Memoirs

Mauryn's Memoirs: Shea Butter and Memories~Grateful

2022-03-03T15:42:00.001+03:00

Mauryn's Memoirs: Shea Butter and Memories~Grateful: Timecheck: 04:06hrs. Even the frogs are quiet. An occasional vehicle sound is heard every few minutes-no hoots just a moving vehicle. I&#39...

Almost

2018-05-26T02:29:00.000+03:00

Time check: 02:11hrs.
I should be asleep by all means possible. I should have slipped into slumber mode three or four hours ago but I still can't seem to get my eyes to shut.
I have indulged in all pleasures sinful tonight-acts that leave me a guilty note in the morning but get me snoring or dreaming away before the morning comes by.

Well, with sleeplessness comes a brooding that is so annoying loud neighbors do not come close. It comes with all these louder than loud reminders of all things I have attempted and failed at in the previous months. It highlights notes, comments, recommendations, commendations and so much more that have been thrown at my person from all corners expected and unexpected.
Seemingly positive and mostly genuinely given statements that should have made me feel and act proud of my simple lost self but instead rack up fires no one would ever have the power to put out let alone look at.

Statements that make me feel more a loser than all the things that are said at and of me.

All my Almosts are proudly shining through my sleepless night this one and I can not find a single comeback for them.

I almost made a great girlfriend.
I almost run a successful business.
I was an almost real parent.
I was almost a suicide statistic...

I was almost...

In memory of...

2016-09-30T13:48:00.002+03:00

The day my father died was just like any other day. The sun rose and set like it had done the day before and did the day after. We had lunch and failed on dinner because the adults were wailing non-stop.

I was thirteen years old -that is old enough to know and feel the pain of losing a loved one.

Losing a father.

I, however didn't feel anything at the time except guilt for still wanting to eat when everyone else in the house didn't feel hungry. Thing is, I hardly knew this guy who had passed on. I could count the number of conversations we'd had in his lifetime with my one hand and even then there'd still be a few fingers left.

The burial ceremony was set in motion, relatives from far and near came to bid farewell to him and I still felt like a stranger in this sea of humans who kept saying "Bambi! obwana nga buto!" Loosely translated to "Shame! The children are still young!"..... My siblings got to wear the black clothes and got all pampered and I was just another spectator.. and it still didn't hurt.

After the ceremonies and everybody's goodbyes, one of my brothers (he was four years old) walked up to me and asked what it meant to die.

"Did it mean that Daddy would not come back in the evening with milk?"

"Does death mean no more ice-cream from Uncle?" A younger cousin chipped.

"No more action films?" Another brother asked.

And then it hit me! He was their person. I didn't know him (even though he was my father) but I knew them. And they were hurting.

They probably didn't know how much they were hurting but I looked in their eyes and saw pain.

And it hurt.

It hurt that their ice-cream and action film provider would not be showing up any more.

It hurt that I was hurting on their behalf and not on my own.

It still hurts that he left before I knew him or that for the thirteen years I'd been in existence, he had never tried to get to know me- maybe he had.

Why am I reminiscing over that gloomy second week of January?

Well, this morning a loved one called me asking if I could share a friend's number who works at a hospital because her employee was critically ill. Moments later, news came through that this gentleman's soul had left his body for another realm.

Now that hurt!

And it is still hurting. It's hurting for his four children who will not witness the burial of their father. Children who might never see their father's burial site (he's being buried in a foreign country).

I hurt for the widow who's been looking forward to the regular remittances in order to keep their house in order.

I hurt for the brother with whom he's been sharing a house- a dream to better their living conditions. With whom they had plans of conquering the world....

I hurt for his employer who has been signing his paycheck every month and now she will have to sign one less and even she somehow finds another person who can do his job, it will not be him.

I closed my eyes and remembered the time I spent with him while he made my daughter's dress for a school concert and I could hear the Zouk music play like it was just in the next room.

I couldn't stop crying and I can't stop wishing his family and all the families who have lost loved ones today and days before will find comfort in something- anything.

I know all this pain and tears will be nothing but a memory in the face of all that life throws at me but for today, I pray for the families. I pray they find peace- somehow.

I pray they keep their candles burning in memory of the love they've shared with the fallen members.

..Take my hand

2016-06-06T18:52:00.000+03:00

"Mummy, let me hold your hand so that you don't fall"

My three year old son was my pillar of support this morning as we made our way via a very rugged path to their day care center. I was rendered speechless by his offer and just had to take his little hand until he was sure we were on steady ground and that is when he let go.

Today, I had on a pair of heels that was a little higher than normal and given the terrain we were traversing my ankle was getting a raw deal.

All through my day today I kept going back to that one offer. It is a simple thing or so it seems to be a simple thing but think about it.

How many times have you needed a hand? Maybe to help you up or down or ahead.

Of the times you have needed a hand, how many hands have been stretched out to you?

Better yet, how many times have you stretched your hand out to another? When you stretch your hand out, do you do it to your known associates or does humanity as a whole benefit from your stretched hand? When you do, do you remember the previous times you have held someone else's hand or is every time a new time with no record of last time?

Once upon a time, I was on the verge of being thrown out by somebody I thought I loved. Their reason was simple, I help too much. See, when there is need in front of me- someone else's need, I don't think about what I am doing until I have done it. I barely think about the cold that will bite into my flesh before I undress to give out my jacket to a poorly dressed street youth.

I don't think about the miles I will have to walk when I pull my last shilling out of my purse when someone begs for it. Neither do I think about the long hours ahead of my night through surgeries. I simply stretch out.

My friends and acquaintances have often times asked me why I run charity projects when I am the perfect charity project and I have no reason why beyond the mere fact that I have a hand that I can stretch out. It does not make sense not even to me sometimes but my heart sings whenever someone smiles because of something I did. I will sleep better knowing someone else has a few more years with their baby boy because of the time I gave them.

And no, I do not have money to give anybody but I have time. I do not know who coined the phrase that "Time is money" (do you know?) but it seems to work perfectly well. The time I put in begging on behalf of someone else usually pays off.....

Before I lose myself all I want to say is always give. Do not give because you want to be counted as a giver but give because

1. You have been given freely (no one has ever paid an application fee to be on earth)

2. Happy is to share and happy is to bear one the other's burden

And also because I need a new phone. So, can someone kindly donate a mobile handset to me. Someone make me a charity project because at this very instant, I am a charity project.

Life is playing dirty to me and I need a phone so badly it's painful and no I can't afford the phone I want. Yes- Want. I want an LG4 or LG3. My creditors might think I run away with their money- Lord no! I didn't. I am not hiding just yet- but I need a phone. A real phone this time.

Can you please stretch your hand out to me with a mobile phone contribution in in.

Rumors

2016-06-02T18:02:00.003+03:00

"Can you imagine what Maureen is wearing today?"
"Maureen is so annoying!"

Maureen this, Maureen that, Maureen there!
Lord! when does this all stop?

"Life is the best teacher there can ever be"- I always doubted that when my Lifetime Friend mentioned it some years ago but now.... Now I know.

I know that Life has her lesson plans panned out all through one's lifespan and she will ensure that every student gets to learn their portion before she sends them to the next world.
I also know that not everyone is a nice person-regardless of how bright their smiles and "awws" are- They simply aren't nice at all. They will plan your exit one minute and kiss you a second after they've implemented their plan.

Take for instance this one time random night when I was tossing in my bed- totally sleepless and bored. My phone rang and the caller ID got me grinning but what the caller talked about about was not grin-worthy.

