How adversity has affected my life

Diagnoses and Living with Fibromyalgia

2017-09-21T01:59:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to write some good news as to what I have been up too.
Been sick for many months so everything I have been doing is just taking care of myself. It is all you can do when you have a terminal disease.

After many tests then experimental natural medicine and Pharmacy drugs I hope to be on the road to normalcy. If you have never had a long-term illness normalcy is not a normal life. It's just the most normal I can hope for.

When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia the doctor said: "I have good news and bad news which do you want first?"

"Give me the good news first."

"Well, Denise you have Fibromyalgia. Now you at least have a name for your illness."

"And the bad news is there is no cure so you will have it the rest of your life."

I was relieved to know it wasn't imaginary after Ten years of being told it was in my head. I learned how to live and work with it. Knowing I had to use time and energy wisely helped. The main problem was family and friends didn't understand what my body was going through. They would suggest exercise, special food diets, detox chemicals and metals out of my body. People just didn't understand I needed to sleep 14 hours a day. I couldn't go for walks anymore. I had to save the energy to bath, cook, clean house.

I was only 30 years old when I first had signs of the disease.
I continued to work and raise kids until I turned 58 years old. As the years passed the disease progressively got worse.
After getting fired for being sick I went on disability. Its taken three years but I am having some luck with a better life than it had been. Working is a privilege when you have a terminal illness. So many take it for granted, I loved to work. But my body said, "You are done, no more."

Its ok now I do all the things I didn't have time or energy for. Writing, painting, reading, and family on the days the pain isn't taking me down. Just started taking Lyrica, it is expensive but the Fibromyalgia is getting worse as the years go by. I do have a good Doctor who is willing to make my life as normal as possible if being limited is any kind of normal. I smile and try to laugh when I can it helps to accept the miserable existence.

Have a great day I will try

Words, Paint, Voice

2017-03-13T11:49:00.001-04:00

A writer paints a picture with words,
A painter paints a story with paint,
But, a singer paints a story and a picture with their song. by Denise Fletcher

Wean me off these drugs

2017-01-07T21:32:00.001-05:00

Been a member of the Fibromyalgia English/Afrikaans quite some time and it helped me through some rough times. This past month I had enough of medication that just did not work. Told my doctor enough was enough, wean me off these drugs. It was tough. I survived the withdrawals. Less pain now, less stiffness, but thank goodness I am not being videotaped daily. 

The mood swings from tears, anger, laughter, confusion, frustration and did develop high blood pressure now. I take aspirin and medical marijuana as needed, it does work. Not daily either. Just when the pain is intolerable. Now if I could just get the emotional fixed, but the pharmaceutical drugs has so many negative effects on me I would rather be known as the crazy lady who lives with 2 dogs, artist who paints pictures, and smokes pot.

My energy level skyrocketed from sleeping 14 hours a day and 10 hours of exhaustion to sleeping 6 hours a day and getting so much done that I had never dreamed possible again in my life. I was diagnosed 1996, symptoms started at least 10 years before. Saw many psychiatrists over that 10 years, no one knew what Fibro was. Had many family and friends giving me advice on exercise and diet. Even this past year had someone tell me I just needed to move more, did not respond to her skinny self (20+ years younger than me) with a husband and two sons to help her to do all the things I do not have help with. This is why I call Fibromyalgia the stupid disease, for the stupid things people say to us with the disease. They are not educated in the disease and chose not to understand the disease.

I am so sad Santa Claus is a pedophile and so is the Easter Bunny

2016-03-31T14:19:00.000-04:00

I found out this week that pedophiles get the jobs doing Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny just so they can feel up your child.

Elmos were caught in Time Square inappropriately touching passerby while they were visiting the Big Apple.

Furry creeps in Time Square. Click the furry creeps link to get a full story and credits regarding a story from the New York Post.

To think I use to sit on Santa Claus' lap and encourage my children and grandchildren to do the same.

