A Moment in the Coffee House

God's Goodness to Me

2014-04-23T15:37:00.001-04:00

The first words are always the hardest, don't you agree? I want to share this awesome, extremely tough journey The Lord has me on, but trying to find the opening sentence is always the toughest for me. Anyway......

It has been almost a year and a half since I started the Made to Crave journey. It all started when I sensed the call to avoid all sweets for a year, a choice I thought would be impossible, but was actually empowering.

The year has come and gone. I am 30 lbs. lighter and I still eat very little sweets. I am not 30 lbs. lighter just for that reason alone. It is a spiritual journey I have walked and I learned I was overweight physically because I was underweight spiritually. For months it was truly hard to wrap my mind around many of the concepts from the book, Made to Crave, but one by one, I opened myself to the Lord, listening to His tender leading and I followed.

I learned that I desired food, more than Him. That food was an idol in my life, because I turned to it for everything rather than Him. A bad day, a pity party I was having, a self -righteous deserving attitude, just to name a few. Food was my comfort, my best friend and even though I loved God with ALL my heart, food was my first resort to make me feel better about anything. I believed lies for years. Lies such as, "I deserve this!" "I work hard!" and "who is ANYONE, to tell ME what I can or cannot eat!?".

Month by month, I submitted to my Heavenly Father, along with many mistakes and little by little the excess weight came off.

Don't misunderstand, this was not just a spiritual journey of surrender, but a physical application one as well. I eliminated junk and sweets and stopped eating after 8pm. I also began to exercise and ignore any excuses that the enemy fed me.

Each day was tough, moments at night were torture. Yielding to God in this area of my life, was and still is, the toughest place I have ever walked! It has been painful. Not fun and HARD! But my God is so good, faithful and HIS strength alone has carried, sustained me minute by minute.

Since January of this year, I have stayed at a certain weight and try as I might can't seem to loose past my 30lbs loss. I have struggled, fought and gotten mad! "I'm doing everything by the book, Lord!"

Once again, I hear and feel the gentle wind of His spirit desiring growth out of me again. "It's not about the number on the scale." AHHHHH, not what I want to hear!

This is a lesson of surrender and freedom. A practical application of treating my temple the best way I possibly can. Asking myself with EACH food choice, "Is this beneficial to my body?". With the surrender of the scale, after a lifetime of hating my size AND my body, I feel FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Freedom in Christ, all the while, listening to His leading on how to take care of this temple.

THIS is my testimony of God's awesome goodness to me and the journey I have been on.

Coffee Shop Travels Part 1

2014-03-05T20:04:00.001-05:00

It is established that I love coffee, so much so that I consider it a hobby of mine.

The boys and I are out here in Dayton, Ohio this week with my hubby while he has some job training and I have taken this opportunity to sample all of the local coffee haunts, to my delight!

The first place was Boston Stoker.

The sign made the place look interesting and once I walked through the front door, the "interesting" ensued. It was dark, almost "bar" dark. Not that I would know this personally having ever been to a bar, but using the movies I've seen as an reference. It was very spacious and I walked around with curiosity. I ventured towards the back and to my surprise I noticed a cigar bar and display. Unique. I have never seen this before, or thought that cigars and coffee made a good couple, but then again, I've never smoked a cigar, so who knows.

I ordered my usual, a straight cappuccino. The gentleman was dressed more like a cigar connoisseur than a coffee barista, but he made my cappuccino with care, so it didn't much matter to me. As I put to my lips for the first sip,it was strong and very smokey. I know, the irony of it being in a coffee/cigar shop, but it was good. I just have to wonder if some cigar tobacco was mixed into this cappuccino of mine. One last note. This is a local company with just nine locations.

My second stop, Tim Hortons.

I have heard of this coffee company because about six months ago, they came out with discs for the Tassimo coffee machine. I was not a hug fan of the Tim Horton coffee at home, but was curious how it tasted from the actual location. Upon walking in, it had a "Dunkin Doughnuts" feel. They served breakfast, doughnuts and paninis and oddly enough, coffee seemed to be an after thought. Everything else they sold was pushed to the forefront, leaving the coffee as an add on sale. The coffee was weak, for me. But, I would imagine it rates high with a normal coffee consumer, milder in taste, but it did have its own distinct taste and about halfway through my cappuccino. I found myself enjoying it.

Part 2 to follow soon!

Too Long Too Little

2014-03-05T19:21:00.002-05:00

The first words are always the toughest, don't you think?

It has been literally months, since I have posted. In fact for many of you, you probably are unaware that I have a blog.

