Fatty Fat Fat

Dear Scale, I Quit You

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Sun, 17 Feb 2013 23:47:00 +0000

I have forever had a hate / hate relationship with my scale. It never ever gives me the number I want to see and recently every time I step on the scale it frustrates me beyond belief and I think causes a mental roadblock that I can not afford. Many days I want to literally throw that bitch out the window and smash it into pieces. She clearly is not reflecting all of the hard work I'm putting in.

So, low and behold I was watching a day time talk show (yup this new business venture allows me to have the TV on in the background all day , and nope I don't feel guilty about that ever - ok maybe a little) and the good ole Jennifer Love Hewitt was on talking about her relationship with the scale and how she no longer weighs herself as the scale would frustrate her too much - she now relies on how she feels health wise and how she feels in her clothes. I have never been a big fan of J-love but I felt like she was really on to something. So for the next few weeks I'm going to quit the sale and see how far I get.

I already feel more "free" from the scale - like i don't have to "report" to it or rely on it. I have already felt healthier and my clothes are fitting slightly better. And by slightly better, I mean I don't have to wrangle my self AS much into my pants and I don't feel like they are going to split at any moment. I'm still rocking a hot muffin top but I'll take what I can get and hopefully the muffin top will become a mini muffin top soon.

Fat, Fat Go Away - Don't Come Again Another Day

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:45:00 +0000

Well here it is, the much awaited fat loss progress blog. Unfortunately though, I'm so frustrated I can't find my funny on this front. Over the past few years while taking care of my dad, I was trying to put weight on him and only succeeded in putting weight on myself - and it just kept piling on and piling on and piling on till I stepped on the scale in December and couldn't believe the number that was so boldly staring back at me. I mean clearly, I knew something was going awry when my pants didn't fit - but instead of cutting back I just continued on eating and bought a bigger size - WAY easier...well for the moment.

Putting this weight on was WAAAAAYYY easier than it is taking it off. I have been working super crazy hard since the beginning of the year at this weight loss nonsense and the weight doesn't want to go anywhere. My trainer is faced with the enormous task of dealing with all this - he has to put up with more whining, crying, frustration, complaining and attitude and endless texts about random weight loss crap than anyone should ever have to put up with from me. The dramatics are something else, lets just say the urge to throw up is real and often and the ridiculousness of some of the "exercises" are beyond what I think I can do which in turn produces a lot of eye rolling and cursing, but luckily he still sticks by my side (why I'm still not sure). However, today was not my most awesomest of days - I think I'm sad from not being able to eat anything good (i mean a girl could use some french fries and chocolate and cheeseburgers and baked ziti....ok i digress).

Both he and my mom say they can see a difference, but I can't FEEL it and I certainly can't see it on my body or on the scale. I've been sticking to Weight Watchers like a dynamo and haven't even been using any of my "reserve" points and truly and honestly haven't cheated at all - i mean HOW BORING.

At this point I feel torn between whats the point of ALLLL this hard work without getting anywhere and Well I may as well keep at this shit because I've already made it this far. We'll see how the next week goes.

PS: If you are ever in the market for a trainer you should go see Jim at Elite Body Fitness - he's pretty awesome and won't judge you for being fat....and lets be honest there are very few of you out there as fat as me.

Aaaand we're back!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 16:06:00 +0000

As many of you know, my dad passed away in November and since then I have struggled immensely to find my way again and have struggled with moving on with my own life. What I had gone through with my dad is hard to put into words, so I'm not even going to attempt it - but what I will say is that to loose my dad in the way we did and to see him suffer in the way he did was not only heartbreaking and devastating and life changing. Some days the devastation is too much to handle that its difficult to get up and put one foot in front of the other. However, thankfully i have some amazingly great family and friends and my super spunky (yup thats a good way to put it, right mom:) ) - no nonsense mother who will help force me to continue to live life (as I know essentially that is what my dad would want me to do).

Soooo every day I have to practice "life moves on", and that is exactly what I am doing...slowly but surely. I am truly a different person and like to think in the end I will be a BETTER person. I have started my own production company (and couldn't more happier about that), have started to live a healthier lifestyle (although the weight doesn't want to go anywhere - more on that later), and due to the huge generosity of my cousins i don't have to worry about a roof over my head so I am enjoying what i like to call a "leisurely lifestyle"(which consists of a lot of leisurely activities). I have a new "the world is my oyster" outlook on life and am exploring lots of different things like - do I want to write a book? (um yes, i think i might) and do I actually like to craft on a regular? (i think so!) and am enjoying trying to give back to others.

Whoa I just looked back and saw I used a lot of quotations and parenthesis - you're welcome! Anyhow, I hope to keep up with the blog a little better these days and will post at least once a day....here we go again!

I fell off the wagon....and it ran me over

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Tue, 11 Sep 2012 14:02:00 +0000

Whew yesterday was a tough and challenging day to say the least and I truly feel like I've been run over by a truck. I've been trying to think of a funny spin on it all but shit, I can't think of one! My day started at 4:45 am with a crazy thunderstorm and Zoey going crazy and the poor thing was so scared I had to hold her tight just to get her to calm down. By the time she calmed down and fell asleep it was time for me to wake up and head to the trainer. oy. And let me tell you, the session deserves one big fat OY! On one hand, I know that what he is doing for me is for the best and I will one day thank him, on the other hand I felt like I wanted to die when I left. I also made the mistake of telling him I was blogging about my adventures with him and his crazy ass quotes - which totally backfired. When I would tell him about my feet hurting or maybe cursing at him for making me feel like I was going to throw up, he would say things to me all morning like "Learn to work through the pain and then push harder...now put that in your blog MISSY". (which btw he agrees I need new sneakers too) UGH. All I kept thinking was F - You!

