"Photo Therapy"

Dear Africa, you helped me write this

2012-02-13T08:14:00.000-08:00

I added to this list throughout my month...I may add more as I am home and realize there are so many more things I will truly miss.

Things I will miss:
-"Mzungo" It always makes me laugh
-The heat
-the cool evening
-seeing simba and pumba and the whole lion king gang

-How ridiculously cheap everything is

- thick jackets and wool caps and even the ones that go over ears and button below the chin- worn midday, despite the heat (obviously not worn by me)

-Feeling like a celebrity (this includes mzungu mzungu, staring, and the numerous calls of : "how are you? I am fine" without ever getting in a word)

-Mangoes. Not mangoes like you eat in the USA. But really amazing mangoes. Red and green. Ate out of ones hand. Juice sticky and all over and so good

-Everything including coleslaw being made with or from fruit

-Bamboo.

-the handful of little Plums for a nickel

-Baboons crossing the street (often with babies gripping for dear life)

-giraffes in the back yard

-The children of Kenya that I met (who don't ask for money or treats....only because the ones who come up, bow their heads and say "sopa" are genuinely there just to say hi)....even the "how are you?"s are wonderful

-Wildlife. Everywhere. notably having the right away. Zebras. Baboons. Giraffes. Warthogs. They all have he right away. Even children ;)

-Did I mention food is really really cheap here?

-Saying "nice try" when I am asked for more money on matatus ( see below )

-Matatus

-Piki pikis (see previous post)

-the other hundred ways to travel in kenya (post coming soon)

-school uniforms of all different colors

-"Naishipae! Naishipae!"

-Swahili - next time, I'm totally spending the money on Rosetta stone. I want to shock and awe them with my bargaining skills and ability to actually talk to people rather than just smile and nod.

-the colors, of all the shirts, overwraps, etc, hung out to dry, often draping the bushes or fences

-Kenya's honey- notably mixed with vodka and lime to create their country's drink: Dawa. Sooooo good.

-Handshakes - this was actually very cool. And so unamerican in that nearly EVERYONE you see (not just meet), is greeted with a firm handshake, even if you're just wandering down the street and someone is on the other side.

-the language of the Massai

-The bowing of the childrens' (and even teenagers') heads when you meet them.

-soccer soccer everywhere. they even call it soka. well some do. other places its always the english premier league. I got pretty used to only watching chelsea and man U playing all the time

-The numerous ways Africans can wear their hair. Man - why can't this mop i call my hair work that way

- Morrison - my waiter at Carnivore who sat down and talked to me for twenty minutes. Of course I didn't have enough to tip him for all the people he probably upset, but man was he a nice guy, especially knowing I took the matatus and stay at a host family house.

-watching people carry water, and everything else on their heads

-Tusker Beer

-Hospitality

-The amazing style of Ice cream that kenya has.

-Chai...Kenya's version....all the time.

-Kenya time. No matter what, you're on time. even of In the USA you would be an hour late.

-Local Maasai people walking around chomping on twigs (for toothbrushes of course)

-trees

-The smell of food coming from the muddy house next door

-the comical names of houses, buses, shops, everything

-Virginia, my host mother

-the ear lobes, earrings, ear "dressings" as I called them

Things I won't miss:

-As hinted above...Being charged more because I am white....though when I talked to a waitress who was lighter complexion (though clearly African with that marvelous hair) she told me she Even gets charged more because of her complexion

-commercialization of everything

-throwing trash on the ground because there is no where to throw it away, even when I would hold on to it and take it back to my house, the host family just threw it out on the ground to be rummaged by the dogs

-Washing myself with a Bucket....this is huge. Showers truly are amazing

-The heat ( I know I know, i will miss it as well, but come on ... It's a love hate relationship when you're this white)

-People telling me I can't go out at night as its too dangerous.

-"hotels"

-"beds"

-"roads" - more ruts and potholes than is humanely conceivable -well not anymore

-Piki pikis - again, love hate relationship

-"give me your money mzungu" ... There are no "polite" words in Swahili so "give me your money" is equivalent to "may you spare some change please"....but it still feels like a forced thing that drives me nuts and I just want to say - have some manners!!!! But instead I say no, I am sorry, I have no money today.

-mosquitoes and flies

-Buying water....though again- ridiculously cheap so maybe I shouldn't complain

-Diversity....no really... You can't miss it if you rarely saw it

-The wine list...wait what wine list? Cue -why I'll miss Tusker Beer

-The electricity being off for over a week because someone associated with Kenya Power decided to go up and steal the oil from the transformer - so it died. Unfortunately I had taken it for granted and did not charge anything prior to it "going poof"

-Although, without power there was no TV. And I definitely won't miss Kenyan tv; so much drama, in fact they constantly needed so much drama they have taken Vietnamese soaps and tele-novelas and voiced over them in English. So much drama
-Having gone to REI 4 times and still not feeling like I was prepared ... Despite being here and now knowing nothing can prepare you.
-FaceTime being the only way to hear the voices of my family. I should have bought a Kenyan cell phone.
- cattle everywhere

-Kids huffing glue because it takes away the hunger pains

Sorry to end on a sad note...but I can't get the image of 7 school age boys sitting on the curb with water bottles coated in glue just because they're so hungry they need to get away from it all. Hard to forget.

Through all of it though, you still realize how lucky you are. To have a family who loves me. To have food, money, shoes, friends. Though it is amazing, that even without all those things, there is laughter. So much laughter in Africa. That I will definitely add to the things I will miss section. I miss the constant laughter. Of children. Of gossiping women. Of the Massai men. Even if half the time it was at me. Africa truly has some very happy people, especially when considering their circumstances....for being called "the happy one" I think I need to let loose and laugh a bit more.

"How did Mandela get the will to surpass the everyday
When injustice had him caged and trapped in every way?
How did Gandhi ever withstand the hunger strikes and all?
Didn't do it to gain power or money if I recall

And any man who knows a thing knows
He knows not a damn, damn thing at all
And every time I felt the hurt
And I felt the givin' gettin' me up off the wall

I'm just gonna take a minute and let it ride

I'm just gonna take a minute and let it breeze

I'm just gonna take a minute and let it ride

I'm just gonna take a minute and let it breeze

Comin' out of Mogadishu and still draped in the mess
And no matter how we strong, homie
It ain't easy comin' out of where we from, homie

And that's the reason why, I could never play for me

Tell 'em the truth is what my dead homies told me

Ooh yeah, I take inspiration from the most heinous of situations
Creating medication out my own tribulations

Dear Africa, you helped me write this
By showing me to give is priceless

Nothing is perfect man, that's what the world is

All I know is I'm enjoying today

You know 'cause it isn't every day that you get to give....
Cause you got to give....

I got nothin' to complain about

You know where I'm from

You know where I'm at last, so
You know I was flyin' high

I'm just gonna take a minute and let it ride
I'm just gonna take a minute and let it breeze
I'm just gonna take a minute and let it ride

I'm just gonna take a minute and let it breeze"

~ Just gonna take a minute. K'naan ~

Hope and No Worries.

2012-02-09T12:42:00.001-08:00

There were days I wrote things but never had the opportunity to post given limited wifi access. So as I return home and get my life re-settled before starting PICU on Monday I will post a few here and there. My first PICU week is nights, and since I am horrible at either not posting, or staying awake and posting instead of sleeping I may or may not get to it. I also don't have my computer for a bit, and we all know I'm not posting any of my camera photos without making sure they're the best they can be.

So all photos for a bit are from my iPhone. And I would really like to figure out how to post videos, so I'll work on that over the next few days.

2/1
If anyone thought African children had won my heart before, it has increased ten fold. As I spent my last day lounging at a resort, full of people from Europe and India I heard sounds I hadnt really heard for 3 weeks. Whining. Crying. Complaining. What is with the children of first world countries that makes us whine and complain so much? How does a two year old really get away with screaming like that? How did I get away with it?
For three weeks I watched children take medicine that adults wouldn't even take in the US. Ground up chalk like clindamycin tasting awfulness. And while it certainly wasn't taken with a smile. They opened their mouths and swallowed the putrid medicine with a bit of a grimace and asked for water. Politely. The concept of consolidated medications doesn't occur when there are very few medications to begin with so a typical zpak is instead two separate medications for 1-2 weeks. And malaria medication doesn't come in a syrup-it's too expensive to be giving away. It comes in the nasty chalk tablets again. Which get crushed. And I don't want to even think about doing a taste test, they look awful. At first I thought-it's just a way of life. These kids have been taking malaria medications for their whole life, it's just something they have to do. But then you walk down the Trails through houses. You sit in the busses. In the matatus, so loud and chaotic it would scare most kids, and children sit. Quietly. Some hungry. Some tired. Some just want a nap. But even that doesn't cause temper tantrums and "it's Nap time Breakdowns". Terrible twos would be a totally foreign concept if attempted to explain. Foreign is exactly the word. For it is us foreign first world country children who get terrible twos. I will be sure to post quite a few photos of the children of Kenya, but for now I'll share a story and an adorable little girl:

Yesterday I was in the matatu, riding from a town about an hour away to the hotel. The matatu was getting packed. (see previous post for matatus) . A mother -not more than twenty with a baby wrapped in a sheet around her and a small girl- looked one but walked well so I'd say 18 to 24 months. The mom was able to squeeze in a seat but the adorable little girl was set back. She landed in my lap. I couldnt have been happier. 5 min later the front seat opened up and the mom was moved up. The little girl in my lap watched her mom get out of the matatu and into the front, she looked up at me and expecting tears I start in saying its okay it's okay ( one of the few things I can say in Swahili) but instead of tears, of fear. The little hand grabbed my camera strap and pulled herself closer to me. As i looked at her, her eyes stared back-so huge as if they could measure my soul with those eyes. this beautiful girl sat on my lap for another ten minutes. Stealing my Heart. The matatu eventually stopped and we all got off. She wouldn't let go as I looked for her mother in the crowd. My bags disregarded for a moment. I handed her to her mom. Her little hand slipped from mine and she went her way, I went to get my bag. She was so tolerant of it all. She wasn't passive, but observant. And again, not a single tear.
When I think of Kenyan children, I see her and I see hundreds of swarming children in bright school colors, laughing, screaming in joy, playing soccer with a tennis ball.
I'm not sure I was ever that happy with just a tennis ball. And yet, they are. They swallow their medications without complaint and fall asleep in a strangers arms with the chaos of the matatu whirling around them. Hakuna Matata. No worries.