Life got me busy, two wonderful little blessings in my life. There doesn't seem to be much time in between those little blessings of mine always running thru the house needing mommy most every few minutes and I enjoy it immensely! I don't want to rush them through this precious age where I am their world, for I know that it will end all too quickly.

So, why now?

Because I have missed writing, sharing my heart to whoever will hear and maybe, just maybe, this journey I'm on will inspire or encourage you. This is my hope. Here is this place, I am real and raw.

Crystal

The Color Orange

2013-08-27T07:33:00.001-04:00

Okay, so if you know me AT ALL, you know I have a passion for interior design and decor! I was so excited when moving into a brand new home because of all that I could do! Living here almost a year now and the choices have seemed actually quite daunting to me and I have been trying out furniture placement, wall colors and decor schemes to find just the right one.

My love for blue is constant, but I wanted to add some "happy" into the blue scheme and so I took a stab at orange. I was scared to death! I started by purchasing some clearance orange accessories at TjMaxx and pulling out some orange items from my fall decor box. I slowly added them and have waited to see what I thought, feeling them out for a week or two.

Yesterday I got the courage to post a few picture on the Houzz website. This website is full of professional designers and ordinary people all sharing decor ideas with each other, I love the app!!! While I received some not so nice criticism, design is so subjective, so I waited. I received some great advice for professional designers and some BIG TIME compliments! It looks like I am on the right path. Some might say, "It's my house, who cares what others say!" For me, having a passion for design, enjoy the feedback, for the most part, lol.

So I am excited about this orange and navy journey and now to find the "perfect" gray for my walls.

Crystal

"You have an eye for appeal and balance. The orange accents punch the blue , I think a few unexpected touches of orange bring out what you have done so far. . What about orange placemats in the dining room, or runner with orange bowl, or an orange framed piece of art. You have a spacious wall that could be the place to frame out textured orange toned art work or an orange and blue toned material. Purchase a large frame and mount the material inside to give a personal touch to the room, add family photo's mounted on the material for interest and warmth."

My inspiration pictures........

The Beginning

2013-08-26T08:47:00.001-04:00

After months of praying for the right time to open this door, I have finally become an official Tupperware Consultant and I am so enjoying every minute! Each week I give it back to The Lord as I endeavor to pay off debt and build savings with the profits.

My actually Tupperware story begins before I was born. When I was still in my mother's womb, I was attending Tupperware events as she sold Tupperware! It is in my blood, lol!!! I have had many parties, catalog and online parties. I have saved so much money, by not throwing our produce that was saved by the "fridge smart" line and made my life easier as a mom. I can't wait to share this with others!

So will you pray and stand with me for Gods blessing on my business? That support will do more for me than any order you would place and if you want to hold a demonstration to see what is new, that would help too!

Thanks, to each of you who will stand and pray with me EVERYDAY!!!!!

Crystal

"Epic Tupperware Lady"

Sweet Mornings

2013-08-20T06:59:00.001-04:00

For years I was a "night" person. I'm not sure if that was due to my age, or because it runs in my family, but I loved nighttime and was able to get so much accomplished at night.

Today, I find my self a lover of the morning for just one reason, solitude and peaceful moments with my Savior. I enjoy waking up knowing the house will be perfectly quiet and my thoughts uncluttered. I sit and read my devotional and Bible uninterrupted and there is something so lovely and necessary about that.

I love my boys and their noise, but to have my day start with solitude and moments with my Father is what I have learned to cherish.

Back to My Roots

2013-08-13T19:14:00.001-04:00

It has been a year since I used this blog. I ventured out onto Wordpress land, dipping my toes into the world of blogging for a living. I would not call it a big fail, rather an eye opener to the massive world of blogs. I took a step back and for the past couple months, trying to decide what I wanted to do, or even if I wanted to do anything at all.

I remembered this blog, my first one and realized I missed it dearly, so here I am. Oh sure, I will probably blog here about my passions of decor and coupons, but I like having the freedom of this "coffeehouse", where I can be me.

So, what has happened over the past year? A lot! Not too mention, AMAZING things!!!!! We moved, bought a house, found new friends, a church family, started homeschooling AND I've lost 15 lbs., reading the book, "Made to Crave". God has been so good!

I am so blessed, growing in my relationship with The Lord and focusing on Him being my everything! This path is tough, but I hold onto His power and strength functioning in my life. Am I better than anyone else. Nope. Just a mom, with a passion for coffee, striving to be closer to my Heavenly Father than I have ever been in my life!

-crystal

My Thoughts are my Enemy

2012-08-05T12:39:00.001-04:00

I sit here quiet, sick, confused. It seems as if my faith and efforts to be a better steward has gone up in flames. Understanding is an enemy and the heavens are silent.

