The Rolling Maul

Super Rugby Tipping and Betting Guide 2012

2012-01-25T15:12:00.001+11:00

With the Rugby World Cup a long forgotten memory (especially if you're English or South African) it's on to Super Rugby 2012 and more chances for mug punters and tipsters to test their prowess against the experts and hopefully make a small fortune in the process (though not if you're betting a large fortune to start with). With that in mind, the Rolling Maul is proud to present its Tipping and Betting Guide for 2012 and finally answer that age old question, 'Who does have the worst hair in Super Rugby?'.

WESTERN FORCE

Toby Lynn - Comb not included

After scraping along the bottom of the table for much of 2011, a couple of late morale boosting wins promised rosy horizons for the Force in 2012. Then their only real playmakers James O'Connor signed with the Rebels and Willie Ripia was caught stealing from his teammates and was sacked. He'll now have to satisfy his gambling problem the good old fashioned way, by losing it betting on his former team.
2011 Position 12th
Worst Hair Toby Lynn
Free stuff on website A couple of crappy wallpapers otherwise "There are no current competitions. Check back again soon!"
Odds and Value At $41.00 could be worth a bet each way. Oh yeah, these are winning odds. Ignore.
Prediction 7th

CHEETAHS

Adriaan Strauss -
That 'just woke up' look
or just woke up?

The revelation of 2011, the Cheetahs put together some impressive performances against some truly unimpressive opposition (just ask the Waratahs) to at one-time threaten to make the semis. Then they fell apart and normal transmission resumed. 2012 promises no different, but probably without the impressive performances. It's hard to get any insights though from their website, it's mostly in Afrikaans.
2011 Position 11th
Worst Hair Adriaan Strauss
Free stuff on website Cheerleader profiles (always good - especially when they list their 'Favourite Party Plek' whatever that means) and the usual wallpapers, plus a competition "Hardloop voor die span uit saam met jou kind!" which Google translates as 'Run for the team with your child'. Odd recruitment system but hey, whatever works.
Odds and Value For $41.00 you may as well waste your money on the Force.
Prediction 7th

LIONS

Cobus Grobbelaar -
Worst haircut or no haircut?

The Lions won the Currie Cup and on the back of that shock betting agencies are predicting them not to come last in the Super Rugby. That's especially brave of them considering this statement front and centre on their website; "There is absolutely no truth in the media inferences that the Golden Lions Rugby Union is facing liquidation." Much like the reassurances given to the coach of a losing team, Lions supporters should be afraid.
2011 Position 14th
Worst Hair Cobus Grobelaar
Free stuff on website Nothing really - just the usual wallpaper and 'galleries'.
Odds and Value $34.00. Forget it.
Prediction 7th

REBELS

Adam Byrnes -
Just because you play for Russia
doesn't mean you need to
look like Rasputin

There's no victory like one that is bought. The Rebel's audacious swoops on James O'Connor and Kutley Beale will go down in either legend or infamy depending on results achieved during the year. If it pays off they will be celebrated the length and breadth of the one tiny corner of Melbourne that gives a stuff about Rugby. Lose, and no one will notice. A win-win really for Rod Macqueen and his team.
2011 Position Last
Worst Hair Adam Byrnes
Free stuff on website Nothing. Not even wallpaper.
Odds and Value $31.00 could seem good if Cipriani, Beale and O'Connor click. Unfortunately you might be better off just shouting them a drink at one of their favourite watering holes.
Prediction 7th

HURRICANES

Nick Crosswell -
One for fans of the Brady Bunch

The Hurricanes have a tendency to blow hot and cold, but at the end of the day do little damage and are largely forgotten. Being usually more breeze than gale force, it's no surprise therefore that The Rolling Maul can't find anything of interest on their website, or any insights into their likely plight for 2012. Mid-table finishes are their speciality, too low to get excited about and too high to fret over. Don't expect anything different this year.
2011 Position 9th
Worst Hair Nick Crosswell
Free stuff on website Wallpapers (of course), e-diary, videos (bad ones - the best sort), events and competitions (still to come alas), this site has it all for cheapskates.
Odds and Value At $31.00 even the bookies are looking at a mid-table finish. Only the truly bravehearted (and deluded) would dare go there.
Prediction 7th

BRUMBIES

Sam Carter -
Too young for the beard and
too old for the hair

The departure of Matt Giteau and Rocky Elsom from the Brumbies and the arrival of new coach Jake White has been designed to stimulate a new start for the club. The injection of fresh new blood can often lead to new ideas and an exuberance that older jaded colleagues may have lacked. But not always. The Brumbies are largely a team of no names. Come season's end and these no names may return to the obscurity from whence they came.
2011 Position 13th
Worst Hair Sam Carter
Free stuff on website The Fan Zone has links to a fantasy comp and a tipping comp. Supposedly these are the official Super Rugby comps so why is no other club linking to them? Also, the Brumbies Front-Rowers Union's reviews of local restaurants are worth the price of admission!
Odds and Value $26.00!!! Worst odds for a team of no-ones since New Zealand played a cricket test match against Australia in Hobart. Oh yeah that's right.
Prediction 7th

HIGHLANDERS
Dunedin, at the southern tip of New Zealand, about an hours drive north from Mawson's Hut if you built a six-lane highway between Antarctica and Dunedin, was always an intimidating place to play Rugby. Teams visiting the 'House of Pain' weren't worried about potential pain inflicted by the Highlanders but frostbite. Highlander home success was built on the sleet and slush of Antarctic gales. But now the 'House of Pain' is no more. The new indoor Carisbrook Stadium removes any home-ground advantage the Highlanders had. The Highlanders are now likely to struggle when they play at this new 'House of Pillows'.
2011 Position 8th

Kurt Baker -
Stop getting your Mum to cut your hair

James Paterson -
Bon Jovi would be proud with that 'do

Worst Hair Can't pick between Kurt Baker's spiky bowl designed by his mother and James Paterson's teen wolf.
Free stuff on website A photo gallery and that's it. A new website and new content is promised but don't hold your breath (or your hand out).
Odds and Value At $19.00 it'll be a cold day in hell (also known as Dunedin) before you get value betting on the Highlanders.
Prediction 7th

CHIEFS

Not SBW but Liam Messam -
Faux-hawks are so 2008

Sonny Bill-Williams. It's all you'll hear about the Chiefs this season, good or bad. So, just to get you used to it: Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams Sonny Bill-Williams...
2011 Position 10th
Worst Hair Liam Messam
Free stuff on website Lots of stuff for kids but what about us adults? Where are the Cheerleader shots for starters?
Odds and Value $15.00 If SBW clicks and takes his teammates along could be a wise choice.
Prediction 7th

BULLS

Akona Ndungane -
Men with receding hairlines
should not get dreads (or have ponytails)

If it seems like only yesterday that the Bulls were the form team of Super Rugby, Crusaders-like in the their dominance and winning three titles in four years, then you may forget (or remember it like last week) that they were also once the also-rans of the competition, regularly propping up the table and being a general laughing-stock. So it was uncharacteristic of the team to finish mid-table last year, a bit of here and there rather than all or nothing. So for 2012 expect either Jekyll or Hyde. For their sake you'd hope Victor Matfield going straight from player to specialist coach will have more success than Justin Harrison did when he did likewise at the Brumbies last season.
2011 Position 7th
Worst Hair Akona Ndungane who disproves the theory that all black men look good in dreadlocks
Free stuff on website Competitions, video gallery, the funky (for nerds) virtual stadium tour and the Bulls Babes (although no profiles just some dull images). Also something called SuperBru which is broken.
Odds and Value $15.00 They aint what they used to be, but that can go both ways. Betting on them would be a gamble!
Prediction 7th

SHARKS

Odwa Ndungane -
Really, someone should tell them,
probably their mum.

Interesting Shark facts:

In one of the greatest branding failures of all time, in 1995 the Sharks renamed themselves from the Banana Boys (seriously). Great cross-promotional opportunities with the Big Banana in Coffs Harbour and with Bananas in Pyjamas have been lost, and any affection for the team in New South Wales is now non-existent.
A Sharks jersey was launched into space aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery during a mission to the International Space Station in September 2010 (seriously - again). The shuttle did not blow up and headlines such as 'Sharks hopes go up in smoke' avoided. Alas other headlines such as 'Bananas in space' not possible.

There is no relevance between these facts and the plight of the team in 2012, just thought you should know.

2011 Position 6th
Worst Hair Odwa Ndungane
Free stuff on website There's some competitions and downloads and stuff but where is the Flasher Girls page? Come on Sharks, the girls are the only reason to stay up late watching Shark home-games. Is this political correctness gone made in South Africa? Next thing they'll be serving mid-strength beer, banning braais and burning bras.
Odds and Value $12.00. Showed glimpses of potential last season and with a mix of experience and youth, especially Patrick Lambie who is poised to take over the planet, may represent the best value of the middle-runners. Oops sorry, was that too serious?
Prediction 7th

WARATAHS

Brendan McKibbin -
Should stop putting his fingers
into powerpoints

New coach. New players. New hope. The Waratahs are the great deja vu team of world Rugby. Each year a new playing style is paraded before the media, inevitably involving flowing backline movements and a plethora of spectacular tries. The team will have a great spirit, the forwards will be united in a common cause, the sky will have no limits, money will fall from the trees and they'll serve decent full-strength beer at the Sydney Football Stadium. And for a while all will seem rosy as the competition pacesetters blitz opposition or grind them into dust (the beer will still be crap though). Then the injuries hit, the deer gets caught in the spotlights, old habits like panic and kicking return, and the team limps into the finals or just misses out. But not this year. So we're told.

2011 Position 5th
Worst hair Brendan McKibbin
Free stuff on website Nothing really unless you count a newsletter and Tah Man. The Facebook Fan Page is OK but mainly for the history lessons.
Odds and Value It takes a brave man to back the Tahs. At $9.00 it also takes a deluded one.
Prediction 7th

STORMERS
It's a brave Rugby club that states 'Join fans from around the world, pledge allegiance from behind enemy lines, & become part of the global storm' when its website has no player profiles (hence no haircuts). How anyone can support a team that is afraid to show the world what its players got up to last time they visited a barber is a mystery. So in protest at the lack of humour opportunities provided by the Stormers, the Rolling Maul has decided to boycott the club, starting... now.