I wasn't lying about those eyes...

Loved her hair:

"We have struggled and come a long, long way
To finally see what we built break away
Seen homes and families fade away
So now I'm standing, singing this song, with hope today....
Could it be the revelation
could it be my inspiration
Could it be so that we can rebuild the nation....
Let's give them hope as ammunition
Flowing with love in a new direction
Hope as ammunition
Love in a new direction"
~ Give them hope. Liz Ogumbo ~

The Mara

2012-02-05T07:34:00.001-08:00

I have plenty of safari pictures from the Maasai Mara (known by the locals as the Mara) and I will be sure to share my experiences as I wrote a few notes on those adventures. But while I have a few minutes I wanted to share some pictures. Here a just a few. And yes, I really was that crazy close. If I reached out, I could have pet a few lions. The cheetahs and leopards stayed a bit farther away. But the lions all were that close lounging around. Eating. Relaxing. Sleeping.

Saw all of the big five at the Mara. Luckily I had see. Some rhinos at Nairobi national park so completed my big five easily. (thanks to illegally seeing a leopard----story to come later :) )

Meet Sanaipei...

2012-01-27T00:18:00.000-08:00

This is Haley....

She is better known around here as Sanaipei.

Upon first meeting her I would have guessed by her brown skin she was a Hawaiian...then she said "zed" when spelling out a word and saying the letter -z- ... Not even Hawaiians talk that weird! :)

I then thought she must be at least 25 with how composed she is with her surroundings in Massai land...then she told me she has taken a year off between high school and college-at Queens university in Canada.

So alas, she is a Canadian who has spent the last 6 months living in the little town of Kimuka teaching at a primary school, learning (and attempting Swahili/Massai), and getting tan...but more importantly in my opinion-changing the lives of so many at such an early age.

In Kenya, primary school just recently became free. So long as one has a uniform (my favorite part of driving the roads is seeing all the different kids in different uniforms depending on the school they attend). While often tattered, passed on, and accompanied by sweaters (even in 85 degree heat) they signify pride, learning, and the knowledge of their grade.

However....and this is a big however, HUGE.....secondary school (or our equivalent to high school is not free). No it costs families quite a bit. As much as all their property (animals) or their yearly income to send one child to school. The reality of only having one child? Slim to nil. The chance that they will go to school: 50-50.... Because if you are a boy, you'll probably go. However girls.....???? Girls stay home. They are to valuable in the home cooking and cleaning and helping take care of younger siblings. Girls are to start families. At 14!!!!

I found this quote online:

"It used to be girls would just get to class seven and then be married off. They were seen only as money, as a dowry. But maybe in the last ten years people started realizing that when a woman is educated she brings light to her community—even more than a man. So now, people are starting to think it is good for a young girl to go to school." Eugene, RUSH primary school teacher.

Good idea? How do you thing Haley got where she is? How do women become anything without knowledge. They won't know more than 7th grade ANYTHING! Let alone english, which they have to know to get promoted in this country.

So families keep their girls in the home, saving money and earning a housekeeper. So what becomes of the girls who stay home? They get pregnant. They get dowry-ed off. They do not advance to become doctors, teachers, members of their communities. But what can be done? How can you change anything....well how about this:

http://www.gofundme.com/imanigsi

Wait....how much does it cost to send one girl to school? 300 dollars. That's it. For a year. They live there. They get food and housing and education. They receive knowledge. All those ads on television, and you think should I send money? I don't know what 300 dollars will get with those....but here in Kimuka, in Ngong hills, you will be directly responsible for changing a girls life-for a chance that a girl may become a doctor, or accountant (as one told me was her dream).

Change someone's life today. You don't have to come all the way here to do that. You can instead donate and make an enormous difference.

Thank you for reading, it's very rare I put something like this up, but I felt that Haley's mission was remarkable, and she truly has become the most incredible Sanaipei this place has seen. I would tell them to retire her name, no one will ever live up to it-like 23 in Chicago, but since our two names seem to be the only ones and you can't have two Naishipae's I do not think they can!

http://www.gofundme.com/imanigsi

Please donate.
For all those times you wondered... what can you do... look at these two girls and think: teachers or dowry?

Mzungu

2012-01-25T03:05:00.000-08:00

Everyday at the end of school (around 3) my little friends come join me. Lucy is one of the workers in the clinic. She calls herself a subordinate. But what she does is work In the pharmacy, is the receptionist and cleans the place every morning-she basically is the heart and soul of this place. I can't see it running without her.
Her daughter is 5 and is one of the children. She is so smart-knows so much english already in addition to swahili and massai.
She makes me laugh. She does a crazy dance everyday and calls me mzungu. Says it over and over : mzungu mzungu mzungu. White person. Yep. I am white. Quite white. Though getting redder each day :)

I have a video of her dance (though not as animated as usual) but will figure out how to post it later

The other part of kids that I love are the greetings. Younger generation greet their elders by bowing their heads and the elders hand is placed on the head with a hello ("sopa"). After one week, I finally was initiated by a little patient who didn't know I hadn't done it yet. Then he tilted his adorable little head. Since then, I get a head tilt with every little youngster. Makes me feel a little more like an insider. A mzungu insider, but still :)

More later....

Clinic day

2012-01-23T03:06:00.000-08:00

1/23
Today again I am on my own, but this time some of the children really worry me. One child (of only 3 months old) with cough and fever and failure to resolve with one antibiotic but the closest xray is 1.5 hours away and I was informed they wouldnt go. They don't know if child has HIV, she could have TB or some horrible pneumonia but with limited resources we try another antibiotic and more Tylenol and hope it works. I told them if she's not better in a couple days we absolutely need an X-ray, at least they agreed to that. Another child with the loudest murmur I have ever heard came in for vomiting. Now what? Where's an echo machine... 2 hours away. And appointments are booked for months. He looks well. Is growing standard Kenyan style (hes now about 2 years old) and his liver is not huge. That's a bonus, but still makes me nervous. Apparently someone told him to take medicine in the past for his murmur so mom doesn't understand why it hasn't gone away. I'm not sure what medicine it was, but that is definitely not going away without some type of surgery.
So again I sit and hope for the best, thinking of they've made it this far, my dumbness in medicine won't hurt them, but I keep thinking this is definitely beyond my capacity. Despite everyone here being nurses, who have been in school for three years then start right away treating patients, I can't help but think they still are far more qualified than I am given they see these sicknesses everyday - and know what dose to give the kid with worms. But maybe I helped a little with the murmur. Maybe I pushed them to get help. But maybe they won't get surgery anyway, wouldn't undergo that if they had to, because it costs money, it's tough to recover from, it's more effort than can be completed -requiring long trips on buses packed with people. I don't know. All I know is it didn't seem right and in the united states that would have already been imaged and treatment planned. I can't help but think though....we aren't in the united states.

Naivasha lake, KENYA

2012-01-21T10:14:00.001-08:00

January 21st 2012
Jambo!!!
I have written about my time in clinic and at my host family, but unfortunately my iPad is at the host family's house but I will upload another weekend. I am currently in naivasha. A tourist town for sure, but I am staying out on the lake at he cheapest place with a shower :) lucky me there I wireless Internet as well. Internet is hard to come by at my host famiy's location-very much secluded. However wireless is impossible anywhere (other than here). We got here yesterday afternoon after a lot of matatus (buses you literally help on and hope to make it inside) and discovered amazing food (I had samosas with bacon, caramelized onions and Camembert cheese!) as well as my first Tuskan beer (a local favorite that one of my fellows asked me to bring back a twelve pack for him).
Today we hiked to the top of a crater (about seven camels back hills out together-got my butt kicked) then to a boat ride by the lake and a "walk with animals"....animals included wildebeest buffaloes zebras waterbacks and giraffes. There are giraffes and baboons and gazelles behind my host's house but still it was amazing.
Tomorrow will be biking through a safari land (no lions so you can bike). Oh, also forgot to mention one of birds, eagles, pelicans, etc as well as huge hippos we saw on the little boats. So fun. Here are some iPhone pictures. More from the good camera upon arrival home. Pictures in reverse order from above descriptions.

