hazari zulkefli

ten

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Sun, 07 Aug 2016 14:21:00 +0000

I am thankful, grateful, surprised, excited and terrified, that I managed to finish one-third of the first challenge now.

Day 10 - Best trip of your life

I am not sure if I have ever had any best trips. Most of them, mostly, consist of half-day long of being in the car, listening to some whatnot on the radio, while my parents are complaining about stuffs all over and over again, either it's about politics or about their acquaintances, co-workers and those people I don't really have the intention to know, nevertheless to care about. If the weather is good, then it is a plus one. If too sunny, like usual, I have nothing much to do. And usually, we don't even stay in the hotels, we just go, and come back as soon as possible. Even if we do check-in some hotels, both my parents will just stay inside the room until we head back home, which is all the time - not mostly, for only one night. Food, we bring from home or bought somewhere. Eventho that lately these patterns have been a bit change, but still, almost the same. Do I feel sad and jealous when I see photos of people with other families having fun on their vacation? I don't even have enough and sufficient vocabulary inside my head just to tell you that, yes, I am. Those pools, swimming pools, theme parks, water parks, whatever good stuffs going on out there, I have never, ever, be in one of those places. Yes, I do sound selfish in here. People will probably tell me that I should just be grateful and thankful for everything instead of just whining like a small spoiled bratty child in here. Whatever, people, my life is not just about fulfilling your requirement of happiness, and if I say that I want to be happy like other kids do, I really mean it.

I still remember when I was a really, really young child where all of us went to the beach, or go to someplace rural where we play with water. It was happy times. But then I have no idea what have got into us, or my parents. They have been busier, and they, changed. I may have some problems with them today and I can't even figure out what is going on with me, it is just that, they aren't like my parents that I used to know. I miss my sister, that is. Kakak wasn't always being very understanding towards me, but I feel good and I can tell her things. Or at least a person on this world that I can tell almost everything. She didn't always understand, but I like her. She listened to me. And yes, it is almost 2 years since she left us, well, physically, but still, it also has been two years since I bottle things up inside me. I feel like sometimes my temper is like this much, like literally a pinch. I have nobody to tell all my problems too. And no, I can't count on my brothers. I told my eldest brother about my problem with MiFi and somehow, my second brother knows about it and he even bought one, either it is intentionally for me or not, I don't care much about that, and somehow, even my father knows about it. If I want to tell everybody about a problem I am having, then I surely will tell everybody in the Whatsapp group about it. I don't have to tell a person which finally explodes it to everybody in the family. Yes it looks like a small stuff but seriously, if people consider this as a small stuff, you really are a one very judgy person. Your world is dark and people hate you.

This post somehow led to something really far-off. I am sorry. I just don't have "the best trip" in my life. I am not that perfect or at least came from a very, functioning family. Night people.

nine

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Sat, 06 Aug 2016 15:59:00 +0000

This is going to be a one very short post. Okay, day 9, here it is.

Day 9 - What's in my wallet.

I have been wondering about this question today of what should I write. Okay. Wallet. Tonight let's talk about my wallet. It is a pretty old wallet, anyway. I have been using it for years. My eldest brother gave it to me.

So, first thing, of course my money. After raya like a month ago I have like quite a lot of money in my wallet. Being 23 and the only one single person in the family is cool as both parents and both my brothers gave me duit raya. Quite a lot of money, I'd have to say. Next, bank receipts, of course. I am a receipt hoarder. I hoard receipts, so hard. Sometimes not only banks but also other receipts. Have no idea why but it feels so important to keep track of things. My Watson membership card. I rarely shop at Watson now so feels like a waste but still, it is quite okay I think. not really a waste. I did received a lot of free gifts from it upon registration. Then my debit card. My driving license. My ID, of course. Then my brother's credit card. Yup. I own a credit card. Deal with it. But I rarely use it and only use it during emergencies, such as when I can't purchase some stuffs from online by using my debit card, so I just borrow the credit card and pay for it later.

That's all I guess. I used to showcase my photo inside my wallet but then my narcissism decreased a bit so I slid it behind the this one white card so now it's only a white card.

eight

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Fri, 05 Aug 2016 14:47:00 +0000

Day 8 - Five current goals

Not sure how, or why, do I do not even really have a really fixed goal right now. It maybe because of the "post-intern unseen plans" which I am currently having right now. But still, I should make some goals, am I. So, today I have been thinking of what are the goals I am aiming for right now. And maybe, maybe, for now, these goals are something relevant as for now, only. For the future, maybe too. Not sure.

1 - I want to get fit

Not like fit, muscular, hunky type body. That's too much and too far for me. I really miss it back when I was in my freshman year, second semester to be precise. My belly was like okay, not as big as right now. I am not sure what is the correct or actual word for it. That was when I am still in pretty extreme saving mode. So, yea, I am still thinking of some ways to at least be in a better shape, again, soon.

2 - I want to rid the "post-intern unseen plans" problem

This could take a tremendous amount of time. I am still unsure of what I will be doing starting this March 2017. I will give a lot of thinking time about this. Weighing all pros and cons and chances regarding this and finally, I will come up with the best solution, and go out of this sort of quarterlife crisis stuff and that's it. I will. I know that I will be. I just do.

3 - Adjusting myself to life-in-internship lifestyle

Because the atmosphere is going to be different. Like so different. I will be living off-campus. Means that, everything is changed. Lifestyle, of course. Cost of living, transportation mode, neighbourhood atmosphere, distance, etc etc, and since this is for my internship, I will have to go out early in the morning and be back home late evening. Office hours, of course. There are a lot of stuffs to think of, and I really, really hope that I could adjust myself as soon as I can.

4 - I want to commit

Or, I want to get rich in The Sims. As I told in previous post that I can get bored so easily where I only play some games for like, 7 days tops. But, I want to try with The Sims. I want to play for as long as I can. I want to get rich. One of the families that I play from the beginning, the Forrest family is now rich and living and Newcrest. Another one I am now is Smith, currently building his money and richness where soon I want him to live in lavishness with his spouse and maybe even have a couple of kids. I don't know, that seems interesting and committable to me.

5 - I want to get published in Thought Catalog

Again, I am stating this. Have no idea how but this is the eighth question in this first challenge. And, if you ask me how am I doing right now, well, so far so good. I do feel that sometimes my motivation is down and I don't feel like writing, or thinking of what to write. But still, don't look for ideas, create them. Just put a little courage, more is better, sit on the chair, stare at the screen, and that's how most of my posts are created. Really, one of my goals now is to be in Thought Catalog. Have no idea why, but that is like one of the things I'd like do now.

And by the very least, I am now slowly thriving myself towards those goals now. May the very best of motivation and productivity, stay with me now, and always.

seven

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Thu, 04 Aug 2016 14:10:00 +0000

Day 7 - Your 5 favourite songs

Since I am in holidays now, I tend to listen to The Chainsmokers. Well actually this whole year I have been actively listening to them, ever since I first listened to Roses last year. Taylor Swift's Blank Space used to be my favourite song, well it still is, actually, it is just that I am now more into listening to The Chainsmokers. So, uh, top five songs. Let's see what do I have in my current playlist now. Not to forget their latest one together with Halsey, Closer. During this time of holiday, I spend almost all of my time at home, so I just listened to Roses, of course, Closer, cause it's new and addictive, American Author's What We Live For, I have been listening to this one since the last weeks of the past semester, during this time also I like to listen to Børns' Past Lives and finally, Photograph by Ed Sheeran.

The list will surely be changed anytime soon. Maybe not for Photograph. I tend or, like, to listen to it while I feel sad and missing my sister. I listened to it when it's malam raya, or when I feel like to listen to it. I actually have some specific song for specific events. When it's hari raya, I like to listen to these certain songs, when it's holiday, these sort of songs, when I am busy, doing some work, or in the morning, certain songs.

