Cranky old man

SHAMING YOUR CHILDREN right or wrong?

2013-05-25T06:37:00.001-07:00

SHAMING YOUR CHILDREN

A Cranky Saturday opinion post

Opposing opinions are welcome, (wrong, but welcome), however, please…no name calling…that means you, you big stupid head!

There have been several stories in the news lately of parents who chose to teach their children a lesson by forcing them into embarrassing situations.

Several weeks ago, a girl who was caught stealing was forced by her parents to wear a sign saying “I am a thief.”

The latest story is of a mother who made her daughter wear thrift store clothes because she was teasing another student about the tacky clothes she wore.

http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2013/05/bully-forced-to-wear-heinous-clothes-by-mom-as-punishment-right/

Oh..so that's why my daughter got mad at me. Who knew they were heinous clothes?

I guess this is punishment for a 10 yo girl.

These make interesting stories. There is some kind of satisfaction in hearing of these brats getting a taste of old fashion medicine, kind of an eye for an eye thing, but is shaming your children an appropriate punishment?

The experts say no:

“Shaming can damage the parent-child relationship. Children quickly learn they cannot trust their parents. Children need to feel safe and secure and to be able to trust their parents. Without such safety and trust, children’s brains do not grow and organize optimally. That means children are at risk for thinking, acting and behaving in detrimental ways."

I’ve read this piece of wisdom several times and it seems to me you could just as well substitute spanking, grounding, taking away allowance, lecturing, time-out or withholding dinner for “Shaming.” The expert's opinion sounds like gobbledy-gook to me.

Still

I don’t think the sign holding thing would serve to adjust a child’s behavior. The shame of holding a sign and admitting to theft would only work if the child was in fact ashamed of stealing. If he was ashamed of stealing then any less conspicuous punishment would probably be a preferred method to adjust the behavior.

(If I could throw "optimally" and "detrimental" in there I could be an expert.)

Yet

The case of having the young daughter wear cheap tacky clothes as punishment for the bullying behavior of making fun of another girl’s wardrobe might just be very productive. Letting a bully get a taste of their own medicine, which she surely did get, strikes me as an effective way to make a point.

Experts of course disagree

“The National Association of School Psychologists says parents who discover their child has been bullying should take active steps to curb the behavior. NASP suggests explaining to the child why bullying is wrong, discussing alternatives to aggressive behavior by role playing, establishing rules regarding such behavior and reporting incidents to school officials.”

This sounds very professional and authoritative. If the parents were trained psychologists perhaps they could give role playing a shot. Certainly explaining why bullying is wrong and establishing rules regarding such behavior would solve the problem.

I believe the above advice should be the last resort.

I think the way to stop bullying behavior is to hug the aggressor. Love the mean right out of them.

When that doesn’t work, make them wear funny clothes to school and embarrass the hell out of them.

If that doesn’t work, try the expert's advise.

Try role playing. Take the role of the bully and beat the crap out of the child. Then explain why that was wrong. “Friggin hurts don’t it!” Establish rules regarding behavior, “Do it again and I’ll beat the crap out of you again.”

The preceding opinion was that of a cranky old man, and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

COMPUTERS…can’t live with em can’t live without em

2013-05-24T06:07:00.000-07:00

COMPUTERS…can’t live with em can’t live without em

I don’t know how I used to live without my PC. Maybe it was solitaire with actual cards, TV, or even reading, but I can no longer survive without it.

My first laptop worked great except for some reason the wireless function only worked at home. The frustration this caused when I visited my son or we went on a trip was unbearable, so I broke down and bought a new laptop.

The new laptop picked up a virus which turned off my virus protection.

I KNOW!!

I paid the Geek Squad to fix that issue and along with a few bucks, it cost me all my files. Fortunately my files were backed up, but bringing them back in a form I could work with was a royal pain. Six months later my computer would not open at all. It was another virus, even though I paid for Norton Antivirus.*

RT - DO NOT CLICK ON WEIRD WEBSITES THAT STALK YOUR BLOG!!

Anyway

I took the PC back to the Geek Squad and they removed the virus along with every file on my computer. This time I lost a bunch of unpublished posts, which I hate rewriting stuff because…hell that’s another post.

Anyway

I spent a day reloading my “new” PC with Microsoft Word, Norton Worthless, and all the files I did have backed up. When I tried to do some actual surfing on the “fixed” PC, it was ponderously slow. So slow that is was unusable.

I brought the PC back in to the Geek Squad and demonstrated its unusable slowness. The on-duty geek was confused. He finally decided it must be my browser as he has seen issues with IE 10. He changed my browser to Chrome and voilà! The machine was back up to speed.

Back home again, I took some getting used to the new browser (Change and I do not get along without a fight) and all was well with the world.

Until

I decided to play a little online poker to which I am addicted. It was like 1998 and a modem all over again. I lost 4 million fake dollars (still painful to an on-line addict) folding pocket aces and then timing out and getting thrown off the table when I was the big chip leader.

Suddenly, all my applications were slow again. For jollies I switched back to IE 10 and WTF, the PC was once again back up to speed. The next day it was crap again so I switched to Chrome. It was good for everything except the on-line poker. So…back to IE 10 and it works great again for all applications.

OMG, I have a female PC, and it must be the wrong time of the month. My backup PC works just fine, so it has to be masculine as I understand the monthly thing lines up with cohabiting females.

Anyway

What do I do now? Sometimes the PC works well. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes IE 10 is the cure, sometimes it only works with Chrome. You know that if I take the PC to the Geek Squad she will work just perfectly.

These lady PC’s don’t act up with those that understand them.

*Norton Antivirus did not pay for this mention…though I’m thinking they might just be that stupid and incompetent.

I Wrestled In High School...Part II: The Chest

2013-05-23T04:28:00.000-07:00

I Wrestled In High School, But I was Not A Wrestler

When we last left the Young High School Cranky, he was preparing to wrestle a 225 pound human chest. Emaciated from losing seven pounds in one day, young Cranky was waiting to get his ass beat.

If you missed part I, find it here:

http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2013/05/i-wrestled-in-high-school-but-i-was-not.html

Part II: The Chest

By the time my match was to begin, the varsity had finished with a win. They all gathered around the mat to watch me be destroyed by “The Chest.”

In the first period, I stayed away from “The Chest” and the second period started 0-0. “The Chest” was huge, but he was slow and not very skilled. In the second period I scored a point with an escape, and stalled as best I could the rest of the period…1-0.

In the third period my man escaped and tied the score 1-1. Then with less than a minute in the match I managed a takedown for 2 points and took the lead 3-1. In a desperate attempt to escape, “The Chest” made a beginners mistake and raised his inside arm. I leveraged his arm and had him almost on his back for a near pin making the score 5-1. With 20 seconds left, I could have stood up, giving “The Chest” one point and then stayed away until the horn blew giving me a huge upset win as everyone in the gym had expected me to be easily defeated.

Instead of standing up and taking the virtually guaranteed win, I tried for a pin. I had “The Chest” three quarters of the way on his back. The entire Varsity and Junior Varsity teams were chanting, “PIN, PIN, PIN!” I reacted to the chant by pressing further and further for the pin. As I attempted to force “The Chest” to his back, I slipped more and more over his giant thorax until my weight was suddenly too far over the mid-point of his body. With 8 seconds left in the match, “The Chest” simply rolled over and dragged my unbalanced body onto my back. The referees hand came down with a slap a second before the horn went off. I lost a sure win by getting greedy. I lost by a pin.

In three seconds I went from having my back slapped by my teammates for a great upset victory, to having my back slap on the mat for a loss.

Ten minutes later, weak from famine, exhausted from the match and dejected from the last second loss, I hit the shower. My head under the cold spray of water trying to cool off, “The Chest” came over hand extended and offered me congratulations, “Hey, great match, for a while there I almost thought I was going to lose!”

