Monkey Fluids

Glad to see you back.

2026-04-04T07:12:03.381+13:00

Glad to see you back.

Bugger me - turns out there is an audience for e...

2026-03-19T10:55:23.069+13:00

Bugger me - turns out there *is* an audience for etymology nerdism. I do need to point out that, as a former linguistics student, I believe that usage is meaning, and "decimate" has been used to mean "destroy" or "devastate" for centuries...

Pop goes the world?

2026-03-10T09:03:20.973+13:00

Pop goes the world?

Director's Commentary: I guess this counts as ...

2026-03-10T08:23:26.226+13:00

Director's Commentary: I guess this counts as a pop culture reference?

Director's Commentary: I originally had a more...

2026-03-06T11:34:34.199+13:00

Director's Commentary: I originally had a more nuanced "anointing him with oil" bit planned, but then I found out that the oil they use for that is called chrism, and some jokes just write themselves.

Hi nice reading your blog

2023-12-25T23:20:04.579+13:00

Hi nice reading your blog

When he applied to join the older kids super fun c...

2012-06-26T13:55:09.567+12:00

When he applied to join the older kids super fun club the idea of initiation rituals sounded fine to Timmy. Now as he cowered in the tree protecting his rectum he realised that the club was not all it was cracked up to be.

Bertie looked around nervously, he didn't want...

2012-06-26T13:45:20.282+12:00

Bertie looked around nervously, he didn't want mummy to see what he was about to do, but he had to do it, nothing gave him that supreme thrill like jerking off in front of an open window did...

To explain why she had male reproductive parts was...

2010-07-22T10:42:41.029+12:00

To explain why she had male reproductive parts was far too complex. No, she would just keep discussing oil vs synthetic paint benefits as her concealed erection went down... Indeed, that usually did the trick.

"You're right! I CAN hear the ocean!"...

2010-06-17T16:37:33.070+12:00

"You're right! I CAN hear the ocean!"

"Master, look! Someone threw away a perfectly...

2010-06-17T16:23:33.243+12:00

"Master, look! Someone threw away a perfectly good refrigerator!"

Dr. Hectare smiled to himself. With another refrigerator, he build the last spider incubator he would need. Then he was just a hop, skip, and a jump away from world domination.
He would have to reward Beegor. Perhaps a roll in the hay with his mind-controlled serving wenches would be appropriate. Of course, that would have to be BEFORE he implanted their uteri with the spider embryos. The mutant spiderfolk he needed weren't going to grow themselves, wot-wot.

"Samantha! What the hell are you doing!?"...

2010-06-17T16:16:38.541+12:00

"Samantha! What the hell are you doing!?"
"Months ago I secretly drained this lake, and refilled it with blueberry juice. Once the pigmentations changes set in, I'll erase your mind, bleach your hair, and send you to Smurf Village. No one will ever know what became of the real Smurfette!"

The evil laugh that followed chilled Dorothy to the bone. But she had to honest with herself, she always wanted to do it with a smurf.

Ally marveled at Bernies tiny form. Clearly her ne...

2010-06-17T16:11:44.553+12:00

Ally marveled at Bernies tiny form. Clearly her new lover had expanded the art of headshrinking to the entire body.
And she was even nice enough to wrap him up like a little christmas present. That had to be worth at least 50 points in the House Cup at Hogwart's All-Girl School for Voodoo.

"Dammit, Dixie! I know you need this to cool ...

2010-06-17T15:59:45.234+12:00

"Dammit, Dixie! I know you need this to cool off your firecrotch, but don't hog it! I need it to scrape skin flakes off of grannys crumbling bosoms!"
Dixie was momentarily surprised at having the fan snatched from her hands with such alacrity. But that was quickly replaced by the thoughts of what they could do with their genetic experiments once they finally had some more of grannys DNA. The overlords would be pleased.

"No! Stop! I want to live!" Little Jared...

2010-06-17T15:53:42.869+12:00

"No! Stop! I want to live!"
Little Jared wouldn't shut up, but that was fine. The girls knew Gay-Orochi preferred his virgin sacrifices to be vocal about their unwillingness.

"Yes, it ate your legs, but then, you shouldn...

2010-06-17T15:50:33.646+12:00

"Yes, it ate your legs, but then, you shouldn't have taunted it. Now get back in your cellar and think about what you've done."

"Dammit! I told you kids to stay outta ma bas...

