Delirious

Daddy Dreams

2012-01-30T09:13:00.002+08:00

On the night of Chinese New Year, sleeping at the Homestay I dreamt that Daddy came to Homestay to take a look.

2 nights ago, I dreamt that Fer and I were fighting over possession of some stuff (not clear what) with a China woman who claimed to be somehow related to Dad in a way. As a last resort she called Dad on her mobile to speak to us, and when I took over the phone I heard Dad crying...

I don't even know how to find out what these dreams mean. Maybe my dreams are weird and don't mean anything much. But I am sure it points to the fact that Daddy is still dearly missed.

After what has been a year since he was diagnosed with the relapse, the counting down and suffering began and has been going on. How I wish I could be convinced Daddy didn't feel sorry or regretful about leaving us..........

Acupuncture

2012-01-29T23:24:00.000+08:00

I had a bout of pain in the big toe joint on my left foot yesterday just after dinner.

It was really weird because during practice in the afternoon I had not experienced any sprain so the pain made me really confused. The pain was bad enough that I had to limp the entire evening :(

This morning, had to push myself to go to the gig that was already planned for. It was funny that I couldn't walk properly but could still dance :P It was a good thing indeed that the shows went on smoothly...

Here's how my joint looked like before this morning's performance (was already very painful)

After performance

After the gig I went searching for a doctor but none of the clinics were open in the afternoon on Sunday; so Mum brought me to a Chinese acupuncturist that was open for business.

He said some stuff that Mum and I didn't feel comfortable about :( But that's for me to confirm after tomorrow.

Physician gave me some acupuncture treatment to relieve the inflammation... First time doing acupuncture! Good thing it wasn't scary :P

Let's hope I'll be okay soon... :)

It's a pity to be Jaded

2012-01-01T23:56:00.005+08:00

This is what 2011 left me with:

A cracked phone and a lost earring.

When each incident happened I just wanted to yell and kick myself again and again. I still want to kick myself now :(

I can't sell my phone anymore in the event I wish to upgrade a mobile phone :( My pretty white Blackberry is scarred for life :'(
No more beautiful, exquiste earrings to go with my red and pink bellydance costumes. The pair has followed me for many years and has always been one of my most prized earrings...

Seriously feels sickening to lose your favourite things. And during the last 2 hours of 2011, seriously???!!!

Those are just the tip of the iceberg. It looks like I'm 100% not set to welcome 2011.

The first resolution for 2012 I made for myself was during September 2011. I told myself I would get my driving license in 2012. Today, I realise that if you made a resolution you dread, you won't look forward to the New Year
By the 2nd last day of 2011, I decided not to make resolutions for the New Year because I am simply too busy feeling depressed about life - work, personal aspects. Sigh

And these are permeating into my attitudes about almost everything else

Passed by 3 wedding receptions at Marina Mandarin hotel before my gig last night, and another 2 at my neighbourhood this afternoon. I believe anybody in the right frame of mind would be feeling happy for the couples and basking in the celebratory atmosphere, but there I was being totally unbelieving that crazy people exist to stress themselves and the world around them to the max. Don't they understand what "stress" is? Do they not think the world is stressful enough on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day? Do they not think weddings alone are stressful enough? Do they HAVE TO COMBINE THE 2?? Some people have very serious suicidal thoughts. I prefer to be relaxed
While everyone was happy and excited, feeling hopeful and aspirational about the New Year, all geared up about partying till 10am, I just felt like it was another party and 1am is the time to go home and get sleepy. Seriously, it's just another day tomorrow. Get on with life, man.

Perspectives are very different depending on where you are looking from. I am in the middle of a tough job, getting over the loss of a loved one, trying to help the surviving loved one ease into life... there's so much to juggle and nothing I'm juggling looks promising or hopeful as far as I am concerned.

For me, it's "Just get on with life man, seriously."

I know with so many managers at different occasions telling me I have "high energy level", the observation cannot be wrong. One even told me I have 'too much energy'. Yeah, so much energy that I flicked my own earring away during my dance performance and dropped my phone from walking too fast while rushing to the next gig *rolls eyes*

To start thinking positively - I know I am endowed with energy to channel into useful stuff... I know I have lots of power to change things.

But first of all, I need to believe that things... will get better.

守得云开见月明

2011-12-12T00:44:00.002+08:00

I am believing that this proverb will see me through my difficulties now... :)

PERSEVERANCE and HARD WORK are key!!!

引自《水浒传》：
莫语常言道知足，万事至终总是空。
理想现实一线隔，心无旁骛脚踏实。
谁无暴风劲雨时，守得云开见月明。
花开复见却飘零，残憾莫使今生留。

Interpretation:
守得云开见月明，是指能坚持到最后的人才能看到风雨过后的彩虹，看到希望和胜利。守得云开见月明是一种坚持和永不放弃的积极乐观的精神。意思就是说只有坚持到底的人才能等到拨云见日，云散月

Source: 百度百科

Dance Chameleon

2011-11-21T22:11:00.002+08:00

This is the second year that I'm taking part in BDD's concert. Having been so busy with the Asia Global Bellydance competition the month before I took a step back in the shadows to 'recuperate' and spend time with family. So I was involved rather minimally in the concert - performed 3 items that did not take too much of time commitment. Was happy for that! At least for that period of time.

The students' performances probably took up the large part of the concert so there was quite a lot going on; but I guess you will just be able to peek at pictures relating to my performance items here :P

Some backstage photos first...

This is my famous picture taken by Tyan backstage with her iPhone :P

I was stuck in the star-studded room where there were so many celebrities!! To list them all...

Hong Hui Fang

Popular Serkan Tutar

Maggie the super sporting!

... And there was 80-year-old Lily Ong as well, which I don't have a picture of.

Some camwhoring... ;)

Sensual Tyan and I

The dancers Tyan, Yvonne and myself ;)

With Jenni too!

Yay we look like some erotic pornstar dancers!

So nice photo :)

Serkan and his Singapore angels :)

Some stage photos...

Sizzling drums performed by Serkan and his Angels - love how it looks when we pose to start!

Sizzling drums - rehearsal photo

This was the real thing! :)

AngelStars performing Y-shimmies

Burlesque - I am in the background here but I kinda like how I looked, hehe!

