Stop the Hurt

She's Back.

2016-04-14T16:30:00.001-04:00

As you can see from the title of this post, I'm back! Not that I really went anywhere, but it's been over two years since I posted here last (WOW) and I believe now would be an appropriate time to resurface considering some current events in my life.

To sum up since you've last heard from me: after graduating from the University of Rhode Island, I interned as a Prevention and Communications Intern. It was an absolutely incredible experience. I loved everyone I worked with and learned SO much. I am forever grateful to those women and that organization for providing me with the opportunity to launch my career there. I left my job there due to the fact I was moving! I moved to Florida where I worked for another amazing non-profit organization, where I was the Coordinator of Volunteer Programs. I conducted leadership and volunteerism programs with middle and high school aged youth and loved every minute of it. However, my heart has always been set on dating abuse and sexual assault prevention education and ladies and gentlemen, I've made it. I have very recently accepted the role of a Prevention Educator at a non-profit and could not be more thrilled. Accepting this role has henceforth brought me back to my beloved blog that I started back in 2011.

So there you have it. Now, enough about me. I am going to do my very very best to post here more regularly with interesting articles and news about dating violence and sexual assault.

I am feeling the fire more than ever and I can't wait to get back into my blogging!

Happy almost Friday, everyone! And happy Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month :)

Do your part and stop the hurt.

NO MORE!

2016-04-14T16:01:00.000-04:00

Last week concluded NO MORE Week, honoring the launch of last year's first NO MORE Day. I recently started an internship at the Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence and absolutely love it. One of our ongoing projects is bystander intervention through the NO MORE PSA: click here for more details. In honor of NO MORE Week and this project, I wanted to dedicate an entire post to why I, and thousands of others, say no more.

So, what's the point of this campaign? It's time we talk about why domestic violence and sexual assault still exist so commonly in all of our lives to people we know and love. It's time we face this problem with both eyes open. It's time we make this problem everyone's problem. Domestic violence and sexual assault aren't some mythical demons; they are real issues that hurt, and sometimes kill, people we love.

NO MORE silence.
NO MORE that doesn't happen here.
NO MORE she's too smart to let that happen to her.
NO MORE she was drunk so it was her fault.
NO MORE why doesn't she just leave?

NO MORE he said he was sorry.

NO MORE she was asking for it.

NO MORE it's just a woman's problem.

NO MORE we'll talk about it later.

NO MORE it doesn't affect me.

NO MORE it was her fault.

NO MORE it's none of my business.

NO MORE she was flirting with him.

NO MORE he didn't mean it.

NO MORE boys will be boys.

NO MORE she should have been more careful.

NO MORE but she doesn't have any bruises.

NO MORE why didn't she report it?

NO MORE she should have fought him off.

NO MORE she was wearing a short skirt.

NO MORE he's going to change.

NO MORE it doesn't happen to boys or men.

NO MORE it was just the alcohol/drugs.

NO MORE she should have known better.

NO MORE there's nothing I can do about it.

NO MORE someone else will help.

NO MORE denial.

NO MORE ignoring it.

NO MORE excuses.

For the purposes of consistency, these statements are referring to mostly women as the victims. Please note, however, that I am not ignoring the fact that both men and women are victims of both domestic violence and sexual assault. Male victims and survivors deserve acknowledgement just as much! Like I said, this is EVERYONE'S issue.

Why do YOU say no more?

Do your part and stop the hurt.

Healthy Healthy Healthy!

2016-04-14T15:59:00.000-04:00

I think it's just as important, if not more, to talk about what a HEALTHY relationship looks like instead of only talking about what an UNHEALTHY relationship looks like. So today, I'm going to compare the two. I'll give you somewhat of an idea of characteristics of both unhealthy and healthy relationships, and then I will give you questions (and answers to them) about each.

So first, I will go over the basis of any relationship. A relationship starts with initial attraction to either the personality, physical appearance, or both. Two people who are interested in each other agree to date. We know that abusive relationships don't start out abusive; there is what's called the "honeymoon phase". This phase exists in most relationships, healthy and unhealthy.

I watched an interesting video from loveisrespect.org that showed there are actually 3 types of relationships: healthy, unhealthy, and abusive. I agree with this idea because many times relationships may not be abusive but they are not healthy either. A good example of this is a relationship where one partner is a drug user and possibly is involved in dangerous situations or brings harm to themselves with no intention to bring harm to their partner. This may not be a healthy situation for the partner who does not do drugs, but it doesn't make the relationship abusive because there is no intent for abuse. Abusive relationships are about power and control; they are calculated, manipulated, and committed by choice by the abuser.

So, what does a healthy relationship look like? A healthy relationship is built off of mutual trust, respect, and equality. The key word is mutual! Both partners have the right to feel safe to express themselves and be who they are (as long as this does not include putting down their partner or disrespecting them). In a healthy relationship, both partners can pursue their dreams and support each other even if they disagree.

Is it okay to argue in a relationship?

Answer: yes. Arguments are natural and often inevitable; however, it is HOW you argue and how you resolve your arguments that distinguish healthy and abusive arguments. It is okay to disagree with your partner and you should always feel the right to respectfully disagree.

Is it okay to call each other names and insult each other?

Answer: no. This is not a healthy way to resolve arguments. There is no benefit to putting down your partner, and you should never feel like you are less than. You are equals and should be treated as such.

Another aspect of healthy relationships is boundaries. Every relationship has its own boundaries and are different for many individuals. However, each individual should be free to expect to be able to set their own boundaries for themselves. For example, if one partner enjoys 2 nights a week with their friends without their partner, they should be free to do so without facing consequences from their partner. Another example of this is the right to their sexual choices in their relationships. So, a partner reserves the right to say "no" at any time, even if they had performed the sexual act previously. Each partner should never feel obligated to perform a sexual act, and should respect each other's decisions.

How many texts/calls in a row is too many?

Answer: this depends on the person but you should communicate to your partner what feels overbearing to you. Overbearing can turn controlling and possessive very quickly. It also depends on the context of these texts/calls; if the texts or calls are just casual and sweet messages updating you on their day or letting you know they are thinking of you, this can be okay (again, it is whatever you feel is right for you). However, if the partner is demanding to know where you are and who you're with and what you're wearing, this is controlling and abusive.

These are just a few examples of healthy and abusive traits in relationships. Here is the link to the video I was speaking of: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4H30jEHLfLQ

Please join the Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence today at 4pm on Twitter for a tweet chat on healthy relationships and dating violence. Use the hashtag #KnowWhatLoveIs and tag @NOMORERI with your questions or comments! You can also tag @Stop_TheHurt if you want to include this blog or a post from here!

Do your part and stop the hurt.

Data Jam on Sexual Assault

2014-05-02T11:01:00.003-04:00

Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month has flown by! I am really excited to share that I was invited to join an incredible data jam on protecting students from sexual assault at the White House on April 11th. I was able to join other professionals from around the country to discuss the prevalence of sexual assault on college campuses and together finding solutions. Our goals were to combine our knowledge of sexual assault and our technological resources to develop tools to ultimately reduce and eliminate sexual assault on college campuses.

First let me just say how honored I was to be invited to such an event. I was surrounded by a variety of talented professionals, including survivors and other students who all shared an eagerness and passion to make a contribution to ending sexual violence. It was really empowering to be a part of such an important movement that our country is finally putting in the spotlight.

1 in 5 women is sexually assaulted during her time in college.

This number, in my opinion, is actually lower than the real facts. I am about to graduate college and I have seen enough around me in my four years as an advocate and as a student to know the harsh realities of sexual assault. We are taught to stay silent. We are taught that it is the victim's fault. We are taught that it was our clothes that justified an assault. We are taught that there is no one who will really help us.

At the data jam, we discussed the issues that colleges are facing now to address sexual violence appropriately. Title IX came up in conversation when a survivor spoke about her experience with her Title IX coordinator and showed us the extremely complicated map of the process she had to go through to file a complaint and receive the assistance she needed. It is absurd to see what students have to go through after already being victimized by their assailant and to then be victimized by their own institutions.

But that was just ONE of the many issues discussed concerning sexual assault on college campuses. From my perspective as someone involved in prevention work, legislation is one wonderful step towards ending sexual violence, but changing our culture is the biggest and hardest step. Ultimately, we need to change the rape culture that allows such crimes to persist and encourages all to stay silent.

The White House Task Force To Protect Students From Sexual Assault (quite a mouthful, huh?) was formed in January of this year to address these issues that students face at their institutions regarding the justice and efforts they deserve. The task force then created a website called Not Alone where students and schools can find all sorts of resources on the subject.

The teams we developed at the data jam are working on some really amazing ideas and projects, so stay tuned for updates in the next few months!

For more information, check out Stop the Hurt's Facebook page with videos and articles!

Do your part and stop the hurt.

It's Time To Talk Day 2014

2014-02-05T14:48:00.003-05:00

Happy February everyone! As you all know, February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month! I was fortunate enough to attend Break the Cycle & Love Is Not Abuse's annual It's Time To Talk Day event again this year in NYC. So I want to dedicate this post to ITTTD.

This year's focus was on parents having conversations with their teens about healthy and unhealthy relationships. I'm not a parent yet, but I can definitely relate to the difficulty of talking about relationships between parents and teens. Break the Cycle has tools and resources online for tips on how to look out for warning signs and how to start a conversation about dating abuse. Visit http://www.teendvmonth.org/ for the toolkit and much more.

What I gathered from advice on how to start conversations from adults and parents themselves at ITTTD is:

engage in some activities that they are involved in to help relate to them, and let them relate to you relating to them
watch television programs with them that they enjoy and ask about the relationships between characters & if they think they are healthy or unhealthy
ask them who their favorite celebrities are & then ask them what they like about them (their personality, how they treat others, etc.)
ask them which relationships they see in their own lives that are healthy or unhealthy (like mom & dad's, grandma and grandpa's, their friends' parents, their friends)
try not to make it a lecture all the time; try to just listen to what they have to say and they will be more open to talking to you

These are just a few tips, but hopefully they are helpful! For more detail and more advice, go to Break the Cycle and/or loveisrespect.

It's hard when you're the type of person who generally does not seek out help for anything, but it is especially crucial to receive help from your parents at a time when you feel so helpless. When I was a teenager I thought I knew everything and could handle any situation on my own. In some ways I still do, but that's besides the point. So even though I was miserable, I would never ask for help. I love my parents and we have a very open relationship, but we never had a conversation about what an unhealthy relationship looks like.

I truly believe education is key in prevention, however, I do also believe that intervention is equally important. It is no one's fault if they end up in an abusive relationship, and education can help victims notice warning signs on their own. However, intervention from family or friends may just be that extra help the victim needs to actually leave the relationship.

So, parents, your child is just as much at risk than any other child of ending up in an abusive relationship (I'm sorry to scare you, but we have to stop pretending it doesn't happen to people we know and love), but there are SO many preventative steps you can take to help them either notice the warning signs before they enter the relationship, or help them walk away. So take those steps that can save your child or your child's friend's life. A ten minute conversation could make the difference. Don't make excuses; have the conversation.

Do your part and stop the hurt.

SPEAK UP!

2013-12-03T13:03:00.002-05:00

I have a problem with the language we use in society pertaining to violence against women, and I'm going to do what everyone should do about it: SPEAK UP.

For some, this may look like an angry feminist complaint with an 'oh-shut-up-already' attitude mulling in your head. If you're thinking that while you're reading this, then I insist that you of all people read further. This is not a lecture for individuals, this is a lecture for society. So in essence I'm also lecturing myself.

So why the rant? Because enough is enough. I'm sick and tired of hearing rape jokes, wife-beater jokes, anti-feminist jokes, a-woman-belongs-in-the-kitchen jokes, and hateful jokes. Trust me, I DO have a great sense of humor and (ask anyone who knows me) I laugh all the time. I laugh at well-constructed jokes and animals doing silly things. I laugh at Vine video compilations and funny movies like Anchorman. But I REFUSE to laugh at jokes that belittle, demean, and otherwise dehumanize women. I would hope that we all know by now that women are capable enough to do a lot more than make a sandwich for their husband. It is time we say ENOUGH. NO MORE.

I could easily say, as a feminist, that this is a man's problem and men are responsible for these jokes and they say them because they feel intimidated by the growing success of women today. But I'd be wrong. This is not just a man's problem. This is my problem, and your problem.

This is everyone's problem.

None of us are immune to it and it's time we speak up instead of staying silent out of politeness. It is unfortunate enough that educated adults use language that perpetuates violence against women (sometimes without even realizing they are doing so), but now it's in the language of our youth.

"frape" = Facebook raped (as in, someone went on someone else's profile without them knowing and wrote things on their profile)
#rapeface = a tag that CHILDREN were using to describe someone's face as creepy or "rape-y"

These are just a couple specific terms, but I hear rape jokes, domestic violence jokes, and 50's women jokes all the time. These jokes and terms are not acceptable. They are not appropriate. They are not funny. They are despicable. And I'm saying something about it.

If you are someone who's read my blog before, you've seen my "What's So Funny?" post from months ago. I wrote about a rape joke I overheard and scolded the strangers as I drove away. That's one example of speaking up, but it's not enough. I know that most people (especially the ones reading this post) do not want violence against women to continue. I'm sure that some of you reading this actually do a lot to speak up already and work to end this violence. So it is our job to educate those making these jokes and using these terms. That does not require yelling or scolding, but rather simple education. This is especially important when it comes to youth. In one of the articles I read about #rapeface, the mother writing the article was appalled that her 12 year old son would use such a term when he lives in such a strong feminist household. He told her he didn't mean anything by it. This may be entirely true, which is exactly why education is so important here. We cannot let this language become so normal and innocent that children do not even understand the gravity of their meanings. I'm not suggesting we give children explicit details about rape or domestic violence, but there needs to be some understanding that these are serious issues that should not be joked about. The same goes for educating the adults who use similar language. Some people will not care if you try to tell them why a rape joke isn't funny. Some people will roll their eyes and tell you to get a sense of humor. But some people will listen...

Part of the reason this violence still persists is because of the type of culture it thrives in. If we live in a culture that encourages language so nonchalant about violence against women that it becomes engrained and normalized, we are then supporting a culture that encourages violence. So enough is enough.

Do your part and stop the hurt.

Big Cases

2013-09-25T09:40:00.003-04:00

Hi everyone! It has been QUITE a while since I blogged, and I miss it! I am currently studying in Australia until November, so I have been busy as ever and loving it! Considering the recent death of Ariel Castro, I've been thinking a lot about the cases that have been in the news lately, and most importantly the reactions from people around the country. I think it's time I devote a post to some really big cases in the media and how the public views them. I'm going to break this post up into a few different ones because there are a lot of issues I want to cover. So at the end, you'll see a "to be continued..." for that reason!

So, the first few recent cases that come to mind are: Jerry Sandusky, Chris Brown, Jodi Arias, Trent Mays and Ma'lik Richmond, and the most recent and appalling Ariel Castro. All of these cases are very different, but each have powerful and horrifying stories. In each case, we see the way the public responds to both the victims and perpetrators through social media. I must admit I have a love/hate relationship with social media, and at times I wish we could just turn it all off for a while. After seeing what some people say in response to these sensitive cases, I feel the most hate for social media. But it is not the media's fault; we are growing into a society where voicing our opinions on the internet and social networking sites is second-nature (almost first) and this can be both beneficial and hindering depending on the matter.

The problems with social media pertaining to big cases including celebrities or teens that are very "relatable" is that they can cause ignorant, defensive, or insensitive comments in response. This can be due to the fact that people have no one censoring their comments, and feel there is no consequence for their words.In the case of Chris Brown abusing Rihanna, there were many comments about both how Rihanna was to blame. The reactions to this case, and every case, will depend on the audience. The younger audience seemed to either make jokes, or defend Chris Brown. There were a few fans of Chris Brown's that had said (paraphrasing) 'I would let him hit me any day because he is so hot.' The older audience seemed to be concerned with Rihanna's fans; since Rihanna has gotten back together with Chris Brown since the incident, mothers were concerned with how Rihanna's choices affected their own teens, and that since Rihanna is a celebrity, she should be more conscious of how her decisions (to go back to him) affected her younger fans who looked up to her. I can see where the parents were coming from because teens and adolescents do look up to celebrities and usually reflect and model after the behaviors they see. However, the problem with this attitude is victim-blaming.

People who are not well-educated in dating abuse, or who have not experienced it themselves, may have a harder time understanding why victims go back to their abusers. I can completely understand why it would be frustrating for someone to see a victim go back to someone who is hurting them, and even people who are educated or who have been through it themselves still get frustrated with it. However, we live in a harshly victim-blaming society, and it is our job to counteract it. Instead of asking why Rihanna is going back to Chris Brown, we should be asking why Chris Brown is hurting someone who he is supposed to care about. We focus so much negative attention on the victim that we lose focus on the real problems. I'm not saying it is our job to hate Chris Brown or focus all of our negative attention on him, but we need to refocus our attention on the issue of violence against women and why it persists. One of those reasons is victim-blaming.

Another case that involved victim-blaming was the recent Ohio case with the two boys from Steubenville who digitally raped a 16-year-old girl. Again, the responses to this case varied in different age groups. Among some very encouraging and supportive responses, there were some sadly ignorant ones. There were a few aspects of this particular case I want to discuss: the victim was 16 and intoxicated at the time of the assault, and the perpetrators were "promising athletes". Most of the negative or victim-blaming comments I saw were about how the victim was drinking when the assault occurred. A large portion of sexual assaults involve alcohol, but this is not to say that alcohol causes any assault. Alcohol creates vulnerability for the victim, and/or control for the assailant. As we should all drink responsibly, we are human and make mistakes like occasionally drinking a bit too much than we can handle, or drinking underage. So we can hold the young girl accountable for drinking underage, but we cannot hold her accountable for being assaulted while under the influence. Drinking is not the issue here; the assault (including taking photos of it) is the problem. We have to stop blaming the victim for the assault, plain and simply; the only reason rape or sexual assault occurs is because the rapist chose to make it happen. The second issue I had with this case was the focus on the perpetrators as "promising athletes"; the wording alone in the various article headings created an illusion of sympathy for the perpetrators instead of the victim. The issue in big cases in the media including celebrities is that it provides the public with a sense of legitimacy or respect which negates the crime. It also shifts the focus in the courts and in the media from sympathy for the victim to making the boys out to be victims of their own crime.

To be continued...

Make it Viral!

2013-05-06T13:38:00.003-04:00

Sexual Assault Awareness Month may be over, but our voices will continue to be heard! We have to make a conscious and loud effort to say NO MORE abuse.

As you may already know, Stop the Hurt has a facebook page (click here!). I am working hard to get as many 'like's as possible, but did not yet reach my goal of 300. Sometimes just the click of a button can make a difference.

Right now, at the Women's Center where I work on campus, we are interviewing new advocates for the fall. I won't be here because I'll be studying abroad in Australia but I want to get to know the new advocates since I will be back in the spring alongside our newest intern. In our interviews, most of the new advocates are excited to help by providing advocacy to victims. We give our speeches about how advocacy will always be supervised and they will never do it alone, but we also talk about how they may not give advocacy at all in a semester. It's possible that they just won't be around when a client comes in, and usually the bigger cases are taken over by our supervisor and more experienced peer advocates. I worked with just 3 clients this semester, but we saw over 30.

The reason I'm telling you this is because it doesn't take providing direct advocacy to make a difference. Most new advocates are ready to put on their superhero cape and save the world. But it's important and necessary that they all understand that everything they do as advocates is making a difference. This goes for anyone out there wanting to do something. Even just handing out a flyer, hosting a booth, spreading the word about our program, or 'liking' a page on Facebook is making a difference.

We can all be leaders in the change we wish to see happening.

We can all be a part of ending this abuse. Ever notice how all of the superheroes wear masks? You don't need to be flying around showing the world what you're doing. You can make a HUGE difference even from the comfort of your home.

So, be inspired. Do something. Like a page (mine, for instance!), make a flyer, post a status, share facts, host a booth, watch a documentary, follow organizations like NO MORE and Love Is Not Abuse and Break the Cycle Everything you do can and will make a difference.

Do your part and stop the hurt.

Sexual Assault Basics for SAAM!

2013-04-08T13:31:00.000-04:00

Now that Stop the Hurt is expanding to sexual assault/rape as well as dating abuse, I feel the need to go back to the basics for anyone who is not trained or educated in this subject. Also, April is SAAM (Sexual Assault Awareness Month)!

Typically, the difference between sexual assault and rape has to do with touching or penetration, respectively. Sexual assault can be defined as any sexual act that is used to threaten, coerce, or force a person to engage in an act against their will or without consent. Consent is absolutely necessary in order to have sex, or engage in any sexual activity.

So, what is consent? (Green light = Go!)

Consent is a willing and sober agreement to participate in specific sexual acts.
No means no, but it also means not acting until there is a willing yes.
The yes given must be out of excitement and THEIR choice, not submission, obligation, coercion, or manipulation.
If you are unsure, clearly communicate with the person.
Clearly express your comfort level and how far you will go at each escalation.

What is NOT consent? (Red Light = Stop!)

Consent is NOT silence, or submission.
Consent can be withdrawn at ANY TIME.
You cannot give consent legally if you are drunk or intoxicated.
Consent is NOT assumed, even if you have done something with this person before.
Consent is NOT not fighting off or resisting; victims of rape have identified with the feeling of paralysis or immobility when the assault occurred.

An important fact about sexual assault or rape is that everyone experiences, and copes with it differently. For most of you reading this if you haven't experienced this, it is easy to say, "Well I'd push them off" or "I'd fight back". In fact, 70% of women who are raped physically struggle at first but are overpowered either physically or psychologically. Some ways this can happen is through denial, or what's called Frozen Fright, which is when the person freezes or tenses up and is unable to move due to the shock of what is happening, or to protect themselves. It is also important to think about the correlation between alcohol and sexual assaults. Over 90% of the time, alcohol is present in a sexual assault whether it is by the attacker or the victim.

The most important fact about sexual assault and rape is that it is not merely about sex; it is about power and control (much like an abusive relationship). 99% of the perpetrators of rape are men. However, most men are great men and do not commit sexual assault or rape, but the men that do are often serial rapists. In fact, only 8% of men commit rape. However, this 8% are 95% more likely to commit the act again.

87% of sexual assault victims knew their attacker!
So, it is not usually the stereotypical "rape van" we must be wary of. Rather, we must be wary of the people we go on dates with, our classmates, our coworkers, friends, etc.

1 in 4 women is sexually assaulted or raped in her lifetime.
This is a similar statistic to dating abuse, and it is far too large a number. Every 2 minutes, a woman is sexually assaulted. And despite these large numbers of assaults, less than half of the crimes of sexual violence are actually reported to the police. This is due to a number of reasons I will go over in another post.

Here are some more facts about sexual assault and rape: http://www.oneinfourusa.org/statistics.php and http://www.rainn.org/statistics

I hope this post informed you on the basics of sexual assault! Please remember April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month! Do your part and stop the hurt!

Cara Mackler

VAWA

2013-04-05T11:26:00.003-04:00

Although this is not new news anymore, I think it's important to talk about the new inclusive Violence Against Women Act. VAWA was originally enforced in 1994 as part of Title IV to protect victims of domestic violence, stalking, and sexual violence. This was an incredible progression for women's rights, but it failed to include members of the LGBT community. In 2012, VAWA was up for reauthorization and this resulted in a lot of political wars on what should and should not be included and funded. After much debate, it passed including rights for the LGBT community, Native Americans, and immigrants. VAWA has done wonders for victims of these crimes, and since it was enforced it has sparked a revolution of women's rights becoming human rights.

As a Gender Studies major, I find myself a humanist as well as a feminist because I find it necessary that everyone be treated equally. Violence should not occur in anyone's lives, and if we can provide advocacy and services to one group of people, we should provide it to all people. Without getting too political or analytical, I want to stress the importance of these human rights issues in our society as priorities.

I think our country took a great stride when they approved the inclusive VAWA that now protects the LGBT community as well as Native Americans and immigrants. I have said it before and I will say it again: it doesn't matter how different the experiences are or who is experiencing the abuse...abuse is abuse no matter what, and it hurts.

As well as providing services for victims of these crimes, VAWA has been able to fund programs in preventative efforts by engaging men and bystanders. Since I am going to pursue a career in prevention of these crimes I think this is fantastic. Ending the abuse (whether it is dating abuse or sexual assault or stalking) requires two independent but equally necessary parts:
1: We need to provide services and resources to victims of these crimes
2: We need to engage all members of the community in work to prevent these crimes

Obviously those are very broad expectations, but in essence these are the two primary focuses of ending abuse. In part 1, we are intervening when necessary to help those in need. In part 2, we educate the public about abuse as well as provide information to help prevent abuse. VAWA covers both of these parts by providing services for the victims as well as engaging bystanders and men in prevention efforts.

For those who are concerned with the money that funds VAWA...if we can decrease the number of victims of these crimes, our country would save billions of dollars. I'd hope that money would not be the most influential factor in wanting to stop violence against women, but it may help people better understand the impact domestic violence has on society (which means it includes all of us, not just those directly affected by the crimes!). Domestic violence alone costs the US over $5 BILLION in healthcare, medical costs, legal services, housing and shelters, and more. Healthcare and medical costs are the most detrimental, costing the US over $4.1 billion annually according to the CDC. So, it is worth funding VAWA if we can not only eliminate these heinous crimes but to save our country billions of dollars. Not so bad for a country in billions of dollars of debt.

If you would like to learn more about the costs of DV in the US, here is where I found my source of information: http://www.stopvaw.org/community_costs_of_domestic_violence

I hope you found this interesting as well as informative, and stay tuned for most posts about sexual assault since April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month! Please spread the word, and share Stop the Hurt's Facebook page!

Do your part and stop the hurt.

What's So Funny?

2013-03-20T13:48:00.002-04:00

Too often we hear sexist jokes, or jokes about wife-beating and abuse. Why do people laugh? What's so funny about someone getting abused or raped? Nothing.

We need to stand up and say that we will not accept this behavior anymore. We cannot stay silent when someone makes a joke about beating or raping someone. It is our responsibility to say something and stop this from being deemed socially acceptable. By doing or saying nothing in reaction, we are encouraging this sexism and adding to the problem.

A couple weeks ago I overheard a group of students talking and sharing jokes they made up. I heard one guy say, "What's black and blue and hates sex?" as a riddle. He then replied for the punch line: "a rape victim." The group laughed, both boys and girls. I was absolutely appalled. I shouted out "HEY! Did I just hear you say a joke about rape?" and, embarrassed, he shook his head and said no. His friends looked embarrassed, too. I said, "Well that's nothing to joke about. Being raped is not funny," and stopped myself from going on too long of a tangent. A girl in the group apologized looking awfully ashamed. The rest of the group stayed silent. I walked away that day fuming mad and baffled as to how someone could make up such an idiotic joke, and then have his friends actually laugh at it and think it was funny.

It is not okay that we laugh. It is not okay that we ignore it. Maybe after I walked away that day, they shrugged their shoulders and forgot about it. Or maybe they silently thought to themselves about the consequences of their words. Maybe next time they're tempted to say a joke about rape, or laugh at a joke about rape, they will pause and realize the impact of their behaviors. Just maybe. But maybe is a start. Maybe is a ripple in the long term wave.

By laughing or ignoring the issue, we are normalizing the rape culture we live in. What is "rape culture"? Rape culture is where people get their definitions, ideas, and opinions about rape. They get these from the media, laws, language, and imagery of rape. The rape culture is defined by the people who participate in it; through one's language and attitudes, jokes, TV or movies, etc. Rape is portrayed much differently than the true facts about it. Often people have the attitude that, "it's just the way it is" which normalizes it. Another similar saying is, "boys will be boys". These sayings and attitudes perpetuate the very violence and gender inequalities that exist in our society. We have to stop accepting that these are "norms" we must live with. They aren't, and shouldn't be. We can change these norms and this culture and stop the violence.

We can start small. Plant the seed. Start by saying we will not tolerate jokes. This may not end them, but it will put these jokes and the jokesters in the spotlight. By shining the light on the inappropriateness, insensitivity, sexist, and inhumane nature of these jokes, we are starting the wave. We can encourage bystanders and speak up and say "that's not cool". One person can turn into three. Three into a hundred. Ripples into waves. Be a ripple. Make a difference.

Do your part and stop the hurt.

Cara Mackler

Stop the Hurt Expanding!

2013-03-18T13:01:00.002-04:00

Hi everyone! Stop the Hurt has been 100% about dating abuse, but I want to expand. If you haven't yet heard of NO MORE, it is a new campaign symbol to raise awareness about dating abuse, sexual assault, and domestic violence. You can learn more about it from Love Is Not Abuse or loveisrespect.org. There is so much to talk about sexual violence, and today will just be an overview of all of the topics I plan to discuss.

Sexual assault and rape are very serious and prevalent issues in our society today. 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime, and 1 in 6 men will be sexually assaulted in his lifetime. Not only can it happen within abusive relationships, but it happens 87% of the time with someone the victim knows! This fact startles many because of what the media tells us. This is just one of the many topics about sexual assault that I will talk about. I will discuss where it happens, who it happens with, its relationship with alcohol, date rape, date rape drugs, victim-blaming, rape culture, effects of victims, the law and responses in law, sexual harassment, sexual assault within abusive relationships, and more.

My next post will define what sexual assault is and most likely go over some key statistics that may shock you! I will go over the basics of sexual assault and rape, and mainly what consent means. I will talk about how college students are responding to sexual assault on campus as well.

Please feel free to share any topics you would like me to discuss about sexual violence or dating abuse! Share here, or on the Facebook page.

As you can see, the posts here will be much shorter in length depending on the subject. Always feel free to leave comments! And please share this blog and the Facebook page with friends and family- you never know who will need it!

Do your part and stop the hurt.

2013-02-27T13:59:00.000-05:00

Long time no blog! Hello to all of my supporters and viewers, and welcome to the new ones. My blog has been quite dormant for a few months due to work on promoting Stop The Hurt's Facebook page. Despite any excuses, I am going to start up again! Awareness and education is key. I must do MY part to stop the hurt.

Teen Dating Abuse Awareness and Prevention Month is coming to an end. I find it imperative that I make a final note before the end of the month.

Teen dating abuse can happen to anyone and is often overlooked, especially if it isn't physical. But overlooking the abuse does not make it go away. I can tell you all about the warning signs and how to help a friend, but something that we've been really discussing in the Peer Advocate office is the bystander effect. I will write in length about this another time when I can do my full amount of research, but it is too important to ignore.

Too often we ignore signs or say it is not our job to get involved; it's "their" business. It is especially hard when someone we know is experiencing abuse. We want to say that they're too smart to get into an abusive relationship. We want to say that it would never happen to them. These are excuses we create based off of our "just world phenomenon". We want to believe that we can protect ourselves from abuse, when in reality it is not an individual problem- it is a societal problem. It is OUR problem. Make it your problem, and make it your job. You don't have to, and shouldn't expect to, save or rescue anyone. But this does not mean you can sit back and let others take the reins. Be a leader. Step in. Ask questions. Be a friend.

If you are a URI student or a Rhode Island resident, please come to see The Vagina Monologues this weekend! It is at Edwards Auditorium; doors open at 7:30pm and the show starts at 8:00pm. It is showing Thursday the 28th, Friday the 1st, and Saturday the 2nd. All of the proceeds go to the URI Violence Prevention & Advocacy Program! Thank you for your support and I hope to see you there!

DO YOUR PART AND STOP THE HURT.

Happy TDVAPM! :)

Applaud the Survivors

2012-10-26T13:54:00.000-04:00

One thing I find special about DVAPM is how many survivors come forward, proud and strong as ever. They come forward to be the voices for the victims that are silenced either temporarily or permanently. This is the most beautiful gift of awareness; being able to come together as a strong force of power and vigilance to end this hurt that happens to far too many people. So I want to take the time today to applaud those people who stand up and say 'no' to abuse. You are not alone. You are strong. You are the future. Thank you.

Knowing there are other survivors out there is the biggest sense of security. Knowing there are people out there who understand it on a level so deep and personal can make you feel like you're a part of something bigger. Of course I wish no one would have to go through any form of abuse. But, great things can come out of horrible things. And it is the greatest pleasure knowing that there are so many dedicated, loving, understanding, strong survivors out there supporting each other and taking a stand. It connects us all, whether we know each other or not. And it creates a community of caring people. I think our society needs a community of caring people, don't you?

So I want to take the time now to recognize all of those people. Whether they make themselves known or not, they are all doing their part to say "I will do anything I can to make sure this doesn't happen to someone else." That is so powerful and takes so much strength and selflessness. Every survivor has a unique story of their experience and should all be respected and heard. I truly commend the people out there who raise awareness in any way they can; whether it is by wearing purple, sharing a Facebook status, attending an event, or simply reaching out. Every effort counts. Every effort can lead you to someone who needs you. You can be that one person who helps a friend or family member when they feel as though they have no one. You may never understand that amazing difference it will make to reach out to that person.

Remember the statistics: 1 in 4 women is abused in her lifetime. 1 in 3 teens is abused.
Chances are you know someone who has been abused or knows someone else who has. Reach out. Be their voice.

As October comes to an end, please don't feel as though your days are numbered in making a difference. You can make a difference every day. Refer to my past posts for ideas of how to raise awareness. You can do your part and stop the hurt.

Domestic Violence Awareness and Prevention Month!

2012-10-03T13:35:00.003-04:00

Hey Strangers! I have been MIA on here for quite a while, and for that I apologize. I have been way too preoccupied and have put the social networking for Stop The Hurt on high priority instead of the blog itself. However, considering it is that time of month again, I must post!

It is October which means it is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS AND PREVENTION MONTH! This is our time to shine and really take a stand against domestic abuse! This is your chance to do your part and stop the hurt. There are plenty of opportunities for you to do so! For example, if you want to help and don't know how:

- volunteer at a local DV shelter
- donate $ to a local shelter (trust me, they all need it)
- donate old clothes/cell phones/canned goods
- post on your Facebook and Twitter that it is DVAPM to raise awareness
- post facts on your social networking sites about DV
- buy merchandise where the money goes to DV shelters/organizations

These are just a few ideas, but they are all worth a shot! If you are a student or faculty member here at URI, me and the peer advocates are doing so much fun stuff to raise awareness about domestic abuse. On Thursday the 4th, we will be hosting a booth in the union talking about domestic abuse and will be selling purple bracelets for $2. Spread the word! We will be having 3 booths in total this month!

Later on in the month, we will be hosting a Masquerade Ball fundraiser meant to symbolize how anyone can be a victim. We will provide masks and facts about domestic abuse. There will be a DJ and possibly food! The cover charge is TBA, but keep it in mind for Halloween! Costumes welcome (if appropriate!). This is my project so I'm really excited for it! I'll keep you all posted!

Another project I'm working on is the Purple Challenge which asks you to wear as much purple as you can every Wednesday of this month to raise awareness about domestic abuse! Below is a picture of me and some of the URI Peer Advocates wearing purple!

Now that it is DVAPM, I will be posting much more frequently so stay tuned! Send me your pictures of wearing purple, and I will post them here! Do your part and stop the hurt! :)

Why Do They Stay?

2012-06-21T12:20:00.003-04:00

One of the biggest questions posed toward victims of abuse is "Why do they stay?" It's a reasonable question for someone who has been fortunate enough not to be in that situation. Why do they stay? Why don't they just leave if they are being hurt again and again? I could list the hundreds of thousands of different reasons, but it still extremely hard to understand if you haven't been in that position. I have most likely written about this subject already, but this question is so prevalent that I find it relevant to address again.

Every victim of abuse has a unique experience regardless of how similar it may be to others. Therefore, every single victim has their own reasons why they don't, or can't, leave their abusive relationships. There are so many different angles to look at when trying to understand why someone would not leave their abusive relationship including their age, living situation, economic stance, family support, if they have children, danger of being abused worse or killed (very real fear!), low self esteem, they love their abuser, their abuser has threatened them, self blame of the abuse, and more. I'm going to give you a few scenarios since I received positive feedback on past ones.

*All names and stories are completely fictional and are not based on real people, but can be based on real life situations.

Scenario 1: Amy and Jake have been dating for 6 months. They are both in high school, but Jake is a senior and Amy is a sophomore. Jake makes Amy feel very special, but he is extremely possessive and jealous. He constantly controls her schedule and who she talks to and what she dresses. He's begun to shove her and has even slapped her a few times. But he is the soccer captain and a very good student. His parents are very popular in their town, and everyone loves their family, including Amy's parents who have become close friends with them. Jake has a very good reputation in their town, and everyone tells Amy how lucky she is to be dating him. Jake has a full-ride scholarship to a really great school. When Amy tries to tell her friends how controlling Jake is and that he hits her sometimes, they tell her she'd be crazy to leave him and they didn't believe someone so seemingly perfect could be abusive. Jake tells her he only does what he does because he loves her so much. Amy feels trapped. She knows this relationship isn't healthy, but if she leaves him...

- her friends will stop talking to her because they will think she is crazy

- her family will not understand because Jake seems so wonderful to them

- she's worried about the way it will make Jake look to the town

- if she calls the police about the abuse, he could lose his scholarship

- it will cause tension and problems with the relationship between her parents and Jake's parents

- Jake's parents will look bad in the town because of it

- Jake will tell all of his friends how crazy she is and that no one should date her

- she is scared that if she tries to break up with him, he will beat her worse

- no one will believe her, and she will be further isolated

Scenario 2: Harry and Liz have been married for 3 years and have a child together who is an infant. Harry works full time while Liz is a stay-at-home mom for their baby. Harry owns their property solely, and they have a joint bank account. Harry is extremely violent and physically abuses Liz often. Liz has tried getting a part-time job, but Harry doesn't let her. The beatings have gotten worse, and Liz has gone to a shelter a couple times already with her child. In fear of being killed, she has tried to make a safety plan to escape safely with her baby. However, Liz has no money since Harry controls their bank account and owns their property. Liz also knows if she tried to divorce him, he would get custody of their baby since she does not have a job and has nowhere else to live. Harry has threatened to hurt the baby if she tried to leave him. What would you do? If she tries to leave...

- her baby's life is put in danger

- her own life is put in danger

- she will have nowhere to live

- she will have no money

- Harry will harass her and not leave her alone

- she may lose custody of her child

- divorce is against her religion, and her family may not support it

Scenario 3: Matt and Dan have been dating for 2 years, but Matt has not come out openly to his family yet. Only Matt's friends know he is gay, and he is not ready to tell his parents or brother yet. Dan is very emotionally abusive and constantly insults Matt and puts him down. Dan does not let Matt go out with friends or spend time with his family unless he gives him permission to do so. Dan has access to Matt's Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and phone at all times. He knows all of his passwords and constantly checks his accounts. Dan has never hit Matt, but he has thrown glasses and plates at a wall near him and has threatened to vandalize his car. Dan has a bad temper and Matt is scared he may hit him soon. Matt wants to leave him, but he knows if he does...

- Dan has threatened to tell his parents he's gay
- Dan will post embarrassing and cruel things on his accounts
- Dan will isolate him from his friends even more
- Matt has a very low self esteem from Dan, and feels dependent on him
- Dan has threatened to send his boss inappropriate items he has access to from his accounts
- Matt will be shunned from his community for being gay and unaccepted by his family
- Matt fears for his safety, and is concerned about damage Dan may do to his property

Now all of these scenarios are very different from each other, and you have to keep in mind that there are so many other factors coming into play that we cannot see from an outside perspective. These victims are in romantic relationships and a lot of the times feel very close with their abuser, and often love them. Love is complicated enough, and when you throw it into an abusive relationship it gets very messy. The two most important things to take from this post is:

1: Be patient and understanding with your friends and loved ones who are in their abusive relationships!

2: They can get help getting out!

It is so important to be patient with a friend or loved one who is being abused and doesn't want to, or can't safely, leave their abusive relationship. They need all of the support they can get, and when they are ready and it is safe to do so, they can leave. It is our role as friends and family members to be there for them and not judge or give up on their decisions. Ultimately, they know what is best for them. It is not our job to rescue them, but we can offer resources and information on how to safely escape. Contact a local shelter for more information on how they can develop a safety plan. Or if they simply need a counselor to speak to about their experience, that may be all they need. There is always help. No one deserves to be abused, and everyone deserves to feel safe and loved. Do your part and stop the hurt.

YOU Can Get Involved!

2012-05-29T11:42:00.000-04:00

Hello All! I love doing the work I do, and I'm even more excited to do the work I want to do in the future. I have many resources at URI and around town, and I utilize them the best I can. Lucky for you, you can do the same wherever you are!

By now if you've read most of my posts, you probably care about this awful issue. I would hope so! If you are reading my posts and feeling helpless like, "what can I do?" or "how can I help?", have no worries! This post will be dedicated to my suggestions as a student on how YOU can get involved! It is never too late to raise awareness about domestic abuse, and it can start as small as a conversation. I will be talking about high school and college, but if parents are reading this, you can pass these suggestions along to them! I will also provide resources from my favorite organizations at the end of this post for both students and parents.

Are you excited?! To be honest, when I first got involved in domestic abuse I had no connection to it. My older brother was on the high school task force because one of his best friends was in an abusive relationship and she was the president of the task force. The high school task force started a year or two before I started high school, and it was very understaffed. One day they were handing out flyers during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and my brother asked me to help. I helped, read the flyers as I was handing them out, and decided I wanted to join my freshman year. By my junior year, I was president. By the time I was a senior, the group size had tripled.

There were task forces in at least 5 other neighboring schools in my state, and we collaborated. I became my town's representative for Teen PeaceWorks, which was a local branch of a domestic violence shelter DVCCCT (Domestic Violence Crisis Center Connecticut). This is who our proceeds went to, and where most of our resources came from. If you live in Rhode Island, there are 7 well-known shelters and probably a dozen of other nonaffiliated programs. If you are from any other state, go to your state's coalition site and all of the shelters should be listed there. Typically, the website will start with the first letter of your state followed by cadv.org. For example, Rhode Island's coalition site is ricadv.org, and the national coalition site is http://www.ncadv.org/. There you can find all of the state coalitions and their shelters, as well as helpful information. If you are looking for a shelter to work with, email one of the directors and see if they are willing to collaborate with your high school.

If you are in high school (or for parents who have a child who is in high school), if you don't already have a club for domestic violence awareness and prevention, start one! Find out how to start a club and what regulations your school has. Ask your friends to join you, and make sure you have at least one adult faculty member that can help you out. Once you've got your resources, you can start your work! First thing any club in high school has to do is focus on when they will be doing most of their work: October and February. Obviously you can do work near the holidays in December, or basically anytime! However, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. So, these times are very crucial for your work. Some examples of what you and your club can do to raise funds and awareness are:

- informational booth; contains flyers, purple ribbons, pins, bracelets, any other merchandise for the cause, and resources to nearby shelters
- bake sale with an informational booth
- car wash with informational booth
- silent witnesses; silhouettes (if this is available to you) of victims who have died due to dv
- talent show where funds go to nearby shelters
- hands are not for hurting; have students sign their name on a large banner agreeing that violence is unacceptable- they can trace their hands and sign inside it, for example
- purple day; have a contest with whoever wears the most purple to raise awareness gets a prize
- bracelet sale; get silicone purple bracelets and sell them to raise awareness
- have your group members wear a specific color (red, for example) on a day to signify the number of teens going through an abusive relationship; make an announcement about its significance

I'm sure you can think of many more, but those are just a few! Obviously clubs in colleges can do the same thing as long as you have the permission, funding, and support! All of these suggestions are a great way to do your part to stop the hurt! :)

Self Esteem is Key

2012-05-04T19:11:00.002-04:00

Hey Everybody! I want to discuss my personal theories on how to prevent domestic abuse in adolescents and young kids. Just as a forewarning these are my personal beliefs that have not been tested. I have combined experience with knowledge from research to come up with these ideas, so I hope you enjoy! Also, please participate in my poll (----->) and tell me what you would like me to post about next! Thank you!

Self Esteem
Defined as "a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of one's self worth". There are many aspects of self esteem, and it is a very subjective concept. Self esteem is fragile, modifiable, and vulnerable. What do you think of when you think of self esteem? What factors affect one's self esteem? How can we improve self esteem?

When we are young, between the ages of 3 to 7, we are building up a simple base of our self esteem. We base it off of our parents mainly, and/or other family members or guardians who take care of us. Our self esteem at those young ages are basic and we develop them based on approval, love and openness, our competence, and beginning values. Most of these aspects are influenced by our parents (guardians) because they are the first people we interact with for a long period of time. They are the first people who offer us love, or don't offer us love. They are the first people who encourage or discourage our behaviors. If we are securely attached to our parents/guardians, our relationship with them defines our views on love and openness in the future.

As we grow older, from ages 8-13, these are the ages of middle school. Kids can be cruel! Hopefully all of you had a good experience in middle school, but this time for kids is crucial for self esteem building. This is when peer review is at its highest; kids are constantly comparing themselves to their peers. They aren't quite at the identity-role stage yet, but their identities at this time are constantly being shaped and changed by their peers. Kids at this age are just starting to form their own ideals and values. They are forming them and reshaping them as their personality and values change. Their peers have major influences on who they decide to be, how they decide to dress, and what interests they take part in. Image, personality, and beliefs are all beginning to form at this age, so it is a crucial time for intervention. By intervention I mean it is a perfect time to begin education on dating abuse. Why? Because their beliefs and values are being formed at this time, so if they learn now how to respect others and respect themselves, they will be more likely to carry this out through high school. They must learn at this age what healthy dating looks like, since they will most likely experiment with dating once they enter high school. As mentioned before, self esteem is very fragile and vulnerable and is easily manipulated by others. They think their peers know best, but in reality they don't so it is important they learn from elders what is healthy and unhealthy in relationships.

In high school, ages 14-18, self esteem is constantly changing. By now kids have made their core group of friends and have developed interests, hobbies, and lifestyle choices. Peers are still a major influence on their choices in life and the way they view themselves. Social comparison still exists mainly between the core friend groups. Kids inevitably gravitate toward a group they feel they "fit in" with, so they are constantly trying to maintain an image that keeps up with their peers. They want to be approved, just like they have wanted since they were younger, and they will do just about anything to feel welcomed. It is hard at these ages, especially 14 and 15, to stand up against your peer group and say that something they did was wrong. For example, it takes a lot of guts for a young boy to stand up against his idol who jokes about hitting women. If he does this he may be ostracized, beat up, made fun of, or just simply shot down. Not only does this hurt his self esteem, but the long term effects could ruin his years in high school. Kids in high school are going through what is called the "identity crisis" where they are trying to discover their purpose in life and what path they are going to follow. This identity they are molding into in a sense determines a lot in their personality for the rest of their life. Also, it is easy to lose oneself in a relationship. It is easy for an abuser to try to mold their partner's identity into what they want them to be. Self esteem is attacked in an abusive relationship because it is how the abuser maintains power and control over them. Someone who is being emotionally abused is being constantly put down and insulted, manipulated and hurt, and is under the control of their abuser. Their self esteem is at high risk at this point, and easy for the abuser to destroy. This is a critical time for education.

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My methods of prevention in young children (early school age):
- practice messages of love/approval/support/encouragement of good behavior with them
- help them work on their own to develop their own levels of competence and mastery so that they feel confident in themselves; this builds self esteem
- administer self-evaluations and evaluations of values; check for any negative feedback and address it to see where it is coming from (parents, peers, self)-this would call for a minor intervention to try to revert the negative evaluations back to positive evaluations; make frequent evaluations to see how self esteem progresses

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My methods of prevention in middle school age children:
- do active workshops where they learn to cooperatively work together with others; team building; this allows room for leadership without demands/authoritarianism; leadership also leads to individualism and self efficiency and self reliability
- encourage and enforce respect! respect for oneself and respect for others- cannot emphasize this enough; respect is important for everything in life, especially romantic relationships but is not limited to them
- promote healthy friendships; promote diversity and acceptance

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My methods of prevention in high school age adolescents:
- start domestic violence education immediately; promote healthy relationships and raise awareness of unhealthy relationships
- talk about self worth; administer self evaluations regarding self worth and self esteem; teach about how to maintain self worth
- boost individualism within social roles/groups/identities; inspire self sufficiency/reliance; stress importance of self needs and one's happiness and self-checking

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I hope you found this helpful, informative, and enjoyable! I don't want to drag this post out for too much longer, so let me finish with a message from my favorite musical artist, Christina Aguilera: you are Beautiful no matter what they say and words can't bring you down.
Do your part, and stop the hurt!
Please 'like' my Facebook page if you haven't already done so! Thank you! Stop The Hurt Facebook Page xo

Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil, See No Evil

2012-04-30T16:03:00.000-04:00

Hi Everyone!

It's crunch time here at URI since finals are next week already (semesters fly by so fast). I hope everyone is trying to be stress-free and powering through! Today I'm going to talk about children who witness domestic abuse in their homes. This subject has a lot of research behind it, but it is important to note that the research is objective, and that each individual handles things uniquely. The title of this post is "Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil, See No Evil" because it represents the children who are silenced, confused, or neglected when witnessing abuse.

So we've talked about abusive relationships in most of its forms, but we haven't mentioned who else it affects. We've briefly touched on friends and family and how you can help if you see someone in an abusive relationship, but what if there are children in the house?

Children who witness domestic violence are just as affected as the victim in most cases.

It highly depends on the age of the child, and each child handles the situation differently. There are certain distinct differences we can determine based on the age of the child, however. For example, a child in the preschool age may experience distress and irritability. They may feel very close to one parent and feel anxious or fearful when away from that parent. Typically the child will be confused and not vocal about what's going on, but will show it in their playtime or other discrete ways. For a child in their pre-teen years, their experiences become much more detrimental due to their active behaviors in response to what they see going on. Kids in their pre-teens and during adolescence may involve themselves in risky or dangerous behaviors such as drug/alcohol use, risky sexual behaviors, skipping school, becoming more violent or aggressive in their demeanor, or threatening suicide or running away. This child may also do the opposite and become very reserved and avoid social interactions by isolating themselves (much like the victim). They might feel shame that they cannot help their abused parent, or they might blame the abused parent for breaking up the family or causing them problems. The child may become depressed and fearful. It should not surprise you that a lot of the times when there are children involved, the children are abused too. This is not always the case, but unfortunately it does happen.

As I've mentioned, each experience is unique to the child, but regardless of the individual the experience is always negative. There are psychological effects, and sometimes physical effects. These are very similar to the effects victims experience as well; shame, embarrassment, guilt, depression, anxiety, blame. These psychological effects affect their behaviors as well. They may remove themselves from group activities or social conventions, and maybe stop going to school altogether. They may become more aggressive or violent with their peers and act out if they are angry. They may engage in dangerous behaviors to cope with their pain and confusion, and become more distrusting of adult or authority figures. Sometimes if the child witnesses the abuse and the police intervene but the abuse still continues, the child may feel as though they are unprotected and helpless. Other times if the child sympathizes with their abused parent, they will feel shameful that they cannot help them. Unfortunately, sometimes the child will blame the victimized parent and be angrier towards them for not fixing their problems. In some cases, the child becomes so used to the violence that it becomes natural to them. They might accept violence as a way of expressing love, and think that it's okay to express oneself violently. This could be due to the fact that the abuser tells them this, or either parents don't discuss it with the child at all.

There are also possible physical effects due to witnessing abuse. The child may develop eating disorders, sleep disorders, anxiety or depression, or other physical disturbances. These physical effects may not be life-threatening, but they are stressors that indicate deeper psychological pain. You can imagine the distress and confusion the child feels being stuck in such a life-altering situation.

What To Do?

If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship with children in the home, don't ignore it. You know how it affects the victim, and now you know how it affects the children. Make sure if you are in the position to talk to the victim, talk to them about the effects the abuse may have on their kids. This is obviously a sensitive subject, so be careful with your choice of words. Do not blame the victim or accuse them of neglecting their child. Simply suggest that they talk to their kids about how they feel. Have them sit down with their children and listen to their thoughts and feelings about what's going on. The victim may flat out deny the abuse, or feel their role as a parent is threatened and refuse to talk about it. If this occurs, you must respect their decision and back off for the time being. If they do agree to talk to their child, suggest the following: talk to their kids openly, listen to their kids' feelings, offer counseling or someone they trust they could talk to, reassure them that it's not their fault, acknowledge that violence is not okay, be patient, understanding, and caring with their kids. It is especially important to explain that violence is not okay because the child may begin to accept violence as a means of love. They may not understand that love does not include violence, so it is important to explain to them that it is not an acceptable way of expressing oneself. Make sure the child does not feel threatened, blamed, unloved, or rejected. The child may not always be willing to talk about their feelings immediately, but be respectfully and calmly persistent by bringing it up other times. Do not pretend as though the child is acting normally and that they are alright. More often than not they are very negatively affected.

This is a shocking video on facts about children who are in violent homes: 10 Shocking Domestic Violence Facts About Children

Even if they try just once to talk about the abuse with their child, it opens up conversation and allows for the child to feel safe, welcome, and acknowledged. Any effort counts. Do your part and stop the hurt.

For more information, go to your state's coalition site, or the national site: http://www.ncadv.org/ under "Learn" and "The Problem". Or visit this helpful site for more Info!

If you don't already, please 'like' my facebook page Stop The Hurt and follow @Stop_TheHurt on twitter!! Thank you so much for your ongoing support!

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

2012-04-22T22:18:00.001-04:00

Hi All! Today I watched the ABC Family movie Cyberbully. I liked it overall even though it went a little extreme at points, but in all sincerity it was scary how accurate some parts were. High school is a scary place to be, and the internet brings all the torture home. Kids can be cruel. Unfortunately, we're all guilty of lashing out and saying something we didn't mean, especially when we're young and just don't understand the consequences. However, I can confidently say I had only made this mistake a couple times and quickly apologized even though I know the damage had been done. Unfortunately for my bullies, I never got an apology for my torment. I don't think people quite understand how damaging words can be.

"slut" "bitch" "ugly" "nerd" "whore" "disgusting"
"retard" "gross" "loser" "fag" "dumb"

What hurts me right now is knowing for a fact that most of you reading this have heard one or more of those words, or worse. I know I have. Words hurt. Just because they're said online and not to someone's face doesn't mean they aren't painful. What's worse is it becomes permanent. I know when I received these messages anonymously through the Honesty Box app (Facebook has now removed this application; YAY!), I revisited them constantly. Not because I enjoyed feeling ridiculed, but because they were stuck there as a reminder of what these people thought of me no matter how untrue the comments were. And every other day or so I'd get a nice comment that would make it a little better. But studies have shown that people experience a 5 times greater rate of response to negative comments than positive comments. So no matter how positive a comment could be, a negative comment could ruin your whole week. So why do people do this? Why is it so easy for someone to say such horrible things to another person?

Bullying has rapidly become an issue in our society that can no longer be ignored. Kids are committing suicide due to their harassment because they see no other way out of it. There is a huge sense of loneliness when insults are so permanent and public online. There is an even larger sense of entrapment. The statistics are overwhelming. 1 in 10 students drop out of school because of bullying. There are reported 2.7 million kids bullied a year. 17% of students who miss school say it is because of a fear of being bullied. It is shown that boys tend to be more physically aggressive and expressive, and that girls tend to be more emotionally aggressive. This is not true across the board, but it is shown most in studies. With this information we can try to intervene safely and prevent bullying and meanness.

Perhaps we can implement anger management sessions in schools for people who struggle as bullies. We can stress that when someone is bothering you to inform an adult rather than keep it to yourself or spread rumors. We can stress that it is better to face a problem than ignore it, but that this should be done in a respectful manner; if you have a problem with someone that you want to resolve, there are healthy ways to go about doing this. We can help teach kids how to safely use the internet, how to keep your information private, and what to do if someone is harassing you online. We can reiterate RESPECT. We can always use the, "if you don't have something nice to say about someone, don't say anything at all" policy!

Now I know I've talked about bullying and its link to domestic abuse on here before, but this post is really just a reminder to be nice. Be nice to anyone and everyone. There is no reason not to. Smile. Say hi. Open the door for someone. Be wary of how you speak to people both in person and online. Be careful not to lash out or feel the need to get revenge on someone who has been mean to you. Revenge is best served cold. Getting even only makes you as bad as the person who hurt you. Be a better person, and stand up against what's wrong without stooping to their level. Make them aware that they are being hurtful, insensitive, and if they don't listen then it's their problem. Strive to be a better person every day, whatever that means for you. If you see that someone is being bullied, either get an adult involved or stand up against it if it's safe for you to do so. You could save someone's life.

I've left you with some links for information and a video that URI students made to stand up against bullying. It's all wonderful, so I hope you view it and enjoy it! Don't forget to participate in my poll (scroll up and it's on the right!) and thank you so much for your ongoing support. Do your part and stop the hurt.

http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/bullying-statistics-2010.html
http://bullying.org/
http://www.stopbullying.gov/

URI Stands Up Against Bullying, Will You?

Sexual Assault Awareness

2012-04-06T22:38:00.001-04:00

Now I know my blog says it's all about domestic abuse, but that does not mean I don't advocate for sexual assault awareness and prevention as well! I care just as much about sexual assault as domestic abuse because it hurts. And here we all want to STOP THE HURT. As hopefully all of you know, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month! I know here at URI we're doing our best to raise awareness, and we are hosting booths every Wednesday. If you're a student or faculty member, please come take the pledge to NOT condone, commit, or stay silent about sexual assault. Wear a teal ribbon to support the fight against sexual assault!

DID YOU KNOW: 1 in 6 women is sexually assaulted or has been a victim of attempted rape in her lifetime, and 1 in 6 men is sexually assaulted in his lifetime and 1 in 33 men are victims of attempted rape
DID YOU KNOW: 87% of the victims KNOW the perpetrator
DID YOU KNOW: every 2 minutes in the U.S., someone is sexually assaulted

Sexual assault and sexual violence has a lot going on, so I want to break it down for you. The laws in Rhode Island define it in 3 degrees:

1st degree sexual assault: penetration of any part of the victim’s body by any part of the offender’s body, or by an object.
- this means that it must be a sexual part of the body (not poking a finger in someone's ear, however strange and uncomfortable that may be)

2nd degree sexual assault: sexual contact without penetration for sexual gratification.
- this means the person contacting the victim must be getting some sexual gratification from the touching occurring (the area on the victim does not necessarily have to be a sexual place; it could be their thigh for example)

3rd degree sexual assault: a person who is +18 engages in sexual penetration with a person between 14 & 16. (Consent of the younger person is not a defense.)
- the legal age of consent differs between states, but in Rhode Island it is 16

Sexual assault is not just a legal issue, however. There are many psychological and physical effects that occur. Victims of sexual assault can experience effects very similar to victims of abuse, such as:
- shame/guilt - self-blame - anger/irritability - fear/anxiety -physical/emotional changes

These are just some of the many psychological and physical effects that may come from sexual assault. It's also important to remember though that no matter how similar an event of sexual assault may be, every individual copes with it differently. Maybe one person who was sexually assaulted suddenly becomes very introverted and stops hanging out with their friends or going out to parties. Maybe they shut themselves off emotionally and become very reserved. However, someone else could do the opposite and become very promiscuous or party excessively. Neither of these coping mechanisms are healthy, and if you see a drastic change in a friend then ask them what's wrong. Even if they weren't sexually assaulted, something is probably going on in their life and they will be happy you asked.

One of the other effects that I want to emphasize is self-blame. Self-blame is common in victims of abuse or assault, and often paired with that shame or guilt. It is NEVER the victim's fault if they are assaulted in any way. Psychologically we try to come up with excuses so that we feel safer thinking it could never happen to us. For example, we try to blame it on how the victim was dressing, or how the victim was "asking for it". Pardon my french but that's absolute bullsh*t. No one would ever ASK to be a victim of assault. Ever. No matter how "slutty" they are dressing, no one wishes to be manipulated or attacked. So no, it is NEVER the victim's fault. If a victim tries to convince you otherwise, please tell them that there is nothing they could have done differently because it was the perpetrator's own horrible choices and foul behaviors, not theirs.

Chances are, if someone is sexually assaulted, they will not likely come forward and tell everyone they know. Statistically only about 20% of sexual assaults are actually reported to the police. That's just the police reports! It's hard enough to tell your friends or family, but imagine having to tell the police? Telling someone you were sexually assaulted is one of the hardest things to do, so if someone tells you: BELIEVE THEM. SUPPORT THEM. And most importantly, tell them how happy you are that they felt comfortable enough to confide in you!

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, call 1-800-656-HOPE or visit http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/ for information. You can get help! Together we must vow to not be silent about this extremely relevant and preventable problem! We must work together to stop this hurt from affecting so many innocent people! If you have done anything to raise awareness or education about sexual assault, feel free to comment in the comment box and share your experience! Thank you!

Preventing the Abusers from Abusing

2012-03-21T15:17:00.000-04:00

I hope you all had a wonderful spring break if you're in school, and if not I hope you have been enjoying this amazing weather! Today's post is about preventing abusers from ever becoming abusers. Is it possible? Can we prevent abusers from abusing?

I am obviously not an expert of any sort, but I have been starting to do a lot of research on this topic since it really intrigues me. So many people want to immediately point the finger at the victim and ask why it happens to them. We ask 'why THAT person? What qualities do they have that made them more prone to be a victim? What's their family background of abuse; did they grow up in an abusive household?' And so on. We focus on how to protect people from becoming victims, but isn't a huge part of that understanding where the abusers come from? We cannot simply ignore that half of the equation is missing when we solely talk about the victims and the victim perspectives. If we ever want to end domestic abuse, we are going to need to look at all of the aspects of it, including the abusers themselves.

This post is going to be a brief overview of my opinions and generic research since it will obviously take a lot more than one post to comprehend this complex issue! The first steps to ending abuse may be small but they can lead us to creating new possible solutions and better understandings as to why this happens.

So what can we look at first? Well we know that abuse is a calculated, conscious, and repetitive act. If we are assuming the abuser is mentally stable (to say the least), then what causes them to rationalize violent or manipulative/abusive behaviors? Are their brains simply wired differently? Do they not feel empathy? One aspect we can look at is their psychological 'map' so to speak. We can see if there are actually any trends in abusers that can show us whether there is a correlation between their mental constructs and their abusive behaviors. Perhaps we can research studies (or conduct our own eventually!) that can study the psychological health of an abuser. In doing this we can determine whether there is a biological predisposition that abusers possess that could potentially predict their behaviors. This is not to assume that anyone with this biological predisposition would definitely become an abuser, but it may help us narrow down the types of people who do. Once we can figure out how to narrow those people down, we can learn how to intervene.

What if abuse is a learned behavior? A lot of research supports this theory because statistics show that children born into an abusive household are 80% more likely to become abusers themselves. That is a large number, but it is noteworthy to mention that not ALL children born into abusive households become abusers. If a child is born into an abusive home, they may never have been taught what a healthy relationship looks like. If they grow up believing that violence or abuse is love, then who is to tell them to act any differently in their own adult relationships? If abuse is a learned behavior, can it be unlearned? If we study this aspect more as well, then perhaps we can conduct interventions and workshops that redefine love for these abusers and show them that abuse is unacceptable and unhealthy. Some statistics show that children who witness abuse in their homes tend to blame the victim for ruining their family. They don't know any better, and sometimes the abuser will manipulate the children into supporting the abuse in a sense. If this is the case, perhaps the chid aspires to be like their abusive parent when they are an adult. These are all possible scenarios of learned abusive behavior. So if these are more possible explanations to why people become abusers, we can find more efficient ways to prevent someone from becoming an abuser.

Other theories on why abusers abuse has to do with their physical behaviors and expressions themselves. Mainly with physical abuse there is a lot of hostility and anger that comes with the violence. Is it possible that anger management could help the abusers stop themselves from physically abusing their partner? We have to be careful not to excuse their abuse by saying it is merely out of their control, because we cannot excuse abuse in any instance. However, if anger is the true issue, then this may be a great point of access to reach these troubled people. Of course there are a lot of people with anger issues who do not abuse their partners, so we know that could never be the only indicator. But, if it's one piece to the puzzle then it's one piece closer to seeing the whole picture.

Personally I believe these aspects are all important, and I know there are many others that I haven't even touched on. However the best part about being a student is that you never stop learning! I am continuing my research and I love to share it here. I want to stress again that these observations are merely that; they are based off of my experience and research in the field, but I have not tested them myself or seen any proof other than data supporting the theories. If you have information regarding this topic, I would love to hear what you have to share! Please 'like' my Facebook Page Stop The Hurt, and follow @Stop_TheHurt on Twitter! Feel free to post articles or your own blogs there and I will repost them and follow you back!

I apologize for not posting regularly, but I hope you enjoy these posts! Have a wonderful day and do your part and stop the hurt!

Teen Dating Abuse Awareness

2012-02-29T14:29:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone! I have been way too lazy about posting, and I am kicking myself for not updating this in so long. There has been quite a lot going on in my life, so blogging has not been top priority. However, I CANNOT have a blog about domestic abuse and not post during Teen Dating Abuse Awareness Month!

First off, let's start with the basics again. Briefly, don't worry; just a recap.

Dating abuse = any pattern of coercive behaviors such as physical, emotional/psychological, and/or sexual attacks used against a dating partner to maintain power and control in the relationship

Most importantly I want to stress again that victims can be ANYONE. This means the victim can be female, male, Caucasian, African American, Asian, wealthy, poor, Christian, Jewish, etc. The list goes on. There is no one type of victim. This is probably the scariest fact.

Here are more scary facts about dating abuse among teens:

- 1 in 3 teens experience SOME kind of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual) in their relationships

- 1 in 5 teens experience verbal/emotional abuse by a dating partner

- the group most affected/involved in dating abuse are women ages 16-24

- 1 in 5 teens report they have been sexually abused by a dating partner

- Only 33% of victims ever even told anyone about the abuse

- 2 in 5 tweens report knowing a friend who has been harassed verbally by their partner via technology

- 1 in 4 teen girls report being physically or sexually abused by a partner

These facts come from Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial (rooted in Rhode Island), as well as Love Is Not Abuse and Love Is Respect. I want to give a shout-out to these amazing organizations because they are all doing a phenomenal job working towards educating teens about abuse, and helping to prevent it!

Clearly, this issue is relevant to all of us. Too often this problem is ignored, or undermined with completely false and unnecessary excuses. Why do we do this? Why do we choose to turn our heads and pretend, or even hope, that it doesn't happen when it so clearly does? Why do we tell ourselves, "it will never happen to someone I know" or "that doesn't happen in my town"? I'm sorry to burst your hopeful bubble, but unfortunately this issue is very real and absolutely happening right in your town. It's time to talk about it. It's time to face it. It's time to end it.

Teens are 3 times more likely to experience abuse than adults. In teenhood, love is just beginning and the ideals of what love is are also forming. Teens are looking for someone to confide in, to be intimate with, to feel comfortable with, and to feel safe with. Each person is unique, but in the end we all want someone to love. This is where the problem exists the most: love. Our definitions of love are skewed in an abusive relationship. Love is not abuse. But abusers tell us otherwise. If a teen is experiencing their first relationship, who is to tell them differently? US! This is where we need to step in and make our voices heard. They need to know: YES you DO deserve to be treated better, and NO abuse is NOT love!

Abuse in teen relationships exists in many forms: physical, emotional/psychological, verbal, digital, etc. If you've read some of my past posts, you'll know the basics of each type of abuse. However, I'll delve a little deeper now by giving you examples.

*all names and scenarios are completely made up, and none of these stories are real, however they are based off of real facts and statistics

Scenario #1: Ally is starting to skip classes, which she never used to do. Her grades are dropping, her clothes are changing, and she seems much more quiet and timid around her new boyfriend. When asked about the new clothes, she said her boyfriend thought her clothes were too slutty and she wasn’t allowed to wear them in public anymore. You recently saw some bruises on her arms, but when you tried asking her about it, she didn't want to talk about it...

Let's begin by breaking down what kinds of abuse we're seeing in Ally's relationship. Skipping class and dropping grades...are these important? YES! These are signs that something is wrong. Now, if the story stopped there then one shouldn't assume she's in an abusive relationship. However, these are absolutely signs that something is wrong in her life. When someone is in an abusive relationship, they hide or cover up qualities about themselves in order to please or satisfy their partner's demands or threats. For example, say Ally is normally a chatty girl, but when she's with her partner, she is quiet and timid. She restrains herself and doesn't feel comfortable or safe to express herself around him. This is a sign of possible abuse. So we have possible emotional abuse, and definite physical abuse since there are bruises on her arms.

Scenario #2: Justin is constantly checking his phone because his girlfriend is demanding to know who he’s with and where he is all the time. He recently told you she checks all of his texts and call records, and demands for his password to everything. If he’s hanging out with a girl, his girlfriend gets extremely jealous and angry and tells him he can never hang out with another girl or she’ll leave him. He’s admitted that he’s scared to break up with her because she’s threatened to hurt herself if he ever did.

Can a woman abuse a man? Absolutely, and this is a clear example of how women can emotionally abuse their partners. Justin's girlfriend is overly jealous and possessive by not "allowing" him to hang out with other girls. She is also posing threats, which is a sign of emotional abuse. She's threatening to leave the relationship if he doesn't do as she asks, but she is also threatening to hurt herself if he leaves the relationship. This leaves Justin feeling trapped. So we have emotional abuse here, but we also have digital abuse. Justin's girlfriend is monitoring Justin's activity and conversations without his consent. Also, demanding to know his passwords is a complete violation of Justin's independence and security. Not only does it damage trust issues, but it creates more power and control for his girlfriend.

Scenario #3: Nina just started dating her boyfriend, and is very religious. She wants to wait until marriage to have sex, but her boyfriend does not. She tells you he convinced her to have sex because he told her if she really loved him then she would do it regardless of her faith. Nina didn't want to, but she didn't want him to think she didn't love him. She tried to explain her faith and reasons to him, but he simply felt betrayed and made Nina feel guilty for being so "selfish". So, she had sex with him..

In this scenario, we see mainly sexual abuse but the emotional abuse exists as well. He may not be raping or coercing her, but he is manipulating and pressuring her. Instead, he should be respecting her faith and respecting her as a person. A lot of teens in an abusive relationship will hear, "If you really loved me you would..." and they feel obligated or pressured to do whatever their partner wants. This is not okay; both partners should feel comfortable in their own relationships, and EVERYONE deserves the right to say 'no' when they want to. Just because Nina is in a committed relationship does not mean she HAS to give up her virginity in order to keep her boyfriend around. Even in your own relationships and marriages, you ALWAYS reserve the right to say 'no'.

Now that we've dissected an abusive and unhealthy relationship, let's talk about the positives about a healthy relationship! We don't just want to stop abuse; we want to prevent it! Let's promote healthy relationships, and help guide teens to safer and healthier relationships. What does healthy love look like?

TRUST RESPECT HONESTY OPEN COMMUNICATION FEELING SAFE

ACCEPTING ONE ANOTHER SUPPORTING ONE ANOTHER

RESPECTING BOUNDARIES NORMAL JEALOUSY (NOT TAKING IT OUT ON PARTNER) SUPPORTING PARTNER'S INDEPENDENCE COMMITMENT

Those are just a few and if you have others you would like to share, or have examples from your own lives, please share in the comments box!

Even though Teen Dating Abuse Awareness Month is coming to an end, we can still continue to raise awareness and education throughout the year. This issue is not going away anytime soon unless we fight against it. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, don't wait to call for help. If you would like to speak with me personally, or any other peer advocate on the URI campus, call: 401-874-9293. If it is an emergency, call the national hotline: 1-800-799-7233.

I hope everyone has a great Leap Year! Enjoy your invisible day and stay safe!

Do your part and stop the hurt.

It's Time To Talk Day #7

2012-02-02T10:28:00.000-05:00

BLOGGERS! Oh how I've missed you so much! Since I got back to school about two weeks ago my internet has been down at my house!! It upset me beyond words that I couldn't get back on here to get closer to finishing ITTTD (It's Time To Talk Day) posts, which are way overdue. But tonight I am on campus, so I am able to access internet and I am now going to share with you my seventh interview with three amazing people. Yes, I interviewed three people at the same time so it may be a little scattered at points, but all of their input is extremely valuable nonetheless! Here goes:

For my seventh interview, I was fortunate enough to speak with three important members of Start Strong Bronx: Alexandra Smith, Marc Simmons, and Evelyn Alvarez. Start Strong Bronx (and their other branches) is a non-profit organization that aims to educate 11-14 year olds about healthy relationships in order to ultimately prevent teen dating violence. They do in-school curriculums, policy work, workshops, work with social media, and much more. I have to say I LOVE this; I can't stress enough how important it is to start educating at younger ages, because relationships begin forming faster than we even realize. Start Strong has many other branches around the country including the state I'm in right now- Rhode Island! You can learn more about who they are and what they do here. And I highly encourage you to do so; their work is incredible.

So I started off the interview with Marc after he introduced himself briefly and explained the work that he does. Start Strong has a program called the Teen Advisory Board where older kids, age 15-18, provide resources and advice in a mentor-type manner to the 11-14 year olds. They implement workshops on teen dating violence which describe what an unhealthy relationship looks like. They then discuss what a healthy relationship looks like in contrast, and how to aim for a healthy relationship and avoid an unhealthy one. As I mentioned before, I love that they start the education at these young ages, and I wanted to clarify its significance with Marc. He explained to me that even at these young ages in middle school kids may not be romantically involved yet, but they are forming relationships with friends, family, and even teachers or coaches; "[at these ages are] when they start thinking about it, [it's] when they start seeing, and [it's] when they start asking questions,” The kids can still gain a lot from these platonic relationships, and it's important to learn about unhealthy relationships then before they enter the romantic world. Marc further explained that kids notice things quickly; they see what is happening all around them and are especially keen to what's going on in their close friends' or families' lives. If their older brother or sister, for example, is starting to date, they are going to notice what goes on in their relationship. So, this is the perfect time to intervene and educate them about what they should be looking for in their own future relationships.

I asked Marc what he thought about regarding shared responsibility of educating these kids between the school administrators, the youth leaders, parents, etc. Marc stressed that parents are key to education; most of what kids begin to learn first comes from home. The first relationships they see are in their own homes with their parents. If their parents are portraying an unhealthy, or violent relationship, then the child may not know or expect any different in their own life. This is why Start Strong urges parents to talk to their kids about relationships, even if the conversation starts out just by talking about healthy friendships. Starting the conversation early allows for the child to reflect and reach out if they have a problem. The Teen Advisory Board allows for a greater connection to the children as well since the age gap is a lot smaller. The youth leaders can act as role models, or even hold an older sibling type of role. This connection is great for the children because the youth leaders provide resources to them that are easily accessible. The youth leaders can guide these kids toward healthier relationships, and help if they find themselves in an unhealthy one.

Next I spoke with Evelyn about her social media work. I found this extremely interesting because it really puts these professionals in the social internet world, getting information directly from the kids. There is no better place to get information about the kids than from the kids themselves. First, however, let me briefly explain what Evelyn and her work does. The education starts in the classrooms; they teach curriculums in middle schools and high schools about what components make up a healthy relationship. Evelyn explains that they have access to the kids from 9:00am to 3:00pm, but she stresses that a lot of the important things that go on in their lives goes on after those hours. So, that's where the social media comes in; "we approach them where they are: Facebook, Twitter, texting," etc. Evelyn explains they get the inside scoop by becoming Facebook friends, or Twitter followers and keeping an eye on what's going on. They make the kids aware of what they're saying online and how they are presenting themselves. This access makes it very easy to start conversations about relationships and dating abuse: by addressing the kids where they are. This is important to understand because as much as we hope we see everything that goes on whether it is at home or at school, we have to acknowledge that most of the interactions between kids nowadays is not in person. A lot of the abuse that goes on nowadays is through technology. We have to update our own education about technology and digital abuse, so that we can better protect and inform the kids who it is directly affecting.

Lastly but not least, I spoke with Alexandra who is the Project Coordinator of Start Strong Bronx. Alexandra really wanted to speak about parents' roles in their children's lives. She wanted to explain how important it is to talk to your kids about dating abuse; "don't be a kid's friend, be a parent," she says. Alexandra explains how kids will disengage from their parents when they are home; this could happen because they become so immersed in their technology, or simply because they don't feel comfortable or excited to share their personal feelings with their parents. Some kids are open with their parents and that's a wonderful thing, but just because they are open does not mean it excuses the dating abuse conversation from happening. Regardless of your relationship with your kids, it is always appropriate to educate them or simply talk to them about dating abuse. As you know, victims of abuse are not stereotyped; it can happen to anyone, so don't ignore it because you think it will never happen to your child. No one wants to accept that bad things can happen to our loved ones, but we must understand that in order to aid or protect them we must address the issues as if they are vulnerable to them.

Alexandra provided some tips for parents on how to start these sometimes awkward conversations about healthy relationships. She suggests you ask them about other people, not themselves necessarily. Ask them about what celebrities they like and why. What qualities do they like about that celebrity? Do they look for these same qualities in friends and dating partners? Ask questions that let the child figure it out for themselves; pose questions such as, "Well do you think Chris Brown is safe to be around?" or "Do you think Chris Brown respects others?" and allow for the child to think about those qualities. It's okay if they like his music, but they should recognize that as a person maybe he's not so nice. Try to describe the characteristics they should be looking for in another: trust, honesty, support, positive and healthy communication, safety, etc. Children are smart and they will pick up on things quickly. Don't underestimate their judgment. However, children will also model what they see in their own lives as we've mentioned before. So, be a good model for them. Alexandra says, "your kids are watching. Be the person you want your kids to be,"

I ended the interview with any last comments that Alexandra, Evelyn, and Marc wanted to close with. They all agreed we were there for a reason: love is not abuse. They said you cannot love someone if you are abusing them. If you're a bystander or a friend of a victim, don't be judgmental and remember there are agencies that are there to help! Remember that everyone deserves the right to be loved, honored, supported, and safe.

Thank you to Alexandra, Evelyn, Marc, and Start Strong Bronx for their wonderful input on this very important issue. This post is a perfect way to kick off Teen Dating Abuse Awareness Month! I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did. I promise I will try to post more as soon as I have access to good internet. I have some great posts in store for all of you! Thank you so much for your support and compassion! Together I know we can do our part to stop the hurt!

It's Time To Talk Day #6

2012-01-10T19:24:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone! Forging ahead with the It's Time To Talk Day posts, we move on to a story about a woman raised into an abusive household. Julie Boak, a recent Ohio State graduate, is associated with the Ohio organization, CADV, and testified before the Ohio Legislature helping to pass HV19, the "Tine Croucher Act" which mandates dating violence education in grades 7-12. Julie also assisted with some of the groundwork for the creation of the Love Is Not Abuse iPhone application. The application is a free, educational tool that can be found in the iTunes store under "LINA". Julie's personal story, the nightmare of an abusive father and a court system that enabled the abuse throughout her childhood, is currently being used in her home state to educate attorneys, guardian ad litems, and other court officials on the lifelong devastating effects of domestic violence and children.

Julie Boak briefly shared her heartbreaking personal story of how she was born into an abusive household. She explained that her father was the abusive one, and since her mother had the opportunity to leave the relationship, "he abused [her and her older sister] in every way possible, and the courts never listened to it and never protected [them]," Feeling defeated and frustrated, Julie took this horrible experience to people who would finally listen. She collaborated with Citizens Against Domestic Violence in Ohio to mandate that every school teach their students about domestic violence. The tragic story of the daughter of the Croucher's lead to the law being named in honor of her. Tina Croucher was murdered by her ex-boyfriend after they had already broken up. Another innocent life was lost due to this completely preventable issue.

Thankfully, we still have Julie around. "The only way I feel I am here today is because I had a great support system who taught me right from wrong, how to survive the abuse, and the warning signs," Growing up in such a horrific way, Julie took her negative experience and turned it around completely. She has avoided abusive dating relationships her whole life, and continues to service her friends and peers when they find themselves in abusive relationships. She has given so much back to her community and it is all because she wants no one else to ever feel the pain she felt. She says she has a double perspective on abuse since she lived through it, but also works with educating herself and others on the issue. An important piece to note, according to Julie, is that kids are in school every day. This is the environment where they should be learning the most about dating abuse. This is why she worked so hard to help mandate domestic violence education in Ohio. I couldn't agree more that education works, and should be mandatory everywhere.

Julie firmly believes that education makes a difference, and she believes her education is the reason she has successfully avoided being in an abusive dating relationship. She admits that she has witnessed many of her friends in and out of abusive relationships themselves, and worries about our generation's use of technology. Technology makes it much easier to stalk people in ways that seem so innocent but are so clearly not. Technology also allows for easy access and easy control over one's partner, and adds to the danger of an abusive relationship. She stresses that our generation needs to speak up more about abuse because it directly affects us all. Julie says that no matter how awkward or uncomfortable it may be to talk about this issue, it could save lives.

Julie's best advice for everyone out there is to talk to your friends and your family. Be aware of what's going on and don't ignore it. Learn the warning signs and learn how to safely help out your friends and family members. She says it is extremely important to keep your individualism in your dating relationships because you can easily get sucked into a relationship and lose yourself. Julie suggests you have "date nights and friend nights" where you split up your time with your significant other. This allows for freedom, individualism, and most importantly trust. In an abusive relationship, the red flags are mainly little changes other than the obvious ones, such as: texting/calling excessively, changing one's appearance to suit their partner, being afraid to express oneself to one's partner, tip-toeing around their partner, losing interest in hobbies they once loved, etc. Julie has been educated enough to see abuse when it occurs, but she has also been strong enough to walk away if she's seen it in her own life. But she has hope for everyone: "I think everyone has innate strength in them that they can tap into" whether that strength allows them to walk away from a potentially abusive relationship, or to reach out to someone in one. Most importantly, Julie says loving yourself comes first! "You have to love yourself first before you love anybody else, and you can't lose sight of that,"

Julie shows the importance of fighting for your voice to be heard. When the courts turned away from her and her family, she didn't give up and let the abuse take over her life forever. Instead, she fought for her justice and the justice of others. I asked her where she would like to see herself in five years. She joked she wants to be the first female president, but in reality she said "I want to see change, and I would like to be a ripple effect in that change," Well, Julie, I think you should go after that dream of being our first female president because you could really change people's lives for the better!

I want to thank Julie Boak so much for taking the time to share her story with me.

Stay tuned for ITTTD #7! 3 more interviews to blog about, and then back to my regular posts! I hope you have been enjoying these as much as I have! Stay safe everyone, and do your part and stop the hurt!

ALSO, for those of you who follow me on twitter (@Cara_Mackler) and/or follow my blog's twitter (@Stop_TheHurt), JOIN THE CONVERSATION on Mondays 1/16-26 from 4-5pm and tell @Love_IsNotAbuse and @seventeenmag #whatlovemeans to you! I will be keeping the conversation going, so please join me! Thank you!