THE JOKE HAVEN...Home of bad jokes, stupid news and other random dumb sh!t

Toddler Drives Toy on the Highway

2016-01-13T12:45:00.001-05:00

3 Year Old Drives Better than Most...

http://globalnews.ca/news/2443078/toddler-caught-driving-power-wheels-toy-car-on-highway/

Stupid News of the Day...Laughing for Two Years

2012-04-10T15:41:00.000-04:00

I didn't think the blog was THIS funny! He must have phenomenal abs though...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2116061/Laughing-Dutch-man-Huug-Bosse-Hes-laughing-hip-operation-years-ago--wife-doesnt-funny.html

Stupid News of the Day...Calling in Sick

2012-04-10T15:39:00.002-04:00

I've heard of making yourself sick to avoid work or school...but this is ridiculous!

http://www.theprovince.com/news/Austrian+saws+foot+avoid+work+report/6359754/story.html

Stupid News of the Day...Bacon Coffin!

2012-04-10T15:38:00.002-04:00

Geez...it's like inviting the maggots to dine!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2123135/To-die-Those-love-bacon-death-buried-it.html

Stupid News of the Day...Nail Gun Heart Attack

2012-04-10T15:37:00.000-04:00

Never point a gun...even a nail gun!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-17641494

Stupid News of the Day...Partying with Poltergeist!

2012-04-10T15:36:00.000-04:00

This broad looks like a Poltergeist!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/9194497/Woman-blames-poltergeist-for-noisy-parties.html

Stupid News of the Day...Show and WHAT?!

2012-04-10T15:34:00.000-04:00

Whatever happened to Tansformers and GI Joe's!?

http://news.yahoo.com/kindergartener-brings-500-worth-heroin-show-tell-162423805.html

Top Ten List...Oldie but Goodie thx Frankie Fig

2012-03-08T10:37:00.000-05:00

Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...

# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.

Bonus Joke of the Day...Q&A

2012-03-08T10:33:00.002-05:00

Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
A: When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you!

Joke of the Day...Grandma and the Peanuts

2012-03-08T10:32:00.000-05:00

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and while he’s there his friend eats the whole bowl of peanuts the grandmother left on the table. So as they’re leaving the friend says “Sorry Ms. Johnson but I ate the whole bowl of peanuts you left on the table” The grandmother says “They weren't peanuts, they were peanut M&M's but ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of em.”

More Stupid News...95 y/o Lady Wakes Up 6 Days Later!

2012-03-08T10:30:00.000-05:00

That's some fuckin nap!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2109719/Chinese-woman-95-comes-life-climbing-coffin-days-died.html

Btw...her picture would make a sick album cover.

Video of the Day...Upright Walking Bear....

2012-03-08T10:26:00.000-05:00

Nothing really funny about this...just strange

Stupid News of the Day...In Love with the Statue of Liberty?!

2012-03-08T10:22:00.002-05:00

I'll show you where you can put that torch!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2110198/Amanda-Whittaker-love-Statue-Liberty-Shop-assistant-got-new-flame.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Stupid News of the Day...Download Slash's Album...get Child Porn?!

2012-03-08T10:19:00.000-05:00

By looking at the picture, I'd say they were at least guilty of something...over eating and wearing a filthy shirt for a public photo!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2110921/Council-bans-daughter-contact-Nigel-Robinson-child-porn-images.html

Stupid News of the Day...Pizza flavored beer

2012-02-16T14:47:00.002-05:00

Do I chew it or sip it?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2096172/Mamma-beer-Bizarre-drink-thats-gone-storm-U-S-hopes-slice-UKs-lager-market.html

More Bonus Jokes of the Day....Two Kids in for Surgery

2012-02-16T14:46:00.000-05:00

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, in front of the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'Whatcha in for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision. Whatever that is.'

So the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done
when I was born and couldn't walk for a year

More Bonus Jokes...The Wife and the Baseball Bat

2012-02-16T14:43:00.000-05:00

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees two pairs of legs and reaches for her husbands baseball bat. After a couple of practice swings and cursing her cheating husband she starts whaling away at the blanket as hard as she can. Screams of pain and cries of "Stop....please stop!" echo throughout the bedroom.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink and as she enters, she sees her husband sitting there reading a magazine. "Hi honey", he says, "Your parents came to visit while you were out, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Don't wake them though...they've had a long trip."

Bonus Joke of the Day...Bob and the Blonde

2012-02-16T14:38:00.000-05:00

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. and sat down next to a beautiful blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on and the news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet you 20.00 he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Ok, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed the $20 to Bob.

"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money....

Joke of the Day...Mexican Oysters

2012-02-16T14:34:00.000-05:00

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A Mexican delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order tomorrow, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday. How come?'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

Picture of the Day...Redneck Fire Alarm

2012-02-16T14:31:00.000-05:00

JOKE OF THE DAY...The Lone Ranger & Tonto

2012-01-13T12:21:00.000-05:00

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day, when they stopped to take a rest. Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

Pointing down Tonto said "Buffalo come, here!"

"How can you tell, Tonto? Tracks?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"No! Face sticky."

Picture of the Day...A Drawing Lesson

2012-01-13T12:19:00.000-05:00

Thanks to John Sweeney for this!

STUPID NEWS OF THE DAY...Permanent Erection!?

2012-01-13T12:16:00.000-05:00

He should join the porn business!

http://www.livescience.com/17898-penis-tattoo-blamed-permanent-erection.html

Easy Money Store Visit...Hilarious!

2012-01-11T16:01:00.002-05:00

JOKE OF THE DAY...

2012-01-11T15:50:00.000-05:00

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him to get on the road and stopped the driver. He then administered a breathalyzer test. Amazingly the results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer asked the driver “How the hell can you blow a 0.0?”

The driver replied, "Easily. Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”