Blu

I miss you, Kevin

2010-01-24T22:23:00.000-08:00

What is today? Jan 24? It's been 3 years and 5 days since you left. Or is it 4 years and 5 days. I think I've been working too hard but I think it might also be I just don't want to remember.

I miss you so much but I hate that you never come visit me in my dreams and I can't stand going to visit you. I drive by the exit and I think "wouldn't it be nice to drop by for a while" but every time I go I feel like you can hear me but no response.No response from you and no response from Grandma.
It's amazing how much it still hurts and how much I still miss you and her.I guess we keep going and stay busy to avoid having to talk about you or miss you. But I do and I wish you had stayed a little while longer.
Sometimes I think Grandma gave up because she was sad and missed you and our uncle Robert. Now you're taking care of her, I hope. Although I get the feeling you're on your own.
Do you have enough money? Are you missing anything or need anything? I know Dad worries and both Mom and Dad have aged so much in the years since you died. I am paranoid something will happen to someone I love when I'm not around. Folish, I know but so is hoping you'll read ny blog right?

wedding renewal

2009-10-25T18:03:00.000-07:00

I'm at a wedding today and the pastor invited all married couples to hold hands and renew their vows. I really wanted to hold your hand but you were so far away even though you're right next to me. You asked me at the cocktail reception why I was upset. It's because I found out your brother just went on another trip. He has initiative to start another business for himself and his family. It just reminds me that you don't even take initiative to help me get the IVF set up or finish the house permit or organize the garage or even take time off to spend with me. No, you leave the decision making to me and the initiatve to get all the arrangements done. But what really upset me is that he takes off whenever he wants but you don't because you have obligations to the business. Do I wait for you or do something about the permit or IVF or take time off or do I find my own life and just let you choose if you want to participate in mine?
I am happy for the wedding couple but am sad that I am not more of a priority in your life. I want to die...that thought again.

My sunny day

2009-09-21T21:26:00.000-07:00

My sunny day would be a quiet day in the park with NS an the dog and our baby or babies growing strong and healthy inside me; being held by NS for hours and just feeling his warm embrace.
My sunny day would be to know that in less than a year we would see our little ones runaround the house.
My sunny day would be to see all my neices and nephews eyes light up when they see their new baby cousin(s).
My sunny day would be to see NS hold on to our little one like he holds the dog now and falls asleep on the sofa.
My sunny day would be to see my parents fawn all over the kids and spoil them rotten but also give them structured love and discipline to keep them grounded.
My sunny sky is to see the light and sparkle come back into everyone's smiles and eyes and heart - something that we lost when we lost the first one.
My sunny day would be a quiet day when I am feeling happiness, joy, contentment and love something I lost when Kevin died.
My sunny day would make me happy, not sad, it would help me be optimisticn not gloomy, it would help me stop procrastinating to start a project and have a fresh start.
Today was a good day but of course it is bittersweet knowing everyone around me has kids and I have none.I need better sunny days.

busy July

2009-08-04T08:16:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I was tired or just really busy in July to add any new blogs. I think I'm tired of the subject. I'm going to have to abandon it and start a new subject.

bitter sweet

2009-07-02T13:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my sister in law told me that she was pregnant again. I was happy for her, I mean really happy at that instant. But then on the drive home I saw NS driving along side me and just felt this tremendous sadness for myself.

I'm hoping this time will be successful for us but I just have a nagging feeling it might not work. I don't know how to tell my sister in laws that I really am happy for them just not for myself. My emotions is a bit underwhelming.

I need to stop all the negative talk to myself. I've started the learn to meditate on-line class but have been procrastinating and haven't finished the first of 20+ classes.

Tuesday, June 16

2009-06-16T14:12:00.000-07:00

Went for a walk yesterday and bought some calligraphy drawing materials. I might get back into the Chinese painting but after practicing for 3 hours, I think I might get bored with it. The only thing that came out right was the bamboo. I thought I was ok with the iris but didn't get it right. Well, more practice tonight.

Black and white isn't as easy as it seems.

Massage Torture- S 6/13/09

2009-06-13T10:18:00.000-07:00

Last week the accuptuncturist recommended I have accuptuncture every other week and I should try the abdominal massage in between. I have a feeling this is going to hurt. Both accuptuncturist in the first 2 sessions told me it's no cake walk.

The 2 minutes they gave me in the first session cost $55 and it was like they were kneeding my stomach.

I'm still on the herbal powder regime. Almost done with the bottle already and it's only been two weeks. I cringe to think of the next bottle of powerder. I'm hoping he'll lesson the dosage, but probably not. He said my chi wasn't good and my kidney pulses were weak.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

2009-06-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

I went to a IVF overview meeting yesterday. It was interesting but I was a bit peeved about the statistics and metrics they present. This clinic presented the same type of metrics that another clinic. Pretty much, the theory that if you go through more IVF cycles, the higher the numbers of people get pregnant. NS and I agree but really, for each person, the probability is still the same for every try.

I really have to get started but just don't want to do anything. It's day 20 I need to start now or I won't be able to do even the first transfer until Sept or Oct.

Accupuncture Bruises

2009-05-30T20:30:00.000-07:00

Saturday, May 30, 2009

My bruise is still there from Thursday's acupuncture treatment. I should count how many needles in the next session. It's supposed to help me relax but we'll see how it goes in the next session. My husband fell asleep, at least he doesn't snore loud.

The Dr sold me some herbal powder, 2 spoonfuls in water 3x per day। Not sure what it is but I tried it today at 10 am and it made me nauseated. I think gave me a headache on the right side of my head. I had another glass at 7 pm and feel a bit nauseated now. It kinda smells like a Chinese herbal store and isn't bitter but hard to drink. I would equate it to drinking muddy water. My 3rd dose is later tonight before I sleep. Yuck.

Thursday, May 27, 2009

Finally got myself into the acupuncture clinic after procrastinating for 3 months. The Dr was interesting, I really couldn't hear him that well but after about 1 minute of abdominal pressing and pushing the fat around, which cost me $55 bucks, he started putting a bunch of needles into me.

I lost count but it wasn't that bad... at first. Then he put a needle in my forearm and that hurt. The other needle that hurt was on my left calf. He offered to loosen the tension but I'm not sure what that meant. I just didn't want to be touched after the needles were in. After another $85 and 20 mins of "resting" another person came in to pull all the needles out. The one spot that really hurt was bruised at the end of the session.

I'm trying to keep my mine open about it but I'm hoping it's better next time in about 10 days.