Much love!

My first clinic day...and the official start of my Massai journey

2012-01-13T10:38:00.000-08:00

Today was my first day at the clinic, as for the past few days I had been nauseous and vomitting. The clinic is a 15 min ride on the "piki-piki" (a motorbike that honestly scares me so much no matter which one I ride, that if I am to be medi-vac'd out of here it will be with a broken ankle, road rash and concussion...I wear my roadID vigilantly on these trips).
I spent the first 2 patients observing...I was baffled by the girl who itched all over and had weird bumps all over her-the nurse went with ameobosis and worms. she got flagyl, paracetamol and milaria medication.
I tried to express I was a doctor (the first bafflingthing I apparently said as I was billed by the program and my host as a nurse) of CHILDREN (the old lady I saw as my third patient all alone, did not only have 6 medications prescribed everytime she came in that i had never heard of, was afflicted by an africanillness an despite not having teeth was not just an old child.) However, I learned a few things:
1) It is a rarity to not leave the clinic without having gotten an antibiotic
2) every fever (unless accompanied by a runny nose) is malaria. Or at least is treated as such even though they do not send a smear or any other test.
3) children get 200mg of ibuprofen. adults 400mg. no mg/kg
4) for children under 5, our service is free. Everyone else is charged 50ksh (kenyan shillings. Exchange rate that crazy fee. thats called about 65 cents.) Did i mention all medications are free if prescribed?
5) Just when you think you are starting to know some stuff. Go volunteer somewhere. I think it would be much easier to be a volunteer surgeon...no major differences from one country to another if you bring your own equipment)
6) I re-iterate: I know nothing

I am so thankful I was recommended a book by a 3rd year, as well as skimmed quickly (though wish i brought) "where there are no doctors."

Overall the diversity of illnesses is a bit more that what i recall in Ghana, where I think there was only 3 illnesses: african sickness (malaria), disease of old age, and disease of pregnancy. i surprisingly saw a few allergic rhinitis (5 days of TID anti-histamine), muscle strain, diarrhea, malaria, goiter, and classic viral gastroenteritis (septra and butt shot of penicillin-because everyone gets abx)

oh and no one has allergies to medications. A rapid strep test was the most foriegn and advanced concept of the day. And they fully admit to creating superbugs. "But what choice do we have"

I thought, no way, no way this is okay. Then i was handed the kenya malaria book...and finally found an algorithm. It shows...if you dont know, and you dont have a test, you still do it. Oh and you apparently dont look in ears. I wish anti-malarials treated otitis media. I think I would sleep better knowing I was preventing mastoiditis as well.

Oh...and I got my Massai name : Nashipae. It means "the happy one". Apparently it's the fall back name but I'll still try to live up to it!

Gratis dientsen

2012-01-12T04:01:00.000-08:00

Hanging out in brussels airport currently. After interpreting the wifi web page (amazing how you can just sound things out)

I have watched a few movies, read the new tucker max book, and now looking at google maps around Nairobi. I will be staying with the host family in Ngong, Kenya. Not sure what it will be like but the satellite images are available.
Comically I mostly wanted to share the coke machine dispenser as it made me last :

Will add pictures hopefully of Kenya on my next update. Thanks for following!

Sorry, I can't put them in the right order nor can I shrink them!

I'll keep working at it :)

T minus 36 hours

2012-01-10T21:55:00.001-08:00

Leaving to kenya in 36 hours. As you can imagine a lot of mixed emotions. No running water (hair cut 3 inches thanks to lauren Parker @ lunatic fringe on parleys) and no electricity....there goes updating the blog....or even keeping my pictures in order.
Family started worrying a lot in last week, which of course leads to me starting to worry. Wondering can I handle "camping" for 3.5 weeks when the longest was 2 weeks, and even then ash and I had beautiful falls to wash our hair in and iceberg streams for for water-cue steri-pen. Do I know anything about malaria-other than I don't want it-no. Can I teach about HIV/aids?-maybe. Can I manage a patient walking into clinic with another "african sickness" with the diseases of the unknown?-no idea. Do I want to try to test my knowledge-absolutely...as long as no one dies because of it. So yes, I'm nervous, I'm scared, I will dreadfully miss my family, my dog, my bed, and my nebulizer. Oh and probably a few tv shows.
But I am excited to encounter new patients, new diseases, new animals, hopefully a safari, and just the overall experience. It should be amazing...at least a moment I tell my kids, and to persuade me (or dissuade me) from doing it again next year.
I hope to hear from you all during my trip and I'll miss everyone.
Here's a picture of a fire I made recently and Hayden staring deeply and perplexingly.

Love you all.

Unbelizeable

2011-12-28T14:21:00.000-08:00

Checking in from Belize. Made it on Monday after a rather rough morning. I spent the whole night on call throwing up every few hours. Each delivery Ben and I were called to, would commence with me setting up the warmer and items to "resuscitate" the little one, then I would go throw up, to run back for he delivery. It was quite a rough night. I left that morning from the hospital in the Tahoe. 2 minutes into the drive my tire went completely flat and I had to call everyone I knew in my phone book to find someone awake at that hour to pick me up to get to the airport on Time. What a morning. Add that to the shenanigans of the day before where I had to be interrogated about y whereabouts in connection o a spring of burglaries put the weekend as one of the strangest of all. As many people have said before....I always have a story. Totally true. A friend and I were once voted as the best people to drive across the country with...because there would always be some crazy happenings going on!!!

Since making it here on monday we have gone to town, laid by the ocean, jammed to music, taken photos (McKenna has posed a few times obviously) kayaked a few miles and gone it to eat at some great places. Last night we went to a little restaurant called blue iguana. We had amazing appetizers called Isalnd shrimp. Basically crispy shrimp with a spicy aioli sauce. I asked the waitress what made it spicy, and 2 minutes later the chef/owner came out to talk to us. Shockingly he said people buy it by the container and it only has 5 ingredients in it. If we wouldnt have to check our bags to bring it back, I would have bought a few bottles of the stuff. It was amazing. He even just said, okay, to be specific it has 3 cups spicy garlic sauce, this amount of thai sauce, etc etc and rattled off the specifics. I was shocked by his honesty and just sincerity when it came to his prized cooking. (I am not going to share the specifics, because while he was nice enough to share, I am sure I would take the unique awesomeness away from his place) McKenna and I ordered blackened shrimp tacos and while he was telling us about his adventures and travelling to belize he was called back to the kitchen. Turns out he they ran out of tortillas for the tacos. Makes it a little tough to eat them! I ended up getting the shrimp fettucini, which was soaked in a slightly spicy cream sauce with tons of veggies and "succulent" shrimp. Man, so good. We got more island shrimp on the house, free drinks coupons and we all remarked how we hope we could go back. So should you all make it to San Pedro, Amberguis Caye, Belize (of which EVERYONE should), go visit the Blue Iguana (much better than the one in Salt Lake), ask to meet the owner (he is easy on the eyes as my mom said), and promise to order the island shrimp-even Bruce liked the spice! and go sing karaoke in the bar underneath.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday week, as usual, the Belzers certainly are.

"Have you ever seen your reflection in a tear

Rolling down on a freckled chin?

Have you ever had days feel like weeks?

And weeks feel like days?...

And we're drops in the ocean

In the ocean

Drops in the ocean, its all we are

Drops in the ocean

drops in the ocean

Love's great big ocean...

Still it felt just like a home

Out on the ocean carried on a boat

out on the ocean

drifting on the ocean

floating on the ocean

sailing on the ocean carried on a boat...

in this ocean

loves great big ocean

Come on in, the waters fine

and I don't mind"

