Design Gal & Her Handyman

A year late...

2015-12-30T00:30:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow at 1:24am, Kyler will officially be one year old. I never posted about it on here, and I regret not writing about it. Those details are ones that I'd like to remember, so I'll do my best to relay it.
Getting pregnant with Ky was a total surprise. It took a long, long time to get pregnant with Baker and I expected the same struggle with future pregnancies, so after we had Baker, we never really used birth control. Then one day, I was folding clothes and thought, "Man, my boobs are killing me!....Wait a minute...." and ran upstairs to take a pregnancy test. It immediately turned positive and I started bawling. A doctor visit a few weeks later confirmed it, and immediately knew I really , really, really wanted to try to have a v-bac (aka vaginal birth after a c-section).

Call me crazy, but I also wanted to try to have him naturally, so I began seeing a midwife who came highly recommended, and began doing all the research I could to mentally prepare myself. The two weeks leading up to his birth, I tried every damn thing I could think of to get him out. I was taking evening primrose oil capsules, drinking cups and cups of red raspberry leaf tea, walking, bouncing on a big ol' exercise ball, using oils and reflexology massages, and even sex! Nothing was working. Because I had had a previous c-section with Baker (less than two years prior), they wouldn't induce me with pitocin, so when my due date of December 27th approached, we decided we'd try to do a natural induction, if I didn't have him by the 30th, and if that didn't work, we'd just do a c-section.

The morning of the 30th, my sister in law came down to our house to stay with Baker and we drove up to the hospital. I checked in at 7am, got into my hospital gown, and they started an IV of antibiotics (since I tested positive for strep b). Then my midwife came in and we started the "natural" inductions (which is where they place a bulb catheter in your cervix and fill the bulb up, so your cervix starts to dilate). She said it could take awhile, and of course 30 minutes after she inserted it, I had to use the bathroom. Andrew helped me manuver all the wires and such, and while I was sitting down, the catheter fell out into the toilet. I thought it was my fault, so when I got back into bed, we called my midwife. She came in, checked me, and said it had fallen out because I had gone from a 1 to a 4 in 30 minutes! The natural induction worked! I thought for sure we'd have a baby in a few hours, so we started walking the hall to get things moving. I could feel the contractions and thought they were pretty intense, but I had no idea what was waiting for me. A few hours later, I was only at a 5, so my midwife decided to break my water to help things move along. I remember when she broke my water, her face changed and she looked concerned. She told me there was quite a bit of maconium in the water, and I didn't realize how much there was, until they took the soaked towel away and it was literally all green/blackish. Then things got crazy. One minute, I was laying in bed and the next minute, there were literally 6 nurses in the room, calmly, yet frantically (total oxymoron) placing oxygen on my face, moving me from side to side, pushing my belly, etc. I guess when they broke my water, Ky's heartbeat dropped dramatically and he was pushing on the umbilical cord. It was so scary not knowing what was going on.

The contractions were getting more and more intense and my mom and Andrew were coaching me through them. Natural labor is such a mental game. It's not just about dealing with the pain, but preparing yourself for the next wave of pain, and finding what works for you to get through it. For me, I had Andrew push back on my legs. There were a few times (ok more than a few) where I got pretty snappy and told him to push harder. The more pressure on my legs, the better the contraction felt. At about 8:00pm, my midwife checked me again and I was at a 7. More water came gushing out and suddenly, I was surrounded my a dozen nurses. His heartbeat dropped again and the same uncertainty/feeling helpless came.

At 11:00, I was in the worst pain of my life. The contractions were so intense and I didn't know if I could keep going. When my midwife checked me again, I was at an 8 and 100% effaced, going into transition, but she could feel that Ky had moved. He wasn't where he was supposed to be. When she told me, my heart sank and my anxiety spiked. Suddenly, I was right back where I was, less than 2 years before, with Baker. Laboring for hours and hours, feeling exhausted, and learning that my baby was stuck. We tried the same old tricks, having me lay on my left side, and then my right, hoping the baby inside me would straighten back out and we'd get things rolling again, but he was stuck. And I knew it.

I sat there, trying to concentrate on my contractions, shaking from the pain, while silent tears streamed down my face. I remember looking at Andrew and then looking at my mom and when we met eyes, I could see she was crying too. She gave me a knowing look and shook her head as if to say, "Shan, you've been through the ringer...you've done your best, but I think you know what you need to do."

I told Andrew I wanted an epidural. The pain was too much and I wanted to rest before I had the c-section. The anesthesiologist came in, did his thing, and within minutes, I was physically pain free. At midnight, my midwife checked me again and nothing had changed. He was still sideways, and I was still at an 8. They started preparing me for surgery and wave of calm came over me. I had given it my all, and this was just how it was meant to be.

The rest is a blur. I remember telling the anastesiologist that I was scared of feeling pain, since I had felt them cut into me with Baker. He made sure I was good and numb, and then I laid there, freezing in the operating room (why is it so cold in there?) and waiting to hear my baby cry. After what felt like forever, I heard him. At 1:24am, he was born. He was crying and crying and I also started crying. I could semi see them cleaning him up, and when I heard them say "He's 10lbs 2 oz" I was said "Well, no wonder he got stuck!"

They got him cleaned up and got me put back together and stitched up, and we headed back to our recovery room. He latched on right away, which was a huge relief and everything was great, until later that night (on the 30th) when I noticed that he was breathing fast. I remember telling the nurse that it seemed like he was breathing faster than normal, so she took him to the nursery to check things out. They realized he had an infection from aspirating maconium and had developed pneumonia, and to treat it, had an IV placed in the vein of his foot where antibiotics were given daily. Because infant veins are so fragile, we had to be really careful with the IV and 2 days after having it placed, the vein clotted and was no longer able to sustain an IV. The NICU team at Lone Peak is a level 2 and tried all they could to find another vein that would sustain an IV, however each vein they tried blew out and wouldn't work. Their options were running low and after speaking with the pediatrician and head neonatal guy, they decided that if the night nurse, who was very experienced with infant IV's couldn't place a good IV, Kyler would have to be transferred to St. Mark's Hospital, as their NICU is a higher level and they have a team there that would place a picc-line for his IV.

I could see the seriousness and concern in the nurses faces as they explained the situation to me. My nurses were great and tried to reassure me that everything would be fine, but I knew that if Kyler was transferred, I wouldn't be able to board with him at St. Marks and he would be admitted so they could monitor him. I really wanted to be able to nurse him, as I can't pump that much milk, and also worried about how I'd get to and from St. Marks multiple times a day to continue to nurse. It was such a stressful situation and I was so worried about my little guy.