Anyhow, my dad is sicker than the norm right now. Actually the worst he has been in long time. I think its from a medication issue but he is extremely disoriented, confused and sleeps for a good portion of the day. Around noon I tried calling him to check on him and the house phone was busy (um what? we have call waiting) and he wasn't answering his cell. Ensue major panic attack while trying to appear "cool" at my new job. My brother and I tried him for about 2 hours while we tried to get ahold of a friend or neighbor who could go check on him. Long story short he was fine he just couldn't figure out how to hang up the phone properly so hence the busy signal. The stress of that almost put me over the edge for the day. I then manage to get home and have to run to CVS to get some of his medications - and wound up waiting there for over an hour. At this point on on the verge. I get home and basically start my day with my dad caring for him, cooking, medications, trying to figure out whats going on with him etc. Any hired help I send to help him he sends away, so that is zero help. Besides myself, the only people he will really listen to is my mom (and if you know me you know how crazy that is) and without her I honestly don't know what I would do, and a small handful of family friends.

My dad is not the man he used to be - he is not the man I grew up with - he seems long gone these days and I miss the "old" him more than anything in the world. It breaks my heart. every. single. day.

I share this not for you to feel badly, but to only so I can share my reasoning for why I stumbled off the diet bandwagon. I mean I know at the end of the day its all excuses, but shit nothing felt better than what proceeded to happen next. I found myself staring in the freezer, taking out the vanilla ice cream (which is only there for my dad), stirring in some peanut butter, chocolate sauce and cookie crumbles - I mean you'd think I was working at freiking Cold Stone the way I was whipping up that concoction like a pro! Oh crap - this definitely is not on the diet menu but whooooweeee it tasted good. I thought to myself ok you slipped up, it happens move on and tomorrow is a new day.

Well, I woke up this morning completely exhausted and barely got myself to work. I found myself pulling over at starbucks, getting a much needed coffee (not too bad) and 3 vanilla bean scones and before I could even realize it they were GONE! OOOPS! I have resolved to "make up for it" today by staying on track and getting that will power back in track - we'll see how that goes.

My Dogs Are Barkin'!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Sat, 08 Sep 2012 22:52:00 +0000

I have been doing my best to meet the cardio requirements the trainer imposed on my for the weekend. As menioned in my previous post, I could seriously not walk the day after training so I gave myself a much needed break. However, since then I did make it to the gym and have been doing the eliptical, but my biggest problem is my feet.

After about the first 5 minutes, my feet start KILLING me, they then get numb and pins and needles in them. I have tried everything from loosening my laces, adding insoles, and getting a variety of different shoes to wear and nothing helps. I could probably last longer on the eliptical if my feet didn't hurt so badly. I've asked the doctor about it and basically she said I was just fat and my feet are "taxed out" by my weight - yup thats right "taxed out". Thanks doctor, glad I pay you a bazillion dollars for that advice. The thing is, my feet only hurt when I do cardio exercise -- Any suggestions out there? I'm open to trying anything.

In other news, through Pinterest I found a new website called 'Dashing Dish' (http://dashingdish.com/). The woman who started the site is lcated in Michigan and offeres a whole slew of services including workout plan, but the most impressive to me are her recipes. She has spent a ton of time figuring out substitutions for all kinds of recipes including a "Cake Batter Protien Shake" - she even lists the WW points for each recipe. All she asks for in a monthly donation (and you can put $0, but i feel like its nice to do a little something even if its $1 / month)

6:00am and I are NOT friends

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Thu, 06 Sep 2012 13:41:00 +0000

Alternate title for this post was "Walking is Over Rated Anyway"...

Since my last post I've had two more training sessions. The first was on Monday (yup that's right I worked out on a holiday - Labor Day none the less!) and although the workout was tough I survived it and wasn't too terribly sore afterwards. The next day I thought to myself Ok I can do this, its not so bad... Well my friends, that lasted until yesterday morning.

I typically have zero time to sit and relax, unwind or any of the above as my days start early taking care of things for myself, then work like crazy all day, come home and have to figure out cooking a meal and taking care of my dad and his needs all night and then finally I crash. So, no matter what time I wake up it's always brutal, however the 5:45 am wake up call feels absolutely torturous. Why do I start waking up that early when I actually don't have to be to the trainer until 6:30am - well its because I need ample "snooze" time of course.

So I drag my fat ass out of bed, try to find something stretchy and clean to wear and wearily head out the door to the trainer. I arrive and he was in a super "Biggest Loser" torture mode, I mean I serioulsy felt like I was going to die. At one point I told him I thought I was going to throw up, and he says to me "Oh that's totally fine, people throw up all the time and I have a trash bin near by just in case....BUT to warn you I'm a sympathetic puker so if you throw up I will too". Ummmm WHAT?! I'M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO THROW UP HERE! Of course we are talking hypothetical anyway as he was wise to my "throw up" bluff just to get a break. Clearly there will be no breaks in these training sessions.

When I left the session yesterday am, I felt depleted but ok fine, I'll admit I felt sort of good. I mean lets be honest, I feel way better when I sing at the top of my lungs in my car but it doesn't seem like that is burning enough calories. As the day wore on at work my legs started to feel a bit achey and I knew I was going to be in a world of hurt today. And BAM you guessed it! This girl could seriously barely get out of bed and can hardly walk. Its also not that convenient in a job where I have to walk upstairs to get to my office - I try to look as normal as possible at work, but shit, its almost next to impossible when you can barely make it up the stairs.

I finally have a little bit of a break from the craziness as I don't go back to train until Monday. I was hoping I'd get to rest but apparently I'm supposed to do cardio the rest of the week - not sure how that is going to happen as I can barely walk.

Holy Bleeping BLEEEEP!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 00:24:00 +0000

Well, even though the work out with the trainer wasn't as crazy as a "Biggest Loser" Jillian sesson, it was still rough. However, the pain didn't really set in until yesterday when I could barely walk and sitting and standing were well, hell - and let me tell you it wasn't too convenient when going to the bathroom. TMI, yes but its the truth! However, when I went out to eat dinner with some friends and I could barely breathe because my jeans were so tight, I decided the pain MIGHT (might being hte key word) be worth it.