~ Drops in the Ocean. Forest Sun ~

Picture...perfect

2011-12-26T04:23:00.000-08:00

Mondays are in reality the days I look forward the most in terms of posting my pictures. Despite so many of my photos are of the beautiful outdoors, there is no doubt taking pictures of the human spirit are my favorite photographs of all. Probably evident by the usual extra lengthy discussions for those Monday shots.
Nature is all around, and finding something facinating is not all that hard, but taking a different picture than either someone else has before is indeed much tougher. However, given the instant access to such amazing hikes, lakes and mountains nearby in combination with my past trips to world wonders, I find the outdoor photos are my go-to shots. But people, people are my favorite. While attempting to take a photo of the person standing before you, it is not challenging to find a new perspective. They are a person after all; though they still have the same birthmark on their arm, green in their eyes, or scar on their chin as they always have (or since a young age in regards to the scar) their emotions change by the minute. However, catching just the right moment is slightly stressful and like me, not too many people willingly jump at the chance for their to be photo taken. So while I love taking pictures of people, it is not as easy to access people freely as I can with those outdoor "go-to" shots.
There is a certain excitement in capturing the spontaneous moments of people's lives. The photos of people along my journeys who I do not know, but still are able to see their emotions, thoughts, or even dreams are much different than the photos of people I know who are close to my heart. Sometimes the people you know can be so easy to photograph: knowing what they will do next even when there is no plan, knowing the thoughts in their head based on a smile or a look, just knowing and being in close connection because of a history. All of these and more are probably why aj was one of my favorite people to photograph, mostly because I felt like what we imagined as a crazy "photo shoot" usually led to something entertaining, memorable and often pretty darn cool. I think we always ended up at the conclusion of said "shoots" with something we were both proud of. Like how a brilliant photo of a tattered "perfection" bumper sticker sits behind her as we were "busting a gut" at something, though nothing I can remember, makes this photo really unique in my mind. I also feel like you can look at this picture and feel an emotion, maybe wonder what made her laugh so hard, but one feels joy, peace, and maybe a little of their own sense of being. Of loving life. Nothing is perfect, but sometimes it can really seem that way, in a totally imperfect kind of way.
However, it is more often than not actually difficult to find such moments even with those you know, I can say the thought: "shouldn't I know how to make this look good, or at least not look HORRIBLE" definitely comes to mind during photo sessions. Honestly, it makes it super stressful when you know the subject of the photograph and things just are not turning out how they should. I can only imagine what it is like to be a wedding photographer. The most important time in the couple's life as of yet, and the photographer is being paid to capture it perfectly; despite more often than not, not actually knowing the couple all that intimately and taking a chance that "stock" positioning, portraiture and set-ups will work. I suppose that is why having the person take your announcement/engagement photos may actually be a complete benefit to be able to better transform your wedding into tangible memories for all to see. Though I honestly thought it was a little crazy to have to pay all that money for two separate things, I actually now think it is a really really sound investment for your photographer to get a better grasp of the couple and their interactions.
I digress. I guess the point I am trying to make, is I love posting on Mondays. I love taking photographs of not just people, humans, but the human soul as it is seen through faces and the lens.
People are different every moment of their lives. Never again will you see such an instant in time, the above instant in time. Each moment slips away, sometimes in laughter, in tears, or even in silence; no one recognizing, or maybe just not really acknowledging the said moment has dissapeared forever. Each second is new and gone. Each moment different. Each motion unique.
As Natalie Portman said in Garden State (in a moment trying to get Zach Braff's character to loosen up and just do something totally unique) : "This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing." I am quite certain he wiggled his finger and then made some random noise, which was totally ridiculous, she made fun of him and then proceeded to do some weird dance.
So here I ask you: Have you done some weird finger wagging, dolphin sound and/or a strange but TOTALLY UNIQUE dance lately? Get up. Do one. Then know you were the only person to ever do that ONE THING at that exact moment in that exact place! :)
In all seriousness though, as you have sat here and read all this, (and I mean ALLLLLL this), moments have passed; moments of thought, moments of a slight smile, maybe even a upper body sway dance. The point is, those moments are ones I love to photograph and in them I find the human spirit amazing: whether it be just in thought, in being, in a ridiculous dance. I find it to be the most beautiful of all things to capture with a lens. Moments of perfect joy, as on can see above.

This photo was taken I with my Canon Rebel, probably the stock lens, and no flash (it was from my old computer so I only have my memory to guide me). I do remember sitting all the way in the back of a closet though to try to take a picture with enough width. So maybe it was with a prime. But I do not think I had my 50mm at the time, so who knows. Thinking about it, we probably were laughing about me being stuck behind all these clothes just trying to take a damn photo for a long distance love. It was a bit ridiculous, but as most times were with us back in the day, all things were. Breath. good, good memories. I am glad I saved this one from so long ago as there are not many I still have from my old computer. Notably, this is the only one from that day, and am I glad this is the one.

If only I really could rewind this year, and a few days, if you'd believe me, it wouldn't be perfect, but there would still be pictures.

"I hope all my words come out sane,

I know it sounds like the one I wrote for you last time,

The words are new but it means the same...

You know I served my time,

I'm on the winding road of change,

I try to keep up, but I slow when I walk that line,

And only my past is left to blame...

And if I could find a way,

To rewind this year and a few days,

We could start right here,

And you'd believe me."

~ Believe me. Kelly Dalton ~

Cause when I am with you...

2011-12-21T16:39:00.000-08:00

I know I have done a pretty poor job of keeping up with posting. It is probably about to get a whole lot worse. I will be going to Belize next week, then home for 10 days before going to Kenya for a month to work in a clinic outside Nairobi. I hope to still blog from Kenya, or keep an offline journal and then post it when I get internet access. However, we all know I will take more photos than even I can imagine going through in a month. I am hoping to be able to go through them daily so it wont get too overwhelming.
I am certainly looking forward to it all, though I can say this blog may be pretty dead between then.

Though for now, I will try to post a few things before I take off to Kenya mid January.

As those who have read through my posts, more religiously than I actually post them I think, I made it all through California, and now have a hope of going back, but understand the difficulties that arise in my decisions, and why I may end up just as easily in Milwaukee, or staying in Utah. To be honest I cannot really complain about any of those options...but when you know, you know. So we shall see.

So. For those who love traveling as much as I do and for those who will miss my blog for the days I am gone, I will go against my normal practice of just putting one picture up and through on a few more from my trip...intertwined by the perfect song (i accidentally fell upon this song as i travelled, and knew I had to find pictures to take for it)

(of note, I did not take the first picture. I had one, but this is way cooler)

~ California. Joey Ryan ~

California, California

Know I love you, California

When I leave, I know you wait for me

Cause in the sun and in the weather

No one else has loved me better

California you're the place for me

Los Angeles, Los Angeles

My heart goes out to you and if

I make it back I'd love to drive around

Cause your streets are wide and dirty

They have raised me in a hurry

You're the city with the angels, yes indeed

San Francisco, San Francisco

Always busy, you're always pretty

I can see you just across the bay,

Your red bridge over the sea

Keeps me safe, warm and free

On a clear day, there's no place I'd rather be

In the mountains, In the mountains

No one knows you like I do

And summer streams are knee deep in the snow

Just like the giving tree you have made a man of me

Cause everyone needs someplace beautiful

I think everyone needs someplace beautiful

California, California

Know I love you, California

When I leave, I know you wait for me

Cause in the sun and in the weather

No one else has loved me better
California you're the place for me

In valley, In the Valley

Give me life and cradle me,

The sun is setting as I drive ahead

So keep us and sustain us

Give us food and love and I trust

That without you we'd all soon be dead

In the forest, all the trees
You make a little child of me
How I long to know what you have seen
All the people who are gone
And all the ones who once were strong
Oh won't you keep their fate from claiming me

In the oceans, in the sea
we have seen eternity
how can I tell when you really end
I imagine that you lead to other worlds entirely
Where we can save ourselves and start again
Yes we need to save ourselves and start again

California, California

Know I love you, California

When I leave, I know you wait for me

Cause in the sun and in the weather

No one else has loved me better

California you're the place for me

So nurse me like a mother

Raise me strong just like my dather

let me wander off, discover who I am

I'll have learned your deepest lessons

Gathered up your finest blessings

Return to california once again

Yes, I'll come home to California once again

California, California

Know I love you, California

When I leave, I know you wait for me

Cause in the sun and in the weather

No one else has loved me better

California you're the place for me

Yes, California you're the place for me

Oh, California won't you save a place for me?
Cause when Im with you I am never alone....
When Im with you I am never alone....
Never alone....

Save a place for me....happy holidays everyone.

California groves and groovin' to the california soul

2011-12-20T17:48:00.000-08:00

This photo is taken in one of my favorite spots in California : Lemon Cove. Now, yes what you see is an orange derivative, not actually sure what it is as it looks bigger than my usual favorite from their groves-setsumas. The Pascoes live above the groves. In an awesome house overlooking the valley. They have horses to rome the hills with, all the boys have huge lifted trucks of which I got to drive one from Texas to California one year in Medical School with Lesley to take home for Brent. I spent Thanksgiving there this year (see the Thanksgiving/ Pascoe Blog ) and as always had a wonderful time. Full of guns, beer, food, leftovers, setsumas, and a cute little boy I finally got to meet named Logan (hes 16 months old, so yes when I mean little I mean little).

I had an amazing week, which was supposed to be all based around my trip to Lemon Cove, but of course was sidetracked by interviews, BSU games and Stanford vs Notre Dame. I was glad I had ten days to fit in what, as Jill said, most people don't do in a month. Though when I got home, I immidiately felt like it was too short.

Taken with: Canon 7D. Lens: 24-70 Exposure:1/8000 at f3.2 (ISO 1250)

-Just another example of how the wide angle lens can be used for close ups with low f-stop (ie blurred out background)!

Sometime in the next week (yes while I am gone) I intend to post a chronicle of all my california adventures. So stay tuned.

And in the meantime...listen to this tune and watch the Lincoln Lawyer. Good show.

