Pieces of a Gal

bye bye

2014-01-30T09:13:00.002-05:00

Hey lovelies. So I'll cut to the chase. The BG has asked me to shut this whole operation down. Ugh. I wasn't lying when I told you he is the fun police. I kind of want to give out his email and cell phone so you can call him and tell him to relax.

I get it. Kind of. He's private. He doesn't think I should be glorifying irresponsible parenting. He obvi takes himself too seriously. I wish he understood the part about this being therapeutic. About it being an outlet for me. I'm going to make him sit down with me tonight to go through all of emails, texts, and private FB messages that I receive from those that read this wee little blog. You help me. I think I help you. I'm going to continue to write. I have to. I just won't be sharing.

Yup, I'm sitting here crying right now while my kids are tearing apart the spice rack in my kitchen. Grr.

The most upsetting part is that I've been working on writing a book for quite some time. I'm sure it will never get further than my desktop but it was/is my dream to someday complete this book and maybe even have it published. Obvi that's going to be a little difficult because it's personal. The BG hates personal.

So thanks for joining me on this little journey. It's been fun. It's been real.

Onward....

I must now clean up this effing mess. xox

Rainbow Doom

2014-01-30T07:49:00.000-05:00

Morning. Before I enlighten you with this next rash of BS I need to make a correction to yesterday's I am amazing post. My friend (the one I almost ran over while not paying attention and most likely speeding) reminded me last evening that she was also pushing her infant son in the stroller when this alleged offense occurred. Yup. Only thing I can say about this - the title of the post should have been I AM UNBELIEVABLY AMAZING.

If you can move on from that....let's talk about the Rainbow Loom.

I'm not fan and I don't even own one. M, like every other tot in the world is crazy over making those gawd awful bracelets, necklaces and rings. I'm well aware of fact that the doom loom is a fun little activity to keep them occupied. Trust me. Anything to keep my children entertained and I'm on board unless of course it involves the annoying voice of a bald four year old named Calliou or the loom of doom.

Pictured below is the problem {I'm not talking about NPF4's hairline, although it is something to be admired}

Look at that - the little fella is standing on a rocking chair. Unattended. Crying. NPF4 climbed up and couldn't figure out how to get back down. Where am I? Snapping a photo of course. Right on. Please, don't forget to click the mom of the year button at the bottom of this post when you're finish reading. I'm worthy. Truly, I am.

Back to my doom loom rant. Those tiny elastics are everywhere. They are littered {ahem} throughout the house. I find them in the dryer, under the covers of my bed, on the floor, in-between the couch cushions and most recently in NPF4's toots. Nothing like giving your child a good ole' wipe to learn that he ingested a small elastic band for dinner last night. On the positive side - it was purple, M's fav color.

There are a couple things I can do to address this problem:

Get rid of NPF4. I could easily pack up his stuff and drop him off at my parents and pick him up in say seven years, which is prolly the age he'll stop putting junk {aside from my cooking} in his mouth. At the same time I can also drop off the dog. I don't need to pick him. He can take up residence at my parents. Permanently. Woof. This seems like the logical option.

Another option involves me parenting. What? Yes, like actually watching my child to make sure he doesn't put things like Rainbow Loom elastics in his mouth. This is also a seemingly good option but unfortch out of the question. xox

i am amazing

2014-01-29T09:42:00.001-05:00

Yup, you read that correctly. A.MAZE.ING. I'm mentally exhausted after yesterday's post, so today I've decided to share with you some of the reasons I am so effing great. Ready. Set. Go.

I know I am amazing because:

When M puked in my bed last week I just covered it with a towel and went back to sleep.
I put my hood and sunglasses on at 5:30pm and tiptoed into Dunks to buy my kids munchkins for dinner cause I was too lazy to cook BUT I got busted by a fellow daycare parent in line for coffee behind me.
I told the BG that Crew Cuts was having a sale and that I needed to buy M clothes when in fact there was no such sale. The J Crew spring line had just come out and I needed to buy new garb for myself.
I let my kids watch hours of television so I can try to beat level 158 on Candy Crush.
I hide in the bathroom and pour M&M's into my mouth instead of giving them as a reward to M when she does tinks and toots in the toilet AND then when she asks where the M&M's have gone I tell her that dada ate them.
A friend recently informed me that I almost hit her with my shaggin wagon when she was in the crosswalk attempting to cross the street because I wasn't paying attention. Ouch.
I read FB statuses and posts by other moms regarding paleo diets, red #19193048, cloth diapers, no tv time and think to myself - my kids are going to turn out so much cooler than yours. Or fatter.
I don't keep track of the money in my checking account and got declined for $2.41 at Dunks drive thru for having insufficient funds WHILE the BG was sitting in the passengers seat thus resulting in the lecture of a lifetime.
I pick up the phone when my kids are doing something completely unsafe or disgusting and record them or take a pic instead of reprimanding them.
I tell M on a daily basis that Calliou is the worst character on the face of the earth and that if she continues to watch the show she will have no friends.

You are jealous. Being amazing is no easy feat. Carry on lovelies. xox

Surrender

2014-01-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

I found the transition from one child to two ~~hard~~ incredibly hard. M and NPF4 are 20 months apart, the BG works 80-90 hours a week - maybe this was why - or I just suck at life. You be the judge. Either way, it was challenging. More often than not I found myself waking up in the morning with this impending sense of doom. How will I entertain them today? What am I going to feed them for breakfast, lunch and dinner? These questions were typically met with - I don't want to entertain them all day and I certainly don't want to be creative in planning three meals. I would dread the hours from 7am wake-up to 8pm bedtime because I was alone. Alone with the kids. Alone in my thoughts. Just alone. It's strange how my house could be filled with so much noise - laughing, crying, yelling, singing, barking, the rattling and banging of toys and all the other sounds of a day and yet I still felt so alone.

It was almost like going through the motions. Rolling the ball back and forth to NPF4, coloring with M, reading, arts and crafts, dancing, play dates, lunch dates, gymnastics, music class, park, playground blah blah blah. It's not to say I didn't enjoy doing these things with my children. I did. I do. Something was missing. It just wasn't enough for me. I had very little sense of satisfaction. The monotony was almost debilitating. The BG would often say "what did you expect? This is your life. This is it. This is what we signed up for. Try to enjoy it. Stop fighting it." He was right. To say I was fighting it is an understatement. I hate when he is right. Am I ever going to be right? Digressing.

