Feltern's Zombie Removal

November Update.

2013-11-17T21:35:00.002-08:00

I am sure many of you have been wondering what I have been upto. The answer is simple: A lot.

Halloween was crazy for me, I can't honestly believe how many goddamn zombies were out, I actually had to go home and pick up more ammunition twice because I just didn't bring enough. What really got me was just how many zombies were carrying bags of candy. Don't get me wrong, I love candy so I am definitely not going to complain, I just don't understand where it all came from.
It took me over a week to clean all the blood off my gear, so naturally when I went to a party in my honour I had to leave my armor at home. Thankfully I did not have any issues with the zombie sympathizers.

On another note: I am awesome.

Social media

2013-07-11T03:52:00.001-07:00

Because it's the way of the future, I am using more and more social media. I have a Facebook page that many of you have already seen:
https://m.facebook.com/?_rdr#!/profile.php?id=143010979043095&__user=1674678915
And I am now using twitter. Ignore the previous posts, it's about to get interesting. Follow me @Feltern
Stay tuned for more updates, aswell as something very special I am working on.

Getting into the business.

2013-07-09T10:14:00.002-07:00

Recently I have been getting some questions from people (specifically you Austin Zed Slayer) about getting into the business of zombie extermination. The best advice I can give you is to stay away from this sort of thing, it is extremely dangerous and likely to turn you into another pain in the ass. If you are still interested in this job after hearing just how dangerous it is, the next thing I can say is going to have to be DON'T DO IT!!!
Now, I know some of you are going to be stubborn and do it anyway, so I have a list of things you will need to know if you have any intention of surviving your first days.
1) Do not, and I repeat DO NOT undercut me on any jobs. I will kill you myself, and nobody will have a clue, because your body will never be found.
2) Get off your ass and exercise. I know everyone says this, but it is extremely important, start some sort of martial art, you will be healthier and more agile.
3) Arm yourself. Pick a few weapons that will not slow you down, learn to use them, learn to maintain them, and become an expert. Make sure to carry at least one mele weapon because they don't run out of bullets.
4) Remember that you will get bitten at some point! If you don't want to become a zombie, you might want to invest in some armor.
5) RESPECT LAW ENFORCEMENT! I cannot stress this enough! Don't piss off the cops and they won't shit on your parade. Best way not to piss off the police? Adhere to local laws, it's really that simple.
6) Education! Research as much as possible, learn how to keep fluids out of your face and learn as much as possible about any and all dangers related to your specific area, and any varieties of zombies you are likely to encounter.
7) Don't tell all of your secrets to people. Save some for yourself if you want to be anything but a corpse.

For everyone reading this, I am not suggesting that you go anywhere near zombies, in fact I would prefer you would completely avoid them. I want to emphasize that if you want to get into this business, I assume no liability from anything you have seen, or imagined seeing anywhere on this blog.

Good luck to anyone crazy enough to get involved, just remember not to get bitten and not to go anywhere near and of my jobs.

My phone is on silent for a reason

2013-06-25T23:44:00.001-07:00

Tonight I was in one of the local chain convenience stores waiting in line minding my own business, when a zombie strolls in like he owns the place. A lady in line says "someone call Feltern!", so the guy working behind the desk calls me, my phone starts vibrating... poker face time... this fucking zombie just tries to bite the cashier and I roundhouse it right in the face! Needless to say I paid for my shit and left. Stop bugging me on my days off!

Me doing something nice. Don't get used to it...

2013-04-12T02:19:00.002-07:00

A friend of mine (yes, some people are actually worthy of my company) has decided to do something good, in fact it's so good that I am sharing it, and even donating to the cause. My friend Chris is going to do the local ride to conquer cancer. Chris is a good guy and needs as much support as possible. I am even going to donate to his cause. Support him by either liking the page, donating to the cause, or both.
This proves that I am not a total asshole, I just hate most people/things.

This is the facebook page
Chris Milligan's Ride to conquer cancer facebook page

Here is the actual page for the ride. This is where you can donate money.
the main page for Chris's fundraising

Make sure you actually donate to this cause, I know I will.

