A small flaking white house in lost Spain

What do we have here?

2010-03-23T10:22:00.000+01:00

Teaching Values

2010-03-20T17:49:00.004+01:00

Something was happening up the street today in Santa Maria square. The Church seemed to be rounding up the next generation of PP voters to lecture them on the glories of becoming priests. Seen in the red light of the recent 'scandals', I'll let you make your own joke there. The Bishop himself was present, surrounded by groups of young people. I also refrained from taking a picture of that, even my crude sense of humour knows certain limits.

The getting together of the young with the Men in Black (oops, sorry again I'll leave the jokes to you) reminded me of a somewhat disturbing conversation I had with an otherwise rational student the other day.

The supposed non-believer and scientist to boot was telling me the reasons he sends his children to Catholic schools rather than using the public system. Knowing my skepticism, he came up with this elaborate theory regarding the lack of values teaching in the public schools. I was confused.

Wasn't there just recently a huge uproar in Spain regarding the very fact that the government was introducing a subject that broached that very subject? A course dealing with such awful things as respect and tolerance? Aren't the public schools here bastions of inclusiveness, the place where the private Catholic schools dump the immigrants and troublemakers?

Or wait, were the values he was looking for exclusiveness and the avoidance of law (once again read: pedophile cover up scandals).

Whatever the case, the least they could bother to do is to teach them to pick up after themselves!

Taking a Hit for the Rat

2010-03-13T10:00:00.008+01:00

Here in Spain they call them cabezas de turcos, turkish heads.

In English we call them scapegoats and in Germany the man must be feeling a bit like a kebab about now, but surely a little earthly discomfort will be recompensed in the afterlife for taking a hit for none other than the Pope himself.

Gerhard Gruber, the Munich vicar-general in the 80's is putting himself in the line of fire...making a desperate attempt to take the fall for the Catholic God's spokesperson on earth, though I doubt even the blindest believer will...believe.

Surprise surprise, when Pope Rat was just plain 'ol Archbishop of Munich Rat, he approved the transfer of a priest, known to force 11 year old boys to go down on him, to his diocese to continue his 'pastoring'.

Sure, the very friendly priest was supposed to be undergoing some sort of therapy...though obviously not very successfully because...surprise surprise, he did it again!

So, if the Rat's infamous 2001 letter to bishops worldwide to do everything in their power to keep the Church's inherent paedophilla secret, including threatening whistleblowers with excommunication, wasn't enough to convince the world that this man needs to stand trial. Maybe this will be enough?

I doubt it too.

Christianity in a Nutshell

2010-02-14T06:58:00.000+01:00

"Christianity amounts to the following claims: Jesus Christ, a carpenter by trade, was born of a virgin, ritually murdered as a scapegoat for the collective sins of his species, and then resurrected from death after an interval of three days. He promptly ascended, bodily, to “heaven”—where, for two millennia, he has eavesdropped upon (and, on occasion, even answered) the simultaneous prayers of billions of beleaguered human beings. Not content to maintain this numinous arrangement indefinitely, this invisible carpenter will one day return to earth to judge humanity for its sexual indiscretions and sceptical doubts, at which time he will grant immortality to anyone who has had the good fortune to be convinced, on Mother’s knee, that this baffling litany of miracles is the most important series of truth-claims ever revealed about the cosmos. Every other member of our species, past and present, from Cleopatra to Einstein, no matter what his or her terrestrial accomplishments, will (probably) be consigned to a fiery hell for all eternity." - Sam Harris from here.

Someone baptize me quick!

Who's Crazier?

2010-02-06T18:36:00.002+01:00

A guy who thinks he's a god, or a guy who thinks one talks to him?

Jesus Shoots with Magnum

2010-01-22T20:00:00.004+01:00

A US military contractor has said it will stop engraving Biblical references on rifles used by the US army.

You think I'm making it up don't you?

I wish I was.

Seems that for going on 20 years now, America's best have been sighting down little brown people using gunsights engraved with chipper biblical references.

Just the thing that might reinforce that silly idea that all those troops in Iraq and Afghanistan aren't there to hand out flowers.

The good thing is that old General Petraeus, head of US Central Command has been quoted as saying, "Cultural and religious sensitivities are important considerations in the conduct of military operations."