Makes you wonder now when you see a picture of a baby or small child crying if they didn't know instinctively that there was something wrong with the person in the costume.

Let's join together and stop child abuse of any form. I am realistic knowing we can not stop all but let's try and stop most of the abuse .

I have survived my abuse, well kind of. It has affected most of my life negatively, but now I am doing what I do best, talk about it. I was ashamed and felt guilty from what happened to me. Mostly because others made me feel bad that I allowed it to happen to me. Some still try and make me feel bad, not happening.

I lost my innocence at the age of 5, didn't tell no one. But the next time he came to the house, I was alone and I chased him with a hammer. He left me alone after that. I still told no one. His name is Ken LaRue.

OMG, this is the first time I put his name down on white space.

Road blocks, I see away, then another road block, Just call me lucky

2016-03-28T12:48:00.001-04:00

A year ago I was stressing over where I would live this year. In August 2015, I found a house to rent in October, felt safe again. Worried about having a place to live, food on the table and medical insurance to cover my medical needs.

Here it is Jan. 2017 I get a check in the mail from a lawsuit against the mortgage company Chase

$55,000,000 settlement against them And I received Cha-Ching a grand total of $8.93. Well, just call me lucky.

February 2016 I found out my medical insurance is being canceled, now I have insurance that doesn't cover my medical needs. They cut food budget down to $16 a month, so no more healthy food that is low calorie. Instead, it is high in carbs to make the dollar go further.

I am not asking for a lot just a place to live that is mine and no-one can kick me out. That I can afford to heat and keep in good condition. Just would like to feel safe in my old age since I have not felt safe most of my life. No vacations, fancy car or jewelry. Just a safe, warm place I can call home.

I have no fine jewelry left, had to sell two years ago to buy food January 2014. That was the winter I got sick and could not run my truck the way it should have been to produce enough money to support the truck and drivers that were driving it. Instead, they stole fuel money from me and blew tires on the truck. Each tire cost $500. Face it, I just make lousy decisions should have kicked the drivers out of the truck then.

In May 2014, I sold my truck paid off what I could. Took three months off to grieve all my losses over the previous seven years.

Last year (2014) I gave up the fight to save my house, overpriced because of the financial crisis that everyone went through. I fought the mortgage company a little over two years. Sometimes you just have to give up a battle to win the war.

I have a steady income, better off than others, but not enough to get where I need to be. Safe.

Now to where I am going with this story is I recently tried to do a Fund-me page and because of sexual assault and child abuse they have it on hold. I am trying to raise money to get 3 Novellas written. Because of the topics I have anxiety attacks and have to stop writing. It is taking me a long time, and to tell the truth, it is very uncomfortable to relive the violence I went through.

I keep trying to no avail, to publish the books so I can generate more income. So I can buy me a little house to live out my days on this earth without feeling in constant fear.

Well, I haven't achieved as much as I would have liked by now, Jan 2017. I am painting which is soothing to the soul.

I do have a small house I call home now; it is not mine but I feel safe here.

Taking a break for a few days

2016-03-02T16:09:00.004-05:00

I have to take a break for a few days maybe a week. My illnesses are causing exhaustion, brain fog, and pain. I am just so tired, more so than usually. What sucks is I can't even go to the doctors because my #Medicaid is gone now. I have #Obamacare but I can't afford to use it. It doesn't cover anything until I pay $6450.00. Just have to hang in for 7 months, Just 7 months before Medicare kicks in.

Can't breathe very well, hands burn and feel like needles are picking them.
Have a good day I am going to sleep.

