A Mother's Journey

Come on, people! Be Thankful!

2011-11-24T15:00:00.000-07:00

"The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts. No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving." ~H.U. Westermayer

It's that time of year again, and I'm ready to make my post out to let ya'll know for what I am most grateful.

First and foremost, I'm thankful for my life. It's not perfect, far from it, in my opinion, but since when is perfection a requirement for finding happiness in your life? Since never, that's when!

Second, I'm grateful to be a member of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This church has given me so much to be thankful for: the knowledge of a loving Savior who suffered and died for me; the knowledge of a loving Father in Heaven who is aware of me and my needs. This church has also given me friends in strange places and a reason to get up on Sunday mornings. It has given me a modern-day Prophet, Thomas S. Monson, whose wise counsel has given my life meaning and direction at times when I felt most lost. All in all, the Church is so much in my life, that it is part of who I am. I can't have life without it.

"We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. Someone has said that 'gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.'" ~ Thomas S. Monson, President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

From our engagement photos. We were so young... and thin.

Thirdly, and this is a no-brainer. I'm so grateful for my family! My husband is amazingly loving and supportive and gives me so much grief ... uh... I mean, love and reason to be happy with life. He puts up with my tears and holds me when I'm falling apart, which, I'm an emotional being, so that happens a lot! He has seen me at my highest high and my lowest low and I am so grateful for his continued love in my life.

About 9 months pregnant with Daniel.

My kids are obviously on this list as well. I can't believe how fast the time has flown. They were so little not so long ago. I'm glad I have been able to enjoy all the little moments with them along the way. That's what life is all about, isn't it?

Post breast-fed coma. Love that!

I wouldn't change my life for the world! These kids, my husband, my knowledge of who I am and what I can accomplish... this is what gives my life meaning.

Certain times of the year, it's just necessary to reflect on the things that are most important in life, the things that make us grateful to be who we are. I hope you enjoyed my abbreviated, blog-worthy version. Now make your own! There's really nothing that will make you so happy as being grateful for what you have!

Afternoon meltdowns... What now?

2011-11-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

Since starting preschool, D has been experiencing increased anxiety and meltdowns in the afternoon. Preschool is a busy, stimulating and work-filled environment, so it isn't really a surprise to me. What is surprising is that none of our tried and true methods for calming his over-stimulated nerves are working, in fact they are making things worse.

Here I am, every morning, fighting his tears and trying to pretend that I'm not sad too. He is having preschool anxiety and so am I, and I have no idea what to do about it.

Right now, I feel like this school is the best place for him to be. He needs the social practice with adults and with kids his own age. He needs the practice with writing, colors, his letters, and everything else cognitive related. He also needs the occupational therapy and speech therapy which he is hopefully going to be approved to get as well. Right now he is less than 50% understandable to most strangers. Not like that's so horrible. Some kids don't even really speak and they're his age or older. There are a few I have seen in this situation, so I'm not really making a comparison to other kids.

I'm just saying, he could be better and he needs this school to help him get there. As much as he loves me and loves to be at home, we were about to kill each other. He needs variety and room to move and things to be constantly changing and stimulating him in exciting ways. Even if I was Super-Mom and had a magical Mary Poppins-style bag with endless games and things in it to keep him occupied, I still would not be able to meet all of his needs here at home. That's why he needs the school.

On a side note: How awesome would that bag be to have?! And I would also like to be able to snap my fingers and clean everything up when we were through.

I know he enjoys school because he tells me all about it when I pick him up in the afternoon. I bring him a "special treat" as a reward for being such a brave boy and going to school when he didn't want to. It's usually a package of fruit snacks or a juice box, but it's just enough. He tells me all about his fun day at school and I feel pretty good about it.

Then we get home ... and our afternoon takes a turn for the screaming, crying, sobbing, epic meltdown of yesteryear. Oh yes, hello Captain Freakout. I thought we'd seen the last of you.

This brings up a few questions: If D is doing so well at school, why is he having such a hard time 1) leaving in the morning? and 2) regulating once he is home? What am I supposed to do about this? How can our family possibly function with D so upset that he is literally crying, screaming and throwing an all-out fit for nearly 3 hours every day after school.?

The answer is eluding me. I keep thinking it's somehow just lurking in a corner and all I have to do is look at something from a different angle or just keep trying until I find the solution, but how much longer can the rest of us survive these hours of terror? What am I supposed to do?

I took a video of only 17 minutes of one of these meltdowns where for the majority of the time he was in obvious high-irritation from sensory overload. That's only a fraction of the entire length of that meltdown... the full thing lasted over an hour.

He responds well to some things sometimes, but then the next time you try that thing, it's literally like torture. He actually cries at you and screams like he's in pain and is saying "Owie! Owie! That hurts!"

This isn't really a cry for advice, although if someone holds the magic key, then please, by all means, share! D has only responded well to changes in our afternoon routine of staying home for some "relax time." He has spent time in his own, or mine and Daddy's room, alone, where he cries, screams and otherwise throws his fit, but at least he's away from the family and whatever stimulation is bothering him most, namely everything!

What I wouldn't give to know exactly how I can help him! It is beyond frustrating. At times it's heartbreaking. I'm his mother and I should be able to know what he needs and know what to do for him. But this time, Mommy can't just make things right with a sticky bandage and a kiss. It's hard not to feel a little guilty.

Aha! Eureka! Blog-it now, post it later!

2011-11-21T15:00:00.000-07:00

So, I'm probably the only one who just figured this out, but did you know you can schedule your posts? *GASP*!!!

That's right! You can write a blog post in advance of when you want it to appear on your blog and automatically schedule the date and time you want it to show up! I am so excited about this that I've already written three posts, not including this one, and scheduled them to release later this week! Maybe I'm just suffering from extreme lack of sleep, or maybe this is just the fact that I'm easily excited about simple things, but this knowledge has pretty much changed my life!

Up to now, I have only written blog posts intermittently because of a pressing schedule and a busy life with small children at home. With D starting preschool, I thought I'd have more time for blogging, but, as it turns out, I'm not that great at time management. I want to make the most of the time I have, whenever I happen to have it.

Aside from writing the posts in a word processing program and saving it for later, I couldn't think of a way to pre-write posts. I tried the pre-writing thing and I ended up losing the files or accidentally deleting them. With the blog scheduler, I can write more posts when I'm in the mood and that means more for everyone to read! Whether or not you like it, well that's up to you! But for me, this is like a breath of fresh air! It's like someone just opened a window when the house is hot and stuffy. Yay! Just for fun, I will schedule this post for later today.

If you don't schedule your posts yet, you should try it out and see if it takes a load off... it did for me! Now my blog is back to what it was supposed to be - an outlet for my emotions, thoughts and creativity. Woot!

Call me Mommy

2011-11-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

There are special moments that really make me proud to be a mother. One such moment happened while putting my Little D to sleep. Let me lay it out for you.

D and I lay down together on his bed. We get tucked in and sing songs. Sometimes we tell each other stories "Once upon a time, a little boy named... D!" or sometimes it's "named Monster!" Since Halloween, D can't really pull himself off of costumes, Halloween parties and monsters. We keep this nighttime routine the same, or as similar as we can. D doesn't deal with change very well. It takes him a while to adjust to something new in his life, like Preschool, but that's a story for another post.

D about a year ago. Love this boy.

So most nights, D and I argue a little. He's tired. He refuses naps, even at school and by the time bedtime rolls around we're already in near-constant meltdown mode. Not a fun mode to be in. But there are nights, like the particular night I'm going to tell you about next, when he is simply put, angelic. Nights like this I can only think how wonderful it is to be a mother, especially to be a mother to my sensational boy. He really is amazing. He knows just what to say when I'm getting stressed out, "Ok, Mommy, take a deep breath ... now, hold yourself ... and Relaaaaaxxx." He knows what to say when I'm feeling sad, "It's alright to be sad, Mommy. It's okay to be sad sometimes." He gives kisses and hugs and loves to sit on my lap and tell me stories about the monster who loves to eat chocolate.