Just another short post from me. Tomorrow I am going to talk about something lengthy.

six

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Wed, 03 Aug 2016 14:00:00 +0000

Tonight, I am going to talk about fear. But I am going to keep this as brief as I can because I just finished downloading and installing Sims 4 this evening so I don't want to get myself to be so sad as it'll just spoil the game.

Day 6 - What are you afraid of

Long story short, safe to say, I am afraid of failing. Well, everybody hates to fail, but I can say that failing is my greatest fear. The greatest of this, is how I am so scared of failing in life. Which brings me to many other possible elements, such as education, career, relationship, financial, etc etc. Education, guess I've talked about it last night. Career, still unknown. But I am attracted to what Daria said about career. I'll just take this from an episode called "Gifted," in the quote section.

Teacher: Daria, what about your goal?
Daria: Uhmmm. I don't have any.
Teacher: Oh come, Daria! You must have some goal.
Daria: My goal is not to wake up at forty with the bitter realization that I've wasted my life in a job I hate, because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens.

This made me to rethink about all of my plans, whether long term, or short term. And whether it is even related to career or not. I don't want to wake up at 40 and feel that I spent such a vast of the duration of my youth into something that I am not capable of enjoying. This is like everybody's goal in life. I don't want to turn into other people and be sad when I get old, or have some remorse when I am on my death bed. Some time ago I stumbled upon on this one article from TopInfo Post that talks about the regrets people usually have when they are about to pass away, told by a nurse.

I am not an overachiever, which pretty much explains that I am scared of being a failure. I believe in the myth that everything has to be as planned, unless it turns out to be better than I expected. So, long story short, I am afraid of failing.

five

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Tue, 02 Aug 2016 14:56:00 +0000

It is now 10:04 pm. The fact that today's question is somehow very, very good and suitable for today is why I am quite happy now. Tomorrow I'll be going out and have some sushi. Can't wait to have them posted in my instagram tomorrow. So stay tuned for it.

Day 5 - Your proudest moment

Contrary to popular belief, I actually have multiple proudest moments. Or proud moments. First, take a look at this Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

Source: simplypsychology.com

Safe to say, my proudest moment is when I achieve my self-fulfillment needs. But I am not sure where I really achieve my full potential, including creative activities. But the feeling of accomplishment also can be considered as one. Well, today is one of them, the proudest moment. Thank god I for my final exam result. First class it is. Pretty much, much better than I had expected. However I scored a B in Knowledge Management, quite frustrated of it but still, overall, I am satisfied. If my calculation so far is correct, and let's stay I managed to score A for practicum, then insyaAllah, I'll be graduating as a first class student. Amin.

I am not into sports, so I have never had the feeling of succeed in physical games or anything like that. I am also not competitive in such very serious stuffs like indoor games or even computer games, video games. Internet/real world fame, also no. Career achievement, still a bit far for me now. I mean, it is like, being in class and perform in my exams, tests, quizzes, or academic, in general, is like something that I should totally excel. I don't have many (or any) talents, so this is all I got. This explains why I should perform very, very well in academic, as this is the only way for me to survive. So, each time I excel in my academic, I feel proud. Proud and grateful. I won't be in this position where I am right now if it is not with the influence of a lot of people in my life then, and now.

four

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Sun, 31 Jul 2016 14:53:00 +0000

Four is pretty much my favourite number, anyway. I was born in April and I am the fourth of my siblings. Okay, so, I was quite inactive for a few days. 3 days, to be precised. Thursday, I was busy with the preparation of the big event for Friday. And yesterday it was like the aftermath and I was like so tired to do anything serious on the computer. I just downloaded all full episodes of first season of Stranger Things and oh my god, have to say it, I love it. So now, like I said on previous post, this one is going to be quite depressing. Now let's talk career.

Day 4 - Your dream job

Okay. I admit it. I am 23, with roughly no dream job. I am not sure how, or at least why, but somehow I am now at the thought of no plans ahead of me. This is my first time of having no plan of what I am going to and/or where I am to go, and who I am going to be in the near future. It is August by tomorrow, and about 7 months from now, my internship is going to end, and after that? So far no, nothing. Inside my head, it is like weeping, crying with this sort of thinking. I stated earlier that I may want to be in writing, but then like usual, other thoughts start to creep inside and I start to be as pessimist as I could and then, that's it. But I do want to be in Thought Catalog, that's for sure. But still, as for now, I am seriously looking for clues of what's coming as soon as March came.

This is just a short post. And tomorrow, 1st of August, is the release date for my final exams result. The final exam of the first degree. Really hope for a first class or at least get into the Dean's List. Amin.

Things will get better, that's for sure. They just do, because if it is not okay, then it is not the end.

three

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Wed, 27 Jul 2016 13:23:00 +0000

Okay, I have been thinking about this since yesterday. Not that I have no idea of what to write, but I am just confused. But still, let's to this.

Day 3 - Your favourite quote

I don't really have one, actually. But I have a lot, where I only really think of them and how true they are in certain circumstances. Such as Murphy's Law, I am not really sure this counts as a quote or not. Other's like "if it is not okay then it is not the end." Somehow at this point my head is empty with some of the quotes I always think of.

However, there is one that I have been holding onto ever since I was in school. "Insatiable satisfaction." I am not sure where I got it but still, it means a lot, I think. I pretty much have been holding onto this one since years, and yes, safe to say that it helps me a lot. Especially about no giving up so easy and how we shouldn't stop only at one point. As normal human, all of us do realise that greed is among the one which has been all along since the early human civilisation which helped people to keep on and on do stuffs. Pardon me for my bad grammar.

I guess that's all. Not really sure if that answers the question. But still, there's no right or wrong in here. Okay, so, get ready for something depressing tomorrow.

two

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Tue, 26 Jul 2016 15:39:00 +0000

OK. Day 2. I have been brainstorming about this question since last night. Late night, because I was playing The Sims 4 before that. I just moved the family into bigger house lot so I can manage them in much easier fashion as I no longer have to keep on changing from level 1 to level 2, vice versa, so many times. Okay, back in the topic. So far I only managed to have 17. It is hard when I only have myself to refer to about myself. If I asked my friends then I am pretty sure they will only talk about the bad side instead of the other one. Anyway, this post is all about me, and no, I don't want to talk something general like how I am in love with food, sleep, selfie and how I hate this stuff or that stuff, I want this to be as unique as it could, so it is going to be long. Well, could be one of the longest posts in here. Buckle up.

Day 2 - 20 facts about you

1 - I am a proud INTJ

I'm going to start with a one very ironic sentence: everybody likes to be unique, so am I. First is a little explanation of this. INTJ is one of the 16 personality traits coined out by Myers Briggs. This trait is like one of the rarest and most advanced and "strategically capable personality type," according to 16personalities. Although that sometimes I can be classed as an INTP, or INFJ, but so far, after about 3 times, or 4 of answering the test, I still get INTJ as my result. Sure that my percentage is quite low on this I (introversion) - 6%, N (intuition) - 14%, T (thinking) - 10%, J (judging) - 6%, but still, sometimes even myself is also get confused by my personality type. Being this type, you will observe below some of the hard truth and facts about me which I am pretty much struggling/enjoying in my daily life.

2 - I am an ambivert

Most of people these days are struggling to call themselves nerds or geeks or an introvert because of course, being one of them is cool. I have done lots, a lot of personality tests to see whether I am an extrovert or an introvert. I am both. It is like, I am an extrovert, but not too strong, and also not too strong in the introvert department. I like to talk to people, some people, loudly, I can go to parties, events which have a lot of people, which sometimes I avoid, I like small talks, but at the same time, I'd like to be alone too, I need to be in my room, alone, to recharge myself after meeting a lot of people and do things that introvert usually do, except I am not an avid reader, or some sort of lonesome person. Introverts aren't lonesome, but they are too unique to be around people. Their heads are fills thoughts which makes them tend to be inside their own world. But starting last year I started reading some novels and I even started purchasing novels with my book voucher. Some people call this an "outgoing introvert" or any other names but I am pretty sure they are just talking about ambivert.