REDS

Radike Samo -
Of course

Quade Cooper is unique as he is the only player in history whose absence from the field can have more impact than his presence on it. Just look at the change in the demeanour of the Wallabies when he got injured, let alone the change in playing-style, confidence and footwork. For better or worse, the Wallabies opened up during their last couple of matches in the World Cup and on their European tour and notched up some impressive victories. Cooper's loss was comfortably accommodated for, a bad sign for him but a good one for the Wallabies. So what are the implications for the Reds? No idea, but a bored, non-playing and newly single Quade may attract enough (good and bad) media interest to take the pressure off the team's on-field activities. It's crazy, but it could work.
2011 Position 1st
Worst hair Radike Samo
Free stuff on website Wallpapers and images but nothing of particular interest. Yawn.
Odds and Value At $6.00 the Reds aren't the bookies favourite, but now the monkey is off their back (not a reference to Quade Cooper) they may play even more freely than last season. Also Ewen McKenzie has signed on till 2014, so he has a legacy to establish. Could be worth a punt.
Prediction 7th

BLUES

Liaki Moli -
Sometimes selecting 'worst hair'
is just too easy

The Rolling Maul is gushing over the Blues website. Contrary to popular belief, the Rolling Maul doesn't spend all day watching reruns of famous Matt Dunning moments and Waratah failures (they're much the same thing of course) but has a day job developing and maintaining website content. So speaking from a professional perspective, the Blues website is by far the best website of all the Super Rugby teams from a design, navigation and functionality perspective. And if you like stats then the Blues site has them in buckets. Want to know how many tackles Troy Flavell made in Round 8 vs The Bulls in 2006? Well neither does The Rolling Maul but the answer is 7. The relevance of all this interactive perfection to the Blues chances on the field in 2012 is unknown, but if their attention to detail and investment in online products is any guide they should romp it in.
2011 Position 4th
Worst hair Liaki Moli
Free stuff on website Is this the best website or what? Videos of the 'Skycity Cheer Team' (women in skimpy clothing with pom poms), competitions (well, one) and a tonne of social media stuff.
Odds and Value At $6.00 would like to come up with some allusion to the website but can't think of one.
Prediction 7th

CRUSADERS

Tyler Bleyendaal -
The 'worst' of
a very clean-cut lot

Someone needs to tell the Crusaders to stop living in the past. Sonny-Bill Williams is still featured on the homepage of the team's website, the crappy game featured on the website is set during Super 14, and even the 'Story of the Crusaders' makes no mention of earthquakes. OK, so maybe the team and the support staff have been a bit distracted by last year's events and had other priorities (like finding somewhere to live), but this is a new year and the Crusaders need all the marketing help they can get. The Crusaders were fuelled on emotion in 2011 and it took them all the way to the final, but between that emotional toll and the evident administrative oversights, it's a big ask to expect the Crusaders to back up with another over-performing season.
2011 Position 2nd
Worst hair Except for Tyler Bleyendaal the Crusaders seem to be frequent visitors to the hairdesser. Tyler needs to get his act together if he wants to fit in.
Free stuff on website Out-of-date competition, game and photo gallery (2009!). Can't blame the earthquakes for that.
Odds and Value They may be the bookies favourite at $4.50 but between a World Cup hangover, tired old legs (McCaw, Carter et al) and last year's emotional drama save your dough and look elsewhere.
Prediction 7th (really)

Is that all?

2011-10-25T14:14:00.004+11:00

The final weekend of RWC 2011 may have been a fitting finale but that all depends upon your point of view.

The play-off for the bronze medal (sort of like the fielding award you give to the cricketer at school that you always hid at fine leg) is probably a waste of time but it revealed more about what could have been than what should have been. Kurtley did his hammy, Quade busted his acronym and the Wallabies played with more passion, poise and structure than the entire Cup. Berrick may not be the messiah but he's no naughty boy either. Much like beer, now there's a short-term solution.

In the final only the French could get away with forming a V to face the haka then holding hands and advancing upon the All Blacks. In any other culture, what would look like a Mardi Gras float (Sydney-style and a French word after all) held a promise of standing and delivering and the best response to a haka since David Campese used to head to the goal posts and practice his field goals (a wasted opportunity to get out some tackle bags and practice some tackling unfortunately). Of course IRB regulations state that teams must face the haka from their 10-metre line so expect 10 grand fines placed on the lot of them.

The match itself had more tension than an episode of Dr Who featuring Rose and David Tennant (Matt Smith is such a big improvement - really couldn't stand that namby pamby Tennant). The hint of an upset was fantastic and the Rolling Maul was just getting ready to listen out for the shotguns across the Tasman (and from Bondi) when the match degenerated into a 6 minute ruck. A fitting end to a tournament that began so well, got bogged down in the middle, and never really recovered. Still, could have been worse. Indeed a colleague the Maul bumped into in the lift at work said she preferred the Wales vs France semi-final because it was so slow she could actually understand what was going on.

Interestingly her attitude to the RWC is identical to the Maul's attitude to the soccer world cup - a once in every four year obligation that you bare through gritted teeth and thank your deity once it's over. Well the only reason the Maul is glad the RWC is over is I can finally stop blurbing, blogging, betting and referring to myself in the third person. It's been a long year (and not a profitable one).

But don't worry, Super Rugby 2012 starts in less than 4 months!

Damn You France - Now We Have to Support the All Blacks

2011-10-18T13:25:00.002+11:00

In light of the weekend's semi-final results, The Rolling Maul has read on numerous occasions that all Wallaby supporters should support New Zealand in the final against France. Apparently it's meant to be some sort of familial thing, big-brother little-brother or some such nonsense.

Well there's been more than one pair of brothers that couldn't stand each other's guts. Cain wasn't exactly best mates with Abel after all and the Waugh twins were notorious for running each other out.

The All Blacks are the Wallabies greatest enemy and in any normal course of events (your enemy's enemy being your friend) it would be natural for Australians to wish only ill-will (ie choking) on them, especially in a final on their home soil.

So it was with some distress and a little bit of shock that the Rolling Maul watched France fall over the line against Wales. In a battle to the bottom and a contest driven by a lack of imagination by everyone on the field bar the referee, France dulled their way to another win against a team out of ideas and out of luck. Fair enough too. Rugby isn't a beauty contest.

But if Wales had managed to play attractive interesting Rugby and got through to the Final, then not being English and not being New Zealand they would have been a worthy underdog in a RWC final against the All Blacks and a worthy benefactor of the support from afar of Australian Rugby supporters.

As it is, France have defied the odds, not only by making the final in the first place but by being the only underdog in history not to be supported by the masses. Across Australia and the whole Rugby world outside of France and England (they REALLY hate the French), the All Blacks will be supported through gritted teeth.

France could fix this by scoring a couple of outrageously flamboyant tries in the first 10 minutes of the final. But it's not going to happen. They'll revert to kicking and chasing and playing for position and for that they must be punished, even if it is the All Blacks inflicting the punishment.

Go the All Blacks (grrrr).

Wanted - A True Survival of the Fittest

2011-10-12T14:33:00.003+11:00

So Dan Carter is out, Richie McCaw is coming apart at the seams, Kutley Beale is hobbling and Digby Ione is giving everyone the finger. When it comes to toughness these modern-day global showpieces are wimps compared to their historical forebears.

But first a history lesson to put all this moaning and whingeing in context (courtesy of the excellent RugbyFootballHistory.com)

It wasn't until 1968-69 that an injured player could be replaced and tactical substitutions (from the 'bench') were not sanctioned in Rugby Union until as recently as 1996. Players had to play on injured or sit the match out.

The argument goes that if there's no danger of a player being replaced then there is an increased likelihood of foul play from an opponent looking to put someone out of the game. Yet since 1888 the referee has been empowered to send off an opponent for foul play. Originally this was at the discretion of the referee who could send a player off for any amount of time they deemed fit.

The concept of red and yellow cards obviously came from soccer, but South Africa had suggested the concept of a 'cooler' (sin bin) as early as 1972. It wasn't until 2000 though that the use of red and yellow cards (and the concept of a sin bin) in Rugby were officially sanctioned.

So where does that leave today's cotton-wooled purse carrying nancy boys?

Well to say that they are soft misses the point that injuries have always happened and have always been part of the tactical nuance of the game. These days they are dealt with on the field with expert use of magic sprays, high-tech bandages and water bottles that magically dispence into the players mouth. Players, walk, get carried or get buggied off the field at regular intervals, but the point is there's always someone to take their place (even if it is Radike Samo on the wing).

A true test of character would be if we returned to the glory days of the 1960s. No benches, no cards, no substitutions. If a player was at risk pre-game of injury then he wouldn't be selected. Those who were picked were chosen for their resiliance and their history of going the full 80 minutes at full steam ahead. If a comrade fell you picked up the slack and compensated, and if you fell you ran around on one leg or with blood pouring out of a cut then feinting or permanent disfigurement was the price to be paid for enjoying the on-field action on the field in the company of those with similar mind-sets.

Forget the roughening up periods and the 'tough' forward battles you are witnessing at the World Cup. True gladiators haven't the played the game for 50 years. It's time to re-embrace the spirit of those times by banning those fringe players who warm themselves under blankets from the sidelines. To limit medics to band-aids, bandages and rub-downs. To leave players with arm injuries on the ground so that they can tackle like turnstiles (or Namibians) and to let those hamstrung hobble around shouting instructions if that's all that they have left to contribute.

Indeed limit World Cup squads to 15 players with no replacements and then let's see what happens when the 8 remaining Frenchmen take on the 6 remaining Welshmen and the 4 men of the All Blacks forwards confront the Wallabies loose forwards playing in the front row. Then we would know who the true World Champions are.

RWC Interim Report Card - Your Team is Rubbish

2011-10-06T10:26:00.000+11:00

For all the bleatings about the unfairness of it all, the dastardly doings of the referres or the 'woe is me' attitude of those whose players hurt themselves when they were doing something stupid (like playing Rugby - they should've listened to their Mum), the reality is that no team in this year's Rugby World Cup has anyone to blame but themselves for their current predicament, as the following team report cards show:

NAMIBIA
For all the talk of the improvement of the minnows one minnow has remained stuck in the sardine can - Namibia. Playing in the so called 'pool of death', Namibia were the only team routinely killed, conceding 266 points in just 4 games. Even Fiji, who put 49 points on them, were themselves then thrashed 66-0 by Wales. So it's back to the drawing board for Namibian Rugby, qualification against Rugby powerhouses Kenya and Zimbabwe is the most they have to look forward to, and that's no certainty either given that Kenya's accomplished 7s players are about to graduate to the 15-a-side game.
Grade: F
4-year prediction: Fail to qualify for RWC 2015

USA and RUSSIA
Beating Russia is a triumph in Ice Hockey but defeating them in Rugby is like beating the USA in cricket. The implications for the sport in either country ranges between the miniscule and the negligible. At least the USA caught Ireland on a bad day and Italy on just a normal day so competed gamely against both, Russia were Namibia-like in their capitulations to everyone but the USA, even admitting at one stage they weren't interested in defence, just scoring tries, an attitude that would do Super Rugby proud.
Grade (USA): C-
Grade (Russia): D
4-year prediction (USA): Qualify for RWC 2015 due to a lack of alternatives (whatever has happened the Chiliean Rugby?)
4-year preduction (Russia): Pressure Italy for entrance to the 6-Nations and humiliate Namibia in RWC 2015. No one notices.

ROMANIA
A few World Cups ago Romania threatened to shake off their minnow status. As an official sport of the Communists it had serious backing and the results showed. But the fall of the Iron Curtain was the worst thing for Romanian Rugby, so much so that even their fellow Eastern Europeans Georgia had little difficulty beating them in this World Cup. The Mighty Oaks are more twig-like these days, even running Scotland close is no big achievement given their almost-minnow status these days. Romania do take out the award though for worst jersey, no mean feat given some of the abominations created by the marketing Departments of some of the countries (Scotland, England, Italy etc etc).
Grade: D-
4-year prediction: The fall and fall of Romanian Rugby gives Portugal another taste of World Cup glory.

JAPAN
John Kirwan, the Japan coach, may have been an All Black but even he's finally realised you can't teach players to be bigger, stronger and faster. It doesn't matter how many Kiwis and Islanders you rush through the naturalisation process, Japan will always be a Rugby backwater. When push came to shove, Japan came up short against Tonga and Canada in both Departments. No amount of Sumo wrestlers will solve this problem.
Grade: C
4-year prediction: Hosting in 2019 and aren't whining about money, so the IRB won't let them fail.

