Seven Days Life

Can Someone find LOVE?

2015-01-07T19:27:00.001+05:30

To,
Dear K,
I did not sleep last night. It's almost 4 am now, and I'm lying here alone again, my body is so tired, but my mind isn't and it's killing me, I keep replaying our favorite memories over and over again... Till I break...
Then I pick up the pieces on my own and try to fix myself. But it's never the same, It's never going to be the same... I'm never going to be the same...!

November 2008
I went away for a bit and wasn't sure exactly when I would return. We tried to stay in touch but you slowly faded away from me. I figured you found someone else to talk to. Someone who could be there for you because I couldn't and because I couldn't trust myself to love you again, after the last message that you sent to me on my phone. I was ok with it because I want you to finally be happy and I heard that you were, so I was content.
I tried to get back into the "finding a love" for myself but I couldn't "find" myself to be attracted to any other girl because I was always comparing them to Miss K. You became the gold standard, the absolute shining example, the golden pearl of what I want. Nothing more and nothing less than what you were. It was then that I became conscious of how much I truly love you Miss K. and wouldn't want anything else but you again..

I want you to be happy, and I understand that your life no longer includes me. What I don't understand is how it's possible to just stop loving someone, just like that...

I’ve felt heartbreak and I know what it feels like to want someone who doesn’t want you. It isn’t easy. I’ve also been in a relationship with someone I never really had in common with. I think that’s why I appreciate this relationship so much – I feel lucky. Lucky to have someone with whom I share both interests and attraction. I’ve fallen in love with you 7 years back and I hope and plan to keep it this way, although I know that someday I’ll fall out of your love badly..!

But...I love you K. And as painful as it is, if it came down to it, I think I've accepted the loss. More than wanting you, I want you to be happy because that's what love is suppose to be, right?
"If Miss K. is happy with someone else then so be it. But I don't think it will stop me from loving you, does it?"
Love, Amit

"It's just that now, I am so happy, and so free from what it was that made me need someone, and I am so thankful I met you. Not because you were the segway to me meeting the love of my life, but because you showed me that love can change from a fast wet car, to unremitting thankfulness. If I hadn't have met you, I would have destroyed my youth. I would have never known what it was to feel truly alive, and truly young. I am so thankful for all the moments we shared that got us through things nobody but ourselves will understand. I guess part of me yearns for that reciprocity, but above all, your forgiveness… Maybe this silence, and this old love and new life each of us has, is enough. I think this instance is when love becomes a sense of closure only hind-sight can give us; affirming that sometimes when two people who were once lovers, can smile because they realize meeting each other and then moving on, were equally the best things that could have happened to one another."

I have learned to listen to my heart. I have learned that if you never make room for better things and better ways to be, if you never clear out the things in your life that stand in the way of your happiness, then you are not aligning your universe to allow for amazing things. In this life, you don’t find yourself. You create yourself. And the same goes for love: you don’t find love, you create a road for love to travel and wait for it to come. -Miss K.

I am scared

2014-10-04T09:30:00.001+05:30

Dear K, I have always loved you, and you know that.

Ever since I was sixteen years old, when we laid under the trees, learning and growing in love.

I have tried to let you go and find someone that moves me more than you, but no one can beat the way you make me feel. Being around you lifts me up - not only do I feel sixteen again, but you make me feel like I couldn’t be anyone better but the person I am when I am with you.

You live there, and I live here, which is why it has never worked.

I would have followed you always, and you knew that, but... I am scared.

I’m scared of how much I love you, I am scared that you are the person I am in love with, I am scared you don’t love me as much as I love you, I am scared you are going to hurt me again and again, and I am scared of what it means to be trying with you.

I wish we could go back under the trees when we were teenage kids, I wish life wasn’t complicated, I wish we could fall into sweet, all-consuming love and I wouldn’t be scared of the past six years and how much you can move me.

You are heaven - I see my whole life with you.

But are you simply a fantasy? Maybe that’s why I am scared.

I won't ever go again

2014-06-10T21:03:00.001+05:30

Reading my own blog, only one thing that captures me is your face. It reminds me how we were together back then, those stories in our unspoken words were magical and something which can't be described; can only be felt in heart and soul.

Many of my friends appreciates what I'm doing because they think I have a good flair of writing that touches their hearts but the truth is that they don't know how I feel, how I'm coping up to overcome your thoughts in my memory. Those thoughts that continuously haunting me every time I met similar objects, places, words, expressions and emotions that relates to you in some or the other way. Its like when people don't know what's going on, they speculate; when they think they know it, they simply fabricate it & when they do know they just hate... I simply hate the fact that I know it very well, and the worst part I have walk away with a fabricated smile for their speculation.

You know it's sad how people claim that they love you, care about you, and yet they replace you so quickly and move to someone else just because they didn't mean it forever. Love is ache, a world that which is filled with a single rose and million thorns.

I came across a similar kind of story of my friend who use to love someone so deeply that she can't go an hour without thinking and talking about him, so much that she just wanted to live forever with that boy, they were perfect together, like they were made for each other... Years passed and she moved to new place far away from his memories with her family, made new friends and started to settle down with the change but it didn't took time and their distances killed their relationship. And sooner they got separated and she never went back to him.
...Perhaps they took a right decision or may be not, who knows the right answer? She never told anything about him after that and that's how story ended. If you are wondering what? who? Where? When? And How? Answer to these questions is that it's my own story, she-he is I-her and rest of things are not much of relevance so you can ignore it anyhow.

Ahhh.. So, I don't have a flair of anything and if is something, it is surely a bad experience of love...
"I probably won't ever go again. That's how bad it's gotten. Not unless something changes"
_unknown

YOU ARE SIMPLY YOU, “ MY UNFORGETTABLE FRIEND, A MAN OF WISDOM”

2014-02-02T21:34:00.001+05:30

I was walking by the bay..along the seashore..under the hot summer sunny Sunday…..