I sent the trainer a text telling him how badly my legs hurt and there was no way I'd be able to make the cardio requirements for the weekend. He wrote back and said "you'll live! Get out there and walk for 20 dam minutes - its not a marathon for Pete's sake." Looks like I will be getting ZERO sympathy from the trainer -- which I guess that's why I'm paying him, right? RIGHT?!

I have made the cardio requirements he gave me but haven't made all the necissary dietary requirements. I mean first of all its a holiday weekend and I think it should be illegal to diet on a holiday weekend and second of all, Rome was built in a day.

Even though tomorrow is a holiday, but its also a Monday. The trainer is working tomorrow, which means he feels its a great opportunity for me to work out. Ugh. The good news is I don't have to work out at 6:00 am, The bad news is, I have to work out.

And so it begins...again

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 13:55:00 +0000

Well, this is my umpteenth attempt at trying to both blog and lose weight but here's hoping I'll be able to keep up with both. But first before I start here's a quick update: Life continues to be quite difficult with taking care of my father whose health continues to decline, I have had to change jobs again and will probably have to relocate again. I'm hoping (REALLY hoping) that things will settle down for a WHILE and I'll finally be able to take care of myself in the way I need to.

During the stresses of life I have eaten my way through every late night, every hard doctors appointment, every difficult day at work, every tear and every celebration. And now I find myself in a position where I am at a weight I thought i would NEVER be at. I mean I cold be a contestant on "The Biggest Loser" and could literally qualify for lap band surgery. For reals. I kid you not.

During my time off between jobs I have made a huge effort to try to make myself a priority. I have been feeling as though if I don't take care of myself I might literally implode, and then well, I won't be helpful to anyone - especially myself Is weight and appearance everything? Absolutely not. However, I am not happy with myself and I am the only one who counts and I need to get happy with myself again. I have visited the dermatologist, have had my hair done numerous times, cashed in gift cards for facials, did a week of tea detox (that doesnt involve starvation), and have even been to the dentist several times. The last and hardest thing to tackle is my weight. I have tried everything but nothing seems to work. I even had my doctor check me for a bad thyroid or other issue in hopes it just wasn't sheer motivation or will power holding me back - turns out it is. I spent a lot of time thinking about how to tackle this monumental (literally) problem and have turned back to what has worked for me in the past.

First I tried hot yoga because everyone keeps saying to try yoga for its mental healing powers. So I felt like I'd kick it up a notch and try hot yoga....Yeah I feel like I'm lucky to be here writing this post as I'm pretty sure it almost killed me. I had done hot yoga in the past, but I guess I wasn't as heavy and when placed in that much heat with this much ummm, body insulation (aka fat) its not a good combination.

I reached out to the personal trainer I used in college. He has helped me so much in the past (WAY past, like 12 years ago) and I feel like, if I make an appointment with someone I will be held accountable. In addition, i won't want to just waste the money (luckily he cut me a phenomenal deal as he knows my health is the biggest priority at the moment). So I made my first appointment for .... 6:30 am this morning. Ugh that shit is early... Let the humiliation ensue.

When I arrived, said trainer announced I was going to be measured and weighed. ugh are you freiking kidding me?! I said I didn't want to do it but unfortunately what I wanted in this scenario wasn't going to be heard - after all what I wanted hasn't been working. As I stepped on the scale I tried not to look at the number, but he made me look anyway. I wanted to cry but held it in...for that moment. He then started to measure my entire body and I wound up closing my eyes and could no longer hold it in and wound up crying as he made his way around what felt like my enormous body. He finally got the measurement he needed and the torture was over.

He took it easy on me and we did what he considered to be a moderate work out (i considered it a hard work out). I survived though and am ready for my next appointment. I am trying to remain positive about the experience and remind myself of what I am capable of and have even changed my iPhone lock screen photo to a skinny picture of me. Many may view this as narcissistic, which is fine, just as long as you don't make fun of me for it (ok well at least not to my face).

You've got to be kidding me!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 15:51:00 +0000

So I met this guy who asked for my phone number. I met him while he was working and based on what he was doing, and just him in general, i wasn't feeling it but i figured I'm not really in a position to be turning any one down, so I gave him my number and then didn't think anything about it. He then called not once, not twice but three times. So after my friend convinced me to go on the date by basically saying "obviously this guy likes you",  I need to open myself up, take a chance, blah blah blah - i decided to go on the date. (im not mentioning names, but you know who you are - she was right though.) I thought ok, if I'm going to do this I'll give it my all. I spent forever getting my hair just right, putting makeup just right, and finding a great outfit with some nice jewelry. Ok here we go....deep breath!

So, said guy tells me to meet him at Houstons for dinner. I thought ok - he doesn't have the best job but at least he has good taste and good taste in food. While I was on my way there he calls and says Houstons has an hour and a half wait and says he doesnt know what to do. So I say ok, I'm running a few minutes late so meet me at the Grand Lux instead (I mean really I had to come up with this plan?). I arrive at the Grand Lux and ummm, he isn't really what I remember - he has tattoos up his arms and is wearing a short sleeved dress shirt and one of those shell necklace things. Ok fine, I remind myself that a shell necklace nor tattoos define a person so I try to keep my mind open. So when I arrive, he says he put his name in but there is a 2 hour wait. He then points to the buzzer thing you usually get at restaurants when there is a long wait and says they gave me one of these - what does it do? And i just laughed thinking he was making a joke. He goes no, I'm serious what does this do. I said um, it lights up and buzzes when your reservation is ready (HELLO, red flag! Who doesn't know what those things are for and how they work?) So he says - i see a diner across the street lets just go there. I agreed because at that point I didn't really have the best feeling about this date and I just wanted to move things along. I said ok great I'll meet you over there in a few minutes. He says, oh I don't have a car I had to take a taxi here. Inside I was thinking "WHAT?!?! you are 36, live in a car driving community (no public transportation) and don't have a car??". On the outside I just said Ok I guess I can drive and thought "alright it can't get any worse than this....just regroup and go".  So we get in my car and drive to the diner.

