It's Not Forever, It's Just for Now

REFLECTIONS AT THE END OF MY CHILD'S MINOR HOCKEY CAREER

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 09 Apr 2016 16:18:00 +0000

As I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks and a huge ache in my heart you would think that the world was ending. For those of you that have experienced the end of your child’s minor hockey career you will understand.

Who would have thought that when my 10 year old son bounded in the door one day after school and announced that he wanted to try hockey that in that moment our lives would change forever. Three years ago amid many tears I survived the end of his minor hockey career as he moved on to university. Of course he had a younger sister that wanted to do everything her big brother did. When he started hockey she wanted to start too. Ballet, majorettes and gymnastics could suck it! Year one was the CanSkate program at age 6 before moving on to hockey the following year in novice.

Hockey started out being about figuring out where all the equipment goes on (when the bag was empty I felt triumphant!), watching your kid learn how to stay on two feet while moving forward, and then of course buying her a slushie after the game or practice. Arena slushies are just a big heavenly mess of ice and simulated fruit flavours of sugary delight. A staple really when you become a part of the minor hockey world. The ultimate prize for a young player.

Your local arena becomes like a second home and you feel that sense of hometown pride and comfort just stepping into the rink. The smells and sights and familiar faces are welcoming and warm like extended family. (It is still her favorite rink ever.) The zamboni driver is your neighbour’s nephew, the girl at the snack bar is also your babysitter and the smoker hanging around the front door is somebody’s grandpa.

Then you start to travel around to other arenas in your local area. Then your child’s team starts to go to tournaments where hotel stays are involved. As the years pass these are often outside of the province or even the country. Miles and miles are added to your vehicle. Driving several hours to a game or practice becomes no big deal. You just do it. Your life revolves around those times. A two hour practice gives you time to zip out of the rink and do some speed-shopping for groceries but still watch enough of the practice that you can semi-fake it when your kid asks you, “Mom did you see when I ….” It goes without saying that the amount of groceries purchased on your great escape is limited by trunk space less the number of hockey bags to be crammed into it. When you need a new vehicle you first examine how many kids and hockey bags can fit into it. That and gas mileage are top vehicle requirements.

Team fees start to increase as your child gets older and the level of hockey becomes more competitive.

The cost of equipment rises too but you just keep paying. Somehow the money comes from somewhere but you just don’t take too much time to think about it or you might suffer heart failure. When a stick breaks during a game a little part of you dies inside as the other parents look at you with a pitiful "better you than me" glance in your direction. Don't worry it will all work out in the end. Hockey weekends away become your “vacation” because you don’t have the time or money for anything else. But it’s okay because you love it. Anything for hockey. People outside the hockey world think you are crazy. This is especially true when you parade around in your team colours in the form of a felt ruffle scarf and a cowbell in your hand. Oh and you start to miss work. Days and days of it over the years. You know what I’m saying folks and seriously could we all not write the best excuse book ever? Completely foolproof.

Those hotel stays were just the best vacations weren’t they? Especially if you were the parent on lifeguard duty at the stifling hot pool area. But the kids love the hotel part of away weekends! They could run around the hotel with pretty much no adult supervision and get into all kinds of shenanigans while the parents were doing the same thing. Mini-stick hockey was all the rage in the hallways. Tough luck for the regular guests that may have been mixed in amongst us in the hallway from hell. Now that we are at the end of it all nobody remembers the wins and the losses on those weekends but everyone remembers the time hotel security had to be called because the Moms were getting out of control in Sudbury. Or the time the Dads were lucky to not get deported from Vermont for their crazy high jinks. Or the many times the Captain’s Cup challenge sailed into port and became overly boisterous. Or the time when we discovered two of the quiet Moms were actually closet shooter girls. Oh yeah and the Detroit Hard Rock Café will never be the same.

And oh the shopping we have done! Well the first few years anyway. Until we all finally realized that the malls were sucking about as much money from us as the team fees. Better to just enjoy the delights of the hotel rather than shop every single weekend. No room in the trunk what with all the hockey bags, beer coolers and kids. But we know the malls from North Bay to Mississauga to Rochester to Beantown and back. We could attack those malls between games like no other shoppers. And we had the packing down to a fine art with every nook and cranny carefully filled with all of our crap. Sometimes you might be with one of your hockey wives which increased the shopping bags exponentially. Sometimes it was a blur of hotels and roadside stops with your own husband or someone else’s husband. Ahhh the relationships we have had.

Soon there were summer camps and spring hockey teams and all sorts of other hockey-related training. It became all-consuming but we never really noticed because it was what we did. We lived and breathed hockey quite literally. That unique hockey smell that we all know and love will forever be burned into our nostrils and our vehicles and certain corners of our homes and garages. The spring/summer hockey days when equipment could be dumped outside to dry and bake in the warm sunshine were simply magical.

The memories and stories of our minor hockey years are to be cherished and embellished over time. There were wins and losses to be sure and there were tears of joy and heartache along the way. Friendships were made and yes some girls were lost to other sports, jobs, boyfriends or school itself (gasp). Team mates become best friends and sisters. Our eyes were opened to all sorts of human behaviour including the good, the bad and the ugly. Countless volunteer hours from parents, coaches, trainers, statisticians, managers, website updaters, referees, time clockers, tournament organizers and all manner of things in between have been offered up and accepted gratefully by parents and players alike. Siblings have spent hours being dragged around arenas from coast to coast. What fun we have all had! And now it seems for us it has come to an end.

Although this is the end of minor hockey for us, it is the beginning of the next chapter. My heart is sad but also overjoyed that for the next four years we will still be able to watch her play NCAA division 1 university hockey. So we can still hang on for a while longer. Bittersweet times for us parents. Life as we have known it is taking a dramatic turn. Whatever will we do with all that extra time and money?! Curling? Darts? Perhaps a vacation? Someone said to me recently that now we can have our life back. What does that even mean? This IS our life.

I will always and forever see her seven year old face lit up with excitement for an early morning practice or game, completely ready to go at least an hour before it was necessary to be, yelling at the entire house that we had better get up and be ready to go! All because she just couldn’t wait to step on the ice. The love of the game is part of her. I believe that little girl will always be there, leading her grown-up self on to new adventures as she heads off to university. We wouldn’t want it any other way and will always be right there by her side cheering her on. When she looks up at us in the stands with a smile on her face we will know that all is right with the world and our hearts will rest easy filled with pride and love at this wonderful hockey life.

My daughter played her last minor hockey games yesterday. She scored three goals and got two penalties. Not a bad way to wrap it all up. The last thing I always say to her before each and every game is to work hard and have fun. And she always does. I have been telling her that with a kiss on the cheek before every game since she was seven years old and I told her again yesterday. She is 18 now and I know that as always, she did work hard and she did have fun. So for that, when she gets home from her road trip today, I know exactly what I am going to do. I am going to take her to the local arena and buy her a slushie. Because it was always about the slushies.

I sure hope they have slushies at Boston University…

BORN TO RUN

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 15 Feb 2016 19:42:00 +0000

Run for the Cure - 2013

The year I was diagnosed with breast cancer I had been training to run a half-marathon and since I never got to do it I needed to get that crossed off my bucket list. So when I started running again in the spring of 2011 it was on my mind. Those first few runs of 3 kms were brutal. However, I slowly was able to build up the distance and it actually started to become something I was really enjoying. I almost craved it and with the Nike plus I could track my runs and they would upload to Facebook. As crazy as it seems, the fact that the run total would be posted on Facebook really encouraged me. It was like I was then accountable to something or someone. I mean let’s face it, nobody on Facebook really gives a crap that I was running but it meant something to me. Plus I really did enjoy the encouraging comments I would get. So I kept running and following a program by the Running Room so that I would not get hurt and it would be a gradual build to the final distance.

Run for the Cure - 2012

I had a goal to do the Army Run in Ottawa in September but when I tried to register it was already sold out. The next run was a bit too far away time-wise and hockey season was starting up which of course meant I would have less time to devote to running. The shorter runs are fine but the long runs on the weekends were a couple of hours. So one day it occurred to me that I did not need to sign up and pay to do an organized run. Really I just wanted to do the distance. I didn’t need a medal or any other acknowledgement. I just wanted to do it. So, when I got to the end of my training program I just did it! I set out on a late afternoon on September 25, 2011and I ran 22kms! Man it felt sooooooo good to finally do it! When I got back home I rang the victory bell loud and proud! It was such an amazing feeling of accomplishment and I was smiling from ear to ear. Then I sat in the hot tub and let it all sink in. I was pretty darn proud of myself. My forty something body that had endured surgeries and chemo and radiation and medications that caused me to not be able to hardly move and now I had made a comeback! I wanted to enjoy that amazing feeling for as long as I could.

Run for the Cure - 2012

So after the ½ marathon I took a break for a little while. Not for long though because in October Tasza and I had signed up to do the Run for the Cure for Breast Cancer in Ottawa. We raised $2,000 between us and the support from friends and family was amazing. I was really excited to be doing this run with my daughter by my side. Since most participants wear crazy pink outfits, I did a bit of shopping for us too. We ended up with pink and gray toques with long ears, our run t-shirt, pink short shorts over running shorts with knee high pink socks. Tasza was a bit concerned and kept asking me, “Are you SURE that there will be other people dressed like this?” Since I had done the run before when I was in treatment, I knew what to expect. Although during treatment I had to walk most of the way, this time I was going to run the 5 kms.