HO HO HO(h dear god)

2012-12-23T00:42:00.001-08:00

Here is the official Christmas photo of me for your viewing pleasure. I was working while this was taken (Don't ask questions) therefore I cannot show my surroundings. All I can say is something is dead(er). WARNING: the following photo might not be suitable for all viewers

P.S. You're welcome

Ok... Seriously,,,

2012-11-24T02:42:00.000-08:00

To be honest, I do love when you call me for actual issues... Tonight was my day off. Day off means leave me the hell alone. Day off meansI am likely drinking heavily, and not wanting to deal with goddamn sasquatch sightings on Granville. If you see something on my day off, either pay me lots of money or fuck off. On a somewhat positive note, I did manage to prevent a possible date rape on a sweet, innocent Korean Exchange student (who for some reason had no idea who I am). I hope you have learned your lesson, make sure everyone knows who I am, and make sure I do not need to do a fake Irish accent to get rid of creepy drunk guys. I am waiting for my $1500...

Zombie Sympathizers

2012-11-21T16:53:00.002-08:00

Because I have been complaining about them for a while, I figured I would give you a bit of info about those zombie sympathizers. Vancouver has a large group of PC morons who seem to think we should all feel sorry for these "poor" zombies. This is completely ridiculous! No matter how much damage is done by zombies or how many I am called to get rid of, we are expected to feel bad for them. Makes no sense to anyone with common sense.... The worst part about these idiotic zombie sympathizers? I mean aside from hiring hitmen to try and kill me... Their idiot leader Mr. Sharp. This narcisistic moron even has a facebook page... http://www.facebook.com/pages/Mr-Sharp/291780484189519 Pathetic! We need to put an end to these idiotic zombie sympathizer groups, and we need to do it soon!

No longer TOP SECRET

2012-11-09T01:48:00.001-08:00

Sorry about the lack of updates as of late, I have had a couple things I have been working on... Specifically the Zombie Sympathizers have been at it again... I haven't heard from their leader Mr. Sharp lately, but I can only assume he is still around. Turns out the price that they have on my head has increased, so much so that there have been some interesting types after me. Now I am going to interrupt your thoughts and remind everyone that this is a very bad idea, unless of course you have a death wish. Back on topic, there have been 2 ninjas following me. Everyone knows how difficult it is to tell when there are ninjas about, that is for most normal people... Not that I am normal.
Now what has happened to me is a couple days ago, one of them attacked me as I was getting into my car. Bad idea! He punched me in the chest about a dozen times, when I got him by the throat. My iron grip around his throat, I jammed my 7 Inch fighting knife into his skull. He will never be seen again (not that many people saw him in the first place)
Later that day, the other ninja showed up, he surrendered himself apologizing to me. I let him explain that Mr. Sharp and the zombie sympathizers had hired the two of them, so I decided that today I would let him live. He will have my name scarred in his chest for the rest of his life, and he even thanked me for my generosity. Feltern 2, Ninjas 0

This is a reminder to Mr. Sharp and his merry band of assholes who sympathize with zombies: Don't get in my way, and I might just let you live.
Also to the second ninja: You are welcome for the awesome scar, it will look extremely badass when it finally heals, feel free to tell people about how I let you live.

Success

2012-10-28T01:01:00.000-07:00

I look at tonight as a success, I killed 11 zombies (3 oopses were people dressed as zombies, but they don't count)
Thankfully I got to listen to this song several times, and that made my night that much better
Gary Numan - The Fall
You are welcome for the overload on awesome

Halloween

2012-10-27T17:37:00.001-07:00

Halloween is a scary time of the year for me. Why do you ask? Because instead of the usual zombies and zombie sympathizers I need to worry about, now I have regular people dressed as zombies I need to worry about. To be honest with everyone, I hate the zombies and the zombie sympathizers, but I have nothing against regular people dressing up. Just remember that if you are at a party, or planning on going to a party not to dress as a zombie or zombie sympathizer. I would much rather not kill someone who is just trying to have a good time.

My Secret Lair

2012-09-26T22:30:00.003-07:00

Here is a rare once in a lifetime glimpse at my secret lair. I had to hide my friend's face to protect her identity. I can't have those asshole zombie sympathizers forcing her to lead them back.
Enjoy everyone, and yes jealousy is acceptable.

Yes, I did have a professional photographer aswell. His name is "Atratus" He is a man of integrity, good luck getting the location from him.

Interview with the press. Read the interview here

2012-09-25T13:49:00.001-07:00

As many of you know, I recently had an interview with the press. Here is my interview with Cameron Hansen (name changed and newspaper with-held)
I did add a bit of info at the end just to clarify things for you, but this is the interview.