I sit here staring, overwhelmed, frustrated. Packed boxes fill our house. Unpack and resign myself, or wait?

My hope of owning a home was murdered on Thursday. Run to the creator? How can I emotionally allow myself to when I gave Him all during this entire process. A little heads up would have been nice. Is this my fault? Should I have prayed more than I did? Did my financial missteps have this situation from the start?

I am trying to be a better steward. My intentions are worth gold, but I am told that us not enough. I am not perfect and finances are my nemesis in life, just like my weight, but I try and try and I have NEVER given up at either.

To cry out to Him feels like spending time with a thief that took something from me.

My life has been lived with a passion for Jesus, my everything. Yet in these painful, confusing moments, I see him as a foe, not a friend.

I am angry at the situation. Prayer is linked with faith. My faith did not result in what I thought was the right, practical, responsible action to take.

It is difficult for me to find a balance between faith and things that are practical. Why? Didn't I learn this lesson already?

Wrong Way of Thinking

2012-04-09T10:07:00.000-04:00

My way of thinking is currently being rearranged. I will share with you the first one today.

Perfectionism.

I have always been a perfectionist and admitted that without apology and prided myself on that trait. What the Lord is teaching me is that it is not a good thing at all.

It took me weeks to process this. It is how I have lived, for years and thought it was a good and Godly trait.. Now, I have to change that and say to myself, "It is okay if it isn't perfect. You give it your best and that is great. No stressing and forget about what others will say or respond." I have to keep telling myself this about EVERYTHING, it is actually a little painful to type it out.

This is life changing and freeing. The heavy weight I always placed on myself to be perfect is now gone, well I am giving it my best, lol. Why am I surprised? Didn't Jesus say that His yoke is easy and burden is light?

Perfectionism is a driver, a destroyer and just plain mean.

No matter how hard I tried at whatever, it never seemed PERFECT. This led to me pretty much despising myself in most areas and feeling like a failure most of the time. Something I kept hidden very well from everyone,very well. Placing such a heavy load on myself, I then expected those around me to be perfect to or at least be striving for it as hard as I was and when I soon realized they were not, it made me angry that they were below "perfection" and NOT upset about it, it seemed so unfair to me!

This ruined friendships a little bit back. This ridiculous expectation that I had from those around me caused me to be mean and just plain stupid. I regret this now, but not condemned, because I know I am not perfect and that is okay.

My loving Heavenly Father understands my humanity, human flaws, general weakness and although I will always give it my best, if it is not perfect that is finally okay with me, I have put that weight down. I have decided, chosen, to walk in freedom and grace, not only with myself but all of those around me and I know there are only great rewards to reap! :)

Heavy

2012-03-25T18:55:00.000-04:00

One word describes life for me right now.

HEAVY

Surrounding me are major decisions, major minute by minute choices and major spiritual reconstruction.

First is the day to day parenting of an almost nine month old and a strong willed, five year old who daily pushes the boundaries. Both boys bring me such a delight, smiles and a warmth only a mom can understand, but that doesn't mean it isn't tough, very tough for me, everyday. My day to day life, I feel often like a ping pong ball, bouncing back and forth, from one boy to the next, hoping for just five minutes of peaceful playtime. When Bruce comes home, I am exhausted, drained and have little left to give, because I parent with all my heart, giving 100%. I am so glad to have the blessing to stay home with my boys, but I am just saying, right now, it is pretty intense for me.

Second is the whole house search. I am daily praying and I KNOW, as shared in previous blogs, that the Lord has our house for us and knows right where it is, but in the meantime I am having trouble making time for the process. After eight hours with my two precious little guys, I am all give out, mentally more than anything. So, to think and look about and at houses is a major effort. I am so glad the hubby is doing a great job of leading us in this, but it is another HEAVY thing right now.

Finally, for those of you that sincerely pray that the Lord change you, be forewarned. In January, I told the Lord that I did not want to be stagnant again this year and that I wanted to grow closer to Him. This journey He has started me on is indeed heavier that I ever thought. I am learning that my life, my day is NOT mine. I Corinthians 6:19-20 states that we must daily surrender to HIS will for every minute of the day, we are NOT our own!

I am also discovering my many hidden, deep insecurities. So deep, that initially, I thought I was just fine. I want to grow this year and with that desire the Lord has revealed parts of me that are tough to swallow. I know I will reap the benefits beyond my wildest dreams, but right now it is pretty heavy. I am having to completely reprogram myself in how I view myself and those around me, all the while giving every minute of my day to the Lord, praying that He will give me some control of my day, but for right now that is not the case. Coming from someone who likes to be IN control of her day, her life, her relationships, this is life changing and a minute by minute surrender!