Bravo dear General, reassuring to those in the crosshairs with the sneaking suspicion that if they aren't with the Christians, they are well...

Makes one want to go out and convert at their nearest recruiter now, doesn't it?

Merry Xmas

2009-12-24T19:55:00.001+01:00

My wife says that it looks like the Mona Lisa but all the same, for all of you who are celebrating the miraculous birth of a son who was a god and the father, all at the same time...not to mention born of a virgin in a stable during the reign of King Herod who actually reigned some 200 + years before...

Well...

Merry Christmas

May the eggnog help with the confusion, more seen here.

Santa's Gay

2009-12-16T23:21:00.005+01:00

...or wait can I say that? To be honest I'm simply curious to know how many people St.Google will bring to my blog with a title like that.

I'm afraid I have even less than normal 'Christmas Spirit' this year, so I will have to refer you back to last year's ever so popular 12 days of Christmas series.

Kinda like taking out and dusting off the Christmas tree...but not really.

Cheers to being somewhere warm.

Biblical Selective Reading

2009-12-14T22:55:00.003+01:00

One of the things that I find most curious about believers, and in particular, those who believe in the middle book...yes, the Christians, is their ability to be flexible while being extremely rigid at the same time.

The ones who don't believe in that 'blasphemous' book written in Arabic that came after theirs (I mean come on, that was some crazy illiterate guy in the desert thinking that an angel was talking to him).

Those very same people flushed on faith who generally seem to say that the book before theirs was, well a precursor, a trial run if you will...but not really to be followed...or only sometimes, on the 3rd Friday of every Thursday.

It's kind of like those Choose Your Own Adventure books you used to read...but this one involves stoning people.

More fun protest pics here.

Sorry...Christmas is Cancelled

2009-12-03T08:31:00.009+01:00

Yes, that's right little Johnny, you heard it correctly there won't be any Christmas this year.

Why?

Well, the PP here in Spain have come to this conclusion using a brand new innovative way of thinking. It's called Acupuncture Politics.

What's Acupuncture Politics you ask little Johnny?

Well it's simple really. In acupuncture, you stick in a pin in a nerve ending, one that may seem completely unrelated to the problem you are trying to cure and, Voila! Problem solved! Stick a needle in your foot and suddenly your headache goes away.

Still don't get it Johnny? Let me explain further.

Just yesterday there was a vote in the Spanish congress that concerned the hanging of crucifixes in schoolrooms. Yes, I hear you little Johnny, Spain indeed has technically been a democratic secular state now for more than 30 years, but even still the poor tortured guy still hangs on many a state funded wall.

The vote was really just seconding a recent European Court of Human Rights decision where they ruled that religious symbols had no place in state funded schools. The congress' decision in effect was to make European law official here in Spain.

Still confused little Johnny? Still have no idea as to how the following of European law would lead to the canceling of Christmas? Remember I mentioned that in acupuncture you stuck a pin in a completely unrelated part of the body and hoped for a cure?

Well that's how the PP has come to the decision that Christmas is going to be canceled this year. One completely unrelated thing will somehow cause the other. Acupuncture Politics!

No, no no little Johnny...don't cry, the PP is thankfully not in power and won't be able to cancel Christmas. They are simply trying to argue that if you take down religious, ooops, I should say Catholic symbols from public state offices, holidays will no longer be celebrated. Two completely unrelated things make sense to them.

No little Johnny, I don't think that they realize that most of the holidays that they celebrate were incorporated into their belief system from religions that existed before Rome imperialistically imposed Christianity on the peninsula. Remember, these are people who think that Christianity is a European invention and that Bethlehem is really a suburb of Vienna. The very idea of being able to do something like that would be very difficult for them to get their heads around.

Yes Johnny, I know that these are the very same people who believe in virgin births etc and are able to take incredible leaps of faith but accepting that their faith is a mixture of previous ones is a bitter pill to swallow.

What's the lesson Johnny?

"If you have a headache, better take some aspirin instead."

Fox News Comes to Spain!

2009-11-29T07:56:00.000+01:00

I don't think that the word has been around long enough to be listed in the Oxford dictionary, but Fox News can surely be found in dictionaries with less strict admissions criteria.

If not however, I think that we can come up with a pretty good definition.

