Cranky old man

BEAT IT ON THE BEACH MON!

2013-06-19T05:04:00.001-07:00

BEAT IT ON THE BEACH MON!

I went to Jamaica on my first honeymoon several lives ago. We went in June. It is very hot in Jamaica in June, oppressively hot. There is a reason no one has ever written a song titled “Jamaica in June.”

Anyway.

One way to escape the oppressive heat was snorkeling. While snorkeling, I spotted a conch. I have always had a fascination with seashells. Some are incredibly beautiful. Most of the beauty is in the inside of the shell, not visible to man or other beast unless the shell maker is evicted and the shell turned pretty side up. There is no apparent evolutionary reason for the inside of a seashell to be beautiful. I look upon them as proof there is a God and he creates beauty just for the sake of creating beauty.

Anyway.

I dove and retrieved the shell, a conch shell, with a live conch still occupying his beautiful home. I did not want the conch; though I understand they are quite tasty, I only wanted the shell. I asked one of the locals who was working at this resort how to get the conch out of the shell.

“You beat it on the beach Mon, beat it on the beach.”

He then demonstrated how to hold the shell, and slam it on the beach point first until the conch inside would give up the shell…well die and could be extracted.

I went to the hard part of the beach where the water had just receded, and did as I was told; I beat the conch on the beach. I slammed that shell into the beach again and again. I would have quit if not for the local encouraging me to continue.

“That’s right Mon, beat it on the beach, he’ll come out, just keep beating it on the beach”

After about twenty minutes of slamming this damn thing against the beach the conch gave up his shell. I pulled it out, and my new Jamaican friend applauded.

“See Mon, I tol you…jes beat it on the beach Mon!”

I kept my prized find in the hotel room for several days before I noticed a stink. The conch was not completely out of the shell, some of it had remained. It was now stinking and the remnants were being feasted on by maggots. It took lots of hot water and some digging, but finally the shell was clean and I could take my hard fought possession home.

Back at work everyone wanted to know how my honeymoon vacation was. I related how it was too friggin hot, but then bragged about diving for this beautiful conch shell.

One of the guys at work, Lenny, was from Jamaica.

“Hey mon, was the conch still in de shell?”

“Oh yeah, but one of the hotel guys told me how to get him out. It wasn’t easy, but I beat the shell on the beach for about twenty minutes and got most of it out.”

“You beat it on the beach mon?”

“Yes, it was hard, but I finally got it out.”

At this point Lenny was bending over laughing.

“Mon…you beat it on the beach for twenty minutes? Mon that dude was playing you. Beat it on the beach!”

“What?”

“Mon, don no one beat the conch on the beach…you drop that shell in boilin water…three minutes that conch he fall right out nice an clean…beat it on the beach…oh mon…that dude mus still be laughin!”

And that is why I’ll never go back to Jamaica. The conch shell? After two years in the sun the colors all faded away.

It’s just like Judge Judy says,

“Beauty fades, dumb is forever!”

POLITICS AND RELIGION - a Cranky re-run

2013-06-18T05:46:00.000-07:00

POLITICS AND RELIGION

This re-run is from June 2012. It seemed to get some peoples blood boiling so I thought I would stir things up again. My intent was not to convert Atheists, but to wonder why so many Atheists look to convert others.

Do I really dare to say it?..."Some of my best friends are Atheists."

I try to keep politics and religion out of my posts and on my comments to other’s posts. I have learned that my positions or opinions are not apt to change other people opinions or positions. Friendly discussions on these matters generally degenerate into full-fledged nasty arguments. This is just not productive.

In the interests of full disclosure, politically I am generally fiscally conservative and socially liberal. I do not think that President Obama was the most prepared or experienced person for his position, but I also do not believe he is an evil communist who seeks to become a dictator. He is a politician. He is our President. He does not get my vote, but he deserves and gets my respect.

Religion is an even more personal topic. I am spiritual. I believe in a higher power. I try to be a good person. I do not wish to tell other people how or whom to worship.

Recently a blogger whom I was following made several political and religious comments. They were made in a matter-of-fact tone indicating that, of course, every intelligent person reading the post agreed with their positions. Generally I will not comment on these types of positions with which I do not agree. I will not stop following someone simply because I disagree with their assertions. This post was different.

The tone of this post was elitist and derogatory. First there was a casual comment equating Mitt Romney with a spoiled brainless rich poor excuse for a human being. I let that slide. It’s politics. I understand. The next remark in this post was a knock against all religion. This person declared themselves to be an atheist. The declaration had the tone that suggested anyone who was not an atheist believed in fairytales and was clearly of lower intelligence to non-believers.

This I could not accept.

I understand Atheism. I have my own doubts about the nature and existence of a divine force. I sometimes wonder if there is in fact a loving God.

If you choose to be an Atheist I understand. But to proselytize Atheism as if bringing people to your belief in non-belief will somehow make their life better…this I do not accept.

The concept of any religion makes some Atheists angry. Atheists believe in nothing. They revel in their intellectual non-conformity. Even the very name of their non-belief system runs counter to the “I before E except after C rule.”

I wonder why it is so important for these people to convert others to their non-belief. Atheists love to preach on how many wars have been fought and how much misery there is in the world because of religion.

I point out that it is evil people (probably non-believers) using religion for evil purposes that cause much of the world’s problems. Evil uses religion; religion does not create the evil.

Religion among other things fills the void of that which science cannot explain. Apparently Atheists believe that science can or will eventually explain everything about life and our world as we know it. This will make religion and God obsolete.

Atheists believe that science can explain everything right down to the very first molecule.

I have to ask:

Where did that first molecule come from?

I did not comment on this person’s post and I no longer am a follow, not because of her ideas, but because of her elitist demeanor.

I just got this in an e-mail from my college buddy "Fast Freddy." I think it is appropriate to this post.

SEMPER FI MARINE

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!

A United States Marine was taking some college courses
between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq
and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who
was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then
I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and hit him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,
"What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied,
"GOD was too busy today protecting
soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

The classroom erupted in cheers!

STUPID HEADLINES 061613

2013-06-17T05:46:00.003-07:00

STUPID HEADLINES 061613

It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY (actually one day late)

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

One headline is completely made up. Guess the fake and win a mention.

That Darn Obamacare!!

Too much deer pee changing northern forests – Maybe hunters should stop flushing them out.

Prominent Texas doctor accused of poisoning lover's coffee – You have to wonder, what did her lover’s coffee ever do to her?

Supreme Court ends torture suit against Rumsfeld – If the suit was so uncomfortable, why didn’t he just take the damn thing off?

New Jersey woman mistaken for prostitute, beaten at Florida hotel – Well, NJ…prostitute…it’s an easy mistake to make.

Relax Jersey Girls it’s a joke! We all know that Jersey Girls are the BEST!

West Virginia woman freaks out over bad Drivers license picture, spills diet coke all over DMV worker – I think maybe the bad picture was due to the wacko in front of the lens!

Bloomberg to discuss prepping New York City for warming world – NY Mayor suggests a $100 tax on a pack of cigarettes to pay for air conditioning Manhattan.

Minnesota woman saves deer with plastic jar stuck on its head – I have no idea how putting a plastic jar on a deer’s head will save it, but it can only add to that pee problem.

Tiger Wood’s ex-wife hates new girlfriend – Well if she has a girlfriend that may well explain why Tiger cheated on her.

Just Explain It: What Is Déjà Vu? – It is the feeling that something that happened has happened before. It is the feeling that something that happened has happened before.

70-Year-Old Saudi Man Divorces His 15-Year-Old Wife – The age difference was really not that bad, 15 is kind of like 75 in goat years.

Calif. Husband Sells $23,000 Ring for $10 – Make that California Ex-husband!

Just Explain It: What Is Déjà Vu? – It is the feeling that something that happened has happened before. It is the feeling that something that happened has happened before.

New Jersey town bans saggy pants on boardwalk – I only visit boardwalks that have pants pulled up to their railing.

School district won't expunge Pop-Tart gun from boy's record – Oh no! Not his permanent record! Who will ever hire someone who as an eight year old boy nibbled a pop-tart into the shape of a gun?

