Good Tidings

You Can See It In Their Eyes

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Cait Finnegan) — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 07:19:00 +0000

Pain and shame! You can see both in their eyes! If they are on the road to healing, you'll see anger growing, and that's a good thing! St. Augustine tells us that anger is the beginning of courage. All wounded people need to harness anger to heal. There is a need to harness it, and add hope to it, and onward they go! So that negative cycles of abuse won't repeat throughout their lives, it's important they come to understand their own situations, and to understand that vulnerability draws abusive men or women to them like a magnet.

Obviously we all know now that there are men in the priesthood, as well as brothers and sisters, who are there for the wrong reasons. I'm not talking about the good priests here. Sadly they are too often overlooked because the good they do gets overshadowed by the "priests of the lie." The latter who abuse may begin as innocent victims themselves, or simply be dealing with the repressed sexuality--but for the benefit of those we are helping it doesn't matter why their abusers were in that place of power, but it is important to know they were, recognize it, and be able to recognize the dynamics should they happen again. This stuff is about power OVER--rather than the power of love FOR others--which is the true call of priesthood and religious life. These abusers are so screwed up spiritually, as well as psychologically they lose all memory of what their life is SUPPOSED to reflect. They become obsessed with what they cannot have, and the women, just like the children who are abused by pedophiles, become objects to satisfy their needs, not humans deserving of respect--and Christian charity.

The fact that these are adult women does NOT make their relationships loving ones! Love never abuses! If a priest falls in love (which does happen--we need only look at the men in CORPUS, and those like it around the world, who did the right thing), he takes the measure to seek spiritual guidance, counseling, and have the integrity to leave the priesthood and not just go on to "stay and play."

We can pick out the playboys because they rarely if ever stop at one woman! They have a series of women through their entire priestly life, and often it does not even begin until they reach middle age. The Church manages to use their youthful zeal to keep them too busy to remember what they gave up. But when middle age hits, and REAL loneliness sets in, if these men are not called by GOD to celibacy (as opposed to celibacy demanded by the Vatican) they really face the struggle of a lifetime. Some leave for all the right reasons, others just make do, and can't give up the 3 squares and a roof to try to earn a living. They may not be bad men, but it is a slippery slope once they forget why they are there, and ignore their promise (to obey the celibacy requirement on Latin Rite priests) and disregard Christian Chastity entirely. Women become the easy targets for their adolescent experimentation which goes on forever because men such as they generally just don't grow up unless they decide to do so and take all the right steps.

What support groups offer is extremely important--peer support, and encouragement to claim their own power and future. Listening is vital, because most such victims cannot find the listening ear within their family/friend circle. Family and friends get sick and tired of hearing it. So peer support group listening is all the more important. From my experience with such women, encouraging therapy is also important. We can't change the past, but we need to learn from it. Vulnerable women are not to blame for the abuse they suffered. Yet, as adults, as opposed to abused youth who are immature, after they are clear on what caused their vulnerability (via counseling) they do need to take action, or their inaction will be a choice in itself simply to allow the vulnerability to continue and some form of repetition will follow--if not with a priest, then with some other person in power. Taking action to reclaim their lives is very much the healing journey of the child victim who later as an adult takes similar steps, and it must be so for adult victims. Whether those are legal/civil actions to regain their own power and control, or personal choices to better themselves and continue to walk their own healing path--or (hopefully) both--ONLY the women can do this for themselves. Our role as people who care is to empower them as best we can.

All of us who have been victimized in life had needs which we wanted met. Those needs were NOT met by our abusers--not at all! Oh, but the abusers certainly can and do recognize vulnerable youth and adults who have some kind of need--whether it is for a sympathetic ear and heart, a warm hug, an encouraging spiritual mother/father image, general sense of security and trust, something which makes us think our needs are being met by the fake affection of abusers. FAKE AFFECTION--not love! Yet to the vulnerable, that is a very, very difficult distinction to make. A woman who is carrying her own baggage may turn to a priest in full trust that he is sexually safe, just to unload her burden on a person who has publicly proclaimed that he IS SEXUALLY SAFE (by his promise of celibacy and Christian mandate of chastity). He, like therapists, MUST keep the boundaries because by the very nature of some ministry they are going to deal with men and women whose boundaries have already been shattered or perhaps never truly existed. It's the priests' duty to keep those people safe, not to exploit their vulnerability.

When I talk privately with women who've been abused by priests, and ask them directly if they were ever sexually OR emotionally exploited as children OR as teenagers, I find most have been. Or, they have they been abused in some other way by adults when they were young. The cycle never begins as adults, because by healthy adulthood boundaries are normally in place, and the radar for safety is strong. But for those who have lived through the cycle--none of that is secure. AGAIN, that is NOT to blame the adult, but simply to recognize the horrible dynamics that create this ongoing vulnerability which predatory people seek out, sexually or in any number of ways. This self-awareness is vital to the empowerment of abused women! Otherwise they may have their sexual radar up and running from learning the hard way from the priests, but their boundaries demanding respect from all may well be very insecure in all other areas of life and relationships. Their own kids might disrespect them. Their employers. Customers. Co-workers, etc.

Those are some of the dynamics such women have taught me over these 27 years, and believe me I am still learning and fine-tuning what I learn. We, involved in Good Tidings, don't deal with issues of pedophilia. This is different. What we find (most of the time) are basically good men who have never matured enough to understand their own obligations as adult men, let alone priests--who then easily cross a line with adult women, when they would NEVER do such a thing with a child or youth. These priests, then, are totally messed up and that is because they too have been victimized by the Church itself who took them in as youth and kept them immature, stupid, thoughtless, and selfish, rather than demanding that those who joined the priesthood already be mature men who make truly free choices about celibacy (and this is NOT an unrelated issue), and not just accept celibacy because it is a package deal to minister as a priest. What we have, all too often, are boys in men's bodies. That is NOT to excuse the priests, not at all, but it is a part of a far larger picture of abuse orchestrated by the institutional Church--which has been organized and run by men such as these! WOW! Talk about a very sick cycle!