“Thought you were going to lose! Thought!! Are you kidding me! You were beat, all I had to do was stand up and the match was over. You lost except I got greedy and your only freaking move the whole fight was to roll over on that gigantic chest of yours!”

Actually I didn’t say that at all, I just shook his hand and said, “Thanks, good match.”

By the time I got home, I was over the lost match that I should have won. It would have taken days for a wrestler to get over such a loss.

I wrestled, I was never a wrestler.

I Wrestled In High School, But I was Not A Wrestler

2013-05-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

I Wrestled In High School, But I was Not A Wrestler

Part I: Making Weight

In high school, I wrestled. I was on the team, I wrestled, but I wasn’t a wrestler. I was on the team because the football coach was also the wrestling coach and he told me to be on the team. I hated wrestling, but it did give me some good stories.

See: “Bridge Tommy Bridge”

http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2013/01/bridge-tommy-bridge.html

Not great stories, but good ones, and here is another.

As I said, I wrestled but I was not a wrestler. Wrestlers are a different breed. They are Spartans. They live to train and work and sacrifice and win with all their heart and soul. I did most of those things, but my heart was never in it.

In my junior year I wrestled on the JV team, not Varsity. I weighed all of 174 pounds, but because we had a better 177 pound wrestler than I and we had no heavy weight, I often wrestled at the heavy weight class.

The day before one match, the coach came up to me and told me to lose seven pounds, “I want you to wrestle 167 varsity tomorrow, Earle Vigne is sick.”

I practiced that day with extra sweats to shed water and make weight. I worked extra after practice. At home I skipped dinner. Some water, a carrot and some celery was dinner. The next morning I had orange juice for breakfast and skipped lunch. Instead of a study hall, I hit the gym for an hour before we had to weigh in for that afternoons match. I sweated some more, and spit in a towel till I could spit no more. I weighed in at exactly 167 pounds. I lost seven pounds, mostly water, in one day! That kind of weight loss was not unusual in the sport. Some wrestlers did it for every match. I wrestled, I was not a wrestler.

I made weight, but I had no strength. Weak and wrestling for Varsity for the first time, I figured I would lose. My job was to not get pinned and thus save the team a couple of points.

Twenty minutes before the match the coach came up to me. “Vigne is feeling better; you’re back to JV…heavyweight."

Damn, I lost seven pounds, was weak as hell, and now I had to wrestle heavy weight!

When a match begins, each team marches in and takes a seat in the order of their weight class. You can look across the mat and see who your opponent is. My opponent was a brick. Six foot 225 to my five-ten 170. He was a tiny head, with two tree stump legs all attached to a chest…a giant barrel chest…the biggest chest I’d ever seen. The coach came down the line to my chair and with a big smile said, “See your man? Good luck!” He laughed and went back to the varsity bench.

Tomorrow Part II: The Chest

I KNOW

2013-05-21T04:40:00.000-07:00

I KNOW

Mrs. Cranky says “I know” a lot. It has many meanings all depending on the inflection of her voice, the emphasis on the “I” or the “know,” the stretching out of the “I” to “IIIYYY” or the “know” to “k n o w.” The phrase takes on different meanings based on eyebrow movement or head shaking.

When Mrs. Cranky says, “I know,” it might means:

I do know that, Yes I know, Of course I know, That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Stop telling me that, I don’t want to know, Everyone knows that, I know but you don’t, Duh, or who cares.

There are many words or phrases that carry multiple meanings based on inflections and or facial expressions. It is the inability to show inflections or facial expressions on today’s communication methods of Facebook, Twitter, email or texting that gets many people in trouble. Their words are often misinterpreted. The use of emoticons helps, but they are often annoying and still misinterpreted.

If we sometimes get in trouble because of the difficulty of expressing ourselves in the new communication media, just imagine the African Namibia tribe who speak with different clicking sounds, trying to tweet a message.

Click @Clack #clackclick “Click click clack tock”

Clack @Click “CLICK CLACK!”

Click @Clack “Click clickclickclick”

Clack @Click “CLACK TOCK!”

Click @Clack “Clack?”

Clack @Click “CLACK CLOK”

Click @Clack “Clickclickclick….CLACK!”

Clack @ Click “CLACK?”

Click @Clack “Clickclack!”

Clack @Click “Cluck Clu!”

I KNOW!!

HOMO SAPIEN –A REMARKABLE SPECIES - a cranky re-run

2013-05-20T05:31:00.001-07:00

HOMO SAPIEN –A REMARKABLE SPECIES
This re-run from May 2012

Sharks can smell a drop of blood from a mile away. Dogs can hear sounds that humans cannot. Many animals can see at night as if it were day. Bats can’t see at all yet they can navigate and catch insects with their built in radar.

Naturalists constantly point out these remarkable animal feats as if humans were inferior to these creatures. True, we cannot compete with the rest of the animal world in terms of strength, speed, sense of taste, smell, sight and hearing, but some homo sapiens do have talents which other creatures could never master.

Is there any other creature on God’s green earth that could tie an apron behind their back while speaking on a cell phone tucked under their chin? The Weaver bird is able to construct a complicated nest out of twigs and reeds. Could a Weaver bird take two sticks and a ball of yarn and make a sweater while watching “Toddlers in Tiaras?”

Last Saturday on a bus I witnessed a skill which I have seen before, but for the first time realized how remarkable this ability, common to many female Homo sapiens really was. As I watched, I could hear the voice of Oprah narrating from “Life” in my head.

“The fourteen year old female of the species is troubled by her hair which has grown beyond shoulder length. It gets in her eyes and face and irritates her. Without stopping her constant and incessant communication with a companion, she performs the most remarkable feat. Taking her hands and without looking, she reaches behind her back and she separates her locks into three segments. Incredibly, as our camera captures the action, she begins to weave the segments in and out into a locking pattern resulting in one long thick rope-like structure of hair which no longer bothers her eyes or face. The female does all this in a matter of seconds. This blind weaving skill is remarkable enough but to keep the weave from unfurling she takes a small elastic band and folds it back and around the end of the weave at a speed which only our time action camera can capture. Other Homo sapiens ignore this young female’s action as apparently it is a skill not uncommon to the species.”

Is there another creature on this planet that can change the style of their plumes without looking while simultaneously communicating with another of the same species?

OK, maybe a peacock, or a turkey, or a chameleon, or….still it is a remarkable skill.

STUPID HEADLINES 051913

2013-05-19T05:14:00.000-07:00

STUPID HEADLINES 051913

It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

Yeah, like that doesn't happen everyday in San Francisco

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments

Two headlines are completely made up…name the fakes and win a mention.

The One Smell Women Can’t Resist – Well it’s not followed by "pull my finger," that I can attest.

Flying car crashes in Canada – What a surprise…Hello, IT’S A CAR!!

Man jumps out of plane without a parachute and lives! – If he had waited until the plane took off, it might have been fatal.

Scientists study violent winds of Uranus – Hey, hey, come on, a little privacy here!

Japanese mayor draws ire for saying wartime sex slaves 'necessary' – And yet the Allies won the war without “Comfort Women” slaves.

Safari guide fired after video shows him charging at elephant – He should have paid cash.

New Hampshire city sues Robin Hood, Merry Men over feeding parking meters – Those turkey sandwiches were clogging the gears.

Ancient Mayan pyramid destroyed for road fill – Just imagine how nice a road the Taj Mahal would make.

Two bald eagles in air battle crash-land at airport – No wonder they are an endangered species.

Moms pay $1,000-a-day to hire disabled members to skip lines at Disney – One more reason why I hate Disneyworld! They have more friggin “Lil Rascals” than the “Our Gang Comedy’s!”

Venezuela to import 50M rolls of toilet paper after government claims it's wiped out – No comment needed. (I wish I did make this one up.)

New Hampshire fishing contest insists on lie-detector test for winner – What are the chances of a fisherman lying?

Oldest water on Earth found deep underground – Unfortunately, the date on the plastic bottle shows it expired 2 billion years ago.

