Eric with a C

February 1st & Rainy

2012-02-02T12:38:00.000-08:00

Testing... testing...

The first cancer checkup of the new year is here (if we don't count the annual skin screening back in January) and so far it's been a breeze. Appointments that were supposed to last until 12:30pm actually wrapped up around 10:00am and now I get to sit around and wait for the appointment with Dr Lewis. I wrapped things up so quickly in fact that I got to the main building with the Chick-fil-a in it's cafeteria too early and they weren't serving yet. Nuts.

They encourage playing dress-up here.

For now the periodic tests I get are just x-rays of my hand from three different perspectives, front and side chest x-rays and an ultrasound of my left hand and armpit. Pretty basic stuff. I'm sure I've mentioned it before but they use a warmed gel for the ultrasound which I'm assuming is probably the same stuff ladies with child probably experience in their appointments. It has as unique odor to it I'm still not sure how to adequately describe. It's a benign sort of smell that for some reason leaves me with an impression of feigned organic material. At the same time it seems like it almost has a light floral scent but one that is hard to identify. In any case, I'm not it's number one fan. It's not horrible but it winds up being my left side's deodorant for the rest of the day and when you feel like you might smell like someone's grandmother there's a certain amount of unease that comes with that. Then again I could just be imagining things. Why didn't I remember to carry a can of Axe with me?

The time drew near and I realized I'd been sitting in the lobby for a little too long and now had to rush to grab some lunch from the Anderson Cafe. Of course it was also the height of lunchtime and everyone and their mother and possibly one other person in their support group was also at lunch. I grabbed a sandwich, some nuggets, and a bag of chips; there was no place to sit. While walking around looking for a seat I popped nuggets in my mouth until finishing them. At that point I gave up, chucked the tray and headed towards the elevator eating along the way. Thank goodness for fast food. As I stepped into the elevator right after one other lady, I reached to push the button for the 9th floor but noticed it was already lit. "What a coincidence!" she remarked with a smile. I was still stuffing my face with the original chicken sandwich 9 out of 10 cows prefer us eat and, realizing it might be considered rude to do so, I committed another faux paux of manners. "I should have known better than to try and go to lunch at 12:30; that place was packed..." I said it with a smile that was masked by the lone appropriate act of covering my mouth with my hand. We neared the 9th floor and she asked who I was seeing, presumably on the off chance that we were actually going to the same place, "Dr Valerae Lewis" I replied. "Oh, ok" was the reply. And that was that.

After winding through the hallways to the Sarcoma Center, I finished the meal and washed it down with some water from an over-eager fountain. The waiting area was sparsely populated and I was able to check in quickly before sitting down. It was time to take down those chips. At that time a number of people started filling in and it occurred to me that now I was going to be making loud crunching noises. I am just a jerk today. With as much stealth as one can muster on a bag of Sun Chips, I took them down one by one, attempting to dampen the impact of chewing by moistening the chip in my mouth before applying the necessary force to break it apart, further chew, and then swallow. Who know eating chips could be so much work?

After that was taken care of I folded up the bag and decided to make a run to the trash and hit the restroom while I was at it. After dropping the bag in the trash I headed down the hall to the nearest facility and wound up passing by none other than Dr Lewis and a few of her colleagues. "Hi there Dr Lewis!" I said in passing. "Hello!" she replied with an smiling expression that I'm sure was one that encompassed an unexpected need remember my name that wasn't returning results quite fast enough. I made it to the restroom and washed up. It occurred to me that Murphy's Law might come into play and the attendants were probably calling my name in vain for the vitals tests that always precede these appointments. I hurried back down the hall. To my surprise I bumped into Dr Lewis again, this time with another doctor that now I couldn't remember the name of. "Where are you off to looking so busy?" Dr Lewis asked. I paused wondering if she really wanted to know the answer and also if I really wanted to reply as she was still moving down the hall and I'd have to say "just going to the restroom" pretty loudly. That would ensure most people in the Sarcoma Center would be over-informed of my whereabouts. I replied, she didn't. I don't blame her.

I got back to my waiting room seat and decided to get back to some photo editing. I opened my laptop and Murphy's Law reared it's head. "Mr Setter, blood pressure" was the call from the desk. My weight, temperature, and blood pressure were measured and I returned. The Nate Burkus Show was on on a TV on the wall, it ended and some daytime soap came on. A few minutes in some characters starting talking about how they were gay and a burly gentleman also in the waiting room fairly quickly got up and inquired about the ability to change the channel. Nothing else was on and it soon got turned to the 24hr weather channel which really is about the most unoffensive thing one can watch. It's also great to ignore and edit photos to, which I did.

After a while I got called to the room by a familiar face that I believe was the same doctor that took my stitches out but is yet another doctor I can't remember the name of. She led me in and I set up my laptop, anticipating another hour wait and some good uninterrupted editing time. The crazy thing is that the first lady doctor I'd seen (that I couldn't remember the name of) came in within 20 minutes for the pre-visit feel test of my armpit which I believe is really just a inspection of the lymph nodes. She caught a glance of a picture of the groom I was working on while he was trying to figure out how to tie a necktie. "He looks... intense" she commented. "Indeed" I replied. She finished the inspection and let me know that Dr Lewis was looking at my tests and would be in shortly.

Usually "shortly" means 45 minutes or more. I was pleasantly surprised that it turned out to be more like 15 this time. Murphy's Law had struck again. Brea had elected not to tag along for the appointments for the first time on the condition that, should bad news come in, I would not IM, text, or call her with it. If bad news came about I was to drive to the office, pick her up, and wait until the doors were closed before uttering a word. You'd think IMing you wife with a cancer diagnosis was a bad thing...

Anyhow, Dr Lewis popped in with her 3 cohorts and in great spirits. I greeted her "hello, how're you doing?" with my hand up in the air and the remark that I feel good and haven't noticed the finger growing back or anything. I was still sitting in the guest chairs with my laptop in my, well, lap. She sat down beside me and looked over at the screen. I had another photo from the wedding I was working on up. It was a shot of one of the groomsmen sitting in a hall trying to tie his tie as well. It caught a moment when the main part of it was flipping in the air and I'd rendered it in a very nice black & white. She was impressed and wanted to see more. I tried to back out of the collection I was focused on to show her some of my other favorites but in the process crashed the photo application. Nuts; back to the business at hand (pun intended).

"Everything looks clean, you're good to go!" Dr Lewis announced. Fantastic!
I mentioned that my wife would be happy to hear that and also mentioned the deal about communication of bad news if it ever came back. "You should totally text her something like --Honey, I've got some news... oh wait, I'll tell you later..." I looked up at Dr Lewis with an extremely large grin and she immediately retracted. "No, no, don't!" "That's awesome, I'm going to do it;" I said, "it's doctor's orders!" There was protesting but the seed was planted, it was going to happen in some form or another. We had had enough, possibly too much, fun so I beckoned them towards the door. "I'm sure you have actually sick people to get to, I won't waste any more of your time!" Before they left she did mention that she might have use of my photographic services for a party or something sometime and I gave her my card. That wasn't expected at all but she actually described what I do like doing. Capturing candid and semi-posed shots of real life and occasions. Coolness.

I packed up and headed out.

I did text Brea too, it went like this:
Hey baby! Oh wait, I wasn't supposed to text you...

It's good news, all clear again!

She did not murder me. The end.

Stephen Tyler would love this floor. He'd probably have a coronary event upon stepping into one of the elevators.

For all zeppelins that is...

It's been a year

2011-12-01T11:54:00.001-08:00

I've let the actual date I'm calling my "fingerversary" fly by a couple weeks ago but it has now been over a year since I became 1 guy with 7 fingers and 2 thumbs. So far the cancer last described as "Sarcoma: Favor low-grade" has remained absent and I am very grateful.

Brea & I were actually at White Sands National Monument on the actual fingerversary and it was amazing. I overdosed on photography but what can you really expect at such a stunning venue?

The other fingers are doing just fine, thanks for asking! They still talk about the missing Mr Middle but have become rather adept at getting on with daily life since his untimely demise. Halloween had them on edge a little bit as a prime haunting time but the only ghost sighting was the white plaster cast of my hand from before the surgery. Plans to carve a carrot and dress it to where it looked like a dangling, mostly severed Mr Middle never panned out which is probably just as well as there were a number of small children that may have been permanently scarred as they trick-or-treated at our house.

But today I'm blogging about something a little different. The month of my fingerversary also happens to be Movember and I've been participating. We (a team started by fellow cancer survivor Roger M.) shaved our faces clean on November 1st and have been growing a mustache to help raise money and awareness for men's health (With a concentration on cancer prevention and treatment). Several guys in our neighborhood are involved and besides Roger, Paul E. has been a boss in raising over $700 so far. Today Movember is officially over but you can still donate by visiting the website!

