FOCUSED4LIFE

GAME PLAN:

2013-01-19T11:43:00.000-08:00

GAME PLAN:

It is a New Year and everyone is excited to start with a clean slate! Now, I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news here but you are caring stuff over from the prior year/s into this new beginning. If you really want to get yourself setup for success as you steamroll into 2013 then you need to understand what you are carrying with you and then decided what you need this year to accomplish what you want.

CARRY OVER:

Each year people welcome the New Year as an opportunity to do some new things or at least do some things differently; go to the gym more, eat a better diet, save more money, take more vacations, spend more time with family, etc… you know what I am talking about. The thing is when people begin this new way of doing things they fail to change their thinking about the end goal they wish to achieve and their approach to obtaining their desires remains the same. We carry over from the previous year or years the beliefs about our desires, abilities, and resources needed to accomplish these so called New Year’s Resolutions. In Romans 12:2 Paul writes “Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind…”As we enter into the new year we need to come with fresh (renewed) perspective; a clean lens in which we view our approach to accomplishing our goals. If we conform to the world or to those around us we place limitations on our ability to think more creatively about how to approach our goals. Also, it is important to break out of our own patterns that have become the conditioned responses that further limit us. Some are familiar with the saying “The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” Patterns can trap and bind us making the efforts we make seem like we are truly trying to work hard toward our goals when in reality we are only doing what we have always done before (this is the Treadmill effect – working really hard and going nowhere). If you continue to do the exact same things over and over doing it harder or faster doesn’t change the fact that it is the same old process. The parable of thenew wine in old wine skins can be found in Matthew 9:17; Mark 2:22; Luke 5:37-39 the essential theme of this parable helps us to understand that if we take new ideologies or beliefs and mix them in with old beliefs we can corrupt the new understanding to the point where it can actually cause damage rather than preserve good. Year after year people set goals only to abandon them by mid February. Most of the time people are ready to pursue something new, to make some type of change but, unfortunately, they add these new desires and new ideas with their old ways of thinking and doing things, which eventually leads to failed pursuits. Paul is giving us a strategy for goal attainment in that he is saying we need to first begin with changing how we think about our goals and the beliefs we hold regarding them. Our thinking leads to beliefs, good or bad, and ultimately develops into the motivations that lead us to action. Paul was inspired by God to share this information with us; it is NECESSARY to get your thinking right before you begin to drive yourself toward any of your planned goals.

RENEWED UNDERSTANDING:

In order to renew your thinking you need to dig in for a moment and really understand what you believe about your particular end result. Here is a step by step guide to help you identify what it is you believe about your goal/s.

Identify what the goal is and write it down - Lose weight, eat healthier, make more money, take more vacations, spend more time with family, etc.
Once you have written down your goal ask yourself what you believe you will gain from achieving this goal. “I will be able to do activities that I would never have been able to do before if I lose weight”, “I will be healthier if I eat better making me feel better”, “I can afford more if I make more money”, “I will feel like I contribute more, or matter more, or I will be a good parent if I spend more time with the family.”
Identify the emotions you will feel once this goal has been achieved.
1. Happiness, fulfillment, love, contentment, accomplished, etc… you can feel more than one main emotion.
Identify which of the 6 Human Needs the goal attainment will fulfill for you (can be more than 1 so prioritize them).
1. Certainty/Comfort. We all want comfort. And much of this comfort comes from certainty. Of course there is no ABSOLUTE certainty, but we want certainty the car will start, the water will flow from the tap when we turn it on and the currency we use will hold its value.
2. Variety. At the same time we want certainty, we also crave variety. Paradoxically, there needs to be enough UNcertainty to provide spice and adventure in our lives.
3. Significance. Deep down, we all want to be important. We want our life to have meaning and significance. I can imagine no worse a death than to think my life didn’t matter.
4. Connection/Love. It would be hard to argue against the need for love. We want to feel part of a community. We want to be cared for and cared about.
5. Growth. There could be some people who say they don’t want to grow, but I think they’re simply fearful of doing so—or perhaps NOT doing so. To become better, to improve our skills, to stretch and excel may be more evident in some than others, but it’s there.
6. Contribution. The desire to contribute something of value—to help others, to make the world a better place than we found it is in all of us.
To complete the evaluation of your understanding you now need to find alternatives.
1. Look at the needs fulfilled and the emotions that are attached to the goal accomplishment. Are there alternatives to meeting the same needs and emotional responses associated with the goal attainment? If there are no alternatives and accomplishing this goal is a MUST for you then your ability to be motivated and to sustain your motivation is high. However, if you can identify 1 or more alternatives it is possible that those alternatives can pull you away from your intended goal.
2. It is very common that when people set out to meet a particular goal that they abandon that goal in lieu of something else that meets the same needs with less effort (let’s face it, we are a instant gratification society). When something is a MUST for you, you do whatever it takes to make it happen. But if you believe that the end result is optional and you do not actually need it you will quite pursuing it at the first real signs of adversity. This step is critical because you want to make sure that you are setting yourself up for success; don’t pursuing a goal that you know you will ultimate abandon a couple of months down the road. Before you begin that actual process of goal planning write down your goal and what it means to you to accomplish it. Fully describe what it will mean to you emotionally and how obtaining what you want will improve your life. Once you have completed this task then you are ready to begin the process of establishing goals that are truly attainable and sustainable.

Illustration:

Goal: To learn Spanish so that I can be more competitive in the job market.

Achieving this Goal Will: Allow me to gain a promotion at work so that I can take on the role of team leader/manager and make more money.

Emotional Fulfillment: I will feel more appreciated and needed.

Human Needs: Significant, certain, contribution, growth

Alternatives: There is another position that I can apply for with my employer and a couple of competitors that I can apply for that do not require me to speak Spanish.

Conclusion: I don’t need to speak Spanish to gain a promotion or to feel significance or certainty. To feel more significant I can volunteer at work and church and I am already certain about my current role and the financial stability in my life. If I step up my productivity then I know that I will not be in jeopardy of losing my current position.

Do I set a Goal Plan then to learn Spanish? NO – there are other ways that will assist me in meeting my needs of significance, contribution, and certainty

NEXT STEP/ GOAL SHIFT: I can Apply for the internal Job posting at work and to the other companies that I have identified. Additionally, I can look for volunteer opportunities at work and church. I can still learn Spanish but it is not a must for me.

FINAL WORDS:

In this example this person really only wanted to take Spanish for the sake of taking Spanish (which may fulfill their need for growth). The individual had a false perception that a new language skill would make them more competitive in an market that showed great opportunities for a non-Spanish speaker. In the end, they were able to save the money and time it would have taken to acquire the new language skill and it freed them up to pursue goals that would ultimately satisfy more of their NEEDS.

