My day to day life

Self absorbed parent

2017-10-10T07:04:00.001-07:00

Dear readers,
As I have been sifting through journal entries and placing them in chronicalogical order here on this blog I had an epiphany. I am a self absorbed parent.
Now, this is not something I am proud of, nor has it been easy for my husband and children throughout the 14 years. But recognizing this maybe key to bettering myself.
My strive to be perfect has led me to shut down. If I cannot reach perfection why bother trying?
This thinking has led me to a great depression. So great that it has become unbearable. I find myself broken and defeated. I finally broke down and started taking lexapro 5mg. The side effects as usual were unbearable so I cut them in half and take half in the morning and half at night. And this seems to be working.
Now with winter quickly approaching, my fibromyalgia is in full swing of disabling spasms. If only Kansas had dispensary down the road full of medicinal marijuana I could face this winter with confidence. But I believe this state will be the last state to legalize this medical miracle. I have fibromyalgia friends who are living functional lives because of this God made plant. And sadly I cannot have access to it because my state still considers it to be a street drug to be stopped. And thus leaving me without the medicine my body needs to get through the winter.
What winter and cold weather does to my body:
1. Makes my body tense up and shiver.
2. My body then cannot release tightened muscles. So tight that they are charley horse like spasms in my arches of my feet, calves, hips, back, butt, forearms, hands, neck, and even face once (that wad an interesting and agonizing experience that left my face in bells palsy drooping appearance).
Then...
3. My body is left sprained or strained and in agonizing pain.

Doctors claim this is fibromyalgia but I am far from convinced. I wish I knew what was really going on with my body. Flexeril is not completely keeping these spasms at bay. An hour before my next dose is ready to be taken I experience charley horse spasms. Have you ever seen the video where a guy has his calf on cam dancing about toying with his mind? That is what I face if a missed dose is experienced. However during that hour before I am due for flexeril it dances about nearly gripping its wrath teasing me, and testing my sanity.
If you have this experience and are diagnosed with something other than fibromyalgia can you comment what this is? So I can hopefully find answers to what this is so I can be treated properly?
Thank you so much I can't do another winter with this cop out diagnosis (fibromyalgia).
I am writing as my butt and thighs are spasming 2 hours after taking flexeril because the winter bitter cold is approaching in and gripping my body in a horrific world of uncontrollable spasms.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D

Depression rock bottom

2017-09-11T00:25:00.001-07:00

So I don't have the proper strand of marijuana (I've read the Harley Quin helps pain, anxiety, depression, and muscle spasms which is what I am faced with every waking hour). And so since I don't have the right strand it has contributed to my depression and because of circumstances in my life right now I had a melt down and relapse of cutting well scratching myself with a torn can to release the emotional hurt feelings so I could help them heal. I still kinda wanna run away but it is getting lesser now with lexapro and short stay at the mental hospital. I am still very much anxious and my spasms have returned full force because I stopped smoking my marijuana August 18th, 2017. 😭
If only I had a dispensary down the road to go to and get the strand I need to nip this all in the butt. Republican state is not likely going to make it legal anytime soon. And to be honest it maybe the last state to get on board the legalize train. So I am discouraged in my quest for relief.
It is like finally finding the perfect solution and starting to get my life back then bam suddenly I found myself in a hole deep and dark and wanting to run away. So i am going to sit down and type up my journal entries and post date them as I had started to do but grew discouraged because no one seems to be reading my blog. At least not commenting and encouraging me to keep sharing my deepest inner thoughts.
So, what has been going on in my life that lead to my relapse? Oh someone found out their husband cheated on them 10 years ago for 2.5 years and then beat the stroke victim to a bloody swollen black and blue pulp and then thankfully someone called the cops on her and she was arrested and has to do court thing. Plot twist someone we share as a friend had a recording of a voice mail on a tape of a butt dialed call received during one of many affairs and on the tape you could (I never heard the tape) hear the mistress saying "oh ******* you make my stockings so wet" barf. So my husband had over heard this and said for them to burn the tape. This was months ago. So now that the cat is out of the bag the tape was brought up and this friend couldn't give it to the victim so again I reinforced the burn it comment my husband had made months prior to the coming out party. The tape hoarder "couldn't burn it" so I said "then give it to her" again she said "I can't" so she finally said she burned it. Then on the morning i relapses I got a call from the victim asking if i had told our friend to burn the tape and i said "yes, I didn't think you needed to hear that" she then yelled "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED! FOR THAT I AM CUTTING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY OUT OF MY LIFE AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT AND GO FUCK YOURSELF!" She kept yelling but I just hung up and began crying. So I grabbed my purse and what change I could find so I could go buy a can of energy drink with red dye and tear the can and scratch my arm to release those hurtful things along with about March April my husband informed me if I didn't start putting out he was going to have to visit a massage therapist because he was a sexual being and had needs. Then proceeded to show me a listing of girls offering services and clicked on one and said "she's cute" the whole reason I started smoking marijuana instead of taking norco for my pain and spasms. Then kids found out and blurted it outside for everyone to hear well my oldest did every chance he got then his friends started doing the same and my oldest started threatening to tell someone I smoked it so he and his siblings could be taken away that is if I didn't let him or his friends do something. Which is my biggest fear is losing my kids. Cuz if I did ever lose them I promise you I won't go through the hoops this time and I will sign my rights away and go kill myself. I promise.
So then also my husband over the years had threatened to move out and get a divorce leaving me feeling disposable and sent me farther into my depression. So I was over it all after my cutting and now that its healed much better. However when he dropped me off at the hospital he threatened me one more time. Stating "If you go in those doors I will be moved out by the time you get out and moved into the rent house, and if and when you get your head together and IF I ain't seeing anyone by then, THEN I may or may not take you back." I told him "All the shit you're going through I'm going through it too, plus my husband keeps threatening divorce and moving out and getting sexual favors from stranger women which is not at all helpful and he just did it again.) I started crying and shut the door and walked away he sped off. I went in on Friday got out Monday and he hadn't had "time to move out". Anyway. I feel disposable when he threatens divorce or moving out or red light special gonorrhea whore favors.
So I popped off at a BBQ towards him about I'm disposable and yeah right to his I love you statement he made. Which made him embarrassed and mad. We talked it out on the way home and he I think finally got it. He asked what he was supposed to do in the moments that he has had enough. I said idk how about we go to counseling and work this out not throw my ass out of your life to fend for myself without a livelihood to support myself muchless the kids. And no doubt I would end up losing the kids because of my history of course i didn't say all that but all before life was said. Lol. Anyways. He wrote me an apology letter and I wrote him back one and think for now we are good while we wait for lexapro to work and counseling to change my destructive coping skills to more positive ones and turn my life around.
I am still stressed with my oldest being a jerk and saying horrible things to me either under his breath or yelling at my face. He is so hateful and I have no idea why. I am so ready to just give him what he wants and throw him into a foster home and let him find out he actually isn't living the horrible life he thinks he lives. I just keep taking the emotional blows and continue wanting to run away. Then my little one who has started not minding and talking back makes me give up om doing anything other than put food infront of her and go outside to smoke, crochet and play games on my phone. It isn't fair to her but I can't deal so I remove myself but not neglect, her needs are met. I want to be a fun mom, I just get one hiccup in my day and I give up. The way I been with the boys when they were little, while I was going through the Josephine sick baby pregnancy. I couldnt help it. I was faced with a man who wanted me to not be sad but acting like nothing was going on wasn't helping me...still to this day doesn't help me. Idk what helps me to be honest, haven't found the help I need yet. But I know the compassion friends support group just made me realize it's not going to get easier. Some been going there for a decade and it seemed to be like they lost theirs yesterday and I didn't want that to be me. So. Anyway.
That's what been going down in my life. Again I will post date entries and start posting them hopefully soon. Maybe it will help me to share my deepest darkest secrets to strangers on the net (if only they would comment hint hint). Sorry I haven't been posting, and I know my promises are obviously worthless but hey I am going to try again. IT IS HARD WITHOUT COMMENTS FOR ME TO KEEP GOING JUST SAYING.
Anyways,
Talk to y'all later,
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