Recently, while thinking about abuse of power, I wrote a blog about what's going on in Ireland now as the people demand accountability from the clergy: http://approachingiona.blogspot.com. We in America can look to the Irish Church as to a spiritual motherland--regardless of our personal ethnic roots because the Irish Church became the American Church and transported the horrors they were given by Rome and other powers that were over them. The psycho-sexual power dynamic imposed upon the American Church by the powerful Irish hierarchy and clergy that ran the show here in the USA/Canada/Australia/New Zealand, as was done in Ireland, becomes very obvious when one knows Church history. This crap goes back 1,000 years theologically to them trying to "make sense" of mandatory celibacy, but it hits home when an individual, or an entire people, or class seek power because they themselves have been brow-beaten by other abusive powers. History repeats itself, personally, culturally, nationally, and inter-nationally!

The only answer is to break the cycle of abuse by taking back the power.

Good Tidings...since 1983

http://www.goodtidingsministry.org

Sean and Pia

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Cait Finnegan) — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 09:54:00 +0000

For a few weeks I've been dragging my feet about writing an update for our donors. Joe has been asking me, over and over, to write what I have in mind so we could send out our summer newsletter, and I keep sitting to start it, and then I stop. Why? Well, normally I fashion my thoughts pretty completely in my head, I know what I want to say, and then I write the actual words when I come to the computer (or believe it or not, I still occasionally write in ink!). I could not understand what was stopping me this time. Why this hesitation...or more specifically, this procrastination?

I think I have it figured out. Sometimes, when we write things down they seem more real somehow. After all, there it is in black and white! I didn't want what I was considering to be real. It's that simple. If I didn't write this, then just maybe I could deny some things a bit longer. Well, finally, tonight I am biting the bullet, and, in truth, asking God's help to write this.

There is a story involved. Two stories, really. The first is closer to my heart because I've known the story and the

individuals involved for more than 20 years. I love them. It is a Good Tidings story for certain--and has the fleeting joys, the enduring hope, and love, and the pain that most of Good Tiding stories have. It is the story of two people who have become very dear to Joe and me and our daughter, and the priest is a man I came to think of as a brother over the many years.

I will call him Father Sean. Many years ago, 1988 or 89 I believe, Sean discovered Good Tidings through another priest whose lady-friend (now common-law wife of over 20 years) had been in touch with me. Sean told his lover, Pia, about Good Tidings, and she then contacted me directly. The normal initial exchanges via letters (postal letters long before e-mail), and lengthy telephone conversations began, and as it turned out they were only a few hours away from Joe and me, and they finally decided to come to talk with us in person. I remember being very impressed with Sean's giving our contact info to Pia, and his agreement to meet us here in our home and talk together which he knew would be a conversation about their personal relationship.

The day came, and they visited. I remember liking him immediately. He was very quiet, reserved. I saw him listening closely, evaluating us. He was nervous of course. Pia was more outgoing, and did most of the talking on "their" part. I remember they stayed here late into the evening, after sharing a dinner with us. That was to be repeated many, many times over the next 20+ years, creating dear memories full of laughter and friendship.

Pia was not happy. She and Sean clearly cared deeply for each other. They had known one another for many years--long before he was ordained. Yet, she knew something was missing in what they shared. They both met others in Good Tidings here at our house on weekends when we hosted those "marathon open-house" gatherings and women traveled from as far as California throughout the East coast to meet one another here and talk, and support one another. Sean and Pia never stayed for the weekend, but participated in our days and evenings with the others. Many of the women became friends, and some with really serious issues (such as needing child support from a priest) helped one another from their experiences in the courts around the country combatting religious orders or diocesan legal hot shots hired to humiliate and beat a woman down. Sean and Pia were not in that situation. They were often both angry about the women being treated this way, and the beautiful infants or older children denied their rights.

Sean and Pia were not content, however. Both knew the other suffered within this relationship, this long-term friendship that turned into a love affair. I remember having little to no patience with Sean's remaining in the relationship knowing Pia hoped for marriage. After all, being here among our friends also meant meeting other women who actually married priests, after those priests left canonical ministry. Pia hoped for marriage, hoped Sean would eventually have the "courage" to leave and marry her. Sean and Pia lived their individual lives as far as careers went, he a Roman Catholic priest "in good standing," pastor of one, then another, then two parishes simultaneously as more and more priests left to marry. Then when the work day was done, they retired to their homes. They shared their nightly phone calls, their days off, holidays and vacations. As the years passed, they both settled into a lifestyle where those looking in from the outside would see them individually living their public lives, or, if one was “an insider,” see a married couple, with him being the "adopted father" to Pia's children from her first marriage, and later being the "adopted Pop-Pop" to the grandchildren that eventually filled their lives. Only once was Sean reprimanded and "punished" for being reported by a parishioner to the bishop for having Pia around. The bishop transferred him a few minutes farther away and told him to be more careful. Sean, after all, was a treasure to keep--both to the bishop and to Pia! How many Seans were left, young and healthy enough to carry the ecclesiastical workload he was carrying? One needs to treat such a treasure well, carefully. There are bishops who realize what is going on, and they know without the Seans among them there will be far fewer pastors.

Sean and Pia were here often. We had great times together, because what happened with them is the "Good Tidings" reason for visiting us faded away as we became friends and we realized this was how it was always going to be. Many visits, holidays, summers, snowy day visits... So much laughter. I remember one visit when Sean and I were talking privately. He told me then and there why he would not leave and marry Pia. He said "I see how you and Joe live, how you struggle financially, and live hand-to-mouth. I could never live with that worry. I can't risk it..." He said much more, but that hit me hard. There before me was a man who was split in half. He wanted to marry. He also truly wanted to be a priest. He was the rope in the game of "tug-of-war" and he was stretching more and more to survive spiritually and emotionally. He wanted a normal life with a wife, but as a priest--without the financial insecurity we often had. In fact, his parishioners loved him--except that one who was the watchdog and went to the bishop. Sean was always more careful after that--he was clearly NOT going to be forced into a situation of having to choose between Pia and the priesthood, not ever.