So Lord, let it rain,open the floodgates of heaven and change me! Make me, mold me and HELP me right now! When I am so tired. When I am so weary. When I want to control things. Let it rain Your peace and presence in my life, flooding me with Your spirit, that those who know me will see YOU and the changes You are making in my life. To YOU be all the glory, honor and power!

God Came Down

2012-03-14T15:01:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was a mountain of frustration, exhaustion and confusion yesterday. Part of it was just me, the weariness carried over from last week and the rest from the house search.

Up until the past few days I have had an overwhelming peace from the Lord on our future home. I knew that He sees it and already knows everything about it and the journey we will take until moving in. I am earnestly praying for a four bedroom two plus bathroom, basement and fenced yard, I believe He can bring us a home like that.

I spent the day thinking about the houses we had seen over the weekend and questioning myself. Was I being too picky? Should I just says yes to one of them and move on? Can I really live in Front Royal? The questions and doubt were endless, not too mention stealing my peace at the same time.

I spoke with my mom several times, asking for her advice and counsel and I am beyond grateful for the mom I have.She encouraged me to walk, trust and know that He is in control. The our Father leads us and does not drive us. Powerful words!

Bruce arrived home and I began to share with him the afternoons events. As we were chatting in the kitchen God came down, His spirit and powerful presence enveloped our hearts, tears began to fall down my face and once again, we KNEW!

HE is in control, HE has a PERFECT place for us! Excitement and hope filled our hearts once again!

I am so thankful, blessed and in love with my heavenly Father!

The enemy is so sly. He easily slips into our minds and our hearts and if we don't reach out for advice and prayer, we may make a wrong decision because we can rationalize it out. I want God to make this decision. Not one that I make due to this or that and maybe end up regretting in the long run. He is faithful to reward my trust in Him as

I CHOOSE NOT to lean on my own understanding!

Peace sweet peace.

Control from the Inside Out

2012-03-03T18:48:00.002-05:00

Coffee in hand, sitting here on my bed, iPod playing, "Everlasting" in my ears.

Bruce leaves for Canada, the entire week! I am trying to have as much "me" time as I can before entering the world of non-stop mommy. The boys are great, just a normal five year old and seven month old, but that doesn't change the fact that I find this "mommy thing" very hard at times. Most days I look forward the moment that Bruce walks through the door, peace seems to come right along with him.

I know the Lord is my strength, my all and my peace, but in some of "those" moments the feelings of peace and strength couldn't seem further away. I then remember what I know, NOT feel. He IS with me, my heavenly Father IS present, but yet Cole still cries, Zach still throws the tantrum.

I could just scream, then sit and cry. I ask myself, can I really do this?

I have never been so happy, such deep inner peace as right now in my life, it is such a sweet place. I am beyond blessed for the changes the Lord has made in me and I am so grateful that I became submissive to those changes. I continue to relinquish so much control to Him and the minutes of my day.

Yet, I wonder... is it too much to ask for one small piece?

Maybe not, maybe so. As I type this, probably, it is. He wants ALL. My life is NOT my own.

Consume me Lord, from the inside, out, this is the cry of my heart! My heart and my soul, I give YOU control, consume me! Help me to loose myself and just bring You praise!

It is just so hard, I mean, didn't He give me this personality? I struggle with this at times and then in sweeps that overwhelming peace that I have become so thankful for. Knowing it will all be okay and my focus turns to the precious two little boys that I have, their smiles take away all my frustration.

At the end of the day, there is another day I must walk. I want to walk. These days I know will be the days I treasure the most! In those moments of pure frustration I must relinquish all control and refocus on what is in front of me, gifts from the Lord. Tangible gifts, the only tangible gifts God gives.

As I begin this week alone, I will walk in the confidence of my Father. I will walk in the confidence of those who surround me with love and cherish each moment, whether giggles or screams with my boys.

A First for Me

2012-02-07T19:36:00.000-05:00

As of late I have had Tupperware-itus, I just can't seem to get enough.

I am not sure if it is the organization of it, the pretty colors or just an unusual fascination. I have been doing lots of research and praying about selling Tupperware because I love it so much and it makes my life more simple as a mom.

Last night I attended a Tupperware meeting where they were having a host appreciation night. Can I just say that I walked away with so much FREE Tupperware it was crazy!

During the meeting I had something happen to me that had never happened to me in my life.

