Suddenly.

2011-04-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

When you're little, only a baby, barely walking, you're parents do everything for you. They feed you, clothe you, bathe you, and love you. They teach you to talk, teach you to walk. Life is fun, and easy. You've got nothing to worry about, no schoolwork, no guys, nothing.

Then, suddenly, you're starting at school. It's new, and you're parents aren't here, so you're alone. You don't know anyone, but you're only a kid, you can make the best out of it. So you smile big, and you mean it. You're friendly and sweet and cute, and soon, theres that one girl who's walking up and saying, ''Hey, wanna be friends?''

Then, suddenly, best friends are the most important things in the world. You do everything together. You can do no wrong, even if you break up, it barely lasts a day. You have sleepovers, you go through school together, discussing the fittest boys, hottest music, everything. But then, something changes. A new girl comes to your school - and wheres that childhood best friend? Replacing you.
Suddenly every secret you've ever told them IN COMPLETE CONFIDENCE - is told to the new girl - and then it is known by the entire school.
And yet, you smile, and you laugh it off. 'Cause you know if you don't, your best friend can make your life hell.
So suddenly, you're alone, but not. Because on the outside, nothings changed. Everyone still thinks you're best friends, they still think you tell each other everything - and only you and and your best friend know it's not true. They just think the new girl is your best friend, too.

So you change. Suddenly, you aren't that fun loving smiley little kid you were. You're wearing black, with long sleeves - no prizes for guessing why. You're closing everyone out, and you're dying your hair extreme colors. You're getting in trouble in school, something you've NEVER done before. You're back chatting to your parents. You're blasting out angry music, sad music. You're punching walls. You're breaking down daily. You hate yourself, and you hate your life.

Suddenly, you can't do anything right. Your parents are always moaning at you, your best friend is bitching at you, your grades are slipping and you're collapsing, inside out. You'll do anything you can to escape whats going on around you, anything at all.

So suddenly, you're picking up that cold, sharp, steel knife. And you're cutting, deeper than you've ever cut before. You're panicking, you don't know how to control the flow of blood. You're holding a bandage to the cuts, praying for the blood too stop coming. When it does, you drop that knife. You vow you won't ever touch it again.

And then, one day. You meet a guy, and he's a great guy. He loves you, he holds you and lets you cry. He listens to you- he cares about you.. But you didn't know that he wanted more.

Suddenly, kissing and hugging wasn't enough for him. He wanted to go further, but you weren't ready. So he's calling you frigid, and other horrible names. He's spreading rumors about you at school, and you're best friend is laughing along with him, and everyone else. You're more alone than ever.

And it's right back to that sharp, steel knife. Even though you promised yourself you wouldn't do it again, you do. And this time you're ready for the blood that comes pouring out of that little cut. You know how to handle it, theres no panic this time. You cut, you bleed, and then you clean it up, with a scary mechanical efficiency.

So you're along again. You can handle it, this time. You've got that fake smile, fake laugh, fake happiness at the ready. Everyone thinks you're fine. Only you know that you'll go home, and find that sharp, steel knife again.

Suddenly, just when everything is at its worst, just when you can feel yourself being pushed ever closer to the edge, another guy waltzes into your life. This one.. he's different. You can't explain how. He's been where you are, he's got matching scars etched into his skin. He's broken down himself, he's been betrayed, he's been hurt by people he love. You can feel your soul calling out to him, but even so, you're careful. You don't want to be hurt again, so you're guarded. But he breaks down your wall, and he pulls you into him, and you're one. You know this is the guy you will spend the rest of your life with.

Suddenly, you're messing it up. You're being stupid, yearning for your ex. You don't really feel anything for him, of course, but you've let yourself get to happy, to comfortable - you can't allow that. You've had years of self-loathing, why on earth would you want to be happy again, it'd only hurt more if - when - it broke down. You're scared that he'll hurt you, that he's losing interest.. So you're pushing him away, and running back into that very guy who ruined your life's arms.

Suddenly, you've lost that guy. BUT WAIT - maybe you can do something. Maybe, just maybe, for once in your life, you can do something to make it worthwhile, make yourself happy. So you're messaging him, pouring your heart out - telling him you love him,you're sorry, you'll never hurt him again - and meaning it. He's been hurt before, too, he's been cheated on and lied to many times - but he's giving you another chance, because he knows you're soulmates.

This time, you won't screw it up. This time, you'll let yourself be happy. This time, you'll truly appreciate everything you have with him. This time, it's for good.

Hey, I guess..

2011-04-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

Okayy... Not entirely sure why I made this. I just wanted a place to vent, to get out how I feel about things, going on my life (and sometimes around the world and politics; Depends on what mood I'm in!)
I've got alot of shit going on, right now.
Me and my boyfriend of five months have had a pretty rough couple of weeks. We've broken up three times, and always managed to get back together. It was my fault, if I'm honest. I risked losing the best thing in my life, all because I thought I had feelings for my bastard of an ex. I'll never be that stupid again, 'cause I know now that I need him. Life doesn't feel right without him.
I'm suffering from depression. I had a breakdown at school last Monday. I'm going to be receiving counselling..Yay for me?
Me and my mother don't really have the best relationship, if I'm honest...We don't ever talk, and if we do, we're fighting. She's been a bit better recently, though, what with everything else going on.
I don't have very many *REAL* friends. I have one guy, who's been my best friend since we were like, 6, and still is, so I know he's always there for me (the boyfriend isn't too keen on him.. Though thats a story for another day!). My best girlfriend is.. well, in short, a back-stabbing two faced bitch. I don't know why I thought I could trust here, or why I still pretend like everything's fine. I guess cause it's easier that dealing with shit from her, on top of everything else.

Facts you *NEED* to know:

I'm sixteen,
I'm a girl,
My name is Beth,
I'm English,
I'm in love.

Facts I *WANT* you to know:

I'm against racism,
I'm against smoking,
I'm against sexism,
I'm against drugs,
I drink quite a bit,
I cut myself (expect references to that in the future!)

Well.. thats about it, for an intro :)
See y'all later!

**My heart bleeds no more,
Since it has turned to stone </3**

Just another girl

Suddenly.

Hey, I guess..