June 14, 2017

2017-06-14T15:03:00.003-07:00

Dear Journal,

I have been struggling a lot with suicidal thoughts and fantasies. It has been so strong and seems so appealing. But I instead walk away, and ignore them. I think my post partumdepression is rearing its ugly head finally. (I stopped breastfeeding March 2017 and I think its finally bottomed out with the hormones strange I know it seems but I swear that is exactly what is going on with me).

I also maybe throwing myself under a bus here with admitting the next part. On May 5th I began smoking Marijuana to treat my fibromyalgia. Not legal here yet but I don't care. By May 17th I had taken my last Norco 5, cyclobenzaprine, and gabapentin and I haven't looked back. I do still take an occasional naproxen otc for muscle pain and swelling.

The reason for the change is I was on Robaxin for awhile because I had been having breakthrough spasms with the cyclobenzaprine and they switched me. I am just sick and tired of taking pills all the time to be able to function in my day. Depending on them for ability to go through a day with little discomfort as possible. I wanted my life back. And yes pills did it for me for awhile but turned into a ball a chain. Sure swapped for another ball and chain but one that I believe is my saving grace. My stomach has been so much better far as digestion goes and my sleeping also has been better and well the Keto's can be thanked for most of this....but the Marijuana totally takes credit for the pain relief and spasm relief. I tried smoking just at night and by the third night I suffered a monster of a spasm so I smoke three times a day. I really wish there was a more of an exact science as to how much I am getting but its not legal here so no dispensaries to visit and see what other options I have and if I can find the right strand (which upon researching I think Harley Quinn sounds perfect for Fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, (pain and muscle spasms). Sure the brain fog is totally not helped by THC but finding the right strand I think will be key to finding my perfect high.

Anyone out there know what strand I need to get for my issues (Depression, Anxiety, Muscle spasms, and pain? What forms of marijuana would you recommend for me? I am so pleased but I do know the kind I got is not the right strand for me $60 for an ounce wasn't bad but lots of leaves and stems. So not sure what kind I have but it takes the edge off of my sufferings just enough to where I can enjoy my day without pills and without stomach discomfort and I also am enjoying my appetite back. Why this is still illegal is disheartening. And this may condemn me for breaking the law but at this point the relief I am experiencing is worth any jail time I may face for admitting this use.

I hope my experience helps someone out there suffering and sick of taking pills to function in their daily lives. If you do attempt to try it and its not for you keep trying different strands cuz you gotta try them all to find the right one for you. So don't give up just because the strand you tried didn't do what you need it to do. Research what you need or ask a dispensary worker what strand would be good for what you are up against. If you are not located where its legal you got the internet to help determine what strand you need to get. And I hope you can find you a hook up to obtain such strand so you can feel better and get out of the pill schedule and dependency. Again sure trading one thing for how every many pills you take everyday multiple times a day is so worth it to me. My stomach has not been this calm in years.

I have Fibromyalgia, Depression, generalized anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, and PMDD as well as late postpartum depression due to stopping breastfeeding a few months ago, but no one will confirm that because its been over 3 years since giving birth. Anyways.

I am so hopeful with my discoveries. its so controversial and frowned on but glad these days are starting to open more minds to the thought. I hope USA wide it will become legal and we all can enjoy a trip to our local dispensaries to obtain the perfect strand for our ailments and we can all find relief in the very near future!

Have you tried this treatment? Has it helped? How many strands have you tried so far? What do you suffer from? What strand works for you best so far? Let's join the conversation on this matter and hope for change in laws to make this available for all American's especially the medically suffering American's who have suffered far too long and depended too intensely on medication to function in our days.

Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from some of you and learn what works for you so I can hope to find the right strand for me.

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

Yep I'm allergic to Mary kay

2017-01-18T08:24:00.001-08:00

https://youtu.be/s94r5Hkuv5Y

So I went in for a facial pamper party...included cleansing, moisturize, eye liner, eye shadow, mascara, foundation and blush...back to the drawing board to find something that I can wear without this happening. Anyone out there experience the same? Did you find a product that you weren't allergic to? Please tell me...I was told to try alamay whatever...I don't have a lot of money to be tossing around just to find I'm allergic...so hopefully someone who has been here done this...knows what works and will comment and let me know thanks!

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
P.s. now I'm going to bed

update on me my allergies

2015-09-22T22:46:00.002-07:00

OK so turns out I am allergic to this shampoo called Ba Byliss Pro thermal ionic smoothing shampoo
Ingredients are as follows: Water (Aqua), Ammonium Lauryl Sulfate, TEA-Lauryl Sulfate, Cocamide MEA, Glycol Stearate, Panthenol, Polyquaternium-10, Zingiber Officinale (Ginger) Root Extract, Silk Amino Acids, Orbignya Oleifera Seed Oil, Allantoin, Paullinia Cupana Seed Extract, Cinnamidopropyltrimonium Chloride, Borago Officinalis Seed Oil, Fragrance (Parfum), Tetrasodium EDTA, Propylene Glycol, Citric Acid, Sodium Chloride, Methylchloroisothiazolinone, Methylisothiazolinone, Blue 1, (CI 42090), Ext. Violet 2 (CI 60730)

Ok so BabylissPro Thermalionic smoothing shampoo not sure where the spaces go on the names but I am guessing with the above name I typed....I am not allergic to the conditioner of the same brand so going to try and sort through those ingredients vs this ingredients and rule out some of the ingredients as not being the culprit I hope...then I am going to take Garnier Fructis Color Shield shampoo and conditioner and eliminate any of those ingredients that are also found in this shampoo I was allergic to and hopefully narrow it down even farther...wish me luck!

That reaction was horrible it left my skin feeling hard like super glue dried on it then it cracked and flaked off...my head is still itchy from my using it for a week before deciding maybe hey I am allergic to this stuff...and found soy in the conditioner which I am allergic to soy but am not allergic to the conditioner so strange to me! so anyway! I am tired of my head itching...and the medicine doesn't really help that the doctor gave me...so IDK what to do...my main doctor said to stop washing my hair...uh I keep sweating and yeah I cannot not wash my hair holy molly that wouldn't be something I could do without gagging...so yeah...a week of not washing didn't ease it it just made it kinda worse actually and yeah itched more so after a week of not washing my hair...so yeah...anyways...I am so tired of it yeah...

