The Grateful Mind

Fairy Tales for Busy Parents...

2011-10-08T15:03:00.000-07:00

The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf
If you lie wolves will eat you. No one will care because you are a dirty liar.

Cinderella
If you are mean to your children they might torture you and marry a stranger. Go to school so you wont have to marry the first asshole that brings you a shoe.

The Three Little Pigs
If you do a job half ass and you're not prepared wolves will eat you.

Goldie Locks and the 3 Bears
If you break into people's houses, it doesn't matter how cute you are bears will eat you (even scarier since bear has come to mean large hairy men).

Little Red Riding Hood
Don't talk to strangers or wolves will eat your grandma.

Sleeping Beauty
If you do your own thing eventually a great man will find you. You will have to hang out with some goofy people for a while. You need plenty of rest. If a stranger kisses you in your sleep you punch them in the throat.

The Ugly Duckling
The hottest ducks go through awkward stages so don't worry about it. Also be nice to everyone because you never know who you will want to get with later.

Beauty and the Beast
When talking to boys- If you're a hairy beast you better have a fucking castle and not be an asshole.
When talking to girls- Be nice to the beast they might be a good person with a fucking castle!

and then it hits me....

2011-10-06T19:30:00.000-07:00

So after ditching the whole social networking thing... I have finally had some moments to clear my head and come to the conclusion of a few things...
I sure hope your ready to read this.. I am not PERFECT.. I thought I was going to discover that I am this amazing mom, awesome friend, kick ass witty bitch, a woman with a purpose... and lately all I feel is ummm unperfect.
I know it's too much to ask, no one is after all perfect.. but somehow being a part of the social network scene, made me feel important.. but then i realize it was just my narcasitic side... which is ugly.
I found it to be the secret key to the inside of the real "where are they now?"
Learning that not everyone turned out to be this and that.. and even my expectations to reunite with old dear friends just falled short of not gonna happen.
It also dawned on me that not everyone really gives a ratt ass about what I think or feel about hair feathers, music, what i do with my kiddos...
and those who do, know my phone number..
and call me ( some more than others) but none the less they haven't forgotten how to use the phone.
What erks me, is this...
why does every flippin piece of media revolve around Facebook?
Find us on facebook...
do this on facebook, to that.. sell your soul to the monster that is Facebook.
Truth be told, I Have seen facebook destroy so many relationships, have it become a bridge and tool for others to use to seek and destroy, spy and lie.... create fantasies and all the above..
for me, I just discovered that one distraction I didn't need was a alternate to reality... one which has always let me down..
so kiss my ass facebook.. and
have a nice life, without a inside scoop of what is going on in mine....

The good with the bad

2011-09-24T17:17:00.000-07:00

So lately I have been taking the good with the bad.
I find that I do often make myself available to please the world, and often keep myself short changed. I had a good friend point out to me just the other day that, I complain about the same situations over and over, but somehow they involve different people, but the outcome is always quite the same.
I spend time thinking about what the "Future" should be like, remember thou, I don't plan anything... for every plan I make, there often is a counter plan or a wrench that sabotages the vision so I just roll with it.

We have been dealing with some pretty unreeling behavior lately with the the boys, one mostly. It seems as if he has found his inner beast, since I don't believe in any form of violence, I am at my wits end... the only form of punishment that seems to work to combat his combativeness, is to just hold him tight, let him fight it out... once he has found his "lost mind" he always regroups and we all feel better, but the hard part is the fact that it is even happening.
I swear, I always thought these two boys would always be kind and loving, and they are for the most part, but, when they get angry... look out.
I totally see the inherited trait of rage... yes rage. When I was little, I was the same way, big difference is how my parents dealt with me.. wrong or right it effected me, and still does till this day.
As a parent now, I have choices to end the cycle... so far so good.
I just have to say it's tough.. soooooooooo tough, especially when this little person you love so much is trying to punch you in your face..
totally heart breaking.

The trip...

2011-09-16T16:56:00.000-07:00

I should start this by saying, being that I am a world traveler, and was blessed as a kid to see all of the U.S I never quite realized that traveling with your off spring would be soooooooooooo much work, I thought having parasites in Morocco was tough, but umm nope the twins topped that one!'

This trip was quite the adventure, the memories to last forever, the laughter, the lovin, the smiles, the meltdowns (yes meltdowns), the lessons, the animals, the wonder, the sights, the thoughts.. and lets not forget the amazing people...

