Doctor Grumpy in the House

May 18, 1980

2013-05-18T12:37:00.002-04:00

I'd like to offer a remembrance for David A. Johnston (1949-1980, age 30). He died 33 year ago today in the service of his country. His body has never been found.

He believed scientists sometimes had to take serious risks if the knowledge gained would save the lives of others.

David Johnston, roughly 12 hours before his death.

Artisanal, or whatever

2013-05-17T04:00:00.000-04:00

In case you live under a rock, the BEST news story of the week didn't involve murder (unless you consider a reputation), terrorist attacks (unless you consider an undercooked pizza as such), or hurricanes (except for one named Amy).

It involved the bizarre online meltdown of a restaurant in Scottsdale, Arizona called Amy's Baking Company. This place was featured on Gordon Ramsay's cooking show, and became the first place he was ever entirely unable to help, and actually walked out on. If that was the whole story it would be forgotten by now.

What made it much better than anything else, though, were the antics of the place's owners as we watched them steal tips, abuse costumers (and not in a semi-lovable Edsel Ford Fong sort of way, either), and pass off pasta from a grocery store as homemade. If you haven't seen it, be sure to watch it on Kitchen Nightmares. You won't be disappointed.

But what made it a moment for the ages was their bizarre online complete meltdown (well chronicled elsewhere) with them throwing obscenities, claiming the high ground of a deity supporting them, and using ALL CAPS randomly. Then they claimed a hacker had done it all, and not them (although they've done similar things before).

Now, I know nothing about restaurants, beyond which ones have banned my kids from ever coming back. But I have made misuse of the word "artisan" and its derivatives a sort of crusade.

So, looking at their site I noticed the inevitable word "artisan" on it (oddly capitalized, along with "Gourmet" and "Pizzas").

In the same paragraph it noted they serve "house made Artesian Pastas."

Look: "artesian" means an aquifer or spring in the ground, which provides water. It has nothing to do with "artisan." Water can never be artisanal, but it is often artesian. Capisce?

So, Amy, unless you've found some sort of natural spring that produces a steady stream of pasta (sort of like the famous spaghetti farms), I want to make these points:

1. Unless it came flowing out of the ground, it's NOT artesian.

2. If you made it yourself, by hand, you can call it artisanal.

3 If you bought it from the grocery store and are reselling it as your own, it's not "house made," "artisanal," or "artesian."

4. You should also use a comma. To the best of my knowledge there is no such thing as "Artesian Pastas fine wines."

Thank you, Webhill!

Front counter

2013-05-16T04:00:00.000-04:00

So.

A guy shows up at 9:30 with a lady. She signs in on Pissy's sheet, and they sit down next to each other. After a few minutes Pissy's staff takes her back, and he sits out there reading a magazine.

In the meantime, Mary and I are waiting for my new patient at 10:00. At 10:15 we called it a no-show, and at 10:30 my 11:00 patient wandered in early. So I took her back and started the appointment.

At 10:40 the lady who was seeing Pissy leaves - by herself - and the guy who came in with her wanders up to the counter.

Mary: "Can I help you sir?"

Mr. Magazine: "Yeah, when will Dr. Grumpy be seeing me?"

Mary: "What time was your appointment?"

Mr. Magazine: "10:00."

Mary: "Sir, you didn't sign in... We didn't know you were here."

Mr. Magazine: "I would have said something sooner, but there was a good magazine article."

Mary: "I thought you were with that lady you came in with... I'll have the doctor squeeze you in over his lunch break..."

Mr. Magazine: "I'd just met her, in the hall outside your office. I wonder why she didn't sign in for me?"

Tuesday morning, 2:17 a.m.

2013-05-15T04:00:00.000-04:00

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mrs. Batter: "Oh, Dr. Grumpy, I'm glad you're still up."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm not. What can I do for you?"

Mrs. Batter: "I feel so terrible."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's wrong?"

Mrs. Batter: "I'm just torn up about your talk."

Dr. Grumpy: "The talk I gave last night at the hospital? Why, what did I say?"

Mrs. Batter: "It's not you doctor. I just... I, I, I wasn't there!" (starts crying)

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay... And you called me because...?"

Mrs. Batter: "I feel awful. My husband and I were planning on coming to it, but then he got tickets to last night's baseball game from his friend Ed, so we went to that instead. You remember Ed? I think he sees you for his foot problem. And now I can't sleep because I feel so awful about not going to your talk, because I knew you'd be offended that I wasn't there."

Dr. Grumpy: "It's okay Mrs. Batter. I'm not offended. The local Stroke Association chapter had announced the talk, so there was a decent turn-out."

Mrs. Batter: "You didn't even notice I wasn't there, did you?" (starts crying louder, hangs up).

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2013-05-14T04:00:00.000-04:00

Dr. Grumpy: "Is the new sleeping medication helping?"

Mr. Stats: "Absolutely!" (whips out iPad) "As you can see from this graph, I"m sleeping 22.8% more than I was before trying Dozaway, and here... (swipe) it shows how I'm falling asleep 17.3% percent faster, and on this next screen... (swipe)"

Is this the Turing Test?

2013-05-13T04:00:00.000-04:00

Snowball recently got some shots and had a tooth pulled, so spent a few hours at the veterinarian. That evening I noticed they had our phone number wrong on the bill, so called the next morning to correct it.

Phone Girl: "Local Animal Hospital, I..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Ibee Grumpy, and..."

Phone Girl: "I'd like to wish you a very happy National Hug-Your-Cat-Day this month!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, I picked up Snowball yesterday, and realized you have our contact info wrong."

Phone Girl: "Did you know National Hug-Your-Cat-Day is this month? Cats do so many wonderful things for us, that it's important to take care of their heath, too!"

Dr. Grumpy: "I don't have a cat. I'm just calling about an error..."

Phone Girl: "Well, now would be the perfect time to consider getting one! We have 3 cats looking for loving homes here, and several animal shelters we're working with for National Hug-Your-Cat-Day are running offers to help you enjoy them!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Look, I don't want a cat. I just need to give you our correct phone number."

Phone Girl: "Cat are wonderful companions! I'm sure if you came over and met some of the adorable ones available for National Hug-Your-Cat-Day you would..."

Dr. Grumpy: "What time do you work to?"

Phone Girl: "I'm here until noon, but National Hug..."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'll just call back later."

Space Oddity

2013-05-12T18:29:00.002-04:00

Commander Chris Hadfield, the Canadian astronaut departing the ISS, posted this awesome cover today of the classic David Bowie song. Filmed, of course, on site.

Sunday reruns

2013-05-12T04:00:00.000-04:00

Mrs. Hyve: "I'm allergic to all medications. I'm even allergic to Benadryl."

Dr. Grumpy: "What happens?"

Mrs. Hyve: "All medications give me a rash, so to safely take any pill, I have to take another pill first, to prevent the rash from happening."

Dr. Grumpy: "What do you take to keep the rash from occurring?"

Mrs. Hyve: "Benadryl."

Green bananas

2013-05-10T04:00:00.000-04:00

Mr. Hills: "I need a refill on my Fukitol while I'm here."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure..." (Grabs script pad, starts writing) "Hey, do you need this written for a 30 or 90 day supply?"

Mr. Hills: "Just 30 days. For crap's sake, doc, I'm 91 years old."

And you couldn't use your 1 phone call?

2013-05-09T04:00:00.000-04:00

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Bar: "Yeah, this is Don Bar. I'm a new patient, and I need to reschedule my appointment from last month."

Mary: "Okay... It looks like you had an appointment last month, that you no-showed."

Mr. Bar: "That's why I need to reschedule it."

Mary: "I'm sorry, but we have a strict policy for new patients who no-show and don't call at the time. You can't be rescheduled, and will have to ask your doctor to refer you to another neurologist."

Mr. Bar: "I was in jail, and just got out."

"Why can't you be more like that Khatri boy? He makes a nice living."

2013-05-08T04:00:00.000-04:00

Every medical study has a "financial disclosure statement" in it, listing all the people who did the research, how much they were paid for doing it, and who financed it.

So, while glancing through an article this weekend, I noticed the usual disclaimer paragraph at the end. This caught my eye:

Personally, if I were Dr. Hartung or Montalban, I'd be pretty insulted. Worse, I'd be embarrassed that my friends (and my mother!) saw how much better everyone else was doing.

Why fathers go bald

2013-05-07T04:00:00.000-04:00

Craig: "Dad, we need your help."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up?"

Marie: "I lost my school ID today."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where did you lose it?"

Marie: "While we were walking home."

Dr. Grumpy: "Any idea where? It's a 2 mile walk."

Craig: "Along the road, somewhere between here and school."

Dr. Grumpy: (sighs) "Thanks, Craig."

(loads up car, drives SLOWLY to school and back, with kids peering out the windows and other drivers honking and giving me the bird for blocking traffic, while I randomly slam on the brakes any time a kid sees a leaf, or crushed paper cup, or piece of dog shit that vaguely resembles a school ID and screams "THERE IT IS!!!")

I finally gave up and drove back home.

Dr. Grumpy: "Marie, it doesn't appear to be out there anywhere."

Marie: "It has to be! It was while we were walking home today that I noticed it was missing!"

Dr. Grumpy: "When was the last time you remember seeing it?"

Marie: "Last Wednesday, during the field trip to City Park."

Drugs 'R' Us

2013-05-06T20:50:00.005-04:00

Tonight we have two great tales about upstanding members of society.

First, we have Jarvis Sutton of St. Petersburg, Florida.

Mr. Sutton was unusually hopeful that if he called 911 enough, the police would deliver marijuana and munchies to his home. When they showed up and failed to bring either, he consoled himself by eating the police car instead.

Second, we have the remarkably organized Carolyn Murray of Pennsylvania.

This fine lady was involved in a car accident. While providing her insurance forms to officers she handed them a shopping and to do list, which included such items as "potato salad," "Xanax," and "cocaine." It also had a helpful reminder to "get high."

Thank you, Tanya and Webhill!

The Karate Octogenerian

2013-05-06T04:00:00.000-04:00

Mr. Miyagi: "I need to get off Zuclox."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's wrong? You've been on Zuclox for almost 10 years without any problems."

Mr. Miyagi: "It's affecting my balance."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why do you say that?"

Mr. Miyagi: "I fell this weekend."

Dr. Grumpy: "What happened?"

Mr. Miyagi: "I was at the senior citizens dance, trying to meet some ladies. You see, back in 1946 I was stationed in Japan, and learned karate there. I was really good at it, too, and won a few tournaments. I haven't done it since I left the army though. Anyway, at the dance, some of the ladies and I were having drinks at the bar, and they were talking about those karate films, so I decided to show them my moves. I lost my balance and fell on my butt, and all those ladies started laughing at me. One of them laughed so hard her friend had to bring in her oxygen tank."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm not sure Zuclox is why you fell."

Mr. Miyagi: "I looked it up. Balance problems are in the side effects."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, but you never had them with it before."

Mr. Miyagi: "Look, just tell me how to stop it. The next dance is in 2 weeks."

Shameless plug

2013-05-05T10:05:00.002-04:00

Mother's Day is fast approaching, and Father's day is after that!

Are you still trying to decide what to get your parents?

Well, Dr. Grumpy merchandise is always a cherished item, and can be ordered online 24/7 from my online store.

If they prefer digital gifts, you can get them a subscription to have my ramblings automatically sent to their Kindle, for only 99 cents a month!

Patient quote of the day

2013-05-03T04:00:00.000-04:00

Mr. Eosinophil: "I'm allergic to all man-made chemicals, including MSG, nitrates, glucose, oxygen, all proteins, and hemoglobin."

Negotiations

2013-05-02T04:00:00.000-04:00

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Oxy: "Hi, I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "I can help with that. Our next opening is..."

Ms. Oxy: "Wait, before you get to that, I need to know how many Percocets Dr. Grumpy will allow me per month."

Mary: "Did you just ask me..."

Ms. Oxy: "Because my current doc only gives me 150 a month. I'm not going to switch unless you guys make this worth my while. I'm thinking 180 Percocet per month would be enough."

Mary: "Okay, we don't work that way."

Ms. Oxy: "Of course you do. Patients are money to you people, and you need the money. All right, let's say 170 Percocet. I'll settle for that."

Mary: "I think you should stay with your current doctor. It doesn't sound like you're a good match for this practice."

Ms. Oxy: "Okay! 160 Percs a month, and I'll do co-pays in cash, will..."

Mary hung up.

50 Shades of Blue

2013-05-01T04:00:00.000-04:00

A few months back I poked fun at Fycompa, a new epilepsy drug with an interesting side effect profile. Little did I realize I'd have the chance to do it again (different drug this time) so soon.

Like neurologists everywhere, I was surprised to hear the news Monday about a newly reported side-effect concerning the epilepsy drug Potiga.

Namely, that it makes people blue.

I'm not talking depression here, either.

Let's look at the official FDA announcement:

"FDA is warning the public that the anti-seizure medication Potiga (Ezogabine) can cause blue skin discoloration... (and) does not currently know if these changes are reversible.

The skin discoloration in the reported cases appeared as blue pigmentation, predominantly on or around the lips or in the nail beds of the fingers or toes, but more widespread involvement of the face and legs has also been reported. Scleral and conjunctival discoloration, on the white of the eye and inside eyelids, has been observed as well."

Now, with that said, I want to remind you that if you look at the side effects of ANY drug, you'll find scary shit on all of them. I'm sure I'll put patients on Potiga, and most will likely do fine. But that doesn't mean we can't have some fun with it.

For one thing, they don't even tell you what shade of blue. There are 45 of them. Some people if given the choice, would like a nice turquoise, while others would prefer royal blue. Hopefully further research will shed light on this important topic.

The interesting part is this: Let's say a patient had a choice between this drug and one with a "YOU COULD DIE FROM THIS!!!" black box warning. Felbatol, for example, while very effective for seizures, has the potential to cause TWO (not one, but TWO) great ways to die: severe liver failure and/or destruction of your bone marrow.

Yet, human nature is such that most people would prefer Felbatol, figuring the risk of death is preferable to that of turning blue. After all, death generally isn't socially embarrassing. We ALL die. But blue skin? That's just not fashionable.

Unfortunately, GSK (the drug's manufacturer) is likely going to see this as a drawback to Potiga. They'll tell their sales reps to minimize it and move on to something else. Or mumble "and they might turn blue" hurriedly under their breath.

The truth is they should turn it around, and make it a strength of their spiel. The best way to do this, as I see it, would be to go after some commercial tie-ins.

I've compiled a few modest examples:

Live theater:

Potiga is a proud sponsor of tonight's appearance by:

Blue Man Group

1960's psychedelic movies:

United Artists

To treat seizures, All You Need is Love. And Potiga.

1970's psychedelic movies:

Paramount Pictures

"Violet Beauregarde has been seizure free on Potiga. Next month she'll be endorsing juicers, too."

2000's movies:

Twentieth Century Fox

Potiga for epilepsy: It's out of this world!

2000's remakes of 1970's psychedelic movies:

Warner Brothers

Potiga is now available as chewing gum for your patients who won't swallow pills. Violet Beauregarde set a world record with it!

Music acts:

Atlantic Records

"We're both proud to be on Potiga. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to drive as safely as we do."

Historical tie-ins:

Bunker Hill: Would history be different if British officers had given their men Potiga beforehand?

Using it as an excuse...


ABC television

"No, officer, he wasn't into that sort of thing. He's that color from taking Potiga."

Currently Potiga is only approved for ages 18 and up. But maybe it will work in kids. If that happens, GSK is fortunate to have a wide range of endorsers to choose from!

Dupuis Cartoons

Shaky Smurf, Seizey Smurf, Ictal Smurf, and Aurette are all doing great on Potiga! If it's right for Papa Smurf, isn't it right for your child?

And, of course, who could forget

Sesame Street

New Potiga powder! You can sprinkle it on all your child's favorite foods! EVEN COOKIES!!!

Thank you, SMOD, for bringing this to my attention!

Tuesday guest post

2013-04-30T04:00:00.000-04:00

Today I'm honored to have a contribution from everyone's favorite man-on-the-beat, Officer Cynical!

Today I tried to stop a woman with a revoked license. We went 10 blocks with my lights and siren going, and she acted like I wasn't there.

She finally pulled into her driveway, and rolled down her window. The alcohol fumes rolling out of the passenger compartment were almost visible. She said she'd taken "some pain pills and a few muscle relaxants and maybe some other stuff" on top of it.

I arrested her and headed downtown. On the way to jail, she said she had to go to the hospital because "the left half of my brain is numb." So, to be safe, I took her to ER.

I told the ER doc what she said, and he responded (with a straight face), "Well, that doesn't sound right". He agreed with me that it was more likely the whole brain - not just the left half - that was numb.

He went out to my squad car in the ambulance port and told her, "When whatever you're on clears, if your brain is still numb you can come back." Then he signed off on the jail clearance and we left.

Outstanding.

Memories...

2013-04-29T04:00:00.000-04:00

Years ago, Freebase Pharmaceuticals assigned a pretty blond sales rep to my office. Like most reps, she scheduled lunches with us here and there.

One lunch, in spite of the fact that Pissy and I, and our staffs, were there, she decided to try to increase sales by aggressively coming on to me. Asking questions like:

"Does your wife ever travel and leave you alone?"

"I live on the north side. Let me give you my number, in case you're ever in that area."

"I have a meeting near here this Saturday. Any chance you'll be at your office that day?"

The highlight, however, was what she didn't know.

This was at a time when Mary was out on maternity leave. And filling in for her was Mrs. Grumpy.

Who was sitting directly behind Miss Hooters (who she figured was just the secretary).

So, while Miss Hooters was discussing her pharmaceutical wares and underwares, my wife didn't say a word. She just made faces at me over Miss Hooter's shoulder, occasionally holding up bunny ears behind the rep's head, or the finger, or her sandwich, or whatever office supplies were within reach.

Pissy, who had the same view of the show as I did, pretended to have a coughing fit to keep from laughing, and ran out.

"Dude, does this mean I have to roll my own?"

2013-04-27T04:00:00.000-04:00

Actual CNN headline from April 26, 2013:

Dear OBG Management,

2013-04-26T04:00:00.000-04:00

A colleague recently sent me a cover shot of this recent issue:

It looks pretty generic on the surface. Just another medical journal. But then you look closer.

A story on surgical robots? Fine. A story about vibrators? Okay. BUT DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO JUXTAPOSE THEM LIKE THIS?

Better living through machinery

I mean, in this sense it looks like an ad for a 1950's horror flick about giant vibrators from outer space, that arrive on Earth pretending to be friendly.

Of course, while we're on the topic of juvenile humor, I also noticed this headline in the top right corner:

Thank you, ER's Mom!

I'm stumped

2013-04-25T04:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, people, time to see how good you are at being armchair neurologists.

This is an unusually challenging case I saw yesterday, involving a 54 year-old lady. Her internist had referred her to me because of some recent changes in her vision. The following is quoted verbatim from my chart note:

"She has 2 glasses prescriptions, one for near and another for distance. 1 month ago she had an annual optometry check-up, and was told she needed a new near-vision prescription. She ordered the new glasses, and picked them up last week.

Since then she finds that when she puts on the new glasses things look “funny and unclear.” This resolves with taking them off, and doesn’t occur with the distance-glasses on, or using her previous prescription."

This case really has me stumped. So if any you are able to figure out what the problem is, please write in.

Mary's desk, April 23, 2013

2013-04-24T04:00:00.000-04:00

Guy walks in, stands at counter.

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Guy: "Yeah, I want to know if I need an MRI?"

Mary: "Let me look up your chart. When did you see Dr. Grumpy?"

Guy: "I've never seen him. I just want to know if I need an MRI?"

Mary: "I really can't say, sir. I'm not a doctor, but..."

Guy: "I have this neck pain, and my right hand feels numb. So does that need an MRI?"

Mary: "...but I can set you up with an appointment to see the doctor to discuss this. We have an opening Thursday afternoon at 2:30."

Guy: "I don't want to come in. I just want to know if I need an MRI, and if so, to get one."

Mary: "I can't answer that, sir, and the doctor would need to evaluate you before deciding what's needed."

Guy: "You people are just in it for the money."

Leaves and slams door.

Sleep deprivation

2013-04-23T04:00:00.000-04:00

I couldn't sleep, so finally gave up and went to the hospital to see a consult that had come in during the night.

I sat at the nurses station and called up the CT scan on a computer. It looked like a stroke, but the dictation wasn't transcribed yet. So I dialed the radiologist covering nights.

Dr. Radar: "This is Dr. Radar."

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, Mike. Can you look at the scan on Mrs. Platelet? It looks like she has a right frontal stroke."

Dr. Radar: "Hang on... No, that's not a stroke. That's volume averaging artifact."

Dr. Grumpy: "Really? It looks like a stroke."

Dr. Radar: "No, definitely volume averaging."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, thanks."

I hung up and was a bit surprised. I began writing a note, when a nurse came over to tell me Dr. Radar had just called back looking for me.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Radar: "Yeah, it's me again. Did you say right or left?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Right."

Dr. Radar: "Oh, sorry. The left is artifact. On the right, that's a stroke. Big one, too."