In other news I am on Wellbutrin xl take one in the morning and one in the evening and it seems to had been helping...today not so much...I want to go get my hair cut (shaved on the underside so I can see what my scalp looks like and also to schedule my mole to be removed from the back of my head in my hair area...so yeah...that is a thing I need to get done but suddenly have no motivation for...

I have viterous degeneration and viterous floaters a 50 some year old issue at age 35 and I have had it for as long as I can remember it just recently got worse to the point that it made me dizzy and I fell...it is very distracting and annoying...anyway...that is a new thing...

I also started getting epidurals for my leg pain which turns out wasn't all in my head...it was nerve pain caused by my L5 disc being torn leaking fluid on the nerves that go down my legs causing my legs to hurt Praise the Lord! I ain't crazy! and I have been off Norco for quite some time now...still take Naproxen for the swelling of my back I guess so hopefully it will get better...with the steroid injections with the epidural they give me...anyway...I need to go in someday soon to have it done again...my legs have been getting pretty crampy and having horrible muscle spasms that hurt so bad...I have had to take benadryl to relax them since I am still breastfeeding I cannot take muscle relaxants and there is no sight of ending anytime soon Evangeline is pretty much demanding it throughout the day and not just at night...17 almost 18 months old (on 10-4-15) so yeah still going strong...especially when she is upset she wants it...its her comfort and I cannot take that away from her...she still needs it so I will still give it to her...I ain't needing to stop any time soon anyway....I have no life outside of being mom...wish I could get out and be apart of the outside world but my anxiety gets the best of me still...and I cannot take valium and be able to drive and can't breastfeed either...so yeah...anxiety is still here but wellbutrin is not so bad as I remember it being...though I do feel a bit out of it...like absent minded...exhausted a lot of the time...like I am not getting enough sleep...and then there is the night terrors are back...I had one where I shot up out of bed trying to catch Evie falling off the foot of the bed but it was just a dream I woke up trying to catch her who was sound asleep beside me...then the other night I had another vivid dream where someone was in my bedroom and I said who is there and they ran to the closet and hid there and was peeking out the closet at me and I kept asking who was there and I was getting angry and woke up and realized there was no way anyone could be hiding in my closet cuz it was jammed pack with clothes and stuff...(bedding and what nots) Anyway kinda scary considering my sleeping arrangements...yes still co sleeping with Evie she won't stay asleep in her bed once moved there...but maybe an hour...if that...and I won't let her cry herself to sleep like I did the boys...I just cannot do it...it broke my heart when I did it with the boys...but everyone told me I had to do that so they would learn to soothe themselves blah blah blah...now they hate me so yeah...I don't want this one to hate me...I hope she won't hate me...she is my last hope of not failing at being a mom...like with the boys...they hate me so much...

D even threatens that he wants to kill himself because of me and what I say to try and correct his behaviors and the way he is treating his friends and brother...where he is threatening to punch his brother J in the face if he doesn't do what he says to do and then when he does do what he says to do and fails he punches him anyway...so surprisingly J doesn't want to play with him at all cuz no matter what poor J does he still gets hurt by D there is no winning with D....and I point this stuff out to D about how it isn't nice the way he treats his brother...I am sure he does it with his friends too cuz when he has them spend the night I hear him threaten to not really punch them in the face but not have them over again or something along that lines manipulating to get his way...he does it with me also...if I don't do this or that he won't ever do this or that for me ever again...blah blah blah....I am very tired and exhausted with this cycle we are going round and round with...and I don't know how to end it...I started this choremonster thing and going to sit down with everyone tomorrow night and try and sort out prizes and chores they are willing to do for points to cash in for prizes be it time to play on the computer, xbox, tablets...money...date night with mom or dad one on one...whatever....and then sort out the points worth for each...I want to get a schedule set down for the house as well so its a predictable routine for all of us so we can know what to expect everyday and every weekend...like bedtime at 12 on weekends sometimes gets stretched to 1 or 2am sometimes longer (fri and saturday but sunday night back to 9pm (normally stretched out to 10 smh prolly need to set that earlier)...anyways I am trying to get a handle on things but the thing with medication is it is fine and dandy alone but if the situation I am in doesn't change soon it won't help to be on medication...IMHO the situation has to change as well as the medication being added...so anyways...I am trying...feel I am failing...but trying to rise above it...and do better...hey after all God said everyday is a new day rejoice and be glad in it...so yeah trying to do that...

J hasn't been eating what we fix for dinner...I don't know why he doesn't like mashed potatoes or potatoes in general but likes french fries...he has been at least drinking the protein instant breakfast packets in milk and I tell him he can fix himself a bowl of cereal or a sandwich cuz I don't want him not to eat...I don't know if its lack of appetite or a texture deal or it hurts his stomach or what...I am ready to take him to the doctor though over it because I feel like its anorexia nervosa but not the image type...its what I had where I had no appetite because my body associated food with pain so it suppressed my appetite so I wouldn't hurt...my kids are scared to go to the doctor I guess cuz they won't tell me anything is wrong with them until they cannot handle it anymore...a while back J said his stomach hurt so bad that he didn't know what was happening and was crying historically doubled over in pain....my dad's side of the family said it wasn't appendix or anything like that...probably hunger pangs so after he ate he was better...so he claimed...so he could swim more with his cousins...anyways...I am about done with this whole not eating deal...picky eater? I really seriously don't know what his deal is...he won't talk to me about it so it is very frustrating for me...he says no to everything I ask...do you think you are fat? no....does it hurt your stomach to eat certain foods? no....do you not like the texture or taste of the foods? no...what is it? I don't know....so I don't know if it is a control thing...if its a pain thing...if its a image thing...I really don't know...I do know they weigh in at nanny's and brag about how they are so and so lbs...at their school the physical education teacher stresses the importance of not being fat and to be fit and active...both boys haven't been eating much for awhile now...since matter fact Michelle Obama changed the food for public schools they have just gotten skinnier and skinnier...they need more calories than what is offered at school now...they burn a whole lot more than most kids their age...D especially...he has ADHD and cannot sit still very long...especially if he has red dye...that is another thing I notice is that when D has something with Red Dye 40 he gets more dramatic about threatening his brother to do things he wants him to do and cries and threatens to kill himself and how we wouldn't care if he ran away and what not...I blame red dye...he says its not red dye its he is a boy and he is 11 almost 12 and he is going through the change as he calls it...and he is just a teenager who has a bunch of emotions that are out of control...maybe so...but still want him to avoid red dye...but its very hard to...its in just about everything kids like to eat or drink...and its like a drug I swear...D will get hell bent on going to the gas station with his friend with his money and then come back with red dye candy and drink and just go nuts...and he won't take no for an answer...very head strong D is...J is headstrong about not eating what is fixed for dinner...he even wanted meatballs then he didn't eat hardly any of them...I don't get it...I am trying to get foods he likes to eat so he will eat...but he still wont eat...I want to take him to the store and have him pick out foods he thinks he will eat and get them all and then fix them throughout the week and if he doesn't eat them...then I will take him to the doctor...I am sick of this...he looks like he is suffering from malnutrition imho but my husband was this skinny he says he just couldn't gain weight...just like both boys...J is worse than D but D is bad too just not as bad as J....I was also skinny as a child but I don't remember being this skinny...but they won't eat...I can lead a horse to water but cant' make it drink...I am trying...failing but trying...I just hope no one takes it upon themselves to turn me in to authorities and get them taken from me...that would not be helpful what so ever...would make my situation a whole lot worse than it already is...my kids will get it in their heads that living with someone else would be much better than being with me and my husband but then quickly learn no its not better and want to come home but it would be too late then...I cannot go through another loss like losing my girls...that was my biggest loss by far and will always be my biggest loss and I will say that until the day I die...I lost two babies who died and my mother died and still I say losing my girls was the worst loss I have ever faced to date...so no that would not help me...you want to help me? OK come to my aid and help me don't duck out and secretly turn me into the child thieves....show me how it is done how to fix it come to my house and guide me in the way you think it would work with my kids...because you telling me how to do something and I do it and it don't work because I didn't understand what you meant...or it just wont work with my kids whatever it is...I would be sure it doesn't work or does because you actually came and guided me in doing what you were talking about and then I can show you it does or doesn't work...anyways...I am open to suggestions I am open for people to come and show me how it is done...I am not open to having my children taken from me and thrown into a corrupt system just because you don't think I am doing what I say I am failing at doing...or you think you know what is going on in my life but you ain't here 24 7 to know for sure what is going on...anyways...help the right way or not at all thank you...