3 - I tend to judge people

A lot. I judge people a lot. Too much. Some of my friends usually call me robot face, heartless heart, dead inside, empty corpse. But inside my head, I think too much, especially in calling people out inside my head. Well, I used to try my best to stop judging people by their first impression shown to me. If some people believe on love on the first sight, I believe in what people these days called as annoying on the first sight. Whether I judge a person by their looks (of course I am that sinful), or judge a person by their behaviour. I do this secretly, of course, or I just abruptly shockingly share such thoughts with my friends - and of course they hate me for that. I am just another imperfect person, aren't I. If people keep telling me to stop judging a book by it's cover, then forgive me, for I have sinned on this one.

4 - I tend to say harsh truth

Why I include the word 'harsh' instead of just go to truth? Because it is necessary in here. People should tell truth. There, I say it. Somebody should tell people that truth is something necessary unless it is to protect the person from any harm. This is not just a case of hiding the ugly truth and expose the beautiful lies. No. Well, I hate myself in this too. But if it needs to be said, then it needs to be said. Especially if it will bring some improvement to one self. The downside, people that don't know me will say that I am mean person. I get that a lot. People who do, they will get closer to me. I like it when people ask my opinion on stuffs, just because for them, I am reliable enough to tell them what they need to hear, instead of what they want to hear. I am not trying to be unique or different in here, I mean, this is what I heard from other people about me, anyway.

5 - I overanalyse stuffs

Wonder why I said earlier that this post is going to be long? Or maybe, super long? Because I like to see pretty things. Why do I like to see pretty things? So that I won't be judged by other people or at least me, in some any negative way. If people say that we can't control what people think and talk about us? What if I choose to believe that nobody is perfect and yes, we can control what people think and talk. Google about that.

So that it is, I overanalyse stuffs. I think about things repeatedly. That's what have been going through in my mind since yesterday's evening after I found out that I should be writing about facts about me as today's challenge. I usually end my inner war or my baffling thoughts about stuffs by googling things up so that I can just rest myself for the day. Unless there's some judging happens, so yes, stuffs like that happens to people in case you are wondering about it. And actually, this is some sort of INTJ stuffs, accoding to intjvision, "INTJs also believe that they can understand their own personality better than others. It‘s in INTJ nature to deeply analyze their inner world. Most people can‘t look at themselves from 3rd person perspective and analyze their actions or thoughts." I am not really such a developed INTJ, anyway. I am not that organised, or at least not yet, I do wish that I can be such developed, advanced, mastermind INTJ, so I can deal with people, and myself, mostly, in much better fashion.

6 - I am scared of my own potential
It's true. I haven't thought that I am going to be this far back then 10 years ago. Well, perseverance, and other qualities which I thought I never have have driven me to be in this position. Of course there are some flaws too but at least, hey, here I am. I always thought that I am going to end up in much lower position than this. Not to say that I am at the high position or anything like that, but still, thinking about it, makes me scared of my own potential, and what kind of person can I become. A bit of disclaimer, I am not trying to be a very down to earth person in here or wanting people to tell me about how I should sell myself higher or anything, it is just that, this is what have I been thinking. And I am quite sure that there are a lot of people dealing with this same thought too.

7 - I am competitive
I don't like the stress when competing with other people, or at least competing with myself when I am trying to get out of bed in the morning and do the stuffs in my invisible to do list. But I like the feeling of winning stuffs, get some recognition and being praised for it. Some things that aren't even up to the stage where it is necessary or needed to compete of, well still, I am still competing for it. The downside, I always make sure that I am aware of other people's status or rank of the particular stuff I am trying to be competing into. And when I'm losing, that is when my spirit is a bit crushed and I start to fix myself, and be like number 6.

8 - I love cats
Cats. One of the most majestic creatures ever created. They are cute, mindless, funny, weird, evil-looking, feline. There's more description about them, anyway. This is like going to be the shortest paragraph in here because I just want to say that cats are love. And I love them. I am trying my best to list some facts about me, and I am also trying all I can to be as unique and as specific as I can be in this post, but still, cats are too important enough not be left out. Cats are life.

9 - I have countless of failed plans
Now it is time a be a bit sad. Failed plans. I used to score so bad in my test which made me to sit, lean back against the wall and just stare into the abyss. The abyss of my failures. The nights where I just stared into the ceiling, thinking about the past and the future are almost, countless. It is like, I should go to a cemetery, set down a tombstone and write down "here lies the failed dreams, plans and my hopes," just like it is done to Squidword. Plus that soon, I will finish my undergrad study in this coming March, and so far, I am now in the early phase of quarterlife crisis, and I am just waiting for the real showdown by the time I am out of my college's main gate. The part of how to get into the second part of the crisis is what I am dealing right now. I am grateful that both my brothers are now latter phases. My eldest is 31 with 2 girls and the second one is 29 and expecting in early 2017 anyway. Safe to say, they have their lives figured out by 30. Me? I am now at that part where everybody generally feels bitter about themselves. Will talk about this again soon, anyway.

10 - I am a person with safety nets
I hate that feeling of helplessly falling down, whether this is metaphorically falling down, or literally. This leads to why I keep on overanalysing stuffs and stop relying so much on others when it comes to making decisions, especially the big ones. Like this one I am dealing now, or at least 2 weeks ago regarding my accommodation for the next six months starting this September for my internship. I will be interning at UUM but somehow starting this semester there will be no more accommodation provided by the university, means that we, the internship students, will have to look for outside accommodation. So we are still trying to rent a room inside the campus, so while waiting for whether we are going to get a room which will be known by September, maybe, we also will rent a house or room outside the campus. So now, we have both. It takes a lot of work and stuffs to be worried about. But still, this shows how far I am willing to go for safety.

11 - I get bored easily
I am not sure if get bored and get tired of are the same thing. But what's for sure, I get bored so easy. Like, very easy. Let's say, a game. For example, Clash of Clan. I used to play this game on my brother's iPad on his account. I was like "okay this game is good I'm going to play this for like months or at least weeks. This game is addictive and I can't stand the idea of not keep checking it from every now and then as every single thing about it is important." And that's it, a week after, I stopped playing it. The same goes with The Sims. I just started playing again last night, because I played it like a week during last Ramadhan, also only lasted for one week. I played it since morning, till late evening, then at night. Like almost the whole day. I thought I will keep on playing this game for maybe months but no, 7 days and that's it. I even joked with myself that I was only going to play this game for 7 days but then I lived in denial. Same goes with movies and tv series. I only watch once. No matter how good the movie is, once, and enough. That's it. No more. I delete it to save space for more movies. Unless for Interstellar because number 1, the movie is good, since I really like outer space movies, number 2, because the first time I watched it, the resolution was so bad and recently I rewatched it because of better film quality, well I watched it on HBO so no big deal, number 3 because I need additional watching due to it is hard to comprehend on the first watch. Plus it was accidental. It was like another ordinary evening, and it was there, so that is why.

12 - I like to improvise myself
This is why I am writing again. I want to improve myself. I dig life pro tips. I dig ways to increase my productivity. I keep on checking what apps to download in order to help me ease my life. I believe that there is no limit in becoming the best person on earth with high productivity rate. I even downloaded multiple apps on my iPhone just to make sure I keep reading more and more articles. Some of them are Pocket, God I love this app. This app is like among the first app I download since the first time I got in my hand a smartphone. Secondly is Flipboard. Good interface, easy to use. It is better to flip this app rather than flipping the old physical newspaper. Blergh. Who reads newspaper anymore God it's 2016. Wake up. Anymore, I used to use this app for reading top news. But, for personalised articles, I really, really loved Prismatic. Too bad that it's no longer available nowadays. I used to Prismatic even before it had its own iOS app. I am not sure about Android. But I used to read a lot of articles I like on Safari on an iPad. Anyway, Flipboard also good to be read on an iPad. So, read an article, keep yourself informed. Maybe not with new and latest stuffs, but at least I can learn more about stuffs I like.