And as I looked back…

There was a vivid ray of sunlight directly shining upon me…then I have come to realized, it had been three years…three long years since that day I’ve met this guy who meant so much to me…

Social networking sites are rampant nowadays, wherein people around the globe meet different kind of people, in race and in attitude. They differ in culture, differ in Religion, differ in beliefs and differ in many aspects of life. Humans are humans, individual differences there is; but still, they have something in common, the mind that thinks, the body that responds, the soul that moves emotion and most, and foremost, the heart that loves. And, we only have One Mighty God who truly protects and loves.

Everybody seeks a friend who could turn a gloomy day into a real happy moment. A friend who will always be ready to share life’s experiences, strengths and hopes . One who gives guidance, offers wisdom and understanding and one who cares for you through the good times and a constant light through the bad. The bond of Friendship is everlasting. It is the most valuable gift men could ever have. It completes our desire to love and be loved…to understand and be understood. It is that closeness that makes us feel connected….It’s like magic…turning a fantasy into a reality….miles away becomes so near….Filipinos, Indians, Americans, Chinese and many other race become one….in Friendship….in Love.

It all started in a simple ,“Hi”….”Hello”…”How are you?”…”Take care”…”Sweet Dreams”….. unending words of care, undefinable words which show longinglyness and compassion. Everyday seemed to be so perfect. I can see the sun smiling down on me…The blue sky keeps on moving as I watched the different clowns dancing and it looks like different forms were painted to make me happy.

That was when I met you…..

There isn’t any day that you failed to send me a message of hope and encouragement. You have shown your innermost insights and feelings in your own special ways. There maybe times when, strong wind and thunder, heavy rains and storms come to test our friendship but even then, like in life, we treated those as light burdens. Our relationship could simply be compared to a roller-coaster ride, it has its ups and downs. Sometimes we fear, we feel pain and trouble but we never complained. We believed that our relationship can last a lifetime.

When my life was going too fast, off the train tracks, you made a way to slow it down so you can be right where I was. You have taught me many things; Great Sense of Responsibility, Self-Respect, Self-Endurance, Honesty, Brilliance, Hope, Patience and Most, LOVE,for both Men and God...

And as I looked back at everything we’ve shared, where we have been, through thick and thin, whenever we share both joys of ecstatic feeling of intimacy over dramatically intense feeling of grief and despair brought about by physical absence, I have learned what it meant to stand the test of time, and this lesson is invaluable. In this life, I would always loved to thank God for our lasting friendship.

No matter how much time had passed, when we interact, when we talk, we pick up right where we left off. And this is greatly amazing!

I have watched you changed through the years…. You’ve grown physically, you’ve greatly developed your inner thought and talents and strongly built confidence within you. You’ve come to accept the things and somehow, uprooted the racial and religious prejudice which evolved in our relationship, and this, I am gratefully overwhelmed of what you have become. "You are a Great Friend who in one package; a Trusted Friend, a Dreamer, a Gifted Writer and a Poet in one. You are a Man of wisdom"!

BY-

Jenny :)

The Darkness inside

2013-11-29T19:23:00.001+05:30

...Leaving the trails that portrayed me like this..!!!
As the curtains fall it showed the real me, which was something i never thought i would be.
I was on the wrong side and was standing with bunch of Hypocrites who were expecting something unexpected from me.
I remembered the time when it seems like all was "perfect", i was doing good for everyone. But then I met the reality.....

I need you this summer

2013-11-03T07:18:00.000+05:30

…Sometimes, I wish for change. Sometimes I wish that men would be nicer and that women could make up their minds about what they want once in a-while. Sometimes I wish that she will come back to me and love me again. Most times I don’t. Wish for that, I mean. Because I know now that I miss something that no longer exists. Something that disappeared a few years back and that probably won’t find it’s way back anytime soon. Other people have started to notice too. Asked me about it. Come to me with their questions hoping that I have answers. Most time I don’t. She is gone, lost. I saw her the other day and her smile was broken. Not literally speaking of course, she doesn’t get into fights or anything, she’s not like that. At least she wasn’t before. It was her smile that gave her away. The smile that I had studied for a year and knew by heart had changed into a grim smile. Suddenly it starting calling out for help.

And that was when I knew. I am going to help her. Because she is the one. She is my soulmate. She is my everything. And I owe it to her. I owe it to us… ”It is better to have tried and failed than to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I actually got through to her and helped her find his way back. To me. To her. To life. To us.”
.

.
(5 years back..)

I spent one year out of my life with you. Just one. Just one measly year out of 21 years of my existence and the impact you left still keeps me wondering about you from time to time. I met you at a strange time in my life. I was still talking to another girl who had completely and utterly destroyed my heart and I was trying to win her back and move on from her, all at the same time. My heart was a mess but you never found that out about me and maybe that's why you meant so much to me, because in you, I found a girl who was completely new.. Right then, right in that moment- I knew that I could fall so dangerously hard for you, but I also knew that it was impossible- that you were basically just a figment of my imagination from here on out, and that for once in my life, I could be a boy whom both you and I had never met. You made me smile so big, you gave me butterflies, and you had real manners. You told me about your life; about how much you hated liars, how grey it always was and how much you loved being over here. You told me about your little brother and his craze for GTA vice city. You told me about your mom and dad and what they did for a living. You told me about being yelled at every time you see a cat while in kitchen. You told me about my own city, you knew more about this beautiful place than I had known, I felt like the tourist. I had so much fun with you, I laughed and i blushed and I felt so important to you. I learned that you laugh lil’ weird but very cute “ha ha ha…” instead of saying thanks, that you love to have rajasthani cuisine and you hated rice, that your choice of having a 5 star chocolate instead of dairymilk chocolates matches perfectly with me. I was just genuinely captivated by everything you were.