Here goes:
Ring Ring
(Maureen slides green icon on her phone towards the red one)

Caller: Hi Momo
Momo: Hi yourself
Caller: You are supposed to be in my bed right now.
Momo: That pick up line just threw me farther from your bed. Let's try another line and maybe, Just maybe I could be at your dinner table or maybe the couch if you have one.
Caller: Well, I went to pick up a book from the Library and the Librarian asked me how you were doing since she hadn't seen you all morning. She went ahead to enlighten me about our budding romance and how we are either married or lovers from another lifetime!
Momo: Ooookaaaaay
..........
Cut.

And that leaves me wondering inf my colleagues' lives are that boring they have to find pleasure and entertainment from discussing other humans. Can't they read a book or pick at their nails or squish a pimple or re-apply their wrong powders and foundation creams? Or can't they atleast concentrate on picking out the right foundation for their skin colors!!!

And I just joined them! see? I talked about my colleagues! and another life lesson has been executed-

If you can't beat them, join them

Adios

Of Religion and things

2016-06-01T09:17:00.004+03:00

Job 33:16- says:
For God speaks once, yea twice, yet man perceives it not.In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls upon men, in slumberings upon the bed; Then he opens the ears of men, and seals their instruction, That he may turn man from his purpose, and hide pride from man. He keeps back his soul from the pit, and his life from perishing by the sword.

Once or more, I have often wondered why religion exists. The teachers (parents, priests, Sheikhs etc) have time and again told about the importance of religion and why one needs to cultivate and maintain a working relationship with God (whomever they perceive Him to be). Now, I am not saying I do not believe in the existence of powers supernatural- I do.

But the one question that still fails to get answered satisfactorily is why we have to all belong to different religious sects and yet still claim there is one GOD. That beats my understanding and has me running around almost Godlessly.

The other day I was in a bus- patiently waiting for it to fill up so that we could get moving. (I had a brood of young-lings waiting on me for their evening meal and so much more). Within the same parking lot where our bus was parked was a crowd gathered to sneer at the Christian faith visa-vie believers. From the sound and looks of it, it had been organised by a different religious sect. One that despises the very presence of Christians. I will call them Religion Z.

The "Z-ians" had knowledge of the Bible and were intent on desecrating it without fear. The Christians, whenever they were given a chance to respond to an accusation or so often found themselves on the defensive. In short, the Z-ians were bullies. And I asked myself how on earth they'd hope to get converts if they came out as bullies. No body (at least I don't) loves bullies.

They are un-reliable and un-very many things.

By the time our bus set off, I was angry. Angry at life. Angry at the divisions humans have created among themselves because of something as fickle as religion. Angry that in as much as each of these religions preach love, none practice the love they preach. Angry that regardless of all, I still feel compassion for all humankind regardless of their walk in life. Angry that I was angry.

In my formative years, I never identified myself with a particular church but I attended fellowship whenever I found a gathering. Until that one day I attended a gathering and they were trash talking another sect. That was it. It's been over five years of no church gathering for me.

I digress but going back to the verse that I found sitting in my mail box- dreams. Some sources claim dreams are simply an extension of our waking lives. That they are suppressed thoughts that the mind seems to bring upfront when the body relaxes. However, if that were true, why then do some dreams come to pass?

For instance, on the bus this morning I briefly closed my eyes and I had a dream. In it, I was involved in an accident. When I opened my eyes, I mumbled a few prayerful chants and pushed it to the back of my mind. However, when I got to the bus stop and had to cross the road- a truck that seemed very familiar and one whose plates I had seen before run over a cyclist- Right in front of my eyes! That was the weirdest thing to happen to me since the disappearance of my bank balance last night! It's not until I'd gotten to my place of work that I remembered seeing that truck in my bus time dream!

And it's things like these that confuse me even more about the workings of that other intangible world. A world religion speculates about but can never give concrete facts about. A world we are only supposed to be in after we shed our physical selves. A world I unfortunately often visit without my physical consent. All I need for my time here is lots of laughter and happy times with my children. Not these visions that leave me confused.

Let's Pray:

Our Father, who art in heaven;

Hallowed by thy Name.

Thy Kingdom come.

Thy will be done on Earth,

as it is in heaven.

Give us this day, our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us

Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil,

For thine is the Kingdom

And the Power, and the Glory

Forever and Ever

Amen

In bits of many drafts

2016-05-31T09:40:00.002+03:00

I woke up today with all intent to write and publish a post but somehow all that goodwill and great energy has vanished.
It's not that I have nothing to write about- I do. I have many stories to recollect, lots of memoirs I would like to store somewhere- if only to beat myself up two years after for the bad grammar.

However, after reading everyone (almost everyone) else's powerful and fact filled posts, mine seem to shrink in comparison. And no one really wants to be a failure in their own eyes- I am no exception!

Two months ago I nearly combusted in front of my teenage daughter and the head of the school she goes to. This child refused to hand in her homework because her answers differed from her peers'!
Well, Talk about the apple not falling so far from the tree, matter of fact- this apple refuses to fall from the tree. I am very sure she would feel the same way about me right now if I explained to her why I have millions of drafts and not a single completed story!

Since my story so refuses to take shape, I will share some of the latest draft pieces:

Draft 1

Foundations:I had never really understood why make-up wearing humans were crazy about the right tone of foundation until today.
See, today I officially started at my new job where I am required to be a counselor as well as a marketing officer. Coming from a few months of joblessness and uncertain mornings, I have chosen to make this work. I always had options before, many options in that I could comfortably go for months without working but the last few months have been really hard! I now know what it is like to be BROKE.
Now, my new supervisor is talking about foundations and the importance of foundations and all that I seem to hear is the number of debt collecting phone calls that will be coming through once the people I owe monies hear about this new job@ LAWD

Dated March 7, 2016

DRAFT 2

Forever
"Relax Maureen, we have forever between us. And if forever somehow ends, we have eternity. Nothing will ever separate us"... That statement you once casually threw at me as we walked our usual long winded path to the taxi stage always saw me through many a sleepless night. That statement alone always stood out. I hardly remember the rest of the conversation from that night but I remember that line. Just like I remember the day you introduced me to a friend of yours as you Guardian Angel.
"Meet my Guardian Angel" you said. I was dumbfounded. Between you and I, we never ever told each other how much we loved each other- matter of fact, those three words never ever left either of our lips but whatever it was that was between us was felt by all around us. It was intense- I still feel it sometime.
Then you left. Or I left. We left. We lost a baby and we left........

Dated April 15, 2016.

DRAFT 3

He needed a moment"Mummy, my balloon has broken!" My 25 month old son walked into the bathroom last night with sobs so painful I forgot I was naked with soap running all over.

Let's publish this before it turns into another draft!

of first times and forever

2015-09-02T19:31:00.000+03:00

A little over two years ago, I got bored with life. Not that I didn't have things to do, no. In fact I had a lot of things to do. There was a job to go to five days a week. A house hold full of humans that needed Mummy, Aunt, Cousin, Nephew, Boss for one thing or another. Matter of fact, my life was full but it was empty.

So, one idle night I purchased a data bundle and logged into or rather re-activated all my social media accounts. For most of them if not all of them, I had to go about re-setting passwords but I got onto social media anyway. Top of all was #Facebook and it had lots of drama my own life seemed like the most boring cartoon a parent can force their children to watch on a rainy afternoon.
However, midst all the drama, there was one or two people who seemed sane and they seemed like they had their wits around them. One of them was a young man called Ivan Onapito. I liked his reasoning and general outlook on a number of social issues.

One thing led to another and one evening we found ourselves sitting at a restaurant for a meal. This was the first time I was physically meeting him but e-connectivity had ensured we knew all there was to know (well, almost all) about each other. It was a nice meal, a first of many. I don't remember what I ordered but I do remember that I ate my food, finished it and ate some of his.
No, I am not a glutton and I wasn't the least bit nervous (because I do the eating thing when my nerves are acting up). Years later, he still talks about how impressed he was by my appetite.