Burlesque final pose

That's me hugging Fiona happily after finale :)

I told you it was a star-studded night!! ;)
PS/ Lishuang sweetie and Fer sweetie with her boyfriend were so sweeet to come and support me! :)

The concert was a success due to the instructors' hard work... everything went on without a glitch! It takes A LOT to have shows go on so smoothly! Really kudos to them for their committment and passion to give students so much time and concentration.

Till next time! Hope to put up better and better shows in time to come! :)

The Halloween 2011 entry!

2011-11-20T20:17:00.001+08:00

All right, this Halloween entry came quite late, but as they say, better late than never ;P

It happened to be a Halloween weekend on the trip that I visited RajG last month, and his salsa studio had a Halloween party going on. Adventurous RajG needed some fun badly so I went along with him :) This is our first Halloween spent together and I think we did well as a couple ;) Y We really had a lot of fun! Lots of credit to RajG for being the really excited sporting one and coming up with so many interesting ideas! :)

Preparation..
Painting nails in between makeup. RajG got black nail polish specially for the occasion, hurhurhur.

I was genuinely resting here cause I had been feeling so unwell since the afternoon before. Got the flu bug and throat was hurting so bad :(

But I look like I had just been fed on right??? :P

The blood is RajG's idea by the way, as is the syringe he brought along to make the blood effect :P
PS/ I designed his blood streaks :P I am quite impressed with myself for my art work even when I was so sleepy.

On the way to his salsa studio RajG was teaching me how to act like vampires (he watches a lot of such movies and I don't, you see). "Slowly, we must walk, take every step deliberately. We must be really cool. Take our time..."

I just wanted to laugh every time he put on his vampire mode :P

Now! Meet the vampire couple! :P
PS/ Don't you love the make up I did for him? The fangs were his idea too! But the size of the fangs fit him better :P

We were sooooo cool :D

This angel is a bit too happy for us, haha!

There were some other really interesting dress-ups too like a butcher and Star Wars character. Cute Halloween!

I knew my character dress-up worked quite well when a few dancers teased me about it. All right, not too bad!

I went home so sick, but really happy that RajG enjoyed himself so much. He was even dancing like a cool vampire!! So funny! Y ;P According to RajG our photos were up on his studio noticeboard the day after Halloween :)

Hope you enjoyed my little Halloween entry! ;)

Meet my new redcurlyhair Vaio F

2011-11-19T22:30:00.079+08:00

Ever since my HP Pavilion laptop gave me its severely laggy problems I had turned to Dad's laptop for any PC-related stuff I need to do. Mum was especially concerned because she was afraid I would damage Dad's laptop (me being the likeliest person to do so because she deems me bad at taking care of stuff :( - and I have changed 3 laptops after all, the last having a lifespan of only about 1.5 years :P) so she hurried me to get a new laptop for myself.

I, on the other hand, had not intended to get a new laptop because I was not prepared to spend and I didn't believe I have that many necessary uses for a laptop.

But sigh, being the IT geek that I am, I gave in. And I DO use the PC very often... what was I deluding myself about 0.0

I LOVE technology :)

Presenting my new Vaio F and all the accessories that came free with it! Thanks to Mum who took the patience to help me dig at places where we could get more freebies :D (Oops, forgot the antivirus software in the picture...)

After having owned 3 HP laptops, this is the first time I ever said I 'love' a laptop. It's not just because of the brand, but also because its specs, physical design etc are seriously LUXURIOUS. I purposely got a 16" by the way because I wanted a power computer that has good viewing capabilities since I watch so many videos. The fact I don't need a light laptop because I am not going to carry one around (I can use a mobile phone or a PlayBook for that purpose) helps me decide to get a POWER computer with big screen! :D

Without going into all those details about how sturdy and cool this computer is, I absolutely LOVE my Vaio F! Every detail is purrrfect! Y

Being a 16" laptop the adapter is shocking!! Look at the adapter for 14" HP Pavilion laptop (top) and compare with that of the new Vaio 16" (bottom)...

Check out how solid the adapter is...!

Fits in my hand fine (okay actually it is bigger than my hand) but it is heavy!

I LOVE the anti-glare screen, it is so useful! I've always hated how glossy screens reflect the light from my back blinding my eyes. The fact that you could see the content of the screen from the sides is a great bonus... awesome for watching movies!

I also love the keyboard for the awesome solid, springy feel. The LED lights are cool, althought a little distracting (I haven't tried finding out if I can turn them off yet). I love that the keyboard is big enough to fit the number keypad... I love it max! I've been using it every time I can since I got the laptop... hehe.

redcurlyhair Vaio F with lid closed. Yes little redcurlyhair Vaio F gave itself a tattoo just yesterday ;)

redcurlyhair Vaio F with lid open Y Isn't the matte finishing of the laptop so absolutely wonderful?? Y Y

Okays that's enough of an intro... I am off to enjoy more of the experience of my new laptop...!!

Tata!

On to greener pastures!!

2011-10-23T11:48:00.007+08:00

My new workplace :)

I know I am crazy but I really am over the top of the world to have secured my job at Philips. If you think about my job history you'd probably be able to understand rightaway why ;) But most importantly this is my DREAM JOB ever since I graduated from NUS 5 and a half years ago. I feel as if I'm going from the bottom, past the average mark and going right over the top - that's a huge distance to suddenly jump to!

It's really personal if I tell you how seriously I take my career, how important it means to me and how essential it is to me to have pride, recognition and stability in any work that I do. While I know realities may turn out quite hard in many ways I haven't thought of before I start work, I honestly believe I will still be happy to strive during adversity and aim for the goal I set for myself, in the right environment.

My job search this round has been quite a success. In all I had scheduled 3 interviews and had to turn down another 4 due to accepting the job offer from Philips, but so far I had not turned down anything that is as good as this :)

I feel very lucky and blessed and will try my absolutely best to shine in my job and develop my career to the fullest!! I can't wait to start work!!! :D

I know Daddy is going to be so proud of me :)

10 Life Lessons You Should UNLEARN

2011-08-11T22:42:00.001+08:00

Chewing on these...