I never saw you after that. You moved to a real world, clear across the world from me. We kept in touch for a bit, but eventually your contact became less and less until you faded away. I can only assume by now you have met another boy to captivate for the life. But thank you. Thank you for that one year. Thank you for holding doors open for me, thank you for paying for my mobile recharges, thank you for making me happy even for a moment.

I always wonder why life sends you these people who steal your heart in an instant, only to let them disappear shortly after. I always wonder what these fleeting people in life are supposed to mean to you. I wonder how it's possible to meet someone and feel so at home with them when you can't even name their favorite color. I don't quite know the answer, but I do know this: at a time when I was completely broken, you showed me what it was to feel again and for that I will never forget you. You have forever captivated me in one year in a way that it would take some, years to do. People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime and you'll never know which someone is bound to be and even more, you don't have a choice in deciding. You were a reason, but god, how I would have loved to spend a lifetime with you.

.
.
.
.

(Today...)

I want to see you this summer, I just don’t know if you want to see me again, I believe that what we had was something special, I know it seem silly and that I am a dreamer. I want to believe that you are my love and I want you to be my love.

I wish I could talk to you about it, face to face but today I don’t know if I have to courage to tell you.

I want to be with you.

“I had a dream the other night about how we only get one life, woke me up right after two… stayed awake and stared at your photographs. So I wouldn't lose my mind, if we only die once I wanna die with, if we only live once I wanna live with you…”

“A” Missing you Miss. “K.S” (AKS)

My best kept secret

2013-05-21T17:34:00.000+05:30

My therapist said I should write you a letter. Free hand, she said. Just keep writing and writing. But if I did this with a pen my arm would give out much faster than my fingers would typing on a computer. So I went for the 21st century version of writing a letter. I feel almost angry writing this, knowing you’ll never read it. I know you’ll never read it because I’ll never have the guts to give it to you. There’s no point. It’d be like reading a letter from a stranger. Because that’s what we are. What we’ve become. “Strangers”. I don’t even know how either of us would react were we to pass one another on the street. Would we smile? Light up with joy? Or be shy and coy? Would we ignore one another, or pretend like we hadn’t seen each other and quickly glance the other way? Would it be awkward or extraordinary? My therapist knows a few things about me. Where I go to college, my relationship with my parents, what I want to be, my addictions. And last week she learned another thing about me. I am a hopeless romantic. I am a 21 year old boy holding onto the relationship I had when I was a 16 year old because I’ve yet to find another relationship as fulfilling since ours. As I was explaining our story to her I could hear and feel how pathetic I sounded. How delusional. Am I hitting stalker potential? Is it you I miss or the feelings that relationship gave me? I know how crazy I sound. “Let go” everyone I’ve ever told our story to says, “you need to learn to let go”. But how does one go about doing that? It’s been five years since I’ve seen you. Six since ~~we’ve~~ broken up. Don’t you think if I knew how to let go I would have done it by now?! I feel like screaming at them all.

Most days I am able to convince myself I think about you so often because I long to be in love again. And you were the only person I’ve ever experienced that with. And then other days I am imagining scenarios in my head of what I’d do if we met face to face again. A lot of the time I wonder if you ever think of me. If you wonder what I’m doing. I mean I live down somewhere on the same planet, I’m your ex boyfriend, your first serious relationship you must think of me sometimes, right? Writing this I feel so foolish. I see on paper the thoughts and feelings in my head that I am ashamed of. This is really getting quite old you know? I’m sick of talking about it myself. I wish I could see you once more soon, this summer even, just so I can get the idea of seeing you out of my head. And maybe then I’ll feel better. I don’t know why it is I feel the need to see you. I think the spiteful part of me just wants to see how you’d react.

You nailed it on the head when signing my high school yearbook, “I guess the saddest thing about our whole situation is that there was no definite ending.” You can say that again. I need an ending. I don’t leave things half finished or with a “…. To be continued” on the end. You’ve gone on and written your love stories while I am still here waiting for the final unfinished chapter of ours. This is a co-author deal here ”K”, I can’t write the ending alone. GOD I sound like such a psycho ex boyfriend. But I often wonder do you talk to your friends about me at all?

I guess I just don’t understand how someone can mean so much to you and then you’re okay with never seeing them again. I’ve been okay with not seeing my friends because I wasn’t in love with them, they came and they go after every three years, you know why, right? I was only ever in love with you, and I know in my heart you were in love with me too. How do you fall out of love? More importantly how do you fall out of your first love? Is it possible to? Is it really possible to ever fully move on? Or do we just find someone else to fall in love with to fill the void? I think the saddest thing about my still thinking about this all these years later is I don’t even really know you now. We’ve been apart five years since high school and we’ve both changed, and grown, and become two totally different people from who we were when we were 15. In a way as a result of the ending of our relationship and the obviousness that we weren’t getting back together I think I started to love myself a little less. Maybe that’s why it was so easy for me to lose myself in the college scene. I’ve changed a lot you know. Not so great in some ways. I’ve damaged my body, my relationships, my trustworthiness, and most of all my spirit. You said not to lose myself among the crowd, to stand out and be individualistic. Is that what you loved about me so much? That back when I was in high school I didn’t care about fitting in? I don’t blame the friends I’ve made, I have made some wonderful ones along the way don’t get me wrong. They have pulled me out of some of my darkest nights, moments I would never dare to bring up again. I blame my inability to say no when it was appropriate. But it would be so easy to blame you for all of my downfalls the last five years. I’ve tried relationships but... I’ve run away from opportunities to be loved. I’ve been reckless with others’ hearts. I have been chaotic. And I’m not proud. But I’m learning and working on it and trying to get myself back to a place where I’m not afraid to look in the mirror. But you don't know any of this about me.

So I wake up everyday, go to work, go to class, go to family functions, hang out with friends, take showers, listen to music, read books, eat dinner with my family, go to temple, run in my neighborhood, go to the grocery store and the mall, order coffee at CCD, text several people a day, see a therapist, write in a diary, stay up late, do all of this and all the awhile no one I come in contact with ever knows that I am always thinking of you. You have always been my best kept secret.

when we were together

2013-02-22T11:52:00.000+05:30

Everyone always wants to know how you can tell when it’s true love, and I think the answer is this: when the pain doesn't fade and the scars don’t heal, and it’s too damned late.

