The Rolling Maul

Kings and Cheetahs moving to Europe: Why it will end in tears

2017-08-06T19:38:00.001+10:00

The South African rugby board have decided to appease some old blokes in suits to let two defunct duds of teams move to Europe.

South Africa didn't have enough depth or interest to support 6 Super Rugby teams, so instead of combining them into 4 stronger teams, they've decided to prolong their pain by making their lives even more complicated

Lets break this down

Generic Kings image

The Good

Nothing. Nothing good can come from this, except appeasing a few fans left in their minor provinces

The Bad

These two teams are as bad as it comes. So letting them keep playing bad rugby is as bad as an idea as it gets

The Ugly

So now South African rugby fans have to worry about two fixtures, even more travel and somehow find money to pay for it amongst fans that are already disinterested. How much more ugly can this get?

Generic Cheetahs image

OK, so lets look at some possible scenarios:

1) Most likely - They get flogged in Europe

Fans are still disinterested, Other Super rugby teams are still weak and they are out of money

2) Less likely - They dominate or at least hold their own

The other European teams come in, take the best players for (relative) megabucks (outpacing the weak rand) - leaving SA rugby even weaker. The other SA teams are still diluted, but now the players at the other franchises are more likely to leave to play in Europe. The European competition will be shown up for the joke that it is.

South Africa needs to get back to what it does best - stacking a single side with their best players at the expense of all their others sides - which means - the less, the better!

If you enjoyed this article then search for:

Super Rugby 18 team expansion: Why it will end in tears
Rebels join Super Rugby: Why it will end in tears
Super 12 now 14: Why it will end in tears
William Webb Ellis picks up the ball and runs: Why it will end in tears

And look out for my next follow up article next year:

Super Rugby's renewed 15 side comp - why it all ended in tears

20 Amazing Rugby Trivia Facts That Will Blow Your Mind

2016-09-06T23:47:00.000+10:00

If the Sydney Morning Herald is any guide, then the secret to a successful website is loading it full of clickbait. And the secret to successful clickbait is a heading featuring a number, the word 'Amazing' and an over the top phrase such as 'Blow Your Mind'. So this being a Rugby blog, here's the Rolling Maul's contribution to the world of sports trivia presented for no other reason than to increase traffic to this blog.

Having said, that, these are pretty amazing...

1) The first international rugby match was in 1871 between Scotland and England. It was a 20-a-side game. The English team wore all white with a red rose on their shirts and the Scots wore brown shirts with a thistle and white cricket flannels. Scotland won one goal (from a conversion) to nil.

2) The greatest New Zealand cricket batsman of all time (well, potentially until Kane Williamson came along), Martin Crowe, featured at wing in a schoolboy rep team coached by Graham Henry, one of the most successful Rugby coaches of all time, and that had Grant Fox, former All Black five-eighth and the Dan Carter of his era, at No 10.

3) Brumbies prop Allan Alaalatoa was named after Alan Border, former Australian cricket captain, who retired the week the ‘Buy a Consonant’ man was born. His Dad and another Brumbies prop Scott Sio’s Dad played for Samoa in the 1991 Rugby World Cup. And another Brumbies prop Leslie Leulua’iali’i-Makin has the best name ever!

4) William Gilbert was a shoemaker who lived near Rugby School. He fashioned the first balls from inflated pigs bladders, which take on a distinctive oblong oval shape when fully inflated.

5) Wallabies winger Drew Mitchell holds the official Guinness World Record for most apples crushed with the bicep in one minute.

6) No player with a surname beginning with Z has ever played for New South Wales (or X for that matter).

7) Stan Wickham (1895-1906) holds the Waratahs record of 5 for most goals from a mark (the last goal from a mark in a first-class match was kicked by All Black Kit Fawcett for Waikato against Wairarapa on 10th September 1977). By comparison, the record for most field goals for the Waratahs is only 9 held by Mark Ella (including 3 in one match – also a record).

8) There is no word for "Rugby" in Mandarin. In China the Chinese call Rugby “Olive Ball” due to the shape of the ball.

9) The longest Rugby game in history took place on October 7, 2011 and lasted for 24 hours, 30 minutes and 6 seconds. The contest was between the Mali Lions and Congleton Bears clubs. The Lions won 894-715.

10) The first rugby sevens tournament was held in 1883. The Melrose Sevens is still held annually at Melrose in Scotland. Randwick won the tournament in 1990.

11) The New Zealand 1905 touring team to the Northern Unions performed a haka before each match, leading Welsh Rugby Union administrator Tom Williams to suggest that Wales player Teddy Morgan lead the crowd in singing the Welsh National Anthem, Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau, as a response. After Morgan began singing, the crowd joined in: the first time a national anthem was sung at the start of a sporting event.

12) New Zealander Michael Jones scored the opening try of the tournament at both the 1987 and 1991 Rugby World Cups.

13) Fiji’s first overseas match was in Apia, Samoa, in August 1924 while the team was on its way to Tonga. The match was played at 7am to allow Samoan opponents time to get to work afterwards and was played on a pitch with a large tree on the halfway line. Fiji played in all black and won 6-0. Only Fiji, New Zealand, Wales, Samoa, Tonga and the Cook Islands claim Rugby as their principal sport. In 1938 Fijians played in boots for the first time in honour of the first New Zealand Maori team to visit Fiji.

The true Rugby enthusiast's car

14) The Rugby was a brand of automobile assembled by the Durant Motors Company of New York City, New York (USA). Beside badges and right hand drive for some models, the vehicle was identical to Durant's Star car, and was assigned to export markets by Durant Motors, due to the name Star being under copyright by The Star Motor Company in the British Commonwealth. The Rugby was built from 1923 (Star: 1922) and production ended in 1928 together with the Star.

Che Guevara dreaming of
revolutionising back line play

15) • Che Guevara was a medical student at the University of Buenos Aires in Argentina when he developed a love of Rugby. An enthusiastic fly-half, Guevara played several seasons of club rugby before being distracted by a belief that he had to change the world.
• Idi Amin was a better than average Rugby forward. Amin discovered the game while serving with the King’s African Rifles in East Africa during the British colonial era in the 1950s. In 1964, the British Dominion Office described Amin as " . . . a splendid type and a good rugby player . . . he is virtually bone from the neck up and needs things explained in words of one letter".
• In 1968, George W Bush played in the Yale First XV. Sports Illustrated even has pictures to prove it.

16) • The Amman Rugby Club play on the floor of the Dead Sea. The pitch, whose surface is soft sand, lies 385 metres below sea level.
• In 1978 in Russia, Krasnoyarsk played Polyechnika Alma when the temperature was minus 23 degrees Celsius. To overcome the chill, the players wore balaclavas, gloves and several tracksuits.

17) The only jointly awarded international try was scored by the Welsh players Howie Jones and Harry Peacock in a Test match against Ireland in 1930. The referee was unable to work out which player grounded the ball, so the try was awarded to both of them.

18) William Webb Ellis was a very good cricketer, winning a cricket blue (although the term was not used then) and batting at number 3 for Oxford at Lords Cricket ground. He scored 12 runs.

19) In the first ever Rules of Rugby, drawn up on 25 August 1845 by three senior pupils at Rugby School, a match was considered to be drawn after five days, but after three is no goal has been kicked.

20) The New Zealand side that toured Australia in 1897 introduced the idea of enabling spectators to identify players by placing numbers on their backs. The numbers used on that tour were 1 to 15 (from full-back to the forwards) for New Zealand and 16 to 30 for the host teams.

Burst Bubbles and Dawning Reality - Super Rugby's 8 greatest disappointments

2016-03-28T22:37:00.000+11:00

That sound you hear is the thud of Super Rugby teams coming down to earth. It’s what occurs when the helium-like inflation of expectation becomes overwhelmed by the gravity of reality. This usually occurs at dawn.

The effects of gravity when in the stratosphere can be barely perceived. But the inevitable plunge of a Super Rugby team to earth caused by poor results and on and off field dramas, gathers pace, accelerating and accelerating until nothing can slow the team's descent. It doesn’t matter if the coach is jettisoned or underperforming players are off loaded, the debris scattering the fields at the end of the season's plunge to earth will be testament to the false hopes and dreams of players, fans and the media.

So who are the greatest disappointments and where are the biggest burst bubbles? Here's the top 8...

8 Kings

Expectations were exceedingly low to begin with, so to not have even reached those is some achievement. The Kings are conceding an average of 50 points per match.

7 Waratahs

New coach but same superstar players (mostly) and the Cheika legacy to carry them through. Round 1 smashed the Reds. Then it went pear shaped. And their only other win was over the - well, Reds. But only just. Not panic stations, but getting close.

6 Rebels

The new force (small 'f') in Australian Rugby supposedly with a bunch of young players starting to hit their sweet spot. Narrow victories over the Reds and Force and hammering the Subwolves (pun intended) turned out to be a false dawn. and when you look where those teams sit on the ladder it's no surprise the Highlanders massively outclassed them.

5 Jaguares

This was the nearly full-strength international team that was going to storm the competition with flair and an exciting brand of Rugby that carried them to the Word Cup semi finals. A first up win had everyone talking semi finals but of the Super Rugby variety. But nothing since. Welcome to first grade!

Something Mickey Mouse
about Japanese Rugby

4 Sunwolves

The Sunwolves season so far has been a bigger roller coaster then anything found at Tokyo Disneyland. Loss (by plenty), followed by Loss (by 1 point), Loss (hammered) and another Loss (by 3 points). For every spectacular Yamada try there is also a false dawn (rising sun style of course).

Force back row. Too static!

3 Force

Steady low risk Rugby is a tactic designed to eliminate errors and minimise your opponents attacking options. Sun Tzu no doubt had something to say on the matter, and no doubt Force coach Michael Foley is an admirer. But Sun Tzu also had thousands of Chinese warrior at his disposal. Foley has now seen his team lose heavily three times in a row. Time to entomb his warriors and wait for better days.

