Everybody has a story to tell.

There's a tear everytime that I blink.

2019-03-01T13:53:00.001-05:00

Wow, once again it's been almost a year. I probably should write more often, but life gets so dang busy, you know?

I'm struggling. For a while I was doing better, but darkness has crept back in. Every day I'm fighting a battle within my head to just keep going. I just keep telling myself the pain, the fear, the anxiety cannot last forever.

Almost 2 years ago now my mom got diagnosed with something that has been a constant battle ever since. Since then, I've noticed my anxiety and at times my depression has resurfaced. Seeing your parent, your best friend, and your strength fighting something every day is so hard. However, for the most part everything was normal. We were still able to go shopping, go to lunch, plan my wedding, etc. She got tired, but that was about it. I think over the last two years she would describe it as more of an annoyance than anything. Lots of doctors visits, lots of blood tests, lots of transfusions, etc. However, I have been forever grateful that through it all she has felt GOOD. Tired, but good.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and our whole lives got turned upside down. I won't go into detail because it's not my story to tell. I have no business writing about what my mom is going through for the world to read. But I will tell you, it's TOUGH.

My mom is my best friend. I call her on a daily basis to ask the most ridiculous questions, tell her the most pointless stories, and really anything to give me an excuse to talk to her. Moving out was one of the hardest things I've had to do simply because now I can't see and talk to my parents every day.

A part of me was praying I'd never have to witness one of my parents becoming sick. I've seen it with my grandparents, and that was hard enough. My mom is by far the strongest person I know. She is the kindest person in the world. She has always gone above and beyond for me, even though I'm almost 27 and shouldn't need it. I ask myself every single day WHY this had to happen to her. Why should she have to go through anything this difficult? Why does she have to feel ill? Why does she have to spend her time in a hospital bed rather than enjoying her life with the people she loves? WHY WHY WHY!?

Every day I cry. I cry when I'm alone in the car to and from work. Sometimes I cry before I fall asleep. Any time I have a moment alone, I cry. It just kills me to see her going through something so hard. However, when I was sick and in her shoes, I rarely worried about myself. I had my days when I'd curse that this was my life, but for the most part I cried for others. I cried because my parents had to see their little girl going through something traumatic. I cried for all the phone calls my mom had to make, and all the people she had to keep updated. I cried for making my parents worry because I was screaming in pain. I cried for them, not for me. And I know my mom is doing the same. She is the most selfless person I know, and I know for a fact instead of worrying about HERSELF, she's worrying about all of us. And that may hurt the most.

I'm thankful she's in the best hands. I'm thankful she has a team of doctors and nurses that are aiding her back to health. I am thankful that in a month she should be on her way to getting the transplant she needs to finally feel better (once the agonizing healing process is over). I am thankful that overall, she's feeling okay. And I am thankful for every single person that has reached out, sent positive thoughts, or said a prayer for my mom. She's the absolutely best and she deserves to feel 100%.

So I'm sorry to my friends that I've pretty much stopped reaching out to. Every day I pick up my phone and type out a message that says I'm struggling or that I need to talk. But then I just end up erasing it. I feel numb. I feel like a horrible friend and fiance. I feel like I've lost a part of myself emotionally. I feel shut off from the world like I can't escape this nightmare. I just feel completely anxious and overwhelmed 24/7 and that I don't have time to breathe.

I just want my mom to be better. She is the rock of the family and we all just need her to be healthy again. So whatever you believe in, PLEASE say a prayer or send out a good thought for my mom. That woman deserves only wonderful things.

In the morning I'll be better.

2018-04-09T18:17:00.001-04:00

Wow a lot has happened since I last took the time to write. I've moved, had surgery, got engaged, started planning my dream wedding, and finally started a full time job. However, I'm not writing to talk about how amazing the last year has been, although it has.

You can't turn on the news these days without another school shooting. Another suicide. Another overdose. There is so much tragedy around us it makes it hard to believe there will be a better tomorrow.

When are we going to learn? When are we going to start being KIND? When are we going to stop being so judgemental and just take the time to LISTEN instead?

I've been struggling. I am so happy in my relationship. Matt makes me happier than anyone ever has. I love getting to see him every day, even if some days it's not as much as I'd like. I love knowing that at the very least he will be next to me as I lay down to sleep after another long day (except when he's plowing.. man I hate the snow). However, my anxiety and depression has slowly crept back and I don't know how to stop it.

The thing about anxiety and/or depression, or any mental illness for that matter, is that you can't control it. You can be in a steady, happy, thriving relationship and still feel depressed. You can have a million great friends and still feel depressed. You can have the most supportive family and still feel depressed. This is where the problem lies. People looking in from the outside just assume because you have all these things that you're happy, and have no reason to ever be sad. I call bullshit.

When I was in high school something happened to me that I have yet to forget. I was sad- a lot. I had an amazing group of friends, a great family who loved me, and I did well in school. Seemingly, I had the perfect life. However, something in my mind just wouldn't let me be happy. I felt so depressed at random times and never had an answer as to why.

So one day my phone rings. Being that I hate the phone, I ignore it. They leave me a voicemail. Someone who was once my "so called friend" was with her friends and they all decided to play "Untitled" by Simple Plan over the phone while they all laughed. If you don't know that song- it's an extremely depressing song. They were all just sitting there in someone's basement mocking me for being depressed for whatever was getting me down that week. Seriously?

This is what's wrong with this world. Instead of offering a hand, a hug, a shoulder, or an ear to listen we put people down for how they feel. We make them feel worse. Imagine if I was one of these kids on the news who just committed suicide or killed 17 innocent people? Luckily, my depression wasn't at the state where I had suicidal thoughts, but what if it was? Something like that could've pushed me over the edge instead of helping me see the light of another day.

Why aren't we more kind? Why don't we strive to help people? If kids were kinder in school and included the outcasts, maybe we would be seeing less horrific things on the news every other day. Maybe the person that ended their life just needed someone to talk to, instead of being bullied or shunned for the things they were feeling. Maybe if people spent less time being complete assholes and pissing people off and more time smiling at the people who seem out of place, the world would be a happier place with happier kids.

Here I am now, probably 12 years later, and the depressive thoughts are back. I can't explain it. I can't say they're justified. But right now at the best moments of my life, I am feeling more lost and hurt than ever. Poor Matt has to deal with a fiance who is constantly crying day after day about the fact her friends don't care anymore. I feel forgotten, alone, and simply not cared about. I moved away from the only life I've ever known, and it's like I don't exist anymore. As much as I love Matt, and as wonderful as he is, a girl still needs her friends. And I promise there is no worse feeling than feeling like if you didn't exist, it wouldn't matter to them.

Why does no one reach out anymore? Why does no one seem to miss me and make the effort to see me? Why do I have to sit here alone, while everyone else moves on with their lives and their friends without me?

This isn't a pitty-party for myself. This is simply a reminder that someone's life can look perfect from the outside, but they can still be hurting on the inside. I wouldn't change my life. I love living with Matt and I'm glad I moved to be with him. However, that doesn't mean that I don't still need my friends. I still need to spend time with my family. I still need to feel loved by people other than my fiance.

This is just a reminder to never stop reaching out to a friend. Never stop trying. Never stop caring. You never know how much they're truly struggling, and believe me I'm struggling.

So for now I just take life day by day, in hopes that everything will eventually fall into place. In hopes that soon I will feel worthy again. In hopes that parts of my heart start to heal and I can feel genuinely happy again.

This last year has been the best one of my life, but also the hardest. I am adjusting to a new life away from home, and sometimes it's hard. Sometimes we just need a little help from our friends.

Mental health is not something that can always be explained. It's something that runs deep within our brains and our veins, and it's not something that can just be "fixed" overnight. So be kind. Smile more to those who look like they need it. Give a compliment. Stop being mean and stop ridiculing people for how they FEEL, whether you think it's justified or not.

PS. Shout out to my amazing fiance who has done nothing but be there for me, even when I'm being insanely difficult, moody, and straight up miserable. I love you with my whole heart and I'm so thankful for you.

Yes I'm neurotic; I'm obsessed and I know it.
Can't take vacations in the brain, or believe me I'd be on one.

Love wins.

2017-03-19T20:45:00.000-04:00

The other day an old friend messaged me to tell me that my post about heartbreak and moving on really helped them, as they are currently going through a break up. I had recently shared it on Facebook, but I wrote it a year ago. It's funny to think I was in such a dark place; flash forward 365 days and I'm by far the happiest I've ever been.

I write for myself, but also to share my story with others. It helps me to get my feelings out; both good and bad. However, to hear that my words have made a difference in someone's life or someone's way of thinking gives me an overwhelming sense of happiness.

I'm not going to lie- last year was a tough one. The last two years in fact have been a complete hurricane of emotions. I was so lost. I found comfort in guys that had no interest in me, or even worse DID have interest in me that I knew I never wanted to be with. I found myself drinking to ignore my problems and my feelings. I found myself with this ache in my heart and this pit in my stomach that would not go away no matter what I tried to cure it with.

This post is proof that everything I said and believed wasn't bullshit. It DOES get better. It took me two years of struggling to find where I should be, but the point is I found it. There were many days I never thought I'd find someone, or just find happiness in general. Yet here I am, happier and more complete than ever before. There's hope. I found it. And I'm not letting it go.

When you've been through shitty relationships it's so hard to believe that there are good people still out there. When your heart has been put through absolute hell, and you've been treated like absolute trash, it's hard to see the light. However, I can tell you that there are good people out there.

Matt makes everything in my life better. He doesn't tear me down with his words. He builds me up and makes me feel like the most perfect human being in the world. He doesn't scold me for having a hard time expressing what I'm feeling. He is so patient with me, and understands my past in a way that no one else ever has. He doesn't sweet talk his way to my heart with meaningless lines and a bunch of BS. He says things to me that I know he means, but also PROVES the things he says to me every single day. He doesn't treat me as an object or someone to boss around and control. He sees me as an equal, a teammate, and treats me with the upmost respect. I thank my lucky stars every day for bringing him into my life in the craziest way. I'm not sure I ever believed in fate until now.