Kosher Shrimp Co. Ferclempt Inc. third quarter comes up short, declares bankruptcy – Shrimp comes up short? Pleeze!

Portland police officer stops car chase to help duck – No comment, just watch the video, very cool:

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/portland-police-officer-stops-car-chase-help-duck-140849603.html

Dunkin Donuts sued for reverse discrimination – Apparently White Men can’t dunk.

Last week’s made up headlines were:

Mars probe finds can of coke zero – Clean up is estimated to cost 23 billion dollars.

Calif. Teen suspended for calling “Weak hitter, bring it in!” during Gym Softball game – Apparently strategy is now bullying!

Several people guessed the Mars probe, no one got the “Weak Hitter bullying” headline. Kind of a sad commentary that everyone would accept that as plausible…

Oh...the correct guessers of the Mars Probe were:

TexWisgirl @ http://run-a-roundranch.blogspot.com/

Fran @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/

Steven @ http://chubbychatterbox.com

Pearl @ http://pearl-whyyoulittle.blogspot.com/ guessed they were all true, but then Pearl talks to cats!

Benghazi, IRS, and AP Oh my!

2013-05-18T04:36:00.000-07:00

Benghazi, and IRS, and AP Oh my!

A Cranky Saturday Opinion

The following are the opinions of a cranky old man. Opposing opinions are welcome, but please…no name calling…that means you, you big stupid head!

Three “Gates” are in the news this week and Cranky has opinions.

Benghazi: It is not the crime, it is the cover up. This week we had whistle blowers, Senate hearings, and spin, spin, spin. The Democrats are angry. “What is done is done, forget it, it’s over, what is the difference what happened? The Republicans are just trying to use this whole terrible incident for political purposes!”

Yes, the Republicans are using the Benghazi screw-up for political reasons, just as every politician uses every incompetence of their rivals for their own political benefit.

What do we know about Benghazi?

Well we don’t know for sure, but it is pretty obvious:

1. The State Department did not adequately protect the Libyan Embassy, even when extra protection was requested. Incompetence? Yes. Politically motivated? Possibly, just about everything in government is flavored by politics. Mostly, failure to protect the Embassy was miscalculation and incompetence. There is lots of stuff going on in the State Department, mistakes are made. It is regrettable, still people need to be held accountable for these mistakes.

2. The administration was embarrassed by the Embassy attack because The President, in the closing months before the election, had claimed that he had Al Qaida and terrorism on the run. The administration deliberately sought to characterize the attack as a reaction to a five minute you tube video. They stuck with that story until it just would not hold water and then marginalized their error with Hilary losing her temper and screaming, “What difference does it make?”

That is it! Stop the Hearings; stop the inquisition, that is what happened. Let the American People decide if it makes any difference or not, but stop arguing over what every person who can read and decides to think, knows is the truth.

IRS: For several years the IRS has scrutinized any non-profit organization and their donors that smacked of conservative leanings. The nature of these organizations is such that they should be randomly challenged, as there is much room for them to cheat the system. The reason this has been fodder for scandal is that the IRS targeted only those organizations with conservative leanings. Liberal organizations, of which there are as many as conservative, and who have the same opportunity and incentive to cheat the system were “left” alone. That is just not “right.”

AP: The Justice Department secretly has obtained phone records of the Associated Press’ reporters. The records were not just targeted for a specific situation or case, but all records. The ability to use these records to go on fishing excersions and intimidate the press is obvious. It represents a power which the Constitution clearly did not want to grant to any government agency. Freedom of the press is what keeps government at least a little bit honest. It is perhaps the most important concept which keeps government abuse in check and guarantees our freedom.

Benghazi, IRS, AP…is our country doomed? Is this administration over the top? Is President Obama actively trying to bully the country to lead it down the path of Socialism and Dictatorship? Of course not, but these abuses are the canary in the mine. They should not be glossed over or buried. The slippery slope needs to be sanded, and some wrists need to be slapped…hard!

The preceding opinions are those of the Cranky Old Man, and not necessarily those of management…Mrs. Cranky.

BLOGGING FOR FUN

2013-05-17T05:03:00.000-07:00

BLOGGING FOR FUN

I will occasionally joke about blogging or writing for money. I actually only write because I enjoy writing. I don’t expect to ever make any money writing and I could care less if anyone ever buys my first book,

“Maybe It’s Just Me” (Which in retrospect I wish I titled “Perhaps it’s just I”) Which is available at Rosedog book store, or Amazon for $18.00 or $14 if on sale.

http://www.amazon.com/Maybe-Its-Just-Me-Reminiscences/dp/1434983250/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1299543905&sr=1-1

http://rosedogbooks-store.stores.yahoo.net/nsearch.html?query=joe%20hagy

It is fine if nobody buys my second book, “I Used to be Stupid” available at Rosedog book store or Amazon for $17, or available on Kindle or Nook for $9.99. I just do not expect or even care if I make any money on these endeavors, nor do I envision anyway of making money off this blog.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=joe+hagy

http://rosedogbooks-store.stores.yahoo.net/nsearch.html?query=joe%20hagy

I just like to write. Tonight, Mrs. Cranky went to Lowes Theater to see the movie “Oz” which she loves so much it is her second viewing. She grabbed a meal at Burger King, her favorite fast food restaurant, so I had to eat alone, while she was driving to the theater in our Toyota Four Runner which we just love. She probably had to fill it up as I think we were low on Exxon Gas which seems to burn clean and give us great mileage.

After a delicious meal of Hormel chili, I decided to work on this blog. I pulled out my reliable Samsung laptop, turned on my Visio TV which has an amazing sharp picture cause yeah; I can multi-task, and started writing. Even though I am a bit tired, one Five Hour Energy Drink and I am good to go.

Still, with all that energy, I just can’t find that much to write about so I think I’ll just take a hot shower with Ivory Soap which floats by the way, though not in the shower because we keep the shower drain clear with a monthly shot of Liquid Plumber. I’ll shampoo of course with some Pantene cause that keeps my hair soft and luxurious and my scalp nice and shiny. Then I’ll brush my teeth with Crest which keeps my teeth cavity free and my breath minty fresh and turn in for the night. I expect to sleep well because my Sealy Posturepedic is so comfortable.

Anyway, after I set the alarm on my I-phone (which I love) so I can get up in time for a breakfast of Aunt Jamima pancakes and Oscar Meyer bacon along with Eggland’s Best Eggs, I plan to sleep like a baby and dream I saw a movie star in her Maidenform Bra.

I know I could never sleep at all if I used this blog to make money whoring various products. I just enjoy writing and will never sell out.

Some compensation may or may not have been given in lieu of any favorable mention of certain products which I would only mention within the context of my post, and I would never endorse a product I did not use and believe in.

THE MGA part II

2013-05-16T04:45:00.000-07:00

TORQUE WRENCH…We don’t need no stinkin torque wrench

From "I Used TO Be Stupid"

When we last left the Cranky young man his precious MGA had a cracked engine head, normally a $500 fix.

see part I here http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-mga-part-i.html

Somehow Dad found a suitable Head in a local junk yard for $50. He bought an MGA manual for $15. Dad had virtually every tool possible to replace the head, and for two weeks my new job was as an automobile mechanic.

I did not know how to change the oil in a car. I had some trouble changing a tire, but with the proper tools and the MGA manual I became a mechanic.

With the hood (bonnet in the manual) removed for easy access to the engine, I began. I worked slow and steady. Every screw, nut, bolt, washer or rod was carefully removed and labeled. Every part was kept in a separate container, labeled and set aside in the exact order in which they were removed.

The valves and valve seats were pitted. Dad showed me how to grind them and reseat them with a special gritty mix and a valve spinning technique similar to starting a fire with two sticks. “This is how we used to do it.” He asserted.

It took two weeks to do a three day job, but I was careful and meticulous (not a natural trait which anyone who knows me will attest.) When at last I had it all put back together, the head was to be attached by tightening eight bolts slowly and in a very specific progression. The bolts ultimately needed to be tightened to exactly 50 pounds of torque.