Ivan has held my hand through a number of things (boyfriends, family feuds, sick children sessions, hormonal imbalanced phases, cat-fight sessions, financial constraints.. e.t.c) and I am ashamed to say that he still gives whenever I need. He has been and continues to be a blessing to my family and I.

Not so long ago, I threw a family member at him because I simply couldn't help her. Not only did he take her through whatever she needed, he actually followed up! I am not the mushy type- sometimes but Ivan takes Christianity to another level.
I have watched him go through school and a few other challenges and he always comes out smiling.

I am not so keen on having my picture taken however one 'date' stands out. We had a rolex date. A very random and fulfilling date it was too. Now I wish I had taken a picture.

Before I lose you, today was Ivan's nth birthday. And on the same day, they lost one of their Children. See, he works with an organization that gives hope to the hopeless.
And this morning one of their own, Dennis Ocen succumbed to tetanus. His tiny body couldn't hang in there any more. I hope his soul finds peace wherever it is and I also pray his twin brother learns how to live without his physical presence.

At the end of the day, I kind of feel shitty that I chose today to be the day I remind him about a meet up we have been planning to have for months now. Without any complaints he apologized- oh bless Ivan's soul-for not making it happen sooner and he set a date. I was just being a girl with my reminder, throwing my hormones all around and he took it in stride. Shame on me!

Dear Ivan, this note is a little longer than last year's note but I hope you have a great year ahead of you. May life get kinder to you as you grow older.

Happy birthday Ivan. May we have forever.

Mauryn.

Ps: we still save up and buy those sweets every so often and I sometimes wonder how far #PoI and you are now... The new one. ;) Bless you.


Ivan- attempting a pout. He is obsessed with the Pout.

I am tired

2015-02-24T14:07:00.002+03:00

The first day I thought about death, it was kind of scary. And the first few days after that, I was worried and at the same time ashamed of my thoughts. I felt guilty for thinking such 'bad thoughts'.

Whenever I sat on a motorbike, I imagined what my lifeless body would look like if we crushed into a trailer or a commuter taxi or simply just fell into a trench. I thought about how my bad thoughts would take along another innocent person's life... me and my death wish.

With time, it became comforting. I actually found solace in the thought of being no more. Of my existence becoming obliterated. Of forever no more.
Then I looked at my children. I seem to be their every need's provider. A fight amongst themselves will never be cleared if Mummy does not say something. Even a fall at school will still 'hurt' until Mummy says sorry!
Micah... oh my Micah, has learned to ask Mummy to forgive him whenever he does something wrong. Goes all stuttery on me after he's torn my bank slips... "M-m-mummy nsonyiwa".

Then there are those friends who feel, Mauryn knows what to say and when to say it. Except when she doesn't. Housemates who believe I have the answers to all questions. Who think and feel I will be capable of fixing everything- from previously dried up mushroom gardens to broken Television sets. Mauryn can and will find a solution to it. Just mention the problem and she will bend backwards to make sure it works.

If I were a tree

Then the children by the road whose mothers believe a six year old should be in position to cross a road that has five vehicles driving by every thirty seconds. And this six year old has with them two other toddlers not older that three years each. And somehow they are supposed to go across that road. Mauryn always stops to help these children cross the road.

The lists are long. Most of the entrants on these lists seem to need me. But I want to die. This is why.
I am tired. (sounds cowardly and everything despicable) But I am tired. I am tired of taking care of everything and everyone.
I know a few people out there who are always ready to help me and take care of me if I ask them to. Be if financially, emotionally or otherwise. I know one who will not complain about being woken up at two a.m only to listen to me express my fears over my cousin whose labor seems to be static. And another who will delegate someone to send me money (if I need it) even though they are on another continent. And those who will not hesitate to come pick me up from work when my body fails to move on its own.
Yes, I do have an army of Angels, always ready to save my day- but I am tired.
I am tired of asking for help. I am tired of being the one who always has tears running down my face and heart. I am tired of seeking bailouts every so often.

And yes, death seems like the only thing left for me to try. Right now, my back aches and my whole body aches along. Back got injured a couple of weeks ago- it hurts. But the pain is bearable because I believe sooner than later, this injury and everything aching will lead me to my final destination. So, compared to my reward- I am living through this pain. Working around it.

I have mastered a way of using the parts of my body that don't require much energy to do the jobs of those parts that have started dying off. I still worry about my Children. I worry that they will be left in the hands of a Step Mother who does not care much about them beyond the child support cheque that her husband should be sending out to them but doesn't. Maybe they will get carted off to Grand parents who love them so but Old age will not let them do for them what they would have loved to.
I worry that I will not be here when Micah shows off his girlfriend. Or that I will not see the day my daughters get their own babies.
I still worry about all that- but I am tired.

I used to look forward to dawn- now I look forward to dusk. When the day breaks, I mumble words with my little ones. Words that should bring hope and sunshine to our hearts..

This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad

But Gladness eludes me. Because with the day comes the constant reminder that I am nothing to myself. I might be something to others, but nothing to myself. I have failed myself to a point that I can't recognize my own reflection in the water (mirrors are scary)
And I am tired.

Tonight, I will go to sleep with the hope that either this conundrum that has become my life comes to an end or gets cleared.
Guess this is my #SOS or simply paranoia. Or maybe just my usual drama. We'll never know.

Appreciating Me.

2015-02-18T13:40:00.002+03:00

~~The title to this post sounds a bit vain~~... We've often been told never to blow our own trumpets and everything that has self appreciation in it is usually frowned at.
However, today I will take a moment and appreciate myself. Below is why:

The last two days have seen me play nurse, mother, mentor, chef, farmer, friend, disciplinarian, Logistics officer, technician and Person. I came home Saturday evening to a house full of worried kids-their care taker was crying her heart out. For a moment, I forgot about the bag of #Hershey's Kisses that needed to be placed in the fridge and everything else and jumped into her bed. Rubbed her back, held her close and talked until the sobs stopped and we could get the story out.
My children were shocked. They had never in their wildest imaginations thought that 1. Aunt Martha cries or 2. Mummy would be holding their Aunt Martha like she does them. But we all took it in stride and have not yet brought it back for discussion.
Martha was down with a bug or something- (a trip to the doctor told us she had developed an Ulcer and had a moderate case of #Angina<<<whatever that is).. That meant everything was on me now and Office for the next few days was off my to do list.

Taking care of others has never been a problem of mine. Matter of fact it comes so easy I could do it everyday of my life and never demand pay. However, up to until the last 60 hours, I have been used to having my charges listen to me. When I issue a command, it is usually carried out without much hesitation (save for when it involves eating green vegetables).
But Martha chose this session of my life to be the time my patience is tried. She made up her mind to start crying every so often and did not want to take her medicines. The Doctors (two doctors and a nurse) kindly requested me to take her to Mulago because they were treating her based on the results from the run tests but she couldn't stop crying and didn't want to talk further. I got very close to bundling her up on a bus and sending her to her parents but the parent in me begged for me to grin and bear it. She is somebody's baby. Could as well have been my baby.

My other adult housemate marveled at the efficiency with which things around the house moved. Meals were served on time, Mushrooms watered religiously and I was the last person to go to bed yet I was the first to wake up. The little ones had school waiting for them. Bed time stories too got read out!

I didn't take a moment to enjoy my chocolate but I will take time to pat myself on the back for two days well spent.
This morning as I saw my three little ones off to wherever, Two to school and the thirds to #BSF (Bible Study Fellowship)... I kind of missed the hustle and bustle of the last two days. It was exhausting but fulfilling. We learned how to write the word "Sun, moon and pot" without referring to the alphabet charts.

Christa learned how to prepare kaunga. (Awesomeness just).

Kato, spent time in the sun with the rest of the house members...

Micah assumed the role of defender for his sisters. Dude insisted on escorting them to do their assigned chores!