Run for the Cure - 2011

The day of the race was quite chilly but we still went in our shorts. There were nearly 10,000 people at the run and the atmosphere was so exciting! Tasza seemed really happy to be a part of it with me. We ran side by side the whole entire way and we talked and laughed and huffed and puffed. Then about 1 km before the end she says to me with a grin, “Wanna pick it up a bit?” I think we sprinted the rest of the way! When we neared the finish line both sides of the road were lined with supporters cheering and clapping and encouraging the runners! Especially those of us wearing the race shirts designed for survivors. I looked at my beautiful, young, healthy daughter and she grabbed my hand and we lifted our arms to the sky and ran across the finish line together. I will remember that moment for the rest of my life. I hoped with all my heart that she would never, ever have to go through what I did.

In subsequent years Mike and Alex also joined us for the Run for the Cure. The support from my family has always been my source of strength each and every day. I must admit that hockey and other activities sort of took over most of our time these past few years and walking has become more of my thing. However, who knows I might get back into running again one day. As long as I keep moving!

Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen

SHE BLINDED ME WITH SCIENCE

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 31 Jul 2015 23:58:00 +0000

When I arrived at my appointment I really had no idea what to expect so of course I was feeling a bit anxious. The genetic counsellor that I met was so nice and really put me at ease. She reviewed my personal and family history that I had previously submitted and noted that it was suggestive of a hereditary type of cancer. She explained to me about hereditary cancer and genetic testing.

What I learned is that there are genes called BRCA1 and BRCA2 (breast cancer 1 and 2) that are part of a class of genes that are considered tumor suppressors. These genes help to prevent uncontrolled cell growth. Sometimes these genes could have a mutation and these mutations have been linked to the development of hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. They are identified as being the cause of a proportion of the inherited cases of cancer. The inherited gene only accounts for 5-10% of all breast and ovarian cancer. So, contrary to popular belief, the majority of cancer cases are not hereditary.

Once all of this was explained to me I had to make a decision whether I would go ahead with the testing or not. I chose to do it. For my part, all that was involved was the lab taking several vials of blood. The blood samples would then be sent for testing to the molecular diagnostic laboratory. The counsellor explained to me that the folks in the lab would be looking for a mutated BRCA1 or BRCA 2 gene. To make it easier, she said it was kind of like looking for a typo in a rather large book. This was a lot of tedious work and the results would not be available for about three months. All I could think about was some poor dude in a lab coat looking at my blood under his microscope. For three months. Yikes.

So this appointment turned out to be a crash course in molecular genetics with talk of genes, chromosomes and cells. I had flashbacks to biology in high school. My brain was trying to take in all of the information and I was feeling a bit like a total idiot. I asked questions though and surprisingly I retained some of what was explained to me. The genetic testing has three possible results including 1) mutation detected; 2) no mutation detected; and 3) an uncertain variant. That last one is that a gene mutation is identified but that it has not yet been described and additional studies would be required.

In September I went back to the genetics department to find out the results of the testing. I found out that I did NOT have a mutation in my BRCA 1 or BRCA2 genes. Great news! Okay on one had it was great news because I did not have to worry about being the one to pass this on to my children. However, it would have explained the “why me?” question somewhat. Top priority is my kids so I could not have asked for a better result.

My Sisters-In-Law - Easter 2015

I was told that there is still a possibility that I could carry a mutation in these genes that the current testing is not able to identify. Or I could carry a mutation in another gene that is yet undiscovered but that has a role in the development of cancer. Also I was told that the breast cancer I had could be simply random and not genetically related (no pun intended) at all. Some cancers are familial rather than hereditary. This means that perhaps an entire family could develop cancer simply by virtue of their place of residence and proximity to one another. Maybe there was something in the soil where their home was built that caused it. Who knows? Most cancer is caused by a combination of factors which could be environmental or any number of other influences that we are exposed to in our lifetimes. I was warned that there is still an increased risk of breast cancer for Tasza and that screening will always be important including monthly self-exams, clinical breast exams and mammograms. These should start at 10 years before the earliest diagnosis in the family but not usually before 30 is the recommendation. Obviously as time goes on and technology advances, this will be adapted.

Just before the session was over I was asked about participating in a research study. My reaction was of course! Why not? Anything to help future generations and anything to work towards a world with no breast cancer. No cancer at all. After all, I had this for a reason and if that reason is to help others then for sure sign me up! I left the appointment with a spring in my step and a smile on my face.

She Blinded Me With Science - Thomas Dolby

FAMILY AFFAIR

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 08 Jul 2015 22:53:00 +0000

At one of my oncology appointments I asked about genetic testing out of concern for my daughter and possibly for myself to try to figure out the answer to the big “why me?” question. She told me that she would most certainly recommend me for the testing which I was very happy about. In the past I had been told that if your mother, sister or aunts had a history of cancer then it would be recommended but nobody had ever asked about my Dad’s family. Funny because it took two parents to make me.

My Mom did not have cancer but my Grandma did develop uterine cancer in her eighties and I have a few second cousins that also had various types of cancer. However, my own father had prostate cancer and he has four sisters of which three had a combination of breast, ovarian and uterine cancer. I guess that set off some alarm bells for the oncologist and the referral for the testing was submitted. Hereditary cancer is normally found in families where several members from different generations develop cancer or where it happens at a young age (less than 50).

Tarnowski Family - Fall 2014

The main purpose of the genetic testing was to determine if there might be an inherited predisposition to cancer in my family. It is such a common disease now but only a minority is due to an inherited predisposition. I received the information that I needed in the mail and the first step involved a great deal of paperwork. I had to complete a questionnaire with detailed questions about my family members. This was information that I did not know so I had to seek help from my Dad and from my Mom’s sister, my Aunt Georgeanne. I even had to get consent forms signed by my aunts to allow their health records to be disclosed. It took some time and some research but I finally got all of the information together. Holy crap! I could not believe how much cancer was in my family history! I knew about a few of my relatives but not all of them. I guess it was something that I never paid attention to when I was younger or maybe it was just never talked about.

Tarnowski Family - Summer 2004

It turns out that in addition to my Dad, I also had cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles that had suffered with cancer. The types of cancer included breast, prostate, uterine, skin, colon, pancreatic, brain and throat. I couldn’t believe it! How could I have not known about all of this? I had thought that cancer was not really in my family. Boy was I wrong!! I finally got all of the paperwork submitted and got a call for my appointment.

Now I just had to wait for a few weeks.

Family Affair - Mary J. Blige

THE CLIMB

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 00:28:00 +0000

Partway through the summer of 2011 I made a decision to join my friend, Dawn, and her husband and do a triathlon. I was not sure about it but after a couple of glasses of wine I went online and signed up! The race was a “try-a-tri” which is a short version of each of the swimming, cycling and running. Basically just to try out a triathlon to see if it was something I would enjoy doing. I decided I better get my old bike out and take it for a spin. So I continued running, swimming and biking whenever I had time.

I wasn’t sure about this but I knew that it was something that I had always wanted to try. Encouragement from Dawn to sign up really helped because I am not sure if I would have gone on my own. Before I knew it the race day had come and I found myself in the St. Lawrence River waiting for the gun to go off to start the race! What the hell was I thinking? It was a cold and rainy day and I was so nervous on the drive to the race.

I finished the swimming portion and climbed out of the river out of breath and with shaky legs and arms. We had quite a way to run to our bikes and then had to get shoes on in the rain. I hopped on my bike and away I went. I am not very fast on my bike but I was determined to stay steady and finish. After the cycling portion I hit the road running and although I was tired I knew I could finish and that I wouldn’t be the last one! Doing that race was one of the most rewarding things I have ever done! It was hard at the time but afterwards it felt amazing! I did a freakin’ triathlon! Woohoo! I crossed that off the bucket list.

Later on near the end of the summer I had the opportunity to go out to Vancouver for work. It was fantastic because I got to spend some time with my dear friend Vicky. We had an absolutely amazing time together and I tried two more new things. Sea kayaking was something I had never done before and I just loved it.

The other thing we did is called the Grouse Grind. It is a 3 km trail that goes up the face of Grouse Mountain. Some refer to this as “Mother Nature’s Stairmaster”. It certainly was challenging and takes on average about one and a half hours to complete the hike. Beginners about two hours. Although it was pure hell I enjoyed it. I kept thinking back to the times that I couldn’t climb the stairs in my own house because of the chemo and that was more than enough encouragement to keep me going. The feeling of coming out on top of the mountain was one of the most incredible things I have ever experienced. Later as Vicky and I sat on the mountain top patio drinking beer and munching on chicken wings we watched people arriving by gondola and we looked at each other and said at the same time, “What a bunch of slackers!”

These experiences are things that make me feel so proud of myself and so thankful for my health and for my friends. Sharing these moments with dear friends just adds so much to the memories and makes the climb so incredibly rewarding.

The Climb - Miley Cyrus

IT'S MY LIFE

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 00:35:00 +0000

My Friends - Manitoulin Island - 2011

There is something I love about every season. Spring is one of my favorite times of the year. In the late spring of 2011 I got to spend a long weekend with my FPU besties! We went to a friends cottage and had an absolutely fantastic time. It was pretty cold but we bundled up and still sat outside and had a few cocktails. We ate and sang and laughed so much. One afternoon we sat in the hot tub and drank champagne and then decided to run and jump in the lake. It was freezing cold and I seriously think there was still ice on the lake. But then of course we did it a second time anyway! Such a fun weekend. I love our get togethers. Plus it was so wonderful to feel normal again!