I loved you because you observed me as no one has, in my silence, you captured my habits, and quirks and still loved me. Last summer meant so much to me. More than you can ever imagine. And when you left I was a wreck. The letters I sent I tried to seem okay but I wasn't, I cried every night and every day I would wait for you to come back. In our time together you claimed a special place in my heart, one I’ll carry with me forever and that no one can replace. I believe that memories can have a physical almost living presence, and the times we shared are the best I've got. When I close my eyes I can see your face, when I walk it’s almost as if I can feel your hand in mine. Those things are still real to me, but where they once brought comfort, now they leave me with an ache. I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you.

I fell in love you when we were together, I fell more in love with you when we were apart. I think that is dumb of me to say because while I was falling you were being hardened, trained, and sculpted into a person that I didn’t know. But I guess if you love deeply, you’re going to get hurt badly but it’s still worth it.

“I never planned on falling in love with you, and in a different way your family, I always thought it to be unnecessary and messy. I learned the hard way that I was right.”

I often remember our intimate moments together, the way we shared ourselves completely I feel as if that time has permanently linked our souls. I never opened myself up to anyone like that, and I hope I never have to do that again. I hope that you are the only one who knows each and every one of my secrets and fears, I hope that no one else hears my voice telling them that I love them when I first wake up or that I fall asleep in almost every movie theater. I hope that no one knows that you twitch when you sleep. I hope that no one comes to know the sound you make when a certain spot on your neck is kissed or that you might be the perfect girl.

I miss you, whenever something funny happens you’re the person I want to tell. I want to make dinner for you and buy birthday cake ice cream because I saw it in the store and remembered it is your favorite. I want to fight with you, and explain, in depth, why the TRUTH is better than the DARE. I want to pretend to be interested in your dress selection and kiss you goodnight every single night. You and I shared something wonderful and I never want to forget that. You are truly one of a kind.

You’re thoughtful and honest, a true person, but more than that you are the first girl I ever truly loved and no matter what the future brings, you always will be, and I know that my life is better for it.

I love you, always.

Goodbyes are never Perfect...

2012-12-31T20:57:00.000+05:30

I wrote this nearly two years ago, the void is still there.

Nothing in life is certain, people, places and occurrences come and go. Nothing in this world is permanent. Life is a fleeting moment that reforms in each new passing instant. And while nothing is permanent, we are still affected and moved in unexpected ways. People that you never expected to hold significance in your life, become the ones hardest to forget. They stroll into your life as insignificant as single leaf is to a tree. And in a season or two, they fall, and their loss strikes a surprising pain.

Naked is the only way to describe how the loss of something so presumably insignificant makes you feel. You find that the smallest things throw you into memories that now seem so bittersweet and haunting. Every memory glorified to be almost unworldly perfect, but when you strain hard enough the flawed details surface, and realize your perceived reality is skewed. I can only equate this phenomenon to that of when someone dies. Suddenly their memory is perfect, every flaw vanishes. It’s not that they were perfect in reality, but rather from some reason we torture ourselves by believing their memory is flawless, making their severance nearly impossible and painstakingly difficult.

This same situation holds true when you must muster an agonizing goodbye to someone close who moves to a different country, state, or even city. Their tie becomes almost impossible to cut as you trick yourself into believing every moment with them was much more magical than in reality it was. Their loss strikes a plaguing fear; the fear of forgetting them, and the fear of never finding someone to fill the empty void they left. While your common sense tells you that your void is not permanent, for nothing is, you heart is heavy with the notion that you emptiness is impermeable. It is simply easier to tend to the haunting memories of a past lover than to lend your fractured being someone who could easily, “kick you while you’re down,” so to speak. But what is even more difficult than saying a goodbye is to see the world in someone who sees nothing, to value their life above your own when they value their own at less than the worth of a single penny. To hear the words, “I want to die,” from someone so close feels like a knife plunging right the bottom of your soul. It obliterates every last bit of you, leaving you entirely hallow. Hopelessly all you can do is wish and pray that they find all the things that you have found in them. Hope that they discover why you fell in love with them, why you felt they were worth tearing down your fear of vulnerability for. To deal with a goodbye is hard enough, but deal with the idea that the person you feel so deeply for is suicidal is beyond what any words can describe. And then to be constantly bombarded with the question of how do you feel about so and so leaving is beyond difficult. You want to scream everything that you are feeling. You want to break down and cry and tell them how you are riddled with fear, confusion, and pain, but that’s not what people really want to hear. So you do what is easiest for them and for you and you say that you couldn’t care less, even though it is the furthest thing from the truth.

I know that time heals all. I know eventually people will stop asking, and it will get easier. While a big part of me wishes I could forget everything, an even bigger part of me has believe that everything has purpose. While the purpose may not be clear now, I have hope that someday it will be. That is the beauty of fate. I have hope that things will get better not just on my end, but on her as well. Severance is never easy, goodbyes are never perfect, and I’m finally at peace with that. So goodbye and take care, may you find joy in all that you do. I only have the best of wishes for you.

And the rest of the world falls away...

2012-11-25T12:57:00.000+05:30

"Love: a single word, a waspy thing, a word no bigger or longer than an edge. That's what it is: an edge; a razor. It draws up through the center of your life, cutting everything in two. Before and after. The rest of the world falls away on either side."

- Lauren Oliver, the author of Delirium

Days like today when all else is done, my time is occupied by memories of you. Every second of every hour are the thoughts of I'd rather be with you.. wherever you are. But you will never know that... why?.. Well because I'm too scared to say what I feel.

Too scared to say- I wanna be with YOU.

Too scared to say- I miss you like heck.

