does this font make me look fat?

wedding dress and shoes!

2012-01-11T07:27:00.000-05:00

"we've got to get her a man before she fills this house with crucifixes and pussycats"

2012-01-04T16:40:00.001-05:00

if i don't choose a date for my wedding reception rebecca is going to reach through the computer and kill me. the thing is, choosing a date is hard. really hard. i'm not sure how much i can commit to having my whole family around for my wedding. I had assumed that matt's family would be the problem but now it seems that my anxiety about my own family is the problem and i guess that's why we're planning an elopement in the first place.

the latest idea is to video tape the actual wedding and show it as a movie at a very cool old movie theater. it's not expensive, it's a super fun idea (i think) it would hold all of our guests and we might be able to have alcohol for those who want it. the problem is that securing a date and inviting people makes me feel itchy. even if we end up just having friends up and watching a movie of our choosing with popcorn, it wouldn't be a total waste of an experience. gosh, i might need chocolate and valium to get through this planning.

"no one wins, one side just loses more slowly"

2011-12-14T20:04:00.000-05:00

I've been doing a lot of new age style self help work lately. that sounds crazy and it probably is but I've been feeling like I just spend too much time angry and I'm getting older and I just don't want to go on like that. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my family and how i grew up and why i hold on to things i should be able to let go of. I haven't gotten it all figured out yet, but I think it's important to look for answers before I'm turning 51 and I still have so many feelings that don't take me forward.

The bulk of my triggers come from family and real or perceived slights. Most of this is matt's family because i keep a lot of distance from my family. I can't keep much distance from matt's family so I have to find a way to deal with it in a more positive way. I've been thinking and talking to my sister about our childhood and it's helping me understand more about myself than i've ever really tried before. I've always been hard to get to know, I keep up a lot of walls. A lot of that is protecting myself from my family.

My parents weren't horribly abusive but they weren't very good either. I can't remember a time when I didn't make my own lunch for school or do my own laundry. Before first grade I had to use chairs to reach the buttons. Matt told me his mom taught him how to do laundry when he went to college. that is what a normal family does. A normal, attentive mother. A normal mother doesn't leave her kids sitting outside of school until it's dark and not notice when their six year old isn't at the dinner table.

My sister says she couldn't ever forget her kids. I don't know how anyone could. it's not like she did drugs, she just wasn't that interested in caring for us. and neither was my dad. They had kids because that's what you were supposed to do. we had food and clothes, they paid for my college at least what the scholarship didn't cover, but no attention. not ever.

So I guess my parents raised me to be very independent with their negligence. independent and hesitant to trust because who can you rely on if you can't count on your parents. I'm trying to understand this and realize that it's not always going to be like that. I can trust matt. Always. that's the thing i'm basing all my personal growth on. I can trust him which means I can work on other things and try to let some other people in and stop feeling like i have to bear every burden on my own. I'm working on it.

"Well, what if the baby killed a man?"

2011-12-11T07:14:00.000-05:00

My mother in law gave me cat earrings for my birthday. again. I think this is evidence that she does in fact hate me but matt says he asked her and she said no. ha. This is why he says we should ignore as we are ignored and I do try not to care. I do. I have better days and worse days and there are some days I wish I could be vapid and focused on reproduction and big family weddings but I just can't, it's just not me. I'm trying to be a better person and let it go.

Actually I want to be such a good person that it doesn't even bother me but I'm not sure I can afford the therapy to be that good. I'll settle for not seething because someone gave me a present. That'll all change when we get married and she's not there, I'm sure I won't see anything as friendly as cat earrings again. I might have to start a completely new blog for that, something with barbed wire.

As this is supposed to be a weightloss blog, I will share that I am losing very slowly by eating more calories. It's very difficult psychologically to eat more calories to lose weight but i'm tracking and really trying to eat well to fuel our daily exercise. I need to get back in to my pilates every day thing. I've been stretching every day to keep my shoulder loose but I would definitely benefit from the core exercise. I have a dress that fits at my current size but I wouldn't mind terribly if I was so thin I had to buy a new one. I'd get over it.

"Going to the doctor is your answer for everything"

2011-12-10T08:18:00.000-05:00

I chose this title because one of my co-workers said it, the one who was out sick all week with, well, everything. So I had to work extra hours all week but the kind where you're on tenterhooks while you wait to see if your co-worker has actually gone to the doctor. It's been a long weird week with not very much exercise and lots of bad food because today is my birthday. I have a very beautiful white box in my fridge and inside it is a cake. I'm excited about slicing her up but patient enough to have not done it yet. I have however started to open my presents and cards and YAY! birthdays are fun. I have a very exciting baguette pan and a bento box to pack my lunch in, which means I'll have to start really packing my lunch. I have a check from my dad I might use to get a facial or a massage or something else i haven't thought of yet. it's a very exciting day.

