A Dream Within A Dream

My Lighthouse Tale

2013-07-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

Thought i'd do a little writing so y'all could understand how amazingly I am blessed, and share some thoughts I got from my trip, hope you enjoy. :)

   From the time I was a little girl, I have been completely obsessed with lighthouses. I'm not sure if it was due to my love of Edgar Allan Poe's "Annabel Lee" and the sea theme of that poem, or if it was my love for the bluegrass group Nickel Creek, and their song, "The Lighthouse's Tale". Regardless of why, I have spent many years enamored with lighthouses. Something about the fact that this one object can be a saving force, that this one structure can stand tall, and with its light alone bring many to safety, just intrigued me. I loved lighthouses, but being from Kentucky was never really given the option to see one in person. I held this dream close to my heart, but was never really sure when I would get the opportunity to visit one. I kept a picture of one above my bed, and had two lighthouse lamps in my room, just to remind myself of this dream. I managed to keep this dream before me, but did not know when this dream would become a reality.

   Last Thursday, I had spent most of the day working, and when I got off was about to get packed to head toward Winston-Salem for a business conference. I was excited, I love being a part of the business. I knew the weekend would be amazing just being a part of that team. On my way home, I received a phone call from my boyfriend who I was riding down there with, who had some interesting news. He told me to be ready in a few hours because we were leaving that night to visit somewhere on the way to the conference. For those of you that know us, this really is no odd occurrence, as travel is part of who we are. For example, when Kentucky made it to the National Championship we bought tickets Sunday morning and left Sunday night to watch them come to victory. So, spontaneous trips are a very big part of our relationship. Anyways, I was excited, and curious to know where we'd go. I actually looked up Cape Hatteras on the internet, because as I said before, it has always been a dream, but I just shook my head and said to myself that it was too far away from our destination and there is no way we would be going there. I even checked Google Maps, and the fact that it was 11 and some hours away, made me think that there was no way we'd be visiting OBX.

   I called Caleb on the way to my house, and that's when he told me where we were going. He said he was going to keep it a surprise, but he wanted me to look up which lighthouse I wanted in particular (there are a few different ones), and he needed help getting directions. That's when I looked at a website showing all the different lighthouses. Cape Hatteras was so pretty, seemed fairly easy to get to with no ferry ride, and we chose that as our destination. The whole way there seemed surreal. We took turns driving, and whenever it was my turn, since Caleb was asleep during some of that time, all I could think about was the destination. Each mile, each turn, I was one moment closer to reaching a dream of mine.

   This part of the story is where things got interesting. You see, not only did I get to enjoy myself at the lighthouse, and enjoy each moment, but I also learned some things on a deeper, spiritual level. As we neared the coast, we stopped for gas at a place with a miniature "fake" lighthouse on its property. It obviously was not a real lighthouse, but was just there for decoration. I do not know if it was there to excite the tourists or what, but I just thought it was pointless honestly. A real lighthouse gives light, it did not. A real lighthouse is there to be a beacon, a guide, something to give hope to those in danger. It is not something used to merely decorate a BP station. At first I kind of laughed and told Caleb, "I finally saw a lighthouse!" Yet, I knew a real lighthouse was much more than that. I thought of that on a deeper level, too. How many of us are just going through life as a "decorative" lighthouse? How many of us are just there, not really having any foundation, and certainly not any life-saving light?

   As we drove away from there, and towards our destination, it was really exciting. We had a lot of fun, spent the whole time laughing and talking. I felt like a little kid all over again the closer we got. Before we got to Cape Hatteras, in the distance I saw another real lighthouse, the Bodie lighthouse. It was the first ever lighthouse I saw. It was off in the distance, but it was still visible. It was standing tall, and to me, it was absolutely beautiful. I did get a chance to see it on the way back, but we kept pressing on to get to Cape Hatteras. We got closer and closer, until finally I could see it in the distance. It was breathtaking.

   I got out of the car, again still insanely excited, and made my way closer and closer to the lighthouse. We bought tickets and prepared to walk up to the top, taking picture after picture to make sure we had plenty of them to cherish this moment. As I neared the base, I was stunned at just how massive it was. Even from afar it seemed to tower over the fake lighthouse and the Bodie lighthouse. I remembered, though, that it is actually the tallest lighthouse in the United States. As we stood outside and waited for our turn to go up, one of the workers warned us all that it was 257 steps to the top, and to take water with us since it was 90 degrees and very humid and we'd be in an enclosed space.

   Finally, it was our turn! Not only did I get to see the lighthouse, but I got to go inside and head toward the top! At the base, I looked up and saw all the stairs spiraling to the top. It was amazing! Inside, it had an antique-y look to it, that I just loved. I walked up the stairs, and stopped at each lookout to see just how far we were making it. The view changed each time. There's only certain things that can be seen from a ground perspective, but the closer you got to the top, the more you could see, the more your sight was expanded. The view was even more and more beautiful the closer you got to the top.

   And then we reached it! The top of the lighthouse! I walked around and tried to get each angle possible. It is amazing what you could see from the very top. I could see the ocean for miles, where the beach access was, the parking lot where we'd come in, everything! It was absolutely gorgeous! I even leaned over the railing a little bit to see how far up we really were. It was a spectacular moment that honestly not even words could describe. It was the culmination of all the dreams I had as a little girl, each moment that I had thought about going to a lighthouse. I had fulfilled a dream, and one of the greatest parts about it was that I got to do it with someone who cares about me so much, he helped me make it happen. That moment changed my dream to reality, and it was even better than I imagined it would be.

   This thought was one that struck me also. Goals and dreams are good, but you know, I could not have gotten to that point if I had not have taken effort. If I had not made it of such importance, how would Caleb have helped me? If I never talked about it, he would have never known. What if I had been scared to drive that far, or did not want to make that spontaneous of a trip? What if I was too worried about climbing to the top? I could have said it's too far, it's too hot, i'm much more comfortable here on the ground. But I didn't, and with Caleb helping me get there, together we got to the top. My goal now is that with everything in our lives we work together in the same way.

   As we made our way back down, I was still so happy. I got a chance to really take my time and take in each little piece of the lighthouse. When I reached the bottom, I noticed it had some information about the lighthouse keeper. On a display, it said that each morning, and very early at that, the lighthouse keeper would get up early and take I think it was five gallons of oil and carry it all the way up the stairs to keep the light burning. As Caleb and I read this together, simultaneously we both commented on how that relates to your spiritual life. In order to keep the light shining, the lighthouse keeper had to be in good shape. He had to walk all the way up the stairs, not just by himself, but with 5 gallons of oil. I imagine that was not exactly light to carry. The lighthouse keeper also would not procrastinate. He kept the light going even if it took getting up early to do so.

   How much more important is all of that to us? It is so important that we stay in good shape spiritually. We will never keep our light lit the way we should if we don't make a conscious effort to keep it lit. Cape Hatteras lights one of the most dangerous shores in the Atlantic. How do you know that you are not lighting in one of the most dangerous times or places? God placed you where you are to light a certain area. Someone might need your light, and if you do not keep yourself spiritually fit, people may not be helped. It may not be easy or comfortable, but when you reach the top, you'll be able to see the big picture. You can't see what or who all is around you at the ground level. You have to get to the top before you can do that.

   Leaving Cape Hatteras, I kept thinking about the great time I had, the scenery, the laughs and spontaneous adventure, but I also thought about all of this. It's so important that we not be a fake, but a real lighthouse. One that is actually a beacon, a guide, something that gives help in danger. I'm so thankful I got to reach this goal. I know this is more than a memory, it is a moment that will always stay with me, that I will hold close to my heart. I am such a blessed girl to have a boyfriend who helps me achieve dreams, and a loving God who not only brought him into my life, but also gave me so much to think about as a result of this trip. And that is My Lighthouse Tale.

Ashley's Awesome Amway Boutique!

2013-02-15T21:08:00.000-08:00

So, I've just got started selling Amway... (Please don't stop reading there, I swear I'm not the Mary-Kay lady, or the door to door salesman, or a telemarketer. And not that it is bad if you are any of those things...ah well, I digress...) Anyways, and I'm so psyched about this awesome opportunity! Not only do they have some of the best affordable high quality products I have ever seen (whew that was a lot of adjectives, but it's true!), but some of the BEST people I have met ever in life are a part of this business. And I think that is an amazing thing!!!

Anyways, to the purpose of this blog post, I really want to get some word out on the products. I would love to help people get acclimated to what all we offer. Or at least a basis, and we'll build from there.