In the past 10 years, I've realized that our culture is rife with ideas that actually inhibit joy. Here are some of the things I'm most grateful to have unlearned:

1. Problems are bad.

You spent your school years solving arbitrary problems imposed by boring authority figures. You learned that problems suck. Real problems are wonderful, each carrying the seeds of its own solution. Job burnout? It's steering you toward your perfect career. An awful relationship? It's teaching you what love means. Confusing tax forms? They're suggesting you hire an accountant, so you can focus on more interesting tasks, such as flossing. Finding the solution to each problem is what gives life its gusto.

2. It's important to stay happy.

Solving a knotty problem can help us be happy, but we don't have to be happy to feel good. If that sounds crazy, try this: Focus on something that makes you miserable. Then think, "I must stay happy!" Stressful, isn't it? Now say, "It's okay to be as sad as I need to be." This kind of permission to feel as we feel—not continuous happiness—is the foundation of well-being.

3. I'm irreparably damaged by my past.

Painful events leave scars, true, but it turns out they're largely erasable. Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuroanatomist who had a stroke that obliterated her memory, described the event as losing "37 years of emotional baggage." Taylor rebuilt her own brain, minus the drama. Now it appears we can all effect a similar shift, without having to endure a brain hemorrhage. The very thing you're doing at this moment—questioning habitual thoughts—is enough to begin off-loading old patterns. For example, take an issue that's been worrying you ("I've got to work harder!") and think of three reasons that belief may be wrong. Your brain will begin to let it go. Taylor found this thought-loss euphoric. You will, too.

4. Working hard leads to success.

Baby mammals, including humans, learn by playing, which is why "the battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton." Boys who'd spent years strategizing for fun gained instinctive skills to handle real-world situations. So play as you did in childhood, with all-out absorption. Watch for ways your childhood playing skills can solve a problem (see #1). Play, not work, is the key to success. While we're on the subject...

5. Success is the opposite of failure.

Fact: From quitting smoking to skiing, we succeed to the degree we try, fail, and learn. Studies show that people who worry about mistakes shut down, but those who are relaxed about doing badly soon learn to do well. Success is built on failure.

6. It matters what people think of me.

"But if I fail," you may protest, "people will think badly of me!" This dreaded fate causes despair, suicide, homicide. I realized this when I read blatant lies about myself on the Internet. When I bewailed this to a friend, she said, "Wow, you have some painful fantasies about other people's fantasies about you." Yup, my anguish came from my hypothesis that other people's hypothetical hypotheses about me mattered. Ridiculous! Right now, imagine what you'd do if it absolutely didn't matter what people thought of you. Got it? Good. Never go back.

7. We should think rationally about our decisions.

Your rational capacities are far newer and more error-prone than your deeper, "animal" brain. Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal. Consider a choice you have to make—anything from which movie to see to which house to buy. Instead of weighing pros and cons intellectually, notice your physical response to each option. Pay attention to when your body tenses or relaxes. And speaking of bodies...

8. The pretty girls get all the good stuff.

Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul.

9. If all my wishes came true right now, life would be perfect.

Check it out: People who have what you want are all over rehab clinics, divorce courts, and jails. That's because good fortune has side effects, just like medications advertised on TV. Basically, any external thing we depend on to make us feel good has the power to make us feel bad. Weirdly, when you've stopped depending on tangible rewards, they often materialize. To attract something you want, become as joyful as you think that thing would make you. The joy, not the thing, is the point.

10. Loss is terrible.

Ten years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself in order to keep things stable. I'd smile when I was sad, pretend to like people who appalled me. What I now know is that losses aren't cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That's the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you've abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home.

Written by: Martha Beck
Source: Oprah.com

Asia Global Bellydance Competition 2011

2011-08-05T12:24:00.111+08:00

Hello! I have a couple of entries to write and actually chronologically (I almost typed 'chronically' :P) this post should be one of the later ones. BUT the thought of publishing a colourful entry of beautiful pictures is just SO HARD TO RESIST :P...

Plus, this entry will probably help me kickstart my thinking/ reflection process...

Anyways, so I shall start first with sharing my experience at the ASIA GLOBAL BELLYDANCE COMPETITION!

It's been such a horribly tough competition to prepare. I took part in both solo and troupe categories, meaning I have 4 items in total to prepare, and I couldn't just 'get them done'; I had to work towards competition standard! What with work to handle, Mum to appease, stress from the competition, and trying to catch up on rest etc... I shiver even as I think of it all now :(
It was a good thing the effort managed to pay off in awesome ways. I did not win big titles or prizes but the experience itself was multiple times more rewarding to me than anything else for now. It speaks pretty much for someone who is 'results-oriented' rather than 'live in the moment'... :P But then again I'm probably saying these because I already managed to win at least one small title (talk about relief :P)
Okay those aside, I'm going to tell you how the hard work paid off (it is important to know these because I made so many personal sacrifices during this time!! :3)...

I danced on an awesome, awesome stage for both solo and troupe - I wasn't good enough to dance more than once on stage on my own but at least I had the chance to do it a few times in a troupe. I am really glad :)
I met so many different dancers from Asia that I realise how small a dancer I am really. I feel so inspired at the end of it all!
I got to win something, which is an achievement that I've been yearning for years already! Finally some form of recognition!! :)
Most importantly, I was so happy to have had the chance to bask on the big stage under the sparkling limelight... In fact I was given so many opportunities to do it that I was intimidated :P I know how it feels like to be a celebrity now (well almost truly)... having acted like one, performed on a stage like one, and been treated like one :P

Finally, some pictures to share... :)

First night of competition - Singapore Leg. I took Friday afternoon off work to get prepared for the show at night. Being the first night of competition the atmosphere was naturally quite tensed and everyone was rushing item after item so we could finish the show on time! I performed a total of 4 items, but it was really the waiting that was killing, and the rushing to change for items. You can be sure I was so glad to finish the last item! Eventually the show ended at past 11pm!

Here's us camwhoring while waiting at the dressing rooms for results. Was a looooong wait while judges finalised results. While the top performers were dying of anxiety we were just glad our performances were over! :P

Sexy black ballerinas vs. Cute cupcake samba girls

Cute black ballerinas vs. Sexy cupcake samba girls

With Jenni and Maggie, our very lovable dancemates!

