Blue Butterfly

Most Common Mistakes Vegans Make... I've Made 'Em All, Part 1

2013-07-08T09:58:00.001-04:00

I have become a little lazy with blogging lately. I noticed that I am spending way too much time on facebook, LinkedIn, and the internet in general. These procrastinatory habits, along with receiving my very first rejection from a publisher letter and my incessant journal-keeping, have all led me to feel like a real writer. Finally! Yet, I think I have stated this before. Why, oh why, do I need to have these rites of passage to feel like a real writer? Well, I think it is because society does not always look highly on writers. I mean, isn't everyone writing a book? Doesn't every celebrity have a children's book or a cookbook? Aren't there a billion blogs out there? Who am I, then? Writer, shmiter. By the way, I am beginning to not like blogger/blogpost (the site in which my blog lives). The formatting over the last year sucks. I can't get the layout right and they keep updating and improving blogger until the features are unrecognizable. On another note... Recently, I have come across a few websites that are talking about common mistakes that vegans make. I found these articles helpful and wish I saw them at about the time I became vegan two years ago. Here are a few examples... These mistakes were written by Jenné Claiborne, a vegan chef, cooking instructor, and health coach from the website Amanda Rose Wellness. Here top 3 mistakes are: Mistake #1. You've unconsciously become a Bread-a-tarian I have totally been there and done that. I have toast each morning and often this is the safe go-to option when I am in a restaurant with no vegan options. Bread and salad (without creamy dressing) to be exact. (Often this is what the sympathetic waiter actually offers me as a meal with maybe... just maybe some plain rice. This is the typical scenario which led me to re-introducing cheese in such scenarios. Sniff. You made me eat... cheese.) The salad is not so bad since it may be packed with ingredients but it is hard to get that "full" feeling on leafy greens. This is where the bread comes in. It is very filling and you can dress it up with ump-teen toppings. Mistake #2: You’re not eating enough Okay, this was the case for me two years ago when I first became vegan. Oh my God. It was the first week of being vegan. The headaches, the fatigue, the bitchiness, the crankiness, the light-headed about-to-faint feeling, the I'm-still-hungry-every-hour feeling... did I mention the light-headedness. (My husband asked me if this was "de-toxing". It felt more like withdrawal from some mind-altering substance... not that I have any idea what that is about.) If you're going through this phase of veganism, get out of it REAL FAST. What did I do? Well, I said to myself, "Der gots to be a better way." I went on the internet and found the vegan food pyramid. Ta da! This Vegan Food Pyramid saved my life. I began to follow it and eat all of the servings suggested. When I did this, bought a few vegan cookbooks, and tried these meals, I not only felt full all the time, I felt GOOD. Keep in mind, while I was becoming vegan, I was also recovering from the removal of my whole thyroid, adjusting to the doses of Cytomel and then later Synthroid (the synthetic hormone to replace natural thyroid), and preparing for "going hypo" (I guess I do know about mind-altering withdrawal after all) and then radiation. Given all of this, with lots of adjustments, going vegan was do-able. Mistake #3: Being unprepared As I mentioned, in my early years of vegan-dom, I was totally unprepared. I did not have any makings of a vegan meal in my house other than a half bag of kidney beans and some rice. After I got the vegan pyramid and my cookbooks, I loaded up on such vegan staples as nutritional yeast (still don't know what that is), extra firm tofu, and almond milk. I learned to cook everything from great stews to casseroles to rice dishes to vegan pie and even Jamaican beef patties. (Please see my Vegan Photo Albums for proof.) I have also learned to travel vegan and be not so the pesky houseguest. I buy my own vegan eatables and also make plans ahead for wherever I may be staying. I go to sites like Happy Cow to find out the vegan restaurants in whichever city or community I will be in. But being unprepared is something that still happens to me. The school I teach at just so happens to be beside a Dairy Queen and a gas station. Uh oh... you can guess what happens when Blue Butterfly is at the school and has had an especially busy, hectic, noisy, hot (the portable and classrooms I teach in have no air-conditioning), long day and she is leaving the school at 6pm or 7pm? C'mon. I'm sure you can take a guess. Let me add that I did not bring any 3pm snacks and I'm also famished and I have a sweet tooth... I buy $2.00 bag of mixed-nuts... $2.00 for 75 grams of something that I can make at home for a lot cheaper and did you see the fat content? 28 grams of fat for a 75 gram bag of trail mix! Half the content of this bag is fat. OR... it gets worse. I tiptoe into Dairy Queen and I check out their flavour of the month blizzard but then I don't buy their flavour of the month blizzard. Instead, I by a mini or small Dairy Queen Turtle Blizzard with cookie dough. This is what I'm eating, people! These foods are not even vegan! Plus, if you look like on my list "Why Did I Get Thyroid Cancer?", milk is on that list. Oh... the horror! Okay, well I know the first step in recovery is to acknowledge that there is a problem. The second is to take the first step in fixing it by stocking up on vegan snacks in my classroom (a nice collection of seeds since nuts are not allowed due to the peanut allergy, dried fruit, soynut butter sandwiches, fruit, soya or coconut yogurt, a mini-fridge in my classroom to store it all) and getting my ass out of the school at a decent hour. (C'mon! Everyone knows teachers finish working at 3 o'clock. Duh!) But I shouldn't be so hard on myself. At least, I try to live a vegan existence in this meat-a-tarian world or at least this side of the world is. If I lived in many rural parts of the world and/or my fish allergy was non-existent, my diet would consist of very little meat. So at least, I am giving myself a pat on the back for making the effort. But still... they made me eat cheese.

98 year old Vegan

2013-06-30T07:46:00.000-04:00

Dreams Can Come True

2013-06-18T00:05:00.000-04:00

I realize that my dreams are slowly becoming reality or at least in the process of happening. I feel like they are happening now. Dreams help me keep going. Each day is a step closer to my dreams. Each day my dreams become clearer and clearer to me. I am excited about the possibilities.

How Do I Hustle?

2013-06-04T22:22:00.000-04:00

I went to the 4th Annual How She Hustles Brunch on May 25, 2013. I should also say that I was lucky (when opportunity meets timing) to get a ticket because it sold out within 24 hours. This event was organized by the beautiful and talented Emily Mills and her team of enterprising women. I was quite impressed with this event. I have known Emily for about ten years now through my networking thanks to my festival ICED IN BLACK. Emily has been present to support me at two particular important events in my life-- my ICanSurvive picnic and my at-home wedding ceremony last fall. Emily is positive, vivacious, and knows how to hustle as a media-savvy, newly wed, and new mom-preneur. One of her hustles is freelance photography (I have seen her buzzing around various events). Another is working in the field of media production and communications at two of Canada's major television outlets. Lastly, Emily is creating quite a name for herself as an organizer of this major event, HOW SHE HUSTLES. This year, it was essential that I make it to this event no matter what. Even if it meant taking an overnight megabus from New York City (for a relatives funeral) which ran almost two hours late, running home for a quick shower, so I could make it to HOW SHE HUSTLES almost two hours late. Regardless, I felt that I needed to be there first, to support Emily in this wonderful endeavour and second, to be inspired by 100 women who also share positive visions, dreams, and wisdom. I met women who had their own successful businesses and enterprises, women who were balancing motherhood, relationships, family, and career. I met women who like me were venturing into other directions. The overall experience was a positive one and I so glad that I got my sleep-deprived self "all dolled up" to attend this event. It is possible! I will post more photos soon.