I also remember the exact day Pia and I talked when it all finally had become very clear to her that Sean was NEVER going to marry her. We were in my kitchen talking as we prepared a meal together. I saw it in her face. She changed overnight. She became more distant emotionally, even with us. Oh, we all remained friends, yet I could sense her broken heart. But she was a survivor, and she was NOT going to let this reality break her. She'd invested many years into the life she built with Sean, even though it was a life of semi-hiding. She was going to "settle" and make the best of it. She did. Yet we could hear in her tone of voice, and, in her words themselves--an emotional backing off, self-defense building so she wouldn't feel this "rejection", this choice of priesthood over her as keenly as she felt it when it all first became clear to her.

Personally, I still don't know what to think. I get angry at Sean, and all the Seans out there doing this, yet I've also come to recognize that there are more Seans out there than I ever thought originally when we began Good Tidings. There are also more Pias because fewer women are complaining! More are settling. I don't think this is a healthy or honest thing. There is a reality within the priesthood I never wanted to recognize, and that is that celibacy is observed in the breech, as they say, not only in Africa and South America, but here as well. Richard Sipe tells us clearly about it... Sean and so many others tell us themselves.

The day I was ordained Sean was there. He and Pia were like family after so many years. My old mother loved him and treated him like a son, and he treated her like a mother and eventually called her "Mom" when he visited. Sean was there to support me in my ordination to priesthood, and when I returned home from the Church and the reception we had, there was Sean in our living room with a huge box in the middle of the floor. It could have held a washing machine! He smiled broadly and pushed it toward me, and I opened it. It was filled with vestments of every liturgical color, prayer books, and Celtic music! My first vestments given to me by my "adopted" brother, a Roman Catholic priest, who could not risk living the life Joe and I lived--beyond the pale. He always made me wonder.

Over the past couple of years our visits became more seldom. Sean developed cancer, that hated disease. Unable to care for himself, he moved into Pia’s home. Pia, although truly feeling the sense of loss in her life, in their shared life, cared for him, she and her family cared for him. His parish knew. His bishop knew. Sure didn't the world know by now? Pia was his faithful friend--right to the last breath. Pia, the unrecognized widow! Pia, the angry. Pia the broken-hearted. Yet, as I told her when we talked a few days after Sean died, true love lasts beyond the feelings, the butterflies, the physical intimacies, and even life itself. Pia the loving! She gave Sean what no other human gave him--fidelity to the end of his life.

Yeah, I know all the "abuse" issues this raises. I also know the difference between an abuser and a frightened human. I'm a victim of abuse, and I can smell it from a distance. I had the distinct honor of knowing Sean, and coming to love him as a friend, and yes, feeling it as a sister to a brother. When my own brothers both died young, I kind of felt I still had a brother in Sean... I know Sean did not have an intentionally abusive bone in his body. I know he was truly afraid of life outside of what he knew and loved in the priesthood. He was afraid of insecurity.

Life just isn't as black and white as some might want this story to be. The real culprit is something else...it's this mandatory celibacy thing. This monster that entraps so many who are afraid to risk breaking free of it. So they make believe. It can be mandated, but it simply is not enforceable! Some freely opt to live it, some make believe they live it, and some just don't even think another thought about it and do what they want. It is not enforceable.

Truth is, the only security we all have in life is in God, and in our Faith in God--in that will to love and live only for love. Money doesn't make us secure, it only pays bills. Love is what fulfills us as creatures. Sean tried to cling to that...while fearing the loss of his lifestyle.

I will miss Sean. I already do. I pray for his peace in Christ's love, in God's infinite Love. Oh, and I pray for Pia, who now lives with all this in her heart, alone. She will throw herself more and more into her family and grandchildren, and God will ease her heart with their love. One day Sean will come and meet her again, and they will finally live happily ever after.

And, now I am crying because this really is a sad story. See, I knew writing it in black and white would make it more real! The second story will have to wait for another time.

Love here and now--while you can. Don't wait. Don't hesitate.

God bless you.

Cáit

PS Today, as I was re-reading this story an e-mail came in to me from “Pia.” I asked her if I might share it with this story… Here are her words:

Cait,

It is nice to hear from you. I understand your feelings about not wanting to make it real. It is hard for me to at times comprehend that [Sean] is dead. For so many years till he came to stay, I would only see him on Sunday afternoon and Monday after work. At times when the phone rings around 9:00pm or so my automatic thought is it is [Sean] calling, as he did for 20 years, to say good night. I think I can understand that [Sean’s] peace is somehow tied to me, I hope at some point in time I can come to a place of peace with all that has transpired over the years. Another friend of ours called a local psychic and inquired about [Sean]. He told her that he is around and if you smell flowers he is near. That is funny as the night or so after he died I woke up to an overpowering scent of lilacs (trees he bought me and were planted in the yard). I thought it had something to do with my mother. Weird. He also told her that it would take me 13 months or so to get past this and find some sort of end. I don't know what I feel exactly, I know anger but not directed all at [Sean] although there is I think a healthy portion for him. And at times an overwhelming sense of sadness, and disbelief that it ended this way, although not surprised.

Towards the last he had said he wanted to tell his family about the situation but I did not want him to, I felt it had been kept locked away for so long that there was little sense in going public with it at this late date. He died and was buried as a priest, with all due from the church and that is how he wanted it. I don't know where else to go with that. Again anger, I think as I have to pretend to all that he was just a good friend, which of course was the truth but there was more.

So that’s what I think I struggle with, and I hope that standing by [Sean] and taking care of him till the end was enough for him and for me. I so miss him.

Love,

[Pia]

Good Tidings...since 1983
http://www.goodtidingsministry.org

The Leaves Leave Me Thinkin' About Things

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Cait Finnegan) — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 11:01:00 +0000

I'm not sure if it is the change in seasons, the liturgical calendar (which does affect the priests--and the women), or something in the air or water, but activity in Good Tidings seems to wax and wane, and just this week after a long silent time on our online chat list, I heard from 4 new people whose lives have been changed forever because of their involvement with priests. Two have children of priests to raise alone now, a third, whose mental state was already very fragile, is fighting very hard to remain functional, with hope of one day growing stronger, and the fourth was going to be married and the priest disappeared, leaving her devastated. That was this past week.