2 Blues

New coach Tana Umaga was the great hope who was going to reinstall pride and purpose and demonstrate that previously coach John Kirwan was a hopeless joke. After Round 1 he looked like a genius when the Blues scored a gutsy tough win against the champion Highlanders. Then it went pear-shaped, hitting rock bottom when the coach sent out the signal to his troops to settle for a draw against the lowly Reds. The boos were heard all over Auckland.

1 Reds

When a sporting team sacks their coach mid season you often get a 'bounce' as the players, embracing the refreshing new atmosphere and the success of their public campaign to undermine their previous leader, seek to impress the new boss. Not this time. The Reds 2 coaches for the price of 1 offer has only resulted in even more heartache. Sometimes it's better to lose by 20 than 1. At least you know you didn't blow it because you never had a chance.

10 Observations from the Sydney Rugby 7s

2016-02-08T22:52:00.001+11:00

I haven't really watched a lot of Rugby 7s. That's because at the end of the day I'm a sports snob. Test Cricket, 15-a-side Rugby and grand slam or David Cup tennis only. Throw in the Olympics so that I can enjoy becoming an expert at every obscure sport I'd never otherwise watch (hockey, luge, athletics, volleyball (not beach volleyball of course) water polo etc) and that's about it.

So when the Rugby 7s circus arrived in Sydney and pitched its tent at the Sydney Football Stadium then I was naturally reluctant to roll up even if I knew the clowns might amuse me in an awkward scary sort of way. But roll up I did. Here's 10 things I discovered...

1) Forwards are to Rugby 7s as bowlers are to Twenty20 cricket. They're redundant

Not 7s. Not even close.

Twenty20 cricket is all about hitting 6s and and Rugby 7s is all about scoring tries. Even my six-year old son the next day, after watching a few matches on TV because Daddy was there, said it was too easy to score tries. If you like big fat blokes butting heads and pushing, 7s isn't for you. Nonetheless...

2) ... real Rugby does break out occassionally
Alas this tends to be only when the better teams play each other. There is a massive standard discrepancy between the top and bottom teams. All the bottom teams choose fit fast guys and look to score as many tries as possible. As a result they hold off in defence and are reactive, This just creates space and results in more tries being conceded. The better teams are structured in defence and attack, recognise the importance of dominating the midfield and are dynamic in their tackling, reducing the space of the attacking team. It's why New Zealand were all over Fiji for example. Australia even employed positional kicking to slow the ball game and use lineouts as an attacking ploy to defeat South Africa in the most technically interesting match of the tournament.

3) Without Fiji there is no Rugby 7s

Any Rugby 7s tournament anywhere

The heart and soul of 7s lives in Fiji. They were the first country to take it seriously, recognise its benefits and ingratiate into their Rugby ethos. Or maybe it was the other way round. Either way, possibly half the crowd were Fijian. Seriously, this must have been Sydney's entire Fijian population. Their flags and jerseys were everywhere and they received the biggest cheers. The good news. After Fiji were knocked out they supported Australia.

Tom Jones - Rugby 7s all time favourite

4) The loud amd shit music
The incessant fucking loud MUSIC. OK, fair enough, between matches and even at half time we can sing and dance and generally act like idiots. But why does there need to be loud music at every break in play. Every scrum set, every lineout, every pause in the 'action'. For a sport that sells itself on its social off-field elements there's a lot you can't do when you can't here the bloke next to you. Not only that but the music was shit. Probably 95% of the music was over 20 years old. How is Rugby going to sell itself to the next generation when all the music is geared to my demographic (45+)? Classic hits from the 60s, 70s and 80s. Anyone under 20 would have concluded that Rugby is doing a timewarp again. Actually that's one song they didn't play.

5) The consolation crockery

Rugby 7 trophies on display

Is there any other sport where there's a trophy for coming 13th (Wales claiming the shield - not really a shield, for one thing it was made of glass - completely useless in battle), but nothing for coming 4th? Even 5th place and 9th place got something. Argentina got the plate (not even of the 'I went to Sydney...' variety with the opera house and some wattle) and Canada scored the bowl (at least it was big enough for some fruit but would have been better if Samoa had won it - would have been a perfect kava bowl).

6) Mid-strength beer
Speaking of turn offs, the media spin might have you believe that the crowd was going mental but the reality was that it was vastly and mostly boringly well behaved and probably quiet though who would know what with all that shit old music. Blame that on the lack of full-strength beverages. And at almost $8 for a plastic cup (maximum 2 per person) of beer flavoured water I certainly didn't get drunk and foolish but I did get well hydrated and made lots of trips to the toilet.

7) What fancy dress?

Probably a 7s fan. Or a player.
Would certainly be Speedy enough!

Again, another example of media spin ignoring the reality. Sure there were popes and school girls and Trumps and air hostesses and minions and lego men. But they were massively outnumbered by the national team jerseys and sombreros which seems to be the accepted standard uniform of the 7s fan with a lack of imagination. Pretty much like any Rugby crowd. Except for the sombreros.

8) Is 7s a 'thing'?
Probably not. Sydney loves a bandwagon (Waratahs, Wanderers, Swans, Thunder - basically anyone who's winning) and a bit of hype. But credit where credit's due, the ARU nailed this tournament's media and marketing. But much like the A-league or the Swans or the Big Bash (just wait, you'll see) it only takes a couple of years for the gloss to wear off and the calls to start up for free to air coverage, cheaper tickets, marquee players, rule changes etc etc. Perhaps the trick is to move the tournament around and maybe that's what happening - Adelaide then Gold Coast then Sydney. Just wait Launceston - your turn will come.

9) Rugby's saviour?
Also probably not. The reality is that we found out how big Sydney's Rugby community is when 61,00 watched the Tahs win Super Rugby. 70,000 came to the 7s over two days and the reality is that the vast majority were already die-hard Rugby fans who had bought into the Hong Kong experience at home. It's very unlikely there'll be any impact on Waratah, Wallaby, Club Rugby or NRC crowds. If anything they'll be less after everyone wasted all their money on all that crap watery beer. If Rugby wants to increase in popularity it needs to cater more to the grass roots at suburban level to lock those kiddies in and worry less about the top end showpieces.

10) ?#$*^%! Kiwis

All Blacks Haunt the Wallabies - Well it was Halloween

2015-11-03T21:57:00.000+11:00

English forward pack still hungry - for brains

Two days after the final and the dust has finally settled on the Rugby World Cup, even if England's post-mortems continue almost a month after the brutal murder (there isn't going to be a zombie resurrection even if the final was held on Halloween. The apocalypse is here. Get used to it).

Nonetheless, the Rolling Maul is still so very very tired. Not tired of Rugby mind you, and the lack of sleep isn’t an issue either (English readers finding it difficult to watch the final should just be grateful they didn't have to watch it at 3am).

No, just tired of the constant bleating from everyone Australian who has anything to do with Rugby about how this is the greatest All Blacks team ever. And of course, so the reasoning goes, they must be the best ever because they beat our Wallabies who are the best of either the last 12 or 18 months, or is it since 2003 or maybe 1999?

And for further justification, all those same Aussie pundits use as evidence that World Rugby awarded coach of the year to Michael Cheika (really) even if Dan Carter got player of the year but somehow despite David Pocock being rated player of the Rugby World Cup by just about everyone (not to mention he being the most perfect thing since William Webb Ellis refused to roll away and got yellow carded, so setting in motion what we now refer to as that other all-time legend and now nice guy Richie McCaw).

Anyway, at least the World Cup provided plenty of opportunities for some creative Halloween costumes. Yes, even in Australia, Halloween has arrived big time from over the Pacific. In inner west Sydney, where the Rolling Maul resides, it’s all a bit mental. Plagues of kids wander the streets searching for their next sugar hit while dealers openly parade their wares.

So favourite observed costumes? Count Pocock (think black eyes, bleeding nose, tissues up the nostrils, cape and fangs) and The Ghost of English Rugby (think the Poms after they lost to the Wallabies – no make-up required really – they are English so are already white enough).

Quote of the post-tournament: "Some people are on a mission in life. They achieve greatness, save the planet, resolve global poverty and dominate the breakdown." Mike Aylwin in The Guardian talking about everyone's favourite player of the tournament.

Wallaby Bloodbath

2015-10-27T19:36:00.001+11:00

Never give up. Never Surrender.

Just like the knight in The Holy Grail, the Wallabies kept ignoring their flesh wounds and carried on fighting until the enemy gave up.

David Pocock -
the Wallabies Black Knight

Blood poured from the Wallabies just like the good old days. Sure there’s a blood bin, but everyone knows this isn’t the 1980s and you can’t catch a thing from an open wound.

Indeed, just like the good old days, if you don’t have a broken nose, missing teeth, one arm hanging limply by your side and tissues stuffed up your nostrils to stem the flow of blood then you really haven’t put in.

And sure, Drew Mitchell might have beaten eight defenders, half the spectators, an ice cream boy named Terry and the family dog on the way to passing forward to Adam Ashley-Cooper for the winning try, but just like a good winger at the end of the day the only blood on him was somebody else’s.

With Wallabies like these, the only problem come finals time might be vampires attracted by the smell. It will be a night game after all.

Rugby World Cup 2015 Tipping and Betting Guide Part 3 - The Real Contenders

2015-09-15T23:04:00.002+10:00

Click here for Part 1 - the Minnows
Click here for Part 2 - the 'Second Tier'

The reality is, there are only a handful of nations with a chance of winning the Rugby World Cup. Or maybe there's only one - New Zealand. It really depends on your state of delusion.

Highly delusional people outside of New Zealand point to the All Blacks' poor World Cup record outside of New Zealand. And that's about it. There isn't any other factor pointing to anything other than the All Blacks lifting the Webb Ellis Trophy at the end of the tournament.

Slightly delusional people use phrases such as 'on their day', 'impact players' and 'anything can happen in the knock-out phase'.

But for the rest of us who don't live in la-la land, anything less than an All Blacks victory will be a shock, but a very pleasant one. Unless England win of course.

So who are these pretenders to the All Blacks crown? And what of the All Blacks themselves?...