Angelstars were happy to be placed 2nd runner-up in the Singapore Leg, qualifying for the Asia Leg competition! :D

It had been a ridiculously tough competition, with lots of surprises in the results, at least so when I was backstage not able to watch the performances live.

I was actually very relieved that I was left with just the troupe items to focus on after Friday. Only that I wasn't so happy about my solo performances... was hoping at least to perform up to the standard of the competition :( Going to seriously reflect what had gone wrong over the past year and which way I wanna move in from now on (which will be a separate story)...

Mum came to support me that Friday night, made me sooo happy! At least I could show her what all the late nights I spent and hard work was for... :) Went for supper with mum and Raj after at Makan Sutra. I was glad :)

Supporters for Friday night.

Saturday night was Asia Leg competition - we met contestants from so many other countries! But I was simply too tired to whisk my camera away :p Counted on everyone else with camera to do the job. Haha! ;)

In terms of morale, Angelstars continued to strive as a team, although we were well aware that competition was even stronger that night. Frankly we were just happy to be qualified to perform for the Asia Leg; winning further wasn't in our minds anymore! We were just there to do our best and enjoy the stage!

Pictures on day of Asia Leg competition...

Don't we just totally look like CELEBRITIES being stopped by a journalist after our performance? ;) Thanks, Akiko!

Presenting... the Singapore finalists of the Asia Global Bellydance Competition!

Angelstars messing about in the dressing room. Hehe!

Angelstars with Nadia

Stage photo... Y

Auntie Sally very kindly came to support me on Saturday night. Really happy to have had her around!

He is the sun that brightens up my gloomy days!!! Y

Gala night of Asia Global Bellydance Competition...

Prize presentation was on this day, so all winners whether from Singapore Leg or Asia Leg had to perform. Disrupted part of itinerary with Raj... another sacrifice :(

The glorious moment - Presenting Angelstars with their medals :)

Bim Bim and Bo Bo having fun flirting with the camera :P

CELEBRITIES!!!!

Angelstars with medals. This picture is so heartwarming! Indeed all the happiness is written clearly on our faces...

Nice picture with Yuki our trainer, hehehe

The next 3 are my FAVOURITE pictures. I think they are good enough to be made into a series of ads :p Angelstars rocks!!! Heehee ;)

With judges

Simona said we are very beautiful dancers :)

We had a contestant from Mongolia and she brought a TV channel reporter! This TV reporter is sooo cool!

Some crazy photos! :)

Photo with Erick Guansing the singer!

Photo with Annie Pek, SSF's founder :)

To conclude it all, my thoughts after the competition are really mixed. The intensity of the the stress built up to the competition was so huge, I felt completely thrown off-balance. Consciously allowing myself to work in the off-balance mode (out of no choice) during the last days leading up to the competition made me hate myself for a while... I promised to do myself justice by reflecting carefully my life goals and deciding how dance fits into them... It's all a matter of choice, and tough are choices we have to make :(

Maybe one thing is for sure... winning any competition is simply not on my mind, if I have to sacrifice my health or the happiness of my loved ones...

Well, will continue my thoughts in another entry. Meanwhile, congrats to Aniqa for pulling through such a tough competition!!! Hugs myself :)

The high time

2011-07-23T02:20:00.001+08:00

Today is Daddy's 100th day death anniversary. I know I keep saying it, but I just cannot believe he really is gone and will never come back. I never knew but when you experience the death of your loved one yourself, it hits so hard... it's so difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't been through it before. It's hard to explain even to anyone who has been through a similar case before but not going through your situation.

Isn't it funny? While happiness can be easily shared, unfortunately it isn't really the same case with sorrow...

I know my recent blog entries have been much about Daddy. For the past 10 consecutive entries not one was not about him. While I know I should not be boring readers with personal emotional sentiments such as this, I really do want to put in writing all that I have of Daddy now that's gone... I hadn't had enough of him while he was alive.

2 weeks ago, I dreamt about Daddy twice.

First dream was that I saw Daddy in my room kind of snooping around my dance stuff. The scenario was very similar to what Mama ever described about her dream: Daddy was wearing the traditional black long Chinese dress and he was snooping in my room about my dance stuff at night. He wanted to make sure he knows enough to ward away rivals/ mean people in the dance community from bullying me. When I reached to switch on the lights, he quickly darted out.

Second dream, I dreamt that Daddy and Mummy attended my competition. After the competition when I went to see Mum I was surprised that Dad was there because I thought he was dead! When he saw me it was as if he didn't know he was not supposed to be there but started excitedly talking to me how I fared in my performance, reminding me about certain technique mistakes I shouldn't do etc...

After I told Mummy about these 2 dreams, she said Daddy always has us in his mind.

I've been feeling bad that I'm dancing so much during the period I'm supposed to grieve for Daddy and spend time with Mummy. In fact I've been spending almost all the time outside work on dance, more than I typically do since now I'm preparing for competition! To make it all worse I didn't take part in just one category but both categories (solo and troupe). Goodness knows why I did this?

But yes, actually I do know why...

I know I've been working hard at dance the past few years, especially the last 2 years; and I also know that time does not wait for (wo)man. If I didn't challenge myself now, I wonder when I will again? I know like what Raj says, parents would support their children's ambitions as much as they can. I know although I can't give them my time due to purusing my ambition, my parents would still support me wholeheartedly. But even while I trust the validity of the theory, I keep wondering if my parents really feel this way.

I know Daddy understands my reasons for making the decisions that I've made. That's the only consolation I have amongst all the guilt I have towards Mum (whether the guilt is valid or not). It's funny that taking part in the competition made me so much more conscious than ever about what matters to me in my life. While I had it, I took it for granted and pursued the luxury in life that I hadn't had - dance. Now I don't have it, I know it should have been my most blessed gift from heavens.

I feel bad for not giving Mum more time, but I feel lucky at the same time that I still have her. To be sure I not abuse my privilege, and to be sure I not deprive my right to live a well-balanced and healthy life, I have promised myself to spread my time wisely among work, family and friends, other than dance.