"Like a sound you hear

That lingers in your ear

But you can't forget

From sundown to sunset

It's all in the air

You hear it everywhere

No matter what you do

It's gonna grab a hold on you

California Soul, California Soul

They say the sun comes up every morning

And if you listen carefully

The winds that ride on the high time

Whistle a melody

And so the people started to sing

And that's how the surf gave birth untold

California Soul, California soul"

~ California Soul. Marlena Shaw ~

Little miss one big mess

2011-12-15T22:20:00.001-08:00

Again I sit on a plane. Off to another destination. Another interview. So much difficulty in these days. Such an internal quandary. The programs mottos, the different cultures, the thought - or maybe scare - that this choice determines the next 10 years of my life. As great friends decide to stay in utah, move to places I dream of living but can't do residency there, of friends lost as time has passed but I wish I could ask their thoughts, of others busier than I to even pick their brains. Sisters making life choices as well, I feel lost in a sea of not knowing, of knowing too much, of dreams and maybe even impracticalities.
As I embarked on similar journeys 2 years ago, things seemed to fall so perfectly in place. It was like falling in love with a soul mate. But now I again dance a dance that does not have that same feeling. It is like not a single one fits what I hope for. Not a single place has wooed me completely. In addition, each day I am reminded why I love the little kids. Why I wish I could have combined residencies. Why 400 pound men who need surgery won't make the best patient to put asleep. For those out there who choose anything other than peds with the ultimate goal of working in their specialty, but a pediatric one, I have even more respect for them. It takes a lot to deal with an adult when all you want to do is act silly, talk in a funny voice, fix things that aren't because of choices but maybe just unfortunate genetics.
I do deal with adults on an every day basis, and in reality, despite hopefully making a difference for their child, tthey are whose lives i have truly touched. Superman may not remember me when he is 10 but I'm sure katie and sam always will. But still. There is the laughter in the room. And just a different feel everyday at work. If you've never been in a children's hospital...go when you're having a bad day. See the murals and art work that's better than I could do at 29. Listen to the live music. Walk into a room and ask a burn patient of he wants to play Xbox and watch what just a little distraction. A little effort does for them. Mountains are moved. And you will walk put feeling a bit lighter, a lot happier, and wish you could come back. I know I will eventually get to that. And I know I will be stoked to walk into the hospital knowing were Doing a liver transplant...even if it is on an adult...there are bound to be a lt of blood bags hung. The rush and thrill will be cool. But I also want to come home at the end of the day and be happy. Feel complete. Like I said I'm still searching for that.
Today felt a lot like that connection. Felt like someone on the other line cares as much about your goals as I do theirs. Stanford won my heart today. I hope talks of college soccer (their women's soccer won the NCAA champion under the reign of the man who recruited me to the east bay), feedback Thursday's and maybe even
talks of blue turf won their hearts. I guess we will find out. Otherwise after that I'm not sure. Move back to Milwaukee is likely in the cards as it too had an amazing program That recognizes my skill set as a benefit not a deterrent. I suppose as I ponder such decisions in the heartland of Kenya....yes I turn my match list in when I am in Kenya-hoping for a "lights on" month- I will either look forward to march 16th with confidence. Or with sheer terror.
There's always general pediatrics in eastern Idaho.
Speaking of....if you're looking for a great new tv series I have discovered hart of Dixie on CW (also on Hulu and cwingo.com). A surgeon who don't he her fellowship spot is recommended to do a year of general practice work...she lands in the Alabama gulf coast. The story line comical (only slightly off base in that she took off to Alabama the day after fellowship positions announced (their not exactly announced the last day of residency, ie the day wrote fellowship starts) and she did only 4 years of surgery residency.....its 5. But otherwise she can actually pull "glenoid labral tear" out of her butt and say it correctly- not the most common of things to tear-though that's what is wrong with my shoulder. In addition to he very minimal medical stuff that is happening in a town of maybe 500, the soundtrack Is killer. A combo of country, folk, up and coming bands like blitzen trapper it is stellar.
So that's what I know today. Not a whole lot. But more than yesterday which is when I wrote most of the above...until the Stanford stuff. That happened today. It's a good day. A new day.
Yes McKenna, it'll be alright again. You're okay. I promise you in the end, it'll all make sense....if it doesn't, it isnt the end (poetic license of a hallmark card)

"Little miss gone on the road,
Little miss I give up,
Little miss I'll get tough don't you worry about me anymore...

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah sometimes you gotta lose til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Itll be alright again, it'll be alright again

I'm okay. It'll be alright again. I'm okay. It'll be alright again. I'm okay. Okay.

Little miss do your best
Little miss never rest...

Little miss you'll go far,
Little miss hide your scars,
Little miss who you are is so much more than you'd like to talk about.

It's alright it's alright it's alright
Yeah sometimes you gotta lose before you win.
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again. It'll be alright again...

Little miss brand new start,
Little miss do your part
Little miss big ol heart beats wide open she's ready now for love ...

You were wrong.
Little miss.....I'm okay, it'll be alright again."

~ little miss. Sugarland ~

just me...

2011-12-12T07:10:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the late entry on this, I was trying to do it before I left but apparently it did not all get done, nor the music even quoted...

My photography teacher had told us to make sure that every once in awhile we take the time to do a self portrait. For all who know me...I am not a self portrait type of person. I had getting my picture taken. I hate smiling on purpose. Part of the reason why I always carry a camera with me; I am in control and I less often am subject to the other side of the lens. I always end up with people who take "portrait" photography, rather than people photography. So the fake "cheeeeeese" is way worse than a spontaneous laugh or even cry for that matter. I will delve more into this one of the next couple Mondays. However for now, I leave you with a reflection. A photo taken through a mirror at Jill's wedding this summer as I was getting ready for the event. I took thousands of pictures those few days to chronicle the event. It was a blast taking so many random pictures and at the end of the day (or month) handing Jill a CD for her to go through and see what was all going on behind the scenes as she was busy getting ready or dealing with some family drama that happened to unfortunately occur over her special weekend.

So thats the story of the picture. It is taken with my camera but by someone else as I was trying to figure out how best to take one of Jill and I reflection as well.

Taken with: Canon 7D, Lens: 24-70 Exposure: 1/20 sec at f/8.0 ISO 2000 (odd combo of exposure. Must not have set that right)

"No words
My tears won't make any room for 'em, oh
and it don't hurt
like anything before

this is no broken heart
no familiar scars
this territory goes uncharted

just me...

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart
I love to watch the colors fade
They may not make sense
But they sure as hell made me "

~ Uncharted. Sara Bareilles ~

Thinking cap Friday

2011-12-09T07:35:00.000-08:00

Abstract of the day....

I always think they are easier than they are so hopefully a few of you out there get this.

Biggest hint is the following:

"You don't believe I've been redeemed,

Wade in the water

Just so the whole lake goes looking for me

God's gonna trouble the water"

~ Wade in the Water. Eva Cassidy ~

it is first and 15, I got the fireworks... ***

2011-12-05T19:25:00.000-08:00

What better way to get back into the swing of things but with Monday portrait, a contest, and the broncos.

As you saw earlier, I was lucky enough to get to go to my 3rd Bronco game this year against SDSU. I had hoped I would be watching the national championship team on their way to world domination, but instead I just got to take this picture...but then Alison entered it into a contest.

So if you would be so kind to send Ali to the bowl game...

CLICK THIS !!!!! (no gimmicks, no hoax, no jokes, no pretenders***)

Then click the little icon with the thumbs up to like the picture. This will "vote" for the photo. Looks like this for those who may have never seen it (no you cant click on this, you have to click on the above link where it says "click this" then click the thumbs up hand)

-----------}}>>> (above)

Here is the photo so you know it is for real:

BOISE STATE BRONCOS ( got screwed ;) )

Thank you!!!! (From Alison :) )

"Tryin' to make it out the dark,
That's what we raise our lighters for,
Smokin' on that blue turf,
Just like them boys in Idaho."
~ Boom Bap. B.o.B. ~

*lines also from the same song

48 gb of memory for 2800 miles

2011-11-27T08:22:00.001-08:00

I am about 2 hours from meeting my mom in wells Nevada, 5.5hrs from being in salt lake city. It was a crazy week and I cannot believe it has been 10 days since leaving. I feel like so much of my fall was put into planning this trip, now it is over, tornado style, Belzer style, "what just happened style". At least I have The 48 gigabytes of memory cards and a whole lot more on my phone to start to weed thru. I suppose I better start with potential Christmas card pictures and work my way towards blog worthy. Right now my dad and I are driving through the middle of Nevada and all I hear is "wow, I wonder how many chukar there are out here. Every ridge just looks like perfect habitat" and on and on...all about chukar. Such a nerd. Couldn't have a better driving partner though! In case you're wondering where bruce got involved, he decided on Monday for this crazy plan where he would fly to San Jose, I'd pick him up to go to the notre dame vs Stanford game and then we would drive towards salt lake meeting my mom in the middle to swap out him for Hayden as my parents have been so wonderful to watch her at the casa de ladybug lane during all of my travels. The idea worked out fairly decently except for me being horribly tired and having to work tonight (shocking I tried to get every last drop out of my vacation...that never happens) and that notre dame played abysmal. At least there were more fans for ND than Stanford; makes me realize if I end up there season tickets may be the easiest to get of any of the other interviewing places. Dad now states much like after last year's Viking-Packer game that he will never fly for notre dame again. I suppose these promises are easy to make as long as the broncos keep MOSTLY winning :(

Nearly back to monotonous resident life of working nights, skiing days, Christmas parties and packing for Belize. Maybe I'll get back to my photo routine as well, but for now here's some to tide you over from the iPhone.