Cameron Hansen: Today I am finally getting to interview Vancouver's favourite zombie hunter (or least favourite, depending on who you are.) You all know him as Feltern the zombie removal specialist. Now Feltern, we have a lot of questions for you today. Let me get started with something we all want to know: Why zombie removal? Do you actually remove anything?

Feltern: Now that's a funny story Cam, I do not normally "remove" anything from the site, I leave that upto the client. I simply went with the term "Zombie Removal" because it sounds a lot better than "Zombie Hunter" or "Zombie Killer". This is all about marketing, in order to target the customer better, (pardon the pun) you need to make yourself seem more likeable

Cameron Hansen: Thank you Feltern, now it seems you are aware of your reputation as being a little "difficult" to get along with?

Feltern: (Laughs) Yes, I know I am not exactly well liked, I get criticized for it on a regular basis. What those criticizing me don't seem to understand is that I just don't give a sh#t

Cameron Hansen: Well what do you do to try to change that negative image you have?

Feltern: I shoot them in the face.

Cameron Hansen: (At this point I am not sure if he is joking or not, as I can't see any expression from behind his gas mask) Moving on! How did you get started fighting zombies?

Feltern: Well Cam, that is a funny story, I guess it all started that day back in 2009, I love my job because no where else do I get to wear something this awesome, and look half this awesome.

Cameron Hansen: You didn't answer my question.

Feltern: And I am not going to.

Cameron Hansen: Fair enough. Well to date, how many zombies have you re-killed?

Feltern: I like that, Re-Killed. I am stealing that from you Cam. To answer you I have killed "Officially" something along the lines of 300, but that is not including any of my "Discretionary" type of work. To be honest, I have dealt with or re-killed well over 1000. What can I say? I am awesome.

Cameron Hansen: Thank you for that Feltern, my source over at The Zombie World News has told me that you were contracted out to clean up a farm and way over-charged? Is that true?

Feltern: Yes, I remember that farm, that was earlier this year... To be completely honest I actually did him a favor.

Cameron Hansen: What do you mean that you did him a favor?

Feltern: Well I did quote him 4 days at $10K per day. The place was completely overrun. I busted my ass and cleaned up in 2 days, I even put my safety on the line to get it done that quickly. Hell, I got bitten 3 f##king times on that job. Cam, I will let you speak when I am done, do not ever try and interrupt me again. Now as a matter of fact I still saved him money by charging 3 days instead of the 4 I quoted him. I can do it that way if I want.

Cameron Hansen: I am confused, you said you were bitten 3 times?

Feltern: Yeah, of course. I have been bitten dozens of times. I have even been shot a few times too, but we won't go there...

Cameron Hansen: Wait? You have been bitten and shot?

Feltern: Well, this is a very dangerous job, don't even bother saying what you are about to say, I know you are about to ask how I am alive. The answer is simple, I wear armor. Say what you want, but I am not going to get into specifics because my recent antics have made me a target for the zombie sympathizers.

Cameron Hansen: Zombie sympathizers?

Feltern: Yeah, the group of morons you constantly see protesting all over the place whining about zombie rights "Waaaaaaaah! zombies were people too... waaaaaah...." You get the picture.

Cameron Hansen: How do you normally deal with the sympathizers?

Feltern: My lawyer told me not to talk about it....

Cameron Hansen: Fair enough. Are you going to let me see your face?

Feltern: Get out. This interview is over.

Cameron Hansen: Thank you for your time, but this is my office.

There you have it, my interview with the famous Feltern. He is a very interesting fellow, and I do hope to be able to interview him again once I get out of the hospital. The lesson I have learned is that he has a very quick temper. I have 4 broken ribs from correcting him about his office being mine. At Feltern's request I apologize.