Who owns 'Happy Birthday?' Lawsuit seeks return of millions – I’m looking to copyright “Nanya, nanya, na, na” and “ olli, olli, in free” then hang around playgrounds and collect royalties.

Last week’s fake headline was:

Texas man flips out at car show, is carried away by police screaming, “TOO MANY PASSWORDS!!” – Dude, just change all your passwords to “sdrowssap.”

We had two winners:

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous @ http://delightfullyludicrous.blogspot.com/ said...

Yay, I won! I like this game :D

Of this week's, I'm going to guess the one about the guy yelling "too many passwords".

Two weeks in a row! Congratulations Kellie – Go visit her blog it is always entertaining.

fishducky @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/ said...

I think it's “TOO MANY PASSWORDS!!” I think you should change your password to "Incorrect". There would be nothing to remember. You could type in anything & the computer would tell you your password is incorrect!!

And she didn’t Google it this week! Check Fran's posts, always funny!

This was from Scott at Flight Plan:

Lowandslow @ http://lowandslow01.blogspot.com/ said...

"Texas man flips out at car show, is carried away by police screaming, “TOO MANY PASSWORDS!!”"

OMG, this could have been me! (But it wasn't.)

I always knew those "keyless entry systems" would come back to haunt us.

Was this a guess Scott? Doesn’t matter, Scott is disqualified as the fake post is based on HIM – A car show going, Password hating, Texan! So don’t visit Scott’s posts even though they are always very funny, or thought provoking and sometimes even both.

DEAR OLD DAD

2013-06-16T04:54:00.000-07:00

DEAR OLD DAD

“Dear Old Dad” is what we sometimes called my Pop. It came from some old Hanna-Barbera cartoon, “Augie Doggie.” That is ironic as my dad was not a cartoon kinda of guy. It is not as if my dad was all serious and without a sense of humor, he actually did have a playful side, but he was just too smart for cartoon nonsense.

I often post about my mom, not because dad was not interesting, it is just that mom had a Lucille Ball quality that makes her better post material.

My dad could do anything, he knew almost everything. If he didn’t know something that interested him, he would buy a book and become an expert. Dad was uber-smart. He was so smart we would never ask for his help with homework because he saw everything, particularly math, through “genius eyes.” He would explain things in a way that another genius would immediately understand, but an ordinary high school sophomore would be totally lost.

“Gee dad, that’s not how the teacher explained it.”

“The teacher is wrong!”

I am sure the teacher was wrong, but she had to teach in a way that ordinary humans would understand. Anyway, you didn’t ask dad for help in math.

Dad was a Chemical Engineer by trade. He chose that profession in a typical dad way.

When he was interviewing for admittance to college, Penn State, the Dean told him,

“Son we have to admit you because you graduated from high school and you are a Pennsylvania resident, but you will never graduate from this institution!”

Dad’s high school grades were not top notch as he had been ill for several years, and also, to him the courses were not challenging.

My father responded to the Dean with a question,

“Sir, what is the most difficult degree to earn at Penn State?”

“Chemical engineer is clearly our most challenging field of study.”

“And that,” my dad would recall, “is why I became a Chemical Engineer!”

My Dad did not go to war in 1940; he was instead part of a Government project where the countries best minds worked on top secret projects which would help end the war. He never told us exactly what he did but I know it involved being very smart.

For a few years Dad built boats as a hobby. He designed and built fiberglass sailboats for his children to race. They were the first unsinkable small craft ever built. He built them years ahead of the famed “Boston Whaler.”

My father once commercially grew vegetables in a greenhouse through a process known as hydroponics. This process is common today. Plants are grown large and fast year round in a slurry of water and chemicals, no soil. It was a mostly a theoretical process when my dad did it. He did this as a hobby, a profitable hobby, but it was a hobby.

Dad made his own light “dimmer” switches years before you could buy them at the hardware store.

My father dabbled in oil painting, and could have been quite good. Dad played piano and banjo by ear, and then he learned to read music. He was a skilled sailor. Pop was a licensed pilot and flew his own single engine airplane; he was certified to fly by instruments but was intelligent enough to avoid the need to test that ability.

I have memories of my dad free diving for abalone and rock lobster when we lived in Southern California. Dad was a top notch golfer until his back stiffened up a bit. He taught me how to bowl when I was only seven. When I played football in high school he filmed every game, using two 8mm cameras so he wouldn’t miss a play. Dad was frugal, but we never went without, and he would help anyone who was in need. He was a sucker for panhandlers. He once told me when I asked him if a beggar he helped was really in need that, he figured it was a scam, but “Just in case.”

“Dear old Dad” could fix anything, from a broken motor to a broken heart. He knew when to lecture, and when to back off. I used to think he knew everything and could do anything.

I’m not so sure that I was wrong.

Happy Father’s Day everybody!

This Sunday's Stupid Headlines will be published Monday.

THE NSA AND PRIVACY

2013-06-15T04:36:00.000-07:00

THE NSA AND PRIVACY

A Cranky Old Man opinion for

Cranky Opinion Saturday

The following is the opinion of a Cranky Old Man. Opposing opinions are welcome (wrong, but welcome) but please, no name calling…and that means you, you big stupid head!

“You have a right to be silent; anything you say can and will be used against you…”

Apparently the above is now true not just when you are arrested, but at all times! The NSA (National Security Agency) sometimes known as No Such Agency is collecting information on just about everybody from phone calls and even emails.

Should we be concerned?

If this information is being used randomly, just for the personal jollies of some idiot government spies, then yes, we should be worried.

If this information is being used to target political organizations strictly to censure and or harass people with ideas counter to those currently in power, then yes we should be very worried.

If this information is simply stockpiled in a giant computer and used to find patterns of phone calls or comments which may indicate a terrorist plot, sabotage, or serious criminal activity, then go for it NSA.

You can bet that bad people are hacking our computers and scouring emails and phone data to hurt our country in any way that they can. This activity cannot be monitored or stopped without the NSA doing some of the same surveillance.

What protection do we have against using this potential invasion of privacy to harass or embarrass ordinary US citizens?

First, no one including the NSA gives one rat’s behind about what 99.999% of our citizens are up to. You are probably safe to continue to have affairs, cheat on your taxes, steal your neighbor’s newspaper and fail to clean up after your dog without the NSA slamming you in irons or telling your wife and neighbors.

If this information is incriminating and could be used against you in some possible crime or indiscression, it would probably not be immiscible in court.

If information was leaked to embarrass or discredit someone, the leaker would be subject to harsh penalties himself.

Look, there is a miniscule chance that this mass collection of information could be used to hurt you. There is a humongous chance that this information if used correctly could stop another 9-11. In this day and age of communications technology we cannot just stick our heads in the sand and assume that we have complete privacy from government data gathering. We should assume the data will be used responsibly and if it is not then those responsible for misuse will be prosecuted.

If we do not allow some potential invasion of our privacy, if we do not use technology to help protect us, then we will suffer greater abuses from outside sources than our own government could possible inflict upon us.

If you are that worried about your privacy, then get the hell off Facebook, stop blogging, quit tweeting, treat your emails as if they were letters which could be found lying around by anyone, and don’t plan your next bank robbery over a cell phone.

If you have nothing to hide, relax and rest assured that if any agency begins to use this data in an unscrupulous manner they will be caught…our press is just as good at spying as anyone at the NSA.

The preceding has been the opinion of a Cranky Old Man, and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

A rare Cranky apology

Last week’s opinion post was hurtful to some readers who are suffering from a weight problem (I need to drop 35 pounds myself). This was not my intent; I was simply using satire to highlight the need to make some changes in our culture to reduce the plague of obesity.

I apologize to those whom I hurt by my comments; I have total empathy for the fact that many people are gravity challenged because of genetics and not sloth.

IT’s DOABLE!

2013-06-14T05:38:00.000-07:00

IT’s DOABLE!

Last week I was in North Carolina helping my daughter by watching the three NC Crankettes. I had a good time reacquainting myself with these three. We made pancakes in the morning, played games, watched “Sponge Bob Squarepants” (my personal favorite) and went to a local pool .