Clearly, this scenario was only presented as a demonstration of the process used to evaluate what your underlying motivations are. Once you have identified what you REALLY want/need then it will make it that much easier to create a direct path to getting it. Keep in mind that God wants you to have the desires of your heart (Psalms 37:4 “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.”) and he wants you to live in abundance.

The Love Debt

2013-01-14T20:58:00.001-08:00

Romans Chapter 13:8 reads "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another..." It is in the second part of this verse the "Debt to love" that I would like to focus on in this post.

Payment for Debt:

We all know that debt is something that we owe out of obligation; something that must be paid or rendered. Debt has been a part of human history for thousands of years. We can look at the ancient Greeks, Egyptians, Romans, etc... and see that debt and the process to make payment was established very early on. One of the ways that payment was allowed to be made was through a process called "Debt Bondage" in which a person who owed something would pledge their lives in service to the debtor. In exchange, the debtor would pay for the persons food, clothes, shelter, and applied labor to the debt owed. in the later part of the 17th century the term was referred to as indentured servitude - This form of payment is what made it possible for a lot of American Colonist to get to America from Europe. The person wanting to come to American would give themselves in debt to a wealthier person who would pay for their passage to America, house them, cloth and feed them until their obligation was paid. Though the vast majority of those in Indentured Servitude would not live long enough to pay their debt in full.

So how does this relate?

In Romans Chapter 13:8 I believe that Paul is saying that we should forever be in debt to love. That like the indentured servant we are to pledge ourselves to love and that for the remainder of our lives we need to serve love. One aspect of debt bondage and indentured servitude is that you could possibly pay off your debt and be freed from it at some point. It seems to me that Paul wants us to know that we can never love enough to ever "Pay it off" that we should stay in debt to it. God is the master in which we owe ourselves, Christ was the ultimate example of love that we need to follow, and we need to pledge ourselves to God and the ministry of Christ. God will feed us, clothe us, take care of our basic needs, and ultimately through Christ pay our Passage to heaven. Paul is reminding us of this and that we need to labor in love as payment for Grace.

Implications for us.

Love or connection is what brings all of us together and should be something that we seek to provide to others. In fact, love and connection is a primary human need and the lack of it can manifest in numerous negative ways in your life. Depression is the most common result of a lost feeling of love and connection and one of the criteria for a diagnosis of depression is rapid weight loss which is typically a result of not eating. This indicates to me that at the very core level of health that the emotional needs of people supersede that of the physical body. We need to feel love and we need to be connected; it is our nature. When we fail to love or connect we begin to die emotionally and it can eventually lead to our physical death. Paul is informing us that if we love others unconditionally we lay a strong foundation that will allow us to be loved and create needed connections that allow us to thrive in life. Paul is giving us a strategy for meeting our human needs.

If we can adopt this love service we will not only experience a level of connection with those in our lives like never before but we can experience connection with God that creates true life fulfillment. It says in 1 John 4:8 Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. To love someone else is to know God and is to be a demonstration of God in the world. Our debt or obligation is to repay God's Grace of salvation through the love that we provided to others.

How Can we Implement this today?

listed here are a few ways that you can begin to repay the love debt:

1. Random Acts of Kindness - for example, the next time you are at the check out counter leave a couple of dollars at the register for the person behind you to help them pay for their items. Now, you can do something different of course like giving a couple of dollars to the homeless, stopping on the side of the road to help someone with car trouble, write thank you cards to coworkers, or whatever else you can think of. The idea here is that you would practice these random acts so often that they turn from conscious actions to habitual ones.

2. Volunteer your time - Choose a charity, church, company program, or any other type of organization that interest you and donate some time. If you love animals find a shelter, if you have kids volunteer at the school, if you have parents that you care for and live in an assistance home help out a couple of hours a week, etc... the idea is that you are willing to give beyond yourself. Contribution beyond yourself is one of the Human Needs that leads to life fulfillment and is it can be meet through the donation of your precious time.

3. Sacrifice your Interest - This is about deepening your current relationships. If you are in a relationship (dating or married) and/or have children there is no better way to demonstrate your love with them and strengthen your relationship. In sacrificing your interest you take yourself out of the equation and focus completely on someone else's needs and desires. If your significant other loves the ballet but the thought of seeing other men dancing around in tights for 2 hours make you sink I say get out of your own way and take her to the ballet. Risk being physically sink if you have to in order to show her that you love her. Be willing to go that extra mile to show her you love her. If your kids would like for you to tag along on a school field trip to the penny factor and you are allergic to Copper go with them and support them in the passion for penny's. Hopefully, you understand that I am being a bit silly and I certainly would not want you to harm yourself to show your love but what I am saying is that initially we all need to get out of our comfort zones and place others above ourselves. If we sacrifice our own needs and desires so that someone else can experience theirs then we truly know what it means to be in debt to love.

It is my hope that this has at least sparked your interest and that you want to begin to look at what you can do to be fully in debt to love and how it can really change your life.

Focus Daniel Son!

2012-11-08T20:39:00.000-08:00

So it has been nearly 5 months since the last post and a lot has been happening. In September I decide to take my thoughts and place them into a book that I am going to publish early next year. One of the things that I touch on heavily in those pages is the power of the mind and how we are the one's that create our own realities...the good and the bad. Now this is something that has been touched on in this blog before but it seems that many people that read my blogs or visit me on other sites continue to ask me questions about how they are creating their own realities. So let's unpack this a bit more from another perspective.

If we were to peel back all of the layers of what makes our realities day after day what it would come down to is the lens in which we CHOOSE to view the world. This lens represents our state of mind and the thoughts that dominate both our subconscious and conscious mind. In essence, what you constantly think about you will bring about. This is not a new idea; this understanding has been written about in ancient writings, it is found in the bible, referred to broadly as mindfulness in eastern religions, and was the spark that created the Secret phenomenon. But it isn't enough to know that this is the truth, it is about how we can learn to be mindful enough if we do it at a subconscious level.

To begin you must approach this state of mind from as a conscious and deliberate action. What is to follow are some simple steps that you can execute over the next 30 days to really begin changing the way you see the world.

1. Start each day in Prayer - meaning from the moment you wake up find a place in your house were you can be comfortable and free from distraction and pray; (there is no time requirement here) just list all of the things that you can imagine being grateful for in your life no matter what it is; nothing is too small to be grateful for. One morning I went out to my car to go to work and my car would not start. Being in a state of gratitude I thanked God that I had a car that could be broken and I was extremely grateful that I had people in my life that could help me to work. Having a attitude of gratitude frees up the mind to help you see beyond the problems or stresses you experience and helps you see a solution.

2. Start each day with intention - before you leave your house for the day plan out what it is that you want from the day and be specific. Set a goal for the day and envision yourself accomplishing that goal. Visualization is a very powerful way to move you from where your are to where you want to be.