How did I get this lucky? This blessed? I am so grateful for my little boy. Now, enjoy the short story of one bright moment that has made me feel so proud to be a mommy.

We often sing songs while getting D to sleep, and I decided to sing him this one: "I love you Daniel, oh yes I do. I don't love anyone, as much as you. When you're not near me, I'm blue, Oh Daniel I love you." He then said to me. "Oh Mommy, Kank you. That song make me soOOOOoooo happy." Then he decided to sing the song back to me: "I love you Mommy, love you Mommy. Make me red and pink, Love you Mommy."

He then proceeded to tell me "that song so perfect Mommy. I love you."

Call me crazy, but there is nothing so sweet as that kind of payout. Being a Mommy is full-time year-round, no-days-off hard work, but when you consider the chunk payouts of love, is there really any reason not to be a mother? I submit that there is NOT! Being a mother is the best job on earth. Really!! I think I'll have 6 more! ... hmmm ... well. Maybe we'll just see how things go. I always try to take life one day at a time... I guess I have to take it one child at a time too. Call me crazy for wanting more, or for only wanted a few more.... let's face it. If I really have 6 more, I'll probably go crazy before the first one leaves the house! Whatever you call me, I hope that someone in this world still calls me "Mommy."


He played so hard. He fell asleep in the middle of his toys.

RAD is not so rad

2011-11-17T11:42:00.001-07:00

Little D has Reactive Airway Disease. You might know it better as Asthma. I don't know why they have two names, but I have read a few theories on medical advice websites and forums in the last 24 hours. One theory is that they didn't want to diagnose young kids with Asthma since many children under age 7 completely recover and no longer need treatments. They call this "growing out of asthma." Another theory is that doctors came up with the term RAD to stop insurance companies from denying coverage of treatment since Asthma is considered a pre-existing condition.

For the record, Little D and I were given the first reason when he got his diagnosis back in July. It was not fun. We went to the ER twice in a 48 hour period. Let's just say, it's scary as you-know-what when your two-year-old is laying around, lethargic, not excited about anything and can't even say "I love you" without taking a breath between each word.

I guess I thought it was an isolated incident. I thought it was just some infection and it would go away. I didn't think it would get that bad again. We have taken precautions and used his inhaler only when needed: runny nose, cough = caution zone. Once his cough turns bronchial or makes him turn red in the face, it's inhaler time. It's only happened 2 or 3 times since July, so I thought for sure we were in the clear... forever.

Clearly, we are not in the clear. In fact, it's pretty muddy over here. Yesterday morning, about 4:30am to be precise, Little D crawled into bed with me, wheezing. Great. "Let's go get some medicine, alright buddy?" "O... KAhhhy" Not good news.

He got his inhaler, his antihistamine and some ibuprofen and we tried to go back to bed. No dice. He just lie there talking to me and telling me stories about the monsters eating mac'n'cheese and chocolate "my favorite!"

The next day we kept him home from preschool and gave him his inhaler any time his symptoms got worse, it was about every 3 hours. By late afternoon he was having to have "rescue doses" in between his regular doses. Right about dinner time he took a turn for the worse. Purple fingers, toes and nose. I don't know why his nose gets purple and not his lips, but it's a sign that's consistent in this, so we'll go with it.

We ate, packed up and trucked over to the ER. It was an experience. It's a small hospital in a small town. I half expected them to be closed. Thank goodness they weren't. Little D got his nebulizer treatment and a liquid steroid (again). If I could show you all the craziness that is Little D on so many steroids, I would. He was spinning in circles, literally. He was singing at the top of his lungs and he was shaking (a side-effect of the steroids). It was both pitiful and hilarious.

Since D's symptoms really only show up when he has a cold or other virus, the chances are good that he'll just grow out of it. I certainly hope he does. Until then, we'll just enjoy him and take care of his issues when they arise. Maybe we can get him a nebulizer for at home.

Picnic at the Lake

2011-11-11T09:54:00.001-07:00

We met some new friends last weekend and had a picnic at Lake Monticello. It was really nice to meet some people our age with similar interests. They are not in similar life circumstances, meaning they don't have kids, they're not married, but they're in a committed relationship and they're both college educated adults, so I'll take it!

Miss E, we'll call her, was really great to talk with. She is aware of Sensory Processing Disorder and Autism Spectrum and applauded my efforts with Little D as well as my aspirations of working with families of Special Needs kids. She recommended books by Temple Grandin, who is an AMAZING woman living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and is a healthy, successful individual. She's a PhD. She is an expert on animal behavior and has used her first-hand knowledge of sensory challenges associated with ASD to write books and other helpful and scholarly literature. You GO girl! Her life has also been made into an inspirational HBO movie starring Claire Danes. More information about Temple Grandin can be found here.

Anyway, I'm posting a few pictures about our little lake excursion. It was a fairly warm day, not much of a breeze. Really nice weather for November, though, I'm not sure if that's just me or if that's this part of Arkansas too. Let's just say, to me, it's not Fall until the leaves are turning and it's consistently at least 50 or below. That's not the case here, but everyone is acting like it's really cold out. It isn't, but I digress.

Little D and Em loved the lake. They collected shells and Em just about walked right out into the water. She is fearless! We also heard some blood-curdling screeches from some very large Turkey Vultures and a Heron somewhere out there. I think they were snacking on some kind of carrion. Anyway, the lake is pretty. The kids had fun at the park and playing by the lake. It was a really great day. If I was doing a creative writing blog, I might use the picture of the dock as a writing prompt. It might go something like this:

"She stepped gingerly onto the weather-worn wooden dock, eyes never leaving her mark, the end of the pier."

Oooo... spooky. You do the rest. Happy Veteran's Day and writing, and all that.

Chicken Fingers

2011-10-27T10:00:00.000-06:00

Little D loves his chicken nuggets. They’re almost sacred to him. Well, yesterday we decided to go to our local (and not so authentic) Mexican restaurant. I mean, really, how authentic can it be here in the middle of the deep South USA??

Anyway, We ordered our food and Little D, acting on inspiration from “Agent Oso,” decided to order his own meal. He did so well! His garbled message came out “I want to eat chicken nuggets and French fries all GONE!” It was pretty clear to me, but the waitress had no idea what he had said. I was just beaming that he tried and did his best! Who cares if it wasn’t perfect!

Then that got me thinking… Why don’t I care if Little D is perfect, but I put myself through the ringer if I get one thing slightly wrong? What is the difference between my expectations and elation for Little D’s many accomplishments and my almost constant (okay, it’s not that bad) thought process about myself that I’m somehow failing, not good enough, never will be, etc. etc. (Alright…. It’s pretty bad.)

What’s worse is, I’m the only one who sees myself this way. My husband acknowledges my faults and gently tries to guide me in the right direction. My friends seem to ignore my faults all together. I’m horrible at calling or even texting to keep in touch and they still love me. Over the summer I blew off (by accident and forgetfulness) one dear friend almost 7 times in a row and she still wants to be my friend. (Although, I’m not entirely sure why… see! I can’t even tell this story without beating myself up over it!) Not to mention my parents, who it seems could not be more proud that I’m their daughter. So, so many others who have pitched in, helped out, been there for me because at some point I was there for them… and still I think I’m not a good friend/mother/wife/sister/aunt/teacher etc.

Well… I’m here to put myself in time-out. Time out from the beatings, the shameful feelings… the disappointment. I’m not in this life to be perfect, I’m in this life to enjoy it, to love people and be loved in return, which as we know is “The greatest thing you'll ever learn…” (Eden Ahbez, "Nature Boy,” 1948, from http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Love).

So to remind myself, and anyone else who might read this, that it’s ok to fail once in a while… even 7 times in a row, I wrote this blog entry. Here’s a list of other people who failed and didn’t give up… eventually they succeeded or we wouldn’t know who they were, much less care about it. These are a few that I care about most… for sentimental reasons:

Henry Ford: He invented the assembly line, American-made cars and was a very successful businessman. But, did you know that his first business failed and he was broke five times before he found success in the Ford Motor Company

Bill Gates: A Harvard drop-out and failed businessman – that is, until he came up with Microsoft and … the rest is present … I’m writing on a Windows powered PC. Thanks, Bill.