One bonus of any NC visit is I get to see my Editor/Sister-in-law, Judy. This year the visit included my scientist genius nephew, Jimmy (yes, I still call him Jimmy) his scientist genius wife, Melissa, my PHD niece Alison, 35 first cousins-once-removed and a six month old Yellow Lab “Captain” named in honor of my Brother Jim.

Dinner was beer-can chicken skillfully grilled by my nephew.

The "Three Amigo's"

We had a great time, solved many of the world’s problems if only anyone would listen to us, and told some old stories. I love old family stories, and I like to put them on paper, or the internet in hopes they will not be forgotten.

My niece told this one as an example of youthful exuberance and ambition. She relates it to her students from time to time when they think her expectations are too high. I hope I do it justice:

My brother and his family were all skiers, especially when the kids were young. They were all good skiers. Good, not great. My niece, Alison, recalls watching her two brothers, Jimmy and David, at the top of an extremely long steep hill. The hill was not just steep but was covered with huge moguls (not rich old men, but severe bumps and dips in the hill.) The hill was very icy which is typical when steep and bumps are involved as the good snow gets pushed off to the side leaving crusty packed icy snow.

Both boys eyed the slope with trepidation when Jimmy suddenly just pushed off and attempted the run. Heading straight down the icy slope, Jimmy navigated about half of the bumps with skill and dexterity when he caught an edge, flipped to his side, fell and tumbled about 100 yards down the hill ass over teacup until he finally slid to a stop. Jimmy did not move for what seemed like a minute, and then he slowly pulled himself up, dusted off the snow, and adjusted his hat. Looking back up the hill, bruised but still intact, Jimmy cupped his hands and yelled to David,

“IT’s DOABLE!"

David, of course, followed!

For a touching story demonstrating "It's Doable," visit this link from Suldog:
http://jimsuldog.blogspot.com/2013/06/sgt-damons-art.html

FIREFLIES

2013-06-13T06:27:00.000-07:00

FIREFLIES

A blog/Facebook friend recently commented that she just saw Fireflies for the first time in her life. This friend has moved in the last few years from England, to California, and then to Arkansas.

Fireflies are so common here in the Northeast; it was hard to imagine that anyone has never seen them. Then I remembered the first time I saw “lightning bugs.” I lived in Southern California from age 4 to 8. When we moved back east my first firefly sighting was exciting.

We captured them and put them in a jar with holes punched in the cap to create a living flashlight. I think we later released them but I don’t remember…let’s just say that we did. The sight of thousands of fireflies in the trees at night is a truly spectacular sight that we often take for granted.

How many other marvels of nature do we gloss over until someone points them out? When I returned “back east” at eight years old, I also remember my first serious snow fall. People often dread the snow. I still am fascinated by it. A good snow storm makes me feel young again. I go right back to those days of listening to WOR and John Gambling, praying to hear that my school was closed for the day. I love to look out at the street light at night during a big storm and watch the snow fall while I am safe and warm inside. It is hard to imagine that some people have never experienced snow.

There is so much in life that I have not seen. The Aurora Borealis, an eclipse of the Sun, elephants in the wild, a painted bunting, a Super Bowl Game from the fifty yard line, a wood duck, and lately my toes in the shower. Sometimes we need to stop and enjoy the wonders we do get to experience every year that many people only dream about.

Like a good snow fall in January.

Fireflies in June.

MAN’s INHUMANITY TO MAN

2013-06-12T06:33:00.000-07:00

MAN’s INHUMANITY TO MAN

One of the few things I like about being old is I can now admit when I don’t understand what something means. When you’re young and you don’t understand something that everyone else seems to get, you just nod your head and act like, “Yeah, I get it.”

When I was a college student, I Walked out of that classic movie “2001 A Space Odyssey” and the entire theater was in awe of how powerful this movie was. “Oh man, that was powerful, and the symbolism! Did you see those dancing apes, and the talking computers? What a message!”

Me? Not a clue, but so as not to look like a jerk I would go along with it.

“Wow that was something! I hear that message loud and clear!” Truthfully I never understood that movie, now as an old geezer I can admit I hated that movie and I don’t care what the critics say, that movie sucked. It sucked big time!

When I was young, you would never admit to not understanding anything about sex, sports, or all things manly. Now, I freely admit that I know very little about those things. I’m not sure what the difference is, maybe it’s just like “Hey, I may not know stuff but Dammit come see me when you’ve made it past 65 you young shit!"

Anyway.

In school there was always one thing that I never understood, now I gotta ask, and I know there are some teachers out there.

What in Sam Hill does “Man’s inhumanity to man” mean. In every English class I ever had and with every book or story we ever read, the teacher would ask, “What is the theme of this story?”

According to Wikipedia, the theme is “the central message of a literary work. It is not the same as a subject or plot.”

OK…I still don’t know what that means, and I sure never knew what it meant in school. However, after four years of high school it did finally sink in on me that no matter what book or story we read, apparently the “Overriding theme” of everything ever written is “Man’s inhumanity to man.”

That’s right, I still don’t know what that means, but according to every English teacher I ever had, “Man’s inhumanity to man” is the theme to everything.

So before Herman Melville sat down to scratch out Moby Dick he thought, “Hmmm…I’d really like to demonstrate ‘Man’s inhumanity to man.’ I know…a dude obsessed with catching a big fish!”

Mark Twain felt the best way to show “Man’s inhumanity to man” was to put two kids on a raft.

“Class, what is the theme of “2001 A Space Odyssey?”

“Progress isn’t always good?”

“No”

“Evolution never stops?”

“No”

“People have to learn to work together?”

“No”

“The theme of that movie is ‘Man’s inhumanity to man!’”

Why? Because apparently the theme to everything is “Man’s inhumanity to man.” Don’t ask me, that is what I learned in English class.

Well now after all those years of suffering through English class I finally have to ask,

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

OK, I don’t know what “Sam Hill” is either.

YOU’RE GOOD FOR YOUR AGE

2013-06-11T06:15:00.000-07:00

YOU’RE GOOD FOR YOUR AGE

“You’re good for your age!”

Growing up with two older brothers I heard this a lot. Whatever I did, in order to keep me happy, I was told I was good for my age. Older brothers are like that. Shoot some hoops, clang the ball off the rim and you hear, “Not bad, you’re good for your age.” Go bowling and manage to hit a pin, “Wow Joe, that’s good for your age.” Race your brothers, lose by a mile and still, “Yeah, but you’re fast for your age.”

I played golf very good for my age; I mowed the lawn good…considering my age. I rode a bike, swam, lifted weights, played football or baseball; I did all these things very good for my age.

And yet.

As I grew older I never excelled at any of these things. I was OK. I was pretty good, but within my age I was not much better than average. I was not good for my age, I was average for my age.

When you are young and told you’re “Good for your age,” you have high expectations. It is very disappointing to find you are only at best a little above average.

Eventually you accept reality.

There is nothing wrong with being average or maybe even a little better than average. You grow older and you learn to adjust your expectations. You realize that maybe instead of your brothers telling you that you sucked at something; they were just being nice when they diplomatically told you, “You’re good…for your age.

Last year I was playing golf with my grown son. I hit several drives onto the fairway almost 200 yards long. I was a little discouraged as a few years before I could hit the ball 225 to 250.

My spirits were lifted when my son told me, “You know dad, you’re pretty good…I mean…for your age!”

IDENTITY THEFT- a Cranky re-run

2013-06-10T07:16:00.000-07:00

IDENTITY THEFT

This re-run is from June 2012

Identity theft is a common problem in today’s digital age. Once someone steals your identity he can drain your bank or brokerage account and take out credit cards with your name and your credit rating and use them to the max. Getting out from under identity fraud is a long, arduous and expensive task. You may never get your credit rating back. Experts constantly warn that the most important advice to avoiding identity theft is to never give your Name, SS #, or birth date to a stranger, except:

To your Doctor’s receptionist – assuming you want to see the doctor.

Your Investment advisor’s secretary or your bank’s manager – Assuming you want to make an investment or open a checking account.