Dreamers Afraid to Dream

2013-05-23T06:35:00.001-04:00

This morning, I woke up with a long list of things TO DO. I wonder if it is realistic or even possible however it is what I set out to do. I believe in writing down my goals. I believe in looking at them OFTEN. I also believe in breaking them down into manageable bite-sized pieces. One way I do this is by having my list of 90 day goals. For February 24 to May 24, I had a list of 16 goals. (It's hard to stay at 10.) I accomplished all but 4. The reasons were out of my control. For example, #1 Sell my car and #7 Train for a 10km in May were thwarted due to my car accident that totalled my vehicle and also required me to change my training schedule since I needed to rest my back. Otherwise, I am fiercely proud of what I have been able to accomplish. The 21-day challenge is another story. What I have learned is not that I cannot do my list of goals in 21 days is that there is a difference between a habit and a goal. The 21-day challenge is designed to formulate new habits. In addition, I can only work on one new habit at a time. So, as I get closer to the end of May, I am realizing that my original New Year's resolution of blogging once a week is attainable. This month, I have been able to many times. This is my 16th post which says to me that this goal is totally attainable. I think my new 21-day habit in June will be being at least 15 minutes early to my appointments and places I need to go. Speaking of goals, I also think of dreams. After all, a goal is a dream with a deadline. I have achieved some of my dreams and I continue to dream. One of my dreams is to get my children's stories published. I am one step closer. I submitted a manuscript of a children's book to a publisher who has taken a look at it, likes it, and offered a lot of feedback. I was/am thrilled and terrified. When I saw the letter, I did not want to look at it out of fear. Fear of what? I don't know. Fear of my own success? Fear of the fact that this was actually happening? I was at work and then when I got home, I decided to read the letter again. I was scared to look at it. Then, I read it again and I was also scared to look at the comments on the manuscript. Was I scared of criticism? OMG. Anyway, I saw on trey anthony's blog today a post by Tyler Perry which I could relate to. I felt like I was reading my journal. Well except the part about the Oprah Winfrey Network of course. Here it is: THIS IS FOR FRUSTRATED DREAMERS I was driving in to work this morning and I started thinking about all the days I dreaded going to work. I was so sick of it… the job, my boss, the people I worked with, the traffic… I would wake up angry every morning. I didn’t want to deal with the crap of the job, but I was forced to go. I had been homeless, I was broke, living paycheck to hopefully the next paycheck. I couldn’t take a day off for fear I would get fired. I was just frustrated. I thought I hated my life and the job. It was so aggravating because God had placed all these dreams and hopes in my soul and mind and I had no idea how they were going to come to pass. To have a dream of being something better and living better than the way I was at that moment and to not see a way of getting there felt like death to me. I thought, “Dear God, why would you give me so much hope and not make a way?” But what I learned through prayer was, with no path in front of you and no road map… this is where true faith begins. With faith I realized that I wasn’t frustrated with my life or the job, I was frustrated because I was a person who had dreams for myself, a person who had visions for my life and I wasn’t living it. Have you ever been there, where you felt so strongly that there was more to this life than what you see in front of you? One of the most difficult things about being a dreamer is the fear that the dream will never happen. I’m here as a living witness to tell you your dreams can come true. You can’t give up. And I am here to let you know that everything can work together for your good. The time that you are spending on that job that you think is a dead end is not. You’re being prepared just like I was. I was a shoeshine boy, I worked as a bill collector, a used car salesman, in housekeeping in a hotel, and they all were preparation for where I am now. What do these things have to do with where I am now? I’m glad you asked. I am able to use skills that I learned. I shined shoes, so I know how to shine my shoes if I need them to look nice. Selling used cars was a great way to learn how to close a deal. Bill collecting taught me great negotiation skills. Working at that 5-star hotel taught me a lot about travel. Every experience in your life is here to teach you something. Today, while you’re at work, don’t be frustrated. Look around you and ask God what are you there to learn and how will it be a part of your future dream. Honor that job, do the best you can at it, because God will bless you for honoring something that belongs to another. I hope this inspires you today. If you need a little more inspiration then watch my first sit-down interview in years with Oprah on Oprah's Next Chapter. It airs this Sunday on OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network at 9/8c. I talk a little about not giving up. I know it will move you. Here’s a prayer for today: “God help me hold on, help me to get to what I dream of, help me to honor where I am today so that I can appreciate where I will be tomorrow. In Jesus' name.”

Artist Spotlight: Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

2013-05-21T06:28:00.001-04:00

For today's artist I admire, I have chosen Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I learned about Chimamanda quite by accident while visiting the TEDTalks website a few weeks ago. I was amazed with her talk called: The Danger of a Single Story. Chimamanda is a fiction writer born and raised in Nigeria, currently living in the United States. Her name means: "My God will never fail". In addition to writing some really successful, award-winning novels, she is also a lecturer and speaker. She grew up in a university town in Nigeria called Nsukka. Her father was a professor and her mother a university administrator. Part of her childhood was spent living in the house where renowned Nigerian novelist, Chinhua Achebe, lived. His work, When Things Fall Apart, is part of the canon post-colonial literature circles. I saw all this to say, the story of this woman's life is remarkable. First of all, she's gorgeous, dark-skinned, and poised. She is an amazing speaker in interviews and before an audience. She is another great example of the many intellectual, confident, intelligent Black women who lives in Africa and the world. At the age of 31, in 2008, Chimamanda was awarded the McArthur Fellowship valued at $ 500, 000. Her first novel Purple Hibiscus was published in 2003 and widely received. In total, she she has written four books. Although, I have not read them yet, she gives me a larger sense of what I can do with my life and aspire to be. She reminds me of why I write, continue write, and the way I wish for my audience to engage with my work. She is inspired to write books about characters like herself. Growing up in Nigeria, she talks about reading a lot of books, which I also did. All of these books were from England and the United States, the character eating apples and playing in the snow-- activities which she did not experience in Africa. She mentioned how much her world changed when she read African books, books with characters she could identify with and recognize. This changed her and her perception. I had a similar experience. Although, I did have access to books with characters who looked like me, they tended to be mostly African-American. It was not until I read a book called Harriet's Daughter by m. nourbese phillip, I had not read a book about a Black girl like me living in Toronto. I quickly fell in love and tried to find more books featuring characters of a Caribbean-background. One night last year, I had trouble falling asleep with the thought, "Who will write our stories?" Like Chimamanda, I wish to tell stories from different perspectives and stories that are unique. I like that she listened to her heart when she realized she was not happy about what she was doing. Chimamanda came to the United States to attend medical school however she was not satisfied. As a result, she decided to follow her heart and pursue her love of writing. She completed a Master's degree in Creative Writing from Johns Hopkins University and another Master's degree in African Studies from Yale University. Today, she is a successful writer, lecturer, and leader in her field. (D'uh! She gave a TEDTalk.) She even presents writing workshops in Nigeria to help people tell their own stories. I look forward to reading some of Chimamanda's books this summer.