Ludwig van Beethoven: He overcame his father, his musical superiors, and people who said he would never succeed with either the violin or composing. At least once a week, maybe more, we all hear Beethoven’s famous 9th symphony played as background music to a commercial, movie or other video media. His music is triumphant, much like his life. And oh yeah… did I mention he wrote most of his successful symphonies after he was completely deaf?

Albert Einstein: He holds a special place in my heart because, like my son, he had a delay of speech, and didn’t read until he was 7 years old. People around him thought he was mentally handicapped and anti-social. (Sounds like high-functioning ASD or Asperger’s to me, but I digress). He got kicked out of school and other schools wouldn’t take him in. However, now we all know E=MC2 and his Nobel Prize pretty much says the rest.

Sir Isaac Newton: Brilliant scholar, ground-breaking researcher… the man was, in a word, GENIUS. However, when it came to the family farm, he failed. … Thank goodness! After he messed things up pretty bad at home, he was shipped off to Cambridge… now Gravity is a law and there are all kinds of things related to it that wouldn’t have happened were it not for his black thumb.

Thomas Edison: If I could go back in time and meet any inventor, Thomas would be the man I’d wanna meet. Not because he was especially sociable. In fact, he was so hard-working that he isolated himself from many friends… but his constants stayed around. Teachers told him he was stupid and wouldn’t learn a thing. He made 1,000 failed light bulbs before he came up with one that worked. Talk about PERSISTENCE!

Abraham Lincoln: We all recognize him as probably the greatest president our country has ever seen, but did you know that he went to war as a captain and came home a private? (That’s several demotions in a row, people). Also, did you know he lost one election for the presidency before he won? He also ran for a number of other offices which he lost, but he didn’t give up. Oh yeah… he also failed as a businessman too. Some hero!!

Oprah Winfrey: Well, you’re either celebrating or cringing, but let’s just all agree that when it comes to girl power, no one really has it like Oprah. She had a hard childhood, was abused and failed at her career. She was told she was “unfit for tv.” Well, not according to America!

Fred Astaire: Another man I’d like to have met. His name is almost synonymous with great dancing – eat your heart out, Dancing with the Stars! He was told after his first audition that he would never make it as an actor, a singer or a dancer. Well, 76 years in film later and 38 musical films under his belt sure showed that first casting director, eh? As a side, Fred kept the hand-written note from the casting director, “Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." in his home to remind him how far he’d come

Lucille Ball: Best known for her role on I Love Lucy, this powerhouse diva had 13 Emmy nominations and won 4 times! She also earned herself the Lifetime achievement award from the Kennedy Center Honors. The failures, of course, came before her role on the loved TV show. She was considered a failed actress and disappointed all of her drama professors. Take that, doubters!

Marilyn Monroe: Finally, and not because I love her least, I included this buxom blonde. She was so sexy in her day and was a pin-up to end all pin-up girls’ careers. She also sang, acted and danced. She was told by modeling agents that she should be a secretary instead, how wrong were they! Oh, and did I mention my favorite part? This woman was no size 2, she was probably closer to today’s size 14!

Source: http://www.onlinecollege.org/2010/02/16/50-famously-successful-people-who-failed-at-first/

Brownies.... and Black Beans??

2011-10-20T10:31:00.002-06:00

In my effort to disguise healthy foods, I decided to try a recipe called "Black Bean Brownies." What could be wrong with some healthy, protein filled, fibrous black beans mixed with some chocolate. Sounds like a win-win... well at least it did to me. More like a win-lose. Win first because I thought I would win. Lose because they were so disgusting I couldn't get past the bean flavor.

To be fair, I have a very discerning palate, so it's not really surprising that I couldn't stand the taste. I mean, chocolate should always be sweet and delicious, in my opinion. You should always want to lick your fingers with delight mixed with ecstasy. I mean, am I wrong in this? Chocolate should be a treat!

I got the recipe from another mom's blog site and I had already tried one recipe that was a home run, so I figured what did I have to lose? The answer: my breakfast!

See for yourself. They look pretty good. Not the best looking brownies I've ever seen, but they still look pretty yummy. Well maybe they do to you. All I see is a pile of beans deceivingly dotted with chocolate morsels.... and there goes my gag reflex.

It's not a total loss though. Little D has had a really great time making "birthday candles" by sticking Popsicle sticks into the pan. Soon I'll throw out the disappointing recipe and the brown squared things that resulted from it, but for now I'll just stare at my boy having fun and feel that twisted pang of failure.

Maybe I'll just pick out the chocolate chips before I throw it out. I can't let the best part go to waste, after all.

Working it out

2011-10-10T11:17:00.003-06:00

Over the last few weeks while being here in the SOuth, I have discovered an unpleasant fact. ... my pants are getting tight, my "muffin top" is rising like bread dough and my heaving breaths while carrying laundry baskets across the house have gotten... HEAVE-ier.

In response to this development I first began to rationalize it away. I'm in the South! It's humid down here. I must not be drinking enough water, so my body is retaining it. Retaining water = gaining weight. Sounds simple enough and I felt good about it for a while... well only a short while.

My kids have been increasingly interested in the aforementioned "muffin top" which is uncomfortable at best. Stop poking my fat! I'm aware of it, I'd rather not be, thank you!

AFter this first rationalization fell apart, I decided it must a combination of retaining water and eating too much. The logic is lost on me with this one, but that's waht I was thinking. Eat less = less me! Well, not so.

In any case, neither of these explanations that I so creatively came up with explained my winded-ness. I thought maybe the humidity was taxing my airways and I would eventually get used to it. Well, I'm used to it now and there has been little change. In fact, with fall settling into the very wooded area that we're in, the pollen of the pine trees is in full swing, there is more dust and my airways are more irritated than before!

So, this morning I woke up with a resolve to get into shape. I already found a podcast that plays remixed songs to a nice "running" beat. Well, I'm not about to try running, but I do enjoy dancing, so dance I did! I danced and did pilates moves and push ups and sit ups. It lasted about 45 minutes because it took me that long to get the kids off of me every so often.

I feel great! I even did the dishes afterward. I think I'm going to like this. It would be nice if I could get back into a size 6, but I seriously doubt my post 2 baby body will ever do that. So, if I have to stay my current size forever, I'd at least like to be fit and healthy. I don't want to be running after my kids and collapse.

Here's to success and to finding the motivation to keep on exercising! WOO HOO!

Little D's Meltdowns

2011-10-06T08:47:00.000-06:00

This morning began alright. Little D woke up at his usual time, just after 6. I had a horrible night with Little Sis, suffice it to say there was crying for hours, sleeping on the floor and midnight diaper changes followed by the rest of the night with her kicking my back. To top off my awful, sleepless night, Daddy was snoring (allergies) and clumsily poking my face in his sleep. You know what’s the best? … waking up to being poked in the eye. I’m used to it with my kids, but I’m new to being poked in the eye by my Husband. Good thing I love him.

Anyway, none of that is what is spawning this morning post. I made pancakes this morning and Little D threw a fit about syrup. First he wanted to eat his syrupy, sticky pancakes at the computer. No. Enter fit. We offer choices usually, but I couldn't think of any. Finally he comes to the table and wants his syrup on his pancakes. ... all of them. He wants the syrup to cover each and every bite, but there's already a puddle on the plate. Enter meltdown. I offer options to get the syrup on each bite, but it's not working. Then he threw a fit over his plate being an inch too close to me. That same meltdown has been going on for almost half an hour with no real sign of stopping. Daddy, bless him, is taking Little D to do laundry so I get a break from the madness. Woo HOO!

Little D’s behavior has been similar to what I just related, or worse for the last 2 to 3 months. Despite the plethora of online parenting advice and tips for 2 and 3-year-olds, there is an appalling lack of advice for parents with children who have developmental problems, special needs or are on the Autism Spectrum. Trust me, I’ve looked. I can find pages and pages about getting counseling, seeking diagnosis and professional help, however the simple day-to-day advice for parents is missing!