We arrived and had a plan, always leave with a plan right? sure... but remember our lives never roll on a plan........... NOTHING is ever PLANNED~
I learned that the day I found out we were having twins...

So after day one of getting settled into the new environment , explored the village, ate some much needed ice cream, rode a train and then rested up, and started the next day fresh with our Plan...
Ha, the Plan... sooooooooooooo we arrived at WDW.. mission accomplished we made it, let the games begin.. let the laughter start, the smiles grow the Magic happen... ( oh yeah lets not forget about the magic right?) Well first thing first, the twins ran through those gates, we could barely keep up with them, what did they run straight for? Of course the castle...
the show was going on, ohh the excitement... until...
Captain HOOK............. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I have never seen these two so scared in my life. I thought to myself ( they'll get over it) nope.
From that moment on, any and every character that was on the cobble stone road, or near a ride was totally getting the, Lets hid our body under mommy or daddy's shirt.. oh yeah, you haven't heard, extra body heat is amazing when your dripping sweat and dehydrated.
So to quickly distract the situation, we moved on.. after the fireworks and song and dance was over, let the rides begin....
and they did just that, rode all the rides we were big enough to enjoy, over and over.... the smiles, priceless, the love, endless.... and then the heat won the war.
Hot, cranky, tired and over it... the MELTDOWNS began... you dropped and ice cube, scream, the lady said next rocket ship.. meltdown, the mickey mouse doll is 200.00, meltdown, the real Mickey mouse wants to say hi.. MELTDOWN... you get the picture right?
soooooooooo after 5 hours.. done.
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ride back to village, all is well, belly full, thirst quenched.. and stimulation overload done.
Day two.. forget the Magic of Magic kingdom lets gooooooooooo meet some alligators, Gatorland here we come,having an inside scoop on sneaking in the hot dogs, we did just that...
Now alligator's, that's their element for sure... the screeching sounds of laughter and excitement was awesome, seeing those monsters tear apart a hot dog, and hearing the boys cheer, priceless.
Then the crazy eyed goats, lets have a feeding frenzy, ice cream cones filled with pellets, and an hour of excitement.. so be it. They loved every moment of that, as mommy watched from a distance cuz the goat's eyes freak me out... yeah, I know I am such a odd ball. :)
Then we held a baby alligator, and a boa constrictor, and played splash safari madness with all the other hot kids, and went on our way... Good times.
Later we visited Epcot, awesome, despite the never ending supply of buy me, on every corner... the boys really enjoyed visiting China, Dylan actually cheered YAAAAAAAAAAY for China during the whole presentation.. Graham kept reminding me that I needed to be still... and guess what, I did. For the 12 minute presentation on China, I was just that .. Still.
We eventually hit up Sea World, fed dolphins and sea lions, watched the penguins stare at the walls, and had to answer the never ending questions for the boys, why are these animals trapped here?
Good lesson huh? ( not sure about that, just yet)
Sea World was tough, the MELTDOWN returns.... why? because we can't ride the twisting, crazy loop to loop roller coaster, ummmmmmmmmmm yeah, after that meltdown I almost wished they could ride it just so they could see what being terrified was like.. for that moment.
They got over it, forgot about it.. and we went on to enjoy our day..
Finally after another adventure at a farm, not quite like the farms in the Midwest, but a farm non the less....
bison, pigs, goats, cows, lamas, milking a cow, bunnies, the hay ride, and lets not forget yet another awesome train ride... soooooooooo 3.5 hours later of kick ass petting zoo adventures.. we headed back to swim, swim swim...
Graham's trip, Graham's choices.... WHere did he want to go? The beach... so, the last two days we spent in Florida were in Clearwater Beach. I have to say, watching your children roll around in soft white sand, dance and swim in the ocean, and see the sun set in the Gulf... is absolutly amazing.
I swear if you could hear them cackle at every wave that hit their bellies, your heart would melt.
I of course made a new friend, she was like my long loss tattoo soul sista, we found a conch, and again I was reminded how sometimes you find the coolest people, when you aren't lookin~

So this is the short version of the trip.. the details are slim, but the memories are awesome.. if you know me, you know I take the good with the bad, and the ugly with out even breaking my stride, this was no different... Not at all.
So when I say I don't believe we ever are made to follow a PLan, I mean it whole heartily.. my boys are no different, they roll with the punches, and things work out soo much better when we just let it ride.
I said I don't believe in magic, I don't.
I do believe thou, that good people helped us get there, and now back here... sooooooooooooo what's next? not sure
NOT EVEN MAKIN A PLAN..