I don't know yet what is in store for me for the rest of the day. Matt is keeping his plans all quiet all though i definitely saw the sign he mentioned about how nothing says love like a gun. I guess we'll see.

"hey’re also floating the idea that his being dead may have been a pre-existing condition"

2011-11-30T17:45:00.000-05:00

so, i can't say i've been busy because that just doesn't seem true but i guess i can say my ability to manage my time has gotten worse. I don't know if it's winter or old age or what. the darkness is a problem. fitting a whole day into 8 hours of sunlight cramps my style. it's hard to walk the doggies in the dark and we are really counting the days until the light starts to come back. 22 more days till we start going the other way. and what's the deal with it being so warm? i don't watch the news but my homies at work told me this morning bangor was the warmest place in the US. what's that about? tomorrow is december and today was 62 degrees. this is maine, it's just so wrong. Snow in october, 62 on the last day of november. so weird.

I'm trying to get excited about baking this year and that's hard to do when it's so warm. I know there will be plenty of days for hot chocolate and warm cookies and i'll be cursing the cold before long but seriously it's weird. and those boots i bought are totally not necessary when it's 60, just saying.

I've been working on my wedding and recently nothing is that big a deal anymore. maybe it's winter malaise but i'm just not that into it anymore. the basics are covered and that's about it. I'm thinking of taking my brooch bouquet to flower class with me to ask my teacher's opinion. I don't really want to re-do it but i want it to look right and i'm not sure if i have the objectivity with it anymore.

"have you ever seen someone so unhappy to have a new iphone?"

2011-11-18T08:27:00.000-05:00

the salesman was totally right because I was totally unhappy to have to buy a new phone. i'm getting used to the new phone but it's weird and i'm super bummed that my genius plan to get my old phone working again failed miserably. i guess you need more than genius, you need luck and technical skills and the ability to let go and just be grateful you can afford a new phone and get over it.

on the downside, I lost everything. email addresses and phone numbers and music and everything. if I had your number and i owe you a call or a text, sorry dudes. my phone was dead for weeks before i got around to dealing with it and my sister was convinced i was dead and now because i live like a technology gypsy and have nothing written down...i'm totally without basic contact information for most of my family. it would be awesome if i learned a lesson from this but odds on I tell myself I'm going to write it all down and I won't. Maybe i'll surprise myself.

"I wish I had a blowhole"

2011-11-13T14:53:00.000-05:00

After years and years of abuse I finally killed my original iphone. it was the day after steve jobs died which i find especially poignant. anyway, since it took me longer to kill that phone than any other phone I have ever owned, i decided to hit up ebay and get a new old school iphone. At first I was just going to replace the screen and some other bits but then the whole thing bit the dust when whatever bits and bobs you need to charge the battery stopped working. a ha! I thought, I'll just replace the whole phone with this other old school phone i bought off ebay, which is in such good condition that i think they must have kept it in a glass case in on their mantle instead of actually using it as a phone. they certainly never dropped it twice a week on to cement like i did.

I thought changing out the guts would be hard and all the tutorials on youtube proved me right, what with the special tools and instructions that tell you to use force but be careful. I didn't think it would be more difficult to make the practically brand new phone come to life but i was totally wrong. it's way more frustrating dealing with stuff that should work as opposed to stuff that is leaking proverbial phone blood all over the place. customer care told me i had to get a new sim card...at the store...and after four days i was finally able to do this. and actually it helped. it helped in the way that i can now see the phone on my itunes and restore the settings but alas, can still not at all use the phone.

i'm starting to get hulk mad, like when your clothes rip at the seams and you call customer service and are short on the pleasantries with the tech help just because you can be, watch out at&t!

"how can they postpone halloween"

2011-11-01T07:00:00.000-04:00

Winter has arrived early and often and we are starting to understand how unprepared we are. I need new boots, a face mask, we both need new socks and probably some shovels. It's bad news how unprepared we are. but yay for shopping. I have some boots coming from zappos. I really love winter but not when i'm freezing to death.

To prepare for the storm we had to put the grill away and pick the last of the garden, and stack four truckloads of wood. The stacking was my favorite part and now all of my muscles are broken. even if sunday wasn't snowed in and powered down we would have been laying around all day anyway, in traction. it burns almost four hundred calories an hour though so that's a plus.