Following My Fear: Tribute to Artists and Shameless Maya

2013-05-19T16:41:00.000-04:00

I have decided to devote the next few posts on this blog to people who admire in the arts. This will be somewhat of a study, portfolio, cache, whatever you may call it of artists who I admire and who are putting their stuff out there. I need to do this right now especially since I consider myself an artist... I am. I feel like it has always been a struggle to affirm and give space for this side of myself to exist but I am getting tired of fighting it. I wish to do art, create, write, sing, ALL THE TIME. All the voices in my head are speaking quite loudly right now with ideas, concepts, and visions of stuff. At times, I get emotional because I wonder how I might do things differently in my life to make my art whether it be my writing, my music, my illustrations, all three support me. I am seeing people around me do it and I am seeing creative artists do it and I wish to pick their brain a bit. I wish to find out how they support themselves as artists, how they carry out their visions, what are their habits, etc. I started off by talking about the work of Che Kothari. I will post a number of other folks I admire. The goal is to encourage myself to pursue my dreams and goals, to take them out of my head and my journal, into the world. Speaking of gutsy artists, I just learned about Shameless Maya today. (Thanks, Denise.) Maya Washington was born and raised in Toronto. She is Filipina and African-American. On her website she describes herself as: "I refer to myself as an artist. When I’m not storying telling with photographs or my voice I’m designing, revamping, producing, directing, or story telling with the many other creative outlets." She went to college for Classical Theatre and was kicked out after her second year. Now she lives in New York City and works as a photographer and a "shameless" self-promoter. I admire her "go-getterness" and the fact that she turned her rejected reality into something new and awesome. It reminds me of the spunk I had when I dared to organize and found a nationally touring film festival. I wish I still had some of that blind optimism and boldness. The truth is... I DO. I know it's here somewhere. Let me look for it. Anyway, something truly caught my eye on facebook the other day. FOLLOW YOUR FEAR DAY When I saw this and the fact that it falls on August 24, my birthday, I knew I had to do it. I am so doing this and I already have two "fears" in mind which I plan to face. I can't wait to get started. In the meantime, Ms. Shameless herself had some very wise words about how to view your art. This goes out to all "the starving artists, not all artists, just the starving ones". For me, it means seeing the value in your art and in how much "I believe in myself" and "believe in my work". I've got to stop feeling guilty about being "self-indulgent". So I am all for it. This is for me and all of the "starving artists" around me.

Blame It On My Thyroid (Or Lack There Of)

2013-05-19T10:30:00.000-04:00

I just came back from a run of 7 kilometres this morning. I am training for the Toronto Thyroid Cancer Awareness 10KM Run. At points during my run, I felt lethargic and my pace was just slightly quicker than a walk. I felt tired and I gave myself every excuse in the book that I could continue at that pace. Until I passed people that is. Whenever I did, I quickened my pace and found this new energy and then I would slow down again thinking about my aching legs... how tired I was... and I began to blame it on my thyroid. Unfortunately, I don't have a thyroid so I could blame it on the lack of a thyroid. With my thyroid absent, I have no metabolism regulation, protein regulation, etc. But I don't have that excuse either since I take Synthroid (replacement thyroid hormones) so that should take care of it. I think it's just easier to make excuses sometimes for the things I don't necessarily want to do OR find too hard to do. And it's damn difficult to run 7 kilometre. But I know I can do it. And I have done it before. Whenever I get to be focussed on excuses, my Eric Thomas voice gets in my head and says: STOP WITH THE EXCUSES!!!!!

Living Your Art

2013-05-16T02:28:00.000-04:00

I watched this video today, inspired by the work and words of Che Kothari. I was reminded of my artist self, my need to create and be creative, and I was saddened. I mourned this "artist" self. I wonder at times, where has it gone? Or if I am honouring this part of myself? I read up about Che and I admire that he is quite an accomplished photographer in his own right. However, in addition to being a remarkable artist, Che is an arts activist and visionary. He founded the Manifesto Festival in addition to a number of initiatives to promote the youth arts and culture and hip hop. I amazed that he not only took his art to help found a movement but his art has been supportive in a number of ways. Often, I think about being an artist and honouring this artist self in my every day life. Sometimes, I wonder, "What if I did things differently?" What if I pursued my art with a fervour as I did my career? What if my art was my career? It is a tension that is a very real one and informs me each day. If we have artistic talents and skills, then should we not be able to economically support ourselves with it?

New Year's Resolutions: The Halfway Mark

2013-05-14T07:25:00.000-04:00

I saw this video shared on my facebook and it caused me to reflect on my own New Year's Resolutions for 2013. This year, I started off with 10 resolutions/goals and then every 90 days, I have a set of about 10 or so goals that help me to break down the major ones. Here I go: 1. Meditate daily-- morning and night. 2. Train for a half-marathon. 3. Complete my Early Childhood Music Education coursework and learn guitar. 4. Write down lesson plans and units properly. 5. Join a writing group. 6. Start a writing mentorship. 7. Pay off all credit cards. 8. Blog once a week for each blog. 9. Take more care of my appearance. 10. Apply to an overseas international project, mentorship, and PhD. As I look at these goals, I am pleased to say that I am well on my way to achieving them like #2. I have also now begun doing #8 yet I decided to modify this goal-- do one blog, not two and daily, not weekly. Some I had to break down into bite-sized pieces like #2 training for a 10km event before training for the half-marathon (21km). Others, I have begun to pursue but are not realistic to complete in one year like #3 Complete my Early Childhood Music Education courses. I am working on one currently and hope to get two more done by the end of this year however this will mean that I still have three left to complete in 2014. Some goals I may modify because they are dependent on my financial situation. However, I believe that where there is a will, there is a way. Some goals like #5 will start today or later on in the year like #10. I am well on my way!

Vegan athletes solve the 'protein problem'

2013-05-12T20:02:00.002-04:00

One of the most frequent questions I get asked as a vegan is where does my protein come from. This clip is proof that you can still be an active and athletic while vegan. Great news as I prepare for my second running event as a vegan-- my 10km.

How to Start Listening to Your Body

2013-05-12T13:19:00.002-04:00

As I scanned through my facebook page this morning, I saw a post about this Deepak Chopra article on Oprah's website. It caught my eye especially since my husband and I had a chat this morning regarding stress, overcommitment, and health. I realize that I demand a lot from my body on a regular basis. Whether it is running 7.14 kilometres then doing a show yesterday OR starting my day at 5am to teach all day and then go to my course until 8:30 at night, I am as busy as ever. Being diagnosed with cancer, I immediately slowed down my schedule, my body, and my life. On the flipside, just two and a half years after my diagnosis, I have become clearer about my career objectives, my dreams and goals, as well as aware of the brevity of life. I admit that I am once again pursuing my life at full-speed. Sometimes, it takes an article like this that causes me to pause and listen... listen to my body. In order to do that, one must truly pause. It is not an instant quick fix yet it requires one to truly listen carefully. It requires one to STOP. To get to body awareness, Chopra says that there are "three practical things you can do today". He goes on to write: "To get on the path to increased awareness, say the following to yourself and then carry your words into action: 1. I will make choices to maximize the energy in my body. My body is my connection to the infinite supply of energy in the universe. If am feeling lack of energy in any way, it means that I am resisting the flow of this infinite supply. I will ask my body what it needs and will sincerely follow its advice. The ideal state is to experience such lightness that I do not feel bounded by my body. It and the world are one. 2. Before I act on any emotion, I will consult my heart. My heart is a reliable guide when I trust it. It monitors the emotions of others around me. This helps me experience empathy, compassion and love. The heart is the seat of emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence allows me to get in touch with my deepest self. It nurtures all relationships by reminding me to see myself in the other. 3. Lightness of being in my body will be my indicator of happiness. If I feel heavy or dull in my body, I will pay attention because these feelings are signs that I am inertia and the dreariness of habit over the potential that every moment has for freshness and new life (NOTE: does this mean sense? he is the dreariness of habit?). The best way to replenish my body is to give it what it needs most, whether it's sleep, rest, life-giving nourishment, the joy of movement or communion with nature." Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Start-Listening-to-Your-Body/3#ixzz2T6ELwgw2