Inside my head the past natters away

2016-02-27T09:18:00.001-05:00

I am inflicted with PTSD because of the abuse I have endured from family and men in my life. I look back now and realize the abuse I went through in relationships is actually an extension from being abused as a child. Children learn what they live.
The older I get the more I realize the past has negatively impacted my life in such negative way. On the positive side, it made me a survivor in many unexpected areas of my work life and economically keeping a home.
There have been a few times that I lived on the edge but because of my survival instincts, I kept from going over the edge.
After escaping from my husband:
I ended in a safe house when the van broke down, that I had stolen from him. After getting it repaired someone stole the battery out of it. Back to square one. Got another battery and was on my way. Got a couple hundred miles down the road when it broke down again in the middle of nowhere. Now I am thinking how am I ever going to get to Texas.
I decided to hitchhike. Didn't have much since I left in the middle of the night with a nightgown on. While I was at the shelter they took me to a free clothing place. There I was able to get a few pieces of clothing that fit me. Was not the most stylish but it covered my butt.
Packed the few things I had and got out along the road and put my thumb out.
Mind you I am a shattered woman by now. Can't go back, have to go forward.
Truck driver in his personal car, he was heading for a new job, picked me up.
We went as far as Memphis, TN, that is where he was going. He bought me a one-way bus ticket to Dallas, Texas where my sister was picking me up. I offered to repay him once I started working. He said no, just pay forward when you see someone in need. So, I have always paid forward because of a truck driver that helped me when I was in need.

When she woke-up the nightmare really started.

2016-02-21T15:03:00.002-05:00

She was dreaming the winds were blowing down everything in its path, it was night and raining sideways, she was running as fast as she could. It was all in slow motion the force was greater than she could fight. She turned to see if he was still coming, in the shadows, she saw a menacing figure coming at her faster than she could move. He was catching up to her. The fear reaching inside her head was screaming volitive thoughts what is going to happen if he catches me.
This is what a person goes through when they are being stalked, or trying to run from their captive. I can only imagine it must be similar to war.

I did survive, he caught me. He did everything I feared right up to the point of me begging to let me live. He did let me live this time, but am I living? Whatever happen to that young woman with dreams of love, happiness, and family? I will tell you she is writing this to reach out to others who don't follow their instincts, that you know deep down in your gut that person is no good for you or anyone else.

Family and friends tell you. Your mind tells you. Your heart says he will change. He never changes except maybe getting worse.
I look back and wonder why I am here on this earth, why God kept me alive, why didn't he let me go to the deep sleep that would have given me the peace I so wish for every day. It has been 33 years, I still live with the memories as if they happened not to long ago.

I am somebody

2016-02-17T22:26:00.000-05:00

Sending out emails that never get answered.
Make phone calls and leave a message, that never get a callback.

Good evening Mr. President,

I realize you have very important things to deal with but us at the bottom of the food chain struggle every day to stay alive here in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.
I was born, grew up, worked 43 years, raised families, volunteered for less fortunate, and deal with three illness'. The state of Michigan took away my Medicaid because they say I make too much money to qualify for the medical insurance. I was having trouble affording healthy food then. This month is even worse. I run out of food at the end of the month, only about 5 days.
I am on medication that I have to have but it looks like I will have to pass on it for the next 7 months, I get Medicare in Oct. 2016.
This is very important to me because I have to decide between food and medical. I cannot buy enough food each month little alone pay for medical bills and medications.
I sent a message regarding my lack of health care to the main email account for the White House but I have not heard back yet. I will not be able to use the health care I can afford to pay for. $7.93 per month, Once I get the insurance I can not afford to use it because the deductible is $6450. I will have to pay before the insurance pays anything.
I have special needs, PTSD from being abused, my husband tried setting me on fire, my daughter died, her children were taken by the state, an ex-male friend knocked me out with his fist and I ended up with 7 stitches in my forehead. My father made me leave home when I was 14 years old, with no place to go.
I also have had Fibromyalgia since 1986 and was diagnosed with Posture Facet Disease this year. I worked as long as I could, the two last years I shouldn't have been driving truck. I suffer in pain every day all day. I suffer from mental issues and anxiety from all of the abuse I have been through since I was 5 years old, I was sexually abused by an adult man in my family. He walked away free to continue his abuse while I have lived with this for 55 years.
Please if you could expedite this request for help I will always be grateful. I make $29 a month too much for any of the agencies that are supposed to be able to help. This month I had to pay for gas for heat and cooking. Now I don't have enough money to finish the month, two weeks before I get a check again. If you can get this to whoever can help me get my Medicaid back will make all the difference for my health care. Food I will just try and figure out, neighbors have said don't run out again to please let them know that I need food.