Nutrilite: Health supplements. Some of the best out there! NUTRILITE™ is the world's leading* brand of vitamin, mineral and dietary supplements.
The NUTRILITE™ brand offers you and your family a complete range of supplements and other products designed to address the nutritional needs of anyone at any life stage.

XS energy: Better than the average energy drink, and a lot better for you. High-powered proprietary blend of herbs mixed with potent levels of B-vitamins, and key amino acids, make for a rocket powered lift any time of the day. All of the sugar and 95% or the calories have been eliminated so you can energize your body and mind without storing fat.

Artistry: I actually just switched my make-up to this, and i'm loving it so far! It's not as heavy as most make-up. And Artistry sponsors the Miss America pageant! Skin care, make-up, and just about anything you can imagine in that realm!

Legacy of Clean: A really awesome line of cleaning products. From laundry detergent to dish cleaners to surface cleaners to on-the-go wipes, and much much more. And all of these products are environmentally friendly! An example of one of the best products is the intro bundle which includes: The bundle includes:

33.8 fl. oz. SA8® Triple Liquid Detergent-Floral
33.8 fl. oz. Fabric Softener-Floral
32 fl. oz. Pre Wash
2.2 lbs. TRI-ZYME® Detergent Booster
3.08 lbs. Dishwasher Detergent
32 fl. oz. Bathroom Cleaner
32 fl. oz. Glass Cleaner
32 fl. oz. Kitchen Cleaner
16.9 fl. oz. Dish Drops® Dish Liquid-Citrus
48-count box of All-Purpose Surface Wipes, and a FREE Stain Chart.

And all of that is only 70 bucks. In a typical store, you'd be spending a LOT more than that. And you wouldn't even have half of the quality.

There are also many other products I won't go into detail with at this moment, and a lot of partner stores that you can access through my website like Bass Pro, Best Buy, Barnes and Noble, and bunch more!!!

Anyways, so I said all that to say, check out my website! amway.com/Bussell
And if you've got questions, contact me! You can comment here, or if you were directed here through Twitter or Facebook, DM, retweet, message, wall post, or just text me! There's a million ways to get in contact with me.

Well if you've made it here, thanks for reading! I really appreciate it!

Digging through the mud...

2012-07-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes you gotta dig through the mud before you realize what you need..."

Yeah, I know this title and quote I'm starting this blog post with seem a little odd, but if you would have been with me the last couple days it would all make perfect sense to you. God is trying to do something great for me, and He used a completely random situation to do it. Anyways, here is the story.

A couple days ago, I was hanging out with my friend Kelsey. She's literally one of my best friends, and we spend quite a bit of time together. Well, Haley, another of our really good friends wanted to hang out with us. As college students, who work our lives away, we wanted to find something inexpensive to do. We tried to think of what we could do that could possibly still be fun, but not really require a lot of monetary imput. So, through a combination of mine and Haley's ideas, we decided to go to Fishing Creek on Lake Cumberland. Well, for those of you who know the area, you are aware that there is a playground area. That was our main purpose. Yeah, I know a 19, 20, and 15 year old going to a playground. Seems kinda odd, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Obviously, this got boring pretty fast, so we decided to walk where the lake used to be. (Again, those of you who know the area are aware of all the issues involving the dam and the water levels.) Through high grass and bugs, we walked along making jokes about dead bodies and pointing out random objects scattered through that area.

When we finally reached the edge of the water, we walked along the shore. As Haley took a few steps ahead of us, she saw a bunch of ducks. Seeing a muddy area, that looked no different than creeks we were used to, she decided she was going to try to get to the other side. I jokingly said, "Haley, if something happens to you out there, you know I can't help you." As she walked farther out, something seemed kind of funny. She seemed to be struggling getting her feet up. Finally her boots wouldn't move, and she sunk down into the mud. Haley was kind of alarmed by all this, and since I was wearing Kelsey's boots since mine were at home, Kelsey decided she would try to go help Haley get out of the mud. We still were laughing, not thinking that anything too dramatic would happen. I mean surely it was just a little mud.

Before Kelsey could even reach Haley; however, Kelsey had herself gotten stuck in that mud. On the shore my mentality honestly was, "Oh my lands, really, how hard is it to get out of a little mud?" So, in order to demonstrate how simple it must be, and to get them out, I decided I would also go out into the mud and try to rescue them. I was doing well at first. I found a stick I had planned to help pull them out with, then it happened. I started sinking. A few more steps and Kelsey's boots were stuck.

We all tried to think of ways to get out. A few calls were made, but the people we called were really in no rush to help. Finally, I came up with a plan. I wiggled one of my feet out of the boot, and tried to determine if that would help. I had a little more freedom that way, but was still sinking, and somehow managed to get both feet out of the boots. I managed a couple steps, and as a tried to walk toward Haley, in a more watery area, one of my feet really sunk down, and I felt like I was being pulled down. I could feel mud up to my hip, but I tried my best to remain calm, and somehow managed to drag that leg back to an area that wasn't so deep. All I could think about was how we needed a new plan, because this was a lot more serious than I imagined.

I maneuvered my way back to where I left the boots, and began to try to dig them out. I honestly wanted to leave them, but they weren't mine. It took me a good 30 minutes just to get them loose from the mud. It was like they were cemented there. Mind you, this is all while we are still stuck in the mud. After I got them out, something clicked and I decided to try something. I managed to get one foot out at a time, and take one step and sink down as far as I could go, then repeat with the next foot. It was a slow process, but I was making progress toward the shore. When Kelsey and Haley saw it worked, they also got out of their boots, found a way to get them out, and followed me to the shore. It was a long process, but we got out. It could've been a lot worse than what it was. I don't want to think about if I would have had both feet in the deep part, or if we would've sunk down farther, or even worse, found no way to get loose from it.

With all that being said, I have done a lot of thinking about this situation over the last few days. First, I thought, what if one of us had died. I know where i'm going when I die, but honestly, what have I accomplished in the time that I've had. Life isn't a guarantee, and each breath I take is a gift. What have I done up until this point that really impacts another life? Then I thought of the spiritual application. I needed this event to happen in my life to remind me that I need to serve the Lord, and do what I can with each moment that I have. In order to do that though, I have to get past the things in my life that are holding me down. The cares of this world will suck you down. There are things in my life, personal things, that I have a hard time getting past. But sometimes, you gotta dig through the mud, take it one step at a time, to find out what you really need. And it might take some time, but sometimes the most important things in life have a waiting period. But when that waiting period is over, and you have finally reached the end of the mud, it'll be worth it.

Perfect Plan--Written by Ashley Marie Bussell

2012-06-25T12:31:00.002-07:00

This is a poem I wrote this afternoon. I was kinda feeling down about not knowing the answers to some things in my life, this issue in particular. I couldn't really get out how I felt, until I wrote this. So, I hope it is a blessing to y'all.

"Perfect Plan"

Lord, I have prayed earnestly,
That You'll send him my way,
A Godly man who loves me,
Who from You will not stray.

I have tried to do what's right,
And wait for what You want,
Yet, He's still not in sight,
And doubts and worry haunt.

I wonder if I'm enough,
What do I have to share?
Maybe it is just too tough,
Someone for me to care.

And, please, do not take me wrong,
I don't want just a man,
I have waited oh so long,
Lord for Your perfect plan.

It's not that I don't trust You,
It is just hard to see,
Others, what's right, do not do,
They're happy as can be,

Help me the right way to take,
Even though it's so hard,
Let me do it for Your sake,
My heart I have to guard,

I know, Lord, Your help I need,
To put this in Your hand,
I want to follow Your lead,
Please, Lord, just help me to stand,

Remind me that it's worth the wait,
That You won't steer me wrong,
That Lord, You are never late,
Even if it seems long,

Big pictures are hard to see,
Not knowing what to do,
But what Your best is for me,
Makes this worth going through,

And one day, when You see fit,
And send me Your choice man,
All of the praise You will get,
For Your so perfect plan.

Written by Ashley Marie Bussell

I hope one day i'll be able to give this to my husband and be able to tell Him that God brought him to me. I'm praying to that end right now. I know that i'm not the prettiest girl in the world. I get that, but I do feel like I have something to offer somebody. I just pray that I become the girl that I need to be. I don't want to settle for just anything. I have seen so many people do that. I won't lie, it is scary, not knowing the future, or what it holds, but I know God knows what lies ahead. And honestly, that's all that matters.