Summer is another favorite time of year for most Canadians. We tend to soak up every

Family Reunion - St.Sauveur - 2011

ounce of sunshine we possibly can. I love to be outside and especially near a lake, a pool or the ocean. I love spending this time with my family and friends but I am also very content to enjoy some solitude with a good book. The summer of 2011 was one full of all sorts of adventures. We kicked it off with our annual Tarnowski family weekend which was in Saint Sauveur in Quebec that year. It was amazing!

We also made a few road trips to the U.S. and to my Dad’s place on Manitoulin Island. One trip we made was down to Buffalo, N.Y. for my daughter to attend a hockey training camp at the university. For the week she was there Mike and I rented a cottage on Lake Erie and had some time alone for the first time in many, many years. We went golfing, swimming, cycling, shopping, and visited wineries too. At night we watched old movies that we picked up at Target and laughed and played cards. It was amazing to just be the two of us and find out that we still really like to be together, just us two.

Presque Isle State Park, Erie, Pennsylvania - 2011

Later in the summer we went to Manitoulin and had some more cottage adventures. This time it was four couples and the weather was very, very hot. Perfect to be at the beach by the lake with good friends. I will never forget that night. We had a great day in the sun followed by a fantastic dinner and lots of wine. We made a campfire on the beach and the stars were all out and we had music playing and somehow somebody had glow sticks and we all had some and we sang and danced barefoot in the sand like a bunch of crazy kids. I felt completely content and young and carefree that night. The next morning I felt pretty awful but hey, it was worth it.

All of this to say that life is full of adventures! It doesn’t always have to be an expensive month-long African safari in the Serengeti. It can be a day trip to a local park to do a hike and have a swim. Or it could be a walk around the block or a trip to the grocery store. Whatever it is just soak it all in and take the time to notice all the little sights and sounds and smells along the way. Sharing your adventures with people you enjoy being with adds another element to the adventure but don't be afraid to venture out on your own either.

It's My Life - Bon Jovi

SHAKE IT OFF

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 04 Mar 2015 01:18:00 +0000

Summer 2011 - Lake Erie, Pennsylvania

Early in the summer of 2011 I made a trip to the cancer centre for a check up. I finally got up the guts to ask my oncologist some questions that often pop into my mind but then I push them away. I am never sure if I want the answer or not. One question I had was about the medication I was on. I needed to know how much longer I would have to take it. The oncologist reminded me that when I first came to them I had a very aggressive cancer that they treated first with chemo. It was probably far worse than I knew at the time. Anyway, he was not comfortable with me going off the medication for at least another five years and then we would revisit things. To hear someone say it out loud and remind me of how aggressive the cancer was kind of threw me off and shook me up.

Summer 2011 - Lake Huron, Ontario

Then I asked that since I could no longer have a mammogram because I did not have my “real” breasts anymore and since I had had a hysterectomy, what things should I be looking for to check if the cancer had come back? I was told to look for things that were out of the ordinary or a cough that wouldn’t go away or just a feeling I might get that something was not right. Also, I asked that for breast cancer survivors, if the cancer was to come back, where would it likely occur? I was told lungs, liver and bones. Holy crap! That was pretty scary.

By the time I left the cancer centre I was a mess. I managed to get out of the building and to the parking garage and as soon as I got in the stairwell I totally lost it. I could hardly see I was crying so hard. I was shaking uncontrollably and somehow made it to my car. Finally I called Mike and could not stop crying. I had just had the most incredible realization hit me and it hit me hard. This f*cking cancer was never going to be completely gone!! No matter how much I ran, or swam or laughed or travelled or whatever – it was always going to be there. Always hanging over my head. Always possibly just around the corner. When I finally got it together I just decided that I would not let this get to me. I was going to continue living my life and enjoying each day to the max and trying new things and loving my husband and my kids and spending as much time with my family and friends as possible. I would be healthy and strong and push that dark cloud away until it was nothing but a tiny little speck. I choose not to live my life worrying about dying. I just had to shake it off.

Shake It Off - Taylor Swift

I LIKE TO MOVE IT!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 31 Jan 2015 19:22:00 +0000

2011 started out with all good things. I was feeling good and ready to take on the world! After the switch from Arimidex to Tamoxifen my body just seemed more able to take on new things. Plus my mind was clearer and I felt that I could now do so much more. My new mantra became “sure I’ll try it!” I was also feeling much better about my appearance. The weight and puffiness was gone and my hair was long again! I could feel it blowing in the wind and I could tie it back into a ponytail and I could use a straightener or a curling iron and I could feel it brushing against my back. I had brand new hair which was a nice change from bald. Much more work but I was not going to complain!

Ready for hockey - 2011

Since my whole family was playing hockey, I figured if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So I did. I took a few more hockey lessons and then was asked if I was ready for the ladies league in our town. I wasn’t ready but I thought what the hell. No time like the present. So I away I went. I was really nervous the first night but I knew most of the ladies so they made me feel comfortable. Every time I would get all the gear on I would check if my hockey bag was empty to be sure I had everything on somewhere. I might not have it on in the right spot but I was wearing it somewhere! I hoped that my skating would improve since I had never used hockey skates before. I could skate okay with figure skates but this was a whole new ball game. I also tried to get out to public skating once in a while to practice a bit. Anyway, it was so much fun playing and I laughed so much that it really didn’t matter how crappy I was. I just did my best and had a blast.

Swimming in Lake Huron - Summer 2011

Then I decided to get back into swimming. I was a competitive swimmer when I was in elementary and high school and have always loved the water. There was a swimming pool near my office so I was able to start going a few times a week and it felt incredible! I had forgotten how much I loved, loved the feeling of gliding through the water. I had tried to swim a couple of years before and I could not do it. I had no strength in my arms and upper body. I remember getting out of the pool and crying because I just could not hold myself above the water to swim. It seemed I would never be back to the point where I could swim. But now I was stronger and before too long I was swimming about 70 lengths of a 25m pool each time I went. The first time I attempted to swim butterfly I could manage only half of a length and then I built up to being able to do four lengths in a row. One day, the day that I finally did a full length, I got to the other end of the pool and when I touched the wall I let out a loud whoop because I was so happy that I had done it! I didn’t realize how loud I had whooped until I saw that the lifeguard had jumped up and was ready to pounce and make sure I was okay.

5 km run with Tasza - Spring 2011

When the weather started to warm up I turned to running again. I have always enjoyed running. All you need are some good shoes, some music and away you go. Running was my time to just zone out and enjoy my surroundings or clear my head or think about something I needed to sort out. Whatever my mood was I always felt better after a run. I might be in pain the next day but that was okay. My power song is of course, “Run for Life”.

Golfing in Pennsylvania - Summer 2011

My next challenge was going to be the golf course. I decided that I wanted to take a few lessons and get out to the driving range and the golf course as much as I could. Golfing was something that I had only done a handful of times and I wasn’t very good at it. I wanted to feel more comfortable and less like the worst player in the world. I took a few lessons with a friend from work and we also went to the driving range a time or two during our lunch break. So after that we were pros of course! Ok so I will never be a pro but I do try to get out a few times in the summer and I now feel comfortable enough to get out to the driving range on my own to hit a bucket or two.

So yeah you could say “I like to move it”!

I Like To Move It - Madagascar

ROAM

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 07 Dec 2014 00:48:00 +0000

In 2010 life got pretty much back to normal. Whatever normal was now. The kids were both busy with guitar and hockey and Mike too was playing hockey. Soon I would have a turn too.

Family Weekend-Sunday River, Maine, USA-2010

I started having incredible pain and stiffness again and it seems it was due to the Arimidex medication that I was taking. I got pain in my bones and feet and hands. My oncologist decided to try me on something else called Tamoxifen. I had heard of this and the name scared me. I had a bad feeling that this was not going to go well. However, after taking the Tamoxifen for a while I actually started to feel better! The pain started to go away and I could sleep better too. My appointments with the oncologists were now happening every six months.

Since I was feeling better and could move my arms and legs without that stiffness that the Arimidex was causing, I started doing boot camp and running a bit. Also, I decided to take some adult hockey lessons. Wow. What a horrible player I was. I had never skated with hockey skates in my life so the move from figure skates was quite a challenge. I really enjoyed it though and looked forward to my lessons each week. My hope was to play in the league with the ladies eventually. I wasn’t quite ready for that yet though.

At work I was offered an interchange position for two years at a new organization so I decided to try it. I needed a change and this seemed like a good fit for me. I figured it was good for me to try something different and enjoy a fresh start.

Mike in Europe-2010

It was a busy spring with this new job and with Mike and Alex travelling to Europe for the memorial service for my father-in-law. They were returning his ashes to the family burial site in Poland and a memorial service was also planned. Alex was going to carry the urn with the ashes into the church in the procession with the priest. He had quite a year with this and being a pallbearer for his Great Grandma.

Alex in St.Andrews, NB-2010

We took advantage of the fact that everyone was healthy and really embraced getting away and enjoying life. It was a summer of more travel and family adventures. We had our usual Tarnowski family gathering in the early summer in Maine and then took a family road trip to the east coast of Canada. It was fantastic to be all together and we did some memorable things like whale watching and Mike and the kids went kayaking. I didn’t feel like my arms were ready for that yet so opted out of that adventure unfortunately.