And I, Mummy remained favorite member of that house.

water.

Martha? she will get well.

So, here goes my appreciation note:

Dear Me,

You have done great these past 70 hours. Thank you.

Me.

PS: Valentine's day was awesome. I spent time with a group of nice people and Chimpanzees. Not sure who/what was greater company. The chimps or humans. But wait, Humans are apparently 98.7% chimps... so yeah.. we were fine and happy.

An open letter to you, Taata w'abaana

2015-02-11T08:16:00.000+03:00

Dear Father of my Children,

I will believe you are doing well. It is not assumption because you said so yourself. "I have learned to live with and love my demons". I am happy for you.

It has been a while since you and I talked but its sad to see that not much, in fact, nothing has changed about our view of specific ideas. But then again the collection of 'things' said to each other increased some last night.

See, you kept away from us on grounds that you were tired and done with all my crap. What crap? I do not know. Whenever I can, I ask myself what kind of crap I served you that made you go back on the promises you made to the Children. Promises to take them places, buy them things and all that. And for a reason I fail to see, it is my fault that you will not care if the children you fathered have shoes on their little feet or a drink of water.

You and I did fall out when we did-that is okay. We each went on to find other people with whom to share whatever other aspects of our lives. However, The Children remain between you and I. Neither of us will find another person to biologically re-parent them. However much we love the new people in our lives, they will never have our children's DNA. We will have other Babies from our new relationships but they can't replace these ones.

So, dear Taata w'abaana, when you withhold school fees for the children just because we failed to agree to a school to which they should go, yes, I do hurt. But its your own blood and flesh too. You punish your flesh. Fine, foot their medical bill if you will not foot the education. And no, it's not that you do not have it, but just because you believe you are punishing my big headedness. I will cry it out, work and beg until I find the needed money. I will.
Upto until now, I believed in 'they are my children as much as they are his'. So, if he will not support them, I will assume he died and do this on my own. However, after last night's phonecall, that thought changed a bit. You mentioned something about me brainwashing your children. Cultivating hate for you.
My dear supposed to be co-parent, I have little to no strength for that. Never did, never would. 95% of their little lives' have been taken care of by me but I always told them "Daddy bought you this". To them you are the best Dad. Take for instance the youngest one, he talks more Daddy than the other two, do you think he has read a book about you? Well, I make it a point to tell him about you. He will never know that his mother walked to the labor ward at 5a.m in the rain whilst his father had a car parked in his compund. Or that she had to beg friends to pick her up from hospital after he'd been delivered while the father got chaufferred to his home that evening.He will not remember how jis mother laced his drinking water with a drop of jik in a bid to get rid of a persistent diarrhea while his father paid for another bigger rental. (Well, Cholera patients were treated with jik not so many years ago).

So, Ssebo, next time you feel like blaming me for keeping you away from our children, think about the list of promises that you have not yet fulfilled. They have to live through a life of no milk and they know Mummy does not have enough money to pay for the milk anymore. At their tender age, before they ask for a banana they first ask if Mummy has some money. Statements like "Mummy, when you get money, will you buy for us some bread?" Kill me every time they come. And they patiently wait until we can afford it. They never nag over things they dont have even if all their playmates have.

School started and much as they do not have all they would need, they will be fine. You mentioned something about your father not being well and you had to collectively contribute to his medical bill. I pray he gets well. I also pray these children someday collectively do this for you in your old age.

Dear Taata w'abaana, its not me you are punishing by withholding support. It's them. One day, they will get used to going to school without shoes on their feet and it will be normal. When the time you are hoping for does come round, I wish you the best of happiness.
Maama Baby.

Today was the day

2015-02-01T17:47:00.000+03:00

Last week, my love for being helpful found me staring at an office notice board. There was a nicely put piece about everyday being the first day of the rest of your life, so ... whatever. (I hardly remember what the rest of it said.)
But I do remember that today was is the day, my future starts.

And I do not know what it holds but today is that day that I change my attitude towards work and my boss.

I will work on that for the rest of the night. Tomorrow will be another start of my new life as and if it comes by.

January 2015- a recap

2015-01-29T09:49:00.001+03:00

The last time I posted a memoir was in error. One that got me panicked so bad I pulled down the whole blog. My intention was never to hurt anyone or scandalize anybody for that matter.

I decided (was forced to decide) not to write down anything. Not that nothing was happening wherever I have been, a lot has indeed been happening but for the love of reading, I didn't feel the urge to write. Always had one excuse or another. I told myself, when I get a new laptop and phone I will start writing- that I did and still could not even write a Haiku.

January has been a beautiful month and as equally dull. I found myself addicted to Candy Crush there was little else I could think of. Candy Crush has been my cigarette, my coffee, my pillow and my teddy bear when I needed to let something out. Ah, that and a non-friend of mine to whom I had become so addicted to talking to, they seemed to be my other Candy Crush. Well, until they decided to push me out of their lives. But anyway, that is not news. I seem to not know how to keep a relationship (platonic or other) for long. Apart from with Candy Crush.

Away from my personal addictions and failures, I learned a few things about myself. No matter how much I pretend not to care about the world, I can not afford not to care.
Take for instance two nights ago. I was busy watching Smallville (another addiction)- a scene where Lana was asking Lex for a favor that was sure to hurt Clark. So yeah, I was busy getting busy with the fantasy world of Smallville when I heard a little voice calling out to a Jajja. At first, I thought it was one of my own, but I'd tucked those into bed an hour before and I was sure they were already dreaming about using their new shoes and school bags already. But I went and checked on them, just to be sure.

The voice kept calling out-So I opened my window and there at my neighbor's house porch was a boy not older than my own 4 year old Lexi. He was calling out but the person who was in inside was playing loud music I doubt they could hear a thing. Instinctively, I turned off the TV, and walked out of the house to go help the young man knock at the door. By the time I got out, he had gone round the house to knock at the back door. I waited just to be sure. A minute or so later, I saw him emerge from the shadows and he was talking out loud to himself about what he should do and where he should pass when going back to where he had come from.

My heart broke. I walked to him from my shadows - Now, there is a hedge at my house so my emerging from the 'bushes' scared him so bad, he screamed so loud but still the person inside the house could not hear his screams. When he recognized me as Mama Taira, he ran towards me. The mother in me couldn't stop crying as I held his small frame until his heartbeat normalized. Together, we knocked at the Jajja's door until he opened. For some reason, I expected a frail looking Jajja but it was a young vibrant Jajja with a towel wrapped around his waist. Munching loudly while talking to us.

He couldn't believe the young man was scared of walking back to the bar where his mother and Grandmother were working. He closed the door to our faces when the boy told him he'd put his drinking water at the back door! And I wanted to punch this old man right there. I wish I had punched him.

So, I asked the young man where the bar was and why he couldn't stay with Jajja- little man says, they sleep at the bar with his Mom and he was going to start school soon because he had made enough money serving at the bar. His father? "I don't know where he is, maybe he is in the village"
I walked him to this bar and dude! it's quite some distance. With rowdy motorbike riders, drunkards and prostitutes I was scared for myself as I walked back home. It was an 8 minute walk from home to the bar and 8 minutes back!

I was angry. I am angry. Angry at myself for not noticing that I had new neighbors who have a little boy. A boy who has to be in bed by 9 pm and not walking the streets, hungry and cold to deliver drinking water to his grandfather who does not care much about his little life.

The little boy knew me enough to trust me but I didn't know him before that night. I asked him to never hesitate to come knock at my door if ever he was scared of the road. I pray and hope he comes. One of these days, when I''m home before the bar opens, I intend to talk to the Mother and ask her to let him spend the evenings at my house. I know it might not be right but he is just a baby. Needs to get his baby sleep on.