How I feel about life at the moment :)

2012-06-14T20:42:00.002-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Z3AE-grMhs

Worry

2012-06-11T08:58:00.000-07:00

A couple nights ago, as me and one of my best friends in the entire world were pulling in her driveway, we had a one of the best discussions we have ever had. We talked about God, and how great He really has been. As the conversation drew to a close, one of the last topics stuck out to me. I even discussed it with another of my best friends. It was like this issue was stuck with me. The issue was that of worry. My thought was, how often do we worry about things that only God has control over? How often do we, even after he has shown us time and time again that He will work things out, sit and fret over what the future holds. God has done so much, just in the last two years alone, that I have no reason to worry about anything.

I haven't told many people this, but I remember in late November of 2011, I prayed that the Lord would show me exactly what I needed to do. I felt so stagnant in my Christian life. I prayed that God would take my life and make it what only he could. Days later, a relationship I had for a few years ended. I was upset at first, mainly because I felt like I had wasted all that time. I also had made my own plans for how I thought my life would work. I really believe, however, that it was God that caused it to end. I really feel like He had a better plan, for the both of us, too. I did not like the person I was becoming, and really he probably did not either.

As the weeks after progressed, I decided to really try to make sure I believed what I did because I believed it, and not because of any relationship I was in, or for what anyone else told me. When I say that, too, I do not mean Christianity. I knew I was saved, I knew that Jesus died on the Cross, and all that sort of thing, but I mean the day to day life as a Christian, and what God expects of us. I'm still learning, and probably will be until I die, but God has shown me so many things. He has taught me to expect things. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." I have an expectation that God will show me exactly what I need to do. God has shown me many things, that due to tradition, some people may not agree with, but that is ok. I have peace about it.

This brings me back to my topic of worry. Within even the next few months, I know I have a LOT of decisions to make. Within the next few years, too, I may make some life changing decisions. This worries me. I was reading my Bible the other day, and I came upon this verse, "Holding faith, and a good conscience; which some having put away concerning faith have made shipwreck" 1 Timothy 1:19. I do not want to make a shipwreck of my life. Too many people have invested too much into my life for me to ruin it. I want more than anything to become something great for the Lord. I have spent too much of my life already making my own plans and attempting to fit God in. I don't want to mess up. So this leads to worry. What if I take the wrong job? What if I do not do the right thing career wise? What if I miss an opportunity? What if I marry the wrong person? What if I FAIL? Honestly, that is probably what scares me more than anything. Failing.

Failing does terrify me, but what if I never attempt anything? What if all these worries stop me from attempting something for the Lord? Why should I worry? If you knew me two years ago, you would not even recognize me as the same girl. Well physically, yes, maybe you would, but spiritually and emotionally, i'm not the same. It is for the better, too! God did so many things for me to get me here. So many things that I do not deserve. And He did it just for me. So how can I worry about these things when God has already brought me this far? He knows what job I need through college, what career I need to pursue, if I will ever be able to do medical missions work like I really want. He knows what opportunities I need to pursue, who I should marry, and how I can avoid failing. More than that, He is the only One Who can pick me up if I do fail, and put me back on the right track. Just like He did last November.

People get on my nerves that:

2012-02-21T18:27:00.000-08:00

1) Are rude
2) Interrupt me when I speak
3) Are rude
4) Confuse me. (Which does not happen often)
5) ARE RUDE
6) Are mean to me.
7) ARE RUDE!!!!!!!!!!
8) Insult me
9) ARE RUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10) Hurt my feelings.
11) ARE RUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12) Are just plain mean and FLUSTER me!!!!

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! -_-

Me singing help is on the way

2012-02-04T13:30:00.000-08:00

The only thing that matters

2011-10-10T13:59:00.000-07:00

The Secret of Influence Written by Ashley Bussell

2011-09-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

An essay I completed last year during my studies at Berea College. Complete with works cited page and bibliography.

The Secret of Influence

Salvador Dali once said, “The secret of my influence has always been that it remained secret.” Throughout history, some of the most influential people have been hidden in the shadows. Sometimes, they may receive a brief mention, but much of their work is done with little appreciation or gratitude. These people are those that work harder than most anyone around them, bear some of the greatest burdens, and face the greatest trials. Most colleges have people like this in their history that help develop them into the great institutions they are. Berea College also has people like this in its history. Stories are often told of people like John G. Fee and J.A. R. Rogers, but there are two figures that have just as much of an impact whose stories are not told quite as often. The two people who deserve much more recognition than they receive are Matilda Fee and Elizabeth Rogers. Although often forgotten, and significantly overlooked, Matilda Fee and Elizabeth Rogers really should be given as much attention as the men they spent their lives supporting. These women did so much to help establish Berea College. These women had just as significant of an impact upon the founding of Berea College as their husbands, which they displayed through the support they gave their husbands, the talents they had, and through their unrelenting faithfulness to the cause they supported. Matilda Fee and Elizabeth Rogers came from a time period that was difficult for women in Appalachia and created a new environment and new opportunities for women in this area. The impact they had changed the course of the role of women at Berea and created a wonderful future for female students throughout Berea’s history.

All through the history of Berea College, John G. Fee’s name is recounted time and time again, but where is Matilda in all of these stories? Matilda was in the background through much of this history, showing the skill she had as a mother and wife. From the very beginnings of John G. Fee’s autobiography, Matilda is portrayed in a different way from most women of her time. Fee states, “One of the assailants, with a club in hand, rode rapidly up to me in a threatening attitude; but my wife, dexterous on horseback as he, at each moment, interposed herself between me and H” (Fee 9). How many women of her time period would really be able to help protect her husband from someone trying to assault him? If Matilda had not stepped in, John could have even lost his life. This same strength she showed in this instance would be constantly replayed throughout her life. A few years after Fee’s attack, when Matilda and John G. Fee had to leave Berea for a time during the Civil War, another story of Matilda’s strength is told:

Ten weeks had elapsed since I had seen my wife and the two eldest children. These were weeks of commotion, anxiety, and peril. As previously stated, when I started around by Cincinnati, my wife, with her two children, had started in her private carriage across the country for our inland home. The country at that time was full of soldiers, Union and Rebel…On Coming through Richmond, our county seat…she had not proceeded three miles when she was halted by Union pickets, who at first suspected she might be a rebel spy, conveying news to Kirby Smith’s men, who were already near to her home…She came to her humble home, constructed a bedstead, filled a tick with straw, borrowed a blanket to sleep under, lay down with her two children and slept, (Fee 34-35).

This single moment expresses the kind of strength Matilda had. Very few women, during that time period especially, would have the courage to travel alone through such hostile territory. Not only did she have to travel alone, but she also had the responsibility of caring for her children. She faced many moments like this throughout her lifetime, but faced them with a unique and quiet strength, something very different from other women of her time. Berea College would not exist without this special strength she brought to its founding. Without her, would John G. Fee have been able to even accomplish the things he did? Without her helping keep things in place in the background, he would not have been able to accomplish things as quickly or as efficiently. Although he did so many things for the founding of Berea, Matilda had just as important of a role in its founding.

Not only was Matilda a strong and skilled mother and wife, but she also was strong in the midst of personal turmoil, in the eyes of fellow Bereans, and in her service to her church and community. In her lifetime, she had to witness her house being burned, her children dying, and many other hardships. These difficulties could have caused her to become bitter, or they could have caused her to quit. Through it all, however, she stood resilient. It has been suggested that, “no visitor has come to Berea, no new worker come among us, who has not profited by her hospitality and her wisdom,” (Frost 10). Elizabeth Rogers even described her as a woman who “never flinched in times of danger,” (Rivage-Seul 17). J.A.R. Rogers even had only good to say about Matilda in his book when he said, “All her traits were those of the best class of Kentuckians” (J.A.R. Rogers 33). The people that surrounded her truly saw her as a much needed force in Berea’s history. Although she stood strong in trials, one of the most outstanding points of her life is the role she had in her church and the Berea community. Matilda was very active in her church, ministered to women, and spoke out loud in religious services, even though it was frowned upon during that time, (Rivage-Seul 17). Matilda even organized and led prayer meetings for women of the church. When the college was established, she helped by taking on an administrative role. From 1866 to 1884, she was the President of the Ladies Board of Care. Matilda also was a part of the Council of the Dean of Women from 1866 to 1895. With these positions, she was able to help women achieve the same educational opportunities as men, (Rivage-Seul 17). Matilda Fee rarely receives recognition for all of these wonderful things. At first glance of the history of Berea College, she really does not seem like a character of significant importance. In most of the stories you hear about the founding of Berea, she is briefly mentioned as merely a supporting character in John G. Fee’s quest for abolition. However, once you read about those early days, and when you actually read deeper into all the events surrounding Berea’s founding, Matilda Fee becomes a prominent figure. Through her strength, devotion, and service, Matilda Fee really had a significant impact upon the history of Berea College.