Your motor vehicle clerk – assuming you want a driver’s license or need to register your car.

Your insurance agent or representative – assuming you want health, car or life insurance.

Any store that you are applying to for credit – assuming you want to buy stuff.

Hardly a day goes by where some legitimate entity doesn’t demand to know my name, birth date, and social security number.

But then what is to worry about? Why would a doctor’s receptionist want to take my information and sell it to someone looking to steal my identity? Don’t doctor’s receptionists get paid huge salaries? Why would they need extra money from selling my information? Drugs? How would a doctor’s receptionist get access to drugs? No worries Ms. Snediker, you seem like a nice person do you need my bank account too?

Why shouldn’t I trust any secretary, clerk, doctor or lawyer? These people never have money problems, divorce, gambling or drinking issues. They could have no incentive to sell my sensitive information could they? Here take all my information…no problem!

Years ago, I volunteered to be a little league manager or coach. I was told they would need my social security number. “Why?” I was told so they could run a security check on me, but not to worry, no information would be given to anyone but the Little League national organization. It was all perfectly safe.

Two years later the same person who assured me the information was safe, the President of the local league, was arrested for stealing from his neighbors because his business went bankrupt, he couldn’t pay his mortgage and didn’t want his wife to find out. Fortunately my personal information which could have been used to steal my identity was untouched.

What the Hell am I worried about?

My name is Cranky Oldman. I was born September 31, 1946. My social security number is 555-fuc-kyou.

STUPID HEADLINES 060913

2013-06-09T07:01:00.003-07:00

STUPID HEADLINES 060913

It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

Who would have thunk it?

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

One headline is completely made up. Guess the fake and win a mention.

Some women can have orgasms during child birth, study suggests – Well now I understand why some women just keep having more…and you know who you are!

Breeze blamed: Gang rape defendant claims wind carried DNA from beer can to condom – For all you law students out there, this does not fall into the category of reasonable doubt.

Domino's tests drone pizza delivery – How much do you tip a drone?

'Emotionally disturbed' man stabs self on ‘Today’ show plaza, police say – Well maybe he was ‘Emotionally disturbed,’ but have you ever tried to watch “The Today Show?”

Rhode Island TV news crew attacked while reporting on story about kindergarten party shooting – Those kindergarten parties always get out of hand!

Texas man flips out at car show, is carried away by police screaming, “TOO MANY PASSWORDS!!” – Dude, just change all your passwords to “sdrowssap.”

Woman attempting to live on nothing but water and sunlight for 6 months – Woman, Nevanna Shine, (who could make that up?) has so far lost 30 pounds and has a severe case of sunburn.

Woman Tasered After 'Trying to Buy Too Many iPhones' – Woman is now iRate!

Tanker truck full of Scotch whisky tips over and catches on fire in Woodbridge – I wonder how good is the whisky that is shipped by a tanker?

Saudi Arabia's jobs problem: Not enough executioners – The country needs to offer more college degrees in “Headchopping.”

Last week’s fake headline was:

Survey: Marriage counselors' success rate is 50% - Hmmm…kinda the same as the divorce rate.

Several people guessed the poop transplant, but believe it or not, a poop transplant is a medical procedure:

Stool transplant, fecal enema and human probiotic infusion (HPI). FMT involves restoration of the colonic flora by introducing healthy bacterial flora through infusion of stool, e.g. by enema, obtained from a healthy human donor.

Only one person guessed the fake headline:

Kellie @ http://delightfullyludicrous.blogspot.com/ correctly deduced “The marriage counselor one, there's no way their success rate is that high ;P”

Should We Have A Fat Tax?

2013-06-08T05:38:00.000-07:00

Should We Have A Fat Tax?

A Cranky opinion on Cranky Opinion Saturday

The following is the opinion of a Cranky Old Man. Opposing opinions are welcome (wrong but welcome) but please, no name calling…and that means you, you big stupid head!

Is our health system going broke because of fat people? I don’t mean to pick on fat people, I am no slim Jim myself, but it seems to be OK to tax drinkers and their alcohol consumption, and cigarette smoking has been reduced partially due to high product taxes. We tax gasoline to discourage use. We tax to raise money necessary for the government to deliver services; we also tax in order to discourage consumption of items society deems dangerous and or undesirable.

A recent post by a blogger I follow, Dr. Vinnie, addresses the epidemic our country is facing due to morbid obesity*. Obesity causes or exacerbates the vast majority of all the health issues which cost us so much in both dollars and of course lives, and yet discouraging the consumption which promotes this condition has not been attempted. Perhaps our society needs to look upon the obese as the same kind of pariahs that we have made smokers.

Is that mean?

If we can tax smokers into bankruptcy to make them quit, if we can embarrass smokers by forcing them outside and into special smoking areas while non-smokers wave their hands to ward off the smoke in distain, if it is politically correct to look a smoker in the eye and chastise them for disturbing the air with second hand smoke, if it is ok to walk by a person inhaling his addictive drug and exclaim, “Ewww, a smoker!” Then perhaps it is time to put the pressure on another group who are creating a health crisis because of their being inconsiderate!

Is this harsh? Yes it is, but I was subjected to all of the above before I quit smoking, and I know it was in my own best interests. Sometimes bullying to force people to conform to societies accepted behavior is not a bad thing.

Dr. Vinnie offers some good first steps to fighting this epidemic. First is tax the hell out of soda. If alcohol is bad, if tobacco is evil, who wants to make an argument that drinking mass quantities of sugar water is worth supporting. Health studies have also demonstrated that so called “Diet” soda may well be worse than the pure sugar water we call soda.

I say tax soda. Tax ice cream. Tax donuts. Tax French fries. Tax fat! Establish designated areas where it is allowable to consume any of these products so others do not have to inhale second hand calories. Make it politically correct to point at overweight people and shout, “Fat, fat, the water rat!” Charge fat people extra to fly or take any public transportation.

Let’s have a war against obesity. Is that harsh? Probably, but so is diabetes, so is arthritis, so are heart attacks, so is difficulty climbing stairs.

Stop enabling fat people.

I was a smoker for years. I was a second class citizen for years. No one pitied me for my affliction. My addiction was not enabled, society made it worthwhile for me to suffer through months of withdrawal in order to not be a pariah. I was bullied into not smoking, and it was for my own good.

Don’t we owe fat people the same kind of social conditioning?

The preceding has been the opinion of a Cranky old man, and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

*For a more reasonable discussion on this topic from someone who actually knows what the hell he is talking about see Dr. Vinnie’s post:

http://doctorrwanda.blogspot.com/2013/06/heavy-matters.html

EVEN MORE EMAILS TO CRANKY

2013-06-07T06:21:00.000-07:00

EVEN MORE EMAILS TO CRANKY

Emails, I get emails, I get lots of funny emails

From FRAT BRO Squeak

Michelle Wie - pro golfer.

Matching lavender outfit worth $2000.

New pair of French sunglasses worth $500.

NIKE products Endorsements worth $10,000,000.

That handy gadget to hold your putter ....

Priceless!!!

From Lo @ http://loisstearns.blogspot.com

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another

dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's

interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's

happy to see you.

FROM BRENDA

FROM FRAT BRO FAST FREDDIE J.

How to tell time in Italy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHyRCeKxhss&feature=youtu.be Go ahead, it's safe.

FROM FRAT BRO MARTY K.

Is prostitution legal in Texas? I don’t think so...but a good story anyway!

YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!

MT. VERNON , TEXAS WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response. the local Baptist Church across the street started a campaign to block the business from expanding with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening, when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week Jill Diamond , the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied any and all responsibility, or any connection to the building's destruction.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case. It appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"

FROM ARKANSAS LOU @ http://waitingtoemigrate.blogspot.com/

OLD FART PRIDE

I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.

Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment They know the words and believe in them.
Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .
If you bump into an Old Fart on the pavement they will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.
It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values..

We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Farts!

Pass this on to all the "Old Farts" you know.

I was taught to respect my elders…..It's just getting harder to find them.

I guess I only qualify for part Old Fart

One more from Marty K.