Dear God, I keep asking for help, they say I make too much money

2016-02-11T12:05:00.005-05:00

Keep being told I make to much money for Medicaid, I am being cut off February 29, 2016.
I am on disability after working 43 years. Don't want to be just cannot work, my body said to me screw you.
I make to much money for Bridge card.
I make to much money for free food.
I make to much money for free health care.
I make to much money for help with prescriptions.

I got affordable health care at $7.93 per month. The government is kicking in $545 as a credit.
The coverage I got pays nothing until I pay $6450. The next step up I would have to pay monthly $154.

In January, I ran out of healthy food and had to eat a lot of carbs which caused me to gain back weight that I had lost. I cannot afford to gain weight.
I am trying to stay healthy, but it is hard when you don't have enough money for the basic needs.
Like heat, food, medicine, it is very tiring and stressful to spend so much time trying to stay alive.
But I am told I make too much money, HUH.

All the time I spend trying to get help to live I could be spending on my book or painting. Will write more today, just very tired now have to take a nap. If I could sell a book or paintings or prints of paintings would help immensely.

Thank you, God, for listening to my whining I hope you have a blessed day.

Haywire starting again this past week

2016-02-06T11:55:00.002-05:00

I am so friggin depressed and unmotivated. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

It has to do with Fibromyalgia. I will finish some writing and painting today. Hell bent to be productive today since I have not been in days.

Christmas village I have been painting on for years is going to be done this weekend. PERIOD

When I titled this "haywire starting again" is referring to my (I cannot think of the word) (delay, delay, delay).

PROCRASTINATION, omg finally came to me.

I have brain fog from #fibromyalgia, it does make it hard to write. Other days when I don't have fibro-fog I can write many pages.

While I had been trying to write this post the pain, nausea, depression was taking over. I stopped for a while and smoked some medical marijuana. Now the pain is gone, the nausea is almost gone, brain fog is gone, and I am no longer depressed. Does it surprise anyone that marijuana is nature's way of medicine?

When dogs are sick they eat grass to throw up. Well, I smoked pot to stop the pain. And it worked.
I have been trying the pharmaceutical way for a few months now and I have been downright miserable for months.

I am going back to medical marijuana so I can have a life.
Done with this post maybe I can write on my book today also.

No one heard my pleas

2016-01-27T11:04:00.001-05:00

When I was being abused no one heard my pleas. My voice was silent with shame, disbelief that I could love a miscreant.
I find at times in my everyday life someone is trying to abuse me. I am not trying to say that it's just me it is our society that has bully's everywhere. In the past, I would not see the signs. The most recent attempt someone tried to abuse me verbally was this past weekend. I was falling in with both feet with no security rope. Someone I loved accused me of being lazy, that I should exercise more, and that I was like someone else that was basically a useless person to society. That person I was being compared too has mental and physical issues. She has never held a job or taken care of herself, she is my sister.

I worked 43 years always taking care of myself and others. Now I am making it on my own with a little help from government assistance. I do have a small retirement from the City of Ann Arbor and disability from social security from when I worked. I asked him if he could take my trashcan out on Thursday and bring it back on Friday from the side of the road. My doctor has told me not to lift anything heavy until I see a specialist for spinal cord deterioration. He went off on me with verbal abuse. I started crying and walked away. For several days, I had felt really emotional from what he said. Then I realized it is not my fault it is his. He must live with this, not me.
I am on the road to recovery when I can put blame, where it belongs.