The waves, we decided as a family, take away all the negative energy and leave you with positive, so together, we let go of a lot of bad and kept all the good.

Our last sun set....
Peace out Florida

timing

2011-09-05T10:18:00.000-07:00

truth is, everyone get's hurt
people change...
sometimes we are challenged only to win.
I don't always believe everything I hear...
I don't believe everything I see...
I wonder often if matching is an artform.. (laughing)
did the old lady at the Little Ceasars care that I opened the door for her?
does laughter really soothe the soul, or does music get the win?

Breaking the Shell

2011-06-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

Slowly but surely, I am breaking that shell. Today, something so simple made me have a new outlook, on life, coincidence and just being me.
It had been awhile since I had taken the kiddos to Proctor Park, today, the weather was perfect and the mood struck, so after an amazing lunch we headed out.
I use to dread going there, just because most of our time was spent sitting at the war monument throwing stones... We have finally out grown that aspect of the park, YAY!
Today was different, once we arrived Graham was immediately drawn to a woman with a handsome dog, Tito, " I wanna pet the dog mommy" I simply said, go for it, just ask her if it's ok... who would have known that would have started the next hour in a half of adventure with boys, toads, and rocks! :) With Lots and lots of Laughter.
Life is filled with so many strange cosmic commons.. I met a Liz, who is a mother of twin boys, they were 5, and had a best friend Tristan, who was just as much a brother to them as best friends can be. I watched them all interact... Liz was great, she was so much like me, The twins were drawn to her, they of course, smiled and charmed her.. like they do all women ;).
I think twin mom's have a different jive with one another, not to be offensive to singleton moms, it's just a fact.
We joked about never being prepared, and dumping poop out of underwear, and letting the boys water the grass, and laughed because we know it's OK! Who's judging us anyway? I learned that sometimes talking to another woman, who is just as happy to be with her kids as you are with yours is an AWESOME feeling.
The boys had a blast, I learned about baby toads, tadpoles, tiny pebbles can be used for rock rain, burial of bodies, and make shift construction work... and most of all, to suck it up, and get dirty, city slickers like me, need to get dirty.
We almost had a few deaths of the baby toads, my boys kept thinking like spiders it was something to squish, and it seemed so much fun to shake them in a bucket, but Liz explained to them in a different fashion that they were nice....
I met a person who treated my kids like I expect them to be treated, a total stranger shared her Mt. Dew and took the time to learn about us, as I learned about them.
I Hope we made some new friends today, I cherish having moments with the kids that keep them engaged in activity. I love meeting moms who think like me, "this time we have with them is priceless, so lets make it count". I am so glad that I am raising my kids and not depending on anyone else to do so.
Yes, we suffer, having little expendable cash and eating at home a lot.. but who cares? In the long run, they wont remember all the superficial stuff, they will remember all the quality time.
Tonight Dylan and Graham asked me one question,
" Mommy, can we go back to the park to meet more big kids to catch froggies?".
I simply said, hell yeah!
Next time we will bring our own nets!
So today, I say this, There is no such thing as limitations.. childhood is a one shot deal, I want my boys to have the best, make it count, they only get one right? So my job is to make sure it is as Kick ass as possible.
Summer is so full of swimming, tanning in our undies, blowing bubbles, laughing out loud, learning new songs from their favorite artist, sure I influence their music taste but hell, it's better than wheels on the bus..
Sooooooooooooooo with that said, I bid you goodnight..

awakening

2011-05-23T16:27:00.000-07:00

This little boy is my Hero! My amazing son, Graham, He was so proud of himself, He walked his survivor lap with his juice box in one hand and his metal in the other, he was beaming, giving people High fives, and HOPE! I heard a few people tell me this weekned that they didn't envy me, and nor should they. I met a complete stranger who told me that I shouldn't stop speaking, and sharing our story, and that I was a decent public speaker, as I stood with my son by my side and he did nothing but be himself, and as if he was possessed by a power greater than himself, after telling our story, I picked him up and he yells into the microphone, "I am a survivor!" Needless to say, I think most people cried! I needed to participate in this Relay for Life event this year, because it's been three years since Graham's diagnosis, and I had a lot of healing to do. I needed to let a lot out, and let it go.. I did that night... Here a just a couple of shots of the lit lumineers.... I still tear up thinking bout it. We had about 15 for Graham.. and that touched my heart!

Over 2000 bags lit in honor of those who have survived and those we have loss to CANCER!