Upon entering the room I was bombarded with tickets for drawings and raffles for this and that, it was great! About thirty minutes into the meeting my number was called, MY NUMBER! I stood there in shock for a second and then I heard myself say, "that's me!". As I took my seat, it began to sink in, I WON, I really won!

The rest of the night I continued to receive more free Tupperware, it was great and a night out away from the boys. :)

I do want to sell Tupperware, I am just waiting on God's timing. I can't wait for that day to come, yeah!

A Moment in Panera

2012-01-15T19:42:00.000-05:00

Another week gone by.

Attempted to make some changes this week, like having a quiet time and for the most part, I did well. It was so awesome and refreshing to feel His Spirit once again. I also cut back time spent on the computer and made time to read to my boys, enjoy the moments with them. Cole is six months today and I am loving every minute. It makes me sad actually, he grows so fast. Life is going too fast.

I wish to treasure every moment. Stop and make the most of every hour with my kids, my spouse and for me.

We turned off our cable two weeks ago, best thing we did. Life seems so much more alive to me and I seem more aware of all the opportunities around me.

To play with my boys.
To gaze into their eyes and enjoy the innocence.
To stop and gather my thoughts.
To have a quiet moment with God.

I know it is vital for me to protect and guard my schedule to avoid getting so busy that I miss these moments. So busy that I am driving from one event to the next, squeezing one more thing into my day. Even if it is for the kids, even if it is for the church. Staying so busy causes us to miss all the little things and breathing in God's blessings in our lives.

I would encourage every mom to stop.

Take one minute and stop.

Look at your schedule this week, why is it so full?

Do you need to be busy to feel important?

Slow down, say no, cancel things you can.

In that moment that you cancel and cut things from your schedule, you give yourself, your children and family a gift,

Free yourself up to breath in all God's little moments and blessings all around you.

2012 - I WANT!

2012-01-02T20:37:00.002-05:00

2012, I have proclaimed it as "The Year of God's Goodness!" Does that mean I believe there will be no hard times? Nope. It means that my Father is good to me in so many ways that I choose to look out for it and focus on it this year.

I have also determined that this will be a year of "I WANTS".

Romans 7:15 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

I have decided that THIS is the year I CHOOSE to DO what deep inside of me WANTS to do!

I want to eat healthier, in a way that honors the body God has given me.

I want to read my bible and pray daily.

I want to run.

I want to read more.

I want to spend less time on the internet.

I want to grow deeper in God.

I want to know Him like I never have!

These are the things I WANT and with the Lord's help, I will push aside distractions and succeed in Him!

My Cup Overflows

2011-12-01T22:57:00.000-05:00

It has been too long since I have blogged, but I am not spending ANY time in the local Starbucks to do so. Being a mom of two boys keeps me hopping and contrary to what I always thought in my 20's, I am loving it!

I have yet to fulfill my calling as a missionary to teen girls in Alaska, yet I am fulfilled, at peace and each day is so sweet where I find myself. The timing of God has always frustrated and amazed me. When I am so troubled with His timeline, He smiles at my enthusiasm and says to me, "Trust Me". I have chose to listen to His voice and each day I reap the rewards beyond my wildest dreams. Am I in Alaska, ministering to the teens girls that have burdened the depths of my soul? No, I am not even close, yet such a peace and a joy fills my life knowing that I am in His timing.

It amuses me where this blog has gone as I have set here typing in bed, the room dark and a tv show on in the background. I had set out to write about my Christmas tree this year and instead have set here and blogged about the timing of the Lord.

I just cannot believe how blessed and happy I am in my life right now. Each moment I spend with Cole and Zach overwhelm me with joy, gratitude and feelings I cannot put into words. Lord, you are so good! Do I have the latest fashion, the name brand bag, money to go shopping, nope. Do I have shoes that have seen better days and clothes from my college days, yup. It doesn't matter, not one bit. I have my boys, gifts from my Father and for now, that is what fulfills my life and I know it is just where the Lord wants me. ( BIG SMILE)

Blessed Beyond Words

2011-10-01T11:01:00.000-04:00

It has been months, I know. It is simply called having a baby and this new mom has just not had the time to sit in the coffeehouse - lol.

I am beyond blessed, I often ask myself, could life get any better? My God is so very good to me, I am loving all that he has blessed me with and the people I am surrounded by.

No, this post will not be long, I just wanted to touch base and express my deep love for life and my family, especially my little angel, Cole Oliver.

The First Birth

2011-06-17T17:06:00.000-04:00

I could not breathe, things did not feel right. Scared, I knew I had to get to the hospital.