3. Keep a daily journal (you only need to do it for 30 days so don't complain just commit) - in your journal or daily log be sure to list thinks that you have to be grateful for. This comes in handy when you are feeling discouraged or you begin to dwell on the negative things going on around you. Once you feel yourself starting to think in a negative way stop yourself immediately and write in your journal or log something that you can be grateful for instead.

4. Before you go to sleep - take a few minutes in a quit place and express your gratitude again for the things that you have in your life. Then before going to sleep spend some time envisioning what you want your day to bring tomorrow.

Repeat for 30 day or the rest of your life...

Now you are probably thinking what many have asked me, "What do I do when I find myself in a state where I am feeling angry, sad, mad, frustrated, anxious, insert any negative state of being here?" Well, here are a few easy steps for that too:

1. Well, the first step is to recognize that you are in the undesired mood, take responsibility for being in that mood - you cannot blame people or circumstances only yourself. Decide that you want to change that mood and focus your thoughts in that area. Think of a time when you felt the emotion that you want to feel in the given moment. Think of that time; the sights and the sounds; really put yourself in that mood. Continue to think of other times when you felt that way and continue to stack those experiences one on top of the other until you are in the desired state.

2. Ask the right question regarding the mood state - Ask yourself "What must I believe about this situation that would make me feel this way?" look at the finite nature of the circumstance, realizing that no matter the level of your anger, frustration, sadness, etc... it will go away and things will improve. Next, ask yourself "In what other way can I view this same circumstance?" The idea behind this type of question is two fold, you are first attempting to stop the negative thinking in its tracks and setting your mind to process something other than the negativity. Remember, there is always a multitude of ways to view the same situation so if need be think of as many ways as you need to in order to see the circumstance in a positive light. Keep in mind that in the beginning this feels difficult because it is something new to you, but know that like anything else, the more you practice the better you will get. Asking questions will not only stop the negative thinking immediately but it sends a signal to your brain that this type of thinking is not acceptable. Coming up with alternatives provides the mind time to refresh and re-assess what is happening. you are giving your mind a window of opportunity to free itself up from the stress, anger, etc... that is moving you away from how you want to feel.

3. Change you mind - say to yourself that you are not going to allow your good mood to be disrupted and that you will only focus on the good in any situation - the conscious decision over time will develop into empowerment and confidence that no matter the circumstance or situation you can handle it. You will learn that your emotions are at your command.

As I begin to release myself from a negative state I pick my favorite up beat song and listen to it or sing it over and over in my mind while I put on a smile. Music works for me and when I can't listen to music I sing it to myself. Identify what makes you smile and brings you joy and refer to that to help set you in the right direction. And yes, I said put on a smile because sometimes you have to fake it til you make it. With an upbeat song and a smile it won't be long until your body naturally joins into the excitement and completely changes your state.

As Porky Pig would say "That's All Folks!"

If you have any questions feel free to contact me by commenting to this post or sending me an email to www.focusedwise@yahoo.com

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

2012-06-22T11:01:00.000-07:00

I MADE IT!

Standing in front of a large group of his fellow co-works John not only received the coveted sales manager of the year award but the President of the company announced his promotion to Managing Director; the position that John had dreamed about getting. He could remember all of the extra tasks and projects he committed himself too and all of the extra hours he put in over the past 12 months really trying to make an impression. John sacrificed some of his regularly scheduled date nights with his wife, missed some of his daughter’s soccer games, he did not even celebrate his own birthday in pursuit of a better position. Sacrifices that he and his wife agreed would be okay during that year so long as it would pay off in the end; which it seemed to. That was two years ago and John has been miserable for the past 14 months. He is really not enjoying the new role that he has worked so hard for and he is struggling deeply to make sense of how everything in his life can fit together. When was the last time you worked extremely hard for something? Putting in countless hours heavily investing your emotions? It may not have been work related it could have been anything like a new relationship, parenting, new car, new house, moving to a new city, etc… If you have ever found yourself not happy with something after you worked so hard to get it then you can relate to what John is going through and what I am going to be discussing here.

WHAT HAPPENED?

Well, we live largely in a task oriented society where great value is placed on setting and attaining goals. We are taught that direction is what gives people purpose and the attainment of goals provides a feeling of moving toward success and meaning. If you don’t have a goal/s and some type of plan for attaining them then what do you have? On the surface John had been very successful the Managing Director position was exactly what he and his wife had sacrificed so much for. This position was going to give them some extra money month after month giving them a “Cushion” of comfort. Living pay check to pay check was stressful at times and now they don’t have to worry about the money near as much. Family vacations became a possibility for them as they could not afford to take them very often in the past. This promotion seemed to give them everything they wanted. Has this type of situation ever happen to you?

What John needed to learn was that life is not about getting what you want. We see that on the cover of every tabloid around the world. Billions of dollars a year are generated by stories of celebrities that have the world at their finger tips; unlimited financial resources, amazing homes, insane vacations, dream weddings, cool cars…total freedom to do what they want when they want and yet they are still not happy. Of course the rest of us are okay watching celebrities loose it in public because it makes us feel better about not being wealthy and famous; it becomes okay that we have not achieved. But what these celebrity warning stories have to teach us and what we all need to learn is that getting what you want cannot provide you with a since of happiness or fulfillment unless it provides you with what you NEED! That’s right…getting what you need and not what you want is the key to a fulfilling, happy, and engaging life. Now that is not to say that they are mutually exclusive – sometimes getting what you wanted satisfies your need. So the trick is to really understand what you need so that you can plan your goals effectively.

SO WHAT DO I NEED?

You can conduct countless searches on the internet or read a 1000 books on the subject of human needs and alternate variations of needs psychology but at the end of the day Chloe Madanes and Anthony Robbins have put together an accurate and simple view of human psychology which they state contains six needs which are; CERTAINTY, UNCERTAINTY, SIGNIFIGANCE, LOVE/CONNECTION, GROWTH, AND CONTRIBUTION.

Certainty – think of it as predictability; knowing that things will remain consistent; things that you can count on.

Uncertainty – Variety or the unexpected – humans have a need to break away from the mundane nature of predictability or they become bored.

Significance – to have a meaning – to be purposeful; to have importance

Love/Connection – the need to be valued by others – To have intimate connection and closeness.

