PLAN B

INVESTMENT BANKER

noreply@blogger.com (Steve Melcher) — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 05:49:00 +0000

AVERAGE STARTING SALARY: $45-$85K

(Eventually, of course, you’ll make much more. But even then, only boat money -- not jet money. For that kind of scratch, see Hedge Fund Manager).

WOW FACTOR: 8

PARENTAL PRIDE QUOTIENT: 9

DANGER INDEX: 1

(There’s always the risk of being kicked by your polo pony).

IS IT RIGHT FOR ME?

With investment banking, as with the market itself, it’s all about timing. A year-and-a-half ago, I-banking remained the dream job of every overindulged, to-the-manor-born Ivy Leaguer with C+ grades and A+ connections. Then Wall Street drove the economy off a cliff and the profession’s reputation took a major hit. For a while there, in the public’s perception, investment bankers were the lowest of the low -- ranking somewhere between pedophiles and serial pedophiles.

What a difference a bailout makes. Now, with a skyrocketing Dow, Goldman bonuses at record levels, and “Wall Street 2” in pre-production, investment banking is the balls again. So grab your resume, kid, and schedule a fitting for that monocle.

WHAT’S INVOLVED?

Once you make it to the top, investment banking is just like it looks in the brochure: flying first-class, schmoozing in corporate boxes, and negotiating deals with Warren Buffet over G&T’s and badminton at your summer place. But just starting out, it’s a real bitch. We’re talking 140-hour workweeks, pulling all-nighters to throw together pitch books so your boss can look good. And in return, your boss will show his gratitude by treating you like a bag of his Afghan hound's crap. Unless you’re a chick, in which case he’ll just sexually harass you until you quit.

WHAT TRAINING DO I NEED?

Eventually you’ll need an MBA, but most firms will hire liberal arts graduates to work as analysts for a couple years first, which is win-win for everyone. The bank gets to weed out the weak before investing too much effort in their professional grooming, while the analysts who kill themselves save a fortune on those Wharton student loans.

HOW DO I GET THE JOB?

Investment banks recruit from colleges and business schools, and often start you off with a job over the summer. Competition is fierce, so come to your on-campus interview prepared to kiss serious ass. But don't be too eager beaver-y. Bankers may not be able to sense impending financial apocalypse, but they can smell desperation.

UPSIDE:

The thing that’ll keep you going as you slog through the trenches is the lure of that giant bonus check come January. And trust me -- it’ll be worth the wait. Even a first-year analyst’s paltry $50,000 will buy him 625 lap dances at Scores.

DOWNSIDE:

Even before the collapse, investment bankers weren’t exactly beloved by the hoi polloi. And unless Lloyd Blankfein invests some of those bonus billions in a massive PR campaign, your business card might as well read, “Junior Vice Asshole.”

BODYGUARD

noreply@blogger.com (Steve Melcher) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 06:41:00 +0000

AVERAGE YEARLY SALARY: $55,000

WOW FACTOR: 9

PARENTAL PRIDE QUOTIENT: 7

DANGER INDEX: 8

IS IT RIGHT FOR ME?

If after this past decade of scandals, steroids, and sex tapes, you’re among the minority of Americans who still hold our hypocritical politicians, shameless star athletes, and exhibitionist celebutards in high regard, a job as a “close protection officer” (as it’s known to insiders) could be right up your alley.

And if you’ve long been itching to dole out a beat-down to those camera-toting douchebags from TMZ -- well, that’s bonus.

WHAT’S INVOLVED?

The Latin word “bodyguard” means literally “one who shoves.” Simply put, your job is to protect your client from harm, through a combination of threat assessment analysis, crowd control protocols, and when necessary, actual hand-to-hand combat. And if your client is an athlete, recording artist, or movie star, it’s understood that you will also buy them drugs.

WHAT TRAINING DO I NEED?

When you boil it down, a bodyguard is really just a bouncer without the earring and the clipboard. Both positions require a poker face, an eagle eye for shady behavior, and some martial arts training, if only for show. But bodyguards must also be adept at coming up with cool covert nicknames for their clients, like “Joker” or “Falcon.” Don’t worry. A couple viewings of “Top Gun” will get you in the right mindset.

Currently, there are a few colleges and universities in the U.S. that offer courses in the bodyguard sciences. Spoiler alert: Harvard is not one of them.

HOW DO I GET THE JOB?

More than perhaps any other occupation, being a bodyguard is a position of trust, so most jobs are gotten through referral. Case in point: Mr. T got his job protecting Joe Frazier in the 1970s through their mutual friend, Joel Grey.

UPSIDE:

Experienced bodyguards who work for high-profile personalities can make 180 grand a year, and often a lot more. Working that closely with the rich and famous can be glamorous, and it’s not unheard of for bodyguards to wind up in romantic relationships with the people they’re protecting. I saw a movie about that once.

DOWNSIDE:

When you sign up to be a bodyguard, you’re making a vow to protect your client at all costs, even if it means putting your life on the line. And as noble as that sounds, when you’re bleeding out from a bullet meant for Khloe Kardashian, there’s gotta be some second-guessing going on.

GARBAGE MAN

noreply@blogger.com (Steve Melcher) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:35:00 +0000

AVERAGE HOURLY WAGE: $13.87

WOW FACTOR: 1

PARENTAL PRIDE QUOTIENT: 1

(Most parents of garbage men try to avoid the subject with a casual, “Oh, he works for the city.”)

DANGER INDEX: 4

IS IT RIGHT FOR ME?

Sanitation engineer, waste management technician, dumpster doctor, crap-quistador . . . there’s no use sugar-coating it – you’re a garbage man. But if you’re secure enough with yourself that the job title alone isn’t a dealbreaker, then let’s keep talking.

WHAT’S INVOLVED?

Picking up trash. And when you’re not picking up trash, going on strike.

Going on strike will actually provide some your most satisfying moments as a garbage collector, because there’s nothing like two weeks worth of dirty diapers and sanitary napkins piling up on the curb to make a guy feel needed.

Garbage men certainly have it better than transit workers, who have no equivalent tableau of chaos to drive home their importance to society. It’s hard to distill 40,000 people being slightly late to work into one compelling visual image.

WHAT TRAINING DO I NEED?

You’ll get all the training you need on the job. Coming in, all that’s required from you is brute strength and access to a detergent with Built-in Stain-fighting Power.™

HOW DO I GET THE JOB?

It’s a government job, so you’ll have to qualify by passing a civil service examination. But don’t sweat it – those tests are notoriously easy. Here’s a question off last year’s exam.

UPSIDE:

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. If your route’s in a nice neighborhood, you’ll find that rich folks throw out plenty of perfectly good stuff -- and in the garbage collection business, it’s finders keepers.

On the other hand, if it’s a bad neighborhood, you can look forward to the odd dead body rolled up in a carpet. And who couldn’t use a new carpet?

DOWNSIDE:

Having to answer the question, “So. What do you do?” at parties and class reunions.

Oh, and constantly smelling like ass kinda sucks too.

COAL MINER

noreply@blogger.com (Steve Melcher) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 01:11:00 +0000

AVERAGE HOURLY WAGE: $21.57

WOW FACTOR: 4

PARENTAL PRIDE QUOTIENT: 9 (if other members of your family have preceded you. Otherwise, 2.)

DANGER INDEX: 8

IS IT RIGHT FOR ME?

Have you long thought that the surface of the Earth was overrated? Do you dream of a job with the working conditions of a sewer rat? Then read on, friend.

WHAT TRAINING DO I NEED?

Most miners learn on the job from other miners. Over time, that’s proven to be the most efficient way to pass along the more experienced workers’ outdated skills, unsafe work habits, and chronic drinking problems.

But if you’re too good for that, you can go to one of these new-fangled mining colleges and earn a certificate in mine studies in just one year. Then they’ll plop you in a training mine for a few weeks to learn the ropes. And then, only then, will you be allowed inside an actual mine, where you will immediately realize you’ve made a horrible error in judgment.

HOW DO I GET THE JOB?

Basically, if you’re in any way related to a long-standing coal mining family, you’re in. Talk about a nepotistic industry. Coal mining makes Trump look like the EEOC.

But even if you do have connections, you’ll have to prove that you’re comfortable working in cramped, dark spaces and that you’re in good health. After all, who wants black lung on top of a bum knee?

UPSIDE:

Coal mining is less dangerous than it used to be. Which is kind of like saying that the writing on “Gary Unmarried” has gotten smarter.

On the other hand, it’s hard not to love those “I Had Sex with a Miner” T-shirts all the ladies are wearing.

DOWNSIDE:

If you can get past the explosions, cave-ins, steady erosion of union benefits by management, and having to live in West Virginia – none.

LUMBERJACK

noreply@blogger.com (Steve Melcher) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 00:27:00 +0000

AVERAGE HOURLY WAGE: $25.46

WOW FACTOR: 5

PARENTAL PRIDE QUOTIENT: 4

DANGER INDEX: 7

IS IT RIGHT FOR ME?

If you’re handy with a chainsaw, have little or no respect for living things, and can sleep at night knowing you actively contribute to the demise of the planet for a living, then “Tim-berrrrrr!” It’s time to dig those flannel shirts out of the closet. You’re ready to start dropping logs.

WHAT’S INVOLVED?

It takes a village to raze a forest. The word “logger” actually applies to a whole slew of different jobs out there in the woods:

“Fallers” are the guys who actually cut down the trees. Then “Buckers” cut the trunk into logs. Then “Chokers” wrap chains around the logs and give the high sign to the “Rigging Slingers,” who use tractors to pull the logs out of the forest to where a bunch of railroad cars are waiting.

Could there possibly be yet another occupation dedicated exclusively to dropping logs onto railroad cars? Yep. Those would be the “Loading Engineers.”

Does logging seem way more complicated than it needs to be? Does a lumberjack shit in the woods?

WHAT TRAINING DO I NEED?

Not much in the way of education, but it does help to have a strong sense of self-preservation and some foot speed, since other than the sawing, your main job requirement is not to get squashed by your work product.

Also, if you work near a college town, you can expect to come across the occasional tree-hugger chained to a trunk, spouting Thoreau -- in which case it'd help to have at least a passing familiarity with the logging industry’s talking points in the global warming debate.

HOW DO I GET THE JOB?

Apply directly to logging companies. And you’ll want to make sure you look the part, which means start growing a moustache yesterday. Here’s what you’re shooting for.

UPSIDE:

Even if you’re the new guy, bonding with your fellow loggers is a breeze, thanks to the fact that just about every other word associated with the timber industry is a juicy double entendre waiting to happen. “Wood,” “lumber,” “cutting one,” etc. For Pete’s sake, the word “log” can mean “penis” and “poo!” Rest assured: conversation will pretty much make itself.

DOWNSIDE:

Logging jobs do grow on trees, metaphorically speaking. Therefore, every tree that’s cut down is a lost opportunity for you, the aspiring lumberjack. So if this is a dream of yours, get on it.

PARKING LOT ATTENDANT

noreply@blogger.com (Steve Melcher) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 06:48:00 +0000

AVERAGE YEARLY SALARY: $16,820, plus tips

WOW FACTOR: .5

PARENTAL PRIDE QUOTIENT: -1

(For comparison, being unemployed gets you a 0).

DANGER INDEX: 3

IS IT RIGHT FOR ME?

There are two basic kinds of parking lot attendant.

1) The kind that sits in a cramped little booth all day, watching dully and resentfully as drivers take tickets from an automated machine; and

2) His much cooler cousin, the valet, who gets to actually run around parking cars and practicing his Spanish.

The first type is for you if you’re out of shape, love making change, and own a reliable tiny black-and-white TV. But be warned: claustrophobes need not apply.

If you have a taste for adventure, go for option #2. Imagine the thrill of having a total stranger hand over the keys to a brand-new Maserati, entrusting its care to you and you alone for the next few hours. It’s like carjacking, without all the hurt feelings.

WHAT TRAINING DO I NEED?

Good news. This job is textbook NDR (No Diploma Required). If you’ve got a driver’s license, you’re 99.9% there. But a criminal record will get you dinged. No one wants to get their ride back and discover their Taylor Swift live CD set has gone missing.

If you’ve decided to go the booth monkey route, before showing up for work the first day, ask family and friends to help you practice handing them change without making skin-on-skin contact. It’s trickier than it looks, and the true mark of an artist. For instructional videos, see Toll Booth Attendant .

HOW DO I GET THE JOB?

Check the classifieds. Or if you want to be more proactive, apply in person to managers of your favorite parking lots. If you’re handy, build a box filled with keys dangling from numbered hooks, and blow them away with a demo of your speed and accuracy.

UPSIDE:

If you’re a valet, you’ll end up parking your share of POS’s, but there’ll also be plenty of chances to live out your fantasies, taking 25-second joy rides in gleaming Jags and Escalades.

But handing the keys back to the owners when it’s all over can be almost physically painful – a condition known in the industry as “automotive blue balls.”

Meanwhile, if you’re a booth attendant, the upside is . . . um . . . Hey! Did we mention you get to watch “Dr. Oz?”

DOWNSIDE:

Valets: You’re on the hook for any damage you do to any cars. And with what you’re pulling down, a scratch in a Kia fender will set you back three months’ wages.

Booth Attendants: Many of these attendants are now being completely replaced by machines. They’re cheaper, more reliable, and less likely to be caught masturbating.

ANESTHESIOLOGIST

noreply@blogger.com (Steve Melcher) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:53:00 +0000

AVERAGE YEARLY SALARY: $321, 686

WOW FACTOR: 3

PARENTAL PRIDE QUOTIENT: 8
(Just being a doctor gets you a 7 out of the box. The lone exception? Abortionist.)

DANGER INDEX: 2

IS IT RIGHT FOR ME?

Do you have a burning desire to put people to sleep? Then you’re looking at two possible career paths: Anesthesiologist or Hypnotist.

Anesthesiologists make an average of $321,000 a year and are shown the respect and deference our society naturally bestows on doctors. Hypnotists make about 300 bucks per birthday party and often have their Saturns keyed by the very same audience members who just paid good money to be made complete asses of.

Your choice. But for the sake of argument, let’s say you go the Anesthesiologist route.

WHAT TRAINING DO I NEED?

Sorry, there’s no getting around it. To be an anesthesiologist, you have to go to medical school. In short, you have to be pretty smart. Can’t spell anesthesiologist? Not a problem. The world could always use more hypnotists.

HOW DO I GET THE JOB?

There’s actually a shortage of anesthesiologists right now, so you can relax. That’s good. Now count backwards from ten for me…

UPSIDE:

Anesthesiologists have a great sense of humor, which you already know if you’ve ever gone out to lunch with one and had them shout to the waitress, “Hey! Who do you have to put to sleep around here to get a cup of coffee?!!”

DOWNSIDE:

It’s a very short trip from “anesthesiologist” to “anus-thesiologist.” And your buddies won’t let you forget it.

ANIMAL TRAINER

noreply@blogger.com (Steve Melcher) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:04:00 +0000

AVERAGE HOURLY WAGE: $10.60

WOW FACTOR: 8

PARENTAL PRIDE QUOTIENT: 6

DANGER INDEX: VARIES DEPENDING ON ANIMAL

IS IT RIGHT FOR ME?

Animal Trainer is the perfect job for you if you love animals. And if you want to help those animals maximize their potential to be exploited for human entertainment. And if you love shorts.

Some animal trainers train dogs or monkeys to assist the blind with everyday tasks. That job scores you some great karma. And it’s a great alternative if you’ve got a problem with the exploitation. Or the shorts. Who’s gonna know?

WHAT TRAINING DO I NEED?

Almost all animal training jobs require a high school diploma or GED equivalent. But in reality, only dolphins ever check.

However, some kinds of animal training, like working with endangered species, require further training from qualified professionals (See Animal Trainer Trainer).

HOW DO I GET THE JOB?

It’s recommended that wanna-be animal trainers volunteer in animal shelters. Some of those critters are severely messed up, so you’ll have your work cut out for you. It’ll be like trying to teach an etiquette class in “Oz.”

Word to the wise: make sure you get any of your “star pupils” on video. Quickly.

UPSIDE:

Once you get good, you can tack the word “Whisperer” onto the name of whatever animal you work with, and start making some of that Cesar Millan bank.

DOWNSIDE:

Animal training is repetitious and mind-numbing work. That is, unless you work with chimps, in which case each day is an adventure. But be warned that when chimps attack, they seem to always go for the nuts. So wear a cup.

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