"I don't know what you're after but get me one too"

2011-10-13T10:31:00.001-04:00

I just baked the best baguette I have ever baked. it's also my first baguette and I'm hoping the process only improves. it's from the five minute artisan bread cookbook via king arthur flour and it honestly couldn't have been easier. you mix the ingredients in a very large bowl, or bucket. I used my largest cooking pot. You knead it for literally 2 minutes and let it rise on the counter in the bowl. and then you put it in the fridge overnight. You can keep it for up to a week, pulling out a pound at a time to shape and bake. this must be what french farm wives do, make it up once a week and bake a little every day. It all makes me feel very smug. I'd love to keep it up and bake fresh bread every few days but we'll see how long that lasts. least of all I don't need to eat that much bread. If you love bread baking and want to impress the crap out of your family, give it a try.

wedding progress report:

2011-10-04T18:16:00.000-04:00

Today I received most of my wedding ensemble. unless i hate it when i try it on of course. I got a sweater that is very vintage looking and actually looks just like my bouquet. I'll post pictures when I find time to try it all on. it could be fantastic...it could be way too matchy matchy.

I also ordered a belt for my dress which is not matchy matchy so hopefully it works out.

I have a few pairs of shoes that go with my belt, or vice versa, I'm not sure which ones i love the bestest but i get to try it all on and see what i like best.

I ordered two sets of wedding cake toppers today. two sets? yes, i'm a jerk. I couldn't decide and since they're actually salt and pepper shakers it's not like I can't use them. I have a pair of very adorable vintage black swans who make a quirky goth heart when put together. I also have a pair of pewter birds i can't remember the name of, pheasants maybe. they are very graceful with long tails. So I have a quirky option and a gracefully beautiful option depending on the mood. I can of course use them both on my table all year for any occasion and I just couldn't resist losing them at their super cheap prices.

I have a few more things to buy for matt's ensemble and a few small things that I know i will want for one of my wedding related parties that I will purchase as funds allow and then I am calling it quits on the shopping. if you keep shopping you keep finding things you like better and second guess your choices and i'm just done with that. i'm burnt out on decision making and i really have a lot left to do so some things really have to get settled on the quick.

"if you start seeing with your ears or whatnot...get to a doctor"

2011-10-03T20:15:00.000-04:00

I really need to get my scale back. Judging by how huge my engagement ring is I have lost one thousand pounds. I really have to see if i can get it sized. but then i might lost more weight. and then i'd just have to do it again. this is how i think, really. That is how lazy I am. there should be a study.

This weekend I baked everything in the whole world. I made chicken soup and biscuits for my sick boyfriend, I made banana chocolate muffins, peanut butter biscuits for knox's birthday! and an apple pie. The pie came out great, my crust recipe is really improved. The peanut butter biscuits got no complaints from the doggies and knox was so eager to help me with the taste testing he ate four banana chip muffins with wrappers. hopefully he doesn't have regrets about that. I certainly do, they were really good and definitely not meant for doggies.

Matt and his dad agreed the soup came out well and matt's dad asked me an interesting question i've never thought about before. how do I know it's good if i never taste it? 80% of the things I cook I never taste. I've never eaten my own chicken soup or pot roast, beef stew or meatloaf. I have no idea how they taste. I remember what my mom's recipes taste like and I cook them the same way my mom did. He asked me how I season things and i said I guessed and he laughed. I suppose it's more like instinct that guessing. I don't know if it's impressive that I can feed matt without tasting anything or if i'm missing huge areas I could learn and grow as a cook. I guess there's not much I can do about it unless I go back to eating meat, I suppose I should just be happy matt is happy. if I was a terrible cooker of meat I'm sure he'd take over. or divorce me.

"I can't help laughing at uncomfortable truths, that's why i got kicked out of that al gore movie"

2011-09-29T06:49:00.000-04:00

Matt and I have had a rough few weeks with feeling awful with allergies and catastrophies at home and working extra hours. It's been crappy. I'm really hoping the new month brings just a little more peace. In the good news, I think I'm losing weight. I don't know for sure because matt confiscated the scale for potato weighing and he hasn't brought it back. I just feel skinny and probably it's a relief that I don't know for sure because feeling skinny and having proof of fat is bad news.