When we arrived at the diner I looked like a total idiot because I was dressed up and everyone else was super casual. awesome. And if that wasn't enough, they put us at a table in the middle of the restaurant and I felt like everyone was staring at our super awkward date. even better. Ok we sat down and I thought to myself "ok you are here, you just need to make the best of this situation."  We sit down and he starts talking, and boy was he talking a lot. He starts telling me about he killed his brother in a motorcycle accident, it tore his whole family apart, and after that he doesn't know how but, somehow wound up becoming a cocaine addict. In my head I'm thinking WAIT...I'm sure I heard that wrong. He goes on telling me about how he did coke in NJ, in FL, and while he was in an opening band for some big rock stars. I though you've got to be freiking kidding me! I mean like have I not gone through enough lately I wound up on a date with a coke addict?! . He tried to convince me that he really wasn't that type of guy, he is no longer struggling with his addiction (that according to my math, spanned 20 + years) and has been clean for a "while". I pretended like I understood because I don't want to be a total bitch, and clearly I will never be seeing this guy again, so I just tried to smile and along with it all. (but those of you who know me, know that I've dealt with my share of addicts through work and this is something that I know I don't want to deal with) He then proceeds to tell me he lives in a studio Salvation Army sober living home and has a curfew. I mean REALLY?! I felt like I have waited forever for a guy to ask for my number and out on a date and THIS is the guy who I get?

He then proceeds to tell me that he can tell by the car I drive and the jewelry I'm wearing I have money, but he wants to reassure me he isn't after my money. I just said ok, good because looks can be deceiving and I don't have any. OY. He then proceeded to talk a lot about himself and how he loves heavy metal music and used to play in rock bands but now plays in Christian rock bands on the side. He then asked me why I'm not married yet and why some guy hasn't nabbed me up - and i wanted to say because I wind up on dates with guys like you, but instead I just said "the right guy hasn't come along'. ugh I hate that freiking question! So after the check sat there for a while I said, I'm sorry but I really have to get back to my dad. He said oh ok we'll pay and then I tried to gracefully exit as quickly as possible.

I got in the car and started to drive, thankful that the license plates are still registered to a FL address. I called my friend mentioned above and Jayne to give them the lowdown and to let them know I am safe. Not 10 minutes into my drive the guy calls and says "hey would you consider going on a second date with me". I felt bad but had to just say that right now I'm not too sure things in my life are very hectic (which is true) and I am not sure I have the time.

Look, I'm sure he was a really nice guy (just not my kind of guy) and clearly he liked me - which is very very flattering. But why can't the nice and normal guys who I like, like me?! WHYYYY?!   If you know where prince charming is please, please send him my way. There will be a nice prize in it for you .... the prize being me not bitching about these crazy dates! I know they make for fun blogs but I'm sure I can come up with something even more fun when I'm in a relationship.

Big fat update...

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 14:05:00 +0000

Well since I've last blogged life has changed a lot. In December my dad was very very sick and along with my brother we came to the agreement that I could no longer take care of my dad alone any more without family help. In addition, both my father and I not working for over six months and the enormous and never ending medical bills has taken a huge financial toll on family. So, we decided to move my dad up here to New York so I could go back to work and we could be near my brother for help. Getting my dad up here, moving and finding a place to live was hardly easy - but we made it!

My dad wasn't happy to move here to NY and is certainly not happy with the weather, so I'm not sure how long he is going to tolerate living in NY - but at least for now he is giving it a try. As far as his health goes, he is doing fair. We've been told the cancer is a little better but I can really tell my dad isn't well and there is something wrong. I've had trouble with his health insurance so we haven't been to any doctors lately - i just got it sorted out so I have him going back to the doctor this week.

I'm working part-time (ish). I'm in the office 3 days a week and work from home 2 days a week. Its ALOT to be handling and dealing with pretty much alone. I'm up at 5:30 am taking care of everything for dad in the morning - rush to work and then rush home and take care of everything at home at night. My days off are actually harder - trying to balance all the mountains of paperwork and scheduling of dr's appointments, going to dr's appointments and doing work from home. I pretty much feel like I'm racing against a clock each and every day, so unfortunately as much as I love blogging I haven't found time for it. I most certianaly didn't envision myself doing this at this point in my life but hopefully one time we'll get into the swing of a regular schedule and things will start to feel somewhat normal again...Hopefully.

New Year, Not So New Me

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 02:34:00 +0000

I went to CVS today to pick up a few things for my dad and was appalled to see that they had the Easter candy out and ready for sale. You think that would stop me from buying the actual candy, but it didn't. I thought to myself ooooooo Cadbury Mini Eggs - those are SO hard to find once they come out...I better pick up just a bag. I then mosied on over to the apparently healthy section and picked up Enure that was clearly labeled SPECIALLY FORMULATED FOR WEIGHT GAIN. Perfect! My dad really needs to gain some of the 70+ lbs he lost back. I then picked up some defrizzing shampoo and hair conditioner and headed to the register.

I didn't think anything of my purchases until I put them on the counter and the guy cashier looked at me like i was CRAZY. I then realized I put up 2 bags of Cadbury Mini eggs and a 6 pack of weight gain Ensure. I could tell he was thinking shit this girl doesn't need to gain ANY more weight.....and oh thats cute she has frizzy hair to boot....seems like a real catch! I just smiled back, paid as quickly as possible, got in the car and started to enjoy the Cadbury eggs.