Will explain the photos of Thanksgiving, Pascoe family, adorable Logan Earl and all those guns later....and yep, I think I nearly covered that whole map.

Playing, playing, playing, playing.....

and he sat down, put his head on the carpet and fell asleep right in front of me

"Do you know,

when I read your letters, I break down,

I break down.

This old world keeps turning me around and around and around,

tell me where your love can be found,

can it be found?

You know that I run 2,000 miles

2,000 miles away from your love.

Running away,

Yeah, gonna keep on running.

Running away.

Away from your love."

~ 2,000 miles. David Andrews ~

More frisco love

2011-11-22T16:38:00.001-08:00

"oaktown, Oakland definately in tha house hahaha
Frisko, Frisko
[Tupac] hey, you know LA is up in this
Pasadena, where you at
yeah, Inglewood, Inglewood always up to no good
(Tupac) even Hollywood tryin to get a piece baby
Sacramento, sacramento where ya at? yeah

Throw it up y'all, throw it up, Throw it up
Let's show these fools how we do this on that west side
Cause you and I know it's tha best side

yeah, That's riight
west coast, west coast
uh, California Love
California Love"

~California love. Tupac feat dr dre ~

After all...California is cold

2011-11-22T10:55:00.000-08:00

Made it north to San Francisco in time for exploratorium, applicant dinner and bus rides. Oh how different a Sunday night at 11PM is from SLC on even a Friday night. So nice to feel people, the sounds of voices, even the honking of horns. I think as I have travelled around I have realized it is so hard to find the balance I seek in my life when things like culture, art, diversity are nearly as important as space, outdoors, and back yards for my dog. My interview on Monday was great. All that I was hoping it would be. They really emphasize different back grounds, multidisciplinary rounds and influences as well as ICU. For em what I am doing is a novelty, but one they want to embrace and create their own niche in. They are very interested in creating leaders want everyone to be leaders in their own right. It was a pretty cool and I look forward to coming back for a second look. Here are some photos from the last days.

"the mist fills,
quiet room.
san francisco

what the hell was all
the talkin’ round,
where is it now, sunny california?

the still sun, never moves, across the sky…
funny thing, time....

lay down in your new town
walk the ground.
glass and houses fill the fields.

now the moon sees everything
in this sanitarium
can I get through, like the moon gets through,
across the sea
treacherous.
and now you’ve gone, after all we’ve known,
and after all that I’ve been told…
california’s cold

lay down in your new town
walk the ground
how you made me weep on sansom street
and how you made the weather come."

~ san francisco. Gregory Alan Isakov ~

Angels going free

2011-11-19T21:44:00.000-08:00

I think a song and some photos should tide those over for now. And a bit of parkour ( hoping fences) running from the security guards threatening to call the poe-lease on us and a whole lot of fun. Had my interview. Saw Jill. Met Alison and her friends. Oh Alison. I love that kid. I'd get put in handcuffs for her, luckily it didn't come to that, but the guy watching us hop the fence to get to our seats would have wanted otherwise!!!

Off to Bakersfield to see baby logan. And the Pascoe and lucero gang!
Ps. If kellen Moore doesn't win the heisman I hope it's rg3.

"Oh Los Angeles we leave you now
At the setting of your skies
As we leave the comfort of your ground
With your angels we will fly

Well you carried us in broken dreams
Like a mother does her sons
We were scattered 'cross your dirty streets
We were dying one by one

And you held us in your city lights
When our eyes had lost the stars
And we made our peace with lonely nights
And you healed our broken hearts

Well they say the Big One's gonna come
And you'll fall into the sea
We will know that then your work is done
And your angels will go free"

~Los Angeles. Peter Bradley Adams"

4,045,203

2011-11-19T07:49:00.001-08:00

I am using my voice control on the phone so i apologize for missed words and lack of periods. I got to Los Angeles last night after a fairly uneventful drive. it was actually rather quick. It took me about 10 hours with a one time stop for gas. I made it to the alisons house, then after watching the mentalist we went to sleep. this morning we woke up to head down the street to a cute cafe for a nice breakfast and cocktails. Alison left with a couple of friends to go to San Diego and i headed to the beach with so much time to kill us afternoon. Many of my Los Angeles friends already have gone home for Thanksgiving so I decided I would go to Santa Monica to ride the ferris wheel. rather than take the more inland 405 north i decided to pull off at Redondo Beach and pick the Pacific Coast Highway up to Santa Monica. As I got closer to the ocean it was necessary to get off hwy 1 and go even more west, to the beach streets. To cruise along the coast, sun roof open, windows down, listening to music. Watching the waves roll in and people run around.

It's amazing how much I am reminded of my year after St Mary's when I decided to retake my MCAT by taking Kaplan classes. Originally the idea was to take then in Berkeley, but when i discovered te classes were the same all over the state I would go to cal poly and down the coast to Los Angeles and many other places between while staying at friends houses along the way-sleeping on couches, futons, the floor, my car or even spending nights I'm 24 hr fitness (also a pass I could use up and down the coast). I spent a couple weeks staying with one of my friends from high school, erin coughlin, in a huge house where her friends and her got a killer deal on renting - right by the beach. Loved the times i crashed there and its amazing how great good friends can be - taking me out on the town for my birthday, letting me overtake her living room with my not so clean way of living. It was a great experience. As is this moment of just taking the slow road. Instead of trying to get somewhere so quickly its often nice just to take the scenic route. I love the beach routes and the Pacific Coast Highway for that. Often feeling trapped by concrete and smog Los Angeles to me is often almost claustrophobic. so many people (4,045,203 in the la city limits alone) live here. I am sure a lot live here because the beaches an ocean is close by, but so rarely see it. What's an extra 10 minutes out-of-the-way, maybe extra 20 minutes on the slower roads when it means so much more happiness to get to drive by the beach the entire way with the palm trees the sunshine the people- all these things make the city feel a world away. I think that's one reason why feel like I could do my residency down here because the hospital is actually close to the beach - not enclosed in workings of the jungle of city life.

I stopped to take some pictures of the beach at dockwieler state park. Turns out I had the same idea as sports illustrated-they were shooting the swimsuit edition! I snapped a Photo just to remember how comical it was and a man came running over and made me erase my photos. I think I may have a crappy one from a ways away though I'll have to share.

I went to Santa Monica pier to ride the ferris wheel and didn't get charged- maybe becuse the guy felt bad I was riding alone and needed to find a random group of people to go with. I then set up shop for another bucket list opportunity of taking a photo of a ferris wheel lit up. We will see how it turned out.
I have dinner tonight then my interview tomorrow and then will head down south to San Diego to see Jill for a few fleeting moments before going to the bsu game at QUALCOMM Stadium it was quite a dilemma deciding whether not to take the time out to go down there but I suppose I can't quite be a fair weather fan. after last weeks disappointment though it was tough to get up the energy to go down, but I think it'll be worth it in the end. after all that is kellen moore's last year amd whens the next time we will be ranked tenth again. after the game ill drive to Bakersfield to spend the night with Lesley to see her baby boy that has taken me an entire year to finally see and then San Francisco on Sunday morning for my interview Monday. Until then!

Photos from venice beach and Santa Monica pier. All from iPhone. Will r-update when get back to my computer so my photos can go on it from the camera!

"Will you come for me on days like this when I am broken down?
'Cause I've been strangled by an emptiness that's still choking me now.
I have prayed for absolution that won't ever come around...
So if you love me, won't you please forgive me now?

Then I try to call my mother, but she's not around to talk,
So I wander through the fading day, oblivious and lost.
Yes I know I'm getting older, chasing time that slips away.
Point my headlights towards the interstate, it's time for my escape.
Point my headlights towards the interstate, it's time for my escape.

I am sorry for the things I've done, don't try to let you down.
In my dreams at night I hear your voice, and I'm shaken by the sound.
Now I'm stranded in Los Angeles and you're all I think about.
So if you love me, won't you please forgive me now?

I hope there's a million stars above you,
And everything you need, I hope it finds you.
Every breath you breathe, hope it comes easy...
I hope it's easy.

So if you love me, won't you please forgive me now."
~stranded in Los Angeles. Ron pope ~

Nostalgia...

2011-11-17T06:34:00.000-08:00

I made it. Of note, I have taken photos on my camera but dont have my computer with me so will likely just be posting iphone photos until I can put some in.

The last 100+ hours have been a roller coaster of not as much emotions...but effort. Trying to keep my game face on despite being so tired. Even tonight in the ED, it is 5 am and I have managed to admit 90% of my patients, cut open an abscess on a butt, sew a finger, splint a fracture, deal with 3 asthmatics who all have oxygen saturations in the low 80s...that was just the first 4 hours. Right now we are waiting on a 50+ yr old lady with Heart failure and chest pain...as if we kid doctors know what we are doing (in case you are wondering, we just ambulance them over to the Adult Hospital but do what we can here if they arent stable)

First: Got back to SLC as my last post stated. Worked overnight 10-8.