Obviously we are responding to each individually, and will be putting these women in touch with peer support as well. Some need legal assistance, some counseling. While there is nothing new in what I've heard this week, I admit each new person's story touches my heart in some new place I guess God planned just for her. It hurts, but you know, I'm glad I have not grown callous from 26 years of similar stories and can still hear the unique voice behind the story. Each person is unique and loved by God, and that is how I want to experience her and relate to her.

Over these 26 years we've changed. We've come to understand better the dynamics at work between the Roman Catholic priests and the women with whom they become involved, particularly those priests who have no intention of marrying or seeking any spiritual discernment in life. It's not the kind of knowledge I'd planned on gaining in life, and I know Joe didn't either. Sometimes I feel like Peter, hands bound and led where I never expected to be in life. Yet, I am grateful for any good we may be able to do. I don't want to grow blase about any of this because each person is sacred, and this issue in the Church is just not going away. It will remain as long as mandatory celibacy remains, and even if priests were allowed to marry--there would still be a few of them with no integrity.

During these years Joe decided to return to university. When we married he had is doctorate in Church history. Back then I remember him saying he never wanted to take another test! Then, 17 years ago, at the age of 60, he returned for a Masters in counseling. This has been a blessing in our work on different levels because his personal gift has always been spiritual direction and now he loves counseling couples. When he finished that program, I then went for a 2 year program in spiritual direction, and did my CPE, and both have been a tremendous help to me in Good Tidings and other work. Somehow we've been guided all these years.

I don't know, we don't know what the future holds, but we are committed to Good Tidings for the long haul, even as we embrace additional ministry in our lives in our Church.

Good Tidings...since 1983
http://www.goodtidingsministry.org

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Cait Finnegan) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 11:32:00 +0000

My friends who know my heart know that there is one verse from Scripture that compels me in all I do. "To whom much is given, much will be required." I am compelled to share the love I've been given. I have been gifted with the love of wonderful parents and grandparents, the love of my husband and daughter and a wonderful extended family of blood and guts (those with the guts to be part of our lives, that is), and the experience of good and holy priests and religious who have taught me about love as well. I have been given much in the way of love, and I feel it keenly when I hear of the horrid stories in the universal Church body. In particular are those about priests who make babies and ignore them. Every child deserves the love of his or her parents, priest or not--just as my own daughter is loved by her father. I intend to make this issue a thorn in the flesh of the Church.

___________________________________________________________

In 1983, when I first began working with Good Tidings, a group formed to help women and priests who were in love come to a resolution of their situations, i.e. either a return to celibate life or marriage as we innocently though at that time, I never in my wildest nightmares thought I'd discover all that has been revealed to me by these women and priests over the past 26 years.

My husband and I worked entirely by telephone and letters back then in the age before e-mail and cells. We spent hours a day talking with the priests and women who contacted us. They found us from a small ad we placed in The National Catholic Reporter, and then through word of mouth (there is quite a network as it turns out), and on occasion some were actually referred to us by priests at chancery offices in some diocese. After all, we were not looking to harm the Church, but to help priests and women find spiritual direction and integrity while recognizing that love is a natural human need--for everyone. Priests are not any different when it comes to needing love. Where they ARE different, or are SUPPOSED TO BE different is that priests of the Latin Rite in the Roman Catholic Church are obliged to be chaste and celibate. In other words, they can't stay and play!

What we sadly and shockingly discovered was the large number of priests who wanted exactly that--to stay priests and play with women. They played with women who were having marriage problems and who turned to a parish priest for help as good Roman Catholics were always encouraged to do. They helped women get annulments with promises of "I love you" only to abandon them once the women were free to respond to them. They played with women who worked for the Church. They played with some religious sisters. They played with fellow students in college, or with students they taught. The point is they played entirely too much for Roman Catholic priests. The priests were under vows of obedience and promises or vows of celibacy. Some of the women were young single, some married and in troubled marriages. No woman who is active in the Church ever thinks she will be in this kind of situation. And, no woman who hears the comforting words "I love you" from a priest suspects him of lying. She may think he is out of line, but certainly not a liar, after all--he's a priest!

My husband and I began working with this population because several years earlier we'd come to love each other and realized we had to deal with that before God. This was a threesome and God was the Third Person in our trinity of love. Neither of us could ignore that. We could not live with ourselves if we did. My husband and I went separately to spiritual direction and counseling in order to try to discern our future. After several years of this, we decided to marry. We never forgot the feeling of imagining we were the only ones in the world in this situation. We were not, of course, but we did not know that at the time. Pope John Paul II had just come into the papacy and stopped all laicizations and ignored all further requests, including my husband's. He has yet to hear from Rome, even 28 years after his official request. Oh, yes, he was encouraged to reapply after our daughter was born. His former superior's exact words were "given your irreversible situation you might consider reapplying to Rome..." Our daughter was the irreversible situation, not our marriage, not our love, not me. All that, the latter was totally reversible because at any moment he could have repented of our invalid attempt at marriage (which is how RC Canon Law defines a priest's marriage with out first being laicized), walked out of our home and back into his religious house and priestly ministry. Yes, he would have needed a recycling program, but that is in place for such priests. I must at least acknowledge his superior's moral integrity in recognizing that our beautiful daughter certainly was irreversible! For other superiors, a child of a priest is merely a problem to be solved by paying off the mother. Had I been offered such a payment I would have told them a few things about where it might be placed for saving. However, I was not in such a situation. My daughter's dad loved her even in his dreams, before she came to us from God. Hadn't he picked her name four years before her conception and birth? He was and is a loving father and husband. He remains a priest forever according to Roman Catholic theology, so laicization was simply not something he was going to ask for twice!