Although Matilda Fee had a great impact upon Berea College, there is another woman who also had a great impact upon Berea’s founding. Elizabeth Rogers, wife of J.A.R. Rogers, is this woman. Elizabeth Rogers is at least somewhat recognized for her role as a teacher and her impact upon Berea’s music program, but there is more to the story than this. Elizabeth married J.A.R. when she was not even seventeen years of age. Although her husband was ten years older than her, according to her personal history of Berea College, she felt as if she had a lot to learn. She wrote, speaking of the first months of her marriage,

Those were trying months, tussling with disease and many discomforts, and though I was on the whole pretty brave, I surely must have been a great puzzle to those plain western people. I knew so little of what women were supposed to know of housekeeping, cooking, and all that sort of thing; and I must have run across every rule laid down for the model minister’s wife; however, I gained the love of our people, and there were many happy days spent in this first town despite its lack of necessary comforts. (E. Rogers 4)

It must have been difficult to be such a young wife facing all those troubles, and then soon going to Berea, not knowing exactly what to expect. Although there was so much uncertainty, Elizabeth embarked on this new journey with her husband and became a great help to what Berea would become.

One important aspect of Elizabeth’s impact upon Berea was how she viewed her service and how she implemented her own form of service. Although her husband chose to go to Berea, she viewed her husband’s work as her own. She wrote, “It seems a little egotistical to say ‘we’, but in those days, we worked together as one soul, my husband planning, and we carrying out the plans together. Ah! That is to me the blessed part of our work.” (E. Rogers 9) What a legacy she left, to have been so dedicated to the work, that she did not just see it as her husband’s. The work of Berea College became so much to her that it became her own, and she was in such accord with her husband that she described them as working with “one soul”. For such a young woman to take on this role speaks a lot of the character that she had. When Berea College was finally established, Elizabeth did a lot of teaching. In Berea’s First Century, it is written:

Mrs. Rogers left her baby at the Wrights’ home across from the school, and did most of the teaching at first, while her husband called widely in the neighborhood. Soon fifty names were on the roll, and Professor Rogers taught the older pupils while his wife cared for the younger pupils. By the end of the term in June, almost a hundred pupils, including slaveholders’ children, were enrolled. (Peck 10)

Elizabeth, although very young, became a great teacher. In her husband’s book, he speaks of a special talent she had, and how it helped the students:

At once the best known methods of teaching were adopted and the best educational appliances were secured. Pleasing music was introduced, which seemed to have a magic effect. And those songs! They were among the great features for keeping harmony. The sweet refrains, the merry jingles, and the deeper notes of the gospel hymns all made melody in the hearts…The high-spirited young Southerners, not trained to serve under rules, might have rebelled but not for the many outward helps. It was beautiful to know the songs taught not only entered into the many homes…but also into the slave cabins as well. (J.A.R. Rogers 54)

This musical start that Elizabeth Rogers gave to Berea is still a part of the College to this day. All of the wonderful music ensembles that Berea is so proud of came about due to the impact of Elizabeth Rogers. Elizabeth Rogers’ view of service and the way she implemented her service caused her to become an asset to the founding of Berea College. Without her help, the Berea that we know would not exist.

Both Elizabeth Rogers and Matilda Fee had a profound impact upon Appalachia and Berea in their time. In order to understand the impact that they had it is important to examine the circumstances of Appalachia and the role of women in that time period. Although Matilda Fee and Elizabeth Rogers could be described as outspoken women who could have even been considered to be at the forefront of the founding of Berea College, many women of Appalachia during that time had a completely different kind of personality. Instead of being blunt and speaking their opinions, many Appalachian women were never given that opportunity. In an essay about women in Appalachian history, Barbara Smith writes, “As I try to write women into Appalachian history, insert them in the populist narrative of settling the frontier, fighting the coal operators, and stopping the polluters, the stories of my female ancestors contradict me.” (Smith 1) Women have been overlooked in the mountains for many years. The idea of a college also available for women was a different one as well. It has been said, “From 1783 to 1860 there were few occupations for which a woman might prepare, and the principal objectives of a girl’s formal education were the ‘3 R’s’, social status and a wedding ring,” (Boatwright 5). These Appalachian women worked hard and silently, without the same opportunity as the men around them. Perhaps the best way it could be summed up is by a quote by Emily Austin given in the year 1882:

From our birth to our death, we women are the slaves of prejudice and of circumstance. My ambition was not that of being idle. There was one thing I felt sure of, and that was a living, if no more; that was by hard work at the straw millinery. Work, constant, honest, well directed work: that is the only road to permanent distinction, lasting success. (Dunaway 159)

This is why the stories of Matilda Fee and Elizabeth Rogers are so important. They did so much, if not even more than their husbands, but following this pattern in Appalachian history, they are greatly overlooked. It is obvious that, “while women’s work was and is vital to the well-being of their families and communities, the centrality of women’s roles is not fully recognized in Appalachian society,” (Anglin 165). It is important that we acknowledge these women for the things they did, and the new ideas they brought to Appalachia as a whole.

Although women were not allowed the same opportunities in Appalachia as a whole during this time period, was Berea College any different? Although it was founded on equality for all people, was Berea College any different from Appalachia during its early days? John G. Fee was even quoted as saying, “The tendency of Christianity, the true civilization, is to elevate [woman], to make her man’s intellectual, social, and moral equal.” (Wilson 18) Berea really did many things that were not typical of their time, but there were still some areas that could be considered unfair for the women faculty and students. For example, education was certainly not equal for women in the beginning. Women were given a “Ladies Course,” which provided three years of classical curriculum, but excluded Greek. This course was primarily used to prepare women to become wives, mothers, teachers, and “interesting companions” for their future spouses, (Wilson 18). Even the wording of this course could be considered demeaning to women of Berea. The phrase “interesting companions” is a term that seems more descriptive of a pet than a partner, or someone “equal” to their spouse. The fact that women could not take Greek also seems very harsh. It also does not seem fair that women were really only expected to be a wife or teacher. Although these are two great opportunities, it does not seem fair to limit their opportunities to these two options. Although these things seem unfair, Berea did create possibilities that most Appalachian women of that time would not receive. In 1883, President Fairchild reported that the “whole number” of teachers who had served Berea College was forty-nine, thirty of whom were women, (Wilson 36). Also, the first African American instructor was a woman by the name of Julia Britton. It is impossible to talk of Berea’s earliest teachers and faculty without once again referring back to Matilda Fee and Elizabeth Rogers. Looking back on the things they did for Berea, who knows if Berea would even exist without them. The women of Berea certainly would not have been given the opportunities that they had been given without what these women did. Berea College was different from Appalachia as a whole during its founding, and that is partially because of these two great women.

After examining early Appalachia and Berea’s beginnings, it is important to consider if those circumstances have changed any in our current time period. Although many things have changed for the good for women, there are still issues that have yet to be resolved. According to a report of the status of women in Kentucky, Kentucky women only earned 70 cents for every dollar earned by their male counterparts and only 12.1% of women in the state had four or more years of college, (CSEGA 3). On a local level, this Appalachian state, which Berea is home to, is really struggling. Although this may be disheartening, conditions have been improving since the time of Berea’s founding. There are even organizations working towards creating better opportunities for Appalachian women. The Appalachian Women’s Alliance provides workshops, journals, education, and gatherings in an effort to help these women see their worth, their talents, and the opportunities available to them. (AWA 1) Circumstances have even improved on a national level. In the year 1979, female college students even outnumbered male college students for the first time, and since 1960 the proportion of college students who are female has risen from about one-third to one-half, (Bianchi 119). Berea’s policies have also certainly changed for women. The “Ladies Course” is no longer a part of the curriculum. Women now have the same opportunities as men when it comes to choosing a major. Women at Berea are no longer limited to choosing to become a homemaker or a school teacher. Berea College today is much different from the Berea College Matilda Fee and Elizabeth Rogers helped start. The circumstances for Appalachia and Berea have changed considerably due to the impact of these great women.