Too scared to say- I'm sorry.

Simple enough, but yet so difficult. How do you begin to tell someone what they mean to you? Or how much they mean to you? It's easy when I think of the "I should'ves" and "could'ves" looking back now, but when the time comes.. I freeze. I guess cause I loved the guarantee that if I didn't speak, then I could always stay close to you. Even if it was just as a best friend. Such a twisted thought, but I knew deep in my heart somehow I always wanted you to be a part of my life. And now; I've messed ALL that up.

The misconception that you just wanted to be "friends" forced me to think, I needed to step back and move on. To allow you to find what you were looking for cause no matter how much I wanted there to be an 'us', I wasn't gonna jeopardize your happiness.

Maybe that was the heroic thing to do.

Not to be selfish (although I wish I could be).

But I feel much like the villain. I lost your trust. And I have no excuses. I don't want to try and make any either. I just want you to know (in your heart somehow) that I think about you all the time and like said before you're not easily forgotten. It's embarrassing that I cannot be strong enough to tell you this but I can write it all down on a screen you will never see. This is my comfort zone, for now, so this'll have to do. And secretly, the little brave part left inside of me, is silently telling you:

I loved us.

I've missed us.

I miss you... but most importantly; I love you.

-K

...but my memories wont seem to let you go.

2012-11-03T17:10:00.002+05:30

It’s like a door that’s too old, that never quite shuts right. And using that little bit of "leeway", you somehow always manage to weasel your way back in into my life, into my heart… Only to leave me time and again, always in pieces.

Everybody else perceived me as aloof and strong, but they never knew how you were my one weakness, the love I could never seem to get over.

The first time you left back in high school, I was broken. I gave everything I had to you, and even then it wasn’t enough. You shattered my dreams of a "fairy-tale-romance", and with it, my very soul. A glass shard seemed permanently etched in my heart and everyday was an agony. Even breathing hurt so bad. When we passed each other in the hallway, you never once looked my way. It was as if I’d suddenly dropped out of existence from your world. You needn’t had to bother with avoiding me, because I did enough for both of us. Seeing you simply hurt too much. Nobody saw the tears I shed for you; nobody knew that I feel asleep to a damp pillow every night. I never let them.

Then we went off to different colleges, and I moved out of state. There were just too many memories of you around and I knew I had to get away in order to rebuild my life. I cut off all contact with my friends and people who knew you and erased everything in existence that reminded me of you. I slowly picked up the pieces of my strewn heart and carefully glued them back together. I had barely learnt to get used to the constant aching in my heart before you slipped back into my life.

You showed up at my doorstep, out of the blue. When I arrived back home one day to find you sitting there on the steps to my apartment, conflicting emotions ran through me. I wasn’t ready. For this, for you, nor to face the pain once more. I was about to turn and walk off, feigning ignorance, hoping that you’d be gone by the time I got back from a sudden urgent need for a dose of caffeine, but you looked up at that moment and met my eyes. Those clear, brown eyes of yours. Filled with apprehension, I forced myself to walk forward and acknowledged your presence with a slight nod. We stood there in awkward silence before you finally spoke, spilling apologies and confessions of love and how you did me wrong. Words that I’d longed to hear before, but only served to bring the pain afresh now.

Somehow we started talking again, and not long after got back together. I hesitated for a while, but still caved in to you in the end. Maybe things would be different this time round? We’ve both grown since then, surely things would be different. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

The second time you left me, I had just started my second year in college. My carefully restored life fell apart around me once more. I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t get why history was repeating. Weren’t we over all that? Where did my happily ever after go to? I started to lose hope.

You stayed away. I locked away my memories of you for a second time. Tight.

Into my third year in college, I got to know a really sweet girl. she was good to me, and I was comfortable with her. It was the closest thing to normal that I’ve felt since you left.
And then you came back.

I wavered. I shouldn’t have, I know. And I lost a great girl and friend. And so it continued… Every single time that my life was starting to have some semblance of normalcy, you would show up and smash everything to smithereens. You were like a windstorm leaving destruction in your wake everywhere you went, especially me. It took a few more times before I finally decided that I was too tired to care or love anymore, that maybe love was never for me. I can’t go on like this forever, throwing down my life for you and having to pick up the pieces each time you walk away. So I let you go. And placed a door wedge AND a chair against the damn door and locked it forever. My life will not be yours; You will not be allowed to wreck my life anymore.

Right now, I’m not happy, and I’m starting to think that maybe I never will be happy again. But at least I’m not sad all the time anymore. That counts for something, right? And maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll get over you. Or maybe I’ll never ever get over you, and that’s okay too. I’m learning to get over the thought of loving you.

-k

My scripted destiny...

2012-10-09T19:21:00.001+05:30

I miss someone to share the little space that’s left in my bed. I miss the handholding, the foot-flirting, the smiles and the laughter and all those little things. Making those phone calls in the middle of the night cause I couldn’t fall asleep knowing you were angry at me. Texting you from half a world away just to ask how you felt today. Typing emails asking about your day because we wouldn’t be seeing each other for another week. Having meaningless conversations in bed way to late at night to make any sense out of anything at all. All those things that I took for granted but missed once they were gone. I was too angry. Too depressed. Too sick of life to understand that life wasn’t what was getting in the way all that time. It was me. Walking blindfolded through life and only seeing the dark places. You used to try and light them up for me but I keep switching that light off consistently. The dark somehow seemed safer, because if I only expected the worst then I would never have to be disappointed when the outcome was nothing more than that. All the good stuff that happened would just be a bonus. But that it no way to live, apparently.

Time dragged on and I kept at my depressing ways. Sending messages every day to you about how much I hated my life and that today would be the day that I finally killed myself. When I look back at it now I am surprised at long she stuck by me through all of that. But then again, aren’t people who love you supposed be there “through thick and thin – sickness and in health”? Then all of a sudden it was over and I didn’t know how to live anymore. It sounds so dramatic and cliché but I cannot describe it any other way. There was no more reason. To live. To love. Only reasons to die. I don’t know where the turnaround was but all of a sudden there was something to look forward to.