It really is high time... thank you for enlightening me, Daddy Y

Mummy said, Daddy came home wee hours this morning :) :) ♥ ♥

2011-06-30T17:57:00.001+08:00

Hey Daddy, I know you are sending me all your blessings from wherever you are now :) I love and miss you so much! ♥

2011-06-24T10:39:00.003+08:00

Nightmares :(

2011-05-23T11:05:00.001+08:00

So for 3 nights in a week, I've been having nightmares :( Maybe I'm too tired?

It started with earlier in the week I dreamt that I was dead and was sad because nobody in my family could see me :( but towards the end of the dream I realised they could see me, so I knew I wasn't dead. I came back alive??

Death
To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.
To dream that you are faking your own death, suggests that you are looking for a new start. You need some change in your life.

I told mummy about my dream and she got quite upset :( she arranged with Auntie Diana to want to go to the temple to pray. So, the nightmares that ensued, I didn't tell her anymore....

On Saturday night, I had a series of several dreams...

I was walking in a big house which was very dark and old. I came across some aquarium-like place in the house, you know like underwater world. Because the place is so old, the wooden flooring kind of decayed in a corner and exposed some aquarium glass, through which I saw Dixon's corpse floating. In my dream, he opened his eyes wide and repeatedly said to me "Have I not melted enough?" He even floated from below the floor to my eye level...

This must be the scariest nightmare I had..........

Aquarium
To see an aquarium in your dream, signifies that you have acknowledged your emotions but have not yet confronted them. Thus, it may refer to your unconscious thoughts or repressed sexual desires. Also, you may feel that your life is going nowhere or that you feel it is going in circles. Alternatively, the aquarium may indicate that you need to calm down and set some time for yourself to relax and unwind.

Corpse
To see a corpse in your dream, represents an aspect of yourself that has died. Or it may mean that you are unexpressive. You have shut yourself down and are dead inside.

Next, I saw myself in the bathroom having diffculty shitting. The bathroom is old, and had low walls for the cubicle. Many people gathered around me while I was doing my business. They were laughing at me?

Bathroom
To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, a bathroom symbolizes purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

To dream that you are in a public restroom with no stalls or that there are a lot of people around while you are trying to do your business, signifies your frustrations about getting enough privacy. You are always putting others ahead of your own needs. As a result, you are lacking a sense of personal space. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are having difficulties letting go of old emotions. You are afraid that if you reveal these feelings, then others around you will judge and criticize you.

I saw grandma smoking opium.

Opium
To see or smoke opium in your dream, suggests that there is an issue or situation that you are avoiding. You are prolonging a decision that needs to be made. It is time to take control and stop relying on outside help. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you need to relax and take it easy.

4th and final scene of the night - I dreamt I was at my engagement party with Yufan, my junior college mate who was born same day, same year, same time as me!! Yikes! How did that come about??!!

Engagement
To dream that you are engaged to be married, represents sexual or relationship needs. You may be trying to resolve your feelings of loneliness. Alternatively, it symbolizes your commitments and desires for security. More directly, if you are unmarried, the dream may indicate your desires for some form of commitment.

I was quite unhappy about the engagement cause he isn't whom I wanted to marry, although he is a very nice guy. After I woke up I tried searching quite extensively for him on Facebook but seems like he removed his account :(

That concludes Saturday night dreams...

Last night, I saw a woman (either Nana or my colleague; both have similar physique so I'm not sure which) swimming in the swimming pool. Somehow a squid appeared behind her, and I called out to warn her but it was too late, the squid had squirted its black stuff and Nana/ my colleague was starting to get consumed in it. She quickly swam out of it, but the legs got some of the black ink... Its funny I thought she was in a dangerous situation cause for one squid ink does not sting and two, squid usually squirt ink in defence to run away and not in attack! :p well I guess when you are concerned everything is dangerous.

Swimming
To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.

Squid
To see a squid in your dream, suggests that you are feeling unconsciously threatened. Your judgment may also be clouded. Perhaps you are not seeing things too clearly at the moment. Alternatively, a squid symbolizes greed. You go after what you want without any regard for others.

Next dream in the same night, I dreamt that I was living in a palace... As a princess? I made friends with the gardener (about my age) who confided he was tired of living. We kind of played shooting games at the pond and I was really liking him as a friend.

In the same dream my mum, my sister and her bf came telling me they were on their way to die. They wanted to go to the Other world to seek their future destiny... Somehow they were also unhappy about life but I've no idea why.

Palace
To see a palace in your dream,symbolizes wealth and prominence. You are ready to utilize your full potential.

If you are living in a palace, then it signifies that success is right within your reach.

Pool
To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. Alternatively, a pool indicates your desire to be cleansed. You need to wash away the past.

Die
To see someone dying in your dream, signifies that your feelings for that person are dead or that a significant change/loss is occurring in your relationship with that person. Alternatively, you may want to repress that aspect of yourself that is represented by the dying person.

A total of 7 dreams in a week! All of which are vivid enough for me to remember :( :3 and I noticed there is a lot of 'water' in my dreams, all signalling emotional stuff? I really didn't realise...

I have to admit I must be quite stressed, not really due to work cause there isn't much to do recently. More along the lines of dance, family and personal stuff. I MUST say even without work dealing with all these things can really be a full-time job!! With OT somemore, no kidding!
(imagine I typed this whole entry on my way to work and still trying to finish it up in office now... :S)

All right. Food for thought when I have the time to ponder... I have to move to other tasks now, like listing all the companies I have to call to settle dad's after death admin stuff... And going through work presentation.

Gone is the era

2011-05-17T00:40:00.007+08:00

I am supposed to sleep early tonight cause there're some rituals to be done for the ancestors (including daddy) tomorrow. But I have a recurring thought in my mind that I feel I should get down.

Even during the midst of the General Elections I was already feeling this but I did not want to say anything in case the General Elections outcome is counter to my intuition. But for a fact I know now - my life is seriously changing.

Daddy's gone, PAP is no longer the ruling party in Singapore despite being so for the past 50 or so years, there are a bunch of strong new politicians with great potential coming up, Lee Kuan Yew and Goh Chok Tong have left the Cabinet... It's a truth that my shelters in both homes (personal home and national home) are left wide open for me and my generation to take over. What else spells clearer that I am forced but to be now in control of everything that goes on in my life? Whether or not I am prepared, I have to take on the world in full... and continue the good work that's been done for me all my 27 years of life.