The following quote was one given by Elizabeth Rogers at the close of her Personal History of Berea College:

Did he or any of us feel our work was of no avail? Not at all. We had been busy sowing seed – we were going back to gather in the harvest by and by. All along our journey we parted now and again with our associates. Some we never saw again. What followed after our exodus is “another story”. (E. Rogers 26)

If she could see the Berea that we know today, she would be certain that her work did accomplish a great task. By the efforts of Elizabeth Rogers and Matilda Fee, Berea College was established and transformed into the wonderful place that it is today. With each time they stood behind their husbands, with each moment they embarked on a new journey to an unknown field, with each time they stood up for something that they held dear to their hearts, and with each time they created a new door for Appalachian women as a whole, they proved their significance. Although much of their influence is only acknowledged with a passing mention, these women truly deserve so much appreciation for all the things they did. Both of these women supported their husbands when so many people were against their cause, exhibited their own talents, and were unwavering in their fight to create a school that stressed the importance of equality regardless of race or gender. Without exception, these women took the work of their husbands and made it their own. Through their hard work, these women transformed what was the accepted role of Appalachian women during their time, and they created a new atmosphere and new opportunities for women students. Berea College has truly been enriched by the presence of these two immensely overlooked founders. Whether their influence always remains a secret, or whether people finally come to acknowledge all that these women gave, the strength possessed by Matilda Fee and Elizabeth Rogers is truly the reason Berea College stands as it does today.

Works Cited

Anglin, Mary. "Wage Work, Domestic Labor, and Gender Women in the Mica Industry in Western North Carolina." NWSA Journal 1.1 (1988): 165. Humanities International Complete. EBSCO. Web. (Page 165).

Appalachian Women’s Alliance, Appalachian Women’s Journal, Floyd, Virginia, 2007, www.appalachianwomen.org, February 11, 2011.

Bianchi, Suzanne M., and Daphne Spain. American Women in Transition. New York: Russell Sage Foundation, 1986. Print. (Page 119).

Boatwright, Eleanor Miot. Status of Women in Georgia, 1783-1860. Brooklyn, NY: Carlson

Pub., 1994. Print. (Page 5).

Center for the Study of Ethnicity and Gender in Appalachia, Research database, 2003, www.marshall.edu/csega/research, February 11. 2011.

Dunaway, Wilma A. Women, Work, and Family in the Antebellum Mountain South.

Cambridge:Cambridge UP, 2008. Print. (Page 159).

Fee, John G., The Autobiography of John G. Fee, 1891, edited by Edwin Brodhead, Barfusser Press, Berea, KY, 2008. (Pages 9, 34-35).

Frost, William G., Matilda Fee Biography: Life Sketch (with a personal tribute by Professor Hunting), Berea, KY, College Press, 1895, accessed by Berea Digital. (Page 10).

Peck, Elizabeth Sinclair, Berea’s First Century 1855-1955, University of Kentucky Press, Lexington, Kentucky, 1955. (Page 10).

Rivage-Seul, Peggy (Director of Women’s Studies Program at Berea College) and Elizabeth Crowe (President of LWV), Women of Vision in Berea, by the LWV of Madison County and the Berea College Women’s Studies Program, 2005, accessed by Berea Digital. (Page 17).

Rogers, Elizabeth, Personal History of Berea College, 1910, accessed by Berea Digital. (Pages 4, 9, 26).

Rogers, J.A.R., Birth of Berea College, a Story of Providence, 1903, accessed by BANC. (Pages 33, 54).

"Salvador Dali." BrainyQuote.com. Xplore Inc, 2011, http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/s/salvador_dali.html, February 11, 2011.

Smith, Barbara Ellen. “‘Beyond the mountains': The paradox of women's place in Appalachian history." NWSA Journal 11.3 (1999): 1. Humanities International Complete. EBSCO. Web. (Page 1).

Wilson, Shannon H. Berea College: an Illustrated History. Lexington, KY: University of

Kentucky, 2006. Print. (Page 18,36).

Bibliography

MONOGRAPHS: a book by one author on one subject

Barney, Sandra, Authorized to Heal: Gender, Class, and the Transformation of Medicine in Apppalachia, 1880-1930, Chapel Hill, University of North Carolina Press, 2000.

Blackwell, Deborah Lynn, The Ability to do Much Larger Work: Gender and Reform in Appalachia, 1890-1935, University of Kentucky, 1998.

Boatwright, Eleanor Miot. Status of Women in Georgia, 1783-1860. Brooklyn, NY:

Carlson Pub., 1994. Print.

Dunaway, Wilma A. Women, Work, and Family in the Antebellum Mountain South.

Cambridge: Cambridge UP, 2008. Print.

Medlin, Christine, The Influence of Significant Others and Gender Role Attitudes On the Educational and Occupational Processes of Women from Rural Appalachia, University of Tennessee, Knoxville, 1987.

Seitz, Virginia Rinaldo, Women, Development, and Communities for Empowerment in Appalachia, Albany, NY: State University of New York Press, 1995.

Wilson, Shannon H. Berea College: an Illustrated History. Lexington, KY: University of

Kentucky, 2006. Print.

COLLECTIONS, ANTHOLOGIES: an edited collection of chapters or articles

Beaver, Patricia D., ed., Appalachia and the South: Place, Gender, Pedagogy, Bloomington, IN: Indiana University Press, 1999.

Engelhardt, Elizabeth Sanders Delwiche, ed., Beyond Hill and Hollow: Original Readings in Appalachian Women’s Studies, Athens: Ohio University Press, 2005.

Smith, Barbara E., ed., Neither Separate Nor Equal: Women, Race, and Class in the South, Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 1999.

PERIODICALS: appear on a regular basis (daily, weekly, monthly, bi-annually, annually)

Anglin, Mary. "Wage Work, Domestic Labor, and Gender Women in the Mica Industry in Western North Carolina." NWSA Journal 1.1 (1988): 165. Humanities International Complete. EBSCO. Web.

Beaver, Patricia D. "Women in Appalachia and the South: Gender, race, region, and agency." NWSA Journal 11.3 (1999): Ix. Humanities International Complete. EBSCO. Web.

Brooks, Shannon. "Coming Home: Finding My Appalachian Mothers Through Emma Bell Miles." NWSA Journal 11.3 (1999): 157-171. Humanities International Complete. EBSCO. Web.

Smith, Barbara Ellen. “‘Beyond the mountains': The paradox of women's place in Appalachian history." NWSA Journal 11.3 (1999): 1. Humanities International Complete. EBSCO. Web.

REFERENCE WORKS: encyclopedias, dictionaries, collections of specific data

Alumni Association, Berea College, Alumni Catalogue 1870-1929, Berea College Alumni Office, Berea, KY, 1930.

Berea College, Women in Berea’s History: A Symposium, Berea College, Berea KY, 1986.

Bianchi, Suzanne M., and Daphne Spain. American Women in Transition. New York:

Russell Sage Foundation, 1986. Print.

Peck, Elizabeth Sinclair, Berea’s First Century 1855-1955, University of Kentucky Press, Lexington, Kentucky, 1955.

Sears, Richard D., An Encyclopedia of Genealogy and Local History Related to Berea, KY from 1854 to 1900, Berea, KY, 1996.

PRIMARY SOURCES: comes directly from the time or place or person investigated

Fee, John G., The Autobiography of John G. Fee, 1891, edited by Edwin Brodhead, Barfusser Press, Berea, KY, 2008.

Frost, Eleanor Marsh, “Letter to William G. Frost”, July 31, 1914, Accessed by Berea Digital.

Frost, William G., Matilda Fee Biography: Life Sketch (with a personal tribute by Professor Hunting), Berea, KY, College Press, 1895, accessed by Berea Digital.

Rogers, Elizabeth, Personal History of Berea College, 1910, accessed by Berea Digital.

Rogers, J.A.R., Birth of Berea College, a Story of Providence, 1903, accessed by BANC.

ELECTRONIC SOURCES: web sites, recordings, videos

Allison, Clark, John G. Fee-Founder of Berea College, 2007-2011, www.johnfee.org, February 11, 2011.

Appalachian Women’s Alliance, Appalachian Women’s Journal, Floyd, Virginia, 2007, www.appalachianwomen.org, February 11, 2011.

Center for the Study of Ethnicity and Gender in Appalachia, Research database, 2003, www.marshall.edu/csega/research, February 11. 2011.

"Salvador Dali." BrainyQuote.com. Xplore Inc, 2011, http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/s/salvador_dali.html, February 11, 2011.