I'm telling you- as soon as you're about to give up all hope, that's when you'll find someone unlike any other. When you stop looking so desperately. When you LEAST expect it. Someone will walk into your life and all of the previous heartbreak will finally make sense. I would go through it all again if I knew that every decision I made, every tear I've cried, and every broken piece of my heart would lead me here. My only wish is that everyone still believes that good still exists; because I promise you it does. And you all deserve it.

For the first time in forever I feel complete. I have the most amazing family, best friends, and boyfriend. For the first time I'm excited for the future and the people that get to be a part of it; all of which I simply cannot live without.

So here it is- it gets better. Happiness exists. Do NOT settle for the relationship that brings you down and abuses your heart. Stand up, brush it off, and walk away; because I promise what is waiting for you is way better and more than worth it.

You've gotta swim, don't let yourself sink.

2016-08-20T22:37:00.000-04:00

There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be alone without being lonely, and you can be lonely without being alone. Turns out, I'm the second one.

This summer has been insane. I go from ecstatic, to pissed off, to giddy, to sad, to annoyed, to depressed, to cloud nine. I find myself only truly being happy when I'm A) Drinking or B) Getting attention from the person I'm interested in. Everything in between leaves me feeling empty, sad, and defeated.

The truth is, I'm lonely as hell. I spend my weekends with my best friend(s) and I have the time of my life. However, I can be in the middle of a bar or a club or a concert surrounded by people and I still have this pit in my stomach. I feel alone, despite the fact I'm surrounded by a sea of people having just as much fun as me. I stop and think about the hollowness, and I quickly take another sip and get back to dancing and laughing.

I don't want a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend. I'm not going to try and tie down the first guy that talks to me in hopes that we'll have something magical. I'm not about forcing connections and feelings that simply aren't there. However, I find myself aching for someone by my side. I want to have someone to text at the end of the day to tell the funny thing that happened earlier, or why I feel so angry, or why I'm laughing at the movie I'm watching. I want to share my experiences with someone, and I want them to share theirs with me.

Every day is the same. I wake up, eat, go to the gym, come home, watch TV, do a couple of things around the house, maybe babysit, sit in my room, stare at my phone, and go to sleep. Nothing exciting. I just sit around waiting for my phone to go off from the one person who isn't thinking of me. It's sickening and pathetic and I hate that I've become this way. I don't want to be the girl who waits around just for that quick 15 minutes of pure happiness before it's quickly gone again for another few days.

What is this funk and when will it leave? I have not felt an empty feeling like this in the longest time. I find myself begging for distractions; for anything that will take my mind off things and make me forget and feel good about myself. I just want this gut-wrenching pain in my stomach and chest to go away, and I want this constant lump in my throat to disappear.

I start my new job in two days. All I can do is hope that once I get back into a routine and barely have time or energy to think, I will start healing. I will start to find my purpose again. I will finally be able to laugh and breathe and smile all on my own. I will finally start enjoying life again, and not feel so alone. I'm praying that this is the miracle I needed after such a weird, emotional, train-wreck of a summer.

Just tell me it's all going to be okay. Just tell me I'm not alone. Just tell me that it gets better; because I know it does and I know it will.

Are you a little tease, or are you into me?

2016-08-10T15:54:00.001-04:00

I've been putting off this post for over a month now. I keep sitting down to write, and then something changes my thinking and I can't seem to find the words anymore. This summer has been an emotional roller coaster; I find myself feeling upset and hurt and need to write it out, but before I can something comes along to put a smile on my face and I'm on cloud 9 again.

I couldn't remember the reason I wrote last so I had to go back. Funny, I still feel the same way I felt when I wrote 3 months ago; the only difference is the guys have changed.

Why do guys feel the need to ghost people? How can you go from talking to someone every day, to not a single word ever again? No reason. No explanation. Simply gone into thin air. It's because it's easier than telling the truth. I don't like confrontation, and I don't like hurting people. However, I still muster up the courage to be honest with someone if I decide one day I am no longer interested in them. It's called respect. It's called growing the hell up and being an adult.

I don't care how long you've been "talking" to someone. As long as it's been consistent for over a week or two, there should be explanation as to why you woke up today and decided you were over it. Feelings get involved whether you like it or not. It honestly makes it so impossible to move on in a reasonable amount of time, with a reasonable amount of grace, if you're just left there stranded for no rhyme or reason. How can I have any type of closure if I have no idea what I did wrong for you to just up and walk away out of the blue?

Here's a tip for all you assholes out there. GROW UP. Stop treating girls like objects. Stop leading girls on one nice saying at a time only to decide you're into someone else or want to be alone. Stop LYING. Stop treating us like meat, while you're out there doing God knows what with God knows who else. Stop thinking that it's okay to be a complete and utter douche bag when someone is nothing but nice to you. STOP MAKING ME FALL FOR YOU WHEN YOU HAVE ZERO INTENTION OF EVER BEING WITH ME. And above all else- stop being a coward when you decide you're not interested anymore, man up, and TELL US. Don't just walk away and ignore us and go on with your life. Have some class.

I've just been so frustrated and so upset. This will not stop happening to me and I'm sick of it. I'm not over here looking for a ring on my finger. I am literally looking for someone to get to know and spend time with, and SEE WHERE IT GOES. I'm not in love with you. I'm not trying to lock you down and control you. I'm literally trying to get to know you, have fun, and see if there's anything there. I'm not sure why that scares so many guys, considering you are usually the ones who pursue us in the first place. You literally suck.

I don't think guys understand how it makes us feel (or at least me anyway). It's not the fact that you decided one morning you don't want to talk to me anymore or you're bored. It's the fact you don't even tell me. You just hope that by ignoring my text one day I'll go away. And you know what? I do go away because I'm not about to sit here and blow you up and beg for you. That doesn't mean that as I'm walking away I'm not hurt. It hurts because you're really saying I'm not worth the truth. I'm not good enough for an explanation. And that is one of the worst feelings in the world whether I've talked to you for three weeks or six months.

If you're one of these assholes I seriously suggest a reality check. Go apologize to the girls you completely fucked over for no other reason than you got scared and you're a coward. I would kill for even one apology from the many guys who have done this. It's time to grow up. You don't have to be out there looking to get married, but you need to give girls the respect of being honest and owning up to the fact that you lost interest.

I'm just over being treated like absolute shit for no reason. I deserve better. Everyone deserves better.

I see a mess in the mirror.

2016-05-03T12:37:00.003-04:00

I know the last time I wrote I was saying how I had been struggling. I felt things start to get better, but then they just fell apart again. I was blaming people, boys specifically, for the way I was feeling about myself. However, this has nothing to do with them- this is all about how I see myself and trying to figure out ways to change that image.

My life has been a mess ever since Zack and I broke up. Here I was, so happy. I found someone who took me out of my comfort zone, was beyond sweet towards me, and for once in my life made me feel worth something. I was the happiest I had been in YEARS. I knew I was a "good girl" in his eyes. I knew he wasn't used to that. However, somehow it just worked. I brought him back down, and he took me away from the shy timid girl I had always been. And just like that, out of the absolute blue, it's over. There was an explanation, but it was in fact complete lies and bullshit. I know exactly what the real reason was- I was "too good." It's like no matter how nice I am, how hard I try to be myself, how hard I try to change things about me, it's never enough. You can stay who you are, or you can change everything about you- they'll still completely fuck you over.

I changed after that. I became this girl who didn't have feelings. I started going out more- a lot more. I tried talking to other guys, and eventually I would just be leading them on. I knew it wasn't ever going to go anywhere, because a part of me still wanted to be with the asshole who hurt me. Once summer came around I was going out all the time. My sole purpose was now to meet as many guys as I could. I loved to get drunk, find someone cute for the night, maybe get a number, talk for a week or so, and then be on my way. I didn't sleep around, I didn't hook up with any, I just found myself leading on guy after guy.

Fast forward to fall and it all changed. I'd start to actually like a guy, we'd talk for a while, and then out of nowhere they just stop. So I'd find someone else, and it would happen again. I swore off guys for a while, and then a few months ago I met someone else. We talked for almost 2 months, and what do you know- ghosted again out of nowhere.

I haven't been proud of the choices I've been making lately. It's like my life is revolving around guys in order to make me feel better about myself. I am completely insecure in how I look. I live at the gym now, just striving to get that perfect body. I find myself ordering supplements, protein, pre workout, and whatever else I can find that's going to help me tone my body into what I want. I spend forever in the stores looking at the variety of pills, while I pick up and put down the fat fighters 900 times. I eat my french fries (because how would I ever give those up), and then I think about how much I'll need to work out the next day to burn them off. I can't get out of my own head. I can't stand looking in the mirror and not feeling good enough.

So here we are again- I meet someone and try to be someone I'm not, because maybe that will make them stick around for once. And what do you know? They get what they want and here I am ghosted again. I mean it's my own fault. I knew what I was doing, and I knew what the mindset was. But it still hurts. Being rejected is something that never feels good. How can I sit here and not feel like I'm not good enough? Not pretty enough. Not skinny enough. Not careless enough. As hard as I try, I will never be the easy go with the flow kind of girl. I should've listened to my gut. I knew this would fuck me up in more ways than one.

I've had a lot of time to think about it and I've figured it out. Cancer. It's always the freaking C word. I hate to use it as an excuse, believe me. However, do you have any idea how it feels to not only be told you're insanely sick and are going to be put through hell in order to cure it, but also have your entire physical appearance taken away from you? I lost weight- a lot of it. No one wants to date the 96 pound bruised girl who has no hair. Sure, dating was the farthest thing from my mind after Jared broke up with me, but still. Going out in public was a STRUGGLE and I always felt like everyone was judging me. I have never felt uglier in my entire life.

Fast forward 6 months and my hair starts to grow back little by little. A year and a half later I went out without a hat for the first time. It actually started to look cute. However, I still felt like the 96 pound bald girl. I still do. My hair is long now. I am at a healthy weight. That doesn't mean what I went through and how I looked isn't still staring back at me every time I look in the mirror. There are no amount of compliments, no amount of boys, no amount of time at the gym to make me feel beautiful. It's my own crap. I'm the one who needs to snap back into focus and realize that yes- it happened. But it's not who I am. Cancer is not who I am. I am me, and I am good enough. Now if only I could start to believe it.