13 - I like to keep track of things
I almost install a keylogger for my laptop, because I want to keep track and see what have I typed on the keyboard of this laptop. I like to see things, especially keeping a track and record of them. I have been using Moves app since 2013. It tracks my steps, my calorie, my distance of walking, and places I went throughout the day. I mean, the first time I found this app is when I first using my first smartphone, Alcatel. The source to collect the data was very, very limited but still, the work was done gracefully. I just love this app. Even now, I am still using it. I almost purchase a Xiaomi wrist band because I want to see my heart beat rate and I want my sleep to be tracked. But then, the biggest turn off is that I am not, really not active in sports so it is quite irrelevant for me to buy, and use this gadget. Last time I checked the price was very cheap, like only 60 ringgit in Lazada. But, yea. I even use Do Button from IFTTT to track places I go, but still it can only be done manually. I also used this app to track time, and stuffs like that. So yes, I like to keep track of things. I like to be informed.

14 - I am in love/hate relationship with Triple M
First, let me explain what is Triple M. Triple M refers to Midnight Mental Meltdown. I just recently had this like a few nights ago. Triple M happens when I watched a really mind-crushing movie with high level of concentration of feelings till after the end of the movie, I will have to spare a few minutes staring into the monitor or tv, or ceiling, just to release myself from such mind-twisted movie I just watched. This is not only for some movies with very good plot twisting, but also if the movie ends with a really sad ending, or too happy. This is when I will ponder a lot of things, with multiple thoughts start to play inside my head, all and all. The situation ends when I fall asleep and I may still feel the effect of last night's Triple M on the day after.

15 - Actually wanted to major in psychology, or at least in any field in social science.
But now I ended up in Computer Science. Not really computer science, only in IT. That's like a pinch of computer science. But still it is so far from what I targeted which is psychology. After STPM, I tend to stay at home and read articles about humans. Anything about human. I like to read about human behaviour and stuffs like that, and also how our brain works, how to shift our mindset from one state to another, about our sleep pattern, about the way we talk and the way we walk, the way we sleep and how all these things work with one another to influence other stuffs. I mean, it is amazing to learn about ourselves. But then, my dad weren't agree with me pursuing my study in psychology, which somehow I end up in IT. Well, everything has its own silver lining. And I am still waiting from this one.

16 - I am not a really good driver
Safe to say I am not really excel in driving. Whether it's a bike or car, still, have no idea why. I think it is because I am a pretty careless person. And I am not really skillful person on this area. But I learn to ease things up by listening to radio and sing along to some familiar songs. I like to drive in a very relaxing situation. I try to ease the tensions by having fun in the car and befriend the nervousness. Still, not that I am so nervous, it is just that people are predictable during driving. Some drives too fast, some too slow, some too weird, while some makes me just this much before I make a petition to ban the person from driving on the road and stop breeding and polluting the earth with their descendants. God I hate those kind of people.

17 - Quite a perfectionist
I think that I already discussed this one above, but not in a very detailed manner. Safe to say that I am a perfectionist. I do stuffs carefully as I want the input to be beautiful. Everything has to be the same. The size, the length, because I believe that the first impression is important, so things have to be beautiful. My assignments, reports, word-related stuffs should be checked first before submission. I have to proof read for misspellings, then the grammar, then the usage of vocabulary, and then the sizes, indent, alignment, margins of the fonts and paragraphs. Most people don't do this. This is why I mostly refuse to trust most people in handling the final phase of the work. Same goes in cooking. Not really cooking, but in serving the food. I will make sure that the plate is clean and big enough for the food. I will use the most suitable spoon and fork and other cutlery in handling those food. Because food is important and food is life. Most people don't hold this principle like I do, because most people don't matter. That's why.

18 - I was a fat kid
Not to say that my body right now is very, very in a good shape but at least it is not as how it used to be back when I was in my early teenage phase. I used to be so fat that my weight even reached 80+ kilogram while my height was only 160+ cm. Seriously. But somehow, puberty happened, I guess. Starting 16, my body somehow got taller. When I was 17, my height was 171 cm. My weight at the time was 68 kg if I'm not mistaken. This situation continued until I was 21, my height was still 171 cm, but my weight was like 58 kg. I was quite skinny. But then, due to unhealthy eating habit and excessive eating, of course, I am now 73 kg. Not anymore skinny, but not anymore as big as I was in secondary school. I started to expand when I was 11 where I had my breakfast for almost everyday, nasi lemak and fried chicken. God it tasted so good back then.

19 - I am a pretty detailed and precise in making decision
Or how to say it? Well, it is like, when I have two or more options, I will start to think deeper. This is some sort of usual way in making decision. First, I will ask my first impression, which one of these options weighs more. I don't always trust my intuition, but still, first impression is important. Then, I will go for lists of pros and cons. Usually I will start with cons as from there, I will have brighter insights from the options I opt to choose. Then I will go with pros. Which one is more and which one is less. After that I will focus on, guess what, overthinking. Or overanalysing. I will recalculate stuffs and see which one is better and which one is not. I will conduct some research whether it is by google or ask from people who may or may not know about it. Sometimes these ways can actually help pushing us to the right choice. And actually, there still many other ways which happen secretly in our heads which can bring us to clearer state of conscious, thus finally, we will choose the right decision.

20! - This has been lasted for a few hours now. The last fact, I am going to talk about the type of movies that I like
Let's say, genres. Of course, comedy. With a bit of romance, maybe. Mix of the two, it will be romcoms, and I like romcoms too. Action, not really. But lately, I found out that I am also liking the other genres too, like thriller, and psychology-themed movie. Or maybe alien-invades-earth theme like Oblivion, or any other alien related like District 9. Or some weird, mind twisting time travelling movie like Predestination. And also some other more movies which I can't really remember their titles, since I deleted the movies I watched from my storage. TV series, of course I watch HIMYM, Friends, Suburgatory, Cougar Town, Teen Wolf, Scream. Soon I think I'll be watching Netflix's latest, Stranger Things. But as for now, I am pretty much hooked into HBO's latest, The Night Of. The suspense is real.

So I guess that is it. It is raining outside and I should be heading back. Thank god tomorrow's question is just okay. But I do feel satisfied with today's post. It has been a while since I am not writing this long. Forgive me for any grammatical errors and/or weird sentence structure. I do not proof read this one.

one

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 10:17:00 +0000

It looks like that the question is too long to be put as the title of this post, so instead of that, I will just put the question number. Or maybe the number of day of the challenge. So today, as for starter, let's talk about this blog's name.

Day 1 - Your blog's name

Okay. My blog's name. My blog's name is literally my own name. It has been this way since 2010 if I am not wrong. I started blogging in 2007 where the name used to be 'meontheair' which is quite long. So, Me On The Air was quite active back in the day for maybe a year or two. Initially I planned to name my blog as simple as 'My Life' and not as corny as Me On The Air. But my sister somehow got the title first so I want to make a little difference than hers so that's it.

A few years after that after, after a quite long of hiatus then I migrated this site from my old Google account to a newer one which makes it much easier for me to write. If I'm not wrong then it was on that time when I changed the name to my name, Hazari Zulkefli. I actually have 4 names, first name is of course Muhammad and my middle name is for usual, real life acquaintance and my third name is Hazari and surname, or in my case is my father's name which is Zulkefli. Safe to say that Hazari is my pen name, or my Internet name. Just last night that I thought of using a different and new name as my pen name but still, it is too complicated to think of, unnecessary and Hazari seems fine to me, although that almost every my online activity can be viewed just by searching for Hazari Zulkefli. Well I do that. I mean everybody does too, right. Who doesn't google their own name? Seriously.