If nothing else, please visit this page and read up about men's health: http://us.movember.com/mens-health/
There are some crazy statistics in there to read about but it all boils down to owning your health as much as you can. Get a check-up, get to know your family history, and work towards living a healthy lifestyle in diet and activity.

I've been doing a push-up and pull-up routine lately that's helped me feel a lot better and has had some surprising results in slimming me down too. The best part is that (at least with push-ups) it doesn't require anything but yourself and a floor but it still works your core (if you do them correctly). So please, get to it brothers!

November 1st

November 23rd

So now it's December and I'm very tempted to make it Decembeard. We'll see if Brea's had enough of facial hair for a little while though. I suppose she should get a vote...

Misnomer: The Battle With Cancer

2011-09-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

People often talk about the "battle with cancer" whether it be winning or a loss but I feel like that terminology is a bit misleading. The fight against cancer is war.

You do have battles within it of course, but it can come back and attack you in the same way or potentially come at you in a totally different location or category. The fight against cancer, for those that have just completed a "successful" battle is pretty much like the Korean War. There were sacrifices on both sides, what could be done was done, lines were drawn, and there is an uneasy ceasefire. You hope it stays that way and dissipates but every now and then you might get a skirmish (what's that mole?, what's causing those aches and pains?) that usually turns out to be nothing. Still, there's always that possibility one side might launch a full offensive.

And now that I've got that thought out of the way, here's something just a little different.

So what does a check-up look like for me? These days it looks a little something like this...

6:00am
Ugh. Getting ready to head out the door and it is still dark outside. You pretty much have to leave early just in case traffic is bad and this is Houston so it will be bad.

6:30am
Google Maps seems to think traffic is light, listing the route as green. Not yellow, orange, or red... green. They must have a relative scale because most cities would consider this "stop & go" traffic.

7:41am
I just got done (4 minutes before the scheduled appointment) with the standard chest and hand X-ray. It's cool that it's first come, first serve. That helps when appointments are scheduled so close together. I'm always curious if the jitters from holding my hand in the positions they need will degrade the quality of the image but at the same time I know it is probably neglible. It's funny how sometimes I can just wear my t-shirt, sometimes I have to put a scrubs top on. For that quick 10-15 minutes, when I get to put the scrubs on, I can just about see Turk, JD, or Elliot pop in.

8:05am
Now I'm just waiting for the ultrasound. On the way up to this section of the medical center I passed a baby grand piano and tried my hand (pun intended) at it again. I may have disappointed a lady that was sitting nearby as I am not actually a pianist. :D In any case, it wasn't chopsticks or Chopin.
Ultrasounds are kind of fun but you wind up with a bunch of oddly benign-smelling goo on you. I don't know how it manages to smell both neutral and distinct at the same time but it does. One cool thing about it is that the gel they use here is typically warmed.

8:17am
Still waiting to get called in for that aforementioned ultrasound. It does seem to take longer mist times but I'm still running early.
One thing that I can't help but think about is a girl named Madeleine. I had gotten to photograph her back in March or April when a food fight was organized for her. She was diagnosed with multiple brain tumors years ago and had been beating the odds. Cancer took her yesterday. I suppose at least the fight is over and that provides some relief even in her friends and family's grief.

9:35am
Wound up starting the ultrasound a little late but it was a quick 10 minutes for the actual scan and another 15-20 for the tech and specialist to go over the images. The cool thing about the ultrasound is that the tech has always given a reassuring "everything looks good!" After checking with the doc. It's not a substitute for my primary doctor's pronouncement but it is a nice bonus!

9:45am
A quick brisk walk via the skybridge has me sitting in the Imaging Library and waiting to request a copy of the X-rays and ultrasound.

9:50am
Done until the appointment with my Dr Lewis! I need some breakfast!

This is actually Dr Lewis on a promo plaque on the first floor of the Main MD Anderson building. Hi Doc!

1:45pm
Checked into the sarcoma clinic... ok actually I got there at 1:52pm because I forgot how long it had taken to walk to Starbucks a few blocks away.... Paid co-pay. Whee!

2:00pm
Got weight, temperature, blood pressure and pulse taken. Bam! Multi-tasking!

2:45pm
Got called in to an examination room, possibly the same one that I'd come to to get my stitches taken out...

2:55pm
Visited and interviewed by a colleague of Dr Lewis, Dr Chaffey. Was told x-rays looked good and ultrasounds look great. I told him about intermittent aches and pains, got it confirmed that they were normal considering the types of activities I'm doing and what the surgery had affected. Was told Dr Lewis would be back to have a quick look herself and then we'd be all set.

3:05pm
Started playing Angry Birds app on Google Chrome to pass the time as the wireless network, while connected, wasn't delivering an internet connection. Boo...

3:10pm Noticed the wireless network finally connected with internet access and started updating this post again. :D

3:38pm
Drs Lewis & Chaffey, along with two guest doctors arrive, much to my wife's delight. She had started seriously second-guessing her choice to join me for the appointment. One of the guest doctors was a Chinese gentleman whom I'd met at my last appointment and somehow mis-communicated with as I tried to speak Mandarin and he apparently didn't understand that I was asking if he spoke Mandarin or Cantonese. The other doctor was new and from Japan. Anyhow, Dr Lewis checked out the hand, my underarm, and explained my situation to the doctors. The bottom line? I'm still left-middle-finger and cancer-free. Boo-ya.

3:43pm
Headed down on the elevator to the parking garage to get outa town. Wife, exasperated, exclaims that we just spent 2 hours waiting for the doctor to spend 5 minutes with us to tell us I'm okay. Another couple in elevator replies, "you've got our doctor?"

So there you go, that's what a check-up day looks like for me. It's a mixed bag of fun, drama, and patience development. Thanks for tagging along!

I've been thinking.

2011-09-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

Over the past couple months I've been thinking a bit about my cancer experience. Although I'm getting very comfortable with my new normal, to the point I almost feel like my 5 fingered right hand is the odd one out, there are times that I'm reminded that my left is not complete. It's kind of a joke at this point, a fun party trick of sorts. With that said, I'm starting to pull back from that mentality to some extent and it's for two main reasons.

First, there is always the chance that my battle isn't completely over. The same sort of thing could pop up again but for all I know a whole other kind of cancer could strike. It should be unlikely but of course I've considered the possibility of relapse. It's not something I like to dwell on of course, it's nice that recovery from the amputation is pretty much done and I really wouldn't mind not having to go through that again, survivable as it may be.

The second reason for pulling back a little on the more lighthearted approach is that I'm reminded often of people that had to go through much more severe treatments, lost more function, or lost their lives. It seems like I got off easy and in many ways I have. It seems like sometimes it's good to celebrate and enjoy that and other times a somber gratefulness is the way to go. Ultimately I'm able to be lighthearted about the topic because I've got hope that my life on earth is just a mist and that whatever physical ailments that arise aren't the end of the story. I hope that my outlook ultimately reveals that I really do trust that God knows what He's doing and I'm going to roll with it whether it looks good or bad to anyone here. I don't really know anything other than that, as much as I try to learn or understand. I am clay and am in the process of being used for something whether I realize what it is or not.

Of course this doesn't mean I'm not still going to have fun with this whole thing but it needed to be said that it's not all fun and games and I realize that. The next checkup is coming up soon so hopefully I'll be able to report more good news in a few weeks!

A-ok B-fine with me. C you in three!

2011-06-22T17:33:00.000-07:00

This was me at my last checkup and the diagnosis was clean. What's it going to be this time?

So I got my results from yesterday's tests and they called me a fatty... sort of.

The ultrasound revealed some "fatty lymph nodes" that are *not* metastatic. The chest and hand x-rays came back clean as well so... drum roll please... Eric without a C it remains!

Brea & I waiting for Dr Lewis to give me the once over and proclaim my status.

Same hand, just a different day.

Kinda looks like a record in the left side ther doesn't it? I got the music in me baby.

This kinda looks like an alien face winking at me... creepy. ultrasound...

Testing... testing... 1 2 3... Am I still cancer free?

2011-06-21T11:09:00.000-07:00

Welcome yet again to another episode of Do I Have Cancer!

Today we'll be testing to find out whether "Eric with a C " is actually still Eric without the C." On the docket are the standard hand and chest x-rays, blood work, and an ultrasound of my lymph nodes, exciting stuff! If guessed correctly, contestants win.... absolutely nothing but the satisfaction of having guessed correctly.