After that I booked a vacation from my life to Jabalpur, to go back to the place where I started out. Just to try and run away from it all for a while. Until it all came back. I noticed that I can’t run away from myself and all the feelings that I still seem to have. I learned to love again on my trip. Learned how to live life happy again. Learned to smile and laugh and sleep alone again. But no matter how hard I try I couldn’t seem to erase you. How do I get past that? Do I even get passed the feeling that I just lost my soulmate? I know I am young and now is the time to be stupid, make mistakes, fall in and out of love so many times that I lose count, experience life and do all those things I dream about. Yet, it feels like you were my soulmate and that everybody after you is just a replacement, someone to fill out that lonely feeling with.

Last time..you sent me message "forget me otherwise i'll suffer..". BUT still, every now and again and I would look at my phone in the morning and thought of reading something that would make me smile the whole day...Saying that you need me to come back to where I belong. To be in your couch next to you playing TRUTH-OR-DARE Game (I hope you remembered..isn't?) and discussing things we don’t even care about really but then we still talk about just because we want to hear each other’s voices for as long as possible. That you want to get to know me all over again because this time, it might be different. And even though that all sounds good – how do I know that you won’t leave again if the going gets tough for me again? I guess it doesn’t matter. I guess I will get past it someday. After all, you are my soulmate. And soulmates never die.

I Miss You
(It's 9th Oct....Happy Birthday my love)

All Your Love

2012-09-18T21:01:00.003+05:30

I just realized, how small I feel when you aren't with me. How scared I am of everything, when I can't be with you, or when you turn away. How everything in my life means nothing at all anymore, when I can't share it with you. How alone I feel when you aren't here to understand my ways, and to love them. How incomplete I am without you.. Everything is half. Or nothing. It's like a big gap has been punched through my heart. A part is missing. You took it with you, the biggest part of my heart, and therefore because it's with you, I can not share it with anyone else anymore. It will always be with you. Even now you're gone, no one interests me. There isn't a girl who catches my eye, or interest. Nothing compares to you. Its like - Once you've had a taste of perfection. And you aren't even actually perfect. You have imperfections. But dear god, how I love all of them.

You are perfect to me. For me. With me... For I am not perfect either. I am still trying to not mess up. And to be as good as I can for you. Because even though when I was with you, it felt like I could never be with anyone else like I am with you, it still felt like I couldn't deserve you. (In a good way.) You are way up there for me. And I'm always trying to reach. To touch it. I don't just love you. I'm with you. Everything in me is you. Every memory I have. I don't know how to love without you. I don't know if I want to. Everything is gone. I wish I could say that I'm better off, but it feels like I won't ever meet anyone like you ever again. It feels like I won't ever love again like I did with you. Passionately. I didn't know I could feel this empty. But in a way it's addictive, because it makes me feel that what we had is... was real. That it wasn't just something. The memories are a drug to me and kill me.

(How do you live/love when all your life/love has been taken from you?)

Rain drops from my heaven

2012-08-31T21:48:00.001+05:30

She lives in a street named "Solitude alley". She is quite a dream...I like to think, I enjoy walking alongside her. Even such a thought puts a spring in my step and makes my imagination race...

Today morning, as I was walking past Solitude alley, I caught her at the window. She had just removed the blinds and her face glowed as the rising sun met its match. She looked dressed up and ready. Next moment, perhaps, she would have turned to the mirror and fastened the last strand of unruly hair firmly behind her ears.

I continued my walk to the bus stop. The driver is a young chap. He wears his shades no matter what the weather is and he drives with such concentration that I often wonder if he is on a tightrope walk. His face lacks any expression and he saves his gaze only for the road ahead. Anyways, I am dithering from the subject....

I turned back just in case, destiny for once decided to be friends with me! To my utter disbelief, there she was, sauntering down the solitude alley...can you imagine silence whispering in your ear? If you find it difficult, perhaps, you should listen to the sound of the first rain drop that hits the ground on a pleasant summer morning. It is not loud enough to be noisy but it qualifies for a sweet whisper...I strained my ears, yes, it was beginning to drizzle.

Our dream did not have an umbrella and neither did she care. She lifted her head slowly and looked up - a movement that appeared to me choreographed to perfection. Just then, a drop caressed her eyelid. She batted her eyelashes, a gesture that can look only sensuous on her.

She began to walk briskly whilst a miracle was underway. The rain drops seemed to single her out. They were gentle on her. It became a spectacle in no time. Right in front of me, the heavens were blessing the dream.

As she stepped inside the bus shelter, the spell was broken. The heavens ceased shedding tears and the sun peeped again emerging from the thin clouds.

~AKS

Stranger Than a Fiction...

2012-08-29T21:22:00.002+05:30

When you pick me up, my favorite songs was always playing on my music system..."Kasak". You tell me not to speak, wanting to explain what is going on. I ask for you, but you just can't.

I've always cared for you. Always loved seeing you, hearing from you, fighting with you. At the same time, however, I've hated you. Despised you more than any person I know. You made me hurt in a way that I've never experienced, you embarrassed me, you left me. To this day I cry when I think about that night when you yelled and left our relationship to the WAVES. I laid in bed during that winters, weeping for reasons I don't even know. Crying for what happened. I had never felt that before.

Getting not a single letter from you nearly ripped me to shreds. It was an apology but I cried as if the "break-up" had happened again. My letter back was full of pent up resentment, and I think back now that it may have been too much to be said in a letter. When you read it you wrecked your heart. I made you as mad as you had made me. That was the point.