Solberg, Dr. Ann G. P. and Catherine Morgan, Appalachian Women and Traditional Music, Appalachian College Association, 1999, http://community.berea.edu/awtm/, February 11, 2011.

An Essay I wrote last year on Identity....

2011-09-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

An Essay I wrote last year, with annotated bibliography.

Ashley Bussell

ENG 110

Dr. Cohen

November 20, 2010

“Lost Identity and the Works of Hawthorne”

Many of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s works analyze the relationship between lost identity and the many specific aspects of human relationships. Through the stories of Wakefield, The Gray Champion, and The Scarlet Letter, whether directly or indirectly, identity is classified by the relationship between characters, other characters, society, and the implications of behavior set as a standard for that society. When the relationships between these things are shifted from their original state a loss in identity occurs in the lives of these characters. This lost identity is tied to the specific topics of dominance, abandonment, influence, unity, and the idea of going against what is typically expected. Each of these issues deal with what a society generally expects, and explains how when you act contrary to the views of that society, your identity can be lost to not only them, but also yourself. Although people generally assume doing whatever you want regardless of what society expects could help you to find your own identity, these works explore the idea that those actions cause an opposite reaction.

In the story of “Wakefield”, Wakefield himself tries to be the typical dominant male force. Wakefield tries to assert this dominance by leaving his wife. The text says, “He will not go back until she be frightened half to death” (Hawthorne 2). It seems as if Wakefield is just hoping for a reaction from his wife. Considering the fact that Wakefield is the central theme of this story, and not his wife it would seem as if he was truly the dominant force in the relationship. As the dominant force, when he leaves, his identity becomes less clear. Perhaps Hawthorne was suggesting that when personal control over situations and in relationships is lost, identity is likewise affected. Wakefield goes from being this dominant force, to a character of little importance in his wife’s life. Angela Kelsey says in her writing on this issue of dominance in “Wakefield”:

She does change but not in the way that Wakefield would want. Even though she becomes ill after his disappearance, she does not die. “In the course of a few weeks, she gradually recovers; the crisis is over; her heart is sad, perhaps, but quiet; and, let him return soon or late, it will never be feverish for him again.” Just as the narrator's earlier reference to Mrs. Wakefield's "indulgence" allows for the possibility that she controls herself if not Wakefield, here her recovery from losing him (while he remains trapped in obsessive looking) suggests Wakefield's disempowerment through not seeing himself in the scene of his house, through her refusal to act as a mirror. (Kelsey 5)

As obvious from Kelsey, Wakefield did not know how to respond to the seemingly unaffected continuation of his wife’s life. Wakefield lost his power over her by stepping aside. This disempowerment Wakefield experienced greatly contributed to his personal loss of identity.

Within the topic of dominance, it is important for us to delve into the topic of abandonment. Returning to the story of Wakefield, it is important to see how the abandonment of his wife affected Wakefield himself. When Wakefield abandoned his wife, he abandoned his former life. By abandoning his former life, he, in a sense, abandoned his own identity. The text says:

We may suppose him, as the result of deep deliberation, buying a new wig, of reddish hair, and selecting sundry garments, in a fashion unlike his customary suit, from a Jew’s old-clothes bag. Wakefield is another man. The new system being now established, a retrograde movement to the old would be almost as difficult as the step that placed him in his unparalleled position. Furthermore, he is rendered obstinate by a sulkiness. (Hawthorne 3)

He became a completely new person, opposite of the man he once was. When he abandoned his wife, he abandoned the man he once was. This abandonment also caused his wife to become a different person, but her case is a little different. The changes made to her life were the results of a reaction, not an action. Doing an action opposite to your typical character, as seen in this story, caused Wakefield to lose his identity. His wife, however, simply responded to the issues around her. This idea of abandonment and identity could be compared to the Scarlet Letter. When Hester Prynne, was abandoned seemingly by her society, it was a result of her own actions. She had no impact upon the society she was a part of; therefore, her identity was gone. This leads to the next issue.

As seen in the stories of “Wakefield” and “The Scarlet Letter”, when you abandon others, the society you are a part of abandons your former identity. Continuing with the story of “The Scarlet Letter”, Hester became known solely as the woman with the ‘A’ on her dress. She was solely seen as an adulterous woman. This label was the only thing that defined who she was. The label did not describe her features, her character, or her personal motives. Because of her actions, the society she lived in refused to acknowledge any good that she may have done. This label replaced the identity that she had and she became lost in it. She had no impact upon society even though society had an impact upon her. The Scarlet Letter says in chapter 18:

But Hester Prynne, with a mind of native courage and activity, and for so long a period not merely estranged, but outlawed, from society, had habituated herself to such latitude of speculation as was altogether foreign to the clergyman. She had wandered, without rule or guidance, in a moral wilderness. . . . The scarlet letter was her passport into regions where other women dared not tread. Shame, Despair, Solitude! These had been her teachers,—stern and wild ones,—and they had made her strong, but taught her much amiss.

Although Hester may have learned from her situation, it came with a great price. She had to live a life of solitude simply because she did not acknowledge the standards of her society. It is clear from chapter 16 that it is not something she would want her own daughter to even do:

“Mother,” said little Pearl, “the sunshine does not love you. It runs away and hides itself, because it is afraid of something on your bosom. . . . It will not flee from me, for I wear nothing on my bosom yet!”
“Nor ever will, my child, I hope,” said Hester.
“And why not, mother?” asked Pearl, stopping short. . . . “Will it not come of its own accord, when I am a woman grown?”

It is clear that Hester, described here as something even the sunshine does not love, did not want the same fate for her daughter. This ‘A’ obscured the identity she once had, and left an object of scorn in its place. Relating back to the story of Wakefield, the text says, “It was Wakefield’s unprecedented fate, to retain his original share of human sympathies, and to be still involved in human interests, while he had lost his reciprocal influence on them.” His own wife did not even recognize him when he was lost in the crowd. Wakefield “gave up his place and privileges of living with men, without being admitted among the dead.” When he abandoned his wife, it seems like he was abandoned by society. He lived the life of a recluse. No specific moment in the text speaks of Wakefield even speaking to anyone during this period of his life. All relationship ties he had were broken, and as a result, his identity was also broken.

Identity is lost in Hawthorne’s works by the removal of human relationships and is tied to the idea of the “Union” and unity. When the relationship ties were broken, as described through the topic of abandonment, your identity can be broken as well. Kervorkian, in his writing on the works of Hawthorne and the connection to Lucretian physics, suggests that Hawthorne was against the idea of going to war for sake of the Union, and that that thought was depicted in “The Gray Champion” (Kevorkian 4). He explains that the Union itself is not a bad thing, but describes how Hawthorne did not like the war that began in hopes of creating that union. Perhaps, however, this actually shows that the absence of a union leads to this loss of identity. Take the example of the story of Wakefield. There is a certain comfort factor that is involved with a union of any kind, whether it is the union of a country, or a marriage. When that comfort factor is gone, that person’s identity becomes lost. In an article about an actual case of a disappearance, this comfort factor is indirectly explained. Rather than the person returning, they never came back. The article says, “As the years have passed, my brother has faded until he lacks even the definition of a Wakefield” (Harris 1). The article goes on to say, “The adult dropout’s motives, who he was, and who he now might be remain open, ineffable mysteries to the family left behind. Only the disappearance becomes tangible and complete” (Harris 2). When they unexpectedly leave the union they have been so comfortable and accustomed to, the identity they had is also gone. Comparing this back to the issue of war, Hawthorne could be comparing Wakefield’s departure to creating a war. By leaving, he created a personal turmoil within himself that would not have existed if he would have stayed with his wife. This personal turmoil led to this loss in identity.