Against my better judgment, recently and in the past, I have asked friends and family for advice on how to deal with some of Little D’s less desirable behaviors, (i.e. meltdowns, flip-outs, screaming fits, hitting, punching, pinching, pushing, some of which he does to himself, which is disturbing). I have heard it all from spanking to time-outs, removal of toys and privileges (one person suggested removing his oral stimulation tools, clearly that is ill advised) or creating a star chart and removing stars when he does something unacceptable, or locking him in his room either with a key or with a baby gate.

There is something missing from all of this well-meaning advice, however. That is, these people, no matter how much they care about me or Little D, lack the knowledge that I have. They haven’t read the countless blogs from other Sensory moms, the books from experts, the journal articles, the advice from experts like Occupational Therapists and the like. These people, for all their advice, are ignorant of the fact that Little D isn’t just a normal or “spirited” little boy. He’s my boy. My special, sensory challenged, meltdown prone, special needy, sensational boy.

From now I need to remember, that I am the expert when it comes to Little D. I know more than all of those people; about Little D, about Sensory Processing Disorder, about what is “normal” for Little D or other children. I’m in my senior year of a Child Development degree, for goodness’ sake! I need to give myself a little credit!

I’ll end this post with a word about judgments. Since having Little D, I have learned so much about children and behavior. I don’t judge those moms I see at the store whose kids are screaming bloody murder, flipping around, throwing things. Why? Because half of the time, I’m that mom. Little D has changed my thinking, and I’m so grateful for it. So think twice before you judge a child who is throwing a fit, you never know who that child is, or what that parent is dealing with. Parenting is hard enough. Parenting with special needs children is rewarding, challenging and sometimes it’s enough to make you want to quit.

Routine .... SCHMOO-tine

2011-09-26T09:52:00.000-06:00

Every morning it’s the same routine with Little D.
Wake up. … If he wakes up happy, I have a great day and we talk and read books and he is very well regulated in terms of his sensory issues. For him (and me) this means fewer meltdowns and fewer objects fished out of his mouth.

If he wakes up grumpy (usually he’s screaming at me and yelling “NO” to any suggestion I give him) then we’re in for a long day filled with breaking up fights, time out sessions and Mommy doing her very best not to lose her cool. Trust me, it’s no picnic. I’m still getting up multiple times each night to put both of these kids back to sleep. I’m lucky if I get a 3 hour stretch of sleep, and a 4 hour stretch just sounds like heaven!


This is a picture of the tires mentioned later in this post. The pen was added for perspective.

Pardon me, I have to go pick up some butter… off of the floor. *SIGH*
The semi-loaded knife was flung around in celebration of spreading butter on his French toast … all by himself, and the best part is, he didn’t even eat it!

Little D’s newfound independence is encouraging because for some time I was concerned about his ability to do things on his own. (okay, to be honest, I’m still concerned about this to some small degree) He used to meltdown after every ½ second of trying to do something on his own. His coordination is not the best. Right now he has a small meltdown every ½ second he tries to put on his shirt by himself … and his pants. He is having a hard time seeing both leg holes and it is extremely frustrating for all of us. He is also refusing any kind of help from me or Daddy, which is just adding to his (and our) frustration.

UGH…. Now he’s putting tiny rubber tires in his mouth. I thought I hid them well enough that he wouldn’t find them. He routinely pulls tires off of his toy cars and trucks in order to chew on the rubber tires. These particular rubber tires are just too small. He could choke on them. In fact he frequently has come frighteningly close to that.

Anyway … I forget what I started this post about. Oh yeah… routine.
I guess the point of this post is, no matter how hard you try to create a routine for your kids, there will still be multiple interruptions. Every day there’s something new. Today I only included two of the things that Little D did and only one was sensory related. Despite there only being two incidents in this post, a lot more went on and it’s not even 10 o’clock yet. Oh the joys of being a Mommy … oh yeah, and one of mine has Sensory Processing Disorder. … All in a day’s routine.

Moving Day 1

2011-09-19T16:25:00.000-06:00

Little D's meltdown only a few hours into our trip.

Little Sis enjoying the fruit snacks I passed out.

Little D enjoying his "DY-a-SOR" fruit snacks.

When we saw this train, D was so excited or "Ma sight ID" as he says. He said, "OOOOooo! Mom, train go say 'choo choo!'"

Daddy had to keep fixing our trailer hitch. This time the emergency chains snapped. ... in the middle of a canyon in 100 + degree desert heat... Did I mention that this canyon was also a severe incline? Yeah. It was an adventure and a half.

The beautiful view at one point in the canyon. Those gorgeous red rocks .... so much iron. (My Geographer of a husband informed me that this is probably the mineral in the soil which makes the rocks so intensely rust colored.)

"Welcome to Wyoming" This sign was a welcome sight and came at about our half-way point. 10 hours driving with two small kids = not a fun time for Mommy and Daddy.

A wind farm in Wyoming. They were EVERYWHERE.

A moment's peace. The bad news? Little Sis was not sleeping at the same time and kept squealing and waking him up.

I couldn't get the driver to take my picture safely, so I did it myself.

The only bit of weather we encountered our first day. Light rain and lots and lots (and LOTS) of wind. I'm beginning to see the logic of the wind farms now.

The kids enjoying some time out of the car at Little America. Daddy's words were "I thought it was bigger than this." Meh.. we were only there for the bathroom anyway.

This is the last picture I took that day. The sign says "Green River 1 mile."

Arkansas ... Oh My!

2011-09-08T12:06:00.000-06:00

Well, we've officially been in Arkansas for over a month now, and so far we are loving it. It took a couple weeks to adjust to the heat (over 100 degrees F for the first two weeks we were here) and to the humidity which has been at or close to 100% almost every day.

We live in a small two bedroom trailer in a little trailer park behind a discount grocery store, my Western readers would call it a "dollar store," except this store also has refrigerator and freezer sections. Walmart is the equivalent of the local mall, but if you want "real" mall shopping you have to drive at least an hour north to Pine Bluff. That is also where the Lowe's is.

Our town is called Monticello, like Thomas Jefferson's home, only you pronounce it "Maunt-i-SELL-uh" if you're a local. It is very much the South where we are and I feel a lot like a fish out of water, or to be more geographically appropriate, a mountain in a valley.

Right away we called our local church leader and found out that there is only a Branch, which means there are very few members of our church here. So far it looks like only about 30 people come each Sunday and that is counting all adults, teenagers and children. Thirty is probably a really good week, too, so we are not even sure how many people are members. Our small Branch covers several counties, towns and townships including part of Mississippi.

Callings ...

We have both gotten our callings and it happened pretty much right away. Needless to say, the Branch is extremely excited to have us in the area. I assumed I would be called into a musical calling, which has been a standard for my life over the past 4 plus years. However, I am in the nursery, but my official title is "Assistant in the Primary." Basically, I go and do whatever the Primary President needs me to do. I also have another calling which has been pretty intimidating for me so far. I am the Seminary teacher. I teach this year's curriculum, the Old Testament to teenagers from age 14 to 18. Most of them are 15 and is desperate need of some positive leadership, someone to be friendly and respectful and someone who can help them to learn the Gospel. I guess someone thinks that I am that person, but I still have my doubts. I didn't go on a mission, but I am a life-long member of the church and I have had teaching positions in the church before. The concern I have is when these awesome kids have questions (I got several last night) and I am not entirely sure how to answer, or find a reference for the answer that I have. So far (we have only met once) it has been really fun.

My Husband (Daddy) is the Branch Clerk, which basically means he is the bookkeeper, note taker and general "do it" guy for the Branch President and First Counselor (we don't have a Second Counselor). So he is busy on Sundays and we usually get home late, which means the kids are cranky and hungry, but we're learning to deal with it, and I'm learning to pack extra snacks!

One of the biggest adjustments has been a difference in what things are called down here. Daddy asked the clerk at Walmart for some Otter Pops and they had no idea what he was asking for. Turns out they are called "freezer pops" here. Who knew!? Not us! There are so many things like that that I consider strange which are perfectly normal to them. I have also realized that I have to reword things that I say often so that people will understand me. I'm not sure how much of this is a difference in term definitions or vocabulary since I know I often use words that people don't know or understand.