I was now a bit over my own head, so I did nothing without checking with Dad. “What is torque, and how do I measure it? It seems pretty important.”

“Torque wrench” Dad said, “and we don’t have one.”

Once again I go to Wikipedia for an explanation:

A torque wrench is a tool used to precisely apply a specific torque to a fastener such as a nut or bolt. It is usually in the form of a socket wrench with special internal mechanisms. It was invented by Conrad Bahr in 1918 while working for the New York City Water Department. It was designed to prevent overtightening bolts on water main and steam pipe repairs underground.

A torque wrench is used where the tightness of screws and bolts is crucial. It allows the operator to measure the torque applied to the fastener so it can be matched to the specifications for a particular application. This permits proper tension and loading of all parts. A torque wrench measures torque as a proxy for bolt tension. The technique suffers from inaccuracy due to inconsistent or uncalibrated friction between the fastener and its mating hole. Measuring bolt tension (bolt stretch) is more accurate but often torque is the only practical means of measurement.

“Torque wrench is a little expensive” dad explained, “And not worth getting for this one-time use. What we used to do is just guestimate the pressure. Take a fifty pound dumb bell and use that as your guide to the amount of pressure to apply. These engines are more precise than when we used to do it that way, but you should get it good enough to get to the gas station and borrow a torque wrench to get it exact.”

The next day, I followed Dad’s advice. The head was attached at “approximately” 50 pounds torque. The engine fired up and it purred. I was off to the station, maybe ½ mile away. My father was right; the head was just fine for the trip to the gas station……which was closed on Sundays. This was a Sunday. Damn!

I should have left the car at the station, walked home and come back the next day to finish the job, but as you know by now….that’s right….stupid!

I drove back home and before I reached the driveway water started squirting out between the head and the engine block. It was a blown head gasket. SHIT!! Now what?

I followed Dad’s instructions (I may have been called several names first, Nimrod being the nicest). First I drained all the engine oil. Then I filled the oil and drained it again all in hope of getting all water out of the engine. I took the head apart once again as carefully and meticulously as before, replaced the head gasket and reattached the head.

This time I spent the $50 to purchase a torque wrench.

The MGA purred again, and that summer I was really cool again. I was also very proud of my mechanical prowess. I successfully followed instructions and took off the old head. I ground the valves and reseated them, and successfully installed the new head.

In the fall I went back to school. Chris took the MGA to Boston for his last year at Harvard Law. Before he got to school the MGA ceased!

The water from the blown gasket was not completely cleared, and this gummed up the oil, over time this messed up the bearings and the engine overheated and ceased. Repair was not possible and the MGA was sold for $50 junk!

Dad was furious and blamed me for not seeing and reacting to the “engine light”. Was I driving with the engine light lit? Maybe, I just don’t remember.

I think Dad was mostly angry because his MG dream was now at an end. I think he was just taking his disappointment from the Christmas 1955 “joke” out on me.

Joe?*

Yeah Dad.

It wasn’t your fault; I should have sprung for the torque wrench.

Thanks Dad!

And I was disappointed by that 1955 mini MG!

I know Dad

Well I still think it was funny.

It was Jim!

*Italics represent voices from heaven.

THE MGA -part I

2013-05-15T07:14:00.000-07:00

THE MGA -part I

Dad's dream

Inspired from Scott P's car show posts http://lowandslow01.blogspot.com/

From "I Used To Be Stupid!"

My Dad always wanted an MG. The MG (for you young people) was a classy British two seat sports car which was produced from the 1920’s until 1980. Dad never got his MG. The car was really too impractical for a man with three young boys.

Christmas of 1955 Mom went along with a cruel trick which Chris and Jim devised. They bought a kit of a small (six inch) model of the classic 1955 MG TF sports car. Hints were dropped that Dad was getting something special this Christmas. Christmas day there were presents under the tree for everyone but Dad (his real presents remained hidden).

When the Christmas present carnage was over everyone had a pile of stuff except Dad. He had only a card. Inside the card Mom had written, “You will find your present in the garage”. I know that Dad being a practical man did not really expect to be getting a car. I don’t think Mom could have possibly made such purchase without my father knowing. However, I think the little boy that was still in Dad somehow hoped for that Christmas Miracle that all little boy’s hope for.

We all proceeded to the garage, and Dad opened the door to find the model MG TF in the middle of the otherwise empty space. Jim gleefully screamed out, “oh no! It shrank!” Chris followed, “I knew we should have had it Sanforized!”

There was much laughing at the joke, and Dad took it well, but the disappointment in his eyes was perceivable. The joke became part of Hagy lore. It made Dad want his MG even more.

In 1962 I obtained my driver’s license. Of course I wanted a car of my own and I did have $200 to spend. $200 would not get you much of a car, but I was the beneficiary of Dad’s burning desire to own an MG.

We shopped for his classic MG TF, but they were all too expensive, and generally need some restoration. We did find a 1958 MGA.

The MGA was the first MG to go from the classic boxy design to a sleek roadster look. It cost $800, but Dad wanted this car as much as I did, and he covered the extra $600.

This MGA beauty was powder blue. It had genuine wide white sidewall tires on genuine wire spoke rims with racing style knock-off hubs. A Knock-off was a hub which you wacked with a special hammer, and it would spin off and on for quick racing style tire changes. The car had a leather soft top, and a leather tonneau cover to keep out the rain. It needed some work, but it was sweet!

You opened the door to the MGA by reaching inside the door and pulling a cord. The turn signal was a switch on the dash board. The radio for some unknown reason tuned from left to right starting with AM 1500 to AM 55. The car had hard plastic windows which slid into the door when they were not stored in the trunk. The trunk was just big enough to hold the two hard plastic windows.

Dad and a young Cranky in the MGA

Dad drove the car some, but he had trouble getting in and out of it so it became mostly my car. When I was in the MGA I was HOT!! Well I thought I was. I drove the car the summer of 1963, and until fall 1964. Freshmen at Lafayette could not have a car on campus.

In the spring after my freshman year in college, the MGA started to run badly. She sputtered and backfired and had little pickup. She had a cracked engine head. I do not pretend to know anything about engines either now or then, so I rely on Wikipedia to explain:

In an internal combustion engine, the cylinder head (often informally abbreviated to just head) sits above the cylinders on top of the cylinder block. It consists of a platform containing the poppet valves, spark plugs and usually part of the combustion chamber. In a flathead engine, the mechanical parts of the valve train are all contained within the block, and the head is essentially a flat plate of metal bolted to the top of the cylinder bank with a head gasket in between; this simplicity leads to ease of manufacture and repair, and accounts for the flathead engine's early success in production automobiles

A new MGA head and the installation was going to cost over $500.

Tomorrow part II -

Torque Wrench? I don't need no stinkin torque wrench!

I WAS A MILK SPILLER

2013-05-14T05:39:00.000-07:00

I WAS A MILK SPILLER

As a young boy I used to often think, “When am I going to stop spilling milk?” At least three times a week at dinner, I would reach for something and knock over my glass of milk.

I wasn’t a bed wetter, I was a milk spiller. I don’t know which would be worse. The bed wetter can’t really be blamed for his accident; he was asleep for crispy sake. The milk spiller is awake and just careless. The bed wetter does not get yelled at, or at least he shouldn’t get yelled at, the milk spiller is responsible for his mess.

Bed wetter’s are cleaned up and cuddled by mom. They are told it is all right, that you’ll grow out of it.

Milk spillers get yelled at.

“Watch what you’re doing! Damn, when are you going to learn there is a glass of milk between you and the butter dish?”

Milk spillers have to clean up their mess.

“Get some towels and clean up this mess!”

As I cleaned up the mess I wondered, “When am I ever going to stop milk spilling?”

I never spilled the milk on purpose. I tried not to spill it, but then suddenly I had a desperate need for some salt and reached for it without thinking and in slow motion I see my sleeve hit the glass, the milk spill out and I hear my dad yell out, “J O E…T h e m i l k !”