I'm sure most people are resolving to be healthier this time of year, but I guess I didn't get there yet. Maybe tomorrow.

It's my (birthday) Party and I'll cry if I want to!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 02:15:00 +0000

This years holiday season was quite difficult to say the least. We've been told that my dad's cancer is getting better, but his general health continues to be not so great and caring for him on a daily basis has become increasingly more difficult. While we were on the other coast visiting Moffitt Cancer Center my dad started to go into congestive heart failure and after two visits to the ER in one night, he wound up in the hospital for several days. My dads spirits have continued to decline as well and the man who I am caring for barely resembles that man who was my father - I really miss the way my dad used to be.

I was barely keeping up with his physical and emotional needs when my brother and joe finally came to relieve me for a few days. I wish he could have stayed longer but I'll take what I could get. Even though we were in no rush to get back, my dad was extremely anxious to get back to the East Coast before Christmas. It was disappointing as we have no family over here and wound up spending the day alone. My dad was quite ill yesterday and I spent the day trying to convince him that he needed to go to the Emergency Room. He refused to go so we just spent the day here as i sat and prayed everything would be ok. Thankfully things were alright, but it was a really sad and hard day for a lot of different reasons.

I finally was able to steal a few minutes to myself and was going to meet with a friend who was in town for the day. I called my friend to tell him I was on my way to meet him and due to my last minute notice he had to cancel. That really was the last straw. I sat in my car and just cried. I thought, ugh i shouldn't cry - I'm sure a lot more people are having a suckier Christmas / Birthday. And then i thought .... um no...its my birthday and I CAN cry if i want to!

Pure Barre

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 22:56:00 +0000

I have spent the past 4 months just focusing on my dad and getting him through every day - but I am starting to wear thin (figuratively DEFINITELY NOT literally) and decided to take some time for myself. To say I am an emotional eater would be the understatement of the year. Over the past few months I have found myself just eating and eating - i guess to help myself feel better through this whole mess. Unfortunately, all that eating has caught up with me. My dad has lost 30lbs and when we tell people this I joke and say - I gained every pound he lost and people just look at me and smile. Ummmm ok I guess I will stop saying that joke!!

Within walking distance of my dads condo there is a Pure Barre studio. My cousin Jayne enjoys the Barre classes and I have a few friends back in NYC who really get a lot out of them, so when I'd take Zoey out in the morning for her walks I would walk past the studio and look in and every time I would watch I would think "ok well it doesnt look that hard". So finally with some encouragement from my cousin, I decided I'd give it a try. When I went in and registered I said, look I am obviously out of shape do you think I can get through this class? The owner at the desk happily took my $27 and said "oh yes OF COURSE the instructor will show you modified moves for the beginner level". Ok fine. So I felt confident, put all my stuff down and got set up with all the shit you need for the class (weights, rubber bands, mats, etc.), and looked up and at myself in the mirror....suddenly I realized that when I had been looking in on the classes, I had failed to notice that there were no fat women in the classes at all. Oh shit! These women are not only skinny but in crazy good shape. But I couldn't leave I'd look like an idiot. I figured - I'll get through one class and then see how i do.

Miss skinny minnie, sculpted arms and too cheery for any day instructor came skipping in with her headset microphone and got started right away. No fun warm ups or anything. Ok great. All the women around me knew exactly what to do and I could barely keep up. There were no rests at all and even though this bullshit class in "low impact" I couldn't even catch my breath. I felt like I looked like those poor people on the Biggest Loser when they first start out. I tried to keep up but at one point my arms were burning so bad and the stupid instructor wouldn't stop yelling out commands - and oh guess what?! This bitch didn't do any modified beginner moves! I kept watching the clock and saying to myself I can do this...I can do this...I can do this. 15 minutes into the class I thought there is no way I can do this - how the hell do i get out of here?! ...... I look like way more of a fool staying in the class than leaving. So after 20 minutes I QUICKLY gathered all my stuff and bolted out of there. oy! I had to sit on a bench for 30 minutes after the class just to get enough strength to walk to 2 darn blocks home!!

I thought clearly this Barre is not for me and headed to the French Bakery for a nice desert! I mean I earned it right?!

Where have you gone Fatty Fat?!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 22:41:00 +0000

I know I've been gone for quite some time from the blog, but unfortunately this has been quite a difficult year. To make a very long story short, after a very scary few week we found out that my father was diagnosed with a somewhat rare form of cancer this past August, called Multiple Myeloma. He lived alone and we had no family in the area, so I quit my job that I loved so very much and relocated to Florida to help him out. Since my arrival in August things have been quite difficult...to say the least. First, my dad lives in a one bedroom condo and unfortunately he hasn't had the strength and I haven't had the time or money to upgrade us - so I've been sleeping on a couch for over 4 months. Let me tell you this girl is still a fatty fat fat so fitting on the couch can at times be challenging. My dad hasn't tolerated treatment well and has wound up in the hospital a few times since his diagnosis. A few weeks ago they had to stop the chemo as it was causing major damage to his nervous system. However, the chemo did work a bit and he is now eligible for a bone marrow transplant.

We travelled over to the West Coast of Florida to visit Moffitt cancer center. On Tuesday we spent about 4 hours with the doctors there who were brutally honest regarding the transplant and my fathers survival. Let me tell you sitting in that meeting listening to the doctors tell us how long my dad would live, was one of the worst things I've ever had to do in my life. They also went into ridiculous detail about how horrific the transplant would be (i will spare you the details), but it would eventually give him the best quality of life in the long run. Ultimately the decision to do the transplant is up to him, and he doesnt think he wants to do it or endure it - which is obviously devastating, but I am hopeful that once it comes down to it he will choose the best option for him.