Apart from the Candy crush, Smallville and misunderstood relationships, Life has happened. Some moments good, some bad others bland. And still, I will crush my Candy.

Happy new year folks.

2014-the rundown (1)

2014-12-09T18:13:00.000+03:00

The year is nearly over.. And yes, I am going with the flow. Getting all sentimental and making all those wishes which I am very sure I will break before December 31 comes by. But oh well, the emotions are just right for this kind of thing.
Emotions? Yes, it's that time of the month where my hormones send me on an emotional seesaw. Am torn between staying happy or angry at everything that is failing to go right.
It would not be so hard on me if the cramps were less painful. But, I have to contend with these excruciating abdominal cramps and a mood that just won't make up it's mind. Another thing that is not helping is all my 'special' friends seem to have given up on me. I have to be strong for me today. I know I have to-let me see if reminiscing about the year will make my mood lighter.

I remember this season with half a smile. Okay, the other half of the smile is on the inside. It was a nice time for me. Carefree to say the least. I lived like there was nothing in the world holding me back. Looking back at that period, I am inclined to think I was smoking some strange tobacco or other.

No Title

2014-12-07T13:37:00.000+03:00

Nobody’s memory is perfect or complete. We jumble things up, loose track of time. Here in one place then another and it all feels like one long, inescapable moment. I know that because every time I have something to write about- I end up writing about five different things and confuse not only myself but almost everyone within a five mile reading radius.
It is never my intention however to tell seven different stories within one- I am not generous by design just by circumstance (at least I'd like to think so about myself).

It has been a year of things going wrong- feels like the gods chose this year to be the one year I achieve so much then lose almost all of it within the same year. What I did wrong, I can't exactly tell. But I keep telling myself, I could be paying for all the sins that have been put against my name from the day I got here. Hold that thought, aren't those sins supposed to have been cleared the moment I went on my knees to say, "Dear Lord, forgive me for all my trespasses....."
Well, if my sins were forgiven and cleared, then I do not know what to chalk my losses up to.

But, losses and all, the year still is coming to an end and I am not sure if I am ready for the whole start over thing. The resolution making, swearing and promising- then less than a month later, fall back to the familiar pattern. Go back to that abusive friend, forget to say bedtime prayers, drop the morning exercise routine, fall back into un-healthy eating and on the list goes.

In short, I hate the hullabaloo that comes with new year, new month, new job, new things... apart from the excitement of new baby. Thinking new babies, (insert short prayer for all laboring mothers) I believe I have found a cure for my baby crave. I pray and hope it will work. (no, I didn't pray but it feels like the right thing to say). As soon as I can sit up long enough to finish this other plan- I believe I will well be on my way to baby crave cure.

Cheers to baby crave cure.

When one door closes........(The Power of Right now)

2014-11-18T08:49:00.000+03:00

Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. This principle, called conservation of energy, is one of our most cherished laws of physics. It governs every part of our lives: the heat it takes to warm up a cup of coffee; the chemical reactions that produce oxygen in the leaves of trees; the orbit of Earth around the sun; the food we need to keep our hearts beating. We cannot live without eating, cars do not run without fuel, and perpetual-motion machines are just a mirage. So when an experiment seems to violate the law of energy conservation, we are rightfully suspicious. What happens when our observations seem to contradict one of science’s most deeply held notions: that energy is always conserved?

This is bound to become another draft that sits on my list until I tap delete. I started out yesterday with a lot of inspiration and had all these words and ideas flowing. But just as I maximized my page to write, the phone rung and School needed me thirty minutes before they called. My little one was burning up. Attempts at wiping her down were proving futile as each rag dried within seconds of it being placed on her body.

So I run, and with it my motivation. With it, my apology to a person with whom i've been at loggerheads for weeks. With it- my smile for the day, yesterday.
Today is here and am grateful for it. I thank the Lord God Almighty for it- I will rejoice and be glad indeed.

And I will post this as is. No more drafts on my list. It's a process. One day, I will hit perfection.

Cheers

Now I know

2014-10-20T17:32:00.000+03:00

Once when I was sixteen years of age, I landed on a cassette with Miriam Makeba's music. Didn't know what that album was but I sang along to 17 of the 18 songs on that cassette like my life depended on it. My Grand parents had no option but to love the music on it- Yes, they'd bought it on one of their trips to South Africa but had never really "felt" the music.

Years later, am sitting at my desk, listening to the same music and wishing I would feel sixteen again. The Album is called Folk Songs from Africa. Beautiful music, but the again when did she ever disappoint?

At sixteen, I honestly didn't what I wanted from Life. I lived for the day. Well, most times, I lived for the next book my Grandpa had found me or the next song that was trending on the airwaves.

I didn't know why girls in my class were so wound up about who was seen talking to "their boy". I didn't know why so much fuss was created about a baby being born to the family. I didn't know why my guardians were sometimes hard on us. Why they sometimes came home with long faces.... I didn't know.

Then one day am not sixteen anymore but eighteen and our small living room is filled with people. Strange faces, save for my Grandma's face. She answered my questioning expression with "He was her friend".

He was her friend.

That was the way I was told that my Grandpa had passed on to the next life. With him had gone all my naughtiness. That marked the end of my waking up to a new book and another song on the radio. Or a new recipe that wasn't really new but oh well, we tried cooking tomatoes before adding onions and oil. With my friend. So, I grew up and learned how to account for some of my mistakes -my way. But my friend left before he had taught me about heartbreaks, sleepless nights and boys.

I still don't know much about those three things but I know a bit about smiling. I know how to smile with my face and not my heart. I know about Friends who will stick with you no matter what they are going through.
I know about Friends who will go hungry on your behalf. I know about Friends who will uphold your honor at the expense of their own. I know about Friends who wish for others to smile with their hearts.

Oh, I've also learned a thing or two about forgiveness. I know that we don't forgive so that the person who wronged us feels better but that we feel better. To this day, hatred is something that I find hard to latch onto. Anger has a way of holding our productivity and peace ransom. A ransom that is so hefty it could cost one their life. So, I learned to let things go. Been called a fool for letting people walk all over my heart and life, letting people take me for granted but there is peace in letting things go. A peace that I can equate to the best sunrise you have ever seen. A peace that is calmer than that silence that comes after a terrible storm. Forgiving and letting go is for one's self good and not the other party. So I also learned how to forgive.

Just as I learned how to forgive, I also learned how to give. I give because am given. I also give because I give. Because I've been in need before, need that left me wondering if life was worth going through anymore. Not that am not in need anymore, am sure that person whose message box is full of "Mpayo omutwalo" (Give me ten thousand shillings) knows about my needs. But I've been in worse situations and when I was there, I received. So I give. Whenever I have, whenever I can. Whenever.

Alright, can't find a perfect sign off. am I supposed to sign off?

cheers.

AM tired Mama, am tired.

2014-10-16T17:47:00.000+03:00

My 21 days' journey is coming to an end in less than 24 hours!!! Hooray!
I've learnt a lot or rather re-learned quite some.
That is not why I find myself exhausted though.
Mama, I will not whine about what you never told me regarding adulthood.

See, it has been more than a fortnight of me not writing anything. It's not that I've been in limbo, no. I have lived through many moments I would have loved to share with you here but I couldn't. I couldn't breathe Mama, i've been choking on the very air that has been keeping me going. #Sigh

There are all these expectations around me that make me want to escape to a not known place. Don't get me wrong, am not complaining about motherhood. That is just about the only fulfilling responsibility in my stance right now.
But, I've made the acquaintance of people. Some good. Really good people who have put me as priority in my time of need.