SAMOA
Won more admirers than matches but the reality is that Samoa will always be the All Blacks B-team. Off the field they showed more imagination than they did on it and just as much carelessness for their own well-being. If only Tweeting was a sport then they'd grade As given their penchant for charging straight at opposition defences. Unfortunately for them this was a Rugby World Cup and passion will only take you so far. It helps if you can hang onto the ball and score a few tries.
Grade: C+
4-year prediction: The elusive upset is confined to players on social media

GEORGIA
Being competitive in each of your matches is not as good as winning just one of them playing badly. So while Georgia never played badly they didn't exactly set tongues wagging. Indeed their presence at the World Cup was barely noticed, especially in Georgia. One commentator suggested that all the sports bars in Tblisi would be open on Sunday morning showing their match against Argentina live. At least the other commentator realistically added there are only 750 registered senior payers in the whole country to add some perspective. So while the Lelos aren't setting the Rugby world on fire at least they're creating a reason to go to the pub in the morning.
Grade: C-
4-year prediction: Registration of 1,000th player leads to shortage of mouthguards.

CANADA
Gone are the days when Canada challenged for, and even once made, the World Cup quarter-finals. Now a win over Tonga and a lucky draw against those other perennial underachievers Japan are things to cherish. Ultimately the Canadians were better known for their beards than their achievements on the field.
Grade: C
4-year prediction: Moustaches will be all the rage in 2015.

FIJI
From threatening to emerge from minnow hell, being the world's best Rugby 7s nation, making World Cup quarter-finals and running the South Africans agonisingly close in 2007, Fiji's Rugby prospects are now as dire as their economic and political ones. Clearly the lesson for the World is that the fortunes of the Rugby World Cup are inextricably linked to the economic plight of the planet. It's no wonder Greece are nowhere to be seen in the world of Rugby (they don't even have a world ranking).
Grade: F
4-year prediction: Free and fair elections are still about as likely as Fiji making the RWC quarter-finals in 2015.

ITALY
Nick Mallet, Italy's coach, may claim that the team has made progress during his reign, but the reality is that for all the talk of Italy being a danger team, of them having one of the World's best forward packs and being capable of beating anyone on their day, they are hopeless. A decade of Six-Nations has barely lifted the team out of its third-tier. At the World Cup the USA gave them a run for their money and they could only beat Russia by 36. Italy were tryless against Ireland and Australia but pointless in every other way.
Grade: C-
4-year prediction: Minnows continue to snap at their heels, shocking losses and upsets over Scotland, no nothing changes then.

SCOTLAND
Scotland's game against Argentina had a thrilling finish, with a last gasp Argentinian try securing victory, but Scotland's role in generating such excitement was caused despite them, not due to them. Scotland make Italy seem extravagent, and Georgia worth watching in comparison. Enjoyment of the Argentina - Scotland match was a bit like hitting your head with a hammer - it feels better when you stop and in retrospect, for some people anyway, the experience becomes romanticised over time and the faint memory suggests a goood time was had by one and all. It wasn't just the Argentina game either. Scotland put on 16 points or less against Georgia and England and only beat Romania by 10.
Grade: ZZZZ
4-year prediction: Scotland rack up 7 tries against the All Blacks in a thrilling RWC 2015 final - but it's all just a dream - you fell asleep watching them - and you're at the game.

TONGA
No one saw that coming. Reasonable against the All Blacks, hopeless against Canada and Japan, effective against France. Tonga's defeat of France was probably more a reflection of France's state of mind than Tonga's brilliance, indeed Russia could probably have run them close. So credit where credit's due, Tonga turned up and gave France enough rope to hang themsleves. Unfortunately they also below the match against Canada and struggled to overcome Japan. Tonga is no Samoa, and that's not saying much. It could be worse though, they could be Fiji.
Grade: C
4-year prediction: The Rolling Maul goes there for a holiday

WALES
Don't kid yourself. Wales put in a par performance and that was enough to see off newly extreme minnows Fiji, almost minnows Samoa, and almost trump out-of-form South Africa. Sure they have a mix of outstanding young individuals and experienced hard heads but so does every other team. The reality is that Wales is a Rugby backwater and except for a brief alignment of the planets in the 1970s always will be. Wales get credit for being able to sing in tune.
Grade: B-
RWC QF prediction: Fail to impress.
4-year prediction: European triumph between World Cups heralds new era of brilliance. Then reality hits.

IRELAND
Beating Australia isn't the challenge it used to be. It's all about timing, making sure you catch them just after a big and unexpected win. Ireland's timing was exquisite and they played the right tactics against an injury-ridden and struggling opposition. But those weren't the tactics of a World Cup winning team. There was little flair and the usual inabiltiy to score tries. Sure they scored plenty against Russia (who didn't?) and Italy (big deal) but the jury is very much still out, and the verdict may not please.
Grade: B
RWC QF prediction: Fail to impress.4-year prediction: Make England look good. World Cup glory still a dream.

ENGLAND
It's nice to know there's at least one team in this World Cup that doesn't have a 'no dickheads' policy. Indeed the real question is why Danny Cipriani wasn't selected. The only likelihood is that he's overqualified in the 'Don't you know who I am?', 'Celebrity partner', and 'Being thrown out of nightclubs' departments. Mike Tindall is doing an admirable job of upholding British standards of tabloid scandal, certainly his on-field exploits aren't atracting nearly as much attention. In fact, no English on-field efforts are being reported on which may have been Martin Johnson's plan all along.
Grade: A (off-field), C (on-field)
RWC QF prediction: Fail to impress.
4-year prediction:Cipriani comeback heralds new dawn of excellence on and off the field and in and out of the papers.

FRANCE
France are one minnow who have totally failed to impress during this World Cup. Like all minnows they were embarassed by New Zealand but then humiliated by fellow minnows Tonga. The good news is that at least France are displaying typical French characteristics of unpredictability and hating each other in public. This French squad couldn't be more French if they were coached by Gerard Depardieu or shared a post-coital Gitanes with Audrey Tautou. Full credit too to their supoorters for singing La Marseillaise into baguettes.
Grade: D-
RWC QF prediction: Fail to impress.
4-year prediction: The new 'Kings of the Minnows' reclaim superiority over Italy. Woohoo.

SOUTH AFRICA
Only South Africa could sleepwalk their way to four consecutive victories. Both Wales and Samoa thought they had South Africa's measure until they woke up in the final 15 minutes. Even Namibia had 87 put on them but South Africa never really got going (they should have won by 150). Whether this is part of a cunning plan or a sign of inevitable decline from a team that knew William Webb Ellis as a boy only time will tell.
Grade: B-
RWC QF prediction: Fail to impress.
4-year prediction: South Africa's RWC 2015 team of 12 year-olds struggle to defeat Namibia by more than 60.

AUSTRALIA
If the Wallabies do win the World Cup they'll have to thank the medical authorities in New Zealand. New Zealand have a lot of experience dealing with people who have suffered great trauma and horrific injuries - every four years to be precise after another choking fit by the All Blacks. Of course timing is everything and the Wallabies seem to be coming good fitness-wise which is great because when it all ends in tears they won't be able to blame luck, and espcially not the 'luck of the Irish'.
Grade: C+
RWC QF prediction: Fail to impress.
4-year prediction: Rugby League converts finally come good whihc is fortunate considering the bulk of the RWC 2011 backline converted to league between Cups.

ARGENTINA
The Scotland of the Southern Hemisphere were really only impressive when they out-Scotlanded Scotland. Only Argentina can clog up a game as they do, stifling the attack of both teams in the process. Argentina can make minnows look good one week, push other top-tier nations the next week and then struggle to defeat also-rans (lke Scotland) the next. Unfortunately one moment of individual flair isn't enough to cover up uncountable moments of drudgery, boredom, kicking and handling errors. Still, it worked in 2007.
Grade: B-
RWC QF prediction: Fail to impress.
4-year prediction: Entry into Souther Heminsphere 4-nations adds whole world of pain to viewing audiences.

NEW ZEALAND
The All Blacks have never dealt particularly well with favouritsm and are so desperate to shed that tag in this World Cup they've hobbled Dan Carter and cotton-wooled Richie McCaw. It won't work. Despite themselves they've comfortably won all four games and are the only team that's looked even remotely close to being consistently in form. As the pressure builds that stange tingling sensation around their necks will start to build. The Rolling Maul is happy to add to the pressure by predcting that they'll romp home and win by plenty.
Grade: A+ (impossible to maintain)
RWC QF prediction: Awesome (it won't last)
4-year prediction: Spend four-years on a victory tour of the world thumping everyone in the process with the monkey of their backs.

Wallaby Strategy a Thing of Beauty

2011-09-26T11:31:00.000+10:00

For all the crazy conspriacy theorists out there (like this blog) the reality is that the Wallabies plight is their own doing - and they're doing it brilliantly.

Like a modern-day rope-a-dope, the Wallabies are playing a long game, lulling their prime opponents into a false sense of security, priming them for a thwacking. Losing to Ireland may have been viewed as a disaster at the time, but while Robbie Deans may have appeared downcast, inside he was conniving and thriving - the Wallabies were now in a better head space and a better place in the draw.

The Northern Hemisphere nations may be technically not as accomplished as their Southern hemisphere counterparts, but the reality is that for the Wallabies they are a lesser known threat. 'Better the devil you know' has never been more apt.

The Springboks are the Wallabies bunnies, having lost 4 of their last 5 matches against them, while the All Blacks have also lost 2 of their last 3 against the Wallabies. It's also a historical fact that the Wallabies struggle to win matches they are expected to win and tend to recover from shocking losses with thumping wins.

Maybe it's a Gen Y thing, or maybe they're just stupid, but the Wallabies short term memory isn't much better than a goldfish's and once Robbie Deans came to terms with it he realised it was actually something he could use to his advantage. While it may be a bit of a stretch to say he planned the loss to Ireland you can bet he was pumping up the team's ego (not hard to do admittedly) prior to kick-off in the knowledge that over-estimating the opposition may have some long term advantages.

So the message to Walllabies supporters is don't lose the faith just yet. Forget injuries to key personnel, Robbie Deans chose young players because they heal more easily, are easier to build up and down, are predictably unpredicatable and have plenty to learn. The weight of age and the dullness of experience will tell against the Springboks who will be outenthused (it's a new word and you heard it here first) and underwhelmed, while the All Blacks have been there and choked on that.

Come the final the Wallabies will face off against a little known enemy brimming with confidence having been undefeated to that point during the World Cup and thus ripe for the picking and with little knowledge of how to counter Southern Hemisphere flair and pizzazz, but a flair tempered and tamed by the knowledge that it must be used wisely.

The Wallabies - not incompetent, just timing their run.

Cunning IRB Conspire North vs South Showdown

2011-09-19T14:57:00.000+10:00

It's impossible to believe that the Wallabies could have played as badly as they did in the loss to Ireland unless there were some external mitigating circumstances.

Such circumstances do not include the size of Quade Cooper's head preventing him from exiting the team bus without lubrication (affecting his judgement during the game), James O'Connor setting his alarm for 12 hours early just to make sure (so he was tired on the field), or Kurtley Beale chip kicking the chips that came with his fish the night before (fumbling the chips, burning his fingers and losing confidence).

No, clearly the IRB with ARU collusion are up to something and the most likely scenario is that they are setting up a classic north-south rivalry (all the Southern Hemisphere nations on one-half of the QF draw and the Europeans on the other). So successful could this be that the North-South championship may become an annual event, future World Cup pools will be geographically based, and what you're witnessing is just a trial run to judge its popularity.

And the frightening thing is that almost sounds like a sensible idea - you heard it here first!

But whichever way you look at it, it's just another cynical marketing ploy like black jerseys, choirs singing anthems (get your DVD now) and no matches live on free-to-air, each designed to funnel more money into IRB Swiss bank accounts and drive up the value of the broadcasting rights.