With that...I am going to go to bed...I feel much better now that I vented this horrible stuff that has been eating at me for awhile now...so good night and please just know venting helps me much more than anything and this is my venting post and I feel much much better about my situation...just still not motivated...but I will get there...gn
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

sorry if I blew up your email and stuff

2015-06-15T20:28:00.002-07:00

So sorry if you are getting tons of notifications. I found my journal and wanted to put it in here for personal record of my roller coaster called life. so it can be chronologically in order. There is tons more to type out. And it actually is therapeutic for me to do so. I can see how nothing has changed really and looking back how I could do things differently and such. So hopefully this will help me in the long run and I can change my way of living and maybe stop feeling so out of control of it all and just let things go...I hate that I spent most my kids lives trying to stop them from being kids and self doubting myself and setting myself up for failure time and time again. As well as seeing my struggle that was very private and now that its on the net it isn't private anymore and who ever that reads this blog will see how psychotic I am at times but behind closed curtains. No one knows the turmoil inside my mind. Well until now. So please know that I am trying to be a better mom, person and wife...I am not perfect as no one out there is...they can fake perfect for sure....but I don't put up that show...especially since it doesn't help me get better and get my turmoil under control and feel better about it all...I am continuing to write out my journal and after I am done writing this one all out when I find other journal's/entries that are found in different places here and there as I clean house...I will enter them here and post date them to the date they were written so everything can be in order of date...anyway...I am going to take a break from it now though. I wanna play some Minecraft my most recent obsession these days.

I found an adult craft server I play on. and I also am helping someone set up their own server and plan to help run it soon as they are happy with the plug ins they choose for it. Anyway. If you are an adult and like to play minecraft come see us go to http://adultcraftnetwork.enjin.com/ and tell them AuntBee sent ya ;) see ya there!

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

Depression sucks

2015-05-04T12:19:00.002-07:00

May 4, 2015
Well guys, Depression really sucks. You wake up and don't want to get out of bed just to repeat the same stuff you did the day before. How Boring that has become. But you have to push through another day. Why does routines for a depressed individual seem to make depression worse? I thought routines were good for us? I don't understand why its so hard to get out of bed to repeat what was done the day before...anyone else struggle with this? If not how do you look forward to the same stuff every day? I really wanna enjoy life again...I want to wake up and say Yay! I woke up again! Let's do this! Isn't that how it is for the un-depressed people? Or what is it like for the people who aren't depressed? I missed the memo of how life is supposed to feel like every day for the rest of the life you were given. Please fill me in, in my comments below so I know thank you for your time.

Ok game on with this blog

2014-09-02T22:58:00.001-07:00

I'm sick of Facebook so I'm moving here to post my updates and pictures etc...but will keep my Facebook so my girls can maybe find me.

Today didn't get much work done on the house as planned (to catch you up...rent house was too far torn up and put too much money into it to go and turn around and hand it over to another renter to tear up again...so we are moving back soon as we get the shower surround put in and bathroom sink) I keep vacuuming the carpets...oh how I have missed having carpet! The plan is to keep it clutter free and sell the house we are living in...cuz we are done renting to tenants (friends of friends and family smh)...so sick of it...and it makes it feel like a personal attack when they tear stuff up...and disappoints us so much that we can't do it anymore to ourselves or our friends...
We already sold one rent house...it was also too far gone...took a hard loss on it...but no more headache of fixing the unfixable/not worth fixing/sick of fixing house/money pit....anyway...

So yeah, also plan to have family and friends over Alot and keep it clutter free .

Well I'm getting tired so I gotta go to bed, so have a good night and day tomorrow. Talk to you again soon and more often .
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

P.s . I went to bishops a restaurant and paid $32 for me my two kids and my husband and it was not worth it.. It was so gross. My stomach hurts bad too...ooh well...lesson learned...at least I got to see my moms side of the family and they got to see me and the new baby...so that made it worth it...gn

July 14, 2014

2014-07-14T16:41:00.000-07:00

This didn't post for some reason so here is an update I posted ages ago

I had baby girl on 4-4-14 she is healthy and happy and someday will be wise. Exactly what I prayed for.
The boys are growing up big and are still making me be at my wits end. But pulling in on the reigns and putting our foot down and getting consistent finally. So hopefully they will turn around 180 style soon.
I still miss my 2 girls and 2 babies who died and my mom who died. But it's getting a little easier, but I still have my days where they are all I can think about.
Baby girl is named Evangeline Nicole D so her initials spell END because she is my seventh and final child. I go in and have my tube tied this Thursday, and no that's not a typo, I had my right ovary and tube removed because of cysts awhile back (before baby girl) so there is still hope if you're down to one working baby maker. :)
We just got back from vacation. The boys went to Disneyland in Florida with my husbands aunt and uncle. And we met them at their house in Chelsea Alabama then left for Orange Beach Alabama for our part of the vacation. Then we swung by on our way back home to stop and see my sister and brother in law in Arkansas. Then stopped in with my husbands cousins for the fourth of July celebration. Not to mention we swung by and seen duck dynasty warehouse. We were in a long line to meet and get signed things with Si but I got too hot and sunburnt and we went through the store seen him and left instead. Oh well. I tried. Anyway, it was a nice vacation we took, but I'm glad to be home.
I will post pics some other time of her birth and our vacation. Just don't have access to those pics on my phone ATM for some reason. Anyway ttyl.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D

Made it through detox and feeling great

2013-08-21T13:55:00.001-07:00

Sorry I don't do well without support on keeping up with posts on here felt like I was talking to a wall...still do...but for the quiet followers that are interested to know I figured I would drop a line to share that I'm doing a lot better with cravings for the pills and for those who want to quit their norco or other pills of pain relief...I can say you can do it...it's a struggle but once you're out of the clutches of it...it's smooth sailing from that point on.