So, maybe I will change this blog's name? Maybe no. I am pretty much out of ideas, anyway. I like the idea of keep changing the blog's description, or maybe a mission, or a slogan which can be seen at the very top of this page. I am still not ready or maybe won't even be ready to put my name at the top of the page. That's like putting my selfie as the lockscreen and/or home screen wallpaper. That's the way I see it, anyway. Maybe from time to time, especially on some big occasion like new year's, or maybe my birthday, or maybe when I just feel like it, then the slogan of this blog will be changed.

In a nutshell, I am not creative enough to generate some good name for my blog, instead of that I just insert my name. It is still a good name, though. So, day one, complete.

challenge

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Sun, 24 Jul 2016 14:23:00 +0000

Hi. Just a short and quick update. InsyaAllah I will start the challenge by tomorrow, July 25th. I have found the challenge on Pinterest, pinned from blogher.com. The questions are rather cheesy, actually. But for starters, yea, it won't I think. I'd rather start with something funny and relaxing, which can be considered as easy, which is good.

I'll be finishing this challenge in 30 days time. But since my family will be having a raya ceremony together with tahlil this coming Friday, plus all 3 of us are scheduled to visit both of our brothers in Selangor for a couple of days next weekend, I may be taking a few day off. Or maybe I will just write some while I have free time. But still, flexibity is key.

I am actually writing this post while lying on the couch on Notes app while waiting for Blogo app to finish download, since starting a few months ago, somehow the official Blogger apo for iOS has been taken down. I thought there would be a revamp, at least to its official iOS app, but it turns out to be the other way round. Like seriously, Google?

So, long story short, I am now looking forward to start off this challenge and I hope, really really hope that this kind of feeling and motivation stays until the end of this challenge, and by that time, I can start making blogging as one of my habits again, so that I can keep on writing, and writing. If things go as planned, I hope to start working on something for Thought Catalog by the end of this year. And as for idea, yes, I do need a lot of ideas and countless times of brainstorming while weighing all the pros and cons relating to it. However, it's still a longshot. But still, like I said earlier, it is good to have a goal, again.

And regarding the question, I will post the question when I write about it. I will post all of the questions by the end of this challenge. So yeah, good night, and all the best for me.

Anyway this is my Pinterest.

writer

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Sun, 24 Jul 2016 07:48:00 +0000

I have always been want to be a writer. Well at least pretty much most of the time. I have been having such thought since I guess this is one of the things that I am pretty good in. So a few days ago, I somehow started to think of some ways to restart writing again, as I always do which I ended up burying the thought in a deep hole of laziness under the wall of boredom, together with the layer of procrastination and other stuffs that hold the thoughts down.

So I started to come up with this challenge, 30-day blogging challenge which I stumbled upon like a few years ago where people will be given 30 different topics to blog about for 30 days. Mostly people do so for traffic, businesses which finally can generate income. That stage is like so high for me to reach, well at least as for now. But, for me, I want to cultivate my motivation. To motivate me to keep on writing until one day I can call myself a writer. Maybe I really want to be a writer. Maybe deep down it is my writing spirit which guides me all this time. Maybe I am going pretty too far right now.

I am currently googling some good challenges for me to start, but so far I only could find some business-oriented challenge which requires account registration and email subscription. Maybe I should just go for some good writing prompts on Reddit (r/WritingPrompts/) or just look for some challenges in Pinterest. But still I hope that I could remain my motivation till the very end. It is truly terrifying seeing all my plans and dreams fade away just like that, together with my motivation and hopes, just as what happened a few months back where I want to start writing again for at least once a week but yea the result can be seen clearly on the main page of this blog.

And finally, I want to start submitting my own articles to Thought Catalog. It feels so good to have a goal, anyway.

Regarding profit, still a (very) long way to go, but still it is a one good goal to hold on to. And as for now, I can just do this as my hobby instead of jumping straight to something called a career. Talk about career, working life, being an adult in general, I am starting to get so nervous about my career, anyway. Or my future, in general. My internship starts this September until the end of February next year. March? Well, I have to say that this is the first time in my life that so far until now I am totally, completely have no idea of what am I going to do, or who am I going to be. In short, I am scared. But still, hopeful.

survive

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Tue, 19 Apr 2016 16:35:00 +0000

Guess that the title is just a bit much, isn't it? It is my birthday today. I am now 23 years old. Am I happy? Yes. I am grateful? Yes. I am still a silly old person like I always do? Yes. How am I now, am I okay or anything else? I'd rather say okay, and still anything else. Everything is a bit in a chaos now. But still, they are okay so far now. It's 2016, I am in my twenties, so where can I go and hide from all these things? Nowhere. But this year's birthday has shown me something. It tells me how far can I go, how strong I am in dealing, juggling with things at times. This is the second year where I don't get my late night wish from my sis and do I miss that so much? Of course I am. Can I still have myself sober? Well, I am pretty much still waiting to get my birthday wish from my sis but still, I should just get over it and move on, I guess. Mature up. This is not about forgetting her. This is about trying to stand up by myself, without losing her in my head. It is just that lately I think I have forgot the way her voice sounds and it terrifies me a lot, I mean, how much more about her can be in my mind. Am I scared of losing her? Yes. Physically, she's gone now. But I know that in some ways, we are still connected. And we always be. I want to survive. Survive more years ahead of me with her in my mind.

Well, it is just that I had been pretty much struggling for some sort of gifts. Some 'self-reward' thing. I am a very tight budget, actually. Thought of upgrading my iPhone. I have stopped longing for an iPod now since I bought myself a Sony Walkman last few weeks. It is just that I am scared if my current iPhone is going to stop functioning since it seems to be in a pretty bad state now. It's like, 2011 engine running a 2016 technology. It may seems selfish to me to have been wanting to upgrade my iPhone to a newer one since my current one is still working. But it annoys me sometimes with the lags and everything. I do love it, and I still want it to be usable. It's a beauty, anyway, and I love it very much. I even went to Zalora and every site I know to search for some things to be bought as a gift since I want to distract myself and all those sad birthday stuff. I even asked for Linda's help in this since she's like some sort of fashion guru among us, so she knows some places to shop or to just go and have a monitor shopping. But do I still go to Mudah.my to look for secondhand iPhones being sold at low prices? Yes I do.

So, what should I do now? I am not sure. Move on, I guess. Things changed. I'll be graduating soon. Well, I am leaving Kedah in 2 months, actually. Going to start my internship this coming September, in Cyberjaya, and not intended to stay with my brother. Both of them actually. I am just not feeling like it. I want to be close with them, but not to the stage where I want to live with them. My friends keep telling me that I am lucky and I have a lot of options to be chosen from. I am financially stable, have a happy family and have nothing to be worried about, in general. Well I am not sure about that. I am lucky, maybe. A lot options, I do agree with that. financially stable, could be so. Happy family, could be so. Nothing to be worried about, in general, well this is what I am worried about. It is not about worrying the big patches or those big financial-and-family-etc issues it is those I think I am overlooked. There is a hole that I missed. A hole of all troubles that I am not even sure where to look from and what to look for. I am worried. So am I now living in a constant state of being worry all the time? Yes I do.

Enough with that. I have 8.30 am class tomorrow to catch up on. Happy birthday to me, again. All the best.

frustration

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 16:50:00 +0000

It's too hazy, these days. It's just, everything seems to be so, blur. Too much colours going on, too much darkness, on the same time. A few hours ago I had countless, countless of things to write about but I just kept them in my head so that I don't make some regrettable posts in here. It's also too weird for me to see myself writing again, after all of the things that happened, after I convinced myself to stop writing as I seem unable to control myself where I just abruptly said everything until it seems that I showed all of my scars, my own imperfectness, my weaknesses and all those negative things about me. I hate it when my weaknesses show themselves. Maybe tonight I seemed to have to lost control, or I just want to say it out loud of how things work, or I just want to write for the sake of me, writing, my blog.