The year we married was 1980. We were soon to be educated in the facts of life regarding the Roman Catholic priesthood, and those facts included that far from our being alone in our situation over 18,000 priests had married at that time in the USA. The number was to grow to 25,000 and over 100,000 worldwide. Many joined CORPUS, which at that time meant the Corp of Resigned Priests United for Service. They were still willing to serve the Church as married priests, like the thousands of married priests in the Eastern rites united to Rome, never bound by celibacy. We had actually joined a very large community of married priests and their wives and families. A welcoming community it continues to be. This community has supported our efforts for the past 26 years to reach out to other priests and women who are in relationships, to help them understand they are not alone, and there is support as together they pray and discern their future.

The "shadow side of celibacy," as it was described in David Rice's book Shattered Vows: The Priests who Left. London: Penguin/Michael Joseph, 1990. New York: William Morrow, 1991. St Louis: Ligouri, 1997 (yet another nasty story of suppression of the truth there, just ask me about that one ) on this subject was and remains the secret lives of "priests of the lie," as I refer to them. These are priests who do not care one bit about the Church, the People of God, the pope, canon law, honesty or even God. These are career priests, who have the security of priesthood, a great education, and a future job security such as nobody in the country enjoys today! They also have their pick of women or men depending upon which way the wind blows, and the power to keep the relationships secret and silent.

That power diminishes for some, however, when a child is born of such a relationship. Years ago, when we first learned of this seedy side, the Church would buy the silence of the mothers with hush money, which was supposedly to help her care for her child. This was done when all attempts to have her put the child up for adoption were ignored by the mother who already loved the unborn child. Others were encouraged by the priest-dads to abort to protect their reputations. Some of these priests had several children by different women who had no idea of one another! At times we would hear from more than one woman whose story sounded too familiar. On more than one occasion I put these women in touch with one another for peer support--and they discovered their priests were one and the same gigolo. At times both women had children by these priests. You see, such priests don't just stop acting in such irresponsible ways. They have a pattern, and it continues for the life of their priesthood. We're not talking about holy priests here, folks. We are talking about evil acts by priests who do not care, and who are then protected and kept in the priesthood or religious life. Why? Well some of them bring in a great deal of donations. They are charismatic men. Their friends are great donors who feel very important when they hang with Father and give money not caring how Father ignores his own children. The good and holy members of the Church deserve better than this! The Church deserves holy priests, for God's sake!

These stories continue right to today. Older women who have raised the children of priests in silence and hiding (one such story is PERFECT by Judy Soucier), and younger women today who are moments pregnant... The mothers of the past were forced to sign hush agreements which bound them legally not to divulge the identity of the priest fathers, that is if they wanted ANY financial help--which time has proven has NEVER been sufficient to raise a child. However, in many cases I already knew the entire story, the fathers' names, and I got to know the children. I signed no such agreements, and the women often gave me the copies of the legal documents surrounding their cases. These are safely put away for future Church history files for some Roman Catholic university of our choice. This is Church history, but of course while history is being made, the Church does not want it known.

There is something very wrong with that though. The People of God are the ones paying the bills for the priests. They usually believe the priests are what they present themselves to be when they vest for Mass--celibate priests. The people are often being deceived. Priests are paid salaries, and even religious order priests do not live on the wind and prayer...they too live on the donations of the Faithful, and earnings from ministries. That a Franciscan earns a few hundred dollars a month does not mean he is poor. It only means his personal cash-flow is limited. However the perks of religious life are just as secure as secular priesthood with its salaried priests. And this all comes from and through the People of God who trust priests to be honest. Religious priests do not live in tents. They are not homeless. When they are sick not only are their medical bills paid, but they have the care they need without growing one grey hair over where medical insurance is coming from, or if it is there to cover expenses.

Yet, how many times a religious priest who fathers a child cries poverty. How the founders of these religious orders would cringe at the notion of abusing the ideal of vowed poverty! I can only imagine St. Francis, just as an example of one holy founder, telling one of his friars who fathered a child that he, the friar, was responsible for that infant! Who in his or her right mind would think Francis would excuse such behavior as ignoring one's own child while feigning chastity and poverty. He'd tell him to get a job after Mass, and feed his child! WWJD? is the question we hear around the Christian world today. What would Jesus do? Would Jesus say "Go forth and multiply, and be sure to keep it secret and get back into the monastery and make believe you are a friar.... Suffer the little children...verily, verily, suffer them..." or would Jesus demand that one obligation He placed on His followers to Love and in this case to love the children one co-creates?

Jesus left only ONE law. ONE. LOVE. It was not ignore your children, let them die without your love. Yet today, a young man lies in a hospital intensive care ward with a very rare form of brain cancer. His mother was one who signed a hush agreement years ago after he was born. She broke that agreement to go public and appear on a talk show with us to tell others how the Church treats the mothers of priests' children. She paid for that broken contract with the Church. However, long before she ever signed the agreement she and I were friends. I knew the entire story, had it written in her hand and locked away in our vaults. I signed no agreement regarding those letters from her, or our hours of phone conversations. Her son never signed any agreement either, and today, although he is ill from a rare brain cancer, he and I are in touch. Many of the children are grown now, and I have waited for this day when the children of these priests would discover their own voices, and would tell the stories of their mothers and "fathers" who ignored them in order to remain priests and "serve God and their parishes." If their parishes only knew who it was who served them...teaching about sexual morality and the obligations placed upon the Faithful by the clergy. If only the Church, the People of God knew. They will! The time has come for the children to speak.

The CHURCH, the People of God, need to know what has been done in their name, with the money they've generously donated. The People of God, who care for their own children need to know how the priests have ignored their children, while preaching about family values! Holy Innocents was an outgrowth of Good Tidings, because we'd heard from so many women pregnant with priests' babies. So we formed a network to put them in touch with one another--to support each other and learn from each other, both the mistakes in dealing with the Church and the success of turning to Uncle Sam's deadbeat dad laws, in addition to having their own attorneys. We put attorneys in touch with one another to learn how to face the most powerful corporation on Earth in court, the Roman Catholic Church.