The hospitals shocking bright lights at 12 am were an intruder. I remember panic from those around me, still not sure myself what was wrong. This was my first pregnancy, everything was so foreign to me.

Surrounded by nurses, doctors, invasive needles and drugs running through my system I had never experienced before. My husband by my side, assuring me all was going to be okay, when both of us really did not know that for sure. I was 27 weeks, not quite to my 3rd trimester and all I knew was that I couldn't breathe and they kept administering more drugs to my system that seemed to help slightly, but never quite the solution.

" We must send her to Johns Hopkins, they can handle the situation better there." What situation I thought to myself. At this point I was so drugged up with magnesium, I really wasn't very coherent of much that was going on.

The trip in the ambulance seemed forever, rolled out of the back and pushed down a very dingy dark hallway. Where was Bruce? Although he had told me he was going to follow, I didn't remember, I was so out of it. Through some doors, more intrusive bright lights, more nurses, more doctors, no one telling me clearly what was going on, but I felt the urgency around me. Monitors everywhere to check the baby's heartbeat, more needles and now a massive headache because I had lost my glasses somewhere along the way.

Alone for while, Bruce finally came through the door and eventually my family, I could see from the look in their eyes that things did not look good. It was a nightmare, I didn't feel like myself, the headache grew worse and the continual interruptions made it worse. I tried to sleep, but there was no rest in this situation.

For what seemed like eternity, I lay in misery, not knowing what would happen next.

He walked through the door, a young guy, to deliver the news that they had to deliver the baby for the safety of both of us. My mom started to ask him all the questions I wanted to but could not formulate. My thought was, How can I push, I am so weak and tired?

I was wheeled off to an even brighter room for the epidural, so thankful that I now found Bruce by my side once again. Not knowing what lay ahead or what the next three months would be, I fell asleep on the table.

Waking up, the room was dark, although not completely. Curtains surrounded me and I was alone. There was an absence of life inside of me, I had no idea what was going on.
Was my baby okay? Where was Bruce, my mom? I lay there for what seemed like forever, finally hearing voices, my hopes rose and I looked toward the curtain, waiting it for it to open and see my baby. The curtain did not move, in fact I quickly put together that it was a local news crew interviewing a mom who had just given birth to triplets.

Darkness and sadness enveloped my spirit and I went out again. Finally, Bruce came, a forced smile on his face, I knew that it was for my benefit, but things were not good. Over the next several hours I was in and out of consciousnesses, still no sign of my baby.

Once out of recovery and in another room, Bruce told me that our baby had to go to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and they were taking care of him there. What does he look like? Is he okay?

Days passed, finally starting to feel a bit like myself, our parents had gone home, I then realized that everyone had seen my baby before me. This crushed me, it had been well over 24 hours and I had yet to see my baby.

Finally, I was able to get out of bed into a wheel chair, Bruce pushed me down the hallway to the N.I.C.U. Anxiously waiting to see my son. Will he have hair? How big will he be?

What I saw next, I was not prepared for. There was my baby just over 1 pound, no hair, skin transparent, needles in his skin, wires everywhere, his heart was beating so fast. I just sat there, in complete shock. This was not the way things were to be. I could only sit for so long so Bruce slowly wheeled me back. Crushed, at what was supposed to be a joyous event, now was the tiny life of my baby hanging on for life and me not knowing if he would live another day.

The next 3 months were a blur. Hours at the hospital, a roller coaster of news from the nurses and doctors, still not knowing if our baby would see another day. Christmas came and what we hoped for, our baby home with us, was shattered. I didn't even want to have Christmas. Each day was a blur, thousands of people praying world-wide for our baby we found out later.

The day finally came January 9th, when we brought our 4 pound son home from the hospital, a true miracle of life, an experience that I will never forget.

THAT is what makes me so grateful each day that I am still carrying my second child and believe that this delivery will be completely different and that joyful experience that I missed 5 years ago.

A New Day, A New Perspective

2011-04-14T18:58:00.000-04:00

If you follow my blog, my most recent post seemed, well, as my husband said, "interesting". These were feelings I had bottled up for a while and I love how our Heavenly Father never pushes things on us, but gently brings things to our attention and offers a better alternative and hope.

Our pastor preached a sermon this past month that has left me deep in thought, analyzing myself and my perspective toward fellow Christians. It had such an impact on me that as we drove home that Sunday, my hubby asked me what I thought about the sermon and I replied, " I really don't want to talk about it right now."