Raising the Standard

2013-05-10T07:15:00.003-04:00

On May 1, I made some goals that I would do for 21 days. Looking now at my past week, I have not been consistent with all of them. In fact, out of the five or six or so I decided to pursue, I have only been consistent with two so far-- blogging daily and running. I haven't done yoga or practiced my instruments for the amount of time that I wanted to. I feel like a bit of a failure however, I realize now that I need to re-assess the situation. First of all, according to ET the Hip Hop Preacher, the Power of 21 does not mean you try to start a number of goals. You focus on one for 21 days and then add the others. So I have decided to modify my goals a bit. This month, or for the next 21 days, I will continue to focus on blogging daily and maintaining my running schedule. I will add the others in the next 21 days and the next and the next. Below, I have posted some video of Anthony Robbins, another motivational speaker, who insists that in order for a goal to be reached, it has to go from a want or a should to a must. Raising your standards creates changes in one's life.

The Toughest Thing,,,

2013-05-09T06:42:00.000-04:00

I've trained for and ran a half marathon... endured racial discrimination school experiences... other-mothered my youngest sister... been a latch-key child... been stood up in Montreal... had surgery and treatment for thyroid cancer... founded and organized a touring film festival across Canada (still my greatest achievement)... funded my own graduate studies (my third degree)... worked full-time while attending class four nights a week, but I still think the toughest thing that I have ever done in my life to date is teach. This year, I learned that my seniority level is ten years. Ten years? I was shocked to learn that I hit this milestone. I was impressed with my persistence and endurance. I was amazed that I lasted this long in the profession. There were so many times when I wanted to quit, could have quit, did quit, however something keeps pulling me back into the classroom something magical, creative, and heartfelt. Something has me devoting my spending on courses, workshops, and materials for my classroom, staying up all night, seeing the possibilities in my students, bureaucracy, mandatory and new initiatives and reforms, the political climate, the parents, the administration, the children... creating and re-creating and innovating and changing. It's not that I did not consider other careers or fields, well into my adulthood years. I considered everything from journalism to medicine to public relations to music therapy to social work to holistic health to naturopathic medecine to acting to policing to counselling to psychology. And no matter how many "information interviews", job shadowing, and volunteer experiences I have had, I keep coming back to teaching and education. I experience an inexplicable joy when I teach and it works. The possibility of successes helps me to overlook the difficult stuff. In teaching, I can be artistic and creative, help people, and share what I am passionate about. So yesterday was National Teacher's Day in the United States and the day before, it was National Teacher's Day on May 6. (In Canada, we celebrate this day on October 5.) I recently watched a TED Talk by educator and veteran Rita Pierson who has taught for forty years. Dr. Pierson is vibrant and funny and speaks on the importance of a caring adult for a child. It is a reminder to me of the importance and value of what I do.

Lacing Up for the Toronto Thyroid Cancer Awareness Run

2013-05-08T06:10:00.002-04:00

I'm lacing up again. I have been wanting to do another running event for the longest time. The last time I did a running event was in 2011 when I did the Scotiabank Waterfront 5k. At the time, I raised $ 300 for Wellspring, a supportive community for people impacted by cancer. The run was fun and manageable. The event was also to do my Funky Sexy Manifesto #25 Raise Money for Cancer. The event was a lot of fun as well.

Also, I had run a half marathon in 2009. So my goal essentially this year was (and is) to run another half marathon. Given that I have trained for one in the past, I know how important it is to be prepared to run a half marathon and that training is essential. Rushing into training, increasing one's pace too quickly, and not taking a lot of things into account can cause injuries. Training for my half marathon in 2009 was a stop and re-start affair due to the fact that I kept getting injuries like: black toe, shin splints, and hip bursitis. None of those injuries was a walk in the park. As a result, I am in no rush to run the half marathon again. I know it's not the kind of event I can just start training for whenever the desire hits me. My experiences have been very painful lessons that have caused me to adopt certain practices which I will share in a future post. On top of it, I was in a car accident in February 2013, so stressing my body with hours of running each week for the half marathon I set my eyes on in May was not in the question. If I did the training to fast, I would have felt it. So instead, I changed my goal. I will run a series of shorter events in preparation for the half marathon this fall. After my accident, I stopped running for a month and I was concerned that I would not have enough training to run the 5km event in May either. But when one door closes, another one opens and for me this came in the result of an event of The Toronto Thyroid Cancer Awareness Run on Saturday, June 8, 2013 in High Park. Click here if you would like to find out more about Thyroid Cancer and the organizers Thyroid Cancer Canada. I will be running 10 kilometres in this event and I am so excited and pumped. I have re-started my training in April and I am well on my way of meeting my running goal. Please support me in this endeavour by either joining the run or donating today.

Food for thought

2013-05-07T05:35:00.000-04:00

I am really blessed. I get daily inspiration through a variety of sources and it helps me immensely to read good stuff. Two blogs that I am enjoying right now are: Truth According to Trey and The Diary of A Personal Development Fanatic. Each blog has provided me with valuable insight to help me achieve my own goals. I happen to know and admire the work of both bloggers-- Lennox Cadore and Trey Anthony. Having a taken an unofficial hiatus from writing this blog, it has allowed me to peruse and read the blogs of others. I am learning valuable lessons about success, how to achieve, and improve myself. Trey Anthony is: Creator, writer, producer, and actor of the hitplay/show 'da Kink in my hair. Currently I'm a work in progress. Trying to be a better person each day. Madly obsessed with Oprah. I want to be on her network, so I'm just putting it out there to the Universe! Loves to observe life. A writer, a daughter, a sister, a lover, a business womyn. I love call display so I can avoid answering people's calls! I love curling up with a good book! Dig passionate conversation with smart, passionate, inspiring people. Secretly eats chocolate brownie ice-cream whenever depressed or happy. I write my best "stuff" when I'm angry. I snoop on people's pictures on facebook even though i have no idea who they are! Trying to always poop and scoop when out with my dog, but I definitely do when others are watching. I have natural hair but sometimes have weave envy. Really seriously thinking about creating a family, love kidz!.... A lover of books and life! (as posted on her blog) She posts social commentary about particular issues and events as well as goals she is working on. She also discusses ways she is trying to improve herself. I think beyond being a wonderful inspiration in the media and arts world, trey's greatest other achievement is inspiring others. Here is her ted talk: Then there is Lennox Cadore who created his blog to: this blog is dedicated to helping people to attain their ideal body through a healthy fitness lifestyle. Lennox Cadore is striving to attain his own physical fitness as well and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Inspiring others is one of Lennox' gifts and I had experienced that when he helped me to develop a nationally touring film festival. I think these two individuals are doing great work. When you're in the business of inspiring others to make positive changes in their lives, improve the quality of their lives, to live healthy lives, you know that you're on to something. This has to be one of the achievements that supersedes everything. Congratulations to both fellow bloggers.