First and foremost let's welcome my new niece. Her name could be Sumayyah or Sumaiyah where her older sister is Sarra Hannah, but still I don't think that they've met each other. Or at least introduced themselves to each other. Still, welcome, and may you lead a happy, happy life in this happy, sometimes-dysfunctional family. Everything is going to be fine, it's real life.

Secondly, what have my blog missed about me. I am now in my final semester and if everything goes as planned, I will be in Cyberjaya this September for my six-month internship. Am I excited? Yes I am. Am I sad about leaving this place? Yes, I do. Do those feelings mixed, together with other feelings like those feelings where I don't even know their names but still they are making a strong remark in my chest? Yes, they certainly are. Do I hate that? Yes, as I still don't even know my own feelings and to react on them which leads me to be left behind on certain parts of my life, well yes I do. Am I happy about everything right now? Safe to say that I am grateful enough and still wishing to live for another day. Am I still craving for the latest iPhone? Yes. Should I stop making this question? Yes.

That paragraph actually helps me. I mean, I just looked up and felt a bit of, relief. Have no idea why but I feel better now. Maybe I should just let everything slips out of my mind, which can be done with telling people of how I feel or just, write them down in here. The second choice sounds better. Maybe I should learn to open up to people. I can't always jot things down when things don't go right. I don't think I should do that. I mean, that sounds unhealthy. But come to think of it, that statement just made this whole blogging thing sounds unhealthy. Guess that kind of belief is the reason why I chose not to blog for the past few months. It's like a short, vicious cycle.

I mean, I don't know. I don't even know what I know, and I don't even know of what I don't know. Too many things to think about. I'll be 23 in less than a month. And mum starts to talk about me getting married and start a family. I can't even process. My mind goes undefined everytime she mentions about this.

....

Anyway, I want to stop thinking about it. Well at least for now. Anyway I just set up an Instagram account couples of months ago so feel free to check it. @hazarii_. So I have an 8.30am class tomorrow guess I'll be sleeping in an hour because my phone is now at 86% charged. So, good night.

family

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Fri, 22 May 2015 13:47:00 +0000

First off, let me start this post by saying that, again, and always will, I am missing my sister.

Second thing is, I am currently not really in a good term with my family. Not really "not really in a good" term, it is just that I don't feel quite comfortable with me. People say that people in their early twenties or at least twenties are starting to appreciate and love their families even more. Guess that I had such positivity in the last few months but now I am just not sure of how I am feeling. It is not that I don't love them, that'd be too unreal. It is just that I am starting to feel less and lesser connection between us. Not sure why I am being such a straight forward in this post, maybe it has come to my time where I just want to admit that there's just something off between me and them. It is not like there will be people that know me that will be reading this, anyway.

I mean, I don't know. These few days I just chose to avoid myself from conversing with them. Maybe it is because I was quite busy and pretty packed with things to be done but usually I just managed to get myself sorted and having a not really perfect but not too bad work-life balance, and call them twice a day. I do admit that sometimes I felt like a bit of busy and those sort of things but it is something that has to be done. And I am trying best to play my part on this one. Well, my parents are now the biggest part of the family section in my life right now. I mean, my oldest brother and I do have a bit of talking time on the phone from time to time and little messages via Whatsapp and sometimes on iMessage. My second brother, well, haven't really heard from him for some times. Sometimes I am starting to feel so sure that this is how things are going to be between him and me. He hasn't really been my favourite person for these lots of years in my life already. Anyway, regarding my oldest brother, he'll somehow have to spend most of his lifetime with his family plus with Sarra is going to be one year old in less than a month. Pretty sure they will be expecting some new family members in the corner and my parents surely will be happy about that and so all of our relatives. And my parents will surely be busy with themselves just like always. And me, planning to move out less than 2 years time and leaving Kedah by next year. Guess that's how things are ought to be. Thought that I'd be spending most of my time with my sis in the next few years at least but no, things just don't reside with us this time. I do realise that I should just turn myself, stop looking behind and move on. Things just don't get easy with this one, I have to say it.

I mean, yea, sooner or later, this is how it will turn out to be. Right now I am probably wailing about how sad my whole family life is going on and next thing I know, I am all alone. Pretty much the same as it is how by now plus with my own disability in fixing bad relationships. I've letted people down. My last conversation with my sister ended up with me mad at her for refusing to talk to me and I thought of coming home 2 weeks after just to talk out loud to her about what she'd been bugging me with but no, I got home less than 48 hours after that after 2 flights and almost 12-hour long transit in KL just to find myself talking next to her final resting place saying how lucky she is that she's been chosen to just leave things like that and how it is utterly totally forgiven to do so and I personally, envy her. I learned that one of most saddest thing you can have is to envy someone that's no longer breathing and yea, I was at that point and sometimes I do still, at such point.

These last few posts have been all about me telling how things are pretty much screwed up, either by me or things just fall into places just like that. I am sorry for any readers (let's say if I do have any) for these negativities. Maybe you'd like to go too and stand by the sideline and see how things will eventually flush down for the better. Guess that's one my best line of defence; keep hoping that things will finally get better. Hoping, and praying. That's how the cycle is just going to keep on circling.

braces

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Fri, 15 May 2015 15:02:00 +0000

I am so looking forward more than I ever did for this upcoming 2017 (insyaAllah) graduation ceremony. I am now one of those people in braces! And it is due to complete in around 2 years of time. Take a deep breath and wish that this is the fastest 2 years I am going to spend.

I've been planning for this for years, actually. But since I decided not to have it when I was 13, and my parents was so disappointed in me for being a coward and just ditch the whole procedure where everything was "perfectly" planned and have everything in line. Up until now, I am not still so sure whether they do still feel the same about me or not. I am not sure. But the first day I had this thing on, my dad told me again that it was a loss for me for not able to just hold on for a sec and continue the process a few years ago, and I wouldn't have to pay a thousand buck and deal with the pain right now. I don't know. I don't know what should I do and feel. The pain in clearly real and I think and I hope the result is worth the amount I paid. Well, for the record, the payment was made entirely on me. It is according to what I had planned all the time. Yes, I made a mistake years ago, and I am trying to at least (perhaps not completely) fix what my 13-year old me have done. Whatever, enough with this whole remorse.

So, focusing on the present time. Today is May 15th and today is my 4th day. I only had nasi air for today and for yesterday, only sizzling rice. Both have a lot of gravy and that really helped me in chewing them. But still I am pretty much craving for something more. I am currently thinking of having nasi kandar on tomorrow noon at Yasmeen. I am in the mood for something worth my pain. God I can feel the starve in my tummy by the time I am writing this down. Okay, so, still, regarding braces, I was also expected to lose some weights and perhaps some of my fats especially in my cheeks and stomach and pretty much everywhere in me, but still I am looking for such moment to be real and I am starting to feel that the result this early-phase of getting used to braces is just vary to everybody. Well at least Umirul and Sohimah managed to get me some positive insights other than plain pain said by them. But still they are correct regarding the pain and still thank God for the painkillers I had on the morning before I went to the dentist.

What is for sure, overall, this is not just a phase or anything like it. This is a stage and things are changing, for the better, and for permanent. It saddened me a bit on the night before I had my teeth being chained in the morning, for approximately 2 years. So, yes, I changed my default photo of my Facebook profile. Knowing that things won't be the same anymore for my face, it is in my opinion indeed a sentimental thing to be done. I don't know. It is rather hard for me to accept some changes but this is something I should do. Lately, these 3-4 years I started to feel pain on my upper front right tooth. And I even started to realise of how badly crooked the structure my teeth are. So then I started to make plans and have myself mentally ready to tell both my parents that my teeth need to be fixed. Frankly speaking, I am both excited to see the result and terrified, on the same time. I am wondering of how far my self-esteem can go from this. And I am of course scared on how far will I go with this.