My dad hasn't taken this well mentally at all and does not have much of a fight in him, so I am the one doing most of the fighting for now. Caring for him with no help from family or other caregivers is incredibly difficult and very lonely and scary at times. I feel like I am so worried about everything (his health, the bills, taking care of the house, doctors appointments, etc) all day every day. I am happy to be here with my father and wouldn't want to be anywhere else but with him at this time, but boy do I miss my 'old' life!!

The Monk, The Giant and The Jew

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 17:59:00 +0000

The Buddhist Monk, The Giant and The Jew are all reasons why I don't have a boyfriend. I am pretty sure I have the worst luck when it comes to men. On Tuesday when we boarded our flight to LA i saw a ton of good looking business men and several without wedding rings. Please, please, please let me be sitting next to one of these guys. PLLLEEASE. I thought the odds were with me and for sure, and if i got lucky enough to sit next to one of these guys he'd have 6 whole hours to ask me about how awesome I am and then well, ask me to marry him.

I however, did not have such luck. I sat down in my seat and was lucky enough to sit next to a Buddhist Monk dressed in bright orange garb and didn't speak english. Across the aisle there was a giant. Literally a giant - almost 7 foot tall, had quite a few pounds on him and must have been 60. On the other side (yes it was a huge plane) there was a young guy, but as luck would have it was an Orthodox Jew) who also did not speak English. Awesome.

The MARRIED person I was with however, attracts men to her like bees to honey. Everywhere we go men flock to her. They can clearly see she is married but the men don't seem to care. I seriously don't get it.

Here's hoping to better luck next time!

Fatty in the City

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 22:39:00 +0000

New York City is probably one of the hardest places to live and be fat (closely followed by Miami and LA). Apparently every store on this small, small island believe every woman is a size 10 or smaller. Please take note retailers - fat people need clothes too!

I am going to LA this week for several business appointments and to an awards ceremony. I need a few work outfits and a fancy dress for these awards. Every store I went into in order to buy a fancy dress literally had nothing above a size 10. In Bloomingdales the sales associate was nice enough to tell me that "we don't sell anything in YOUR size - you might want to try a store with a plus sized department". Umm ok thanks bitch. Problem is I am technically not plus sized so all of the plus sized clothes are too big (thank you jesus). There are no stores with plus size departments so basically I was shit out of luck. So I decided to just give up and wear a dress I already have (no fun!).

I then gathered what self esteem I had left and went into Banana Republic to purchase some work / professional looking clothing. I found a few things but there was a skirt and a pair of pants I couldn't find in my size. I asked the sales associate for help and she looks at me and goes "ummm, well this is the biggest size we make and we typically order VERY few in that size, but I'll check anyway". What?! Biggest size?! Last time I checked they carried several sizes larger than mine (and after I went home and checked online they apparently do, but just not in any manhattan stores). She then proceeds to pick up her walkie and yell into it - "Do we have a size XX in the gray pants and black skirt". NO! I said a size XX". I then proceed to walk away from the sales girl and tell her I'll be looking at the clothes over in the corner (hoping to get far away from her). About 5 minutes later she returns and is yelling at the top of her lungs, yes YELLING - "SIZE XX! WHERE ARE YOU SIZE XX?! XX, HEY XX WE DON'T HAVE ANY MORE OF YOUR SIZE - OH THERE YOU ARE SIZE XX WE DON'T HAVE ANY MORE OF THAT STUFF IN YOUR SIZE!" No I'm not kidding. I then went to try on a few other things so i could hide from everyone staring at me. As i stood in the dressing room I was lucky enough to hear a girl talking to the same sales associate asking if she could have a size 0 because the size 2 she had on just seemed to be a "little too big". At that very moment, mortified, I grabbed the only 2 items that fit, paid for them and ran as far away from the store.

I have the money to spend, I want to look good, but apparently since I am overweight I don't deserve to look good (according to the fashion buyers in NYC). Looks like I'll just have to do my best by overcompensating with cool shoes and rockin' jewelry!

Is it wrong...

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 18:17:00 +0000

that a 100 calorie bag of cheetos just made my day?! Because it did!

That's all.

Fit Club

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 00:50:00 +0000

Sorry for the delay in writing blogs - i haven't been so well (stuff that I won't bore you with on here) and have not been losing ANY weight. It is so unbelievably frustrating - but I keep trying and am hoping all the health issues go away soon so I can focus on just losing weight!

So anyway, there is this VH1 show "Celebrity Fit Club" which I'm sure many of you are familiar with. I watched it for the first time this weekend and couldn't believe it - they have this woman on there Nicole Eggert and she weighs in at 130 lbs. Um are they kidding?! 130 lbs and she is considered FAT and needs to be on Celebrity Fit Club?! I would give ANYTHING, seriously ANYTHING to weigh 130 lbs and they have this stupid woman on there pretending she is fat at 130 lbs?? What is this saying to people? That 130 lbs is fat? I don't care how badly you need to cast your reality show - saying that someone is fat at 130 lbs is just ridiculous!

Slip Slidin' Away

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 03:45:00 +0000

After waking up to a disappointing amount of snow (well actually no snow) I decided I no loner have an excuse to not go to the gym. So after my frigid walk with Zoey in the park I went to the gym and slowly made it my way into the locker room. I started to take my puffer off but, um, wait a minute something seems to have gone awry! The zipper is stuck. Oh come on now what do i do? Apparently fabric got caught in the zipper but it wasn't even halfway down when it got stuck. I must have sat there like a fool for what seemed to be like 10 minutes and I couldn't get the thing unstuck. I could just turn around and go home but I'll be damed if I walked myself all the way down to the gym just to turn around again. I finally went into the bathroom stall and managed to wrangle my coat off - let me tell you that was a workout in itself.