So when I meet a guy and he thinks I'm self-conscious and shy, do you understand how hard it is to not shake him and explain why I am the way I am? I can't go up to a guy who only wants to hook up with me and say, "I promise I'm not some sheltered, insecure, crazy person- I just had cancer and it's been hard to get past that but stick with me because I will." No. That's never happening. I don't even tell guys about the cancer because it sends them running as if I'm some fragile little girl they need to protect and can never hurt or walk away from. No it's okay sweetheart, I'll be okay.

BUT MY GOD CAN YOU NOT JUST LEAVE ME IN THE DUST WITHOUT A WORD?! NOTHING MAKES A GIRL FEEL MORE INSECURE OR WORSE THAN WHEN PEOPLE JUST UP AND LEAVE HER WITHOUT LETTING HER KNOW THAT THEY WON'T BE COMING BACK. GROW SOME BALLS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Y'ALL SUCK BIG TIME.

So anyways- here's to trying to stop drinking every last ounce of pain away and actually facing my problems head-on. I'll get there- be patient with me.

I can win with no one in my corner.

2016-03-20T14:29:00.000-04:00

I've been struggling lately with a number of things and I can't seem to get past them. I feel like I'm stuck in this place and have nowhere to turn. I spent days having meltdown after meltdown wondering if I made the right career choice. I felt like I lost the majority of my friends after sinking into a depression feeling like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I felt behind. I felt stressed. I had no idea what I was doing with my life, and I have never felt that way before. For me, I've always known. The day I graduated I had never been happier. It only took about two weeks for me to realize that the real world sucks, especially when you don't know which direction to go in.

Fast forward two months and my amazing, beautiful, tiny niece enters this world. Holding her for the first time at only an hour old was a feeling I've never had before. It actually felt like all my broken pieces got fixed. This little girl knows nothing about the heartache in the world. This little girl is so innocent. This little girl has her whole life ahead of her. She knows nothing but love as of right this moment. That is an amazing thing. I just want to snuggle her all of the time. I never want her to forget how much she's loved.

But then everything came crumbling down again. The career things started to work itself out. The more I subbed, the more comfortable I felt that this is what I should be doing with my life- at least for now. But then my meltdowns started turning into a fear of not being able to be a part of Kourtney's life like I want to be. I want to be able to watch her grow up and be an avid part of it. I want to hold her, play with her, see her, teach her, and just be there. I started feeling like the feeling wasn't mutual. I felt outcasted. I still do. The heartache from going to be on cloud 9 because of this little human to having it ripped out from under me is unlike anything I've ever felt. I want to feel wanted in her life. I want to feel welcome. I want don't want to feel this constant pain anymore.

It's early- I know things will hopefully change. I know there's plenty of time to mend old wounds and start fresh. However, the fear that that will never happen and I won't be a part of this girl's life is something I struggle with on a daily basis.

There is NO worse feeling than feeling misunderstood, not cared about, and ignored by people so close to you. And I promise there is NO worse feeling than feeling like the only way to get someone's attention is by getting cancer again. It's funny, people don't treat you like dirt when you have cancer. But then one day they tell you that the cancer is gone- and suddenly it's like you don't need to be treated with compassion anymore.

All anyone wants is to feel like they matter. Maybe not as much as everyone else, but just enough to make them feel like their existence in your life isn't a huge burden.

Two days ago I heard the above song for the first time. As I was listening, I couldn't help but relate to every single word. And then it hit me- I beat cancer for fuck's sake. If I can do that, what can't I do? I got through two of the most grueling years of my entire life and I came out on top. There is no way I am going to let myself fall apart over anything else- not when I'm still alive and breathing.

So here I go. I am going to fight. I have every right to be happy. I have every right to be a part of my niece's life without feeling guilty or like my presence is annoying. I have every right to be there for her. I refuse to give up and let the past affect my future. So here's to the future, and the absolute best part of my entire life.

"I'm perfume sweet and I'm whiskey strong- I damn sure ain't no underdog."

Tonight let's raise 'em up to where we ended up.

2015-11-24T20:39:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I've had the time to sit down and write. So much has changed since I've last written, and after going back and reading some of my old posts I am so thankful for that.

I've stopped trying to fix and mend a friendship that was unbelievably one-sided. I have far better things to do than to sit here and convince someone to be my friend and hang out with me when it's the last thing they want. That's not a friendship I want anyway.

Speaking of friendship- I'm so thankful for the friendships I do have. Most of my friends moved to Boston this fall, and I was terrified that would mean we would drift apart. The truth is, I've never felt closer to some of them.

Annan is my go-to girl no matter what. I've missed her an insane amount since she's moved, but I know that she's always a call or text away when something comes up. We both have a mutual understanding that our teaching lives are crazy, and there's physically not enough time in the day to talk every single day. It just makes catching up that much more exciting when we do. I wish she was still less than 10 minutes away from me, but I am so happy she's happy and living where she is meant to be living.

Samir and I's friendship has changed drastically this year, in my opinion. We've always been close, and he's always been one of my very best friends. However, this year I've began to realize that he's there for me more than pretty much anyone. Not in a way where I need to talk to him every day, but in a way that just makes me feel like I have someone to lean on, to laugh with, and to talk to when it's needed. Since he's my go-to place to crash when I spend the night in Boston, we've been able to have late night chats, too many laughs where my stomach physically hurts, and many new memories that I will always be able to look back on and laugh.

Quinn is the last person to stick with me back home. It's just the two of us now, and thankfully we're only a few houses away from each other. Our friendship is one that no matter how long it's been since we've hung out, not a thing has changed. He's one of the most important people in my life, and I know he always will be. He's not afraid to tell me how it is, and deep down I love him for that. There is no sugarcoating, yet I know deep down he cherishes our friendship as much as I do. I'm so thankful to have found a forever friend very shortly after he moved in down the street 12 years ago.

Mike and Steve will always be two of my favorites. Between Steve's vulgar-ness and Mike's incessant need to make fun of me, there is never a dull moment with those two. I am always laughing, rolling my eyes, and pretending to be mad when we all know it's impossible. I am so thankful Steve and I have reconnected within the last two years, and I'm forever grateful that Mike and I's friendship has stayed this strong for this long. I know I'm always in for a laugh if I ever need to be cheered up in any way, shape, or form. These two keep me crazy.

These people are my entire world. Without one of them, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I believe I am the luckiest person in the world to have friends that I can count on through thick and thin, and can laugh with at all times. This Thanksgiving I am grateful for them, along with every other day of the year. Our friendships have all changed over the years, but at the end of the day they are who I call home. No distance will ever change that.

And of course, my amazing, wonderful, incredible, supportive family. Without my mom, my dad, and my brother I wouldn't make it through some very dark days. I am so thankful to have a built-in best friend when it comes to my brother, and parents who support every decision I have ever made. At the end of the day, they are my backbone.

My life is so good, and I never want to forget that or feel as lonely and lost as I have until October of this year. Thankful to have friends and family who heal broken hearts, and fill the voids.

We were best friends now we don't even talk.

2015-07-29T22:25:00.000-04:00

Tonight has been a rough one. In fact, these last couple of months have been rough ones. I struggle to write this with swollen, burning eyes. For a girl who has so much, and is aware of how much she has, I still somehow have never felt so empty, so broken, or so alone.

It sounds crazy, doesn't it? I just came home from an incredible weekend with my amazing friends. I laughed the entire time. The amount of love I have for that group of people is actually quite sickening. I am truly beyond lucky. I know this.

I've been struggling for a while. I have this constant nagging feeling of loneliness. No matter how many people I can call my best friends, I still somehow feel like I have no one. Tonight was the first night I didn't know where to turn to, but I needed to find someone fast.

It's the same problem it always is. I don't have a best friend. Yes, I have best friends- Annan and the guys mean the absolute world to me. The problem is, is they all have their own go-to-number-one-above-the-rest person. I used to have that. I lost that a while ago, and I don't think I've been the same since.

99% of my friends live far away now, and by far I mean not close enough to call up and run over to see in five minutes. On nights like tonight, where I am absolutely falling to pieces, I have no one to go to. I feel like a burden to everyone. The bigger problem is that no one understands. I'm fighting this constant battle within myself that sounds like 13 year old drama when I say it out loud. The truth is, it's consuming me. I can't let go, and I can't move forward. I'm stuck in the constant cycle of depression and knowing there's nothing I can do about it.

I miss having that one person I could talk to about anything. When I needed a shoulder, a bowl of ice cream, a late night drive, or someone to plot revenge with, they were there. I had two people I could run to for anything and I screwed both of those friendships up. I lost my person/people.

My family and I are close, but not in the normal way that families are. We hate confrontation, don't really show emotion towards one another, and just let everything slide. My brother is practically my best friend, although I would probably never tell him that. That is what makes this so damn hard. Having him mad at me, and feeling like I'm not important to my own family is absolutely heart wrenching. But again, I'm probably just being "over dramatic."

Nothing is making this better. All I want is for someone to at least try and understand. I want someone to say that it's okay that I can't stop crying or that I feel so alone. I want someone to give me a hug and let me cry it out. I don't want to hear that I need to calm down, or that I need to let it go. I need to hear that my feelings matter just as much as anyone else's do.

There is no way to put what I'm going through into words, mostly because I don't understand it myself. All I know is that this feeling in the pit of my stomach isn't going away. Do you think I like feeling this way, and that I like the drama? Because I would give anything to make this all go away and to bring things back to four years ago.

I want to stop feeling like it would be better for my family if I just up and moved away and didn't turn back- because that's kind of where I'm at right now. I am sick and tired of being the burden and bad guy that I'm made out to be.

Tonight I drove around for an hour, sobbing uncontrollably just thinking of someone, anyone, who I could call. For the first time in forever, no one came to mind.

Like I said, I know how much I have, and I am thankful to have everything that I do. I am lucky. I am blessed. That's what makes this all so much worse- I am so hurt, so angry, and so emotionally shut off that I can't even see what's right in front of me. There is nothing worse than feeling alone when you're not.

I'm sick of not being heard. I'm sick of being ignored.

You don't have to handle me with care.