Back On My Regiment

2013-05-05T11:11:00.002-04:00

Going to the gym or doing any form of exercise for that matter, it is quite an everyday struggle. I need to renew my commitment daily. I am happy with my fitness level but I only wish for it to get better. Yesterday, I went shopping for the first time in months and I was so happy to find clothes that actually fit me properly instead of lamenting the ones at home that fit me tightly. On my quest for motivation this morning, I found this music video by stic.man of dead prez. Now here is some music that I can work out too and be motivate by (and groove to). Gettin' my workout on... My yoga on... My vegan on...

Music Issue of VegNews

2013-05-04T18:52:00.003-04:00

I am loving the latest issue of VegNews magazine. It's called The Music Issue and it's so long overdue. In addition to punk and pop articles, there is a whole section on hiphop icons who have gone vegan. Artists like Erykah Badu, MC Lyte, Russell Simmons, and dead prez. By the way, stic.man of dead prez is the husband of Vegan Soulfood Guide to the Galaxy cookbook author/holistic health counsellor/master crochet-er Afiya Ibomu. Then there are a whole host of artists that I have never heard of. They even gave a shout out to Canadian hip hop artist k-os who I have met on a few occasions. Although he has stood me up twice for failing to honour his commitment to appear at events I organized, I will let it go on account that he is vegan. In fact, here is a video that he did talking about his veganism for PETA. Then there are folks I'd like to read more about like most of the members of the Roots and WuTang Seeing this kind of stuff connects my heart and my soul (and my ears) to the reason why I've become vegan in the first place. Well, I am technically a vegan who eats ovo-/lacto-desserts. I am not fully okay with that either. I think it is contradictory however this is something I am trying to work on. However I am prouder than ever to be veg. Pick up your copy of VegNews today.

I Love Being On the Stage

2013-05-04T11:02:00.000-04:00

One day of making my resolution about blogging for 21 days, I broke it. So one of the things I do as a result is: 1) Re-start the 21 days or 2) Do twice as much the next day. (No use in condemning and criticizing myself, the world does enough of that sometimes. I am only human.) So today, I will write two separate posts. Also, during the 21 days, I am breaking the rule a bit by adding other resolutions. The others are: 1) Practicing my recorder for 10 minutes each day check 2) Practicing the guitar for 15 minutes each day (I am mostly teaching myself and it's been a lifelong dream to learn. My hubby bought me a lovely Fender blonde acoustic guitar.) check 3) Either run or do yoga each day. started yesterday And the others, well, let's just put it this way. They're a bit more challenging including: 1) Getting to work 15 minutes earlier 2) Meditating twice daily And I know when life gets especially busy, the "extra" ones are tougher to commit to. Eric Thomas suggests focusing on one of these habits each month and then adding another. While Les Brown suggests completing a list of 7 daily habits which help one get closer to their goal. What's my overall goal here? Is there method to my madness? Well, part of my goal just dawned on me very clearly yesterday. I am in love with performing. I love to be onstage. I really do. I guess it's something that I've known all along but I think I have forgotten how important it is to have performance in my life. It's the kind of thing when it is not there, I feel it. But when it is there, it feels quite unimaginably amazing and I walk on a cloud for weeks. In some sense, I feel like i am not your typical performer. I have a "day job" as a teacher-- a career which involves a lot of performance in its own right. I am also an introvert and am not the "life of the party"-type. However, put me on a stage and you'll something totally opposite. I'm not quite a Michael Jackson (who was painfully shy but an amazing performer.) Yet, I think back and the most amazing thing about being in high school for me was the countless opportunities to perform in skits, choirs, vocal ensembles I formed with other students, presentations, and bands. Outside of school, I performed at piano and jazz recitals as well as competitions (which always had my tummy turning upside down). Take my most recent performance last Sunday, April 28th with the Heritage Singers which I absolutely loved. I got to perform and embody Jamaican folk music-- religious songs, spirituals, mento, hymns,... It is quite a soulful experience. (Here's an article about last year's show.) The amazing thing is the costumes, the songs, the movement... everything. At one of our recent shows, a women of Scottish heritage who used to perform Scottish Gaelic songs and dance shared with me, "There's something about performing a song that is three hundred years old." I agree. There is something about a song that is so old, also a tradition that is so old. I love being a part of it. I feel it. So what does this mean now for me as I turn 36? I am no spring chicken. I am not 12 years old or some 18 year old hungry for success who decides to move to Los Angeles or Atlanta (sorry Janelle Monae). No, I don't think I'm running off to any place. Instead, what this could mean is the necessity of putting a lot more performance opportunities back into my life. Everything from piano recitals to performing with Heritage Singers to storytelling outside of my classroom (my newest venture but I get to practice on my students) to giving workshops and presentations. Part of my resistance to doing these things in the first place is the fear of not being good enough but the truth is, I am right. I am never good enough meaning there will always be room for practice and improvement so since I have now released myself from that, I can go with it. I can surrender it. I am not perfect. I also share this love of performance with my students as I give them opportunities to perform by preparing songs and routines. My French and music students have already done several performances this past school year. The first few performances were a little rough but it keeps on getting better and better. I am developing other projects as well thanks to community partners-- a primary and a junior/intermediate choirs, as well as steel pan program. Performance has given many of my students an opportunity to shine. They love performing (to a fault). The level of focus and attentiveness I seen from many when performance is the goal supersedes the work they produce in class. I spoke with my husband about and he totally knows what I am talking about. He agrees. He lives it as a musician. So my dreams and goals include performance. In addition to writing books for children and young adults, as well as you my adult audience, I will continue to be a performer musically. In fact, I dream of being a children's entertainer/performer and put together shows, programs, that entertain, educate, and inspire. And how do I know I'm on to something? I think it's because it doesn't feel like work to me. No matter how exhausted, bone-aching tired I am in the real world, I can always muster enough energy to perform and write. Now let's get on with the show.

The Power of 21

2013-05-03T00:24:00.001-04:00
I realized over the last couple of days that it is May, the fifth month of the year. I realized that all of the resolutions I set for myself this year were not going to happen by themselves. In fact, it dawned on me that there was nothing really stopping me from achieving them. I could hold them to myself, keep them to myself, not share the secrets with anyone else so no one would expect anything from me, not hold me accountable just in case I failed to reach these goals... but in the end, the only person who loses out in the end, without any of the goals attempted or accomplished, is me. One reason for my shift in thinking is listening to motivational speakers regularly. Call it self-brainwashing but these messages came at a time when they were absolutely necessary for me, my happiness, and my growth. I have been listening to and watching over the last few months these motivational speakers. Thank you to Trey Anthony for her post and introducing me to two speakers who have been influential in my transformation. Les Brown and Eric Thomas also known as ET The Hip Hop Preacher One concept Eric Thomas talked about is the Power of 21 which I realize is not a new concept or his concept for that matter. However ET's presentation of this subject as well as a host of others through his "tough love" motivational speaking-style (he talks rather yells like Jah Rule) is very unique. So he says that to establish new habits, you must continue doing them for at least 21 days. One of the things I have an issue with that ET talks about is "starting" and "stopping", constantly. This explains me to a tee whether it is training for a running event, writing a book, or learning the guitar, "starting and stopping" has been the story of my life. I also know that Malcolm Gladwell, author of Outliers and Blink, writes about working 10, 000 hours at something in order to master it. So I am doing my best to re-write the script and build some new habits. These ideas have shifted the way I look at goal-setting. I need to do whatever I can now and through persistent, small steps, I will reach my goals. So my life, "post cancer", is pretty intense as I pursue, no, run after my goals. One of my goals this month is to blog at least once a week. For the next 21 days, I decided to pursue certain goals-- one of which is blog daily. It could be a photo, a music video, or even on my other blog, anything that inspires me and helps me to live my best life. And hopefully, as I pursue this goal, I can inspire others as well. I have my own list of what exactly I will focus on for the next 21 days and I will be choosing how I will share these. Essentially, this Blue Butterfly blog was started about my cancer journey but there is so much more that I have been getting out of life after cancer. Each day, I feel like I am getting closer to reaching my goals and making my dreams a reality. It's a great feeling.