For a start, and a small step to take - I make myself a goal for the next 2 years to be able to earn enough in order to support the family more actively, so that Daddy's savings need not be all used up. I must also continue to strive very positively in everything I do in life, like what sifu said. Everything is going to turn out right. No more "I can't" but "I CAN!"!

I am elated to realise I have not lost Daddy, but gained a whole world of energy to contribute to the people and the world I love. I am happy to take it on because I am privileged. Who gives responsibilities to good-for-nothings? ;)

Thank you Daddy, for the boundless energy you bestowed me. I will treasure it most, most preciously...

1 month on

2011-05-12T23:10:00.001+08:00

Dear Daddy,

A month has gone by, and we are still not ready to accept that we have lost you. Not that we expect our recovery would be fast, but it is harder to accept because you just went off like that. We all saw it coming but we could not prepare for that last moment. You had to leave without a word.

I still get flashbacks of you lying in the ICU ward unconscious with the high frequency machine pumping hard at your motionless body. Today the picture of you consciously struggling with the ventilator came into my mind. It was totally heart-wrenching... I won't forget how hard I cried when I said your suffering was making my heart ache so much. Although you looked peaceful when on the high frequency ventilator I know the suffering was equally bad if not worse. I told Angie that telling myself how much you suffered reminds me to be consoled that you are now at a better place. It is my one and only consolation.

You've been an awesome daddy. You took care of us, and then you took care of yourself so that you could continue taking care of us. You even made sure as much of administrative matters were taken care of as possible way before you went to the hospital, so that we need not handle too much administrative work after you leave. You have done every bit of your ability to fulfil your role as a father. You did not fear dying; you only feared how our hearts would break.

Daddy, although I'm oftentimes self-controlled about my mourning in my daily go-abouts; sometimes when I come before you I would cry so uncontrollably. Was it you? Were you trying to let me know you were just beside me?

When I think about it, I realised the one who has to deal with the most is yourself. You were quiet and did not say much, but it was you who had to deal with the shock of knowing you have not much time left in this world. It was you who had to deal with all the physical pain the cancer was causing you. It was you who had to deal with the stress of worrying what would happen to the family after you leave. It was you who had to act strong and fine just so that your family didn't need to worry about you. What is our heartbreak compared to your misery?

I miss you, daddy. I know you want us to move on, so I have already started living my usual life. It is still so hard... And will continue to be so for a while. But please don't worry, we will get there eventually... You live in our hearts forever.

17 Things (actually, 16) Your Mother Wants You to Know

2011-05-05T17:31:00.001+08:00

I came across this article on Reader's Digest. As cliché as it sounds (and all the more so as Mother's Day approaches), I have to admit it does make one ponder about how great Mothers are.

Which of the following are things your mum had told you before? #15 hit me the hardest... I am deeply appreciating that my parents gave that part of them to me. Certainly I would never be so complete without my parents' love - for each other and for me. It's not something one can see or one can give; you have got to receive in order to appreciate it. It's the one thing I must give to my children when I have them eventually... MUST :)

Be kind to everyone. You never know what's really going on in someone's life. -- Mary Morgan

Dear child, when u grow up, remember not to give everything to a guy. -- Nadia El Ghani

I have never heard one person say that life was easy. -- Chris Taylor

Never become complacent in anything in life, whether it be driving, work, or relationships, you have to pay attention, and strive toward perfection. -- Elizabeth Wysocki Landino

If a man or woman is down you give them your hand. -- Shanesh Ranchhod

Do what you can, for who you can, with what you have, and where you are. -- Uma Maheswari

Always wear comfortable shoes. -- Lisa Denton Riley

Never pass up an opportunity to use the restroom. -- Lisa Denton Riley

Friends won't let you do stupid things...alone. -- Casey Leigh Steel Brelsford

Be yourself, because unless you are true to you, there is no way you can be true to others. -- Kayleigh Bondor

I will love you enough to tell you 'no.' -- Michele Chandler Dilbeck

No matter what your financial state, if a child’s needs are met, it is good for their character not to give them everything they want, make them earn the extras. -- Barbara Jean Sunday

Wear an old coat; buy a new book. -- Teressa Glazer

Doesn’t matter if you're cold or it hurts, as long as you look good -- Carla Rachael Ralls

'The best gift that can be given to a child is a Mom and Dad who love each other.' -- Leigh Ann Krohe

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train -- Casey Leigh Steel Brelsford

Source: 17 Things Your Mother Wants You to Know

Daddy lives on in my heart

2011-04-22T23:14:00.001+08:00

Time flies - today marks the 8th day since Daddy's death. As heartbreaking as it was, we decided the best decision we could make for Daddy was to let him go. Daddy was very courageous and very strong - even during the last minutes of his life - he strived hard and he made it home, in time for everybody to gather around him and offer words of love and encouragement. He didn't last 15 minutes after he was extubated - that shows how hard he was hanging on just to get home... simply because we wanted him to.

Everyone loves Daddy, so, so much. Buckets of tears dropped for Daddy over the next 5 days of funeral. Many, many people came to offer their respects to Daddy. More than that, everyone was too much in shock to believe Daddy was really gone. The hardworking, dedicated, humble, warm and friendly Daddy. Everyone truly loves Daddy.

Daddy passed away peacefully at home in the presence of all his loved ones. He had a grand funeral with many friends, relatives and acquaintances grieving our loss. He had powerful rituals conducted for him, supported by his descendants, in order that he transcends smoothly into the other world. He had every one of his siblings working hand-in-hand cooperatively for once in decades. Daddy was truly, truly loved. And I am so happy to have a Daddy who brought me up the way he did.

Till today, I never feel he was very far away - because I feel him in my heart, very much alive. I feel him everywhere in me - my thoughts, my heart, my fingers, my actions... Daddy has taught me so much in my 27 years of life - I want and I know I will bring all the lessons with me for life. I know there is nothing much more I can do for Daddy who worked so hard and gave his all for me and the family. All I can give him now is my love and my showing that I've grown up well... Nobody can ever replace my beloved Daddy.