Anyway, the only other really BIG news is that Little Sis is finally walking almost 50% of the time. Finally! She turned 18 months on Monday and she is just now deciding to take more than 5 steps at a time. She is doing so well with it now and is getting more confident and adventurous. However, if she wants to get somewhere in a hurry, she still hops down to her knees and does her little knee-walk/run. She is so funny.

Little D is moving into the next phase of his speech development... story telling. He narrates everything that happens and is starting to tell me what we're going to do, even if there is no way we're actually going to do those things. Here are his favorites ...

"Go get ice cweam cones"
"Go ... uh ... Walmart store."
"Go store get nanas."(Bananas)
"Go a park, a swide, say Weeee!"
"Go eat a FWENNDS!!" (friends)
"Watch Toy Story!!"
"Watch PeeR PAn."
"Mom, pweeze have some...
goldfish,
cackers,
cookies,
pie,
pAH-sick-ow,
ice cweeam samwich,
build a tower a bwocks."
He also likes to say prayers a lot now and it is so fun to listen to the things he thinks up to pray for like "ice cweam cones," "sissy eat a noo-nohs." (noodles). More about the FAB cross-country move coming.... soon.... ish.

Big News!

2011-07-21T21:35:00.000-06:00

We're moving!!

It's news I've been waiting to hear for so very long. We're moving because my husband got an amazing opportunity to get his master's degree and get paid for it. It's in Arkansas, and so now we are heading out of Boise, driving 2,000 miles to settle for the next two years in a small town in Arkansas. It's so big for us. It's big because it's a change that involves culture shock (for me) and climate shock for all of us. We're moving from the desert to the humid south, and the heat index has been in the high 90s for weeks.

This is a very big adventure for us, not just because of what we're going to do, or how far away it is. It's big because at the end of this adventure, things will be different for us. Dan will have 2 years of paid research experience and a master's degree, which will make him more employable. I'm so proud of him. He has worked so hard for our family and has not been rewarded for his efforts until now. He SO deserves this opportunity and I couldn't be happier that he finally has a reward for all his hard work... and the best part is, this reward will pay off again and again.

We are leaving a week from Saturday, which is really fast to say the least. The next few days will be filled with organizing and packing and visiting with friends and family. It's a bit of a blur right now, but soon we'll be in our new place and settling down, making new friends. It's going to be amazing. Probably the next post I have time to write will be from our new apartment, so I'll see you then!

Sensory Underload

2011-05-24T19:00:00.000-06:00

My Daniel is a sensory seeker. That means that he gets anxious when there is not enough sensory input. This anxiety can lead to epic meltdowns, tantrums and end-of-the-world style behavior.

He is oral seeking, so usually a little run around the mouth with his battery powered toothbrush will help give him the input he needs. Not so today.

We started out the day well enough, but as the day wore on we saw more and more "fish hooking." It's just what it sounds like, Daniel hooks either his thumb or any finger into the corner of his mouth, and pulls. He has stretched his mouth wide in both directions, at times nearly splitting his lips. It's scary to watch, no mother wants to see their child hurting. It's especially painful when your child deals with stress by hurting himself.

(Picture: Daniel "fish hooking")

I brought out the toothbrush, but it was just a downward spiral. Maybe he is getting a little cold, or his allergies are bothering him. He started coughing this morning, too. It's almost impossible to know what or why my little guy overloads or underloads. Sometimes it's a trip to the store (overload). Sometimes it's several days of rain and cabin fever (underload). But too often it's nothing I can pinpoint, it just is.

We took Daniel to the park hoping the swings would help to calm him down a bit. He did enjoy the swings a lot. Then he wanted down to venture over to the slide.

When Daniel is like this he doesn't want to go anywhere alone. He operates on a very tight safety net of either me or Dad and will outright refuse to do things that he wouldn't think twice about on any other day. Today it was going up stairs to the slide. Then it was walking across the bridge. Then it was going down the slide. I had to go down first before he would even entertain the idea.

Finally, there was a platform next to the slide that had a fire pole on one side, bars with a steering wheel on the other and an iron bar ladder on the third side. I tried to entice Daniel over by playing with the steering wheel. Soon he wanted to play too, but I had already gone down the slide. He got to he edge of the platform and just stopped, holding his hands out on all sides as if somehow the world was either caving in or falling away from him. I urged him forward, reminding him that he was safe, and he, very gingerly, walked forward to play with the steering wheel. He did this several times after this initial journey, but he would not let go of one hand-hold before taking hold of the steering wheel. I'm guessing this is part of his proprioceptive sensory challenges... or vestibular. Frankly it's hard to tell them apart. Not just by definition, but application in regard to Daniel.

All in all it was a good day, but a challenging one. The highlight was Daniel messing up the word 'knock.' He was saying "honk, honk, honk!" When Dad tried to correct him by saying "Na, na, Knock," Daniel repeated, "Nah, nah, HONK!"

He is frustrating. He is sometimes impossible to reason with, but he's my boy, and I can't help but love him and be proud of all the accomplishments he has made. His speech has come such a long way and I only see him making improvements in the future. He's certainly a persistent soul, that's for sure.

(Picture: This Daniel's meltdown. He covered his face with his hands, bent over and started crying and screaming. Poor kid. Our usual deep squeezes and chewy snacks just weren't working for him today. Finally I resorted to another staple, a thick smoothie in a straw cup. What a life saver ... the nap he had later helped as well).

Birthday Wishes

2011-05-14T13:40:00.000-06:00

It's my birthday. Twenty-six years ago today, I was born. I would know, I was there... although that is well before my permanent memory was established, so I don't actually know. But that's what my mother and birth certificate have told me, so that's what I go on.

I'm 26. I'm starting to feel old. This is the age I figured I'd be having my first child, which might make me feel younger, actually. Instead I'm realizing that my life is nowhere near how I imagined it would be at this age. I thought I'd be a writer for some city newspaper or, better yet, a copy editor. Take that all you grammar freaks and misspellers... whatever. The point is, I thought I'd have a prestigious career in editing. I even thought about applying for an internship with one of the many famous publishers in New York, but I never got around to it. I met my husband and got married instead.

This isn't going to be one of those "woe is me I married instead of had my dream life" posts, so don't worry.

So, like I was saying, life isn't at all how I imagined it. ... It's better.

Two and a half years ago Daniel was born. It was an experience I won't soon forget, although some days I really wish I could. Sixteen and a half months after that our sweet Emmie was born. That experience, although much better than my experience with Daniel, is still an experience I am partially trying to put firmly in the past.

Today, as I watch my children play, I am reminded of where we have been. I am reminded that Daniel didn't always speak this well or interact with us so easily. I am reminded of the "epic meltdowns" he used to have multiple times a day, every day. I am reminded of the long, sleepless nights holding Emmie while she quietly suffered, refluxing again and again. I remember my little ones before we figured things out.

Today I am reminded of all we have been through to get to where we are, and I am grateful. I'm grateful that my kids are growing up so well and so healthy. But most of all, I'm grateful to be me.

I'm not perfect, but that hardly matters today. I'm as good as I can possibly be, and my kids love me even on my bad days. My husband appreciates me, even though he doesn't always say it.

This morning I hopped out of the shower. It was a really great shower, I have to add, because my husband kept the kids from bothering me too much. So peaceful to be clean! Finally I know just how many times I washed my hair because I wasn't interrupted by a scream or "Potty, Mommy!" Anyway, as I got out of the shower I saw some baby-sized hand prints in the foggy mirror. In between the hand prints was a smudgy face mark from Emmie. Maybe it's just me, but it was such a precious "mommy" moment. My daughter's little hand prints in the mirror (which I now know I need to clean, by the way) and the reminder that I'm older, and soon my baby's hand prints won't be so cute and baby-sized anymore.

Growing older has its perks, but sometimes it not only a reminder of where we've been and what we've accomplished, but how much we're leaving behind.