Fox News (uncountable noun)

-The practice of telling either half-truths or blatant out and out lies, then presenting them as truisms. The misinformation then takes on an eerie semblance of reality because it is either repeated so many times or screamed at rather loud volumes by red-faced presenters thus regressing the listener to an infant-like state where they believe just about anything.

While the 'Fox News' phenomenon had till recently been relegated to places like the U.S.A, Libya, Azerbaijan, Saudi Arabia, Turkmenistan and Kim Jong's Empire, it seems that Spain has jumped on the bandwagon and started up their own brand.

It's called Intereconomia.

For awhile it seemed like your average run of the mill Right wing propaganda machine, delighting in the 'crisis' of its own making and then advocating the dismantling of the few rights left to workers in order to overcome the aforementioned crisis.

That is until the other day.

Remember Pope Rat's senile comments regarding condom use in Africa? Well, breathing a sigh of relief after a parliamentary motion to denounce his statement as false was struck down, the Right has come out swinging...swinging crosses that is.

Their campaign hearkens back to the good 'ol days when Africans were darkies and well minded people gave a few coppers to the 'negritos'...(oops, many still say that while asking money for their proselytizing missions)

The report (that I came across on Graeme's excellent South of Watford) shown below is unfortunately only (as of now) available in Spanish. So if your Castillian is a bit rusty, here's a quick synopsis.

In a quack defense of the Rat's lunacy, the Right has decided that the people of Africa are not intelligent enough to use condoms properly.

I'm actually serious.

In the report it goes on to say that the fingernails of most Africans are detrimental to condom use and even goes so far later on to say that their hands are not adept enough!?

Again, I'm not kidding.

It then goes on to say that the climate of the entire continent is not conducive to proper condom storage and therefore not fit for use in Africa. This from a program based in a country where summer temperatures often soar above 40º!

The one thing that strikes me (other than of course the rancid, out and out racism), is that are they saying that condoms would be effective if used and stored properly?

God Car is a Demanding Deity, isn't he?

2009-11-28T19:10:00.009+01:00

And you thought the bearded old guy from the old testament was capricious, demanding human sacrifices and all that nastiness.

Well the modern age's deity, God Car, is an equally demanding and bitchy supreme being.

First it eats up entire swaths of countryside, demanding more and more cement to frolic on. Roads and more roads are built, but God Car is not content.

The very cities we live in are managed and mangled with the ever present will of God Car in mind. Forget those two-legged beasts that happen to cohabit the area, blast those pretend deities with only 2 wheels and no motor! Venture into God Car's path at your own risk, after all...it is bigger and more powerful than you.

God Car is the future and now it apparently wants to usurp the past.

Here in Spain and in most of Europe, traffic and cars are particularly problematic. City cores were developed long before newcomer God Car demanded allegiance from all. As people's lives move faster and faster, cars seemingly become more and more necessary to some. First a family buys one, then two...then jr. needs one too....and space, well it's limited.

Down on the southern coast of Spain in Murcia, plans were recently drawn up to build yet another temple to God Car, smack in the middle of the city.

Town councilors rubbed their hands together in expectation of the lucrative kick backs that were bound to flow their way once their appointed constructors began building the parking lot.

But something went wrong.

As the jackhammers began, they noticed that they were digging up what would turn out to be an entire Arab neighbourhood. 48 houses, 7 palaces and a mosque suddenly turned up, more than a hectare of ruins.

God Car was angry. Not only was there an impediment stopping the building of a new temple to glorify him, it wasn't even Christian!

Realizing that something this big couldn't be covered up and hidden, and more importantly having visions of those glorious kick backs dissolving before their eyes, the PP came up with a plan.

What was it?

Well, just dig it up, and then put it back over top God Car's underground temple!

Now that's thinking worthy of a deity.

-By the way, there is a facebook group against this, you can find it by typing
Proteger los restos arqueológicos de San Esteban
into the search option in facebook.

Did he say Jehovah?

2009-11-18T08:42:00.001+01:00

OK, while they are a bit predictable and they certainly aren't Monty Python...but all the same worth watching.

Blindness Epidemic Strikes Millions!

2009-11-15T18:42:00.009+01:00

Government officials from around the world met today to discuss the worrying explosion of cases of blindness around the globe. Hundreds of millions of people around the world have been struck down, reminiscent of the nightmare described in Jose Saramago's novel, Blindness. To add to the problem, some government officials themselves were affected once they retired to their WIFI'ed hotel rooms with their laptops.