What a crappy game show.

Still, it's fun to be regularly scanned and studied although not as much as folks on dialysis or business travelers that fly wearing turbans. I do not envy them.

On a much happier note, some relatives of mine who were also affected with cancer got featured in an interview with the Anchorage Daily News up in Alaska. I didn't even know they were up there but Alaska is a pretty cool place from what I hear, no pun intended.

"From Virginia Garner's pay-it-forward perspective, clinical research saved her life, which made it her duty -- her honor, really -- to help fund further research in the quest to cure leukemia.""

They're up there for the 2011 Mayor's Marathon which raises money for cancer research and I know they've been promoting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Foundation for some time now. I need to get off my butt and do a 5k or triathlon for the cause too but as of the moment, I'm yet to contribute much more than my time and experience.

The photos I've included in this post are actually of a WaterNow benefit concert I got to be a part of a few weeks back on the day before Memorial Day. Does that count for something even though it's not cancer related? I sure hope so! :)

Top Ten: The Cool Side of Cancer (for me)

2011-05-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why but I just got the inspiration to do this. Just call me David Eric Letterman.

#1 I got "The Cancer Card"
Having lost my man card on weekly basis, never having been given a race card, and having found normal decks of cards largely useless to me, the cancer card was a wonderful gift to keep in my pocket for emergency situations.

#2 Chicks dig scars
Yup, thanks to cancer, I got a pretty wicked one right on my hand. I'm pretty sure my wife now loves me at least 238% more than she did before I got it so I count that as a win. A good portion of cancers seem to require some sort of surgery which means, to some extent, you're getting a sweet fleshy souvenir for your troubles.

#3 Association with fighting
Who doesn't like sounding tough? Cancer is a cruel mistress and you do have to fight it and makes you, yup, a fighter! How cool is that? Very.

#4 Association with surviving
Surviving is equally as cool because you freakin' survived. I'm not sure if you knew this but cancer kills so escaping that is kinda a big deal.

#5 You get incentive to get busy livin'
Granted, if you're a little shy and your extreme sports budget is low, or if you don't want to jump from the cancer train right onto the diabetes train with overindulgence you might get a slow start but still.... talk about a jolt of adrenaline! Who knows if that sneaky crap will come back or get ya? While you can you want to live and do it well. That's a plus in my book. Just watch out for procrastinitis...

#6 You can make up fun stories when people ask you about your scar
You can lead them down intricate fabrications that sound awesome and then when you break the truth to them at the end, the story is still awesome! Very fun with people you've just met or kids. :-D

#7 Getting to have regular checkup appointments makes you sound important
Sorry, I'm going to be out of town for an appointment... That's almost like having a private jet or helicopter to head out to investor meetings or project inspections. That's big league son!

#8 Everything that people say might give you cancer scares you a little less
Pfff, been there done that. What's that? coffee might give me cancer? Sun? Sunscreen lotion? Cell phones? Water bottles? Smiling babies? The cure for cancer might give me cancer? Whatever, just throw it in the corner with my other cancer. Pansies... I know this crap.
Ok, in reality you might be more aware and take some precaution, but the mystique is pretty diminished.

#9 Veterans and war stories
Ever seen Saving Private Ryan or Band of Brothers? Have a relative that has war buddies? That's a pretty cool bond and you get something in the same family when it comes to the battle with cancer. You get a whole community that better understands the nutty medical terminology, knows why margins are so important, and is also largely numbed to the sticker shock of medical bills. Shoot, we even share similar injuries with actual soldiers and the main difference is that the people that took our body parts were probably not actually trying to kill us.
By the way, thank you service men and women for the very difficult tasks you do for us everyday!

#10 You get to see who has mushy feelings for you
Yeah, this could go both ways. Eww, gross, emotions and junk... But still, beyond the embarrassment of being cared for it is pretty amazing to see people come out of the woodwork to support you or let you know they at least empathize with a difficult situation. It's actually pretty huge to get good support so if you know someone who's been diagnoses, give 'em some love!

Cancer gave me a metronome.

2011-05-17T12:52:00.000-07:00

...or at least heavily subsidized it.

Don't get me wrong, I still think cancer is still a heck of a jerk, but at least it seems to be trying to make amends. A week or so ago, my friend/neighbor/fellow cancer survivor and thrive-er Roger and I went to a Live Strong focus group that was aimed at finding out what the needs of the young adult cancer community are. As a thank-you for our time, we got a gift card. Now, thanks to that thank-you, I'm the proud owner of a combination tuner/metronome which will help out especially with all the non-free-jazz I'm playing these days.

Upon second thought, it wasn't actually cancer that gave me that tool it was the nice folks at the University of Texas and LiveStrong. Stupid cancer...

I suppose if I wanted to get philosophical about this it would be possible...
Getting cancer acted as a sort of indicator of mortality and set an updated rhythm for my life. It hurried up the pace of things in it's own way. I now have scheduled checkups in regular intervals, much like a beat, it can tell me to hurry up or slow down depending on what happens, and it is sort of always beeping in my head any time I look at my hand or feel something odd there. Yes, cancer and this metronome thing do go hand in hand, pun intended (although seriously, I don't need any more hand cancer).

The scar is looking really good and depending on how light hits it and how I'm holding it, you might not even see it. The only thing that is curious to me at the moment is when and whether the surgical clips are going to make their exit. There are 5 in there still and I wonder if they're contributing to the pains that occasionally present themselves. We'll see what happens but for now I'm just rubbing in some SPF15 moisturizer to both protect the scarred skin and perhaps grease up these clip's exit.

Operative Report

2011-05-10T12:33:00.000-07:00

This is definitely coming a bit late in the game but I just found and read my operative report. Basically it is what it sounds like. It describes the patient, the reason for the operation, how they did the surgery, and what the results of it were. I have Roger to thank (yet again) for letting me know about that reports probable existence and I just found and read it. It's pretty cool to get the details of my procedure, even though my understanding of the terminology is not quite there. It really does get quite dense, and I'm not implying stupidity. Here's an excerpt...

Dissection now revealed the remaining attachments between the volar plate, the deep intervolar plate, the transverse metacarpal ligament and perosseous bands of the palmar fascia and proximal portion of the flexor tendon sheath. These attachments were then divided sharply and the amputated specimen was removed.

Ok, maybe it's just the terminology that make's it fly a little over my head but still, wow.

Anyhow, among other things it did list the before and after diagnosis officially as "UNCLASSIFIED MESENCHYMAL NEOPLASM, FAVOR LOW GRADE SARCOMA", they also showed that I had minimal blood loss and no complications. Yay!

Interestingly enough, my receding hairline somehow got a mention in another report but otherwise they seem happy that I'm an alert and apparently healthy adult male. My wife is pretty happy about that too. :)

Back in the Saddle

2011-04-27T10:42:00.000-07:00

Progress!

When you're riding a bike using no hands, missing a finger doesn't matter.

The newest conquest in the world of amputation recovery is actually riding a mountain bike on an actual mountain bike trail! Sure I'd jumped on a bike or two within the past couple months but it was only for little test rides and only on pavement. This of course excludes the incident that occurred after I'd changed the inner tubes on Brea's bike, forgot to re-engage the brakes, took it for a quick sprint down my street, realized I couldn't brake, and then wove back and forth up hill and on some grass to slow down and stop. We're excluding that. No, this time my neighbor, friend, and biking enthusiast Joe let me join him and some other friends at a trail I'd never been to before. After realizing after the fact that my tires needed inflation and my chain desperately needed some lube and stretching, the bike was set, but was I?

Heading out on the trail one sensation struck me as odd. While navigating down a rocky portion on a slight curve, the bike was needing to be controlled pretty heavily to stay on course. As my grip tightened, one of the rubber nubs dug into the bundle of nerve terminations where my finger used to be, causing a rush of feeling that conjured the muscle memory of my finger for few moments. It just felt like the finger was there and tingling in a strong, but not painful way. That may have also primed me for another realization. Apparently I used to use the middle finger to rest on the brake lever in terrain like that so that I'd be able to maintain maximum grip on the handlebars while still having a method to ease on the brake as needed. In order to achieve that now, I'm relying more on just my little and ring finger with the pointer reaching for the stopping device. When your bike is wanting to jerk around, grabbing the brakes accidentally (and full force) has a high likelihood of flipping you over the handlebars, and you are relying on some digits not used to the responsibility, it can make a fellow nervous. Thankfully, no actual disaster occurred and those obstacles were navigated without incident.

It was about a 5 mile course and that was about all my legs could handle at the pace I was attempting. Even though I'd been able to swim a bit, my cardio wasn't quite there and probably more importantly, my legs had been on vacation from that sort of activity for too long. That said, it was a great start!