The Miracle of Wine

Praise the Lord!

Keep 'em Coming Folks

Dreams Can Come True

2013-06-06T06:15:00.000-07:00

Dreams Can Come True

Guest Author

A guest post by Halley M. who also happens to be my 8 yo granddaughter. Still this story was chosen over thousands submitted from all across the country. No nepotism on this blog!

DREAMS CAN COME TRUE

by Halley M.

Abigail loved to sing. She would always do it. But, she couldn`t it in front of a lot of people. One day when she went to school, she had a dream in one of her classes. “Abigail! Abigail, wake up!” said her teacher. None of her friends knew that she had stage fright. When her friend Lila came over to study with Abigail, she had to blurt out she had it. Lila was very surprised with Abigail. Lila's dad was a record producer. He could make Abigail famous. So her dad decided to make Abigail better at performing.

Soon Abigail grew better. She thought that she could do a show. So she recorded her song and went home. One day someone came and deleted her song. So she recorded it again. One day Lila`s dad told Abigail that she could perform at one of the biggest concerts ever!!! There would be people like Taylor Swift, 1 Direction, And Selena Gomez. When it was time to perform, Abigail tried to get over her stage fright, but she didn`t. But then she just sang, she felt free. She felt like she felt never before. Abigail was Abigail, she felt like herself. She said “I can`t believe I just sang in front of a ton of people.

So for the rest of her life she felt like a true princess. She had dreams. Abigail thanked Lila`s dad and forever loved him.

Dreams can come true.

Last night Halley performed in her first piano recital. She played very well, even though I am guessing she might have been a little nervous.

A DENTIST IS A DENTIST part II

2013-06-05T03:47:00.000-07:00

A DENTIST IS A DENTIST part II

When we last left the Cranky Old Man, he was forced to leave his long trusted dentists in order to continue his insurance coverage.

If you missed yesterday's post it is not too late to catch up here:
http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-dentist-is-dentist.html

OK, now on to part II

One year ago, I had a tooth start to act up. It was a tooth that had a root canal done on it years ago and now had a slight infection. Two years before, Dr. Dembinski had given me some anti-biotic for the same tooth when it "acted-up" and that did the trick.

I went to my new dentist, Dr. Patel, hoping the same anti-biotic would again do the trick. I had seen Dr. Patel only once, for an insurance required referral for an extraction. He signed the referral very well. Mrs. Cranky thought he was a "little creepy." I ignored her woman's instinct for "creepy" and said, "come on, a dentist is a dentist."

Dr. Patel told me my problem was I had a very unusual tooth. It had a fourth root that was missed by my previous doctor and not treated. That was what was causing me my pain. It needed another root canal and a crown, an expensive and time consuming procedure.

I was about to go on a two week vacation and asked for the anti-biotic to stem the discomfort until I returned. I thought it unusual that my trusted dentist of over 35 years would miss a root in an ex-ray. Dr. Patel wrote a prescription and told me to return after vacation to fix the tooth for good.

I did not go back.

That tooth has not bother me since, but I recently had another tooth act up. I had forgotten Dr. Patel’s number, so I looked it up on the internet. Here is what I found:

Metuchen dentist charged with falsifying dental records of 3 children, grandmother killed in South Plainfield fire –

Dr. Patel had been committing insurance fraud and was caught because of faulty dental records used to identify victims of a fire.

Then I looked for reviews of Dr. Patel’s work:


3/8/12	1	1	1	1	and.... now he's in jail for malpractice...busted! http://www.MyCentralJersey.com/article/20120308/NJNE...\|mostview Paid/Co-pay: $1111	Respond
10/24/11	1	1	1	1	Stay away from this guy. Rip offffff... Glad I met dr. Susan krutyansky in metuchen. Insurance: Aetna	Respond
9/21/07	2	2	4	3	I am the same person that have rated here Dr.Patel as good doc on 09/14/07. I should say what happened to me after that. The waiting was pathetic at the room for the root canal procedure say about 55 mins. After giving the numbing injection he said after 15 mins he will be back, but i saw him after 55 mins. Please be very careful and make sure several times that the prescribed medication is for the right purposes. Eg: He told me to take antibiotics & wrote down painkiller medication only but did not include the antibiotic. The receptionist was trying to defend that the doc prescribed the antibio in the paper, but i got the copy of the prescribed paper from walgreens & YESS the doc was wrong. I think he knows what he's doing but VERY VERY CARELESS . Good luck..... Insurance: Aetna	Respond

10/24/12	1	1	1	1	This Doctor ruined my mouth.....he split my tooth in half while putting in a crown then was forced to do extraction. While doing extraction he broke a peice of my jaw off and left it under the Gum. A year later I had excrutiating pain went to another dentist and he was the one who told me my jaw was broken......guess what another surgery. I am debating whether or not to sue but now I think he's in jail?	Respond

Hmmm…Maybe a dentist is not always a dentist.

I went back to Noonan and Dembinski. If I can’t get different insurance I will just have to find a way to pay. I would rather lose the money than lose my mouth!

And I am going to take a wild guess that the other tooth does NOT have a fourth root!

A DENTIST IS A DENTIST

2013-06-04T04:51:00.001-07:00

A DENTIST IS A DENTIST - part I

Have you ever been to a bad dentist? Of course you don’t really know you have a bad dentist until you go to a good one. When you have a good dentist you start to wonder about all your previous experiences with a dentist.

“Oh, this cavity is in a really bad location, it is very hard to reach. I’ve never seen anything quite like it!”

“This Novocain will hurt just a bit.”

“This might be a bit tricky.”

Years ago I went to a dentist who could not even fill a cavity. He took an hour for a single filling. He was pretty much all thumbs. He did double up on the Novocain, gave me plenty of laughing gas, and played some “Stones” through a pair of headphones while he labored. My teeth hurt like hell hours later, but it was as close as I ever got to a real drug experience.

I found another dentist 38 years ago, the office of Dr. Noonan, and Dr. Dembinski. In all those years, I never had a filling take over 20 minutes to drill and fill. The Novocain shot never hurt, and nothing was ever “tricky!”

I never had to wait past my appointment time…ever!

One Saturday morning I was 10 minutes late for a nine o’clock appointment with Dr. Noonan. Dr. Noonan prided himself in never falling behind schedule. He shot my tooth up with Novocain, and returned three minutes later to drill. It usually took ten minutes for the Novocain to kick in. It still took ten minutes for it to kick in on this Saturday.

I was never late for an appointment with Dr. Noonan again.

One time Dr. Dembinski did tell me a root canal job was going to be tricky. He recommended a specialist for this job. I questioned why it needed a specialist as he had successfully done several root canals on my mouth in the past.

“Well, my experience and several years of Dental College tell me I should not try to do this root canal, I think you need someone who specializes in this particular situation…but if you’d like me to try…”

I never questioned Dr. Dembinski’s expertise again.

When I retired several years ago, Drs. Noonan and Dembinski were not in my new insurance plans network. I needed to find a new dentist.

I found one even closer to where I lived, “Smiley Faces” run by a Dr. Paresh Patel. I wanted to save money so I signed up with Dr. Patel. A dentist is a dentist right?

Tomorrow - A DENTIST IS A DENTIST - part II

FASHION DICTATORS - a cranky re-run

2013-06-03T05:41:00.000-07:00

FASHION DICTATORS

re-run from May 2012

Miss J. Alexander TV Fashion expert dude

Who are these people who tell us what to wear and how to decorate? Why do we listen to them? Most of these fashion/decorator dictators have lifestyle tastes totally different from mine and yet I am supposed to listen to them about how to dress and what colors to put in my living room (do people still have living rooms? I know parlors are out.)

A perfectly nice gay gentleman just informed me that artificial flowers in the house are bad feng shui. I am sure this dude knows his design, but he does not know me. We are different, why should his design ideas mean anything to me? I don’t ask him for ideas on sex partners why do I care about his ideas on design? What is feng shui and why should I care? Do dead flowers bring good feng shui, because that’s what happens to my flowers?