These four needs are vital to our very survival and must be met in some way regardless of the quality of the attainment. Not all of these needs must be met at a given time in fact people often only meet a couple of these needs through a single behavior or routine of behaviors at any given time. The more needs you meet through a single event the more likely you will repeat it or possibly even gain an addiction to. For example, look at a person who is addicted to control; ever met a "control freak?" If someone is in need of controlling everything and everyone in their lives is a person who has a great deal of fear and does not handle uncertainty very well. Think of the level of Certainty when you believe you control everything – "I know what is going to happen because I make it so." Uncertainty – is only met by certain activities such as public events - typically tightening up the control in those cases; there is also variety in the number of ways in which a person can create a controlling environment. Significance – I'm important to everyone in "My World" because nothing happens without my permission; I am in control of how I am feeling. Love/Connection – This person usually sacrifices the love aspect and settles for the illusion of connection - feeling connected solely through control and other people’s perceived need for them. At any given time a person who attempts to control everything can meet 3-4 of their primary needs at any given time. However, you could have a behavior that is more agreeable and helps others in the process. If you were constantly praised for being so nice and found that by being passive and agreeable people connected with and even loved you then that would be a good reason to continue a particular behavior. So as you continued pleasing people you found that there was Certainty in your approach and ability to make people feel good, but Uncertainty in the variety of ways to make people happy. You felt significant because it was your mission to make others happy and you found connection and sometimes love from those that you have made happy. The downside is that you concentrate so much on making others happy that you neglect yourself at times. So it is always important to find the balance.

Now let’s look at the last two needs referred to as your Spiritual needs:

Growth – Is linked to our primal instincts (survival of the fittest) we need to grow in order to compete. Not only that but if we lack the need for growth we become stagnated and eventually die - metaphorically speaking. Have you ever been "Stuck in a rut?" this may have been a big part of the reason why.

Contribution – This is a need for us to give beyond ourselves - The service attitude - linking back to a primal instinct for group survival. It was necessary for individuals to contribute to the whole of the tribe in order for the tribe to flourish and survive.

What John had to discover was his primary need and how he could attain that in any circumstance. What he learned was that he above all he needed Love and Connection with his family. All the work that he put in and the sacrifices that he made were so that he could have time with his family. Once he understood this need and the drive and passion he had to attain it he refocused his energy, set new goals, and began working toward what he needed; love and connection with his family.

SO WHAT NOW?

Start by really drilling it down. When setting your goals to get what you want keep in mind the two types of goals, Means and Ends. When planning for things in your life you need to understand what the END is – what outcome do you wish to attain? Why do you want it? The why you want it should be an emotion and you should be able to relate it to at least one of your six needs. By understanding the emotion and need behind the goal you will create the motivational force necessary to push you toward the end goal. Means goals are different in that they look at how you can get to the end that you seek. The great thing about means goals is that you can operate with more than one in mind at a time, they are flexible, and can be changed (adjusted) as you go along. Means goals however should be directional and in-line with achieving your end goal. Often time’s people focus on very large mean goals and get lost in the process of getting what they really want and how that want meets their need. At times people will confuse the mean goal for the end goal like John did in getting his promotion. It wasn’t the promotion that he really wanted which is why he was feeling unfulfilled in his new role. What he was really after was having the perceived opportunities of freedom and comfort that would afford him time to connect with his family and to bring even more love them. What John has learned is that by clarifying what he needs at an emotional level he can plan more effectively and appropriately to get what he needs.

Write down what you really want and work the process through to identify how it relates to your emotional need. Once you identify the NEED that you have begin to brainstorm ways in which you can get what you need by doing other things – creating means goals for yourself. If you can identify other ways to meet your needs more immediately it will change your whole outlook on the direction of your life.

Stay Focused!

WHO'S DRIVING?

2012-06-14T16:16:00.003-07:00

WHERE YOU HEADED?

In order to get where you want to go and be fully vested in the process of change you have to DRIVE that process yourself. You have to plan the trip: set the destination, budget the money, plan the transportation, figure out where you are staying, organize the time line, etc. There are a myriad of things that must be consider when planning a trip and it all starts with the final destination in mind. You cannot get where you want to go if you do not know exactly where you are headed.

Picture the last time you planned a vacation reflecting back on how excited you were to go. You shared with those you know your excitement of "getting away" and taking time for yourself. You probably were so excited and shared it so often that people were tired of hearing about it and they wished you were already gone. As the time drew closer for you to set off on the trip you began to get even more excited, more invested. Dreaming about it night after night hearing the sounds of the beach; the waves crashing onto the shore, hearing the birds in the air, the people playing; Smelling the suntan lotion, the food cooking on the grills; feeling the sand between your toes and the cool water splashing against your body as if you were already there. You envisioned your destination with such detail that you were living the experience even before it actually happened. When you plan for change in your life you MUST picture it in the same way, you need to see it as if it has already happened and live the change even before it is fully actualized. The more you are connected to the change you want to make and the mapping process the more you will mobilize your entire body to move you toward the end goal; the destination.

AUTO PILOT

Think about the last time you forgot how to get where you needed to go. While driving to a friend’s house one evening for dinner I lost my direction when I had gotten off the freeway and entered into the back roads. Which was odd because I had been to this couples house several times before; yet I could not remember for the life of me the more specific details of the route. Jumping on the freeway and heading South was easy in fact, I didn't even think about it; I was in such a trance that by the time I consciously thought about where I was headed I was half way there. But when it came time for me to remember the street names, landmarks, and other details of the route I could not. My wife laughed when I told her that I had forgotten how to get there. How was it that I could forget? Simple, each time we had gone to our friend’s house in the past my wife did the driving so I didn't really pay attention to the specifics. When you are driving the car you’re engaged and mindful of the direction that you are going and you pay attention to the little things around you that matter. You deploy the mental faculties needed to answer the central question "How do I get where I need to go without getting lost?" If you are letting someone else drive your change process then you will miss out on some very vital details that could mean the difference between getting lost on your journey or ending up where you want to be. So how much control do you give to others? How much control do you allow yourself to have? Answering these question honestly will help get you moving toward your goal/s.

LOCUS OF CONTROL

There is a continuum of control that helps people in perceiving and experiencing the world around them.

INTERNAL ------------------------------------------------------------EXTERNAL

Internal locus is the extent to which you feel you control the world around you; you feel that your behaviors are directed more by personal choices. On this end of the spectrum you have total power and mastery over your experiences and behaviors. On the opposite end sits the External locus in which you are much more reactive to the world believing that you have no control over the world a whole and your behaviors are motivated by those things that happen to you; you may belief more in fate or luck rather than self-directed results.

Bear in mind that one side of the spectrum is no better than the other and for the most part people fall somewhere in between rather than living in one extreme. The idea however, is to really look at where you are on the continuum so that you can begin to understand a little better how you are motivated toward action. It is important to note that if you fall closer to the external locus side you may find that it is more challenging for you to reach your goals even with a clear plan because you may not be fully vested in the idea that you create your own change or you may only try something one or two times and chalk the failure up to "I guess it wasn't meant to be." The more you move toward the internal locus you will gain greater confidence about your change capabilities.

Ask yourself a couple of question: use a 0-5 scale 0 being completely disagree and 5 being completely agree.

1. How hard you work directly reflects your level of success?

No matter how hard you work if people don’t like you, you can’t succeed?

2. Making plans is what moves people toward accomplishing goals?

Making plans is good but most of the times life gets in the way; what’s the point?