We continue to do this, and will continue to do so. But now, tonight, my heart breaks for that young man. He lies there praying. His ONLY wish was to see Pope Benedict when he visited the USA last year. But sadly he was too sick then to travel. Tonight I received the following from his mother:

"[he] is now on a respirator after a bad day yesterday and today...they are stopping the stem cell transplant and fighting to get him through this....It is difficult to watch, his heart rate went to 40 today and was very frightening..he is so brave through it all...today the catholic minister stopped by and said a prayer with him...he is under sedation but fought to move his hands from under the blanket, made the sign of the cross and folded is hands together in prayer, for the entire prayer and did the sign of the cross again....without being able to open his eyes but had his heart open the whole time... "

I asked her if his father was aware of how very sick this young man is, and she wrote back to me:

"Yes he knows...he has not contacted [her son's name] or myself...I have sent him emails stating that I will answer any questions he has...no reply"

What planet do such priests live on? What Faith do they have? Do the Faithful care? How would they react if this were one of the priests in their own parish--because it is! These priests can be found all over the country. Does the pope know or care? This young man wants with all his heart to talk with the pope. He is not bitter. He wants to talk with the pope about all this.... Does the pope care when his own priests do not? I had great hope that Pope Benedict would be very different... that he would care, be pastoral. I still hope this will happen. I ask those who read this to pray for this young man, and that his desire to speak with Benedict will be granted by God, Pope Benedict's Boss.

Many and many a year ago, Father Joe Grenier and his daughter Rose, unique in all the world to him!

Today Rose is 26 years old and the bond is tighter than ever!

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Cait Finnegan) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 11:32:00 +0000

___________________________________________________________

In 1983, when I first began working with Good Tidings, a group formed to help women and priests who were in love come to a resolution of their situations, i.e. either a return to celibate life or marriage as we innocently thought at that time, I never in my wildest nightmares thought I'd discover all that has been revealed to me by these women and priests over the past 26 years.

My husband and I worked entirely by telephone and letters back then in the age before e-mail and cells. We spent hours a day talking with the priests and women who contacted us. They found us from a small ad we placed in The National Catholic Reporter, and then through word of mouth (there is quite a network as it turns out), and on occasion some were actually referred to us by priests at chancery offices in some diocese. After all, we were not looking to harm the Church, but to help priests and women find spiritual direction and integrity while recognizing that love is a natural human need--for everyone. Priests are not any different when it comes to needing love. Where they ARE different, or are SUPPOSED TO BE different is that priests of the Latin Rite in the Roman Catholic Church are obliged to be chaste and celibate. In other words, they can't stay and play!

My husband and I began working with this population because several years earlier we'd come to love each other and realized we had to deal with that before God. This was a threesome and God was the Third Person in our trinity of love. Neither of us could ignore that. We could not live with ourselves if we did. My husband and I went separately to spiritual direction and counseling in order to try to discern our future. After several years of this, we decided to marry. We never forgot the feeling of imagining we were the only ones in the world in this situation. We were not, of course, but we did not know that at the time. Pope John Paul II had just come into the papacy and stopped all laicizations and ignored all further requests, including my husband's. He has yet to hear from Rome, even 28 years after his official request. Oh, yes, he was encouraged to reapply after our daughter was born. His former superior's exact words were "given your irreversible situation you might consider reapplying to Rome..." Our daughter was the irreversible situation, not our marriage, not our love, not me. All that, the latter was totally reversible because at any moment he could have repented of our invalid attempt at marriage (which is how RC Canon Law defines a priest's marriage with out first being laicized), walked out of our home and back into his religious house and priestly ministry. Yes, he would have needed a recycling program (far less than if he'd actually gone through the canonical hoops and been laicized), but that is in place for such priests. I must at least acknowledge his superior's moral integrity in recognizing that our beautiful daughter certainly was irreversible! For other superiors, a child of a priest is merely a problem to be solved by paying off the mother. Had I been offered such a payment I would have told them a few things about where it might be placed for saving. However, I was not in such a situation. My daughter's dad loved her even in his dreams, before she came to us from God. Hadn't he picked her name four years before her conception and birth? He was and is a loving father and husband. He remains a priest forever according to Roman Catholic theology, so laicization was simply not something he was going to ask for twice! Now he is glad he did not because it is meaningless--to be "reduced to the state of the laity" yet remain a priest forever! It is all about punishment.

The "shadow side of celibacy," as it was described in David Rice's book Shattered Vows: The Priests who Left. London: Penguin/Michael Joseph, 1990. New York: William Morrow, 1991. St Louis: Ligouri, 1997 (yet another nasty story of suppression of the truth there, just ask me about that one ) on this subject was and remains the secret lives of "priests of the lie," as I refer to them. These are priests who do not care one bit about the Church, the People of God, the pope, canon law, honesty or even God. These are "career priests," who have the security of priesthood, a great education, and a future job security such as nobody in the country enjoys today! They also have their pick of women or men depending upon which way the wind blows, and the power to keep the relationships secret and silent.

These stories continue right to today. Older women who have raised the children of priests in silence and hiding (one such story is PERFECT by Judy Soucier), and younger women today who are moments pregnant... The mothers of the past were forced to sign hush agreements which bound them legally not to divulge the identity of the priest fathers, that is if they wanted ANY financial help--which time has proven has NEVER been sufficient to raise a child. However, in many cases I already knew the entire story, the fathers' names, and I got to know the children. The women often gave me the copies of the legal documents surrounding their cases. These are safely put away for future Church history files for some Roman Catholic university of our choice. This is Church history, but of course while history is being made, the Church does not want it known.

I asked her if his father was aware of how very sick this young man is, and she wrote back to me:

"Yes he knows...he has not contacted [her son's name] or myself...I have sent him emails stating that I will answer any questions he has...no reply"

Many and many a year ago, Father Joe Grenier and his daughter Rose, unique in all the world to him!

Today Rose is 26 years old and the bond is tighter than ever!

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Cait Finnegan) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 11:43:00 +0000

This has been a difficult period for us personally, losing our business, and actually waiting to hear if we would lose our home. We've been married 28 years, and this has been the most difficult one for us as far as simple survival goes. However, that being said, I also have to speak of God's presence in our lives, in our home, in our marriage, and relationships. We have been richly blessed these 28 years, and so a bit of a cross now and then serves to keep us "sober and watchful" spiritually, keenly aware that God is God, and we are here to love and serve. That, from my perspective is a blessing in itself--to realize that we can be used if we try not to get in the way too much. I admit, working with Good Tidings, and in spiritual direction is a joy, not simply a service. Not that the heartache others endure is joyful, but trying, in the midst of that, to be a witness to that Good Tidings of God's presence with us is a joy. It's the joy of God-with-us that we want to share, while we have life left here.