I may never understand why us, , why my son, why your mom, or your aunt or your best friend, husband, child, wife, cousin whomever we may know... I don't think I am suppose to. I learned this weekend, that I can find strength in myself, and strangers ... and Friends show up when you need them most!

It does stink.. but, it doesn't stop!

Things they say

2011-05-20T18:40:00.000-07:00

she said she was, "fed up, done, over it".. that she needed to "Find the strength to let him go"...
but,she hasn't.

he told me,"you missed the boat on that one"

she says,"your my best friend"

he say's,"I love you"

"please", "thank you"

"ha, you're amazing"

"you're such a strong woman"

"only you understand me"

these are just a few of the things I have heard lately..
I wonder thou, sometimes when people share thoughts, and fears and emotions.. what they are looking for in return?
I wonder, are we just all waiting for the puzzle piece that fits us just so?
To know that finally we are not alone in are thinking? For me,most of the time my thinking is sooooo off, when someone clicks with me, I almost instantly catch myself wanting to do back flips because, they get it!!
What is IT? well it's me!
I don't need a translator.
I totally feel the whole, if you;re not with me you are against me, because in my life it has always been so true.
this is going nowhere..
I just wanted to find out from people, do you get excited when you find people who get it?
Get you?
I do!

a little piece of mind

2011-04-17T17:28:00.000-07:00

Do you see what I see?
This foot? It leaves a mark, it touches many people.... sooooooooooooooooo often. Blink and you'll miss it.

This is a venting session... one that needs to get out, out of my head, it will stay in my heart, but it needs out of my head...
"are you single?"
" do they see their dad on the weekend?"
"it must be hard raising twin boys alone"
...
Welcome to my world.... nope not single, yup the boys see their Dad on the weekends, and yes, it sure as fuck is hard raising twin boys alone.
Doesn't make sense does it?
NO.... NO....... I have always been in relationships that are unhealthy.. having children doesn't change that... it only changes me.
I am the best mother, he's the sometimes best game, I am the healer, the calmer downer, the bedtime routine, the bath, the dinner, lunch and breakfast, the park, the museum, the zoo, the walk, the teacher of skipping stones, the hide and seek, the computer games, the abc's the potty trainer, the world....... I am the mother!
Does it make me angry?
Sometimes.. do I cry? sometimes... is it gonna break me? HELL NO!
I am not the one missing out here folks...
I just hope that he realizes that he needs to snap out of it...
before someone else scoops me up and does~
and people wonder why I will never get married..
ha, that's laughable..
don't judge me, or feel sorry for me or my kids... they got the best thing in the world.. ME :) and in return I have that peace.

ramble on rose

2011-04-10T17:23:00.000-07:00

Graham you saved my soul

So lately I have just sat back an thought about so many things, the thoughts that ramble in my mind, the dreams I had, that somehow I let slip away, the courage I use to have, now turned in to anxiety coupled with fear...
Ever get that feeling when your at a playground with your kiddos, and they are up HIGH ... and you panic... like everything is in slow slow slow motion?
didn't think so...
Do you have an Unexplained fear of someone always out to get you?

My twins saved my life, THEY Saved it.... One of these days I will be brave enough to share the details with what I call the average bear, but for now it;s safe in my heart....
I received a balance bracelet .... it's time... I practiced my old Yoga routine last few nights and don't have the balance to even hold a pose.. POISON... yup... my inner peace is destroyed.

So here is a fucked piece I wrote... don't read into it too much yo..................

Moving forward looking out the broken window, shattered glass all over the dead lawn, tears of freedom , tears waiting to be reborn. She can't taste tomorrow
and yesterday sucks, so she waits for the mission , her statement, the sometime ,somewhere, good luck. Win some, lose some, money train, ride some, can't be the one to die some tonight. Alone she whispers her anthem in the streets. A middle class white girl can't talk about growing up in the ghetto, but can tell you the In's and outs of visiting it to buy her a piece of mind. It will surely fuck your world up. It might feel like a slice of pie, sweet for about a week, then everything around you is bitter and well not so sweet.

look into those broken eyes

My momma once told me that I would never know what love was... I told her I would be the last one standing and the last one to fall... Today I know it's ok to learn by mistakes, just be careful when crossing the broken streets, and don't get stuck in the lies and deception of addiction, it blinds you, destroys you, abruptly nothing matters, not even you.. that street is all you remember the spot, the corner, the hustlers, the gun shots, the deaths, the rape.... fools know, fools fall... Soldiers get back up and make life better...

10 years later.. here I am.... there they are

the best beings in my life! I wouldn't ever trade this for anything!