ARGENTINA
Nickname(s): Los Pumas (the Pumas)
Emblem(s): Jaguar (you read correctly - Argentinian Rugby has a big cat identity crisis)

Argentina can't have too many big cats

Rugby World Cups: 7
RWC wins: 30
RWC losses: 15
What we've learned from their website: The 'Fans' section is just a bunch of wallpaper. But at least they have something. Most nations have nothing. Yet most Super Rugby teams have extensive fan sections including blogs, videos, fan day info, marketing and cheerleaders (if you're lucky). Who knows why? Leave a comment if you have any insights.
Odds: $81
Value: Awesome. This is a team that finished third at the 2007 World Cup in France and made the Quarter-Final in 2011. They've just come off a Rugby Championship that included a win against the Springboks - in South Africa. The only nation the Pumas haven't beaten is the All Blacks - who are in their Pool. OK, so a Pool victory is unlikely, but with Tonga, Georgia and Namibia also in their Pool, a QF spot is on the cards. Then anything could happen in the knock-out phase on their day given the number of impact players they have!

WALES
Emblem(s): The Prince of Wales's feathers (seriously)

Wales' number one ticket holder on
hearing the news about Leigh Halfpenny

Rugby World Cups: 7
RWC wins: 18
RWC losses: 14
What we've learned from their website: Wales haven't beaten Australia since 2008, a streak of 10 matches. Matt Giteau played that day, scoring a penalty goal, a conversion and a drop goal. Drew Mitchell and Stephen Moore also started while Dean Mumm and Quade Cooper were on the bench.
Odds: $21
Value: You've got to be kidding. How is Argentina $81 and Wales $21? Not only that, but after Leigh Halfpenny busted his kicking bone in a warm-up match, missing the entire World Cup as a result, Wales' odds didn't shift. Madness is a Welsh supporter putting his money where his singing hole is.

FRANCE
Nickname(s): Les Bleus; Les Tricolores

How to tip or punt on France

Emblem(s): Gallic rooster
Rugby World Cups: 7
RWC wins: 30
RWC draws: 1
RWC losses: 12
What we've learned from their website: (Poorly translated by Google) Les Bleus left the CNR and France to take their neighborhoods in Croydon in South London ! England is no longer a paradox since it is in the London Sun that the Blues were welcomed after leaving France and rain. With arrival under fire from cameras of French journalists.
Odds: $17
Value: Who knows? France have a knack for playing poorly in one match (like losing to Tonga in the 201 World Cup) and brilliantly the next (like almost beating the All Blacks in the final in 2011). Logic would suggest therefore that there's value in tipping or punting on France against the teams they tend to lose to (any other first tier nation) and leaving them alone against everyone else. Bu then again, logic has very little to do with French Rugby.

IRELAND
Emblem(s): The Shamrock
Rugby World Cups: 7
RWC wins: 17
RWC losses: 13

Just putting this image here
because we like Guinness

What we've learned from their website: Embracing social media is fine but this is just taking things a bit too far. Do we really need 10 twitter feeds and 10 Facebook entries? Seriously, does anyone care or even know what this means?: ナターシャ®TashsterlyLion @Tashster
Buffs' #ShoulderToShoulder attack an army of @UMassFootball Minutemen! #Ralphie leads BuffArmy in🐃🐃 @RunRalphieRun https://t.co/GdDFolCvt2
Odds: $9.00
Value: The reigning Six Nations champions reckon they're a real chance of winning the World Cup. Indeed they recently were ranked 2 in the world on the back of that performance and some shockers from Australia, South Africa and England. But then Ireland had some shockers in the lead-up matches and dropped back to 6th 3 weeks later. So it's anyone's guess really.

SOUTH AFRICA
Nickname(s): Springboks, Boks
Emblem(s): Springbok and Protea
Rugby World Cups: 5
RWC wins: 25
RWC losses: 4

Must have been a bugger
taking this on as hand luggage

What we've learned from their website: A special piece of turf to give the Springboks real #HomeGroundAdvantage was ‘christened’ by a host of South African celebrities from television, music, sport and fashion at the Springbok Experience Rugby Museum in Cape Town on Thursday (3rd September).
Odds: $7.00
Value: There's no denying that when it comes to Rugby World Cups South Africa have performed admirably. 2 wins punctuated by losses to the All Blacks and the Wallabies and that's pretty much it. It makes for comfortable punting and tipping. A lift in form from the aged stars (Habana, Matfield et al) and the Boks could go all the way.

AUSTRALIA
Nickname(s): Wallabies

Wallaby supporters attend another
Rugby themed poetry recital

Emblem(s): Wallaby
Rugby World Cups: 7
RWC wins: 33
RWC losses: 8
What we've learned from their website: The Wallabies have an official poem (well, an ode really) called the Golden Thread. The Rolling Maul is no expert when it comes to poetry, and while this one rhymes (always a good start for those of us coming from a level of no knowledge of these sort of things) and it's probably OK as far as poems go, is it really needed? Is it likely to make a shred of difference to the team that runs onto the park, the kids running around in the Under 6s or the bloke in the stand wearing the jersey that used to fit many years and belt notches ago?
Odds: $7
Value: A star-studded back-line. Forwards finally going forward. A win against the All Blacks in a match that wasn't a dead rubber. A great World Cup record in England. A united team behind an innovative coach with a great track record. It'll all probably end in tears, and not the good sort. For Wallabies supporters it will be difficult to not tip or punt where the heart is, but for everyone else tread with caution.

ENGLAND
Nickname(s): Pommy Bastards (not officially)
Emblem(s): Red Rose
Rugby World Cups: 7

Need mongrel in your front row?

RWC wins: 29
RWC losses: 11
What we've learned from their website: England are probably the only national team with an official mascot - it's Ruckley who is probably a bulldog but could just be an old retired prop given the size, the permanent dazed distant look, the big ears and the dumb look on his face.
Odds: $5.50
Value: England have one hope above all others and it's not anyone on the field but the field itself. There's a lot to be said for home ground advantage. Supposedly. It's worked twice for the All Blacks at World Cups and once for South Africa and in 1987 and 1995 you could argue that neither the All Blacks or South Africa respectively were the best team in the world at the time. So that works out at 2 from 7. Statistically, that's really nothing special so for England that really leaves them with bugger all.

NEW ZEALAND
Nickname(s): All Blacks
Emblem(s): Silver Fern
Rugby World Cups: 7
RWC wins: 37
RWC losses: 6

For a safe bet
- always put your money on Black

What we've learned from their website: The All Blacks are more than a team, they are a brand, and a very marketable one at that. So much so that they are the only international Rugby team with their own website. Every other international team is a sub-page or pages of their national Rugby body. Sure, as far as websites go it's nothing special, just the usual boring news and player profiles and a pretty average fan zone. But interestingly the stats section is the best of any international Rugby website or part-website. So if you're looking for a reason why the All Blacks are so consistently strong the there it is - it's part of New Zealand history. Embedded in the psyche of the place. Respected. Honoured. Acknowledged. No one else comes close.
Odds: $2.30
Value: The reality is that the All Blacks at any price are a pretty safe bet. Indeed at $2.30 you could even use them as a safe hedge bet while you roll the dice on any other team that takes your fancy. From a tipping perspective just tick their box every time and you'll probably finish somewhere near the top of the table. It's not a particularly imaginative way to tip or punt, and the returns aren't likely to be great. It's that old head vs heart dilemma. So while your head should always think Black, heart is a lot more fun.

Click here for Part 1 - the Minnows
Click here for Part 2 - the 'Second Tier'

Rugby World Cup 2015 Tipping and Betting Guide Part 2 - The 'Second Tier'

2015-09-10T23:00:00.000+10:00

Click here for Part 1 - The Minnows
Click here for Part 3 - The Real Contenders

How do you define a second tier nation in Rugby? When does a nation graduate from the Minnows or get relegated from the first tier of World Cup contenders? Well, for the purposes of this World Cup Guide it pretty much comes down to tradition. And the odds. And gut feel. So in short, there is no hard and fast rule. Much like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, if you believe it then it is true (though even my kids don't believe in Italy).

So how will they fare this year? Well pretty poorly obviously, But that doesn't mean that they won't bring passions, flare and excitement to the tournament. Oh, and the chance to lay a few hard earned or tip a few tight ones...

ITALY
Nickname(s): Azzurri (Sky-Blues)
World Cups: 7

You'd think the home of carbo-loading
would produce better Rugby players

RWC Games won: 9
RWC Games lost: 15
What we've learned from their website: Giovanbattista Venditti is a great name for a Rugby player.
Odds: $1001
Value: Italy has a reasonable record against some of the other second-tier nations and have even beaten all the other Six Nations except England at least once. As long as they can avoid the big 3 of the Southern Hemisphere (impossible admittedly) who they've never beaten, then there could be the occasional bargain.

Not Tonga, but perhaps what Phil Vickery
has in mind for the Tongan team

TONGA
Nickname(s): ʻIkale Tahi
Emblem(s): The White Dove
World Cups: 6
RWC Games won: 6
RWC Games lost: 15
What we've learned from their website: Tongan players are very poor. What else to make of this website headline: England Rugby World Cup Winner Phil Vickery Gives Minnows Tonga the Feel-Good Factor with Free Clothes Ahead of Tournament.
Odds: $1001
Value: Relatively speaking, Tonga are a team in form. At the last World Cup they beat France and in 2012 beat Scotland for their first ever win over a traditional rugby power in Europe. And earlier this season they came close to beating New Zealand, only losing by 30 (we did say relatively speaking). So there's some real value to be had here if you can pick the right game.

FIJI
Nickname(s): Flying Fijians
Emblem(s): the Palm (the tree, not a Rugby fend as appropriate as that may be)

Fijian Rugby - Often close, but rarely one of these

World Cups: 6
RWC Games won: 9
RWC Games lost: 15
What we've learned from their website: Fiji’s first tour of Australia helped the Australian Rugby Union recover from the brink of bankruptcy in 1952. (And Australia has returned the favour by poaching their players ever since - RM)
Odds: $501
Value: Fiji had their most successful World Cup in 2007 when they beat Wales in a sensational match to make the Quarter-Finals then gave the Springboks a real fright losing eventually by not much. But it's been pretty much downhill since then, and it shows. The Fijian Rugby website history stops at 2007. Even their 7s team last won the 7s World Cup in 2005 though they did win the World Rugby Sevens Series in 2014-15. This schizophrenia in Fijian Rugby doesn't help their 15s team. Neither does being drawn in the 'Pool of Death' at the World Cup.

SAMOA

Not the sort of crunches usually associated with Samoan Rugby,
though a few thousand might be a good idea for the team

Nickname(s): Manu Samoa

Emblem(s): the Southern Cross
World Cups: 6
RWC Games won: 11
RWC Games lost: 10
What we've learned from their website: The best thing that can be said about Samoa's Rugby website is that it is a work in progress. That's fitting, it's much the same for the team itself.
Odds: $301
Value: Samoa's World Cup record is almost too good for it to be considered second tier. Indeed historically they have positive records against Argentina and Italy and almost Wales. Their bone-crunching performances against Wales at World Cups are legendary. They're also a team in form with a good 2015 under their belts in the Pacific Nations Cup, only a draw against Fiji robbing them of the title. But when it comes down to the crunch (har) the big boys will be too big. Nonetheless, a good chance against teams of similar standing.

SCOTLAND
Nickname: None (now there's your problem for starters right there)
Emblem(s): the Thistle (this isn't getting any better - this is a prickly weed pretty much everywhere - it would be like the Australian Rugby team calling themselves the Cane Toads)

How other Rugby teams view Scotland

World Cups: 7
RWC Games won: 18
RWC games drawn: 1
RWC Games lost: 13 (and you wonder why Scotland is second tier)
What we've learned from their website: At $140 the Scottish match day Rugby shirt is cheaper than its Wallabies equivalent which is closer to $160. Why the Scottish shirt on its own website is selling kit in dollars and not pounds is a mystery. Maybe it's US dollars. in which case it's much cheaper (in that case more like $199 for the Wallabies jersey).
Odds: $201
Value: Clearly the bookies are being generous to Scotland, because the reality is they will struggle against Samoa, Japan and the USA in their Pool (South Africa is the other team in the Pool of tickles). Indeed the likelihood is you'll get good odds on their opponents given Scotland's first tier aspirations but almost minnow performances for the last decade or so.

Click here for Part 1 - The Minnows
Click here for Part 3 - The Real Contenders

Rugby World Cup 2015 Tipping and Betting Guide Part 1 - The Minnows

2015-09-05T23:17:00.001+10:00

Click here for Part 2 - The Second Tier
Click here for Part 3 - the Real Contenders

The Rugby World Cup is on again. Just like just about every other sport's World Cup. And the Olympics. And US Presidential elections. What is is about 4 year cycles? That's a topic for another blog post (and probably another blog) but this blog is more interested in cashing in (and we don't mean through Google advertising).

Who will win and who will lose the World Cup is a largely limited question given the handful of teams with a genuine chance of lifting the Webb Ellis Cup at tournament's end. But fortunately there is sports betting and tipping competitions to keep us interested in every game. Even those featuring the so-called minnows - the tiny fish in the big pond who make up the numbers and much of the passion. They'll never win the Cup but they'll have a lot of fun trying.

So how will they fare, and are they worth a punt or a tip?...

URUGUAY

The Southern Lapwing
Guaranteed to strike fear into its opponents - small bugs etc

Nickname(s): Teros
Emblem(s): Southern lapwing
Number of World Cups: 2
Number of World Cup Wins: 2
Losses: 5
What we've learnt from their website: Carlos E. Cat (really) is the father of Uruguayan Rugby
Betting Market Price: $3,001
Betting Value: None except with big starts (10+) against other minnows and bigger (25+) against everyone else.

NAMIBIA

Welwitschia
Time for Namibian Rugby to think about a new nickname

Nickname(s): Welwitschias (Welwitschia is a monotypic gymnosperm genus, comprising solely the very distinct Welwitschia mirabilis. The plant is commonly known simply as Welwitschia)
Emblem(s): African fish eagle
Number of World Cups: 4
Wins: 0
Losses: 15
What we've learnt from their website: Namibia thrashed Zimbabwe 80-6 in the final of the Windhoek Draught African Cup competition to retain the title they won in Madagascar last year. Woohoo.
Betting Market Price: $3,001
Betting Value: None, unless they play Uruguay

ROMANIA
Nickname(s): The Oaks (the trees, not the Pub in Neutral Bay)
Emblem(s): The Oak leaf
Number of World Cups: 7 (all of them)
Number of World Cup Wins: 5
Losses: 19
What we've learnt from their website: It must be the shortest URL in the Rugby world - or wider - frr.ro.
Betting Market Price: $3,001
Betting Value: Don't be swayed by 8 wins over France and World Cup wins over Fiji and the USA - all in the amateur era.

GEORGIA

A product of the other Georgia

Nickname(s):The Lelos
Emblem(s): Crepuscular rays (also known as sunbeams)
Number of World Cups: 3
Wins: 2
Losses: 10
What we've learnt from their website: Georgian rugby is a natural continuation of Lelo-burti (Lelo-ball) - an ancient form of folk football, still alive in the country-side. Lelo has its roots in pagan times: the ball symbolised the Sun, one of the celestial bodies worshipped throughout the Middle East.
Betting Market Price: $2,501
Betting Value: Given Georgia realistically have as much chance of winning the World Cup as any other minnow, then by definition they are less value than any of them at a higher price. Who frames this nonsense?

CANADA

The Scrummaster ReacTore
Canadian Rugby may not win a match
but they could launch a man to the moon with this thing

Nickname(s): Canucks / Maple leafs
Emblem(s): the Maple leaf
Number of World Cups: 7
Wins: 7
Draws: 2
Losses: 16
What we've learnt from their website: The most up to date model in the Scrummaster™ stable is the ReacTore™ - a merge of style, functionality and performance that will improve the output of your scrum.
Betting Market Price: $2,001
Betting Value: A great track record against the USA, just a shame they're in another pool. Save your pennies and your tips for other teams.

USA

At least Rugby hasn't embraced all things American

Nickname(s): The Eagles (not the band)
Emblem(s): American bald eagle
Number of World Cups: 6
Wins: 3
Losses: 18
What we've learnt from their website: USA Rugby has 107,000 members yet there are only 700 Senior Club teams and 900 college teams in the country. At 23 players per team that's only 36,800 players. That mean there are a hell of a lot of kids playing Rugby in the USA. Look out world!
Betting Market Price: $2,001
Betting Value: None.

JAPAN

A bit more of this might help the
Japanese Rugby team

Nickname(s): The Cherry Blossoms / Brave Blossoms
Emblem(s): the Sakura
Number of World Cups: 7
Wins: 1
Draws: 2
Losses: 21
World Cup qualification record: Won 31, Lost 1
What we've learnt from their website: It's crap. Even Uruguay have a more informative website. News and that's it. No history. No cheerleaders. No stats. Wikipedia is more useful. No wonder they can't organise their Super Rugby team and might lose the 2019 Rugby World Cup.
Betting Market Price: $1,501

And perhaps some of this in the front row

Betting Value: (Warning: Serious content follows) This price must be based on qualifying form. Which really is part of Japan's problem. Too many Asian easy-beats. Maybe if they had to qualify through the Pacific the standard would improve through necessity. 1 win in 7 World Cups is an appalling record. Don't expect any more this time round.

Click here for Part 2 - The Second Tier
Click here for Part 3 - the Real Contenders

Whining About the New Wallabies Jersey

2015-06-12T20:50:00.001+10:00

Greg Chappell models the
new Wallabies jersey

So the new Wallabies jersey is yellow. And looks like a soccer shirt. And doesn’t have a collar. And looks like a bird that’s eaten too much spinach has shat stars on the right shoulder. And if it’s cold you’ll be able to see the player’s nipples. And the socks dry 8 times as quick as normal socks (good for the mums?). So what?

Well you have probably forgotten what Phil Kearns said when asked about wearing the infamous 1990s ‘seagull vomit’ jersey.

Phil Kearns and another Wallaby ashamed to be seen in public

To paraphrase Kearns, “I don’t care what it looks like. I’d run out there naked if it meant playing for the Wallabies.”

So can the Rolling Maul suggest that that’s exactly what the players should be wearing. Nothing.

After all, you can't get a jersey more skin tight than skin. You can't get a jersey lighter than air, Skin has no collar. Feet dry quicker than any socks. And nothing's going to show off your physique better than your physique,

And what's the point getting a tatt if you're just going to cover it up?

This World Cup, the Australian Rugby team need to put their tackle first and tackle hard. While the concept of a head-high tackle might take on a whole new meaning, surely it's time for the Wallabies to get cracking and kick some butt.

Wallabies End of Year European Tour 2014 Tipping and Betting Guide

2014-10-23T23:11:00.000+11:00

Now that the Wallabies coaching dramas are behind them (yeah right), the Kurtley Beale saga is settling down (yeah right), ARU administration concerns are over (yeah sure) and all inside camp Wallaby is love, peace and mung beans (possible, not really) all eyes turn towards Europe where things can be made good again and the dramas of 2014 can be consigned to the wheelie bin of history (the one with the red lid, you certainly wouldn't want to recycle any of that garbage).

So there's plenty to play for for the men in gold but also plenty of interest for punters and tipsters with an eye for a bargain. The annus horribilis means the Wallabies are probably on the nose so it's likely they're generally going to be good value. But how good? This tipping and betting guide is your ticket to riches...

Barbarians v Wallabies, Saturday 1 November, Twickenham, London
It's always difficult to know what's going to happen with the Baa-baas and that's the point. They're predictably unpredictable but not in a French sort of way. Unlike the French, the Barbarians have no delusions of grandeur or pretensions at professionalism. Indeed the Barbarians are the last bastion of amateurism in the sense that they turn up two days before the game and only leave the bar for their one training session. So who knows what to expect except they'll throw the ball around and have some. It is a bad sign that coach John Kirwn has stacked the teams with recent All Blacks and Springboks (and Nick Cummins) so expect it to be fiery.

Headline the next day: They Said It Couldn't Get Any Worse. It Is Now.
Expected betting: Wallabies $1.65 Barbarians $2.60
Where's the value?: Who knows? No form to go on and anything could happen. Betting on this would be a gamble! Keep your cash in your wallet.
Prediction: Barbarians by 4

Wales v Wallabies, Saturday, 8 November, Millennium Stadium, Cardiff
Wales have a pretty good recent history in European Rugby with a couple of Six Nations titles under their belt in 2012 and 2013. But the fact of the matter is that they are Australia's bunnies. Wales haven't beaten Australia since 2008, indeed they've only beaten them twice since the 1987 Rugby World Cup. So for all the talk of Australia on the ropes and Wales looking forward to some home ground advantage come the next World Cup, the reality could be somewhat, well, realistic..

Headline the next day: A Wales Of A Time
Expected betting: Wallabies $1.70 Wales $2.50
Where's the value?: If ever Wales were going to upset the Wallabies it's going to be today. $20 on the roughie.
Prediction: Wales by 4

France v Wallabies, Saturday, 15 November, Stade de France, Paris
When France were in Australia they were rubbish. Indeed so awful were they that nearly beat the Wallabies in one god-awful match in Melbourne which in a gripping dire try-less boreathon they went down 6-0. The fact that they made Australia look good, a team which four months later completely imploded, losing matches to all three other Rugby Championship nations and a coach along the way, says everything you need to know about the French side. Sure they're playing at home this time and sure the French, on their day, can beat anyone, but the last time they had a day was against the All Blacks in the final of the last World Cup. And they still lost.

Headline the next day: That's Not a Croissant, That's a Bagel
Expected betting: Wallabies $1.80 France $2.20
Where's the value?: If there's one match the Wallabies are dead certs it's this one. Go big on gold.
Prediction: France by 4

Ireland v Wallabies, Saturday, 22 November, Aviva Stadium, Dublin
This time last year the Wallabies had rebounded from having 15 players suspended or sanctioned to beat Scotland then went on in celebration to comfortably wallop Ireland. This time round Ireland have won the Six Nations and will be out to make a statement. What kind of statement? Possibly one of the, "please stop it, you're hurting me" type although Ireland's record against Australia is pretty reasonable, including a win at the last World Cup.

Headline the next day: Irish Eyes Are Bloodshot
Expected betting: Wallabies $1.90 Ireland $1.90
Where's the value?: There's going to be a blow out either way, so whatever you do take the start.
Prediction: Ireland by 4

England v Wallabies, Saturday, 29 November, Twickenham, London
This will be big. Either the Wallabies will come into this match humbled and humiliated and out for redemption, or they'll be on a roll and on a high in the Cheika era and looking for a clean sweep in Europe of the type not seen since the bubonic plague. Either the way, the Wallabies will be pumped. Mind you, so too will be England. They had a disappointing Six Nations last time round and during their tour of New Zealand came up winless despite going close once. They are talking to talk though and do host the next World Cup, including being in the same pool as the Aussies so there's plenty to play for. It'll be cracker and be worth staying up for.

Headline the next day: English Rose On The Nose Say Old Foes
Expected betting: Wallabies $2.40 England $1.70
Where's the value?: The Wallabies lost to England last time round in England, but this time play them last up instead of first up. Go large on gold.
Prediction: England by 4

Wallabies Dodge Bullets On and Off Field

2014-10-21T23:28:00.000+11:00

Phew, that was close. For a moment there it looked like the Wallabies were a settled team singing from the same hymn book with an inspiring coach, an impressive string of victories and a fawning public becoming comfortable with the concept of a potential World Cup victory.

Fortunately it took all of about a week and a half for those illusions to be shattered, and now we can look forward to some good old fashioned desperation.

The Wallabies have never been good front runners. Indeed it's something about the ingrained culture of a team full of too much self-belief and that is bombarded with the best psychobabble that money can buy that they tend to fall apart just when everything is looking its rosiest.

It's the classic two-sided coin scenario. Take the series against the British Lions as an example - near loss, good win, shocking loss. Or the European tour last year - bad loss (to England) then 4 good wins punctuated by 15 players suspended or disciplined for a night on the town.

A graph of the Wallaby's form under
Ewen McKenzie

And even this year - Good win, ugly win, good win against France, then draw against the All Blacks, smashed by ABs, close win against South Africa and then it goes (more) pear shaped.

So the good news is the bad news. A rousing defeat to the All Blacks has them perfectly placed to rebound just in time for the 2014 European tour. A win and the usual complacency would have taken over and the roller coaster would continue.

Sure Ewen McKenzie was going to quit anyway but now he's done Australian Rugby a favour by taking the Wallabies to the bottom and showing them the way out. Fortunately he didn't lead them out, because that would only have led to disaster!

Best crowd sledge ever? A National Rugby Championship Match Report

2014-10-07T23:17:00.000+11:00

The Rolling Maul has been taking it easy since the end of the Super Rugby and reverted to just being a normal Rugby enthusiast, watching games live and on TV and just generally basking in what was a honeymoon period for Australian Rugby up until the All Blacks came along and ruined it for everyone.

Fortunately, the National Rugby Championship has provided some ongoing sanity in amongst the Wallaby carnage. Score blow outs aside and the dismal performance of the local team the Sydney Stars notwithstanding, it's been a largely high-spirited and willing competition even if the defence has left a bit to be desired.

So yesterday the Rolling Maul packed up the family and headed out by tram to Leichhardt Oval to watch the Stars take on their country cousins the Charles Sturt University New South Wales Country Eagles. Seriously, that's what the ground announcer called them every time.

This wasn't the first NRC match the Rolling Maul had attended. That match a few weeks ago saw the Stars pretty much thrashed by the Melbourne Rising. While the team's name is nearly as stupid as the 'Stars', subsequent matches have seen everyone thrashed by the Rising as you would expect of a team that is essentially the Melbourne Rebels minus Scott Higginbotham.

So it was a pleasant surprise that given the Stars haven't won a match all season they came out of the blocks firing and shot out to a 16 point lead in no time. But the CSU NSW CE pegged them back, and courtesy of four yellow cards across both teams within about half an hour the overly initialed team were leading at half time.

Now it's a good thing the weather was perfect, the cans of beer were readily available and the quality of Rugby on show was of a high standard, because the half-time entertainment was non-existent. The earlier match of the NRC the Maul attended featured a classic catch the ball competition at half time. How hard is it to arrange a game of kids sevens or a running race?

Anyway, the match continued, the lead see-sawed. the defence was at times brutal, tries were spectacular, and with 10 minutes to go an upset was on the cards. But then devastation. With the Stars up by 2 and five minutes to play, a Stars handling error saw the Rising go over in the corner. Get the conversion and the Stars would need a try just to draw the game. The kicker lined up the conversion. What to do?

And then some wag in the crowd came to the rescue. As the crowd hushed for the kick a cry was heard,

"The wind's going from left to right. Or maybe right to left. Actually, I'm really not sure"

Guffaws from the crowd. The kicker struck the ball but it sailed well to the right of the posts and the Stars were still in the game. Then from the crowd another cry,

"I told ya."

This time full-on laughs from all round and the filthiest look from the kicker as he scanned the crowd for his verbal assailant.

Alas, despite plenty of chances, the Stars couldn't capitalise and they lost by 3 points.

But the best thing of all. That wag in the crowd was the Rolling Maul. A career highlight if ever there was one.

10 Observations From the Super Rugby Final

2014-08-03T22:08:00.000+10:00

The Rolling Maul and the missus coughed up big bucks to sit in premium seats for the Super Rugby Final. We were so close to the action we could read Israel Folau's tattoos, not that they were worth the effort, just a mix of motivational claptrap, biblical verses and plugs for sponsor's products.

It certainly provided a different perspective on Sydney's Rugby community, the Olympic Stadium and the game itself, and not all of it favourable...

1) Still waiting for the members discount
So sure we had the super-dooper el-primo seats but those idiots at Waratahs HQ made us pay full price thanks to a ticketing stuff-up and now they won’t return my abusive emails to give me my refund. I mean how many times do I have to tell them they’re morons before they’ll listen to me?

2) The Olympic Stadium's atmosphere tipping point
It's been said by pretty much everyone that the Olympic Stadium is a soulless, cavernous, hulking monstrosity and they're all correct. The Rolling Maul has been there for games with less than 25,000 people where the atmosphere is so dire you can count and hear the tumbleweeds bouncing around the vacant swathes of seating. Full 'er up though with 80,000+ screaming Rugby fans and the place rocks. So last night's 61,000 demonstrated that with even with the top tiers largely empty you can generate enough noise and passion to overcome the stadium's weaknesses, though the quality of the Rugby on display probably helped. In summary, don't bother going unless you're expecting a crowd of over 50,000.

3) Tom Carter and Brendan Cannon living legends?
The pre-match entertainment was largely non-existent. The Qantas choir went through their biggest hits (you know each of them) and apart from that it was pretty much business as usual, though at least the NSWRU stumped up a few extra bucks for some pathetic blue fireworks and flamethrowers instead of the usual sparklers. The call card of living legends with their marketing department-speak motivational quotes was an interesting diversion, especially given that they included Tom Carter in their list. Sure he played 70-odd matches for the Tahs but 50+ of them were from the bench. His total game time probably adds up to about 25 matches. And Brendan Cannon a living Waratahs legend? The man who played for 4 Super Rugby teams and who regularly professes his passion for the Force. How can he be compared to Nick-Farr Jones, Phil Kearns, Tim Gavin and Phil Waugh? And how did Matt Burke not get a Guernsey?

4) Hobnobbing with the hoi-polloi
The Rolling Maul only scored such great seats courtesy of our 7-year old's free Junior Membership bumping us up the pecking order. Usually we're behind the goal posts with the screaming kids, the bucks parties and the NSWRU freebies. So it came as a pleasure so sit amongst knowledgeable and enthusiastic adults. Even more pleasing was the high proportion of females, even if they were mostly old enough to remember when Rugby was played in woolen jersies. Still, the passion and excitement was there and we all went suitably nuts at the end, high-fives all round and best new buds and all that.

5) The Tahs lineout was a shocker, the scrum not much better
This is an observation that everyone has made and it's still a wonder that Crusaders didn't win the thing given their domination in the set pieces. The Tahs best efforts only achieved parity, but it was usually up to the backs or the defence to keep the Tahs in with a chance. This doesn't bode well for the Wallabies where they'll be found out if this sort of performance is any indication.

6) Michael Cheika's face told it all
There were some worrying signs mid-week when Michael Cheika seemed to smile during a press conference. He was even seen to laugh at one point and make a joke of sorts. This is not the Michael Cheika that punches walls and kicks doors and sprays venomous ranting rages and players who don't pull their weight. Of even more concern was Cheika's face 15 minutes into the final. He was relaxed and calm. Fortunately the Crusaders kicked into gear, the referee ruled a couple of contentious head-highs and tries in favour of the Crusaders and Cheika went ballistic, thumping the table and ranting at the Rugby gods. And just in time to set things right. Phew!

The Crusaders collect their
'L'osers medallions

7) Richie McCaw is a grub
Biggest boo of the night was when Richie McCaw was introduced on the big screen to the crowd pre-match. All pantomines need their villain and McCaw was ours. And true to type he played the part brilliantly, pushing the rules and the referee to the limit. Early on he seemed to have the upper hand, indeed the Tahs seemed to be getting pinged more often. But in one foul swoop, with a minute-and-a-half to play, McCaw was caught where he shouldn't be. Now whether we was actually off side, or entering illegally or not is not the point. He went for the ball and it wasn't there so he was somewhere he shouldn't have been. The rest, as they say, is history. Bloodied and bruised (the cherry on the icing on the cake), McCaw accepted his fate. The villain exited stage right.

8) That kick
It will go down in history as a brilliant kick, but from the perspective of 61,000 fans looking through their fingers and not breathing for fear of creating a dangerous cross-breeze, it was a wobbly and dodgy molly grubber of a miss-hit that seemed destined to fall short. That it just cleared the cross-bar was a shock to everyone. And it only added to the crescendo of relief and jubilation that resulted. Yet on TV, the match coverage showed a well-struck missile that 'has the legs' as the commentator put it. A mystery to add to the miracle.

15 mins after holding aloft the trophy and the
banners fly high - bit what about
the Sheffield Shield?

9) You call that a brewery?
Across from the entrance to the Olympic Stadium, 'The Brewery' had expanded from the hotel it served out to encompass a fair chunk of the stadium's forecourt. Fair enough, all big events need a watering-hole. So everyone trooped along for a celebratory knees-up. At least that was the plan. the only beers on offer were cans (max 2 per person) of mid-strength Super Dry (super watery) and XXXX Gold (mid-strength urine). So what does the brewery brew then? Ginger Beer? Coffee? Fortunately Bill Young's pub, the Concord Hotel, was only a 15 minute walk away and it was serving full-strength beers on tap all night and out of glasses.

10) The Waratahs won! What now?
So the Rolling Maul loves a good whinge. But the Tahs won and it was bloody awesome and everything was worth it. But what now? This blog has made its reputation on slagging off the very team it professes to support. Well very clearly on Saturday night the talk turned to dynasties, raised bars, back-to-back and threepeats. And nothing else will do.

A Waratahs Fan Final Quandry

2014-07-28T23:07:00.000+10:00

The Rolling Maul has been following the Tahs forever, or at least since he gave up on the mungo game once his balls dropped and his brain kicked in. But Waratahs failure is ripe for satire. Comedy gold is made from failure. No comedian has ever made a buck from making jokes about how great everything is.

So come Saturday night and the Super Rugby final, what are Waratah fans so unused to success and celebration to do? How is one supposed to behave if they win?

So let's say the Waratahs clinch the final. A see-sawing game of changed leads, sweeping backline movements and tough as nail forward defence ultimately sees the Tahs triumph. What then?

The Rolling Maul isn't the only social media forum to have made great mileage from Waratah disappointment. It makes for great writing. Not only that, but it's much easier writing about what pisses you off than what pleases you. You can't be a sarcastic bastard with a dry cutting wit if you've got nothing the whinge about.

And what about the kudos that comes from supporting a marginal team in a niche sport that barely anyone gives a toss about? Where's the point of difference that gives traditional Waratah fans pride in being hardcore and 'dyed-in-the wool' if sudden success sees a resurgence in popularity for the team and the sport?

Do those for who their blood is sky blue (to borrow from the Bulls Blue Blood motto) rejoice in the fact that there may be others inspired by the Waratahs, or even worse, converts to the game, who begin to understand obscure penalties and can discuss the finer points of referee law interpretations and power vectors in scrums?

So here's to hoping that the Waratahs win on Saturday. It's been a long wait. They are due and so are all their supporters. But if they lose, then we can all blow a sigh of relief and get back to doing what we're all really good at - bagging the shit out of them.

The Madonna of the Lineout or the Church of Rugby?

2014-07-15T00:05:00.000+10:00

This post has been submitted by The Rolling Maul's foreign correspondent, from Melbourne via Birchgrove, now living in Switzerland and on holiday in France where he's found that Rugby really can be a religion.

Note: the views contained in this report are those of the writer only and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Rolling Maul, unless they are particularly funny, in which case they were edits made by The Rolling Maul.

So today we went for a drive around the Dordogne region where we're having a holiday. We head to a village called Rocamadour, which is a beautiful little place clinging to the side of a cliff.

It was an important medieval pilgrimage site, and still attracts plenty of the faithful to the local church, as well as lots of tourists.

I'm wandering around the church, and decide to look in an open but unmarked door.

Now that's an altar

What the $%&*#?

The first thing I see is a wall full of rugby jerseys! Hang on, does this church have a sports bar attached to it?? No, next thing I see is an altar, and then I notice one of the most bizarre pieces of religious art I've ever seen. Forget "The Virgin Mary and Child" -- this is "Madonna of the Lineout" !!

Truly extraordinary.

The Patron Saint of the second row?

So I say a little prayer for the Waratahs (it worked), then head off determined to do some research that night.

Turns out it's not some desperate attempt to increase France's Rugby World Cup chances, but is a chapel where prayers are said for rugby players injured/killed in the line of duty (probably not Rugby duty but the real thing).

The statue was donated by a group connected to the Chapel Notre Dame du Rugby, in a town down in the Basque region of France. This site gives some more info on this.

And if that wasn't cool enough, check out these rugby-inspired stained glass windows:

A bespoke window grand design
for your renovation perhaps?

Mauling for Jesus?

So what do you know? Rugby really is the game they play in heaven!

Sure Signs the Waratahs are Becoming Popular With Kids

2014-07-08T21:25:00.000+10:00

Back in the bad old days of Waratah Rugby (essentially every year up till this one) one of the sure signs that the team was failing its fan base was the lack of kids running around in Waratahs jerseys or naming their favourite player as Barry Hall or Harry Kewell or, god forbid, Jarryd Hayne. But something odd is happening this year. The kids are back, Sky Blue is fashionable on Sydney's North Shore and the Tahs are even the subject of occasional water cooler talk.

Who would've thought that all it would take was to win a lot of matches, score a lot of tries, and stop kicking?

The Rolling Maul has personal experience of this transformation.

My kids (the Maulettes?) are really into the Waratahs though they’ve only ever watched four of their games, two in person at the SFS and two on TV (every other match has happened when they're in bed).

After the great victory on Sunday afternoon, the 7 year old boy declared that he wanted to be a Waratah. Mind you, two days later he was recalling how much fun he had at the circus and decided he wanted to be a lion tamer instead.

Meanwhile, the 5 year old boy, the night after the Highlanders match and after brushing his teeth, decided that he wanted to brush his hair to make it look like Kurtley Beale’s. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he comes from a long line of prematurely balding Jewish men who struggle to maintain a part, let alone a combo ‘fro faux-hawk crew cut thing that really can’t be described but probably took hours in front of the mirror shaping and clipping to the perfect millimetre lengths before application of product and a steady work plan of daily re-teasing and hair workouts.

Beale gives the hair a good talking to

Finally he settled on what essentially was a small boys hair cut but with a bit of a spiky brush up thing happening at the front. I told him he just needed a hair cut to make him look more like Kurtley. I didn’t know how to tell him he wasn’t black enough without sounding racist.

So anyway, the kids may have only watched four matches but they already know about half the players and clearly have their favourites. Dave Dennis was the first to sign their caps back in week 1 so he’s a fave and Will Skelton signed them too that week, so now they can brag that they knew him before he was big!

Kurtley and Cliffy Palu signed the caps a few weeks back later too and they’re big on Michael Hooper and Israel Folau so class is detectable even to small children.

On Sunday they discovered Alofa Alofa, if only because they like the name. It’s just coincidental that the night before we were watching Madagascar 2 where Moto Moto, king of the Hippos says to Gloria, “The name so nice when you say it twice”. I really hope Alofa uses that line. Or they put it on the ‘Welcome to’ boards as you enter Wagga Wagga or Woy Woy.

A Jewish Rebels Fan Walks Into Canberra Stadium – No Joke

2014-06-11T23:01:00.000+10:00

This posting is a sequel of sorts to A Melbourne Rebel Fan's International Folly. Now, The Rolling Maul's international correspondent has traveled, out of desperation, to Canberra of all places.

Note: the views contained in this report are those of the writer only and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Rolling Maul, unless they are particularly funny, in which case they were edits made by The Rolling Maul.

Back in October last year, the Super Rugby fixture list was released. Once again every single Rebels home game was on Friday nights – the Jewish Sabbath. The club tried to put a spin on it - “It’s Friday night central at AAMI Park”. Woo-bloody-hoo. I wasn’t the only fuming Jewish Rebels fan (yes, the ultimate minority’s minority).

Looking through the away fixture list, I decided travel was the only option but which was the best Saturday night game to attend? Force? Nope, it was still in summer – not Rugby enough. New Zealand? Dunedin or Waikato the day before Passover. Nope. Brisbane or Canberra were the only options. Well, I’ve never been to Canberra, so that seemed like the go.

The week before the Canberra trip there is a kid’s clinic at the Rebels. My 7 year old daughter ‘Summer Rules’ (being a Rugby fan I tend to differ) is in the middle age group with Hooker Pat Leafa. Stations are run by various other Rebels.

The highlight is the passing station with coach “Te”. In order to pass the ball they are told these instructions: “Hold the Strawberry, dip it in chocolate, and share it with your friends”. I wonder if that’s what Matt Dunning is coaching the Balmain Rugby Club given such food-inspired coaching lessons seemed to be his Waratahs inspiration given his (former) girth. He probably wasn’t so much into the sharing though.

Laurie Weeks runs the “Crushinator” in the obstacle course. Not sure if that’s suitable for a 7 year old girl.
Yet despite these brushes with Rebels fame and the Rebels mouthguards the kids insisted I buy ($5 from the pharmacy, $20 from the Rebels merchandisers) this was the only Rebel that Summer wanted a photo with…

Overbearing big-headed loudmouth and the Rebels mascot

So on to the trip to Canberra, joined by Summer Rules, first daughter ‘Blankie Girl’(she just won’t take to that Rugby ball the way she clung to that blanket) and 5 year old son ‘I Want Blue Train’ (again, a toy takes precedence over a Rugby ball). This year the plane flight was reasonably uneventful as the Rebels weren’t on our flight.

Arriving in Canberra, we went to the local supermarket and were amazed at the huge range of kosher goods available. Bread, bagels, dips, meat, and a whole stand of groceries. Impressive. Must be something about Commonwealth public servants. Maybe the conspiracy is true and we do run the country!

On arrival we looked around Canberra. First up was the Science Museum Questacon. In the foyer, there is a Robot who will perform actions or answer questions. I was surprised by his candid response to my question…

So maybe there’s something to this artificial intelligence business after all, but in hindsight you didn’t need to have a brain the size of a planet to work that one out.

For young kids all Canberra’s other adult attractions were decidedly boring. National Gallery? ‘Peh’. War Memorial? ‘Nope’. Portrait Gallery? ‘Nah’. However, the lesser known Canberra Train Museum was a hit. This is basically a shed full of loads of old run down carriages and engines. To us adults, junk, but to a 5 year old boy with a fascination for trains, it is heaven. We arrived right on closing time at 3pm, but the ticket guy happily took our money and let us walk around for half an hour.

Onto the game. We got into the taxi early on Saturday evening. We were unsure if we’d make it because I Want Blue Train spent 90 minutes screaming for his blue train (damn you Thomas) which I’d left in Melbourne. Even when he got into the taxi he told the driver “Train Museum please!” Nice try.

We arrive. Blue Train has changed his mind and is now excited. Thankfully. We find our seats in the family section. There was not one bad comment against the Rebels. I guess the locals were pretty confident. Or lacked imagination.

Stephen Larkham and Laurie Fisher were out with the Brumbies while they warmed up. I asked the kids if they wanted to go to the other end of the park to see the Rebels. They weren’t interested. Sigh.

As an aside – is it just me or does Laurie Fisher look like a White Walker from Game of Thrones?

Spot the difference

Well the game starts, and any hint that a tough tour of South Africa and a long journey back will affect the Brumbies is dispatched in 5 minutes. Brumbies are up by 20 fairly soon, and the game is gone.

The kids’ mother, on Facebook back in Melbourne, asks “Who is Blue Train cheering for?”

“Minecraft!” is his response. Glad we brought the iPad!

In the second half, at least the Rebels get the ball up our end. I start yelling “Go Rebels” and it rubs off on the kids and they start yelling too. Blue Train would actually be yelling “REBEL! REBEL!” for the next few days.

And I still chose to believe I influenced Steve Walsh on a decision when I yell “Carried back”. Nobody else seemed to care by the 60 minute mark.

The Brumbies mascot comes around and is very nice to us, even as away guests. Blue Train gives it a kiss on the mouth and gets one back! Gross. No tongue action so probably OK.

The best part of the whole game is to come. It is announced that the crowd will be allowed onto the field at the end of the game. Summer Rules gets to say “Hi” to her new favourite player, Pat Leafa.

The only Rebels fan doing cartwheels in Canberra

Blue Train gets to play Rugby. He grabs some other kid’s ball and runs 100 meters. Oops. I keep telling him to go up to Phil Kearns and get on TV, but he is only interested in playing rugby by this stage. For his first ever game, it is a roaring success.

We see Kearnsy after the game. I say “Love your work Phil”, and he says “Thanks Buddy”. I would have talked more, but we were standing at a urinal at the time, and it just didn’t seem right to say any more than that. I assume he knew I was referring to his commentary and not his urinal prowess!

On our way back to Melbourne the next day (“Train Museum please!”) we’re pleased to discover the Rebels are on our flight. Not a very talkative bunch after such a hiding though. We see Pat in the lounge and we tell him that he is Summer’s new favourite player. He is very chuffed. Blue Train waves to Jason Woodward, and unusually for Jason, he walks straight past! Last year he really took time to talk to Summer.

Then we hear he’s just signed with the Hurricanes, and it makes a bit of sense.

Asking the family if they want to come back to Canberra next year and it is a resounding “YES!”, and not only that, they actually want to go to the Rugby there. And probably the Train Museum too.

I’m now waiting in anticipation now for the schedule. Let’s hope for some decent home games on Saturday nights. Otherwise I’m thinking it’s anti-semitism!

The Extermination of the Reds is Almost Complete

2014-06-05T22:18:00.001+10:00

Waratahs domination and Reds demoralisation are as important to each other as peanut-butter is to honey (if you haven't tried this on toast then do yourself a favour). It is no coincidence that while the Waratahs are sailing smoothly on calm waters, the Reds are swamped by heavy seas and only some ferocious bailing is keeping them afloat. This is great news for the Wallabies who struggled for years under the weighty burden of too many Reds in the squad (and you thought it was all Robbie Deans' fault).

The Wallabies are now down to only two Queenslanders in the starting XV and one more on the bench. And none of those should consider themselves safe.

Rob Simmons has Will Skelton looking over his shoulder (Skelton looks over everyone’s shoulder), James Slipper is keeping Benn Robinson’s seat warm and James Horwill is only on the bench out of tokenism and Ewen McKenzie’s desire to keep the Queensland press off his back (remember Ewen McKenzie is a New South Welshman). A few more wins in succession for the Wallabies and even that won't be required.

And Quade Cooper wouldn’t have been selected either if the dumping of Will Genia is any guide.

The even better news is that the three tests coming up against France are a fait accompli (har). France haven't defeated Australia in Australia since 1990, indeed they've only won 4 out of the last 18 against the Wallabies.

So there are plenty of opportunities to keep Genia and all those other out of form Queenslanders out of the team. It's the best thing for the Wallabies and Ewen MacKenzie knows it.

Now if only those Brumbies can be pushed aside - plenty of Super Rugby, Bledisloe and Rugby Championship to take care of that.

Super 18, 19, 20...

2014-05-10T22:41:00.000+10:00

Super Rugby's plans for world domination are now official. In 2018, Super Rugby will encompass Australia, New Zealand, Argentina, South Africa, and one other, probably Japan. SANZAR will be renamed SANZAJAR, or maybe SAANZJAR, or even ANZJSAAR. Whatever it becomes it will only be the beginning as the world's Rugby dominoes fall into line.

It's the 18th team that provides the clue. While Japan are the favourites, Hong Kong, Singapore, and the USA are also supposedly the 4 countries who expressed an interest and are putting together applications. No doubt the People's Republic of Balmain also considered an application, but that can wait for Super 20 or beyond.

Indeed there's no real reason why they can't all get a gig. If the argument for an 18th team is that they'll increase the number of eyeballs and hence broadcast revenue then the logic follows that all should be admitted.

And if travel distances are an argument against the participation of teams from some countries, then why is Argentina being included in the first place? Surely having teams from as many countries as possible within geographical spitting distance of each other would only decrease travel times and distances to matches.

The strength and playing numbers of local Rugby competitions argument and the number of spectators at local games factor also don't hold. The Pacific Islands are not exactly population heavy, local games are for the most part poorly attended, and yet they produce a wealth of Rugby talent, enough to support a significant proportion of New Zealand's Super Rugby teams.As long as there's enough broadcast revenue to go round, then everyone is happy to toe the broadcaster's line.

And finally, financial viability. Japan is thought to be the favourite to be named the 18th team because of the likelihood of them attracting sponsors and domestic attention, ensuring a buoyant bottom line and the ability to thus attract and retain talent. Yet you don't have to look any further than Australia to understand what a nonsense this is. The ARU is broke and the Waratahs, Rebels, Force and Brumbies all run at a loss (and expect the Reds to join them once their performances start impacting on local interest).

A potential Rugby stadium at the Vatican

And if there's one thing a sports broadcaster needs it's content. Super Rugby has the potential to put a team in every country on the planet, run a season that goes for 11 months a year and provides almost 100 matches a week if you count the 192 countries the UN recognises, and that doesn't include any of the Vatican, Kosovo, Palestine, Greenland or Western Sahara all who no doubt could probably cobble together enough fat blokes and fast blokes to populate a Rugby team (or buy some Pacific Islanders).

Super 192 (or more). Coming soon.

Why I Hate David Pocock

2014-04-30T22:41:00.000+10:00

David Pocock may be spending his second season in a row sitting in the stands recovering from getting a knee reconstructed, but that hasn't stopped him from reinforcing his perfectness. Isn't it enough that he looks like a Greek god and is a genius on the Rugby field but now he's going round saying more perfect statements at the perfect time. Bastard.

David Pocock -
Adonis in boxer shorts

This is what Pocock had to say about ANZAC Day:

"I'm loathe to compare anything sport wise with military language, I think it's a bit disrespectful for people who have put their lives on the line. I'm not playing, but I guess I'm a little bit uncomfortable when you put war and sport together... The big thing on Anzac Day for me is whilst it's good to remember the people who have died serving Australia, it's equally important to remember people who died fighting against Australia."

Not only is he absolutely correct and entitled to say it, the fact remains that he used the word 'whilst'. No normal person could ever get away with such such flamboyant and grammatically correct language.

It's not just ANZAC day either. Pocock is an advocate for marriage equality, yet another worthwhile cause:

Mr and Ms Perfect

“I don’t see what the big deal is with the whole gay marriage debate in Australia. Being brought up in a Christian home and still identifying as Christian, I get pretty annoyed with the Christian lobbies around the world who say gay marriage destroys the family and all that kind of rubbish… These are the prejudices that you have to challenge and break down.”

So even though he's a Christian, which is usually more than enough to hate someone, Pocock somehow manages to turn that into a positive by admitting that he to thinks a lot of core-Christian beliefs are rubbish.

Indeed so strongly does Pocock feel about the issue, that he and his perfect partner Emma (perfect because she's not a typical super model sports partner - she's not even blonde) have decided not to get married until marriage equality laws are passed in Australia.

Why didn't I think of that excuse? Damn him.

How To Ensure Awesome Rugby

2014-03-26T23:19:00.001+11:00

Rugby at its finest is a beautiful game. As much an art as a sport. It can be a pleasure to behold, an aesthetic delight to celebrate man (or woman) at his (or her) finest, the perfect combination of power, grace and skill.

But at its worst it is a dirge. A grunting, fumbling, shambolic, stop-start fumble-fest. And don't even get started on the scrums.

Many solutions have been sought to ensure that Rugby is played with the spectator is mind - a place where entertainment meets performance and extreme passion is reflected in perfect execution. On such solution is as simple as reducing the number of players on the field to open spaces and encourage running Rugby, but as any fan knows, that is the realm of Rugby League and Rugby League is only one-step (or maybe even less) from touch football and should be avoided at all costs.

Yet reducing the number of players could still be the solution. here's how...

So forget the debates about playing with teams of 7, 9, 10 or 13. The most thrilling matches this season have been when teams get 2 yellow / red cards and at the time they’re defending a small lead. The Force were brilliant against the Highlanders with two in the bin two weeks ago in holding out and winning at the bell. The Reds were gallant in defeat against the Lions (and the referee) when they had 2 with their feet up with 10 minutes to go.

Clearly, games of Rugby need only be in 2 halves of 10 minutes each. Each team takes turns starting alternate halves with 13 against 15 and a 7 point deficit.

This format showcases the best of Rugby; flowing backline moves, players running into gaps, desperate defence, lung-busting cover tackles, length of the field stuff.

Scrums of 8 against 7 will fully test the mettle of the 7 and the dedication of the 8. One slip up and humiliation and embarrassment with be their only award. But get it right and push-over tries and rolling mauls will result, beautiful things that only Rugby can produce.

Spectators will be rewarded with pace and precision, power and strength in abundance. Legendary come-from-behind victories will be commonplace, and journalists will go into overdrive lauding the performance of gallant victors and losers, gutsy defensive efforts and spectacular showcases.

It's a dream admittedly, so in the meantime hope for head-high tackles, tackling players in the air, cynical offsides and disrupting the ball carrier, even foul play if it come to it. It's the only way to get rid of the 'excess' players and give us the Rugby we want to watch.

Don't Mention the Waratahs

2014-03-12T22:26:00.001+11:00

If I had a dollar for every time someone in the last week has said to me “Aren’t the Tahs playing well?” or “This is their year” or words to that effect I’d buy a pair of boxing gloves and punch them on the nose.

Experienced (as in bitter, twisted and jaded) Waratahs fans only too well know that we’ve been here before. Indeed we go here nearly every year.

So for the record, the Tahs are going to have a crap year in which they will struggle to win consistently, they’ll miss out on the semis, there will be rumours of player discontent, and the crowds will stay away (although that will have more to do with stupid ticketing systems and other absurd concepts out of the Waratahs mismarketing department).

And just to ensure that any scintilla of optimism that remains amongst Australian Rugby fans regarding the Waratahs chances is well and truly erased, don't forget that Israel Folau is only one tackle away from breaking his leg, Kurtley Beale lives in a suburb full of pubs and Michael Cheiks only lasted one season at Stade Francais before everyone hated him and they booted him out.

Waratahs by 19.

EXCLUSIVE: ARU to Approach Government for Cash Handout

2014-03-01T14:06:00.000+11:00

The Rolling Maul has learned* that in light of the Australian Rugby Union expected to announce a financial loss (as opposed to the usual losses on the field) for Super Rugby for the 2014 season it will approach the Commonwealth Government to seek Government support in the form of a cash handout.

The ARU will argue that, like Qantas, an Australian ‘icon’, and Cadbury (delicious), it is deserved of special consideration.

PM Tony Abbott receives
a hospital pass from the ARU

It is expected, that as the Coalition Government believes unions are largely responsible for many pressures felt in the economy – and in this case the Union is solely responsible for its own mismanagement – it would be receptive to such an approach.

It is understood that Prime Minister Tony Abbott will highlight the Union’s award system, in particular that its employees, though being in the entertainment business, only appear in public once a week and enjoy frequent international travel. The Prime Minister is expected to encourage the Union to consider telecommuting and working from home as a cost reduction measures and a pre-requisite to any financial lifeline.

The Treasurer, Joe Hockey, has also indicated he is not averse to increasing the number of foreign workers (particularly New Zealanders and South Africans) in Australian Super Rugby teams. At half the cost of local players, salary cap concerns would be largely removed as, with the decline of the Australian dollar, they would be willing to be paid in their home currencies. The Federal Investment Review Board is said to be willing to consider this.

The shortage of decent front rowers is symptomatic of a wider skills shortage in the Australian Rugby industry. Minister for Employment, Eric Abetz, has indicated a range of non-financial support for the ARU will be investigated, including a special category of 457 visa which could be created to encourage Rugby forwards to temporarily migrate to Australia.

The ARU is also understood to be considering outsourcing its labour woes. Outsourcing is a traditional way of reducing production costs and overcoming local skills shortages.

New Zealanders arriving at Sydney airport could be offered Australian citizenship if they nominate to align themselves with an Australian Rugby province. The Australian Navy may also be canvassed as to its willingness to facilitate the identification of sporting talent amongst asylum seekers.

Backpackers could also be offered combined fruit picking / Rugby visas. Limited to a single Rugby season (coinciding with the fruit picking off season) these visa recipients could be expected to be willing to sleep in dormitories, wear their work clothes for days on end and subsist on a diet of beer and cheese sandwiches.

To increase its chances of receiving Federal assistance, the ARU has indicated it is willing to move its headquarters to a regional centre (Tasmania). This would assist the ARU’s attempt to have it recognised as a member of the rural community and thus be eligible for special hardship assistance, as long as the lack of international Wallaby success can formally be declared a drought.

*made up

Taking the Kids to the Rugby and Other Waratah Cock-Ups

2014-02-26T22:47:00.003+11:00

The Rolling Maul took the boys (aged 6 and 4) to the Sydney Football Stadium on Sunday afternoon, their first time seeing the Waratahs in action. Just as well it was a good match, because off the field, Waratahs management and administration have a lot of work to do

Clearly the work experience kids were in charge of Waratahs HQ on Sunday. The 6 year old's free Junior membership card was supposed to entitle him to a free ticket, but the list price for a family ticket ($60) would have meant no saving at all with two adults ($25 each) and the extra kid ($10). When the Rolling Maul pointed this out to the woman in Waratahs clothing directing us sheep in the queue at the Waratahs membership booth, she essentially said ‘tough’ and directed the Maul to the Junior membership enquiry window to buy the family ticket, where I presented the membership card and was then given a $5 discount. Huh!

Meanwhile, a mate of the Maul wasn’t given the ‘as advertised’ $20 adult ticket and kids free promotion which no one had heard of at the ground bar the marketing department (the other work experience kid no doubt). He then was directed to the wrong side of the ground. The fact he had general admission tickets didn’t seem to matter, he still had to leave the stadium and walk round to the opposite side. And that was even before the pleasure of queueing to buy $7.20 beers in plastic cups.

Nowadays Tah management can't even afford this horse -
Tah Man has to walk everywhere

Pre-match entertainment was non-existent, seems it’s more important that teams warm up on the field. Whatever happened to the good old days of a pre-match match at a time when people are there to see it? At least there’s Tah Man. It's a mystery why he works but he does. He’s cringeworthy and pathetic and everyone knows it but the kids think he’s great. High fives all round, pictures with the kids and some dancing seems to do the trick. It’s a surprise the Tahs haven’t got rid of him as a cost-cutting exercise, certainly there’s no more flags or inflatable noise sticks or any other giveaways these days.

At least the Waratahs won and handsomely at that. Most of the action was up the other end of the field in the first half (fortunately) so reports of the efforts of Cliffy Palu and Will Skelton cannot be confirmed. But Jacques Potgeiter is the real deal. Crunching tackles and strong ball carries, let's just hope this rubs off on Skelton.

And Folau is a freak. The kids got into it once he scored in front of them (they'd joined all the other hordes of kids on the fence by that stage). And even if it took 15 minutes for the second siren at least it existed, the Maul got some snaps of the kids crash-tackling each other under the posts, Dave Dennis bled over everybody from a cut on his chin while signing autogpaphs, Will Skelton was a nice guy and all the Tahs signed their names endlessly.

If only Tahs management can sort out their pricing, lay on some goodies and some decent pre-match Rugby then we'd probably come again, though we'd sacrifice it for a Super Rugby Championship if that's what it takes.