Scientists have been attending the meetings as well to put forward their theories as to why so many people in so many different parts of the world have been affected. While many different hypotheses have been raised, the most agreed upon theory was presented by a distinguished scientist from the Vatican, well known for his exorcisms.

In his presentation, Cardinal Rubitout showed how the cases of blindness around the world directly corresponded to the growth in internet use.

According to Monseigneur Rubitout, the internet allows free access to pornography and the illicit and unabated masturbation that this access brings on is the sole cause of the blindness pandemic.

In his words,"This is a stern reminder from the Lord, reminding us about the evils of pleasuring ourselves. We must act quickly before more youths are affected by this insidious act." He was also quick to remind us, "Beware, for blindness is only the first step. Soon the perpetrator will begin to grow hair on their palms and of course forever burn in hell."

The Vatican's representative was particularly concerned when he was informed that a small region in Spain was actually presenting a program directed at teens which tried to inform young people about various aspects of sexuality, including masturbation. This program would also try and educate teens in regards to the many playground myths that are associated with masturbation.

The Health Service of the region of Extremadura launched a campaign, that has gained international fame, based around the slogan "pleasure is in your own hands". The program is based on the concepts of self esteem, confidence and male and female anatomy and physiology.

The Church's high representative in Spain, Cardinal Paja was extremely worried about the move and could not understand why the government was in effect sending young people straight to hell.

The conservative PP party's representative, Mr Frotarse also expressed concern, "Spanish young people are more worried about unemployment than such silly things. Really, imagine teenagers thinking about such things!"

These comments were echoed all over the Right.

"They are interfering with the right of parents to educate their own children about a matter as important as their sexuality," agreed the conservative Confederation of Fathers and Mothers of Schoolchildren.

When asked about possible solutions to the pandemic, Monseigneur Touchmymonkey replied that only prayer and a return to old fashioned values, such as those expressed in the Inquisition would bring sight back to those affected. When asked about the hairy plams, he responded that prayer and a good bic razor should do the trick.

I have a new hero...

2009-11-04T10:54:00.005+01:00

and her name is Soile Lautsi.

Why you might ask?

Well Soile is a portrait of what Europe and moreover its recent EU status pretends to be. A Finnish-born woman who took advantage of the free mobility offered within the union and decided to settle in sunny and warm northern Italy (might ring a bell to some of you reading this).

In the process of settling down into her new community, she integrated even further and began sending her 2 children to a local public school. Of course, being a caring mother she went to the school to meet the teachers and have a closer look at the place where her children would be spending large parts of their day.

Imagine her surprise when she walked into her children's classroom, looked around and saw...the alphabet on the wall, numbers 1-10, student made posters depicting the seasons and the image of a tortured, bloody dead man.

Wait a minute...

Letters? Right...the children are there to learn to read.
Numbers? Right...that whole mathematics thing that people need to master.
Seasons!? Oh ya, science...discovering the world around them.

Tortured and bloody dead man on a cross???

She asked herself, had she enrolled her kids in a how-to-torture seminar? No

A radical Islamic Madrassa? No

A segregated Opus Dei brainwash camp?

No....she had enrolled her children in a public school in a country that dropped Catholicism as the official state religion back in 1984.

She complained and was unfortunately laughed out of courts in Italy who cited laws dating back to the 20's when Mussolini was goose stepping around the Piazzas. Not to be beaten, she persevered all the way to Italy's constitutional court which also subsequently threw out her case.

Where to go from there? Well, she is an 'EU' citizen, right? Well she took her case all the way to the European Court of Human Rights who ruled, obviously, that state schools had to "observe confessional neutrality". They went on, "The presence of the crucifix could easily be interpreted by pupils of all ages as a religious sign, and they would feel that they were being educated in a school environment bearing the stamp of a given religion ," ordering the Italian state to pay Lautsi €5,000 (£4,476) in damages."

Before nutters go off in the comments, I do want to stress that by insisting on a religion-free classroom, she is not imposing anything. She doesn't want Sharia law, nor is she expressing that private individuals cannot show their faiths (by wearing headscarves, crosses or yamakas), simply that her rights as a minority are respected as well.