3. No matter how hard you try, some people just don't like you?

People who can't get others to like them don't understand how to get along with others?

4. People are who they are as a result of their experiences?

People are who they are because of their families?

5. Getting what I want has little to do with luck?

Getting what I want is a coin toss – 50/50?

6. Most political problems are caused by people’s lack of action and participation?

No matter how much you get involved government shapes itself?

Look at the first set of questions which are indications of Internal Locus did you place more value when it came to those questions? Did you score higher in the second set of questions? Were you even? This is a reduced questionnaire and is in no way comprehensive but it helps to get you to think about the level of perceived control you have in life. If you have set goals in the past and have not been able to reach them perhaps you are predominately guided by an external locus?

A question that seems to come up a lot is “Do I need to fully change my locus before I can start reaching my goals?” and the answer is no! However, you will at the very least need to compartmentalize your locus. If at your core you feel that life is all directed by fate then you may have some difficulties. Although, if you can say that not every aspect of life is pre-ordained and can separate things to give you control then it may prove easier. In your Business life for example if you Believed that business success was guided more by you and your level of participation and less by happenstance then it will be much easier for you to obtain your goal/s.

WHAT’S NEXT?

Well, let go backwards to get to the beginning. Recognize where your locus of control is and adjust accordingly. If you are predominately external then start looking at ways to take control of certain areas of your life to drive change; you must be in the driver seat! The next time you are in a situation where you find yourself saying things like “That’s just how it goes.” Or “I don’t know why I make plans anyway?” stop! Instead, ask yourself what you can do next in that given situation to move toward progress. Don’t give up on it focus on the outcome that you want and push towards it.

Think of a time in your life when you were really determined to have something; a time when you were unstoppably driven. The more people told you that you couldn't have what you wanted the more determined you got and the harder you tried to get it. Remember that time so that you can recall it at will. Whenever you need pure determination reflect on that time in your life. How you felt about wanting it, how it made you feel just thinking about attaining it. Regardless of your predominate locus there is usually a time in your life where you took absolute control and left nothing to CHANCE. You have to get rid of the designated driver in your life and take the wheel yourself if you really want to reach your goals. Keep in mind that this is all precipitated by your VISION for where you want to end up. Visualize your destination with vivid colors, clear sights, and distinct sounds. The more detail and emotion you breath into the vision of your destination the more real it will become and the more determined you will be to get there.

Hopefully, this will help put you in the driver seat. Questions or need assistance email me at focusedwise@yahoo.com

AS IF...

2012-06-07T00:03:00.002-07:00

Lying in bed this morning your nagging alarm clock begins to sound demanding that you get out of bed and start your day. Something that you are sarcastically really excited to begin because all you have ever wanted in life is being fulfilled single handily from your work desk. Reluctantly, you ooze from the bed and begin your ritual for starting your day. Slowly, you drive to work looking for any excuse to prolong your arrival. So you stop at Starbucks for a Grande in the hopes that its magical properties will mix with your 8am shot of 5 hour energy giving you what you need to make it through the morning; all the while wondering to yourself "Why they don't make an 8 hour energy supplement?" As you walk into the building you are greeted by co-works who are just as happy as you are to be there which sets the tone for your morning. In a trance like state you begin your work as you gaze at the clock waiting for lunch to arrive. "This isn't the job I wanted." you tell yourself as you secretly look at the Careerbuilder job postings that pop up on your iPhone while longing for a change. Finally, lunch time has arrived; well its ten minutes prior to your designated break time but hey you need to get away and no one is watching anyway right? While at lunch you sit with a couple of co-works and the three of you commiserate over the mundane nature of your work building a laundry list of complaints when you think to yourself "Why can't I just be happy?"

If you have ever felt this way you then you know how trapped you feel in this situation and if you are currently feeling like as though your career is in a rut I want to offer you hope. This all too common feeling of career burnout seems as though it may be impossible to solve. You feel stressed out in your job so you acquire a new one only to feel the same way in that job less than 2 years later. Is it that you continue to take on unfulfilled work or could it be the way you view the work that you do?

LANGUAGE PATTERNS

Kim was a sales women for a medical device company and did well for herself. When she originally got into sales 12 years ago she did so hoping to make the BIG bucks. She would work hard learning the product knowledge, she met with the companies top performers to learn their strategies, and focused on building her pipeline for success. After 12 years there seem to be really only one consistent pattern that emerged from the prior 12 year work history and that was her consistent company changes. Looking at Kim's resume one could not help but to wonder why she moved companies nearly every three years. Feeling stressed out and burned out in her current sales role it seemed as though Sarah was feeling as something was missing although she couldn’t pin point the problem. Coming up on her third year with her current employer Kim was starting to look for a new opportunity and was feeling quit stressed over finding the right position. She was even considering getting out of sales all together and was exploring her options in other fields despite the fact that her sales number were fantastic. It seemed as though Kim was experiencing a mild crisis of identity and really looking for fulfillment from her next job. What Kim was unaware of at the time was here guiding values and belief system that had been directing her behaviors. When working with Kim it was important to have her identify immediately some of the assumptions that she held regarding a career in sale. After a couple of quick exercises Kim learned that she held a value deep inside her that women CANNOT attain the same success levels of men in business, that women MUST work twice as hard as men, that women can ONLY make half the money that men do despite their effort, and that there are NO advancement opportunities for women like there are for men. The Great Psychologist Carl Jung stated the "Perception is projection." meaning that the perceptions that we hold at a deep level regarding the world around us will be projected into the world in which we operate. Kim held deep beliefs that she MUST work harder than her male counter parts and even though she would do twice the work she could NEVER earn as much money or attain the same level of advancement; and as her resume reflected she project her limitations into her world and sought out new career opportunities due to her perceived limitations. Reviewing here sales track record it was clear that she would always attain a level of success that did not exceed her male counterparts and when her sales projections were trending toward the top 5% of sales people in the organization she felt the urge to leave the company; why? Because she was afraid that she would meet her sales projections. Interestingly enough the very thing that she wanted, the BIG money was the very thing that she would ran from because her desire to attain her financial goal ran counter to her value system that she is NOT allowed to attain that goal because she is a WOMEN. By attaining the level of financial success that she desired she would have no longer been a WOMEN but something else entirely and that threatened her identity. So to avoid becoming non-women she preserved her identity by switching jobs and starting over rather than experience the fruits of her labor and rising above her male counterparts.

By listening to Kim describe her value system it is impossible to look passed he language patterns. She used words like MUST, ONLY, and NEVER which are generalizations that prevent you from seeing a world with options. This type of language at a subconscious level is communicating to your conscious mind that you do not have free will to act, feel, or think the way that you want to. No wonder she was feeling lost and uncertain about her life, career, and her very identity. Imagine how you would feel or how you might be feeling right now thinking about your life with no free will; You would feel TRAPPED! Being trapped is linked to your survival instinct; the level of your being that needs to preserve itself for the sake of life. By utilizing the language patterns that Kim was using she was relating to her performance as a life or death situation for which she had no control. To attain the success she wanted would mean certain death but to not reach her goals made her feel insignificant which becomes an extremely difficult place to be.