THIS IS LOVE!! NO DOUBT

untitled

2011-03-31T15:18:00.000-07:00

Crossed insanity, the blvd. is hazy, the intersection was crazed, mad lunatics watched from afar.
The sirens chased the shadows into the dark colored bushes and we reminisce about the old days and how we use to play with broken glass and rubber bands to help heal the tight wounds we kept in the palms of our hands... The mad display of insanity marches through all the peaceful creatures heads, Why is this going on? Why should anyone even care?
Why is the insanity so profound? Why is the world crashing down? When will the sleepy, creepiness die down? When will the loneliness conquer the dreams of lost devotion?
When I cry the music seeps into my tear drops. The loneliness will eventually eat me alive.
Sad thing is all I really want to do is drive, fast or slow, or somewhere in between the monsters so they don't find me.
Grabbed a hold of me, Held me softly, tore my racy clothes, some which were made with gold... Oh how the wind it blows. Blowing thru what's left of my feathered hair, laughing at all the people who stare....
Freaks me out when the clouds hit my spot, emotionally torn from here back to there, wondering when I even began to care.. Lesser tomorrow's bring back the flashes of last year... and I am alone again, it's always near. Love him that is for sure, but ,what about tonight?

ureka

2011-03-26T08:49:00.000-07:00

I have to write about this brilliant Idea, most of you know Graham and his fight with Retinoblastoma which has left him with one eye, and it's an amazing eye!
I think we are going to start a foundation to not only raise awareness, but also, start a fund to raise money for his future prothethics.. as I know one day that expense will fall in his lap.
He takes great pictures, he loves the camera.. it's like his loss eye...
So... all spring and summer he is gonna get to work, start getting shots of whatever his heart desires, and then when we get a good amount of shots, I will have him help me edit them, and put together a photo book, and start making him some awareness funds and a trust for that missing eye...
Now to find the perfect camera... that's the tough part.

Nice

2011-03-22T17:34:00.000-07:00

Nice
I am the kind of nice that always gets taken advantaged of, for example, lets say were in a long line at the grocery store and I notice you have like two things, I usually say, "Go Ahead".
Nice
I am the kind of nice that if your waiting in line to use the bathroom, and I see you doing the Potty Dance, I say, "Go Ahead".
Nice
I am the kind of nice that tells you, " your hair looks amazing" when no one else has bothered to notice.
Nice
I am the kind of nice that even if I HATE what you want to do for fun, I am right there by your side, laughing at all the fun you are having.
Nice, Nice, toooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fuckin nice.
I wonder where this stems from, I hope it goes away, it's like that doormat, lets just wipe our feet on it over and over. Let's kick some dirt on it.
Nice
A old man at Marsh today, while I was paying our Electric bill, bought me a lotto ticket, he said, " sweety you have the nicest eyes I have ever seen!" .... nice
so I scratched and won... a free ticket.. and said, "This is for you, that was the nicest thing an adult has done for me today".. he scratches and wins $1000.00... smiles, and says " NICE"
I walked away... then stopped and said, "Donate some of that money to Childhood Cancer reasearch, Please!"

What the fuck? REally, like I said I am too fuckin Nice.

sick

2011-03-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

things that suck about being sick,
sneezing...
it's like the whole entire space of your brain comes out with that loud sound, and then everything settles back in place and just when you think your done.. bammmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 3 more sneezes.
the wet drip.. you know the one, where snot is slowing leaking out of your raw nose like a slow dripping faucet.. and your just so damn tired...
cold med's... or lack of...
good things about being sick, yes I did find a couple..
VICKS.. I LOVE YOU!
Graham and Dylan, "mommy r u sick?", take a tissue.. :)
and somehow getting sucked into the daily marathon of Jersey Shore..
I realized I was blessed, I am not a hoar! ;)
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thanks god awful cold..
now good night.. the pm is kickin in

still waiting on this one... daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamit.