That ride led to discussion of other opportunities and Joe mentioned a place just north of our neighborhood that we could actually just ride to. I checked it out and headed out there Monday and was very pleasantly surprised. It wasn't anywhere near as technical as trails we have been used to but it is a good place to just ride and it's close which is a huge plus. Since it was a scouting ride, I had my camera and took a few pictures along the way. I think I found a few places that will be great for portraits when the opportunity presents itself.

So I am back in the saddle, however unfit, and ready to ride! It had been too long...

Cancer free for another 3 months!

2011-04-18T15:33:00.000-07:00

Hey all! So far it seems like the treatment of removing the finger entirely did the trick! The most recent battery of tests came back clear so needless to say, that's good news! My problem of saying things that should go without saying, however, continues. I suppose you can't win 'em all.

Anyhow, things are going well with the recuperation. Strength is still returning to the hand and it's not quite as much a struggle to hold things like drum sticks tightly and securely. I have, in returning to and diving more deeply into normal activities, had a bevy of new phantom sensations that make life interesting from time to time. The odd sensation of heat, itching, and sometimes some minor pain have made debuts to a lukewarm reception, much like 65% of movie releases these days. My personal favorite was the burning sensation that came up while holding a hot plate with a potholder. My hand was totally protected but somehow the phantom finger got the idea it may have been burned while gripping the plate. Go figure. I always did have a pretty good imagination though.

I got to speak to a guy who'd had his lower arm amputated after a car accident and he mentioned the phantom sensations don't really go away in his experience of 10-15 years. It's funny the new connections you can make just by missing a visible body part. In any case, it was good to talk to someone who was also pressing on despite that nasty little setback.

This blog was started to help chronicle my experience with having cancer but the cancer seems to be gone and I'm quite grateful for that. Now I'm finding myself on the sidelines as friends like my neighbor Roger battle it. He recently had his recurrent brain tumor removed and is doing remarkably well, now just trying to re-train his brain to get his foot moving again. We got to go to a Round Rock Express baseball game just a couple weeks after his surgery which was great fun if not slightly dangerous as we were sitting in foul ball range. No need to knock that noggin' any more.

One other thing that happened recently (that is cancer related) is that I got to photograph an event for a young girl who's battling an aggressive brain cancer. I was invited by a friend who is with Young Professionals for the Cure who organized the whole thing. What was the event? A food fight. Yep, a food fight, and it was rockin'! You can check out her story and more at her website at http://www.madeleinesgift.org/

My coverage of the event can be found here.

So yeah, good times in the midst of some crazy stuff! It's great that people are fighting, supporting, and having fun in the midst of the trial that is cancer. I will say that in these listed experiences the positive has come out of groups & individuals that are focused on things beyond this life. Hope is something that you can't buy and thankfully it's been generously gifted to a lot of us.

My two cents

2011-03-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

My two cents are on the ground at McDonalds; the one at Austin's infamous "Y."

Why?

Because there's a gap in between my fingers on my left hand that just doesn't close tightly. While this is the first actual incident of this sort, it was anticipated. It will probably happen again too. It's the sort of thing that just does and unless I move back to a country where the driver is on the right side of the car, my left hand will, more often than not, be what is reaching out of the car at drive-through windows for change, ketchup, sugar, etc. Coins are sure to be falling for years to come, I just hope it doesn't exceed two cents an occurrence.

Those two cents are still lying on the ground at that drive through as far as I know. I used to collect pennies because they were usually what a kid could find on the ground and unclaimed. Now they apparently cost more to make than they're actually worth as currency. Don't get any ideas about selling the monies for material, I'm pretty sure that's still a federal offense...

That reminds me of an article I read recently about how it would save the US government tons of money to switch to dollar coins entirely, but that's something that would better be discussed on my other blog, News/Reviews/Opinion.

Swim Swam Swum

2011-03-01T22:34:00.000-08:00

Interesting factoid, for those who are curious, one can swim straight with two disproportionately sized hands. I'm not sure about the physics of the matter, perhaps I was able to auto-correct like an airplane down one engine, but I was able to swim freestyle yesterday afternoon and even stay in my half of the lane.

Yesterday marked the first major attempt at proper normal exercise since the whirlwind of the surgery and recovery. Sure I'd been able to play the drum kit and hand percussion, help move and carry things, and hike in to a campsite with loads of firewood and equipment, but nothing like trying to swim straight laps. It's a good thing to be sure since I was feeling pretty out of shape by my standards. It doesn't help to be out of sync with normal athletic activities and turn 30 all in the same period. But this is promising, I was actually concerned about my ability to swim and it now appears my primary hindrance is stamina and cardiovascular conditioning as opposed to the more tempting scapegoat of a missing finger. Darn.

The phantom lives on by the way. I even tried to work it into a campfire ghost story but it was not a well thought out story and some of the younger audience weren't following at all. Really it's probably for the best. The actual phantom activity is mainly presenting in tingles and mental lockups whereby I momentarily feel like the other fingers can't move because the missing one is stuck. It is still quickly resolved with a thought but I'm going to need to make sure it doesn't slip out of control. There is also still sensitivity in the area the nerves were severed. Distributed force in the palm isn't a problem but if I clap incorrectly and hit that spot it can become quickly sore or at least undesirable. I think I need to keep up with some of the stretching exercises I'd been given in OT too, there is a little tightness in the hand.

Much of the recent discomfort seems attributable to all the activities and strains the new version of this left hand is experiencing for the first time. Hopefully they're growing pains and it's muscle and tendon growing and healing further. Good times.

Discharged

2011-02-12T20:35:00.000-08:00

Well that was fun...
Thursday turned out to be my last day of occupational therapy. Macy said I was looking great and set me loose to continue the recovery without her professional services. I suppose it was time.

It's been fun getting challenged in that environment so I'll actually miss it but it does take a chunk of time and money to go, even with insurance. Instead, it's time to further explore my new normal on my own. Speaking of that... This Sunday, which is fast approaching, will see another first in this post amputation world. I get to play hand percussion on a cajon (wooden box with a snare inside that you sit on and play). Practice went well and it feels pretty good although I have some soreness in that left wrist at the moment. That could be due to any number of things but I suppose slamming it repeatedly onto a wooden box would be a smart first suspect. As with many musical instruments though, you have to develop or re-develop callouses or tolerance. It is very fun to play... :)

Finally, something I can't do. It's about time.

2011-01-30T18:40:00.000-08:00

Well it's been weeks since I posted because life has been getting back to normal and I suppose that is a good thing. I've been drumming, been painting, been photographing... Shoot, I've even been washing dishes and doing laundry again. I was getting tired of having to take Axe (body spray) baths to keep my clothes from making it seem like I was also not showering. Yes, that was a joke... :)

Amidst the healing and rehabilitation, which I'll get back to in just a minute, I've been able to explore more thoroughly this new reality I'm living. In that process some things have presented themselves as goals to strive towards, like building grip strength, and other things that might be the first real disability I've been able to identify.

It was probably first a blip on the radar while in the shower getting ready to shampoo my ever-more-sparsely-populated hair. It really became noticeable when brushing my teeth. It relates to a question you may remember I'd asked some time back before the surgery about the effect on surface area the finger removal would have. I'd been concerned that it would detrimentally affect my ability to swim in a straight line. The answer was that aside from the finger itself, the palm surface area should only shrink about a centimeter which turned out to be correct. The caveat to that is in the spacing of fingers, in part due to the lack of change in width of my palm. While my pinkie and ring/new-middle finger come together about as well as they ever have (as far as I can remember), my index and new-middle don't and that creates a bit of a gap to allow things to fall through. I felt shampoo slipping through my fingers in the shower and while attempting to cup water to rinse after brushing, I found it an exercise in futility when using only my left hand. To a lesser extent, taking change from drive-through windows also left me less than confident in being able to ensure I don't drop any coins. And there you have it.

All told, not a huge deal at all but it is what it is. Truth be told, after staring at my hands for what amounts to hours on end (collectively), the five fingered hand looks overpopulated and abnormal. Crazy I know but it may also have to do with the excessive amount of animated entertainment I've watched. It has been noted by a few friends that Simpsons, characters, among others typically have 4 fingers and as such I'm arguably in good company, or just company at the least. :D

The issue with gloves has been much of a non-issue for the most part so far. The solution has either been to simply load the sleeves with the appropriate fingers and leave the middle un-inhabited or to tuck it into the glove. Both options are largely acceptable for all purposes so far.