So many things in my mind and I just don't know quite where to start! Well, let me just start with this, I FEEL SO FREE! Our pastor talked about grace and how we as Christians receive so much grace from our Father but we are stingy when handing it out to others. OUCH, that was when my toes started bleeding and I felt like he said it right to me. I am one of those who doesn't like to forget how and when I was hurt and then I let those hurts become walls to protect me the next time that hurt MAY happen. Thinking this was the best way to shield myself from hurt, I have lived my life most this way. My criticism grew towards others and I became less and less like my Savior who gave everything to us, who forgives us, drowns our sins in the sea of forgetfulness and has endless grace towards all of my short falls.

I knew I had to change, I didn't want to live this way, I wanted to be poured out.

At the end of the service I said "Lord, this is something I can't do, not in my own strength", and ever since THAT moment, I have been different and FREE. I want to see people through Jesus eyes and extend grace to others as much as He has me. His love OVERWHELMS me. All I long for is to be MORE like HIM, in my life AND relationships, no matter if they are short or for a lifetime, I want to be like Jesus.

This walk may not be a bed of roses and I am sure that I will get hurt again, but my Heavenly Father will be there to once again heal my heart so that He can pour out through me once again.

At our youth service last night, the Lord confirmed the work He was doing in me with the words from Hillsong, "Inside Out".......

" A thousand times I have failed, still your mercy remains and should I stumble again, I will be caught in your grace....CONSUME me Lord, from the INSIDE out!"

WOW, that is all I can say, wow!

No Matter What.............

2011-04-09T19:52:00.002-04:00

People, their reactions, why they do what they do is nothing short of a great mystery to me, especially Christians, which you would think would be easier, but it's not.

I have wrestled with this for most of my life actually and I am not sure why. I am a nice person, a loyal friend but I can't seem to find one to simply love and accept me for who I am....why is this?

Why is it so easy for other woman to have these dynamic friendships, yet I struggle. I know I am different on several levels.

I love to be alone and.......

I am not one of those people who want to be around girlfriends several times a week, I need my space. Most of the time, I love right where I am and to be honest I just don't seem to have much room for a friend, especially being pregnant, I love my life just the way it is. .......

At the same time....

I seem like a foreigner among woman, like I am difficult to understand, not worth the trouble. Some would say this is just my imagination and it is my fault for not being vulnerable enough or pulling away all the time and while that may be true, wouldn't a true friend stick around to help me through?

Competition in friendships is something that really turns me off. If a woman already has lots of friends, close friends, I would rather not be part of a large already existing group, struggling to find my place. I have walked this road and it ended in a mess quite honestly. It was really sad and I believe misunderstandings led to the death of it. I have been just fine since and learned so much from it.

I learned that I prefer....... one or two close friends......... I prefer space......... I prefer to find those I feel safe with. I prefer a friendship developing slowly.

Due to the lack of friendships in my life, my heavenly Father became my very best friend and I tend to compare friendships to Him. Wrong? I am not sure, because aren't we as Christians supposed to have Jesus as our example in life and relationships? Although we cannot be perfect in this life and there is forgiveness, if you are not completely open with one another, can it go on?

There is a song by Kerri Roberts that I love that seems to fit me exactly.......

" Since I can remember, guess I've been a problem, never had a filter, never been the popular one, never been the one to sugar coat what I know to be undeniable....."

"Everywhere I go, everyone is talking, I can feel them starring, they hope I am just pretending and giving up my power, but I am not living for them, I am living for something better."

"I am not good enough, I am not what they want, and let me tell you what, I KNOW what I am, so just throw me out, for not fitting out, I will stand my ground, and be an outcast....."

"So what if I am an outcast? So what if I am an OUTCAST?"

"They think I should be perfect, they love it when I mess up and no grace in case I blow up...."

"So what if I am an outcast? So what if I am an OUTCAST?"

"I try to be nice, I don't want to fight but what I believe is what makes me strong."

"No matter what it costs, I will be an outcast, because I know who I am.....I am not good enough for them, I am not what they want, but I know who I am, so just throw me out for not fitting in."

"I will stand my ground and be just who I am."

So for now, I keep breathing and believing that my Heavenly Father has the perfect friend for me and I will wait, I will not settle and I will hold on tight a little longer.

Faithfulness in the Dark - Waiting.

2011-03-16T10:22:00.000-04:00

It has been almost a month now since we received alarming news about the van.

Since that day Bruce and I have been in prayer, sought advice, trusted, waited and limited the trips in the van. We learned of some treatments you could do to patch the problem, but we have yet to be able to use them because the oil level has to drop to a certain point first and the oil has not gone low enough, in fact the van is running perfectly! Do we still need a new head gasket and so on? Maybe. All I know that as I am faithful and trust, the final word rests in the Lord and Bruce and I are resting in that.