By extension, the 'honourable', 'gutsy' and 'gritty' showing by the so-called minnows is just the big fish playing dead for a while, keeping eye balls on the television, driving up ratings, and generating column inches. It's no coincidence that after 60 minutes with the scoreboard at almost parity the minnows roll over and the big boys rack up their fourth try as the full-time siren blows and they secure the bonus point.

Forget pool games, so-called upsets and the drama around team selections. The World Cup doesn't really start until the quarter-finals when there really is something to play for. Only then will we see the real Wallabies.

Jersey Colour Debate is All Black and White (and Red)

2011-09-15T11:59:00.000+10:00

As far as cynical marketing ploys go, the English appearing in black will go down, depending on your view, as either inspired or insipid.

The word out of New Zealand is that England will only wear their 'alternate' jersey once, but if you want to wear the black jersey and associated merchandise you can get your own supporters version for £55, kids version for £40, polo shirt for £30, tee shirt for £20, tournament tee shirt for £20, or jacket for £55. Just don't expect the Rolling Maul to provide any links (unless payment is received from the English Rugby Football Union to do so of course).

Whether the mechandise includes numbers that rub off in scrums or comes with built in black armbands to mourn the passing of English World Cup hopes with the injury to Andrew Sheridan is unknown (which also begs the question what will the English do if someone does die and they need to show mourning in the traditional method - a white armband?).

Yet it's not just the English that are playing this game, for many of the teams are reading from the same marketing textbook. Scotland's dark blue is now almost black, Wales' and Canada's alternate strip is black, and France's blue is much darker than it's ever been. Meanwhile France also appear in white, Georgia's glorious burgundy of a couple world cups ago was replaced by red and against Scotland they wore white and Italy's, Samoa's, Scotland's, South Africa's, and the USA's alternate jerseys are also white. It seems Scotland's excellent purple jerseys of a few years back are no more

Full credit to Fiji though who traditionally wear white but have a light blue alternate jersey.

In the lack of imagination stakes you can tick off Georgia, Canada, Wales, Tonga and Russia who wear red and Japan who have red and white stripes.

It is no different in the Super Rugby or the NRL (Rugby League) where nearly every team has a white away strip that just conveniently gives the team's jersey sponsors more prominence.

And for the record the Wallabies also have an alternate strip featuring white but they won't be wearing it at the Cup - but supporters can buy it. More proof if ever it was needed that the concept of alternate jerseys is less about how you look on the field but how your supporters and sponsors look off it.

RWC Wrap - The False Dawn of the Minnows

2011-09-12T16:17:00.000+10:00

It's one of the great strengths and weaknesses of Rugby that the scoreline always gives a true indication of the relative strengths of the combatants. Compared to soccer, where an inferior team can bore their way to a scoreless draw or clog up their goals after an early goal, in Rugby there's nowhere to hide and the better team will always triumph.

So what then to make of the opening matches of the Rugby World Cup? Well Romania, Tonga, Argentina, Italy, Japan, the USA and Wales all had their chances at embarassing their better credentialled opponents. But they didn't. Class, fitness, experience and arse ultimately won out.

England may have been ugly against Argentina but they won with 5 minutes of pizzazz. Australia needed 25 minutes of oomph. For France, 15 minutes of whoosh and they left Japan in their wake. Wales may have lost by one point to South Africa but poise under pressure went missing when needed.

It's the cavalcade of animated Batman noises that the second and third tier nations don't have and probably never will. Relatively speaking their standards will never improve as the IRB will never arrange for more high-profile matches against lower ranked opponents because there's no money in it. Rugby is a professional sport, and professionals and the powerbreakers that manipulate them need cash, and plenty of it if they're to keep interested beyond just the next World Cup or Lions tour.

So applaud and cheer the guts and dedication of the hapless Japanese, Italians and Romanians et al (the Rolling Maul did and does), but don't expect them to ever match the big boys. Triumphant minnows may make for good TV in the short term and delight the purists but it won't increase viewing numbers or advertising revenue.

But more streakers and more commentating from Gordon Bray just might!

Something's Wrong. No One's Complaining

2011-09-07T14:44:00.001+10:00

Three days out from the World Cup and not one team has whinged about anything associated with the World Cup.

It can only be concluded that:

All team beds are of suitable length and firmness.
Balls are inflated correctly and are of a standard weight. They fly straight and true when intended and curve appropirately when known kicking methods are applied.
Referees have indicated to team management that they will apply the advantage rule appropriately and be fair in their ruck and maul interpretations.
Television schedules have been designed to suit all the viewing habits of all the followers of all the participating nations.
The right balance has been struck between free-to-air, satellite, cable and on-line viewng of matches both live, delayed and replayed.
Tickets to matches have arrived on time and every single one is as ordered.
Ticket prices are deemed appropriate with a range to suit any budget.
The IRB has acted in the best interests of everybody.
David Campese is happy.
All food in New Zealand has been checked for freshness, quality and taste and no player or spectator has been afflicted by food poisoning.
Al teams are happy with their playing schedule and can comfortably accommodate the turn-around between games.
Beer prices are OK.

With such a quiet week leading up to the World Cup either there is a conspiracy between journalists or things really are going that smoothly. The Rolling Maul just hopes it goes pear-shaped from here, for otherwise there'll be nothing to blog about!

The Rugby World Cup in Lego

2011-08-30T21:31:00.000+10:00

The truly frightening thing is that this is just one of dozens of Rugby lego videos. So something to watch in between World Cup matches then...

Party Time in Melbourne in 2012

2011-08-23T11:28:00.001+10:00

If the Melbourne Rebels couldn't handle Danny Ciprirani then how on earth will they cope with the antics of fellow wild-children James O'Connor and Kutley Beale?

Danny Cipriani was a known quantity when he signed with the Rebels. He'd already been booted out of two clubs and the English Rugby team for his off-field behaviour. Clearly the Rebels were determined to prove that their name wasn't just a clever marketing ploy, and after a couple of well rehearsed events Ciprirani was sent to the training paddock to renegotiate a contract something along the lines of the ten commandments. He'll be back bigger and better and drunker in 2012, and with Lara Bingle in tow to add some high-class glamour and a celebrity bust up to keep the tabloids happy.

James O'Connor meanwhile (a self-confessed man more brand than human) was also making himself unpopular with the new-age Western Force. Back in the good old days (about three years ago), the Force was a haven for Rugby misfits. Scott Fava beat up quokkas and not to be outdone Matt Henjak beat up his teammates. Cameron Sheppard preferred to do his drinking in his car. But once both Fava and Henjak were purged and Sheppard realised he had nowhere else to go, it was left to only O'Connor to wave the flag for drunken fun and games.

With few local opportunities he looked to overseas to engage in the sort of backpacking antics his fellow twenty-nothings do all the time on Contiki tours. Food fights and brawls with his mates might be OK at Oktoberfest but clearly the Force and the Wallabies do-gooders thought otherwise. With nowhere left to turn, O'Connor signed for the Force on the condition that best drinking bud and punching bag Kurtley Beale went with him.

It was an easy choice for Beale. Cleared by the courts of everything fun he'd ever attempted in Sydney he realised that only Melbourne could give him the sort of notoriety he craved. With Cipriani laying the foundations and O'Connor ready to plumb new depths, Beale signed on the bottom line.

The Rebels may not win a game in 2012 but they'll get more than their fair share of headlines. For a new team looking for a unique place in the annals of Australian Rugby such publicity will be gold.

2011 Rugby World Cup Tipping and Betting Guide

2011-08-14T22:39:00.015+10:00

Is it 4 years already? Where have we come in the last 4 years then?

The All Blacks are peaking early, the Wallabies are full of promising youngsters and grizzled old hard heads, England are grinding out dull slogging wins and shocking losses, France are schizophrenic, Wales, Scotland and Ireland are making up the numbers and Argentina are unknown. So if everything old is new again then how's a punter or tipster going to know when to tip the upset or lay down a few hard earned? Well that's what this guide is for (didn't you read the title?):

NAMIBIA
It's a bad sign that a team that has qualified for the World Cup has a website that greets you with the message
'Welcome to NamibianRugby.com. Please be patient as we are in the process of rebuilding the site.'
If that's not enough the website is unofficial and not supported by the Namibian authorities (the NRU) and the IRB has taken over the NRU because of the organisation's "financial problems". Indeed the NRU is subject to corruption allegations. With omens such as these it's a wonder they even qualified, but then Zimbabwe is the next best ranked African team in the world at 35th so one must assume they didn't have much competition for the second African slot.
World Ranking: 20th
Official Price: $5,001 Rolling Maul Price: $1,000,001

World Cup Pool Opponents: South Africa, Wales, Fiji, Samoa

Prediction: Website will still be cactus by World Cup kick off and no-one will notice, much like their presence at the World Cup.

RUSSIA

The Bears, as Russia's Rugby team are known, have improved markedly since qualifying for the 2007 World Cup and then being kicked out for fielding a number of players with strangely South African names. Unfortunately the same can't be said for the English version of their website. The Rolling Maul suspects that someone at the Rugby Union of Russia has put too much faith in the Google translator app, how else to explain this sentence in the report of their loss to Georgia: "On 50th minute of a match of an abacus became almost indecent - 6:24. And only after that "Russian bears" have woken up."
World Ranking: 19th
Official Price: $5,001 Rolling Maul Price: $1,000,001
World Cup Pool Opponents: Australia, Ireland, Italy, USA
Prediction: The Bears may wake up against the USA but expect the Russians to compete for a while before losing comprehensively this Cold War, just like the original one.

ROMANIA
Alas the official Romanian Rugby website is only available in Romanian, so what works (sort-of) for the Russians might work for the Romanians, though in this case it's the Rolling Maul's turn to apply the Google translator. So what is learnt from the site? "Tana Umaga will support Romania in the stands at the World Cup ... Scottish inaugurates a special beer to match with Romania". So Romania can't find any Romanians to support them and their participation is celebrated with beer. All good, but for more of an insight into the deep and meaningful heart of Romanian Rugby check out this 'articol'. Translate it and it will leave you feeling good about all things Romanian Rugby but more than a little confused.
World Ranking: 18th
Official Price: $2,001 Rolling Maul Price: $1,000,001
World Cup Pool Opponents: Argentina, England, Scotland, Georgia
Prediction: Much Scottish beer will be drunk post-match irrespective of the result after which both teams won't need a Google translator.

CANADA
The return of South Africa from apartheid isolation has not been kind to Canadian Rugby. Since making the quarter-finals in 1991 with wins over Romania and Fiji and running France close, they have generally won a match at every World Cup but never come close to the quarter-finals as South Africa removed the last chance for a minnow. So while 'Americas' qualifying for Canada means simply defeating the USA, something they do on a regular basis (but only went 1-match all this time around and got through via points difference) these American 'heavyweights' are doomed to battle for honour and not much else.
World Ranking: 16th
Official Price: $2,001 Rolling Maul Price: $1,000,001
World Cup Pool Opponents: New Zealand, France, Tonga, Japan
Prediction: Uh-Oh Canada.

GEORGIA
It should be pretty obvious by now that the Rolling Maul knows little about most of the teams at the World Cup, but at least can claim to have seen Georgia play at the 2003 World Cup in Sydney. Back then they paraded around in a fantastic burgundy jersey that was a best seller at the merchandise stands. Why they ditched that jersey for a pretty standard red number akin to Wales is a mystery but full credit must be given to the Georgians for the stirring patriotic anthem that greets visitors to their website. Ignore the rest of the website - it's bog standard and the history is in Georgian that even the translator can't handle, so their likely success or otherwise at the World Cup is a mystery. Can't wait for their anthem though.
World Ranking: 15th
Official Price: $2,001 Rolling Maul Price: $1,000,001
World Cup Pool Opponents: Argentina, England, Scotland, Romania
Prediction: Players will cry while singing the anthem, but that will be the highlight of their campaign.