2010-06-17T15:28:46.567+12:00

"Dammit! I told you kids to stay outta ma base! And stop killing ma d00dz!"

"How many men have you convinced my mother to...

2010-06-17T15:19:23.094+12:00

"How many men have you convinced my mother to sleep with today, Berthold?"
"Just one. It's hard out there for a pimp."

"Myeh, y'see, Dorothy? And I'll vapor...

2010-06-17T15:14:23.174+12:00

"Myeh, y'see, Dorothy? And I'll vaporize more of your clones if you don't tell me where the Emerald City is."
Janice played her part as scripted, but she didn't understand the total hard-on Rick had for plays about Al Capone traveling to the Land of Oz. Less so with the sci-fi bend to it.

Old man Cruckshanks plan to lure the zombies away ...

2010-06-17T15:08:00.938+12:00

Old man Cruckshanks plan to lure the zombies away from town with a sheep was a smashing success; but this would not end the horror. He raised his sharpened stick, "Steady, Norman. Steady. The fate of Yorkwalesworchesterglockenheimshire depends on this toss."

OR

"Now, boys! Gut it! Gut it so the leeches will expose themselves for harvesting! This is going to be the best Leechday Ever!"
The boys had never heard of 'Leechday', but it was either this or the old man would expose what they did to Sister Penelopes corpse. And they couldn't have that.

"I've found the crossdressers! Everyone, ...

2010-06-17T15:00:33.885+12:00

"I've found the crossdressers! Everyone, ready your trebuchets!"

OR

"I don't care how many adorable little bunny hops you can do, NO ONE GETS IN TO SEE THE WIZARD!"

"You see Bertha, it's sort of like this, ...

2010-06-17T14:58:28.929+12:00

"You see Bertha, it's sort of like this, only with your maidenhead. Now hand me that can of tomato juice, will you?"
"Whatever for, Arnold?"
"Well, we need something to stand in for all the blood that's going to ooze out. After all, the blood IS why you're about to do this with that dog out back."
"I know Arnold. But what are you going to do with my blood once you've got it all in that basin Uncle Edmond loaned you?"
"Well, shit woman. I'm out of cocaine, and I need to snort SOMETHING."

In times of humpback shortage, it was not uncommon...

2010-06-17T14:53:55.656+12:00

In times of humpback shortage, it was not uncommon for the French to take measures to induce the correct posture in otherwise perfectly human schoolboys. Someone's got to man the clock towers after all, otherwise Scissorman is liable to get lonely.
That said, this is actually a photo of the Marquis De Sades first step towards self-discovery.

Before belts were invented, South African Schoolma...

2010-06-17T14:49:43.987+12:00

Before belts were invented, South African Schoolmasters had to get creative with their disciplinary measures.
Of course, we have belts NOW, but then, Headmaster Tootenhausen is a dick.

"It's PEOPLE! Earl Grey is PEOPLE!" ...

2010-06-17T14:45:59.051+12:00

"It's PEOPLE! Earl Grey is PEOPLE!"
Gertrude was hysterical; and if she kept lashing out like this to potential candidates for Sheila's Unnecessary Limbs Surgery, Sheila was going to have to take those hempflowers away from her one of these days.

Monkey Fluids

Glad to see you back.

Bugger me - turns out there *is* an audience for e...

Pop goes the world?

Director's Commentary: I guess this counts as ...

Director's Commentary: I originally had a more...

Hi nice reading your blog

When he applied to join the older kids super fun c...

Bertie looked around nervously, he didn't want...

To explain why she had male reproductive parts was...

"You're right! I CAN hear the ocean!"...

"Master, look! Someone threw away a perfectly...

"Samantha! What the hell are you doing!?"...

Ally marveled at Bernies tiny form. Clearly her ne...

"Dammit, Dixie! I know you need this to cool ...

"No! Stop! I want to live!" Little Jared...

"Yes, it ate your legs, but then, you shouldn...

"Dammit! I told you kids to stay outta ma bas...

"How many men have you convinced my mother to...

"Myeh, y'see, Dorothy? And I'll vapor...

Old man Cruckshanks plan to lure the zombies away ...

"I've found the crossdressers! Everyone, ...

"You see Bertha, it's sort of like this, ...

In times of humpback shortage, it was not uncommon...

Before belts were invented, South African Schoolma...

"It's PEOPLE! Earl Grey is PEOPLE!" ...

Bugger me - turns out there is an audience for e...