I've made almost all of my wedding outfit decisions. I still have this feeling in the back of my head that if we get a huge amount of financial help i'll get a dressier dress but probably that's not the best use of the money. And anyway, dress. I have a dress and I guess I'm feeling ok about it because I've started to consider everyone else's outfit. I'm thinking about some wedding sneakers for matt and my witness is going to be very pregnant by my wedding so god knows what she'll want to wear. probably by then she won't care that much as long as she can walk. Are there rules on getting out of someone's wedding if you're a million months pregnant. Of course I know she wants to be there but she might feel totally different when it's too late, when tickets are bought and what not. what do you guys think? Would you let her know it's ok to back out?

"I like you temporarily"

2011-09-23T08:52:00.000-04:00

I was supposed to be finishing turnipalooza last night but instead we came home and while preparing to take the woofers out Leo ran in and was missing a very big chunk of his back haunch. Matt grabbed him and put him in the carrier and i got my bag and swept him off to the emergency vet.

It looks like he survived a very unpleasant meeting with a fisher cat or a fox. He's bruised everywhere and has lots of scratches in addition to the huge bite on his back.

The whole time he didn't cry a bit and hopped all around like he didn't have a hole in his person. He does not however like the cone very much and he has to wear it for two weeks.

Jolie, his bestest friend, sat outside his crate last night crying. We let him out today and they're sitting on the bed together. Knox keeps trying to chew the collar but so far no one is trying to lick him anywhere he isn't supposed to be licked.

I spent the whole night at the emergency vet and we had the honor of being the most horrific case there that night. Some folks with a golden retriever covered in porcupine quills looked absolutely faint when the doctor told me about his wounds in the waiting room. I probably wouldn't have fainted too if i wasn't so hopped on adrenaline. Poor Baby Paws!

"You have a horrible case of natural causes"

2011-09-21T06:24:00.000-04:00

I can no longer remember the last night I got a full night of sleep. My best friend says it's the wedding planning but that's not fair since I'm not having a real wedding. And I swear I don't even wake up thinking about wedding things, I wake up thinking about recipes and song lyrics and totally meaningless conversations. I had intended to stop and buy some melatonin or something but I was too tired and cranky and tonight I probably won't have time because I have to peel and blanch 200 pounds of turnips which we already waxed but are now FUCKING ROTTING in cold storage. What is the deal with the turnips? You're supposed to be able to wax the fuckers and keep them, they're turnips for heaven's sake they're supposed to be indestructible. The fresh tomatoes have a longer shelf life. We can't wax them, we definitely learned we can't can them, what is the deal? We're going to have to start offering them to the side of the road cows like strangers with candy if we can't figure this shit out.

2011-09-17T14:59:00.000-04:00

This photo shows the pink cameo that was my mothers'.

This photo shows a mustard seed pendant that was my grandmothers'.

I used a lace scarf of my mom's to bridge the top of the bouquet to the handle.

I finished the handle with an ivory ribbon and corsage pins. They're a little loose and I might have to re-do that before the actual wedding. I'm going to try real hard to leave it alone unless I find something I absolutely have to have or if I'm presented with an idea that I have to try. The handle is a little skinny which I'm undecided about. It took almost no time to put that part together so if I get a good idea on that front I might five it a try.

2011-09-15T18:13:00.000-04:00

This is the most recent pic. I took everything off and painted the foam and put everything back on but with a little more wisdom. I'm still working on finishing the bottom. That's the next step. I'm much closer now to a finished product that I like. There are still a few foam spots that of course only I see so I'm going to get some gold glue paint and glue a few more gold buttons to the foam and then I'm done fiddling with it.

I've made a few more decisions regarding my dress. all I need now is someone to marry us and a photographer. and then I have to decide on the reception...way more difficult.

"Thinking very often resembles napping, but the intent is different."

2011-09-10T07:29:00.000-04:00

These are the most recent pictures where the bouquet is almost done. I think the one thing I have learned, although I like the overall look, is that I have to do the whole thing over again. You can still see a lot of the foam and yet there is no room for more stuff, and it's HEAVY so adding more isn't ideal. I'm going to write the two dollars down to experience and buy a new foam dome. hehe. foam dome. anyway, I like it and i know it can be better so I'm really excited about it. I'm going to use all the things I've learned and do a bit more pre-planning on the foam core like painting or covering it so I won't have to focus on covering it with shinies.

"we come from a long line of army deserters and nasty drunks"

2011-09-05T09:23:00.000-04:00

my week of vacation is almost over. it's been a week of cooking and gardening and a lot of cleaning. A lot more cleaning than a vacation usually warrants but it takes a gosh darn lot of work to keep a house clean when you're in it all day. The dishes have been unbelievable. I've been cooking kind of a lot. We started picking potatoes and i made pickles and we canned a ridiculous ton of beets and we're still picking and cooking beans every day. I thought I would get tired of green beans every day but so far I haven't. i'd much rather cook and eat them than pick them maybe that's the key.

no, these are different pictures can't you tell!!!