I made it on to the eliptical and started my work out, but now what's wrong? My feet are sliding around on the pedal things and they seem to be wet. ugh, got off the machine wiped it down and the bottom of my shoes and kept going again. Not 5 minutes later I was in the same predicament. What the hell?!?! I repeated the foot wipe down and went back at it and again 5 minutes later was in the same spot but just kept on going as I figure I would be there all dam day if I kept stopping. I then realized that the salt from the sidewalks (everyone presalted the sidewalks in preparation for the major snowstorm that we never got) was in the grooves of my sneakers and was melting as I worked out. I looked like a dam fool while slipping on both the eliptical and the bike, but I just kept going because well again, I made it there so I figured I should keep working out.

I did also have the pleasure to bike next to the most amazing biker ever at the gym! He was apparently listening to some kind of crazy drum/ classical type music and felt the need to 'conduct' the music while biking. Boy was he enjoying his workout! I tried to get a video of him, but I wound up just looking creepy so I stopped. I also elippticalled next to two other crazy skinnies - not as crazy as the original, lets be honest they are hard to compete with - but these two were interesting. They seemed to be doing a leisure work out and they were drinking coffee, yes coffee while doing cardio!

Bob and my Wii

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 22:23:00 +0000

Last night I was supposed to go to the gym but I left work too late and had to get home to walk princess Zoey. She got her little walk and I was so tempted to just plop on down on the couch and watch my favorite Thursday night shows, but I thought to myself YOU ONLY HAVE 5 MORE WEEKS TO FIT INTO A BATHING SUIT - GET MOVING!!! So I whipped out my wii and thought I would give the Biggest Loser game a try. I didn't really think i would get a full "workout" but thought well at least I gave it a half ass shot and tried to work out tonight.

I moved all my furniture around and pushed the coffee table all the way to the side - Zoey thought it was play time. I chose Bob as my trainer so after a minorly motivating speech he started our 'circuit' program. Let me just say when Bob gave his speech it was in regular video form - but when it was time to work out he turned into animated Bob and he was not nearly as sexy or motivating! (yes I know he is gay but I still love him - I can't help myself). Ok here we go crazy blob animated Bob - we start the circuit and wow this is really tough. I even started to break a sweat! Zoey still thought I was trying to play a game with her and I wound up stepping on her - from that point forward she observed my awkward Wii workout from the comfort of the couch. I imagined her thinking this dumb bitch really thinks that by doing a video game and some squats she is going to lose weight, but really she just looks like a fool and we'd be much better off playing ball!

40 minutes later the circuit was over and I was out of breath from my work out. I was seriously impressed with how hard I worked out. I felt like it was a GREAT substitute for not going to the gym. Thank you Bob!

Burn and Firm

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:10:00 +0000

Last night I braved the subway rush hour, rushed to the gym and did a speed changing session to make it to the 'burn and firm pilates class. I'm usually afraid of classes because a) I'll look like a dam fool while doing them b) I'll be the fatest girl in there and c) people will laugh at my rhythm (or better yet, lack of rhythm) but i thought I'd give it a try as the class claims to "burn and lengthen muscles faster and more efficiently by combining fluid, large muscle, low impact pilates-inpired standing moves with hand weights and body bars to get your best Pilates body in half the time". Really what sold me was the "half the time" line!

Ok I made it just in time for the class. Everyone was waiting outside and i took a quick look around for other fatties (PLEASE don't make me the fattest one in here). Thankfully there were a few women who were bigger than I am. I know this sounds bad but it sure did make me feel better at the time. We went in and started the class. I thought to myself the other words that sold me on the class "low-impact" as I quickly found my self in the spot farthest away from the door (aka thethis class is way too hard getaway). Ok so here we go, with super light weights. 10 minutes later i was cursing myself for thinking this class was a good idea and really cursing the people who are blocking me from sneaking out of the class unnoticed. crap I'm going to have to finish this. Ok great mat time. Everything is easier lying down. WRONG. Wait you want me to do what? Um I don't think my body can do that! 60 minutes later we finally stood up, took our last cleansing breath and we were done. Oy! Everyone else in the class looked almost...refreshed. Like they enjoyed it. Even the other fatties (who by the way can put their legs over their head in that reverse tumble type position - i could not). Ummm how was I the only one who thought this was hard? I thought for sure i would be hurting today, but I wasn't. Now if only I was firm from my burn I'd be good!

HOLLA!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 16:31:00 +0000

Finally, finally, finally I have lost more than 1 lb! I worked my ass off last week, gyming it, not going over on any points, sticking to the program like glue and BAM...I am down 3.5 lbs this week! HOLLA. When I stepped on the scale and saw the number I literally yelled "HOLLA" to myself. But then I thought, I better test this again and stepped on it one more time just to be sure. (I don't know why but I am always doubting my scales weighing abilities) YESSSS! It was right!

I can finally say all the blood, sweat and tears have been worth it - ok, ok there hasn't been any blood but there has been plenty of sweat and a ton of tears (TMI? Maybe) and it isn't worth it YET but at least I feel like I am finally getting somewhere. Now if my body can continue to play along and I can keep this up I will be one happy and Fat Girl!

They Rhythms Gonna Get You!

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 20:32:00 +0000

This 16 degree weather made me just want to sit on the couch and do nothing all day. However, it also reminded me of how much I can't wait to be sitting on the cruise ship in Florida. So after two pairs of pants, leg warmers, work out tank, long sleeve shirt, hoodie, scarf hat, and 2 pairs of gloves I finally made it to the gym.

It took me approximately 10 minutes to get all the layers off and to get going. I looked for the skinny bitches and they were no where to be found (they probably don't have enough body fat to survive being outside today). I picked out my eliptical, cranked up Lady Gaga and got going. Although I try really really hard not to dance while elipticalling, the music always seems to get to me and before I know it I'm moving to the music. Embarrassing I know, but sometimes I can't help myself and luckily I haven't given into the urge to sing (and boooyyy do I sometimes want to sing)!