Tasza & I in Punta Cana-2010

We capped off the year with a family trip to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. This was the first time our kids had been to the Caribbean and Christmas was a good time since we were all off work and school. Plus I sadly didn’t have my Grandma to visit anymore so we decided to say to heck with Christmas shopping and cooking and entertaining and being crazy busy and just made a decision to get some last minute tickets and away we went. It was amazing! The kids loved it and we really connected. These times away with just the four of us are the most precious memories to me and I will cherish them forever.

Roam - The B-52's

O SOLE MIO

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 04 Nov 2014 00:23:00 +0000

At the International Cancer Control Congress.

In November of 2009, I was doing some work with the Canadian Cancer Action network and I was very fortunate to attend the International Cancer Control Congress. This in itself was fantastic but the location of the conference was a dream come true! It was being held in Cernobbio, Italy at Lake Como. I was going to travel with my friend and colleague and since it was a once in a lifetime kind of trip for us we decided to stay an extra few days and do a bit of travel.

View from the ferry on Lake Como.

We arrived in Milan and travelled north to Cernobbio on Lake Como. It was such a beautiful place! Even in November. We loved it right from the start. There were fancy restaurants, charming hotels, beautiful shops with incredible clothes and extremely expensive shoes. And the scenery was spectacular!

Sights along the way to Bellagio.

The beauty of Bellagio.

The first day we got through the jet lag and explored the area. Then we attended the conference for the duration and it was so interesting. The workshops we participated in were so informative and I found it incredibly interesting to see that in so many cultures there was still a stigma attached to those living with cancer. I sure took away a lot of information from this conference.

Evening ferry arrives.

After the conference ended we decided to skip the city of Milan and take the ferry up Lake Como to Bellagio instead. This was one of the most beautiful days with lots of sunshine, amazing scenery and Bellagio itself was just incredible. When we left Cernobbio we took the train through the mountains to Zurich in Switzerland and stayed there for a couple of nights. This was just an unbelievable trip and we saw so many beautiful places. We were good travel companions and had lots of laughs.

There were so many things I loved about Italy and Switzerland. Food portions were smaller, we ate later in the evening, we did not walk around with extra-large coffees instead we sat down and enjoyed a small cup and then moved on. I discovered Limoncello. And we stopped by the gelato place at least twice a day so that we could try all the flavours before we left.

Zurich, Switzerland.

It was an amazing time of learning and living and discovering. I absolutely love to travel and experience new places. Travel creates memories to reflect on whenever you might be having a bad day. You can just close your eyes and transport yourself pretty much anywhere in the world.

O Sole Mio - The Three Tenors

FIX YOU

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 02 Oct 2014 11:42:00 +0000

One day I decided to sit down and write a thank you letter to all of the doctors that had helped me along the way with this breast cancer experience. This included my family doctor, the surgeon that did the bi-lateral mastectomy, the medical oncologist, the radiation oncologist, my ob-gyn that did the hysterectomy and the surgeon that did the breast reconstruction surgery. I am thankful for each of them and grateful to have such good caregivers available to keep me alive. I would like to share this letter with you. (I have not used their names.) Please thank all of your health care providers every chance you get!

This letter is to thank all of you for taking such great care of me during my breast cancer experience. Your expertise, together, has no doubt saved my life. I wanted you all to know how much your contribution has made to my life throughout this process and now as I am finally able to consider it all in the past.

Dr. Family Doctor, in August 2006 when you delivered the news to Mike and I that the biopsy results confirmed the presence of cancer, our life changed forever. I imagine that as a doctor it must be a difficult thing to do. However, the manner in which you told us was very much appreciated and you always have such a caring way of speaking. As our family doctor since we moved to Ottawa in 1990, it meant so much to us that you chose to deliver this news to us. Also, when I was admitted to the hospital in December 2006 with neutropenia, I was touched to receive a phone call from you checking up on me. I was grateful to have you in my corner.

Dr. Surgeon, we knew within the first few minutes of meeting you that we were in good hands. Literally. You made us feel very comfortable, you did a great job of alleviating our fears, you explained options to us very carefully and you always maintained a positive, but honest, outlook. The original option, based on the mammogram and biopsy results, to perform a lumpectomy followed by radiation was not to be. Your decision to order an MRI changed everything. I will be forever grateful to you for that. If not for the MRI results leading to the next step of chemotherapy, mastectomy and radiation, I might still have cancer. I also appreciated your acceptance of my decision to have a bi-lateral mastectomy for my own piece of mind to be sure that I did everything in my power to prevent the cancer from returning. The same goes for the hysterectomy suggestion after learning that the cancer I had was hormone positive.

Dr. Oncologist, your conversation with Dr. Surgeon (while I was in his office) and recommendation to have chemotherapy immediately and surgery afterwards, was very comforting. It made me feel that we were moving into attack mode and doing whatever was possible to prevent the spread of the cancer. Since you agreed to see me that same week, without an appointment, it was both scary but comforting at the same time. I felt like I was going to be looked after very well and that someone really cared about my situation. After meeting you, I remember Mike saying that under different circumstances you would be a great guy to sit down and have a beer with! Obviously you made us both feel comfortable. You continued to do so at each and every visit.

Dr. Radiation Oncologist, the first time meeting with you made me smile. I love your accent and appreciate the way you explained things to me so meticulously. The radiation treatments that I received added to my piece of mind that I was doing everything possible to prevent this cancer from coming back. I appreciated that you let me make this decision but that you explained the process and reasons for it so that I could make a well-informed choice.

Dr. Obstetrician-Gynecologist, you have been with me since my son was born in 1995 and my daughter in 1998. I always felt well-cared for by you. Having a hysterectomy was another decision that I felt was necessary on the path to prevention. You accepted this with no problem at all and made me feel totally at ease with this choice. My friends teased my about my “weight-loss plan” that involved removing body parts periodically. I thank you for being there when my children were babies and for the hysterectomy so that I can be here when they have babies.

Dr. Reconstruction, when I attended your presentation on breast reconstruction I knew right away that I wanted to have this procedure and that I wanted you to do it. You noted that no woman deserves to go through breast cancer and your commitment to help restore survivors to a feeling of “completion” really struck me. I am grateful for your sense of humour and for putting me back together. I finally feel, for the first time since August of 2006, like I am back from “cancer world”.

To all of you, although I have scars and side-effects, the biggest impression on me is the dedication, skill, commitment, kindness, compassion and remarkable team of doctors that contributed to my being here in good health to write this thank you letter. Finally, after three years, I am feeling great and as much like my old self as I have ever felt. This is because of all of you individually and collectively as part of an amazing team. I am fortunate to have had you all on my side every step of the way.

Of course I would be remiss if I didn’t mention a HUGE thank you to all of the wonderful nurses, technicians and other healthcare professionals that always provided quality care with a warm smile. Whether it was the nurses in the chemo room, the porters moving stretchers around, the appointment schedulers, the radiation technicians, the receptionists, the nurses and interns in the operating rooms, I must say that everyone contributed to my well-being at some point along the way. I am blessed to live so close to the Ottawa Hospital and Cancer Centre.

So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have all done for me and for my family. If you ever have a bad day, think of people like me that are so very grateful to you. Think of my husband, my children, my father, my family and friends. What you do, every day, provides us all with hope, inspiration and a healthy future.

With heartfelt thanks.

Fix You - Coldplay

FOREVER YOUNG

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 05 Sep 2014 11:35:00 +0000

Clara E. Slomke (aka Grandma)

It’s been 5 years since I lost my beloved Grandma. The summer of 2009 was a wonderful time and also a sad time. After our grand adventure to western Canada and back through the US, my dear Grandma fell ill and asked to be taken to the hospital. At the age of 99 she was still living on her own and had always been quite healthy however she had developed pneumonia and things did not look good. So we took off immediately for the 8 hour drive back to Manitoulin Island to be with her.

Although the doctors said that the day and night before they thought they were going to lose her, when I got there she seemed like her old self. She was talking and laughing and telling me she needed to get her hair done and wanting to know what Victor had been up to on the Young and the Restless. The family had gathered and we all had some time alone with her. I had already told my Grandma many times how much I loved her and how awesome she was and how lucky I was to have her for a Grandma. We were always very close and after my Mom passed away we got even closer. This day was so hard and I could see that she was fading. She kept telling us all to go home to bed. She was really insistent. We all said our goodbyes. I hugged her so tight and told her that I loved her and that she could stop fighting and go to see her daughter (my Mom) and her husband that she had missed so terribly for so many years.

Me, my brother and our Grandma

She passed during the night and I left the hospital feeling empty and sad. On the drive from the hospital in the early morning hours during that time when it is not totally dark anymore but not quite light, I saw something up ahead on the side of the road. I slowed down and looked right into the eyes of a wolf. It was incredible. I have never seen a wolf by the roadside like that. It was not scared or angry. It just looked peaceful and sad. We made eye contact for what seemed like forever and then it slowly turned and walked back into the forest. I felt an incredible peace wash over me. My Grandma had said a special goodbye. We had always had a pact that whichever one of us died first we were going to give the other a sign that we were okay. I got mine. I cannot explain how this felt and you might think I am making this up but I’m totally not. After what seemed like time standing still I started driving. Moving forward into my life without my precious Grandma.