Others came to my space to use me a sample for whatever relational experimental projects they had running in their lives. Take for instance a couple of friends who at one time nick named me "The Communicator". What hurts most is I thought these two were the best thing that had come my way since I became a mother. The chemistry was right. I put them somewhere up there close to my own blood relations. I loved these two in the only way I knew how. Confided in them at the slightest provocation. I didn't know what holding back was when it came to these two.
But, in all that giving, I didn't stop to think or see that I was simply a pawn. Being pushed around for their own miscommunication or creation for pillow talk. When I stop to think about the times I should have seen what was going on, I wish I could kick myself over and over again. I am ashamed of myself for being so gullible.
Both were so clever, they always noticed when I was slipping away and would then feed me a few morsels off their table which kept me around some more. Like a dog, I kept to this Triangle. Until, I couldn't. It shattered me. The day it finally hit that I was just a pawn. That day. It shattered me.

Well, it will be a while before I recover from that abuse but wherever these two are, I pray they don't use another. I pray they find a way of being human.

Mama, and then there is an annoying crop of parent, that believes Children will be raised through an email. How do I tell them that my email parenting application crashed? How do I say, that the last email attachment I received has flourished into a nice little handsome two year old boy who stops to ask me why am crying. And he will say Sorry Mummy even though I haven't given him an answer. How do I tell them, these previously email attachments have turned into real people with emotions? How do I say, "my email does not work anymore"?

Furthermore, Mama, there are those other people who think am either a clown or their gateway to entertainment. There are these Social Media networks and am sad to say that I've been held ransom by my followers.
They will come accusing me of a "wrong comment" i wrote somewhere! Or whatever! Thing is, thought I had a right to write what I want to. Oh! There is a particular one who thinks am plastic on social media and should just quit it all together. Atti, everything I do is for show. The charity runs I engage in are for some sort of showing off or gloating or something! It saddens me that the one person who claims to have your back is the same one who will not hesitate to move a knife through your smiling heart.

Mother, I don't know. I wish I could get on the road and drive around for days on end. Stopping to eat, pee and bathe. I've stocked up on music I would listen to on my journey. Got me some Norman Brown, Dave Koz, Elvis Presley, Evanscence (sp), Micheal Bublè, Michael Kitanda, some Charmant. Lots of Bachata, Meringue and Salsa tunes. Am sure if I could drive around, I would forget some of these things. But I can't drive around just yet. However, we'll keep dancing in our little house with my little people.
Little people who believe Mummy is Mummy. Mummy is not showing off. Mummy punishes them when they are wrong and that does not make them want to leave home for boarding school.

I will stay with my little humans.

I hope all is good in that world you live in now. One day, we might just meet up.

Shea Butter and Memories~Grateful

2014-09-30T05:02:00.000+03:00

Timecheck: 04:06hrs. Even the frogs are quiet. An occasional vehicle sound is heard every few minutes-no hoots just a moving vehicle. I've been awake for an hour or so yet I slept slightly after midnight. Eh! This should not turn into a habit! No, it shouldn't.

Today is day 2 of 21 days of Me. But it's not over yet and I therefore don't want to talk about it~that would be premature.

Last evening however, I got home to a house full of needs and aches, it hurt.
Meet Didi, my 24 year old Autistic Cousin. His is a severe case of Autism we actually have to give him his bath and most times it takes him 2 hours or more to walk from the Dining table to the bathroom which is about 10 (ten) baby steps away. He is Special to me. Very special.
So, I came home to find Didi sweating 3 steps away from the bathroom door and my househelp seemed overwhelmed. I had to take over but not before she told me the water guys had been here and there was no water running from the taps anymore!! God! I'd payed my bills just earlier that morning! In my stupor, i walked to a light switch and flipped it just to be sure it was not a candle providing light! Well, called the water people and was assured it was a general supply problem which would be resolved by day break. Okay.

Back to cajoling Didi into getting into the bathroom.
Meet Micah, he is currently the Youngest Youngling in the house. When I left in the morning, he was a bit warm. When I came back, there was a mini box full of little medicine bottles! Arrrrrrgh! So, here I am asking Didi to make a step, checking out medicines, asking about dosages administered, hearing about the events at school from the two girls that you have not yet met, dying to pee and needing to rush to Micah's bed...oh! "have tommorrow's uniforms been laid out yet?"
Eventually, everything fell in place. Everyone went to bed. All bathed and fed and their stories heard and medicines administered and my feet aching and I have not yet Pee'd!!!!! Wait, I thought it would be all about working on paying the bills! Now, I even have to hold off going to the loo for hours on end! Eh! #sigh

Fast forward to a quiet house and my bathroom. Yes! Bathroom. If I could, I would stay in my bathroom longer. There is a fragrance that sends me to a time that saw me fall in love with Shea Butter. There was this one time I went visiting and my host had a whole array of Forever Sunshine bathroom things. I fell in love with the Shea Butter. I swear it was love at first inhale. I remember my host coming to check on me every so often because I was not leaving the bathroom! Ah! That whole visit was magical just! I look back at it and wish we could do it over and over again!
The whole night and next day was bliss personified.

I want to find this in Kampala

So, when I came back home from my blissful visit, I set out on finding those products but couldn't find them anywhere. (meanwhile, if you know where I can find Forever Sunshine products in Kampala, please let me know).
Well, I opted for something close and affordable- Baby Ballet~Shea Butter. Last night, I pulled out my last tablet of it (need to re-stock) and boy did I love my bathroom time of what!
So, here I am, my alarm clock is set to go off in a few minutes, am starting to feel sleepy but I know that if I did that, then the whole morning would be ruined. Do not want to rush through it and I promised myself to have breakfast today. I refuse to go through another day on just half a biscuit and two hard boiled sweets! That I refuse.
Today, there is another meeting at my place of work. #Sigh
There is that call to the Grand Mothers, have to read up on some materials regarding adoption...
They are awake!!! Even before the alarm clock goes off!!! Oh boy!

Good morning.

Dear God, hold my hand today. Today is the day You have made. Let me rejoice and be glad in it.Give me the grace to accept the Things I can not change.
Thank you Father for your never ending mercies that are new to me Every morning. Lord, Reach Your Mighty healing Hand to everyone who has a pain/ache and/or disease. Father, heal the broken hearts as only You know how. Be the solace for the homeless, be the comfort for the hopeless. Give us Grace to accept your Grace.
Lord, May your will be done today.In Jesus' Name I pray,
Amen

21 days of Me.

2014-09-29T17:46:00.000+03:00

Today started me on a twenty one day journey where I will be the Head of a household and an entire family. No, not today- Flag off was Yesterday evening but First day on the job was today.<< scratch that

Take Two: This morning, Reality finally hit home that for the next 21 days I will have children, grand children, aunts and uncles- neighbors too on my case. "But you have always done this Momo"
Yes, I have. But not to this level, a few things were conveniently not mine to think about. I had mastered the art of looking the other way when some of the above mentioned members surfaced.

"So, what happened? How come you are in the driving seat now?"
Well, my Partner in Action has gone a-mothering. And now, I am here. It has been three years since I slept in a house where I was the only adult.

Last evening, I flagged her off and for the first time in very many years I saw a Woman who needed me. A Woman who seeks love just like she gives it. I wished she were going away on holiday. I wished and wished because when all is said and done, she needs a holiday this Partner of mine.
am talking about my Back Up, My Dad, my Mother, Grand mother to my children, Landlord and new found friend- My Aunt. I've been so caught up in my own drama I forgot to love her.
With all that sentimentalism floating around in my heart, I was sure I would handle this.

Sya! all I have to do is place a call to the Jajja's every so often. Yell at the kids and threaten them with no cake when Jajja comes back, Get Didi out of bed for his morning bath, threaten the maid and all would be done.

Ha Ha Ha

That was last night. This morning however, it was a different story. First thought that crossed my mind was the Utility bills I'd put off paying until next month! Then it hit me that in the event these guys came round before next month did, we would be disconnected as there would be no one to place that emergency call! Out came the phone and Glory glory, Mobile money was working! Boof! there went the Ka contribution towards getting my passport back!