We text our families and asked everyone to pray for Kyler and pray that someone at Lone Peak would be able to place an IV. One of my nurses started making calls to other nurse friends who were highly experienced in placing neonatal IV's. A few hours later, my nurse told me that a nurse at St. Marks had heard about the situation. She specialized in neonatal picc-lines and said that she lived near Lone Peak. She'd stop by on her way home from work to see if she could give it a try.
Immediately I broke down in tears. Here was a woman, who after working a long, 12 hour day, volunteered to help a stranger. She could have easily thought, "Hey, a transfer isn't that big of a deal. He'll get help either way..." but out of the goodness of her heart, she decided to stop by.
Soon, it was time for Kyler to go back and have the IV placed. It wasn't guaranteed to work, but I was grateful for her to try. I sat in my room waiting, and soon, they brought him back to my room. The minute I saw the IV on his little head, I broke down and started bawling. The nurse who placed it came to my room and I thanked her profusely. She brushed it off and said, "Oh, I was just on my way home! I'm happy to help!" It may have been just a small act of kindness to her, but it was a HUGE miracle to me and my family, and I'll be forever grateful. It reminded me that, no act of kindness, however small is ever wasted!

One of the nurses who took care of me was off her shift, and stuck around to see how Kyler would do during the IV placement and captured the photo of the nurses. She said it was silent in the NICU and each of those women had a hand placed on Ky to keep him calm and still. Truly a spiritual experience!
Throughout the whole experience, I learned so much. The birth, Kylers condition- it changed me.
My mom said it best in a text she sent me- "You seem so much more centered, confident... You were always those things but...I think natural childbirth, is really empowering, you went through the gauntlet and you wrestled it and won. Yes, you had to make a decision once you knew the rules had changed, but you did it! And somewhere, even subconciosly, you know you faced something terrifying and you didn't shrink from it."

I did try to do it naturally. And it was damn hard. At the time, I felt like I had failed. I wanted a vbac so bad, but my body had other plans. Some might say I should have just scheduled the csection and avoided all of the pain, but had I done that, I would have never known. Never known how far I could push myself, how my body just can't support a vaginal birth, and how much I'd learn and grow from all of this. My faith increased tenfold. I felt Gods hand in mine throughout this whole journey. He is good. He answers prayers and offers comfort and strength to all who seek it. It was really, really hard, but I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.

Happy Birthday Ky

{ the great escape }

2014-05-03T14:15:00.003-06:00

Baker is teething, which has made nap time a nightmare. I know he’s tired from the way he rubs his eyes and boy does the kid get grouchy, yet when I put him in his crib, after I’ve rocked him and he’s drank a bottle, he immediately stands at his crib screaming and crying.

I’ve tried the whole cry it out thing. So far, it hasn’t worked. He was on such a good schedule and suddenly, he hates his crib. He’ll sleep in the car just fine, but I hate to get him used to napping in his car seat!

Today I took a different approach. It had to work. I was at my whits end. After trying to cry it out a few times, I finally laid down next to his crib on the floor and pretended to sleep. He stood there, looking down at me like I was crazy and instead of crying, he talked to me.

“Maaa!! Mama!!! MmmmmaaaaAAAA!!!!”

I didn’t move.

He shook the crib. “Ma!!”

I still didn’t move. I laid as still as I could. After yelling my name for a few minutes didn’t work, he decided he’d use the all powerful word.

“No! Nnnnooooooooo! No no!”

He yelled down at me, as if to tell me my plan wouldn’t work. He knew I was there. He knew I would eventually get up and then he’d be free, but I stuck to my guns and played dead.

Soon, he stopped talking and decided to walk the length of his crib about 40 times, the way a warden would walk the cell block, slowly peering at the prisoners to make sure they were in their right place. He was trying to break me, but I was unbreakable. After each round, he’d shake the crib, look down at me (I peeked from time to time to see what he was doing) and he’d make another round.

Finally, after about 20 minutes, he stopped. I held my breath and listened as he laid down. YES! Victory! I began to celebrate in my mind, until I heard him shoot up. I had made no noise, but it was as if he had sensed my excitement, that he checked to see if I was still there. This continued for another 5 minutes.

At last, he was asleep. I could tell by his breathing that he was getting into a deep sleep and I plotted my escape. I slowly, ever so quietly lifted my head to the door that was cracked open 3 inches.

There, staring back at me, was the cat.

I was a prisoner, on the brink of escape, silently pleading with the snitch that spotted the breakout. “Nooo!!!” I screamed in my head, trying with all my might to use my telepathic cat to human powers. “DO NOT COME IN KITTY! DO NOT MEOW! DO NOT GIVE ME AWAY!"

He peered at me and cocked his head to the side as if to say, "What's in it for me?" I plead with him in my head, but to no avail. He pushed the door open wider and came in. I frantically listened to see if Baker would wake up.

The cat ran under the crib, just out of my reach. I tried to swat him away, but he confused my furry with affection and began purring loudly. “No!!!” I screamed in my head.

Then he meowed.

Baker suddenly shot up, began crying, and the cat dashed out of the room. I imagined escape alarms sounding loudly as the warden caught me. I was trapped again.

“Damn you cat! DAMN YOU!!!” I screamed in my head and laid back down, quickly and quietly. I laid still, trying not to breath, but feeling as though I would cry at any minute. Maybe I should just get up. Maybe my escape wasn't planned well. This is my life. This is my sentence.

Baker watched me for a minute. Then, as if my prayers were answered, he slowly laid back down. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t move for another 5 minutes until I heard his rhythmic breathing again and knew, it was now or never.

I got up to an army crawl stance. I had to make this quick.

With ninja like skills and without making a peep, I made my way towards the door, pausing for just a second to see if the warden was still out. He slept soundly.

I made it past the doorway, and quickly, yet silently pulled the door shut behind me and held my breath.

Silence.

He was still out.

And I was free!!!

{ poopageddon }

2014-03-19T23:42:00.000-06:00

The past few days, Baker has been acting a little grumpy. His naps have been longer and his appetite is gone. I attested this to teething (1 year molars) because he's also been gnawing on the rubbery part of his toothbrush a lot, but really, other than that, he's been fine.

Another thing you should know is that Baker is as regular as clockwork. Every day, at the same time, he's poopy. We have a routine. He wakes up, calls for me, I get him out of bed, change his wet diaper, and then we go downstairs for breakfast. After he eats, he stands at the coffee table, watching Caillou or whatever kid show is on at 8:30 and poops.

Today he missed his morning poo. It is rare when this happens, but when it does, I'm usually greeted with the overwhelming scent of a ripe diaper after his morning nap, so when he woke up from his nap and still hadn't pooped, I thought he was probably just constipated.

Fast forward a few hours. Its 5:30. I'm making dinner, Bake is playing and crawling all over, being the busy boy he is, when suddenly, I smell it.

"Someone's poopy!" I say in a singsong voice. Baker stops what he's doing and looks up at me and smiles.

I scoop him up and feel something wet on my arm. Uh oh. He's peed through he diaper. Then I realize he's wet all over. Panic overcomes me as I realize he has diarrhea. I race up the stairs, while holding him under his arms at a safe distance in front of me and lay him on his changing table.

"Ooooh boy. Wow." I say out loud. As I take his pants off. I decide the best way to tackle it is to just get in there and clean him up as fast as possible, totally unaware of the full horror that was under the diaper, and the minute I undo the velcro straps of his diaper, I know I've gone about this all wrong.

It's everywhere. I hold his feet up in one hand while reaching for the wipes. I should have pulled a new pack open before I even started, but I reach for one and as I do, I see, as if in slow motion, Baker reach for It.