There had to be more. This couldn't be it. This couldn't be my life. When I thought about what the BG said I would become overwhelmed with anger and disappointment. I was angry and disappointed with myself. Why did I feel this way? I worked so hard to get pregnant - I made it my life's mission at one point. I had these two perfect little beings and I had never felt so alone, sad, empty, confused, bored....and a million other emotions. I would question whether I should even be a mom or why I wanted to have kids in the first place. I was supposed to be treasuring all these precious moments right? Don't get me wrong - I laughed a lot during this time. A real lot. My kids are innocent, sweet and delightfully comical. I just struggled with being in the moment and savoring the funnies as well as accepting the piss, puke and poop on the couch, nebulizer treatments four times a day, gallons of milk spilt on the floor, boxes of cereal being poured into the dog's water bowl, handles being ripped off the oven, fridge and dishwasher, trips to the ER and everything else that ensues in a days time when you have little ones.

Why was I fighting motherhood? Ya, sorry I don't actually have the answer to this. All I can surmise is that I lost myself somewhere between shooting myself up in the stomach with infertility meds and caring for a preemie. I needed to just let go. To just be, which is easier said than done - for me anyway. According to my neighbor, I needed to surrender to the goat. Yes. She actually said this to me. Surrender to the goat. What? You're getting a goat? Pretty sure I responded with "I would rather surrender to the llama." Best word EVAH. Obvi.

I needed clarification on this whole goat thing. I was confused. Shocking. So the short of it - my neighbor had read a blog years earlier where a mother talked about surrendering to the goat. Meaning, this particular mom did not necessarily want to go to the zoo every week and look at the stinkin goat but she did because it's what her children wanted to do. They loved the damn goat. Eventually she surrendered to the goat and accepted the situation. She embraced the goat because she is a mom and moms are selfless. She embraced the goat for her kids. Get it? That wasn't the very best explanation but hopefully you're smart and you get what I'm talking about. Actually, you aren't smart if you're still reading this epic post. In fact, I'm boring myself at this point and need to stop. This is way too effing long and bordering on obnoxious.

Stop reading. Grab a chocolate frosted doughnut and come back in a few.
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How was it? Yum, I hope.

So who knew all I needed to do was surrender to the goat? Apparently, my neighbor and the BG, although he did not turn me onto to the whole goat movement. Yup. Loving that I just referred to it as a movement.

Bottom line: I let all the other stuff get in the way of enjoying myself and my kids. I focused too much on the parts of my day that were downright horrid instead of celebrating the fact that M spelt her name or that NPF4 said mama. I paid more attention to what needed to get done around the house or the errands I wasn't running. I couldn't just sit and be. What was I in search of? The BG was right, this was/is my life. It's okay. It will be okay. This phase isn't forever. I'm often reminded of this when strangers at the grocery store see me with my lil' devils and offer comments such as "enjoy this time. It goes by so quickly. Oh, how I miss those days." Why is it that when I'm in the moment, in the shit so to speak I'm not feeling this way? I mean some days I do and some days I don't. I'm scared to death I'm going to look back and regret that I wished away this time. Fifteen years from now when I see a mom carting two tots around the grocery store will I stop and smile and say "enjoy it, I miss those days?" Right now I can't imagine ever uttering those words.

Don't mistake my tone, M & NPF4 are the reasons my life is worth living. They are the best things that ever happened to me. I would not trade one millisecond of my life for anything in the world. I didn't get here - a confused gal riddled with self doubt - because I'm a bad mom. I got her because like so many other mamas I have sacrificed every ounce of my being for my children. There is a danger in this. Selflessness is wonderful but dangerous. I can write about the beauty of my life and the many things I have been and continue to be blessed with. I enjoy sharing those moments as well but I also enjoy acknowledging these small revelations I have about being a mom and wife. I think my journey helps others because it's real. It's honest. I'm not embarrassed to admit I had sever postpartum after both my children. I'm not afraid to admit that my marriage is far from perfect. I'm not afraid of growing and leaning and sharing my journey with you and hopefully giving you a little chuckle along the way. He haw.

Onward.

So, basically I need to surrender to the fact that M swoons over puzzles and that we are prolly gonna to do the same one over and over again for the next two months and that NPF4 will pick up a toy off the ground, place it on the table and then swipe it off and repeat this same sequence over and over for hours on end. Swiper no swiping!

I spend hours upon hours of my life pinning quotes on being grateful and I sometimes feel as grateful as I think I am that I'm not really at all. Or do I just need to remind myself that I am lucky. Very lucky. That I don't (for the most part) take one ounce of my good fortune for granted. I know that my very worst day to some would be their very best day. For me I think it's as simple and as complicated as this: life can be great and life can suck. So I surrender. It's okay to awake some mornings and think I just don't want to be a mom today. It's okay to want ME time. It's okay to ask the person at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru if they need 3 year old or 1 year old workers for the day. It's okay that there is piss on the couch, split milk on the floor and unflushed poop in the toilet. It's okay that the dishes in the dishwasher are starting to smell because I don't have any dish detergent. It's okay that I spray our washed laundry with Febreze because it sat wet in the machine too long and I'm too lazy to rerun it. It's okay that I let the dog out at 8am and didn't let him back in until 1pm because I forgot about him. It's okay that NPF4 prefers the dog food to his own. It's okay that M asks me to take pics of her poops in the toilet to send to dada while he is working. It's all just okay. Ya know why? Cause at the end of the day if my kids go to bed alive and happy that's all that matters. They are healthy and happy.

I on the other hand am a work in progress. As much as I want it to be about me - it's just not. As a mom I have sacrificed pieces of me in order to give my kids what they need. In due time I'll start recollecting those pieces, putting them back together and begin morphing back into me. I've already started.

I'm learning albeit slowly that this is my life and it's a good one. I need to remind myself to stop, take a moment, pull my head out of ass and recognize that it really doesn't get better than this. I lie. A beach somewhere warm is totes better than this. xox

trashy gal

2014-01-27T08:57:00.001-05:00

So the Big Guy asked me to stop littering.....and here we go.....

