God, me and poker

New blog

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 17:28:00 +0000

Here's a link to the new blog. http://notpeacebutasword.wordpress.com. Thanks to everyone that made God, Me and Poker such a fun blog to do.

Shutting It Down

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 17:10:00 +0000

This is going to be the last post on God, me and poker. It's been a great run. The thing is, my path is pulling me further and further away from what this was. I can't reconcile these two parts of my life anymore. Poker (or at least the pursuit of money or fame) is meaning less and less in my life these days. It's hard to write about what's going on with me anymore in this vehicle.

I really think if anything this was a transitory blog. One that got me over the hump from being a using addict to establishing a relationship with God to that becoming something so much bigger. I just feel like hanging out here, while it's kind of a cute name and what not is really not what I'M about anymore or want to be about.

I want to be a true follower of Jesus. I want to be able to pick up my cross and follow Him. I want to give everything away to the poor. I want to live the life of a humble servant of Him. I think that He loves me no matter what. The problem is that I don't feel that I am showing Him enough love and respect.

This venue makes it easy for me to fall back into the "Well, I'm a new Christ follower and whatnot so you have to give me a break." It's not like that anymore. I was baptized and made a public declaration that I'm living my life for Him. I don't want to be constantly using the excuse that I'm at most a casual fan of Jesus.

With all that said look for a new blog from me. One that is more where I'm going than where I've been. Thanks for everyone that has been kind and gracious enough to read my ramblings on here. God bless you for all the wonderful comments. I really feel that I have made some true friends with this.

I think that now is the time to kick it up a notch. I think that's what Christ wants from me. I think that's what I owe him. To really serve him with my actions and not just easy words that fall off my lips. I'm praying that God makes me an instrument of his to sow goodness into this world. At least my little part of it.

Jesus, thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to live a different life from the one that I was heading. Please use me to further Your work on this earth. Help me to keep falling in love with Your Word. Let me be Your hands, Your eyes, Your mouth. Allow me to be an example of what's right in this world and not what's wrong. I know You know that I am far from perfect. Let my imperfections show to other's how we can live a life of Grace, Lord. Please bless all the people that have stopped through here and I hope that they at least saw a small reflection of You in me. Amen.

It's been awhile

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Wed, 27 May 2009 14:53:00 +0000

Ahem. Clearing my throat. I haven't really spoken in awhile on here. It's so much easier to state where I'm at in 140 characters or less. I have a little U2 going on the Pandora and I'm coffeed up. I should be working but I don't really feel like working today. I have to get Grace at 11:55am and would rather hang out and write this and then get her later.

What's been happening? I know it's been awhile. To start off, things have been a little tough. We had to find a more economical placeto live. We found another place in La Mesa. It's actually a way cooler and more affordable place for us. A lot smaller but I don't really mind that.

Work is good. They are remodeling our store so it's a little dusty and dirty but besides that it's been kinda cool watching how they change a store around. It's looking great. I'm also working back at The Pen Guys (the job I am not at this morning) slinging pens. I'm struggling a bit there but it's not as imperative that I make a bunch of money there.

Letty and I have been kinda at each other's throats this month. It's been a very difficult time for us. We are both prideful people and have a hard time letting things go. We have different ways of dealing with things and sometimes that leads us to clashing over things. I'm much more of a get out in the open talk about it kinda guy and she is more of a keep it at home and let it stay there kinda girl. That's another reason why I haven't been blogging much or even tweeting some of the things that have been going on.

And I'm still not. Next week. For sure. I will tell you what is up. It has nothing to do with drinking or drugging or anything like that. Just things that I guess I still can't talk about. Sigh. I'm kinda sad right now. Pray for me, will ya?

St. Ignatius Spiritual Exercises

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 18:21:00 +0000

I really needed Journey this morning. I've been going through a period of spiritual desolation and I didn't even know it. I mean I knew that I was struggling and going through a tough time but wasn't quite aware of it being a spiritual malady within me. Ed talked about this at the end of his message and mentioned St. Ignatius and his Spiritual Exercises. What follows is the chapter that he commented on. I figured if I could relate, maybe the rest of you could also. It's somewhat of a tough read, but if you are there it makes complete sense even if the wording is a little rough to a modern day American speaker like myself. Enjoy.

FOR PERCEIVING AND KNOWING IN SOME MANNER THE DIFFERENT MOVEMENTS WHICH ARE CAUSED IN THE SOUL

THE GOOD, TO RECEIVE THEM, AND THE BAD

TO REJECT THEM. AND THEY ARE MORE

PROPER FOR THE FIRST WEEK.

First Rule. The first Rule: In the persons who go from mortal sin to mortal sin, the enemy is commonly used to propose to them apparent pleasures, making them imagine sensual delights and pleasures in order to hold them more and make them grow in their vices and sins. In these persons the good spirit uses the opposite method, pricking them and biting their consciences through the process of reason.

Second Rule. The second: In the persons who are going on intensely cleansing their sins and rising from good to better in the service of God our Lord, it is the method contrary to that in the first Rule, for then it is the way of the evil spirit to bite, sadden and put obstacles, disquieting with false reasons, that one may not go on; and it is proper to the good to give courage and strength, consolations, tears, inspirations and quiet, easing, and putting away all obstacles, that one may go on in well doing.

Third Rule. The third: Of Spiritual Consolation. I call it consolation when some interior movement in the soul is caused, through which the soul comes to be inflamed with love of its Creator and Lord; and when it can in consequence love no created thing on the face of the earth in itself, but in the Creator of them all.

Likewise, when it sheds tears that move to love of its Lord, whether out of sorrow for one’s sins, or for the Passion of Christ our Lord, or because of other things directly connected with His service and praise.

Finally, I call consolation every increase of hope, faith and charity, and all interior joy which calls and attracts to heavenly things and to the salvation of one’s soul, quieting it and giving it peace in its Creator and Lord.

Fourth Rule. The fourth: Of Spiritual Desolation. I call desolation all the contrary of the third³⁶ rule, such as darkness³⁷ of soul, disturbance in it, movement to things low and earthly, the unquiet of different agitations and temptations, moving to want of confidence, without hope, without love, when one finds oneself all lazy, tepid, sad, and as if separated from his Creator and Lord. Because, as consolation is contrary to desolation, in the same way the thoughts which come from consolation are contrary to the thoughts which come from desolation.

Fifth Rule. The fifth: In time of desolation never to make a change; but to be firm and constant in the resolutions and determination in which one was the day preceding such desolation, or in the determination in which he was in the preceding consolation. Because, as in consolation it is rather the good spirit who guides and counsels us, so in desolation it is the bad, with whose counsels we cannot take a course to decide rightly.

Sixth Rule. The sixth: Although in desolation we ought not to change our first resolutions, it is very helpful intensely to change ourselves against the same desolation, as by insisting more on prayer, meditation, on much examination, and by giving ourselves more scope in some suitable way of doing penance.

Seventh Rule. The seventh: Let him who is in desolation consider how the Lord has left him in trial in his natural powers, in order to resist the different agitations and temptations of the enemy; since he can with the Divine help, which always remains to him, though he does not clearly perceive it: because the Lord has taken from him his great fervor, great love and intense grace, leaving him, however, grace enough for eternal salvation.

Eighth Rule. The eighth: Let him who is in desolation labor to be in patience, which is contrary to the vexations which come to him: and let him think that he will soon be consoled, employing against the desolation the devices, as is said in the sixth Rule.³⁸

Ninth Rule. The ninth: There are three principal reasons why we find ourselves desolate.

The first is, because of our being tepid, lazy or negligent in our spiritual exercises; and so through our faults, spiritual consolation withdraws from us.

The second, to try us and see how much we are and how much we let ourselves out in His service and praise without such great pay of consolation and great graces.

The third, to give us true acquaintance and knowledge, that we may interiorly feel that it is not ours to get or keep great devotion, intense love, tears, or any other spiritual consolation, but that all is the gift and grace of God our Lord, and that we may not build a nest in a thing not ours, raising our intellect into some pride or vainglory, attributing to us devotion or the other things of the spiritual consolation.

Tenth Rule. The tenth: Let him who is in consolation think how he will be in the desolation which will come after, taking new strength for then.

Eleventh Rule. The eleventh: Let him who is consoled see to humbling himself and lowering himself as much as he can, thinking how little he is able for in the time of desolation without such grace or consolation.

On the contrary, let him who is in desolation think that he can do much with the grace sufficient to resist all his enemies, taking strength in his Creator and Lord.

Twelfth Rule. The twelfth: The enemy acts like a woman, in being weak against vigor and strong of will. Because, as it is the way of the woman when she is quarrelling with some man to lose heart, taking flight when the man shows her much courage: and on the contrary, if the man, losing heart, begins to fly, the wrath, revenge, and ferocity of the woman is very great, and so without bounds; in the same manner, it is the way of the enemy to weaken and lose heart, his temptations taking flight, when the person who is exercising himself in spiritual things opposes a bold front against the temptations of the enemy, doing diametrically the opposite. And on the contrary, if the person who is exercising himself commences to have fear and lose heart in suffering the temptations, there is no beast so wild on the face of the earth as the enemy of human nature in following out his damnable intention with so great malice.

Thirteenth Rule. The thirteenth: Likewise, he acts as a licentious lover in wanting to be secret and not revealed. For, as the licentious man who, speaking for an evil purpose, solicits a daughter of a good father or a wife of a good husband, wants his words and persuasions to be secret, and the contrary displeases him much, when the daughter reveals to her father or the wife to her husband his licentious words and depraved intention, because he easily gathers that he will not be able to succeed with the undertaking begun: in the same way, when the enemy of human nature brings his wiles and persuasions to the just soul, he wants and desires that they be received and kept in secret; but when one reveals them to his good Confessor or to another spiritual person that knows his deceits and evil ends, it is very grievous to him, because he gathers, from his manifest deceits being discovered, that he will not be able to succeed with his wickedness begun.

Fourteenth Rule. The fourteenth: Likewise, he behaves as a chief bent on conquering and robbing what he desires: for, as a captain and chief of the army, pitching his camp, and looking at the forces or defences of a stronghold, attacks it on the weakest side, in like manner the enemy of human nature, roaming about, looks in turn at all our virtues, theological, cardinal and moral; and where he finds us weakest and most in need for our eternal salvation, there he attacks us and aims at taking us.

OK a Real Post

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 11:06:00 +0000

I do a daily bible reading program. I've never read it in it's entirety. Ed Noble mentioned this in church and on his blog at the beginning of this year so I took him up on it. It's been mostly good, a lot convicting, and sometimes horribly disconcerting. In the Old Testament I've read Genesis through Deuteronomy and in the New Testament the Gospel of Matthew as well as Acts and Romans.

Are there parts of the Bible that you get hung up on? That you just can't get your head around? I love Romans. I love the way Paul explains our new relationship with God after Jesus came and died for our sins. I love his humanity in chapter 7 as he explains how he does what he hates to do. I'm really grateful that I go to a church that lets me know that it's OK to stumble. That God's grace covers all. I know being raised Catholic it didn't always feel that way. I know that as a catholic I felt out of the going to heaven game by the time I was eighteen, if not younger. The way that I lived my life from that point forward was kind of a confirmation that I thought I was going to Hell so I was going to make the most of the time that I had here on Earth. Easier yet, I decided not to believe in anything at all, which made it easier than ever to do whatever I wanted, regardless of the consequence.

Which had nothing to do with the opening sentence of the last paragraph. Sometimes I digress. I ran into a really disturbing passage in Deuteronomy the other day. It goes like this:

Because of the suffering that your enemy will inflict on you during the siege, you will eat the fruit of the womb, the flesh of the sons and daughters the LORD your God has given you. ⁵⁴ Even the most gentle and sensitive man among you will have no compassion on his own brother or the wife he loves or his surviving children, ⁵⁵ and he will not give to one of them any of the flesh of his children that he is eating. It will be all he has left because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege of all your cities. ⁵⁶ The most gentle and sensitive woman among you—so sensitive and gentle that she would not venture to touch the ground with the sole of her foot—will begrudge the husband she loves and her own son or daughter ⁵⁷ the afterbirth from her womb and the children she bears. For she intends to eat them secretly during the siege and in the distress that your enemy will inflict on you in your cities. - Deuteronomy 28:53-57

That's the worst of the chapter. From Deuteronomy 28:15-68 it's brutal. I mean, some really, really horrible consequences. I was feeling the revulsion of these words again as I was copying and pasting them onto this post. If I was joking around, it sounded to me like Ali talking about what he was going to do to an opponent before one of his fights. I have to be honest though, I don't think this is anything to joke about. If you know me, that's rare. If I had been an Israelite I would have been terrified. Hell, I'm terrified for them just reading it.

So here's my dilemna. I don't even know that I can call it a dilemna really. I think when you let Christ in your life you give up the right to question what you read in the Bible. Hmm, that's not it. I make a decision to have faith that the Word is right and that I don't understand everything. That's a little better. I think as a thinking human being I'm going to question things that confuse me. That don't seem to line up square in my perception. I think that I'm even going to be angry and confused about things that God says in his book.

Believe me, God can and will do whatever He wants. I'm not egocentric enough to think that I know better than Him. I just have a hard time reconciling the God of Deuteronomy with the God that I've been learning about in Romans. I understand Grace and Christ's sacrifice doing away with the old law. I understand that when I accepted Jesus into my life that I made a new covenant with God.

I've been reading The Shack. It's a good book, maybe a little too new agey for me. In a lot of ways it remined me of Illusions by Richard Bach. Which was an awesome book, it was one of the first books I read that poked some holes in my youthful conception (or non-conception) of God. There again, the author has God as Papa. Papa is this wonderful entity just oozing love and forgiveness. Same with the book version of Jesus. I think that the author (willie) painted them with what? Too bland of colors? I thought the Holy Spirit (sarayu) was well done. I guess whenever we try to write about God we are putting Him in a box and as I'm constantly reminded, He's a little too big to try and cage in and say "This is God."

Here's what's been happening as I'm writing this post. I'm realizing that God is way too big for me to try and pin down. That I can still have my doubts, my moments of confusion, and yes, anger and still love Him. There are still things that maybe I'm too new in Christ to comprehend since I haven't read the full story. I'll just keep praying that He will open my eyes to the things unseen.

Talkin' 'bout ABC's!

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 22:35:00 +0000

Since I haven't been posting much I thought I might do this meme that I found on my buddy Brenda's blog from Beside the Sea. I probably shouldn't though since she totally got me on April Fool's day with one of her posts. Oh well, forgive and forget I say.

A - Age: 43.

B - Baseball Game or Ballet: Baseball baby!

C - Chore you hate: Cleaning the bathroom, yuck!

D - Dream Vacation: The Holy Land

E - Easter candy:Too easy. Jelly beans!

F - Favorite Flowers: A rose by any other name would be as sweet?

G - Games: Ummm, Poker's still a game right?

H - Height: 5' 8 1/2.

I - Instrument you play: Guitar and bass.

J - Job title: Receiving Associate.

K - Kindergarten Memory: Hiding in the little playroom they had.

L - Luxury you live without: Cable?

M - Mexican food choice: Whatever mi madre en law es making!

N - Nickname: bub, krazy joe, Paulie, Uncle Paulie, dad.

O - Overnight hospital stay: Never have had one.

P - Pet Peeve: Tardiness. Mine or others.

Q - Quotes you like: Therefore, change your hearts and stop being stubborn. - Deuteronomy 10:16. or God.

R - Rainforest or Redwoods: Rainforest.

S - Siblings: My beautiful sister Shelly!

T - Television favorites: The Office and American Idol.

U - Ultimate dessert: Ice Cream cake! MMMMMMM!

V - Vegetable you dislike: cabbage.

W - Ways you run late: Poop. I forgot to set my alarm last night. Only the second time I've been late to work in the last two years. See pet peeves.

X - X-rays you've had: teeth, arm, fingers, ribs.

Y - Yummy food you make: ummmmm, hamburger helper? I'm such a gourmet!

Z - Zoo animal that's your favorite: Monkeys!

An Error in My Thinking

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 14:51:00 +0000

One of the things that I assumed when I first started going to Journey was that everyone else there was perfect. Unlike me, of course. I looked around and everyone seemed so perfect. So, what's the word I'm looking for, put together. To me, everyone had given their lives to Jesus at an early age and had since been living a life of mission trips, Jesus camps, perfect marriages and children, and marvelous friendships. Now, I knew logically that it wasn't true but that was my perception at the time. I figured there were a couple other damaged goods kinda folks like me there but we were few and far between. Perhaps looked upon as a novelty for all the other good church going folk.

It's been awesome learning that I was totally mistaken. It seems I go to church with a bunch of other people that are just like me. People that struggled for years before finding "The Way". I love that phrase, I think that I picked it up in Acts. People that had and have what Ed called broken cisterns. My kind of people. I'd like to think Jesus' kind of people.

It's funny because I wouldn't have exactly thought of myself as Jesus' kind of people. Most of my experience prior to Journey had been (whether it's true or not I'm not sure, it was my perception) of Christians that seemed to veer from self righteous to patronizing in their attitudes to a person of my ilk. Nothing that exactly appealed to me to come over to that side of the fence. If I was going to be a prideful, arrogant know it all I could do it from my side of the fence. On my side at least I knew all the answers.

I'm always amazed how God works. How He puts exactly the people you need to hear right in front of you at the time that you need to hear them. That's happened many times over since I've been attending Journey the last couple of years. It's not just Journey either. In my travels through the Christ Following peeps on the Internet as well. In the last couple of years I've heard other Christ followers talk about their struggles with addiction, pride, sex, abuse, fear, money, depression, and all the other myriad issues that we as humans deal with in our lifetimes.

I love the hope that it gives me. Not that I want to be a shiny, happy member of the congregation. There are other things that I DO want that I see in my fellow Journeyites. I want their passion for Christ. I want their faith. I want their determination. I want their spirit of service to their fellow man. I'm blown away constantly by the things I see other members of my church doing. Whether it's leading people in prayer or adopting children from Africa or raising their children up in the Holy Spirit or helping people in TJ or feeding the homeless of a Friday night it inspires me to take that next step into a more aligned path with God. "The Way".

This is just a little thank you for everyone sharing their stories, their journeys, with me over the last couple of years. Letting me know that there aren't any perfect people. That God uses us in all of our inglorious natures to reach others that wouldn't be able to hear the Good News from any other person.

Thank you Lord for everything that I have been through. I understand now that I needed to do what I did so that I can reach those who might otherwise be unreachable. Thank You for those that You have brought to me that I was able to hear their message of Your grace and Your love for them and how through Your Son whose incomparable sacrifice made my life redeemable as well. Amen.

Thank You!

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 20:03:00 +0000

Sorry I haven't written before now but I'm sick as a dog. I caught whatever is going around and it knocked me for a loop the last couple of days. I want to send out a big Thank You to all who have given and prayed for Rahma over the last week. The good news is that thanks to your contributions Rahma is good for 3 months and a birthday present to boot! I'll write her a letter telling her about all the wonderful people that helped her.

By the way, it's Rahma's 5th birthday yesterday as well as my grandson's 2nd today. I think that I could use a couple of get well soon prayers, lol. Again, thank you for all of your help, you are the best!

Here she is!

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 20:34:00 +0000

Are you ready? Here's the most recent picture that I have received of her. Isn't she beautiful? Her letters are even better. I'm going to try to transcribe one on here.

This was the first picture we received of her. Can ya see why she's so wonderful? What a doll!

Here's my transcription of the first response letter we got from her!

Dear Paul Stevens,

Rahma greets you she says praise the Lord Jesus! She says she is fine together with her family and continuing wel with their daily activities. She asks is your family fine?

She says that she thanks you so much for your prayers for she is continuing well with her daily school studies together with the Bible studies she is studying on Saturday at the central.

She continues to say that she thanks you so much for the good letter you sent her. She says she was very happy to know your family also she was very happy to get information that you are living in San Diego city, she says may God bless you so much for your love.

She says that the weather condition here now in lringa is rain then they have start to prepare the fields and grow different crops. She says she loves you so much and she would be happy if one day you will come to their home. Lastly she says be blessed with the Lord.

Rahma

How's that for a letter! Can you see why I can't just turn away? I want to thank everyone that's given so far, whether it's through money or prayer. God is so blessing you for giving this wonderful child a chance. God loves you and so do I!

A small plea for Compassion

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 14:51:00 +0000

I'm going to have to start posting again. I don't want to be put in the "blogatical" category. Seems as if everyone is going on some kind of break from blogging. Carlos, Anne Jackson, even Heidi at Candid Chatter. Soooo, maybe I'll blog a little more to make up for their lost voices.

It's funny how Satan works. He knows where my pride and ego are. He knows where I'll normally stop relying on help from God and the people he puts into my life. He knows that I want to be able to declare myself "self-sufficient" without the need of help from anyone. That's a real bad place for me to be. When things are rough, especially financially, I have a tendency to shut up and try to figure out a way around it. I would never ask for help. I can figure it out by myself.

That's why I love the spiritual principle of tithing. It makes me totally rely on God instead of leaving myself to my own devices. It makes me take some kind of "ownership" interest in my church. I feel that when I'm tithing it really is "my" church, my family's spiritual home. What's awesome is that God hasn't let us down. No one in my house is going hungry, the bills are somewhat paid, and we have a roof over our head.

It's also making me reach out to you. The people that read this blog. To do something that I totally hate to do. Which is ask for some help. Not for me necessarily. To help someone I really care about. My Compassion Child. Rahma from Tanzania.

We have barely been getting by financially. The last couple of months I've been able to keep my commitment to her but this month I haven't been able to figure a way to do it. I know that it's only $32 a month. If I could figure out where to get it from without asking for help I would do it. I still wouldn't ask for help but I think God is leading me to do this. To put down my ego. To swallow my pride. To let others do what I can't. As hard as that is to admit.

The old me would have let her go. Cut her loose. Push her off on to someone else. That not what the new me is going to do. I'm going to figure out how to help this girl. Even if it means, gulp! asking for help. I don't care if I have to beg for $32 a month every month for the rest of my commitment to her.

So Rahma is now going to be God, Me, and Poker's kid. I'm going to figure out a way that you can give money to her. If anyone has suggestions let me know. Any money that you give will go straight to Rahma's Compassion account. She writes the most beautiful letters also. I'll put them on here for you to read. I'll put her picture up so you can see what a beautiful little girl you are helping. So that you can see how His Compassion reaches across the world.

Anyways, do God a favor. Help me give Rahma a hand up. He'll most assuredly appreciate it. He wants to show me and you His love for all of His children.

This might help facilitate things for the time being. If you want to write a check, money order, or send cash Here's where you can send it.

Paul Stevens
4250 Parks Ave. #16
La Mesa CA 91941

I'm looking in to getting a paypal account set up as well. Their site was enormously slow this morning so I'll take another crack at it right now. Thanks again.

Quiet

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 00:20:00 +0000

If y'all are wondering why I'm so quiet lately, I believe it's because I'm in a season (maybe most overused word in American Christendom) of God telling me to shut the F up. And listen. So I'm listening. I'm hearing. It's all good. I'm sure that I'll be back soon. It's hard to shut up a talking donkey like myself for too long. Loving God, Jesus, my family, my Church, and my country more than ever.

Denying The Resurrection

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:36:00 +0000

I found this blog entry by Peter Rollins. It was so good that I had to borrow it.

I am four days into my ‘Lessons’ tour and so far loving it. My time to date has been spent in Calvin College engaging in fascinating debates with Kevin Corcoran, Jason Clark, Jamie Smith, Lori Wilson and Michael Wittmer. Many subjects have been covered, but perhaps the most pertinent one revolved around the place and nature of belief in faith.

At one point in the proceedings someone asked if my theoretical position led me to denying the Resurrection of Christ. This question allowed me the opportunity to communicate clearly and concisely my thoughts on the subject, which I repeat here.

Without equivocation or hesitation I fully and completely admit that I deny the resurrection of Christ. This is something that anyone who knows me could tell you, and I am not afraid to say it publicly, no matter what some people may think…

I deny the resurrection of Christ every time I do not serve at the feet of the oppressed, each day that I turn my back on the poor; I deny the resurrection of Christ when I close my ears to the cries of the downtrodden and lend my support to an unjust and corrupt system.

However there are moments when I affirm that resurrection, few and far between as they are. I affirm it when I stand up for those who are forced to live on their knees, when I speak for those who have had their tongues torn out, when I cry for those who have no more tears left to shed.

That's where I want to get.

Feeling a little insecure about my masculinity

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 15:38:00 +0000

Here are the results of my genderanalyzer.com analysis. How 'bout them Padres huh? Who's watching the Super Bowl this weekend? I love that recipe...DOH! They got me!

Results

We guess http://godmeandpoker.blogspot.com is written by a woman (57%), however it's quite gender neutral.

Wednesday Words

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 13:03:00 +0000

It's been an interesting week. My week generally starts on Thursday night if you're wondering. I had my last day of fasting last Wednesday and I'm looking forward to macking on something today. Wednesday is my one real day off and it truly felt like a sacrifice to not eat on that day, as cheesy and weak as that sounds. I've grown soft, what can I say?

Letty and I attended a Quiet Time Workshop on Saturday at Journey. It was given by the Daily Journey ministry and it was awesome. I worked overnight, shot over there after a quick shower, and was amazingly able to stay awake the whole time without a problem. Journey makes good coffee! I wish they had a website or something I could hook you up to but I'm not sure if they do. If anyone knows of one or maybe even if Ann has a blog let me know.

The gist of the workshop was to help us find a deeper, more meaningful relationship with God through our quiet time. I've already been doing this, but it was more of a reading the passages of scripture from my bible reading guide as opposed to the more meditative practice that they were talking about.

The best part for me was the small group that they broke us down into so that we could practice the techniques for ourselves. Our leader was Kevin Brangwynne, who's a cool dude that I've been twittering back and forth with over the last couple of months. He did a great job of leading us through it and I loved everybody's take on what they read and what they experienced. I think The Lord's been speaking strongly to me about not being such a "weekend viewer" of what goes on at Journey on Sunday and start to become an active member of my church. This was a great start to this journey for us.

Sunday was more conviction time as Ed was talking about practicing different spiritual disciplines. The one that spoke most loudly to me (just like last year) was the discipline of tithing. We were doing it for awhile and then fell away from it as the year progressed. The funny thing is it was true what God said. We were blessed more financially when we were tithing than we ever were when we were not.

I think the spiritual principle I get from this is partly that in doing this I'm actually obeying and putting into practical application that I actually walking the walk and not just talking the talk. It's easy to say "Oh yes God, I believe in you and I will sing your praises from here to eternity" than it is to hand Him my hard earned cash. I'm cheap man. It's definitely an issue with me that I have to address. The truth is that none of it is mine, it's all His, and I should be grateful that He lets me keep 90% of it. If I can keep myself in that frame of mind it's not a problem. It's when my fear and financial insecurity get the best of me that I fail miserably. Lord, please keep me humble and of service to You this year in this particular discipline.

I think our next step is to find a small group to become a part of. I'm going to start sincerely looking for one this month. I think it's the next step for us. Pray that I don't chicken out or get lazy.

Have you noticed that there's been a fundamental shift on this blog's emphasis on God and my journey with Him as opposed to poker and my personal life? What the heck happened? Amazing how He works huh?

Here's a little poker content. I am on fire right now. I've finished in the money (ITM) in 5 of the last 7 tourneys I have entered. I don't believe that God is influencing the outcomes of my tournaments. Let's get that out of the way right from the start. I will say this though. Since I've become a Christ Follower my game has become so much more disciplined than it was before. I'm not allowing my results to affect the way that I play which is huge. I rarely tilt anymore and I think it's because I'm not out to destroy others but just play the best that I can and let the results be what they are.

A little personal life content. Probably the guy that has been my best buddy throughout my life dropped in from Minnesota last week to play a reunion show with his old band. We only got to hang out Wednesday afternoon (right in the middle of my fast) but it was still great to see him. I'm sure that we all have that friend that no matter what the twists and turns of life bring us it's like nothing has changed when we get together. It's so good to have someone that you are that close to even if you only see each other a couple of times a decade anymore. So anyway, it was great to see you Dave and I love you and your family. Hope I can get out to Minnesota one of these years and hang with you, Elena, and the kids. God Bless.

OK, a couple of questions for anyone that happens to drop by,

Do you have a best friend?

Everyone's always asking questions about what they would improve about themselves. I'd like to know what's something that you like about yourself! Such a better question. I got the idea from another blog I read, JudiFree. I like my eyes and my sense of humor. How about you? What do you like about yourself?

Powerful

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 13:20:00 +0000

A powerful message from John Piper on the prosperity gospel that needs to be heard. Heads up to Katdish who I found this from. Thanks, it was something I needed to hear.

Wednesday Words

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:52:00 +0000

At Journey we are going through a 21 day season of fasting. While we are fasting we are asking God, "What?" What do you want from me, Lord. If I was asked while I'm fasting what I want I would say a delicious cheeseburger, or maybe a nice slab of prime rib with a yummy baked potato. Unfortunately no one is asking me.

If you haven't noticed, today is my fasting day. Every Wednesday through these 3 weeks is the day Letty and I chose to fast. She has it way harder than I do. She has to work, it's my day off. I get to sit at home and fast, read, pray, play cards, PSII it, nap, and do whatever I can to take my mind off of eating. I wish I could say that whenever I am hungry I instantly go to prayer and meditation but I don't have it like that. Sometimes I think a poker tournament or a NCAA basketball game will quell my hunger. Pray for me on that one.

I think that the one thing I'm getting from God is to draw closer to him through my Church. Which of course scares the heck out of me. I'm kind of an introvert by nature and most of the friendships in my life have been forged by necessity or happenstance. I'm hoping that God will make me realize that this IS necessity (much like NA has been for most of my life).

I'm finally getting cracking and jumping on the Bible study guide that I printed out from Ed at the beginning of the year. When I get home from work in the morning it's the first thing that I do. If I try to do it at any other time it just doesn't get done. Is doesn't not a word? It's showing up in my spell checker as not a word. Hmmmm.

Football season is over and I think the Chargers made a nice run just running out of gas and facing a really good team at the end. That Steeler defense is just too fast. Hopefully we will get off to a better start next season. I'm going to say something that might get me excommunicated from Chargerville. Keep Norv. Give him one more year. Hey, he's getting us to the playoffs and we are actually winning playoff games. Maybe with a healthy Merriman it would have put us over the top.

Spring training starts next month and I know absolutely nothing about the 2009 version of the Padres except they have an unhappy Jake Peavy, no Trevor time, and Adrian Gonzalez. It could be fun watching a young team rebuild this year. Or not.

Alright, off to do my daily reading and then who knows what? Have a great day. Oh, BTW

Now that the New Year is underway, how are you doing with your resolutions or goals? Have you changed them up to be more realistic?

Happy New Years 2009

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 18:30:00 +0000

OK, here's the obligatory New Years post, since I have a little time to do it today. I'm not going to do the year in review though. I prefer to look ahead and set some goals for the New Year.

I think I have quit my second job. I have only been there one day since the dentist and it wasn't working for me. Maybe sometime in the future but as for now it's way too hard for me to try and talk for 6 hours a day on the telephone. I'm a little bummed because I was starting to get back into it after having taken a couple years off but I'm sure it's because God has something else planned for me. I'm a little scared about the loss of income as well but we made it before I took the second job and I'm sure we will be fine now as well. Pray that God watches over me and my family financially in the next few months, it's going to be a little tight.

On the work front, I'm hoping to get back into working in an office environment again. When I say again, I should mention it's been close to 20 years since I've done it. I think with my nice new smile I will feel more confident about pursuing that line of work. I'll probably try some of the temporary service places part time to get my feet wet and maybe sneak in the back door of a good company. That's what I did before and it worked out really well for me. The only problem then was that I was too strung out to not blow the job after a few months. I shouldn't have that problem this time. I love Wal-Mart but I'm tired of working nights and beating my body up on a daily basis.

I'm going to try a structured bible reading plan this year. I was cruising blogs when I ran into Ed Noble's blog and he made a strong suggestion to try it. You know, if I was really trying to be a disciple. Alright, I felt called out. I can do it. I'm using the Discipleship Journal Bible Reading Plan. Click on the link to check it out.

As far as poker goes, It is what it is. I'll just play within my bankroll and if it goes well, it goes well. I'm sure that I will play in a few live tournaments this year up at the casinos if time and money allows it. I love to play but I don't want it to be the "be-all", "end-all" of my existence. There's way more to life, ya know?

The ones that go without saying of course are be a better husband, father, grandfather, brother, uncle, friend, co-worker and Christ follower. I think if I can do the last one the others should fall into place, dontcha think?

I'm also thinking as a secondary goal trying to drag my ass back into the studio and record some of my songs. I was talking to Ronnie about this and he sounds down with it so maybe there will be some new 66ohm music released this year. That would be fun and something that I think for me needs to be completed.

OK, I'm sure that's more than enough to swallow for a whole year! Let's see how it goes, and I hope I can remember that Easy Does It!

Ghosts of Christmas Past

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 16:54:00 +0000

Hi everyone. Hope you are having a wonderful Christmas! Today we get to celebrate our Savior being brought into this world with his wonderful gift of redemption and grace. I am deeply grateful for this. It's amazing how God can turn lives around. Like mine, for instance.

I'm going to take a step back today. Most of you that read this diary now don't know me from before I found Jesus. You don't know me from when I was a using drug addict, not a recovering one. Today's going to be a little illustration of the power that God has to change lives around and give all of us second chances, even the most undeserving. Fortunately, Christ doesn't see any of us as undeserving.

I kept a blog when I was using. It's not pretty. Many times in the last couple of years I've thought of deleting it. Letting go of the past to move on to my future. I can't do it though. It's such a great reminder of where I came from and the kind of person that I was that I think it's an absolutely great testimony to the power of God to transform lives. A gritty, somewhat vulgar, testimony to be sure.

Without further ado, Here's my week of Christmas from 2004. It's not easy for me to read, I hope it's not too hard for you to look at. This WAS me, circa end of my active addiction.

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

THIS IS RATED NC-17. BAD LANGUAGE, SEXUAL SITUATIONS, DRUG USE, AND GENERAL HORRIBLENESS FOLLOW THIS WARNING. IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED DON'T READ ANY FURTHER. THANK YOU.

2004-12-18

Obligations

What am I doing? I feel pretty out of touch with the real world. It's not a terrible place for me to be at this time of year. Numb. I have succeeded in numbing myself for the holidays. All relationships seem fragile. Unimportant. That's good for me because I'm trying to insulate myself from caring. I am doing the minimum required to get by. I need a connection that I don't feel obligated to fuck when I score from her. I don't mind fucking her neccesarily, I don't like feeling obligated.

2004-12-21

Have a holly, jolly christmas

Hi diary. How I wish that it was not this time of year. When I could look forward to putting some lighthearted entry that makes everyone go "Oh, that bub!" However, I'm not lighthearted at present. I hung out with My Man James last night. That's about the best that I have felt in the last 2 weeks. The closest to "normal" that my life has felt. Christmas music playing. James dancing while I was holding him and singing to him. A beautiful christmas tree. Alabama sitting in the comfie chair watching us, smiling. Some wierd, surrealistic scene. Something along the lines of "Carrie" when the girl goes to visit Carrie's grave and the hand reaches up from the grave to pull her in. Nothing that dramatic happened, of course. The problem is when? When is it going to happen? When is she going to feel the time is right to fuck it all up again? I just tried to stay in the moment, singing to James about chesnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose. It was a good night. I can't get over that feeling of impending doom. I'm hanging in there. I really am. Five more days until the day after christmas. I can do it. I really can. I'm just staying in the present, no matter how much I dread the next couple of days or retreat back into the horrors of christmas past. God, I just think it's awful that I feel like this about what is supposed to be a wonderful holiday.

2004-12-22

Bub the red nosed addict.

Time for me to clean up for a couple of days. Have to go to Shelly's house on friday and they will know if I am all strung out. Should be a lot of sleep for me the next 72 hours. I need a good connection that I don't have to fuck in order to score. Actually, I don't have to fuck her. I just have to act like I want to fuck her. I would much rather just get it from her without all that fuss. I have been avoiding her the last week. I told Alabama about her. Alabama and me? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

2004-12-23

Cold Turkey

God, I hate feeling like this. It's been almost 2 days since I've did anything. I can barely keep my eyes open. I had a marvelous chat with a wonderful woman last night. Probably the highlight of the day. I'm thinking I should feel about 70% tomorrow. I'm only running at maybe 40% today. Yeah, it's that bad. It feels like my body is having like intermittent power outages. Like someone is turning the switch on and off. I could probably use a drink. Maybe I will break into the hard liquor to knock myself out. I should sleep like a rock tonight. I hope.

2004-12-24

Merry Christmas everyone

Christmas eve! getting ready to go shopping for the family. Kassie and Beckah aren't coming down. Got a note from their mom this morning. I saw groovebunny's christmas song post, so I decided to post my own. It's a song I wrote some 13 years ago. It's not a happy song so be warned. I hope everyone has a wonderful christmas! Please stay safe. I'm outta here until sunday morning I think. I'll stay safe too, ok? P.S. Sorry the playing is so horrid, first time I have picked up the guitar this month and a long time since I have played that particular song

Rachel

Rachel sits by the christmas tree
Wondering where her daddy's gone
Seems he's never around no more
Seems he's been gone too long

Chorus:

She don't know what's going on
Daddy don't live there anymore
She's too young to understand
He don't live there anymore

Rachel goes to the park to play
She climbs up on the swing
Ain't no one to push her
Least not the way daddy did

Chorus

Rachel goes to sleep at night
Her prayers go unanswered
Mom gives her a hug and a kiss
She don't know what to say

Chorus

And this was one of the good Christmases! Thank you God that I don't have to live like that anymore.

Tuesday Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 22:11:00 +0000

Welcome to Tuesday Thoughts, which we shall be used in lieu of Wednesday Words for this week. Wow, what a week it was! I guess we should start with last Wednesday.

Wednesday was D-day, as in demolish my mouth day. I woke up a little late, Letty and I had a great breakfast at the Omelet Factory in La Mesa and then headed down to TJ on a rain soaked freeway. Anyone that was in San Diego that day can tell you how miserable the roads were. Now imagine throwing that same amount of water on roads where there is NO real traffic laws that are followed and also no real means of drainage of said water. TJ nightmare. The city was flooding. We had a real problem. We couldn't drive our car into Libertad (barrio where the dentist's office is located) because the water was getting too high. Our appointment was in 15 minutes. What to do?

I think Letty and I would do well at that one TV show The Great Race. At least if they edited out all of my yelling and general panicking while my wife calmly handled the situation. I had the idea to get a taxi. Then I realized we had no money. Actually, I had a $10 bill but no one had American change in the spot we were at. Besides, we weren't even sure how much a taxi cost.

We walked into a supermarket over at the Pueblo Amigo shopping Center. We find the ATM machine and are confused when it tells us it only gives out money in increments of $50. I sigh and tell Letty oh well, we need the money so I withdraw $50. Ummm, wrong. That's 50 alright. 50 pesos. Doh! When I looked at the transaction amount later that was about $3.70 with finance charges and everything. It did the trick though as we soon were standing outside waiting for our 30 peso cab to Libertad.

Our cab driver didn't have quite the same fear for his vehicle and natural flooding disasters as we did. We hopped into the cab and it was like Mr. Toad's wild ride through the flooded streets of Tijuana. Actually it was a lot of fun although I'm sure at some point it was pretty dangerous. I actually forgot for a second that I was getting all my teeth pulled out of my head in about ten minutes and just felt the freedom of being in the present as we slid from puddle to puddle. Actually more like stream to stream.

We made it to the office and walked inside. Dr. Rita was there right behind us. She was ready to go to work. I got in the chair. she dropped the chair back and it was time to get her tooth pulling on.

I'm not quite sure what was going through my mind as my teeth were being individually pulled out of my head. I will say that it wasn't a painful experience. Dr. Rita numbed up my mouth but good and the only thing I could feel was the pressure. I only had one tooth that wouldn't numb up because of how infected it was. That one was a little painful coming out.

It's crazy how much blood comes out when a tooth is pulled. Now, take that and times it by sixteen. My head was like a sieve. Lots of blood coming from lots of holes. The longest part of the whole procedure was trying to stop the bleeding enough so that she could pull the next tooth. Finally, the last tooth was pulled (a half buried wisdom tooth) and Dr. Rita leaned back to grab my NEW teeth.

It wasn't a very ceremonious occasion. Pop and they were in. Mind you, there was nothing covering the holes in my head. Except the dentures. She said to use them to apply pressure to my wounds. Alright, I can do that. Unfortunately it didn't work too well. After about 10 minutes the blood started seeping through the teeth. Of course, at this point we are in the back of a cab heading towards Pueblo Amigo.

My head was totally numb so I couldn't feel the blood and spittle coming down my chin until Letty pointed it out to me. I tried to wipe away as much as I could but it wasn't pretty. Finally we arrived at our car and headed back to the border.

The one great thing about the rain as that there was hardly any line heading back to San Diego. I finally had to take the lower denture out because there was so much blood in my mouth that it wouldn't sit right. Letty had been smart enough to purchase some gauze at the farmacia while she waited for me. It took about 8 large gauze but finally I was able to soak up all the blood and get it somewhat under control. When we got to border inspection the agent took one look at me and we were on our way. Viva las Estados Unidos!

It's 6 days since that wonderful day. The teeth look great! My head is finally starting to heal up. I'm getting used to having them in my mouth. It somewhat reminds me of having braces or maybe closer having a retainer. I'm able to eat a little more each day. I am having a problem with my bottom denture, it seems that it's a little loose. I'll have to wait until January to get it fixed. It's not that big a deal unless I try to eat something with it on. I've pretty much started taking it out when I want to eat something substantial, at least when I'm at home.

Maybe this is going to have to be a two part post as that little story took a lot out of me. If I don't get back on to finish, I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and thank you all so much for praying for me. I don't think I could have gotten through all of this if I didn't believe that He was there with me, watching over and protecting me. Thanks again.

Let's try it again!

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 16:42:00 +0000

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This PokerStars tournament is a No Limit Texas Hold’em event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 822916

Wednesday words, can you believe it!

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 13:37:00 +0000

Here's a quick update to what's happening in my world. Ya ready? Here we goooooo. Still working the two jobs. It's going alright although I had a horrible week at the day job last week. That last sentence was weak. To add on to all of that I've been having to go to TJ (tijuana for the non san diegans) for dental appointments. Saturday our border wait coming back was 3 hours. Sigh. Only two more and I'm all done. I hope.

Saturday they are going to pull all of my teeth and give me my dentures. I might be down for a couple of days. I'm just a little frightened of that whole process. I'm just giving it to God because I know that he has a plan for me. It would suck to bleed to death in a TJ dental office, you know what I mean? Hopefully, God knows what I mean. Oh bub of little faith!

I'm not sure what's going on for christmas. I've been working so much that I haven't had much time to try and figure out things for the kids. The logistics of my life with 5 kids with 4 different mommas is crazy at this time of the year. I'm sure that it will all get worked out.

One thing I'm totally stoked about is that we get to go to Journey for Christmas eve. Usually we haven't been able to attend because of work and heading to my sister's house for her party. Everything fell into place this year with the times so we are really happy. Now I have to figure out who to invite.

OK, that's it from me over here, a quick update on my fantastic life. I'm not being sarcastic either. I'm so blessed by my Lord to have all of the opportunities that I do have in my life that I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Although I still do. OK, off to the shower and work, yay!!!!

I hope I didn't screw up...

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 22:43:00 +0000

My entry into the big blogger tournament in a week and a half. Let's see if this works.

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This PokerStars tournament is a No Limit Texas Hold’em event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 822916

Turkey Day

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 11:24:00 +0000

It's about 3:30 in the morning as I'm typing this. I have the in laws in my room, Faith is at her daddy's and Letty and I were sleeping in Faith's room. Looking forward to having Letty's family over for the holiday. They are really great people who are fun to be around even if I don't understand half of what is said when everyone starts speaking Spanish.

I've been crazy busy with work the last couple of weeks, I really needed a twenty four break. I was so tired yesterday afternoon I could barely move. It's been nice for us to have the extra money, we could use it. I'm grateful to not be sweating the bills, especially around this time of the year.

I haven't had much time for poker at all. A sit n go here and there and that's been about it. I'm getting ready to play an MTT in about 10 minutes. The bankroll on pokerstars has been hanging around the mid $30's. I'd love to final table a larger tournament and build it up a little further so I can move up in stakes. It's been hard to stay disciplined and play within my bankroll. I've been doing it though.

Here's hoping everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving. I'm grateful for all the wonderful friends that I have made this year. I'm grateful that my walk with God has gotten stronger and more defined. I'm grateful that God has shown me how He takes care of me, even when I feel I am at my most helpless and vulnerable. I'm grateful that all of my relationships have become stronger because I have the confidence that Someone has got my back. I'm grateful that I can just do what's in front of me and leave the results up to Him. I'm grateful to not have to be in control anymore, that I surrender everything to Him.

Thank You Jesus for making Your presence felt stronger in my life than ever before. Thank You for delivering me from my brokenness by Your grace. Thank You for seeing through all of my flaws and loving me in spite of them. Let me remain awed by Your presence so that I remain grateful for all of the beautiful things that You have given and are giving me. Through You my Lord, who all great things are given. Amen.

Shoe fly, shoe!

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 18:36:00 +0000

I bought some shoes for someone who needs them. It reminds me of that Steve Miller song. It only cost me $5 and it got someone two pairs of shoes. Or maybe two people one pair of shoes. You could do it to. Help people. Here's how. Click on the banner below.

You'll feel better. So will someones feet. God bless.

Playing my guitar

noreply@blogger.com (bub) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 23:02:00 +0000

It feels good to be playing my guitar. I probably should be sleeping. I did nap for about 4 hours earlier so I can probably get away with it. I have this new song that I'm working on that's coming together nicely. It's based on this verse of the bible.

The centurion replied, "Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. - Matthew 8:8.

It's something that we said ad infinitum in Catholic Mass back when I was a kiddo. It starts of slowly and softly....

D/f#

Lord I'm not worthy

To receive you

D/f#

But only say the word, Lord

And I shall be healed

I get down on my knees

A
I'm giving everything

I'm crying at your feet

G D/F#

So cleanse me

It sounds pretty cool to me. I recorded it a couple of weeks ago but I haven't found a way to change it from being a one kind of a file to another kind of file. Grrrr.

My anniversary is today but my love is away at work. I bought her some candy and got her a card after I got off of work this morning. Not just any candy, mind you. Good n Plenty and bubu lubu. Her FAVORITES. Because that's what a man does on his anniversary. He tries to remember what the heck his woman likes and provides her with it. Thank God she's a simple woman. If she loved diamonds and caviar I might be in a little trouble.

In my family I've always been the best card picker. Probably because of having the heart of an artist or whatever they call it these days. Here's the card that I got her, not my words, the card's words but definitely my sentiments.

For My Wife

There are so many things

I love about you.

I love the way your face lights up

When you laugh.

I love knowing that

I can still make you smile.

I love the way you bring out the best in me

And won't let me settle for anything less.

I love the gentle ways you have

Of smoothing out a long day's rough edges.

I love the feeling of contentment

that comes from beginning and ending

each day with you.

Everything you do...

Everything you are....

Everything we have together.

That's what I love...now and always.

Happy Anniversary

Isn't that a great card? Like I said, I can pick 'em.

I can pick wives pretty well also. I love you baby, happy anniversary, hugs and kisses!!!!!!