2015-07-01T09:49:00.000-04:00

Two songs have been on repeat lately:
She Don't Love You- Eric Pasley
You Can't Break What's Broken- Charlie Worsham

Two different songs, but two similar meanings. Being hurt so much or so bad that love feels impossible again, or feelings in general have completely shut off. This is how I'm feeling lately- in fact, I'm not feeling much of anything lately.

Just in the last couple of weeks I have realized that I am incapable of really trusting someone. I have this insecurity that everyone is out to hurt me in some way, or that everyone will inevitably end up breaking my heart. Because of this I just shut off, because it's easier than getting hurt.

How can the person I was with the shortest amount of time, hurt me the most? If anyone were to completely shut me off from the idea of being with someone it would have been Jared, right? I mean, he was my longest relationship that actually meant something to me at the time. But I was able to get past it and move on. Despite our crazy, rocky, painful relationship and its ending, I never for a second stopped believing in the idea that someone for me was out there. It took me a long time to be able to let me guard down like that again, but I still did it.

How could someone I was only talking to/dating for four months completely shatter everything inside of me? All of my trust, thoughts, beliefs, hope, and feelings are just gone. I was so comfortable right off the bat, that I don't think I could ever feel like that again. I let my guard down so fast only to regret letting him in. I had never been so open and so honest with someone in my life, and now I don't ever want to put myself in that position again. I thought I was fine. I thought the idea of feeling something for someone again would be easy. Now I'm just realizing that deep down everyone sucks and who knows if anyone is even worth opening up to anymore.

I hate this version of myself. I hate feeling cold, heartless, and bitter. I hate comparing. I hate feeling insecure the second things seem to go a little off track. I hate being vulnerable. I hate not knowing. I hate having this steel guard up that I refuse to let down. I hate that you did this to me. I hate that I let you.

Everyone lies. People just want to get in other people's pants and don't care about feelings. People either cheat or would cheat if they knew they couldn't get caught. People are fucked. People don't care anymore. Neither do I really.

The truth is it sucks when the people who know you the best and who could talk you out of your little rut are the people who hurt you the most and put you there in the first place. This is not who I am, I just don't know how to get the good version of me back.

The day my life changed forever.

2015-06-09T07:16:00.000-04:00

There's a large part of me that will never forget the day my life changed forever, and there's a small part of me that fears the memories (even though they are painful) will fade away over time. It's been four years now, and it's a bittersweet feeling to remember it all so perfectly.

After an ultrasound, needle biopsy to the throat, CAT scan, and blood test it was time for a biopsy. I'll never forget the morning of June 9, 2011 when I thought I was going in for a "quick biopsy" and then I'd be on my merry way to go swimming for the afternoon at Jared's. As I was filling out paperwork that morning I saw the consent for surgery. I immediately panicked, and didn't stop crying until I had been put out. My parents tried to calm me down, and explained to me that they didn't tell me because they knew this is exactly what would happened. They knew something was up, but I still had no idea. All I knew is I was going to be put to sleep, and I was not ready for it.

I sent my last text to Jared around noon time and told him I would be over as soon as this whole procedure was over. Little did I know the next time I would see him would be the next night in the ICU.

I went to sleep at 12:00 PM on June 9th, and woke up at 4:30 PM on June 10th in the ICU at Mass General. I slowly opened my eyes, saw my parents, and immediately started asking a bunch of questions (actually, I asked the same question about 9 times while falling asleep for 2 minutes between each time). Once I started to wake up and become more or less coherent, the doctor came in and told me the news. I had cancer. I didn't know what to say, or what to do. I just sat there, still pretty out of it. My first question- am I going to lose my hair? The answer was yes, and I proceeded to cry my eyes out. I looked over, and my dad was crying too. I understand that wasn't the part to be worried about, but in that moment my hair was all I could think about.

I spent that night in the ICU. I didn't sleep a wink, and I spent the whole night waking my dad up and asking what that beeping was, or to tell him I was scared, or to ask him to get a nurse. The funny thing is, they told my dad he had to go home that night since no visitors are allowed overnight in the ICU. Luckily, my parents know me better than anyone and know that I would not be okay by myself and didn't ask, but told the doctors that he was staying. I am forever thankful for that.

After a night of tests, I was able to move up to the cancer floor the next morning. I was unable to walk on my own, could barely eat, and was extremely tired. I started my first round of chemo on June 12th around midnight and was in the hospital until the 15th. I had many visitors, many tests and shots, many rounds of chemo and prednisone, and my dad sat and held my hand while they took my bone marrow for testing (for anyone who doesn't know what that's like- it's excruciating). My dad told me if I could handle that without falling apart, I would be able to get through all of this.

Finally, I found out the chances of curing this type of cancer was about 98%. Although hearing you have cancer is not an easy thing, knowing that you're most likely going to be okay is very reassuring. However, I still found myself crying in the middle of the night just imagining what my parents were going through, and how hard it must be for them to have to tell the story over and over again.

When I finally came home, things got tougher. I still couldn't walk by myself. My mom would make me get up and walk to the end of the hallway and back to my room a few times a day, but even that was exhausting. I'll never forget the day I made it to the end of my driveway without giving up or turning around. There wasn't anything I could do by myself. If I tried to get dressed by myself, it took 20 minutes. I had to take baths because I couldn't stand for long periods of time without falling down. I ate all of my meals in my bed and didn't drive for two months. I spent a week at the lake, and cried the entire time because of a massive spinal headache that wouldn't go away. I screamed at my parents and threw absolute tantrums because of the prednisone. I had to have people come to my house once a week for chemo, and I was driving into Boston many times a week for chemo as well. I had 6 spinal taps in the first three months, 10 in the first six months, and 21 total in 23 months. The first six months of treatment consisted of crying, wanting to call it quits, shingles, headaches and backaches, shaving my head, feeling ugly, dropping my weight from 125 to 96 pounds in about a month, and endless hospital visits. I was exhausted, I was sad, I was angry, and I couldn't figure out why this had happened to me.

Flash forward a little while and I knew exactly why this had happened to me. I needed to be shown in a big way that life is truly a blessing I was taking for granted. Because of the worst thing that has ever happened to me, I am now the best possible version of myself. I try so hard to remember all of the good I have in life, because I was given a second chance most people would kill for. I became stronger, kinder, and a hell of a lot more grateful. There is not one thing I would change between June 2011 and June 2013 when I officially stopped all chemo and became cancer-free. Not one spinal tap, not one chemo injection, not one pill, not one side effect, not one four hour trip to Boston with traffic in excruciating pain, not one blood transfusion that took four hours, not a thing. All of it combined helped shape me into someone who loves harder, cares deeper, and is even kinder than I was before.

I now know I can get through anything. The once weak girl fought her way through something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It brought my family and I closer, it taught me about true friendship, and it taught me about myself and that I am fully capable of taking on any challenge and winning.

This was the worst two years of my life- but it was also the best two years of my life. As much as it hurts to think about it, I never want to forget it. I know it seems like it's all I talk about, but it's the biggest part of me. Beating cancer was the first time in 20 years that I felt special, and that I had something worth sharing.

Forever thankful for my family, nurses, and friends who got me through each and every day.

Here's to two years cancer-free in just three days.

The devil takes your hand and says no fear.

2015-05-21T21:58:00.002-04:00

Addiction is not a joke. I understand that it's easy to blame the people who use and abuse drugs and alcohol. It's easy to pass judgement, refuse to feel bad, and tell yourself they did it to themselves. However, if you've never been an addict yourself it is seemingly impossible to understand. So rather than sitting here and blaming the victims of drug addiction, why don't we try and help them?

Salem High has lost far too many classmates to drugs. This heroin epidemic that we have going on, not only in the United States but right here in our hometowns, is getting out of control. I am beyond thankful that I have personally known or been friends with only a few of the victims of drugs and alcohol addiction. However, that doesn't mean my heart doesn't break every single time I hear of another death or overdose.

I've never been addicted to any substance before, so it's very hard for me to wrap my head around why people start in the first place. I've never even smoked a cigarette because it's easy for me to see how addicting they are from the people around me. However, I've had cancer and surgery and I have been prescribed some hefty medication. Luckily for me I know the dangers of addiction and how easy it can be to become dependent on pills. When I had my wisdom teeth out I only took ONE Vicodin and then I refused to take anything other than Tylenol even though I was in unbelievable pain. When I had shoulder surgery last summer I was prescribed an ungodly amount of Oxicontin. I took ONE of those, and decided I would never take another one. When I had cancer, I was prescribed Percocet, Morphine, and Tylenol with Codeine. I will admit, the Codeine made me feel very good. It was the only one that I didn't feel sick to my stomach on. Sometimes I would take it before I went to bed so I could sleep, even if I wasn't in excruciating pain. I could see how it could be easy to become addicted to narcotics. Hell, I'm the most cautious person I know and even I would find myself wanting to take them when I didn't NEED them. It also doesn't help that doctors prescribe an amount that no one should ever need to get through temporary pain.

Drugs like heroin and cocaine are a little harder for me to understand. We hear about these awful stories of people dying so young from drugs, and yet we still try them. The problem is that kids think they are invincible. Well, you're not. It only takes one time, one bad batch, just a little too much to overdose and kill you. It's not like cigarettes where it slowly happens over time. Drugs are bad. It needs to stop.

Alcohol is becoming just as prevalent. I hear of old friends of mine going to rehab for alcohol addiction at age 21 and 22. Again, I can see how easy it can be to become dependent. The feeling you get when you're drunk takes away all of the pain and struggle of life and makes you feel like you're on cloud nine. I get it. But alcohol doesn't solve problems, and you can only have so much fun before it becomes a problem. We need to help people not let it become a problem.

My biggest fear has become waking up one day to find out a friend of mine has passed away from drugs. I dated an ex-addict who thankfully got help and became clean. However, I knew that just because he was clean didn't mean the problem was gone forever. It's a constant struggle that you have to fight every single day in order to stay clean and sober. However, you know what's worse than that constant battle? Being dead. I don't think people realize how scary it is to the people who love you and want what's best for you. Your pain is our pain.

Let us help you. Get help. It's not too late. It's never too late, until it really does become too late. Don't let it become too late.

Please, please, please stop using drugs. I promise that it's possible to be happy and have fun without them. Just say no. And if you've already said yes, please get help. We can't lose anyone else this way.