Last week I asked the Big Guy if he would go outside and start my car for me. Mistake #1. When he returned inside after starting the car he told me I really need to stop littering. I shot him a look of death and asked what he was talking about. Mistake #2. I should have done what I usually do - walk out of the room or ignore him. According to the BG, I have "litter" in my car. Yup. Litter. AKA trash, which is how any other normal human being would reference it. Apparently, littering is not just throwing trash out of your car window or disposing of it on the ground. Littering is also trash that you leave behind in your car. O really? Well thanks for informing me of this. Not sure what's more frightening - that we actually had this conversation or that he truly believes I have "litter" in my car.

Um, I apologize. No, I sincerely apologize that my car is not as immaculate as the BG's. Ya, that is sarcasm you're picking up on. Here's the problem. The kids are in his car maybe like twice a month so he can keep it clean whereas they are in my car every single day. When I get in and out of the car I'm usually carrying NPF4 and about 20 other things. The last thing I think about is bringing in the trash. He should be happy I'm bringing in the kids and not leaving them locked in the car alone so I can pin my life away in peace. Woof.

Moving on.

I prefer to wait until the trash build-up gets unbearable and then do one giant clean up. Either way it doesn't really matter because within minutes of cleaning M & NPF4 somehow manage to mess it up again.

The inside of my car looks like a legit dump, I'll give the BG that. Milk stains all over the seats, month old half eaten munchkins crushed into the floor mats, goldfish, Pirates Booty, and the occasional dirty diaper are some of the things you can find in my car on any given day. M's window is so caked with milk I don't think she can see out of it. The seats are so sticky often times I contemplate bringing a towel to sit on but then quickly reconsider cause it's just one more thing I'll have to carry. Most recently M decided to bedazzle the bumper of the wagon with smiley face stickers. Sweet. Anyone need a ride?

The wagon is gross but since life is a highway and 2014 is all about being positive and embracing the joys of life I think I'll leave the trash for yet another day. I'll just be sure not to ask the Big Guy to start my car EVER. AGAIN. xox

Not sure what's going on in this pic, but there is a Volvo under there and it made me smile

Dearest NPF4

2014-01-23T08:39:00.002-05:00

Since I wrote a letter to M it's only fair I do the same for her bro. Bare with me.

NPF4-

June 7, 2012 at 5:30 pm when I was 12 weeks pregnant with you I started crying and I've never really stopped. I'm crying right now. There is something about you sweet little Nicholas that always brings me to tears. Tears of happiness, fear, joy and unending worry. I'm not even sure I can write this - my eyes are overflowing already. Ugh.

For the first 22 days of your life I would visit you everyday in the NICU or Special Care Nursery. I would cry every single time. Some days I would cry so much I couldn't catch my breath. I would stare at you and feel so many emotions. Other days I cried because I was relieved you were finally here with me. And some days I would just cry because I couldn't bare to see you with a feeding tube or when you would forget how to breathe and all the machines would beep. I always felt a little crazy because I don't really think anyone understood why I was so emotional. After all, I was the lucky one. At one point you were sharing a room with another baby boy born weighing just over a pound. Well, I cried for him and his parents too. At the time in my head it was the worst possible thing in the world. I had a baby. He was early. He forgets to breathe. Looking back now, I was just scared. So incredibly scared. I wouldn't take back a single tear from the past 15 months for this simple fact: you are worth it. So worth it.

I read your early intervention reports every week and cry. I read them over and over. I cry because I'm proud and happy you're doing so well. I'm excited about the progress you've made and continue to make. I look forward to the future and all that it holds for you. I mostly look forward to the day you start talking. I can't wait to hear you express yourself and to hear you say that you love me or when you finally yell at M for her constant abuse.

Okay, enough with the crying.

I love your dad and sister with every ounce of my being but when you came into this world I swear I was so overwhelmed with love it hurt. I never ever thought I could love someone so much. I don't know the first thing about being a mom; your mom. What I do know is how to love you and feed you fatty foods so you can gain some weight.

NPF4 you are a fighter. You came into this word fighting and you are still fighting but only now with your sister. I love your T-Rex stride, your annoyingly loud cry, your cute little good-bye wave, I even love that you're so proud of yourself when you climb the stairs despite the fact that you shouldn't be. Sometimes I even love when you throw your food on the ground but it ends up getting stuck in the dog's hair before it hits the floor. I love your fierceness and feistiness cause it reminds me of a gal I know.

You are enamored with your big sister. You are like M in many ways but mostly in that you have an immense love for life. She is forever your protector and you her sidekick. M is the first to tell others that you are her brother and she'll be the first to push you down when you steal her toys. It's okay, she means well. I promise.

I'm not sure I can put into words how much you've changed me and how much I've learned about myself because of you. I am stronger for you and because of you. I've learned more from you in the fifteen short months you've been in my life than I have in my last 34 years. I can only hope I teach you as much in your lifetime as you've already taught me.

NPF4 you are magnificent and truly a blessing. Thank you for being you. Because of you our family is complete; I am complete.

XOX
Mama

who knew

2014-01-22T08:47:00.003-05:00

It was a bold assumption to think my second child would be mellow. Very bold. Based on my logic it wouldn't be possible or fair to have a second child as crazy as the first. Makes total sense. Right? Wrong. Very wrong. M is the true definition of a high maintenance gal. Can't imagine where she gets that from. Takes one to know one. He haw. She is a spunky, loud, hyperactive three year old with absolutely no listening skills. Okay, I can deal.

Now throw NPF4 into the mix. I can't deal. NPF4 is feistier, louder and fiercer than M. Yup, you read that correctly. Fiercer. My 22 pound fifteen month old has a temper unmatched by no other (well, maybe his mama.) The kid is totes insane. My little guy is a wrecking ball, leaving a path of destruction behind him wherever he goes...

Went to the doc's office on Friday and was checking in at the front desk. M decides to take off her boots. When I'm done with check-in M is sitting in the waiting room picking her nose and NPF4 is nowhere in sight. "M where is NPF4? Where are your boots? Please stop picking your nose." She points to the bathroom. I open the door and M's boots are submerged in the toilet while NPF4 has a smile from ear to ear and is holding up his hand waiting for me to slap him a high-five. Now, it's totes impossible to get mad at the kid because he is beyond clueless. I mean c'mon, I'm still basking in the fact that he just learned to wave and high-five. So, being the amazing mom that I am - I did nothing except text my friends to tell them.

Now trust me, I get it's not an easy age. The kid is into everything. But I truly, never in my wildest dreams thought that both of my kids would be certifiable. I know what your thinking - apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Why is it that M & NPF4 seem to have inherited all of my best qualities - they have explosive tempers, are annoyingly loud and are incapable of comprehending the word NO. It's totes not a part of their vocab. Things that make you go hmmm.