“AS IF”

Now, going back to the original scenario the ladies are all sitting around the lunch table spewing their feelings about the company and their position and all your really wanting is to be happy. My suggestion? Excuse yourself from the table and find a quite place that you can go to be alone. Breaking patterns is a great way to begin to complete alter your states of mind which prepares you for a transformation. If you really desire change in your life and you want to be happy no matter where you are and what you’re are doing then you have to embody the change; you need to live “As if” the change had already taken place and pursue life in a manner that is matter of fact. That can all start with some pretty simple pattern changes and external model influences. By removing yourself from the discussion you can take yourself away from the negative language patterns that are influencing you and begin to replace them with more empowering words and values. Be aware that we become what were surround ourselves with. If you surround yourself with people how devalue themselves and use language patterns that steal away the free will then eventually you will take on the say patterns of belief. You have heard the phrase “Fake it until you make.” Well, the “As if” process is similar but where the fake it until you make process breaks down the “As if” process really goes to work. By living the changed life we engage the subconscious mind to gravitate toward the life we want, pulling us to it. Our subconscious mind is always working and one of its functions is to act like a magnate pulling us toward our subconscious desires. By focusing on the change that you want you will be able to develop a road map for getting to where you want to be. In the first scenario all you are looking for is to be happy. So each and every day spend 10 minutes in a quiet place and really envision your changed life. The way that you carry yourself; the body language you use to communicate happiness to others. Picture how you talk to people and the positive language you use to communicate your happy values. Continue this process every day growing to 20 minutes of meditation time speaking out loud that you are happy. Just do this for 10 day (business days) and if you do not see a change in your life and the way you view things then you need to revise your goals and recalibrate your mantra’s or incantations and try it again. If you are truly committed to being happy and you tell yourself that you are allowed to be happy then you will be happy. Embody the change, Gandhi once said "Be the change you want to see in the world." What Gandhi is saying is embody the change, become the change in every way everyday and the change will begin to form in your life.

Here are a couple of things you can do everyday to start working toward what you want:

1. Develop a Mantra - A Mantra is a word or a phrase that you use to command your subconscious mind to focus on a new set of values that redirect your behaviors. Thus embodying the change you want to become. Mantras are verbal incantations that involve the body and the mind; they are to be said out loud emotionally with intent and focus. For example: Everyday in Every way I grow (fill in the blank - stronger, wealthier, happier) BECAUSE (the because part is important because reasons create direction and demand action; it creates mental importance). So one of my first Mantras that I used went something like this.

Everyday in every way I AM EMPOWERED because my God in heaven gives me strength and the courage to face anything. I would repeat this for 10 or more minutes out loud on my ride into work. The more intensity you use and the more opportunity you have to focus on your mantra the greater the reprogramming effect you will experience.

2. Change up your routines and your patterns - For example, first thing in the morning I use to wake up, take a shower, then go down stairs to have breakfast. To break my pattern I ate breakfast first then took a shower. breaking your patterns reaffirms that you have choice, that you are not trapped by your routine. Additionally, it helps to create a sense that changes is possible, voluntary and not harmful - because we have been trained cultural that change is SCARY when its not; in fact change is necessary.

3. Choose your influences - Like the initial example, if you continue you to mingle with those with negative belief sets then you will eventually develop them. Instead of meeting with them everyday perhaps you can reduce lunches together to a weekly activity so that you can have some time to spend with yourself engaged in more positive behaviors. Or find someone in the company that you admire and see if they would like to have lunch. You don't have to change your friends but your circle of influence should be positive and if it is not then you need to focus on what you want more immediately and when you are better equipped to ward off their negativity then incorporate them back into your life in a productive way.

This is in no way a comprehensive plan to create lasting change but it will help alter your state of mind and begin to help pull you away from defeating beliefs and behaviors and get you to focus in the right direction. If you are serious about specifically outlining your goals and developing strategies to obtain what it is that you want then I encourage you to begin learning some of these techniques. You can get books from the local library or find a class or seminar that will work with you to develop the skills needed to create lasting change in your life.

It is my hope that you get what you want this year!

WHY CAN'T I...?

2012-05-29T12:48:00.001-07:00

THIS GUY

While attending a wedding a few months ago one of the groomsmen complained constantly about how much he disliked wearing suites and he commented multiple times about how appreciative we all should have felt over the fact that he got “all dressed up” for the occasion. Imagine being stuck in a room that smells like guys: dirty feet, flatulence, beer, cheap cologne and sweat. Now further imagine how terrible you would feel listening to this guy complain while you were suffering from total sensory abuse. As you can see this was a tough time and after about an hour of listening to this guy rant on and on while my nose was being man handled by the guy funk swarming in the air I decided to take action. So I turned to John (as we will refer to him) and asked why he hated the suite with such passion, “What is it specifically about the suit that is not working for you?” With a blank face he looked at me; he had no answer what so ever, he was completely taken back by my question and for the first time in about an hour he was speechless. He just looked at me as if I had asked him to explain Quantum Physics to a large group of Kindergartners. So I asked him again, “What is it that is so troubling about your suit, It’s custom fit, so what could it possibly be?” with a vacant look he just turned to the other groomsmen, perhaps looking for someone to throw him a life line; but it seemed that everyone was completely out of rope. The room was dead calm, quiet just long enough to feel completely awkward. At this point I decided it was time for some fresh air so I went for a bathroom break and drink run. After about 15 minutes I returned to the room and he was STILL talking about his crazy suite issues. Apparently, I quieted him down long enough to come up with justifications for how he was feeling. Armed with a list of reasons he began his final assault; the collar is too tight, the tie is pulling on my neck, the jacket length is too short, and on and on he went. So this time I decided to take a different approach to dealing with situation and I turned to him, handed him a drink, and said “I heard a couple of the bride’s maids talking about how cute you looked in that Suite.” “Your full of it...Really?” he asked “Yeah!” I said. He then began to ask which bride’s maid had made the comment so I lead him in to revealing which girl he thought was the most attractive and told him that it was her. After our little 2 minute exchange I noticed that he no longer had anything negative to say about that suite; thank the Lord!