Over the past few months, we've been talking with a few other people, one of the group is a priest, and one a vowed Carmelite woman, about working together to offer retreats for individuals who've suffered from clergy abuse. This, sadly, is something which comes rather naturally to Joe and me after all these years. Three of us are also survivors of abuse by clergy and religious, so we bring that personal experience as well to this aspect of our ministry. I remember reading a wonderful book many years ago written by Roberta Nobleman, entitled VICTIM, SURVIVOR, CELEBRANT. In it she addresses the journey from being a victim to finally being able to celebrate in her Faith once again. It was, in my opinion, a complete journey, and one I have hoped to help others make as we work in Good Tidings. With that idea firmly in mind, adding retreat work to this flows very naturally. We will continue to pray about this before jumping into it.

We've been communicating with Kitty, a woman we've known a very long time via Good Tidings. Kitty's son is in a major battle with cancer. I'd written a few times to see how he is doing with no response from her, but then, she has been very busy him, so it is no wonder that e-mail had not been answered until now. I am very happy she did find time to write and update us though, and I am adding her own words below for you to read. I have only edited out the location of her city, and her and her son's actual names.

It is amazing how quickly life goes by. In her note to me, Kitty mentions how we first corresponded back in 1986! I still remember the specifics of those days, and the betrayal she felt when her son's father was with yet another young woman on the night Kitty's child was born! He, of course, is still a priest in good standing, whatever that means.

We will continue to be in touch with Kitty. Please keep her and her son in your prayer, particularly with this battle against cancer that he fights.

I am always so grateful for all who journey along with us in this ministry supporting us with your prayer. Last week, while reorganizing files and file cabinets, I took time to reread many of the notes from our donors, which have been sent through the years. I was again overwhelmed by the love and prayer so many have offered us. I tell you--it is that which has kept us going, even now during this particularly stressful time we are going through personally. They give us strength and encouragement, and confirm the reality of Christian community, regardless of the miles that separate us. May this new year be filled with peace.

_________________________

Kitty's E-mail:

Dear Cait,

I was just thinking of you and I checked the email tonight to see your message. We are still fighting so hard. We left NY after the second surgery to remove a blood clot on the brain and a tumor that was non viable and two attempts at stem cell harvesting with no luck as far as the stem cells went, both times it wasn't producing any. We came back to <her city> to do another surgery on an open wound and another attempt at stem cells this time with a drug that the drug company and the FDA let us use as a compassionate attempt. This time after 5 days at harvesting we produced 1.9 million but we need 5 million. They are not giving up and we are going for another attempt this will be his 4th try. They did the bone marrow biopsy yesterday and we will be harvesting the second week of Feb.

It's a difficult thing because if we get the stem cells we will do two cycles of high dose chemo (we have had chemo two other times but this will be the strongest). They will do high dose chemo, give him back his own stem cells and then high dose a second time and give him back his own stem cells. If he is strong enough to do all this we will be in the hospital for probably 3 months. He is amazing which is far more than I can say about his father. When we asked for help with the expenses of three months in New York the answer came back that they did not have any legal responsibility for the trip and to apply for any assistance ... and to tell them that his father is a priest who makes 100.00 a month, we did it without them and we will continue, we do it out of love...Guess bitterness is coming through its just hard doing it alone when there are hundreds of them preaching to care for each other (unless of course your related).

Sorry so long winded but I was so happy to hear from you when I was just thinking about you and here you are. Thanks for not forgetting us it means alot because you go back so far. One last thing, I have a fire proof box that I have kept things for <her son> that go back to 1986 when he was born, it is full of cards and letters and news letters from you. There was a lot from when I lost our first baby its amazing how the words pertain to now as well as then but this time we will make it though this with my son at my side. God bless you so much for being there for so many.

Did I tell you that I have been thinking of a book in tribute to my son? He deserves to be respected and to be shared with others, I have been blessed. Did I say thankyou for not forgetting us, you are also a blessing and I am truly thankful.......With Love and Gratitude........<Kitty>

noreply@blogger.com (Mother Cait Finnegan) — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 10:18:00 +0000

On Thanksgiving Day I received an e-mail from a very irate woman who had heard of Good Tidings and was incredulous about our 501 (c) 3 status from the government. She could not understand how we could qualify as ministry. She mentioned that she'd heard we encouraged these "so-called romantic relationships" between women and priests. What got me most, I guess, was that she was "appalled" that we "seemed to encourage these women to have the children of priests rather than go for abortions." After all, she wondered, who was paying for these children? Why isn't the Church paying for them? How dare we request money for this ministry!

I felt myself deal with some emotions as they stirred in me as I read her e-mail. The Irish NYC street kid in me was not patient, and my immediate reaction was not printable. But there was something else going on in me too. I felt bad for this woman. She signed her letter "abused by a priest" without any name.

That said it all! The anger, the striking out, the sense of rage at what she thought was a support group which condones the sexual misconduct of priests with women. My moment of annoyance came only from my own fatigue and I could feel this woman's rage in me too.

Unless one has suffered abuse it is very, very difficult to understand and relate to the rage that is hellbent on attacking everyone and everything that in any way at all jars the memory of abuse. I could both understand and relate. I knew this was not a personal attack. It was an attack against whoever had hurt her, I was just in the way (or our e-mail address was). I wrote back and asked her if she wanted answers to her questions or was she just venting. The return e-mail said “answers…and dialogue.” So, I explained Good Tidings and Holy Innocents and what we try to do.

