Overheard in Philly

Damn! 18th Century Bitch Slap!

2008-07-20T10:12:00.001-05:00

Woman in Colonial garb, to tourist family walking by: "So, you decided not to have any good looking children?"

Betsy Ross House
Overheard by hibbet

Gotta Justify That Wage Increase Somehow

2008-07-19T05:50:00.001-05:00

(As a SEPTA transit cop with sirens blaring weaves through an intersection)

Passerby: "EVERYBODY OUT OF THE WAY! WE'VE GOT A FARE JUMPER!"

Broad & Montgomery
Overheard by KJM

I Learned It By Watching You Dad!

2008-07-18T05:50:00.001-05:00

Aunt #1: "In Fiji it's not Rice Krispies, it's Rice Bubbles. But the box still has the Kellogs logo on it and everything."

Uncle: "Yeah well that's because Krispies probably means "gay sex" or something in Fijian."

9 Yr Old Nephew: *giggles*

Aunt #2: "He's giggling. I think he knows what gay sex means."

Uncle: "You think? Hey, what's gay sex?"

9 Yr Old Nephew: "It's when two boys make out and kiss and stuff."

Uncle: "Oh my God! I swear- he did *not* learn that from me!"

Backyard BBQ in Bensalem
Overheard by BBQ Bystander

Oversharing Is Hott!

2008-07-17T06:02:00.001-05:00

Guy, hanging out with two women during an apparent afternoon of drinking: "all I know is that I am not married now because a priest touched my balls when I was 13!"

Bishop's Collar in Fairmount
Overheard by just spit my drink out when I heard that

Not Tonight You Don't

2008-07-16T06:05:00.001-05:00

Man: "I love you."
Woman: *laughs*
Man: "You're not supposed to laugh when someone tells you they love you!"
Woman: "You know I love you. Come on."
Man: "Don't you 'come on' me! That's my job! I 'come on' you, all the time!"
Woman: ....

Mexicali, West Philly
Overheard by Claire

Submitted 7.25 Years Later To Protect The Stupid

2008-07-15T06:36:00.001-05:00

(A commotion is brewing among the travel staff, in the cube farm outside my office)

Female #1: I just don't know how we're gonna do that.

Female #2: Well, he has to be there, and we're supposed to arrange it!

(muttering and clicking continues)

Female #1: Oh! I got it! Wisconsin is a _state_!!! Hey!

Me: (walking out to the cubicle area) Ah...is everything okay?

Female #1: I couldn't figure out how Dr. Xx was going to give a talk in Milwaukee and Wisconsin on the same day. But I got it all worked out now....

Me: Ah. (pause to control voice) Good.... That's... That's really great.

Outside my office in the Ayers Building, Spring 2001
Overheard by Rhet

I'm Not Sure You Understand The Concept But I Applaud The Initiative

2008-07-14T05:45:00.001-05:00

2 heavily tatooed dudes (who look slightly better than most homeless people) discussing drugs:

"Nah man, I don't do that shit no more... not for a year. I'm cleaning up my act... I'm on methadone now. But if you take it with the right combination of pills, feels just like H!"

El heading east at 2nd St.
Overheard by MoJunk

Or The Bacardi, Or The Tequilla, Or The Beer Chaser...

2008-07-12T10:41:00.001-05:00

Drunk 30-something New Jersey woman cleaning her puke off the bar at Barclay Prime in Rittenhouse: "I think it was the champagne."

The lounge at Barclay Prime
Overheard by hope she wasn't pregnant

According To Santorum That Is The General Progression

2008-07-11T05:40:00.001-05:00

Guy selling flowers: "Hey you want some flowers for your girlfriend?"
Guy 1: "I don't have a girlfriend"
Guy 2: "I have a boyfriend"
Homeless guy: "I have a dog.....(silence)"

Front & Chestnut
Overheard by cumdumpster69

I Bet The Sixth Circle Of Hell Is Wicked Cool!

2008-07-10T06:35:00.001-05:00

Some guy to his two male friends: "I totally peed on the altar. I thought the best thing to do is to walk backwards really slowly and then I ran. Good thing I had black pants and shoes on"

Abbaye, Northern Liberties
Overheard by Nate

Yet Another Comedian On The Do-Not-Fly List

2008-07-09T06:32:00.001-05:00

18-yr-old black guy to friends (after walking through crowded El corridor): "You know what woulda been an easier way to get through all dem peoples? [pause] A gun! A gun son! Ha HA!"

EL City Hall Station
Overheard by On my way to work

I Believe That Homelessness Is A Binary Situation

2008-07-08T06:28:00.001-05:00

Waitress, flipping through old magazine, points to ad for "Pursuit of Happyness": "I wanted to see that..."

Girl busser: "Oh, it's good but it's sad. He's homeless!"

Waitress: "Yeah, I know that part."

Girl busser, earnestly: "But he's really homeless, it's so sad. Really, really homeless! He's so homeless in this movie! It's sad!"

at work
Overheard by the other waitress

I See Your Three Sons And Raise You Two Daughters With Baby Daddies...And A Chicklet

2008-07-07T06:32:00.001-05:00

Black woman with the Susan Powter hair (shaved with clippers set to 1/2, then bleached white): "But Loretta, I got THREE sons in prison!"

17th and Market
Overheard by MayfairMeat

Chicklet == Female Mullet

But Was He a Real Blond?

2008-07-05T10:30:00.001-05:00

"Listen you blond nigger faggot, be a man and say it to my face."

- Chauvenistic gay man, before being punched in the face, after which he held said faggot halfway out a 2nd-story window over Juniper Street. Others present pulled the black guy back into the building.

Juniper Street
Overheard by Bill W.

No, Happy Fourth Of July!

2008-07-04T07:17:00.001-05:00

Two couples are out together along with an obnoxious fifth wheel who is alone.

Obnoxious dude: "You just said, 'my dad isn't that bad ass, my dad's kind of a pussy.' That's Bullshit, you can't do that bullshit."

Triumph brewery
Overheard by happy fathers day

I Understood This Guy Just Fine. And Chocolate Is NEVER Out Of Season!

2008-07-03T12:33:00.001-05:00

African American & mildly flamboyant Wawa employee responding to a customer's inquiry about Wawa discontinuing their double chocolate muffins:

"'D'aye stop makin' dem and i don't know why. I thinks it's cuz they outta season o' somethin'. Like d'aye can't get da' ingredientz o' somethin'. You know I hads a few choice words for dem. I was like 'AYE! and d'en i called dem all bastards!"

translation:

They stopped making them and I don't know why. I think it's because they are out of season or something. Like they can't get the ingredients or something. You know I had a few choice words for them. I was like 'AYE!,' and then I called them all bastards.'

BTW: Chocolate is not out of season.

36th / Chestnut WAWA
Overheard by team double chocolate muffins

Note from OHiP:
BTW, "Double Chocolate Muffins" is the name of my soon to form Boy Band.

The Definition of 'No News Is Good News'

2008-07-03T06:28:00.001-05:00

Me: "I had to mail my rent check last month, did you get it?"

Landlord, mid-70s, mad-Jewish: "Did you get a note under your door saying, "Where's the fucking rent motherfucker?!"

Me: "No."

Landlord, sweetly: "Then I gotch ya check."

Real Estate Office, Center City
Overheard by Manray Bildenstein

Someone Discovered The Internet Circa 1987

2008-07-02T07:21:00.001-05:00

kid 1 - "I got a comeback for anything anyone could say to me."

kid 2 - "Oh yea? How about 'you ugly'?"

kid 1 - "That's not what your mom said."

kid 2 - "You stupid."

kid 1 - "Not as stupid as your mom."

25 bus
Overheard by mtsbspidey

Someday, If You Are REALLY Lucky, You'll Get To Be Old Too

2008-07-01T21:18:00.001-05:00

Young girl #1: "I hope these people stand up once the concert starts."

Young girl #2: "They won't; they're old."

Young girl #1: "I hate going to old people's concerts."

REM concert at the Mann
Overheard by Younger than Michael Stipe, bitch

Seeing Naked Chicks Gyrating Makes You Think of Gay Sex...I Think Baldy Has Some Issues

2008-07-01T13:26:00.001-05:00

BALD METROSEXUAL: "Y'all like your gay men to be kinda raw & dumpy."

CHISELED METROSEXUAL: "Mmmm. No. I lean toward a chiseled bod and monstrous rod. I mean, if I'm going to go gay, I'm not going to settle for "attainable". I'm shooting for the moon."

Hetero-Strip Club
Overheard by The Wook

Insert Sodomy Joke Here

2008-06-30T07:15:00.001-05:00

Son: "Yo, Mom, can I get these? They're basketball shorts!"

Mom: "Boy, You don't need basketball shorts in prison, you're just gonna put on that orange suit!"

Son: "But what about after I shower?"

Mom: "It's PRISON. Put them back."

JCPenney Outlet, Franklin Mills
Overheard by BestThingIHeardAllDay

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Shit?

2008-06-28T09:13:00.001-05:00

5 year old boy: "Mommy I have to poop."

Mom: "the bathroom's right there sweety."

Boy after pausing for 5 seconds: "Mommy, knock knock""

Mom: "who's there?"

Boy: "Billy*"

Mom: "Billy who?"

Boy: "Billy has to poop."

In line at pizza parlor
Overheard by -S.1T-

That's What I Always Say On My Bra-less Days!

2008-06-27T16:00:00.001-05:00

Guy (who was saving the crispy ends of his soft pretzel for last): "Will someone hold my most tasty parts while I check my cell phone?"

Elfreth's Alley
Overheard by holder
Congrats LadyT!

Honorable Mentions:
Oh, you meant the PRETZEL! Sorry! - Tweedledee
Can I hold the phone instead? - B N
Only if you turn your head and cough - heyitskeiser
...for $100 I can. Wait are you a cop? - -S.1T-

A New Generation Of Fresh Prince Starts Sampling

2008-06-27T06:07:00.001-05:00

little black boy, no more than 8 yrs old, standing in front of the Polar Bear tank, to the polar bear who just swam by: "Welcome to the West side!!"

The Philadelphia Zoo, the glass wall underneath the polar bear exhibit
Overheard by In West Philadelphia, born and raised...

Why Does It Matter Since Your Head Is Obviously Far Up Your Ass?

2008-06-26T06:05:00.001-05:00

Cordial Restaurant Host on phone: "I do have a table available, but it's in our downstairs lounge. Will that be a problem?"

[pause]

"Well ma'am it wouldn't make any sense to sit you in a restaurant without any light."

Xochitl Restaurant
Overheard by Jakarta Worker