The personal turmoil we see in the lives of Wakefield and Hester Prynne are directly related to the factor of going against what the society you are in expects of you. This one factor is one of the primary reasons their identities were lost. There is a specific system that people become accustomed to in society, and when that system is broken, the person’s corresponding identity is also broken. In the story of Wakefield, the closing lines fully explain this idea of lost identity. The story says, “Individuals are so nicely adjusted to a system, and systems to one another, and to a whole, that, by stepping aside for a moment, a man exposes himself to a fearful risk of losing his place forever. Like Wakefield, he may become, as it were, the Outcast of the Universe.” When Wakefield stepped away from the obligations society had placed upon him, he stepped away from the person that he was. By refusing to do what was expected of him, he lost his impact upon society. He really became an outsider, like a person who had once been on the inside, but now only could look at the inside from far away. Wakefield was an outcast, a recluse, an unseen member of society. The implications society expected of a man, especially during that time period, would have greatly detested the actions of Wakefield. Wakefield’s actions really left him without an identity. The Scarlet Letter also demonstrated this. No matter what personal opinion of Hester’s actions were, by going against what was expected of her as a member of that society, she lost the identity that she had once had. No one forced her and the minister to act the way that they did, and it was obvious that their actions would most definitely not be accepted in their society. In Kevorkian’s writings, he tries to connect Hawthorne’s works to the idea of Lucretian physics states that, “the natural universe does not guarantee freedom to pursue pleasure due to the risks involved” (Kevorkian 7). Perhaps this truly was what Hawthorne was trying to suggest. The lives of these characters show that you really cannot just do whatever you want due to the great risks associated with that behavior. People, especially those within societies that have clearly set expectations, do not have the freedom to do whatever they want because of the looming risk of a person losing their identity.

Throughout each of these stories and the sources given about them, it is obvious that lost identity is directly related to the relationships between characters and the society that they claim to be a part of. When the laws of society and relationships are broken, the identity of the person that broke them becomes lost. Through dominance, abandonment, influence, unity, and the idea of going against what is typically expected, the threat of a lost identity is clearly defined. With the stories of “Wakefield”, “The Gray Champion”, and “The Scarlet Letter”, it is clear how an identity is lost. Hawthorne showed how much impact relationships have upon your personal identity. When identity is lost, it causes, as the story of Wakefield says, “a fearful risk of losing his place forever.”

Marovitz, Sanford E., Review of Nathaniel Hawthorne: His approach to Reality and Art, by Keisuke Kawakabo, Kent State University, Nathaniel Hawthorne Society, 2003. (Review)

This was a review of a book written about Hawthorne. It was not as useful to my topic as I thought it might be at first due to the fact that it was a little more biographical at times. It spoke often of transcendental views and the way that connected to his stories. One quote I found useful was as follows: “[his] transcendental viewpoint made it possible for the romancer to reconcile the existence of essential beauty with the grim reality that may overlie and conceal it.” This quote set part of the stage for the relationship between this viewpoint and the topics of irony of life, human imperfection, and the importance of a “middle way”. These topics were explored in a little more detail, and they touched on morality a little.

Kelsey, Angela M., Mrs. Wakefield’s Gaze: Femininity and Dominance in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s ‘Wakefield’, March 1994. (Monograph)

I found this source very helpful. The dominance issue became one that I was very interested in and this source helped to see dominance through the eyes of Mrs. Wakefield rather than Wakefield himself. The source really helped me to see how dominance really was depicted in this story. It explained the reaction of Mrs. Wakefield, and depicted her to be the strong character in the story. It even suggested that just as Wakefield has a sense of wanting to dominate his wife by leaving; Wakefield dominates the reader by suggesting a connection between himself and the reader. This source also slightly discusses the implications of the crowd in Wakefield’s life.

Harris, Christopher, “Gone, Why?”, New York Times, December 11, 1980. (Article)

I found this article to be especially helpful. It was an article written based on Mr. Harris’ actual experience of a Wakefield-like disappearance. At the time the article was written, his brother had been gone for fifteen years. He explained how it is actually more common than one might suppose it to be. He compared it to Wakefield’s disappearance and the disappearance of Flitcraft in “The Maltese Falcon”. This source explored the idea of motive and current identity in the new lives of the missing people. The last lines state: “Only the disappearance becomes tangible and complete.” This suggests that you cannot really know what they are like. The identity they once had is gone and all that is tangible is the disappearance itself.

Maus, Derek, The Devils in the Details: The Role of Evil in the Short Fiction of Nikolai Gogol and Nathaniel Hawthorne, Papers on Language and Literature, Winter 2002. (Article)

Although this source was interesting, it was not hugely helpful to my research process. It discussed many of the symbolic and physical embodiments of evil in his stories, but my focus of research does not really involve the theme of evil. I think adding that into my essay would be more harmful than helpful to my essay. One quote I found that was interesting to me was, “his best works, his moral allegories, always based on the indelible presence of sin in the human heart, have a power to make interior drama visible.” Although my essay was not on the presence of sin necessarily, it does lead you to look at the story of Wakefield a little differently.

Kevorkian, Martin, Within the Domain of Chaos: Nathaniel Hawthorne, Lucretian Physics, and Martial Logic, Studies in the Novel, Summer 1999. (Article)

This source was interesting and useful to my research. It begins by expressing how Hawthorne saw the Union as unnatural due to the war that caused it to be. He did not think that it merited the shedding of blood. It goes on to explain the ideas of freedom and pleasure as it concerns Lucretian Physics. Basically, it explained that the Universe does not guarantee the freedom to do as you please because of the dangers or issues that could be involved with doing as you want. The source relates this idea to the disappearance of Wakefield. It insinuates that much of Wakefield’s problems came because of his opposition to this standard.

Stoehr, Taylor, Hawthorne’s Mad Scientists: Pseudoscience and Social Science in Nineteenth-Century Life and Letters, Shoe String Press, 1978. (Monograph)

This book explored the different social science issues (such as feminism, prison reform, and spiritualism) and a few pseudoscience issues in some of Hawthorne’s works. Although some of the social science issues could be applied to some of the other topics in my research paper, this source really was not all that helpful. It was a different way of looking at some of Hawthorne’s works, but it did not really give me the type of information needed for my project. Perhaps the most helpful section was the one on feminism, which could possibly help the dominance topic. Other than that one, though, it was not really helpful to my task.

Idol, John, How Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Narratives Are Shaped by Sin: His Use of Biblical Typology in His Four Major Novels, (Review of that novel), Spring 2009.

I found this review helpful because of the discussion it gave about interpersonal relationships. It described how that book explored Hawthorne’s exploration of New England’s view of mankind’s issues with sin. It explained that Hawthorne like to depict his characters as “gray” rather than either black or white. This was helpful to the topic of the Scarlet Letter and Wakefield, because their actions determined their identity in a sense, and it is important to understand their actions. It is also important to understand society’s view of the character’s actions. Although their actions were in more of a gray area, if society did not see it that way, the identity they had would struggle to be seen.

Pearson, Norman Holmes. "Hawthorne, Nathaniel (1804–1864)." Encyclopedia Americana. Grolier Online, 2010. Web. 29 Nov. 2010. (Reference Source)

This source was primarily used for background information in order to understand the events of Hawthorne’s life and how it impacted his writing. It speaks at the beginning of his love of freedom and solitude. I thought this was interesting considering how some of his stories had these interwoven themes within them. His solitude was by being outside. His mother, however, was referred to as a recluse. Perhaps this motivated some of Hawthorne’s works. This biographical source referred to Hawthorne’s symbols as psychological and imprecise, and suggested that this was one of the things that made him the author that he was.

Random singing in my room :)

2011-09-12T14:40:00.000-07:00

My Life--by me. :)

2011-09-12T14:03:00.001-07:00

My Life

I want my life to count for more
Than a few mere dollars made.
For time on Earth is truly short,
And her money soon will fade.

I want my life to hold much more
Than a vessel full of pride.
I’d rather be a servant here--
Content in the shadows hide.

I want my life to speak of more
Than my own fleeting story.
I’d rather tell of Christ so dear
And give Him all the glory.

I want my life achieving more
Than survival for a day.
Others to Him, I want to win--
Then help them to find the way.

I want my life to ponder more
Than just a trivial thought.
I long to help some wayward soul
Who is trapped in sin and caught.

I want my life expecting more
Than only temporal fame.
I’d rather spread the cause of Christ--
Magnify His holy name.

I want my life to see much more
Than a flashing TV screen.
I must achieve the most I can,
Though, I know I’m just a teen.

I want my life to help someone,
And a life I want to touch.
I will try to do all I can,
For the harvest is so much.

I want my life somehow to be
What the Lord has planned for me.
To be surrendered to HIS will--
That is what my life must be.