Daddy, rest in peace. You have no more sickness to deal with now, no more suffering. You may be separated from us now, but no worries, you will find Ah gong, Auntie Linda and Dixon. Or you could make new friends :) There are lots to play with and enjoy - lots to do that you have been deserving of for so long. Do not worry about us, for we know how to take care of ourselves. I know you want us to move on and live life strong. Rest assured we will - with you in our hearts forever. We love you.

Daddy please come home

2011-04-10T02:05:00.000+08:00

Will Daddy respond to the so many prayers everyone's been putting in for him?

If Heaven allowed him to persist til this day, there ought to be good outcome of some sort??

Pat is praying and wishing hard.............

Come home, Daddy. Please...

For my daddy

2011-04-08T11:19:00.001+08:00

Today is the 8th day that daddy has been fully sedated. To me, a week of observation of any event is enough for me to make a meaningful conclusion. My dad's illness is no exception.

From failure of lungs to absorb oxygen, to needing intensive drugs to moderate the blood pressure, failure of the stomach to absorb nutrients, to overloading of drugs on the kidneys and liver to the extent his oncologist has to stop his only little hope of treatment... - my dad does not have a good prognosis.

This wasn't just told to us yesterday, but still 3 months is very short notice. But then again, no amount of notice will be enough to prepare myself for dad's leaving.

Daddy has fought a hard fight with cancer. He overcame ordeal after ordeal during these 3 years of living with cancer. With such a poor prognosis I would have sunk into depression and dejection but his spirit remained high. He fought even though all the options carried such high risks. I love my daddy so much for his strong determination and positive outlook for life. He doesn't deserve to have cancer.

He has so many wishes and personal talents to fulfil - studying Chinese medicine, playing Chinese instruments, getting together with his family in China, singing, travelling the world... etc. I wish I could have the chance to be part of his learning journey... I wish so much.

The outcome is near, and we have made a decision. Yet we are still not there. The wait is too excruciating to bear. The outcome is likely to be worse.

Daddy, I miss you so much. You are my hero, my idol and you will live in my heart forever, whether you wake up or not...

Cancer
To dream that you have cancer, denotes hopelessness, grief, self-pity, and unforgiveness. You feel you are wasting your life away. This dream also represents areas in your life which are bothering you, disturbing you, and hurting you in some emotional way.

To dream that someone has cancer, indicates that you need to change your negative way of thinking before it eats away at you. Start being more positive.

After January 25

2011-03-20T22:09:00.001+08:00

Hello, folks.

I know I've been super out of action. So much so that mushrooms, fungi and algae are growing out of my website... hehehe.

But well, I honestly don't have anything great to report. Second reason is that I've been really busy with work and dance, that I really don't have time to sit down in front of my personal PC and properly think through my life and write down my thoughts.

It doesn't mean I haven't been thinking... ;)...

There are lots of things that have been keeping my horizon dark... family, work, dance and personal stuff... but family is an extremely tough one for me to handle.

Stuff has happened at home ever since the start of the year. Right from then, I knew that this year is not going to be easy at all. From lots of crying then, to lots of solemness in the house recently... much has happened in a span of 3 months. Every evening I step in the house, I wonder how my dad is feeling... it sucks to feel so helpless, knowing what's going on but not being able to do a thing.

The only thing I can do is to spend as much time as possible at home so I can have meals with my family, chat with my parents.

I may be the only person in the family who is feeling so anxious despite all the day-to-day normal routines I am working through. I would be glad if I were over-worrying. Or is everyone else in the family feeling the same as me, including the fear of facing the truth in front of another human being? It is good that we not culture an anxious environment that we worry over the top... I salute my parents for that... especially Mum.

I am trying to be a strong girl, even though I am scared like hell inside. But my parents have set a good example, and my job now is only to follow.

I think, I may need a real religion soon...

Focus!

2011-01-09T23:21:00.002+08:00

Having been thro the first week of 2011, the year does not seem to feel rosy at all. Nevermind how fantastic the forecasts have been for me; things seem to be the opposite for almost everyone around me :( Not sure how that is going to ensure a good lucky 2011 for me :\

The rub-off has successfully made me feel I am less adequate than I should be and prompted me to review my goals and resolutions more seriously. Indeed, some of the gloom had long started to cloud my vision to the extent I discovered how 'short-sighted' I've been.

It is very hard to look into the future with such a situation that I am in now. The more time passes, the more I feel like the end is coming... how could it be the forecasts are saying how great my fortune is going to be in 2011???

Losing focus is a bad thing. Therefore, I'd like to add a few more items to my resolution list to get it back!

For dance:

Put my very best effort to make every performance perfect
I must find my stage personality back!!!

For personal development:

Be OPEN to people :)
SAVE for piggy bank... it needs money

This is a bit of a diversion/ off-focus, but I also hope to...

Add at most 2 more bellydance costumes to my dance wardrobe, taking advantage of the sliding Euro
Shop for VS clothes because the USD exchange rate is so good now! Take advantage of the sliding USD

I hope to get my focus back in life soon :)

BlackBerry Bold White

2011-01-01T20:32:00.002+08:00

If getting a New phone at the start of the New year symbolises auspiciousness in communications (whatever this description means) in the New year, then getting a New BlackBerry Bold would be setting the perfect stage!!! :P :P

Besides, this is my dream phone! I've been wanting a BlackBerry for such a long time!

I so resolute to work hard to earn my promotion now. I need deeper pockets so I don't feel so jeopardised by all my spending!!! Hmph.

I am thinking of paying $20 more for a 9780 than for a 9700, for:

5mp camera instead of 2mp
512mb in-built memory instead of 256mb

I only wish RED was an available option :\

I've decided I should get the phone now than later because:

I can't recontract with SingTel for an awesome handset discount anyway until November 2011
The Samsung i780 I have now is a little cranky... I haven't been able to use GPRS on my mobile phone for several months because my IT guy blocked something in my phone. That means I have been wasting the $9.30 data plan I've been paying SingTel every month
Even if I get the IT guy to set the settings right now, I will need him to configure all the settings again when I get my BlackBerry... might as well get him to it once and for all yeah! (he has very cranky mood)

The lesson I learnt from buying Samsung Omnia Lite in Feb this year, is not to be rash and buy a phone for the sake of buying one (I was damn excited just because I was eligible for recontraction). We need GOOD reasons to buy phones, don't we?! ;) Just before I had the idea to get BlackBerry I wanted to use my Samsung i780 till the day it dies, so that I'd be pushed to get a new one... I believed I would definitely get better satisfaction then! :P

I hope I'm not wrong this time. BlackBerry is a good phone so I don't worry about the quality of the phone :) But I worry Samsung i780 would be upset with me.....