Those of us in Spain know how the PSOE love to portray themselves as more 'modern' than the Berlusconi circus, it will be interesting to see if they pay heed to this ruling and do what they should have a long time ago!

I Knew it! Zapatero's a closet S+M freak!

2009-11-01T19:02:00.009+01:00

It's all becoming clearer now. First there was the polemic raised over the official White House photo with the new messiah (Obama), where his daughters were dressed as Goths, and now this.

It seems that old Zappy is really into a little bit of the 'ol "Yes Sir! Thank you very much! May I have another!" No wonder his daughters turned out to be Goths, if he is so into punishment well...monkey see, monkey do.

Before giving the bruises on his knees a chance to heal after fellating the banking sector with public funds, it looks like he has once again assumed the position...this time taking it long and hard from none other than Pope Rat himself! Long and 25 Million Euros hard that is.

Why?

Cause hooray! Hooray! The Pope is coming to town.

Hot on the heels of his sham apology Down Under, next stop for the pedophile circus (AKA World Youth Day) is none other than the Spanish capital, Madrid.

In 2011, not only will there be more pedophiles in Madrid per square meter than in Patpong Thailand, but the state is happily going to foot at least half the bill!

Forget the constant aggressiveness that the Church has shown regarding nearly every move his government has made, let bygones be bygones. A few Hail Marys and a couple of How's your Fathers and all's good and forgotten I suppose.

I mean really, in times of such supposedly severe economic crisis, what better way to spend public funds than to officially invite a pedophile absconder to your country and lay out the red carpet? I'm almost positive that the loyal opposition party won't so much as make a peep regarding this one either.

If they're so into wasting money, well, with 25 Million Euros we could:

- Build at least 3 temples honouring Zeus and Odin

- Send every family in Spain a pair of socks

- Simply give the money to corrupt politicians so they don't have to go through the trouble of stealing it

- One word...more Franco statues (well maybe more than one word)

Any other ideas?

Ahhh, remember when...

2009-10-25T20:10:00.005+01:00

- People used to disappear in the middle of the night?

- The only Moors here were the ones fighting for the Nationalists?

- If you didn't like someone you could claim they were Reds and they would become one of those mentioned above? (and I don't mean Moors)

- Schools were good and Catholic and the nuns could terrorize the kids while the priests kept happy with some touchy feely without pesky suits against them?

Well, if you too hark back to the good 'ol days here in Spain, drop by the main square in Jaraiz de la Vera and ring this fellow's doorbell. I'm sure the reminiscing will be great.

And the Golden Coat Hanger goes to...

2009-10-17T18:08:00.008+02:00

Silence please...as we are about to present the prestigious award that is given out every year.

First given to Pope Urban VIII for his advocacy of the Earth being at the centre of God's universe, this sought after prize has also been given out to illustrious people like J. Edgar Hoover, Pol Pot and Osama Bin Laden. It is of course given out to those who defend true thought in the face of mountains of proof and scientific studies.

This year has been a tough decision. For both our candidates have shown extreme belligerence in the face of overwhelming evidence. One for his tireless fight against those who actually think that the planet's climate is changing and the other for her crusade against public, not-for-profit health care.

The decision was nearly impossible until the tribunal saw them at the head of today's protest in Madrid and realized that really they are one and the same person. One with a moustache and the other with a face full of botox.

So, after great deliberation, it was decided to present the sometimes bloody award to both.

Ladies and Gentlemen, today's winners of the Golden Coat Hanger are...

The recipients at the awards ceremony

Thought for a Sunday Returns

2009-10-11T11:03:00.002+02:00

It's been awhile since I published a Thought for a Sunday piece, but after being woken up this morning by the bloody clanging church bells, I thought I would start up once again.

I almost feel guilty using the following clip...almost that is. I mean not all believers are so completely and utterly warped and irrational as Bill O'Reilly, nor are all unbelievers as eloquent and well spoken as Richard Dawkins, but I suppose we have to start somewhere.

Enjoy

A Question of Civics

2009-10-08T09:00:00.000+02:00

OK, while I'm not a dog owner, I'm also not any kind of dog hater. I can pet 'em with the best of them and don't mind a game or 2 of fetch but am at a complete loss at how many behave when it comes to their dogs.