With regards to occupational therapy, I've been going for a while now and am actually probably nearing the end of my sessions. I'd been going twice a week and a couple weeks ago that was cut to once a week. On a visit this last Thursday that got cut to every two weeks. All areas of the incision are fully closed and the scar is smoothed out pretty nicely. While typing this up I'm yet to take updated shots of this hand showing the significant progress that has been made but I'll get that fixed up before posting.

The next round of routine tests to make sure the cancer is gone have already been scheduled and it looks like they have me on a rotation of the most expensive and intrusive tests. I'd had an MRI right before surgery, the first post-op appointments had a CT scan, and this next appointment I'll be getting an ultrasound in addition to the routine bloodwork and x-rays. My health insurance is grateful they're not doing MRI, CT, and ultrasound every time I'm sure. Heck, I'm glad.

The phantom finger has become a largely controllable phenomenon for me which makes me a blessed guy judging from some of the horror stories I've heard about phantom pains of others. The recent cold weather seemed to cause it to flair up a bit more but each time I feel it coming on, concentrating on the present fingers and moving them seems to dissipate that feeling quite quickly. It's somewhat fun to be able to turn it on and feel that sensation of pressure and tingles when I try to engage the missing digit although it seems somewhat risky to entertain it too much. Might the sensation stick and I lose the ability to turn it off? Will I lose that sensation altogether in time? It's hard to tell what would be the desirable outcome. Holding on to something that is gone has such a bittersweet and at times vastly deep impact on a person's psyche. That seems to be true of my finger but also, according to my observation, in death, lost opportunities, and even just not seeing friends for long periods of time.

The more I've thought about this experience, the more it seems I've been prepared for it. The observations mentioned above have come from personal and second-hand experiences. Moving around and not seeing close friends for long periods of time emulates death to a degree, having some opportunities come and go, some in very distressing fashion also emulate the same emotions and similar repercussions. Having faced a number of these types of situations, a degree of numbness that formed due to the previous experiences helped buffer the blow of what could have been something that would have stung sharply. It's good to know that in the middle of the hurricane of seemingly nonsensical pain and change that God has ways to weave a silver lining that actually overcomes the cloud itself. It seems like that's always the plan.

There is a sweetness to suffering, not that I know it all that well. The stuff I have gone through provided enough of a glimpse that I think I've got a decent idea of it though. There are great times and there are tough times, there's room for it all.

All that about troubles and ups and downs reminds me of something...

In a recent conversation the concept of karma came up from an individual who was expressing his diminishing belief in it. The whole concept of things coming back to reward or condemn deeds is attractive because of it's proximity to the truth. However, at the same time, its distance is noticeable and reveals itself in time through experience. My personal belief as a subscriber to biblical doctrine leads me to belief in reciprocation of deeds to an extent but via the hands of God and not necessarily in my lifetime. While good or bad deeds may or may not be judged and acted on within the course of any affected party's lifetime, the consequences of actions are always dealt with. The difference between what I believe and karma is that it doesn't matter whether I experience the effects of it. I simply trust God will judge and enact justice and mercy as He sees fit. Given that He's far more capable of handling things than I, it's a good and comforting thing to be able to rely on that and just work on our relationship. Of course this is a tough thing to get into with someone who doesn't share the same beliefs but it rings true to me.

I don't know why that came up but it did. Oh, lookie there, it's 2am... that explains it.
Not to negate those preceding thoughts but I think late night blogging is similar to dreaming which is often acts like one of those warehouses that wreckage is dumped in to be sifted, sorted, and re-assembled to make sense of it all. Blogging tends to be more coherent as it is done with all cognitive functions while dreaming trends to the more bizarre. Nonetheless, with both you wind up with piles of thought that are sometimes related and sometimes not all in the same arena. So there you have it, goodnight. :D

51 Days of progress

2011-01-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

Two things happened this morning, the 51st day since the surgery: #1 was that I set up my drum kit and played it for the first 9-fingered time. #2 was I was able to clip my fingernails normally without having to resort to wedging the clippers between my knee and left wrist to get the needed torque. So yeah, it's been a pretty good day. It really is the little things...

YouTube video of this session.

My ring finger is still the one that needs the most work to recover it's mobility and really it might very well need to exceed it's former benchmarks given it's former neighbor finger is no longer with us. the surface is healing up nicely but the internals are still probably about three-fifths healed. Gripping the drum stick with that hand, while possible, didn't feel completely natural although I can hardly complain. It was the 1st time to try playing and the 2nd time I tried holding drumsticks post-op. It is a start and that's what I was shooting for.

Macy, my occupational therapist, actually did assign me that project (drumming, or trying to at least) as part of my therapy as we try and figure out what I am having trouble doing that I'd normally but up to. That will give us things to focus on and work towards. At the moment I'm working on scar-management and range of motion through everything from massage to squeezing and working thera-putty. Good times.

I'm trying to get back to normal except that normal isn't normal. At the beginning of all this I was just setting out as a self-employed artist/photographer and a lot was still needing to be learned and set up. I'm still trying to get my financial records in order and still trying to figure out my primary concentration. Business has been steadier than it's ever been though it will constantly need to being growing to actually make it to a point where I have a proper salary. But that has nothing to do with cancer and little to do with the recovery process so I'm shutting up about that now. :D

X-ray of the hand from an angle. The little lines are surgical clips that hold tissue together.

The next period of "Eric with a C" is going to be monitoring to hopefully confirm that the surgery was successful in cutting off the cancer before it got anywhere else. Aside from the quarterly checkups I'll need to go in for, we're also taking advantage of the MDA resource to get checked for any skin cancer since it's just smart to do so. There's no reason to think I have it but whenever you get one type, it just seems like it would make sense to make sure there's not some other lurking around the corner. If there was hopefully this would help nip it in the bud.

So there you have it, that's what's going on. It's a brand new year, the year of the 9 for me, it's kind of like a new type of birthday without all the cake and presents. Here's to new challenges and new opportunities to keep us busy and out of trouble!

Long time no see!

2010-12-22T05:43:00.000-08:00

It has definitely been a while since I've had the time to sit down and write about what's been going on which is a pretty good indication of how things have been going.

December has seen an art show, an assignment shoot, a portrait, a wedding, a bunch of church events and friend get-togethers and frankly, the hand hasn't been much of a hindrance which is fantastic! The phantom feelings have subsided as a pervasive experience and now are more of an occurrence when I try to make a fist or am doing something that normally would include that finger. Just the other day I was holding my phone to my ear with the left hand and it seemed like the missing finger was holding it at the top to stabilize. Madness.

Occupational therapy has started and is going well. Macy, the therapist , is a fun torture artist that's been taking care of my gimpy finger and hand and that deserves further explanation.
It all started out with a look-over of the situation. My hand was pretty stiff, the pulled-together skin where the stitches were was scabby in some places and soft others, and my upper palm was crazy sensitive. There were tests on current flexibility forwards and backwards and all that, but it turns out OT also involves scar management. Apparently that involves digging out scabs so tissue can grow together deeper and move up to the surface. Given my hand was essentially split open, it goes pretty deep. Of course they stitched it together inside as well but the surface scabs apparently went down a few millimeters as well in some places. That had to get dug out if it could. That was not fun.
For added emphasis, that was not fun.
But Macy digs it. Pun intended. Now she may "like" it in the sense that she has to do it and therefore is using the power of positive thinking in the same way that I using laughing while having tweezers poke and pull at super-sensitive areas. In any case, in one of the first couple sessions she got to cleaning up the incision areas and it was far from pleasant. Oh the company was fine, and afterward it was fine, but... well I've already made my point.

The cool thing is that it works.

The hand is much more flexible, the incision is healing up really well, and the sensitivity has gone down drastically. I still get what feels like an electrical pulse up the phantom finger whenever I press into my upper palm around the cut line but that is entirely tolerable and either I'm just used to it now or it's not pain.

So I'm wearing some tape and what looks like blue silly tack most of the time these days to massage the scar and keep it from bunching together which would look bad and limit movement. I'm also wearing a splint of sorts during the night to help bend back my fingers to improve flexibility there. Lots going on. (PS. Just noticed that spacer/massager smells terrible now that I've been wearing it for a few days. See image to right.)

