Murraytalk

Seek

2017-07-05T15:53:00.000-07:00

Happiness

2017-06-13T20:44:00.002-07:00

Have An Open Heart

2017-06-07T09:38:00.000-07:00

As I was sorting through pictures this morning I came across pictures of my seven-year-old granddaughter with girls that she met for the first time on a 2 day stay in Prescott. I was drawn to the smiles on their faces and the love in their eyes. They met, accepted each other, and acted as if they had been lifelong friends. Oh, how I had forgotten about the innocence of a child. The color of skin, the size of a body, the structure of a face does not matter. They are ready to accept and love unconditionally until we and society teach them differently.

There was nothing but smiles and laughter as they danced, made beaded jewelry, and ate. They made sure that they all were a part of whatever they were participating in. They cared about each other's feelings and made sure that everyone was having fun and was happy. Why is it that we grow to become so obsessed with appearance and behavior of others that we miss seeing the light or the struggles in others? We're so quick to judge based on looks, and from there we begin our list of assumptions of who they are. We create our own mental story of what type of person they are, and if they're a fit for us. If they don't fit our mold we typically continue our walk with no desire to learn more. We miss out on really knowing the beautiful creation that God has placed in our presence because we're so busy picking apart their shell. Why is it that we're so quick to create the story that we believe their life to be, instead of hearing the story of who they really are. We all have a story! What is it that makes us put up a barrier when it comes to hearing another person's truth?

I wonder how often in the past I may have missed the good in people because I pre-judged, based on the differences?
Anne Perry

We need to really look deep, not just on the surface of the people that we encounter through our journey. I love eyes and have been somewhat obsessed with them since I was a child. I have always looked at the eyes of a person instead of the smile. My mother smiled, but I could always see the sadness in her eyes. I myself had mastered the smile regardless of what hell or pain I was going through. Most people were shocked when I finally shared my story, and I can only remember one person in my lifetime that didn't know my story that saw my pain. She drove right past the smile and stopped at my soul. As I stated the typical I'm fine like most hurting people do, she saw more. We all need to practice seeing more by going back to our pre-kid thought process and with an open heart that we all had not so long ago.

Peace, Love, & Hugs!

We All Make A Wrong Decision

2017-06-06T15:58:00.001-07:00

After spending the past weekend with friends and family I started thinking about how we all at least once in our lifetime made a decision that tests our character.

I am a person that reacts. As much as I count to ten, pray first, or go to my zen place, it doesn't always work for me. Sometimes I just need to be heard, and if you're screaming and not really hearing my words I'm going to get as loud as necessary for you to hear me. It's not the best solution, trust me! But, it's my character - who I am. I could blame it on my childhood, but that would mean that I'm not taking ownership for my behavior. I don't believe it's fair as an adult to use them as an excuse for my actions in life. But, I do believe with any bond there will be some disagreement and some conflict - that's just life! We need to speak; our truths, discuss our hurts, share our joy and sadness, otherwise, it festers and it's like walking on land mines each time you're around that person. I'm personally not good at waiting for the explosion to take place. I prefer to lay it all on the table so we have an understanding of the situation and can make a sound decision on which direction to go from there.
The people that are in my life and those that know me well, understand the way that I operate and accept me flawed and all. Isn't that what we want most out of life, acceptance? I don't want to feel as if I'm wrong if I react differently than you. I don't want to be a clone of the people that I love. I just want to be accepted for who I am with no judgments.
Find the people that give you the freedom to be you, and hang on tight to them. They're the ones that inspire you to be authentic and whole regardless.

There are so many quotes about walking away from people, which I agree is necessary at times, but we must learn that when we encounter difficulties with friends and loved ones it doesn't automatically mean that you need to change the path that you're on. We shouldn't look at every trial as a reason to redirect and quit the path that we're walking, but as what God is trying to teach us? Sometimes it's not about the other person and all about the truth of who we are. Other times it is about removing people that hurt you more than love you, but whatever the lesson may be, just don't be too quick to throw away the people that are good to you, understand you, and add meaning to your life.

This week I came across this, "If you want to appreciate your family, talk to someone that doesn't have family."

With all the ups and downs that come with family and friends; I would rather live with them in my life than not at all.

What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life – to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories. – George Eliot

Peace, love, & hugs,

Understand

2017-06-03T10:07:00.003-07:00

Victims

2017-06-01T08:33:00.001-07:00

Remember

2017-05-31T15:21:00.001-07:00

Hear What People Are Saying

2017-05-30T08:14:00.002-07:00

I came across this as I was scrolling through Instagram this morning. It was the missing piece of the puzzle in regards to what I was feeling this past weekend.

I am so tired of the expectations of others being placed on me. I am not you and I will continue to be who I am regardless if it fits into the cookie cutter world that you have created for yourself. I don't expect people to be in my life if it doesn't work for them, but what I do expect is, if you are a part of it accept me as I am flaws and all. I'm tired of the "you know how she is" whispers. The " she needs to fix that" conversations, and the trying to control what I say and do. The solution to those concerns are simple...Don't be involved in my life.