Look, sometimes I admit I have no idea about what clothes to wear and I will ask for advice. There are times when I seek another’s opinion on designing a room. Some things I just do not care that deeply about and I want to know what most people find acceptable. BUT…It just annoys the hell out of me when some TV fashion expert dude puts down things that I do like.

You pretentious asshole! You are wearing orange pants, a shirt with a giant daisy print, purple boots, multi colored hair in a huge bouffant, lipstick and blue crap on your eye lids and you tell some poor slub, “Honey you have no taste.” AND…The poor slub LISTENS!!

Let me answer for that poor TV slub.

“Listen jerk-weed I do have taste. I don’t have your taste. You like penis; I prefer vigina. I don’t care about texture or curves or style or ‘pop’ or mauve. If I want to wear black, then that is my taste. If I want a frickin moose head on my wall, then that is my taste, if I want steak, and cheese flipping pie makes me throw the F-up, please do not tell me I have no taste. I don’t have your taste you arrogant douche!”

Those that know me will say, “But Cranky, I’ve seen where you live, I know how you dress; you don’t wear black, and there is no moose head in your home.”

This is true. Am I a hypocrite? Listen, I sleep with Mrs. Cranky, I defer to her taste.

STUPID HEADLINES 060213

2013-06-02T05:06:00.000-07:00

STUPID HEADLINES 060213

It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

Headline courtesy of Jackie K. @ http://www.keepworkingthroughit.blogspot.com.au/

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments.

One headline is completely made up. Guess the fake and win a mention.

Burger King Employee Foils Robbery by Stealing Thieves' Getaway Car – Employee is now doing 1-5 for grand theft auto.

Iran hauls off Christian pastor, shuts down church in new sweep – Apparently that is OK in Iran, but Christians better not draw cartoons that offend a Muslim.

Man Sues Wife for their “Ugly Baby” – Come on Dude…they all look like that the first week!

DOJ Tells Employees to Verbally Affirm Homosexuality – How often? Daily, every hour? How about just removing “Under God” from the pledge and replacing it with “One nation, including gays, transgendered, cross-dressers, bi-sexual, foot-fetished, red-headed, bald, black, white, Native American, Indian, Muslim, satan worshipers, and heterosexuals, with liberty…”

Cuomo Flogs Weiner – Ewww…I hope he didn’t text that!

Woman to have ‘dolphin-assisted’ birth – Pant, Pant, ekk-ekk-ekk, Pant, Pant ekk-ekk-ekk.

Survey: Marriage counselors' success rate is 50% - Hmmm…kinda the same as the divorce rate.

'Poop transplants': How well do they really work? – And why? Who doesn’t have enough of their own poop?

Dog Working as Canine Ambassador at Upscale Hotel – Well…not THAT upscale.

8-Year-Old Suspended Over Gun-Shaped Pop-Tart – I could understand the suspension for having a pop-tart, but the gun thing…?

Brain capable of making its own version of Valium – If I think really hard, can I get my brain to make its own version of Scotch?

Medical marijuana for your pet? – No seriously Dood, it’s for my dog, like he like barks and shits and shit, really dood, it ain’t for me…

Burger King creates hands free Whopper holder – For those times where you just have to eat but need your hands for something else!

Idiots try to eat dinner on iceberg, get blown out to sea – Idiot diners blame “Climate Change.”

Last week’s fake headline was:

Scientist receives $100,000 Government Grant to determine if chicken or egg came first – Next will be a grant to determine why that chicken crossed the road.

The following bloggers successfully guessed the fake headline:

TexWisGirl @ http://run-a-roundranch.blogspot.com/ She guesses it every week, I may have to disallow her entries. In the meantime check out her great photos…especially if you love ducks.

Stephen @ http://chubbychatterbox.com/ guessed correctly as he knew the Government would never pay for anything with any substance at all…Dang Liberal! Go read his stuff anyway; his stories are some of the best in the blog world!!

Val @ http://unbaggingthecats.blogspot.com/ Guessed correctly figuring that $100,000 was way too little for a Government study. Do not read Val’s posts if laughing makes your side hurt.

Leenie @ http://bonkersycarax.blogspot.com/ copied Val, but check out her posts anyway…very nice Photos

Marcy @ http://www.tootimidandsqueamish.com/ also guessed the French Tax thing, so she is disqualified for making two guesses and will not get a mention. That is too bad, because she is what is sometimes called “A piece of work” and her posts are a good read. Sadly, do not visit Marcy @ http://www.tootimidandsqueamish.com/ . Sorry, but rules are rules.

Fran @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/ was too busy arguing her previous weeks disqualification to venture a guess, so Fran @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/ will not get a mention…do not read Fran’s very funny posts @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/

BIRTHDAY PARTIES FOR KIDS

2013-06-01T05:03:00.000-07:00

BIRTHDAY PARTIES FOR KIDS

A Cranky Saturday Opinion

Opposing opinions are welcome (wrong, but welcome) on Cranky Opinion Saturday, but please, no name calling…and that means you, you big stupid head!

This cranky old man is having trouble coming up with an opinion for this Saturday, so I will pick on the relatively new tradition of fancy birthday parties for kids. My Grandson Connor is having his third birthday party today.

Are these parties for the children or the parents? Do parents get into the “my party is better than your party” vicious cycle?

Children do not remember very much until the age of at least five, so any party up to that age should just be for family and a few friends.

A present or two, sing “Happy Birthday,” eat cake and take pictures…good.

Clowns, ponies, blow-up jumpy things, zillions of kids and tons of toys…bad.

Years ago in another life, my wife forced me to go to all these parties. After working all week, I really did not want to drive two hours away to spend the first sunny day of summer drinking soda, eating Cheetos, and watching a bunch of two and three year olds whine and break stuff while their parents had to demonstrate that their precious spawn could high five, wave bye-bye, blow kisses, and say that ever so funny, “No way Jose!” to virtually every request.

RT- Mrs. Wiskowski, fifth grade English, would take off 5 points for “Too many words!” in that last sentence.

Of course, all these comments are null and void when it comes to my grandkids. But Hell, they are really cute and deserve to be celebrated!

So there is my opinion on kid’s birthday parties. They suck. They are a waste. They are for spoiled little brats who should be wrapped up in duct tape and sat in a corner while grown-ups drink wine and have fun.

Except my grandkids. They should be on display for all to marvel at their adorableness, intelligence, and incredible advanced abilities.

Wait, I have some pictures and a video of Connor and me bumping fists. It’s here someplace. Hold on, it is really cute. Wait…it is right here…don’t go!

Oh well, I’ll just put it up on that “your-tube” thingy. Check it out; it is sure to become a virus.

The preceding opinions were that of a cranky old man and not necessarily those of management…Mrs. Cranky.

JUST GET ME TO THE JOB ON TIME

2013-05-31T05:10:00.000-07:00

JUST GET ME TO THE JOB ON TIME

Why are some people always late? Psychologists have tried to answer this question. Some say it is a function of ADD and the person can only concentrate when he is under the gun. Some say certain people enjoy the adrenaline rush of cutting it close. I have always been late, late to school, late to work, late to everything.

People who are late are viewed as being disrespectful. I can’t respect those people. People who are late are judged as not caring. I don’t care. Experts claim people who are chronically late believe they are better than everyone else. I think that is ridiculous…I am better than that.

Seriously, I have always been late. I don’t know why. It seems there are two types of people when it comes to tardiness, those who are always five minutes early and those who are always five minutes late. The five minutes early people are incensed by the five minutes late people. The worst thing in the world is for a five minutes late person to work for a five minutes early person.

When I was a paper pusher for a large brokerage firm, I supervised a unit of about twenty people. As a supervisor, I was off the clock and my occasional tardiness was not a major issue. One of my better workers, however, was a five minutes late person every single day and his tardiness was a major issue.

Work started at 9:00. Everyone in my unit showed up at 8:55, went for coffee and was ready to work at 9:10. Lou, Mr. Five-minutes-late, came to work at 9:05, sat down and started his job right away. My boss was incensed at Lou’s tardiness and was constantly on me to change his behavior or fire him.