E-mails to Blue Butterfly #7

2013-01-03T13:36:00.001-05:00
I received this e-mail today from a reader in response to The Cancer Survivors Companion book review: Hi Blue Butterfly, I read your blog post [about The Cancer Survivors Companion] and had to respond...I love the honesty, especially about feeling like your cancer "wasn't that bad". I too had similar feelings for the longest time because they told me I had a "good" brain cancer. I feel that the guilt I had associated with having the good one was brought on mostly by doctors telling me that I had nothing to worry about, only recently have I realized that my fears and anxieties are valid, as there is no such thing as good cancer. Anyways I love the blog. Colin This is an excerpt from my response: Thank you so much Colin. I was a little weary about publishing that post because it was sooo raw and is exactly where I am right now. However obviously you connected to it too. Sometimes we just need some permission to grieve about what we've been through and lost. I know I certainly did and I think this book helped me to do that. Give myself permission. Thanks for sharing. Also, may I publish your e-mail? I will not use your name however I like what you said and I think other readers can relate.

The Cancer Survivor's Companion

2013-01-02T23:56:00.000-05:00

It's been a little over a year since my last book review and for this one, I write about a book that I discovered quite accidentally at the library. I was coming back from gathering books about children's illustration and writing, when I passed the aisle of books about cancer-- an aisle I hadn't visited in a longtime. Very prominently placed on the shelf were two books about surviving cancer-- one that looked a little outdated and another title, The Cancer Survivor's Companion: Practical ways to cope with your feelings after cancer by Dr. Frances Goodhart and Lucy Atkins, which were new to me. I thought I'd leave these books behind because I didn't think I needed it. Against my better judgement, I continued walking away but then I stopped. I realized that maybe this book could help me to understand some of the anxieties I have been experiencing a lot. So I turned around and signed out this book. I have been feeling anxiety more frequently and part of me feels like I shouldn't be having these anxieties and that I should be over this by now. As a thyroid cancer survivor, a part of me still feels like I didn't have it that bad which is even more reason to feel like I should not be having anxieties. I feel exhausted at the end of a work day and at times during the day especially on Friday afternoons when I have some of my most challenging classes to teach. Again, there are when I feel, "Why am I feeling this way? I'm weak. It's been two years since my diagnosis." I have also begun to feel disappointed that I feel like I'm not doing as much I used to and not able to do as much as I used to. Sometimes I feel like others will pass me by as I slow down. I also feel this pressure to accomplish a lot of things before it is too late and by "too late" I mean, recurrence or even death. I feel more impatient and hurried with my dreams and blame myself for not having accomplished certain things by now. I also have fears that if I feel too stressed, upset, or "worked up", the cancer will come back. Of course, this is all going on inside of my head sometimes at the same time. Sounds like a piece of work, right? My mind's a busy place. Then along comes The Cancer Survivor's Companion which was written by a British clinical psychologist Dr. Frances Goodhart and a health journalist Lucy Atkins. For over twenty years, Dr. Goodhart has worked with individuals and families coping with life-threatening illnesses namely cancer. Lucy Atkins helped to put the academic lingo into "plain speak". There wrote this book because frankly there was no book like this on the market. Although there were many case studies and quotes from Goodhart's practice, these were mostly from clients over the age of 50. I didn't think I could relate so I almost stopped reading this book. Although some of the organizational and health references are different as they refer to the United Kingdom, this book is helpful. However, as I flipped through the rest of it, I realized that there was a lot I could relate to. (I read much of it while on a flight and visiting New York City. I am still here as I type this review.) First of all, this book helped me to articulate and name some of the feelings and thoughts I am having. There are chapters on worries, depression and low mood, anger, self-esteem and body image, as well as fatigue. It helped me to find descriptors for how these feelings have been surfacing in different areas of life. In the chapter on Body Image and Self-Esteem, the authors list "thought traps" for example: - Minimising: "Yeah, I made lunch, but I used to do ten times as much in a day'; 'OK, so I've started to work on my weight but it will never make the scars go'. There are also strategies describing how to overcome these "traps". Second of all, the book normalized these thoughts for me and helped me to realize that it is only natural for me to experience them. After all, I have been through a life-threatening illness and many feelings come up months, even years later. Just because the threat of cancer is no longer present, it does not mean my emotions and mind has caught up to that, still in a "fight or flight" mode. Some of the case studies I read, reminded me of things I said or experienced. If other people experience them, then I am not alone. In the conclusion, there are the helpful statements: In the very least, this book should have shown you that you are not mad or weak or 'different' because of what you're going through. There are thousands of people wrestling with similar post-cancer emotions right now. Third, it helped me to be more patient with myself. The book helped me acknowledge that cancer has shifted my world view and I am trying to get used to "the new me". I identified with a client mentioned in one particular case study of a 35-year old testicular cancer survivor named Jamal who after cancer felt inadequate in his role as a father, husband, and paramedic. After getting to know his 'new self' and completing exercises, he did adjust. 'I don't feel like the same person I was before. I've changed- my attitude to life, my job, my roles- everything... It's ongoing, but nowadays, at least I feel I can do it: I can be a good dad, paramedic, and husband. Not the one I was before, but the one I am now.' The Cancer Survivor's Companion was not around when I looked for a book about survivorship a year ago but I found it at a great time. Published in 2011, this book made it's way into my life and helped me to feel that I deserve to be "kinder" and "gentler" to myself. There are many exercises to help cope with some of the feelings that I have been experiencing including ways to deal with some recurring issues such as fatigue and difficulty in relaxing. After reading this book, I feel like I have some useful tools. As a result, I feel the need to adjust some of my New Year's Resolutions and goals for this year to create SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-sensitive) goals. It's not that they all can't get done, but they shouldn't be created with an old sense of what I was able to do before. I wish to suit my goals to who I am now and celebrate the many things that I have been able to accomplish.

2012 Highlights

2013-01-01T23:54:00.001-05:00
This past year has been full of many highlights for me. In the spirit of gratitude, I wish to list twelve of the best things that happened to me this year. I enjoyed sharing special moments and celebrating with my family and friends. 1) Getting married in Jamaica to my husband Adam This day was a dreamy one for me. So much about that moment was magical.

2) Returning to work full-time in my "dream assignment" teaching music I am back at my teaching job full-time. Over ten years ago, I had a dream in which I sat in a circle singing with young children on the carpet with my hair in dredlocks. Teaching continues to be a challenging endeavour for me. I am teaching my dream assignment-- early childhood music-- complete with dredlocks and sitting on the carpet. This aspect of my job is a lot of fun and it does not feel like work.