By the Time 6 a.m came by, I was mentally tired.

Children were ready for school, Didi was bathed, Micah had gotten his medicine and instructions had been issued, Other babies were bathed, dressed and put back to bed. Dinner was planned.
More instructions issued out. 6:50 a.m! and I was not yet dressed. #sigh
Well, I got ready for work by 7:00 A.m and managed half a biscuit- Handed the other half to Didi!
Wait, it's 17:30 and all I've had today was that half biscuit!!

All in all, the day has been today. It's gone by. It's a wonder I managed to the best presentation at an office meeting this afternoon. When all I was thinking about was my other little girl who is out of school yet her exam is in a month's time.
And oh! I still think about adopting another child. Yes, I am going to have another baby.
Overwhelmed! Yes I am, but I have space for one more. Even many more.

Day two will be a bit better. I hope it is better.
As I head home, I think about the un-done, un-resolved emotionally draining relationships that still hang in balance. And that call to the Jajjas.

But, if we live through tonight, we'll do this again tomorrow.
Goodnight Mauryn.

PS: When was the last time you did something for someone else?
When was the last time you went out of your way to make another's life easier?
When did you last donate blood? When did you last share your meal?

Things Changed Mama~Catchup

2014-09-14T13:27:00.000+03:00

Dear Mama, it's rather awkward opening this letter to you. See, I would like to say "I hope you are doing well" but then that does not sound right at all. It's been many years now. However, I will tell you that I am okay.

Last evening I passed by what used to be your work place. I remember the day you took me to have my tooth extracted then you bought me Schweppes- just like it happened yesterday. That was the only day I came by your workplace. Well, the building is still standing but Coffee Marketing Board is no longer in existence. We have been running after your retirement benefits for a long time now but there seems to be nothing coming through. However, still we push on.

Meanwhile, since you've been gone, so much has changed. If you were to come back right now, believe me you'd need a tour guide and strength to read through so many manuals.

Not so long ago, a man murdered his girlfriend in cold blood. Imagine this, she was in a 1.5m by 1.5m or thereabouts sized bathroom and he thought she was an intruder. So, first thing, before calling Police or screaming for the neighbors, he picked up his gun, wore his legs and fired four bullets through the door!! FOUR BULLETS!! Wasn't that a bit too much? However, a female judge failed to find him guilty of murder! Imagine that. He got a way with a simple massage on the wrists... Verdict was- not guilty of murder on all counts. Guilty of culpable homicide.

I was quite too anguished to ask #Google what culpable homicide was. so, I let it at that. The Law that delivered that verdict was kind of saying that it is okay for one to kill another and get away with it.

Now, I know I got away with a few things where you were concerned. You left when I was only but a child but a few memories are still loud inside my head. I remember the one room we shared a year before we separated. As of 2013, it was still standing by the way. I remember you favoring me when it came to time for meting out punishments. I remember quite some.

When you left, I was angry at you for leaving me. Seeing as we had un-finished business. I had so many questions to ask. So many questions about growing up. About my paternal heritage- the answers everyone else gave me were not satisfactory so, I still had questions to ask.

Years on, my stand has changed. I can actually hear many of the answers to the questions I wanted to ask. Life is giving me answers. I look back at our short-lived time together and I wish I could say sorry. Wish we could have tea sometime.

Meanwhile, you would be proud of your grand children. Believe you me you would. Currently, there is a whole six of them!! Six Grandchildren. Two smart little boys and Four lovely Young Girls.

Alright Mama, a small gadget called a Mobile phone was introduced. I hadn't heard of it by the time you left, and am sure if it were there, you could have had it. This mobile phone keeps evolving and recently evolved into something called #IPhone6. Ha!!! The cost alone makes me draw up a shopping list that would send my little ones to kid heaven and back time and again.
I will not say I want to afford it. No, I will not work towards buying an Iphone, but will wish the holders of it well.
I however wonder if when 'Flight mode' of #Iphone6 is activated the owner can actually get on a plane to a location of their desire!! I wonder.

Also, TV is not as boring as it used to be. No, it was not boring back then but still fades in comparison to today's TV. You know, when am unhappy- read going through an emotional phase (read that estrogen phase before the messes).. and I don't want to take it out on my loved ones- I watch TV. For this month's phase, I watched Jack Bauer. He's always a tough cookie but the last scenes of the final episode of Live another Day, made me cry. Now, I had never had an emotional breakdown while watching Jack but this time round I did.

It must be the hormonal overload doing that to me. So, when 24, Live another day was done, and the emotions were still raging, I made a phone call. One I believe I will regret for a long time.

Will tell you about how the Relationships landscape has changed since you have been gone. That will be for later. As of now, I have another phone call I want to make. Will also tell you about that one next time.

Till then Mama,

Mauryn

Sleep Sleep Go away

2014-09-10T16:12:00.000+03:00

Ever been somewhere and all you can think about is Sleep? Good old, mind consuming, snore (and others) inducing sleep? Well, happened to me today.

Normally, afternoons are not exactly my most productive parts of my day but they are most alert times of the day (Something sounds grammatically wrong with this line).. But yeah, by 14:00 hours am as alert as a mother hen who has sensed a kite flying around her little ones. However, today was just wrong. Nothing worked out the way it usually does- So, I slept. I sleep talked, sleep thought, sleep went to the bathroom and everything sleep.

This is how it started out. A boss chose today to be the day he lays off one of his employees! Today of all days. Okay, that was my problem but there was nothing I could do about it. So, powerless as I was, I chose to go find food.
Yes, I stress eat. With every morsel of food down my throat, I kind of forget about the issue at hand. Be it a heartbreak, job loss, sick child- or someone taking me for granted... I eat it all away. Do I love my food or do I love my food.

So, off to food hunting I went. Found an eatery that didn't look so bad and ate all I could eat for Uganda Shillings Three Thousand. Approximately one dollar and a few cents! Cleared my plate and if time could have indulged me, I might have gone for a second plate. Yes, things are that bad. Maybe, it's more than a friend losing their job, maybe deep down there is something else eating me up. I know there is something else eating me up beyond today's occurrence. But I hope a few more pounds from today, I will have walked away from whatever is bothering me.

After that meal, I made my way humbly and very quietly back to my workstation. And then All sleep hell broke loose!! Aiya!! Tried watching a Jack Bauer episode but wa!!! Walked out of the office room, sat somewhere at the veranda and not even the sounds of a random village woman thumping a little child could keep me awake. In fact, I thought I was dreaming the sounds!! Woman kept telling the young girl she would beat them while she was actually beating her up. In my sleep, I could feel the punches like as if they were on me. But still I slept!

Walked back to my work desk and still slept. Tried out Social media-eh!!!

So, here I am. Telling you about my sleepy afternoon. With twenty seven minutes to head home, i still want to sleep.

Sleep sleep go away, come again in few hours- When the whole world has gone to sleep.

Cheers my friends.

Sleepy Mo.

Memory Dump!

2014-09-02T13:36:00.000+03:00

New month is upon us, I believe all time zones should have congregated to the new month of September by now. Well, if anybody hasn't yet, they soon will. It's Day two already!

This morning, I woke up with a determination to do something different. Leave my bed without the alarm going off twice, get to work on time, and everything else that I failed to do last month.
Well, I tried my best. I got to work five minutes before the official clock-in.... #Drums

So, it is a new month, huh? New things should be coming in leaps, right? Right. aah! Did I hear a "Happy new month?" Nah, not yet. But I did hear about a break up. Yes!! A couple did break up this morning. But then again, who does that? Who breaks up at the start of a month? Especially since School is just starting and the weather is so wrong for a single lifer. How will the bills get paid? Who really does break up with their lover just like that? With a reason as fickle as she forgot to wish his Mother a Happy Birthday!!! Arrrrgh!!!