UNITED STATES
Thank the International Olympic Committee for the USA not dominating World Rugby about now. After the USA won the gold medal at the Olympics in 1920 and 1924 it was removed as an Olympic sport (after all, none of the big nations sent anything like full international squads to compete - hence the USA victories). Since then Rugby has withered on a crowded sporting vine in the USA, has not qualified for every World Cup, and has only won two games ever (both against Japan) in the World Cup. Website-wise don't bother, but there is a section on Accident Insurance linked to the the home page which is enlightening and not in a good way.
World Ranking: 17th
Official Price: $1,501 Rolling Maul Price: $1,000,001
World Cup Pool Opponents: Australia, Ireland, Italy, Russia
Prediction: No little Asians to intimidate in this pool (speaking from a position of authority having seen them beat - i.e. monster - Japan in Gosford at the 2003 Cup)

JAPAN
The Rolling Maul was present for one of the USA's victories over Japan - at Gosford in 2003. Much like the Lilliputians trying to tackle Gulliver the Japanese buzzed around the hulking lumbering behemoths of the USA who more often than not swatted them away like flies. Still it was a competitive and well-spirited game but ultimately the Japanese were outmuscled. Japan have beaten the USA 5 times in their history (with thanks to Wikipedia) but never at the World Cup, indeed their only ever win was over Zimbabwe in 1991. But with a recent win in the Pacific Nations Cup, including victories over Tonga and Fiji, they've achieved their highest ever world ranking. Don't read too much into that though, the islanders were only fielding their domestic (non-European based) players, so expect more obscure metaphors and war stereotypes referring to the Japanese spirit and diminutive size.
World Ranking: 12th
Official Price: $1,001 Rolling Maul Price: $999,999
World Cup Pool Opponents: New Zealand, France, Tonga, Canada
Prediction: Strive to gain Rugby respect, fail to deliver, don't mention the war.

TONGA
The official Tongan Rugby website was in maintenance mode ("Please try back in 60 minutes" - for two hours) when the Rolling Maul went looking for it which was easier said than done. It certainly didn't feature in any searches. The suspicion is that it's always under maintenance, much like the Tongan team which has promised a lot more than it has ever delivered - a few scratchy wins against teams they should beat anyway, a good win over Italy and 100 point thrashings by the big guys. How a team with no form to speak of has shorter odds than Japan is a mystery, but if you assume that the 'experts' framing these markets are looking to make a buck then maybe there's something we don't know about that could be worth watching. But probably not.
World Ranking: 13th
Official Price: $501 Rolling Maul Price: $999,999
World Cup Pool Opponents: New Zealand, France, Canada, Japan
Prediction: "Please try back in 60 minutes" to be the new Tongan anthem.

ITALY
So Italy defeat France in the Six Nations and finish within a couple of converted tries against all the other nations bar England. Yet they have the same odds as Tonga?! It is true that the Italians don't travel well. Understandably really, if you're used to the best pasta and pizza it must be hard to slum it around the Southern Hemisphere. And going from the Mediterranean to the wilds of Auckland, then Nelson and then glorious Dunedin must seem like some sort of punishment. But Tonga?
World Ranking: 11th
Official Price: $501 Rolling Maul Price: $10,001
World Cup Pool Opponents: Australia, Ireland, Russia, USA
Prediction: The pizza battle against the USA, thick crust vs thin, too much cheese vs very little, wood fired vs conveyor. Let's get it on!

FIJI
If you believe the Fijian Rugby website (and there's no reason you should if other international Rugby websites are any guide), Fiji have played no matches since June 2010 (they were thrashed by Australia), and played no matches at all in 2009. Yet if memory serves correctly it was only three weeks ago they were thrashed by New Zealand in a Tri-Nations warm-up. So you have to fear for a team that has had players refused entry to New Zealand because of their Fiji Army links representing a country that doesn't even know they're playing.
World Ranking: 14th
Official Price: $401 Rolling Maul Price: $50,001
World Cup Pool Opponents: South Africa, Wales, Samoa, Namibia
Prediction: If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to witness the conversion...?

SCOTLAND
Scotland is a small and obscure nation of sorts just north of England. While reports have emerged that they play Rugby there, no one has ever witnessed this and lived to tell the tale. Indeed Rugby fans who have purchased tickets to games purporting to feature a team known as Scotland tend to only ever notice one team on the field, and it's not Scotland.
World Ranking: 9th
Official Price: $151 Rolling Maul Price: $7,501
World Cup Pool Opponents: Argentina, England, Georgia, Romania
Prediction: "Scotland have gone home already? I didn't even know they qualified!?"

SAMOA
You win one match and then you're everyone's favourite roughie. A bit of context please people. Samoa were playing their Heineken Cup hardened A-team against Australia's B-team most who hadn't played for a month because their Super Rugby teams were so crap they didn't make the semis (indeed far from it). So before you go predicting another upset Welsh style remember that when all these international teams are firing on all cylinders the vast majority of the Samoans weren't good enough a) to play Super Rugby and b) to play for the All Blacks.
World Ranking: 10th
Official Price: $126 Rolling Maul Price: $15,001
World Cup Pool Opponents: South Africa, Wales, Fiji, Namibia
Prediction: Samoa defeating Wales is no upset.

WALES
And so we turn to the glory days of Welsh Rugby, indeed the glory days of Rugby when the ball was a missile to be hurled through backlines and speedy wingers made the game a proper spectacle. Or maybe not. 1962. Now there's a year. England vs Wales 0-0. Wales vs Scotland 3-8. Wales vs France 3-0. Ireland vs Wales 3-3. Fortunately there's all that World Cup glory to balance the ledger. The 1987 semi-final, the losses to Samoa and Fiji. Actually there's something about Wales and Fiji, apart from a 58-14 thrashing in their last 5 encounters Fiji have comes away with a win, a draw, a one-point loss and a four-point loss. You want a pool of death, this is it.
World Ranking: 7th
Official Price: $101 Rolling Maul Price: $5,001
World Cup Pool Opponents: South Africa, Samoa, Fiji, Namibia
Prediction: Welsh jerseys to turn red through all the spilled blood. Oh yeah.

ARGENTINA
The Argentinian Rugby website has probably the best Rugby historical rundown of any Rugby website. For example the dead-ball line was introduced in 1891 after a Bristol player ran 300m past the tryline before touching down. And in 1874 it was determined that the captains of the teams are the arbitrators of disputes. The British were known as the 'Aliens' from 1909. In 1908 the Australian Rugby team chose the name 'Wallabies' over 'Wolves'. These factoids provide no help as to determining how the Pumas will go at the World Cup. They'll kick a lot. They always do. They're very good at it.
World Ranking: 8th
Official Price: $101 Rolling Maul Price: $2,501
World Cup Pool Opponents: England, Scotland, Georgia, Romania
Prediction: The Pumas have a good record against pretty much everyone yet if they defeat anybody it's always a surprise. Discuss.

IRELAND
The last World Cup wasn't kind to Ireland. They narrowly defeated Namibia (they have lost to them twice) and then nearly lost to Georgia before crashing out in the pool stage. Since then they've won Grand Slams and Six Nations, stuffed up the English chances of a Grand Slam and drawn with Australia. You'd think they'd be a good chance at the World Cup. You'd be wrong.
World Ranking: 6th
Official Price: $31 Rolling Maul Price: $751
World Cup Pool Opponents: Australia, Italy, Russia, USA
Prediction: Have avoided bogey-team Namibia. Won't help though. Much.

FRANCE
Mercurial, unpredictable, exciting, flamboyant, magnificent, incorrigible, capricious, spirited, vivacious, profligate. Thesauruses are wonderful things for describing French Rugby. Unfortunately given recent form there's really only one word to describe them - merde.
World Ranking: 5th
Official Price: $21 Rolling Maul Price: $201
World Cup Pool Opponents: New Zealand, Tonga, Canada, Japan
Prediction: Famous French flair falls flat. F***.

ENGLAND
Jonny Wilkinson. Outside of the Northern Hemisphere he's pretty much all your average Rugby supporter knows about the English Rugby team. And he's probably all we need to know. He's won them one World Cup, spent more time in rehab than on the field since, and eight-years after that triumph he's back doing what he does best - kicking. OK, he can run a and pass a bit too but if most players 'good' foot was as good as Wilkinson's 'wrong' foot they wouldn't complain. Alas there's a reason why the rest of the English team is largely anonymous - they deserve it. Sure they won a recent Six Nations and defeated the Wallabies numerous times last year but the World Cup is in New Zealand.
World Ranking: 4th
Official Price: $13 Rolling Maul Price: $51 if Wilkinson doesn't get injured, $501 if he does
World Cup Pool Opponents: Argentina, Scotland, Georgia, Romania
Prediction: Headline "Poms claim Southern Hemisphere conspiracy"

SOUTH AFRICA
Peter DeVilliers, the South African Rugby coach is the best thing about the South African Rugby team. Win, lose or draw, the pensioner plan that is South African Rugby will be a laugh-a-minute side show as long as DeVilliers is at the helm. So absurd and legendary have his quotes become that a new word, "Snorism" has been created, and can be found in the Urban Dictionary...

...to describe the multitudes of ridiculous/ludicrous/idiotic/unfathomable gaffes made constantly by the South African rugby union coach Peter De Villiers (aka Snor).

Check out the Urban Dictionary for some quotes, but for the sake of the World Cup here's hoping the Boks are around till the end of it (meaning they could finish as low as fourth).
World Ranking: 3rd
Official Price: $8 Rolling Maul Price: $34
World Cup Pool Opponents: Wales, Fiji, Samoa, Namibia
Prediction: DeVilliers probably resigns but no one can be too sure exactly what he meant.

AUSTRALIA
Youth on their side, pace to burn, forwards that can match it with anyone, loose forwards that can scavenge as good as any vulture and dig better than any, err, digger. Yet somehow this Wallaby outfit still comes across as less than its parts. No doubt Robbie Deans hoped that with the Reds winning the Super Rugby he'd have a tried and tested core of confident winners. He was partly right. Tried? Yes. Tested? Yes. Confident? Yes. Winners? Only on alternate weekends. The World Cup is effectively 7 consecutive weekends. Like most Roller Coaster rides it will have its ups and downs, be alternately thrilling and frightening, but ultimately it will end where it began.
World Ranking: 2nd
Official Price: $4.25 Rolling Maul Price: $21
World Cup Pool Opponents: Ireland, Italy, Russia, USA
Prediction: Just like Quade Cooper distributing to a runner, the Wallabies will be flicked out the back.