Also I just want the people I know who have asked for help and got the help they needed to know how proud I am of them. I get that it's not easy, but it seriously makes you the strongest people I know and I admire you so much for it.

A little cancer can't break me.

2015-05-15T22:06:00.000-04:00

These last two weeks have brought back a flood of unpleasant memories.

May sucks. I hate May. I always will.

May 17, 2011- I lost my grandmother. In just two days it will be 4 years since she's been gone. I miss her every day. It still stings. I miss her smile, her sarcasm, and her kindness every single day.

May 4, 2012- I lost my grandfather. Cancer. It's always cancer. Cancer sucks. He could not have been more selfless if he tried. I'd give anything for one more day.

May 6, 2012- I lost my other grandfather. Cancer. It's always cancer. Cancer sucks. I will never forget the last time I got to see him, talk to him, and tell him I love him. Life isn't the same without him.

May 13, 2013- I lost my dog of thirteen years. It was probably cancer, since it seemed to be going around. Burying him was the hardest thing I've ever done. He was my buddy.

May was also the month I started to notice something was wrong 5 years ago. I had this God awful cough that didn't go away- kind of like right now.

A month later... cancer. Because it's always cancer.

Thankfully two years later, on June 12th 2013, the cancer was gone. I was one of the lucky ones and I make sure I remind myself of that every single day.

However, just because the cancer is gone doesn't mean the memories go away with it. I've been coughing for two weeks now. As much as I try to suppress the memories, I can't help but be reminded of how I came to find out I had cancer; a cough.

So, when people think I'm being over-dramatic because I went to the doctors three times in two weeks for the same reason, just remember it took about 4 doctors visits 5 years ago for someone to finally figure out what was wrong. If I waited much longer, or wasn't as persistent, I most likely wouldn't be here today writing this.

These painful May memories have been consuming my mind over the last two weeks. I want to push them away, but I can't escape them. I won't lie- I have been nervous. I am constantly poking around my neck to check for bumps. I have texted Rhonda because of a bloody nose. I will probably give it another week before I'm back at the doctors. Just to be safe. Just to be sure.

I know everything is fine. The point is just because the disease is gone, doesn't mean the fear is gone too. Every day is a constant battle between me and my thoughts. I refuse to let them consume me so much that I can't enjoy my life. Because this is one hell of a life.

Thankfully in 16 days it will be June and I can mask these memories for another year. And although June is a reminder of being diagnosed with cancer, it is also a celebration of another year cancer-free. And for that, I am forever grateful.

And just like with anything else life throws my way, as long as I have my family and friends I know I'll be okay. There is nothing I can't do without them by my side.They keep me grounded. They keep me sane.

This May I kicked off the month with some of my best friends, the first fire of the summer, and a night of laughter and foggy memories. I guess May isn't all that bad. This May isn't anyway.

We got each other's back and everybody knows it; me and my down home boys.

2015-03-29T22:23:00.003-04:00

I love my girls more than anything. When times are tough, they're right by my side to lend an ear. I wouldn't be where I am without their advice, their shoulders to lean on, or their constant comfort and inspiration. I could not be luckier to have such great friends.

However, there's something about a guy best friend that is unlike any other friendship. First of all, there's way less drama. With guys everything is always just fun.

I got lucky. When I started sixth grade I met a group of guys that made my world a better place. They made me laugh harder than anyone. When I was upset (which was all the time back then), they were there to pick up the pieces. They always gave me a good time. They were my guys and I was their girl who was just another one of the guys. They were my best friends.

Time went on and we got closer. We all stayed inseparable through middle school. When we got to high school we added on to our little group, while separating a little as well. We were still close, but we each had our own group of friends. However, no matter what I was always able to call them if I needed them and they would be there.

Flash forward to college. We stayed in touch, Skyped often, and then eventually drifted. That's a lie. We didn't drift. I got a boyfriend who didn't allow me to have friends who were guys. So, I shut each and every one of them out. Not my proudest moment, especially when none of them had ever shut me out when they had girlfriends. Then I got sick, and they tried to check in. Still being with my boyfriend, I ignored them all.

After we finally broke up, I started to get in touch with my friends again. I'm not sure I ever apologized to them, but I hope they know it was by far my biggest regret. I let go of people who had done nothing but keep me together for 7 years. We would talk from time to time, but it wasn't until this past summer that we all finally reconnected and hung out. Last summer was my favorite because I got to spend the majority of my weekends with my best friends. I felt included again. I felt cared for again. I felt whole again.

Some of us hadn't seen each other in 5 years, and we still picked up right where we left off. I just saw them all again this last weekend for the first time since summer, and again, nothing had changed. We laughed like we always do. We had fun like we always do. There's something about guy friends that can't be compared to anything else. I can be myself around them without judgment or without being looked down upon. They like to have fun, and sometimes that's all a girl needs when she is going through a hard time. I don't always want to talk about my feelings and vent. Sometimes I just want to let lose and laugh and that's what those boys do for me. However, if there ever is a time when I genuinely want to talk, their ears are always open. I am forever grateful for that.

So Mike, Quinn, Samir, Dan, Steve, Alex, and Peter- Thank you for being the absolute best guy friends that I've ever had. Some have come and gone, but you 7 have always remained someway and somehow. I hope you know how special you are to me, and that I would do absolutely anything for you. Thank you for making me laugh until I can't breathe. Thank you for getting absolutely shitty with me when I need to let loose. Thank you for always listening to me if I need it, and for always reminding me that I deserve better. Thank you for being exactly who you are. Thank you for 12 years of memories, and many more to come. Now here's some embarrassing pictures that we can all look back on and laugh at.

Then...

And now..

Because honestly I just don't care.

2015-03-16T18:11:00.000-04:00

This is going to be very honest. I'm not going to hold back, sugar coat things, or make it try and sound appropriate when it isn't. This is what I've become.

I think we all have that relationship that ends and ruins us. I mean, unless you're like my best friend Annan who has been with the same boy since 8th grade, most of us have that one relationship/fling/boy that just completely changes who we are; who we've always been.

For a while I just assumed that relationship for me was Jared. When things ended with us a part of me felt like I couldn't go on. I was severely depressed for months and months. There's a small part of me that still feels like I'm not over the pain I was dealt and a part of me that still hurts knowing someone could've treated me like that. I was sad, I was able to get angry as time went on, and then I was over it. I remained who I've always been through that break-up. I was sad, but I was still the same goody two shoes I had always been. I was quiet, kind, and a homebody. Nothing about that relationship and break-up changed me besides the fact that I became a hell of a lot stronger from it.

My break-up with Matt was my choice, and I'm not sure I shed a single tear. That sounds cold and heartless, but it's just the truth. That relationship to me was almost non-existent and sometimes I wish I could forget it ever happened. Nothing came out of it- I didn't get hurt, I didn't fall in love, I barely felt at all. Guess that makes me as much of a dick as all of my ex-boyfriends. Oh well.

Zack was different. We weren't together for a very long time, and my two prior relationships had been longer. I guess most would look at it and call it a fling. Okay, whatever, that's fine. However, I felt more in that "fling" than my first two "real" relationships. That kid made me happier than I had ever been with a guy. That kid made me feel like someone could actually give a shit about me. That kid made me believe that for once in my life I got what I deserved. That kid was a fucking liar. That is the kid who wrecked me. That is the relationship/fling/guy who changed me.

At first, I was heartbroken. I cried for days, even weeks. Then when I found out he moved on so fast after promising me that he simply didn't want a relationship with ANYONE, I got angry. I got so angry that I stopped caring. Not only did I stop caring about him, I stopped caring about everything.

I've been on a roll the last few weeks/month. I've either been in class, teaching, babysitting, dog sitting, doing homework that's not due for weeks to come, shopping, busting my fucking ass at the gym, cooking, etc. I rarely sit around doing nothing. I don't have time for that. If I stop, I may break. And I don't want to break.

I go to the gym every single day. I eat healthy 95% of the time. I have this new obsessive need to be fit and have a good body because I feel so shitty about myself. How can you not when someone basically throws in your face that your feelings don't matter and that you are not good enough?

I've been on this high and I'm so scared to come down. I don't talk to people about it because I want everyone to think all is fine. It is fine. I'll be fine. I'm just so sick of not feeling good enough.

All I want to do is drink and party. I've never been like this. However, I guess this was the one who made me feel like being a good girl isn't going to get me what I want and isn't good enough. I feel this overwhelming need to do things I would never normally do, and I don't give two fucks about it. I want to smoke and drink and hook up with people and for once in my life not give a shit. This is not who I am. This is who you turned me into.

I haven't actually done these things. Yes I've drank since the break-up, but not as much as it's crossed my mind. I'm not saying I would ever act on this person I feel like I'm becoming, I'm just saying that the thoughts are there and the person I used to be- the person I was proud to be- is slowly dwindling away. I'm not sure how to get her back. You took any confidence I had when you completely fucked me over out of nowhere.

And on top of it all I somehow lost one of my best friends out of nowhere, with no explanation. I give up on believing that people are still good. I used to think I was one of them. Now, I just don't know anymore.

I never believed that someone could hurt you so bad that you stopped trusting people, you stopped believing in people, and you became cold. Even when Jared completely shattered me, I still believed that one day I would find love, or someone to care about me. I've never been in love apparently. And honestly, I'm not even sure it even exists. If it does, I'm not sure I want anything to do with it. You all can take your lies and abuse and go to hell.

End rant.

Back when I was care-free and happy. Take me back.

I've got friends in low places.

2015-03-11T20:03:00.000-04:00

I am stuck in a rut. My therapist says it's my age, and that I'll eventually figure it all out. Right now I'm lonely, bored, and wishing for some kind of change.

I'm almost 23 years old. All of my friends have pretty much graduated from college and are moving on with their lives; getting their masters, have actual jobs, moving away, etc. I'm stuck here. Still trying to just get through school one day at a time, feeling like I'll never finish.

Not once in my life have I ever wanted to party. I've never felt the overwhelming need to drink, smoke, go to a club or a bar, or do something crazy and fun. I've played it safe for 22 and a half years. Don't get me wrong, I definitely had fun. But it was a different kind of fun. One that didn't involve going out, a bunch of people, and partying.