My daughter & her Great Grandma

We somehow got through the next few days and all of a sudden the funeral was about to begin. My Grandma had asked me years before to do her eulogy when the time came. I was honored. However when I actually had to write something I wanted to be sure that I could do her justice and make her proud. Funny that usually when old people die it is sad but expected. It never seems quite as tragic as when a younger person dies. However, she was 99 and had been in so many people’s lives for so long that to not have her around was going to be a huge adjustment. She was still living on her own and smart as a whip and sharp as a tack! So even at 3 months shy of her 100^th birthday it was still a shock for everyone who loved her.

My son & his Great Grandma

My Grandma lived a long and wonderful life. She was loved by many. I, for one, admired her. I think she was a truly amazing woman and I miss her terribly. I feel so blessed to have had the good fortune to call her Grandma. She gave me so many gifts, memories, stories and smiles. I am thankful for this. She taught me so very many things that she herself probably never intentionally planned to teach but did so more by example. She taught me about independence, strength, relationships and balance. These are things that have been inspirational to me and that have helped guide the choices in my own life and the way I handle each new challenge.

Me & my Grandma. Best ever.

Forever Young - Rod Stewart

LIFE IS A HIGHWAY

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 13 Aug 2014 01:45:00 +0000

My Family - Lake Louise, Alberta - 2009

When our kids were born we had four trips that we wanted to experience with them including Disneyworld, the Canadian Rockies in the west, the east coast of Canada and Poland. We did Disney the summer just after I found the lump. The summer of 2009 was the big western adventure!

We had one month to do the trip. We planned to drive through Canada and come home through the US. I had been dreaming about this trip. It brought back memories of when I was a kid and my family travelled with our camper. I was hoping it would give our kids the same kind of good memories. We borrowed a tent trailer, packed way more stuff then we needed, planned out a route, got a bunch of maps and we were off!

The first night of the trip was not top promising. When we finally got everything set up, we got attacked by mosquitos bigger than anything I have ever seen, it was rainy and cold, lightning and thunder added to the rain and then there was a bear or two wandering around the campground. Mike was tempted to park the tent trailer for the month and pick it up on the way back in four weeks. We trudged on though and the trip turned out to be amazing! Except for several rainy days, the only thing that was negative was the extreme stiffness I was getting in my legs, feet and hands. This was all due to the side effects of the medication I was taking called Arimidex. After spending several hours sitting in the truck it was all I could do to stand and then walk whenever we would stop. I lived with the pain and just tried to put it out of my mind and focused on the scenery and experiences we were having together. I will never forget that summer. It was incredible.

My Son - Top of Fairview Mountain
Lake Louise, Alberta-2014

One of the highlights was visiting the Chateau Lake Louise in Alberta where Mike and I first met. That is where our life together started that brought us to present day with our two beautiful children and our solid friendship, mutual respect and love. The love of my life. To share this beautiful place with our children was amazing. If you have never heard of Lake Louise you should Google it. You will be in awe of the gorgeous scenery. The mountains and the color of the lake and the natural surroundings are fantastic. As it turns out, our son Alex is following in our footsteps and working there this summer of 2014 which is 28 years after Mike and worked there. He is having some pretty great experiences and adventures and creating his own memories for when he is old like his parents!

My Family - Mount Rushmore, South Dakota-2009

We finished our travels back to Ontario and to Manitoulin Island so we could visit with my Dad and Sheila and of course my beloved Grandma who was 99 years young! She and I spent every day together and I loved her company. I am the oldest of the grandchildren and we have always had a special bond. It got even stronger after my Mom passed away. This visit I felt something was a bit different. Grandma seemed a bit tired and she said she was getting a flu or a cold or something. Anyway, we talked and laughed and visited as we always did. I could sit with her for hours. As usual, I cried like a baby when we had to say goodbye before the drive back home.

One month of travelling and we finally made it back home with many miles on our vehicle, lots of laundry, tons of new memories and a bunch of great stories to share. My heart was full and I was very, very happy.

Life Is A Highway - Tom Cochrane

I CAN HELP

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 15 Jul 2014 23:11:00 +0000

Tasza & I - Ottawa, Ontario - Winter 2014

I had thought that once I got through this whole cancer thing I would have some sort of epiphany. You know like there would be some big major change in my life or shift in focus due to the whole cancer experience. I kept waiting for this to happen. I had read how it had made other people change their lives for the better. But then I started to realize that my life was pretty darn good before this all happened. It’s not like I had some kind of addiction that I needed to get over, or that I was in a bad relationship that I was going to leave, or that I had some really bad habits that I needed to change. I was already living my life in a healthy positive way and I had an awesome husband and family that I loved very much. I had good friends and a good job and a nice home and was generally quite fit and healthy. Maybe my epiphany was that I went through this cancer trip for a reason and the reason is to be able to help others. To be an example. To give back. I don’t know but it seemed to me like there were things happening all around me that were signs that I should be listening to and acting on.

Alex & I - Ottawa Airport - Spring 2014

Many women in my community told me that they had seen me around town pre-cancer and knew that I was active and running and that it scared them to find out that I still ended up with cancer. They then saw me around town looking puffy and bald and that because of me they went for a mammogram. Wow that is pretty amazing when you think about it. I guess they thought that if it happened to me it could happen to them. Now they were seeing me again and now I was looking close to being back to normal. One woman that lives just up the street from me was diagnosed around this time and although I did not know her well I was asked by a mutual friend to call her. So I did and we had several talks over the coming months. At one point she had told me her young children did not like that she was bald and it kind of scared them. So one day as I was driving past and I saw them outside I told the kids that I too was bald like their Mom was but that my hair grew back and that hers would too. Maybe that helped. I sure hope so.

I had several opportunities to share my story with others and I was given another chance to share in June of 2009. Someone from the Canadian Partnership Against Cancer had my name and passed it on to the producer of a video series that they were working on. The series, called “The Truth of It”, is an unscripted video series about cancer. It is an online collection of patient stories that offer peer support with a diverse group of people speaking very personally about their cancer experiences. The interviews were going to be part of a website to provide newly diagnosed patients with peer to peer advice about the discovery, treatment and experience of cancer. Kind of a virtual support. I decided to do it.

One day in June the film crew showed up at my house and took over the main floor with the set up and lighting and other equipment. I sat down with the director and she just started talking to me and asking me questions. I just answered her as if we were two friends talking and not so much like an interview. It felt perfectly natural and not staged or anything so I liked that.

A few weeks later we received a rough cut of the video. I watched it and I cried. Then Mike

Mike & I - Summer 2014

watched it and he cried. Then the kids watched and they cried and I cried again. Then I had a huge meltdown. It is a very strange experience to see yourself on TV and hear yourself talking. Especially about something so personal. At one point it hit me that this woman on the screen was ME! That all of that stuff actually happened to me. To us. Of course I know that it did but many days I simply just put it out of my head as much as I possibly could, like it never happened and here it was spewing out of my own mouth. I was trying so hard to look forward because it was very hard to look backward. It was overwhelming. I was looking forward to the final cut. When it finally went online I was pretty excited. Here it is if you have a few minutes to spare:

I ended up posting the link on Facebook and got so many comments from people. One friend that I have known since elementary school wrote me a beautiful message about how this video inspired her to make some changes in her own life as she was struggling with her own issues. She wrote:

“I had NO idea you were a cancer survivor. I have just finished watching your video and cannot even begin to express how inspired I am by your strength, your attitude, your insight and perspective.

I have been struggling with health this year too. At times I have felt frustrated and hopeless when I was left with only a fraction of daily functioning compared to my normal standard. I lost my way for a while and let negativity get the best of me. That has been overcome now, and I dare say having been exposed to your journey by that video, it will not likely return.

Whatever my struggles have been this year, I feel like I have gathered so much fortitude from your experience. Thank you so much for sharing it openly here, you cannot possibly imagine how deeply and positively it has impacted me.

What better time to offer my sincere thanks than at Thanksgiving. May it be joyful, healthy, abundant and peaceful for us all.”

I had really hoped in my heart that my story might help someone else in some small way so it really makes me happy that it did. It all happened for a reason and more and more it seems that reason might be to help others.

I Can Help - Billy Swan

GIVE A LITTLE BIT

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 20:47:00 +0000

Throughout all of the surgeries and treatments, I always had the gifts of family and friends to get me through. Mike, as always, was my strength, my rock. My beautiful children were my inspiration. My Dad and Sheila were my comfort. My friends were my hope. All of them gave me so many gifts with their time and their love and their caring. They also gave me actual gifts! I can’t believe the things I got and each and every one was special. I kept a list of all of these gifts so that I could send out a thank you card to each person.

During my treatments I received angel ornaments, pjs, blankets, books, tons of flowers, magazines, candies, muffins, a huge assortment from my work colleagues with movies, bath bubbles, games, magazines and gift cards; bagels, jewellery, bathrobe, scrapbooking stuff, plants and of course my victory bell and my Victoria’s quilt that I still drag around with me everywhere.

When I was in the hospital for my isolation stay I received many books, flowers, scrapbooking stuff and lots of folks brought food to Mike and the kids. That was so very much appreciated. After the mastectomy, there were so many plants and flowers the house was starting to look like either a funeral home or a flower shop! Also much food and more angels. After the hysterectomy and the reconstruction surgery there were more flowers and plants, creams, lotions, bubble bath, magazines, books and nail stuff. There were also several times where our friends gave rides to our kids to hockey or school events when we could not do it.

