Joshua

A new year

2012-01-09T20:06:00.002+11:00

I know for some, 2011 is a year some would rather forget. Some people I know have been through some absolute rubbish, and even still trying to dig their way out.

But as always, I believe its how you deal with what you're given that really matters, and shows your true character.

Here's hoping 2012 is fantastic for you, and a year of moving forward.

For my Angel

2011-12-08T21:01:00.000+11:00

at Christmas :)

This Much

2011-11-24T07:34:00.000+11:00

Water safety isn't just about backyard pools. Potential hazards are all around; buckets, dog bowls, esky's, puddles,and of course showers and bath tubs!

It only take 'this much' water for a child to drown. Watch the water!

2011-11-23T08:05:00.002+11:00

Always, always, always! Watch the water! Not just pools of any kind, but bath tubs, showers, buckets of water, even puddles. It doesn't take much water for a child to drown.

Community Services

2011-10-18T21:59:00.002+11:00

Hello! Hello!

It's been a while, but life has been busy. Mostly good; only one or two of the usual 'things' not even worth a mention, trying to bring things down. But that's life.

It's how and what you do with what life hands you that matters.

A few months ago I started full time study in the Community Services Industry. I can honestly say its one of the best decisions I have ever made, and I enjoy it immensely. I have submitted a few assessments now, and the feedback has been positive, so yay! (Even had to do a speech, and shook less than previous occasions! haha!). I'm on the right track! This particular course is a wonderful general course introducing this field and opportunities (and gaps) within it. I have an idea of where I want to go with it all, but one thing I have definitely learned is that you can plan things all you like, but sometimes things happen that you have no control over and you need to change direction...So it is with study; I have a goal in mind but I could end up in a different place. And I can't wait to see where that will be!

I've also worked a little and enjoyed some industry visits, and those experiences have been invaluable. I look forward to more eye-openers!

My gorgeous kids are developing on many levels, and I am really proud of each of them and love them to pieces. There are still times we need to re-adjust as a family, depending on what is happening at the time, but again, that's just life, so we move forward together.

365 days

2011-07-02T08:10:00.001+10:00

There’s that ache again. Recognise it now.

The pain in my chest wanting, needing,

To burst out through the hole that is there.

Permanently gaping.

The noises that rise from the depths of my being

Out in to the air

Shouldn’t surprise me, but they do.

Still feeling raw.

Oh, the things I would change if I could.

To have your gorgeous whole healthy self here.

That cheeky laugh, those quirky ways.

Ah, hindsight.

I miss you endlessly. More than all the blades of grass

And all the ants in the world.

Weren't you just in my arms? Didn’t I kiss your chubby cheeks?

Just dreaming.

Still so surreal. Time drags. Time flies.

Each step I take is one forward but

Only ‘cause I know that’s what Ive got to do.

Miss you. Love-a you. Always.

First Aid

2011-06-10T19:35:00.001+10:00

Finally. This week, I redid my Senior First Aid Certificate with St John.

Do you know how to do CPR? Book in for your course now.

Unexpected Reminders

2011-04-08T22:48:00.001+10:00

And so many little things have happened over the last few months. Many unexpected triggers that cause a rush of emotion - be it happiness, nostalgia, sadness. All endless.

Today, I was at my children school, watching the Easter Hat parade, that my 7 year old was to be in. The Kindergarten kids came out first, and the first thing I thought of, again unexpectedly, was that Josh would've been in Kindy...

He shouldv'e been there today, parading around in his decorated ice-cream container.

I wondered what class he would've been in.

He would've loved school.

All endless. Fleeting anger, but more resigned.

No tissues handy, but I had a scarf to surreptitiously wipe away the tears...

As Year 2 came out though, I watched my other son with pride, and thankful I was able to be there for him.

To write or not to write?

2011-04-08T22:36:00.000+10:00

That is the question.

I haven't written for a while for a number of reasons. Its not that I haven't wanted to; more to do with being pulled in different directions in knowing whether I could and should... I can only say that certain people haven't wanted me to write about Josh, and our life, and while I can understand that to a point, I feel I write - even more so now - from my perspective, while respecting others by not slandering or casting them in a bad light, etc. Even from a legal viewpoint, as long as I maintain this, and consider my children's best interests, I try to highlight the good and bad, the stuff that comes from an event happen such as ours. Its about raising awareness, not laying blame.

Project Life

2011-01-25T23:03:00.003+11:00

My life is not all doom and gloom without Jojo. Every day is hard, everywhere there are constant reminders, but it's okay. I'm okay.

I shared the last post because again, anyone else going through a similar thing may relate, and feel a little better knowing that they're not the only one. I'm just being honest.

So, for those of you who dont know, I'm a scrapbooker from way back. My sister in law (now an ex, legally, but we still regard each other as sisters) first got me interested about 9 years ago. I went on to have two craft and scrapbook websites, and a little mini store from home. My site closed after Joshy's accident, for obvious reasons.

I loved scrapbooking. It utilised my favourite things; its's hands on, creative, free expression, always different, photos, memories. I also like seeing a project come together quickly, unlike, for example, quilting. It also enables a story to be told about the photos. Its like creating a legacy, or documenting family history.

Here are a couple of pages done in the past.

I haven't scrapped for more than 2 years. Ive done a couple of tiny projects, like a couple of handmade cards, a mini album for a new baby, and some altered wooden letters, but thats all.

If scrapbooking is a way of remembering and recording your life and your family, I simply didn't want to look at what Josh was, or what he had become. And I didn't even want to scrap my other kids moments during this period either. I just wasn't ready.

Until recently.

Almost around the same time I was first introduced to scrapbooking, I "discovered" Becky Higgins. She is held in high regard in the scrapping industry. Simple pages. Unique ideas. Easy to do.

One of her latest concepts (actually, its at least a year old, but yeh, well, Ive been out of the loop for a bit), is called Project Life. Rather apt I think.

There are variations on how to maintain this kind of album (some ideas are here). But the main idea is that you add one photo, and on one little journalling card, you write about that pic. I have 3 albums which Ive purchased just a few weeks ago. I will be doing a photo a day for my family's 2011 album. The second album I'll be choosing random photos out of my piles of printed pics, and journalling about each as the mood strikes.

And my third album, will be just for Josh. About his whole, too short life.

And for the first time in years, I'm looking forward to putting it all together. Oh, I know it wont be easy. But I do feel it is necessary.

Its my family's past, present and future.

I will share a bit here later on.

:-)

I miss my boy

2011-01-25T22:28:00.003+11:00

So, I'm sitting here at work, in my little cubicle office, entering data in to a spread sheet, minding my own business, when WHAM! outta nowhere, I think, rather loudly, "I miss my boy."

I try not to acknowledge the thought. I mean, hello? I'm working. I'm busy. But no. No consideration - again in my mind I hear "I miss my boy." Yes, I know, I think in return. Happy now? I heard you. "I miss my boy!" my mind practically screams back...

My eyes well with tears.

Dammit.

I take my eye drops from my handbag - handy for just such an event, and I briefly wonder how I even have presence of mind to of thought to grab it - and I go to the bathroom.

I stand in front of the huge windows looking out to the street. And I let go...

I'm aware of my shoulders moving in time with my sobs.The mirror is next to the windows, and I turn to look at myself. Im thinking I look a lot older when I cry. But I havent cried like this in a long time.

I miss my boy.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself And I definitely don't wish for my entire old life back, because there are a lot of things I never want to go through, or my kids to go through, again, Josh aside. But I do want my Jojo back.

Thankfully, no one has come in during my... here Im stuck for words...Session? Cry? Moment? Release?

I take a deep breath. And another. I do feel better. Drained. Exhausted. But better.

And thankfully, no one comes in while I blow my nose, smooth out my hair and fix my makeup a little.

And finally, I lean my head back, and add the eye drops to my eyes.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T19:34:00.002+11:00

Merry Christmas to all the little angels that are no longer with us.

Especially my Jojo. x

A gift.

2010-12-13T18:46:00.002+11:00

We were asked to afternoon tea at Joshy's school, which took place this afternoon. I thought there would be other families, but I felt extra special, as it was just for our family, and was simply lovely.

The kids received a booklet of Joshy's art work and some pics of him, as did JF and I. We were also given a book (on grieving), and a framed artwork / photo. I cried.

And I cried a little later too when they showed us their memory wall, of kids who had been in attendance at their school, but who had died. It was sweet and sad at the same time.

Thank you to everyone at that school. The attention to detail and your dedication to my Jojo mattered and made a huge difference. x

Keyring

2010-12-09T18:30:00.000+11:00

A couple of months ago, after Josh died, I somehow lost only the special fingerprint keyring I had done of Joshy's finger print, back in April last year, and I was devastated!

A lovely lady by the name of Kerrie, who I only know of online from when I used to have my scrapbook and craft web store, managed to make her own version from the pictures Id previously posted. They're made out of a light weight epoxy or something... but how cool are they? Thank you so much for caring enough to do this Kerrie. x

Watch the Water

2010-12-08T09:43:00.000+11:00

The message is simple.

Watch the water.

Careflight Newsletter Summer 2010/11

2010-12-03T07:50:00.000+11:00

I have been working a little with Careflight for our media campaigns to help raise awareness for water safety. This article pictures myself with Dr Steve Walker, the wonderful doctor who worked tirelessly for more than 30 minutes to get my jojo's heart beating again, the day of his near-drowning.

Please visit Careflight. To view their current newsletter in full, click on "Our Latest Newsletter" on the right

My Josh In Too Deep

2010-11-12T07:44:00.000+11:00

As seen on page 12, That's Life magazine, Issue 46 17 November 2010.

Rise in Pool Deaths...

2010-11-12T07:22:00.003+11:00

This article can also be found here.

All Eyes on Kids

2010-10-06T20:19:00.000+11:00

wolly-pops

2010-09-14T12:58:00.000+10:00

I went away to the Hunter Valley over the weekend with one of my closest friends, and a few of her friends.. It's something I'd been wanting to do for a couple of years, but being her 40th birthday, it presented the perfect opportunity. It was a nice break and everything was gorgeous.

We went in to the Hunter Valley Chocolate Shop, and I bought a lolly-pop for each of the kids at back at home. It was only when Id left one on each of their pillows I realised I had one left over; Id automatically bought 5. :-)

Joshy called them wolly-pops. Guess Ill eat his. :-)

Corner of the Sky

2010-09-04T13:00:00.024+10:00

As tends to be the way with me, after thinking about it for a while, I suddenly made a decision that I was ready to listen to the music that Josh and I would sing together in the car. It's Sky Medley - Corner of the Sky/ Up Up and Away by Lisa Crouch.

I listened to her CD from the beginning on the way home from somewhere in the car. This particular song is eighth on the CD, and I bawled the whole way through it. I replayed the song again, and managed to sing some, and didn't cry as hard...

It took two days, but I can finally play and sing along to that song, and it is once again one of my favourite CD's.

I'm sharing that so that it is understood, by anyone else who has experienced loss, or is grieving, that things, one at a time, do get better or at least easier, day by day.

5

2010-08-16T08:42:00.000+10:00

My Jojo would of been 5 today! How time flies! Love you Joshie McGoshy. x

Obituary

2010-08-07T08:06:00.001+10:00

Back On Track

2010-08-06T21:22:00.001+10:00

Well, that had to of been the longest month ever. But conversely, didn't Jojo only leave us yesterday? He obviously is never far from mind, but we - the kids and I - are doing pretty good. I know the pain will never leave me at least, but just not be as intense.

We have some hurdles to jump regarding our housing situation at the moment though; being a Housing NSW home, and wheelchair modified at that, technically we are supposed to now move again since we no longer need wheelchair facilities. The problem comes with our family still being large-ish, and no other suitable home being available. I understand the requirement to move, however I also know my children need to have stability and routine right now, more than ever. The last 18 months have been so disruptive for each of them. And so , under recommendation, Ive gathered support from GP's, school etc, to support our case to either move us now, or let us remain for the term of our 5 year lease.

In the interim, I can not just sit around waiting for a decision; I treat our home as exactly that; our home. Ive made plans to get in to the garden, have recommenced putting up hooks and shelves etc, and have looked at colour charts for painting feature walls.

In the last couple of days, Ive also made some other important decisions, and finally feel that I'm ready to get back on track and move forward with our lives.

One of these decisions involves me commencing a few community services courses (eventually a Diploma) through OTEN, which I am really looking forward to now. I can do them at my own pace (thank goodness - hoping I am committed enough to commit to study!) and therefore also take time deciding if this is the path I want to go down, because at the moment I'm thinking along the lines of psychology...

I still also feel strongly about the (near drown) community needing a place to get together to share experiences, swap ideas etc, albeit on-line, and since receiving plenty of support and encouragement, Ive also decided to get back to work on the NDSN website.

And I am finally going to do a little bit of travel; I have a holiday booked with some girlfriends for later in the year, and a major holiday with the kids and some other family organised for next year! The last time I was overseas was 1993! Very excited about both of those!

I also plan on taking some short stays in places like the Hunter Valley, and Melbourne, and also taking the kids for some overnighters up the coast over the coming months. Looking forward to chillaxin' with them.

How many?

2010-08-04T22:37:00.000+10:00

It's not like you share your whole life story with someone you just meet, however the ocassion has arisen a few times in the last few weeks where new people Ive met have asked if I have have children and how many etc...

I have stumbled. And stuttered. And glossed over the "details".

But I realise that each discussion, circumstance, and person is different, and determines the answer I give.

Usually I just say I have 4 kidlets... its easier to say, but not easier to think or explain.