Financial Equality

2016-01-25T19:15:00.001-05:00

I am not a democrat, I am not a republican. I am an American citizen and female who only wants her government to be fair to all Americans. I believe in corporations making a profit but not at the expense of its workers and the taxpayers.
As a female born in the 1950's I have been screwed over and over by being born female. If it had been MY CHOICE I would have been born into a VERY, VERY, VERY rich family. Then I could have been doing what is right for humanity. NOT all rich people are greedy and uncaring. There is just not enough of them that have a humane bone in their bodies.
I worked 43 years so I could collect a stipend for all those years. My employer and I paid into social security. I know men who also collect social security that worked fewer years and did similar jobs as I did and they collect $400 a month more than I do.
The next time you have a negative thought that you are not treated fairly, try being a woman. We bleed every month and don't die, we give birth, cook, clean, raise your children and most of us work a full-time job. Then you wonder why we don't want to have sex every time you want it. After you have lived as a woman then I will have some sympathy for you.
And mood swings you can't even imagine what they are like. You on the receiving end can escape them, we can't.
I will tell you what I told my ex-husband when he was bitching about one of my pissed off days. Believe me, he had it coming too.
"You think it's bad on the receiving end, try being inside here". As I pointed at my body.
He shut up.
I can't change the years past for myself but it will be great if my voicing my opinion will help my granddaughters and other females coming into the workplace to be paid more fairly.

Hiding out in Texas

2016-01-25T11:12:00.000-05:00

White page, many thoughts, don't know where to begin.

After escaping my husband in Kentucky by hitchhiking to Texas, I stayed in hiding from him, I left no trail for him to follow. If I had gone to Michigan he would have tracked me down.

Retro thoughts to 1980's and 90's: cocaine, crank, heroin, pot, mescaline, alcohol, sex, and lived in five different states.

Working two or more jobs always at the same time. Living in groups so the money could be spent on partying. I party as hard as I worked. I was selective on my drugs of choice. How I never got addicted I will never know. Maybe it was because of my choice of drugs was almost always uppers and I worked hard so I wouldn't have to face reality. Some weeks I slept 3 to 4 hours a day, some days none.

Then I would smoke pot to come down and sleep a good 8 hours straight. My choice of food was minimal, the less I ate the thinner I could be and then I would be approved of by others.

I worked long hours so family, would be proud of me that I could make it on my own.

This went on for 7 years. When I finally decided this was not what I wanted my life to be, I sold off everything packed my car and drove back to Michigan. And Started a new life.

Got a job in a restaurant, stayed with my niece and met my next husband.

Eyes watching me

2016-01-16T11:26:00.002-05:00

I feel eyes watching every move I make.

When I wake up I can feel them on me.
When I go to the bathroom I feel them watching.
I walk to the kitchen to put the coffee on, eyes are burning in my back, I turn around there they are watching me.
Going into the living room, I can feel the eyes following me.
I sit down to eat, eyes are watching me.
All day long I have eyes watching me.

What are they? Dogs.

Living with an illness called Fibromyalgia

2016-01-12T08:00:00.002-05:00

This morning Is one of those mornings I could only sleep 5 hours, so I got up. This is normal when you have fibromyalgia. It has been 30 years now. Yesterday I was able to get errands done. Today I pay for having a normal day yesterday.
I am tired, feet are burning hands are stiff and my body aches. While typing this now my left leg hurts and my hands have started burning and sharp pain shooting down my left leg. I have a massager on my lower back and my upper back hurts. So now I will take a break and move the massager to my upper back. Now the burning in my feet went from the bottom to the top of my feet.
Now the burning in my hands turned to pain. This goes on all day the symptoms just move all over the body. If it gets too bad then you end up with nausea and or IBS. Sometimes I go through this for weeks on end. It can cause depression and exhaustion, and it does most of the time. So when you see a smile on my face it doesn't mean I am not feeling bad, it means I am glad to be alive and to see my family and friends.
This is normal for people with fibromyalgia.