Walking home from work this evening a door opened a crack on the street. Just enough so that little Rover could sneak out, take a shit on the front step of the house opposite and then skirt back in.

Then I asked myself, "What the hell was that!?"

I mean does this person really think that because they only opened the door a crack that no one will see? Christ, I was tempted to walk up, take a piss on their door and then ring the doorbell midstream! "Hi there! Mind if I relieve myself on your door? Good thing number 2 wasn't calling, eh!?"

Is there some sort of defense for this behaviour that I am missing? I'm sure that responsible dog owners will comment, saying that they clean up after their canine friend...and I do believe them. Here in Spain, I see ever growing numbers of civic minded people with their little plastic bags in hand, but what about the others?

I really would like to hear some sort of rational beyond the simple FUCK YOU WORLD that it seems to me?

Congratulations Greece

2009-10-06T07:05:00.000+02:00

Just a quick note to give my congrats to Greece for voting out the Right and for not falling into the trap that so many seem to be eagerly swallowing. As we all know, Europe is swinging to the Right and hard. Completely understandable of course when it is so very fucking clear that bankers and laissez faire right-wing robbery has got us where we are today.

Oh, and I'd also like to welcome the Greek who somehow got to my blog by typing in greek+teen+homemade+fuck. Hope it didn't disappoint!

Maybe the Pope's Divine Email is Down?

2009-10-05T08:47:00.004+02:00

Multiple choice question here today.

Who said the following:

"Africa is at risk of the virus of religious fundamentalism spreading and also has been afflicted by materialism – the "toxic spiritual garbage" exported by developed countries."

A) Hugo Chavez
B) Obama
C) Richard Dawkins
D) The Pope

If you answered A, you would have done so by using a rational process. By keeping the man and his ideology in mind, it would be natural to come to this conclusion.

If you answered B, once again you would have done so using logic. Here is a president who must talk about terrorists and fundamentalists to get on the nightly news.

If you chose C, you would have surely done so by taking into account the fact that this man is an evolutionary scientist who has written a book called 'The God Delusion.' Again, as Spock would have said...logical.

Now, if you had for some reason marked down D... The only logical possibility would be because you had read the title of this post and therefore drew a conclusion. Otherwise where would the sense be in a man with a penchant for Prada shoes who preaches against condom use in the fight against AIDS simply because he feels a bronze-age book tells him to do so against all scientific proof (fundamentalism anyone?) and who proselytizes his Roman faith at every chance he gets (toxic spiritual garbage from the developing world anyone?), saying the above?

Divine and Infallible?

Well, D is the answer and like I said, I think either his email is down or the Holy Spirit is holidaying in Mallorca.

Get the Fuck out of your Car!

2009-09-22T23:07:00.003+02:00

It's World Car Free day and the same geniuses here in Caceres who paint little bicycles on roads that can't even fit 2 cars in the first place then call it a bike lane have decided to cancel planned celebrations because at the moment it would be too inconvenient!?

That's right, Zappy's little plan E has the streets all torn up and therefore closing off certain streets would simply inconvenience drivers too much.

Well...THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT!

But I am not going to go off on a rant today as it was done much better here.

The Interview Nazi's Question List

2009-09-17T21:09:00.011+02:00

My First Candidate

A strange twist of fate, mixed with a dash of squeamish irony has me taking off my child-hating teacher cap for a moment next Monday and will see me donning that of a responsible interviewer extraordinaire (have to admit I added that last bit).

Yes that's right, those of you out there who can't believe that a creep like me can actually be put in front of groups of cherubs will be appalled to know that I have actually been put in charge of hiring another teacher for Young Learners!

An ad has been put out there (true story if you're looking for a job) looking for a diligent 'teacher' who won't mind being bitten by 3 year old kids expressing their frustration with the freak in front of them speaking in a foreign tongue.

Native speakers of course would be preferred, but as the beach is further away from us than a flight from London to Malaga, not to mention the scant hours offered, few (read:none) have applied. I have called several non-natives who emailed C.V's though , ranging from a very pommy sounding Austrian, an extremely pleasant Bulgarian girl, 3 Spanish girls who said the job was too far from their house (uhh, why the fuck did you apply in the first place!) and several others who effectively hid their fear when I mentioned that one of their students might be as young as 2.