I don't know. But I am quite sure I will be enjoying this whole new level of awkwardness I am going to have in this 2-year long of, I don't know.

answer

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Sat, 02 May 2015 17:31:00 +0000

How does it feel when all you do is to find for some answers. Answers that you don't even know to what question. And there is as if this one hole at your chest and it is all empty, dark and a bit gravitational as it could pull everything inside yourself but you just can't feel a thing.

I don't know. I am just procrastinating right now. I have a few assignments to be done by this week and here I am, doing nothing, not productively living my Satuday. For the whole day, of course. I woke up at noon and brushed my teeh at 2.30pm, and have my breakfast at 5.15pm. How is that even possible to do things productively. And yes at 8pm just now I just had my beef cheeseburger. So, I guess we're pretty much done in here right. Well, there is really nothing much I can do about today. I just sat in front of my laptop and here I am making another blog post. 2 posts in less than 26 hours sound seems like a big improvement right. Anyway, I managed to finish an essay today. So, there's only left 2 more essays to be written. I am just not so good in essays and I thought that being an IT student would put me off from writing essays but hey here I am, crafting up some literatures at best. I am seriously should be doing something right now if I want what have I been imagined inside my head for these few days to be true.

I don't know. Sometimes I just lost into my head and have some random thoughts pop-up just like that and I can stay like that for minutes. Or maybe I can even just listen to earphone and left to stray in my own thoughts for like, minutes. It's already been 1.29am by now and I guess it is time for me to go to bed earlier tonight. I am thinking of getting up early tomorrow as maybe new day, new spirit, new everything. I am sick of today, actually. Anyway, new header up there. Quite simple. Thought of putting that as my cover photo for my Facebook but then, maybe not that one. So, night.

void

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Fri, 01 May 2015 15:14:00 +0000

So what do you think void means are? It says, total empty, completely empty, or something like that. I just have no idea on where to begin.

Maybe this is how adulthood feels. How it feels to be financially-ill, when your best friend leaves you for some unknown girl, when you just have many things to be done just to keep your carrymark high so that it will help you a lot in your finals just in case something will go wrong - something, definitely always have the odds of going wrong, when you and your own parents just lost what it feels like to talk interestingly and how to keep the conversations alive, when your parents are feeling insecure with your own brother's decision about his own family and you feel like you have nobody in your family that can ever be your bestfriend anymore and to share your secrets because nobody in your family will ever understand you, when you just for no reason mad at at the person that keeps at listening at your problem for no apparent reason and you're just feeling that funny ego thing and you just don't want to contact her and she's been apologizing for acting stupid and have a little joke on you for like a few hours and you totally have no idea on what to respond because you are afraid of losing to yourself and all those stupid things you are clinging onto, because you just have nobody and no directions to go.

I just don't get why things go wrong. When I look back on what have I done, to me or to someone else, I keep on asking myself the same little cliche question of what have I done. And I don't want to go so far just by asking about what have I done that I deserved this. I don't want to question fate. I don't want to keep on holding myself from being indulged to keep on and keep on asking for it. Come to think of it this is the sole reason of why I keep on blogging. Maybe to give me some more time to think about it, or maybe just want to let me to think in a much detailed way about this whole screwed up thing.

So I just had a brief daily phone call with my parents. I don't know. Maybe we're just not anymore comfortable with talking on the phone like twice a day for everyday since I got back in here on last mid February. I don't know. People say that it is the quality that counts, not quantity. I thought of reducing the number of phone calls. I don't know. Again, I don't know. Maybe it is just me, but I don't know. I don't want them to feel so alone after we lost our sis on last December. They for sure need somebody to talk to, but maybe not anymore. Maybe they just need their own space and I do of course need my own space. I have to find my own time and fit everything into it just to find some minutes to call them. I don't want to sound selfish but I am not really mastering the art of time management and I am fairly losing at this by now. How does it feel and what does it do when you feel like you're being forced to give them 2 phone calls everyday and you have to think about them too, their own times and spaces of course. It is not that I don't want to call them anymore but sometimes maybe it is best to give us some space for a while. But I am quite scared to say it as I don't want them to feel like I don't want to talk to them anymore or anything like it. But I seriously need some space sometimes. I just really do. I am not the kind of person that will tell my parents everything about me.

Anyway I asked them regarding my phone. Yes I do sound a little selfish in here but yes I asked them again regarding my phone. Since I failed to get Dell Backpack for my last birthday so yeah I felt quite frustrated with myself and I almost agreed the deal of getting myself a new iPhone. Nothing much, really. My current iPhone is quite laggy and that's just it. I do have the money to do it but I just didn't. I just changed to this one like a definitely a year ago and I am not so sure if I am ready enough to have a new one again. It was just some talks when I was being deluded with my frustration issues and that was it. That's all. But, the major thing is, in here, I was so frustrated and angry, of course, when I asked both my parents regarding this and they told me that it was all on me whether I want to change it or not due to my financial and everything regading to it. But then a few days after that my dad told me again not to change it and he was definitely denying what he was telling me on the other day and I was like, "I am 22, I have enough money for it, not just enough, but more than it, I can think like an adult now, maybe not in all of things but in these kind of things, I am capable of it. I have my 30-year old brother to advice in these sort of things. You trusted me on the other day tonight you just revoked everything, you broke your promises like what you've done in my teenage years and that's it. I am disappointed in, this. For me, when you agreed to let me to make my own decision, even if in this just tiny little thing like upgrading my phone, it makes to think that you trusted me enough in making my own decision, but on that time when you told me that my decision regarding upgrading my phone is just plain wrong, I just totally can't accept it. I am done with my teenage years. I am so done with looking at other kids having things I want to have. I am done with all those sick little not-trusting-me issue that you have." Maybe that was a bit over the line but I was literally sick when I heard dad told me that. Because what I felt was true, was real, it shocked me when my parents told me that they trust me in making decision, but then again they just revoked it, just like that. Like it doesn't even bother them of how their 22-year old son would feel about that. It is not just about a mere smartphone I am talking about, it is about most of my life decision. About how I am being differentiated by my own parents with other people.

Maybe when you read this you'll think that I am such a one spoiled little rich kid that's not even understand or being grateful. Well then, thanks for reading and please make your way out of this site. I don't need your judgement or to provide you some justification in this. Thanks for reading and for your little needs to comment me in such way.

And yes I still have a long way of thinking to be done. I just turned 22 a few days ago and yet, still, is this what does it feel like to grow up. I am sick.

fever

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Sat, 25 Apr 2015 17:12:00 +0000

These few days I have been extra conscious about health. Not really extra, but I was pretty much bedridden for the whole evening on the last Saturday and it took me 2 days more after that to fully recover. Plus 2 days ago also I had done something dumb enough to put myself at risk to every single thing that is dangerous at earth and yes was i was out of my mind on that time? I guess I did. I surely did. Just to put me on the brink of empty thoughts but full of worries about everything regarding to it, with the mix of nothing but remorse and hope of not doing the same thing anymore after this.

These are a lot of people currently not in the best state of health too, including my dad. He's been in such condition since last Monday night and right now, Thursday morning. So yes it has been for a few days, actually. Weather nowadays is a bit unpredictful. Not really a bit, but generally, not really predictable, unlike last 2-3 weeks and before that. So far there have been like 2-3 times where my weather app told me that it was going to rain, but it did not. Funny thing is, it also told me that it was raining, on the same time as there was sunlight, blatantly shining though the earth with maybe around 30c of temperature on that time. Fikri and Izzah told me that it is only a weather app bit still, yes, they are correct that it is just a weather app, and its main function is to show us the forecasted weather. Again, forecast. It is just to forecast weather not more than that.

anyway right now is 1.12am, Sunday 26th of April. this post is obviously "at the middle of it" and pretty much left hanging by itself. have no idea why but I decided to just publish it.

twenty two

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Sat, 18 Apr 2015 21:49:00 +0000

I'm not really sure of what exactly should be written, especially at this point. I don't want to say that I'm forcing myself to write this whole letter thing, but yes, currently I'm not so sure of what to write. It is actually left less than an hour before the clock hits 12 o'clock and here we go again, new age, new year and new everything. Maybe not new eveything like how things have developed especially these past few weeks, whether they are planned, or may not even remotely thought to even be real.