Anyhow this guy comes up behind me and gets on to the machine next to me. He looks at me so I smile (thinking to myself please dear Jesus don't notice what a sweaty beast I am.....or my wedgie) and he smiles back. He then says something to me and I look around thinking this good looking guy isn't talking to me, but he was! I thought to myself HOLLA!! So I took my headphones out and he said "Looks like you are having a great time" (because i was dancing on the eliptical and didn't know it) - i just kind of laughed and said "ha you know this working out can be soooo much fun sometimes." smile. sweat drips off me. wipe sweat while smiling again. He laughs and then says "what are you listening to?" I reply with "Lady Gaga." He then looks super excited and replies in a high pitched voice "Oh my God, giiiirrrll she is fabulousss! Fabulous!....did you see her when she was here? Ugh my boyfriend and I did and she was A-MAZING". Ha! All I could do was laugh. So my luck. My secret I love gay men sign on my forehead must have been apparent.

Fatty Fat goes speed dating

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 16:43:00 +0000

In what seems like the never-ending quest to find the man of my dreams (if you know where he is please don't hesitate to let me know), I decided to try speed dating. The event was last night and boy was it an adventure. I had been reading up tips on speed dating and found that I should wear a red dress (so I purchased a new red dress), smell like vanilla and cinnamon (I couldn't bring myself to smell like both so I went with a vanilla sandlewood body spray) and to be ready with good questions and a smile. I felt ready. I felt prepared. And I felt like if I am really serious about finding someone I have to step outside my box and well outside my box I went.

The event started at 7:30 pm (SHARP according to the email) so I decided to get there at 7:29 to avoid any kind of waiting around awkwardness. Well when I arrived I was the second person there and my fears came true - I had to awkwardly wait around until everyone was registered. I needed a drink and I needed a drink fast if I was going to survive this. I went and got myself a glass of wine and stood by my assigned table. As the people started to file in I noticed that I was not only the only person wearing red but I was the only one actually wearing a color. Everyone got settled at their assigned tables and I quickly noticed that I was not only the big girl in the red dress but my table (which conveniently was table #1) was the only one that was under a spotlight – no matter which way I moved my chair I was under this dam spotlight. Awesome.

The host Nya, a lovely woman started the event and away we went. My first guy was interesting – he’s done this speed dating thing “a ton of times and thinks its great”! Um that does not bode well for you or speed dating. Next – guy stared at my boobs the whole time. Next – guy started at my boobs the whole time. I guess my boobs are far more interesting than me. Next. A white guy with an accent that I couldn’t figure out sat down and said “oh you’re my first table – you are popping my cherry”. Nice opening line jerk. I ignored the comment and asked where he was from. He made me guess and after two wrong tries I wanted to say look buddy I’m trying here and I’m not accent / geography expert so throw me a bone and just tell me – we only have 6 dam minutes and I’d rather not spend that time on a guessing game. Instead I finally guessed Scandinavia and he said close and we dropped it at that. He then asked me “if I cooked you an amazing meal what kind of sexual favors would you give me in return to thank me” (I swear that was his actual question!). Again, I ignored it.

The next guy the conversation went something like this – Hi I’m Stephanie – “hi”. What do you do – “finance”. Where do you live – “here”. What do you for fun – “go out”. Oh nice, where do you like to go – “bars”. Ah ok, are you from NY – “no”. Ah how long have you been here – “4 years”. Do you like it - “Yup”. Ugh. Let me tell you 6 minutes is a long time when someone isn’t giving you anything to work with. Meanwhile on each one of these dates I was trying to not think about the spotlight, trying to remember to smile, look interested, not cross my arms and remember all of my ‘interesting questions’.

I then had the pleasure of meeting Gregory (don’t call me Greg) who was an Asian man and had a PhD in brain tumor research (not sure if I actually believe this. He asked to see my hand. Um ok. He told me he was also a palm reader in his spare time. He then awkwardly inspected my hand – both palm and back of my hand – for what seemed like forever. I tried to talk to him during it but he told me to “shhhh”. He then analyzed me based on my palm – telling me that I am stubborn, worry too much and am not all that creative (based on my nail beds). He then said he wasn’t going to tell me about my love line “he’d let a professional do that.” Seriously, not making any of this up!

Half of the guys weren’t even employed. The other half I couldn’t understand what they were saying as their accents were so thick – it was like I dated around the world in 2 hours. I had many men from India, London, Germany, Russia (but he told me to keep that on the DL because he is here illegally).

Finally, the night was over. I ran into the one of the drunken guys (there were a few) on my way out who yelled at me “whoooo hooooo – where’s the party moving to.” I just smiled and got into a cab. I couldn’t be happier to be in that cab. Why is dating so dam hard? Why can’t my life be like the movies – you know, they guy just appears in my life, falls head over heels in love with me and can’t live without me?

Um I don't need to see that...thanks

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie C.) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 22:47:00 +0000

I went to the gym last night and was lucky enough to be graced with the presence of one of the skinny gym bitches again. Same one from last time. I was on my machine for a few minutes before I heard lots of yapping and noticed her on the stair stepper next to this rather fine looking gentleman. I turned down my headphones to hear what she was saying (hey I'm no fool sometimes these crazies can be more entertaining than the Glee Soundtrack) and I was sure glad that I did because she was yelling, yes yelling "I mean I don't know what happened between the two of you but she needs to get the fuck over it! You are an amazing guy, great body! what the fuck is her problem?!" Seriously that is exactly what she was saying! I actually laughed out loud and noticed several other people around me laughing as well.

I also go straight to the gym from work so unfortunately I have to change my clothes at the gym and lock everything up in a locker. I usually very quickly and very very modestly change and head out of there. However, there are some women who are walking around nude as can be without a care in the world. Free as birds. I'm sure they find this liberating in some way but I seriously don't need you standing there yapping on your phone totally naked. For the love of God cover up! I cover my shit up, please give me the same courtesy and cover yours up too!