Today is the first battery of tests at MD Anderson since the surgery and so far I've already breezed through blood work and my hand and chest x-rays. Currently I'm awaiting the CT scan, and then... well then I can eat. I'm starvin' here. Pro: All tests and meeting with the doc on one day. Con: Had to be here at 7am. Ok, there's another pro... Chris & Courtney were awesome yet again and let us drive in last night and crash at their place which is a very doable 10 minutes from the center. In Houston traffic that's amazing. Shoot, in most places that's amazing. :)

So yes, I should be getting called in to get my IV started sometime soon-ish, then a little later I'll get called in to actually get scanned. Hopefully all this will reveal things are hunky-dory and we can go on our merry way. Could this be Eric without a "c"? Could this blog title be erroneous? Am I now a liar? A seller of counterfeit wares? Hopefully... In this case anyways. :D

The Phantom

2010-11-30T11:45:00.000-08:00

Hello again! I'm not dead, I'm just being haunted by the ghost of finger past which is actually fairly manageable. As I type this I'm using both hands at varying degrees of proficiency. Let me tell you it is really stinkin' weird.

The past several days I've been off pain medications completely which may explain the spike in feeling the finger that is not. My senses are apparently so familiar with the ghost digit that my brain is still trying to press keys with that finger. This blog is actually the first time I've tried typing properly with all the fingers I do have. Previously it's been just my thumb or pinkie for various letters or pressing the shift button. Cool. :)

The sensations are sometimes tingling, sometimes normal movement sensations, sometimes the feeling that it is asleep, and sometimes it just throbs a bit. It is intermittent but more frequent, again probably correlating with more mobility and lack of pain inhibitors. Touching the remaining fingers usually helps clear the ghost but it doesn't always and usually not for very long. As I try and move my fingers, I'm sometimes stopped by the missing digit which is quite an odd feeling indeed. It's like my brain and other fingers are sensing the oddity and trying to send alarms through the nervous system. They're probably thinking something along these lines:

Index: Hey! Dudes! Something's funky over here!
Ring: Man you're right! I'm feeling it too!
Pinkie: Huh?
Thumb: Something is up with Middle?
Ring: Yeah, I think he fell asleep.
Index: Probably. Strange I'm wide awake though. Ring, why don't you nudge him?
Ring: Ok. [nudge]
Index: Woah Ring! I said nudge *Middle*.
Ring: I did!
Index: That was me!
Ring: Whaaaaat? No way!
Index: Yes way!
Ring: Holy crap... where's Middle???
Index: [blank stare]
Thumb, Pinkie: [confused side glances]
Ring: Seriously, where is he???
Index: I, I have no idea... I thought he was under that bandage...
Thumb: That's what I thought too...
Pinkie: So... I'm getting a promotion right?
Ring: How can you think about promotions at a moment like this?!?!?
Pinkie: Sorry...
Nerves: Hey guys! What's all the yelling about?
Index: Middle is missing!
Nerves: No he's not. He's moving right now!
Ring: No man, we're all still...
Nerves: Whaaaat?!? Are you sure?!?
Index: We're sure dude... Ohmygosh, Ohmygosh, I'm freaking out man!
Ring: You're freaking out?!? Dude, It feels like Middle is *inside* me!!!
Thumb: This is creeping me out...
Nerves: Woah, I must me losing it... I don't know what to say. Let me get with Brain. Be right back.
[nanoseconds pass}
Nerves: Wow. Ok. Guys?
Thumb, Index, Ring, Pinkie: Yeah???
Nerves: You're not going to believe this... Middle got axed, he's gone.
Index: Gone?
Nerves: Dead.
Ring: Dead?
Nerves: Dead. That 2nd surgery was to remove Middle completely, not just that annoying bump that was causing us trouble.
Ring: Why didn't anyone tell us about this?
Nerves: Brain said he told you...
Index: That actually does sound somewhat familiar now that you mention it...

Anyhow, that's kinda what has been going on there. I'm still trying to keep it elevated when possible but it doesn't seem to make much of a difference in the phantom pain department which makes sense since there's actually nothing there to feel pain. :D
So far so good on the typing though! I'm trying to make a fist to grip but that's still difficult without using my right hand to bend the fingers down a bit. My upper palm is still sensitive so I'm being careful with it. It really does feel like I can't close my fist because my brain is thinking the middle finger is in the way somehow. It's like my middle finger is sticking straight up with a bar connecting it to my ring and index finger at their first knuckles. Just as strange is that when I do get the fingers down, it feels like my middle is still sticking straight up, flicking something off. Sorry...

So yes, that's how things are going at the moment. The phantom stuff is still more tolerable than those headaches and stuff I'd been dealing with a week ago so this feels like progress. Brea gets a little creeped out when I mention this stuff so... sorry honey!

I'm trying to get moving with my business stuff again, self-employed people have terrible worker's compensation. Maybe we should have signed up for Aflac after all. Captain Hindsight to the... well, actually He doesn't rescue much... He's sometimes rescues the future I guess... Oh whatever. Really we're in pretty good shape at the moment. I just hate not being a meaningful contributor. There is a time for everything though.

http://oneseventwo.com and the corresponding Facebook page are where I'm directing my efforts at the moment. It's been cool that I've been given opportunities to take full advantage of the broad scope that "arts & photograhy" allows. Weddings, portraits, industrial, painting, casting, music, and even some graphic art design. Right now I'm working on selecting things to print and display at an art show Andrew Minnick is hosting. It's set for Saturday, December 11 · 10am - 6pm @ 6102 Cherrylawn Circle, Austin, TX. That's my shameless plug for the day. :D

The Week (or so) After

2010-11-24T19:31:00.000-08:00

Wow. This past week seemed like a month.

It couldn't have helped that I was on hydrocodone & tylenol while still dealing with head area pain that may mean a trip to the dentist is overdue. Oddly enough I never felt "high", I just knew I wasn't at 100%. The volume of travel also surely contributed.

We got home from MDA last Wednesday and on Saturday drove up to DFW to see an Aussie friend I hadn't seen in ten years as well as go to a Dallas Stars hockey game together (thanks Andrew!). That was after we grabbed some texan steak and toured Daley Plaza to see the grassy knoll. It was an awesome time but I wound up developing a 101F fever that night that prompted a call to MDA. Thankfully it seemed unrelated to my hand and after a restless night, it dissipated later on Sunday morning. I took it pretty easy as a precaution and though we went out for BBQ (thanks Mom & Dad!), upon getting home I was back on the floor resting. After that it was time to return our friend to DFW and then drive back to Austin ourselves. For those not familiar, both MDA in Houston and the DFW airport are about 3.5 hours straight driving one way and that is all on Brea at the moment. I've felt somewhat out of it but it's probably just this temporarily diminished capacity in comparison to what I'd normally be doing.

Before I forget, upon arriving home for the first time after the surgery, we were surprised by something my sister had organized. A bunch of people had submitted encouragement notes which she wrote down and rolled up on strips of paper which were put in a bunch of balloons. Those balloons were then put on our bed for discovery. I still haven't read them all but I did have some fun popping them. Thank goodness no one called the cops, I think I'd left the window open... :D

It has been a story of stints of doing what I can, resting, and figuring out what I can't do at the moment. For example, it is possible to clip your right hand's nails without using your left hand. It isn't possible (not easy at least, within a few minutes) to zip up a certain sweater/jacket.
It is possible to shower your good side's underarm without using the opposite arm or some bathing apparatus. It is not currently possible to make a fist. Good thing I haven't had the need to punch anyone with my left hand. :)

I was off pain meds on this past Wednesday but went back on lightly after getting my stitches out. Oh yeah, my stitches were taken out Wednesday. A funny story goes with that too. We were on our way to MDA for the first post-op checkup that aforementioned day when the need arose to make a pit stop. We pulled into a KFC and Brea ran in to use the facilities. I went in and ordered some snackers, was joined by Brea, and we got our food after a couple minutes. We picked up our bags as we needed to eat on the go to stay on schedule for our 2pm appointment. Brea then turned to me and asked if I had the keys. I did not. I wasn't sure why she was asking me. After patting myself down to make sure she hadn't snuck them in my pockets somehow, it was sinking in. She checked where she'd been and her own pockets to no avail. The keys were in the car, the car was shut tight. I quickly found a locksmith with my phone and it was looking like it would be quick and easy-ish. About 10 minutes after calling, during a call to MDA to inform them we might be a little late, I got a call back saying the locksmith had a family emergency and wouldn't be able to make it. That set off a new round of searching that wound upsetting us back another hour or so before AAA bailed us out. So with an hour to go, we got back into the car at 2:30p. Thankfully MDA was very understanding and still let us come in at 3:30p.
*Ba-dum, pshhhh*
Hilarious right? :D

Anyhow, we got seen immediately on arrival and I saw another of Dr Lewis' assistants. He confirmed I could get the stitches out and proceeded to get my current bandages unwrapped. That was the first I'd really looked at my hand post-op and the back of the hand looked pretty gnarly. Thank goodness chicks dig scars! Actually, if my finger was any indication, the scar should heal pretty well. A scar actually won't bother me, especially in comparison to, I don't know, a missing finger. :D

The stitch removal from the back of my hand went quickly and easily with minor discomfort. The palm side, while only a quarter as long, was a different story. It was painful to the touch, and there were threads being pulled through. It hurt.