Sliver of light

2016-01-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

A thin sliver of light showed across the wooden plank floor and up the back wall, Sheila makes another mark in the dust to signify another day has come.

She has been there now for 21 days, not sure where there is thou. She had walked out of the casino excited she had made a shitload of tips that night serving drinks. Sheila didn’t see him standing in the shadows of the abandon hotel and casino doorway. She was just thinking of how she can now afford new tires for her car. She loved her little red Camaro.

She puts the key in the door of her car, turns it. When she woke up her head hurt and vision was blurry. It was so dark she couldn’t see her hand in front of her face. As Sheila is feeling around in the dark she realized it was a small room with rough boards on the walls and floor. She made it back to the mattress on the floor, laid down and waited for morning.

That was three weeks ago. His name was Danny, her ex-husband. Every morning Danny brought her a gallon of water, a pot of coffee, two sandwiches, then would dump her bucket and make sure she had toilet paper. Then he would leave for work, but before he left the padlock would be put on the door.

“Don’t try it Sheila no-one is going to hear you”, said Danny. After they divorced he bought this place in the desert knowing the time would come he would get her back.

Turned 16 in December married by August

2015-12-28T12:41:00.000-05:00

After leaving the hospital, my sister Gerry insisted that I come live with them. When I left the hospital I had a horrible backache and they kept telling me it was just from having the baby.

I know it was from the anesthesiologist putting the needle in my spine when the babies head was crowning. Who was going to listen to a 15-year-old? They did not.

November was my nephews birthday so Gerry always took her kids to a high-end restaurant for their birthday. We had a real good time for his 14th birthday. The next week was my 16th birthday. I was hoping and expecting that we would go some place nice for my birthday since it was my 16th.

Gerry cooked dinner and we had a birthday cake at the house. I don't remember getting a gift or card, but I was so disappointed. No guest, family, friends, nothing special, just like me nothing special.

Perplexed today

2015-12-18T15:44:00.003-05:00

I am perplexed today. When I was younger and I had so many talents but didn't make the time to do them, instead I worked.
Yesterday I had a good day decorating and putting things away. Today I get up and 5 hours later I had to take a nap because I am exhausted. I slept 2.5 hours before I felt rested enough to get up.
It saddens me to think my energy level is so low, I want to work, I need to work, but I cannot work. There is no way a boss will let me take a nap or take the day off because I couldn't sleep because of pain that kept me awake.
Every day I am so thankful for what I do have because it could be a whole lot worst.
There are so many that do not have a clean bed to nap in, good food to eat, or a place to get out of the cold or heat. We are the wealthiest country in the world and we have people working and going without the necessities of sustaining their life.
Not everyone excepting help from the government wants to, they have too. I am fortunate enough that I don't have to, but there are many who do work but just do not get paid enough to sustain their existence.
Let us stop giving huge breaks to corporations and religion groups that abuse the generosity of the taxpayers. Stop blaming the working person for needing help with food, insurance, or daycare so they can work. The real perpetrator is the ones at the top not at the bottom.
Thanks for listening, just my thoughts.