I did not want to fire Lou, he was a good worker, and he was a fellow five minutes late person. I told Lou, I expected him to be at work at 8:55 and that worked for a week or two until he realized that since he was not marked late when he came in at 9:00 he could probably come in at 9:05. My hands were tied; I was going to have to fire Lou.

Just before I had to pull the trigger on Lou’s employment, my manager approached me with a problem. He was getting complaints that our department was not staffed to solve customer problems after 5:00. Could I get someone to volunteer to change his hours from 9:00 to 5:00 to 9:30 to 5:30? I had just the candidate.

I told Lou he had one more chance before I would have to let him go. Since he had trouble getting to work by 9:00 I would allow him to come in at 9:15 and work to 5:15, but if he was ever just five minutes late he would have to stay and work till 5:30.

Lou did not come in to work one day before 9:20. He assumed he was always five minutes late and worked till 5:30 without complaint. I got an extra ten minutes of coverage without paying for overtime, and my boss was astounded that I was able to turn chronically late Lou into a ten minute early employee.

It takes a five minute late person to solve the problem of another five minute late person.

IN MY DAY

2013-05-30T04:37:00.000-07:00

IN MY DAY

As I get older, I often wonder, “What the hell is it with this new generation?” They don’t listen to our wisdom, they have new ideas about everything, and they want to change how we do everything. Almost nothing is sacred.

In my day, we never worried about how our babies slept. On their back, on their side, on their stomach…either way was just fine. Today’s parents…crazy.

In my day, we didn’t worry about our kids every minute. They played outside, they rode bicycles and skateboards without silly helmets and when it got dark they would come home.

In my day we didn’t have cell phones. If we did have them, we certainly would not give them to our children. We didn’t spoil our children like they do today.

In my day music was music, and lyrics did not have filthy words. Our children did not wear revealing clothes and they did not have to hear all about sex in school “sex education” classes. Sex was dirty and not discussed in public.

In my day, gay people were “confirmed bachelors” or “spinsters” and there was no gay marriage nonsense.

In my day people did not divorce; married couples stayed together through thick and thin.

Yes, as you age you realize just how crazy the world has become. Children are spoiled, and coddled from the cradle till they leave home which is now around 26 not 18. People want it all, and are unable to accept societies rules.

Of course:

In my day some babies died unexpectedly from this thing called SIDS.

In my day, some kids crashed their bikes and were severely brain damaged.

In my day some kids never came home after dark.

In my day, we worried ourselves sick when sometimes we did not know where our children were…would have been nice if we could have just called.

In my day, girls got pregnant because they didn’t know they could. Some of these pregnant girls died undergoing abortions by quack doctors in unsanitary rooms. Some of these girls just killed themselves because their condition was so unaccepted in my society.

In my day, people had to hide their sexuality and were shamed into lying about who they really were. Some could not live like this and they took their own lives.

In my day many married couples lived together hating each other in a sexless, loveless, miserable but acceptable partnership. Sometimes one partner was constantly verbally or physically abused on a daily basis, but they would not leave, they would not divorce.

In my day we knew how to endure abuse. We behaved the way we were taught we should behave, we did what we were expected to do and we believed what our leaders and experts told us to believe. We were suspicious of new things when the old ways seemed to work just fine.

In my day we were ignorant.

WESTFIELD HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

2013-05-29T06:12:00.000-07:00

WESTFIELD HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

My fiftieth high school reunion is coming up next year. Many graduates seem excited about this event. I will not attend. I went to the tenth reunion. I went one day late. I took that as an omen and have avoided all other reunions. Fact is I hated high school, had few friends, and considered the vast majority of the “popular kids” the very people who tend to attend reunions, to have been ~~giant assholes~~ kinda snobbish.

I really don’t need to visit fifty years later and have many of these ~~giant~~ ~~assholes~~ kinda snobbish people who will be parading around their great lifetime success ask me, “And who were you?”

Fuck’em.

Two weeks ago I attended a mini reunion at my old friend Charley (I know…the gay spelling) “Wink,” “Ditmus,” “Chuck,” Widmer’s home. He was holding the second annual baseball player reunion with Brian Doyle, Ed Thorne, Rob Schram, and Dwight Davies. I didn’t play baseball, but since Charley (right guard) and Dwight (quarterback) also played football with me I was invited this year.

Doyle, Davies, Schram, Widmer, Cranky (Thorne is hiding behind the curtain)

Much of this reunion revolved around whether someone was out or safe in the final play of a championship game which they lost. The consensus was they were “jobbed” by an umpire who did not like their team. Further discussions intimated this ump may have disliked the team because Chuck, the catcher, had a habit of calling a high inside fastball and then ducking it so it would hit the ump. This was generally done after Chuck did not agree with a ball or strike call.

Anyway

The conversation eventually came around to football and in particular our coach Gary Kehler. Kehler is a legend in the world of New Jersey High School football. His teams always had winning seasons, and at one stretch he coached his teams to a record 48 straight wins. That record is even more remarkable in that he did it with little more than average talent. He coached many very good players, but his description of most of his teams was, “We may have been small, but we were slow!”

Legendary Coach Kehler (RIP)

Three memories from our team in 1963.

First was the fact that before every game and practice we were required to take two salt tablets. During games and practices we were never allowed to drink water, we could wet our mouths, but were told to spit it out…(we did cheat a little.) The salt was to replace what was lost from sweating, and it was thought that drinking water would cause cramping. Those who were overcome by heat exhaustion (myself several times) were sent to a fence to lose their lunch and then return to much berating and criticism.

Years later Dwight recounts how he visited with the old coach. They talked of all the kids he coached and how many lives he touched in such a positive way. Dwight asked him, “Is there anything you regret from all those years?” His response, “I wish I gave you all some water…I just didn’t know any better…I was lucky no one died!”

The second was a classic pregame “chalk talk.”

Coach Kehler was explaining how we would block on a run play around the right end. With x’s over o’s in various positions he directed the blocking pattern and then asked for any questions. Brad Zimmerman a second string lineman asked how to block a defensive scheme which essentially had nine x’s versus four o’s. Kehler posted this situation on the board, stepped back and looked at it for a minute, and then with his best sarcasm said, “Well Brad we will either get our asses handed to us for a big loss, or Dwight will fake the handoff and skip around left end untouched for a touchdown!” Zimmerman never asked another question during one of these meetings.

The third memory was the Thanksgiving Plainfield Game, the final game of our senior year.

Plainfield High was undefeated at 8-0 and was rated number 1 in the state. We were 6-2 and unrated. Plainfield had many “All State” stars, including a running back, Vic Washington, who would go on to be an all-pro back for the San Francisco 49ers.

We were over powered, out skilled and overmatched in all ways except coaching. Plainfield was out coached. Our team had few plays in the playbook. We ran about eight plays, three to the left, three to the right and two up the middle. We had two passing plays, both coming off play action. Ten plays, but we ran them all really well. We managed to score 14 points; two extra points coming on kicks which no other teams at that time were able to do very successfully. Most teams ran for their extra points.

Westfield held Plainfield to two touchdowns. Kehler assigned linebacker Jim Minnow to exclusively follow Vic Washington. Their favorite play was to send Vic up the middle on a fake run and then pass it to him. Jim “fell” for the fake every time and tackled Vic so he could never get open for the pass. Whenever Vic got the ball he also got Jim! He was shut down and frustrated.

When Plainfield did score their touchdowns we shut down their extra point attempts with a defense called “All In.” Plainfield always ran for the extra point. They always ran straight up the middle with their power formation. Kehler decided to shut down that play by sending all eleven players against the middle run. Plainfield did not adjust. We won 14-12.

Great times, great memories, great company. I don’t think the fiftieth reunion with all the super successful “popular kids” could be any better.

Maybe the seventy-fifth.

WHY MEN CHEAT-a Cranky re-run

2013-05-28T04:48:00.000-07:00

WHY MEN CHEAT

This re-run from May 2012

Mrs. Cranky recently sent me a video about “Why Men Cheat.” It came from a love and relationship expert who was responding to a question from a listener. Her answer was surprising.