This is our most recent family picture. I hope my birthday finds all of you in good spirits, and I hope you take a moment to reflect on how much you have accomplished and maybe shed a tear or two for what you're leaving behind. But try to limit those tears to the one or two, please. No bawlers on my birthday!

Reflux Redux

2011-04-22T14:07:00.000-06:00

WARNING: Possible TMI post. Read at your own risk if you have a sensitive stomach.

For those wondering what "redux" means or if it's even a real word, rest assured it is. It is Latin and means "revisited" or "brought back." I looked it up and at the risk of sounding juvenile, Wikipedia confirmed it.

So Emlyn has been mostly reflux free since she was about 9 1/2 months old. Well, not so anymore. Over the last few months the reflux has been increasing and has been accompanied by some other worrying symptoms like distended belly, gas, cramps and spasms, i.e. PAIN, crying, vomiting and occasionally, diarrhea. She has also had trouble sleeping and has been showing signs of sleep apnea, just like her brother. It looks like before my girl is 2 she'll be having a surgery to get rid of those troublesome tonsils. She has been constantly sick since October. That's six months of near constant illness including one bad double ear infection. The croupy cough is her constant companion as well and I am beginning to suspect that she is breathing in the acid and food that is coming up her esophagus. Poor girl can hardly breath now with all the excess mucus in her nose plus her throat too. It also seems like she might have developed some post-nasal drip as a result of the reflux too. She's choking on everything from water to crackers and all the other textures in between. We got her back on Prevacid but it takes time to get into her system, so hopefully before it has been a week she'll be better. It's so frustrating to have a little girl who loves to eat refuse everything because she simply can't stomach it.

One of the more concerning issues that has come up is some spasms and belly distension that comes in episodes. The first time this happened she was a tiny baby and had the reflux so bad I was beginning to wonder if she would start losing weight. It was awful. Now she's older and bigger, but I have similar concerns for her. She'll refuse to eat or drink and her belly gets progressively puffy. Then it kind of hits a climax and her cute little belly turns nasty on us. She's gagging and throwing up and having awful burps. Then the pain and spasms begin and her belly turns into a hard bloated mess. After much screaming, thrashing and arching her back she passes a lot of gas and settles down enough to sleep. I haven't been able to connect it to any particular food yet. Right now I'm considering wheat and dairy, but that doesn't explain why it is somewhat hit and miss. She doesn't get this all the time, yet she has milk all the time. She doesn't have these issues even on a weekly basis, but she does have wheat and pasta on a weekly basis. There must be something that is going on internally or chemically. I don't know.

Basically my little girl has these fits about once a month now and they are usually over as quickly as they begin. The longest one was almost 2 hours, but I think that's because we kept trying to feed her things. We thought she might be hungry, I guess. It seems stupid now.

I'm just hoping the prescription can take care of my little girl's symptoms so she can get some relief. The new pediatrician said we could get her a referral to a GI doc if we need to. Our well check is in 10 days and I'll definitely be bringing this up and asking for that referral. I'm at a complete loss. Since these attacks are unpredictable I don't know what to go on. If anyone reading this has any suggestions please let me know.

Bored or Boring?

2011-04-08T16:37:00.000-06:00

Only boring people get bored. That's what my husband would say, thanks to his parents. So that's leaves me with a pretty important identity crisis. I have been feeling bored lately, so what does that mean? Am I bored, or am I boring?

You might say I should take up a hobby. I have a few. I obviously have a blog to post to, but I can only think of so many things to write in a day. Plus, these posts are pretty disjuncted anyway. Maybe you think I used 'disjuncted' wrong or spelled it wrong so I should work on my grammar and vocabulary. You'd be right... about the vocabulary.

I could take up knitting, but those needles are a bit scary with little fingers around. Especially when all my little fingers like to put things in their mouths.

Maybe I could be a budding artist. I have pencils and I have been known to draw, but drawing takes finesse and patience, two virtues which are not part of my repertoire, at least not in abundance. (Hey, I'm doing pretty well with this vocab thing!)

I scrapbook, which is pretty fun, and I'm behind... okay, so I never started. Don't judge me. I just spent more time in the last 2 years being pregnant and nursing than anything else.

I used to sew blankets and I'm willing to attempt something a little more complex like a dress or skirt. But where would I find the time when I won't be in the way of my two littles. This is not a very large apartment, you know? I feel like I'm always stopped in my tracks by one of my kids or by a toy or clothes or chores that are in the pathway.

Sometimes I think I should start building a web site, but that requires study and training, both of which I'm not sure I want to do at this point, and if I do, do I really want to devote my time to studying and training for that skill when I may or may not use it? I probably won't use it... that's just my hunch.

I have a couple of other options, but those options would take me away from house and kids, and that is truly what I have loved most about the last year. Two kids under two was hard for a while, then little D turned 2 and things have been getting better and better and even a little easier.

So, until I figure out what I should do with my life until August (that's when classes start again), expect to see more posts and maybe I'll get crazy and post a few pictures. *gasp*!!

**P.S. I looked up 'disjuncted.' It isn't a word. The word is 'disjunct' which means 'separated' or 'disjointed' the 'ed' on the end is unnecessary. This note is for all you readers who didn't catch my humor and decide to look it up in order to correct me. And yes, I know it is not the best word choice. A better one might be 'cohesive' but, again. The humor.

Special Needs, Special Circumstances

2011-04-04T15:48:00.000-06:00

We had our initial interview for Idaho Early Intervention today. I was really anxious about it and I am still not 100% sure why. I think I was concerned that they would find that D doesn't really need the help. But isn't that a GOOD thing? I should say YES! Of course! But I just can't say it. I don't know that I feel he definitely needs it, but I'm not sure I know how to help him through some of his issues on my own.

When my son melts down at the grocery store and starts crying, screaming and thrashing and generally making a scene, I just want to tuck him under my coat and run for the door. Forget that I just spent an hour finding the much-needed food and supplies. When we're sitting in the quietest part of church and all of the other kids are barely making a sound and he starts arching his back and throwing anything he can get his hands on and screaming and saying "NO" as many times as he can all while boxing his own ears, I don't know what to do. Usually Dad steps in at that point and takes my son out in the hall where he will be less disruptive to the meeting. How can I function as a mother and teach my son how to be fully functional?

The problem is two-fold. First, he is big for his age. Most people ask me if he is 3 years old, not 2. If he spoke better, I might lie and say "Yes, he's 3." Somehow that might make me feel better. But being a 2 year old isn't easy. At least he doesn't seem like he thinks it is. Anyway, I was saying, since he looks like a three-year-old he is most often held to three-year-old maturity standards until people learn differently, which usually isn't in the first or even third meeting. My son is pretty shy and it takes a while for him to warm up to you enough before you realize he's not just a shy boy. He just doesn't talk as much, or as clearly, as the other kids in his nursery group. How do I tell people, "Yes he looks like a 3-year-old, but he's two, and he's even behind for his age so don't expect him to sit still and be quiet. He won't."

The second issue is that part of me doesn't even want anyone to know that my son might have special needs. It isn't obvious at first glance that anything is even wrong. In fact nothing is severely wrong. He has been slightly behind in his speech and other developmental patterns, but he's catching up quickly. His speech is still hard to understand, even for me, and I'm with him more than anyone else. If I tell his nursery leaders that he has special needs, what will that do to how they treat him? I want him to have the best chance at a normal life, not a life with special needs requiring special treatment and special circumstances. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just not what I feel my son needs. He might be a bit slower in his development than other kids who share his birthday or even a few months either way, but he isn't obviously behind. What's more, his delays are probably not permanent, and even if they are the chances that he can overcome them are really pretty high.

So, does my son have special needs? Yes. Does he require special circumstances? Sometimes. I just don't want people to lump him in a category that sets him up for a mediocre performance in school or in life. He is worth more than that to me, and I think he is worth more than that to almost anyone else who knows him. He's sweet and loving and he knows a lot more than he is able to communicate to us right now. I think that will change. As he gets older he'll be able to overcome or at least compensate for his shortcomings with speech. After all, there are a heck of a lot more ways to communicate than just speaking. So that brings me to the question of the day which is, how do I tell people what they need to know about my son without making him sound broken or like he's missing a few? I'll let you know what I figure out what to say, but for now I'm planning to not say anything unless he needs me to or unless other people seem to question my behavior or his and them knowing might help them interact with him better.