Eventually winter's gone, everything starts to fade..., seeing you the other day in my dreams made me livid again. I didn't deserve to even be in the same place as you. I didn't deserve your glances, you knew that. We fought when around each other, people complained about the tension we left in the air. We didn't care. We've never cared... :)

This time last year I tried this the first time. I came to you, convinced you of the importance of our relationship and You unwillingly agreed. Soon after, everything fell apart. As I come back to you. You told me "you can't let me in." I want to. I want to be the one to hold your hand, I want to walk holding your arm and feel joy, but I can't.

I told you of what I've done this year to keep you close as we walked around the gardens at night. You know something ...that story was beautiful "me and you", the "Teddy-bear b'day Present" that you thought were from a friend, the night I came to see "The Moon"--all unnoticed. I have always been there and You had no idea.I said that I want you but you felt its just like a dream. You had no idea that you had the ability to care anymore, but you still can't let go. There is something holding you back there.. Because I know you are never like this. Whether or not... this will happen again, I don't know. Jumping in head first brought me more pain that I ever thought imaginable. I'm here to say that I am willing to eventually walk up to the shore and ease into that SEA where we left US.

Right now, however, I'm not even close to the water.

The Long Silence...

2012-08-10T23:12:00.007+05:30

Loneliness in soul

Greetings people, or at least those of you still remaining after my long silence. I have found it absolutely impossible to write lately. I had done a lot of thinking (and some writing) earlier on the subject of loneliness and creativity, but I’ve never experienced anything like this. I stare at a page and the words don’t come. I think about blogging and my mind goes blank. I try to do research for Book The Second and my brain just fizzles.

Never before have I had such trouble getting thoughts done on paper (or on the screen). I think this has a lot to do with post-separation isolation.

On top of everything else I was facing — the separation agreement, the chaos around the house, the goodbyes to all the pets — at the back of my mind I thought, “I’m not going to be able to write.”

That was three months ago, and I’ve barely written a word since. I can journal, which is a relief and a blessing, but I can’t think about publishing anything. Publishing feels so exposed, so risky, so…public...but i know eventually i have to do it...whatsoever.!!

If I had any doubts about the relationship between loneliness and creativity, they are over. It is hard (impossible?) to be creative when intensely lonely. I can read, and I can journal, but I just can’t write. I know what the problem is: I need a sense of emotional security in order to feel creative, and I just don’t have that right now. I feel vulnerable and insecure, and those feelings choke out anything that might be interesting, fruitful or new.

I am, however, going to make a renewed pledge to blog. A blog is a nice mid-point between a diary and a published piece of writing. I figure if I can blog at least once a week, that is a sign of some progress, and I think I have to be measuring progress in very small steps right now.

So please stay tuned…more manuscripts to follow as I try to work my way through ...through isolation and towards (hopefully) the ability to write once more.

One of My Kind...like a Strangest journey in free fall

2012-07-25T19:42:00.024+05:30

Faith Faith Faith....
Trust Trust Trust....
my head's keeps spinning around these things...well because they matter to me.

I've talked about faith a couple of times on the blog...like now..
And here's the thing....

I DO have faith. In things that I know to be true. Even the ones I can't see.
I have faith that the sun will always rise in the East and set in the West. I have faith that the world will keep spinning like my "head". I have faith in her love and my love for her.

And I have faith that things work out eventually.

So, maybe that's not your definition of faith. But to me it is, so go with me.
Putting your faith in people is hard. People are fallible. People are weak. People don't always act the way that you think that they will.

And sometimes they disappoint you. And if you've put your faith in someone for a long time (like for 5 long years, in my case) and they were not deserving of your faith in the first place, you end up getting hurt, shattered and badly broken from inside..

And it's that much harder to ever put your faith in someone again.

I HAVE....!! And most of the time I think I'm over it. The irreparable damage that it's done to my psyche.

But I still falter from time to time. I need reassurance. Reassurance that the person in whom I'm putting my faith and trust is not going to hurt me.

And that's weak of me. But I'm a person too. And, as they say, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

What can I say? I've been disappointed before.... Just like everyone else. But you never get anywhere if you can't hold on to that little piece of you that's still willing to try. To give it a chance. To TRUST someone.

If you can't do it, you live your life in a haze. You don't have the crushing rejection and hurt. But you never get to have the ecstasy either. And both exist. I have to believe that they do.
I have faith that they do.
And so, I try.
Do you? Do you REALLY try?

I do. With all my heart. Because I have faith in someday....

well this "chunk" of my life experience is dedicated to my friend RAMANNDEEP SINGH..

"....And so, somehow we will carry on, find a way to keep things going. There are blue and white butterflies dancing in the cold sunlight, the dog is digging a hole in what used to be the front garden, a small squirrel in climbing the old oak tree in search of a hidden cache of acorns.
Immanence. Just to stay here now and breathe deeply...."

I've Been a very bad blogger

2012-07-21T02:11:00.000+05:30

First, my apologies. I knew a lot of time had gone by since my last post, but when people started to ask, “Are you OK?” I knew I’d really left things too long.

I’ve also been very remiss about returning emails. If you’re written to me, thank you! I am not ignoring you and will write back shortly.

The problem, I’ve discovered, is that I’m a one-trick pony. Am working on Book "Seven days life", and when I’m doing that I can’t write anything else. Nothing. It’s like my mind turns itself on when I sit down to work on a chapter, and just switches itself off when the chapter’s packed up.

Good news! Am now on Chapter 2 (three, really, if you count the preamble). Now the doubt sets in. I find there are at least two stages to writing. The first stage is when you feel really good and confident. The second stage is when you think, “OMG, it’s all awful.” You can go back and forth between these two poles endlessly: confidence, despair, confidence, despair. It’s a tiny bit crazy-making.

There are wonderful people in the world called editors, and I’ll be contacting mine soon for some professional feedback. A few clear words from an editor (“fix this,” or “this doesn’t work,” or “have you thought about X?”) can totally stop the crazy see-saw. The problem is that you can’t contact an editor until the material is pretty much ready to go, and to get to that point…well, it’s the see-saw again.