This expert, a woman, asserted that men cheat not for sex, but because of a lack of appreciation at home. They cheat because they are not treated special. They cheat because they are not acknowledged.

Very interesting. It must be true because it comes from a love and relationship expert. I would have become a love and relationship expert but they did not offer a love and relationship curriculum when I went to College. I wonder what chapter in the love and relationship book covers “Why Men Cheat?”

Leave it to a woman to take the simplest question about men and make it all about feelings. She took a question about men and answered it with a female brain. To back up her position she questioned 30 men on the subject and they agreed with her assertion.

Where did she find 30 men who cheat? Let me rephrase that…Where did she find 30 men who would admit to cheating? As an expert on love and relationships she does not understand a very simple fact. When it comes to sex, MEN LIE!

If you interviewed 100 men on the size of their manhood, you would learn that the average size is a little over eight inches. When it comes to sex, MEN LIE! If you ask men why they cheat, you will find it is because their wife doesn’t understand them and they aren’t treated special, and they are not acknowledged. When it comes to sex, MEN LIE!

Men say this shit, because women believe it.

The real answer is very simple. Men cheat because:

1. They are not getting laid enough

2. Men cheat because they can

A man who has a satisfying sex life at home and travels on a business trip will not look to get laid on that trip…unless he has the chance to get laid. Then he will cheat. (Well not your man, but most men.)

Professional athletes travel, are wealthy, are in shape, are generally attractive, and are surrounded by women looking to score with someone famous and wealthy. A high percentage of professional athletes cheat. Is there something about professional athletes that makes a high percentage of them not appreciated, treated special or acknowledged by their wives? I don’t think so! They have the opportunity, it is easy, and they cheat.

Why do people make questions about men so complicated? When you want to know why men cheat, why do people ask a woman?

Oh wait…I forgot…when it comes to sex, MEN LIE!

A DAY AT THE RACES 2013

2013-05-27T06:52:00.003-07:00

A DAY AT THE RACES 2013

Every Memorial Day weekend Mrs. Cranky, I, and the step-cranks go to Monmouth Park Racetrack. Mrs. Cranky’s best friend Jackie H. invites us to a shindig her sister, a horse owner and racer, throws at the park. We get free admittance, special seating right up by the rail, free food and drink. It is always a good time…Thank you Linda H.!

Free Food!!

Cranky surrounded by Jackie and Linda H.

We always have fun, even though we always lose money. Picking horses is HARD! This year it was extra fun, because this year I actually won some money. We bet on seven races and I won $32.60 total…I KNOW!!

This year I had a system. I only bet one horse a race. I only bet $6.00 a race; $2.00 to win, $4.00 to place. I tried to bet a horse that was NOT a long shot, and had a name that somehow struck a chord with me. Sure- fire right?

We missed the first two races.

In the third I bet “Angelofdistinction,” a favorite whose name just stood out to me. He finished second and I won $1.00.

In the fourth I picked “Rock Star Royalty” running at 4-1. I recently referred to someone as a “Rock Star,” so I had to bet this horse. He won, and I came away with $5.00.

In the fifth, I chose “Wellingtons Appeal” at 5-1. I watch Gordon Ramsey’s “Hell’s Kitchen” every week, and he always has the contestants prepare Beef Wellington so…The horse came in second, and I pocketed 2.40.

The sixth was my big score. I made $16.20 when “Big Dealer” finished second. “Big Dealer” was owned by someone with the same name as one of my son Mike’s best friends in high school. Who wouldn’t take that bet?

The seventh race was even easier. I bet “Sweet Mike.” “Sweet Mike” was out of a horse named “Thunderous Waves.” My son lives in Santa Monica, Ca. and he surfs almost daily. “Sweet Mike” came in second and I came away with another $8.00. I would have won even more if I had gone with “Michael With Us” who won the race, but what can you do?

Eighth race no name struck my fancy, so I just bet “Elba,” a 3-1 favorite. “Elba” won and I cashed another $6.00.

We were going to leave after this race, but we had to stay for the ninth because a horse was running named “Go Joe Go!” “Go Joe Go” was the eight horse. When I got to the teller I found out that the eight horse was a scratch. I was going to bet nothing, but then I looked down the racing form and what did I see? The nine horse was named “Katrina’s Prince.”

Katrina is the name of one of my favorite bloggers @ http://www.theyallcallmemom.com/. Katrina is the longest, if not the best, commenter on the internet. Katrina is due to deliver her tenth baby any day now. The baby is going to be a boy. Katrina’s Prince!! Got to be a lock. I put all $6.00 on this horse, a 7-2 favorite, to win.

It was a long race, and “Katrina’s Prince” stayed in the middle of the pack, just waiting for the final stretch to blow buy the other horses. I had not lost a race today; with this horse’s name I was sure to win again…

or not.

“Katrina’s Prince” ran out of gas and finished last. So much for my system. Still I won $32.60, Mrs. C lost $24.00 and the step-cranks and the step-crank’s GF all won $70.00 each after they picked a longshot winner. It was my first time ever walking away a winner…until…

I found out that Mrs. C gave each of the “kids” $20.00 to bet with, so we actually lost $51.40…damn!!

It was still a great day. We had a blast, and I know any day now the real Katrina’s Prince will join the human race, and that Prince is sure to be a big winner!!

Happy Memorial Day everyone...Thank you to all that have served and sacrificed so we may have our FREEDOM and live in this wonderful Country!!

STUPID HEADLINES 052613

2013-05-26T04:43:00.000-07:00

STUPID HEADLINES 052613

It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

And if you MUST take poison, please take it responsibly!

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments

One headline is completely made up. Guess the fake and win a mention.*

Thousands of French Households Taxed 100% - Well I guess they’ll just have to work a little harder!

'Toilet of the future' solves global issues – I think this was a misprint, should have been tissues.

Bacon restaurant shut down for smelling like bacon – Restaurant owner Kevin Bacon vows to shower more often.

More Americans Murdered In Mexico Than In Any Other Country In The World – Well yes, as technically Detroit is not a country.

Phil Jackson Once Dreamt About Spanking Kobe Bryant – It’s going to take a while to get that image out of my head.

Nepal slams climber's 'illegal' call from top of Mount Everest – Apparently it is illegal to yodel in Nepal.

FCC proposing to allow more sex and profanity during kids’ television viewing hours – Well, I guess since it is allowed on our streets, busses and trains, why not on TV?

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner announces bid for NYC mayor – Could we please have a law that people who text pictures of their penis to young girls cannot run for Mayor of the greatest city in the world!

Ex-congressman Weiner doing his Eagle imitation.

Teen Who Invited Kate Upton to Prom Gets Best Consolation Prize Ever – Is anyone else getting tired of these dweebs inviting movie stars and athletes to their prom?

Scientist receives $100,000 Government Grant to determine if chicken or egg came first – Next will be a grant to determine why that chicken crossed the road.

Last week’s fake headlines:

Kosher Shrimp Co. Ferclempt Inc. third quarter comes up short, declares bankruptcy – Shrimp comes up short? Pleeze!

Dunkin Donuts sued for reverse discrimination – Apparently White Men can’t dunk.

TexWisGirl, Lo, and Val all guessed the Kosher Shrimp but did not get the Dunkin Donuts and therefore these bloggers:

TexWisGirl @ http://run-a-roundranch.blogspot.com/

Lo @ http://loisstearns.blogspot.com/

Val @ http://unbaggingthecats.blogspot.com/

Will not win a mention, and I will not suggest you visit their very entertaining posts!

Fran @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/ knew that Shrimp are never kosher, but claimed all the other headlines were real based on some faulty Googling. Because of this error and because Googling for answers is strictly forbidden,

Fran @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/

Has been disqualified and http://fishducky.blogspot.com/ will not be awarded a mention! Even though Fran's posts are also very entertaining and always good for several out loud gaffaws...PLEASE do not visit her site!!

I hope you have learned your lesson Fran @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/
*use of Google or other internet searches will disqualify any "Fake Headline" guesses!

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY EVERYBODY!!
And thank you all that have sacrificed and served to keep us free!