So who knew two crazies were a potential? It sure wasn't on my radar. That's all I've got. I must enjoy some me time because M & NPF4 are at daycare today while this gal has a snow day. File this under: WINNING. xox

we've got a situation

2014-01-21T14:33:00.003-05:00

It's a hairy one. M is obsessed with having her hair did. Yup. I have a daughter who convulses with excitement over pigtails, ponytails, braids, and barrettes. Really M? M successfully sports a receding hairline, mullet and is already showing signs of balding. It's possible folks. Just look at my gal. Be jealous.

So here's the problem. I don't do hair. I don't do makeup either but we can address this in a few years when she asks me to buy her an eyelash curler. I wouldn't be caught dead with one of those devices in my house. I digress.

For those of you fortunate enough to know me you are aware of the fact that I've had the same hairstyle (actually it's not even a style) since about 1986. It's simple. I get up. I shower. Two strokes of the brush through my lovely locks and presto I have a glamorous low ponytail. It suits me. I think. I mean I look a tad like a boy but whateves. I don't have a clue how to blow dry my hair never mind attempting to style it. I couldn't be bothered. On the rare occasion I'm feeling incredibly ambitions I use my flatiron and straighten it BUT my flatiron does not require my hair to be dry. Yup, I run it through my soaking wet hair. The results are amazing. I lie.

Back to M. My little lady repeatedly asks me to do her hair. I always deflect. Let's go eat cupcakes, let's go watch Dora (I DESPISE DORA). I go to great lengths to avoid this arduous task. I'll pretty much offer her anything in an attempt to distract her from having her hair done. Anything. Three days a week M goes to daycare and low and behold every time I pick her up she has the cutest little pigtails or braids. Seriously, she looks adorbs. I decided to step out of my comfort zone on Sunday and this happened:

It looks strikingly similar to a rattail. I believe the rattail was popular for all of 20 seconds back in the 80's. Apparently I have an affinity for 80's hairstyles. Who knew.

Since 2014 is my biatch and it's all about me bettering myself, perhaps I'll take a class on popular hairstyles for three year olds.

I know what you're thinking - mom of the year. I get that a lot. Another lie. xox

Dearest M

2014-01-14T08:46:00.002-05:00

M-

You are fierce. I love this about you. You're stubborn, determined, sweet and o' so smart. You're bossy. You have a propensity to lead. You love being the center of attention. You love having your hair done and your toe nails painted. Pink and purple are your fav colors. Barf. You're in love with your brother whom you've dubbed "little rabbit." You have a zest for life and I'm quite certain you've adopted my "unless it's fun I don't want to do it" mentality. Um, this is bad for a tot of your age and beautiful thing when you reach mine. Unfortch, they'll be oodles of things you'll have to endure that aren't "fun" in the years ahead. Grin and bare it little lady. Sorry in advance.

M, I love so many things about you, but I beg of you to STOP hitting me, pushing and kicking your brother, spitting your milk out to be cute, stealing my DY jewels and hiding them under your pillow, helping yourself to all the goodies in the fridge, wearing my undies around your neck as a necklace, going into my closet and trashing it, throwing your Dunkin' Donuts bag out of the car window while I'm driving, dumping the sea glass we collected over the summer into NPF4's crib, tying the scarf (stolen from said closet) around NPF4's neck and telling him to giddy-up like a horse, asking to look at my toots after I go the bathroom, tossing yourself on the ground when you don't get your way (the flailing of your arms and legs is totes annoying), taking my water bottle and drinking out of it leaving a wad of snot behind, using my legs as a tissue to wipe your nose, rummaging through my bag stealing my credit cards and then not telling me where you hid them, peeing on the couch, shampooing your bestie's hair in suncreen- coating my entire bed as well as the walls and floor with sunscreen (stay away from the damn sunscreen), arguing with me about what you're going to wear to school, letting the dog into the shower when I'm in there, calling me Becky instead of mom.

Oh, and one last thing - please stop ignoring me when I talk.

You're a hot ticket. You are you - your own unique self and don't ever apologize for that. However, I do think a few apologies are in order for the aforementioned offenses. Yes, offenses. I know, I sound like your dad.

I don't want you to ever change M (maybe just address some of the behaviors above). Don't ever lose that smile, your willingness to learn or that insanely infectious laugh. I thank you for making my life eventful, messy and pretty much worth living. Shine on M. Shine on.

xox
~~Becky~~ Mom

bacon

2014-01-13T11:54:00.005-05:00

Hello and happy Monday lovelies. I would love to wow you with tales from my weekend but just not today. If you feel so compelled stop by tomorrow. I'm sure you're itching to read about how M started hitting me or how she lathered my entire bedroom with sunscreen. Or maybe my meltdown at the gym will peak your interest. Today, I'm focusing on the positive - bacon.

Thursday night I went out with some darling ladies and ordered myself a burger. Extra cheese. Bacon jam. Yes, bacon jam. A.MAZE.ING. There are no words to describe the deliciousness. All you need to know is that reliving the 4 seconds it took me to inhale this wholesome goodness got me through dodging M's punches and my sunscreen slicked bedroom floor this weekend. I'll find a good recipe, test it out and share. Scratch that. I'll just break into the restaurant and steal the recipe or the jam.

Bacon. One of the many reasons 2014 is my biatch. xox

Roar

2014-01-08T10:44:00.002-05:00

So I ~~yell~~ scream at my kids regularly. On any given day I scream so much my throat hurts by the time I hit the hay. I'm loud. Annoyingly loud. Stop right there. Please don't forward me the article floating around FB about how you shouldn't scream at your children. I do and I'm okay with it. Yes, I recognize it's ineffective but I continue to do it regardless. Must have something to do with my need for being in control. Apparently yelling and screaming at them gives me the false sense that I'm actually in charge. Perhaps I should just surrender to the fact that nobody listens to me no matter what tone I take. Ouch.

Last Saturday in the YMCA lobby I was yelling so loud at M & N I'm pretty sure the phones stopped ringing, the coffee machine stopped brewing and the kid climbing up the rock wall lost his footing. It was bad. The worst part is that the people around me were totally disturbed while my kids remained completely unfazed. Surrender. Just surrender.