It, is his penis. He reaches for it anytime it's not covered and before I can stop it, he's got a handful of poop. I let out a scream, which scares him and he begins to cry. I still have one hand holding up his feet, so I use the other hand to try to wipe his poo-hand off and like a magnet, his other hand is on It and is also covered in poo.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, right? So I did what I had to do. I picked him up, holding him way out in front of me, half nakie, and put him in the tub. Of course when I turned the water on, it ran cold for just a second, which he loved (not) and started freaking out. Luckily, it turned warm quickly and soon, it turned into a game of rinse the poop out of every nook and crevice.

Later, after he was cleaned up and happily playing again, I posted this on facebook, "I just dealt with Poop-ageddon 2014. Alone. I deserve a freaking medal. Or at least a cookie." to which my uncle replied,

"Ah yes, the brown badge of courage under fire. Have yourself a brownie!"

Oh the joys of parenthood.

{ that time I found a lump in my breast }

2014-02-19T22:52:00.000-07:00

If you've been reading my blog for awhile now, you'll remember a few summers ago when I posted about my mom's breast cancer. You can read all about it here. My maternal grandmother had it too, and because of this, I regularly check myself - just in case.

I'm a paranoid person by nature (remember when I thought my house was haunted and when I let WebMD talk me into thinking I was dying?!) and when I do the self breast exams, I always think I feel a lump here and there. I push and prod and compare it to the other side, but it's usually nothing I worry about. Sometimes I mention that I thought I felt a lump during my annual exam, but the doctor feels and says they're just fine - nothing to be concerned about.

Well about a week ago, I was showering and felt a dime size, hard ball in my right breast. I froze. I felt it again. It wasn't like any other "lump" I'd felt before. I compared it to the other side in the same spot. No, lump on the left. Panic immediately overcame my body and I started bawling. Suddenly visions of IV bags, hair falling out, and my family rushed through my head. I thought of my son and about lost it. Luckily, the tiny, reasonable side of me came out and slapped my panic across the face. "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, WOMAN!" I took a deep breath and made myself calm down. One step at a time, Shan. I couldn't let myself get carried away again and as soon as my hands were dry enough to hold my phone, I called my doctor.

As luck would have it, I was able to get in right away with my gynecologist. Maybe it was because the receptionist heard the panic in my voice when I told her I needed an appointment, or maybe it was because my voice cracked and I started crying when I told her it was for a breast check - either way I was so grateful to get in!

When I got to the doctor office, they took me back right away and had me change into a tiny paper gown blouse and then I waited....and waited...and waited. I was so nervous and swallowing the ever growing lump in my throat was getting harder to do. But, because I was nervous, I was getting sweaty, which meant I was getting swoob (sweaty boobs), which is NOT good when someone is about to feel you up to confirm what you think you feel. I quickly grabbed some tissues and of course, as luck would have it, the doctor walked in right as I was mopping myself up - HA.

I told her what I had felt and held my breath as pointed to the area I felt the lump and waited, watching her face as she felt for it. I knew the minute she found it. She paused, her brow furrowing, as she compared the other side. She felt again and said, "Hmmmm...." She sat me up and my heart started pounding when she did feel something unusual, BUT it felt like a smooth lump (I guess the bad ones aren't smooth?) Probably nothing to worry about, but she was going to have me get it checked just in case. I walked out of the office and again, my mind raced with all the possibilities and I started to cry.

Because of Presidents Day, I had to wait until Tuesday for my appointment. I was thankful for a busy weekend that took my mind off the pending appointment, and I hadn't let myself think about it too much. My neighbor was gracious enough to offer to sit at my house while Baker napped, so I could go to my appointment, and when I pulled into the hospital parking lot, all I could think was that the next hour or so could bring life changing news. The anticipation of relief or heartbreak was too much and I wished I had someones hand to hold as I walked in.

I never imagined myself going into the Womens Imaging Center at the hospital until I was older. I'm 31. I figured the first time I'd visit was when I turned 40 for my first mammogram, so it felt odd as I checked in and then changed into a hospital gown with the open side in front. Instead of a mammogram, my doctor ordered an ultrasound and the tech who performed it was so sweet and so kind. She validated my concern, but she assured me that most of the time, it's nothing. Still, she said, it was best to check, just in case. She began the ultrasound over the area I told her the lump was. I watched the monitor in anticipation, unable to decipher what I was seeing. Everything looked normal to her - it was just a regular boob lump, as boobs tend to be lumpy. Relief flooded over me and I was feeling better as she examined my whole breast.

Suddenly, she stopped moving the ultrasound wand over a specific area of my breast and started snapping screens shots of whatever it was she saw. She pointed to a little oval area on the screen and explained that it looked different. My heart sunk. Then she measured it on the screen, the way the measure the fetus when you're getting a pregnancy ultrasound. When she told me she needed to talk with a doctor to see what he thought, I once again started to cry. It was in an area that I wouldn't have been able to feel it as it was pretty deep, and my mind carried away and I thought for sure God had made the lump in my boob so I could feel it so they could find this other area I wouldn't have been able to feel. I prepared myself for the worst, when the tech came back in. She said the doctor said it looked fine. Nothing to worry about. I was fine. No cancer. I am healthy. And then I cried.

{ He's 1!!! }

2014-02-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

When I first had Baker, someone told me, "The days go by slow, but the years go by fast!" I never realized the truth of that statement until now! Seriously, where did the time go?! We took Baker to get his 1 year photos done at a local place called Camera Shy last week, and I was so impressed with their staff! Naturally, the day of the photo shoot, Baker refused to nap. I scheduled his pictures in the afternoon, thinking he'd have a good nap before lunch and then we'd go take pictures when he woke up. Wishful thinking! He was so hyper when we first got there and the staff kept saying how expressive and funny he was. Then the meltdown occurred. LUCKILY, the staff was amazing and they were able to snap the picture at just the right moment between tears. We got a lot of great shots - at the very end of the shoot, we let Baker get into a little cake we brought and he went crazy with it, smearing it into the floor and not really caring about tasting it! Doesn't he look pleased?

On Saturday we had a little gathering at our house with our families. I really didn't go all out (compared to some parties, which is fine - I just wanted something more low key & low stress)! My mom brought a delicious tomato bisque soup and my mother in law brought a fabulous relish tray! I had big plans to make Bakers cake and homemade breadsticks, but then I thought, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" so I ran to the market instead. Our local market will do a free little "smash cake" if you order a cake, and they make a dang good cake, so I had them do it! It was only $12 and I couldn't have made it that cute or that tasty on my own! I also picked up the breadsticks there and the balloons. Yay for one stop shopping!

The one thing I did put time and effort into was this progressive banner. My friend McCall had done one similar and I loved it from the minute I saw it! I used photoshop to zoom into a picture from different stages of his life and printed them out. Then I pasted them to black cardstock and cut around the face. I used scrapbook paper I had and made the little hats. The fringe is from green tissue paper I folded and cut and glued. Easy peasy! I loved it so much that I hung it in his room after the party!

Baker was so spoiled and loved all of the presents he got! I think the first child, and even more, the first grandchild gets the most spoiled! It was fun seeing his reaction to all of his presents.