And the cards! Wow there are over 100 cards that I received in the mail. There is nothing like getting an old fashioned snail mail card with a hand written message in it. I saved them all and read them from time to time. Some are encouraging, some are funny, some give advice, some are to let me know someone is thinking about me or praying for me, many offer some kind of alcoholic beverage when I am up to it, many wish me to get better, some send hugs and others have such incredible words that I can’t believe are directed at me. I mean how often do you really sit down and think about yourself in the way others might see you? I mean really see you. So many times we might compare ourselves to others in the way that we look, or act or the type of car we drive, or the home we live in or the job we have. We might often wonder what others think about us more in these superficial ways but to think in more meaningful terms is probably not something we do very often. However, I do think our perspective changes as we get older and our priorities start to shift.

Friends - Summer 2013

When I look at the words that my friends, family and colleagues have written to me it makes me feel like I am not worthy. I am no hero. I just did what I had to do like I have always done. Mike told me that although anyone would do what they had to do, it was the way I did it that touched people. Then it makes me feel proud of myself and that maybe I am all of those things that people said. Then I think of my parents and feel so thankful that they raised me the way they did and I hope that I have passed these things on to my own children. I would like to share some of these words that are comforting but at the same time make me feel uncomfortable in that I can’t believe it is me they are talking about.

Thank you for being such an example of courage and optimism for us to emulate.
I am so proud of you; your gratitude, spirit, and confidence inspire me every day.
You are our constant hero.
You remain an inspirational mentor.
Your strength, courage and tenacity have been awe-inspiring. Thanks for being such a great role model.
Your optimistic and cheerful spirit will see you through.
You are an inspiration in strength and spirit.
Your positive attitude, your determination to get your healthy life back and your wonderful ability to put things in perspective are amazing.
I am always amazed at your courage and strength.
Your serenity, courage and wisdom are an inspiration.
Your great attitude inspires me.
I honestly believe that your positive outlook has actually given us all much hope, joy and peace and to take time to reflect on all of our lives and attitudes. Thank you for this.
Your inner strength, positive attitude, compassionate nature and constant drive to enrich the lives of others around you make you one of the most caring people I know.
You have such an endless well of strength, good cheer and confidence that this cancer thing doesn’t have a chance.

These words are gifts in themselves. The best gifts. On the days when I felt alone or at rock-bottom I could always draw on these words and they would lift me up. They always will.

Give a Little Bit - Roger Hodgson (Supertramp)

THE MONSTER

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 28 May 2014 16:29:00 +0000

As I was settling in to life post-cancer I was starting to accumulate many instances when people asked to talk to me about my experience. This was usually because they knew someone close to them that had just been diagnosed like a friend, sister, cousin or whatever and they wanted to help them. They wanted to do something and didn’t know what to do or where to start. They often asked me because they knew I had just been through it. I did my best to answer their questions and offer suggestions and advice based on my own experience.

It is so much better to talk to someone that has first-hand information rather than just reading about it in a book or online. When I was first diagnosed I had called my friend Jenn because she had just been through the cancer ordeal. It was probably the best info I got. She is my college friend that was diagnosed at age 35. By the way she has since gotten married and they have a beautiful young son! At one time it was thought that might never be possible.

Jenn, Julie and me - Fall 2003 (before cancer)

One day in February 2009, on Family Day of all days, I got a call from our mutual friend Julie. I just about fell over when she told me that she too had just been diagnosed with breast cancer! Julie had just had their second child and was still breast feeding for goodness sakes! How could all three of us at such young ages who were all healthy and active women just all of a sudden end up with breast cancer??? This was just so wrong. She was breastfeeding and found a lump. Can you believe that? Wow. I was in shock but did my best to answer her questions and told her I was just a phone call or email away for anything at any time.

I could not get over how often how this cancer monster was rearing its ugly head. Maybe because I had gone through it myself I was more aware now than ever about it. Not a day went by that I didn’t hear the name of this monster.

Even now there are friends and family of mine that are dealing with recent diagnoses and it breaks my heart and makes me so angry. I am sending prayers and positive vibes to everyone out there reading this that has been personally touched by cancer. Especially to my cousin Eddie and his family and to my friend Erin and her husband Peter who is starting out on his cancer journey. And to two other women that I just heard about in the past 24 hours! They are all on a journey that nobody wants to take with a monster that nobody wants around.

Stupid effing cancer.

The Monster - Eminem and Rhianna

HOW BIZARRE

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 14 May 2014 12:35:00 +0000

Brockville, ON - Summer 2013

Once things were healed I knew that it was all worth it. I would do the surgery again in a second even though the pain afterwards was so excruciating. It was a 6.5 hour surgery. That is a long time. Now that I had these new breasts that were definitely different than what I originally had, it was going to take some getting used to. And some adjustments! I know this is kind of bizarre but picture two new breasts just built. Kind of like a sundae without the cherry on top if you know what I mean. So I made arrangements with Dr. Surgeon to have the finishing touches done.

This next part is the most bizarre and awkward experience ever! It is actually kind of unnerving to be writing this and know that people will be reading it. It makes me feel somewhat awkward but at the same time it is not an everyday subject and something that others can learn from. Women and men. So here goes….

Let’s start with the plain old sundae which is basically the two new breasts. Now you can choose to just leave things as is or you can choose to add some toppings. After living with them for a while I decided to add the toppings. The areola area was the first thing to add. How do they do it? Tattoos. Yep Tattoos. Who knew? I certainly didn’t. Let me tell you that it was the most bizarre experience of this entire journey I think. There is a tattoo artist that goes to my surgeon’s office at the hospital on a regular basis to do the areola tattoo procedure for his patients. Mike came with me for the procedure and when we saw the tattoo artist he looked just like any of the guys working in the tattoo shops downtown. Except this was the hospital and it just seemed so out of place. He was a super nice guy and we were made to feel very comfortable.

The first thing we had to do was choose a size. By that I mean the size of the circle. Was it the size of a quarter or a small plate? He had templates with various circle sizes that he held up to my plain vanilla sundaes so that we could get a better idea. Eventually my husband helped me choose one that was close to the size we both thought I was before. The entire time I was trying not to break into fits of laughter. I mean really can you imagine doing this? Then the next thing was to pick the colour. Was it more pink or more brown? That took some time to determine as well. Worse than picking out tile colour for your floor or which shade of white to put on your walls. Finally when we had made all of our picks, the work began.

Mike & I - Paris, France - Summer 2012

As I was lying flat on my back on the examination table in the room, looking up at my husband and the tattoo guy chit-chatting about gas prices over me while he was freezing my skin and getting the colour prepped, I could not believe how bizarre this was. I could never have imagined anything like this ever happening to me in my life! So strange! Although I did not really have much feeling in my new breasts, they froze me anyway just to be sure. After the outline of the areola was done, the tattoo pigment was applied and before I knew it I was done and ready to head home. It was quite extraordinary to have had this experience that was both incredibly weird and fascinating all at the same time. Another artist had made his mark on my body in the process of putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.

A few weeks later I had one more trip back to have the nipple reconstruction done. Dr. Surgeon just froze me again and used a needle and thread basically to pull some skin together to make a “nipple”. Again, weird but now I was done. The cherry was on top of the sundae.

How Bizarre - Otara Millionaires Club (OMC)

WRECKING BALL

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 13 Apr 2014 14:49:00 +0000

Flowers from my garden

Back to the hospital I went for what I hoped was going to be the last surgery for me for many years. You would think I would have become used to this but I still felt kind of nervous on the way there. As I noted before, you sometimes hear these stories about people that go in for some kind of routine surgery and then some weird thing happens and they die on the operating table. That is always in the back of my mind I guess. Plus the anesthesia always freaks me out.

After I said the painful goodbye to Mike and was wheeled off on my own I started to get a little bit more nervous. I had no idea what to expect but I was confident I was in good hands. Literally. Once I got into the operating room and had the shot of stuff that knocks you right out, I had one last glimpse of my surgeon setting his iPod into a dock. I remember wondering what music he might be listening to while sculpting my body into something new and improved. Then I was out.

I woke up feeling worse than I had ever felt in my life. I was pretty sure I was nearly dead and had no doubt been hit by a wrecking ball then run over by a huge truck hauling something very heavy and then dragged around for several hundred miles. I was pretty drugged up and not quite sure what was going on. My surgeon came to see me and started calling me “dopey”. That stuck for the remainder of my stay at the hospital which was several days. You have to remember that there are two recovery spots on my body with this type of surgery. One is in the abdominal area where the tissue was removed and then the site on my chest where this was transplanted. In order to keep the blood circulating properly with the reattachment of the blood vessels, I had to stay warm.

My beautiful family at home - Fall 2008

There was a blanket on me that felt like parchment paper and had tubes in it and was hooked up to a machine that was pumping heat into the blanket. I would get to the point sometimes where I was so uncomfortable that I couldn’t stand the heat and wanted to just rip off the blanket and all of the other machines I was hooked up to and run screaming out of the hospital. I never did that though. I kept asking myself, “What the hell was I thinking? Why did I do this?” Those first 48 hours were just awful.

When I was finally able to sit up I was so dopey that I could not hold my head up. However, after a few days things started to get a little bit better each day. I still had not actually seen what I looked like. Nor did I seem to care at first since all I wanted was to sleep so that I couldn’t feel anything. Soon I was eating and starting to feel a bit more human except that I was afraid that if I moved too much I would bust open everywhere and my guts would come pouring out. Eventually I could get out of bed and finally I was able to go home. I was to see the doctor once a week for the next month or so.