2011-09-03T08:17:00.000-04:00

I received a package of gold flotsam in the mail yesterday so I added to my bouquet. this package was all buttons. cheap plastic buttons but shiny and better than green foam. I have one more package of quality pins and brooches coming hopefully this week and I might be able to either cover the plastic or eliminate it completely. I definitely like the texture better with the additions, there seems to be more fullness.

Matt asked me how many i was making. I think he doesn't realize it's a bouquet and not a centerpiece or maybe he's just a boy and he's blocking it all out. hard call.

brooch bouquet update

2011-09-02T08:12:00.000-04:00

Here is a terrible picture of how far I've gotten. I have a lot of work to do on it and I think I probably should've painted the foam first. I ordered two lots of gold and pearl flotsam to fill in the gaps which are kind of huge. I hadn't really intended to do it this large but it's completely impossible without the foam. unless of course you have skills. I don't have skills so I bought some foam and some floral tape and wire and stem wire and probably I should buy some glue. and paint. and maybe real flowers. let me know what you think?

"I don't know if i should give bullets to a woman with a pimple"

2011-09-01T08:42:00.000-04:00

it is thursday. I am in the middle of my vacation and I have accomplished almost nothing on my list. Is that a good sign for a vacation or a bad one? We've been reading a lot and making brownies and then eating them so it's all good. Yesterday I started looking for some post cards I might want to use for my wedding some way and I opened every box I own. I didn't find them, I found three bags of things to give away to goodwill and cleaned out a lot of space for beets. 31 quarts of beets, 12 pints of pickles, 28 quarts of beans. It will come as a surprise to no one that i see green beans and beets when i close my eyes.

I did find those postcards. They were exactly two feet from me in a box that i thought i checked already. I guess it was so cathartic to donate all that other stuff that I'm just relieved to find the cards. Now I have to figure out how to use them. I have two hundred or so 1970's vintage postcards of acadia. I was thinking of glueing baby envelopes with notes in them martha stewart style or maybe having a stamp made I just have to decide if they're response cards or announcements or save the dates or what.

That's one of the things I have to decide on soon. one of the many things. I'm supposed to be working on my brooch bouquet this week and i have been actually. I have a feeling this is going to be one of those projects where I go through a whole lot of supplies and eventually i'll figure out the right way to do it. I'm still full of enthusiasm and in one of my boxes I found a cameo brooch that was my mothers so I'm trying to work that in without damaging it. wish me luck on that one.

brooch bouquets

2011-08-26T05:47:00.000-04:00

Here are a few samples. Mine will probably not be that big unless i break the budget and buy a lot more pins. I love the colorful ones but at the moment I'm attracted to only gold and pearls so probably the last on the right will look most like my finished product...at least in theory.

I have to pick up some floral wire and get blooming!

"Just because this is never going to work, there's no need to be negative."

2011-08-25T06:42:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I got out of work a bit early and instead of rushing home to my doggies I took twenty minutes for myself at the antique store and bought vintage brooches and earrings to make my bouquet. the tutorial says you need 60 pieces but I'm going to see how 20 works because I'm cheap. If I can't do it under budget I'll sell all the pieces and get the adorable paper flowers on etsy. I'm also thinking of doing pretty ribbon and cheaper pearl pins to fill in the difference but i guess we'll have to wait and see how that works.

I have a vacation coming up next week and as Rebecca reminded me I have 1000 projects to work on. This bridal bouquet is not the most important but I also don't want to leave it till the last minute. I'm putting a lot of time on what i'll be wearing and not much else. I still need to find a photographer and someone to you know actually marry us, but obviously the homemade brooch bouquet is more important.

"You really need that much butter?" Screw you, frying pan."

2011-08-18T07:26:00.000-04:00

this morning we picked blackberries. I hope we beat the bears to the rest of them but for this morning we have enough to make muffins. it's been a lot of work keeping up with the garden this year. we have so many sugar snap peas to cook that i'm seriously losing my enthusiasm for them but there are still more! More! More! I'm going to be canning tomatoes for my whole vacation because they are all going to ripen at exactly the same time and there are at least a hundred. i know, poor me, but my vacation is shaping up to be a house wife extravaganza and not all that relaxing.