We saved cake until the very end so he could get into it and go crazy, which he did! It was near his nap time and he was a bit temperamental. He cried when we took his clothes off to get ready to eat cake, then he was happy when he had the cake, and cried again when we laughed as he smashed it. Silly boy! But he did love the cake and ate a lot of it!

We're so grateful for our little guy and can't wait to celebrate many more birthdays! Love you Baker boy!

{ Be My Valentine }

2014-02-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

I love Valentines! One of my favorite things as a kid was decorating a shoe box with pretty papers, stickers, doilies, and glitter for the class Valentines Day party! Each student would put a Valentine in your box, sometimes with a little treat, and it was a tradition I looked forward to every year. Even as a freshman in college, my roommates and I decorated a box and stuck it on the outside of our front door. Our apartment number was 205, but for Valentines Day, we wrote "Leave a love note for the ladies in apartment 2-0-FINE!" Ha! And yes, we did get a few notes!

Today as I was searching for vintage valentines, I stumbled up this little gem from Creative Breathing.

I LOVE this wreath! The colors, the images - EVERYTHING about it appeals to me!

images via Creative Breathing

She was nice enough to scan a few of her favorite valentines to share with everyone.

Click HERE and HERE to save the images. I plan on printing out a bunch on card stock and making a little wreath of my own!

You can also find more vintage valentines to download by clicking HERE and HERE.

P.S. I know it's last minute, but would anyone be interested in swapping Valentines? If you are, let me know! I can quickly put together a little mailer list so each participant receives some fun Valentines Day mail!

{ Fall Wedding }

2014-02-02T22:10:00.001-07:00

Hi, Friends! I thought I'd check in and give a little attention to this ol' blog. It's been awhile since I've shared something, so I thought I'd share a wedding I helped with a few months ago. My brother got married in November and it was lovely! He and his fiance (now wife) live in Seattle, but since the majority of their friends and family live in Utah, they chose to marry here and have the reception here as well. That meant they needed someone to act as their unofficial wedding planner. That's where I stepped in! We threw around a few ideas and came up with some fun ideas- I was a crazy busy woman juggling a baby during the day, and working on wedding details by night! After a few mental breakdowns, a valium, and some helping hands, it came together beautifully, AND we were able to do it on a tight budget! I will say that I am pleased as punch that it's over!

Here are a few of my favorite details from the night!

For the sign in table, I cut out small squares of white card stock and lent my design rendering markers for people to leave "advice and well wishes for the new Mr & Mrs". I used 40% off coupons at local craft stores and bought the mini clothes clips to hang the notes on twine, strung between two vintage ladders. We also hung pictures of the couple sporadically on the twine, in between the note cards.

I introduced them to the idea of incorporating chalk boards in the wedding, which they loved! I found this large frame at a local thrift store and spray painted it white. Then, I cut a piece of heavy mat board to fit the frame and painted it with chalkboard paint. I drew in the rest by hand.

I loved how the backdrop turned out! This lovely ditty is the work of a talented duo that also helped set up and kept things running smoothly throughout the evening! Dave & Paige, you two really should start a event planning business!
I borrowed the iron garden arbor from my parents neighbor. I had purchased a few bunches of corkscrew willow from Tai Pan, which we tied to the arbor using brown zip ties (which you couldn't even see). Another neighbor had also recently pruned his willow tree, so we used some of the branches as well, which looked beautiful as there were still some fall leaves on the branches! The arbor was finished off by weaving burlap and white twinkle lights throughout.
To add some visual (and practical) stability, we anchored the arbor with two crates that were purchased at Joann and stained dark to give an antique feel. Each crate held a 36" cylinder vase with pea gravel and more corkscrew willow in it, as well as a short flower arrangement.

For the centerpieces, my mom and I scoured local thrift stores for simple, 12-14" glass, cylinder vases for the tall flower arrangements, and small 4-5" cylinder vases for the shorter arrangements. They were a steal at $1 a piece! The flowers were from Costco (purchased and arranged the day before)! I am no florist, so my sweet friend Karlie stepped in to help me out! She was a professional florist for years and gave her time and energy to help me put these beauties together! We bought the black lanterns and candles at Ikea and my mom had the small votives in her storage.
My brother and his wife gathered the fall leaves a few weeks prior to the wedding and they looked so festive on the table!

The table runners were probably my favorite part of the wedding decor! My mom found a great deal on burlap and purchased two whole bolts of it (without knowing if we would even use it - when you find a good deal on burlap, you bounce on it!) and she cut them down to size, fraying the edges. I designed their monogram and used my Yudu screen printer to add a personal touch to the table runners.

For their wedding favors, I donated some white, mini Chinese take out boxes I had and filled them with caramel corn (from the Pop Corn Cottage in Utah - a 7 gallon bag was only $35 and was more than enough to fill $100 of these boxes!) I finished them off with some green ribbon (from Tai Pan) and printed their monogram onto pearl ivory card stock that was framed with a bronze, metallic card stock square.

The couple chose a dessert buffet and purchased an array of pies from Marie Calendars. We lined the white table clothes with a burlap runner and used boxes under the linens to add height variety. I found simple, white, ceramic pie plates at Tai Pan for $3 a piece and displayed the pies on white cake stands (some which I already owned and the rest were borrowed from friends). I also bought the pie servers at the dollar store (which you would never even guess - they were great quality)! The mini chalkboards were rented from a local woman for a very reasonable price.
We also found small, white, square plastic plates at Zurchers and used some of my vintage milk glass to hold the silverware. Tea lights in clear votives and white floating candles in cylinder vases adorned the pie table.

I also used my screen printer to print "I love you more than pie" in silver in onto black aprons (purchased in packs of 3 at Michaels with a 40% off coupon). We let the servers keep their aprons as a thank you for helping!

Barry & Kelly also love Italian Sodas, so we set up a little soda station! I used an old white crate my mom had to hold the cups, straws, and napkins (all purchased at Zurchers) and a big 2 gallon glass jar held the ice. I bought a small metal scoop at a local restaurant supply store to scoop ice and the cream stayed cold in my large, galvanized bucket. We stored the cream in glass Korken bottles (from Ikea) and had a variety of flavored syrups.

This was originally a framed painting that I found at a thrift store. I loved the frame, so I painted it white, flipped the picture around and painted the back of the painting with chalkboard paint. I thought a variety in fonts was a fun idea to list the different flavors! While I wish my handwriting was normally this varied and lovely, it's not. I found fonts I liked online and carefully eyeballed them as I wrote out each letter.

I was so happy with out how it turned out! Andrew was a HUGE help, taking care of Baker when he got home from work so I could focus on the wedding details! If you have any questions about where I purchased, or if you live in Utah and want help with a wedding, send me an email!

{ Christmas Banners }

2013-12-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

It's Christmas time! Is your decor up? Mine has been up since Thanksgiving - I just couldn't wait!

I'm offering FREE shipping on my Christmas banners this week!