I’m blogging today because I’m not writing. I have a headache, and–even WORSE–it’s starting to get hot in Delhi. Like, really hot. I have a fan and a air cooler but I hate feeling as though I can’t head out during the days. My brain just fries. I lose my glasses and forget my sunblock and it all just goes downhill… :(

See! I do love to blog. I could babble on for hours. I like reaching out. I just have to try harder to do this while I’m writing. There might be one or two of you still reading. I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone else gave up on me. There will be more to follow. More b*tching about the summer. Updates on the book. Oh, and stuff about loneliness and isolation and how to respond to it.

Still there are so many things....

2012-06-25T21:19:00.002+05:30

Seven Days Life...

"Still there are so many things that I have never seen, in every wood ..in every spring there is a different green..."

I've seen castles made out of sands...Met people who believe destiny is engraved on the palm of their hands.
I've seen people change their faith....Experienced LOVE change into HATE..
I've seen people grow younger with age..
And a bird who wouldn't fly out of an open cage.

I've seen love sold for money...
People who are devastated inside but outside they're funny...
I've seen unicorn fall in love with the "TOAD" :)
People who owned half the city have now hit the road...

I've learned to expect the unexpected...
Perfection doesn't exist we're all defeated...
Everyone cries, some just hide their tears,
They say coal turns diamond over a thousand years...
Someone may believe you are one in a million...
For others you are just another nobody in the billion...

Still there are so many things that I have never seen..... :)

Blue Stone

2011-12-22T06:55:00.003+05:30

Pricking Stones in life..

My life is already stumbling down the hill and it  stumbles even further. Thanks to 'you' for making my life even  harder and complicated. i'm done here and forever.

On another note, I am feeling lonely, empty and upset.  

 I don’t seem to come across any sincere and genuinely nice person. 

 Arrrgghhh! I am done with talking and expressing shits! 

n' i know this is my happy ending? Then so be it…

The World where I live...

2011-07-29T16:39:00.003+05:30

Traditional Kitchen Stove

I was the Victim of a devilish world...

2011-05-31T13:37:00.022+05:30

"When my life was quickly falling out of my hands and reality wasn't within reach, I felt helpless... I needed to find a way out somehow, someone or something to influence me in a better way by helping me out of the major hole I had dug myself into."

New Life...

It all began when I moved away from my life in New Delhi..a city far away my dream land..!
(I don't want to be moved)

I am afraid of changes. I am afraid to fail. I don’t know what I should do. As much as I want to go, I feel half-hearted at the same time. I really don’t know what’s holding me back. I have made it this far but I don’t know why I am hesitating.
Sometimes I wish I would just be a kid again. No Worries, No Burdens, No Arguments, No Misunderstandings, No Responsibilities, Nothing at all. Being in this situation really sucks. God, tell me what’s the best for my future. Tell me in my dreams… I am really stuck right now.

When you love something or somebody, you feel like you are in heaven. But when they leave you, everything looks ugly and sucks. How I really wish that people won’t have to give me such challenges in my already stressful life? How I really wish that people can be nicer after so much I have done? How I really wish people can accept my flaws when I can accept ALL their flaws?
It’s totally unfair… Why do they always think that they did nothing and you are the only person who keeps screwing things up? It’s nothing but heart aches…

Still I want to patch up the things, though compensating with things I have lost..
I actually miss the way it was 3-4year before.
But there are things that no matter how you push through, no matter how you want to back again,
It's just the way it is...
Maybe he's right, it's time to accept, to let go, move on and get a life without her.

"Don’t you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
'Im still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind"

My first week of college...

2011-04-19T18:39:00.003+05:30

" As I entered the quad, anxious to begin my college experience, I began to feel very nervous.
The thought of actually being in college frightened me."

I hate dis study!!

One of my biggest fear about freshman year was coping with moving so far away from my parents...
But I decided I'd just have to take this as an opportunity to grow. I knew it I'd be different, but there were a few things that hit me harder than I was anticipating.

I'm out of my own :
I have to fight off the temptation of hanging out with friends just doors away & whip myself into studies, or doing laundry, or eating, for that matter...I have literally forgotten to eat meals. And on that note, while the dinner hall food is actually good, its nothing like mum's food.
Well on the plus side, I don't have to ask permission just to get out of the "house". My schedule is now mine...

My parents know I'm on my own :
Which means that when I checked my cell phone after the lectures last Thursday, there were twelve text messages and few miss calls from the same two phone numbers that belongs to my house...!

I actually like it here, sometimes :
The biggest challenge of all has been balancing past and future. I promised my parents for some webcam time, I told my friends I'd call, I owe my sister a mail...
But at the same time, I want to check out some campus events, I want to study with new people, I want to go out to dinner with my roommate. As much as I miss seeing my friends & my family...I genuinely feel at home so far, and I almost feel guilty for it....!

While there have been tough ropes to race through, they have all made some of the best moments of my first week of college and a challenge still a invaluable lesson for the rest of my life...
Adjusting to a new environment, being exposed to different types of people and deeply evaluating my relationships are all things I would have had to face eventually.. I'm just glad that I took the chance to do so at a time and place where thousands of other students are going through the same thing!

(A Piece from my diary-entry & answer to someone who asked me - "why am I not like others?")

Above picture is taken at Sukna, West Bengal. 15th March, 9:17PM during 12th board Exam.

My world...my journey of a utopia

2011-04-02T09:19:00.001+05:30

my destiny...!

I think in a sense seeing how films have changed me and seeing how fiction moves me more than facts in many ways, and I think that I can talk for many people that fiction moves us more than real life, it certainly helps us to set forth on this a journey of a utopia, which can never be achieved....

taken on 04 march,2011 sunset time

Rocky hills

2011-04-01T20:27:00.001+05:30

on the rocky hill..

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made straight and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together....so atleast i can drive my scooter!!

taken at Army school sukna, West Beengal. 7th April,2010 Principal's office view.