My next step is to formulate my interview questions, a Machiavellian task that I was hoping some of you out there could help me with. I'm thinking a broad range questions covering the TEFL spectrum would be nice. From Humanistic questions (think: What does the colour blue smell like to you?) to Dogmeish versions (Can you cope if the photocopier breaks?) onto Grammar ballbreakers (When do we use the subjunctive in English?).

Here's my provisional list:

- Do you have any serious allergies or would the sight of 13 runny noses make you nauseous?

- Have you ever spent more than a week hanging around Cambodian orphanages?

- When I say the word 'photocopy', does it make you very happy?

- When I say we don't have a photocopier, does that make you sad?

- Imagine this situation, you are writing something on the board then turn to face the class and find that one child has eaten his partner's ponytail, what would you do?

- Imagine a similar situation to the one above, but upon turning around, half your class is missing?

- Does the expression "under the table" mean anything to you?

- Can you work through a hangover? We don't have enough staff to cover for you.

- Are you so sweaty because of nerves?

- I take it you are particularly fond of that perfume/cologne that is burning my eyes?

- I can see here that it took you 9 years to finish your degree. Did you walk to school?

- Do you dislike kids as much as me?

- And last but not least, do you find it as hard to believe as I do that unqualified people are allowed to teach kids and no one really cares?

Ideas?

12-steps to Loving Kids Classes

2009-09-11T21:35:00.010+02:00

Pencil Stabbings, bathroom emergencies, needless screaming, table carving, irate parents, runny noses, blank stares, twitchy movements from the spaz in the corner....ahhh, the beauty of a classroom full of kids.

Fed up with your boss? Want to get out and see the world? Why not teach English?

In Korea, Thailand, Vietnam, Japan, China, Taiwan, Turkey, Greece, Italy, here in Spain, in fact just about anywhere, someone out there is dying to give you a job!

Criminal record? No problem! No qualifications? No worries! No one cares!

In most cases, all you have to do is learn to love kids.

Love kids you say?

Yes, that's right! All over the world, academies will hire someone like you with absolutely no qualifications or training and allow you to be in a room alone, with large groups of kids.

With varying degrees of clarity, your 'contract' will tell you in very opaque terms just who you're going to be teaching. 16 years old or 6, what's the difference, none of them can vote! With our 12 step program, we'll get you through the day and to the local watering hole for that memory erasing relaxer.

But of course these 12 steps aren't only for the newly-minted TEFL-Knight, these are also for those of you who find yourselves standing in front of the little pricks day in and day out, constantly scanning the wanted ads on TEFL.com and wondering what exactly would happen if you just disappeared tomorrow.

So whether you're running away from a student loan, blown your return ticket on Beer Lao or simply have nowhere else to go and need to teach kids in order to buy the next meal, these 12 jewels will turn all of those piercing screams into Celine Dionish warbles.

Repeat after me, as many times as it takes...

We admit we are powerless over the brats—that our classes have become unmanageable but as long as no one is complaining, do as little as possible and if someone peeks in, start singing the alphabet.
Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Having a few drinks before class really isn't a bad thing, is it? In fact one of the little darlings might say your breath smells just like Daddy's.
Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of St. Arnold from Different Strokes (our patron saint). Remember, he was a handful, but in the end oh so funny. His guiding hand will help you clean the shit dripping down little Jorge's leg.
Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Yes, those young teen girls do look nice in their short skirts. Looking is good, touching is bad.
Admit to St. Arnold, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Admit that the little rascals provoke a physically revulsion inside us and yet the teens another physical response. They too may feel the same way as you and may show you the DVD collection they picked up in Bangkok.
To be entirely ready to have St. Arnold remove all these defects of character or at least that nervous tick that you seem to have picked up since being foisted with a group of 4 year olds.
Humbly ask St.Arnold to remove our shortcomings and if not that, at least remove that little shit who always seems to smell like a bathroom accident from your class.
Make a list of all persons we have harmed, and then quickly burn it. Worst case scenario you can always blame the kid who can't speak yet.
Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Which of course means, all the time.
Continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admit it or once again, you can always blame the mute kid.
Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with St.Arnold, praying only for knowledge and a way to make those 60 minutes of class time just go a whole fucking lot faster!
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps and hope that the new swine flu shuts the school down for the rest of the year with pay!