Well, if you've managed to stay with me this far, you'll notice that my system seems to be crushing. My Tech Friends have a phrase "Memory Dump"

Memory dump primarily identifies a problem or error within the operating system or any installed application within the system. Typically, memory dump provides information about the last state of the programs, applications and system before they were terminated or crashed. This information consists of memory locations, program counters, program state and other related details. It is displayed on-screen and also creates a system log file for viewing/referencing later. After memory dump, the computer is generally unavailable or inaccessible until it’s rebooted. Memory dump can also be caused by memory leak, when the system is out of memory and can no longer continue its operations.

Sad to day but I am kind of experiencing a dump. No, no no. Not that other one, but the one similar to the above excerpt. The month of August came and went without a single post from me not that my fingers were gone but my mind was unavailable. It had been dumped.

But a few things happened. A few nice things that make me smile when I think about them.
Month started out quite well, I have a ten day holiday!!! and oh, that was the start of my stagnation.

Just as I was planning an all crazy night out (think drinking binge) catastrophe came hurtling. But with the bad news came a great trip to nowhere.

Drove to a land far away. A very beautiful land I may add.

Still within the same August, schools chose to close and that meant longer hours playing everything a mother can be under the sun.

August still, came with a realization that i was as human as the next person or as the last person who was buried a few minutes ago. I am here just for a while and very soon, I will also be gone. Written off. And I will have R.I.P as the an addition to my name.

August, Oh August... family trials not withstanding, it came to an end.

so many months have come and go but August is one month I will not miss. I do not think I will for a moment sit back and say.. "Oh, that was a good month" . No, August 2014, was a wrong month.

If I could, I would have slept my way through it. I Would have hit the fast forward button all the way to September 19, 2014- When my son turns two, sleep again and wake up at Christmas.

Christmas. I love Christmas, and when am done dumping my mind all over this post, I will go back and dream about Christmas.

But for now, I will go back to making calls to my Middle East Clients... maybe just maybe, I'll be on an airbus to one Middle East Destination soon.

You Stole from me

2014-09-01T23:06:00.000+03:00

Dear Friend,
I do not hope you are doing well at all. I am not usually a hateful person but something about the memory of you brings out all the hate in me.
See, you and I were close. You knew my dinner plans two days ahead. You reminded me to burp my little one after a feed, you reminded me to check on the cake baking in the oven. You were with me.
Physically apart we were but the thousands of miles and difference in time zones didnot matter. In an era where whatsapp messenger, viber and all the messenger clan members were not yet born..we managed to keep in touch every minute of everyday.
In you I found a friend, confidante and everyone warm and fluffy. Not even the man with whom I shared my bed, body and baby could elicit a smile as wide as the one that flashed whenever my phone vibrated.
#Sigh
You were my sister, brother, best friend and my Me.
So, the day you called to tell me you'd be in town for a three day training was no doubt a happy one for me. I knew we were not going to paint each other's nails or try out each other's petticoats but I had envisaged a fruitful meeting. One where we'd talk personal development. Maybe you telling me about The girl in your life, the one with whom you'd been having problems.
I prepared the evening meal at mine in haste so as to be at your hotel in time for us to catch up and me to get back home before my housemates came home. I carried my little one and off to Your Plush hotel room we trudged.
Little did I know that you had "other plans" for me.
Other plans
Plans that saw my daughter cry herself coarse while you forced yourself on me. I asked you to stop but I doubt you heard my plea. Maybe you did but didnt care.
Tell me, did you feel a better man? Better than the one who was taking me for granted back at my house? All the time you and I had been talking, you seemed to be an understanding person. You understood why I hang in there even when my partner got physically abusive.
But that day, your understanding all disappeared in a haze. I hurt but I could not cry. My baby was crying for her and I. I prayed for her to keep quiet. I prayed that you'd climax and get off me. I prayed that that Thursday would be erased from memory.
When you were done, you apologised, gave me money and left us in your hotel room.
You stole from me.
You stole my belief that no one has sex with another person if they are not in any sort of relationship.
You stole my special box where i kept my values for sex, love and marriage.
You took away my belief in Happily ever afters.
You robbed me of my will to forgive. You turned me against me. You Robbed me.
I took that money home, told my partner- my bad partner about what had happened.
He wept.
We wept.
I still weep. And I hope you are not doing well. Because you stole my goodwill.
Don't be fooled by the happy stories you hear about me, I don't know what happy is. I want to forgive you but that would mean forgiving myself. And I blame myself for trusting you.
My partner forgave me and maybe even forgave you. But I haven't.
You robbed me of my happy little girl. The one I had bubbling inside me.
I hope you are not well.

Are You The Right Person?

2014-07-22T18:00:00.000+03:00

Many a time we set standards in almost all areas of our lives. Standard Setting is very advisable.

Standard setting is the methodology used to define levels of achievement or proficiency and the cut-scores corresponding to those levels. A cut-score is simply the score that serves to classify the candidates whose score is below the cut-score into one level and the candidates whose score is at or above the cut-score into the next and higher level. Clearly, unless the cut-scores are appropriately set, the results of the assessment could come into question. For that reason, standard setting is a critical component of the test development process.

Take that up there and apply to day to day situations. We set standards for our friends, acquaintances. We selectively decide on who we allow on our friends' lists, even which relatives we visit or grow close to. (yes, there is such a thing as relatives we are not close to and others we don't like at all.)
Thing is, we expect people to level up and live up to the standards we have set. I'd like to think many a person asks themselves a question before they say yes to a friend request.. something like "are they the right person for the job?" Of course there is criterion that we all follow..but have you ever stopped and asked yourself if you are the right person for the job.
Instead of asking, if She is the right person for the job, ask yourself "Am I the right person for the job?"

I am running a fictitious story line about Siko, my Maid. Having a house help is one of the basic form of employer-employee setting. And maybe in my former life I was a worker bee, a house-help or simply someone who was in love with the so called lost causes but I get so unhappy when I see someone being punished or judged for their apparent shortcomings.

Alright, I'll take it a step higher, if someone on the team let's say accounting team does not know how to use a particular software- mark you- one of the latest- he is deemed incompetent. Before you do that, have you tried teaching them? Have you thought about the fact that this particular software was not on the market when they were in school? Or better still, can You, yes You Mr/Miss Judge your friends, can you use it? Or have you just heard about it?

Many times, we are inconsiderate to our employees or prospective employees, friends and other would have been additions to our lives.
Much as I am here advocating for the "Am I the right person for the Job?" phenomenon, I have many a time succumbed to that all human trait of judging others before I get to know them...

So, this my new year which kicked off today, will see me ask myself that question before I judge. However... perverts, porn vendors, outright stalkers, ex-lovers who create fake accounts and all those who assume that I am a nice person so they will take advantage of me- will remain under the judge them and cut them off before you give them a chance regime.

You could do the same thing, next time, you are about to yell at your house-help or your casual laborer, ask yourself that one question. Ask yourself if you have done everything to make this person better at their job. And besides, if this person was not there, would you do their job? Can you wake up at 5 a.m, get 5 children ready for school, get a husband and his wife ready for work, clean their house, do their laundry, make them dinner, go to bed at 1 a.m only to repeat the cycle at 5 a.m? Would you do that, Dear Woman who is claiming maids are bad people?

Do you ever take time to appreciate your casual laborer? Or do you just expect them to deliver all the time without any sort of appreciation or acknowledgement? Because many a human soul thrives on appreciation. Acknowledgement. We are vain like that. Many of us are.

So, that is if folks....but

Are you the right person for the job? Are you the Right friend? are you the Right lover? Are you the Right one?

Until then, thank you for all the birthday love i received today.

Truly,
Village Girl