I'm almost 23. I just got my heart crushed two months ago, and moving on from that has been far more difficult than I'm letting people believe. There are still days it's really hard. However, you know the reason for that break up? I'm "too good." Whatever the hell that means. AKA I play it too safe. AKA I'm not fun. AKA I'm too much of a goody goody. That opened my eyes.

I'm not about to change- absolutely not. I am who I am, and it's who I've always been. However, I'm finding myself wanting to do all of the things I never got to do- mostly because of cancer, but also because I never felt the need. I'm at a point where I want to go out on the weekends. I want to go to a bar with my friends and have a few drinks, a few laughs, and maybe talk to someone new. I want excitement. I want to go away for a weekend with friends, or travel somewhere on a whim because it seems fun. I want to have ADVENTURE with people I love. I want to let go of this fear inside of me and for once live my damn life. I'm sick of being the "conservative girl." I want to live.

The problem? I don't have anyone to do it with. I lose friends like it's my job. Mostly my fault- my expectations are too high and when people aren't there for me like I am for them, I get angry. I shut people out. And what does it get me? It gets me here- sitting on the couch at 7:45 on a Wednesday bored out of my mind. I can count a solid two or three people who have been consistently there for me. Other than that, who knows when people will come and go. When it's convenient for them, that's when.

I miss middle school and high school when I had Morgan, Mike, Quinn, Dakota, Samir, Steve, Alex, etc. They were my backbones. They were there for me no matter what. I had fun with them. They were my people. I know I can still call them when I need something, and we have too much fun in the summer, but I miss them as consistent and constant friends. They were the real deal.

I'm thankful for Keene- it brought me to Annan and she hasn't left my side since the day I met her- even when I pushed her away. She's my person now.

I just want to have fun, but everyone's so busy. I get it, I'm busy too. I just wish life was simpler and we all had money and could do fun things and hang out and be friends- real friends.

I get angry when people aren't there for me in ways that I am there for them. However, I also get angry when people are up my ass. Leave me alone for two seconds. I am my own person, and you are your own. We have separate lives. I don't need anyone getting mad because I take too long to answer, or hang out with other people, or don't include them in every aspect of my life. It's MY life. Don't suffocate me. I'm single for a reason. I don't need friends who act like boyfriends either.

It's my fault that I'm stuck here. I wish I could flash forward a few years when I have this all figured out. Or go back a few years and actually enjoy myself and the people around me. I'm finally ready to let loose and have fun, and now everyone has responsibilities. The real world sucks. Growing up sucks.

To the ones who stayed true, no matter how awful I was to deal with, I love you for that. You know who you are.

I'll figure it out eventually.

Sometimes I wish I could start over completely.

My favorite memories from the past all involve you guys, so thank you for that.

10 things to do and 45 songs to get over someone who doesn't deserve another second of your time.

2015-02-27T11:12:00.001-05:00

I've been single for a little over a month now. I can already say that I am moving on- something a month ago I didn't think I'd say this soon. How did I do it? It was simple.

(If you are trying to get over the first person you loved or dated, this will not help you. Trust me, that one is going to be a doozie. That one took me a year and a half to finally let go- good luck!)

If you're going through a break up that wasn't your choice, wasn't something you wanted, and wasn't something that NEEDED to be done, here are a few things you should do to heal that broken heart-

1. GO TO THE GYM- Work out, and work out hard. Eat healthy. Drink a lot of water. Run. RUN, RUN, RUN! Lift. Do squats. Crunch until you can't crunch anymore. I promise you that you will feel better about yourself. It doesn't matter if you NEED to work out or not. Just work out and get healthy. Make them regret ever letting you go. Plus, now you can kick their ass if you need to.

2. LEAN ON YOUR FRIENDS- Lean on your friends as much as you need to. When the thoughts begin to flood your mind and take over, text someone. Anyone. Talk about how sad you are, or ask them to tell you a story to take your mind off of it. Do whatever works for you, but don't shut your friends out. Let them in, and lean on them. Before you know it you won't need to lean anymore, and you'll be standing strong on your own.

3. GO TO A CONCERT- This one may be tough depending on the timing, but if you have the chance to go to a concert of a band or artist that you enjoy, do it. Let loose for a night. Scream those lyrics at the top of your lungs. If a song comes on that reminds you of the person who broke your heart, scream how much you hate them on the top of your lungs. I promise you will feel better.

4. GET DRUNK- I don't believe alcohol is the answer or that it solves problems, because I promise you will still be single when you wake up. However, letting loose and having fun for a night or two never hurt anyone. This may help you do something you normally wouldn't, like finally stop being so uptight and have FUN (if you're anything like me).

5. TRAVEL- This is another one that may be tough, but if you can go somewhere- anywhere- do it. I was lucky enough to be going to Disney less than a week after my heart was crushed. No better place to start the healing process than the happiest place on earth right?

6. CRY- Sulk, cry, and be sad. However, know when it's time to pick your head up and carry on. You still have to go to school. You still have to go to work. You still have to get shit done. Cry it out, but don't cry forever.

7. DON'T TEXT THEM- Don't do it. I made that mistake. The problem is is that they will have you thinking you can stay friends with them, or that they still care somewhere deep down. But they don't want to be your friend, and they don't care. They're already out there moving on and making you look like a damn fool. Put the phone down. Find a friend you can text when you want to text them. It may be hard, but you'll be glad later.

8. DON'T BE FRIENDS- Don't be friends with them. It won't work. They'll just tell you a bunch of lies anyway and soon you'll realize they're the worst "friend" there is. You have friends- cut the asshole/bitch out.

9. FIND A HOBBY- Find something you've always wanted to do but couldn't because you were too busy or never got around to it. Rearrange your room or reorganize your things. Focus on school and kicking ass. Paint something. Build something. Volunteer somewhere. SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

10. LISTEN TO MUSIC- Don't just listen to music, but belt that shit out until your throat hurts. You may start off by listening to sad songs that remind you of them- that's okay. You may find yourself crying because every word reminds you of them- that's okay. But after you do that for a week or two, please change your playlist to songs that are angry, and songs that you can scream. They will make you feel better I promise. I even compiled a list at the end for you- these are just a few of the songs that got me through.

Getting over someone and moving forward isn't easy. I know that how it feels to feel like it's never going to get better. It's extremely difficult especially when it ends out of nowhere and there were no real issues. They said all the right things all along. Everything was actually perfect. But I promise, soon you will find out things, and those things will make you angry. That's when the music comes in. That's when it gets easier to move on. Because you deserve better. You deserve someone who won't lie to you. You deserve someone who won't turn around and find someone else in a matter of minutes. You deserve someone who is a decent friggen human being. You deserve to be HAPPY.

It gets better- you need to believe that. I am completely shocked I was able to let go this fast. I thought this was going to be the one that took me forever to get over. However, everyone's a lying sack of shit so that definitely helps move things along. Go do you. Go be happy. Go live your life. No regrets. Nothing to hold you back.

45 songs to get you so angry that you forget about that lying/cheating/abusive son of a bitch-

Get Even- Brad Paisley
Karate- Brad Paisley
You Lie- The Band Perry
Miss You Being Gone- The Band Perry
Songs Like This- Carrie Underwood
Before He Cheats- Carrie Underwood
Good Girl- Carrie Underwood
Cowboy Casanova- Carrie Underwood
Wasted- Carrie Underwood
Undo It- Carrie Underwood
Flat on the Floor- Carrie Underwood
New Strings- Miranda Lambert
Gunpowder and Lead- Miranda Lambert
White Liar- Miranda Lambert
Two Rings Shy- Miranda Lambert
Baggage Claim- Miranda Lambert
Mama's Broken Heart- Miranda Lambert
You're Not Sorry- Taylor Swift
Better Than Revenge- Taylor Swift
Bartender- Lady Antebellum
Long Gone- Lady Antebellum
Better Off Now That You're Gone- Lady Antebellum
Love Don't Live Here- Lady Antebellum
Everything Back But You- Avril Lavigne
Best Days of Your Life- Kellie Pickler
Red High Heels- Kellie Pickler
25 to Life- Eminem
No Love- Eminem
Riding Solo- Jason Derulo
Been There Done That- Luke Bryan
Ain't Worth the Whiskey- Cole Swindell
All I Want- Darius Rucker
Cheatin'- Sara Evans
Without You- Hinder
Heartless- Hinder
Thank You- Simple Plan
Since You've Been Gone- Kelly Clarkson
You Oughta Know- Alanis Morissette
Hand In My Pocket- Alanis Morissette
You Learn- Alanis Morissette
So What- Pink
Fuck It- Eamon
Irreplaceable- Beyonce
Fuck You- Cee Lo Green
What I Meant to Say- Daughtry

Dealing with heartache when you're an over-emotional girl who pretends to be tough.

2015-02-14T10:11:00.000-05:00

When I get my heart broken, which has only happened twice now, I go through the same stages each time.

1. I cry. And cry, and cry, and cry.
2. I get mad, or I pretend that I'm over it.
3. I act like all I want to do is have fun and be single forever.
4. I realize that's a lie and I get sad again.
Cycle repeats until I'm over them.

Being over-emotional about everything absolutely blows. When I'm happy, I'm over-the-moon. When I'm sad, it's hard to see that it will get better. I feel things with such great intensity that it makes it hard to not get overwhelmed. Sometimes I wish I could deal with heartbreak like a lot of other people I see.

I wish I could just up and move on. I wish I could get angry and go out and hook up with other people and find someone else. I wish I could go out and have fun and party and drink until I'm over it. I wish I could not feel.

However, that is not me; that will never be me. I will always be the girl who wallows and depends on her friends to pick her up. When my friends aren't there, I will always be the girl who fights like hell and picks myself up. I will not start dating or talking to another guy in that way until I am 100% sure that I'm over the last one. I will never use someone to get over someone else. I will never be the party girl who hooks up with a million guys hoping to ease the pain. I will always be the girl who sits at home, has fun with her friends, and secretly hopes the guy will find his way back before it's too late. That never happens. So eventually, I move on.

I know I'm a good person. Sometimes, I think it's a fault. I am kind to everyone. If someone screws me over, I will still be there if they needed me. I keep secrets and promises. When I say I care, I mean it. I am always there to listen and try and give my best advice. I will always try to make people laugh when they need it. I am honest and loyal and that will never change.