Here's what I don't understand. If someone yelled at me the way I yell at my children I would totes write them off or get in my wagon and try to run them over. My kids on the other hand keep coming back for more. It doesn't matter how often or how loudly I scream they are beyond obsessed with me. M & N are the only two human beings on this planet that are truly enamored with me. Like totes smitten.

I must admit - I love it. Well, I love it except when its time for me to do tinks, toots or shower.

It's scary to think at some point the tables will be turned and they'll be screaming at me. It's scary to think that although their love for me is unconditional (I hope) that they won't always be so smitten and obsessed. It's scary to think one day they'll say they hate me, I embarrass them, or that they want me to go away. It's scary to think they'll grow up and tell me I'm not that cool (despite the fact I think I'm the cat's meow). It's all just scary.

Glasses, greasy hair and gym clothes. It doesn't matter to them now and hopefully it won't 10 years from now. At this time, in this moment the only thing I can do is enjoy it. Enjoy that I go to bed hoarse. Enjoy the looks of dismay in the YMCA lobby. Enjoy their love. Enjoy them and all their naughtiness. xox

Two & Through

2014-01-07T09:08:00.003-05:00

My family is complete. I have two kids a husband and a dog. So save yourself the breath no need to ask if we're having a third child. NO. For once the Big Guy and I are on the exact same page - two & through. It's prolly the only thing we're 100% certain of. Actually, I'm 100% certain that I need this DY necklace with M & N charms but hell, I won't hold my breath. So don't waste yours and I won't hold mine. Woof.

Having 3 children seems to be the "norm" these days. In fact, most of my friends and family have 3 kids. For all you mamas and dadas that have three or more kids - I'm in awe of you everyday. Kudos. Very big kudos.

In the rare and very unlikely event that we do decide to expand our family I would adopt. The reasons being: 1) it's something I've always wanted to do 2) I would adpot a teenager old enough to watch M & N so I don't have to pay my sitter $18 an hour. Bam. Wicked smart. 3) I'm petrified to get pregnant and give birth to another preemie.

Here is why two is enough for this gal:

I cannot sacrifice anymore of my myself. I don't think I have anything left to give. Truly. The more kids you have the more of yourself and your time you have to sacrifice. I don't think I can go there. I'm working on getting me back.

My marriage cannot withstand another child. Seriously. Marriage is hard work. Anyone who says otherwise is full of crap. Marriage with children is super hard work. Anyone who says otherwise is extremely full of crap. It's not easy. Then again, nothing worth doing is easy.

You've read this before. I'm not a natural. Motherhood does not come easy to me. I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing and I'm okay admitting this. The only thing I know how to do is make homemade mac and cheese to feed them and to love them. Other than that I'm flying by the seat of my pants. {NPF4 just got over a staff infection. I failed to tell the doctor that I left him diaper-less and unattended for all of 4 minutes and he crapped himself. When I came back into the room he was playing with his toots like it was Play-Doh} Case in point.

I'm insanely materialistic. Again, you've read this before. I love stuff. I love spending money on ME. More kids = less spending on me.

I want to go to the bathroom and be able to fully wipe my behind without holding a 1 year old and having my almost 3 year old trying to paint my toenails at the same time. Along the same lines - I would love to shower alone, talk on the phone alone, shop alone. You get my point. Another wee one in the house just prolongs all this alone time I'm apparently craving.

My V can't handle it. Enough said on this one.

I'm a runner. I want to start training and running marathons. My running options at the moment - 4am or 11pm and I can't image they would improve with another tot in the house.

I would have to buy a bigger car. Absolutely not. Volvo does not make anything larger than the wagon. True fact. No, the SUV is not larger inside based on square footage. I swoon over Volvo's and I will not drive any other car. With that being said a third child would have to be strapped to the roof.

Signs. I believe in signs. The fact that NPF4 is here with us today is nothing short of a miracle. I don't take one bit of my good fortune for granted and I am blessed and content with two healthy children. Trying for a third would be like playing with fire.

Oh and the best reason of all - I'm a smart gal and I know my limits. I've reached my limit. I'm okay with this and being honest with myself.

Ta da! What a lovely lil' list. You're enlightened - so keep on breeding my friends! xox

hello, 2014

2014-01-06T13:33:00.002-05:00

O hi. I've missed you. I know, you've missed me more.Obvi.

2013 is over so naturally I find myself compelled to bestow all the wisdom and knowledge I've gained this past year onto YOU. Yes, you feel like you've hit the lottery. You'll be rich in mind, body, and spirit after reading this post. Speaking of rich - one of my goals for 2014 is to "be rich." Legit. Big guy and I had a lengthy conversation about how to bring this to fruition in 2014. It ended with - well, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I digress.

Back to the other kind of non-monetary richness you'll gain after reading this.

So I'm totes one of those gals that always needs a "project." I always need a focus, a to-do list. I can't sit still - I've never been good at loafing around. I'm not happy unless I have something to work toward or look forward to. It kind of sucks. For a long time I beat the crap out of myself for never just "being." Being content in the moment doesn't work for me - or maybe it does but it's super hard. Before I even finish one project or task I'm already asking myself "what's next?"

Planning a wedding. Training and running marathons. Perfecting my house. Focusing on being skinny. Trying to get prego. Blah. Blah. Blah. You get it. I think.

When you live life this way often times you forget to enjoy the present because you're so focused on the future. But what happens when the Big Guy makes one statement and somehow it all becomes clear. Yup, this rarely occurs because 85% of the time I'm not really listening especially when the Big Guy is doing the talking. I know, I'm keeping you in suspense. You're dying to know what he said.

But first you have to get through this:

Last March I came home from a 6 mile run, laid on my kitchen floor dripping in sweat and cried like a baby. I looked up at the Big Guy and said "I'm lost. I'm so lost and I feel so out of control." Like really? Lost? If someone said that to me I prolly would have handed them a map and said be on your way. Now, the Big Guy is a total pain in my ass but somehow he managed to say the right thing in this moment. He responded - I know. I was just waiting for you to ask for help. It's ok. We can do this.

And so it began the journey to figure out what I'm doing with myself and my life. Amazing huh? I know, you're still waiting for the words that changed it all. Well the short of it is that not until after NPF4 turned one in October did I start to feel like me again. Yup, I'm a slow bloomer. I blame it on the Big Guy because had he made this statement when I was having my meltdown back in March instead of October the year may have played out a tad different.