She objected to the use of the term “romantic relationships” as if that gave a positive spin to what happens between priests and women. I wrote back and said that “romance” has nothing in itself to do with real love, or with abuse. Romance is simply romance, and, in fact, most abusers are pros at using romance to lure those they intend to use for their own purposes. They objectify a person, then use romance to mask that objectification and the victim then is none-the-wiser, but rather is somehow flattered, whether this person be a child or an unsuspecting adult. The trick is to find vulnerable individuals, whatever the age.

So many people have said that the women who get involved with priests are not victims because they are adults—as if being an adult is the same as invulnerable. The problem is adults carry baggage, whether it is healthy or unhealthy. Some have life-bags full of peace and joy and healthy memories, and so their past helps prepare them for a healthy present and future. Others carry different life-bags and they are filled with experiences of being misused or abused, being hurt so deeply that their judgement is lacking when it comes to current relationships, and if someone or something does not help break that cycle, it repeats—for life.

I’ve wondered about that. I’ve read that about 1/3 of those who have been abused do NOT go on to abuse others. What makes the difference, I’ve wondered. Grace? More good than bad in that bag full of experiences? More love in one’s youth? That’s some of what I’ve been told makes the difference. But, some do seem to remain victims, rather than become abusive (other than to themselves in that sense). Some of the women in Good Tidings have had bad marriages, gone to a priest for guidance, and found themselves allowing a priest to hurt them, all the while doing cartwheels to please the priest who “romances” them with flirtations and the works. Like kids, or puppies, starved for a hug, or some indication that they are lovable, the women may or may not recognize that they are being used, but allow it because it seems like the best thing in their lives (and sometimes it is).

Priests who do this? Well, I’m guessing they are among the 2/3 of those abused who recycle the abuse themselves. That’s not to say it’s an excuse, but it is one reason they do what they do. Priests are in a system that allows the normal human need to have some control in life to be twisted by twisted clerics. Abusive priests take that spiritual (and temporal) authority they have, which should be used as “power for” others and twist it into “power over” others. Rather than the power of Love, the only real power in God’s world, they present themselves as gods who know nothing of Love, and they are generally known as—devils! Yet, the Church has wisely taught that devils can disguise themselves as angels of Light, and that is what we are facing in the Church when priests use their office of service to abuse. Anyone can abuse in this world, but the clerical system offers an even greater opportunity for those inclined to do so because we Catholics expect them to represent their Boss. The trouble is—they do, but it has taken us a long time to realize whom they serve.

My personal problem with this is what happens to the Grace God offers along the way? I’m 56 years old, and grew up in that mindset that priests loved God so much that they wanted to serve and love others. I was sure of it. Never doubted it, both for priests and religious. They were the ones who understood how God worked, understood about Grace, God’s shared life, and so their response by becoming priests was a statement. As priests or religious they were saying they understood and agreed. How innocent I was. How I presumed it was so. This was a good part of what drew me to God too, being around so many others who loved God so much, starting with my family, but also the priests and sisters in our parish. It never crossed my mind that a priest could do wrong, at least not deliberately. I’d seen drunken priests…I knew about them, but even back then I was taught to look at alcoholism as a sickness, not a moral choice.

As a youth I sadly discovered that not all religious were holy, but I made excuses and figured it was just that one I knew. Surely she was the only one. Only years later, after Joe and I began working with Good Tidings did I realize how wrong I was. We started working with this because we figured that priests and women who were facing the fact that they loved one another really needed to have spiritual support. We remembered how lonely it was for us while Joe went through his spiritual discernment with his director. How lonely and difficult it was for me as he made his own spiritual journey regarding his priesthood, long before we ever knew there were other married priests “out there.” We figured those were the priests and women we’d meet if we tried to make Good Tidings better known.

Well, we met wonderful priests, holy men I believe, who loved and wanted only to do the right thing before God. Many of those priests are now in CORPUS! What we never expected was to meet what David Rice later called in his book SHATTERED VOWS, “the shadow side of celibacy.” And worse yet, when we did discover it, we never expected it was such a huge shadow. In fact, we discovered a black cloud, a profound evil in the Church that went far beyond any individual abusive priest. We found bishops and superiors condoning sexual misconduct and abuse, and frequently enough involved in it themselves. We found women who were being threatened psychologically, financially and physically beaten by the priests, abortions paid for, phones tapped, women run off the road in their cars as threats to their lives when they pursued legal process. We discovered women slandered, and dragged through depositions where they were made to look and feel like whores, while bishops sat at the table allowing it to happen. Of course, we found bribes too. Hush monies paid, and contracts signed so that the children of priests were supposedly silenced by their own mothers’ agreements. That was bogus—but they knew not! In short, we discovered evil in clerical garb.

I remember my Irish grandmother saying that if the road to hell was paved with good intentions, hell itself was lined with religious habits! She told me of things in Ireland that today would be 100 years ago…that I found so hard to believe. But after going to Ireland and talking with family there, I realized she spoke the truth.

I’ve often felt that although I personally have made choices for my life that are not in keeping with the Roman Catholic Church, our approach to Good Tidings and Holy Innocents has always been more “orthodox” than Rome itself! I remember (before I got thicker skin) feeling so hurt years ago when a priest wrote some nasty things about me in a letter to the editor of NCR after they did a story on Good Tidings. All I was hoping for was a holy Church. Sure, I knew then and now that we are all sinners. But I was hoping for more integrity from our leadership than we were finding. My spiritual director helped me (after the shock wore off) when he said “Don’t look to Rome for your Faith, or you’ll lose it.” How very right he was. He told me to keep my eyes on Jesus and I would keep it all in perspective, even the sorrow and the evil. He was right.

The angel announced Good Tidings of Great Joy! That’s what I began clinging to years ago after Father told me not to look to Rome. The Good Tidings was that God was with us, among us. That’s what I still cling to when evil rattles our cage. God is among us, closer than our own heartbeats. God is with the women and priests who want to do the right thing. God is with the abusers, if only they’d let that Life touch them. God is with the abused too, and that is what we want to continue to help them experience. I, and those associated with this ministry want them to experience the Good Tidings, ancient and ever new. As Christmas approaches I'm reminded again that it is an honor to share such good news.

Blessings on you and those you love this Christmas.

Good Tidings...since 1983
http://www.goodtidingsministry.org