My Dad and I - Manitoulin Island - Summer 2013

When I got home I was finally able to see how things looked. I went into the bathroom and surveyed myself in the mirror. I looked like a train wreck again. I had staples on the incision from one hip bone to the other. My new breasts were also stapled on the top and bottom of each breast kind of in the shape of an eye and then up into my armpits. There was still swelling, etc…so it was hard to judge but I could already tell that it was going to look good. It struck me that maybe it was hard for my family to imagine what I looked like and it is hard to explain so perhaps they might want to actually see it for themselves. Some of them did and they were absolutely amazed. Although it was a bit unsettling to see so much metal I think.

Just being home makes you feel better. The next day a couple of my friends came over and I was trying to describe things to them until I finally said do you just wanna see? They both immediately said “YES” and pretty much jumped on me. They too were amazed. Dr. Reconstruction is an artist and because this is his craft he wants to do the best possible job for every one of his patients. He is very talented.

Wrecking Ball - Miley Cyrus

CUTS LIKE A KNIFE

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 29 Mar 2014 16:25:00 +0000

Summer 2013 - Quebec City, Quebec

During the summer of 2008 I made the decision to explore the options for breast reconstruction. I researched some names of surgeons in the Ottawa area and booked some consultation appointments.

These surgeons are very busy and there are not very many of them in my area. I knew that I would have to find someone that I felt very comfortable with since this was such a personal thing and a major surgery. It was important to me that I was in the hands of someone that I could trust. One of these surgeons periodically gave a general presentation for a large audience to explain the various procedures and options available for women considering reconstruction surgery. He provided photos and diagrams and it was extremely informative. I was able to make my first appointment with him for the fall of 2008.

From the very first meeting I liked this surgeon (who I will refer to as Dr. Reconstruction). Dr. Reconstruction was awesome. He seemed to have so much passion for what he did and I really considered him an artist of sorts. He said that “no woman should have to go through this breast cancer crap” and I honestly felt that he was committed to helping as many of us as possible to feel “normal” again. I jumped on another learning curve to find out everything about breast reconstruction.

Friends - Bridal Veil Falls - Summer 2013

There are several options for women post-mastectomy. The first option is to do nothing. The second is to use prosthesis but that did not work out for me as I have already explained in a previous post. The next two options include implant reconstruction or natural tissue reconstruction. I was not a candidate for the implant surgery due to the radiation treatments that I had. So that just left me with the natural tissue reconstruction option.

This is further broken down into either a TRAM Flap or Latissimus Flap procedure. For either of these the patient needs to be a non-smoker, have no significant other pre-existing health problems or certain previous abdominal incisions. Some women have this type of procedure done at the time of the mastectomy. The surgeon that did my mastectomy did not recommend this. He felt that it was better to heal properly and live with the results of the mastectomy for at least a year and then you would better appreciate the reconstruction. I could not agree more. I think if I had of gone into an operation room with my breasts intact and then come out with something completely rebuilt with the scarring and bruising then it would have been quite a shocker. I mean it was a shocker to come out with no breasts at all but then I kind of got used to it and healed and then was able to have a greater appreciation for the art of reconstruction.

There are several advantages to the TRAM Flap surgery including the fact that the breasts are made of natural tissue. The thought of implants and exposure to synthetic materials was not for me. Just like the prostheses and wigs I guess. Since the TRAM surgery uses your abdominal tissue to rebuild the breast, a tummy tuck in the process was a major bonus to consider. Hell ya! Women pay big bucks for that. There are disadvantages of course and it is a very long procedure with decreased abdominal strength, much scarring and unpredictability of what the new breasts will look like. The recovery time is also quite lengthy.

Me - Summer 2008

The way it works is that the surgeon transfers a section of skin, muscle, fat and blood vessels from one part of your body to your chest and creates a new breast mound. The tissue for rebuilding could come from your abdomen, back or buttocks. For me it was going to come from my abdomen and Dr. Reconstruction said he was going to spare as much muscle as possible so that I would retain as much strength as possible in my abdomen. Due to the intricate nature of the reattachment of blood vessels which is critical to the survival of the transplanted tissue, my surgeon made sure that I was not a smoker or diabetic.

I also had to think about expected outcomes. I knew that this surgery was not going to make me look like I was before and that it would not bring back any sensations that you feel in a normal breast. However, I knew that it would make me feel better in my clothes, in swimsuits, help to diminish the reminders of the cancer, and generally just make me feel better in many ways. I knew that this was an amazing opportunity with some risks but I made my decision to do it. The surgery was scheduled for October 6, 2008.

Cuts Like a Knife - Bryan Adams

SUMMERTIME

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 24 Mar 2014 16:49:00 +0000

Beach - Norway Bay, Quebec- Summer 2008

During the summer of 2008 our family was very lucky to be selected as part of the Cottage Dreams Cancer Recovery Initiative in Ontario. This is a registered charity that offers recent cancer survivors the opportunity to spend a week at a private, donated cottage to reconnect and rejuvenate with family and friends after successfully completing treatment. In 2014 they hope to place over 400 families.

My Kids - Norway Bay - Summer 2008

We were thrilled to arrive at the cozy little cottage on the gorgeous sand beach. It was everything you could imagine a cottage to be. The screened front porch had two twin beds made into an L-shaped sitting area with tons of pillows and a perfect view of the water. This is where the kids slept and they absolutely loved it. We all spent time reading, swimming, canoeing, relaxing and eating and simply enjoying each and every day. There was an old TV with no reception so it could only be used to watch DVDs. The cottage owners had a collection of movies so we re-watched the Harry Potter series in the evenings and rainy times. It was funny because when we first arrived we thought, what are we going to do for a week with no internet and no TV? That turned out to be one of the best parts! We really did reconnect and rejuvenate. We even played cards after dinner and taught the kids how to play euchre.

Sunset at the Cottage - Summer 2008

It was a time I will always cherish because I think we were all healing. We didn’t talk about cancer and treatments and anything like that at all. We really just escaped completely into this other world for the week. I cannot begin to tell you how incredible that was. When I was diagnosed with cancer it was something that didn’t happen just to me – it happened to my entire family. Each one of us had to deal with the fear, the pain and the changes in our life. It is amazing to think back and realize how much we all went through and how far we have come in these last few years.

Happy Kids - Summer 2008

We enjoyed our stay at the cottage so much and wanted to give back and let others know about the program so when I was asked to volunteer a few hours at the Cottage Dreams booth at the Ottawa Home & Backyard Show the following spring I was more than happy to do so. Tasza came with me and we had a great time and met a lot of people and got to share our stories and experiences.

If you would like to find out more about Cottage Dreams, please check out their website at http://www.cottagedreams.ca

Summertime - Mungo Jerry

SAFE AND SOUND

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 18:57:00 +0000

Mike's Grad - U of Guelph
June 2008

June arrived and with that an amazing occasion for our family. Mike was going to graduate with his MBA! Here was a guy that didn’t do so well at Cegep (post-high school in Quebec) because he was goofing off and now he was going to have an MBA! On top of that he did all his studying, research and assignments while still working full time and dealing with the kids during my cancer journey. He is truly an amazing man, husband and father and we were all so proud of him.

Going to the graduation ceremony and sitting there watching him go up on the stage to receive his diploma was one of the proudest moments of my life. I felt such a surge of love for this man and all he has done for me and for our children. Especially in the last year. I was certainly glad to be alive at that moment. Glad to be healthy again able to be there to see it with my own eyes, feel it in my heart and smile from ear to ear to see him so happy, so proud. In my books he is a true warrior and the epitome of family.

Les Tarnowskis - Newry, Maine - Summer 2010

Family is what matters. Warts and all. I am not sure if you have ever seen the movie “Dan in Real Life” with Steve Carell, but it is a great depiction of family. I watched it and thought how great it was to see this story about all of these grown siblings and their families getting together every summer at their family cottage. Every time the Tarnowskis get together (Mike and his two brothers and sister and all the spouses and kids) somebody has to host, do the grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc…and we don’t really get to have a good visit.

So after watching the movie I proposed that we try a family weekend together on neutral territory and rent a big place where we could all stay for a weekend. Hopefully without killing each other. Every family has their dramas every once in a while right? Anyway, I think having this cancer experience made me want to spend more time with family and create memories and have no regrets about what we should have or could have done. So in 2007 we had the kick off to what would become a tradition every June. We rented a big house and we all settled in. All 20 of us. We had food, wine and each other and we were all safe and sound.

The Family - St.Sauveur, Quebec - Summer 2011

The first year our rental house was in Killington, Vermont and in subsequent years we have gone to Newry, Maine a few times and also St. Sauveur, Quebec. These are always fantastic weekends and something I think we all look forward to. Plus we have all survived every single family gathering so far. The time we spend together on these weekends brings us all closer and strengthens the bond of family. We always get home safe and sound with some new family memories to add to the memory banks.

Safe and Sound - Capital Cities

IT'S WHERE MY DEMONS HIDE

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 08 Feb 2014 15:19:00 +0000

Just Me - Summer 2008 - Shawville, Quebec

At this point I was still seeing one of my oncologists every second month. It felt good to have someone watching over me but I hated going to the cancer centre. Don’t get me wrong, I totally appreciate how lucky I am to have access to such a centre and the amazing healthcare but I actually physically react to my trips to the cancer centre. As I drive closer and closer my stomach gets upset and I always feel like someone has punched me in the gut. I also start to get anxious and tense and want to turn around and head far away in the opposite direction. It is a really horrible feeling which must be somehow psychologically related to the experience with the chemo and radiation. Or maybe I am just a terrible driver! Either way, it is difficult to go into the cancer center and see so many others that are going through their own hell. I have to put on blinders and focus on getting in and getting out as quickly as possible.