If I Never Had A Sorrow--written by me. :)

2011-09-12T14:02:00.001-07:00

My poetry...it is a big part of my life, so I decided to share my most recent creation with y'all. It's not perfect but it's my life. :)
If I never had a sorrow,
What would joy mean to me?
And if I never worried about tomorrow,
What would my prayer life be?
If a loved one never died,
What would memories mean?
And if I had never cried,
On who would I learn to lean?
If a friend was never lost,
For a real one would I yearn?
If my mistakes never cost,
What would I ever learn
If i'd never been forsaken,
Would the truth I ever see?
If I didn't take the path less taken,
On the right path would I be?
If I never went without,
Would I value a meal?
If hurt never came about,
How would I learn to heal?
If I always knew what to do,
On who would I depend?
If hard times I never knew,
Help to others could I lend?
If I never failed a test of life,
Would I learn to start again?
If I never had any strife,
Real victory would I win?
If a trial I never had,
Who would I have grown to be?
And if times had never been bad,
What would have become of me?

But Why?

2011-01-03T13:04:00.001-08:00

But Why? (A story I wrote for my english class)

Darkness, it will come, sometimes in the light, and forces of “good” are not always right. These words were written, encoded into the depths of my heart. “I’ve worked so hard!” I yelled, but a voice inside me screamed, “But why?” “Well, I have been,” my eye began to twitch, and I paused to regain my focus, “I have been doing all the right things!” “But why?” the inward voice, I assumed to be my conscience questioned once more. Frustration took over my being as I spoke, “Because they are the right things to do!” As I looked at myself in the mirror, and then turned away, I heard, “But why?”

I had to tell the voice, my own conscience, myself, the events of the day. “I woke up as always, my phone by my bedside, in case a dear friend needed someone in whom to confide. People love to tell me their problems, their exciting news, and the most recent gossip,” my eye started twitching, “Well; I guess the gossip was not necessary.” I took a deep breath, a little calmer, as if I had pleased the voice for a moment. “Mrs. Blather needed someone to talk to this morning. Since I am such a good person, I,” my eye once again started to twitch, “I could do nothing but oblige.” Oh, no, I screamed as I heard, “But why?” “People need to hear my counsel!” The voice seemed to charge me with some supposed sin. What sin could it be, though, when I was only doing what was right?

Regaining my composure, I continued with the events of the day. “About mid-day, I dropped off my daily contribution to the nearest Salvation Army. To my surprise, a reporter from the local newspaper was there. He was so impressed,” the twitching lasted an especially long time this time, “He was so impressed by the fact that today I had set a new contribution record. I’m glad I can do my part to help those less fortunate than me.” Feeling very proud of myself, I was surprised to hear, “But why?” My body began to shake, and I trembled as I said, “I was only doing the right thing!” The voice seemed to scream the words at me, “But why?” A twisted shriek came out of me. Why was this voice questioning my motives again? “What is so wrong about doing something good for someone and being,” the twitch took over both my eyes now, “and being rewarded for it?” I heard nothing. I was actually waiting for the voice this time. The voice never came, though. “Where are you?” I yelled, and terrified myself as I dropped the glass I was holding. It seemed like the voice was waiting for something.

Ignoring the broken pieces, I started to continue with the story of my day, but instead I just replayed them in my mind. The elderly lady I had helped across the street, the dish I cooked for my sick neighbor, the visit I made to the hospital to visit a member from my church, the fundraiser event I had planned, and so many other things I had done in only one day. “But why?” The voice threw the words at me. Quietly, I answered back, the only thing I knew to say, “For me. It was all for my benefit,” the twitching did not stop, but I continued speaking, “It was all for me!” At last as some unknown feeling overtook my body, I finally understood; darkness, it will come, sometimes in the light, and forces of “good” are not always right.

Hwy. 39 Drivers

2010-12-14T07:41:00.000-08:00

I found this from back in my senior year...hope you like it.

I know this is a bit random, but on the way to school this morning, I gave Kelsey a long list of my pet-peeves of driving. I decided I would make a list and share it with everyone.

1. People who don't use their turn signals. Especially when they randomly brake in order to turn. I want to scream, "I'm not psychic. I don't know what you're doing. Please use your turn signals. They're there for a reason."

2. Random braking for no reason. There is no reason to constantly ride your brakes.

3. People with obnoxious bumper-stickers. Anytime I see an obama one it makes me want to rear-end them.

4. People that pull out in front of you randomly, go about 2 miles an hour, then turn off a mile later. It's really annoying.

5. Insanely slow drivers. You can attempt to go at least 5 miles under the speed limit...

6. Insanely fast drivers. There is no point in driving 100 mph. Especially in Kentucky. Do you want to wrap your car around a tree? Or drive through a fence row? Or hit a cow? (Which has happened before, lol)

7. Loud stereo systems that give you an instant migraine. I know people like music, but you don't have to share your annoying rap music with the world.

8. Tractors, four wheelers, horses, and bikes. Enough said.

9. People walking on the side of the road wearing clothes that blend in with the road.

10. People that speed up when you try to pass them. It makes me wonder why they can't drive like that all the time?

11. Being passed by someone that is going way too fast...It scares me. Seriously, don't pass me on a curve-hill going 90 miles an hour.

12. People that yell at other drivers thinking they actually hear them. (Wait, I do that...)

13. People that don't turn their car lights on when they are driving at night.

14. Those car lights that are so bright you are temporarily blind.

15. People that forget their lights are on bright...I have done that before and I'm sorry!

16. The weird speed-up, slow-down yo-yo that some people do.

17. New teenage drivers...yeah i've been there. I would not have wanted to meet me on the road.

18. Really old drivers that probably shouldn't be driving, but do anyway.

There are a lot of things that annoy me, but these are just a few on my list. I wanted to write this as a reminder also to be careful. I joke a lot about crazy drivers, but no one's perfect. I've done some of the things on this list. A car isn't a toy, so remember when you drive, you aren't the only one on the road. Be careful.

And also, try to be Christ-like. I know it's difficult, especially on Highway 39, but try. :)

.

My Life

2010-12-13T14:29:00.000-08:00

My Life...
Has never been exactly simple. For a while I had everything, or so I thought, but what I had turned out not to be what I want or needed.
When you start the path of growing up...your life changes. Your "friends" you realize may not actually be your friends. It's really hard to realize that just because people cannot get out of their own bubble long enough to realize there may be another opinion, they completely shut you out.
This leads me to the issue of my college choice. You have no clue how many people say i'm 'sinning' because I go to a public college. But you know, I believe God led me there. I have learned so much about people so i'm gonna share some about it.
1. People...even if they aren't Christian, sometimes those that aren't are some of the best people in the world. The down to earth people are kind, funny, and more accepting than you'll ever realize. So you're the girl that wears skirts all the time, who cares? They realize everyone has their issues, you know?
2. My own outlook on life....Sometimes you just need to grow up. You don't know everything about life, but although that's true, that's ok.
3. Friends...sometimes the people you don't think will be there for you are the only ones standing by your side.
Anyways, I may write more later....

Modern Day Politics

2010-10-09T17:35:00.000-07:00

As i'm reading The Conservative's Handbook by Phil Valentine, I think to myself, "Why is it that more people cannot or will not accept simple truths?" Modern day politics is full of people that seem to give no thought to morals at all. What's the problem? There are many problems of today's America, but I will list what I think a few problems are.

1. The Anti-God nature of many of America's leaders.

It is sad that the God many of our fore-fathers worshipped has been thrown aside and rejected by much of our country. If that's not bad enough, some of the so-called Christians of our time don't even really act like they are Christians.

2. Moral Relativism.

I've heard this theory all too much. This theory is that morality is relative, and different moral truths hold different for different people. Well, if that is the case, then why is murder wrong for everyone? Moral truths are not things that can be changed whenever you feel like it. Morals are unchangeable.

3. Abortion.

The idea of moral relativism leads me to this. What barbaric person came up with the idea of abortion? Especially partial-birth abortion, which literally involves the baby being "delivered" feet-first, and before the head comes out, they basically suction it's brains out. How terrible is that! Within moments it would have been a delivered baby...just seconds away from seeing the world, but instead had its life snuffed out by some "doctor".

I'll write more later, because this is just part of my rant. It's so sad that I can see this, but a million Americans, many older than me, cannot.

Human reasoning

2010-10-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

"When you try to put human reasoning against the Bible, you end up looking like a jack-leg" Bro. Tony Hutson.

Although this is kinda funny, it's so true. God's way is so far above our own. His ways are not our ways.

God's Way

2010-07-31T16:04:00.000-07:00

"God's way is always right, you may not always understand this, but He always is right."

This statement has meant a lot to me recently. I am young, but already i've gone through some things that most people know nothing about. Somehow, I have learned that each event has helped make me the person I am. Have I always understood why things have happened? Definitely not! Yet, somehow, God's way always is right. It is amazing how one small thing can become so important to your life.