Now to my loyal fans: Don't worry, he will live. I very much enjoyed this interview and am glad you get to read it.- Feltern

Interview with the press

2012-09-17T13:20:00.001-07:00

great news, I had an interview with a local newspaper today. check back to read it

Autographs

2012-08-30T15:40:00.004-07:00

There have been some recent questions about autographs: Let me give you the low-down.
     I will give autographs on any the following conditions:
1: You have to ask politely
2: You have to be one of my supporters (Eg. Donors to my war)
3: You have to be awesome
4: You have to answer correctly a question I ask you about my page
5: You have to be willing to recieve a roundhouse kick to the face if I feel like doing that
6: You are an awesome celebrity (like Chuck Norris or someone equivalent)
7: You have to provide me with something to write with and/or on (unless of course you want me carving my name into your flesh)

     I will not give autographs on the following conditions:
1: You are a zombie (you will also be "removed" from this plane of existance)
2: You are an asshole (or if I decide you are an asshole at that very moment)
3: You are Mr. Sharp
4: You are a zombie sympathizer or Mr. Sharp sympathizer
5: You have just woken me up
6: You look like you are from the cast of jersey shore
7: You refuse to let me kick you in the face
8: You disagree that Whiskey is awesome

     I hope that this has made your life easier, it has certainly made my refusal to provide an explanation that much better for me. If you have any questions, ask them via comment and if you are lucky you will recieve some sort of answer via however the hell I feel like replying.
     That is all, and don't forget to support my war on Zombies.

Zombie Walk

2012-08-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

      As many of you know, today (August 18 2012) was the annual zombie walk. This is essentially my least favourite day of the year. Why you might ask? Simple: I get paid to get rid of zombies. I can't stand them in fact I hate them so much that I went down to the zombie walk for free!
     If you have been checking my blog recently, you will see that since I was hung over, I went under cover. I hadn't even arrived yet and had already killed 3 zombies.
     I arrived at the art gallery in Vancouver to find the place over run, so I waited on the sidelines (you can see from the following 2 photos)

The walk started, so naturally I followed. The first block I killed only 2 (I did not want any extra attention) By this point, already at 5 kills for the day, I say a bus load of tourists getting attacked, I "resolved the situation" for them, and continued walking (Pic below)

I killed another few (I think 7, but don't quote me on that) when I saw this guy. Not sure if he was a zombie or just high, so I "Took care of him" anyway. You can't be too careful.

I came across this one eating a hand, and removed his head.

I then dealt with these two quite nicely, they made a little bit of a mess tho

I arrived at the park to find this soldier who had already turned, I dealt with this situation when this asshole with the baseball bat took the credit (I am not actually that upset... amd he won't be talking to anyone ever again)

I found a crawler trying to bite ankles, so I dealt with him (190lbs of me jumbing onto a zombie skull off a sign post causes a lot of damage )

I was then getting ready to go home when all of the sudden "Holy Shit! It's Snow Fu*king White" too bad she was already a zombie. I did not have any weapons left, so I punched this one's skull into many pieces.

After killing 20 (or so) zombies, I decided to go home. I am now sitting here in my underwear icing my poor knuckles. It was a good day :)

If you see yourself and do not want your face shown, comment on the photo and you will be removed.

ZombieWalk

2012-08-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

Today is the day of the zombie walk in my city. I am very hung over today, and nobody is paying me to be there. Aside from a few die-hard fans and a lot of zombies, nobody is going to miss me today if I skip out.
The joke is on them. I will be there under cover, check back later for photos from today.

Melee Weapons

2012-08-15T16:46:00.002-07:00

"But Feltern, what do you use if you run out of bullets/get swarmed" is a very common question I keep hearing. Lucky for you today I will answer it.
For close combat, I have a few weapons I like to use, I will not tell you all of them (this is a business afterall and I would be pretty crazy to tell you all my secrets) but the three I have added here should give you an idea of what is going on.
First I have what I refer to as my "Shovel from hell". It is a 12lb steel shovel that is essentially part battle axe, and part spear. This might not sound heavy, but I doubt many of you could swing it more than a few times. This item is extremely effective for decapitating (if you look closely at the sides of the head, you might notice they are sharpened) aswell as crushing skulls. I am quite happy with it, and I had it specially made for myself.

Next is my hatchet. Hatchets are kind of standard zombie removal weapons, but what most people do not know is just how dangerous they are. Not only are they dangerous for the dead, using one without the proper training could be extremely dangerous for the living. The problem with hatchets is that they take a bit to remove a head, and are likely to get stuck in a skull.

Finally I have my trusty "Hunting" knife (actually it was designed for the millitary as a fighting knife). It is a fixed blade with a full tang (as in the blade and handle are made of the same piece of steel) the blade is extremely sharp, as I like to keep it that way. Not to mention the blade is 7 inches long. Now I am not suggesting this as an effective zombie killing tool, as with the hatchet the blade could get stuck in the skull. The knife is mostly for cutting and slashing, but will handle being jammed into a skull if needed.