Admirations

2011-03-23T22:15:00.000-06:00

This week started out much like every other week for the past month. Then I got some distressing news. One of my husband's cousins' little boy had a severe brain hemorrhage in the early morning on Monday and has been struggling for life ever since. Now he is struggling for consciousness and to regain some of his faculties. The details are depressing and even a little hopeless, but the best news of all is that he is making some small signs of progress. He is only partially ventilated now, and his eyes are finally responsive to light. It will probably be a long road back and it is still very critical. Only God knows how long this struggle will continue for him. Please, if you're reading this and you believe in God or the Universe or whatever, think positive thoughts and pray for Ethan.

In the midst of this family crisis I have found a new realization about myself. I'm not hopeless. I'm not desperate. I'm just me. I'm happy to be who I am and to be where I am, even though sometimes I'd rather be some place else. I look at my face in the mirror and I realize that I don't have to be perfect or airbrushed to be beautiful. My soul is good. My heart is kind and those two things are more than any makeup or shadow could give me.

I have a dear friend who has a web site and a photography business. She posted something today about how being in the middle of the journey is "the good part." Once you're over the hump, the battle is done, you're happy, but the struggle was what was fun. The journey made life interesting and enjoyable, so enjoy it now while you're in it. Thanks Jen for posting your insights. They really inspired me today. Check out her page at http://jenikaslens.com/. Hopefully that link works and hopefully you are all as impressed with her photos and personality as I am. Often times I wonder how we ever got to be friends. She is like a four course meal at a five star restaurant and I'm like home-made chicken pot pie. Both are delicious and satisfying, but one is a little rough around the edges and sloppy to eat. Maybe that's a bad analogy, but you get the idea. When we were kids we wrote down our goals and dreams and read them to each other. She has done everything on her list and then some. I have only accomplished two. Now, don't get me wrong, my two are pretty fabulous. I wanted to get married to a wonderful man in an LDS Temple, which I did, and I wanted to have a family, which I have. My husband is amazing and so much better than I deserve. My kids are so fun and loving and creative and I'm glad they're here. And truthfully, I wouldn't go back and do anything differently. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't know why I couldn't check off everything on my list, but it doesn't matter. I'm a good person and I have friends and family who love me. My greatest wishes have come true and then some. Jen, if you're reading this, thanks for having adventures for the both of us. One day I'll get to go to Scotland, or maybe take that trip to Greece. Until then, my friend, I'll be chillin' with my kiddos and cherishing every minute.

P.S. It's my husband's birthday. Happy Birthday, my love!

P.P.S. My sister is selling Mary Kay and I built her a web site with an easy web site creator. Check it out and tell me what you think. You could make my sister happy if you clicked on the link to order some product, but no pressure! here's the address: www.annamaryk.weebly.com

Wishes

2011-03-14T20:24:00.000-06:00

Our current living situation is less than ideal, and I often think about what I would like to improve upon when we make our next move. I decided to make a list of these things on my blog here in the hopes that I will stop wasting time thinking about them during the day!

1. A gas stove, or glass-top electric stove. At the very least I would like a stove made in the last 5 years that has a digital display and oven timer and at the VERY least has burners that don't tilt your pan in all directions while you're cooking. Making sauces and soups can be very interesting to say the least.

2. A kitchen sink that is deep. I would like a kitchen sink that is industrial sized. Why? Because I hate having to do dishes by hand in a sink the size of a bathroom sink.

3. A kitchen faucet that is far enough away from the sink divider that I can use our faucet filter.

4. A fridge that opens up into the kitchen without being in the way. Our fridge is currently in a place that means we have to walk around it while it's open. If the kitchen chairs are pulled out more than just a little bit, then forget it. You can't get through. I hate having to back up into the wall, pretty much, in order to get back into the kitchen after loading up with food stuffs.

5. THREE BEDROOMS!! PLEASE!! Right now we have one very large bedroom and one smaller bedroom. At least the second bedroom is large, but we still have to share with miss Em, and who wants to do that? She'll be 18 months by the time we finally move out of here, and let's just say, that is NOT the way I pictured my life being!

6. A living room large enough to comfortable house our couch, entertainment stand and TV, chair and piano while still leaving room to walk normally, not sidestepping.

7. An office. I'm tired of sharing my study time with the TV, piano and toy boxes.

8. A family room/play room. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to banish the children to a play room or basement in order to get some work done? I could actually finish an entire assignment or two in one sitting during the day and not have to wait until nap time or bed time! I also might be able to blog once in a while... more often than I do now, anyway.

9. No through-the-wall/ceiling/floor neighbors. For once I would like to have all the walls of our dwelling actually be our walls. I don't want to hear the neighbors fighting, partying, watching movies, listening to Disney tunes or doing the unmentionable.

10. A safe neighborhood with plenty of sidewalks and a backyard all to ourselves. Not only to I enjoy gardening, I also enjoy being able to sit out on a lawn chair and watch my kids play in the grass and dirt. How can you learn to love the land if you never get to sit in it? That's just my thought on the matter. I thoroughly enjoy being outside and I do it more often if I feel like I have a little privacy. Imagine being able to take a laptop outside and work on my Vitamin D intake whilst also letting my kids have a blast.

11. A Dishwasher!! As much fun as it can be to wash dishes by hand, I've had just about enough of it. It's been almost two and half years of washing by hand and my husband and I have had it. Liquid dish soap is expensive and so is heating water to the right temperature so you know the dishes actually get clean. On top of which my skin is so sensitive I break out in a rash unless I use gloves, which also need to be replaced every so often. Why not just buy a free-standing one? There just isn't any space. Our kitchen is smaller than at our last place and there wasn't any room for one in there either.

12. A washer and dryer!! I like clean clothes. The only thing I like better than having clean clothes, is not having to go anywhere to get them cleaned! If I had my own laundry room, I would wash clothes all day. Okay, not really, but I would really appreciate having my own space to get the washing done.

That's the top 12, and I have a few more, but these are the most important ones. Maybe now I'll stop being so whiny to my husband. :)

The Big MOVE and Internet Fasting

2011-02-12T10:09:00.000-07:00

Recently I posted a few too many opinions on my social networking account and it caused a few too many opinions to be posted in return. I never felt like a bad mom or a failure mom until I read some of these opinions from "friends" about my opinion. It wasn't even anything really important, just a rant of mine over a holiday tradition. The point is, I was so upset I had my husband change my login information for the social site so that I wouldn't go on and retaliate with words of anger and hate. Yes, I am actually capable of some pretty nasty verbiage.

Anyway, since I was fasting from that site, I have extended that fast to other things where my opinion might be shut down in a not-so-subtle, not very kind way. That included this blog. I'm a little sad now that I didn't blog over the last two months, but what's done is done. I won't take it back.

Almost a month ago we moved our little family back to Idaho from Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a whirlwind decision that seemed to come out of nowhere, but so far I'm glad we made the move. We went from about 850 square feet, 3 bedroom apartment to an almost 1000 square foot 2 bedroom apartment. One of the bedrooms is large enough to be 2, so we are sharing that one with Little Sis. Let me tell you now, I am SO glad that this is only a 6 month lease because waking up every time she rolls over is getting really old REALLY fast! I'm at least getting used to the exhaustion now.

It is also nice to be close to my sister and her kids. They are so good with my little ones and they seem to adore each other. It has also been nice to still be so close to a temple. The Boise LDS temple is only about 20 minutes away, and Dan and I have enjoyed going there. So much peace can be felt inside that holy house, and it doesn't matter which temple you are in, the feeling is the same.

Our closets are still stuffed full of boxes and bins which we have yet to go through, and half of the rooms that are "put away" still have piles of papers and junk that needs to be gone through or thrown out. One of these days I'll get to it, but that day is NOT today.