Or, I asked to be excused and pushed myself away from the table too hard and toppled the glass, or I tripped while clearing the table. It was mortifying. I was afraid to go out to eat, and I turned down invitations from friends to stay for dinner.

I wonder, was I the only one so inflicted? I finally grew out of the problem but not until the age of at least ten.

For a while I was afraid my milk spilling period would scar* me for life, fortunately it did not.

Of course I no longer drink milk with dinner, just an occasional sippy-cup of wine.

*Damn Microsoft I know I can’t spell, but when you tell me scar is wrong and suggest scare, then I try skar and you suggest scar…WTF!

ADJUSTING TO MARRIAGE - a cranky re-run

2013-05-13T08:01:00.000-07:00

ADJUSTING TO MARRIAGE

A re-run from May 2011

Mrs. Cranky and I married in December 2010. 12-11-10. Mrs. Cranky is a numbers nut. The resort where we honeymooned put a sash over our door saying “Honeymooners.” When we returned home we put the sash over our bedroom door. It has been there ever since. It may be coming down soon because it seems I cannot adjust.

I have no problem adjusting to married life. I am quite happy. Mrs. Cranky is unhappy because I cannot adjust.

When I cook a steak I let it rest so the juice does not run out. Mrs. Cranky wants her steak sizzling hot.

I cannot adjust.

When I drive her car from time to time because mine is blocked in, apparently I never get the seat back to the “Mrs. Cranky position.”

I cannot adjust.

When I shower and change the flow pattern on the shower head Mrs. Cranky claims I never return it to the “Mrs. Cranky spray position.”

I cannot adjust.

Mrs. Cranky complains that I shower with the door closed and this fogs up the mirrors. Recently Mrs. C called me into the bathroom to hand her something while she was showering. When I left, I did not close the door. Apparently this was a major faux pax as she was trying to steam wrinkles out of a dress.

I cannot adjust.

While getting my wrist slapped over this latest error, I threatened to remove the sash.

I am not allowed to drive her car. I am not allowed to change the shower head spray. Mrs. Cranky has to let the steak rest and if I see a dress hanging in the bathroom while she is in the shower, I have to “figure it the Hell out!”

We are both trying to adjust.

The sash is still on the door.

STUPID HEADLINES 051213

2013-05-12T04:57:00.000-07:00

STUPID HEADLINES 051213

It is time once again for:

STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY

That is one possability!

This week’s stupid headlines and my stupider sophomoric and sometimes offensive comments

This week two headlines are completely made up…name the fakes and win a mention.

Unlikely New York scribe handwrites Bible in 4 years – New Yorker is arrested for plagiarism!

Russian military again flies strategic bombers near Alaska – Planes turn back after Sarah Palin fires warning shotgun blast.

Munger: It's time to break up the banks – Banks: Who the frig is Munger?

William Ayers says Weather Underground, Boston bombings not same – The Weather Underground in an attempt to murder innocent people to protest the Viet Nam War killed three of their own members. I cannot top this quote by one of the intended victims, “The only difference between Bill Ayers and the Tsarnaev brothers is that [Ayers] was incompetent, apparently.”

Vegan students at Calif. high school accused of bullying agriculture students – Isn’t it always the vegans who are the bullies! Well, the flute players in band can also be pretty vicious.

California mother forced to pay spousal support to man who raped daughter – Ex-husband raped the child for 16 years and only did one year in prison after a plea bargain. He now is suing for alimony. Excuse me while I throw up…be back in about 15 minutes!

Mars probe finds can of coke zero – Clean up is estimated to cost 23 billion dollars.

Your heart attack bill: $3,300 in Arkansas, $92,000 in California – Survival rate from a heart attack: 5% in Arkansas, 75% is California.

Sen. Rob Portman Says, 'Yes,' He Smoked Pot – If not-smoking pot was a requirement for public office, we would have nothing but liars in charge of our government! Oh yeah…don’t even say it Scott P.

Calif. Teen suspended for calling “Weak hitter, bring it in!” during Gym Softball game – Apparently strategy is now bullying!

Air Force strips 17 officers of power to launch intercontinental nuclear missiles - Government’s sequestration inhibits our ability to accidently annihilate Planet Earth.

Blacks outvote whites in 2012, the first time on record - Whites are demanding voting levers be dropped to shoulder level eliminating the need to jump

Florida restaurant sells lion meat tacos – Discovery channel renames its popular crab fishing show to “Second Deadliest Catch.”

Irish Baby Names 10 Best Girls and Boys Irish Baby Names – Who is this Irish baby? Number 1 on the list…“Waa O‘Gaga.”

Smoke forces evacuation of White House press room – President Obama apologizes for the inconvenience, “Oops, sorry Dudes, one more drag and I’ll be right with you.”

HAPPY MOTHER’s DAY ALL YOU MOMS AND MUMS!!

TWELVE YEAR OLD's VIDEO GOES VIRAL

2013-05-11T07:04:00.000-07:00

TWELVE YEAR OLD's VIDEO GOES VIRAL

This is a Cranky Saturday Opinion post

Opposing opinions are welcome, but please, no name calling…that goes for you, you big stupid head!

A video of a 12 year old boy questioning a Las Vegas police officer for illegal parking has gone viral. This young man spotted a police motorcycle parked on the sidewalk and waited video-phone on hand to confront the officer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELbTa8tGV5Y

The young man is polite enough, so is the officer. The officer does not answer the boy’s accusation, nor does he confront him. He pretty much ignores him and you can tell he is a bit miffed as the boy demands to see his badge number.

Did this video go viral because people enjoy seeing a cop getting his comeuppance from a 12 year old, or because they are disturbed by the boy’s lack of respect? I suspect it is the former. Personally I am bothered by this boy’s lack of respect for a police officer.

I would liked to have seen the officer just fess up and tell the boy,

“I guess you are right, I am parked illegally, however as a public servant who has the right to a coffee or soda break, I had a choice to make. I could have driven around the block and looked for a legal space to park, and then maybe walk several hundred yards back and forth to get my soda, or I could park here on the sidewalk for two minutes. I chose to not waste tax payer money driving around and walking. I felt it would be best for me to get my refreshment quickly. What would people think if there was a police action, and I had to run several hundred yards to my motorcycle while a perpetrator escaped? That is why I made the decision to park illegally even though there was no emergency. In my job I have to always be prepared for an emergency.”

If the young man still wanted to see his badge number, he should have shown it to him and then politely left. The officer did none of this. I think being blindsided by a 12 year old, he wasn’t prepared, but he also didn’t overreact, and he did use restraint in the face of a precocious, obnoxious, annoying little brat.

Way to go you little brat and kudos also to your parents who have guided you into your precocious, little brat, holier than thou persona. If you had been really lucky, you might have caught this officer having a bad day and maybe you could have provoked him into behavior which on video and the internet could have gotten him fired. Wouldn’t that be great! Because he probably doesn’t have any children or a wife who worry every day that he might not come home.

Yeah kid, that happens. Cops get shot and die. Cops get in accidents chasing criminals and they die. Cops don't always come home. They accept that, their family accepts that, it is the nature of the job. But that doesn't mean they should get any special respect does it? If they block the sidewalk, report them, cause you're better than a cop aren't you kid?

I am guessing from the way this lad spoke he comes from an upper class family. How does your dad make his money little dude? Is he a banker? Is he a salesman? Is he a politician? Is anyone videoing him while he screws people out of their hard earned money so he can take his precocious little brat son on vacation to Vegas?

I know I’ll sleep a lot better knowing that some poor cop, while trying to earn a living risking his life for me and others, got told off for a minor offense by a 12 year old brat.

The video I’d really like to see go viral would be this kid's dad grabbing him by the scruff of the neck and telling him to shut his pie hole, apologize to the officer, and then take away his $500 i-phone.

So I’ll just say it.