Visit my etsy shop and type in FREESHIPPING when you check out! If you order by Tuesday, you'll have it by Friday!

www.etsy.com/shop/lulubunting

Red Glitter Believe Bunting

{ Happy Halloween! }

2013-11-01T12:28:00.000-06:00

We had a great Halloween! Baker went as...well, a Baker! It was his first Halloween and I figured this is probably the only time he'll let me dress him this way. He was adorable and loved all the attention! We went trick or treating at my parents house and the neighbors next to them and then we went to Andrew's mom and dad's house for some yummy chili and bread sticks.

When we got there, everyone was taking pictures of Baker, and as you can see, he was hammin' it up for everyone! We trick or treated at a few more neighbor houses and then went home.

It was so fun dressing him up and easy! I made the little apron and printed an iron on transer that said "Baker" to the front of it (you can't see it in this picture). I used the tutorial from The Train to Crazy to make his little chef hat, and we bought the mini rolling pin from Ikea. He also had a little oven mitt that I made that he refused to wear - silly kid.

I hope your Halloween was great too!

{ DIY Button Earrings }

2013-10-21T21:42:00.000-06:00

A couple of months ago I started a little craft group with some friends. We're just a small group who likes to get our craft on from time to time! I almost like the adult interaction more than the craft!

This month we decided to make button covered earrings and they were so easy!

I've seen these all over the internet and craft fairs, and I knew they couldn't be that hard - and they weren't!

these are the pairs my friend Ryanne made - super cute!

You'll also need some:

E6000 Glue (I've seen some people use hot glue too but I'm not sure it's as strong)

Scissors

Needle nose pliers, or wire cutters

Directions: (as explained by Ryanne)

Follow the directions on the back of the cover button kit. There is a template to cut out and use. (Easy peasy directions, don't worry). Once you have completed the directions, use either your needle nose pliers to bend the button loop on the back, or wire cutters to completely cut it off. Then, add a little glue and stick the earring back on and let dry over night. Easy enough? I told you!

{ DIY Laundry Detergent }

2013-10-17T00:00:00.000-06:00

{ denver }

2013-10-14T22:30:00.002-06:00

A few weeks ago Baker and I flew out to Denver to visit Andrew while he was working out there. Flights were so cheap and 90% of the expenses were covered anyway, so we jumped at the opportunity! I wasn't as nervous flying with Baker this time because I knew what to expect and he did great! I'm still so grateful for random acts of kindness from strangers - helping me open the stroller when my hands are full, holding doors open, etc. Traveling alone with a baby isn't easy, but we did it!

Of course the weekend we were there it was a torrential downpour! Everywhere was flooded - freeways were shut down, people were being evacuated (luckily we weren't in that area and could stay put) but it was scary! I joked with Andrew and said "I didn't know our hotel had a lake view!" (referring to the flooded parking lot). Despite of the rain, we had a lot of fun and visited a lot of the places I remembered as a kid when we'd visit my cousins who lived near Denver.

The best part was seeing Andrew and being able to spend time with him, especially since he works so hard for us and travels quite a bit!

{ trying to figure it all out }

2013-10-14T20:56:00.001-06:00

Journal entry from 10/14/2005
"Today was a good day. Nothing particularly exciting happened, but things just fell into place and it was easy. I met with a few vendors today and got a ton updated in the library. Who knew there were design librarians? I didn't, until I graduated from school and found this job! I love it - the job, the building, the people. HBDG is built in this incredibly cool old church that they've restored into a design center. I have my own little space up here and have full control of the library. It was in a bit of a mess when I got here, but I'm utilizing my mad organization skills to whip it into place. After work I drove straight to the gym. I had another appointment with my trainer and he kicked my butt! He's a funny, flirty guy which makes it difficult to get a good workout in. No worries though, I'm getting so buff - still, I'd love to lose another 20 pounds. Speaking of losing weight, I went up to Park City last week and went shopping. I love the outlets up there and spent about $200 on clothes. It was so fun because I bought a lot of things from Banana Republic and the larges were loose on me! Woo hoo! I think I'm going to Express after work tomorrow to get some new work pants. I love the Editor style. I have a date tomorrow - someone my trainer set me up with. We'll see how it goes. Blind dates - yikes! Good night for now..."

Journal entry from today
"The house in quiet so I thought I'd take a few minutes and jot down a few thoughts. Baker woke up this morning at 2:30am. He does that sometimes and usually goes back to sleep, but this morning, he cried. I got up, made a baba, changed him and fed him. He went right back to sleep, but I couldn't. I laid there thinking about things I needed to do. Vacuum, sweep/mop, empty dishwasher, organize things in attic, maybe bring down Halloween decorations. Do I want to decorate now that the month is half over? Take baby stuff up to attic, maybe wait till Andrew gets home from work to do it in case I trip on the ladder and fall. Speaking of fall, I need to find an outfit for Barry's wedding, but I want to loose 60 pounds. Is it possible to lose that much in a month? Maybe just shoot for 10. I need to buy a sports bra. And a jogging stroller. I need to make time to exercise. I feel so fat. Augh. Finally, an hour later, I dozed off again. Andrew woke up early for work & I couldn't fall back asleep. Baker woke up about 7 and we went through our morning routine. I get him out of bed, change him, get him dressed for the day, then we go downstairs. I get him a baba and then try to get him to eat some oatmeal and bananas. He's not been eating as well lately and I worry. Then we go back upstairs so I can shower and get ready. I sit him down with some toys and play with him for a little bit, saying "maaamaaa daadaa baabaa" hoping he'll mimic me and say it back. He just smiles, laughs a little, and squeals. I smile but I also worry - why isn't he babbling more? Why isn't he crawling? What am I doing wrong? I shower, quickly get ready and realize my roots have grown out. All I see are so many gray hairs. I need to stop at Sallys and buy hair dye to fix my roots. No money in the budget this month to get my hair done. Plus, I really don't know what I want to do with my hair. I feel like it's so blah and 95% of the time, I have it pulled up so Bake won't pull it (ouch). I go to get dressed and realize I have nothing to wear (seriously). I wear the same 5 outfits all the time and I need new clothes. But I want to lose weight first. And then there's the money issue. I throw something on, and then it's time for Bake's nap. He goes down and I decide to lay down too. Next thing I know, I hear him talking. I slept while he napped. Two hours wasted. I feel groggy from sleeping too long. We get up, eat lunch, and head out to run errands and head up to my moms for dinner since Andrew is working late. We visit while Baker plays and she asks if I'm doing okay. I tell her, yes, for the most part and tell her my frustrations with wanting to lose weight, clothes, feeling like I have no "me" time, etc. We talk and I feel good. Bake starts getting fussy so we head home. He's in bed now and I'm writing this, feeling an array of emotions. I was thinking about that journal entry from 8 years ago. I knew who I was then. Things were easy. All I had to worry about was me. And now, I am trying to figure out who I am as a mom. Trying to find time for myself (which is almost impossible with a husband who travels a lot for work). Time to work out. Time to get out by myself and do something fun. Time (and money) to get new clothes. It's hard. Harder than I ever thought it would be. I used to hear moms talk about "you need to make time for YOU!" and I always though, "Oh give me a break! It can't be THAT hard!" but now that I'm here, living the life that is motherhood, I'm like "Where the hell did MY time go?!" The transition from having a career and financial freedom and time to do whatever I wanted, to being on a tight budget and spending most of my days alone with an infant is so, so hard.