So Long Status Updates

2011-03-18T17:01:00.000-07:00

Why would I want to give up Spacebook you ask? Why? /Why? , Why ? Why the fuck not? I think time I waste on the computer, should be wasted doing what I love, getting back to my passion, writing! I want to reach out to the world a different way, no one really cares that I am a bit of a smart ass, no one really cares that I get angry easily and want to beat people up on a regular basis, do they???
I am getting back to the basics of what matters, These two boys in this picuture, my heart and soul, my breath of fresh air, my laughter my dreams, my hopes ... my children!
I realize that I can't deactivate it because being that it's a prison with some inmates that I actually care about makes me trapped... but I can still eliminate the world that doesn't really give a shit.
Here's the harshes reality for me, for every one time I Have posted anything about childhood cancer awareness................ ONLY TWO people whom aren't members of my Cancer mom club ever repost.. What the fuck is that about?
Then I realized, those thought don't matter to anyone because it isn't affecting their lives..
It has affected many lives of the women I have come to know and love...
so blech....

it is what it is

2011-02-20T17:03:00.000-08:00

She sits on the bus stop bench, torn, bruised and broken waiting... All the violence and pain creeps up on her and drives by.
She's still waiting, sitting, dreaming of that day when it stops and picks up her and her dream.
The dream to get away for a minute, jump on the number 10 and never look back. The dark alley ways, they'll just get darker, she wont be there though. She wont die there, she'll get on her bus and go.
Every stop gets brighter and brighter, she'll pick up wisdom between here and there. The ride yes it's bumpy, hot and sometimes crowded, but across the way she will find warmth, in an other person's eyes.
The bus stop. The bench is broken and scarred, but a memory and dream is born there everyday, by two or three hundred dreamers who hold the same dream of getting away and being free.
To a place far away from the darkness. Somewhere to run and play.
Just think it all started one single day when a woman sat down on the bench and prayed that she would someday find away where things would be okay... At the bus stop, look for me, dreaming of a place.. where we can all be free.

xxx

The Power of Three

2011-01-22T17:06:00.000-08:00

For years and years, my number it's been three.
If you ask me why I wouldn't be able to give you a straight answer.
Have you ever felt like smashing something into peices and then calmly counting to three?
Amazing isn't it?
ha
This week I realized something ...
1/19 marked three years to the date, that I took Graham to the Doctor for his wellness check up at his five month mark, bringing to his attention the flicker I kept seeing in his left eye... I remember being ignored and blown off, as if it wasn't at all a big deal...
I remember leaving that day, knowing that I had a gut feeling, something wasn't right, a light reflection would not be the cause of what his father and I were seeing, and went back to the office..
Demanded we see a specialist.. sure we had to wait for the appointment..
the would have, could have, should have.. always gets me.
Those three things.. woulda, shoulda, coulda...
I hate the month of Feburary more than January 19, 2008.
It changed our lives forever, It saved Graham's life, but ,scarred me... and that's ok. I know that now.
I can be mad, angry, sad, emotional... I am allowed.
Retinoblastoma was not my fault. It was nothing we could do to prevent, or change or watch out for...
So, three years later, how do I feel?
ha ... good question.
How don't I feel? better question.
answer... need not apply.
Graham is an amazing little boy, his heart is golden, his spirit is moving, his laughter breaks me down to feeling like I am a three year old most days...Just the thought of him possibly not being here with me and his brother makes me want to puke. It is something I can't imagine, and never want to, and lucky for us, I don't have to.
This new tattoo I got this week on his anniversary date... of that, is (past present future) ...
let go of the past
enjoy the present
and embrace the future...
3
crazy thing is though.. it is not always that easy.

Let Him be

2011-01-17T10:14:00.000-08:00

When I find myself with circumcisers
Angry and confronting me,
I try speaking words of wisdom - let him be.
And when they speak their dark myths
While they're standing right in front of me
I try speaking words of wisdom - let him be.

Let him be, let him be.
I whisper words of wisdom - let him be.

And when the hard-hearted people
Take the time to try to see,
There's a simple answer - let him be.
For though they may be guarded,
There is still a chance that they'll agree
There's a simple answer - let him be.

Let him be, let him be,
Let him be, oh, let him be.
There's a simple answer - let him be.

And though their thoughts seem cloudy
There is still a light for all to see
Shine truth until tomorrow - let him be.
Please wake up to the sound of reason,
Mother, Father, come to see
And speak those words of wisdom - let him be.

Let him be, let him be.
There's a simple answer - let him be.
Let him be, let him be.
Yes, whisper words of wisdom, let him be...
**
This is one of the most well written things, that are pararllel to parenting....
we are embracing change.. sound of reason...

Balance or Imbalanced?