My legs rarely have the twinge of pain in them (the reason I was on the pills for was my legs hurt for no known reason but I've come to conclusion that my sister and dad were right it was my body craving more pain meds) it was rocky but I made it through...

So if I can do it anyone can...just have someone hide your pills or dispose of them properly...(make them a paste add coffee grounds and put in container and throw away...it maybe different where you live so talk to your pharmacy on properly disposing of medications) and good luck!

Talk to y'all later

Sincerely, Rabeka Jo

Day 8 detox

2013-08-13T20:10:00.001-07:00

Not so much diarrhea today but a couple times...nausea, exhausted, can't seem to get enough sleep, shoulder bursitis hurts like a mad hornets nest, legs every once in awhile has pangs of pain that leave soon as they come so that's good...back hurts but probably cuz all I do is lay around all night and day snoozing here and there...it's ridiculous how much I've been sleeping...idk if its just the way I am without the pills or if this is still detox I just know after ten days I can't blame detox anymore...

No more cravings as they call them...I had my husband hide my pills so they wouldn't tempt me anymore...keep icing my shoulder...motivation to do anything is nonexistent...I need mojo...not the sexy kind...just keep praying for me...I can overcome and hope to bounce back soon...need to get stuff done around here and need to gain respect from my kids someway some how...I can't keep living the way I've been and the pills gave me false hope that I was fine long as I was on them...it's time to face the music and step up to the plate and mean business...in the mean time though...I have to listen to my body and rest is what is demanded of me so rest I must do...going back to bed soon...good night

Sincerely,

Rabeka Jo

Day 7 detox

2013-08-12T13:46:00.001-07:00

I had enough energy to take a shower and shave...which was nice....but now I'm itchy...zest wasn't my best choice on soap...tonight we go to open house at my kids school so I will miss first night of treatment but it will be ok I will go tomorrow night...anyway my pain levels are starting to come down but not in my real injury (bursitis in my shoulder) but my legs come in waves of sharp pain here and there in my calves...

I really hope my sharing my experience helps someone who is thinking about or is currently trying to stop taking pain meds...that's why I decided to share my experience...

I think I'm done craving at this point...so think I'm in the clear...it was very difficult but I made it through it...I will keep updating as new and old come into play...I still have diarrhea which is to be expected but I keep drinking power aide to keep hydrated...anyway ttyl

Sincerely,

Rabeka Jo

Day 5 detox

2013-08-10T16:22:00.001-07:00

I've been in bed majority of the day my legs hurt so bad and my back...I am refusing to take Tylenol and Benadryl today and I'm finding I'm totally depleted of any energy I may or may not have had today had I taken them...I need more electrolytes and cigarettes...guess I will get up and go to the store...or rather try to go to the store...ttyl

Day 4 Detox

2013-08-09T23:37:00.000-07:00

My pain is increased in my lower back hips and legs and even knees now...I have diarrhea...and feel spacey...those pills are so tempting...because just taking them would make all this go away and I would feel so much better so I am going to properly dispose of my pills by making them into a paste then mixing them with coffee grounds and put them in the can and throw them in the trash (as directed by my local pharmacy)...because there is no place to take unused meds...that way they can't tempt me anymore...or taunt me not sure what it is they are doing...maybe both...I went to my Assessment and am going to start going three times a week to a sobriety counselor group session...so hopefully they can give me the skills I need to get through this...if I feel weak though I may have to fake my relapse (because I can't afford to actually relapse) to get into a treatment facility...because they already told me I am out of the woods because I am past day 3 which IMHO I am far from out of the woods and I will be the one to decide when I feel safe enough to be out here in the real world that temps me every waking hour to use...OKAY?!

So yeah, still want to just cave in and use the pills and feel better and forget this pain and anxiety that is raging through my body like I been struck by lightning or something...just surged and on edge at every little thing....

Here is how strong I am...to test my sobriety today, (Devil's work on me today) I made the mistake of feeding the dogs before I left thinking nothing of it...well when we got home four hours later my husbands old dog who is 13 greeted us at the gate covered in mud and as we approached him we seen blood dripping from both ears...he had been brutally attacked by my dogs a Pug and Puggle ( he is a big old Lab mind you but he is 13 and having a hard time getting around as is)...anyway my heart sunk...I started shaking...I couldn't believe this happened and it was my fault...I should of let him in and dealt with the mud on the floor...but instead my stupid ass left him outside with food that the pug and puggle protect like wolves...which is stupid...most stupidest thing I could ever have done to the poor dog...and I feel horrible!!!!! He had to get stitches rang up a 71 dollar vet bill to buy my husband a little more time with his dog before he puts him down...which was planned on doing in the next 6 months anyway due to him not being able to get up and down stairs like he used to and getting around very roughly...he is struggling as is...and now here he is mangled and hurt...I helped my husband give him a bath to try and see what was going on with his wounds...I called the vet they said to bring him in...so we were preparing to put him to sleep as there may not have been anyway they could help him...but he ended up being able to be stitched up and bought a little more time with us...anyway...its a big strain on my sobriety...I just want to be numb from it all...all the guilt...all the pain I caused my husband...and kids...and now we have to find new homes for our pug and puggle because they maybe a threat to our kids now....I just am beside myself...I really don't know what to do or say anymore...I feel like a failure and if I take my pills I would fail even harder...so I am trying so hard to just swallow my instinct and instead of reaching for my piills...just go on and dispose of them and get that out of the way so its no longer there taunting me...I feel too weak to do that...may have to have my husband do it for me...I may be tempted to take just one sliver of each secretly while making them into a paste to mix with the coffee grounds...so either my husband watches me or he does it for me...I don't trust myself...or he hides the pills from me...something has to be done...I am totally scared of caving in and I have come so far through this...and never wish to ever visit this place never ever again...anyways...

Very eventful day...feel like crap...ready to go to bed...hoping tomorrow will be better...keep wishing that every night...the shakes weren't as bad as they were this morning...I started taking one benadryl instead of two...and hope that maybe the cause of my shakes...plus my tongue was swollen this morning which meant either I ate something I was allergic to or maybe I was dehydrated...which given that I was taking benadryl and hadn't drank all night...probably the dehydrated part...so been pushing fluids all day...anyway...need to get more gatoraid...or electrolyte filled drinks...I had poweraid I think...not gatoraid oh well...anyways...need more...must hydrate...

keep ya posted thanks for following me and praying for me they are very much needed especially during this stressful time...tempting time...all this could go away with just my pills and a glass of water...all would be well in my world...my legs and back wouldn't hurt and my mind wouldn't be racing with thoughts and my chest wouldn't be pounding from all this anxiety...but no I will be strong and get through this...because I have no other choice...I have to do this...got my game face back on...I am ready for bed...