So when someone tells you they don't want you, it doesn't matter their reasoning. They may agree with everything I listed above, but how is that still not supposed to hurt? Rejection is rejection. And when you're over-emotional like me, it still fucking hurts. I know I'm a good person; I just wish someone else knew it too and actually wanted a good person.

I'm safe. I'm not an overly-fun person. I'm not the first person to get on a plane to go skydiving. I'm not always up for new and exciting adventures. I'm petrified of anything that could potentially get me in trouble or be illegal. I'm not very spontaneous. That's why I need someone who is all of those things. I need someone who is kind, and respectful, and funny; but they also need to bring me out of my shell. They need to encourage me to have fun, but also be okay if it's too far out of my comfort zone. I need someone who will take me on adventures and do fun things with me. Because I want to have fun. I want adventure. I want someone who makes me a better version of myself. I had that- I lost it.

For the first time in my entire life I felt like I was with someone who I deserved, and who made ME better. My whole life I dated guys who needed fixing. They needed me. I tried like hell to make them better people. However, they did nothing for me. They abused me, or didn't give a shit about it, or never tried. I deserved better. So when I finally found someone who made me better, but who I also felt like I could make better too, I felt happy. I finally felt like there was a balance that worked. I guess not. I lost something I finally felt like I deserved, and now I'm angry and sad because I don't know when it'll be my turn again. I don't want to have to settle. Ever.

It hurts- it hurts a lot. Anyone else who is over-emotional will understand that. It doesn't get easier, you just learn to deal with the pain. I will be okay eventually- I always am. I guess it's just time to take off the tough guy, "I'm never gonna care about anyone again and I'm just staying single forever because fuck relationships" attitude and accept the fact that I'm hurting, and that's just who I am. We all know this won't make me never try with anyone again. We all know I'm a giant softy and have a heart made of gold not ice. Sometimes I just think it would be easier if it was.

Just remember my three favorite words I remind myself of everyday- It. Gets. Better.

Here's to hoping it gets better soon.

Love yourself first; always.

2015-01-04T21:50:00.000-05:00

I read something the other day that someone had written that listed some of the things they learned in life. One of them was, "Your first love should be yourself." I have not stopped thinking about this since.

It makes sense. Before you can truly love someone else, you first must love yourself. This is something I have always believed. However, if I really do believe this, have I ever truly been in love?

Looking back, how can you possibly love someone who makes you feel so horrible about yourself? If I really did love and respect myself, I never would have stayed longer than a month in that relationship. Yet somehow, I lasted nine. There is no possible way I could have loved myself and let someone walk all over me like a doormat, or break me down until there was nothing left of me but tears and heartache. So was it really love? Love should not be that cruel.

Flash forward almost a year and a half. I thought I had found a new respect for myself. I told myself I would never let someone treat me that poorly ever again. I kept that promise. No one else has emotionally abused me to the point where I could not think for myself. However, I let myself stay in a relationship that didn't make me over-the-moon happy. I never felt like I was a priority; not once. I never felt like how I felt mattered in any way. I was not being yelled at or talked down to on a daily basis, but I was not being treated how people in relationships deserve to be treated. It took me until this summer to realize that I deserve better, and for once to do whatever it took to make sure I got what I deserved. So I ask myself again, was it really love? Well I can answer this one very easily- absolutely not. I don't believe you can get over "love" as easily as I did with that one.

So here I am. Am I finally ready to accept what I deserve, and not settle for anything less? Do I finally love myself enough to someday love somebody else? I believe so. So maybe in my 22 years of life, I've never actually been in love, because until now I've never really loved myself.

Love may not always be super easy, but it definitely should not be super hard.

I think I so badly wanted to feel something and have that love story, that I convinced myself of feelings that were never actually there. Here's to hoping for someday.

It doesn't matter if you're a girl or you're a boy. Everyone deserves to be loved in the best way possible. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect by their significant other, and everyone deserves to be put on a pedestal and shown off to the world. Never settle for anything that doesn't give you butterflies, or that doesn't keep you awake at night because you're too happy to sleep. Don't settle. I promise you will regret it.

Now this right there- that's love.

Unbelievably thankful.

2014-11-26T22:03:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, so why not write about what I'm thankful for?

First and foremost- my health. Three years ago I was unable to even celebrate Thanksgiving because I was in so much pain. I am so thankful to be cancer-free for my second Thanksgiving in a row. My health will always be my number one priority, because I know what it feels like to have it completely crumble in front of your eyes.

My family and my friends. I can't explain how thankful I am for the true few friends I have that just want to see me happy. I've been so busy with school lately, and I'm so glad I have friends that can understand that rather than be upset that I don't have time to do anything. So in case I haven't said it lately, thank you all and I love you. You keep me sane. And my family? They literally do everything for me, and I will never be able to repay them for that. I am the luckiest.

School is almost done. I am kicking ass at getting all of my final assignments done before they're due. I cannot wait to relax in two weeks. This semester has completely kicked my ass, and I can't wait until it's in the past.

Someone who treats me right. Zack and I have only known each other for a little over 3 months, only been talking for about 2, and have only been hanging out for about 1. Really? I feel like I've known this guy forever. We talk about everything and anything, and he makes me laugh until my sides hurt. When I'm having a bad day, a text comes in from him that gives me this stupid smile on my face and I can't even remember why I was upset in the first place. He is honest with me about everything, and he makes me feel like it's okay to be myself. He knows so many of my quirks, and likes me anyway. He constantly tells me that there's no need for me to be shy or nervous about anything. He goes out of his way to comfort me and make me feel safe. He actually listens to me. He remembers things I say, no matter how long ago it was. He actually misses me when we're not together, and looks forward to the days that he can see me. He encourages me to keep going when I want to quit. He pushes me to be the person I want to be. He takes me out of my comfort zone, but allows me to crawl right back in if I get too overwhelmed. He is everything I'm not, and everything that makes sense. It hasn't been that long, but I can't even explain how he makes me feel. He is kind, hilarious, smart, sarcastic, carefree, strong, and genuine. I am so happy he came into my life. After a history of losers and heartache, I am so thankful to have someone in my life that I can trust, and can be myself around. Who knows what will happen, but if things continue like they have been, this could be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The good in my life definitely outweighs the bad, and everyday I am so thankful for that. Here's to being 100% happy for the first time in a long, long time.

I can breathe again.

2014-10-21T21:16:00.000-04:00

I can't explain how happy I am. The last time I was this genuinely happy was... I can't even remember.

This will be the last time I talk about Matt, but I think this will explain why I wasted over a year of my life not being 100% happy.

My first real relationship was with someone who broke me down until I could no longer think for myself. He knew every weakness of mine, and used it against me. He emotionally abused me until there was nothing left but a broken heart. When we were good, I was happy. However, I think I spent more time crying or screaming than I did smiling. I guess that's what happens when you fight for hours on a daily basis. Looking back, now that I can see clearly, it was horrible. However, it definitely taught me what I will never accept again, and what I never want ever again.

It took me far too long to get over a relationship that was that abusive. I guess that's why it's called abuse though. It completely fucks with your mind and there is no easy way out. There is no easy way to move on.

Fast forward a year and three months and I meet Matt. We became decent friends. I'd call us school friends for sure. As the semester went on we became closer. We started texting, calling, and talking more. Finally we hung out. He was nice to me. He wasn't verbally abusive, or crazy, or jealous. He was just nice. He didn't go way out of his way, or do over-the-top sweet things, but he was nice. I started to fall for him. It was nice to be with someone who didn't make me hate myself.

But that was it. He was nice. Time went on, and the effort seemed to only lack more. However, it was okay because through it all he was nice. I was able to have my own life, as well as a relationship, and that was good too. I never felt like I was a number one priority, except maybe on Sundays. Other than that, I felt like if he could fit me in his schedule for the day with a phone call or even a text then it was a good day. But that wasn't always the case. We could go a few days without a single word. It seemed a little odd to me, but hey he was nice.

It was probably around December where I officially got sick and tired of the lack of effort and all around respect. I felt like weed and smoking with his friends came before me, now even on Sundays. I would tell him again and again that I was upset about A, B, and C, and he was super nice about it. However, things never seemed to really change.

The physical aspect faded quick, if it was even ever there at all. I should've got out as soon as I noticed that, but he was nice so I didn't think the physical aspect mattered all that much. Turns out, it does. I spent a year dating a best friend. And not in a cute, aw you love your best friend. I was literally dating a best friend, with nothing else there. There was nothing cute about it. It was boring. It was a friendship. It was a waste of time for both of us.

I went from a highly abusive relationship to a guy who was actually nice to me and didn't yell at me every day. I think I so badly wanted to hang onto that, and I didn't know any different. Who knew you could actually have passion for someone who was nice to you? Who knew that there are guys out there who will actually talk to you on a daily basis? Who knew that there are guys out there who actually listen to what you say, and get this.. THEY REMEMBER! Who knew that there are guys out there who actually seem to care about you, your feelings, and how your day is going? I had no idea there was more to a good relationship than the guy just being "nice."

Turns out, I'm not sure he was even that "nice." He wasn't mean, that's for sure. But did he even really care? I'm not sure.

Zack is not my boyfriend. Zack and I are talking and hanging out. Dating maybe? But we are not in an official relationship. So why is he nicer, sweeter, more affectionate, more caring, and a better listener than my ex of a year? We've been talking for about a month now, and he's held my hand more than Matt ever did. He's called me babe probably 40x more than Matt ever did. He's complimented my appearance in one way or another on almost a daily basis, which I think is about 30x more than Matt ever did. HE'S NOT EVEN MY BOYFRIEND.

When I hang out with Zack, I have this stupid smile on my face that never leaves. He makes me laugh, really laugh. He makes me feel wanted, and I'm not sure I've ever genuinely felt that before. He is outspoken and honest about everything. He's everything I'm not, and everything that someone like me needs. He pulls me out of my comfort zone, but not in a threatening and pressuring way. He makes me feel safe. Again, who knows where this is going. However, so far my days are filled with happiness; and that is something I don't want to lose.