Shall wait for motivation/ inspiration to prick me.

2010 to 2011

2010-12-31T16:12:00.009+08:00

By the end of this year I guess I can truly say, I feel like such a lucky pig :)

2010 has been good to me in many, many ways: Family relations improved, work is recognising me better, I am better off financially, I have became a professional bellydancer, and I found a great friend in my life! :)

To make it even better - this end of the year, I...

found $200 over in cash during spring cleaning of my room. I know I had stashed it away for a reason but I just cannot remember what... Still, it's like finding treasure!! :P
found 2 complimentary movie tickets during spring cleaning of my room - well since they've always been there it's not exactly found but it's good that they appeared so I don't forget about them :P They expire in April!!
found a Blackberry Curve white in the public toilet on Tuesday - exactly the phone that I've been dreaming about for many months! :P (Hey, peeps, if you never believed wishing hard works, now you should!!! :P)

Yet the best gift in 2010 was meeting my best friend Raj, who has been giving me lots of room to be myself, encouragement for me to keep on making life for myself and others better. He's the best friend eva!!! YY

Only my health hasn't been so great. I officially got diagnosed with gastritis (tho thankfully it isn't sooooo severe and sooooooo frequent), and my right foot tendons keep giving my problems. Oh wells, as long as I can get on happily with my life these are not going to tie me down! Compared to most other people I think I'm considered mild already. I am still lucky :D

2010 has been awesomeee...! But I want things to be even better! Listen up... 2011 new projects and goals coming!!

New dance projects:

Regular bellydance classes
Chingay - samba troupe
Regular samba training
Pilates (not decided)
Fire training (not decided)
Jazz training (not decided)
Turkish Festival
Bellydance Asia-Global Competition

New work goals:

Get myself promoted
Get a good salary
Improve my analyses in reporting
Improve presentation skills

Resolutions 2011

Dance at least 3 hours every week
Keep practising all bellydance techniques
Go to Turkish bellydance festival in June
Improve my dance to the standard I want by 2011 (good techniques, good choreographies)
Improve flexibility (able to reach my toes easily)
Achieve 48 kg
Get good skin on face
Get good skin on back
Learn to cook Chinese soup from Mama/ Mummy
Get promoted at work
Improve analyses at reporting
Improve presentation skills
Meet up with dearies regularly
Go shopping every month
Keep energy level high and happy everyday
Maintain good relationships with everybody I meet

My sister discouraged me from learning to drive, if not "Get a driving license" would be on the list as well :( Well, but not like I'll really do it next year even if I put the item on the list. I didn't last year even tho it was on my resolution :P Hiya, got so many more important things to spend my effort on, seriously!

Also, not sure if setting myself to reach the standard I want by 2011 is too ambitious... will see how it goes :)

There you go, 2011 resolutions! Not a lot of differences from 2010, but more like taking further steps to reach my lifetime goals. Better than setting goals that deviate you from your life goal!

Yays, I'm looking forward to a better 2011, so should you! :)

Btw, have you ever seen really, really good-looking people before??

:P

Happy New Year, folks! Wishing all a fruitful, lucky and most of all a BETTER 2011. Lots of blessings from ME!

PS/ I FINALLY managed an entry for December 2010. The frequency of my blogging is horrendous beyond hope! Yikes :P You can hope I blog more frequently but I won't guarantee!!

It makes me so happy to know I can be so famous :)

2010-11-23T08:03:00.002+08:00

Arts & Entertainment/Sports/Journalism/Literature

Steve Allen (Architect)
Issac Asimov (Mastermind)
William F. Buckley (Mastermind)
Ayn Rand (Mastermind)
Harper Lee (Architect)
George Bernard Shaw (Fieldmarshal)
Walt Disney (Inventor)
Mark Twain (Inventor)
Gregory Peck (Architect)

Politics/Government/Military

Thomas Jefferson (Architect)
Abraham Lincoln (Inventor)
Dwight D. Eisenhower (Mastermind)
Ulysses S. Grant (Mastermind)
John Adams (Fieldmarshal)
Douglas MacArthur (Fieldmarshal)
George Marshall (Fieldmarshal)
Peter the Great (Mastermind)
Margaret Thatcher (Fieldmarshal)
Golda Meir (Fieldmarshal)
Hillary Clinton (Fieldmarshal)
Golda Meir (Fieldmarshal)
Fredrick Douglass (Fieldmarshal)
Napoleon Bonaparte (Fieldmarshal)
William Tecumsah Sherman (Fieldmarshal)

Science/Education/Humanities/Philosophy/Religion

Albert Einstein (Architect)
Isaac Newton (Mastermind)
Stephen Hawking (Mastermind)
Richard Feynman (Inventor)
Ludwig Boltzmann (Architect)
Nikola Tesla (Inventor)
Lise Meitner (Mastermind)
Charles Darwin (Architect)
Maria Montessori (Inventor)
David Hume
Friedrich Nietzsche (Mastermind)
Sally Ride (Inventor)
Benjamin Franklin (Inventor)
Buckminster Fuller (Inventor)
Adam Smith
Carl Sagan (Fieldmarshal)
Marie Curie (Architect)
Robert Rosen (Architect)
Booker T. Washington
Aristotle

Business/Industry/Finance

Bill Gates (Fieldmarshal)
Buckminster Fuller (Inventor)
Steve Wozniak (Architect)
Steve Jobs (Inventor)
George Soros (Architect)

Source: Keirsey Temperament - Portrait of the Rational (Well-known Rationals)

There are so many Fieldmarshals in the Politics... now I'm wondering if I should have run for politics. What am I doing in Market Research and Bellydance?? :P