Enjoy the photos/info, but remember not to try this at home.

Vroom Vroom

2012-07-04T21:05:00.000-07:00

Great News! The Official Feltern's Zombie Removal Mobile (or you can just call it "The Feltern Mobile") is ready ro go. I do still need to install some upgrades, but it is fast and has a big trunk. Awesome.

And of course I have to show off the interrior, tho it is not yet complete.

F***ING WASPS

2012-07-04T19:20:00.000-07:00

Last week I got a call to remove some zombies from a property in a community
I arrived expecting to see the 4 zombies I was told about. There were no zombies, only wasps.

FOR THE LAST TIME I DO NOT DEAL WITH WASPS. I deal with zombies and the odd gnome. Do not start expecting me to get rid of your general pests. I charge 10X as much and only after the fact.

At least there are photos this time.

That's right, I used a cane and a gun to kill wasps. Problem?

Let's just say that the property owner will not be calling me again. She was very unhappy with me for charging her extra, maybe she should have been honest with me first.

The North

2012-06-18T20:38:00.001-07:00

Well, as some of you might already know that I have been asked to clear out a small town of their zombie problem. As I happen to value my customer's discretion, I have not taken any photos (To protect this small community's privacy.) So for all my loyal fans, here is an artist's depiction of me killing zombies in this small northern community.
Enjoy

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!

2012-06-01T20:22:00.000-07:00

This has been a difficult few weeks for me. First we have some guy eating another guy's face in the US, next we have this Zombie walk coming to Vanvouver. I am not impressed.
I work my ass off, but I have standards. On one hand, I want to be paid, and the other hand: a shit ton of Zombies. I will have to attend, this is very upsetting to me, but I guess I have to do what I have to do...
Don't bother looking for me there tho, there's a good chance I will be undercover (Got into some trouble a while back because of my "Antics" and would rather not have any more issues)
So on that note, here is the link: http://www.facebook.com/events/268230029856866/
I am not impressed, but there is work that needs to be done. Maybe I get to try out my new "Toy"
(Stay tuned for photos of my new toy)

2012-05-01T14:17:00.002-07:00

Also, I elected myself camp president. This is what it would look like if you were here with me.

You're welcome un-nameable camp

Camp

2012-05-01T14:01:00.002-07:00

As some of you may already know... I have been in a work camp for the last while. Now because my client has remained anonymous, I have to make sure that I do not specify certain details: For example, it is a work camp; this could mean mining, forestry, etc. I will also not say where I am; I am somewhere far from Vancouver, but still in North America.
The reason I am writing this, is that I have no clue why I am up here (tho the money is very good) There are no zombies, no gnomes, and I haven't heard from that asshole Mr. Sharp for a while now. Basically all I have been doing while up here, is sitting on my ass, eating, and going to the gym (Can't lose my physique)
I have just recieved a new task for the rest of the week. Some asshole stole a drawer. I haven't a clue why anyone would bother stealing a drawer, but I guess if it's not bolted down...
Keep checking back for more, I won't be here forever.

Suggestions for you if you see me

2012-04-28T11:40:00.001-07:00

Recently I've had a lot of questions from people, the two that are at the top of my head right now are: "Feltern, what drink should I buy you if I see you at a bar?" and oddly enough: "Feltern, what do you like to eat on your food?"

Now I don't exactly know why people want to know what I like on my food, but for god's sake I get paid to "get rid of" zombies... That being said, I am more than willing to answer both questions

If you see me at a bar, here is a list of drinks to buy for me:
Whiskey
Scotch on the rocks (I prefer when you make it a double and hold the ice)
Bourbon
Whiskey
Whiskey and Whiskey
Whiskey and Cola
Rye
Beer
Beer and a shot of Whiskey
A shot of Whiskey and a Beer
Grapefruit Juice
Whiskey and Grapefruit juice
Margaritas

Disclaimer: If you try and drug me, I will be forced to pull both of your arms off and beat you senseless with them. You might wake up in a dumpster (I'm talking to you Mr. Sharp)

As far as things I like on my food, I would much prefer putting them onto the food myself, but here goes:
Whiskey
Hot Sauce
Jalapeno Peppers
BBQ sauce
Cayenne Pepper

I hope that helps you make choices, stay tuned for more updates