We both have a past. They may be quite different, but they're still a struggle. We know how it feels to be at our lowest, and can therefore appreciate life a little more and the high moments. He opens up to me, and I appreciate that more than anything. He makes me feel comfortable enough to tell him just about anything and that's not normal for me. I never want to settle for anything less than pure happiness ever again. I think I got it right this time, and I just hope it lasts long enough to really enjoy it.

So this is what happiness feels like.

2014-09-21T21:07:00.001-04:00

I have never moved on this fast from anything or anyone in my entire life.

If I could go back and do it all over again, I never would've stayed as long as I did. What a waste of time. I was 100% over it before it was even over. I guess it just goes to show the lack of effort on your part. You gave me absolutely nothing in every aspect of our relationship, and I'm not even sorry.

People may think it's weird that I was in a relationship for a year and I've already met someone new; especially since I never understand how people do that. I never believed you could be in love one day, and not the next. However, I guess that just means it wasn't right. I'm moving on, and I can't remember the last time I was this happy.

Have you ever met someone, and from the moment you saw them you just got a weird feeling? And then you actually talk to them, and realize you're attracted to more than just their appearance? Look are nice, but if someone has the ability to have me see past that and be more attracted to their personality, that's way better.

From a physical perspective, he could not be more my type. Literally from head to toe he is everything I've been talking about and looking for. However, the more we talked the more I realized that he is so much more than that. I know some people in my life find it odd, but I really don't. I just got a gut feeling the first time I met him, and I knew there had to be a reason I couldn't get it out of my mind.

We've only been talking for almost a week now. I have no idea where this is going, but I do know that I'm willing to go along for the ride. If it works and something comes out of it, then that's great and I will be glad I followed my instincts. If it doesn't work and it becomes nothing, well I'll just be glad I gave it a shot.

Everything you say is perfect. We love the same things. We seem to have very similar personalities. I thought this was too good to be true and maybe he was just saying what he thought I would want to hear. However, as the week went on I felt more and more that he was being for real. He told me things that he never would have told me if he only told me what I wanted to hear. Things got very real last night, and it gave me a whole new perspective.

I can't even list all of the things that make me happy. I just can't wait to get to know him even more, and see where things go.

I am so thankful for the few that I have that are so supportive, and only want me to be happy.

All I need now is therapy to go smoothly and help me fix the wedding and Renee issues and I will be 100% at peace..

I haven't smiled like this is way too long.

Free and easy down the road I go.

2014-09-07T22:22:00.000-04:00

This last week or two has been very difficult. However, it has been extremely stress-relieving as well. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel like I can breathe again. I feel like I can live again. I feel free.

I would have to say that this last year of my life has been the weirdest one. I used to say it was the best one, but I don't think that's the case. It was 365 days of me desperately trying to feel something that I didn't. I tried to numb the feeling, or rather deal with the lack-there-of. When people try and ask me what went wrong, or what happened, I can't give a straight forward answer. It just wasn't right. It's as simple as that.

I'm going to talk about Jared for a second, and if you don't like that then you can stop reading.

With Jared, it all came so easily. I could literally talk to him about anything. I've said things to him that I couldn't believe ever came out of my mouth. I was timid at first, as always, but as I warmed up there was no turning back. I was 300% comfortable with him in every aspect of our relationship. That's how you know it's a good one. If I'm with you for a year, and I felt more with my ex-boyfriend after only two months, there's an issue.

Don't get me wrong, I know Jared and my relationship wasn't "a good one." But the chemistry was undeniable. We connected on every level possible, which is what made it a "great" relationship at the time. I know it was a big problem, but the only problem we had was his anger and inability to trust anything that breathed. When we were good, we were incredible. The words he has said to me, have yet to compare to anything anyone else has ever said to me (the good words of course). On the other hand, the hurt that I have felt from that relationship has yet to compare to any hurt I've ever felt. No matter what the feeling was, good or bad, with Jared I felt it 310%. That's how I want my forever relationship to feel (minus the crazy yelling and fighting and crying 22/7).

So how come I was in my longest relationship ever, and when it was over it was considered "a bummer." I think I cried because I felt bad. But after day two I don't think I've shed a tear. With Jared, I laid in bed for 3 months sobbing. I continued to cry over a year later. I still cry thinking about it (okay, I realize how pathetic this is).

I'm not a big romantic. I actually get uncomfortable when someone gives me flowers- but Jared did it anyway. I sometimes don't know how to react to someone spilling their heart out to me on more than one occasion- but Jared did it anyway. Sometimes I get nervous telling people how I feel- but with Jared I did.. every day. I don't need to celebrate every month anniversary, especially at age 22- but with Jared he made every month a big deal (probably because it was miracle we made it that far).

But when our one year came around two months ago, it was as if it was just another regular day. I don't want that.

I want someone who wants to celebrate having me in their life as long as they have, and vice versa. I want someone to randomly send me super cute texts telling me why they love me. I want someone who will fucking hold my hand in the car, in public, in general. I want someone who would appreciate if I decided to write them a cute little note during class, or when I'm bored at home. I want someone who will appreciate every little thing I do for them, big or small, and is willing to do the same in return. I WANT SOMEONE WHO MAKES SOME KIND OF EFFORT AND WOULDN'T MIND SEEING ME MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK. I want so much more than what you were giving me. I deserve more.

I'm an easy-to-please girl. I don't ask for much. But I was getting nothing. And eventually I had to make a decision for myself, and only myself. And I did. And I have zero regrets.

I need to find someone new. They need to wear work boots in the appropriate weather (Fall-Spring). They need to look good in baseball hats. They need to like sports, and love their time with the boys. They need to be funny- hilarious even. They need to make me laugh, smile, blush, and remember what a great relationship feels like. I need butterflies, and I need them to not die out. I need them to be manly, without being overly cocky. I need them to like country music. I need them to respect me. I need them to make an effort. I need them to care.

I am happy. I am loving life with my friends, and focusing on myself. I will just sit back and wait, and hope that the right guy comes along soon. I will not get desperate. I will patiently wait, in hopes that he shows up when I least expect it. I refuse to settle ever again. No regrets.

Be all in or get out.

2014-08-26T14:25:00.001-04:00

Everyone has a breaking point. Hell, I've reached mine 100 times in my life. I give out second, third, fourth, and 80th chances. However, sometimes it becomes too much to handle. Sometimes there comes a point when there's nothing else you can do, and you have to cut ties and move on. Alone.

I'm at that point. I haven't been this depressed since high school. I am 100% not happy. What makes it even worse is that you don't even care. Not even a little bit. If you did, you would have tried way harder to help me fix this by now. But here I am, still upset about the same damn thing. It hasn't changed. It never will.

Is it because you don't understand the severity of my pain? Is it because you think I'm just being my over-dramatic self? Is it because you just aren't listening to the words I'm saying? Or is it because you simply don't care?

Regardless if you agree with my reasons that I am upset, the fact of the matter is that it's there. The pain is there. The feeling of not even wanting to be a part of this family anymore because I'm just getting in the way of everyone else's happiness is real. This is tearing my family apart little by little, and it could be fixed so easily. SO easily. I'm not asking for every single part of you, and to your one and only friend and the only person in your life who matters. I'm asking for a sliver. A tiny piece. Microscopic. Something more than texting. Getting lunch once in a while. Going to the mall or running a few errands together. Friend things. Nothing dramatic. Nothing life-altering. Nothing that will take you away from your family and your other friends. Just a little effort.

When your feelings are completely disregarded, I promise you there is no worse feeling. When you are constantly told everything that you do wrong, instead of trying to be understood, it sucks. It makes you hate yourself. It makes you embarrassed. It makes you want to leave it all behind and start new somewhere else. I feel like the worst person in the entire world, because I'm the only one blamed for anything wrong in any altercation. I'm a pretty easy-going person. I'm easy to please. When I go completely crazy and freak out, it's because I feel there's a reason for it. If that reason was resolved, it wouldn't happen. Believe it or not, I am not a complete psychopath.

I want all or nothing. I refuse to be some hidden friendship that no one's allowed to know about. That is kept secret by texts, and is never acknowledged to anyone else. If you can't tell someone that you're going to run an errand with me, going out to eat with, or just hanging out with for an afternoon then I don't want any part of it. I don't want to have any ties what-so-ever. I will civil when we're forced to be in the same room, but other than that I don't want anything. If I can't get a once or twice a month effort to hang out, then I want nothing at all. I refused to be shoved in the corner. I refused to be made to feel like absolute shit.

I'm sick of feeling depressed and I'm so sick of my feelings always being the ones to have to be brushed under the rug. I either want to actually fix it, or I want to leave. I will remove myself from the equation. Because nothing is worth feeling this badly about yourself. NOTHING.

My whole life is a complete mess right now. I have no idea what I want anymore. I am crying just about 24/7. I am overwhelmed by depressing thoughts and the idea that everyone would be better off if I just packed up and left tomorrow and went somewhere else. I have this heavy pressure that is constantly on my chest, and a constant lump in my throat. Why don't you care how upset I am, and why can't you just for once try to understand and be willing to help me fix this? Why do I feel so alone?

I'm not trying to replace anyone. I'm asking for a tiny part. But congratulations you all win. Because you can have 100%. I'm fine with nothing.

Hey, at least I'll be back in therapy soon. Let's all thank the Lord for that one.

I am done. 110% DONE.

Not ready.

2014-08-19T18:38:00.003-04:00

I've been in a funk lately. I've been feeling things and going through things that I'm not ready to talk about yet. I've briefly mentioned them to Annan, but I need to wait to full-out talk about it in person. I know she will be able to relate to me, and I know she will listen and help me through it without judgement. I just want to feel better, and to get on with my life and be my old, happy self again.

Summer is coming to an end once again, and the weight on my shoulders lately is unbearable. I'm stressed, I'm tired, and I'm busy. I just want to let loose and have some fun, but I have to accept the fact that those days of my summer are over. And man, they were some good ones.

I just wish I could go back to the night of Luke Bryan and live it over and over again. I was so carefree. I was having such a good time. I was being social and outgoing. I was beyond happy. I wish I could feel like that everyday.

I'm just over this feeling.

At least these three girls never fail to make me smile, and to keep me going. Having them for five days straight made everything so much better.