WHAT WAS HIS DEAL

So what does this situation have to do with anything? Well, it is a goofy illustration regarding how a person’s subconscious beliefs and attitudes programmed at an early age can influence their behavior and opinions. At this point in time I was unaware of why John felt the way he did about suites but whatever association or belief he held about them luckily wasn’t as important as his desire to be wanted by a cute girl. He was temporarily willing to suspend his belief in order to seek a desired outcome, potentially getting the girl; whom he would later learn was married; but that is for another blog post. However, I later find out that as a child John never really connected with his father and that they had a very uninvolved distant relationship. His father was a salesman for a large corporation that forced him to travel a great deal deal taking him away from the family. As a child, John made a decision that he did not want to be like his dad…nothing like him. He wanted to be present for his family and not cause the pain that he and his mother felt from his father’s absence. With that insight I concluded (and for the sake of this article) that perhaps one of the subconscious connections that John had made when he was a kid was that "suite wearing" men don’t spend time with their families; A belief that over time has grown in magnitude and significance. Then again he could have just really needed a hug and a Snickers bar. Either way he had some programming that could use some updating.
Now you’re wondering why people create these subconscious belief systems and if you have created any yourself that may be hinder you? Well, you have! We all have, it is part of what the brain does to make sense of the world around us and to create protective barriers. In John’s case he created a barrier that would ensure that he doesn’t become a man that works in a job like his dad…good or bad that was a way that he could ensure that what he wanted to be as a man subconsciously aligned with his value system that he developed as a child.

BALANCED BELIEFS

Congruence is the point where our mind (subconscious) and our conscious beliefs and desires come into agreement with each other. Picture it as two overlapping circles, one circle is our Conscious beliefs and the other is our Subconscious beliefs. Where the two circles meet is the point of congruence; the point where disappoint and happiness manifest in our lives. Looking at John’s suite situation we can see that subconsciously he holds a belief that men who wear suites cause family distress and he seeks to strengthen that belief by constantly reiterating that he hates suites! John has probably met and even knows people who wear suites everyday that are nothing like the image of his dad. These “suite wearing” individuals act counter to John’s inner belief about suite wearing people and this evidence threatens his subconscious belief. So he may disassociate himself from those friends who dress that way or make fun of people for wearing suites. It is much easier for John to resist the evidence that he is presented with in order to maintain his deeply held belief because it protects him from becoming his father. John’s situation is not unique however in fact each and every one of us has these types of beliefs that are dedicated to protecting our deeply held values.

For me it was my subconscious belief about money and wealth that was blocking me from achieving my financial goals. It seemed that no matter how much money I made at the end of every month I was left wondering where the heck it all went. “Why can’t I save just $20.00” I wondered month after month. Can you picture yourself in this scenario? I wanted to save money so that I could have some security and stability in my life. For me, the thought of living paycheck to paycheck was gut wrenching; I was getting tired of doing that. So I planned out my budget and consciously worked hard to save money…no matter what that meant. For months I “labored” at it week after week and I had managed to save $450.00, not a ton of money but more than I had been able to save prior to that point. Then life happened, as life always does, and I needed that money to pay for a water pump for my car…bye bye money, it was fun! From that point I could never seem to build up momentum again. What was happening? What can I do to change my circumstance? Well, I had to go a lot deeper into what I thought about money and I needed to explore my personal view of wealth. What I discovered was that I viewed wealthy people as GREEDY people, self absorbed, with no care or compassion for anyone else; even though the evidence around me did not support that idea. However, when I was young my family lived poorly in some less than desirable communities and the only experiences I had with wealthy people were negative ones. Additional, I grew up listening to my parents and their friends complain about wealthy people and it seemed as though I adopted the ideology that I had been constantly exposed to. The image of rich people that I had in my mind was clearly someone that I never wanted to become. However, on a conscious level I wanted to be wealthy; to be stable financially in my life but my inner belief was overpowering my outer desires. Due to the lack of congruence or balance in my belief system I was self sabotaging my attempts in order to preserve the idea of who I wanted to become. That is when I realized that this pattern of behavior will continue on and on until it is replaced by a new idea or system of belief.

Picture this, your friend sends you an email with the latest YOUTUBE video craze that you just have to see. You quickly clink on the link in your email and you can feel the rush of adrenaline surging through your body as you anticipate viewing the next Chocolate Rain installment. Just as the video nearly completes loading you receive an error message “Unable to load!” Completely disappointed you look for a way to fix the issue so you can be a part of the world wide sensation. You realize that the only way you can see the clip is to update your system because the video is not compatible with the newer software. Well, similarly we suffer from programming issues each and every day. Most of the “Software” that we operate with was uploaded to our brains when we were very young and they are the programs that have guided our decisions throughout our lives and serve as our lens through which we see the world. The major issue with this is that our programs are completely out dated and in need of some serious updating.

TIME FOR CHANGE

Now you are wondering “How do I get a system upgrade?” Well, you must start with identifying which pattern/s of belief that you have that you want to change. Now you may have more than one belief that you want to change about yourself but it is necessary to work on only one at a time. Fully investing your energy into creating the single belief pattern is the most effective approach. Surprisingly, once you change the first belief you will start to notice that it will have an overflowing effect into other belief systems and can lend itself to creating other changes in a much quicker way. So, here is the process that can really jump start your changes:

1. Identify the belief… Start by identifying what the belief is and how it has limited you from becoming what you have wanted to be up to this point. At the top of a piece of paper write down what that belief is. Underneath that heading create a list of all the things that you have missed out on; fulfilling relationships, the parent you wanted to be, work promotions, etc…think about the LOSE you have suffered from believing in that ideology. Once you have done this and really reflected on the pain that the old belief has caused. It is time for you to destroy the list (destroy the belief). Re-taking control of your life and your belief system.

2. Responsibility – You must begin to take responsibility for what you believe in and with sincerity know that you are in command of how you feel and that you control how you approach life and how you react to the world around you. Once you have truly and fully accepted that you are in control of how you feel and ultimately, what you believe then you can start to re-design your software.

3. New Belief – Close your eyes and imagine the change that you want and begin to associate it with a string of positives. For example, if you want to be a better parent you need to see yourself being the parent you want to be. Know that you deserve to be a better parent, know that your kid/s deserve a better parent, know that you deserve a better relationship with your kid/s. Visualize your relationship with your children and focus on the way that you speak to them, react to them, how you hold them, how you play with them, how you tuck them in bed at night. Picture as fully as you can that relationship. Imagine their smiles and hear what is going on between you. The laughter that you share, the sounds of the “I love you’s” that you share, the sounds of the thank you’s you exchange. Feel the hugs you give them, feel their arms wrapped around you, feel their hand holding yours, feel their lips on your check. Continue to imagine all of these sights, sounds and feelings in repetition; connecting them together in a loop continuing the process for 10-15 mnutes. Now, tell yourself that you deserve to be a great parent and that you have the power to create this relationship. Open your eyes and tell yourself out loud that you WILL be the parent you want to be, command yourself to take action to being the parent that you and your child/ren deserve.

This visualization or re-programming can really begin to help you change your belief about anything that you hope to change. Like anything else in this world it takes time to make lasting changes. You spent your whole life developing and re-enforcing the ideas and beliefs that you currently hold. All this is asking is that you take 15 minutes out of your day to do the visualization outlined in step 3 to create lasting changes. You deserve the life you want you just need to grab it!