Sheriff sales gets pulled off docket

2015-10-17T02:37:00.001-04:00

Wouldn't do a modification twice Carrington Mortgage Service

They took over my loan from Chase bank.
I had some financial issues with business and got behind in my mortgage. When I tried to make house payment they refused to take it, said I had to have two payments. Next week I had two payments and they refused them and said I had to have three payments. This went on and on until I got help from stepforwardmichigan.com got caught up and this whole time I was trying to get a modification. While this is going on my health was getting worse from the stresses they caused. I have fibromyalgia and stress is very bad for my illness. after trying to get two modification done with them, they turned me down twice. Started a third with an agency here in Michigan, by now my health is getting real bad, I had to file for disability. I was forced to quit working because I was unable to keep up with the demands of driving semi truck that I owned. Sold it and paid off a couple bills. Found a local job and was fired because I was sick. Then next week social security approved me for disability. I have had fibromyalgia for thirty years and always had been able to work as long as I got to rest and kept my stress level down.
When Carrington ms wouldn't give me a HARP modification so I could keep my house so I wouldn't lose all of my investment was devastating to me. Today was suppose to be a sheriff sale and they pulled it from the docket. So they are still causing a stressful situation for me. I offered them 47,000 in June 2015 and today it was being offered for 36,000. When my attorney made the offer they never even responded to him. That's when I had to file bankruptcy.
When I was trying to get the modification done they told me to call USDA rural development, Carrington claimed it was USDA was turning it down, USDA said they only guarantee the loan through Chase bank and for me to call them. I called Chase bank they said they didn't have anything to do with the loan I had to call Carrington. Called Carrington again and was told they didn't know anything and didn't even know who I should talk to but would get back to me when they figured it out. Never did call me back.
I am still on the title of the property. No one seems to know who owns my house now. My real estate agent can't get any answers either.

Hope you guys can help me get my house back at the fair market value. Since I bought it just before the bubble in real estate collapsed.

How adversity has affected my life: I know why I feel

2015-10-14T10:15:00.001-04:00

How adversity has affected my life: I know why I feel: (Click Link) I figured out why I feel the why I do. I never had anyone to love, want, or need me. It all started in my childhood because of my parents a...

I know why I feel

2015-10-14T10:12:00.004-04:00

I figured out why I feel the way I do. I never had anyone to love, want, or need me. It all started in my childhood because of my parents and siblings. So, because of these feelings, I would overcompensate by giving more than needed to others. Most of the time these people didn't deserve my love, kindness or financial help I would give.

I have no dreams left, have nothing to look forward too. This is causing my sadness.

I was raised to fail, even though I tried not to believe I was a failure, subconsciously I must have believed I was a failure regardless of my thoughts, always believing my glass is half full. Even though working hard to be successful, I always failed at everything. I would tell myself I had not failed because I learned from the experience.
My worst fears were to end up like my mother, and I have. Homeless and broke. It could be worse, there are others who are less fortunate.

This past year has been very hard emotionally, just now realized that the reason I was a workaholic was so I did not have to deal with my real issues of abuse and neglect. Now that I am not working it is coming at me full force like a hurricane.

Life is many surprises and I am tired of the gifts.

The last time she saw her baby's daddy

2015-09-06T15:30:00.000-04:00

The automobile comes to a halt behind the house and Brad wakes her up to inform her she is home. He says to her adieu, suddenly his sister and he laughs as if this is funny. She gets out of the car and stares as they disappear, she runs into the house, the one she calls the hell hole. Denise is 7 months pregnant and 15 years old, nevertheless lives at home. Her mom preferred her to have an abortion, but she wouldn't have anything to do with that. She loved Brad and they were planning to raise the baby together, she thought. He had other plans he hadn’t shared with her.

Denise is working for a family of 5 by taking care of 3 children and cleaning their house, 50 hours a week. She bought a baby crib, high chair and redone them to look new. Denise bought baby clothes, bottles, diapers, she was going to name her Christine Marie if a girl and Bradley Jay if it was a boy.

She didn't know that the day Brad dropped her off at home was going to be the last day she was going to see or hear from him again. He never even kissed her goodbye. The only thing she remembers from that day was the laughter coming from the car as they drove away.

In September she started homeschooling, because of her condition, this was in 1971 pregnant girls didn't go to public school and her family was too poor to send her away to one of those boarding schools the well to do families send their daughters, who got in trouble.

By now she realizes that Brad was never going to be there for the baby and her, so she decided to give the baby up for adoption. The baby would have a better life than she could give it. Denise did not want the baby to grow up in the hell hole she was living in.