NEW ZEALAND
That sound you can hear is a massive choke coming from the near future. Yes it's that time of the World Cup cycle again. The All Blacks are short priced favourites, their lead up form has been impeccable, their top team positions are sorting themselves out, their veterans are proving rock solid, and their injury concerns are abating. Sounds too good to be true and that's because it is. Don't think for a second that the weight of expectation holds back the All Blacks. It's actually a massive global conspiracy to lull the New Zealanders into a false sense of superiority. Four years in the making every four years, if only the rest of the world could use their powers for good instead of evil they could end hunger and create an everlasting world peace, though it wouldn't be as much fun as watching the All Blacks lose another quarter-final.
World Ranking: 1st
Official Price: $1.60 Rolling Maul Price: $20.99
World Cup Pool Opponents: France, Tonga, Canada, Japan
Prediction: The Rolling Maul goes broke

Rugby's 6 Biggest Missed Marketing Opportunities

2011-07-28T13:21:00.001+10:00

Rugby League may be turning itself inside-out looking for new promotional opportunities to increase it's attractiveness to potential broadcasters, but Rugby Union administrators don't realise the wealth of opportunities available to it due to the inherent nature of the game. Here are 6 possibilities just begging for a brand, a slogan and a logo:

Scrums
The scrum reset is considered a blight on the game. Most scrums are reset, some multiple times. The resultant time lost when the ball should be spinning out the backline is thought to be wasted. That's true, but the waste is due to the revenue that could be generated if the broadcasters showed a couple of minutes of advertisements. Contextual advertising can keep the scrum enthusiasts interested, earthmoving equipment for example.

Bored backlines
So what is the back to do while the scrums continually reset. At the moment they mentaly twiddle their thumbs, sign autographs and contemplate their next hair dresser appointment. They should make better use of their time, especially if the broadcaster doesn't take the option to run some quick adverts. What about putting on a t-shirt advertising food options to the spectators at the ground ("the hot dogs here have less nose meat and sawdust than those at Ballymore" for example) or cross-anti-promotions ridiculing other sports ("you think this is slow, have you watched golf lately?" etc).

Shorts
Rugby players spend a lot of their time with their head buried deep in a scrum or ruck with their derriere prominently displayed. Given the ample size of most Rugby players backsides (especially the forwards) their shorts are effectively mobile billboards, and obvious places for advertisements such as for haemorrhoid creams, recliner rockers and shorts (of course).

Goalposts
Rugby goalposts have been 'H' shaped ever since the first misshaped soccer ball wobbled over the cross-bar as observers admired the trajectory and skill of the kicker who was just showing off. But if all the ball needs to do is go over something, why limit the shape to an 'H'. What about an 'M' (a yellow curvy one) or three of them (as in the radio station 2MMM)? Why only one letter? What about 'VB' for example? Any why limit it to letters and numbers? Any logo could work just as well, from the World Cup logo, to car badges and sports clothing the possibilities are endless.

Set moves
Rugby (and league) afficionados will be familiar with such moves as the flying wedge, the Garryowen, and the 'under the jumper'. These ancient and sometimes illegal moves (eg two of those three) demonstrate Rugby at its most innovative and most appealing. The game is crying out for new and innovative set-moves, and not just simple dummys, run-arounds and flick passes. What about using extra balls on the field, using a tractor in the scrum or a trampoline in the line-out slamball style? Each could be sponsored and even named by an appropriate company - the Mack Truck (using a truck in the scrum), the Gilbert (extra balls) or the Slumberpedic Mattresses (trampoline move) for straters?

Balls
T20 cricket rejected it but baseball embraces it. When a ball goes into the crowd why should it be returned? They don't cost much, their condition doesn't alter during a game and they're a useful souvenir. Position 100 around the field for the ball boys and there'll be no danger of a lost ball holding up play. And from a marketing perspective how better to give kids something to play with and remind them of their day out. Actually this one could work!

Any others you can think of?

2011 Super Rugby Australian Team of the Year

2011-07-12T22:21:00.002+10:00

It's that time of the year again when the Rolling Maul recognises those Australian Rugby players that deserve no recognition, whose feeble efforts, injuries and misfortune have contributed to them being mere post-it notes on the monitor of Rugby excellence (not the good kind though but the ones that curl up at the edges and don't stick too well except to the bottom of your shoe when they fall off the monitor after 10 minutes and you step on them).

So here it is, the 2011 Super Rugby Australian Team of the Year:

PROPS
Matt Dunning
Of course. It wouldn't be a Super Rugby team of the year without Dunning leaning against the side of a scrum much like he does at the front bar of the Leederville Hotel or whatever establishment it his that he frequents in Perth. Dunning started the season for the Force injured, then on the bench, then injured, the bench, injured, club Rugby, the starting line up, injured and the bench. He's heading for France now where he'll be paid in baguettes and croissants. Even better news is Jake White is rumoured to be trying to secure his services for the Brumbies in 2012, though how Dunning could manage hobnobbing witht he Public Service suit and tie crowd is a mystery.

Rodney Blake
Rodzilla was signed up by Rod Macqueen to provide bulk in the scrum. He probably got more than he bargained for. Blake arrived after a stint in Japan disproving the theory that sushi helps you reduce weight. He ended up spending most of the season either testing the stress limits of the bench or recovering from ankle or knee damage which was the inevitable result of trying to propel his massive frame around the Rugby field. While another Wallabies call up never occurred he did regain some of his cult status with kids in Melbourne, but only as he was an adequate back-up for the AAMI Park bouncy castle.

HOOKER
Adam Freier
Being out injured for all but the final two rounds of the season certainly gave Adam Freier plenty of time to work on his media profile. With stints on Fox and SBS, the Sun Herald and radio, it's a surprise he found any time to train for his comeback, let along last more than 10 minutes on the field. At least his two appearances proved that not only does he have a good face for radio but that his form off the field is better than than on it.

SECOND ROWERS (LOCKS)
Adam Byrnes
Byrnes was signed to the Rebels from Queensland because they were in need of some 'hard heads' and 'tough nuts' to provide the 'mongrel' at scrum time. Byrnes certainly provided this in spades, being in the middle of any fisticuffs that erupted from the set pieces and protecting the little guys with borderline aggression. Alas he lacked any other characteristic required by Rugby players, such as an ability to pass, tackle or catch, and within weeks he was consigned to be the only Melbourne player wearing a suit on the sidelines that didn't have a career-threatening injury (not including Danny Cipriani unless you can call Lara Bingle an injury).

Dan Vickerman
Vickerman was to be the knight in shining armour, racing to the rescue of the ailing Waratahs to provide them with glory and so much needed second-row grunt. In the end he played all of 20 minutes in the last match of the season and was propelled straight into the Wallabies squad. Meanwhile he was prevented from playing for the Tahs in their semi-final despite other teams being allowed to field players that hadn't played a match all season, so long as they were out of position. If only Vickerman had some speed they could have played him on the wing.

NUMBER 8
Wycliff Palu
Some players just need to accept that there comes a time when the body isn't up to it. When just getting out of bed in the morning without rupturing a cruciate ligament should be considered a triumph. Cliffy Palu is one of those players, at least from this year onwards. Almost every match the Waratahs played Palu was a 50/50 of returning from injury, and on those rare occasions when he did play he was a 50/50 of not lasting till the final siren. His final tally was something like 5 matches played and three injuries.

BREAKAWAYS (FLANKERS)
Rocky Elsom
Speaking of injury prone loose forwards, Rocky Elsom isn't a spring chicken Wallaby bolter anymore, but the grizzled veteran held together by tape, bandages and the last few microns of his tendons that are on the verge of snapping. The Wallaby captain spent the vast majority of 2011 on the sidelines supposedly injured as his team lost everything, including their composure and their discipline (on and off the field). Good planning or good luck, either way at least he can claim to have had nothing to do with it.

HALFBACK
Patrick Phibbs
The perennial bridesmaid of Brumbies Rugby has played second string to every Brumbies halfback over the last decade, but it seemed to have finally come good this season when he got only his second run-on match when selected over Josh Valentine mid season. It didn't help the Brumbies though. They lost heavily again, the Phibbs experiment lasted all of one match, and Phibbs found himself again on the bench.

FIVE-EIGHTH
Danny Cipriani
In a season generally devoid of scandal or controversy (and all the more poorer for it) Danny Cipriani was a one-man tabloid headline and about the only thing adding interest to what was generally a promising but ultimately flat first season for the Rebels. His punishment for enjoying himself rather than licking his wounds after another thrashing was an extended stint on the sidelines. He returned with the promise of curbing his wicked ways, so of course was next seen 'with' Lara Bingle who knows a thing or two about bad boys (and wankers). Read more about Cipriani the legend, dickhead and wanker here.

CENTRES
Gene Fairbanks
Fairbanks is one of those players like Tom Carter who are destined to only ever play Super Rugby. Without the flair, natural athleticism or ability to ever make the Wallabies they hold a borderline spot in their provincial team, manage to keep it and do the job for a couple of years, then gradually fade back into oblivion (also known as club footy). Fairbanks moved from the Brumbies to the Force to try to break the mold, cement a starting a spot and further his career. He failed. He's still marginal as 2011 has proved.

Rob Horne
While for some players like Cliffy Palu, Phil Waugh and Rocky Elsom injuries are a fact of the twilight of their career, for others they define their career. Rob Horne has spent more time getting MRT scans than he has on the field for the Waratahs. Indeed type '"Rob Horne" injured' into google and you get 76,500 results. This was going to be the year Horne finally paid back all the good wishes, medical advice and patience of Tahs fans, coaches and support staff. It started promisingly enough. Horne actually got through two trial games and two regular season games before yet another elbow injury ended his season.

WINGERS
Dom Shipperley
The Queensland Reds showed class across the field in their championship season. In every position players excelled, and when injuries struck their replacements stepped up to the mark and in some cases proved so outstanding they held onto their starting spots. Dom Shipperley was not one of them. A handful of games as an injury sub and back to reserve grade each time the regular came back. It's not even known if Shipperley was invited to Suncorp Stadium last weekend.

Cameron Shepherd
See Palu, Waugh, Elsom...

FULLBACK
Peter Hynes
The find of 2010, Peter Hynes was set to capitalise in 2011 and ultimately take a Wallabies spot in their World Cup squad. It didn't quite go to plan, and in round 2 an already dodgy knee gave up the ghost and he hasn't been seen since.

Up to the Crusaders to Restore Sanity

2011-07-07T22:21:00.002+10:00

In the battle of the natural disasters the real natural disaster will be if Queensland win both the State of Origin and Super Rugby in the same week.

The natural order of things is for Queenslanders to have a chip on their shoulder the size of Bob Katter's hats. The underdog suits Queensland and as much as it's possible to find a stool small enough to sit under a dog they've milked it for all its worth.

Despite 6 straight State of Origin wins you can bet the Queenslanders next year will still hark back to Arthur Beetson's snubbing by the Kangaroos in 1971 (or whenever), while even if the Reds win the Super Rugby they'll probably still use the fact that no Queenslanders were included in the inaugral Wallabies team in 1914 or something (the team even wore blue).

But until this year New South Wales in the Rugby could rely on a well earned superiority complex borne out of the fact that New South Welshman are naturally superior in every Department. We're better looking, longer lasting and smarter. We're also a lot funnier as this blog proves.

If Queensland were to win the Super rugby the Waratahs may start to feel a little (just a smidgen mind you) inferior. That's just unnatural.

French Rugby Omens Mixed for Waratahs, Bad for France

2011-06-21T12:11:00.001+10:00

Rolling Maul contributor and Vienna resident The Michelin Man has been pondering if the finals series of the Top14 (the French domestic Rugby competition) can provide any clues to tipsters and punters on the likely results of the Super Rugby finals and the Rugby World Cup. After attending the final and partaking in the local customs (particularly of the beer and food varieties) he has this to say:

Consider this: The final of the Top 14 on 4 June was between Toulouse (which finished first on the table after the regular season) and Montpellier (which finished fifth). Does this mean that the Waratahs will make the final but lose it to the Reds?

If I have understood the workings of the finals system correctly, this could happen if both the Sharks and the Waratahs win this weekend, and then the Reds beat the Sharks and the Warathas beat the Stormers the following week. How unlikely is such a scenario?

There was a certain novelty in the Top14 final, since Montpellier had fought its way there from fifth place by winning two tight elimination games (think Tahs vs Highlanders and then Brumbies). Most people I talked to before the game said they wanted to see Montpellier win presumably as a reward for this feat and for the fact that they were in the finals for the first time in their history, but nevertheless thought that Toulouse would be too strong. Another possible link to the Super Rugby and the Waratahs? Perhaps not. Seems the Reds are the sentimental favourites in Australia.

Oddly there were still tickets available up to the start of the game. Someone suggested that this was because the Toulouse fans, so accustomed to their team playing in and winning big matches, were weary of travelling from their home base to other cities when, at least for them, the result was not seriously in doubt (particularly in this case when their team had easily beaten Clermont Ferrand (the champion in 2010) in the semi final).

There was a party atmosphere around the game, particularly on the kilometre and a half long walk from the railway station to the Stade de France – stalls selling beer, food and the usual team paraphernalia. Your correspondent got so caught up in the atmosphere that he cracked and bought an overpriced Montpellier cap. The merguez-frites sandwich is particularly recommended.

Your correspondent was struck by the number of groups having a ‘picknick’ around the stadium before the start of the game, including drinking lots of beer. This may have had something to do with the fact that beer is so expensive in Parisian bars/cafes. Anyway, not something I recall seeing in Australia.

The non-violent reputation of rugby fans was reconfirmed. No brawls, no riots, no juvenile stoushes between the supporters of the two teams. Unlike for football (socccer) matches, there was a minimal police presence. Your correspondent found himself in the middle of a group of Toulouse fans, but never felt threatened enough that he felt he had to take off his Montpellier cap.

There was a good atmosphere in the Stade de France, a lot of flag waving and chanting from both sides, a few failed Mexican waves. No cheerleaders, but at least some fireworks after the game (including a bizarre, almost apocalyptic, vision I had of some pyrotechnician running onto the field during the fireworks to fix a launcher – I thought I was going to witness a human barbeque).

As for the game itself, it wasn’t the most exciting of finals. Only one try was scored (a good one at least), by Montpellier in the first half, who were leading for most of the match but were gradually overhauled by the pressure and penalty kicking of Toulouse, who eventuially won 15-10. The cliché of the advantage of big match experience was mentioned.

So if the Top14 final provides mixed messages to the chances of the Waratahs in the Super rugby finals, what about France in the World Cup? Again, interpret it how you will. Whether it doesn’t provide any clues or France doesn’t have a chance, it's not looking good for France, but in the interests of domestic harmony (my wife is French), I will refrain from further comment. I just hope they play a more exciting type of rugby than what was on display at the Stade de France.

A Sydney Uni Fan Discovers The Force - and likes it (almost)

2011-06-14T14:06:00.006+10:00

The view from the not-so-cheap seats in Perth

Sydney University Rugby fan and Rolling Maul contributor Cricket Blogger ventured out from his new Perth residence to watch the Western Force at the old East Perth Ground last weekend for the first time. He was in turn shocked and pleasantly surprised by what he found, especially when it came to food (and Tom Carter).

As a rugby tragic it is a tough life in this "tight shorts and singlet" dominated town. Blogger and a visiting Sydney Uni Rugby Club fan warmed up by trying to find a pub that was showing the Waratahs vs Highlanders game. After a 4 pub search success of sorts was found. Around one small TV in a corner of the Inglewood Hotel were clustered a group of rugby tragics trying to satisfy their addiction. The big screen seemed to be focused on a strange game between two teams called cats and hawks.

“After recovering from the hour long trek in search of Perth’s version of rugby heaven by consuming glasses of liquid expelled by native birdlife (Swans, Emus) we watched that legend of centres score a hat trick of tries. Watching ‘a forward in backs clothing’ score a hat trick is a very rare occurrence, a bit like the Waratahs playing and winning pretty! Last time I saw a similar performance was the occasion when Tom Carter scored his 500th point for Sydney Uni in a game against Eastwood that had the scoreline at one time of 74-7! After the game we quizzed Tommie and he confirmed that the 500 points constituted 100 tries and no goals!

“Meanwhile back at the Super Rugby, we quickly walked the streets of Perth after the Waratahs wrapped up another win in front of a rapidly diminishing crowd at the SFS. The differences between the SFS and the NIB Stadium were quickly apparent.

“Firstly, the food choices are excellent and generally edible (for a footy ground) and the ground is a suburban ground that consists of one very small stand and the rest comprises temporary corporate boxes on stilts (quite comfortable and offer a unique view down the ground) and temporary seating over the rest of the ground. The joy of this ground is that you are very close to the action and you can almost feel the tackles. It is probably the closest you will get to Club Rugby at a Super Rugby ground.

“The ground capacity is not high but I would suggest that they probably had a larger crowd in Perth than at the SFS. They are unlike Waratahs fans in that the locals wear their Force colours with pride and they seem to actually like their local team. Admitting that you are from the "Eastern states" is not something that you mention in polite company over here; apparently we don't understand the Western Australians. On that note they are completely correct. AFL is everything bad about Rugby (fumbling, bumbling, weak tackles and too much kicking), ‘losing’ ugly and still supporting your team is acceptable, and coffee is more than $4 so when you buy a beer too and get change from a tenner you feel like you have won the lottery! But at least in the confines of NIB stadium the enthusiasm for rugby is real.

But back to the food - there are a plethora of stalls around the outside of the stands. You can choose from the usual stadium fare of burgers and chips, but they also offer pizzas (a Franchise Boys pizza - we made a bad choice all crust, tomato and little else), baked potatoes, doner kebabs (bit strange selling these before pub closing time but tasty all the same), strange African pastry stuffed dishes (fantastic), traditional South African BBQ and Bratwurst (excellent). As a watching and dining experience the NIB Stadium wins hands down.

Oh the Reds won on the bell with a try right in front of us. I guess they like the stadium too!

Injuries Ensuring Rugby is More Super Than Ever

2011-06-06T18:12:00.000+10:00

Who needs a salary cap or a player draft when you have injuries?

2011 has seen more upsets than any previous Super Rugby season and not just because there are more games. All the teams at the bottom of the ladder have won their fair share of games and all the teams at the top have lost plenty too and often to those at the bottom. Those in the middle are there for a good reason - they aren't consistent and struggle with limited superstars to shoulder the load (O'Connor, Giteau etc).

It's also no coincidence that this season has seen more injuries than any other season, and good ones too. Knees, elbows and ankles have all been seen pointing in directions they aren't intended to go. There have been more weak knees than are found at a Justin Bieber concert and more blurred vision than a weekend's full of bucks parties in Kings Cross.

A whole butcher shop diagram's worth or muscles, tendons, bones and joints have frequented medical rooms, hospital wards and ambulances. Physios and other rehab specialists have been kept gainfully employed, the world-wide supply of moon-boots is running low and any Australian, Kiwi or South African Rugby player capable of spending 10 minutes on the field without falling over is waiting for a phone call from their local Super Rugby coach to spend time on the bench.

Everyone loves a good upset (except when it's their team being upset) and the more upsets or potential for upsets the more interest generally. Crowds at Rebels, Cheetahs, Force, Highlanders and Lions matches have been excellent, while any supporter of a team playing the Waratahs, Blues, Crusaders or Bulls pays great attention knowing their team is in with a real chance.

As long as players of the calibre of Phil Waugh, Drew Mitchell, Cliffy Palu, Dan Carter, Richie McCaw, Cameron Shephard and a slew of South Africans contribute most to their teams performance by carrying water bottles and warming plastic bucket seats while wearing a suit, Super Rugby will continue to surprise. If your team isn't winning much then just wait for nature to take its course.

Survival of the fittest is fine if you're a Galapagos Tortoise but when it comes to Super Rugby the struggles of the best ensure chances for the rest.

Not Tonight Dear - I Have Waratahs Supporters Migraine

2011-05-30T23:01:00.002+10:00

Health authorities are reported to be considering advising Waratahs supporters to limit their viewing of Waratahs matches to small doses if they are to avoid debilitating bouts of Waratahs Supporters Migraine.

Incidents of Waratahs Supporters Migraine, or WSM, are increasing across New South Wales. As the Waratahs continue to lose matches they should win, fall asleep after half-time, drop balls with the line open, and kick good possession away and down the throats of the opposition, the incidents are also becoming more frequent and more painful.

Associated sypmtoms include depression, nausea, stress and bouts of screaming at the television.WSM also has elements of periodic pains as supporters in groups are known to suffer at the exact same moment. This can be recognised amongst the sufferers by the hand not carrying the beer glass being slapped against the forehead at the instance the pain hits.

Severe cases of WSM are associated with memory loss, though this is the only positive symptom known.

WSM is contagious. Unaffected Waratahs supporters have been known to contract WSM when in close proximity to carriers, usually during post-match analyses. Unique to WSM, it can also be transmitted electronically or in print, often via internet forums, in chat rooms, and by Greg Growden in the Sydney Morning Herald.

Sufferers of WSM are advised to watch the Queensland Reds or Canterbury Crusaders or limit their viewing of Waratahs matches to the first 10 minutes.

All Waratahs supporters are advised to not, under any circumstances, view The Code on Foxtel on Thursday nights at 9:30pm. It sucks.

Danny Cipriani - Genius, Wanker, Legend

2011-05-12T21:48:00.000+10:00

Danny Cipriani plays Rugby the way it was meant to be played. An aesthetic feast for all supporters who like to marvel at sleight-of-hand, speed, cheekiness and shocking defense, which in itself has admirable cringe-worthiness. Cipriani exhibits the same qualities of the field too as his latest adventures prove.

By spending another night on the town and missing training the next day, Cipriani was rewarded with a ban from the team tour to South Africa. Cipriani once again comes up trumps. Not only does he get to miss the delights of Pretoria* (is to South Africa what Canberra is to Australia) and Bloemfontein* (think a cross between Port Kembla and Broken Hill) but he gets to spend more time in Melbourne propping up the bar in his local watering hole.

Back way back when, such behaviour from your team superstar would have been regarded as run-of-the mill. Indeed in the days before sports psychologists, to take your teammates out on the piss was a right-of-passage as younger players were initiated into the team culture and bonds of mateship were formed while urinating against the wall of the local fish-and-chip shop at 3am or making sure the winger who couldn't really handle his alcohol didn't swallow his tongue after passing out or drown in the toilet after yet another hurl.

It's not like Cipriani was beating up taxis (Jeremy Paul, Matt Dunning), kicking quokkas (Scott Fava, Matt Henjak) taking girls up to his room (Lote Tuqiri), snorting something he shouldn't be snorting (Wendell Sailor), or getting his face sliced open after a brawl in the men's room at Darling Harbour (Brendan Cannon). Indeed such average drinking and staying out late antics are the kind of thing you'd ground your 15 year-old daughter for, not a grown man who, alcoholic or not, was not breaking any laws or harming anyone but himself (though mainly only his liver).

Cipriani has made the most of his highly-paid working holiday. As he leaves these shores at the end of the season as he undoubtedly will, lets just hope that wherever he ends up his off -field talents will be as well appreciated as his on-field ones and he gets to spend the rest of his professional career in an environment in which he is happy, productive and a winner, even if that's third-grade subbies in some run-down outer suburb of some industrial city in England's midlands. Such a team would deserve Cipriani as much as he deserves them.

*The Rolling Maul has never actually been there.

A Tale of Two Match Reviews

2011-04-26T09:03:00.000+10:00

Depending upon your dedication to all things Rugby, your appreciation of the finer intricacies of the game and your understanding of the black arts of scrimmage, last weekend's match between the Queensland Reds and the NSW Waratahs was either the greatest thing in sport since William Webb Ellis thought to himself "Bugger this for a joke" or the most tedious thing in sport since the last soccer World Cup which was the most tedious thing in sport since the previous World Cup etc etc.

The Rolling Maul watched an intense battle between two fired up teams. Trench warfare where each centimetre could only be won by the taking of no prisoners, incurring vast numbers of your own casualties, and the spilling of lots of blood (and speaking of which if you want to see what happened to Drew Mitchell's leg and what the results were click here - warning: it's awesome). The Maul saw tactics and battle plans and "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu wrought large on the footy field.

But others with only a passing interest in Rugby or with less patience or the intellectual capacity to appreciate the finer point of the game (let's call them Rugby League fans) have indicated they watched a dour and boring struggle between two snorting packs of mindless rhinos determined to outdo each other in the penalty stakes, where negative play triumphed over a lack of imagination and even Quade Cooper (except for taking advantage of the defensive lapse to end all defensive lapses) was reduced to that of an error ridden incompetent. Where has beens and never wases proved they really weren't up to the task and apart from dented egos the most serious injuries on the night were as a result of accident or poor technique.

And therein lies the dilemma for Rugby; appeal to the masses or the converted. In Rugby's efforts to be attractive to everyone the rules have been tinkered with sometimes to the extreme (such as the ELVs and the embracing of 7s), marketing has focussed on more attractive members of the playing fraternity (ie backs) and tournaments have been developed to satisfy the demands of television rather than the preferences of spectators (Super Rugby).

Commentators have celebrated the brutalness of the Reds - Tahs match (yes Greg Growden, we're talking about you) but they should realise that their blinkered view of the game from the perfect media seats right on halfway may not match those catching the occasional glimpse on (cable only) TV in the pub or sitting in the cheap seats.

Players on the park too might want to contemplate the fact that if your forwards aren't doing the job no matter how much you perceive the dominance of your pack, and when you have a star-studded, young, imaginative and highly-paid backline then it may satisfy all sorts of tactical, technical and aesthetic requirements to spin the ball wide occasionally rather than spend 15 minutes parked on the opposition's tryline.

Rugby - The 'Fine' Points

2011-04-12T07:52:00.026+10:00

When the Brumbies lost to the Rebels a couple of weeks back despite outscoring them three tries to one it triggered a torrent of debate about the relative value of a try in Rugby. But amongst all the squealing for more points for tries or less for penalties and field goals an important factor was missed - penalising boring play on the scoreboard and rewarding exciting play.

So the Rolling Maul presents a Rugby scoring system that will enliven the game, keep the ball in hand, and bring back the crowds (especially those who like calculators anyway)...

- Try scored from first phase play (scrum, lineout, kick return etc) - 100 points
- Try scored from second phase - 95 points
- Try scored from third phase - 90 points
- And so on - for example a try after 10 phases of boring pick and drive and pointless charges at the gain line will only be worth 50 points. This will encourage players to avoid being tackled and throw the ball around, encourage daring sweeping backline movements, invention and creativity.
- Try scored from a kick (any kick) - as above minus 20 points. The bomb is a blight on the game and makes - Rugby look like League. So do grubber kicks into the in-goal area. Treat them accordingly.
- Conversion from right in front - 10 points. Move along - nothing to see here.
- Conversion from between the posts and the 5 metre line from the side - 15 points. Should get these.
- Conversion from the sideline (the channel) - 25 points. Nice one.
- Penalty kick from within the 22 - 10 points. We haven't paid good money to watch you bend over and stare at the sticks before trying to outstare the Gilbert.
- Penalty kick from between the 22 and half way - 20 points.
- Penalty kick from beyond half way - 30 points. OK, that's impressive.
- Field goal from within the 22 - 2 points. If you can't score a try from here you don't deserve much credit.
- Field goal from between the 22 and half way - 10 points. Yeah big deal.
- Field goal from beyond half way - 25 points. Wow.
- Win a scrum or lineout on the first set - 10 points. Not only will this encourage scrums to pack properly but all lineouts will be contested. Not contesting lineouts is cowardly and weak, an admittance of defeat. You want the points, jump.
- Win a scrum or lineout on the second set (after a reset) - 5 points
- Win a scrum or lineout on the third set (after another reset) - 1 point
- Win a scrum or lineout after more than 2 resets - tough. You don't deserve any points for that appalling behaviour and lack of technique.
- Cause a scrum to collapse or be reset (as determined by the referee) - minus 10 points. Nothing is more boring in Rugby than lost minutes for scrum resets.
- Kick out on the full - minus 5 points (yep, even from within your 22). Rugby is a ball in hand game.
- Knock-on - minus 1 point (the penalty for causing a scrum) - would be more but the Waratahs on a bad day could lose 100 points this way as it is.
- Forward pass - minus 2 points for stupidity.
- Having cheerleaders - 20 points
- Scoring a cheerleader(!) - 100 points
- Singing the National Anthem - 1 point per player that sings

Australian Rugby - The Race to the Bottom

2011-03-21T23:23:00.000+11:00

Only in Australia can Rugby teams fight to outdo each other in inconsistency, ineptitude, incompetence and incomprehensibility. A couple of the Super Rugby teams may have won on the weekend but the quality of the opposition gives no hope for optimism. Indeed the only real question is: Are Australian teams crawling over each other in a pathetic race to the bottom or are they there already?

Exhibit 1 - The Rebels
New teams tend to ride on emotion. But emotion is hard work and girls do it better. When men get emotional there's something pathetic about it. It's one thing to high-five a mate but crying is best left on the soccer field.

Emotion is also easiest in front of those you love. So while a bloke might show emotion to his wife or his best mate after 8 beers he'll never do it in front of the boss.

In sporting terms, think home team. Thousands of your best mates and family all willing you on and sharing in your triumphs or failures. Take that away and what have you get? The Rebels. Great at home (forget round 1 - that was the equivalent of a virgin struggling to undo the bra straps in the front seat of the car in the dark), rubbish away. Injuries are just a convenient excuse.

The conspiracy theory is that the Rebels are an ARU plant to ensure other Australian teams get 5 points each time they play them, thus rigging the conference system in their favour. If only it were so simple.

Exhibit 2 - The Brumbies
The ultimate in Rugby nepotism, appoint your mates to all the plum positions and when the coach takes exception get rid of him. The only real problem that the Brumbies face, and the reason why it's all gone to shit, is that they simply haven't taken the concept far enough. Anyone can appoint a former player, it takes real guts to appoint a current player.

If Matt Giteau wants to do all the post-match coach-talk then let him coach the team. If Adam Ashley-Cooper want to be in with the Board, then appoint him as General Manager. If Rocky Elsom wants to spend a season with his feet up under the pretense of an injury, then let him be Brumby Jack.

Exhibit 3 - The Waratahs
Full marks to the Waratahs in their never ending quest to make the hearts of their fans so hard that the concept of hope, never mind the chance of it, is as unlikely as a perfect kicking record from the Tahs in any given match.

Indeed given the high frequency of Kurtley Beales kick-and-chases recently, the desperate move he uses when the plan B that was talked about never materialises, it's no surprise that most Waratahs fans have reached the Simpsons miscomprehending 'blink into nothingness' pose the writers use when they have nothing better to fill a pregnant pause with.

The real question is why do we bother? Surely we are a state full of masochists, which would make the players sadists.

So if erotic is the feathers and kinky is the whole chicken then where does that leave the Waratahs and their fans? Punch-drunk. Muhammad Ali isn't the only boxer to emerge from years of headknocks in a state of semi-aware bliss and needing someone else to tie his shoelaces. Waratahs supporters are much the same. Taking the blows, ducking and weaving, taking the standing eight counts and spitting blood into buckets. And loving it.

Exhibit 4 - The Reds
After historic record-breaking wins against the Brumbies and the Rebels you'd think Rugby supporters north of the border would be rubbing their hands in glee. But wiser heads note that defeating the Brumbies is like sleeping with your sister. It may feel good at the time but in the cold light of day you know it's just wrong and that nothing worthwhile has been achieved.

Similarly, but not in an incestuous sort of way, the Will Genia - Quade Cooper partnership may appear to be something magical and special, but like all magic tricks the reality is something more benign. The Cooper jink is the equivalent of the hole in the floor of the stage, while the Genia flick-pass is no more exciting than the old pea in the cups routine. Other teams may have been fooled once and dumbfounded twice, but three times with the mirror trick is stretching it for even the slowest prop.

That Cooper now has to rely on his kicking game and drop back to fullback so reliable are his tackling attempts is proof enough that desperate times have called for desperate measures, but you could put Cooper in row J and he still won't be able to hide once the Reds come up against the big boys from across the ditches.

Exhibit 5 - The Force
The only thing saving the Force from total humiliation is that they got rid of Matt Giteau. Clearly their no dickheads policy has had some effect though Cameron Shephard is still driving drunk and Nick Cummins and Sam Wykes are still doing each others hair.

Other than that there's little to cheer about west of everywhere important. As the masters of the moral victory, the Force have racked up more morals than a United Nations full of Libyan defectors. A win on the road against the lowly Lions is nothing to cheer about even if sticking it up the old coach was a whole lot of fun for the players.

But as long as Matt Dunning is still employed to cheer the Force from the bench every second game or the stands when injured every other game then there is always comic relief. Thank for the Force, for without 5 minutes every two weeks of Matt Dunning's red and straining cheeks and bulging two sizes too small jersey there'd be no reason to watch Australian Rugby at all.

It's Official: The Brumbies are Rubbish

2011-03-13T22:04:00.005+11:00

It may be too early to dance on the grave of the Brumbies, but for all those long suffering Australian Rugby Union fans in New South Wales and Queensland who looked on as the ACT established the closest thing we've ever had to an arrogance borne of success, this is pretty sweet.

The concept of the Brumbies one day officially being garbage crept up last season but no one really believed it.

At the beginnning of this season it looked like a hiccup. But of course hiccups are damn difficult things to get rid of. It's now fully fledged and confirmed. The Brumbies really are crap.

Matt Giteau went public saying they were lazy but refusing to name names. Expect the public slanging match to start soon. Coaches will leak the names of players they want to sack. Players will leak the names of other players they don't like. The administrators won't leak anything but that's because they couldn't organise a piss-up in a brothel. OK so that's a mixed metaphor but an apt one because the Brumbies are fucked.

Matt Giteau may be the acting captain of the Brumbies but clearly he's not a captain of the leading by example variety. His example has been less than inspirational, less George Gregan two steps backwards than crab-like two steps sideways. And don't even mention his kicking which is so ordinary he makes Berrick Barnes look good. So he's on shaky ground as a public representative.

The game passed Giteau by about two years ago. It sped up, did a couple of sideways jinks, chipped, chased and grew a full head of hair before shaving its chest and planting the ball in the corner. Giteau's faux hawk is so 2008 and so is his playing style. In getting rid of the blonde highlights he also seems to have lost his pizazz.

So sack as many real coaches as you want Brumbies and hire as many unqualified former players and drinking buddies to the coaching staff as you can find. It won't help. This fish isn't rotting from the head it's rotting from the guts, and only a complete disemboweling can remove the stench. Fortunately, a few more shocking losses and public machinations and the rib cage will be exposed for all to see.

The Brumbies will get better eventually, but in the meantime they deserve a few quick kicks to the goolies to release years of pent-up frustration from Waratahs and Reds fans. When they do get better let's just hope they still fill the pain in the gonads and will have learnt something from the episode that led to the tears.