This was all it took - YOU'RE LIVING THE LIFE YOU ALWAYS WANTED. What? Ding. Ding. Ding. Is he right? OMG. Was this it? Could that simple statement be the kick in the ass that I need to get it together?

Back in 1999 the Big Guy and I would hop in his car and drive from Merrimack College to Marblehead and admire all the houses and talk about how amazing it would be to live there. To raise a family there. When I recall those conversations all I remember is that I wanted a home in Mhead and a family. Go figure - I have the house and two healthy children. We have each other, health and happiness. I'm working on the wealth.

Cheers and happy 2014. This is my year and I'm beyond excited to live it and more importantly to live it in the moment. xox

Daisies & Diapers

2013-11-07T13:31:00.000-05:00

Well hello. Yesterday I sent this little box o' goodies to the Big Guy at work. Twelve pineapple daisies dipped in chocolate. The card read: Dada enjoy your daisies because we bought them with your credit card. Love - M, N & Brody.

It wasn't a kind gesture or a nice little treat to reward him for working so hard. Nope. I'm not that sweet of a wife. What I do know is that I will remind him about this box of daisies when he realizes that I flushed a dookie diaper down the toilet. Don't worry, I picked up all my TB flats off the floor and have my pants rolled in anticipation of the flood. I know. You were concerned.

I'm off. I need to fetch M from my bedroom where she is sitting on the bed eating a DiGiorno pizza watching Calliou. Oh, the horror. Child watching T.V., eating frozen pizza in the middle of the day. At least she is sitting on the Big Guy's side of the bed. I've got that going for me. xox

fun police

2013-11-06T14:57:00.001-05:00

O hi. It's been a month. Not my fault. Yup, for once in 34 years it's not my fault. Place the blame on a 6'3 bald guy I like to call the fun police...

Mid August the Big Guy asked me if I would stop blogging about our family hence the reason I've been MIA. Okay, I get it. He's a private person and doesn't want his cluster of a life displayed for all to read. Write about anything just not our family he says. Oh, sure, because my life is so exciting and I have so many other things to write about. Not that my family life is all that enthralling either but for some reason ya'll read this garbage. I've got a sneaking suspicion you read because my life makes you feel better about your own. Ouch.

I injected myself in the stomach with cancer causing fertility meds to get pregnant with these kids and sat in a hospital bed for 40 days to stay pregnant with one of them. I do believe I've earned the right to share some pieces of us using this blog as my outlet. The good, bad, happy, sad and quite truthfully the downright hilarious. He haw.

Here is why I have two issues with this request. 1) has the FP not seen my FB page? I mean c'mon. There isn't much I don't share. 2) I'm writing a book. I've been writing a book (like one word a month) for the last 3.5 years. The title of the book includes the word vagina. You don't get much more personal than that. So for those reasons I should blog. I need to blog. Scratch that. I need to write. There is something incredibly cathartic about sharing my thoughts, feelings and raw emotions. Barf.

So where shall I go from here? I can blog about Tory, Kate and David but truly, I think you get the point. I. WORSHIP. THEM. Taking about the stuff I'm currently coveting is fun and writing about all the things I want and cannot afford is great, don't get me wrong, but it perpetuates the vicious addiction I have to spending t~~he Big Guy's hard-earned~~ money.

Perhaps I just need to buckle down and get serious about writing that book. After all, I work 3 days a week and have a husband that works 90 hours a week - I've got a ton of spare time to sit, sip some tea and type my days away. {insert sarcastic grin here} xox

365

2013-09-01T21:30:00.002-04:00

Last Labor Day weekend I was admitted to BWH. It was right around 8pm that the Big Guy and I were being prepped for what it would be like to deliver a 23 week old baby. We met for two hours with doctors from the NICU. Every second of the conversation was truly horrifying. I didn't make eye contact with the Big Guy once. I couldn't. I knew if I looked at him and saw fear in his eyes it would be the end of me. I can't recall any other time in my life when I was this petrified {except on the evening that I actually gave birth to NPF4}. It wasn't until the NICU doctors asked us if we had any questions that I glanced at my hubby of six years and started sobbing uncontrollably. All he said was "we can do this." Of course he would say this. He always says this. He says this for one reason - because it's true. We always survive.

Adapt and overcome - the Big Guy's life motto. Words I'm forced to live by. Perhaps reluctantly live by is more accurate. We are fighters and it's quite obvious our sweet NPF4 is also a fighter. He held on. He waited another 10 weeks to make his debut. Our life today would be very different had he made his appearance last year at this time.

So cheers to our little fella and being in a much happier, healthier place than 365 days ago. xox

Pretty Little Liar

2013-08-14T09:04:00.001-04:00

I commute into the city 3 days a week for work. Scratch that - it's more like 1.5 days a week because my kids are always sick. Barf. Today was no different than any other day except that it took every ounce of my being not to roll down my window and yell at each and every female runner I passed along the way on my drive to workies.

I so desperately wanted to beep my horn, startle them and scream "I'm faster than you!" "I'm faster than you with a jogging stroller and I'm way faster than you without one." "Wanna race?" I was contemplating screaming these sentiments at the top of my lungs as I cruised through M'head, Swampscott, Lynn and Revere in my wagon. Bitter? Just a tad.

Tomorrow I hope I don't see anyone running on my commute in. I want these women to sit on their respective couches, eat chocolate frosted donuts and get fat. Really fat.

Clearly I haven't mastered the art of letting go just yet....

white out

2013-08-07T13:27:00.002-04:00

Met our painter last Wednesday night. He showed up with our contractor and within 4 minutes of them being at the house M threw a major nutty and NPF4 followed suit. M was my little shadow walking directly behind me - arms raised yelling uppie, uppie, uppie, uppie. Ugh. NPF4 decided that since M was making so much noise he might as well join in on all the fun. Of course neither of my naughties would let the Big Guy hold them so M was in one arm and N in the other. Annoying. Wicked annoying.

Give NPF4 bottle -he simmers down. Sit M on the floor with an epic bowl of cereal and she zipped it as well. Begin discussion with painter, contractor and the Big Guy.

Painter - I see you like pastel colors.

Me- No, I hate pastels.

Painter- Oh, because the samples you have on the wall are pastel.

Me- I know. I've got a few screws loose.

Contractor- Laughing.

Painter-Laughing.