Laughing releases endorphins, so I did that. However, I went back on a light dose of the heavy meds right after. It still throbs a little as I type this. They wrapped the hand with gauze that is to stay on for 3 days before I can take it off.

The drive home was uneventful (yay!), and mad props go to Brea for doing an amazing amount of driving. You have to love her. I do. :)

Of course as soon as we got home it was time to re-start preparations for Thanksgiving company. We wound up with 14 for dinner yesterday including both a South Korean and a Chinese student who were experiencing their first American Thanksgiving in an American home. It was a great time and we got to meet our newest nephew too, a cute little booger named Tristen. Not only that, we also rolled in setting up the Christmas tree. Good times with much to be grateful for. :)

one man, seven fingers, two thumbs

2010-11-17T14:54:00.001-08:00

Yes, that's right, my business name now has another tie-in to me. :D I just realized it on the drive out of Houston and was very pleased.

Typing is pretty stinkin' slow for me at the moment so this will be short(er) than it could be.

In fact , I may just post a number of photos from different parts of the past few days to make up for it.

My hand feels pretty good, all things considered. Keeping it elevated and keeping up with the pain med scheduled helps. I also find it useful to just touch and move my fingers with my right hand to control the movement delicately. The "phantom" phenomenon is at at play too which is interesting. The aforementioned touching and moving of those remaining fingers helps dissipate that phantom feeling but it doesn't seem to completely clear it. Part of it may be that I have dressing spacing my ring and pointer finger and that simulates the middle finger presence but the other part is probably just the fact I've always had that finger and there is a certain amount of muscle and sensory memory still associated with it. It seems that my ring finger is the one I'm confusing for the middle the most. It is an odd feeling indeed. :D

I am very grateful for the overwhelming show of support from all over. Friends and family and friends and family of those have been exceedingly kind and stepped up way above and beyond what I deserve. Thank you!

I will tell you that leading up to Monday and on the day, I had waves of thoughts and apprehensions about the impending surgery and it's implications. Each time though, I was reminded of all the reasons I shouldn't be worried. I'm not 100% sure if this Lincoln Brewster number is the song that came and stuck on Monday morning but I'm pretty sure it was.

I just looked up the lyrics I could remember and realized there were parts of it I hadn't consciously remembered but make it an especially appropriate song for my situation. Nice. :)

"Oh Lord my God to you I give my hands"

That was the part I just discovered, the following is what I had in my head.

"In you
In you I find my peace
In you
In you I find my strength
In you, I live and move and breathe

Let everything I say and do
Be founded by my faith in you
I lift up holy hands and sing
let the praises ring"

Rock on.

So yeah, after getting all gussied up in my stockings, hair net, and medical gown, they got my IV set. The gave me the "margarita" of anesthesia and I got a couple final kisses from my baby. I remember getting wheeled through the halls and set up in the surgical room that had all sorts of industrial-looking panels on the ceiling as well as the funky metallic solar panel dish lights (sorry, can't think of another way to describe them :D ). Soon after those observations I was out. I woke up I think in the same place I was prepped in and swung in and out of sleep which was nice. There was some pain but it was pretty easily ignored as I drifted off again. Eventually I was conscious long enough to feel the pain and I got the morphine button handed and explained to me. It wasn't knocking out the pain the first several tries so they gave me the crazy good stuff or quadrupled the dosage or maybe both. Whatever, it finally worked. Brea & Amber made it in and we got to hang out so she could make sure they hadn't maimed me too bad. :) Brea probably has this all explained better than I can in her earlier posts.

It was great to have Brea & Amber there. Then came Brian & Joy (Hatch) all the way from Round Rock, not to mention Eric (Hatch) and of course Stephanie who brought a ton of chocolate deliciousness and introduced us to Smashburger.

The staff on the 4th floor took really great care of us. Putting up with emptying bottles of urine and my half-drugged humor couldn't have been easy. There are a lot of people I'm really grateful for it turns out. :D

To close, here are links to some videos I made while at MDA as well as some pics I hadn't been able to post until now...

e with a c: video update #1a
e with a c: video update #1b
e with a c: just say no to pneumonia

Roger, Britain, and I at Sunday night's impromptu jam session. I don't know how this cool lil' dude passed out and stayed out while I was playing 'cause his head was getting jostled around. He'd been drumming with me and then sat back for a moment before nodding once and then crashing.

This was a shot taken as we prepared to head out from Chris and Courtney's Monday morning. Thank you so much for letting us crash at your place at such a crazy hour!

Waiting for Brea's sis Amber just across the Skybridge.

Holy crap! There's cancer in there?!?! Cut it off!!!

M is for morphine.

Amber checking out my sweet tv while I'm passed out. :)

Brian, Joy. and Eric... I can only imagine what Eric was saying at this point....

Apparently I had a room with a view, not that I checked it out until I was getting discharged. :D

Pain Level..about 8 :-( but we got drugs :-)

2010-11-15T14:26:00.000-08:00

As soon as I published the last post the volunteers came and got us; both Amber and I were able to go visit my adorable husband in recovery, yay! I immediately counted fingers when I got to him...they took the correct finger and only the correct finger and yes Eric did ask to be sure. We were told that we couldn't have our phones on back there but they didn't say anything about not taking a big D90 camera so I snapped some shots. I showed Eric what his bandaged hand looks like and counted the fingers and thumb for him. (I wish I could show you all now but due to techinical issues I am using a guest computer in the waiting room and can't get the pics downloaded right now, but we'll post them soon.)
Anyhow, Eric is in quite a bit of pain, just before we went back the nurse had notated his pain at about an 8 and had given him some pain medicine,I already forgot exactly what it was. He does have a morphene drip that he is using, it only takes his pain down to about a 5 or 6 when he is able to push the button. He was anxiously awaiting for it to turn green so he could press it, it made my heart sad to see him in pain but he's a trooper. I didn't know he was in pain because he complained only because he answered honestly to inquiries. We were able to stay back there for about 20 minutes or so. Just before we left she asked about his pain level again and between morphene pumps he said it goes back up to 8 so she gave him another dose of the other pain meds.
As we visited he said ice chips have never tasted so good. He was just glad to have moisture in his mouth. He made jokes ofcourse. I asked if he had been entertaining the doctors and nurses and the nurse smiled real big. He managed to hurt himself by shaking his bootie in the bed. (We were discussing a review of body parts not taken at the time, lol.) I told him he could be as silly as he wanted but not if it caused him pain. He made a little pouty face that converted quickly to a smile. He was definately groggy but even in pain and on meds he was smiling. He asked what we had been doing and I told him I spent pretty much the whole time reading words of encouragement from all over the world. Again a big beautiful smile spread across his face.
I told him the details that I shared with all of you in the last post and I think he was comforted that we finally knew a bit more about what to expect. I gave him many kisses and caressed his hair as he drifted in and out between little chats and then the nurse said we needed to let him rest.
So now we are back in the waiting room, they said it could be many hours before he is moved to a room, it will depend on his pain levels and room availability ofcourse. At 6 p.m. we can go see him again for 30 minutes.
Thank you all for your prayers! I can't express how much they mean to us. In addition to praying through the details of today I just remembered another request I would like to share. A good friend of Eric's from Australia, Andrew, is coming to Dallas this weekend. We are suppose to go meet up with him and catch a Stars game. This would be the first time Eric has seen him in a decade and it would be my first time to meet him. He was one of Eric's closest friends in Australia and this visit would mean so much to all of us so please pray that we are able to make it as planned without too much discomfort for Eric.
Love!
Brea