Grabbed my mom from my house and flew to MKE through Denver. Didnt get any sleep. Landed.

Got our rental car and luckily paid the 13 dollars extra a day so I could drive. Streets are as familiar as if I was there yesterday. Found a hotel. Went to applicant dinner (so weird being on the other side of the table so to speak when just last week I was giving information to upcoming Pediatric Residents for Utah next year). I was so tired after not having slept since I woke up at 8am the day before. However, it is important, especially when you're grumpy, cranky, testy, fussy, or any other word for tired, to stop and get your favorite food in a familiar town. For me. That is Gilles. If you have never had custard before I urge you to book a special trip out to Wisco just for the custard. Nothing has matched it. I used to be a cookie dough type of person, notable when it is real cookie dough mixed in. However....there is nothing quite like their a mint oreo shake that is so thick its called "heavy." Jen-mazing. I was a much happier camper after that.

The next morning I woke up and got to go out to breakfast with little Superman, his mom and his grandparents with my mom and John's Sandwich Shop. Wow. Got the usual: Breakfast quesadilla with avocado, bacon, cheese and egg with a side of sweet potato fries and the most amazing yogurt cinnamon sauce you could imagine. Here are photos taken with my camera, but by my iphone off of the camera's LCD (ill replace them next week when I get home):

So good right!

Superman's Grandma. Her own hero in her own right as she taught at the Catholic High School for forever and our waitress actually knew her from teaching.

His magic trick. Now you really will have to come back for this. To show the Abracadabra moment of when his hand come back out of thin air.

I swear he just has gotten cuter and cuter. And while I expected him to take a while to warm back up to me, he was only 17 months when I left, I did not expect for him at the end to give me the most adorable 3 minute hug ever. Oh, he is cute.

I then even got to talk about him on my interview that afternoon!

After the interview I was able to run into one of my attendings, well I should say THE ONE, who made all of this possible; from my career decision, to getting my interviews, etc. It was wonderful to sit and talk for a few minutes before my mom and I rushed up ot Mequon to see the Mckeegans.

There will be more photos of our card game wars. A wonderful family who I met when I was a freshman at St. Marys and babysitting for their friends who recommended me. Hank was 7 months old, Avery nearly 2. Favorite memories include being told hank was just learning to sit and I needed to watch him carefully-then not watching him carefully and his HUGE head would tip him to the side and he banged it. Sleeping in the bean bag with Hank watching the Jetsons for a mid morning nap (yep, I actually did that and was enamored by the power of the beanbag I spent my first big money on it from Pottery Barn...only to realize its an infant against your chest that sedates you, not the bean bag). Still having a picture of Avery at 4 snow skiing. Taking them for a week in tahoe and being called the low maintenience Jen. Swimming at the country club. Lots of swimming. Taking Ashley and Tim to stanford one year for the Cal Stanford game- by taking them I mean driving a huge RV at 20 years of age with 10 drunk "adults" in the back. I was the definition of party bus chauffer. Having the kids come to our Soccer games, specifically our last game my senior yr against LMU where we lost 2-0 and didnt get to go to the National Tournament, but the kids running over and talking about how cool my goals were (aka I would boot the ball over the net, or into the side, but since it was a cool big kick it was considered a goal in their minds...if only), Avery and my sister having the same bday. Hank always saying repeatedly "thu in Ju" (turning two in June). Finding out they were moving to Wisconsin just as I got an interview there and then ending up together across the Country. The morning I let them have cupcakes from breakfast when I was nannying. The time when Hank and Avery had to come to my intramural Softball game and we didnt have enough players so Hank legitimately was our catcher...and we won! Rex. The way ashley's house could be a pottery barn advertisement...and how tim could kill her sometimes since she redoes the whole thing about as often as a new issue comes out. The palpable change when they moved to Wisconsin...a weight of California living lifted from their shoulders...everyone just took off and blossomed. The party they threw for my college graduation. Hank and my late night, non stop video gaming. Reading to the two tuckled in bed. And now both being almost as tall as me despite being in middle school. The St, Christopher Medallion I got when I graduated medical school and how despite wearing it 50% of the time since, people still commenting on how awesome, original, and unique it is. Walking into the restaurant on Tuesday to have two practically grown up kids run across to hug me. Most notably: For another family.

WED-We then flew back out early early Wed morning on a 7 hour trip back to SLC with a stop over in PHX. Running a few errands with my mom before taking her back to the airport last night. So lucky that she was able to come with me, give me pregame pep talks, post game hugs, buy me a dinner or two, and just share road trip travels with her.

Then....back to:

Just about to leave the hospital and head to bed for a few hours before driving to LA this afternoon....

Will fill you in later on this week...hope I make it!

"Going Going Back Back to Cali Cali." ~ Going Back to Cali. Notorious B. I. G. ~ (I Had to)

I love my life. The chaos. The traveling. The people. I am just so lucky.

2011-11-13T18:21:00.000-08:00

it's been a crazy past 5 days since leaving salt lake Wednesday. I made it to sun valley, more importantly made it to hockey practice of two darling twin 8 yr old girls.
I suppose before I go on I should say: see the post from October 5th.

as I alluded to in my post, the Burks are a great family of five (not eight) we met staying at the tamarack condos in McCall Idaho. there was a time sitting poolside at the condos on the first day we met them when megan was telling a story about her husband Beau: he was talking to everyone on a plane to Hawaii and getting phone numbers of "to be friends"-meg jokingly said "i have enough friends, like I'll see those people in Hawaii again." I laughed with a snide remark about well looks like I won't be giving you my phone number- she responded with a "I have a feeling we will be seeing you again." many phone calls and texts later i am so happy we have. A few months ago they all arrived in slc for a weekend of Mary poppins, dinner at red iguana, and lagoon. not to mention arriving with adorable, and amazingly accurate, doctor jen drawings as well as some for the rest of my family who were in town coincidentally as well.
hugs goodbye were quickly cancelled out by texts saying "hi jen it's Jessie!" or phone calls with billy asking what I'm doing and Annie asking what (and when) I was eating for dinner. all along I found an easy person to talk to in Megan and a stand in big sister as I talked to her about dates and i occasionally answered a few doctor questions of hers...once again-I think I am only supposed to treat kids!
after threatening to drive up there for a 1.5 day weekend at 1 in the morning we came up with a plan for the following rough outline(filled with actual events):

oh and before I start. just so were on the same page, imagine Annie like a little McKenna and Ali mixture. totally sweet innocent alison face, with a little spicy words here and there as McKenna would do, and better fashion sense than the two combined when they were 8 (despite asking me to pick out an outfit and do her hair)! Jessie is a mini me. I wasn't sure I quite believed it; she did wear a skirt to school on thursday, but she is totally rough and tumble outside with a sensitive heart that she only shows when she has had a bad day or is really tired, but cannot only out dress me, but probably out aggressive me, and definitely out sleep me.
billy-well, he is probably exactly how I was at 6 but a bit more boy in him, and I think he actually has a bit more attitude, but the boy can hug, he can spit mad game about trucks and fast cars, does not quit for a second in soccer and is absolutely adorable with Hayden.
so back to the stories:

wed- show up at hockey. to happy campers

then go out to eat in ketchum as Jessie proves once again how similar we are by immediately asking for the ribs (apparently you have to request them the moment your butt hits the chair). billy decides to just eat the croutons and no veggies out of his salad and the waitress calls him out for it. then says "oh no. I just threw you under the bus." billy, perplexed, as he clearly had never heard this statement just stared at her. so quickly we tell him not literally, we won't actually throw you under the bus for just eating croutons. Sigh of relief Jessie falls asleep at the table and we decide it's time to leave. the kids, just itching to spend every minute with totally awesome me, my car full of junk, Hayden, and the worst of it-Hayden's hair, beg to do their homework in my car. I actually thought they would want to talk, jam out to music or put the movie in; but in fact Jessie quietly read her book and as i drove I tried to explain to Annie the metric system conversions to our lame English ruler without using my hands so as to not get yelled at to watch the road and keep my hands on the wheel. We made it home unscathed, homework nearly done. Billy and Beau jumped in the ranger and went for a spin and Jessie immediately stated she was starving. Well jess, when you sleep all during dinner, probably going to happen but let's just go to sleep and things will be better in the morning. She started cracking hazelnuts. Relentless I tell ya. I told her lets go get our stuff for bed on and she continued to crack nuts. I must not have said quietly enough to get a move on because megan heard and gave jess a bit of some stern but deserved words to get pjs on and teeth brushed. Jessie turned to me. Dead pan serious. "great. thanks for throwing me under the bus jen." wow, just two hours earlier no one knew what that meant, now its being used like a pro.
An hour later I'm climbing into my own bed as the kids have recently taken to sleeping on their parents floor. Five minutes later Annie quietly slinks into my room, reading her book. 5 minutes after that Jessie has jumped into bed in the middle. Okay. Fine by me. Then Annie says-hope youre okay with cuddling. Sure, who isn't. Um well, Jessie isn't your average cuddler. This is full court body pressed sometimes even lying on top of you cuddling. Haha. How bad can it be? To be honest it was Hayden who kept us pushing and shoving her away. It was like every hour of the night someone would stir it was play time. Pretty darn annoying. But at least with Jessie pressed against me and Hayden wagging and pouncing on top of me I stayed warm.
THURS-
I woke up around 6 to Jessie's little face against mine. The moment i moved Jessie was obviously over the whole episode of me throwing her under the bus because she was asking if I was awake. Um. Now I am. Annie Annie jens awake. Annie responded with a similar, um okay. Well I figured now that we are all awake we might as well do something. So pancakes it was. With cinnamon and bananas in the batter. And lots of butter and syrup. And the best part it was cleaning lady day-so nice! I definitely need a cleaning lady. Maybe I'd cook more! :) the kids got drssed for school with the girls both asking me, ME, to do their hair in the untidy "messy bun."
The thing I do when I'm lazy. When I haven't brushed my hair in a week and am threatening dreads. The cute girls wanted THAT for hair dos. Oh. And this was after I was asked to blow dry hair (I held back the fact that everyday in high school I dried my hair with either the Heater or AC in the brown explorer on the way to school) but I did apologize to megan for ruining her babies' perception of a cute hairdo. They then headed to school and after showing megan pintrist.com and spending an hour figuring out how to use it, we sat around and gossiped and chatted and just had a rather rare downtime of coffee and talking. Is this what the real world does? It all to quickly became 11:30 and I raced off to hemingway elementary school (so close to grumpys bar-not a strange reference; another story all in and of itself). Billy was at lunch when I walked in to see him and tried to sit down on a bench connected to their lunch table that in and of itself wasn't tall enough to be a bench for an adult- I remembered how it would be nice to be small, fitting anywhere. I sat awkwardly by him, billy slightly ignoring me, His classmates wondering why this giant girl who clearly wasn't his mom was sitting next to him at a first grader lunch. Half his classmates are Hispanic and half of them were wearing soccer jerseys. Yep. That was the intended "in". Billy wasn't quite sure what to do with me until I whispered "ready for you and me to take on your whole class in soccer?". Then there was excitement and we couldn't be at recess any sooner.
We had to stop by his class to get his Friday folder put together since he was skipping school the next day. So when we finally got outside - the game had started on the outfield of a big baseball field and 3x3 foot goals. Billy just ran into the pack as I yelled how do we know what team were on? Billy gave me a quizzical look and a fellow classmate yelled "you just figure it out as we go". Billy picked a direction we would go and that was it. But not really. The first time I got the ball I passed it to the wrong team apparently. The second time it was stolen by my own teammate. The third I tripped (shocker) and homebase slid into the ground. By this point I think billy was regretting letting me play, the jeers from classmates didn't help. Then as quickly as I disappointed him I had an assist. A goal. And then a booming cross from what must have seemed like a mile away to these kids. One of the boys looked at billy and said. "dude. That kick was sick" hahaha. I was in with First graders! (yes i was a bit proud of myself ;) ) they consitently use the WHOLE baseball diamond. The goals are 15 yds away from eachother here is a shot of them practically 150 feet from the goal - lax style rules.

of course all thr boys were talking I'm Spanish with billy and myself being one of three non Hispanic kids out there. I turned to a boy " Como Te llamas? Ah Daniel. Me llamo jen -Mucho gusto. Whoa. You speak Spanish". Hahhaha. (in my head, not really but I can at least understand first grade Spanish!) 5 min later a boy complained that another boy broke his wrist; sarcastically I said don't worry, I can help you with that, I'm a doctor. The boys looked at billy "she's a DOCTOR?" cue the smirking smile head nod and proud billy "yep" two more minutes later a kid gets slide tackled and kids are yelling they need a doctor over there. Laughing i can barely get there and attempt to seriously tell him i think hes okay Other than those first three plays and the time I pancaked a kid by just bumping him while I was dribbling (I apologized later don't worry) I think it went well. So well I was asked when I could come back next by one of billy's friends. I was even given knuckles and high fives when I saw the boys all in the hall later. I then went back to the girls lunch (a bit winded I will admit) and attempted to split my Time at each ones table since they're in different classes and more so attempted and failed at sitting on those benches again. Spent recess watching the girls play a game that involves boys chasing them. Just boys chasing girls. With me as "base" and the "will you fix my hair" person. The bell rang and I met megan for shopping in ketchum (note I got two pairs of smart wool socks. Fell in love with a new brand of jacket. And had restraint enough to not buy it). We then picked the kids up from school, piled in my car and played all afternoon. Beau took my car to boise to meet my dad the next day for hunting. We had pillow fights and attack jen hour.

I think it all came out okay.

I met their cute cousins carter and kelly (who took an obcene amount of time warming up to me) and watched cars 2, made pesto pizzas, drank wine and just enjoyed the day. Loving my life.

Oh. Then i helped billy with his home project of build a turkey. It said "make a turkey. Out of anything. No stress. Anything goes." so we built a turkey.

Guess which one was actually made by a first grader! (vs the moms of first graders)

Yep. That's the one. And we were darn proud.

And a bit silly.

Jess and billy fell asleep to us talking and after awhile it was time for all of us to go to sleep.

I picked them up to carry each into their rooms, and as I took jessie into the room I bumped her feet up against the wall. She startes to mutter what i think is something along the lines of youre killing me smalls. Instead "youre killing my brother." "what did you say" "YOU'RE KILLING MY BROTHER" I rest her down in bed perplexed. "How am I killing him Jess?" "You just are" followed by pulling up of the covers and back to sleep. It was quite amusing. But he looks rather alive and safe doesn't he?

I attempted to fall asleep after listening to music with annie and being schooled in the art of 3rd grade music 101 but after being awake still at midnight I snuck out to the couch and fell asleep by the fireplace.
FRIDAY-The next day involved Jessie waking me up saying we were leaving in an hour. I rushed to shower, pack up my stuff strewn throughout the house as only I can do in two short days. After doing all that then sitting on the couch for another hour I realized Jessie had pulled a fast one. Or maybe just had a skewed perception of time. But we did finally leave 3 hours later. As I helped collect them out the door I told Jessie we "adults" just needed a little respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. She trying to keep up with my spelling was a letter behind me until : R-E-S-P-what-ever. Oh man. I busted up. You can't make this stuff up. We spend 2.5 hrs in the car. Where I foolishly had given up my phone so they could play games. Products of what was really going on :

I just wish I could play the videos on here.

Then a 3 hr shopping trip to anthropologie. We found great books and the kids and I played "I Spy" on every page - in Spanish. And as I'm teaching them the few words I know/remember on Spanish I rattle off a. Few the. Get to domo arigato. " GATO? That means CAT!" no no no "Domo arigato" oooooh says Jessie. Again-dead serious Dame tu GATO. (give me your cat!) I laughed so hard I think I cleared anthro out. The rest of the weekend was pretty standard with 6 and 8 yr old comments and stories sprinkled between.
SAT-
We went shopping to DSW on sat for Megan's birthday and got 210 dollars of free shoes because it was just our lucky day. Unfortunately the luck did not continue through the BSU game. But we had gReAT seats thanks to beau, and apparently as billy informed us after the game he was going for tcu the whole time, so at least he had a favorable result (I was not as jovial about the whole thing afterwards as you can imagine and I think my actual response was "you can find a new place to sleep tonight"...yeah - 6 yr old filters don't work when I'm traumatized and devastated-yep, that's college football for me). Annie, took my lead, and took it serious though.

SUN-
My mom and I drove from Boise tonight and I work overnight to fly out for my interview in the morning to Milwaukee. I think the next few days will be rather tiring, but looking forward to being back in the stomping grounds. Back in the place that convinced me of my life plan. To go to breakfast with "Superman's" family. See the Mckeegans!!!!! and maybe convince my mom of a gille's trip. Love it.
Hope you got a few laughs out of the stories. If anything, I now can look back and remember the little things that make life so funny. And also make me hope that despite the "exponential escalation" of everything, that I have twins. Such an interesting occurrence to watch their interactions. Unlike anything I've seen before, but I suppose all sibling interaction is special in and of itself. Certainly wouldnt trade my two sisters for a twin of my own, despite asking my mom for a twin brother every Christmas til 4th grade. I guess that's what kellen Moore is for. Wait for it....

Yep, not the first time I've been mistaken for his sister!

Next stop, mke, will hopefully get an update from there. To those families out there, who make it work, with what they got. Those families who have been role models for what I hope to one day have as a family. Despite Father's gone for long periods of times at job sites, or going back to school, moms working multiple jobs, kids screaming, stay at home dads, to the parents who do it day in and day out, and have done a wonderful job of raising their kids, I am proud to be a part of your lives, and one day maybe your kids can come visit me as I have you in North Dakota, Hailey, ID, on the Nevada St Cul de Sac. Wherever. I would be lucky to have them.

"But somebody had a bad dream
Mama and daddy
Can me and my teddy
Come in to sleep in between?

Yeah it's ok. It's so nice.
It's just another day in paradise.
Well, there's no place that
I'd rather be....just another day in paradise"

~Just another day in paradise. Phil Vassar~