2011-01-13T18:11:00.000-08:00

........
Balance a rare art form that most mothers seem to fake until they make it. I don't care what anyone says, I know deep down inside we all lose it. We might be in the grocery store hoping that this will be the one trip when we don't have to buy some sort of food to give the children to just remain happy and allow the trip to just go "smoothly",so we don't have to leave groceries in the cart and escort ourselves out the door with children in hand screaming, or just maybe this time when we say, No more, they actually get it...
Or maybe it's just me..
I find that now that the twins are three, they can be much more challenging of their will over my way. I see such creativity and determination in their eyes, and most times it's to get their way. I know that that makes them amazing and smart and even at times cunning and manipulative... all in those little bodies with adorable faces, with smiles that melt my heart and then I remember, they have 1/2 of my DNA racing through those thoughts and actions...
I struggle to find that balance.. when they act out, when they hit me or use their "evil voices" to tell me to go to timeout, I have to wonder, when did you two at three, become the parent? How is it that you are telling me what to do? What happened?
Oh I know what happened... Somewhere, some how, I got soft. I started to let them rule me, for lack of a better phrase,and now that I see the results of these actions, I struggle to get back the balance, the unity, the peace.
I sometimes cry, not because I am sad, but because I think I am not doing this right. What am I doing wrong? Does sibling rivalry really have to be this dramatic? I can't believe that two little boys can break me down.
But they do. I am aware and now I am determined to find balance to restore my sanity.
I keep telling myself.. it's winter, it's cabin fever, they are boys, blah blah blah.. but I need to become more proactive... I am going to approach the next few weeks with a different plan. I wont acknowledge the yelling and crying just to get their way.. I will take away toys if they are used as weapons. When I say no, I wont cave in 15 minutes later and give in to pacify the tears. I will continue to love hard, play hard and laugh.
I wont let them see me cry... I will win this war.

this is not suppose to be this cute.....

an ode to being spacey

2011-01-04T17:29:00.000-08:00

I should have known better.
I never remember the things that matter.
I wish I could take it back.
I have somehow loss all grammar and spelling skills.
I don't understand why you never get it.
I really want a diet coke.
I really want to eat something with all kinds of sugar and tasty goodness.
I am not really sure why Glee makes me smile.
I find it comical that nights when everyone is asleep but me, all I hear is thoughts racing thru my head rather than silence.
I don't know if many people can handle me.
I don't think I can handle many people.
I wonder if I am anti~social, but not on purpose, by accident.
Is anything really an accident?
Where are my keys? Why can't I ever find my phone ?
Do I even want it?
Did someone see my diet coke? Oh wait, there isn't any... none at all... so tempted to drive to the Thortons just for a sip. I feel like a ,you know, I am funky not a junky but I know to get it bit...
I was driving yesterday morning with the twins in the car, listening to old Grateful Dead tunes.. and totally forgot where we were going, but it was awesome, because the three of us were singing our hearts out... to " cold rain and snow" and you know when Jerry just belts out his chorus, the boys do to and it gives me chills.
That's just me getting caught up in the joys of being a Mom, with kids that love music.. thank you powers that be for that one.
Then today when I was putting away laundry, the boys got very, very quiet, I knew at that moment something was brewing... and what did I discover??
Two adorable blondes, covered in Orange paint.
All this while I am humming along in the closet putting away laundry, that I forgot I had even washed on SUnday...
ODE TO SPACE...
bring back my phone, my keys, my senses... If you stumble upon a DC drop it on my door step.
For now.. this space cadet is hitting the sheets.. yes

PEACE OUT 2010

2010-12-31T10:06:00.000-08:00

Truth be told, This is the fifth time I have tried to write this post, every time I have gotten close to being done, the boys erase it... so here goes my last attempt.

My ode to 2010 and welcome to 2011...
I am making a list of things that are not going to be in my life this new year, and hope that inside me I find the strength and will to follow thru, and not back down.

1) I am totally ridding all toxic energy from my life.. so if your a person and you cause harm, drama, or annoy me or my family ( poof your gone)

2) Toxic food...this is going to be the toughest on me... I eat poorly.. I am not over weight but, I doubt my arteries are liking what I am doing to them.... I know that eating better will in turn enrich my kids, because they might actually see.. "woah this stuff isn't too bad"

3) this year 1/19 will mark my fourth year of the family and Retinoblastoma... so I think it's time I find some peace. We have been blessed since 2/24/08 with out any more tumors and Dylan has not been affected at all. So, I think that Letting it go will help me move forward in a lot of avenues. I have found a therapist who is willing to work with me, so this adventure should be interesting.. to say the least.