“Shut your pie hole you little shit and show some respect!”

The preceding has been the opinion of a cranky old man, and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

THE CEO IS NEVER WRONG

2013-05-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

THE CEO IS NEVER WRONG

Years ago, when I was pushing paper for a large Wall Street brokerage firm, one of my departments responsibilities was to report certain trading statistics to upper management and ultimately to the CEO. One statistic which management was particularly interested in was the percentage of transactions on the New York Stock Exchange which were executed by our firm.

The percentage we reported daily claimed our firm executed around five percent of the total shares transacted on the NYSE. Every time we had a new Manager above our department level this statistic was challenged. (You are welcome to skip down to the meat of this post, as the following explanation will be a bit boring.) Every new manager would ask the same question, “If the transactions on the NYSE were 100 million shares, and we executed 10 million shares, why do you report that we execute five percent of the NYSE transactions instead of ten percent?” (Boring right!) The answer (bear with me here) is the NYSE reports a transaction, which is both sides of a trade, buy and sell, we count executions, total of our buys and total of our sells. Therefore our executions to NYSE transactions must be divided in two to make apples equal apples, not oranges (there, done, just know that our reported statistic was correct.)

Once explained, Management generally mulled it over for a bit and then agreed.

One day, I noticed an article in the Wall Street Journal in which our CEO was responding to several questions. It was really kind of a puff piece for our firm. Our CEO in the way of bragging about how large our firm was, used a statistic that our firm was responsible for over ten percent of all transactions executed on the NYSE.

I immediately showed this to my manager who then called his manager to explain that our CEO was reporting a statistic that was two times higher than the actual correct number. The Manager chose to not tell the CEO of this error, instead, apparently the naked CEO was in fact wearing clothes and we were advised that from now on we should report the trading statistic incorrectly times two.

No one ever noticed or challenged the error, so I guess it really was not very important. Anyway, several years later our firm got caught in the Mortgage Backed Securities mess which brought on our current recession and we nearly went out of business. In order to save money my position was dropped and I became retired. The firm was bought out because we were too big to fail, and our CEO also retired.

I was retired with fifty weeks’ severance, the CEO retired with a golden parachute of over one-hundred and fifty million dollars.

I would like to take the time to now say to our lauded CEO, “Thanks a lot for putting instant profit ahead of long term growth and driving what was the greatest firm on the street for almost one-hundred years out of business…you dumb frigging ass!! Oh and you got that statistic wrong by times two!!"

I’m pretty sure he doesn’t really care.

MRS. CRANKY’s SHOPPING LIST CONTEST

2013-05-09T05:14:00.000-07:00

MRS. CRANKY’s SHOPPING LIST CONTEST…and the winner is:

Having lost STUPID HEADLINE SUNDAY’s post due to a computer hic cup this past Sunday, Cranky Old Man held a contest.

See http://joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com/2013/05/mrs-crankys-shopping-list.html

First, the answers to items on Mrs. Cranky’s list (you figure out the order, I still don’t know. I’m just going by what Mrs. C tells me.)

Carnation Instant Breakfast/ Strawberries/ Celery/ Tomatoes/ Apples/ Rye bread with seeds/ Fettuccini/ Confectionary sugar/ Dark coffee – coupon/ Soup/ Lima beans/ Potato rolls for Hamburgers/ Tissues the big rectangular box/ Travel toothpaste/ Allergy sinus/ Eggs/ Orange juice

I KNOW!!

The winners who correctly answered the most items are:

From the non-blogger category:

Maryanne M. Who correctly identified 8 items including unbelievably “potato rolls for hamburgers!”

Honorable mention goes to Elaine D. for answering 7 items correctly

Maryanne will be receiving (and quickly deleting) her pdf file copy of “I Used to be Stupid” shortly.

Elaine D. if she chooses to accept will also receive a copy as Maryanne is Mrs. C’s sister and I feel she had an unfair advantage.

From the blogger category:

Eccentricess@ http://eccentricess.blogspot.com/ with six correct answers.

Honorable mentions also go to the funniest guesses:

Eccentricesss – Arsenic

Marty K – Bum wads

Scott of Flight Plan @ http://lowandslow01.blogspot.com/ - "cannabis", "strappy potting soil", "tums flavored asparagus", "french connection”, "shaving cream", "condom soup", "lima tampons", and "a single ehmi OJ".

Fishducky @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/ - potatoes, conference swine, soup, limas, something you're supposed to tame & Ah Sin--wasn't he the cook on Bonanza?

Val @ http://unbaggingthecats.blogspot.com/ - I see Strampy Call tamales, POTA news House Bill my sales, Fettuccini, Confectioner’s sugar curls, Paul Coffee soup, Tissues for bathroom and living room, Triage tablespoons, American singles, Oh, and apparently Mrs. C is going to Lima.

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL YOU WINNERS

And Mrs. Cranky would like to add, “Confimr dognut femmr flm!”

SPIN CITY

2013-05-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

SPIN CITY

The Governor of my great state of New Jersey is a fat man. He is a very fat man. He just turned 50. He has been despised by many because as Governor he has had the audacity to tell people that they cannot have stuff that they cannot pay for.

He has reduced taxes and cut spending. Many say he has done that to make the rich richer and because he hates teachers and poor people. It is so easy to marginalize people by name calling and so Chris Christie has been called a bully, a blowhard and especially he has been called FAT.

I don’t know if Governor Christie’s policies have been correct or fair, but I do know these are not policies designed to win elections and so I do not question his motives.

The Governor is a straight talker and so people do not like him for that. Everyone complains about politicians and their double talk, but when someone comes along and says what he means, acts on what he says and defends both actions and speech unashamedly he is a bully. He is a FAT bully.

Some people think our Governor wants to be President. They think this because he has done a good job as Governor and people seem to like him despite the fact that he is a BIG FAT bully and doesn’t believe in double talk. He also has not denied he wants to be President. When asked, he claims he hasn’t thought about it, he has a job and it is number one on his mind. In political talk that means yes. In Christie talk it also might mean yes, but I suspect it means “maybe.”

Recently our big FAT Governor underwent a lap band surgery operation in order to lose weight. He entered the hospital in secret to have this surgery. The media seems to think this is evil,

“Governor goes for SECRET surgery!”

It kinda isn’t really a secret when he announces it a week later. It is not as if he was hiding it, he just was postponing the feeding frenzy we call the media until after he recovered from the procedure.

The next major headline has been,

“Did Governor Christie have surgery to enhance his bid for the Presidency?”

Well, I’m pretty sure they are right on that one. I understand that Governor Christie met with his advisors about his future, and was told, “Well Governor in our experience almost no one gets elected to any office if they ARE DEAD!”

And thus Chris Christie’s operation was obviously just a cheap trick to live and become the next President of the United States.

What a BIG FAT bully!

HAVING STUFF - A Cranky re-run

2013-05-08T07:08:00.000-07:00

HAVING STUFF

A re-run from May 2011

Having stuff does not make you happy. Not having stuff that other people have makes you unhappy. The more people that have stuff that you do not have, the unhappier you will be.

When I was a kid we didn’t have a lot of stuff. We didn’t have a color TV; we had no air conditioning, and we didn’t have a computer, laptop or otherwise. We didn’t have an i-pad, an i-pod, or Netflix. We did not have a CD player; we did not have a DVD player; hell, we didn’t even have a VCR, and yet we were happy. Why? Because no one else had any of this stuff either.

Our car (not plural) had roll-up windows and no air conditioning. It had brakes that had to be stomped on to stop and steering which took a two-hundred pound man to parallel park (note to Microsoft Word- parallel is not the name of a park and does not need to be capitalized). The clock was analog and did not work. The radio was AM only. Still, we were happy. Why? Because no one had a car with power windows or air conditioning; clocks were all analog and never worked in a car, no one had FM radio in the car, and power brakes and steering were still not invented.