Good night!
Thanks again,
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

Day 3 detox

2013-08-08T21:39:00.001-07:00

Nausea has set in on me to add to leg pain and lower back pain which was the original reason I got put on these meds...really wish I was in the hospital doing this but they either don't treat patients in my condition or they want you in day you quit to go through detox there...they claim I'm in the clear for detox...they claim it will only get better and that the norco and Valium and naproxen and gabapentin are not usually drugs they need to hospitalize to detox well I'm running a fever and have migraines on and off and lost all appetite have to force myself to eat...maybe I'm an acceptation to their little box of normalcy...I really don't know and don't care what they think about this...for me it's worse thing ever...I'm sorry if I scare you I'm very sensitive to medication the norco were only 5's...so thankful that was enough to take care of my pain I couldn't imagine coming off tens at this point in time...I imagine this is what it's like to come on hard street drugs...thankfully I never had the experience of getting hooked on those...anyways keep prayers coming still shaky migraine here and there in waves...now nausea and loss of appetite...fever and chills 101.4...why do they have little boxes for me to fit in? I'm uniquely me...they can take their typical limit on days facing detox (3-5 days) and shove it up their asses...and that's all I have to say about that...thanks for the support and prayers Lord knows I need them since He will be the only help I can have through this...because the system failed me...going back asleep where I can escape from all these detox symptoms and the original reason for being on those damn pills...I don't care if I lose my legs and have them amputated and am in worse pain than having a baby with no drugs (4 of my 6 were that way so I know that pain threshold) I'm refusing hydro condone, opiates, and all addictive type medications and tell them to shove them up their asses...cuz I'm never going through this again! And if I do...lesson learned on going in the day I plan to stop them and not think for a moment I can go through this alone...fuck no...lesson learned...filed away in my mind forever...this really sucks...if you are thinking about getting off any opiates don't think for a second you can do it alone just go in...if no insurance they have state funded treatment facilities that won't help the insured like me...so call united way and find a treatment facility that's state funded and go in...I'm honestly ready to say "I'm going to kill myself" cuz it wouldn't be far from the truth at this point...shakes, nausea, vision going in and out of focus, migraine coming in waves, leg and lower back pain, yeah just put me out of my misery please and thank you! I will walk to the hospital at this point...in this town it wouldn't be advisable this late at night or even in broad day light...so not going to do that...but my husband is very tired and I don't want to have him take me to the er and pay $100 copay and them not keep me...so I will bite this bullet some more and hope all is well tomorrow...gn

Detox day 3

2013-08-08T18:23:00.001-07:00

Running a 101.4 temperature pain has returned to unbearable levels but migraine is at bay...my legs and lower back hurt so bad it ain't even funny...I tried to go into treatment but they consider me already detoxed cuz it's three days out...unless I have suicidal or homicidal thoughts they can't help me...so I'm going back to bed...I need dr supervision but don't qualify...this is ridiculous...tomorrow I go to a recovery place for an assessment and then probably go to intense outpatient treatment...in the mean time though those pills are calling my name...and it's hard to ignore the call of all this pain being gone...lord help me through one more day...gn

Update on detox

2013-08-07T22:02:00.001-07:00

Well, migraine is starting to set in on me fast...this is the part where I caved in last time...but I have to stay strong and push through it and get to the other side keep the prayers coming I'm going to need them tomorrow and through the rest of this detox process...if I can't handle it and have the urge to grab the pills I will not grab them instead head to the hospital for the rest of my detox...I think I can I think I can...thanks for your support

Sincerely

Rabeka Jo

Day 2 detox

2013-08-07T13:54:00.001-07:00

Day 2 detox from Norco, Valium, Gabapentin, and Naproxen.

Tremors have set in, I struggled to sign my name for the co pay at the addiction specialists office...they say there is no option to help me through these withdrawals at this point in time because of unmentionable reasons...I am unable to get into right now...He said I could take Benadryl and Tylenol to help with Anxiety and pain and temperature...but that is all I can do right now...that and sleep through it...If I get weak and find myself reaching for the pills...I have an option to go into the hospital for 3-5 days to finish withdrawing there which is something I would prefer given that I am struggling so hard to keep going through this to get off these pills because I HAVE to....I have no other choice but to get off these meds...my shoulder is killing me (Bursitis) and my leg cramps have returned full force...my anxiety is high...my kids are with my mother in law but I think she intends to bring them home which will no doubt add to my anxiety....I don't know how to tell her not right now please without seeming selfish, or rude, or I don't know what the word I am looking for, but I really don't want to add the anxiety of taking care of two fighting boys to the mix though they would be accompanied by my niece and they tend to get along better with her around...but still their energy and disobedience is so not welcomed right now...but I don't think I have a choice in that matter they want to come home and what they want is what they get...the hospital is seeming more and more appealing....but my husband thinks I can do it on my own at home and don't need to wrack up a bill that insurance may or may not cover...we can't afford anything not covered....thinking about calling insurance and seeing what they have to offer me...because I really don't know if I can make it through with the dismissal of my concerns by those around me as if I am putting everyone around me out by deciding to stop meds right now...I really can't help the timing...it is vital that I stop asap...I hope and pray that God gets me through this and I can overcome it and walk away with nothing wrong far as irritability and other adverse effects of withdrawal...I can't add to the chaos that surrounds me...My flesh is weak....but God is stronger than all that comes into my life and He will no doubt see me through it all...just hope it is over soon.

Thanks for stopping in and checking in on me I will update more as things occur...I just took two benadryl and a Tylenol arthritis (1) strength (650mg) and hope to be able to go to sleep but think my mother in law is intending on bringing the boys and niece home...so not sure how that is going to go over...keep my patience in check Lord...and keep my struggle hidden from them I pray...this is so not easy at all on me...

I think some maybe wondering how I could accidentally become addicted so I thought I would clarify that statement from my first post of this series...I been on Norco for a long time...not sure when I started...but it was because my legs had awful cramps in them...they ended up saying it was Fibromyalgia...but Rhumatologist ruled that out and wanted either a back surgeon to look me over (because he thought it was in my lower back that was causing the leg pain or a muscle biopsy...well the Dr decided to do the muscle biopsy and it came back normal...so no answers as to why my pain was there...now my leg where the biopsy was taken down to my ankle is numb and I have a scar but no answers...I continued to stay on Norco....but I took them regularly after surgery every 4-6 hours they are Norco 5's so I thought I was doing good when I got back down to my every 8 hours and even stretched it a little farther at times to stretch my pills for the month...I didn't know my body had grown accustom to the drug and when I quit for those three days it let me know it was protesting that move but I didn't realize it until I looked up the withdrawal signs and symptoms...then I realized my body had became addicted...I myself don't feel addicted...I don't have to have them...but my body does...does that make sense? so now I sit and wait to get through the withdrawals and hope I keep my flesh strong and refrain from dragging it on and on...Dr said 3-5 days it should take for the withdrawals to stop...I hope its 3 not 5 or longer because I don't know how much more of this I can take...

So I am going to go and try and sleep...and hope that if my kids do come home...that I can sleep through these tremors and ease my way into recovery with little effort...wish me luck and keep praying for me as I know I am weak in my despair...thanks guys.