The one thing that has always been missing in my family is no one really hears the words that are being said, so there's no real understanding of what is hurtful or what takes me back to a place that I don't want to revisit. I can sit and say all of the things that I don't want because I know what it will do to me, but receive it anyway because that's what they want. My voice isn't heard and my feelings aren't important. Each and every day I choose to be happy because it's easy for me to slip back to a dark place. I know what things do that to me, so if I say no or stop there's a solid reason behind it, and the request should be respected. There are legitimate reasons for my crazy. We can work on ourselves and heal from past events, but that doesn't mean that we don't have scars from our past that have messed us up in ways that every now and then it feels like a switch turned off and once again you're surrounded by darkness.

I participate in a lot of activities and gatherings that at times I have to give myself the old you can do it talk, but I choose to do it so I survive it without any setbacks. But, when it's directed at me, pushed on me, and it isn't feeding my soul; listen when I'm telling you it's too much, because I'm at the beginning stage of feeling like I'm slowly being suffocated, and when you can't breathe you fight to get your breath back. It has nothing to do with lack of appreciation, but everything to do with my well being.

We must be mindful and respectful of other people's feelings because you never know what may trigger a memory that turns off their light and leaves them in darkness.

“But feelings can't be ignored, no matter how unjust or ungrateful they seem.”
― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

Peace, love, and hugs!

Our Thoughts

2017-05-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks I've been sorting through my many tubs of pictures. As I was going through them I came across a checkbook style booklet that belonged to my mother. I had no memory of looking through it before. As I sat and thumbed through it I came across a yellow and fragile bible verse that she had carefully tore out so every word was readable. The verse was about the evil in the world.
Seeing this triggered an explosion of emotions in me. I couldn't help but think that she must have thought her life was intended to be ruled by evil; that this was just the way of the world. It gave me a better understanding of why she turned a blind eye to things that she should have confronted, but saddened me to think that she didn't feel or believe that she was worthy of a better life.

I don't believe anyone ever told her that she could clean up her mistakes; that she deserved more, and could have more. Instead she just lived life with the way it was; never fighting for change. Did she ever hope or dream of a better life? In my heart I don't believe so. She never faced the monsters that reminded her of the past and placed fear in her - she just accepted the heartaches.

I will never forget when my mother first became ill she was so fearful of death. She asked if she was going to Hell because she had done bad things in her past. I can't imagine in my 80's still carrying fear of my past mistakes, but her heart and soul had been broken, and she carried the guilt. You can't allow the thoughts from the past to control your future.

We need to take charge of our thoughts and throw away what doesn't feed our soul. The thoughts in our mind need our permission to be true. She allowed all the lies to become her truth, not knowing that she deserved more, or that her blessings were far greater than the burdens that she carried.
You must get your mind right!

" Get your mind off your problems and focus on

your blessings. Then look in the direction of

your dreams!"

-Kristen Butler

Peace, love & hugs!

Let Go and Let The Director Direct

2017-05-09T19:25:00.002-07:00

A little late on writing my thoughts for the day.

My 3 year old grandson spent the day with me and I had forgotten all that was involved with hanging out with him. I figured better late than never, so here's a quick message that I want to share.

I read several different devotionals each day, but one that I'm really enjoying was sent to me by the author. His name is Charles L, and the book is Just A Thought. It's a book for those in sobriety, but I think everyone can apply his thoughts to their life.

Yesterdays thought was a great reminder for me. It was about surrender and how surrender is the key to the gates to Heaven. I was reminded that I need to allow myself to be directed by God instead of trying to control everything in my life. I work hard on not trying to control, but growing up in a highly dysfunctional home, you tend to control. Also, having a son living with me that is working on his sobriety sometimes sends me to a place of control. I remind myself most days at least ten times a day that I can't control what isn't mine to control. Admittedly, it doesn't come easy for me.

I want to share part of Charles thought from yesterday. "To finally believe and understand that we do does not make the wheel go round...we are just players in a play. The director is God. If we will listen to His direction, the play comes off without a hitch. If we choose our own lines, come in stage left instead of stage right, etc., the play is a jumbled mess. To surrender, we need to let the director direct, and we as actors, act."

I carried that thought with me all day yesterday and reminded myself of it again today. We need to let go and let the director direct. He supplies everything we need to carry out His plan for our life. I can't fix or change anything by trying to control.

Surrender!

Peace, love, & hugs!

Thank you Charles L for your words of wisdom.

Is Your Root Bitter

2017-05-02T13:26:00.001-07:00

The more that I write about my journey the more I have to protect my thinking and not let the thoughts of my past begin to consume me.

Last week I allowed my thoughts to go in a negative direction, thinking of my sister/niece stealing my mother's home and money. She was raised as my sister and my mother cared for her and loved her as her daughter, but once my father died it became apparent that our love and family were not important to her if there wasn't a chunk of money waiting for her at the end of the rainbow.

I had to cut off all communication with her this year because her actions are unacceptable to me, and thinking about her choices caused too much restlessness in my soul; and you all know that I cherish my peace.

What I'm getting at is that sometimes we have to walk away from those that we spent our entire life loving unconditionally. She was the one that I always protected. I removed her from the chaos as much as I possibly could when she was a child. We became even closer as adults speaking to each other daily and celebrating life's moments together; but I can't accept her choices. It just doesn't feel good in my heart, so I had to walk away.

I know that we are called to be kind and respectful toward other people, even when they aren't easy to love. I always make an effort to sow seeds of love, joy, and peace with every human that I come in contact with, but sometimes you just have to remove yourself and love from a distance so you don't create a root of bitterness. I won't allow what has happened to consume my mind and disrupt my daily walk because then the root will be doing it's job - stealing my peace and nourishing a weed of hatred.

We must always be aware of what we're allowing to grow in our soul. Are you growing healthy fruit or tangled weeds is the question that I ask myself daily. My past roots were deep and it took me years to bring them out of my hiding place to grow healthy fruit. Don't allow the actions of others to consume your thoughts and create roots of hatred or discontentment - you are in charge!

Peace, love & hugs!

Struggles In Life

2017-04-25T10:24:00.001-07:00

Last week I talked about how so many of us are living chaotic lives and feeling like we have no purpose. I stressed how impactful our stories are and how just a word of hope can change someone's life.

It was five days after I wrote that I was led to share my story with a hurting soul that's spirit had been crushed. As I sat listening to the words that could barely be spoken as tears ran down their cheeks, I could not only see, but could feel the hopelessness and hurt. I guided, gave hope, and then I said, "I hear that you don't believe in God - why?", I asked. With no real answer given, I got it. I knew exactly where she was coming from - a place of years of hurt and disappointment. A place where you've cried too many tears and screamed out to God for help more times than you can count, and your life remains the same. I was there many years ago. I was living a life of one day not believing because I saw no changes, and another day of believing because I had a day of peace, but most of time I just felt that God was mad at me. I was raised with misconceptions of God's wrath. I didn't have the proper teachings, therefore I didn't have the understanding. It's easier to believe that there's no hope than to stand strong in faith. I had to get my head right and stay strong because life was always going to challenge me. Our troubles are not a sign that God is angry at us - He is merciful. But, sometimes when your pain is so deep, you just stop. You stop praying and you stop believing.

The truth is we're are all going to have trials and tribulations - it's just life. You just have to endure it, survive it, and keep your mind positive so you don't lose hope, joy, or your peace through it.

Of all the struggles that I face in life today, knowing that God is faithful and keeping my mind positive has helped me get through each stumbling block a little easier. I know that it's difficult to understand why God at times allows us to fail or hurt, but He always has a plan for our life. All my years of trying to make some sense of why I had the upbringing that I had; I now know that it was for my testimony. I am an example of His grace and His goodness. So, please don't ever give up or stop believing. Your testimony will give hope, and possibly save someone someday. Stay strong!

Peace, love, & hugs!

Our Voices

2017-04-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

Last week I had told myself to stop writing this blog. "What's the point I asked myself ?"
I shared that thought with my good friend Deborah, and what she expressed was the reason I had started sharing my journey in the first place. It's giving hope to someone that is struggling. We never know who we will impact.

There are so many people that live chaotic lives feeling like they have no purpose - I was one of them. I thought of what an impact one person sharing their story would have had on me during my darkest days when I felt nothing but hopelessness. Their survival story, or simple words such as, "You're going to make it." would have given meant everything to me.
We all have the capability to be effective in significant ways for others. We can turn our "ripples" into a powerful wave that will change the life of an individual, but not while sitting in silence. Our voices can be great tools in helping heal others. People need to hear your story and feel your kindness.

I talked about Helen Rose and what a positive influence she was in my life. She created a hunger in my soul to know God better. I want to create a hunger in people's souls. In writing bits of my journey I hope that this is what I'm doing for at least one person.

God wants each of us to have an impact and for us to use our abilities and opportunities He has given us to brighten the life of someone else. Just remember, whatever you do do, and however you do it - do it with love.

Peace, love & hugs!

I Found My Faith

2017-04-11T12:44:00.000-07:00

I touched on how music and my poems got me through my dark moments, but what was also a huge part of my growth was my connections with people that God had placed in my path. He always had me connected with faith believing people before I had a true belief in Him.

I didn't become a believer in God until 1989. I hadn't been walking in faith, I was just making my life decisions in the flesh with hopes that they would work out as I planned. In most cases they did, but I knew and felt that I was still missing something.
I spent a lot of years just going through the motions of life never really being thankful for each day. I just expected tomorrow to be waiting for me. But all of that changed when I started having a reoccurring dream to move to Phoenix, AZ. I shared my dream with my husband and he applied for a job in Phoenix; went on the interview, and that was that. He didn't get the job and we didn't put much thought into it...we just continued going through the motions of our everyday life, but the dream didn't stop, and I knew we had to move; so my husband found a job and we relocated.

It was in Phoenix, AZ the year of 1989 that I met a woman named Helen Rose that redirected my life. She owned a boutique in Scottsdale, AZ that I stumbled upon looking for a shop to sell southwestern t-shirts to. I walked in confidently ready to make a sale, but as she listened patiently I knew she wasn't buying, so I started folding up the t-shirts to move on to the next store. She looked at me smiling and said, "I don't want to buy anything, but I do want to invite you to lunch." It was at lunch that day with Helen Rose and her church ladies that I found what had been missing in my life...faith in God. Everything just seemed to fit after that day, and Helen became a positive force in my life.

As I sat in the church that Helen Rose invited me to each Sunday, I felt as if every sermon was written for me. As the pastor spoke about forgiveness I knew and felt in my heart that I hadn't forgiven anyone. I had stopped reliving events of my past, along with moving forward with my life, but I hadn't forgiven the man that I was so disappointed in, or myself. When you grow up in a highly dysfunctional environment guilt tends to attach itself to you, and you tend to live your life in a emotional prison. I needed to forgive everyone and everything that I was carrying anger towards so I could be released from that prision and experience my freedom.

It was sitting in church that I learned about forgiveness and how it didn't mean acceptance. Furthermore, I finally understood that forgiveness was for me. This was so I could grow and heal. I was still giving power to past anger. Although I had the right to feel angry, I had been carrying it way too long; it was time to dispose of it, and that is what I did. Instead of continuing to carry the burden of anger and hate, I prayed.

I finally believed in the God I had so much doubt in over the years, and I had finally found my faith.

"Faith draws the poison from every grief, takes the sting from every loss,

and quenches the fire of every pain;

and only faith can do it." - J.G. Holland

Peace, love, & hugs!

My Poetry Spoke My Truth

2017-04-04T11:47:00.001-07:00

Last week I started cleaning out one of my many file cabinets and came across a folder of poetry that I had written over twenty years ago. I had forgotten how much of my healing had come from my poems. They're a combination of Eminem and Mother Teresa depending on the day and the mood, but all of them speak my truth, and truth is what I had been searching for since I was a young child. I heard the saying, "The truth will set you free" enough times to know that I wanted that internal freedom.

Although, I never received the truth that I was so eager to receive as a child from my parents and aunt, (each of them took it to their grave) I had to accept that I would probably never know the truth of their lives. I would never know what past hurt they endured and carried that molded them into the people that they became; and maybe that's best. As Jack Nicholson said in A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!" Probably not, so I'm good with the not knowing. Besides, this was now about me finding my happy and my peace.

In working and walking my happy, healing and forgiveness journey, I still had those days that I felt lost, wanted to explode or run; so for me rhyming on paper allowed me to ground myself to stay on track. It's easy to slip back and stay stuck reliving past events and allowing fear to overcome the possibility of change. My writing redirected my thinking to continue moving forward. I found that really is the key to it all...find what pulls you back to continue.

Cont;nue Your Story Isn't Over

The word continue will forever be imbedded in my brain since it was always my go to word during those struggling years. I think it's at those times when you feel that you have nothing going for you, is when you learn who you really are and what you're made of. What I learned was that I was stronger than I thought, and I wasn't a quitter. It was in me to continue my journey to become a better and healthier me, regardless of how many times I stumbled, because stumbling is inevitable.

My life was now about learning a new way to live, leaving the past behind, and moving forward to make a better life. I wasn't going to quit working towards my healing or give up my happiness just because I hit some bumps in the road that would sometimes trigger my thoughts to focus on the bad times. I no longer wanted to give power to the past; so when the triggers hit and my mind would begin to go sideways, I wrote and got lost in my music. I had found a new way to win the war. I knew if my mind was messed up I would lose the one thing I wasn't willing to let go - my peace. I needed my peace.

Your thinking will frame the rest of your life, so you must find a way to control your thoughts.You have to learn to do whatever enables you to sleep at night and allows you to continue each day.

Peace, Love & Hugs!

Get Your Happy

2017-03-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

"It is only possible to live happily-ever-after

on a day-to-day basis"

-Margaret Bonnano

I mentioned in my blog last week that there was only one time in my life that I couldn't fake a smile or climb out of the dark hole that I had fallen into. It was one time because from that experience I realized that happiness was something that I had to cultivate on a daily basis. It wasn't possible for me to live years of dysfunction and live happily ever after by walking out the door of my childhood home. I didn't want to keep reflecting on any misfortunes that had occurred in my past. I had come far enough and had acknowledged that stuff happens to everyone. I knew that my experience was nothing in comparison to what others endure. I'm not giving my parents a get out of jail card for situations that should have never happened. I just needed to move past it so I could close all of my open wounds and become a happy being.

"The word 'happiness' would lose its meaning if it were

not balanced by sadness."

-Carl Jumg

I still had days that I felt like a boulder had landed on me, but I had to remind myself that this is the reality of life for everyone, and I was still healing. It's only natural that I would crash into some rocks on the ride. In fact, I'm always going to have a day that I hit some rocks regardless of how healed or happy I am. I just have to stay focused on what I want for me on that particular day. I know what I don't want is to ever again feel like I want to die; so I stay focused on all the good in my life, even in those struggling years. And, I'm thankful.

I had spent too many years focusing on what ifs, on escaping, and hating that I had lost sight of all of the greatness that had also been a huge part of my life. I grew up with shelter, food, great health, amazing friends in school, awesome co-workers, and incredible opportunities that seemed to always come my way. I now had a marriage and healthy children. I stopped giving power to my past hurts by not reflecting on them every time my life shook a little. I had to let the past go in order to find my happy.

It's easy to say that we want happiness, but a whole other thing to be happy. We have to recognize that it's up to us to create our happiness - lose the thought that someone else will fill that need. If you want it you have to choose it. Make your thoughts become a garden that you cultivate with beauty, goodness, and graciousness. I had to quit looking at the weeds that were in my soul to see how beautiful my garden really was.

I know by now several of you are tired of me talking about happiness. Before I really became a happy person I couldn't stand happy people either. I would dissect every single one of them that crossed my path. You know them...the checker that is way too nice and cheerful as she's ringing up your groceries. The crossing guard that smiles and waves as you pass by. The aerobics instructor that is way too bouncy and bubbly. Oh, and lets not forget the huggers - I hated them! (still not a hugger lover) But, when I became happy, I got it. They had found their happy, and happiness is its own reward.

Peace, Love, & Hugs!

Fighting My Thoughts

2017-03-21T11:07:00.000-07:00

Happy, positive and determined had become my new way of living life; at least that's what I thought. But, we all know that life isn't that easy.

I was positive in my thinking, but I always seemed to leave the window open just enough for a negative thought from my past to slip in and challenge my thinking. The majority of the time I was able to dismiss them, but I had one week in the late 80's that put up a good fight. It was difficult for me to climb out of bed each morning and function, and harder for me to smile. My smile had always seemed to get me through the worst of days, but this time I struggled.

A good friend of mine, June, stopped by one day as I was lying on the carpet lifeless watching the kids play. She kept asking me if I was okay, and I tried hard to sound convincing that I was, but I wasn't even buying it. For the first time in my life the fight had left me and I didn't know how to get it back. This was my suffering, and it was just there. I had to endure it and survive it, so I kept telling myself that this would pass.
But, the following morning as I drug myself out of bed to get ready for work, the feeling of my life crumbling was still there. I was tired and had no strength to continue fighting the demons in my head.
As I was slowly walking to work I continued meditating on everything negative that I had experienced; hearing the hateful words that I had heard over and over again growing up.
With each step I took the worst it became, and I started questioning why I was alive. I wasn't at the right mindset to think of all the reasons that I should be alive - I just wanted to die.
As I walked along Ina Rd. I kept telling myself to walk into traffic - no one cares, and no one will miss you I kept telling myself. I remember tears running like a flowing river down my face as I told myself to do it. I don't know if I stepped off the sidewalk or not, but I do know that a sound of a horn louder than anything I had heard before snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked around and down - I was standing on the sidewalk. I wondered if I had walked into the street, and who honked the horn that saved me? I never got an answer to either one of those questions, but my thoughts changed after that moment, and I couldn't shake the notion that God had played a part in the horn honking.

I wasn't a believer back then, but God had begun to consume my thoughts after that day.
I'm not going to preach, but at that point in my life I had come to the realization that I needed a higher power to help me win my battle, and for me that became God.

Peace, Love & Hugs!

My Happy

2017-03-14T10:29:00.002-07:00

I know that I flew through 18 years of my life in just a few blogs, but you got the picture of what my home life was like. I lived through it and survived it, so I'm not very good today at making it sound as nightmarish as I did when I first started sharing my journey. I'll never deny that it wasn't good for any of us mentally, but I've healed, grown, and moved on. There's no going backwards for me, so hanging on to anger from it isn't my focus. That part of my life challenged me, pushed me, educated me, and made me who I am today - I'm thankful for it!

My Epiphany

It was in my twenties when I received my epiphany that I needed to work on my attitude about life. I had always told myself that the one thing that I would never be in life was my parents. But, one day as I was yelling about something senseless I knew that I was becoming what I didn't want to be. At that moment I took ownership of what a shitty person I was. I was cynical, judgmental, and was kidding myself that I was happy. I knew that being overly bubbly, overly pleasing, having material items, the best job, and going with the flow was not my definition of happiness. I came to the conclusion that accepting and loving myself unconditionally would be a start for me. It wasn't about material things for me because I knew too many people that thought if they got married, had a family, found the high paying job, bought the dream house and the expensive car, they would be happy. Those things didn't bring any of them happiness. I wanted to find the happy in my day to day life that wasn't material. So, I started looking at life differently and made myself appreciate something out of each day. I remember while I was in labor with my second child I started thinking during my labor pains that every woman no matter what race, social or economic status, feels this pain. That thought put me in the moment of being thankful that I was bringing a healthy life into the world in a sanitary and safe environment. That might not be the best example of how I directed my thinking, but I had trained my mind to generate positive feelings in every situation. I had no book or counseling directing me how to create change, but I know now that my guidance was God. I became more open to life, less critical of those around me, and truly a happy person.

Prefrontal and Neo Cortex

I learned many years later that we all have two prefrontal lobes in our neo cortex that creates the difference between pessimists and optimists. When the left is activated we have thoughts of peace and happiness, and when the right is activated we have more feelings of sadness,worry and become pessimistic. I'm pleased to say that my left stays activated. But, every once in awhile a thought slips in that works hard on breaking me. Remember my roots are deep so I have an occasion here and there where something triggers a thought that I buried long ago. I have to catch myself when my mind begins to go a little sideways and refocus my thinking to something positive. I know that if I don't redirect my thinking it's too easy to get stuck on the negative and lose my happy and peace for sometimes minutes, but other times days.

The Thoughts

A few years ago my oldest sister decided to do some therapy. She would call me after each session excited about her memories and how she was working through them. I listened week after week and carried each story in my thoughts losing sleep night after night. I was so happy that she was finding her peace finally, but I was slowly losing mine. I kept trying to walk beside her, trudging my way through the piles of garbage that she was carrying, and now that I was carrying. As I listened my thoughts always went to the question of who is going to pick me up when I'm in bed curled up in the fetal position. I couldn't shake the awful things that she had experienced from the hands of my father. The thoughts in my mind were stealing my sleep, joy, and inner peace. I had to redirect my thinking to thoughts of her strength, her honesty and loyalty when she shared her story. I focused on how she's such a forgiving person that truly loves people unconditionally. I had to find the positives in her negatives to keep my happy.

"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts, therefore guard accordingly; and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue, and reasonable nature."

- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

Peace, love & hugs!

Moving On

2017-03-07T09:04:00.001-08:00

My time at home during my high school years became mainly a place to lie my head at night. I wasn't really involved with whatever nonsense that took place each day - it was school and work for me. My focus had switched to saving as much money as possible to walk out the door at 18.

I Turned 18

I left home at 18 with a husband and a daughter. My life was finally going to begin, but my father wasn't a good loser. He would call me on the phone trying hard to break me down with his words, and on occasion would walk back and forth in front of my place of employment trying hard to intimidate me. It wasn't about him missing me or loving me; it was simply because I had broke free, and he had lost control.

The Confrontation

Finally one night after work I stopped by my parents home to confront the issue. He flew into a rage shouting that he was going to kill me. I was beyond tired of that same old threat that he screamed at each of us at least once in our lifetime. I looked at him and said, "Okay, do it." Something changed after that incident. It became a different relationship on his part. He sent me a letter shortly after that night expressing how much alike we were, and that he loved me. But, my feelings for him remained the same. I couldn't go back and try to love him again. I had learned years ago that trying to love him was killing me. I had no interest in trying to establish a father daughter relationship. I no longer wanted or needed the relationship - it just wasn't in me to love him; so I didn't.

Love and Trust

I was full of issues from my upbringing, and love and trust were on the top. I didn't trust many people, and love was confusing to me, but I was married now with a newborn, and I knew deep in my heart that going backwards to begin again with my father would not be a good choice. I had walked away from that life which had stripped me of my childhood, caused me continuous pain, and had stole my inner peace. My intentions for myself was to continue moving forward with the new life that I had chosen for me. The past was just that, the past. All of the energy that I had put into trying to make life different with my father had always given me the same result - no change. I was done putting in the time and effort into something that no longer mattered to me. I was moving on!

A New Love

I needed what love that I had left in me to pour into my new life and my new family; so that is what I did.

Peace, Love, & Hugs!

My Journey ...Taking Control

2017-02-28T09:53:00.000-08:00

My days of sitting in solitude gazing at the sky asking God to take me away from my home had ended.

I was older and had become wise enough to recognize that no one was coming to rescue me. Life at home was the same, and year after year family came to visit from California and New Mexico always leaving us behind when they left. I was tired of carrying false hope, so at the ripe old age of 15
I made the decision to no longer believe in the God that I knew nothing about. I needed to figure my life out, and I needed to do it on my own. I only had three years left to have a solid plan. I was no longer the little girl that for eleven years sat on the curb saying childlike prayers while never losing hope of a miracle. I was done hoping and waiting - I needed to take control of my life.

I was in High School now, and although my thoughts were more positive, my focus on school just wasn't there. As much as I loved school I was consumed with thoughts of leaving home. My mind was always on how I would leave at 18.
I had seen my father bring my oldest sister home at gun point. He quit eating and drinking as the days and weeks went by of him not being able to find her. He looked sickly and close to death with barely a whisper as a voice.
I really didn't care if he died, and I'm not saying that in a hateful way. I had just become selfish in my thinking. I was no longer mad or carried hate - I had become pretty numb to feelings. I was so disconnected with all my family members at this point in my life, but I felt some sadness for my mom. She was by his side each day begging him to eat and drink. She looked me in the eyes one day and asked me to run across the street to our neighbor that was a nurse and have her come and check on him. She said, "He's going to die." My mother never asked anyone for anything, so I knew that she really needed this, and for some insane reason she needed him. I didn't understand her need, nor did I care. I just fetched the nurse for her as she asked. Our neighbor highly recommended hospitalization, which naturally he refused. I questioned his desire to die because of my sisters disappearance - there had to be more to all of it, but I wasn't interested in it. I only cared about myself at this point.

I came home from school a few days later and walked quietly towards my father's bedroom stopping close enough to hear my mother begging him to go to the hospital. I heard her say, "What about Carolyn?" I heard his low and gravely voice say, "What about Carolyn? I don't care about her after everything she's done." I guess my voice had become my demise, but I was okay with that. I had ended all feelings towards him years ago.

Peace, love, & hugs!

My Life Journey

2017-02-21T18:52:00.000-08:00

The summer before entering middle school I spent most of my weekdays at a summer program held at the elementary school, and riding around on my bike with Deborah. One day on our ride we stopped at the corner gas station where I had stopped so many times before to grab a soda for our ride. I jumped off my bike and ran to get change. When I asked for change I was told to follow Poochie into the office. I was suddenly pushed inside by King as he locked the door behind him, There I stood stuck inside a tiny space with the two men that had treated me like family. I knew that I was in trouble, so I fought...swinging, kicking and punching the two men that were working hard on ripping off my clothes. What seemed like hours I know was only minutes - thankfully Deborah's instinct signaled that something was wrong. She pounded her fists on the door screaming at them to let me out, and they did - walking away like they had done no wrong.
We rode away that day never looking back or speaking about what had happened, and I never told my father for fear of him killing my attackers. I kept their secret. I protected the men that attacked me like the women in my life had been doing their entire life - hiding the sins of the men that had physically and mentally hurt them.

The secrets and lies had to end. It's the lies and secrets that steals our joy, rattles our peace, and makes our soul hurt. I had no way of controlling my living environment, but I had to take control of not letting the disease of my home to continue to infect me.

THE BEGINNING OF MY CHANGE

I can't remember if it was in 7th or 8th grade, but my science teacher would have a proverb written on the board each morning - those words written each day became my lifeline. It was what
I looked forward to each day, and it was the beginning of my addiction of reading proverbs and quotes daily. (which I continue to do today) Of course, back then I didn't know that I was reprogramming my brain by replacing the garbage in my head with the positive words that I read, but I did know that my days in my world became a little easier because of my changed thoughts and focus. I had a different perspective on situations, had a better understanding of having hurting parents - they became more real to me, and I had found a sane way to live.

Peace, love & hugs!

58 Years

2017-02-16T11:33:00.002-08:00

Today marks 58 years that God has blessed me with; and I am beyond grateful! There were many years of my life that I just took each day for granted, not acknowledging that everyday is a gift that I have been blessed with.
I was too busy surviving and working to accumulate things, versus using most of that energy and time on people. I missed out on moments because I was too busy focusing on what was ahead instead of being in the now. It really wasn't until I woke up one day and found out that I had stage 4 cancer. I was in the best place in my life back then I thought. I was in great physical shape, working and going to school, but my life got turned upside down. Every time my doctor would tell me how lucky I was that I caught my cancer in time, and it was good that I listen to my body, I saw it as my wake up call from God. I had become lost with recognizing my purpose, and I was living with a more is better attitude. Don't get me wrong, I like nice things, but I don't need an over abundance of any material item. I was reminded that the devil is a thief. He will have us believe that more power, more money, and more things define who we are. We begin to believe that we need the best of everything - homes, cars, clothes, shoes, etc.while losing sight of the things that are irreplaceable.

I woke up this morning rushing to get my day started instead of taking time to say thank you to God like I do each morning. As I scurried around the house my thoughts became consumed with whys, doubts, and wants. Such as, why don't I have the summer home up North to escape from the heat. Why am I not making the money that I want to make, what have I accomplished in 58 years, and so on and so on - you get it. I had to remind myself that I don't have to be where I want to be. I have to be where God needs me. So, thank you God for me being cancer free for 17 years, and for showing me that everyday is a blessing filled with beautiful moments and blessings.

Blessings Everyone!

Peace, love & hugs!

My Life Journey

2017-02-14T20:58:00.000-08:00

In my prior blog I mentioned my sister giving birth to a baby girl that was my father's child.
I didn't feel a major shift in my life with the birth of my sister/niece. I also had a younger brother in the home at that time, so another child was my blessing of less attention directed towards me. I was at a point in my life that less was best. I cherished my solitude and would find any place without people to be.

My father had an office that was detached from the main house that I would spend hours hanging out in enjoying the silence. My father liked to gamble so there were many times that he was gone for an entire week, sometimes coming home only to grab fresh clothes. I never knew for sure when he would return, but I had become bolder with leaving the house when he was away. Such as, riding my bike around the neighborhood and staying outside until the streets lights came on. I know that sounds ridiculous to most people, but when you live in a controlled environment, it's huge. My travels were taking me further from my prison, and I was loving my new freedom. I grew up hearing my father refer to my mother and sisters as stupid Mexicans - telling them that they couldn't survive on their own, and that they would never become anything. I needed to prove to myself that I could survive without him. I didn't believe that any of us needed him to function in the world, so I was going to prove it to him and myself.

I traveled frequently to the corner gas station for sodas out of the machine just because the men that worked there were black, and a part of me was longing to see people that looked like me. I had adapted to my environment, but often wondered how my life would have been if we had stayed in the old neighborhood.
I also found a small park that I spent time alone questioning if there was a God while I planned my escape. My questioning God as I stared at the sky had become a ritual for me that I started as a young child and was still questioning as a teen. I was confused and doubtful, but I continued to pray. My plan always consisted of me leaving at 18, but I knew it wouldn't be easy. My father wasn't willing to lose any of us to the outside world. My oldest sister had tried and almost succeeded, but I couldn't do almost, it had to be forever for me. I had no plans on returning once I escaped. My father always threatened to kill us, and I was willing to die for my freedom.

Along with my steps of becoming bolder and taking control of my life, I found friendship. I had friends, but I was always guarded. This friendship was different. I loved hanging out with her, and oddly I felt completely comfortable bringing her to my home. Deborah Garber was my saving grace, my lifeline. I didn't realize that at the time, but I did recognize that my life was better when she was around. We laughed and cried together at TV movies, listened and danced to music, talked and giggled about everything, and took off on our bikes as often as possible. She allowed me to escape from the life I knew, even if it was only in small doses. Those moments gave me hope for something better. I also saw that my father was forced to be on his best behavior when she was over. She helped lessen the pain of our nightmare.

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
– Anais Nin

I didn't know until a couple years ago that as young as we both were, she too knew something was terribly wrong in my home. She remembers my father making a comment to one of our friends that made her uncomfortable. She shared with me that when we were children she remembered the look on my father's face, and the way that he spoke to our mutual friend Julie as he told her she was a pretty little girl. It just didn't feel right to her, and I'm sure that it wasn't. I then remembered Julie being the only friend that he was willing to drive home. My mom was always the chauffeur, but he stepped up to the plate when it came to Julie. Why didn't I see it or listen closer...why did I ever invite her over?

I pray that he never went over without me, and that she never stopped by when I wasn't home.

Peace, Love, & Hugs!

More to come...

Keep Your Head Up

2017-02-08T08:02:00.003-08:00

As you begin your journey today, be aware of the tiniest moments.

It's in those moments that we often find our greatest joy.

"Keep your head up and your heart open"

Peace, Love & Hugs!

My Life Journey

2017-02-07T10:41:00.001-08:00

My Sisters

Before I continue with my journey I want to say that I have never thought of or introduced my sisters as half sisters, so I will be referring to them as my sisters.

The Birth and The Truth

My sister Anna was in 8th grade, the year was 1966 when she gave birth to a daughter. I was young, but in my heart I knew that this was my father's child. There was never a conversation because we didn't talk about anything real as a family, it was all just fluff.

It wasn't until July of 1990 on the day before my father's funeral that my sister Anna spoke her truth. I was 31, and for the first time I saw her power and strength. I was thrilled that she had found her voice. I'm sure many thought her timing could have been better, but it was genius. She had her stage, and sometimes you only get one chance in life, and this was hers!

She had the entire family waiting for her to take her turn and say something noble and grand about the evil man that dictated her life and stole away her childhood. But she was done pretending, so she spoke the truth with conviction in her voice, and in front of relatives that always knew the truth but didn't have the balls, oops, I mean the courage, to do anything about it.

I scanned the room with joy in my heart as I looked at the faces of everyone sitting around my mothers living room. It was just moments before that they were struggling to share positive memories about him, and now the truth was being told. She didn't stop with just revealing her truth; she shared that my older sister's child was my fathers as well. It was priceless! I did feel empathy for my sister/nieces hearing it in this way, but I was so happy that she had ended the charade. They all knew, and I knew that they did, so I wasn't buying and of the shocked faces.
My Aunt Lurlean begin walking out of the room, but I wasn't going to allow it. Not this time! She had turned and walked away too many times in my lifetime knowing what her brother was. I stopped her, and as I looked into her eyes I asked, "why?"
"Why didn't you do anything?" She smiled at me and said, "I knew you were going to be okay." I call bullshit on that answer. It wasn't just about me, there was an entire family that needed rescuing, and I wasn't okay. None of us were.

How Could I Leave Them

My mother cared for both of my sister/nieces and raised them as if they were her own. I was always told that they were my sisters, so that was the story I stuck with for many years until I spoke my truth. The older I became I often wondered how my sisters and mother must have felt keeping that secret and living that lie. I also had wondered when it happened?
I do remember my father in different bedrooms, but never in the room with my mother. She slept in the living room on a hideabed. I remember my father in my bed, but I don't have any recollection of anything happening; just one night of me feeling horribly uncomfortable and pushing my body as far away from him as possible. I still remember how cold my bedroom wall felt that night as I pretended to sleep. I can't remember if that was the first night or the last night he crawled into bed with me, but in my heart I believed we had an unspoken agreement after that night that he would never touch me. I'm sure with extensive therapy I would be able to remember if anything ever happened, but I'm fine never knowing that truth.

That night was the beginning of me becoming an extremely light sleeper. I became tired of protecting myself, and angry at the world for me living this way. I hated carrying the sack of lies that had been gifted to me, but I never thought of telling. I just remained quiet, hopeful and determined that one day I would escape, as I struggled with how I could leave them all behind to face this monster alone. This life made me hurt, and I wanted the pain to end.

Until next time!

Peace, love, & hugs!