3) Moving to a new apartment Not quite an enjoyable process yet it has created a new energy and coziness that I am welcoming more and more into my life.

4) Taking a writing class in non-fiction writing for children I have taken other writing classes in recent years but this was a class I have been meaning to take for quite some time. This was a fun class and it lit a little fire under my ass to keep writing and try to get published. I learned how to write query letters, target publications, and select topics.

5) Joining the Heritage Singers I fell in love with Jamaican folk music as a child and I think that this admiration never left me. This year I got my "sing on" by joining the Heritage Singers, a Caribbean folk group founded in 1977. This past year, I got to perform

6) Celebrating my 35th birthday at AfroPunk It has always been a dream for me to attend the annual AfroPunk Festival in Brooklyn. This festival all started with an American documentary film called AfroPunk that came out in 2003 directed and produced by James Spooner. I had the pleasure of not only working with a film festival that screened his film but I organized my own screening at a my university campus. So when I found out that two of the headlining acts were Erykah Badu and Janelle Monae,

7) Being the Editor of TCC Newsletter I was pleased to be asked to be the editor of the Thyroid Cancer Canada Newsletter. I edited three issues: Spring 2012, Summer 2012, and Winter 2012-13 and wrote articles for three. It was a wonderful experience and I plan to continue writing for this publication from time to time however I have had to step down from the role of editor in order to devote more time to my writing.

8) Going to Cottage Dreams Thanks to some really generous cottage owners, my husband and I got to stay at a beautiful spot in Muskoka. Cottage Dreams is a program that helps "families touched by cancer reconnect and rejuvenate at a private, donated cottage". This experience was such a blessing for us and we are so grateful to the couple who gave this opportunity to us. It was like a Honeymoon #2. The five days were peaceful and serene and soothing for us as we enjoyed this lakeside cottage. We definitely wish to repeat this experience.

9) Illustrating a poster I enjoyed the process of illustrating for this poster and this cause. Drawing has always been one of my favourite hobbies and as I got older, I have less and less time to devote to it. However, there are times, when I can draw for ours on end. Earlier on this year when I was working part-time, I sought opportunities to earn income through my other talents. I am so thankful that I could use this talent and passion for a little bit of income.

10) Trying to run my food delivery business Another way I tried to earn some extra income was by running a short-lived vegan lunch delivery service. Well, maybe I was trying to run a prototype. I have grown to love cooking vegan dishes more and more. I have been toying with the idea of starting some sort of food business so when my friend in law school was requesting some healthier meal options, I took this opportunity to test out my "side hustle". I operated this business for two months and it was a lot of work. I found it challenging and fun but time consuming. In the end, I decided that for now, I will give my vegan cooking away for free.

11) Attend conferences and workshops I got the opportunity this year to attend some workshops to help me in my practice as a music and French teacher as well as a writer. I love school and learning opportunities so I was totally in my element.

12) Wedding blog My wedding blog has been fun to assemble and I have enjoyed sharing the planning phases and celebrations with friends and family. I plan to continue to add new posts in the future as I get "caught up" with all that has taken place in the past year.

Changes

2012-12-29T01:05:00.000-05:00
Some things have changed for me. Big time.

1. Absence I have not written on my blog in months. Three months. I continue to write daily but in my journal instead. This daily practice has meant the world to me, giving me quiet, solace, space, and time during my day to reflect, get centred and also escape. I think some of the absence is related to the need for me to keep my thoughts contained, own my thoughts, and in writing on the internet, blogging, you share your thoughts, you give them away... Nonetheless, I am thrilled to know that my Blue Butterfly blog still continues to be read by many and hit 100, 000 pageviews in October. I will share my thoughts as I am ready.

2. Loss I am not as involved in a lot of cancer- and thyroid-cancer related activities. Right now, I feel like I need a break. Today, I just learned a fifth young person who I met through young adult cancer circles has past away. I only spoke to Naomi Baker on a few occasions at the YACC Conference in 2011. I since learned that Naomi is an artist, she has two Mater's degrees, and she was also a teacher like me. She also had this calm spirit about her. Maybe it was the Kris Carr-inspired Crazy, Sexy, Cancer life that she lived. (Naomi shared with me that she attended a retreat with Kris and spent time speaking with her. Naomi promised to connect me with some interesting lectures that Kris did but I never pursued it.)

I felt sad, hurt, and disgusted when I discovered this news. Why is she gone? Like me, she got married this year seemingly suggesting that she had many more years to live. I know she was sick but it doesn't seem fair. Part of me almost wish I didn't meet her, so I do not feel a sense of loss. I know that sounds selfish, doesn't it? Rest in peace Naomi. These losses from the young adult cancer community has been something I think contributed to distancing myself from the cancer groups. In April, I lost a friend to stomach cancer-- her name is Agnes Kwasnicka.

Agnes Kwasnicka, Dr. Kwasnicka, was only 35 years old when she passed away. I met Agnes and her partner Greg through a Toronto Vegetarian Association (TVA) event called the Compassionate Marketplace. Agnes and Greg were volunteering at the registration table and signed me up as a member. Agnes recognized my name when she saw it written down because she had visited this blog. Like me, she was a vegan and as we talked, I learned that she was also a cancer survivor. I still feel a lot of sadness with the passing of Agnes. In fact, I had not written about it on this blog until today. It was too hard. Today, I went to dinner with two of my friends at Fresh. As we took our seats, I realized that I was sitting down at the very booth where I last sat with Agnes. It was about a year ago when I went to Fresh for brunch with her and some of the young adults we met in the cancer community. This was the last time I saw her before she moved out west to be closer to family to spend her last days. Agnes was my friend for a few reasons. She attended my positive prognosis by attending my Celebration of Life fundraising picnic. I am still amazed that she celebrated this day with me, that day I thought I was "cured" based on what my endocrinologist, Endo #4, told me, but technically I was (and still am) in remission which is not a word that thyroid cancer doctors seem to use as is done with other cancers. (In November this year, at the follow-up after my September scan, my new Endo, Endo #5, told me I am "low risk of recurrence" and require "annual follow-up".) As a doctor, Agnes would have known that I will most likely be cured and live a very normal life post-thyroid cancer. She would have also known very well the course her own disease would take. Her prognosis was not positive like mine yet she came out to my potluck picnic with her partner Greg, their two dogs, and a vegan dish in tow. She came. She came to celebrate with me. How selfless!