The lyrics to "Am I the only one who's ever felt this way" by the Dixie Chicks came to mind tonight,

"Now My Sense Of Humor Needs A Break
I See A Shadow In The Mirror
And She's Laughin' Through Her Tears
One More Smile's All I Can Fake

There Is A Wound Inside Me
And It's Bleeding Like A Flood
There's Times When I See A Light Ahead
Hope Is Not Enough
As Another Night Surrounds Me
And It Pounds Me Like A Wave
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?"

You guys, tell me I'm not the only one struggling with this. When/how did you figure out who you were as a mom? How do you make time for yourself?

***I feel like I need to offer some clarification regarding this post in conjunction with a few comments I've received (which were not published on here, by the way) . I'm not depressed. I just express myself best through writing. I don't regret motherhood at all. Lord knows how long I wanted to be a mother and the pain infertility brought, however I don't think that expressing my feelings of frustration or asking how other moms do it makes me a bad mom or less worthy of the title. I suppose I could just sit in silence and put on a brave face, but if you know me, then you know I'm a loud mouth woman who speaks my mind and goes on the occasional rant. ;)
My friend Tenae nailed it on the head when she said "I don't regret for one minute putting my career on hold but it sure was nice to feel accomplished & secure within myself."
That is the point I was trying to get across. Hence the two journal entries. One from when I had found myself in my twenties, single, rollin in the dough, and selfish with my time. The other was from now, showing how much things have changed (not necessarily for the worse) and how I'm trying to adjust to this big change that is motherhood.
Thank you to everyone to left encouraging comments. Don't worry, there is no ledge to talk me down from ;) ***

{ halloween banners }

2013-10-10T16:21:00.002-06:00

Halloween Banners are 30% off thru Halloween!

Enter code HAPPYHALLOWEEN at checkout!

Visit LuLu Bunting to purchase!

{ don't compare }

2013-09-09T16:38:00.000-06:00

Oh how true this statement is.

My thoughts have centered around this quote ever since I saw it, and I've thought about the many, many times I have let myself spiral into a depression and loss of self just by comparing myself to others.

Comparing myself as a designer, a friend, a mother, etc. There are times I wish Pinterest & Blogs didn't exist. As if it wasn't hard enough to compare ourselves to people we see everyday, now we have an entire online world showing us what we could do, what we could be. If only we had enough time, money, talent, patience, etc.

When I was in my mid twenties, I really thought I had "found" myself. I was happy with who I was. I knew what I liked and was confident in my thoughts and abilities. It's hard to pinpoint when I started to doubt myself and my likes, but over the years I've found myself adapting to things just because it's easier and frankly, it's what I thought people wanted. When did it become easier to conform?

I remember when I first started blogging. I'd put whatever I wanted on my blog because it was what I liked. I'd post videos of things I liked, regardless of whether they were design related or what not. And I loved blogging. It was fun! Somewhere along the line, I started blogging and posting ideas because I had to. It wasn't "Oh hey, I decided to make this so I think I'll share it" anymore. It was "What can I think of next to keep people interested?" I lost the "me" in my blog. Sad, right?

To be honest, there are times I don't even want to blog or look at blogs, quite frankly. I can only speak for myself, but most of the time I read a blog and I end up feeling bad about myself. Of course people aren't going to air their dirty laundry on their blog, but at the same time, do you ever look at a blog and feel like saying, "OH COME ON! You're life isn't all pretty pictures & posing!"

I think what it comes down to is finding myself again. Trusting my ideas & seeking inspiration in places other than the web. Realizing that everyone is unique. It's okay to like the same things, but it's also okay to be different. It's awesome being me.

Because really, the joy that comes in realizing that is a totally freeing, uplifting feeling that comparison can't take away.

{ seattle }

2013-08-26T15:11:00.000-06:00

Andrew has been traveling for work this summer quite a bit. People ask me how I do it, and I tell them I just do it. I'm used to it.

Plus, honestly, once I said to myself, "Okay, Shan. This is what you have to do. This is a sacrifice, but you're strong and independent and you can do it." I was fine.

I've got my little routine down, but there are days when Baker is fussy and it's hard. Those are the days I can really empathize with single mom. It's not easy doing it on your own.

Andrew had already been gone for a week when he called me and said his trip was extended another week. I'll be honest, I was buggin when he first told me. I hate last minute changes like that. I'm a planner, and I like to know what's around the next corner. But alas, life isn't a road map. You just have to roll with the punches, so that's what we did.

I needed a break and we missed Andrew terribly, so I used my sky miles, and Baker and I flew up to visit Daddy for a few days.

I was nervous to travel by myself with Baker, but I figured people fly with babies all the time, so why not me? Still, I prayed he'd be good so I could avoid the evil eye from other passengers. Luckily, my prayers were answered and he did great (well, as good as can be expected from a baby).

Here are my tips for parents traveling with babies.

Sit at the back of the plane if you can. That way, you can get out and stand up without being in anyone's way.

Oh, and get an isle seat. Someone told me to get a window seat because you can rest against it, and you have control over the window (shutting the shade when they nap), so I got a window seat. Boy, that was a mistake. Yeah I had control of the window shade, and Baker kind of napped for a little bit, but when he was awake, he wanted to stand on my lap and he's wobbly and his moves are unexpected at times and he kept hitting his head against the side of the plane. Then he'd cry. Then people would give me mean looks. Not fun. Oh and crawling across two people to make your way out of the seat is super fun with a baby. Just get an isle seat peeps. Then when your kid gets fussy, you can stand and bounce him and disturb nobody.

Before you board, ask the flight attendant at the kiosk if the plane is full. If it's not, you can bring your car seat on, which in my case, made the flight a lot more pleasant. On the flight there, there wasn't a seat vacant. On the flight back, we had the whole back row to ourselves! Baker stayed in his car seat and slept 95% of the time. When he was awake, he happily played with his toys as he sat in his carseat. It was blissful.

I also came to terms with people who roll their eyes at you or give dirty looks when your baby gets fussy and cries. I realize these people probably don't have kids, or if they do, they're sucky, impatient, non-sympathetic parents and their eye roll invites bad karma to their parenting life. I was trying my best and that means I had nothing to apologize for.

I realized there are amazing, kind, helpful people out there who see a mom traveling by herself with a crap load of stuff (stroller, car seat, luggage, etc) and offer to help.

I also realized that thankfully, there were more people willing to help than there were eye rollers.

Anyway, I'll let my instagram photos tell the rest of the story. We had a blast. It was so so so good seeing Andrew and even better seeing him with his son. We laughed, played, did all the touresty things, ate delicious sea food, and enjoyed our time as a family. Seattle was beautiful and amazing. It will always hold a special place in my heart.

{ As of late... }

2013-08-10T21:40:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted about our little family in awhile, so I figured now was as good a time as any to get caught up. Last Sunday I convinced Andrew to play hookie and skip out on the last 2 hours of church for a little drive up the canyon. Some might say that's a sin, but I justified by stating it was quality family time. Plus, let's be honest. 3 hours of church is ridiculous, especially when you have babies. It makes nap time impossible, which makes the whole day extra exciting. Isn't there a rumor going around somewhere that someone's sister-in-law's, cousin's, babysitter's ward is the "test" ward for 2 hour meetings instead of 3? Can that be my ward? (For those of you reading this wondering what the heck a ward is, it's what we call our church house congregation. There's so many of us, we can't fit into one building, so we split into areas or wards) Not that anyone reads this anymore.
Anywho, we drove up to Tibble Fork Resivoir and it was lovely! It made me want to go fishing & camping, and it also reminded me of the time I got my dad's little black 2 wheel drive truck stuck in a ~~river~~ stream as I was coming home from camping with some friends at 3am. Luckily someone with a bigger truck heard us splashing around, trying to push the truck out of the water and towed me out. Don't tell Dad.

This morning, we got up at the crack of dawn to attend the Sandy City Balloon Festival. It was neat and I took some cool pics of the balloons. This is my fav....until I noticed the old man fist pumping/photo bombing my frame. Ha. Nice ol' man, nice.

And last, I can't get enough of this little drool monster. He' sitting up now, which is adorable. My friend commented on Instagram that in every picture, he has a steady stream of drool coming out of his mouth. I had to laugh, because it's true! One of these days I'll find a little tooth popping through!

{ happier than a corgie on stilts }

2013-08-08T14:38:00.003-06:00

i love this

{ two wolves }

2013-07-30T23:25:00.001-06:00

I love this.

Partially because I've got a little Cherokee in me, but mostly because it's a battle I fight.

Every. Day.

I don't know when I started becoming so pesimistic. So envious. So angry. Being the type A personality that I am, I tend to dwell on and get really passionate about things. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is when you dwell on the negative and can't let it go. I'd take things personally. I was insecure. I'd become so envious that it would lead to disliking people. People who never did anything to me. I'd resent their achievements. It was awful.

Over time, the evil wolf inside me became the alpha male. I let it take over and it showed. I'd call my friends to complain about something and I'd go on and on and they'd be like "Well...try to see the silver lining or the bright side!" and I'd be like "WHAT?! Take my side! Tell me I'm right! DAMN IT!" and they'd be like "Peace out, sista..."

Then one day it dawned on me. It was like stepping outside of myself and watching me with a new set of eyes. I didn't want to be that person. I didn't even know that person.

It's taken me awhile to get back to a good, happy place. It's a true, concerted effort that I have to give each day. I hope someday I won't have to try so hard. That I'll get to the point where I feel love for everyone and give the benefit of the doubt more often. I'm trying to nurse the good wolf back with acts of kindness, compliments, service, appreciation, and compassion. Truly trying to live a Christ like life.

Still, there are times the alpha male growls inside me and I have to suppress it. I know it won't go away at once...or that it will ever totally disappear, but I'm happier when I feel joy, peace, and kindness.

I'm feeding the good wolf.

{ Baker 5 months }

2013-07-29T23:10:00.002-06:00

Oh, little man. Where do I even start? You're growing up too fast - just thinking about it makes a lump form in my throat.

You had your first taste of rice cereal this month! The first time we tried it, you were pretty tired and hungry. You didn't like it to say the least. We gave it another shot a few nights later and you gobbled it right up. Now you love it. The trick is feeding you fast enough and keeping your hands out of your mouth!
Your hands are still in your mouth 95% of the time. You prefer them to your binkie, but now, you suck on your fingers with the pads touching the top of your mouth. You must like the pressure on the roof of your mouth. I've even seen you with your thumb in your mouth a few times. A little thumb sucker - just like mommy.
You've also discovered your toes and love to hold them when you're laying on your back. I've even caught them in your mouth a few times! Silly guy!
We've been working on saying your consonants lately like ma-ma-ma, ba-ba-ba, da-da-da, etc. You haven't quite mimicked it yet, but you get a kick out of watching us say it!
You take a bottle with formula now, as most of my milk is gone. It's bitter sweet, but I'm glad you nursed as long as you did!
Your activities are sitting in your high chair with toys, sitting up in your bumbo, or "standing" in your johnny jumper and looking around. You're so close to sitting up on your own and you act like such a proud, confident little guy when you practice sitting up! We're so proud of you!
Everyone that sees you just gushes over what a happy, sweet, handsome little baby you are. Of course I have to agree and I'm happy to say you're such a good boy!
I love hearing your laugh and your funny noises you make. You're such a talker and love to make your voice heard! You also make the funniest faces - your little personality is really shining through!
I can't seem to have enough bibs on hand these days- you're such a drooler and love to blow spit bubbles! Everything you wear gets soaked, but as long as you're happy, I'm happy!
You experienced your first parade this year and firework show. You didn't like the parade, because it was loud and interfered with your nap time, but you slept right through the fireworks! I hope next year you'll enjoy it more!
You love to be outside and love the water - as long as it's nice and warm! It's fun to see you kick and splash when we say "go swimmin!"

Buggy, you are growing so fast! It's hard to imagine you getting any bigger! We love you so much and look forward to every new day we have with you! Love you!
Momma

{ DIY no sew binkie holder }

2013-07-23T22:37:00.000-06:00

When you have an infant, it's important to have a binkie on hand at all times. I should know. A few ~~weeks~~ months after I had Baker, I was finally brave enough to take him out and about. He usually did great and slept 95% of the time. Because of this, I got a little lackadaisical about making sure we had a binkie with us. Then one day he woke up while I was running errands and started crying. I rummaged through his diaper bag & couldn't find his binkie anywhere, and I could not console him. As his cries got louder and more intense, I finally had to abandon my cart in the middle of an isle and rush home to find his bink. After that, I decided I'd never leave home without a binkie and made a couple of holders.
My friends, you don't have to be stranded without a binkie. No more worrying about it falling on the floor and boiling them multiple times a day. You too can live a life free of binkie worry. And you don't even have to sew. Here's how...

{ know me }

2013-07-23T16:05:00.000-06:00

I saw this on Simply Modern Mommy and couldn't resist.

Making : a cover for my Sterilite 3 drawer storage cart
Cooking : roasted garlic cauliflower for dinner - makes the house stink like garlic, but it's divine!
Drinking : water (but i'd love a dirty diet dr pepper! yum!)
Reading : Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn (so far, so good!) I just finished Saving CeeCee Honeycutt (great, quick read!)
Wanting : a new house with a garage & basement - someday
Looking : at my computer desk, realizing i should have bought the bigger desk top
Playing : with Baker after his nap
Wasting : time on the internet - my achilles heel
Sewing : buntings
Wishing : Baker would fall asleep
Enjoying : spending time with my mom while she's on summer break
Waiting : a mocha freeze from Costco
Liking : the "Something's Gotta Give" soundtrack - French music completes me
Wondering : when we should start trying to get preg again
Loving : my new flat iron. goodbye frizzy hair
Hoping : my weight loss efforts will pay off
Marveling : at my baby boy- he is my joy & my life
Needing : a pool - it is hot!
Smelling : my perfume - cool citrus basil body spray from bath & body works
Wearing : my new metallic platform wedges
Following :
Noticing : my gray hair regrowth - time for a visit to the salon
Learning : how to rip up old tile and re-tile so I can do my bathroom
Thinking : i should get off the computer and do something more productive
Bookmarking : DIY websites (more like pinning)

Opening : a new package of binkies - who knows where they get lost

Giggling : at Baker's new tricks & giggles

Feeling : grateful

Now it’s your turn. Leave me a comment with a link to your site if you do this so I can get to know you too!

{ Baker 4 months }

2013-06-18T22:54:00.002-06:00

Oh, my little Baker boy...where has the time gone? It's amazing the changes you have made in the last month. Here are a few new things you've learned...

You've started talking a ton & you've really found your voice! You love to tell stories and we talk about your day when I'm putting you to bed at night. Sometimes as I'm trying to get you to go to sleep, I'll talk to you really soft and you'll look up at me, with your great big brown eyes, and softly coo back and give me a sweet smile. It's like you're telling me you love me too, and it melts my heart each time. It's a moment I'll cherish forever!
Your favorite things are your hands! It's a rare occurrence when you don't have your hands in your mouth. You also like to suck on your two middle fingers or your thumb, and even though I try to sneak the binkie in your mouth instead, you prefer your hand.
I swear you are teething. You drool like crazy and constantly rub your tongue on your top gums. The top is more bumpy than the bottom, but I haven't seen any tooth buds yet! I bet you get your top teeth first!
Anytime I put you in your car seat or bouncy seat, you try to sit up. You lean your head way forward like you want to sit up, big kid style. Even though you can sit in your bumbo, you're still too wobbly to sit up on your own. If we set you on the crack where the cushions meet on the couch, it helps support you and you feel like a big kid, sitting "on your own".
Earlier this month, we went on a garden tour and bought a baby carrier for you so I wouldn't have to haul the stroller around. I was worried you wouldn't like it, but you loved it! Daddy came with us and loved carrying you around in it- you thought it was the funnest thing ever and would kick and squeal every time you got in it!
Your long, red, baby hair is starting to fall out and new, softer hair is growing in it's place. It's still red, but it's looking a little more dark. I'll have to cut a lock of your red hair while it's still there!

You still continue to make us all smile and laugh with your cute little personality. I can't wait to see what the next month brings! xoxo, Momma

{Baker 3 Months}

2013-05-18T23:19:00.002-06:00

"The days go by slow, but the years go by fast!" One of Daddy's coworkers gave me that bit of advice the other day, and boy is that true- and we haven't even reached a year yet! We're at 3 months already?! I can't believe it.

You have become such a smiley, vocal little guy! It's my absolute favorite milestone you've reached by far! Each morning, when we get you out of your crib, you greet us with a big ol' smile and sometimes, even a little chuckle or squeal of delight. When we smile at you, you smile back. We even have little conversations and you tell us stories in your little baby talk.
Sometimes when I'm nursing you, I'll look down and you'll be staring up at me, with your big brown eyes, full of love, and give me a big smile as milk dribbles down your cheek.You've really fallen in love with your momma and it melts my heart.
Everyone that sees you always comments on two things- your beautiful red hair, and the fact that you look exactly like Daddy, both of which make you such a handsome little man! Oh, and you definitely have Mommy's brown eyes!
It's finally really starting to warm up and we had our first outdoor play time! You loved being in the warm sunshine and smelled like such a summer time baby with your sunscreen on! I can't wait for this summer to see you splash around in the kiddie pool!
Speaking of splashing around, you still love your bathy time! You've started kicking more and surprise yourself when you splash water and it hits your face. Silly guy.
You are such a happy, good baby. You generally sleep at least 6 hours or more straight every night and go to bed like a champ. I will usually nurse you, then cuddle you and sing songs to you while I rock you in the glider. Then, after your swaddled, I give you a kiss, turn off your light, and you fall right asleep.
You're such an alert little guy and love looking at different shapes and colors. You're easily distracted, especially when nursing, but I've become more patient as you unlatch and kink your head to see whatever shape is behind mommy. I love how fascinated you've become by the world around you. I hope you're always curious about new things!

You're such a joy to us Baker. Celebrating my first Mothers Day with you was wonderful and I love being your mom. Love you forever,
Mommy

{ motherhood monday: thoughts on mothers day }

2013-05-06T22:12:00.000-06:00

With Mother's Day fast approaching, my mind has been filled with thoughts of where I was last year and where I am now. I've thought a lot about Mother's Day - what it means, what it represents, why we celebrate it. Even now, as a new mother, I have mixed emotions about the day. Let me explain...

Last year at this time, I was in a dark place. After trying to get pregnant for 4 years, and after many fertility treatments, I finally found out I was pregnant. We were thrilled. I was so so happy. And then we lost it. I was devastated. (You can read that post here)

Mother's Day occurred a few weeks after I miscarried. I remember the weeks leading up to that day, I was so angry. Everywhere I looked, everything I read, and it seemed every other commercial on television was an advertisement with unsolicited, mocking reminders of what might have been - something I longed for with every fiber of my being.

Most of all, I dreaded going to church. My religion focuses so much on the family, which is great, and I love that, but when you're not a mother, it made my infertility feel even more pronounced. I couldn't procreate as we're taught. I dreaded when they would ask all the mothers in the congregation to stand to be recognized as they handed out flowers. I dreaded hearing someone speak and talk about how blessed they were because God trusted them enough that He would bless them with these sweet spirits (aka their children). As if I wasn't trust worthy enough to conceive. I couldn't handle one more talk given where someone might say that motherhood was a sacred responsibility. Again, it made me feel like God didn't think I was responsible.

I remember the Saturday before Mothers Day, sobbing, telling Andrew that I couldn't go to church. I wanted to worship God, but the distraction of all the talks on mothers would make me angry, and I didn't want to be angry with God. Andrew understood, and we decided we wouldn't attend.

Later that day, a very sweet friend knocked on my door with a beautiful bouquet of flowers in her hand. She gave them to me with a little card that had a beautiful scripture on it.

I cried when I read it and thanked her so much for the sweet gesture. She told me that she knew what I was going through. She knew I probably wouldn't be at church the next day, and it was okay. She, a mother, understood what I was going through, as she had also suffered many miscarriages.

She told me that even though I didn't have a baby, I was still a mother. I thought about this the rest of the day and the next day. While her words were sweet and kind, I still didn't feel like a mother. The years I struggled with infertility, I read article after article about how sisters, aunts, and all women were mothers. We were mothers "in our own way". While that was a lovely thought, it didn't offer much consolation to one who longed to hold a baby in their arms that was their own.

So tonight, as I write this, I have mixed emotions. I am finally a mother. I am actually looking forward to Mother's Day, and Sunday will no longer bring the familiar sting that it has for so many years in the past. But my heart still aches for those still struggling - who long to be mothers. And who knows - maybe Sunday will come and go and my expectations for the day will leave me feeling lackluster. Maybe it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

And so I propose this - instead of celebrating Mother's Day this Sunday, let's celebrate women in general. We are all, after all, awesome, creative, caring, sensitive, nurturing, talented, women. Whether you can get pregnant or not, whether you are a mother or not, let's celebrate us as women and the women in our lives - not just the mothers.