Two weeks before the baby came, Denise stayed with her sister Warnita and her husband Don. When she went into labor on Oct 29th they drove her to the hospital in Ann Arbor Michigan. They dropped her off at the emergency door and went back home. Denise was left by herself to have her baby. The nurses were nice enough, but she was scared and alone with no mother or sister to ensure her it was going to be OK. The hospital gave her a shot called twilight sleep/painkiller, she would dose in and out of sleep. In the morning when it was the time they took her to the delivery room and the anesthesiologist gave her a shot in her spine. She remembers sitting up and could feel her baby's head as if she was sitting on it. The man that gave her the shot yelled at her to stop whining it was going to be alright. Denise knew nothing so far was alright. She was 15, having a baby she wasn't taking home with her, no one cared about her and alone.

Later that day a nun brought Denise, her baby to hold and another nun shows up and says to her she isn't supposed to get her baby, she is giving it up. So, they let her hold her for a little while then took her from her. That was the only time she held her baby. The nuns told Denise she would sleepwalk in the middle of the night. Going to the nursery window staring at the babies with tears slowing flowing down her cheeks softly crying.

When Denise left the hospital, she went back home to her parents' house and her father was making her life hell, so she tried to commit suicide. Now her older sisters stepped in because there was just too much animosity between her and her father, they were afraid that someone was going to get hurt.

Denise went and stayed with her sister Gerry and her husband Jack, they had 3 children.

No wonder writers are addicted to some kind of vice.

2015-09-06T14:53:00.000-04:00

I get this overwhelming feeling every time I start to write. Just had to take an anti-anxiety pill just to write. When I think about writing, I get all of these wonderful thoughts of what I want to write about, then I sit down in front of the laptop and anxiety sets in, my chest starts hurting, my hands become heavy, my mind feels like it's going to explode.

I have this wonderful mini-series to write, but it is all over the place. I am going to finish up some paintings then put away the paint brushes until I have the first book written. I must get rid of this book out of my head. It overwhelms my days with no completion.

Most of the persons I have to write about, that have brought me to this place in life, are dead. They are at peace and I still live with the torment that they caused, my mere existence here on earth. I would much rather trade places with some of them, just so I can stop the night and day nightmares I have to live with. A dirt nap sounds so inviting some days that I contemplate it with awareness than I think of my sons and their children, it would not be fair to them.

The ones that are alive don't even have a thought of what they did to me.
Someday, I will finish this book and all the demons I live with will be released to the world to see, times have not changed at all. Hundreds of years ago life was cruel, that was not the good old days, just like the last 60 years for me and the next hundred years ahead. People are cruel.

Hello God are you there? I think I am on the verge.

2015-09-04T17:57:00.001-04:00

Just thought I would talk to you today God. By the way thank you for the many blessings that you have bestowed on me in my life. I can't even begin to think how hard it would have been if you had not been there for me.
The question I have for you though is why is it for every blessing you give me there is always a catch to it.

When my father threw me away like a piece of garbage and my mother would not stand up for me you found me a place to stay. At this house, I was a servant to my brother's wife and my brother-in-law tried to rape me. But, at least you help me find a place to live and my brother saved me from being raped. My older sister wouldn't work or go to college after she graduated from high school so my mother told her she had to leave. My dad said if she has to go, so do you. I was 14 went to school and worked odd jobs.

After 5 months of begging my mother to talk to my dad to let me come back, my sister was already back there living off my parents, you were able to get me, back home, the only home I had ever known. I was still only 14 years old when I got to go back to the hellhole I called home. But what did I know, I was only a child. I dodge my father when possible so he wouldn't verbally abuse me. He never hit me, but his words cut deep. Here it is 45 years later and they still cut me. I am still feeling this weight of not being wanted by my parents.

Next time I will write about my year being 15, pregnant and abandoned.