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

P.s. Life hasn't been easy on me...loss of two girls to corrupt system and adopted to strangers, then later a daughter died from HLHS and Turner Syndrome then 4 months after that my mother died from skin cancer, then I had a stillborn son at 28 weeks along...The girls being the biggest loss I experienced by far...but THIS maybe the hardest thing I been through by far...thanks again for the prayers I need them

Accidentally addicted

2013-08-07T00:36:00.001-07:00

Accidentally Addicted

My journey through withdrawal from Norco 5, Valium, gabapentin, and Naproxen (I know Norco and Valium are the only ones I am withdrawing from but I been on all four for many months so I thought I would include them)

Well, I took my pills every 8 hours as instructed (3x a day) by my doctor so I thought I had a handle on it and even didn't take it ever 8 hours sometimes just waited until I couldn't tolerate the pain no more. I had been taking them every 4-6 hours after I had a Muscle biopsy done on my calve...which came back normal. My legs have been aching for a very long time...doctors don't know why and want to say its somatic...in other worse psycho somatic. Which I think its in my lower back because when I bend over a lot it makes the pain in my legs much worse...but they refuse to do an MRI to rule that out because I had one done in Sept. 2012 when this all started and it showed nothing. Here it is nearly a year later and they still won't do one? OK fine its somatic but I ain't taking anti-depressants, those don't fix circumstances and my depression is 100% circumstances and not chemical which is what anti depressants fix.

I tried on July 28th, 2013 after taking a dose at 4am on that day, just stopping my meds, just cause I was sick and tired of them being the only way I could function. That was not a good choice on my part. First day (July 28th) off I was lethargic didn't want to do anything but lay around and sleep all day and night. Day 2 (July 29) I was sick to my stomach all day long and had no appetite on top of lethargic. Day 3 (July 30) same thing no appetite, sour stomach, and was starting to get a headache. Day 4 (July 31) I woke up at 10:30 and had a migraine worst ever I experienced in my life and ended up caving in and taking my meds right then and there. Later that day when it came time to take next dose I cut them in half and took Norco that way until Aug 5th then I started taking them half of the half so quarter of them...here it is Aug. 6th I didn't take any pills accept tylenol and got benadryl for the anxiety...was trying to quit smoking too but thats just going to have to be next on the list...its just not happening at the same time as these pills cuz they are hard to quit.

So today (Aug 6th), my right hand has been shaky all day, been tired excessively and irritable with kids and animals but not violent, starting to get a headache, and starting to lose appetite but not really more of a motivation just vanished at this point I am hungry but have no go to attitude to fix anything sorta thing. its 2:30am on Aug 7th as I write this. I thought hey here is an idea blog my experience getting off these meds so maybe it can help someone out there who wants to get off them...can see it can be done that you just gotta get through the rough patches which I plan to.

Today (Aug 7th) I go to see my addiction counselor (the one who prescribed the Vallium which is only 2mg and I take half every 8 hours to keep my anxiety in check which is the only anxiety med that works for me and I have been on them all along with anti-depressants so don't judge him for putting me on them, its just a choice that I decided to cut that and Norco at the same time and the other two as well. I just want to function without having to reach for pills) Anyway I will update tomorrow (I plan to at least) and let you know how that visit went with the doctor and what he suggests I do to get off them and off them as fast and safely as possible. So Wish me luck! And if you pray, say a prayer of hedge of protection around my body so I can get through this. Thank you so very much!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

-Philippians 4:13

"For in him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily. And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power:"

-Colossians 2:9-10

Wish me luck! Thank's guys for your support during my difficult journey that awaits before me! I going to need all the support I can get at this point.

Sincerely,

Rabeka Jo

12/3/2011 I love my chiropractor! And new family dr

2011-12-02T23:03:00.001-08:00

Dr Rebecca Jordan in Wichita, KS is a miracle worker. I was T-boned in a wreck where the lady ran a red light. My back pinched both sciatic nerves, I was in level 9 pain in my back and both legs, my family dr did an X-ray of my hip, and thy and sent me on my way. Went back seen a different dr got flexeril. Then went to Dr Jordan who is my new best friend cause my once 9 pain level, I have nearly cut that in half and now sit at a pain level of 4-6 instead! Awesome miracle worker!
Now I have found a new dr and I already know I am going to enjoy having her as a dr. Anyway Dr Yang I rushed me out the door before I realized I was walking away without any pills to manage my pain. So that's why I changed drs plus his nurse is too grumpy too. Anyways I'm nodding off so I need to go to sleep got D's boys scout space derby tomorrow and chiropractor appointment so gn!
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

2011-11-15

2011-11-15T23:56:00.000-08:00

So today I was at the school picking up my cousin's kid and this lady commented on how I was wearing an Eeyore coat and she stated she wore her Carebear grumpy bear coat earlier...yeah I am "wearing carebear panties LMAO I am just a big kid and if I could find Sherah or Rainbowbright stuff to wear I would wear them too LOL and she said I liked ninja turtles...I said oh yeah I loved those too...I asked if she remembered the Rap cd they brought out with Pizza hut and she didn't know what I was talking about and I said oh you must be younger than me cause I remember like it was yesterday...she said no I shouldn't even have this young kid in pre-k cause she was too old or whatever and I was like you can't be older than me I am 31...and she said well I am 32 and I said Oh ok well not much older than me...but irony of it was that I am sitting here trying to get pregnant with my 3rd at home but 7th I have or will have gave birth to and she is sitting here saying she shouldn't have a kid in pre k at her age LMAO!
So what am I doing trying to get pregnant at "MY AGE"?! LMAO wow I didn't know I was old until today XD too funny!
So that made my day today...still haven't taken Cymbolta, and my doctor didn't prescribe me anything for my pain so I am suffering...so I don't know what to do...guess he thinks I am an addict...who cares I am done I guess...with doctors at least...they don't know nothing anyways...and when they think they know something only a pill is going to fix me but no its just going to cover the problem and then eventually the untreated problem is going to cause more problems as well as the pill is going to give side effects that are worse than what you were facing in the first place so then they prescribe more drugs to cover up those side effects until you are on so many drugs you cant see straight when all you really needed was something to smoke to make you feel so much better...and pain free...and hey it even grows brain cells...proven fact! Comment if you know what I am talking about! Totally should be legalized!

Tonight was Boyscouts for my oldest son...that went well...minus the frustrating glue foam project they had to do wow that was frustrating...so yeah...anyways...they boys had fun thats what matters...(not my youngest he threw a fit when he seen what the oldest had done that night) anyways...
We put the car in the shop today too...that was an adventure...now we wait...hopefully we will get our car back soon cause the Dodge Avenger is the worst care we have driven in our lives...it has too many blind spots and scares us to death...anyways its a rental thank God...so it won't be ours for ever...just until they fix our car...anyways.