Agnes also made an extra effort to include me in activities with other young adult cancer survivors. She was wise, thoughtful, and intelligent and I wished so much that I had contacted her when she first moved away. She moved away in January, by February I thought about her and sent her a card in March. When she did not respond to my e-mails and I read her blog with updates, I had a feeling that things were not looking good. Greg had indicated that she was not able to respond to the e-mails but that he could share them with her. I felt silly sending e-mails to Agnes about my upcoming wedding and the plans and seemingly trivial questions. I desperately hoped to communicate with her but it wasn't long before I got the news that she was gone. After her passing, I attended a dinner with a few friends of Agnes from the young adult cancer community. I had a hole inside and I wanted to find others who knew her and could relate. (I had already lost my Uncle C (Horace) just a few weeks prior. Uncle C passed away suddenly on a visit to Jamaica just a few months before our wedding which he was supposed to attend. My husband and I missed him so much.) I attended a memorial for Agnes at Wellspring. In October, I also attended a memorial organized by Greg at St. Michael's Hospital to launch a scholarship in her memory where I was asked to say a few words. Ironically, I knew Agnes in the "cancer world" as a fellow survivor yet many in the "vegan/vegetarian" world, one that I was new to but she and Greg belonged to for many years, did not know she was ill at all. She was such a dedicated volunteer to this cause. Here is an article written by a TVA staff member of the Toronto Vegetarian Association. In her last years, Agnes focused on her life, people, her husband, her family and her activism. I once asked her what she wanted her funeral to be like. She told me she doesn't want to think about that. She focuses on living. At the Wellspring memorial, I dedicated a song Greg asked me to share with other young adult cancer survivors who wished to remember Agnes. It was a song that Agnes requested to have played at her funeral. The time that I knew Agnes was very short, not even a year, but it had a huge impact on my life. The stories about Agnes I hear from others who knew her, she sounds mouthy and "punk rock" and fiercely vegan. (A lot of the young cancer survivors I have met are kind of "punk rock".) I would have loved to get to know her better.

3. Work The third thing that changed for me is returning to work full-time. What a huge change! I didn't think I would last 6+ hours each day teaching up to nine classes and 200+ student again but I made it through the last four months with a totally new teaching assignment. I am teaching Music and French from kindergarten to Grade 8. It's quite a challenge. At the end of the teaching day, I am exhausted. There isn't much energy for anything else which brings me to...

4. My Introverted Nature I am such an introvert. I realize now that I have always been an introvert. As a child, I used to prefer staying in at recess so that I could finish my art projects. Or if I did go out for recess, I would read books or share the books that I made with other kids or hang out with one or two friends. I was a bit of a loner and even if others didn't see me that way, I identified with being a loner. Now in my adult years, post-cancer, I realize that I especially crave the quiet spaces and times that I had during the months of recovery/healing time after surgery. During this time, I would spend hours journaling, blogging, meditating, doing yoga, and reading. During my four day radioactive isolation in 2011, I sketched pictures and journalled lots. Now, I am two years after my diagnosis and I am still trying to make meaning of this introverted nature that feels even stronger. Part of me is scared, terrified by the fact that I am more clearly aware than ever before that life is short and I am even more reflective and introspective than before. I treasure my life and think often about how to make it more fulfilling and happy. It is a bit of a contradiction for me since I have done so many extraverted things in my life and love performing and being in front of an audience. I think I figured out how to function much better now in a world where extraverts get ahead, rewarded, and acknowledged. At heart, I don't follow the crowd and stand a part from the pack.

5. I'm a Writer... I'm a Writer... I'm a Writer I'm a writer and as of late, I have been having these insistent thoughts that I must write a lot more than I have before. A few weeks ago, I woke up at 2:30am on a worknight with the urge to write. The urge was so strong and would not leave me and so I got up and started to write. Another night, I could not sleep after reading a list of African-Canadian children's books written since 2000. The list had twenty books and was very narrow in topical focus, mostly about slavery and the Underground Railroad. Most of the writers weren't African-Canadian. I wondered who would write the books for African-Canadian children now? I couldn't sleep with that thought and lay awake for hours as my mind raced. I want to write but I've got to eat. I have had a few conversations with writers lately and some encouraged me to pursue this passion and it's still to come. My frustration is that I lack energy and time at the end of an intense workday to start working on my books. So recently, I decided to take my eyes off another Master of Fine Arts (MFA) in Writing for Children program at the Vermont College of Fine Arts just long enough to acknowledge what I feel that I need. (I applied to UBC's MFA in Creative Writing program in 2011.) I also need to journal every morning (and sometimes evening) or else the day just does not seem right.

So I've ordered every book from the library about writing and illustrating for children. I need a mentor!!! I need a doula, a midwife, someone to help coach me through the journey of writing for publication. I need someone to help me focus and work diligently to complete at least one book project. The first one I wish to complete is one that I have worked on for the last three years which is about seventy pages in length. So I will be applying to some mentorships in the new year and until I can figure out how I will finance a $ 40, 000+ MFA program at VCFA without any funding from Canada, the United States, or anyone else, I will try to get some writing mentorship (a much more affordable option for me) somewhere. I am meeting other writers more and more and there are so many who offer their words of wisdom and help me see that you can earn a living at this. I am actually starting to see myself more and more as a writer who can actually make a life out of this. Some of my students have started making books that they illustrate. When they show these stapled paper booklets with pencil-drawn images to me, I am so impressed and honoured and excited. I love it! They are self-publishing. They are trusting me to look at their manuscripts. I am sooo excited. I feel sort of like their mentors. So these changes listed hear still mean that there is still a year of changes awaiting me and with that more growth to come. I look forward to it.

Low Iodine Diet: The Sequel

2012-09-24T00:05:00.001-04:00
It's official. I've got my Thyrogen. I've been on the Low Iodine Diet (LID) for the passed week. In some ways, I feel like I've gone back in time as I prepare for my scan this week. A few months ago, I cried in the nurse's office as she told me the details of my scan-- the number of appointments, the Thyrogen injections, the bloodtests, and then finally the scanning dose of radiation. That was the last straw. Radiation, again. It was a strange thing for me to realize that I had to enter the world of thyroid cancer again. Especially since I felt like I left my status of cancer patient behind. But there I was crying in the nurse's office and when I dried my tears, I began to cry again.

"Why am I crying?" I wondered. It didn't make sense. "Why can't I stop?" I barely cried when I was diagnosed two years ago. I didn't cry at my surgery. I didn't cry when I was in complete isolation for for four days. Why was I crying now? Logically speaking, doing the scan and preparing for it wasn't any worse than anything I had been through already. I won't need to go into complete radioactive isolation for four days. I decided to do my scan in September. After the wedding. After I had gone back to work. After I had some time to prepare for it... mentally... I can do this. Last Sunday, I drove to four different health and natural food stores looking for salt-free foods. Iodine free salt is not sold in Canada is what someone told me. I ended up using the Windsor Salt from the last time I was on the LID a year ago. I realized this week that I can do this. I just can't wait to get past it. So in the meantime, I am enjoying a largely whole foods like beans and rice minus the salt. I can do this. I can get drug benefit coverage reimbursement for the $ 1594 I spent on the Thyrogen.

I will go to the appointments that I need to. Another woman going who was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, told me that this scan is part of the follow-up. The protocol. When I asked Endo #3 if I had to do a scan, he said no. That put it completely out of my head. No more radiation. No more hospital. No more LID. Lies. But then Endo #4, my new endo, told me I needed to do this. Disappointment. Betrayed? Tears. I will get past this. I am sleepy but a different kind of tired. At least I don't have to come off my Synthroid for two weeks. At least I don't need to be in withdrawal from synthetic thyroid hormone. I will get past this. The scan is a much lower dose of radiation to see that the cancer cells are gone. I will need to be away from children for 3-5 days. I will need to sleep in a separate bed from my husband for about that long.

I wonder will that mean I don't need to think about cancer after the scan this Friday. Maybe... maybe not. I hadn't thought about it for a while even as the editor for the Thyroid Cancer Canada newsletter. When I go to the gym to workout, I have stopped thinking about the fact that I "beat the odds" or are defying the cancer that attacked my body. Cancer had started fading into my memory as something in my past. I want cancer to stay there.