4) I am going to love harder, play harder, read more , laugh more and maybe even relax a little bit more.. if at all possible. I will begin my parenting with a kinder and gentler approach to parenting. I hope that the abuse both their father and I endured in our lifetime and our parents in theirs will be put to end . I believe the cycle ends here with our choices.

and that's just it...
2011 bring it.. the good, the bad, the trying.. all of it. I know that I have been thru a lot over the past four years.. and short of going crazy, I think my mantra.. " yo, you got this "... will get me through another year.

It's gonna be a "New Year"

2010-12-29T07:30:00.000-08:00

So now that Christmas is over, the presents have all been unwrapped and the boys are playing more with each other then any toy or game in the house, I sit back and drink this warm cup of coffee and think of all the things that have gone on this past year... 2010.

I think the hardest part of this year is every Eye exam that the twins undergo, but hearing that there have been NO TUMORS is always a lifting feeling.. yet somehow the despair and anger still subsides in my heart. When will that ache leave? will it ever? I removed myself from so many RB Cancer groups, just so I could try to let go of the pain and heartache that I hold on to. Graham is three, he doesn't hold on to much resentment, anger or fear... Why should I ?

I still wish after almost 4 years now that we were never touched with this horrible disease. I read so many updates on families with little ones that have earned their "wings" this year and cry like a fool. I am grateful to hold my guy everyday.. both of them. I am grateful that I was able to detect something wrong and demand getting it addressed.. because I see what the outcomes could have been. My heart breaks for those other families.. and some I have grown to know over the last few years, just because we share that horrible thing in common.. CANCER.

2010...

The singing and dancing that we endure almost everyday, the laughter, the tempers, the daring moves of the amazing duo.. the EPIC age of three.. ha, I used my most hated word for the year. I know that motherhood/ parenting is never too easy, and if it is then something is usually going on that shouldn't be... example if the twins are awake and quiet, that usually equals some sort of messy mess that they have created ( eggs, butter, nesquick, flour, shaving cream, lotion.. just to name of few of the things I have had to clean up this year)

I have grown in a spiritual way this year, because I have been reminded time and time again thru the kindness of others that good people still exist.. they just don't advertise.

Sometimes I sit back and look at all the would have, could have's, and really glad that I did it all just the way I did. After all I wouldn't be who I am with out those. I have began doing Yoga again to find that balance that the libra in me needs. It also brings piece of mind when I feel I need it most.

I plan on getting a new tattoo in 2011.. it will represent, the past the present and the future. It's very fitting, and will be a reminder that I can let a lot of the past go, hold on tight to the present and the future will work it'self out.

I wish that 2011 will be an easier year on us financially, but that never happens... so someone please send me some lottery tickets.

Liberation of The Mind

2010-12-22T16:29:00.000-08:00

Every so often In my life I go through this thought process...

It starts off with me questioning, "What do you do for me?" if the answers are negative I drop you like a bad habit.

I don't know if that is a good thing nor if it's bad... some would say I am cold or fickle, I just say like it is.

Your no good for me, you do nothing but cause toxic energy to fill my head.. and I have had enough Toxic energy for my lifetime..

It also dawned on my that I am such a loner... I realized I don't really hold too many people really close to me.

I think I went down one too many a path of destruction in my life and now I have too many trust issues...

hmmmmmmmmmm

close circle

that's my excuse to stay alone and not people really get to know me.. Maybe one of these day's I will just forgive myself and liberate my mind, spirit and soul.

Woke Up This Mornin' With Tune Stuck In My Head

2010-12-21T05:34:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning with a tune stuck in my head. I hum it as i make the coffee, as the boys pee in the potty, as I gaze out the window of, wait for it, MORE SNOW!!
I love music, it drives me, it inspires me, it really hits me when I am up or when I am down...
What is the tune? What is the tune?
Sometimes when I am alone I totally belt out songs in the car like I am giving a concert to anyone that will listen.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh....
What is the tune?
I love that the boys love music, they sing and imitate the singers voices to the best of their abilities... it's too darn cute.
My my my...
What is the tune?
The tune?
The tune?
The tune?
It's my tune... It's always stuck in my head.. it's my mantra, my spirit...
What is the the tune?
YO YOU GOT THIS...

it's about that time...

2010-12-20T18:48:00.000-08:00

I decided to break down... begin to explore the art of letting it all out. I am not sure how or why it matters, but, What I do know is that it is not fair to keep it all locked up inside, be it good, bad, crazy, wild or just fucked up.
I have thoughts, I need to express them.. I read so many well written blogs.. This is not a competition it's just me.
I hope to share stories of life, occasional poetry, adventures in parenting, friendships, love, loss the whole bit..

So... my gift to me...LETTING IT OUT.