If you have any questions or comments please feel free to contact me at focusedwise@yahoo.com

WHAT DO GUYS WANT? WHO CARES, ITS NOT ALL ABOUT THEM.

2012-05-22T20:16:00.000-07:00

It never fails that when women come to me seeking relationship or dating advice they all seem to have the same nagging question that lingers in their mind..."What do guys want?" This question and a multitude of answers have been the prevailing topic of countless day time talk shows and TV dramas, books, magazines, plots to Hollywood movies, and now even internet blogs. The issue with this question goes much deeper because as this writer views it, it is not a question or a quest to know what guys want as much as it is a journey to find intimate connection. Women are longing to be "discovered" by men; they want to feel the respect and love that they as women deserve. But why are so many women having such difficulty in finding quality relationships?

DATING OUTLOOK

Culturally, women are at a disadvantage when it comes to finding quality relationships. Decades of social programming have created a man child, a guy that outwardly is in his 20’s-30’s but has not been able to move past the life he had as a teenager. He still lives at home or at best rents an apartment with 4 other man babies who spend their nights playing Call of Duty, drinking beer, and working in a job that requires little to no responsibility so that they have time to practice with the band. This does not give women very good opportunities to find the intimate, meaningful connections that they are longing for. The reason ladies that there are no good guys out there is simply because guys are not relationship material. Guys are not interested in your life goals or emotional states because they are not interested in establishing their own goals and only seek to emotional disengage from a world that is asking them to grow up.

Men on the other hand are those individuals that have made the conscious decision to “Grow-up” and make the transition from being a boy to becoming a man. When it comes to relationships, Men are interested in sharing a life with someone else. They seek to “share” who they are and their life dream with someone who wants to do the same; Men too are seeking intimate meaningful relationships ladies. Unfortunately, the majority of women are no longer looking for men any more, they are looking for guys. In the face of limiting number of available partners on "the market" women have shifted their focus from demanding respectful and meaningful relationships with men and substituted intimacy for nurturing. Ladies, you think he is so cute because your maternal instinct senses that he is fragile like a baby and you convince yourself that he would be “Swallowed up by the world” if you did not protect him like a mother protects and infant. You have sacrificed your own need for true intimacy for a life of emotional servitude in caring and raising a man child. You cling to the relationship in the hopes that he will "grow up" and become a great man. But, like all men, once they have grown up, they leave the home to start their own lives.

YOU GET WHAT YOU ASK FOR

Ladies, it is necessary to look toward the question "What Do Guys Want" to understand the implications that this question has on your life. On the surface it appears to be a harmless question; one that you would hope would have a simple answer. But the very nature of the question places a great deal of stress and anxiety on you as women, making you solely responsible for the success of finding and maintaining a relationship. This simple question reveals how you view your role within a relationship; the “What do guys want” question at a subconscious level is really asking "How do I please a guy?" The entirety of your search for a relationship and the quality of that relationship completely hinges on your ability to make him happy. This is a very subservient view of relationships, one that is not balanced, and is one that will not lead to a fulfilling life with someone. Think of it in this way, if you enter into a relationship with the idea that you are fully responsible for the relationships success or failure and you are giving it everything that you have; 100%, what do you think this equation will lead to?

100 x 0 = 0 ; Remember, any number multiplied by zero will always equal ZERO!

So why place this pressure on yourself? You must recognize that if you are constantly seeking out partners that are not as committed as you are to making the relationship work then you are playing a zero sum game that will only end with you encircled by your girlfriends consoling you after your latest relationship crash. Ask any mother on the plant how thankless a job mothering is, perhaps you’re a mother yourself. You know your child loves you but at the same time they have no idea of the value you as a mother hold to their very survival. The guy that you are dating or looking to date is no different. He may really care about, he may even love you but, he will never understand the value that you have.

WHAT SHOULD I BE ASKING?

Well, before we present the all important question that you should be asking yourself, you need to first begin by shifting your belief that it is 100% your responsibility for your relationship to succeed or fail. Now, understand that you are not entirely at fault for thinking the way that you do about relationships. American society has created a very distorted view of what a relationship is, just turn on any television, radio, read any newspaper or magazine and you can see that Americans are being programmed through a bombardment of subliminal suggestions that tell us that relationships are casual experiences that don’t require commitment or responsibility. Sending the signal that relationships are not to be taken seriously. This can even been seen in the colloquialisms associated with relationships for example: “A relationship is a two way street.” Or “Relationships are 50-50.” There and many other sayings and though they seem harmless enough they really distort our unconscious view of what real relationships should be. Let’s spend 2 minutes exploring what these saying communicate to people on a daily basis. If a relationship is a two-way street then you are essentially saying that not only are the partners not even in the same car traveling together down the same road but, are merely passing by each other on the road of life, each going a separate direction and only crossing paths for a short time. Relationships are not two-way but are rather one way streets traveled by two people who decided to take a road trip together in the same car. Additionally, relationships are not 50-50 either. If you entered into a relationship and each partner gave 50% then what you would get is 25% satisfaction. Only 100% times 100% effort will yield 100% satisfaction. Not to mention that 50-50 indicates that you are only willing to invest a portion of who you are to your partner and reserve the other 50% for anything other than them; which is a selfishly motivated relationship. That being said, you still need to take partial responsibility for your current view of relationships and begin to look at more meaningful way to view them and what your role is within them.

So then, what you should be asking ladies is “What do I really need out of a relationship?” Be very specific in what your needs are. List them on a sheet of paper and number them in accordance to importance. Once you have your list, review it and cross out any of the needs that you can live without. Continue to review your list, removing the ones that you can live without during each review, continue the process until you get down to the top 3-5 needs. If you do not cross any off of your list that is okay too. There is no limit to how many needs you can have or how many you can live without. The idea is to create a list that completely represents what needs you must have met by the relationship. Once you have completed the list and narrowed it down label these as your non-negotiable needs. Now that you have identified what your needs are it would be a good idea to envision your life as a married women. Picture the man that you are married to and describe his characteristics (not physical) but rather who he is at the core; is he funny, caring, loving, political, religious (what religion), kid friendly, etc… Continue to describe your husband until you have a great vision of who is and how he fulfills your needs. Once you have completed this exercise you can stop seeking to please a guy and instead begin to align your life with a man who values you and wants to contribute to your relationship.

Now this is clearly not a comprehensive guide to dating but is rather an invitation to begin to think of dating relationships in a different way; if you have any questions please feel free to email me at www.focusedwise@yahoo.com or leave a comment on the blog and I will do my best to address it.

Above all remember this, you deserve to have a fulfilling relationship and you do not have to settle for a guy who does not meet your needs when there is a MAN out there who is waiting to share his life with you…