We had one telephone. It was all black, it had a rotary dial, there was no call waiting, no caller ID and calls outside of your area code (wait, there was no area code either) calls outside your county were long distance and cost more. Cell phones were a Dick Tracy wrist radio pipe dream. GPS was Dad with a map. Even so we were happy. Why? Because one phone was enough, call waiting is annoying, you could hang up when you lost the nerve to ask a girl out and she would not know it was you, and we didn’t know anyone outside the county. Cell phones tie you down. Dad with a map was as good as any GPS and he never had to recalculate.

One July, in the mid-fifties, the Newmans, our neighbors to the left, got a window unit air conditioner for their den (family room today for you young people), and we were unhappy. Then my Dad got central air for our entire house, and the Newmans were unhappy. The Tullys, our neighbors to our right, got a blue princess touchtone phone for their kitchen. We were unhappy. Dad got a new princess phone, and a color TV. The Tullys were unhappy.

The Tullys countered with a power lawn mower, the Newmans got a car with power windows, brakes and steering. Dad got a new stereo and the neighbors' “high fidelity” systems were to be pitied.

Thus the battle of stuff goes on. No one is any happier for all the new stuff; everyone is actually less happy until they catch up in the battle of the stuff.

If there is any value at all in becoming a cranky old man, it is stuff becomes less and less important. You have some new stuff that I don’t? Cool, look at me I’m still above ground! You can watch any movie on a portable device at the touch of a button? What will they think of next? Hey, look at me; I’m fucking breathing! You can download any song in seconds and store thousands of them in a cigarette sized box. Wonderful. I can whistle any song I want for free! Your car has a sun roof, backup camera, i-pod deck, hands free cell speaker system, satellite radio and a drop down TV in the back for the kids? That’s fantastic, watch this: I can still get out of bed in the morning!

I don’t really need any more stuff. I am very happy with the stuff I have. The stuff I have is way more than any stuff I grew up with, and as far as I know, the Newmans or the Tullys don’t have any of this stuff.

T R A D I T I O N…TRADITION!

2013-05-07T06:09:00.000-07:00

T R A D I T I O N…TRADITION!

My family always had a traditional Birthday Cake…ANGEL FOOD CAKE with STRAWBERRY ICING. Growing up I never knew another birthday cake. We didn’t even call it angel food cake with strawberry icing; we just called it birthday cake. Apparently some people find this combination to be strange for any occasion. I’ve never met anyone outside of my family who eats cake prepared this way.

The tradition goes back to Grandma Hagy and possibly further. Research has told me the angel food cake was first popular in this country in the late 1800’s so it is possible our tradition started one generation beyond my Grandmother.

I’m not sure if this birthday cake tradition will survive. I think my sons have given it up. Matt’s wife does chocolate, Mike doesn’t bake and Spencer’s mom always fought the tradition.

My mom learned the cake from my father’s mom. She passed the cake preparation down to all her daughters-in-law. The cake part apparently is easy, especially with modern cake mixes. It is the icing that is difficult. The technique must be taught and practiced to master.

My both my SIL’s still do the “cake” and so do most of their children so perhaps the tradition will survive. I know my daughter still makes the traditional family birthday cake because she taught Mrs. Cranky how to make the strawberry icing. That is what initiated this post. Mrs. Cranky on her forth try has mastered the traditional cake.

She only makes it for me, but she respects the tradition, and I appreciate it. On her first try the icing was liquid. The next year the icing was still too loose. Last year the cake was ok and the icing was almost right, but it was not strawberry enough. This year she nailed it!

The traditional Hagy Birthday Cake, Angel Food Cake with Strawberry Icing was made to perfection!

Somewhere in heaven a bunch of Hagys are smiling!

PHONE-A-FRIEND

2013-05-06T06:40:00.001-07:00

PHONE-A-FRIEND

I used to like the TV quiz show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” until they changed the format. The old format gave a contestant who didn’t know an answer the opportunity to “Phone-a-friend” to get help. I always said my phone-a-friend would be my friend “Frog.”

Frog (named as he once wore glasses reminiscent of “Froggy” in the “Little Rascal Comedies”) is my friend all the way back to high school, and he is an expert in everything, especially history where he has a Doctorate (almost) in American History. I guess I should call him Doctor Frog. Anyway, the only problem with Dr. Frog as my phone-a-friend is his tendency to ramble on with facts not requested. I have a recurring nightmare where I am a contestant on the old format of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.”

“OK Cranky, you are down to your final question worth ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Ready?

“I’m ready Regis.”

“Here it is…”

What is the name of the Master Sergeant in the Civil War who before the battle of Squeak Falls said, “Five minutes till hell boys, smok’em if you gott’em.”

A. Fast Freddie James

B. Martin Kurtika

C. John Hammond

D. Gilbert Shill

“That is a tough one Regis; I’d like to ask a friend. I’d like to call Dr. Frog.”

“OK sure, we'll call Doctor…Frog? Does he know history?”

“If he doesn’t know the answer, the answer doesn’t exist!”

“All right then we’re calling Doctor Frog…Hello is this Doctor Frog?”

“Ah…yup.”

“This is Regis of the Millionaire Show. We have a friend of yours, a Mister Cranky, he is going for ONE MILLION DOLLARS and he needs your help.”

“OK, sure…go ahead.”

“You have one minute. Here is the question”:

What is the name of the Master Sergeant in the Civil War who before the battle of Squeak Falls said, “Five minutes till hell boys, smok’em if you gott’em.”

A. Fast Freddie James

B. Martin Kurtika

C. John Hammond

D. Gilbert Shill

“That is an easy one Regis; it just happens that in 1974 I wrote a thesis on that very person.”

“Forty-five seconds.”

“Yes; the battle of Squeak Falls was very important.”

“Thirty seconds.”

“If the South won that battle, they would secure their supply lines for…”

“Twenty seconds Doctor Frog,”

“As I was saying, they would secure very important supply lines for their march toward…”

“Ten seconds.”

“Ten seconds?”

“Five now.”

“OK then, the answer is…”

“Oh, I’m sorry, time is up. We had to hang up on Doctor Frog. Do you have a guess Mr. Cranky?”

“Yes Regis, I’m going to guess that I will have to friggin kill Doctor Frog!!”

I always wake up in a cold sweat.

Actually, I was once the phone-a-friend for Frog.

Frog had an argument with his then girl friend, now wife Hillary. At 2 AM one morning I received a call from Frog,

“Jowles*, I need you to settle an argument. I’m here with Hillary…”

“Hi Hillary, glad to finally meet you.”

“Never mind that, here is the question. When Superman changes into his Superman outfit where does he put his civilian clothes?”

“That’s easy; he has a pocket in his cape!”

“THANK YOU!.…I told you so Hill! Gotta go Jowles, thanks!”

And THAT, Doctor Frog, is how a phone-a-friend answers a question!

*Old knickname…long story.

MRS. CRANKY'S SHOPPING LIST

2013-05-05T05:43:00.000-07:00

MRS. CRANKY'S SHOPPING LIST

Due to a computer issue beyond my control, there will be no STUPID HEADLINES post this week.

Last weeks fake headline was:

Ford recalls first Model T’s produced in 1908 – Apparently a design flaw causes a running board malfunction after 105 years.

Readers to correctly catch the fake were:

Val @ http://unbaggingthecats.blogspot.com/
Fishducky @ http://fishducky.blogspot.com/
Kellie @ http://delightfullyludicrous.blogspot.com/ and
Katrina @ http://www.theyallcallmemom.com/

Check out these ladies blogs because in addition to being able to spot BS, they all have very entertaining posts!

Now in lieu of STUPID HEADLINES, this week a contest based on:

MRS. CRANKY'S SHOPPING LIST

Mrs. C's handwritting is not particularly neat. She also writes in some sort of short hand of her own invention. Occasionally I am asked to do a quick supermarket stop on my own. Mrs. Cranky hands me a list and then goes over each item so I know what I am reading.