In the meantime, we stay faithful, keep trusting, have patience and wait. Besides, it God's van, it is up to Him.

Being in the dark is sometimes better than having all the answers I think. When we can see solutions we tend to rush in and do what we feel would solve the problem and often it is the wrong thing. As I wait in the dark and see no solution, I know that my Heavenly Father is doing the solving and I like that.

It is GODS

2011-02-25T11:32:00.001-05:00

Wednesdays are a busy but good day for us, I look forward to teaching my drama class of 15+, (my largest class ever) and Bruce and I enjoy every minute of the youth group we help out with. This was a Thursday actually, it was a normal day and we decided to squeeze in an oil change before heading off to human video practice, an simple oil change that would test our faith in what we have been living for almost 2 years now.

The service man refused to change our oil due to leaking oil that was from a bad head gasket. He continued on as my head started to spin and somewhere in the conversation I heard ".....our engine would explode". Pretty dramatic I thought for a guy who changes oil everyday. He then ended the conversasion quoting us something in the thousand dollar range and ended his dramatic speech with, "...you might as well get a new vehicle". Wow, this was so much for Bruce and I to process, we drove out of the station quietly, all the while Zach asking from the back if we were going to church now.

My mind immediately went to the savings account we had been working on and thankful of it, but concerned it may not be enough. I was so thankful that we have been faithful in tithing, giving and faithful stewards in our finances. It was at that moment that I remembered the deed I signed with Bruce that gave all our earthly possessions to the Lord, at that moment I remembered, it's GOD'S VAN. He gave us this van, He keeps this van running with 138,000 miles on it and He will have HIS, way. What HIS way is at the moment remains a mystery, but I am trusting and doing what I know to do. Bruce is seeking advice from our accountability parntners and we are both in prayer for direction.

Surprisingly, we really don't want another vehicle. The van may not be a show stopper, but when I get to heaven, I really won't care anymore that I drove a purple minivan on earth, now will I? So, I am praying the we can afford to get it repaired, BUT praying that I will trust in what GOD wills done with HIS VAN.

Thankful for the Resting Place

2011-02-23T17:43:00.000-05:00

It was 2 years ago now that Bruce and I had reached the bottom, life was full of stress and unrest. I remember at one point falling to the floor in the kitchen after receiving more awful news and crying endlessly, not sure if I would make it another day.

I sit here now, a life at peace, finances secure, a beautiful home, a baby on the way and endless other blessings which would take too long to list, ah, peace sweet peace. I never thought back then that this day would ever come, but my Father is so full of grace and mercy, He allows the worse to happen for our good and then still permits blessings to flow after all of the disobedience, simply amazing. I am so thankful, not only for my heavenly Father, but for all the people that helped us get here, who encouraged us along the way. Sometimes I just want to pinch myself, is it for real, do I really deserve this? No, absolutely not, but that is what is incredible about serving our God!

So for everyone there that is at life's bottom, don't give up, don't give in, don't let go, just hang on a little longer! He is so faithful even in the darkest moments, He sees the ending, or your new beginning, keep breathing and believing!

33, Expecting and a New Year

2011-01-08T23:49:00.000-05:00

The new year has come and despite all the morning sickness, exhaustion and headaches, I am excited. I can't wait to hold my baby for the first time, I love him so much already.

As I turn 33, it doesn't bother me because I believe woman get better with age. :) I feel like I enjoy myself more, my maturity, growth in the Lord and just like myself better. :) Am I perfect? Nope, but I will keep striving to be more like Jesus.

Zach has been very trying of late. Maybe that is due to the fact that I am resting so much there is not much time spent together because I am so tired. I am so glad for my hubby, I can't see myself doing it alone.

Drama class has begun again and I have the largest class I have ever had! I am so excited and truly grateful for how much the Lord has blessed this area in my life, my class size has doubled!!

So, that is here in Virginia, I love my Father so much for all His blessings and am thankful for our life just the way it is - I LOVE it!!

Goodbye Coffee, for the next 9 months

2010-12-16T17:23:00.000-05:00

I am so very happy and pleased to say that I am with child! It is the PERFECT time for us too, with Zach being potty trained and stability surrounds us, we are more than ready! As for me and coffee, we are on a 9 month break as coffee makes me sick when I am with child, very sad. :(

I am asking each of you to say a special prayer over my pregnancy, as my last one was with great complications. I do believe this WILL be a full term pregnancy, but I do ask for constant prayers for me.

I have been pretty sick and very exhausted, but I am so excited! YEAH!!!!! SO HAPPY! Oh yeah, and I am hoping for another boy! :)