Also, we are speaking in church on Sunday, which should be fun considering I haven't really written anything yet and I still have two exams to do this week.

In other news, I have realized two things about the passage of time that have made me feel extremely grateful. Since Sis is so close to turning 1 I have been mentally and emotionally revisiting my late pregnancy and labor with her. It was NOT the pleasantest of experiences, what birth is, right? But hers was unique in that she had ultrasound diagnosed problems that would have required intervention after birth, but once she was born the problems disappeared. She was supposed to be underweight, but was born a healthy 6 lbs. 6 ozs. She almost came early at 35 weeks, and then again at 37, until I was finally induced at 39 weeks. So, the first thing I'm grateful for is that my little girl came to us healthy and strong and that she continues that trend. The second thing I realized is that when Little D was her age I was almost 5 months pregnant! I am SO grateful to NOT be pregnant right now. I have done a happy dance at least 3 times about it. Having children is an adventure, and when they're close together it is a pretty crazy one, but SO worth it. That said, I would prefer to only have the adventure of children being that close in birth once in my life.

Happy V Day everyone!

English RANTS!!

2010-12-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm not usually a grammar nazi, nor am I a grammar snob. I'll admit, I frequently use incorrect grammar. Even on a daily basis. But here's the issue I have tonight that I need to get off my chest. VOCABULARY!!

How can a person exist in this world without a decent vocabulary? Seriously!? So many times over the last few weeks I have seen word choice errors that should not have ever happened. Have we lost all our sense of pride? What about that old dusty book known as a dictionary?

Call me a nerd, but I used to read dictionaries as a kid. I'd put lines in the margins next to words I didn't know and then I'd challenge myself to use one or two words in a few sentences at several points during the next week. Yes, I know it's totally nerdy and geeky and ... whatever. The point is, I educated myself. I didn't wait for someone else to correct my grammar or my word choices, but it did occasionally happen. If I ever doubted my word choice or the usage of a word, I *GASP* LOOKED IT UP!! There's no shame in looking up words every once in a while, or always. Some people ought to be looking up words on a several-times-a-day basis.

Examples of improper word usage that has irked me of late:

"I needed to have more room on the shelf so I consistently removed some of your books, if you're wondering where they are."

Okay, despite the fact that this sentence is poorly formed (as are many of my own, I'll admit) the use of the word "consistently" makes ZERO sense! Consistently means that you are doing something time and time again... daily even. Not a one time thing! Furthermore, the word needed in this sentence is something more along the lines of "therefore" or just eliminate it altogether.

"I'm so greatful for ..."

I get it. Gratitude is a virtue we should all be striving for, and maybe I need a good dose of it right now, but this is just wrong. If something is "great" it's awesome, terrific, wonderful, praiseworthy, joyous, etc. Something can NOT be "great-FUL" the word simply does NOT exist! The word you are looking for is "grateful" I know, the spelling is weird and it doesn't make sense, but that's the rule, so deal.

"These shoes are so epic"

Apparently I missed the change in definition of this word since it is now consistently (a correct use of this word, by the way) used by people to describe anything that is neat, cool, a good deal, etc. Epic used to mean larger than life, shocking, etc. For instance, the Lord of the Rings Trilogy would be considered epic because of its larger than life special effects and story line spanning decades (if you read the books, anyway).

There are also misspellings that could be chocked up to slip-of-the-finger mishaps, but I know the truth.

The bottom line is, perfection does not exist... but please, please, PLEASE for the love of the English language, pick up a dictionary once in a while!!

*rant over*

Surgery Fears

2010-11-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

Daniel's tonsil surgery is scheduled for a week from this coming Wednesday. I hate to admit that I'm terrified. There are so many things that can go wrong in any routine surgery. What's more, I keep thinking about how many other things the doctors could find with their tests. He is having a GI scope done to check for damage from his refluxing. The doctor could also find a number of other structural problems that may be causing the reflux. The ENT is also doing a scope and he could find things that would require other surgeries or therapies. The cardiologist is also doing an echo cardiogram which is looking at a known heart murmur. We just don't know how serious the murmur is, if it's serious at all. So many unknowns, and I can't help but feel fearful.

The most important and simplest procedure Daniel is having on the 17th is the FISH test. They are pulling vials of blood in order to test for the deletion on his 22nd chromosome. This test could come back either positive or negative, but if it's negative he still may have a mild deletion that cannot be detected. Basically, I keep thinking that there is still hope (though it's pretty small at this point) that he's just a normal kid with a few minor issues that can be fixed with therapy and counseling. Once the test results are back, if it's positive my hope is over. He'll have the deletion and nothing can fix it. I keep thinking about what his life will be like, and I keep wanting the best for him. What mother would NOT want the best for her child? A bad one, that's who. I'm a great mother, so my concerns and hopes for my children are also great.

I decided to use 22q deletion as a topic for a research paper for one of my classes in an effort to try to accept things. I'm learning a lot, and some of it is scary like how 60 percent of VCFS cases also have an accompanying mental illnesses like OCD, schizophrenia and ADHD. Of those I would prefer ADHD, but I would rather he had no issues at all. The truth is that it's helpful to have information so that I can know what we might be up against. The flip side is that it's hard to see what may happen since we have no way of knowing where he is on the scale of issues. Since I started doing the research for my paper, I was searching for books at the library and found two that looked promising. One called out to me just by its title, "It's Nobody's Fault." It's really more about mental disturbances and illnesses like ADHD and how it's a brain issue, not anything parents have done or didn't do. The other book was written by a man who grew up with learning disabilities and also happens to have VCFS. His name is Quinn Bradlee. His parents were prominent writer/editor at the Washington Post. It's hard to read because so many of his experiences are reminiscent of what we're going through with Daniel, but it's good for me to read it because he's a grown man and has more confidence than I do, and I'm "normal." The book is called "A Different Life" and it's opening up a world of possibilities for Daniel that I wasn't seeing before. I think when you're raising any child with special needs it's up to you to be realistic about their potential, and it's your responsibility to help them reach their potential and educate others about it. Daniel may not be a brilliant scholar or a rocket scientist, but he will graduate from high school, have friends, have jobs, and most importantly, he'll enjoy life. I know he can because Quinn Bradlee did, against all odds. He even attended college, made a movie, wrote a book, set up a web site. ... Daniel can do anything he sets his mind to, and I aim to teach him that his entire life, no matter what the results of any test may say. He's my boy, and I can't shut down his dreams, but I can help him reach them.

Sleeping... Trials and Triumphs

2010-11-02T16:27:00.000-06:00

My daughter has not slept consistently in any pattern since birth. She is now 8 months old and has not even made any attempts at sleeping through the night. My son was sleeping through the night by the time he was 3 months old and did so consistently unless he was sick. Why, oh why then has it taken my little girl so long to figure things out? I don't have all the answers, but I do know that I am finally figuring out how to be the boss. She's a baby and, as such, has no real idea what is best for her. I am an adult, and I have done reading upon reading upon studying upon praying and I know what is best. At least I aim to know.

We began the weaning-to-a-bottle process about a month ago with one difficult day followed by days and days of success. Finally, I decided that it would be best for both of us if I continued to pump, and my daughter continued to eat from a bottle full-time. This began last week and has been so successful, I'm not sure why I didn't do it sooner. She has just started taking two actual long naps and last night she slept through the night. When I began pumping, I was only producing between 3 to 4 ounces of milk per side. She was only eating on one side each feeding. If I did more than that, my body would not produce the milk she needed. Now she is drinking 8 ounces of milk/formula each time she eats which is about 3 to 4 times a day! No wonder my little girl was so irritable! No wonder she refused to sleep!

With all of this success, I can hardly believe that I waited so long to start feeding her this way. Part of me feels guilty that I couldn't continue to feed her from the breast, but in the long run, it is more important that she develops good sleeping habits. If that means she eats from a bottle, then that's what we're going to do. The bottom line: Guilt is normal, but doesn't accomplish much more than making me depressed. I'll allow myself to be sad about it, but I'm not getting carried away. Little Sis is happier, and that's all that really matters.