Sometimes, even with this list I am lost and have to call in to the boss to ask what it is I am supposed to purchase. I get the same responce everytime this happens,

"Didn't I go over this with you? What does the list say?"

"I don't know, that is why I'm calling. The first item looks like 'Clam Insurance...the brown Clam Insurance!'"

"That is Carnation Instant Breakfast! Do you even listen? It's right there for you to read!"

OK, she did go over the list, but she did so while I was watching "Leave it to Beaver" so my mind may have wandered. But I ask you dear readers, how many items on this list can you figure out?

The person who can correctly name the most items will win a copy of my book "I Used To Be Stupid" via an e-mail of a PDF file, or a great big WHOOP-DE-DO shout out. Whichever you prefer.

E-mail your answers to jphag13@yahoo.com subject "Contest."

Answers and the winner will be posted on Thursday.

Mrs. Cranky offers this as a hint, "The list of items are in the same order as they appear in the store."

That is no help to me; she claims it will help real shoppers.

GOOD LUCK!!

FRICKIN FRACKIN

2013-05-04T04:57:00.002-07:00

FRICKIN FRACKIN

A Cranky Opinion Saturday post

Whenever there is new technology we lose something. Spencer Tracy says in my favorite movie “Inherit The Wind,” “We can conquer the skies, but the birds will lose their majesty, and the clouds will smell of gasoline.”

We rely on gasoline and are on the verge of possible self-sufficiency in gasoline production thanks to a new drilling technology…Fracking.

What do we lose with this new technology?

Many experts say it is not safe. Other experts say it is perfectly safe if done correctly. Who is right?

The experts who say it is not safe are generally working for environmentalists. Environmentalists think anything new is a threat to the world as we know it. They would like to see the elimination of the use of all fossil fuels. Environmentalists fear destruction of the planet if any life form goes extinct, or if the worlds temperature rises three degrees. They fear nuclear power, they fear carbon dioxide; they fear everything. So should we believe the environmentalist’s experts?

The experts who claim Fracking is safe generally work for the oil companies. They may have some incentive to prove this technique is safe.

Environmentalists say Fracking, which powers water and nasty chemicals into the ground to break up shale and allow oil and gas to be extracted (something like that) is dangerous. Hmmm doesn’t sound very safe to me. They claim this process will poison our water supply and even cause earthquakes. Sounds like a reasonable fear to me.

The oil companies say don’t worry, the process is perfectly safe. I guess they have much to lose if the process isn’t safe. They could be sued for billions and billions of dollars. It must be a safe process. Except oil companies are smart, they might have shell companies responsible for the drilling and they could avoid many law suits. The process might be safe if done right…sometimes oil companies don’t do everything right.

What to do, what to do?

Listen to environmentalists and all progress will grind to a halt.

Listen to the oil company experts and chance that the environmentalists are correct?

There is so much money to be made, this Fracking scares me. So here is my opinion on this Cranky Opinion Saturday post:

I have no opinion*.

Fracking is currently allowed in many areas; perhaps we should limit the process to areas where it is already active. Monitor it, regulate it, and make sure we can hold the big oil companies responsible for any accidents. Do not give up on a process that could keep us in oil until a better method of generating power is developed, but proceed slowly and cautiously until we prove the process is as safe as some experts claim.

The preceding has been the non-opinion of a Cranky Old Man and not necessarily that of management…Mrs. Cranky.

*I know, but I really liked the title!

“THE BUCCANEER,” A DINING EXPERIENCE

2013-05-03T06:01:00.000-07:00

“THE BUCCANEER,” A DINING EXPERIENCE

The Cranky’s are back from Aruba “One Happy Island.” Four days of sun, water, relaxation, slot machines and three nights of great dining.

“Three?” you ask, when you were away for four days?

“Yes,” three nights of great dining, and one night at “The Buccaneer.”

“The Buccaneer” was recommended by a relative. It looked great on the internet, and the prices seemed reasonable. Each table is surrounded by a huge and spectacular aquarium filled with the ocean life typical to Aruba including a large Leatherback Turtle. We made reservations for 8:00, grabbed a cab and were prepared for some fine dining and delightful ambience.

http://www.buccaneeraruba.com/

The outside of the restaurant resembled a big pirate ship. My first thought was if the food sucks, have a gimmick. The inside of the restaurant was just as schlocky (sorry Lo, my Yiddish is not so good) complete with pirate like goblets and the general level of grime that you would expect on a real pirate ship.

After being seated for about ten minutes, we were finally greeted by a grunt and two menus tossed in our direction. Fifteen minutes later (the restaurant was far from packed) and our waiter took our orders. The waiter at least was friendly. We then waited for our entre to arrive…and waited…and waited.

During this wait we were treated to our own personal aquarium which was nothing like the picture offered on the internet. It was a small aquarium with about ten different tropical fish including one which was trapped between the glass and a plastic filter*. Watching fish for a few minutes gets a bit boring. Watching one fish slowly dying while struggling to get free from being entrapped was not appetizing.

When the entrees finally showed up, they were not worth the wait. Mrs. C’s shrimp looked odd, and except for some off-green broccoli the rest of the food on the plate was a mystery. My NY sirloin (I could not order fish with their kin swimming right by me) was NY fat and gristle covered with canned mushrooms and a disturbingly dark thick gooey gravy. Apparently at this establishment medium rare meant kill it and serve it.

We both suffered through this glop they called food while some really bad music from the seventies played, and a dying fish struggled.

All during dinner Mrs. C and I could only picture the kitchen as right out of Gordon Ramsey’s “Kitchen Nightmare” TV show.

“Come on…this is RAW! You can’t serve this, you’ll KILL someone. Stop everything; we are shutting this kitchen DOWN!!”

When we were done, we asked for a check, lied to the waiter that everything was fine and prepared to leave. When the check was signed and we stood up, the piped in music turned to Bobby Goldsboro’s “Honey,” possibly the sappiest and worst music hit of the seventies.

“She was always young at heart

Kinda dumb and kinda smart and I loved her so

And I surprised her with a puppy

Kept me up all Christmas Eve two years ago”

As Bobby began to warble “And Honey I miss you…” we both turned to each other and simultaneously commented, “Perfect!”

*In fairness, another dining room had the large aquarium that was displayed on the internet, but only three tables had a direct view of this tank.

THE WORST DRIVERS EVER

2013-05-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

THE WORST DRIVERS EVER

Mrs. Cranky does most of the driving in our relationship. Mrs. Cranky is one-half Italian. When Mrs. Cranky is behind the wheel, she becomes one-hundred percent Italian. She is full of attitude. She goes from a mild mannered, meek, and non-confrontational sweet lady to Tony Soprano. When Mrs. Cranky is behind the wheel everyone is an asshole. When the other driver is behind the wheel of a BMW, Mrs. Cranky is always right.

What makes every driver of every BMW think he is king of the friggin road?

Is it because they can afford a $35,000+ car? I don’t think so, as there are plenty of more expensive car on the road with non-asshole drivers behind their expensive wheels.

Is it because BMW’s are just sooo powerful and maneuverable that they naturally bring out the NASCAR racer from the owners? I’ve seen faster cars driven slower.

When a car roars by me at 20 mph over the speed limit it is always a BMW. When a car weaves in and out of traffic on the turnpike, it is always a BMW. When a car cuts you off, won’t let you merge, tailgates, or refuses to hit its dimmer at night it is always a BMW.

A BMW owner does not own a BMW, he owns a “BEEMER.” That makes him a Pompous Asshole!

Got a lot of money, but not enough to buy a real luxury car? Buy a BEEMER. Got a lot of money, but not enough to buy a real high performance car? Buy a BEEMER. Got a BEEMER and need get the attention of the rest of the world? Drive like an asshole.

“Damn that car is fast; damn you can cut people off on a dime. What kind of car is that; a BMW?”

I’m impressed!

“ASSHOLE!!”*

*BMW owners who are readers of “Cranky Old Man” are naturally exempt from the above opinion.