Some of my favorite demons - Halloween 2008

These visits often left me feeling angry and bitter. I would go home and feel sorry for myself at times. It seemed that there were so many good things happening to my friends and family that were positive and although I tried hard to be happy for them it was making me feel very envious, very bitter and very angry. The demons were coming out. I don’t know who I was angry at. Just angry. I remember breaking down one day and thinking that so and so was going away on a trip, so and so bought a new car, so and so moved to a new house and even Mike was getting his MBA and so many others were all getting things and what did I get?!? I got f*cking cancer!! I have tried my whole life to be a good person, to treat others the way I want to be treated, to be genuinely happy for family and friends when good things happen to them and to do my best to not cave into the horrible green monster of envy so why did I have to get cancer?

I have never been overly interested in status and things and possessions but I am only human and on that particular day for whatever reason I just lost it. I know that material goods do not make you a happy person. Well at least not in a meaningful way. But right then and there I just wanted something new and different and exciting. Something for me. Something for my family. A little selfish? Yep but I had this feeling that I deserved something. I deserved something for going through this crappy cancer bullsh*t. I just wanted something new and exciting and positive. A fresh start.

Renos - 2008

Shortly after that we began renovations on our kitchen and main floor bathroom/laundry area. It was my design, my layout, my ideas with everything done to suit our family to a T. We all love the results. Not once did I complain about living through the renos because it was not so difficult and totally worth it. Yep that made me extremely happy. Maybe my wallet suffered but it was a fresh start for our family. For me. Out with the old and in with the new. Bye bye demons.

We spend a lot of time at home because we enjoy being together as a family so why not make our home comfortable and just how we wanted it? After all, that time together is what I cherish the most in my life.

Demons - Imagine Dragons

BACK TO LIFE, BACK TO REALITY

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 30 Jan 2014 18:51:00 +0000

Winter at Home - January 2008

The start of 2008 was a welcome new beginning to the next part of my post-cancer life. Getting back to work was something that was going to get me back on a schedule and back to being around people again. I was kind of looking forward to it but at the same time I was scared. I had been locked away in our cancer world and at home for so long that the thought of getting back into the routine of work and using my brain again was a bit daunting. Fortunately I was able to go back gradually on instructions from my health care team. It made sense to go back for only 3 days a week for a month, then up it to 4 days a week for another month and finally hitting the 5 days a week after that. The other great thing was that I was able to work a day a week at home.

So as I slowly got back into the work cycle I realized how much of an adjustment it was. I was tired a lot of the time and spent many times second-guessing myself. It occurred to me that my mind was now being exercised and it was about time I started doing more for my body. Even though I was tired a lot I knew that exercise might be just what I needed to increase my energy levels and also boost my spirit and my self-confidence. So I joined yoga and pilates. Never had I ever done either of these activities before but I figured why not? That was kind of my new mantra. I had gone through the “this is not forever but just for now” mantra during the worst part of the cancer treatments and now that I had survived that I wanted to really live again and try new things and I seemed to have no fear.

My Family - Spring 2008

One day I woke up and my abs were killing me because I had done yoga the night before and the night before that I had done pilates. It sure felt good to get exercising again. It feels great to have sore abs! I felt like maybe I really was back and ready to move on to a regular routine and life filled with activities. I actually almost started to cry at yoga the first night. We were doing a position that was really stretching out the arms and it hit me that the previous winter, after the mastectomy, I couldn’t even lift my arms. I remember at the time I tried pushing with all of my might and it wasn’t that it hurt to try and move my arms it was that I just felt nothing. It was numb and I couldn’t lift my arms much past my waist. I was amazed that now I could stretch out completely. It was quite a realization about how bad things were and how quickly my body seemed to be recovering.

Our life was humming along and we were settling back into a routine but we were also in need of a little time away. So, our friends invited us to a chalet in Saint Sauveur and we had a fantastic weekend of skiing, snow-tubing, and simply enjoying the outdoors and our friendship. It was just what we needed! What a great thing to do to switch up your mindset, help you see things in a different light and just enjoy living. I was able to snow-tube but was not strong enough to ski. Not yet anyway.

Back to Life, Back to Reality - Soul II Soul

COUNTING STARS

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 14:58:00 +0000

My Family - Salisbury Beach, Massachusetts - Summer 2004

December 5, 2007 was a pretty amazing day for me. That afternoon I arrived at the hospital right on time to have my port-a-cath removed. The young fellow that took me up in the elevator and showed me to the right room asked me if I was nervous. “Hell no!” was my answer. “I’ve been through enough other stuff this year that this little thing is no big deal. In fact I just can’t wait to get it done!” He smiled at me like I was a tad bit crazy or something but was very polite and wished me well.

I didn’t have to wait very long and before I knew it I was in a little room with a gown on, lying down and waiting for the doctor to come in. There was a TV so the nurse gave me the remote and I found an old episode of the Cosby Show and watched that for about 10 minutes. I always loved that show. The doctor and nurse came in shortly and they were ready to get on with this little minor surgery right away. They wanted to make sure that I was okay because I guess a lot of people get nervous and some even change their minds about the whole thing. Not me. I couldn’t understand that at all. I told them how happy I was that I was getting this port out because I wasn’t going to need it anymore. Plus it was a daily reminder of the cancer and I simply wanted it gone.

My Family - Cape Breton Island, Nova Scotia - Summer 2010

They gave me a local anesthetic so I didn’t feel a thing. The doctor made an incision and removed the port and then sewed me back up. It only took about 15 minutes or so and we were done. I thanked them both a few times during the procedure. We all chit-chatted throughout the entire thing and I really was truly happy.

When I left the Cancer Centre and headed outside to my car I felt like my step was lighter and my head was in the clouds. I paid the parking guy, made my way to the on-ramp and drove up onto the highway. I was heading home and for the first time in a long time I felt free. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted and I was flying down the highway, observing the speed limit of course, until I got just outside of the city. At that point I lost it and started to shake and cry. It was kind of the same sort of relieved feeling that I had when I got the results of the pathology report after the breast surgery. I had to pull over. I called Mike and sobbed over the phone with him and he was so happy for me and I was crying but I was so happy and thankful that I was done. I mean I was DONE! This last little surgery represented so much more. It was the last thing I had to do. Now I was free and I could move forward with my life. With our life.

Me - December 2007 - Greely, Ontario

That night when the kids got home and Mike was there and we were all together they told me to ring the bell. Ring the victory bell Mom! We are so proud of you and you did it! We knew you could do it and look at how strong you are and how brave and how awesome! I couldn’t have come through this so well without my amazing family. I told Mike as he was holding me close to his chest and I could hear his heart beating that I simply wanted to say “thank you”. He has always been my strength and the one person that I could count on always. Always by my side. In sickness and in health. You don’t realize at the time you make your wedding vows how those vows will become so incredibly important and how much they could be tested over the years.

My children too were so strong and mature and responsible. I told them that. I also told them that if something like that had of happened to my Mom when I was their age that it would have scared the crap out of me. I told them that they were my heroes and in fact it was them that were the brave ones. I just did what I had to and what choice did I have anyway? Mike eventually said enough already would you just ring the damn bell?!? So I did. Many times. Very loud. With much bravado and a smile on my face, I looked at these three people, my family, and at that moment I felt joyful and truly blessed. It was a wonderful Christmas that year.

Counting Stars - OneRepublic

LIKE A VIRGIN

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 23:59:00 +0000

Mike & I - Christmas 2013 - Greely, Ontario

In early October 2007 it came time for yet another surgery. This time I was scheduled to have a hysterectomy. This was not something that I had to do but it was highly recommended by my doctors. Since the cancer I had was driven by hormones, it only made sense to try to eliminate the possibility of it starting somewhere else in my body. I already had two wonderful children so of course I had to consider this hysterectomy quite seriously.

I decided to go for it and have it done. As much as I was not thrilled at being back at the hospital again, I wanted to be sure that I did everything possible to ensure that this cancer never came back. I did not want to have any regrets. Going back to the hospital always made me feel yucky. I really have no other word other than just that – yucky. The surgery itself was not so bad and except for the first few days the recovery was much better than I expected. In fact I was feeling pretty great by the time Halloween rolled around.

Every year for the past few years one of my friends has hosted a Halloween party. There is always a fun theme and in 2007 it was an 80s theme. I was really looking forward to getting out for the first time in a long time. So, I naturally dressed up as Madonna and was able to wear my fake boobs to fill in the gaps. Mike dressed as a head-banger-rocker-dude and we went to the party and had a blast!

Madonna & the Rocker - Halloween 2007

Since I had been home for several months and had recently just had a hysterectomy, I was a bit out of practice with socializing. You may not think about it but when you are by yourself most of the time it really does take some effort and practice to get back to a place where chatting with people is easy again. I was excited to get out but I was also feeling nervous too. I had a glass of wine or two and that helped me relax. The eighties music was playing all night and we danced and danced and danced. I danced more than I had in years! It was an absolute wonderful time but I think I scared a few of my friends that knew I had just had a hysterectomy a few weeks prior to the party.

Anyway, that party made me feel really, really, really great and I had so much fun and felt like a normal person again. Finally. What a wonderful way to feel.

Like A Virgin - Madonna