~Journey of HOPE~

Four eyes

2011-02-27T00:58:00.000-06:00

I haven't had my eyes checked for a very long time.

Since the school nurse checked them in 6th grade, to be exact.

Never been to an eye doctor. Ever.

So, at my doctor's urging (insert groan) I went.

Just an eye exam, make sure my eyes are healthy.

I have always had 20/20 vision. (according to....my school nurse?)
Nearly 3 hours.
Too many decisions. Which looks better #1 or #2..#1 or #2....holy crap.
Overwhelming.
Eye drops. Eyes dialated. OUCH!!!
Some bad news, something about deposits on my macular (??)
You need to see a "retina specialist". Seriously. Who knew they existed.
I never heard a kid in my class say: I wanna be a RETINA SPECIALIST when I grow up....
Good grief.
End of eye exam, read the eye chart thru clear lenses....uh, seriously?
Flips a prescription in the lenses: V T D F 0!! Woo Hoo!! Amazing!
Fast forward a few days, pick out new frames. (vogue frames, very cute I might add...)
Anti-reflective coating for driving (esp at night) Driving is the worst for me.
Put them on, no big difference. Wth?
Driving home.....I can read the exit sign from billions of miles away!! (slight exagerration)
Look above my glasses, thru my glasses, above my glasses, thru my glasses.....
WOO HOO!!! These suckers are AWESOME!!
They just made my 20/20 vision even better!!
She said something about nearsighted, asthigmatism, not seeing distance...blah blah blah...
So using them for distance, NOW I see a HUGE difference!

My son (who has had glasses since he was a baby): Mom, aren't you afraid your friends at work will make fun of you?

Nope. Don't care. Feel sorry for the people that don't have this new sight I have.

Call me four eyes, old, whatever you want....I don't care.
My new, improved sight is the BOMB I tell ya....

Drive safe

2011-02-02T11:42:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I was leaving work early as we were right in the heart of a full-on blizzard. (seriously)
As I was battling the wind to get up front, I met my EX on the walk.
He looked right at me, pulled his hood off his face and said: "drive safe".
We don't speak.
I don't even make eye contact.
I have to be that way, in order to move on.
I loved this man in a way I can't put into words.
So the only way for me to "deal" with the break up is to be cold. Absolutely no contact.
Two words.
Pretty stupid huh.
Drive safe. Really?
Here's two words for ya: EAT SHIT you cheating, lieing, narcissistic bastard.

I absolutely HATE frozen bread..........

2011-01-24T00:49:00.000-06:00

My baby girl, Marissa, who I like to refer to as "Roo" is a very complex, yet entertaining little 13 year old.
She has ALWAYS been very independent and very inquisitive.
Pretty much from the cut of the cord.
I thought it was normal when she was a toddler to ask alot (so freaking many...) questions.
That's how they learn, right?
So I dealt with alot of "what you doin's?" and "why's" and "how come's?"...
Fast forward to today....13 1/2 years old...still entirely too independent and inquisitive.
Answering a 2 year olds questions does not compare to answering a (way too mature) 13 year old girls questions. Sucks alot of brain power right outta me.
So, as we drove home from my dad's tonight, and as we carried in and unpacked things, and then even after that as she was drowning me in questions, I thought I need to share one of our (too) many conversations.

ROO: Mom, my teeth are growing! Omg they are huge! do you think they are growing? Mom look, do you think my teeth are getting big??
ME: No.

ROO: OMG! I am getting my hair dyed tomorrow and we haven't decided what color! What should I get?
ME: half black, half white.
ROO: Mom! Serious?
ME: no.
ROO: should i get purple?
ME: no.
ROO: should i get bangs cut or (....not sure what she said after this.....I was zoning....wondering if being deaf would really be that bad...)
ME: umm...idk ...
ROO: mom, seriously, which way?
ME: just cut ur bangs, they can always grow back.

ROO: Mom, do you think I'm weird, and be honest...
ME: yes.

ROO: Do you ever look at me and think, man, I wish I had a "normal" daughter.
ME: yes.
ROO: how often do you think that?
ME: at least twice an hour.

ROO: what year were you captain of cheerleading?
ME: 1963.
ROO: Mom! Seriously....
ME: Sophomore, junior, year...(hell I don't freaking know what year she was even born!! Are you KIDDING ME??)

ROO: can I have a peanut butter sandwich?
ME: Yes.
ROO: do you want one?
ME: no, thank you.
ROO: do you think I will be fat when I am grown up?
ME: yes. (sorry, sometimes i just go for the shock factor with her.....)
ROO: should I use the white or wheat bread.
ME: OMG Marissa, I don't care...... (getting frustrated...slightly)
ROO: no, mom I can't decide you have to tell me!!!
ME: white bread.
ROO: but Moooooommm.....I want wheat.
ME: #)($*&)(@*#&$)(*@&#$)(^#%)(*&Q#@()*$&)(

ROO: You know dad gets lots of bread at a time and freezes it.
ME: good for him.
ROO: how come you don't do that?
ME: I don't like bread after it's been frozen.
ROO: why
ME: because I only like it soft and fresh.
ROO: well, Papa RIchard says it you freeze it standing up and all together than it won't lose it's freshness.
ME: (chuckle chuckle)...good for him.
ROO: why u laugh?
ME: because that's freaking dumb.
ROO: Well that's what he said...
ME: just one thing I do not miss about your dad.
ROO: why you say that?
ME: Because I hate frozen bread.
ROO: Do you think you can tuck me in when I go to bed tonight?
ME: idk...(are you freaking kidding me, that is what I LIVE for?!??!)

Ok, now she has the (stupid) sandwich fixed and she's sitting down....I walk thru the room and guess what??
yep.............questions.............
ROO: hey mom?
ME: what......(this must be why perfectly normal 'moms' become drug addicts...)
ROO: If I took a piece of frozen bread out of the freezer and put it in the toaster how long would it take to cook?
ME: 6 minutes.
ROO: serious?
ME: yes, dead serious.
ROO: for real?
ME: yes, for real.
ROO: where u going?
ME: to the bathroom (for some god damn peace and quiet!!)
ROO: am I getting on ur nerves?
ME: (lieing) no, i have to potty.

......3 minutes into me hiding out in the shitter....
ROO: (knock knock) hey mom?
ME: yes, marissa....(OMFG R U KIDDING ME!!!)
ROO: I think I'm gonna go to bed, is that ok?
ME: (OK?? I'm bout to pay you for that!!) Yes, sweetie.
ROO: so r u gonna tuck me in?
ME: yes, I will be there shortly.
ROO: ok. do you love me?
ME: (is it illegal to say NO?) well, of course I love you....

......go to tuck her in...........
ME: smooch, hug, good night sweet girl....I love you!!!
ROO: smooch, gross mom u touched my boob when you were hugging me!
ME: umm...sorry, shut up, good night and i love you.
ROO: mommmmmmm.............(whiney) don't go away mad.
ME: I'm not. I love you. I hope you sleep well. Do you want your door open or shut?
ROO: ummm....just opened a little crack.
ME: ok, night...(exits the room trying not to do the happy dance til I get out of her view)

.................not even 16 f***ing seconds later..............
ROO: OMG, mom???
ME: (teeth can't clinch any tighter) what marissa?
ROO: I forgot I had to rewrite this rough draft before tomorrow!!
ME: (deep breaths....deep breaths.......oh my god, you have jokes God, don't you....you really seriously think this shit is funny, don't you? you just tryyyyyyyyyyy to push me closer and closer to the edge......)
ROO: MOM!? Did you hear me?
ME: yes, write your paper. don't stay up late. shut ur light off when ur done. have a good night.
ROO: ok, you too. It shouldn't take long.
ME: ok.
ROO: hey, mom??
ME: (oh my holy freaking crap I am going to child abuse you right now and I don't even care if the neighbors hear me!!!) What?!?!?!?!
ROO: are you mad at me?

Ok....really? seirously? and people refer to this "person" living in my house as "mini Maggie" are you FREAKING kidding me??? I'm all about learning and being smart, but um, I need some mother f***ing silence once in awhile!! And people wonder why I'm so damn insane!!! Ok, there it is!! Now you know!!

I AM happy??

2010-12-12T08:57:00.000-06:00

I know some of my close friends worry (way too much) about me.
This has been, by far, the toughest year of my life.
That being said, I am in a good place, mentally that is.

I am sick.
I am broke.
I am (somtimes) lonely.

But, strange as it may sound, I'm ok.
I am still recovering financially from my (then) husband leaving.
The financial aspect stresses me quite a bit.
But, aside from that, I am OK.

I have 2 absolutely wonderful children.
I love them.
I have made them my life.
I rarely go out, but I"m ok with that.
I would rather be home, spending time with my kids, or a good book.
The bar scene just isn't my thing.

I have learned to CONSTANTLY concentrate on the positives in my life.

I have learned and changed more in this year than I ever have in my 34 years of life.

I have learned that my friends are MY family.
I could NOT have made it thru this without them.

I am HAPPY.

It's not about you, sir....

2010-12-04T20:18:00.000-06:00

So alot has happened over the last 9 months since my husband split.
We still work at the same place.
And so does his girlfriend....his very pregnant girlfriend.
To explain the drama that has transpired at my job would take too long.
So, I will just say that lots of (horrible) things have been said and done.
It has exhausted me.
And through it all, I have (somehow) managed to be the bigger person, and keep my mouth shut. (which has been a HUGE deal for me)
But, as I sat in a very unexpected meeting yesterday with 3 supervisors and my (asshole) husband sitting straight across from me, being yelled at and belittled by the "big boss", I reached my breaking point.
I did not argue. I did not disrespect. But I had seriously had enough. My silence was going to be broken.
I left that office in tears, crying ( I mean like full-blown-5-year-old-hyperventilating-crying).
Went to my office. Gathered lots of paperwork, emails, memo's (thank God I trusted my instincts and wrote all that crap down). I sat and broke down, REALLY broke down.
And then I cleaned up my face, called my best friend (who is more like my sister) and headed back to see the "big boss".
I just wanted to talk. I just wanted him to listen. I talked. I cried. Not a sad cry, but a MAD cry. I showed every paper, email, memo, everything. Laid it all out there. And I did it for me.
Now, he is a "man" so, of course he didn't "get it". He kept making comments like: "Well I know you feel you need to explain yourself". Or "I know you are worried what I think about you personally and as an employee". Bottom line: It was not about him. In fact, I wanted to say "I don't give a shit about what you think of me, sir". This was for me. And only for me. I had been walked on and ran over so many freaking times in the last year that I had to STAND UP for myself.

He could have fired me, reprimanded me, done anything....It wasn't about that. I just needed to break my silence. I needed to prove that I DID NOT DO THIS and no matter what I DID NOT DESERVE THIS and I wasn't being quiet anymore.

Of course my bestie sitting next to me just gave me strength. And the fact that she was by my side, and that she, too stood up for me (somehow in the 5 seconds I gave her to get her butt up front she managed to show up armed with HER copies of emails and things too) made me feel like I was ok.

For the first time in 9 long months at my job I was ok.

I was strong again.

I was me again.

It was such a relief to get 9 months worth of weight lifted off my shoulders.

Now, don't get me wrong, this "man" did not, of course, apologize for the previous meeting and for yelling at me. But I didn't even expect that. I didn't care if he apologized. I didn't care what he said or thought. It wasn't about him, or anyone else this time, it was about me.

Just MAD

2010-10-19T22:03:00.001-05:00

Today I found out that my husband filed for divorce yesterday.
and that his new girlfriend is pregnant.
5 1/2 months pregnant.
and she has pics of her and him on fb.
with him wearing the shirt i bought him for christmas last year.
and I am crying.
no, more like bawling..for the last hour.
and I am mad.
mad that my life is falling apart.
mad that he keeps getting all the good stuff.
mad that i couldn't fight back my tears.
mad that i am alone.
mad that i have to look at them at work every day.
mad that karma is taking so f***ing long to hit the 2 of them.
Just MAD.

OPEN HOUSE

2010-10-07T20:47:00.000-05:00

It's official.
I'm selling my house.
My HOME.
I have no choice I have to do it.
I hate him for this.
I hate myself for allowing him in my life.
I think that of all the things I"ve lost in my life, this will by far be the hardest to let go.

...try, try again.......

2010-10-06T05:34:00.001-05:00

My mom told me the other night, thru tears, that she feels like she has failed me.

My "bestie" told me a couple days before that she feels she has failed me.

It's very hard to look at myself in the mirror knowing that MY own failures in life have caused hurt to some of the people that I care about more than anything in this world.

My husband cheated.
He left.
My life is turmoil.
I have a crappy disease.
My finances are indescribable.
My "family" is selfish.
My kids' so-called father is not there for them.
I am doing it alone.

But none of the hurt from any of these things compares to the hurt of knowing that I am failing the people I love the most.
The people who don't deserve it.
They are what keeps me going.
THEY are my "family".

They don't know it, but every day I wake up to start another day and "try again".......because of "them".

Is this my life?

2010-09-06T14:44:00.000-05:00

Do you ever just sit back, take a long, hard look at your life and think:

IS THIS SERIOUSLY MY LIFE?????

I am 33 years old......and am seriously in disbelief that this is what my life has become.

Unfreakingbelievable.................

Corporal Narcissist

2010-07-27T20:00:00.000-05:00

I'm sure I will be sorry I told this story
so let me just start by saying, this is about my "husband".
Not the cheating, lieing, heartless, piece of shit that he is,
rather the man I thought I was married to....

One night, shortly after we were married he came in the bedroom while I was reading and said he wanted to give me something. He held up his "dog tags". He had been in the Marines for several years. He went on to tell me that he knows he has been married before, and I was always searching for "first" things to do. (this was kind of hard since I was wifey #4) So, he told me he had never ever even THOUGHT of giving his beloved "dog tags" to anyone else. Ever. But he knew that we were soulmates and was not a doubt in his mind that we were going to be together forever. (that just made me throw-up in my mouth) So, he gave them to me. Told me to keep them forever, no matter what. Even if, God forbid, we ever were apart, there were mine.

I am a total naive dumbass, so of course this meant the world to me. I wore them around my neck to bed that night. I had them hanging on my side of the dresser mirror so I could see them everyday and remember what he had said......

The day I finally got sick and tired of all his CRAP being in my house, the day I finally "let go" and realized I could NOT let him back in my life, (this was somewhere between finding out about girl #2 and #3) I packed all of his belongings.....including the dog tags....and I cried for a long, long, time after I put them in his box.

Yesterday morning I went to work, parked in the same spot I have been parking for nearly 13 years. As I was walking across the parking lot, I walked right by "her" vehicle.....and as I walked by, the sun was glaring off something on "her" windshield....I looked closer, it was something hanging off of "her" rear view mirror.

It was my "husbands" dog tags. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Like day 1 of him leaving, all over again. And then I was mad at myself, for even being the slightest bit shocked, or hurt. But unlike my "husband" I have a heart. I, unfortunately have feelings. My life and marriage to him was not a lie, to me. I walked in, with my head down, praying quietly to myself that maybe something good would happen thru the day, maybe the skirt of her dress would get caught in the sliding doors and rip it off revealing her braless and pantyless, nasty self......And I would very kindly offer her my socks? Or maybe I would just offer to call my "husband" to come help her out....

What I've learned this week

2010-07-24T23:23:00.000-05:00

I have learned alot this week just trying to live life.
Here are a few of my lessons learned:

1. I am SICK of the rain.
2. There are actually still a few good people left in the world.
3. I am not nearly as excited about home renovations as I used to be.
4. A long, hot shower can fix most everything....besides my checkbook.
5. Psych drugs are a MIRACLE.
6. Pecan pie blizzard ice cream cake from DQ is HEAVEN.
7. The "dr's solution" to retaining fluid is to drink more water. ?????
8. Much of my internalized anger comes from women having babies and not being a MOTHER.
9. I have missed late night heart-to-hearts with my dad more than I realized.
10. The most important thing I learned this week: DO NOT take sleeping pills and laxative pills in the same night.......(seriously)

Recipes.....

2010-07-23T21:37:00.000-05:00

So I have like 6,000 recipes (I may be exagerrating a bit) that are all written on....pretty much anything and everything.
post-it-notes
envelopes
bills
napkins
a birthday card (sorry mom)

You name it, if it's able to be written on, it's probably stuffed inside one of my cook books.
But, now my cookbooks are stuffed disturbingly full.
And now I have a stack...maybe a pile, of "recipes".

I always get sidetracked looking for a recipe (which takes for EVER in my unorganized mess anyways).
See, some of these are insanely old. I have the recipe for potato salad, sloppily written on the back of a grocery list. I can still remember talking to my mom on the phone, writing it down. It was when I was with my kids' dad, before we were married. (side note: I also remember we had company over for a bbq that night and they teased me about my "smashed potatoe salad"....yeah, over cooked the tators just a bit) I can't remember what the heck I did yesterday, but I can pour over these recipes reminiscing about who I got them from and who I fixed it for and how many times it took me to perfect it.

I need my very creative friend to help me think of something to do with them....I'm sure she can come up with some thrifty idea with all the thrifty shopping she's been doing... :)

3 months........

2010-06-28T19:25:00.000-05:00

It's been over 3 months since he left.
I thought I would be better.
I thought I would pull it all together by now.
But, instead, I sit and watch as my life falls apart, piece by piece.....

I have books I was so excited to read....
i dont read them
I have a blog I was so excited to write in......
i dont blog
I have new recipes I couldn't wait to try.....
i dont even cook
I was saving money for things I was excited to buy.....
i have no money now

My son hates me.
My daughter is lost without me.
My family is clueless as to what I'm going thru.
I'm losing or on the verge of losing the things I worked so hard for.
I am sad......lonely.........and tired.

I have learned that the only thing worse than being lonely, is being lonely while you watch your husband and his new girlfriend, together, happy, at my job..........

I just want my life back.
I want to read.
I want to blog.
I want to cook.
I want to spend time with my kids. Happy times.
I want my tears to stop and to just be able to breath......
I want to stop struggling. And starting over.

I want the darkness to go away and the sun to come back out.

Family

2010-04-04T18:29:00.000-05:00

This is the 1st Easter ever in my 33 years of life I spent alone.
My kids went with their dad to their Grandmother's.
There's alot of drama going on in my family right now.
Which, given my current circumstances, I have decided to remove myself from.
But it's hard.
My dad was my best friend.
I talked to him daily.
Now we dont speak at all.
Normally my kids and i would be having Easter dinner at my dad's house with my brother.
Not this year.
Not one phone call.
No happy easter or how ya doing.
nothing...........
But, ironically, I'm ok with it.
I figure if it keeps up thru Christmas it will save me a ton of money on gifts. :)
Happy EASTER!

I need you now more than ever..............

2010-03-27T17:17:00.000-05:00

I am hurting.
Worse than I can ever remember hurting in my life.
I am hurting the people I care about the most.
I don't know why.
I used to be so strong.
But I'm tired.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
I don't want to hurt anyone I care about anymore.
I don't want my heart to hurt anymore.
I want my life back. Before him.

IT's not you.

2010-03-24T19:36:00.001-05:00

Why does everyone always use the phrase "it's not you"?
That 's what my husband said, the day after I caught him with the 'other' woman.
"It's not you Maggie, it's me. I'm screwed up".
Well, I'm not gonna argue that point.
But, I read back through emails and blogs, not from him, but from my friends and family.
I write how I'm at my wit's end trying to deal with my son.
What am I doing wrong? "it's not you, Maggie"
Why can't I do ANYTHING right, why does every single thing I touch seem to get screwed up?
"it's not you, Maggie".
I think it's the ghost. You know, when you were a kid and your dad would look at you and your brother and asked: Who spilled the milk, damnit? It was neither of us, of course. So dad would always refer to some ghost we must have living in our house that always did the bad stuff.
So, if it's not me, and it's not them, I must have a ghost.
I am tired of you, ghost. You have haunted me for 33 long years now. Please leave me alone.

We don't want you here.

2010-03-23T20:59:00.001-05:00

My entie life I have felt like a burden or a nuissance maybe, to pretty much everyone.
I have always felt different.
Like I don't belong.........anywhere.
I have never felt loved.
I have never had security.
I thought I had found all of that in my husband.
Deep down, I knew it was too good to be true.
But I just wanted to enjoy it, every last minute of it.
He left me Saturday, for the second time, for yet another woman.
Of course my heart is shattered and all that crap you don't wanna hear about.
But I replay the things he has said to me over and over in my head.
And i realize.
I was a burden and a nuissance to him too.
I let go. I let my walls down. I gave him 100% of me.
And now I feel like the biggest jackass on the face of the earth.
Here I sit, 33 years old, getting ready to embark on the journey of my 2nd divorce.
I know that people just try to be nice, but all the kind things they say just irritate me sometimes.
Not at them for saying them, of course.
"dont worry, you will find happiness"
"you are a beautiful woman, you would be a joy for anyone to have in their life".
you get the point.
If I were this person that they try to convince me I am, I wouldn't be sitting here in this situation. Again.
But here's the thing. It's the same now as when I was tiny.
I don't fit in. Yes, they are my friends and I love them dearly, but they all have their own families and their own lives.
My dad just got custody of his step grandkids. Our relationship is...........non existent.
My brother is married with 2 step kids and a job he spends most of his life at. Our relationship is an email or text here and there.
Just when I got to the point for the first time in my life I was actually comfortable in my own skin.
He took it all away from me.
And here i sit, alone, tired, ugly.
Fighting the urge to give up, but not finding the strength anymore.
Because he is right. I am nothing but a burden.

heart

2010-03-15T23:24:00.000-05:00

I don't want lots of money.
I want my children to be happy and healthy.
I want to succeed at my job.
I want people to see that no matter how tough I act on the outside, I am a complete different person on the inside. HUGE heart. Caring, sensitive. Nothing I wouldn't do for you.
I just want security.
I want when someone stares me in my eyes and promises to be by my side forever, for them to uphold that to the fullest extent, as would I.
I don't want to be lonely.
I don't want to do it by myself anymore.
I want to be happy, content, and loved.
Apparently I just don't deserve it. Or just can't figure out how to keep it.
I live and breathe for my 2 kids. No one else. Nothing else. They are the only 2 things keeping my heart beating.

What am i doing wrong?

2010-03-15T21:06:00.000-05:00

My nearly 15 year old son is acting out.
He has autism/asperger syndrome, blah blah blah.
I have always taken 100% care of him, above and beyond.
He is acting out. At home. At school. Everywhere. Except with his "dad".
I have "stepped it up" recently (or at least I thought I had)
More doctor appointments.
More medicine changes.
Now in therapy.
Talking to the school constantly.
He told me tonight I am the reason his life is miserable.
I know he's just a kid. A special kid.
But words can hurt.
I want and need some support with this so bad I can't even stand it.
I feel alone.
It's affecting my job.
It's affecting my marriage.
It's affecting my daughter.
It is affecting ME. bad.very.bad.
In a perfect world, my spouse would be supportive and non-judgemental of me trying deal with my special needs child.
In a perfect world, there would be some type of support for me.
In a perfect world, I could fix Josh. I have always figured things out. Not working for me this time.
And then there's always the ex, my son's sperm donor.
Always positive and helpful telling me how "shitty and pathetic" i am with my mothering skills.
Just the boost i needed.
I feel like a failure at this point in my life more than any other. and that is saying ALOT.
What am I doing wrong............................

t.i.r.e.d.

2010-02-13T18:40:00.000-06:00

I am tired.

I am hurt.

I am exhauseted from trying.

I just want to be happy.

I just want to be loved.

I just want the security that you will always be here.

I NEED the security that someone will always be here.

I want to quit.

I want to give up.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I don't deserve it.

I don't know how much more I can take.

I don't know how much more my heart can take.

You are ripping me apart, piece by piece.....

I don't even know who I am anymore.

I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't understand.

I just want to be content. Why is it SO much to freaking ask.

What is wrong with me..................

EXCITED!!

2010-02-11T20:43:00.000-06:00

I am SUPER DUPER excited!
Our therapist has set us up with another family that she sees.
They are about our age, and they have a 13 year old son that has Autism/Asperger's.
This probably doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is!
I do not know ANYONE with an Aspie child.
She tells me he has alot in common with my Josh.
He has alot of social skills issues which, in turn, makes it nearly impossible for them to make friends.
So, I am calling the "mom" tomorrow. We will chat. Exchange the boys' phone numbers.
They are going to chat. Hopefully they will hit it off and then we are going to meet for pizza or bowling or something so the boys can hang out and me and "mom" can get some much needed emotional support!
I sooooooo hope that we all CLICK and this is the start of something awesome.
It gets kind of lonely when you have no one that understands what you or your child are going thru.
I have searched and waited for something like this for a very long time.
Keep your fingers crossed for us and I will update soon!!

What's the LAW??

2010-02-09T17:08:00.000-06:00

Does anyone know what, or if, there is an actual "law" about raising kids?
I mean, really?
My kids act like I HAVE to do things.
Like I owe them or something?
I carried them around in my stomach for...ok, well around 8 months.
I have the stretch marks.
I have the sun-dried-raisin boobs.
I have the hips.
I CAN PROVE IT.
They say things like: what's for supper mom? (about 3 seconds after I get home from work)
I say: nothing.
They say: You can't do that, it's the law.
Excuse me? I'm not an attorney or anything but I've never read an official "law" that says: You must feed your children 3 home cooked meals a day.
Have you guys seen this?
They say: Well then why do we have to do what YOU tell us to do?
I say: Um, duh, because I own you!?
They say: You can't own people.
I say: The hell I can't!
And all my war wounds are my receipt. Don't cross me or I WILL exchange you for a cuter, quieter, less hungry one.

IF

2010-02-08T18:02:00.000-06:00

If you read my blog, at all, ever--could you please leave me a comment so I know?
I'm bout ready to give up :( I'm getting lonely.

~HAIR~

2010-02-05T23:40:00.001-06:00

This was my assignment for LAST week. Sorry I'm late, ladies...
I hate my hair.
Most of us do.
Women complain about their hair constantly.
All of us.
If it's curly, we wish it were straight.
If it's thick, we wish it were thin.
But what people don't realize is just how DANGEROUS hair can be.
I'm not exagerratting here.
Don't laugh, it's true.
I have EXTREMELY thick hair.
I call it "horse hair".
TONS of it.
I don't know how I have so much because it falls out constantly.
That's right people, just like a dog, I shed all year round....
There is MY hair on everything.
I mean, really, just stop and think about how much damage one hair can do!
You get a wonderful meal that your tummy has been patiently waiting for....
It looks YUMM-O.....
You lick your lips, pick up your fork, and BAM-----HAIR in your food.
Meal ruined.
Tummy pissed off.
Take today, for example.....
Sitting at work, coworker in my office....
ITCHY back. I mean SERIOUS itch.
Right in the middle.
Can't reach it.
Look like a hormonal monkey TRYING to reach it.
I put lotion on this morning! WTF.
Get home, take shirt off, HAIR stuck on my bra.
Do you see my point here, that ONE stupid hair ruined my ENTIRE day.
My hair is SO annoying, so thick and tough.
It could literally strangle a toddler if manipulated the right way!
My hair could MURDER someone and I wouldn't even know it!
Ok, so you get my point here.
Quit complaining about your hair and realize just how DANGEROUS this situation is.
I say that we all ban together, pull a Brittney and shave our heads.
All the men do it, so why can't we?
Good luck, and PLEASE be careful!

Growing up?

2010-01-24T23:00:00.000-06:00

I remember, way too vividly, how hard it was growing up.

I know you've all heard it, but if I could go back and know what I know now.....wow my life would be different.

Now, I am a mother. I am responsible for 2 little lives. It literally scares the sh** out of me when I sit down and think about it.

When they were babies, I could not wait for the milestones. Hurry up and sit, walk, talk (what the f was I thinking??)

Now they are almost 13 and 15. She is going into junior high and he into high school.

I want to trade places. I want to save them. I know what they are going thru and what lies ahead.

Growing up, especially through the teenage years, is, in my opinion, the worst thing to go thru.

I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to let them go.

As much as I feel bad for them, I am on a pitty potty for myself. How will I live thru the hormones, the peer pressure, the decisions they make when I am not around.

Josh has Asperger's. Will he actually "grow up"?

Roo is so happy, creative, and smart. I want her to stay that way.

She has goals. She is motivated. I don't want boys, or any other stupid teenage thing, to derail her attention.

I had such a hard time growing up. And I am still growing, every single day. I still make mistakes, I still learn from them every single day. I still have days that I want to be 2 and throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming. But I am a MOM now. I have these 2 young people depending on me 100%.

Growing up....yes they are..........way too fast for my liking.......I just want to do a good job. I want to know when they are grown that I can send them into the world with knowledge, morals, and values. I want them to grow up to be happy, healthy, productive, successful people. If I had to be honest, I don't want them to grow up at all. But that's the circle of life and I have no choice. I just hope and pray that I made their extremely difficult ride of GROWING UP just a little bit easier and a tad more fun :)