The Trade- One Finger for One Long Life- Done Deal

2010-11-15T12:27:00.000-08:00

So the deal has been done. We traded the finger in for life, when you think of it like that, it's totally worth it. I am functioning on very little sleep so if this blog even makes sense we will be doing good. After a slow journey to Houston last night we finally got to bed at my cousin Chris' apartment around 6 a.m. So when MDA called at 8 a.m. we got up and our brains barely even on. I called my sister and Lord led her straight to us, any of you that have encountered Ambers lack of directionality would know that her getting to MDA without getting lost or even taking a wrong turn is a miracle. Heck Eric and I couldn't even do that the first time we came :-) As we waited for Amber to meet us at the entrance Stephen and Lisa Brown walked in. Such a cool gift from God for us to have a moment with them. They have been fighting a tough battle with cancer for years now. I am so humbled that as they face their own battles they reached out to us to lend support and encouragement. If ya'll are reading this, know that you are precious and are praying for you as well. We checked in and they were ready to take him back before he could put the pen to paper on his pre-surgery paperwork. I asked the ladies at check-in when I would find out more about post-op and they looked a little confused like I should already know. I told them what I thought was suppose to happen, he gets out of surgery goes to recovery and then we go home, and they informed me that his chart had a code that indicated he not only was not an outpatient but that he was to be kept for multiple days. Hello, yet another moment of unexpected information. We didn't come prepared for a multi-day trip but that's okay, I would rather them take care of him properly than give me a doped up, chopped up husband for me to figure out how to care for. So we are to be here until he is up and walking around and taking pain meds orally. She said that could be as early as tomorrow evening but it really depends on him. The doctor was MUCH nicer today and answered all the questions my foggy head could come up with and I had her repeat some of them cause I'm so tired I was having a hard time with clarity. She says she told Eric some of the things that we didn't know, such as this not really be an outpatient surgery. I'll admit, that fella of mine is not always strong on communicating details but I really don't think he knew that, I mean he didn't bring his full camera bag people, he clearly expected to be going back home, lol! Anyhow, they took him back almost immediately. I did start to cry at that point as we walked back to the pre-surgery area. Not because I was scared but just because I hate for Eric to be going through any of this. He stayed strong though, someone suggested to me that perhaps my tears were ones he felt but was not shedding himself. I don't know about that but it sounds good, I mean we are one right. By the way, I have never seen him cry. Not one time since we have known each other. So there just might be something to that theory. As he got changed into his lovely dress and stockings I dried my eyes and we returned to laughter. I then asked if I could pray with him and warned him I was likely to cry again, he asked me to just pray silently. I did start to cry but they were happy tears. I thanked God for the wonderful husband he has given me and the amazing love we have been covered with. I know it's a bit ironic but in the last 48 hours I have found that when I pray I cry tears of joy. I hate that Eric is going through this but at the same time I can feel so much love and see so many reasons to praise God that it simply overtakes me. Anyhow, they took Eric away pretty quickly and Amber and I went to waiting area. In the waiting room I chatted with a lovely lady named Audrey from North Carolina who is here with her mother who is fighting breast cancer. She is confident they will have victory :-) It was wonderful to talk with her as we waited to hear how the surgery went. Just as so many people have been througout this whole journey she looked past her own situation and offered any help that she could in mine. Again I am humbled by the way that God has sent people into our lives to be blessings to us even in the midst of their own situations. I am terrible in that I don't think I ever offer anything in return. I mean to but I don't ever remember saying it out loud. If you have been one of those sweet angels to us know that we do desire to be their for others but in unusual fashion the words don't always make it to my mouth. I get so excited telling people how good the Lord has been to us in all of this and I don't remember everything that I say. As I sit here in reflection I realize that I need to embrace these moments to not only share of His good works but also to be His servant to others in their time of need.

Okay let me get back on track with the events of today... the surgery took about the estimated time of 2 hours. Then the doctor came to talk with us and gave me much more info on what's next so let me share that with you.

He is currently in recovery and will be until a room is ready for him. They usually don't let family see patients in recovery unless they are children but I made sure to tell them that if there is anyway for me to go see him I would really like too. I hate the idea of him waking up and not being there for him. I know he will be fine, in fact he might prefer it, perhaps he would like some time alone to just process what he has been through. She said he will wake up and be groggy but clear minded. I hope he just falls quickly back to sleep while waiting for his room.

After his room is ready we can go see him. They will let me sleep on a cot in his room which I plan to do. They said he will most likely be groggy the rest of today and perhaps even into tomorrow. How long he will stay depends on him. When he has done 5 things he can be released. Between Amber and I we think those 5 things are walk, eat, drink, urinate, and take medication orally. After he does those things we will be released to go home to Austin.

We will return in two weeks, well actually either 9 days or 16 days since she only sees patients on Wednesdays. I'm guessing it will be the 16 days. At that time they will remove the bandage and prescribe therapy. The therapy can be done locally in Austin though.

After that we will return in 8 weeks for a full screening of everything, as long as that still shows everything clean then we will just come in for checkups every 3 months.

His hand should have a bandage around the two fingers on each side of the removal site. She said in order for the scar to heal well and small that he really doesn't want to use those fingers for the next two weeks. His thumb and pinky finger will be free to dance around though.

I'm sure some silly pics will be coming soon.

Well I'm off to annoy the volunteers to see if I can maybe get back into that recovery room to give my sugars a kiss :-)

Again thanks so much for the prayers and encouragement. All day we have been recieving texts, emails, facebook posts, etc letting us know that we are in the thoughts of prayers of so many. I am so thankful for each and every one!!

Love to you all!
Brea

Bumped up

2010-11-15T06:31:00.000-08:00

It's looking like things will be starting early. There was a cancellation and I got a call at around 8:15a asking when I could be there. I said about an hour. It's go time. Lets get this over with!

Gotta run!

Peace & love homies!

Good times

2010-11-14T20:37:00.000-08:00

The time is getting closer. Houston, prepare for takeoff. Soon I'll be unable to eat or drink (plain ol water is also banned) until after the surgery which could be 2pm tomorrow. I'm also barred from using deodorant. Why, I have no idea but it'd your olfactory senses that'll be offended doc... I'll try and not get sweaty.

Today was a pretty great day actually. I got to play the kit for church, got to relax with some football, hang with some of the best neighbors ever for small group, see the Cowboys actually win a game, and to top it all off, jam out with Paul, Charis, Britain, Roger, Holly, Karen, Chris, and of course Brea. Hand percussion won't be easy with a healing hand for at least a month or two I imagine. It was good to say farewell to the finger by using it to play some stuff for the big G.

Just in case things move really quickly over the next 24 hours, I want to say thank you to all of you who have been encouraging, sending sympathies, and laughing with me at this crazy experience. It is amazing to me that there are so many people who care and I am very grateful for the many heartfelt interactions lately. It seems almost silly that all this nuttiness is over a finger. People lose fingers in accidents, people have worse troubles than I by far. It is at the same time a huge thing to face and also nearly trivial in the grand scheme of things.

I'm hanging in the balance between those two views and at this point the best way to deal with it seems to be the band-aid approach. Just get it done and get on with it. I think what makes it seem more difficult is the having to make a decision and intentionally walk into a permanent body alteration. It's not a piercing, it's not a tattoo. Roger, who is also battling cancer of a different sort and is someone I am very grateful for, put the issue into perspective. He said that it is going to be tough because it will serve as a daily, unavoidable reminder of something (cancer) that we'd like to just put behind us. You know the saying about knowing something like the back of your hand. Something that familiar is changing and it is permanent and it will pose challenges and adjustments to some common daily tasks. But hey, it's like getting a brand new toy to play around with. I'll be set for dressing up as cartoons or aliens and who knows, maybe it will actually be an asset for some tasks.

So lets do this. Game on.

Dear finger...

2010-11-14T00:51:00.001-08:00

Hey finger, it's me, the rest of your body.

How's it going? I'm doing pretty good...

So hey, it's a pretty rough economy out there and I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go. No no, I know you've tried hard and been a part of this organization for nearly three decades. No, it's not going to make a difference if you cry. Look, you look pretty ok on the outside but you're like a cancer on the inside and frankly we don't want to lose any more employees to stuff you started. I don't care if it is hereditary and you didn't have a choice, maybe you did. Look, on principle, I'd love to keep you but the fact of the matter is that you're causing trouble and we're in danger of losing one of our biggest clients. Yeah, Hasbro, the owners of Life. So yes, it is a big deal and yes you have to go. Sorry.

You and I have had some good times together though. Typing, climbing, drumming, shifting mountain bike gears... I'm sure I'll miss you but you did get me into trouble a few times too. Don't deny it! Ok, I was pretty much responsible too but you didn't have to go along with it! Jerk...

No, I don't want to end on bad terms with you. I'm sorry.

I do hope you find some new line of work. Maybe you'll find something in the medical research field. I hear they're still having to resort to amputation for a lot of sarcomas. Yeah it's a type of cancer. You're pretty smart, maybe you can lend the field some of your insight or inspire some young doctor or researcher. That'd be cool.

So yeah, clear out your things and be prepared to leave Monday around 2pm. Security will escort you out. Oh yeah, they will be wearing scrubs. Why? It's more efficient and comfortable than the other uniforms out there I guess. Probably easier to clean too. Just go quietly and it'll be ok alright? I'll see you on the flip side.

Best regards,

Me