I hope the calls stop tomorrow for my husband so he can sleep during the day and I hope they don't call me until after noon...cause I want to sleep in tomorrow...before the next day which is Thursday when I have Comcare to go to for my counselor at 9am and then stick around there for an hour until my group at 11am so yeah Thursday will be a good day...anyways...
Thats about it I think for the last few days...my hip hurts still its like I have flu in the lower back and its shooting the flu like feeling down my legs and its so achy and hurts so bad but IDK what to do about it...cause dr didn't write a script just took x rays and said OK its not broke see ya basically and then the nurse was going to call me out something and they didn't call me to let me know they did call me out something so IDK...I guess I could go down to the pharmacy and see if they called anything out for me or not...but I am sure they would have called me and let me know...hmm...anyways
I will talk to you later,
Thanks for listening.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

2011-11-12T14:42:00.000-08:00

This is the end results of an accident we were in on 11-11-11 where a lady ran a red light and T-boned us...I hope to have the car fixed soon cause having to climb over and in and out is a drag and pain in my butt cause the middle isn't exactly goose proof...if you know what I mean...anyways...my husband has been cleaning the garage to make room for the porche to be moved into the garage...I been trying to help but my back, and my hip/leg on the left side hurts so I am not really helpful today...I wanted to go to the minor emergency today but didn't get to go yet...not sure if I will end up going or not...I don't feel like climbing in and out only to be told everything is fine...and there is no pain meds they can prescribe me because they can't prescribe narcotics so why bother? just soft tissue damage I think any way...the deep tissue too....anyways...I am sorer than I was at the time of the accident as many people are...
Anyways just thought I would share what happened yesterday...thanks for stopping by and checking in on me...ttyl
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

Post colonoscopy

2011-09-14T08:52:00.001-07:00

Food never tasted so good...they were right it's not as bad as the prep. I'm currently chowing down on Spangles breakfast bowl and it tastes soooo good!
Everything was normal so it's IBS so comment your natural way to take care of yours I appreciate.
Stomach hurts still so nothing for pain so idk what to do but sleep ASAP.
Having a second breakfast bowl coming I've been starving since Monday at midnight when I was forced to stop eating solid foods and went on a liquid diet so I'm entitled to a second helping.
Anyway thought I wouldn't leave you hanging my invisible concerned blog readers. :-)
Talk to you later
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
Ps. I'm a lil loopier than normal cuz of anesthesia so pardon me no big major decisions no matter how he'll bent I am on getting a tattoo today my husband won't let me :-( lol

Colonoscopy prep finished

2011-09-13T23:44:00.001-07:00

Go to > http//:www.YouTube.com/user/Rabekajo < to view my latest video of me drinking the prep stuff...I think it's funny.
Nasty stuff and man my butt is all sorts of tore up (sorry to be graphic but hey I'm being honest here) hemorrhoids galore down there seen and felt at least 3 down there while applying A&D to the area, someone on a message board recommended Vaseline but I prefer A&D when messing around with injuries like bleeding hemorrhoids. People also say the prep is worse than the procedure but I shall be the judge tomorrow at 9 am CST pray for me that they find the benign reason behind my pain and instantly fix the problem and pain can be a thing of the past for me. Thanks.
Surprisingly this experience was exactly the same experience I had while taking Zoloft weird huh? Horrifying definitely I hope to never have to do this again for a very long time if not never again.
I'm not going to sugar coat nothing. So if you are looking for truth, you have come to the right place. Subscribe publicly so I know people like what they read and comment I don't mind answering questions. Actually being able to answer questions would be so awesome! So thanks for the feed back.
Well gotta get some sleep...I'm wearing a depends (adult diaper) for just in case cuz it seeps out a little I think. Anyways thanks for checking in on me, this blogger app sure makes keeping up with them a lot easier so thanks blogger!
Ttyl
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

Note Mental standpoint

2011-05-04T13:22:00.001-07:00

I realize people grieve differently but I feel guilty for the way I am grieving...it's almost like "oh well...I'm used to it" which is half way true it's becoming more and more a trend in my life. When everyone around me is so sorry to hear of yet another loss in my life most are more sorry than I am which to me is the coldest thing I can declare being a bereaved mother twice now, daughter and granddaughter twice now. But it's truth whether I want it to be or not.
Maybe I finally have that defense mechanism my husband wishes I had and it's kicked in and is full power ahead...I guess that's a possibility...
I say to many I'm praying for you but honestly I hardly even pray ever in my life because of fear of not doing it correctly just as with cleaning or gardening I have this sheer terror come over me when even thinking about doing anything and everything I force myself in doing things then when just one person criticizes my accomplishment I painfully accomplished finally I quickly start questioning everything I'm doing in life as in if I'm doing those things right too...it's stupid but out of my control completely because I rely so much on those around me for their approval...and it's just dumb...I should only care about what I think or feel about my accomplishments and disregard everyone else's two cents as maybe two wishes for 1 them disappear and 2 them to not matter to me anymore.
I know I've ran just about everyone off in my life...because my phone never rings it was nice while I had notices of Facebook activity delivered to my phone via text message but they started being jumbled weird messages that online were normal but in text message form made absolutely no sense at all. One more instance of my cutting my arm will no doubt put my ass out on the curb and quite frankly I belong there...in the gutter because I don't deserve what I have since I can't take care of anything without fear of doing it incorrectly...so why not blow it too...I'm really getting the hang of pushing people away and really good at pissing people off too...and hurting people too.
Truth is right now if I lost everything it wouldn't surprise me at all...and I sure as hell wouldn't fight to keep it neither I mean I don't deserve anything but misery...got the memo after losing the 7th person in my life (gma Delphine, Rowsheall, Katelyn, Josephine, my mommy, gma Cole, and now River Lyric) the message is loud and clear! Though I'm not sure if I'm hearing it correctly or not...again my fear of not doing things right or not...so stupid!
Why can't God just sit me down and explain it all to me and reassure me I'm doing things right along the way? You know say here's exactly what this was for here is what exactly you are to do about it and then send me on my way encouraging me to keep going and assuring me I'm doing it correctly...then is when I will finally be able to say to my critics say what you want but this IS THE RIGHT WAY GOD TOLD ME AND KEEPS ASSURING ME IM DOING EVERYTHING THE WAY I AM SUPPOSED TO SO KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOUR SELF I HAVE NO USE FOR THEM!!!! Lol
But that won't happen, when it does it will be too late then to do anything about it anyway so I guess I need to just do it and ignore the critics because I've been asking for help and no one is offering guidance but soon as I finally do something sure then is when people come out and criticize what I've accomplished so I'm just going to do what I want and if anyone says a damn thing about if it were them they'd done it a different way...I with a smile on my face say that's very nice but I didn't ask for your criticism I simply was showing you what I accomplished today on my own after begging for people to help me in instructing me on how to do things for fear of doing things wrong, I finally over came this fear and now you suddenly are full of advice that's so very nice of you to share after I've done it...in your eyes...wrong...in my eyes though...this is how it should be done...MY WAY! Take me or leave me, I couldn't care less. Tired of waiting on everyones schedules to free up time...I have too much time on my hands and no one has time for me...I got that memo too...so compliment or congratulate me on my job well done but keep your helpful advise to yourself after it's done because it's wasteful knowledge at this point in time dear.
Have I really turned into this cold hearted bitch? Well yeah...surprisingly this pushover and walk-on dirt eater has and she has had enough of the silent until able to criticize jerks in my life. So goodbye old life hello new! I'm taking charge and if you don't agree with what I'm doing tough shit you had my puppet strings in your hands and you didn't have the time nor did you show interest in my crisis then why have you suddenly grown interest and an opinion on how to do things? Fuck you your too late! Its done and done correctly in my eyes! So stay out my life as you obviously desired to...and never share your opinion with how you think I should have done things because your too late aren't you? It's already done!
Ok I feel better now to actually live by this...THAT would be AWESOME! But doubtful oh well I tried.

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo