OWNAGE DU CINEMA

IRON MAN 2

2010-05-07T13:22:00.010-04:00

IT IS TO MY SURPRISE AND SERIOUS FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT TO REPORT TO YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THAT IRON MAN 2 PROBABLY HAS THE LOWEST RATE OF OWNINGS PER MINUTE OF ANY BIG SHIT SUMMERTIME BLOCKBUSTER THAT I EVER REMEMBER SEEING. FOR REAL NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS FOR LIKE AN HOUR AND A HALF JUST JACK FUCKING SHIT GOING ON ON THE SCREEN AND THE ONLY ACTION THAT DOES GO ON IS THAT FORMULA 1 RACETRACK SHIT YOU ALL SAW IN THE TRAILERS BACK IN LIKE 2004 SO ITS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. IT STARTS OUT WITH ROURKE AWESOME AS ALWAYS WEARING SHIT THATS OBVIOUSLY STRAIGHT OUT OF HIS OWN FUCKING CLOSET PLUS HES DONE UP EASTERN PROMISES STYLE WITH RUSSIAN GANGSTER TATTOOS AND SHIT AND WE ALL KNOW MOVIES NEED MORE RUSSIAN GANGSTERS

MORE OF THIS SHIT

LESS OF THIS SHIT

SO ROURKES BUILDING SOME HIGH TECH SHIT IN A MONTAGE WITH METAL RIFFS AND LIKE OPERA AND SHIT BLASTING ON THE SOUNDTRACK AND ITS LIKE FUCK YEAH THIS GUY IS GOING TO BRING THE PAIN. BUT THEN ALL THAT POTENTIAL OWNAGE COMES CRASHING TO A HALT WHEN ROBERT DOWNEY JR SHOWS UP FOR SENATE HEARINGS THAT ARE BORING AS FUCK AND GO ON FOREVER

PURE FUCKING MOVIE MAGIC

AND BASICALLY THATS IT. ROBERT DOWNEY JR SPENDS THE NEXT FUCKING HUNDRED MINUTES CHILLING IN HIS AWESOME PAD DRINKING EXPENSIVE SHIT AND WE DONT SEE IRON MAN DO A GODDAMN FUCKING THING. HE DOESNT ROLL INTO IRAN AND BLOW SHIT UP HE DOESNT HEAD OVER TO NORTH KOREA TO SHOW THEM WHO THE FUCKING BIG DOGS ARE AND HE DOESNT FLY TO AFGHANISTAN AND SET THE ENTIRE POPULACE ON FIRE HE DOESNT DO ANY OF THAT SHIT. WERE JUST SUPPOSED TO TAKE THE MOVIE ON ITS WORD THAT ONE ASSHOLE IN A MECH SUIT IS ENOUGH TO MAKE THE REST OF THE WORLD PISS THEMSELVES IN FEAR. AND ITS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IM HERE TO SEE SOME ACTION IM HERE TO SEE SOME VIOLENCE IM HERE TO SEE SOME OWNINGS AND IF I WANTED TO PAY GOOD MONEY TO SEE SOMEONE SIT AROUND BEING DRUNK AND AWESOME ID GET SOME MIRRORS INSTALLED UP IN THIS PIECE

SO ANYWAY SAM ROCKWELLS ONHAND BEING A ROD AND ROURKE JUST KINDA CHECKS OUT OF THE MOVIE FOR AWHILE. YOU GOT SCARLETT JOHANSSON HANGING AROUND BEING HOT BUT SHE HAS EXACTLY DICK TO DO EXCEPT OWN JON FAVREAU AND IM THINKING THAT GUY HAS SELF ESTEEM ISSUES OR SOME SHIT BECAUSE HES DIRECTING THE FUCKING MOVIE AND ALL HE DOES IS LET HIMSELF GET OWNED. HE FINALLY THROWS THE FUCK DOWN OLD SCHOOL DIRTY BOXING STYLE AT THE END BUT EVEN THATS JUST TO MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE A DOUCHE COMPARED TO SCARLETT. I MEAN FAVREAU SEEMS LIKE AN AWESOME DUDE SOMEONE COOL TO HANG OUT WITH WHO PROBABLY WOULDNT TRY TO FUCK YOUR GIRLFRIEND BUT IF IM IN A MOVIE THAT IM DIRECTING ALL THAT NICE GUY SHIT GOES OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW AND IF SCARLETT JOHANNSON WANTS TO STEP INTO THE RING WITH ME SHES GONNA END UP ON HER FUCKING BACK. AND PROBABLY ON ALL FOURS TOO

FAST FUCKING LEARNER

ANYWAY PROBABLY THE BIGGEST SIN THIS MOVIE COMMITS IS THAT IT PASSES UP AN OPPORTUNITY FOR UNPRECEDENTED CARNAGE. TOWARDS THE END AS ROURKES PLAN LOCKS INTO PLACE I WAS ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT THINKING OH MY GOD THIS IS GONNA BE OWNAGE ON A GENOCIDAL SCALE AND ALREADY IN MY MIND I WAS HAVING VISIONS OF MURDER MAYHEM BODIES LITTERING THE STREETS AND INNOCENT BYSTANDERS GETTING KNOCKED ON THEIR ASS AND TRAMPLED. IT WAS LIKE FUCK YEAH AFTER SITTING HERE THROUGH AN HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES OF ROBERT DOWNEY JR AND SAM ROCKWELL TRYING TO OUTDOUCHE EACH OTHER IM FINALLY GOING TO GET WHAT I FUCKING PAID FOR. BUT FUCK NO. FUCKING THING LIMPS ACROSS THE FINISH LINE AND I SAT THERE FUCKING PISSED AND IF I HADNT FINISHED MY 44 OZ ICEE TEN MINUTES AFTER THE MOVIE STARTED YOU BETTER BELIEVE THERE WOULDVE BEEN A GREAT BIG CHERRY RED STREAK RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THAT FUCKING MOVIE SCREEN

FINAL JUDGMENT: OPTIONAL

ALSO CONTRARY TO WHAT THE ONION SAID GWYNETH PALTROW DOESNT GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE AND THAT FUCKING PISSED ME OFF TOO

MONTY PYTHON

2010-04-24T19:24:00.003-04:00

OKAY SO I WAS OUT WITH THIS CHICA EARLIER THIS WEEK AND SHES KINDA LIKE A LAB TECH TYPE CHICK WITH GLASSES AND HAIR TIED BACK NOT REALLY GIVING A FUCK ALL CARRYING ON ABOUT THE TV SHOW BIG BANG THEORY WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS. THEN SHE STARTED BUSTING OUT IMPRESSIONS ALL THESE WACK BRITISH VOICES AND CARRYING ON AND SHIT AND I WAS LIKE WHOA WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THAT AND SHE WAS LIKE YOU DONT KNOW ABOUT MONTY PYTHON AND I WAS LIKE FUCK NO BECAUSE I DONT WATCH WACK SHIT. DONT KNOW DONT CARE CANT WATCH IT DONT GIVE A FUCK. SO SHE STARTS EXPLAINING IT ALL TO ME AND SHES PRATTLING THE FUCK ON AND THEN I STARTED TO REALIZE WAIT HOLY SHIT I KINDA KNOW WHAT SHES TALKING ABOUT HERE. BUT NOT BECAUSE I EVER SAW ANY OF IT. BASICALLY I ABSORBED IT THROUGH THE INTERNET AND MOVIES AND TSHIRTS AND GEEKY MOTHERFUCKERS TALKING ABOUT IT AND SHIT LIKE THAT AND I WAS LIKE WOW ALL THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT THE BLACK KNIGHT AND WHATEVER OTHER FUCKING STUPID AND WACK SHIT IS TAKING UP MY BRAINSPACE. ITS BULLSHIT

THE POINT IS THIS. FUCK SECONDHAND SMOKE THE REAL THREAT IS SECONDHAND WACKNESS

Breaking Bad 3.5: "Mas"

2010-04-21T03:13:00.003-04:00

Grade: A. I was like "A+!" about a minute and twelve seconds into it but it sank from excellence into solidness after the AWESOME flashback sequence. So it goes.

Since this review is so late (apologies, loyal readers) I'll just give a couple theories about broader themes of the episode, and then a collection of random observations.

Themes: Skyler, turnaround, blah blah blah. I liked that this episode was so Skyler focused after last week's hate-on-Skyler fest. I liked that Marie's phone convo with Skyler made us think that the point of it was that Marie was having trouble with her marriage and Skyler was going to console her mid-cheating on her OWN marriage, but then turned abruptly to some realization. I also was really interested by the fact that the episode started off with that flashback. (My first thought was: It's nice that Jesse had friends, at least.) What's the point? Jesse fucked Walt over, so now Walt is fucking Jesse over? Is that supposed to make us more sympathetic to Walt? (I fucking hate Walt at this point.) It's obvious that Jesse's carefree youthful debauchery at strip club is presented as much more forgivable than Walt's backstabbing--especially when we contrast it with Jesse's current miserable condition. Also, I was moderately surprised that Breaking Bad used a flashback--I feel like the show usually assumes its viewers are familiar with every minutiae of the canon.

Also, I've never been in a strip club but I feel like that place looks a lot better on the inside than it does on the outside. Is that, like, normal?

Random thoughts:

-Jesse sounded a lot like Walt when he was railing on the phone about the RV. "My RV, my money" or something, and "Escalate THIS!" Hmm . . .
- So THAT'S where the money Ted's been shifting around is going, huh?
- Nice bracelets Skyler
- So Gomez's first name is Steven! Did we know that? I was totally delighted by that because that's so true to life that Hank would ONLY call him by his last name and Marie goes "Steven." Gender stereotype but it's true.
- Walt's speech to Mr. Fring about being perceived as selfish came absolutely out of nowhere. I guess we can conclude that Walt feels guilty about how selfish he is being, and is projecting that onto Fring? Incidentally about 30 seconds prior I had scrawled down "Walt's a selfish motherfucker" on my index card notes. Good call, Walt.
- The lab Fring set up looks EXACTLY like a cartoon superhero lair. Or something out of Tintin. I was entertained.
- Awwwwwwwwwwwwww Combo liked KRS-ONE.
- Finally, that shower. Hank and Marie's shower is like the wackest shower I've ever seen. Either it has shitty, shitty water pressure (which I guess is not that surprising, for New Mexico? Never been to NM but that's what CA is like), or it was a ridiculously false effect where they just had water noise. Notice that the hanging shelf thing must have been hanging off the shower head so we should have SEEN the water. But we didn't. Yet Hank was wet. What the fuck? I may be nitpicking but thinking about the wackness of the shower distracted me the whole goddamn scene, which probably isn't what they were going for. And why do they have a handicap bar in there? What a mystery.

So finally--Jesse Jesse Jesse. The entire time Hank was walking over to the picture I was like "Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no" out loud (but more times than that). I hope he ditches the RV. I DON'T WANT JESSE TO GO TO JAIL. I mean, I have to marry him and all. But in all seriousness, I'm really pleased that the plot is progressing like that. The hot-on-the-trail thing is totally as good a plot accelerator as lung cancer was.

I DEFER TO CAGE

2010-04-20T21:09:00.004-04:00

KICKASS

2010-04-16T16:12:00.005-04:00

THIS GOT OFF TO A GOOD START WHEN I HIT THE THEATER AT NOON AND THE SMOKIN HOT POPCORN GIRL WAS LIKE SO WHATS UP YOU PLAYING HOOKY TO SEE KICKASS AND I WAS LIKE FUCK YEAH HOTNESS YOU SHOULD COME DO THE SAME BECAUSE NONE OF THESE FAT FUCKS NEED POPCORN ANYWAY. SHE COULDNT COME ALONG BUT SHE GAVE ME A FREE MOUNTAIN DEW SO FUCK YEAH I WENT IN THERE WITH GOODWILL TOWARDS MEN OR AT LEAST CHICAS

ANYWAY THE MOVIE ANSWERS A QUESTION THAT IVE WONDERED ABOUT A LOT AND THAT IS THIS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU TAKE SOMETHING THATS COMPLETELY WACK AND INJECT IT WITH HARDCORE UNADULTERATED UNCUT FUCKING OWNAGE. IN THE CASE OF KICKASS YOU HAVE SOME WACKASS SPIDERMAN TYPE SHIT TAKING PLACE IN NEW YORK CITY ABOUT SOME DOUCHEY KID WHO ROCKS SOME AWESOME CLARENCE BODDICKER STYLE GLASSES THAT HE DOESNT REALLY NEED PLUS HE JACKS OFF ALL THE TIME. HES A STUTTERING DUMB FUCK AROUND THIS GIRL THAT HE LIKES AND HE HANGS OUT WITH SOME RAINN WILSON LOOKING TOOL AND SOME OTHER MOTHERFUCKER WHO I GUESS IS MUTE AND THEYRE ALWAYS BREAKING HIS BALLS ABOUT THIS OR THAT AND FINALLY HE DECIDES HE WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO FOR NO GOOD FUCKING REASON SO ITS ALL SOME PRETTY BASIC SHIT COMPLETE WITH A DRONINGASS VOICEOVER THAT NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT

ALL THATS FINE AND FUCKING DANDY BUT ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES INTO IT I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK BECAUSE THIS WAS DIRECTED BY MATTHEW LAYER CAKE VAUGHN AND I KEEP HEARING ABOUT HOW ITS OWNAGE BUT SO FAR IT JUST LOOKS LIKE SUPERHERO MOVIE TO ME RIGHT DOWN TO THE UNFUNNY JOKES AND THE STUPIDASS GREEN COSTUME SO IM ABOUT READY TO WALK THE FUCK OUT

BASICALLY ITS THE SAME SHIT

THEN OUT COMES GOD CAGE IN A FAKE STACHE LEVELING A PISTOL AT A LITTLE GIRL AND MARK STRONG RUNNING SHIT LIKE THE AWESOME TALL BALD FUCK THAT HE IS PLUS JACKIE APRILE SR CALLING PEOPLE SCUMBAG IN HIS MOOKASS NEW YORK ACCENT AND IM LIKE ABOUT FUCKING TIME AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT MOTHERFUCKERS ARE GETTING STABBED AND SHOT AND BEAT ALL TO FUCK AND ITS A FUCKING ROLLERCOASTER OF OWNAGE BASICALLY FROM THEN ON OUT

NOW THE BIG DEAL IN THE MOVIE IS HITGIRL WHOS CAGES DAUGHTER AND SHES THIS ELEVEN YEAR OLD GIRL WHO IS A FUCKING WHIRLING DERVISH OF MASS MURDER AND OWNAGE. SHE SHOOTS FUCKERS STABS FUCKERS BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF PEOPLE AND CAN EVEN MAKE PEOPLE BLOW THEIR OWN FUCKING BRAINS OUT AND BASICALLY SHE WILL FUCK YOU UP AND EVERYBODY YOU KNOW AND SHE WONT EVEN GIVE A FUCK PLUS SHE CAN TAKE A BEATING LIKE MOTHERFUCKING MICK FOLEY. ALREADY ALL OVER THE INTERNET I SEE PEOPLE PISSING AND MOANING ABOUT THIS LITTLE GIRL DEALING RUTHLESS OWNINGS WHOLESALE AND DROPPING THE FUCKWORD EVERY OTHER SENTENCE. THESE PEOPLE ARE BITCHES AND SHOULD NOT BE RECOGNIZED. HITGIRL IS THE REAL STAR OF THIS SHIT NOT THAT DOUCHE IN THE LEAD OR EVEN ANY OF THE AWESOME ACTORS IN IT BECAUSE THIS LITTLE CHICA IS OWNAGE IN GIRL SCOUT FORM AND I ALWAYS WANTED A SON BUT AFTER SEEING THIS SHIT I THINK ID ALMOST RATHER FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF CAGE AND RAISE A DAUGHTER IN THE WAYS OF DOMINANCE AND CARNAGE AND KNIFE FIGHTING

OWNAGE

IM ALSO GONNA SEE ABOUT GETTING A STROBE ATTACHMENT FOR MY .45 BECAUSE THAT THING FUCKING OWNED

NOW I WANNA MAKE A POINT RIGHT NOW ITS NOT ALL AWESOMENESS IN FACT ONCE RED MIST HITS THE SCENE I WAS LIKE WHOA WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED TO THIS MOVIE BECAUSE RED MIST AND THE ASSHOLE WHO PLAYS HIM IS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FUCKING EMBARRASSMENT ALL LOOKING LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN BITCHASS NITE OWL FROM WATCHMEN AND MARILYN MANSON ON THAT ALBUM COVER WHERE HE HAS TITS. AND WHEN THEYRE CRUISING AROUND IN THAT FRUITYASS MISTMOBILE GROOVING TO THE SONG CRAZY BY THOSE TWO ASSHOLES WHO WERE ALWAYS DRESSING UP LIKE CLOCKWORK ORANGE BACK IN 2006 OR WHENEVER THE FUCK I WAS ABOUT READY TO LAUNCH MY 44 OZ MOUNTAIN DEW AT THE SCREEN. SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY PAINFULLY WACK SHIT AND WHEN THIS COMES OUT ON DVD IM GONNA MAKE MY OWN DIRECTORS CUT AND CHOP ALL THAT RIGHT THE FUCK OUT

RED MIST AND HIS FAT CHICK HAIR

MORE WACKNESS IS THAT THEY RECYCLED THE MUSIC FROM 28 DAYS LATER AND 28 WEEKS LATER BECAUSE ITS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK ITS BAD ENOUGH WHEN THEY USE THE SAME SONG AS ANOTHER MOVIE BUT THIS IS THE SAME SCORE AND REALLY ITS JUST SOME LURCHING ASS METAL RIFFS SO ALL YOU DIRECTORS OUT THERE READING THIS DONT LOOT AWESOME MUSIC FROM OTHER MOVIES WHEN YOU NEED A LITTLE METAL JUST GIVE KERRY FUCKING KING A CALL TO LAY DOWN SOME TRACKS FOR YOU OR EVEN CHARLIE CLOUSER. I MEAN ITS ONE THING WHEN YOURE USING SOME AWESOME SHIT LIKE THE THEME FROM FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE BECAUSE IT AINT LIKE ENNIO MORRICONE GROWS ON TREES BUT METAL TRACKS SHOULD BE A LITTLE EASIER TO COME BY

IM ALSO GONNA MAKE NOTE TO THE FACT THAT MOST OF THE VIOLENCE AND OWNAGE IS MORE LIKE WANTED STYLE KINDA PLASTIC AND SLICK AND THATS FINE BUT I PREFER MY VIOLENCE TO BE MORE LIKE OUT FOR JUSTICE OR THE SHIELD OR GOODFELLAS JUST DOWN AND DIRTY AND HARDCORE AND MESSY. BUT THATS MY OWN PREFERENCE AND YOU CAN LIKE WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT

ANYWAY WHEN ITS ALL SAID AND DONE THIS THING IS A SOLID B MOSTLY BECAUSE OF HITGIRL AND ALL THE MAYHEM ON DISPLAY

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

2010-04-13T09:52:00.003-04:00

Hey guys I just watched this awesome movie called Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans and smoked crack it's a really good movie it has Nicholas Cage and he's a bad lieutenant and he smokes crack and does other drugs because he has a bad back I don't have a bad back but still

I was going to try and write an entire post in "crack talking" but honestly, no one wants that. Anyway, I really dig this movie and I think it's probably destined to be some kind of "cult classic" much more so than the original which is much less "fun," in the conventional sense. Cage's character, despite being a pretty unambiguous scumbag for most of the movie, is intensely likable. Much like the characters that Klaus Kinski plays in Werner Herzog's other movies with him, Cage is a force of nature who you can't help but like even when he's doing despicable things. He even looks like Kinski in a few particularly wild-eyed moments. As much as I like the movie I can't help but imagine what a 70s cop movie directed by Herzog and starring Kinski would have been like. Answer: amazing.

A lot of the reviews for this movie are saying that Cage is the only reason to watch, or that he elevates the material, and shit like that. I find this condescending and misguided. First of all, there are other entertaining performances in the movie from Michael Shannon, Val Kilmer, and whoever that "whoa yeah" guy is (I'm not doing research for a blog that doesn't even have ads anymore - more on that later). Herzog is in top form as well, with lots of nifty long takes (which I am a sucker for) and other memorable visuals, like the (in?)famous "iguana cam." It IS true that the plot (and the way this plot is delivered to the audience) has a bit of a perfunctory, almost TV-procedural quality to it. But part of me actually likes this conceit, because it throws the unhinged nature of Cage's character into sharper relief, and also plays with audience expectations as far as the whole "loose cannon cop who gets results" trope is concerned. More playing with audience expectations can be found in the ending as well, but I don't want to get too spoilery on here.

A couple of things:

I really, really like the score in this. Almost Hermann-esque at times, I really liked it. Also Herzog reuses the music from the famous dancing chicken scene in Strozsek for a shoot-out, which fit perfectly I might add.
I don't know how many of my readers are fans of the TV show Space Ghost: Coast to Coast, but Val Kilmer's delivery (and repetition) of the line "there ain't no iguana" is EXACTLY like Moltar's saying "there ain't no village" on an episode of Space Ghost. It's got to be a coincidence, but if the chronology were reversed and Space Ghost came AFTER Port of Call New Orleans, I'd be certain it was an intentional reference.
The reason there aren't any ads on the site anymore is because apparently it's against Google Adsense policy to display ads on sites with "mature content." This, I think it goes without saying, is fucking bullshit. I thought this was the fucking internet, not goddamn American Idol. Fuck you Google Adsense -- we had made almost 3 dollars from ad clicks on this site. Three fucking dollars.

Oh my GOD (aka "Breaking Bad 3.4: Green Light)

2010-04-13T02:52:00.002-04:00

Grade: A+. This was either as good as or within the same range as "Grilled" (2.2), the best hour of television ever on television.

I don't think I can provide a sophisticated review because I liked this so damn much. The deepest analysis I can compose myself enough to think of is that everyone is losing it, career-wise, at the same time (except Jesse and Saul and Mike the Cleaner, I guess). Ted and Skyler are totally embarrassed at work, Walt is fucking crazy and Hank is almost there.

Here are some scattered and over-emotional observations: I came up with "A+" approximately seven minutes into the episode and spent part of it waving my hands at the computer in sheer delight. First of all: The Beneke waiting room magazine Walt is reading is "Fabrication Quarterly." Ha, ha. Then, SAUL FUCKING GOODMAN in that fucking scene. Oh my god, is he on or is he on. Also, "It's not that bad to have someone watching your back" gave me chills. I really, really, really like Mike the Cleaner. He really sells the "normal guy with a job" aspect of crime.

I can't tell to what extent I think Walt cracking the fuck up is overplayed or not. Sure, it's kind of funny, and we all know Bryan Cranston can be funny (and has been in the two previous seasons--I REALLY liked that scene where he accosts Hank in the fake-Heisenberg arrest scheme), but . . . I don't know. I read somewhere once that Wesley from "Angel" is one of television's best examples of a character who undergoes a totally believable, perfectly gradual yet radical transformation from show's beginning to end. Coincidentally, Wesley also starts out as a nebbish and ends up a total fucking badass with cringe-inducingly compromised morals. I guess I should withhold skepticism for a bit but I still don't feel like the show has completely earned audience acceptance of Walt's wacky antics.

When Walt got in Jesse's car I said out loud "That car is going to drive away with Walt's box on top." Yup. I thought their exchange was a particularly compelling illustration of their role reversal--Jesse focused businessman, Walt over-emotional freaker outer. When Jesse was showing Walt the finished product and averring that he wouldn't use again, I considered--might Walt ever do meth? It seems to go with the role reversal schema. It's an interesting question. Now that Walt seems to have zero moral qualms whatsoever, why shouldn't he try the goddamn product if it's so kickass? But in any event, another thing I shouted at my computer was STOP BEING A DOUCHEBAG, MOTHERFUCKER. Oh yeah, and LOL at "They'd know, wouldn't they?"

Skyler: You're not supposed to make photocopies with the lid open; it wastes toner. But I thought that her and Ted's conversation was both weirdly cute and sort of embarrassing to watch. Did anyone else get that? Like I could barely look when she kissed Ted last ep.

And here's my favorite thing about this episode: The fucking fake out in the questioning room. Oh my god, I have no doubt every viewer was fucking shocked when it wasn't the girl. AND THEN IT WAS! This is such a textbook illustration of why Breaking Bad is the greatest show on television.

Anyway, this episode really hopped along. I don't have any complaints--I like a fast paced episode, and after the last few, which I felt were pretty slow, this was a great chance of pace. And finally, Jesse. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. (This is the least rational part of this review) I am like dying of nerves for Jesse. Look at him in that first scene. Look at him talking to Walt in the car. Look at him talking to Saul fucking Goodman. What excellent acting. Look how great he looks smoking a cigarette.

So to make this more interactive, I'll throw out two questions for our readers:
1. Do you guys think Walt will try the meth this season? I've become fascinated by this idea.
2. Any suggestions for how I can meet and marry Aaron Paul (who, I know, is not actually Jesse Pinkman)?

Breaking Bad 3.3. "I.F.T." (aka FUCK YEAH BREAKING BAD)

2010-04-06T01:45:00.005-04:00

Rating: A. See, THIS is why I love this show so so so so much. I was all "A! A! A!" about a minute and a half into it. The pre-credit opening was pitch perfect: exposition you don't notice, back story, fanservice etc. You knew what was coming the second the guy sat down next to Tortuga.

This episode also had a lot of those little real-to-life details I've been complaining about the absence of. Gus Fring peeling the cling film off the vegetable tray, the fact that the cousins jack a wheelchair accessible van (which, admittedly, seems kind of unnecessary, but it was a rare moment of general showoff-iness I oddly didn't mind), Jesse setting the cactus down by his door, Walt wiping the pizza off the roof, Texas fucking Toast! Oh, and my absolute favorite--the guy dropping Spanish to say "Heisenberg" and "Walter White" with a perfect American accent. That really killed me. Everybody does that but nobody ever thinks to mention it.

Jesse: quality in this episode. Also I couldn't help myself from saying "Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot" (out loud--and I'm the only person in the room) in that first scene of his when he was talking to Saul. Goddamn. At first I didn't think I liked the clean cut thing, but . . . yeah. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. I admit this is not my most nuanced criticism. Also: heartbreaking. Calling a dead person's answering machine is another one of those things people do but don't talk about.

Another point: Sandwiches! I think I may have forgotten to mention this here, and only said it on the AVC boards, but I'm really digging Breaking Bad's sandwich theme.

Walt continues to be inscrutable. I don't really like it--as long as we can't see his perspective, I want more Jesse. On the other hand, I was very interested in Skyler this episode, an extremely welcome change. The mock-iconic image of her smoking by the window was hilarious, very Tennessee Williams. I was envisioning some kind of argument--"You're smoking!" "You're a drug dealer!" Because there's no way Walt and Walter Jr. couldn't smell the smoke, window or no window. "I fucked Ted" was great, and it came at a time when I was like "The episode is almost over, what the hell dramatic thing can happen to conclude it?" Incidentally, my iTunes download bleeped out "fuck." What the fuck? They never did that before.

So yeah. Solid episode. Tons of forward motion--not much terror and suspense, but that's fine--lots of awesome, we finally have some real plot lines. My opinion is that Walt, Jesse and Saul are going to have to take out the cousins. Unless Walt dies of cancer first, there's no way that he can survive while they are still alive. Somehow, I have a hard time imagining that Breaking Bad will end with Walt machete'd by laconic gangsters. I just don't see a stopgap solution to this.

Gripes: I think the scenario with the attorney was implausible. Nevertheless, the episode's transparent attempt to put Skyler in dramatic secret-keeping situations was somewhat mitigated by the fact that she killed the suspense so quickly in the second scenario. Also, I think that Bloomin' Onion jokes are pretty tired by now. But that's pretty much it. My faith in the show has been returned.

Yet another non-movie-related post

2010-04-05T12:49:00.006-04:00

Hello, loyal readers! As you probably haven't noticed, I have recently been on hiatus from the grotesque haunted carnival funhouse mirror reflection of my life that is OWNAGE DU CINEMA in order to spend more time with my family. However, sometimes life brings events that are more important than one's children. This is one of those times.

Several weeks ago I became aware of the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest. I immediately realized that I was destined to win, as this is a contest that is predicated upon the thing that I do best: Writing shit that no one else thinks is funny. I expected to keep submitting captions for years, always wondering if this would be the week that I finally made it to the top 3. Maybe it would become a family tradition, with me passing the torch of submitting cartoon captions to The New Yorker on to my children, and they to their children, and so on, for generations. Maybe I would meet a girl who doesn't go for droll one-liners but instead slapstick, and I'd lose interest in New Yorker Cartoons and spend my time trying to craft the perfect pie-to-the-face gag or banana peel slip. What I DIDN'T expect to happen is that I would make the top 3 after less than a handful of submissions. This, of course, is precisely what happened.

"Why are you telling us this, Joseph?" I can hear you asking. Well, it is because I must ask you to do something for me in my time of need. If you love me, if you have ever loved me, or if you plan to love me in the future, please vote for my caption here. It may be the most important thing you ever do in your entire life.

CLASH OF THE TITANS

2010-04-04T16:24:00.005-04:00

CLASH OF THE TITANS WAS PRETTY AWESOME I MEAN IT PROMISED MYTHICAL OWNAGE AND DELIVERED A LOT OF IT LOTS OF SCORPIONS LOTS OF DUDES MADE OUT OF WOOD AND LOTS OF WHATEVER THE FUCK THOSE THINGS WERE THAT RALPH FIENNES KEPT CHANGING INTO BUT IM NOT SURE WHY THE CGI WAS SO SHITTY. AND I WANTED MORE GODS AND LESS MEN BECAUSE I WAS SITTING THERE THINKING WOW I GUESS SAM WORTHINGTONS CREW IS OKAY EXCEPT I DONT EVEN REMEMBER WHO THE FUCK ANY OF THEM ARE AND BESIDES IM HERE TO SEE HADES DEALING OWNINGS AND ZEUS THROWING THUNDERBOLTS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE NOT SIX ASSHOLES STRAIGHT OUT OF 300 MOPING AROUND THE WOODS FOR AN HOUR. BASICALLY I WANT WHAT I PAID FOR. PLUS A LOT OF IT DIDNT REALLY MAKE SENSE TO ME. LIKE HADES AND ZEUS BOTH WANT TO OWN THE HUMANS SO REALLY WHATS THE ISSUE HERE JUST FUCKING OWN THEM ALL AND BE DONE WITH IT. ZEUS ALL PASSING OUT SWORDS AND COINS AND SHIT TRYING TO HELP OUT PERSEUS I SAY FUCK THAT. IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN MY BROTHER USED TO LET ME BEAT HIS ASS AT MORTAL KOMBAT EVEN THOUGH I KNEW FULL GODDAMN WELL I COULDNT BEAT HIM ON MY OWN. LIKE I DONT NEED YOUR CHARITY BITCH ILL TAKE A BEATING LIKE A MAN

BUT FUCK ALL THAT LETS TALK ABOUT LIAM NEESON. NOW WE ALL KNOW THAT LIAM NEESON IS SIX FOOT FIVE INCHES WORTH OF PURE OLD MAN TOUGH IRISH OWNAGE BUT CLASH OF THE TITANS CONFIRMS HIS UTTER GODHOOD BECAUSE NEESON SIGNING ON TO PLAY ZEUS DIDNT EVEN RATE AS CASTING NEWS. HOLY SHIT I REMEMBER READING SOME HEADLINE LIKE NEESON SET TO PLAY ZEUS AND I WAS LIKE WELL NO FUCKING SHIT WHO THE FUCK ELSE IS GONNA PLAY ZEUS ANSWER NOBODY. YOU WANT SOME SMUG SALT AND PEPPER ASSHOLE YOU CALL GEORGE CLOONEY. YOU WANT SOME OLD MOTHERFUCKER WHO REMEMBERS THE LBJ ADMINISTRATION BUT STILL ACTS LIKE HES 24 YOU CALL BRAD PITT. BUT WHEN YOU WANT SOMEONE TO PLAY THE KING OF ALL GODS AND THE ULTIMATE IN ANCIENT OLD WORLD MYTHOLOGICAL OWNAGE YOU DONT JUST CALL LIAM NEESON YOU GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES AND YOU PRAY TO HIM

RELEASE THE OWNAGE BITCH

AND THERES SOME SPOILERS IN THIS PARAGRAPH BUT JUST TO MAKE MY POINT THERES A PART IN CLASH OF THE TITANS WHERE SOME DUMBASS MORTAL KING IS TALKING SHIT ABOUT ZEUS SO WHAT DOES ZEUS DO? DOES HE PUT A PLAGUE ON THE KINGDOM? NO DOES HE SLAUGHTER ALL THE TOWNSFOLK OR WHOEVER THE FUCK? NO DOES HE LAUNCH A THUNDERBOLT UP THE KINGS ASS? NO DOES HE SAY FUCK IT LETS LET BYGONES BE BYGONES? FUCK NO WHAT HE DOES IS THIS. ZEUS GOD OF ALL GODS COMES DOWN OFF OF MOUNT OLYMPUS AND FUCKS THE QUEEN AND THEN HE SMIRKS ABOUT IT RIGHT AT THE KING AND THEN HE TURNS INTO A BIRD AND FLIES THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. NOW THAT IS OWNAGE ON A SCALE THAT EVEN I CAN BARELY COMPREHEND AND ITS NO WONDER THAT THE KING DUMPED HER FUCKING ASS IN THE SEA AFTERWARDS BECAUSE ITS NOT LIKE YOURE GONNA BAT CLEANUP AFTER THE GOD OF THUNDER. I MEAN HOLY SHIT ONCE YOUR GIRLS BEEN FUCKED BY A DEITY YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF

BREAKING BAD FUCK YEAH S3E2

2010-03-30T15:46:00.013-04:00

WELL HOLY SHIT NOW THAT THE QUIZ BOWL CHAMP HAS HAD HER SAY LET ME JUST EXPLAIN HOW SHES DEAD FUCKING WRONG ON ALL COUNTS

NUMBER ONE OUIJA BOARDS OWN BIGASS EXPLOSIONS OWN SMOKING A WHOLE TRUCKLOAD OF PEOPLE OWNS AND I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT REALITY BECAUSE REALITY IS BORING AND STUPID. ALL I CARE ABOUT IS OWNAGE AND THESE TWO SCARY MEXICAN MOTHERFUCKERS WHIPPING OUT A OUIJA BOARD WHILE TUCOS FUCKED UP INSANE WITH RAGE UNCLE SPELLS OUT WALTER WHITE IS DEFINITELY OWNAGE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT TO BE FAIR TO AWESOME ELLIE I WILL SAY THAT BREAKING BAD USUALLY BALANCES RIGHT BETWEEN REALITY AND OWNAGE BUT THE DIFFERENCE IS IF IT TIPS MORE TOWARDS OWNAGE I DONT GIVE A FUCK AND SHE APPARENTLY DOES

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THESE GUYS

NUMBER TWO JESSE ISNT LEARNING TO BE RESPONSIBLE HES LEARNING TO FUCKING OWN. HE IS EMBRACING THE DARKNESS AND VILLAINY IN HIS SOUL AND THIS IS REVEALED WHEN HE PUTS THE ULTIMATE JACKSLAP ON HIS PARENTS AND HE IS FUCKING LOVING IT. I CANT WAIT FOR WALT TO FINALLY DO THE SAME THING AND GET PAID

OH MY GOD WERE GETTING FUCKING OWNED

NUMBER THREE SKYLER SUCKS SHES ALWAYS SUCKED AND HALF THE THRILL OF THE SHOW IS WAITING FOR WALT TO OWN HER OLD HARPY ASS EVEN THOUGH HE HARDLY EVER DOES. FUCK THAT NAGGING OLD HEN AND FUCK ALL HER BULLSHIT BECAUSE IF I WAS WALT I WOULDNT HAVE THROWN THAT PIZZA ON THE ROOF I WOULDVE THROWN IT ON THE FUCKING FLOOR AND MADE HER CLEAN IT UP

FINE YOU DONT WANT IT THIS FUCKERS GOING ON THE ROOF

AND REAL QUICK WHILE IM ON THE TOPIC OF SKYLER AND HOW SHE SUCKS HERES A LITTLE KNOWN FACT ABOUT HER SHES PLAYED BY ANNA GUNN WHO PLAYED IN ENEMY OF THE STATE. NOW YOU FIGURE SHES GOTTA BE LIKE 40 NOW RIGHT WHICH MEANS SHE WOULDVE BEEN LIKE 28 OR 29 WHEN SHE DID ENEMY OF THE STATE AND WHO DID SHE PLAY IN ENEMY OF THE STATE? THE WIFE OF GOVERNMENT ASSHOLE JON VOIGHT. NOW WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE A TROPHY WIFE OR A HOT YOUNG WIFE BECAUSE VOIGHT OWNS SO HARD ANSWER FUCK NO SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE JUST AS OLD AS VOIGHTS WRINKLED OLD ASS AND SHE WAS LIKE THE MOTHER OF HIS TEENAGE CHILDREN AND YOU KNOW WHAT NOBODY NOTICED AND NOBODY COMMENTED AND THE REASON FOR THAT IS BECAUSE SHES SOUR AS FUCK AND SHE COMES OFF LIKE SOME PISSY OLD NUN OR SOME SHIT

FUCK OFF SKYLER

I WANNA MAKE ANOTHER POINT THE MORE WALTER DENIES HIS TRUE NATURE THE MORE DANGEROUS HE IS BECAUSE WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO IS HOLE UP AND COOK FOR THREE MONTHS AND MAKE THAT SKRILLA THEN BAIL THE FUCK OUT TO HAWAII OR SOME SHIT AND RETIRE. FUCK HIS WIFE FUCK HIS KIDS FUCK HIS HOUSE FUCK HIS JOB FUCK HIS FORMER LIFE BECAUSE THERE ARE GREENER PASTURES RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER OR SHOULD I SAY BLUER PASTURES. I MEAN SHIT ID RATHER BE WALT THE BADASS RETIRED METH KINGPIN THAN MR WHITE THE HENPECKED DOUCHE STILL TRYING TO CLING TO SOME SHITTY MARRIAGE ANYWAY. FACTOR IN THE STONE KILLERS AFTER HIM AND THAT MAKES THE DECISION A HELL OF A LOT EASIER BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT HES LUCKY HE STILL HAS FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES BECAUSE OTHERWISE HED BE FUCKING FIREWOOD BY NOW

JUST ANOTHER SUNDAY AFTERNOON IN MY WORLD

MORE STRAY OBSERVATIONS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK

HEY SKYLER WHY DONT YOU EYEFUCK THAT BENEKE DOUCHE A LITTLE BIT MORE HOLY SHIT

PROPS TO WALT JR FOR FINALLY OWNING UP TO HIS HERITAGE AND OWNING HIS MOTHER

TUCOS UNCLE LOOKS LIKE THAT WHACKED OUT DUDE FROM CLOCKWORK ORANGE EXCEPT HES PROBABLY EVEN MORE FUCKED UP THAN THAT GUY WAS

ALL THIS TALK ABOUT POLLOS HERMANOS HAS ME EATING FRIED CHICKEN LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER LATELY. LAST NIGHT I GOT POPEYES AND EVEN THOUGH THE SPICY FLAVOR OWNS I DONT REALLY LIKE THE CRISPY OUTSIDE OF THE CHICKEN SO KFC REMAINS THE GRAND CHAMPION OF AWESOMEASS CHICKEN. ID GET CHURCHS CHICKEN BUT I ALREADY KNOW THAT THATS GREASY AND WACK

WALT NEEDS TO DITCH SKYLER AND HAVE SAUL HOOK HIM UP. WANT SOME THAI TAIL OR SOME CZECH CHICAS BETTER CALL SAUL HOLY SHIT THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE HED BE A BLAST TO HANG OUT WITH. WALT NEEDS TO HIT THE CLUBS WITH SAUL AND HIS AWESOME CAR AND THE CLEANER AND GUS AND JESSE AND THEYD BE THE AWESOMEST POSSE EVER. SHIT THEY COULD EVEN SEE IF HANK WANTS TO COME TOO. EXCEPT HES EVEN MORE BITCHWHIPPED THAN WALT PLUS HE TALKS TOO GODDAMN MUCH SO MAYBE BRING SKINNY PETE INSTEAD

Breaking Bad 3.2: "Caballo Sin Nombre"

2010-03-30T02:56:00.006-04:00

Sorry for the late review. I found this episode markedly better than the premiere. I'd say B+, largely based on the second half of the episode.

This episode seemed to have a couple overarching themes--blindness, scrutiny and inscrutability, and parents and children concealing things from each other. The episode begins with Walt blinded by pepper spray (I liked the snot effect) and ended with him blinded by soap. The first time the pink bear eye showed up, I thought "I'm sick of this" but I really enjoyed the way it was used in the final scene, and I liked that Walt brought it back with him in his suitcase. Meanwhile, Skyler and Walt hide the nature of their conflict from Walter Jr., Skyler lamely attempts to call Beneke out with a cliched "But think of the children!" and Jesse buys his house out from under the noses of his reticent parents. Much of the episode revolves around deliberate lack of knowledge and refusals to communicate. Maybe this is some kind of symbolic reference to uncertainty about the future--like I said last time, I think I underrated lung cancer as a plot accelerant. Walt and Jesse are still floating along without a project; I hope the Pollos deal heats up soon.

One gripe with this episode (and the season so far) is the continuation of flashy stunts that seem uncharacteristic and unnecessary. I'm thinking specifically of the Ouija board, here. Breaking Bad used to have this extremely refreshing sense of realism, such as when Walt had to duct tape his rolls of cash into the vent so they wouldn't blow away. But that said, the last scene totally killed me. I was finally on the edge of my seat!

And my final formal observation--we, as viewers, don't really seem to be able to get into Walt's head anymore. Where is he driving and why is he so into his broken windshield? Why does he fish the band-aid out of the hotel pool? What's the explanation for his ridiculous, improbable beer and popcorn bender? Previously Walt even served as an audience surrogate with all his caution and panic, (not to mention his Ph.D. and underdog-y good nature). I bet we'd all agree that the turning point for Walt's relatability is when he lets Jane choke to death, but it's interesting to go into the new season so alienated from the viewpoint of the purported main character. Maybe this presages a dynamic where Jesse is the one who's all responsible and shit, so I'm really looking forward to seeing this when the two interact.

Other stuff:
- Beneke implied that Skyler is fortunate to have the luxury of being able to make decisions about morality in a relative vacuum. I'm not a big fan of book-fixing or breaking the law in general, but Skyler's seeming lack of nuance is increasingly annoying. Who else was totally delighted when Walter Jr. called her a bitch?
- Walter Jr. to his dad: "Everybody is on your side"-- although he's newly isolated from the viewers.
- At least Tuco's uncle can "remember [Walt's] name." ::rolls eyes::
- Once again, how awesome was that last scene?
- I was pretty disappointed last time by Jesse's clean-cut-ness last time but he looked so good here. I'm not sure yet how I feel about his change in demeanor. I vituperatively enjoyed seeing his parents get theirs though.
- I'm worried Jesse is running out of money. Rehab probably cost like 35 grand and the house 400, and he started with about 480,000 (plus whatever they had before, which I can't remember but think was probably only a couple thousand). Though I guess he could still send a kid to Harvard for a year or something.
- Speaking of kids, I really liked seeing the cleaner's daughter. I've always enjoyed the way Breaking Bad fleshes out the world its characters live in--maybe we'll see Gomez's family some time or something.
- Not that into the background music so far.

The Station Agent

2010-03-25T23:54:00.003-04:00

I just watched this moderately under-the-radar 2003 gem and was inexpressibly charmed. The dog sleeping on my lap while I was watching it probably added to that effect, but not enough to make me think my assessment was compromised in any way. This film reminded me of My Life As A Dog more than any other movie I've ever seen. So if you liked My Life As A Dog, you should watch The Station Agent immediately--I can't recommend it enough.

OLD BLACK AND WHITE JAPANESE SHIT

2010-03-24T09:47:00.002-04:00

I REALLY DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT AKIRA WHOEVER THE FUCK BECAUSE I DONT WATCH A LOT OF PREHISTORIC BLACK AND WHITE FOREIGN SHIT BUT I DID SEE PART OF YOJIMBO ONCE AND THAT OPENING SCENE WITH THE SAMURAI OWNING MOTHERFUCKERS AND SLICING ARMS OFF WAS TOTALLY AHEAD OF ITS TIME BUT I FELL ASLEEP PRETTY QUICK AFTER THAT. LIKE THESE DUMB FUCKS TALKING ABOUT HEY LETS KILL THIS BADASS SAMURAI THATS IN THE NEXT ROOM LISTENING TO EVERYTHING WERE SAYING I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK MAYBE USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE WHEN YOURE PLOTTING TO KILL THE BADDEST MOTHERFUCKER ALIVE. PLUS I GUESS IT ENDS UP BEING THE SAME SHIT AS LAST MAN STANDING SO I DONT KNOW WHY I WOULDNT JUST WATCH THAT INSTEAD

PRETTY MUCH THE SAME DEAL WITH SEVEN SAMURAI BECAUSE SOME FILM SCHOOL CHICA I KNOW SAT ME DOWN TO WATCH IT AND ABOUT AN HOUR IN I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS JUST LIKE THE THREE AMIGOS

Happy Birthday Akira Kurosawa

2010-03-23T19:11:00.003-04:00

It's that time of year again, everybody. March 23rd, otherwise known at OWNAGE DU CINEMA as Akira Kurosawa Day. And this is the most glorious Akira Kurosawa Day of all, because it would have been the Master's 100th birthday, had he not been tragically struck down in the prime of life at age 88. Now I don't want to suggest that he was murdered by trash auteur McG, but McG killed that motherfucker just as sure as I'm sitting here.

Anyway, in honor of Akira Kurosawa Day, I thought ZMF and I would try and jot down some thoughts about the work of one of the true greats of movie history. I dunno about the zodester but I've seen a handful of Kurosawa movies, and they're all fantastic. These are the ones I've seen, in order of preference:

Yojimbo
Rashomon
Throne of Blood
Ran
The Bad Sleep Well
Ikiru
Seven Samurai
Sanjuro (sequel to Yojimbo)

Don't be fooled by the descending order, ALL of these movies are fantastic. But it is true that Yojimbo is decidedly my favorite. It's one of those movies that gets ripped off all the time and still hasn't been topped. It's pretty much the original "lone motherfucker strides into town, kicks ass" movie, and it's still the best. So many of the smartass action movie one-liner characters can be traced back to Toshiro Mifune in Yojimbo. Check it out if you haven't already.

Anyway, we might be writing about some more Kurosawas if ZMF is up to watch some black-and-white Japanese movies. And I can't really imagine he wouldn't be.

Programming note

2010-03-23T14:01:00.002-04:00

It has come to my attention that OWNAGE DU CINEMA was recently both linked and quoted on the popular (I presume) TV blog Warming Glow. Thanks for the attention, guys! I guess it figures that our first bit of wider exposure would come just as I invited someone else to write on the blog.

Anyway, since our Breaking Bad coverage appears to be of some interest to people other than myself, I'd like to take this opportunity to announce that we will continue to review Breaking Bad episodes until the chick loses interest. You may have noticed that I never actually reviewed the premiere. All I can say to that is that there are a lot of factors at play here. I blame the government.

Oh, and thanks to @alexnichols11 for letting me know about this.

BREAKING FUCKING BAD BITCH

2010-03-22T07:47:00.001-04:00

HOLY SHIT SOMEBODY GET ELLIES SHRINK STAT BECAUSE THIS EPISODE WAS OWNAGE

THE REAL THEME OF THE EPISODE WAS THIS

SUCK IT UP BITCH

DOESNT MATTER WHAT THE FUCK LIFE THROWS AT YOU BECAUSE SOMETHING WORSE IS GOING ON SOMEWHERE ELSE SO SUCK IT THE FUCK UP. HOLY SHIT 160 PEOPLE FELL OUT OF THE SKY? BIG FUCKING DEAL BECAUSE THAT AINT SHIT COMPARED TO TENERIFE SO QUIT CRYING YOUSELF TO SLEEP YOU SPOILED LITTLE FUCKS. OH HEY YOUR SMOKINGASS METALASS GIRLFRIEND CHOKED TO DEATH ON HER OWN VOMIT BECAUSE SHES A STUPIDASS JUNKIE JUST LIKE YOU WELL FUCK YOU BECAUSE THIS STEVEN SPIELBERG LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER BACKED OVER HIS DAUGHTER ON HIS WAY TO GET SOME POPOV SO DONT ACT LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT PAIN IS BITCH. AND WALT BOO FUCKING HOO YOU MISS YOUR HARPY WIFE AND YOUR BRAT KID WHOS FUCKING ASHAMED TO BE NAMED AFTER YOU? WELL GUESS WHAT HEISENBERG YOU GOT TWO HARDCORE MEXICAN HITMEN COMING TO FUCK YOU UP SO GET THE FUCK OVER IT. SO BASICALLY WHAT YOU GOT IS VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS IN THE REALM OF OWNAGE

AND HERES SOME STRAY OBSERVATIONS FOR YOUR ASSES WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS

I GOT SOME KFC LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS AWESOME I WONDER HOW POLLO HERMANOS COMPARES

YEAH ELLIE THIS EPISODE WAS YELLOW AS FUCK

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE IS WHEN MOTHERFUCKERS TRY TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN OR CANT DO SO THAT SCENE WITH HANK TELLING WALT ITS TIME TO MOVE OUT OF HIS OWN FUCKING HOUSE REALLY BAKED MY ASS. LIKE YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU FAT SQUAT BALD FUCK I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF YOU ARE THE TWENTYSEVEN TIME WINNER OF THE REGGIE BANNISTER LOOKALIKE CONTEST YOU DONT EVER WALK INTO MY PLACE TELLING ME WHAT THE FUCK IS WHAT

THEY SHOULD BUILD A WALL ON THE BORDER AND PUT THE FUCKING ARMY ON IT SO PEOPLE DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CARTEL HITMEN JUST WALTZING THE FUCK OVER IT AND OWNING PEOPLE. HEY THATS WHAT WALT COULDVE DONE WITH THAT THREE MILLION DOLLARS BRIBE SOME SENATORS

WHO THE FUCK DOESNT WANT THREE MILLION DOLLARS? CHRIST YOU COULD BUY TEN FAMILIES WITH THAT KIND OF JACK

YEAH THAT WALKING AWAY FROM AN EXPLOSION WITHOUT GIVING A FUCK SHIT IS PLAYED AS HELL BUT IT WAS AWESOME HERE

HEY SOMEBODY REMIND ME HOW THE MEXICAN CARTEL EVEN KNOWS ABOUT WALT

Breaking Bad 3.1: "No Mas"

2010-03-22T00:36:00.001-04:00

[Edit: I realized I've been spelling Skyler's name all along--I was rewatching "Mandala" last night and it shows up as "Skyler" on Walt's phone. Oops.]

My grade for the season three premiere of Breaking Bad: B. I was disappointed. Admittedly, I had exceptionally high expectations--but it's Breaking Bad, and I don't think exceptionally high expectations are unwarranted. But I have to give this disclaimer: I have a tendency to psych myself up about things to a ridiculous level and then get kind of blase immediately before they start (I do this with my birthday every year), which I kind of felt like about this too, so you might have to take my psychological profile into account on this one.

Here's what I didn't like about the episode: Its scenes were too discrete, even thrown together. It lacked the sense of relentless forward motion which so characterized the first two seasons. (I may have underestimated the value of Walt's cancer as a "ticking time bomb" device). Too much exposition, not enough tying-together. Exposition is par for the course for a season premiere, but the season two premiere didn't bother with it and that rocked. Plus, this episode seemed surprisingly unrealistic, from the stilted (and not in a good way) assembly to the rehab scenes.

Breaking Bad does tension and suspense better than any other show; I'm reliably on the edge of my seat. Yet this episode only had two compellingly tense moments--Walt's confession to Skyler and the final scene (I said "Something horrible is about to happen"). Maybe I'm jaded because I just rewatched season two, but I expected to be more shocked and more horrified.

On Walt's confession: One problem I have with Breaking Bad is the (to me) completely unsympathetic portrayal of Skyler. I can't stand her, and I consistently have trouble seeing why Walt wants to stay with her. When El Pollo Hermanos guy makes the offer, I couldn't help but say "Why would you want three million dollars?" then "Why would you want your family?" It's obvious that Walt loves his kids, but it's hard to see why he sees Skyler as anything more than a liability and a hindrance, even though he professes to love her. Hell, her first scene in the entire series (I hope I'm right) she's on her laptop when they're in bed together. Think about what that says. Meth has been the center of Walt's life, and I'm interested to see how he attempts to replace it with family values. This episode's "moral" could be interpreted thus: Walt embarked on a life of crime to keep his family together, only to end up losing his family! I think that O. Henry-ish reading is too simplistic. Rather, Walt has replaced his commitment to his family with his commitment to the meth world. Despite "setbacks," Walt has made inestimably more of an impact in this career than in his day job. That's legitimately rewarding, even if Walt can't admit it to himself. And note: Walt sounded like he was talking to Skyler in hyper-excuse mode when he was trying to convince Jesse that he wasn't a bad guy. It seems that Walt/Jesse is going to be the estranged partnership in this season: Walt kept talking Skyler into maintaining the family, now he'll have to talk Jesse into keeping up the partnership.

Finally, I found the opening spectacularly weird in the best way imaginable. The inevitable questions: Is this a flash-forward? How far forward? And what the hell is it all about? I thought it was contemporaneous, but I like how the two previous seasons have messed with our expectations of time. I also loved Walt's slightly manic yet uncomfortably sensible speech about the plane crash, plus his interaction with Hank in the driveway. But I thought the final final scene (once the dudes got out of the haystack) was lame and pandering. Breaking Bad doesn't need to look like an action movie to be fucking awesome.

Stray observations:
- Is it just me or did the colors seem extremely over-saturated? Granted, I just re-watched season 2 in which most of the episodes open in black and white, so it's a sharp contrast. I particularly noticed that there seemed to be an emphasis on blue and yellow (Skyler's blue dress, everyone's blue remembrance ribbons, the yellow police tape, Jesse's yellow flowers, possibly more stuff)
-Skyler is fatter. What's up with that?
- The voicemail machine now says "Flynn."
- The Mexico scenes were very Cormac McCarthy.
-Walt's hotel room is sort of reminiscent of the trailer, with the Venetian blinds and all.
- I thought the "Better Call Saul" matchbooks were too "on the nose." ::cue groans::

Programming note

2010-03-21T18:28:00.000-04:00

Greetings, True Believers!

I have an exciting announcement from OWNAGE DU CINEMA HQ, nestled in the heart of a giant volcano that looks like a wolf, with windows in each of the wolf's eyes. ZMF and I will be giving our opinions on tonight's season 3 premiere of AMC's Breaking Bad, which counts as "cinema" in that it is better than most movies.

But that's not all! In an effort to provide as much positive opinion on Breaking Bad is possible, I have made the executive decision to, for the first time ever, invite a guest contributor to OWNAGE DU CINEMA. This special guest is rumored-female Onion AV Club commenter and courageous anti-feminist crusader Ellie. I trust you will all treat her with the respectful indifference that ZMF and I have grown accustomed to.

Don't forget to watch Breaking Bad tonight at 10PM ET on AMC!

SINCE KARATLOZ WAS TALKING SHIT ON TWITTER HERES MY THOUGHTS ABOUT APOCALYPSE NOW AS ITS OWN POST

2010-03-01T22:04:00.000-05:00

BASICALLY I THINK THAT APOCALYPSE NOW IS A MANIFESTO OF OWNAGE AND BRANDO SAYS IT ALL RIGHT THERE AT THE END IF I HAD TEN DIVISIONS OF THESE MEN OUR TROUBLES HERE WOULD BE OVER VERY QUICKLY AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING JOE THAT SHIT APPLIES ACROSS THE BOARD AND YOU KNOW IVE SAID IT. THE WORLD IS ALL ABOUT OWNAGE AND OWNAGE DOESNT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS OR WHATS RIGHT OR WRONG IT IS ALL ABOUT DOMINANCE AND IT IS ALL ABOUT THE WILL. AND SO IT IS WITH EVERY LIMPDICK WEAKBITCH WAR WE HAVE EVER FOUGHT SINCE WORLD WAR II BECAUSE HERES THE THING AMERICA IS GOING TO GET PAINTED LIKE SOME TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE THATS THE PRICE OF SUCCESS. PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF AMERICA PEOPLE INSIDE AMERICA EVERYBODY BASICALLY EVERYBODY IS GOING TO COME OUT AND SAY AMERICA SUCKS AMERICA IS BULLSHIT AND AMERICA IS EVIL AND TRYING TO EXPLOIT THE REST OF THE WORLD SO YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY? I SAY FUCK YEAH. AMERICA NEEDS TO LIVE UP TO THAT REPUTATION BECAUSE BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THE SECOND THAT AMERICA TAKES UP THAT MANTLE AND TELLS ALL THE AMERICA HATERS DOMESTIC AND ABROAD THAT YOU KNOW WHAT MOTHERFUCKER YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT BITCH I AM YOUR WORST MOTHERFUCKING NIGHTMARE. THAT IS WHEN SHIT STARTS GETTING DONE THAT IS WHEN YOU START SHOWING ALL THESE WIMBLE WIMBLE MOTHERFUCKERS WHAT THE FUCK IS WHAT AND THAT IS WHAT APOCALYPSE NOW IS ALL ABOUT. YOU WANNA WAR FINE YOU WANNA OWN FINE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU BETTER BE READY TO PAY THE MOTHERFUCKING PRICE. THE PRICE OF WARRING IS TO WAR AND THE PRICE OF OWNING IS TO OWN SO EMBRACE THAT SHIT. I DONT WANNA HEAR ABOUT HUMAN SHIELDS I DONT WANNA HEAR ABOUT COLLATERAL DAMAGE I WANNA HEAR ABOUT VILLAGE AFTER VILLAGE TOWN AFTER TOWN EITHER BURNING OR KNEELING BEFORE THE MIGHT OF MOTHERFUCKING AMERICA AND UNTIL PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO CONFORM TO THE NEW PARADIGM OF OWNAGE THEN WE WILL CONTINUE TO SEE DEAD AMERICANS DEAD IRAQIS DEAD FUCKS ALL OVER THE WORLD BECAUSE THAT IS HOW IT WORKS. WEAKNESS EQUALS DEAD FUCKS SO WE NEED TO RISE ABOVE THAT AND OWN AND THAT IS THE AWESOME AWESOME AWESOMEASS MOTHERFUCKING MESSAGE OF APOCALYPSE NOW. OWNAGE ABOVE ALL OTHER SHIT OWNAGE OWNAGE MOTHERFUCKING OWNAGE EMBRACE THE HORROR AND MAKE THE HORROR THEIRS

OWN

WHAT THE FUCK

2010-03-01T20:53:00.001-05:00

WELL APPARENTLY JOE FUCKED UP HIS BIG OSCAR MARATHON BUT IM GONNA DO A ONE SENTENCE BREAKDOWN OF THE ONES THAT I SAW AND HERE IT IS

DISTRICT NINE IS THE BEST FUCKING MOVIE OF THE YEAR SECOND ONLY TO CRANK HIGH VOLTAGE AND IF THERE WAS ANY JUSTICE IN THIS BULLSHIT WORLD THIS WOULD WIN EVERY FUCKING AWARD FROM THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE TO THE MOTHERFUCKING GOLD MEDAL IN THE BIATHALON

AVATAR IS SOME WEAK WACK SHIT AND THE WHOLE TIME I WAS ROOTING FOR STEPHEN LANG GIOVANNI RIBISI AND TOMMY FROM THE SHIELD BECAUSE THEY CARED ABOUT THE PLANET AS IN THE REAL PLANET WHICH IS EARTH

UP IN THE AIR HIT PRETTY FUCKING CLOSE TO HOME SO YOU DONT FUCKING GET TO HEAR WHAT I THINK ABOUT IT

HURT LOCKER OWNS BEYOND ANY FUCKING ARGUMENT AND RENNER AS STAFF SERGEANT WILLIAM JAMES IS PROBABLY THE GREATEST MOVIE CHARACTER OF 2009 AFTER WIKUS VAN DER MERWE AND DOC MILES IN CRANK BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK THE LOCKER CAME OUT BEFORE THE FUCKING IRAQ WAR EVEN STARTED SO IM KINDA SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS WAS GOOD BUT NOT AS GOOD AS EVERYBODY ACTS LIKE IT IS AND I TOOK IT AS A PERSONAL FUCKING INSULT THAT ALL THE OWNAGE OF ALDOS JEW SQUAD WAS JUST A SETUP FOR A PUNCHLINE BECAUSE OWNAGE IS NEVER A MEANS TO AN END OWNAGE IS THE END AND THATS THE FUCKING END OF IT ALSO BRAD PITT DIDNT LOOK VERY JEWISH HERE BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW

Apocalypse Now

2010-03-01T20:38:00.000-05:00

Shit. Still only in Saigon. As I wipe the sweat from my brow and look at my TV, I remember it all. The shit. The blood. The bullets. Viet fucking Nam, my friends. I hear the helicopters, and the bombs, and the screams. Sometimes, when I'm dreaming, I think I'm back there. I think that I'm back in Nam watching my friends get cut apart by the gooks, and that the only thing keeping my balls intact is the good fucking Lord. I can feel the sweat running down my forehead and stinging my eyes. I can remember the sun - the fucking sun must be closer to Vietnam than any other place on Earth. I can feel my weapon in my hand, and I can feel that kick from when I pull the trigger. That kick that only means one thing: Death.

Now, you may be thinking, "Joe, I didn't know you were ever in the military. Aren't you a douche with a blog?" Well, yes, I am a douche with a blog. But I have seen Apocalypse Now several times, and as Francis Ford Coppola said, that movie "IS Vietnam." And I think it must be pretty goddamn close. It's not a documentary-style Vietnam movie, like Platoon. In fact it's closer to surreal mindfucks like Aguirre The Wrath of God than any other war movie. And yet it manages to capture the feeling of Vietnam (and war in general) must be like. To watch Apocalypse Now is to be hypnotized by swirling colors and surreal events. It may not be "realistic," but as anyone who's spent much time watching movies knows, realism can be overrated.

Apocalypse Now also has one of the best casts of all time, with Martin Sheen, Robert Duvall, Laurence Fishburne, Marlon Brando, and Harrison Ford giving performances of various lengths (most of the actors listed above are only in a scene or two, yet you can't forget them).

So yeah, I like Apocalypse Now. I made up all that stuff about remembering being there though. I don't even have a passport. Hooray for Hollywood! What do you think, ZMF?

My day at the movies

2010-02-27T15:47:00.000-05:00

Many a cinephile has made the claim that "a bad day at the movies is better than a good day anywhere else." Normally I'd be inclined to agree with this sentiment, but today I had an experience that will cast doubt on this idea probably for the rest of my life. What follows is my possibly libelous account of what happened.

I first heard of AMC Theaters' Best Picture series a couple weeks ago. Since I'm something of a movie buff, I was willing to gladly plunk down 50 bucks for a 2-day pass to see all 10 movies nominated for Best Picture. But, the closest theater taking part in this event is an hour away in Tampa. But anything worth having is worth fighting for, yeah? So I decided to make the hour drive (twice) to take part in my first movie marathon.

As I arrived at the AMC theater in Tampa, I was happy to see posters that said "2-Day Passes On Sale Now." Hooray! There's nothing quite like a plan coming together! I go to the box office and ask for a 2-day Best Picture pass. "The show's already started, but you have to go to customer service" the box office attendant replies. So I walk inside to the customer service desk. "One 2-day Best Picture pass, please!" The customer service rep: "Unfortunately, since the show has already begun, you can only buy a one-day pass for next week. Would you like to do that?" Huh. This doesn't make much sense - why wouldn't AMC want me to pay 50 dollars for a 2-day pass just because I missed the first show? So, with logic on my side, I decide to talk to the manager.

"Sure," the young woman at the desk says. "His office is right down the hall. I'll telephone him and let him know you're coming." I see her pick up the phone before I turn to head towards the office. As I approach the door, I notice it slam shut and lock. I knock on the door and I hear a frantic "one second!" I'm not a big partier or anything but I was pretty sure I smelled weed. Anyway, after a couple minutes the door opens and he lets me in. Immediately I feel a strong sense of discomfort. There are big posters with swastikas, rebel flags, and other racist imagery on the walls. I see a bumper sticker on the wall that says "If Jesus Was Black, Then How Come I Love Him So Much?" My eyes are then drawn to a pair of handcuffs on the desk which the manager, a chubby, mustached gentleman apparently in his mid-40s, hastily secured away in a drawer. "Have a seat," he says, and I sit down and explain my situation. He pauses, his brow furrowed in deep thought, before saying "excuse me for a moment, will you?" He gets up, and leaves the office for 5 to 10 minutes. During this time I continue to feel optimistic about getting to watch my movies - the signs outside seem to be on my side, if nothing else. So when the manager returned I was expecting to hear good news. I didn't.

"Well, I had a talk with my boss, and it appears that you're shit out of luck, pal," the manager says to me. "However, there might be something we can...work out, if you know what I mean." I didn't know what he meant. "Uh, well, that's good news, I guess. What did you have in mind?" The manager licks his lips and smiles almost imperceptibly - "well, we have an in-house policy for situations just like this. The first thing we have to do is reward your patience with a free small Coke. Does that sound good?" Now, I'm more of a Pepsi man, but I WAS thirsty, and who am I to turn down a free drink? "Sure," I say, completely ignorant of the danger that lay ahead. The manager hands me a paper cup and I take the first sip. "Go ahead, don't be shy," he says - "drink it down. Then we can discuss what happens next." I oblige him and drink virtually every drop of the sweet sugary soda. It tastes a little weird, but you get what you pay for, right? At this point, I begin to feel light-headed and sleepy. Then, everything went black.

I woke up in a dark, damp room handcuffed to a metal pipe. My outer clothes had been removed, along with my watch, so I had no idea what time it was. I was groggy and vaguely sore. Then, I see a crack of light from a door opening on the other side of the room. Our old friend the manager entered. "Now, now," he says, "looks like you picked the wrong AMC Theaters manager to fuck with, didn't you?" "Please," I beg, "please don't hurt me. I have a family, friends, who know where I am. They'll ask about me. They'll call the police!" The manager replies to my pleading for mercy with a sinister chuckle - "I wouldn't count on it, if I were you." He then descended upon me, and engaged in a sexual assault the likes of which are too traumatic for me to relay on these pages. Suffice it to say that none of my orifices were left unraped by this evil, evil AMC Theaters manager. After a seeming eternity, the assault was finally over. He unlocked the handcuffs and threw my clothes on the floor next to me. "Clean yourself up, you slut," the manager growls - "If I ever see you around here again you'll get more of the same." Sobbing, I quickly dressed myself and left through a rear exit. The sunshine outside was the most beautiful I've ever experienced after my terrible ordeal. Too frightened to compose my thoughts further, I simply got into my car and drove home as quickly as possible.

So, I didn't get to see any of the movies. I'll try to write about the ones I've already seen in the next couple days, and catch up with as many of the rest as I can. In summation, AMC Theaters are all managed by neo-Nazi rapists. Don't give them any of your money, ever.

Programming note

2010-02-26T18:44:00.000-05:00

Hello motherfuckers! I have an exciting announcement to make re: future OWNAGE DU CINEMA content. Tomorrow afternoon I will be embarking on something that I've never done before - a 5-movie marathon of 5 Best Picture nominees. The following Saturday I'm gonna be watching the remaining 5 nominees Since this is a movie blog I will then write my feelings on the 10 movies I see, and post them on this website. And hopefully ZMF will have some things to say about the movies as well. Stay frosty, bitches!

Has anyone seen ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER?

2010-02-15T20:26:00.000-05:00

I haven't heard from him in a couple weeks at least. I keep flashing the signal into the sky, because I like them knowing he's out there, but he hasn't shown up. According to his Twitter feed he had to buy someone a birthday present 5 days ago. What could have happened? Was "someone" a dangerous individual? Is ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER alright? Zodiac, without you NO ONE would read this blog. WHITHER ZODIAC SON.