Pete- Rolling eyes

Me-Excuse me for a moment. I'm going out to the garage to chug a few Summer Shandy's.

Painter- Excellent beer. Nice choice. {I wish he thought my paint selections were nice}

Big Guy- Would you like one? {OMG. Loving this moment. I can't believe he just offered a future worker at our home a beer}

Painter- No thanks.

Okay, now that you have all that pertinent background.....

The new family room is going to be painted linen white or cloud white. I left the final decision up to the painter. BUT, the kicker is that we need to repaint the kitchen. Apparently {according to the painter} it will look odd if the new family room and kitchen are not the same color. Really? Cause I don't think so. We are now having the kitchen painted as well despite the fact that its totes not in our budget. Oops. I can't say I'm disappointed by this because I'm not in love with the current C2 Buckwheat that is on the wall right now. My whole first floor is now going to be 50 shades of white. Love.

With NPF4 in tow and M now done with her cereal we take the party upstairs. Again, painter comments on my penchant for pastels, which are plastered all over our bedroom wall. In the meantime, Brody goes to the corner of our room and barfs. NPF4 decides he's going to be a follower {again} and barfs all over my super cute dress. In the midst of discussing how I am color blind my contractor looks out the window and asks me if my neighbor is okay. Look out the window to see an unknown boy, shirtless, laying on the ground kissing flowers while my neighbor holds a video camera taping him. Painter and contractor just stare out the window laughing. My only comment - oh good, now I don't look so crazy.

Back to the paint. I decided on Fanfare for the bedroom and closet and Graytint for the bathroom. Stay tuned. I'm sure once the colors are on the wall I'll hate em' because apparently I'm color blind.

Public Service Announcement:
To all the local Headers out there {love that I just wrote Headers} - at roughly 3:30 pm today when the man o' the house arrives home you're going to feel the earth move with his fury. Our shower door was just installed and there is a $2,165.93 bill waiting for him....take cover. xox

anchors aweigh

2013-08-01T09:44:00.003-04:00

I've been sporting J Crew for a better part of my life. My obsession began in high school and to this day I'm still crushing on all things JC. I never have to try anything on - I know my size in slacks, shirts, skirts and shoes, which makes ordering online a cinch. Interestingly enough every pair of $118 pants fit me perfectly. Go figure.

Okay, to my point. Who am I kidding. I don't have one.

JC + my nautical craze {specifically anchors} = fun, fun, fun. Riveting. I know. The elementariness {is this even a word} of my posts is pathetic. I digress. Here are some nifty nauticals I'm currently loving from JC and JCF.

For the gals - big n' small

For the gents - big n' small

Love me some anchors. xox

letting go

2013-07-25T10:04:00.000-04:00

It wasn't until after the birth of NPF4 that I started letting go. I had to in order to maintain some type of sanity. I can go to bed with the house semi-messy {still can't have dishes in the sink}, with laundry left in the dryer and shoes sitting by the front door. Yes, this is letting go for me. Yes, my house still looks like a museum but mostly because the Big Guy refuses to let go. He's a work in progress. At some point I imagine he'll surrender.

I no longer beat myself up for not working out 7 days a week. I'm satisfied with sweating it out at the gym 2-3 times a week instead. I've even taken a break from my passion; running. If I can manage a 4am or 11:30pm run I do it. If not, so be it.

So when the addition we just put on our home turned into a dance floor (a rather expensive one}for M and her friends I just let it go. My visions of mimicking a space similar to the images in Coastal Living have quickly dissolved. Instead I'm on the hunt for a disco ball. Strangely enough, I'm okay with it. The joy M and her friends get from dancing, running in circles, and rolling around on the floor is better than any imagine in a home decor magazine. Well, kind of. I still swoon over every single pic in Coastal Living.

So cheers to dancing {naked & painted}kiddies, disco balls and just letting go... xox

thanks for being honest...

2013-07-24T09:26:00.003-04:00

On Saturday I tell the big guy that I want to give being a stay at home mom a whirl. Yes, I actually said this. Now breathe. Big guy immediately responds with: being a mom doesn't really come natural to you. Your just not a natural. I think it's best for you, our marriage and the kids if you continue working part time. Ouch.

Hey, thanks for your honesty and your vote of confidence too.

Let's get something straight - I recognize I'm not a natural. In fact, I've said it before myself. I'm not gonna lie though, when someone else utters those words it kind of stings. As much as I hate to admit it the big guy may be right. He's right roughly 86% of the time when it comes to family matters. Case in point....

Today I was in NPF4's room changing his diaper. M was in the room being her usual chipper shelf. For no reason at all she decides to slam the bedroom door shut. No biggie except for the fact that the door gets stuck and I can't open it. I am now trapped in a bedroom the size of a jail cell with both kids at 6:30am. I start sweating, crying, laughing. I'm a mess because I can't think of anything worse than being TRAPPED in a room with my kids {eh hem - possible sign I should NOT be a sahm}. I open the bedroom window and shout "I need help". My neighbor {the same one that helped me with the flood last week} was outside and came running over. I was talking to her through the second floor window but I was laughing and crying at the same time. All I could muster was "we're stuck". She came inside and freed me from my worst nightmare.

So maybe the big guy is right more like 96% of the time. Whatever the percentage - I'm clearly not wired to be a sahm. xox

Um, no

2013-07-18T09:35:00.001-04:00

~~Good~~ morning. I'm gonna tear it up folks. Watch out. If you see me today do yourself a favor - walk in the other direction.

Okay, here we go...

Got home from work last night went upstairs to M's room. Hear a strange hissing noise. Look around. Nothing. Step in the direction of the noise onto the area rug. My feet sink. Water starts rising up from the rug and begins seeping onto the hardwood. The radiator is squirting water. Um, no. No. No. Rug is totally saturated. Stuffed animals soaked. PB floor cushion and Land of Nod bean bag also saturated. Dirty gross water everywhere. Run to the attic grab a huge bin to catch the water. Meanwhile M & N are downstairs left to their own devices. N crying and M whining. Put the bin in M's room and go downstairs to check on my little naughties. Crying, whining - what else is new. Here is where I went horribly wrong - I picked up the phone and called the big guy. Major freak out. Hang up phone and do the next most logical thing. I opened my front door { N now in my arms and M hanging on my leg} and yelled I NEED HELP. My adorable neighbor was in her front yard watering the lawn and came over. She held N in one arm and a mop in the other. I held M in one arm and a mop in the other. Mopped the floor. Attempted to roll rug and move it - water went EVERYWHERE. The water had saturated the rug so much that we couldn't even move it. Awesome. This mini flood seeped through to the ceiling of the family room. The ceiling is now stained, cracked, peeling and bubbling. Really awesome.

