Doctor Grumpy in the House

My kids are jealous (hell, so am I!)

2012-01-28T09:18:00.006-06:00

Okay, while I don't know Mathew Ho and Asad Muhammad, I have to respect what they did.

This pair of 17-year old guys, who live in Toronto, successfully launched a Lego figure into near-space (14 miles up) using a weather balloon, a lot of weekends, and costing about $400.

Just for fun.

They even sent 4 cameras and a GPS tracker with him, so they could film and recover him.

This is the movie they posted.

I'm thoroughly impressed guys. That's really cool.

"Uh, maybe we can sell them on Ebay..."

2012-01-27T14:59:00.002-06:00

Yet another reminder that crime doesn't pay.

Thank you, Lee!

Maybe I should start using Old Spice

2012-01-27T05:41:00.003-06:00

Mrs. Colostrum: "It's a burning pain on one side of my head. It's like... Doctor, you know what it feels like when you've been breastfeeding, and after the infant is done you have a burning pain in that nipple? Did you breastfeed when you had your kids?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No."

Drug company ads

2012-01-26T16:31:00.002-06:00

There's nothing quite as manly as testosterone. Especially when you're rubbing it into your smelly armpits.

So does anyone else out there think this ad campaign:

Would be a helluva lot better if it featured the Old Spice Guy?

"Smell like a man, man."

Just wondering.

Family ties

2012-01-26T05:36:00.002-06:00

Dr. Grumpy: "How are things going?"

Mrs. Xanax: "It's very stressful. My sister and I aren't speaking to each other right now."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry to hear that. Is this the one who's having a baby? Last time you were here you were knitting a blanket for her?"

Mrs. Xanax: "Yeah, but that's where it all started. I was going to have the blanket done when she got to 36 weeks, but then she had all kinds of complications, and had a seizure, and they had to deliver the baby at 29 weeks, and the blanket wasn't done by then. Now she just spends all her time at the hospital visiting the baby, and I finally called and told her that I wasn't happy about how she ruined my plans to have the blanket ready in time, and that it's not all about her."

Your tax dollars at work

2012-01-25T11:11:00.003-06:00

I, Dr. Grumpy, am not a cannibal. I have never been a cannibal, nor do I have any interest in being a cannibal.

In Oklahoma, however, an elected representative of the people (state Senator Ralph Shortey) has decided that eating human fetuses is a SERIOUS problem in America. If not now, it still could become one by, say, 2022.

So we need to act now to keep this from happening. Because, with all the other issues facing our society, people eating fetuses is apparently one of the bigger ones. At least to Mr. Shortey.

So he has, I SWEAR, introduced a bill to ban the practice of using human fetuses in food products.

Comically, he even admits that he's unaware of anyone actually doing this, but decided the law is needed because he researched the subject on the internet.

And we all know how accurate that is.

Thank you, Ed!

Counting

2012-01-25T04:54:00.002-06:00

I recently got a pile of medical records from Dr. Downthestreet, which featured these notes on the bottom of a 4-page lab report.

By jove, I think he's got it!

2012-01-24T13:24:00.003-06:00

Mr. Gregory: "Today is the 24th. Doctor, do you realize what that means?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, no?"

Mr. Gregory: "It's been 24 days since the month started."

Meetings and conferences and grand rounds OH MY!

2012-01-24T06:05:00.003-06:00

A large part of a medical career is spent half awake in a darkened auditorium. It starts in medical school with classes. During the 3rd & 4th years it expands to include grand rounds and teaching conferences of whatever rotation you're on.

In residency it continues, with most programs having at lease 1 daily conference. Residents who don't show up risk incurring the wrath of the program director.

In the REAL WORLD this stuff continues. It's worst if you stay in academics, but even in private practice there are CME courses, annual meetings, etc. to go to (okay, I haven't gone to any for over 12 years, but I'm atypical). My idol, Dr. Oscar London, pointed out that by the time they finish training most doctors are conditioned to doze off when they hear "May I have the first slide, please."

But I digress.

Anyway, the point here is that these meetings are BORING. Except for the occasional fistfight between doctors breaking out (I personally witnessed one at a tumor board between a medical oncologist and radiation oncologist) these things are dreary as hell.

But there are rare exceptions. The one that will likely live on as THE MOST INTERESTING MEDICAL PRESENTATION EVER was in 1983, at the American Urodynamics Association annual meeting.

The presenter was Sir Giles Brindley (knighted in 1986 for bioengineering research).

At this point, I'm going to send you over to a summary article for the remarkable story of that day.

Thank you, Science Marches On Department!

Honesty

2012-01-23T14:00:00.000-06:00

Kids are just awesome.

Set to music, too

2012-01-23T05:32:00.000-06:00

Dr. Grumpy: "What can I do for you?"

Mrs. Windows: "Do you have Powerpoint on your computer?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, yes?"

Mrs. Windows: "Here's a complete presentation on my symptoms." (hands over memory stick)

Addendum to the previous post

2012-01-22T15:37:00.004-06:00

While reading the drunk-driving article linked in yesterday's post (below) I noticed this name in the comments under it:

If you're gonna do it, do it right

2012-01-21T14:12:00.002-06:00

I bet he and his son are proud of each other.

Thank you, Amanda!

The surgery mindset

2012-01-20T20:11:00.005-06:00

On rare occasions an orthopedic surgeon will rent a half-day of office space from Dr. Pissy and I, and today was one of those.

Unfortunately, the power was out for a few hours this afternoon due to the snowstorm. This is a major inconvenience, but what can you do? So the patients and I work through it as best we can.

Not the ortho doc, though. 10 minutes after it went out he came storming out of an exam room and went up to his secretary.

"Suzy! This power outage is unacceptable! Call the electric company and have them turn it back on immediately!"

Pissy and I had a hard time not cackling as he marched back into the exam room.

Awesomeness

2012-01-20T05:34:00.001-06:00

Some days a patient reminds me of the (dwindling) reasons why I still love this job.

Dr. Grumpy: "Have you had any neck pain?"

Mr. Awesome: "I have no idea."

Dr. Grumpy: "You don't know if you have neck pain?"

Mr. Awesome: "Look, doc, I'm 89. If you pay attention to every ache and pain at my age you become a fucking hypochondriac."

Patient quote of the day

2012-01-19T13:13:00.002-06:00

"My Dad had cancer. I think it was prosthetic cancer."

Why do I bother?

2012-01-19T05:28:00.000-06:00

Dr. Grumpy: "Did that medicine help?"

Mr. Pill: "I don't know. The pharmacy never filled it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Whaaa..."

Mr. Pill: "I dropped it off last month, but they never called to tell me it was ready."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you go by to get it? Or call them to ask if it was ready?"

Mr. Pill: "Was I supposed to?"

The ink is black, the page is white

2012-01-18T04:48:00.005-06:00

Race relations are more complex than passing laws and saying "look, we elected/hired a black person." A lot of the time real change is seen at a level that politicians and activists won't even tell you about.

So here's a story that you won't hear on the news or from a politico's mouth.

I have a patient, an elderly white man. His wife died 2 years ago, and he has no kids or local siblings. In 2010 he developed a relentlessly progressive neurological disease, with increasing disability over time.

A long time ago, when he was a teenager, his parents were prominent members of the Grumpyville community. When a group of black families wanted to build a community center, the majority of Grumpyville whites fought like hell to keep them from doing so. Because, after all, they were black people.

But Mr. Patient's parents were different. They had this bizarre (for the time) view that people were equal, and should be treated fairly. So they stood up against the majority of the community, bought a parcel of land for the community center, and then financed a large part of it out of their own pockets.

So it got built. And became a successful (and still in existence) black center in Grumpyville. Years went by. Mr. Patient's parents grew old and died, and then Mr. Patient grew old and sick.

There's nobody at the community center old enough to remember how it got started. Although the center's humble origins are doubtless memorialized somewhere on a wall or booklet, most of its members are my age or younger now.

Mr. Patient is stubborn (like most guys) and been reluctant to leave the house he and his wife have owned for 50 years. To him moving into a care home was out of the question. His financial resources, though comfortable, didn't allow him to hire much in the way of outside help. And he was too stubborn to call friends for help. So he worsened, and became increasingly unable to care for his home and self.

Usually these situations end in disaster. The patient is found lying on the floor, dead or near it, after the postman notices no one is getting the mail. But this one was different.

Last month, through the community grapevine, one of the administrators of the black community center heard about white Mr. Patient, and realized who his parents were. He contacted him to offer help, and to my surprise, Mr. Patient accepted.

So now Mr. Patient is able to continue living at his house because volunteers from the community center, all born long after the place was established, come to his home a few times a week. They bring him meals and groceries, help with the upkeep of the house, and are allowing him to stay there as long as possible.

That's what real measures of human change are.

"That was the wrong button, Nigel."

2012-01-17T12:37:00.003-06:00

"British Airways apologizes for this unfortunate incident, and will pay to wash or replace our loyal passengers' underwear."

Doctors behaving badly

2012-01-17T06:17:00.001-06:00

Mary interrupts me with a patient. A doctor who doesn't refer to me is on the phone, and says it's urgent he talk to me.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Dislike: "Hi, does Fukitol interact with Noshakes?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Is one of my patients over there?"

Dr. Dislike: "No, I just want to know for someone I'm seeing tomorrow."

Dr. Grumpy: "You had me interrupted with a patient to ask me a simple drug question?"

Dr. Dislike: "I'm very busy. I don't have time for this. Answer the question!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Look it up on ePocrates." (hangs up)

Magazines at the grocery store check-out line

2012-01-16T14:31:00.005-06:00

Sheesh. All I wanted was some hamburger buns, tomatoes, and onion rings.

Reminded me of this.

Thank you, Webhill!

Clothes make the man

2012-01-16T04:57:00.002-06:00

Due to a laundry machine catastrophe yesterday, Local Hospital has run out of patient gowns. So they're using a bunch of promotional T-shirts they found in the basement.

As a result, my drooling, incontinent 92 year old male stroke patient, with advanced Alzheimer's disease, is wearing a T-shirt that says "I'm a proud new Daddy!"

With little baby footprints under the word "Daddy."

Sunday musical interlude

2012-01-15T09:26:00.002-06:00

Random Saturday pictures

2012-01-14T09:19:00.002-06:00

First, in case you've forgotten the obscene kiwi fruit, we have this tomato:

Next we have a store computer showing the blue screen of death, which is generally NOT a selling point:

A reader sent in this coupon for a "fluid exchange". He commented that "if it didn't show a picture of a car, I'd wonder what they were selling with that headline."

Having the place named "BJ's" probably doesn't help, either.

And, lastly, for those of you trying to lose weight for New Year's, keep in mind that there are always alternatives to diet and exercise.

Life in America

2012-01-13T12:57:00.002-06:00

In a world of serious problems, it's nice to see lawmakers gutsy enough to tackle the really big issu es facing us.

Thank you, Lee!