Go to bed at 9:30.

The big guy wakes me up at 11:30. Sits on the side of the bed and tells me he's done. Okay. So I think to myself he finally came to his senses and is going to divorce me. Nope. I wouldn't be so lucky. Instead, he goes on a 15 minute tirade about how he is unsatisfied with the contractor and is going to make him stop working on our house. Um, no. Did he honestly wake me up to tell me this? On a good night I get about 4 hours sleep and he just woke me from a dead sleep to rant about this? He proceeds to tell me he has written an email to the contractor and before he sends it he wants me to give it a gander. It's now 11:50. He can't be serious. Yes, he is serious. I walk downstairs and read a 4 page email with the subject line "work stoppage". You've got to be joking. I tell the big guy to relax - second biggest mistake of the evening. This led to another rant. This rant somehow turned to the paint colors which he so eloquently told me sucked. Thanks. Blah Blah blah. He just keeps talking. Stop. Just stop.

Moving on from the "work stoppage" conversation. He then asks me if I will print out a return address label because he has to send something back to Cracks & Racks. Um, no. Again, is he serious. Not to mention what the hell is Cracks and Racks? Apparently he bought something for his truck - it was the wrong item and now he needed to return it. What? What? What?

He's done? For god sake - I'm done. I walked away; actually ran away and went upstairs back to bed. Obv I couldn't fall asleep so I went on Pinterest to look at paint colors.

To add insult to injury {we're still mourning the loss of our built-ins} we were given an estimate for a glass shower door. $2,300. Um, no.

Clearly the big guy and I are in the wrong professions. Note to self: encourage my children to learn a trade. Forget spending 150K on undergrad and grad school. Plumber, electrician, mason, carpenter - that is where it's at folks.

Um, yes - I'm done. xox

high/low

2013-07-17T13:56:00.000-04:00

Hello hotties. Literally. It's steaming out.

Today we're gonna play a little game called high/low. I use to begin each class with this. Every student would share one high and one low from their week. Today, you are fortunate enough to read about the highs and lows in my life over the course of the past week. How lucky do you feel?

Let's get the lows out of the way. Brace yourself.

NPF4 has pneumonia.

M got a bug bite on her forehead which caused her entire face to swell.

Swollen face resulted in puffy eyes. Puffy eyes created constant itching with dirty hands. Dirty hands + itchy eyes and the end product = conjunctivitis. Both eyes. Delicious.

Built-ins are a no go. Contractor reviewed my handouts and gave us an estimate. It's not gonna happen. Let's just say you could feed a small country with what is was going to cost for a media center and window seat. I'm taking up donations. Please be generous.

I broke down and bought paint samples. I suck at picking paint colors. Yes, we already knew this but I just wanted to reiterate the point. You would vomit if you saw the color samples currently on my wall. Barf.

Highs o' the week

My parents hosted M&N at their home for 4 nights. Yikes. Basically they never want to see me or my children ever again. I can't say I blame them.

Of those 4 nights I got to spend one night alone with the big guy. I forgot how amazing it is to sleep through the night.

My Kayce Hughes matching mama and M outfits came in the mail last week. Swoon. Yes, I did it again. Matching ensembles. This can also be filed under the low for the week because I paid full price for both items and they are now on sale. Go figure.

My mom bought me a new pair of TB flats. I'm pretty sure she did it because she feels bad for me. After spending 4 days with my kids I think she finally understands why I'm a lunatic.

George Zimmerman was found not guilty. Yes. Yes. Yes.

In case you were curious. C'mon - you know you are.

That's all folks. Stay cool. xox

help

2013-07-11T10:36:00.000-04:00

Can someone PLEASE help me select paint colors for our new space. I'm inept. It is truly the impossible task. I would rather run a marathon with a snowsuit on in 100 degree weather with no water than pick out paint colors. I cannot even put into words how torturous a process it is for me. Going on a month now since my contractor asked me to decide on colors. Oops. Nothing like holding up a project due to indecisiveness.

Honestly, I need help {I know not just with paint colors}. We can focus on my other imperfections at another time. Before you roll your eyes at the BM colors I'm currently crushing on you need to understand something: THIS IS THE ONE AREA OF MY LIFE WHERE I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO VISION. I am incapable of visualizing how these colors will look on the wall.

Before you make suggestions I need to get a few things out of the way. No, I will not buy samples. No, I will not pay someone $100 from Waters & Brown to select my colors for me {that is what I have ya'll for}. No gray. M & N's rooms are gray. I need a change. No yellow. No orange. No red. Absolutely no purple. I would like to stick with blues, blue-greens and whites. I need family room, bedroom, bathroom and closet colors. Find the perfect colors for me. Now.

Ready. Set. Go. xox

Let's Pa Pa Partay

2013-07-09T14:01:00.001-04:00

Hello. No time for nonsense today. I've got TONS of important stuff to write. Pay attention.

So I asked the big guy for 2K in cash yesterday. Obviously he asked why. Seriously, can't he just fork over the loot? Does he not realize that his life and mine would be much easier if he didn't ask questions. Annoying. I tell him I need to start planning our September cookout. His response - oh, I thought you were going to do something responsible like pay off the remainder of your graduate school loans. My response - why would I do that? The end. Convo over. Okay, so this conversation clearly did not go in the direction I was hoping. Stay tuned because this is what I do know:

I am having a cookout

The big guy is funding said cookout

Now that we've settled that let's move on to my cookout/clambake vision. You've seen me write this before and it still holds true - what I want and what I get are typically two very different things. Here's what I'm envisioning. Lobstah, extra butter, salty meat, booze and steel drums. Sheer perfection. Can you see it?

MY VISION

For those of you lucky enough to be at my wedding - steel drums.

Busting a move during the cocktail reception. Hi mom. What a hot ticket.

Now that you know my vision, it's time to share....

MY REALITY

Seriously, for being a totes thorn in my side he truly is a handsome devil. Awe. How sweet.

Now show me the money!!!

That's all folks. Stay tuned to see how this all unfolds. Or just go wait by your mailbox for the invite because I AM HAVING A COOKOUT. xox