It is actually impossible for me to summarise my whole 21 age experiences, thoughts, activities or maybe even to say what have I planned for my upcoming new age. I feel different, that's what for sure. Everything is just different and maybe this is the beginning of a new phase. A phase where everything gets mixed up or maybe some sides will even be ignored. This is the phase that in fact, so far I scared the most.

I talked to Fazlan regarding this, not again, but it seems that our conversations still don't come to end about a lot of things. He says that it is just something normal and it is something that I will finally get to overcome. Sounds pretty optimist of him, but at least if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, it is better to light up some fire while you're in the dark, and stay with it as long as it doesn't burn you down. Sound optimist, again.

Like always, I'm rather scared than excited about birthdays. Sure, good things do come, but it won't just be about them. People say to expect the worst, lower your hopes, and all the things will be fine no matter how bad they are. It is not just about some leap of courage and do something bad, real bad, and get some positive outcomes at the end of the day. That's just not how life works, maybe not for everybody, but in general, they just don't.

Anyway I just reached YAB like an hour ago and finished unpacking my stuffs. It is now 5.40 in the morning and I don't feel like sleeping. I still have the flu and it seems to get better now than yesterday. I also just finished responding to some iMessages, Whatsapp, WeChat and Twitter. Guess they are the best ways to contact me nowadays apart from just Twitter and emails like back in the days. So, yea, 7am is approaching fast, and I am now officially running out of idea of what to say anymore. Stop giving more words and held your heads high and that's it. In easier term, embrace them. Don't be scared of growing up old, be scared of growing up old and be unwise. Hm. So, happy birthday, and may 22 bless me and all of us for the rest of our lives. It may be one of the saddest and loneliest birthdays, but still, be optimist, at least that's what I said last night.

week

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Fri, 17 Apr 2015 16:39:00 +0000

It feels like that this week is the worst week I've ever had. I just seemed to have no idea of how things can just get lost in ways even though they have been properly planned. I have been pretty much disappointed but still, silly me, of course I have no idea or at least no one to put the blame on. Talk about how bad it is, however, there have been also a few positive things happened. Perhaps not too positive, but at least, compared to what "should" have happened and how they "turned" out to be, some news sounds much better right now.

So, I managed to at least know what my, safe to say, main problem and I googled it in the morning. And I found a few blogs and articles maybe with a little forums talking about this issue and yes, not surprisingly, I am not alone in this. It is like, when you thought you are at the lowest point of your life, or at least your day, there must be always someone that had it much worse than you. I'm not sure how, but the fact that it helps me a lot in my growing up process really is make me feel better. Not really good, but at least much better than how it was.

And it is Friday, by now. I will be going back to Kedah tomorrow night. I guess it is about time to put things to end. I've had a few short conversation with Fazlan yesterday, and it wasn't really helpful but on the same time it was quite meaningful, actually. I met him on Omegle in February last year, anyway. Somehow he has been my, not really a tutor or even a lifecoach, plus he's been good in getting on the nerves with such sarcasms and everything and I don't think both of us have some clear reasons of why we're still contacting each other. But still, it is quite worth to have him around and to talk about these things.

Guess that I'll be writing again in these few days for my letter soon. I feel like I should be writing Letter To Me again for this birthday. It has been a while and last time I read my previous letter, I totally almost have no idea what I said on the letter. Guess the letter is so deep and I was so good in playing with words and stuffs.

love

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 14:35:00 +0000

This post won't be some sort of misleading or something else, but, it is February, let's talk about love.

Love is in the air and everybody is either talking about this topic all the time, or on the other way round. Okay, let's just straight to the point, Valentine's Day is coming up in a few days, so what and where are you heading to?

As for me, I can't celebrate this. But I didn't say that I am going to do so. It is just this, this is the month where most of us will talk about this whole love stuff and everything regards to it. Plus I don't even have at least one person for me to celebrate this day with. However, personal opinion, it is good for us to talk about love, right. Where people will appreciate one another more than in any other months, talk nicely about and to each other, where people choose to express their feelings to another human being, and all that sweet, sticky stuffs. I mean, it is a lot better than hating between each other, living lives full of hatred and so on. Love conquers all, they say. And I think I am fully entitled to such opinion.

I am not asking anyone to celebrate this day. But, like another popular belief, why don't you just express your love everytime, regardless only doing it in a day of only a month in a year. Which is like 1 out of 365 days. That's actually, sad, actually. Really. No kidding. So, yes, why only choose one day, 24-hour, if you can do it for a whole one year. Maybe more than that. Some people managed to do it for their whole lifetime. Some are struggling to do so. While some just give up and give in for the special thing that's not everybody has, for something cheap like vanity and other self-centered traits.

It is true that I am a Muslim, and I shouldn't really be talking about this day and pretty much *encouraging* other people to do so. Forgive me but it is shallow of you to think so. Like, seriously, love is something so objective for people narrow minded to you, but not for other people that want to make it subjective and wide and broad in a lot of ways. I mean, is it wrong to love? It is only wrong when you somehow made mistakes as you take it on the wrong way and you may or may not going to regret it for your whole life. I am not sure why I'd rather to talk about this, instead of other things. It feels like that these days most of us are too exhaust or tired to show off their feelings and that needs to be fixed.

And, one thing for sure, of why I choose to talk about this, it is all about love, and indeed, love is about happiness. Family, parents, siblings, friends, couples, pets, society, everybody, all of us, need love. It is not just about celebrating the love with some specific group of persons, but I am taking this as a whole. Since this 14th is all about love, let's take it as the initial for us to rebuild the sense of love, or maybe respects, bonds, between humans. Of course, you'll be happier. And personally speaking, I will be happier too. To see people loving each other, respecting each other, there's nothing more humanity could ever be defined. No matter who you are, I know that you're agreeing with me on this one.

I just lost someone I loved. She's my sister. And I love her. We didn't really celebrate February 14th, but it pretty much excites me to have the day with her, because there'd be a lot of good movies on TV that we can watch together. Let it be romantic only, or romantic comedy, we seriously loved those genres and we can only have this moments during February and not on the other months. We loved to spend our times together, watching movies, and talk about it for a one whole day long. I am missing that moment. I seriously do. For you guys that still have someone to hold on to, cherish your moments. It is not something so easy to get, so hold on to it while it lasts. I've had my moments, and it'd be hard, or perhaps impossible for me to rebuild them.

biography

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Wed, 28 Jan 2015 14:08:00 +0000

So I will be writing the About section tonight. Maybe not going to finish by tonight but at least maybe, maybe in two days since I'll be going out tomorrow morning to get my jacket and pant from the tailor due to the zip fault and going to PKT to buy my Blackforest cake which I vented about it in Twitter. Now that's a long sentence of explanation.

Somehow things didn't go really well these 2-3 days. My phone needs to be restored back to its original state after I accidentally (read: eagerly) 'downgrading' it to iOS7 which is impossible to be done. Due to charging wire is a bit broken as it can't transfer data and only electircity for charging purpose, I have to buy a new one and I bought a 2-meter long wire, a brandless one for 25 ringgit and I'm still in the midst of doubting my decision of buying it as it only has 1 week of warranty. Which is initially no warranty at all but y'know I kept on asking about warranty and reducing the price from 29 ringgit to 25. So, after that, as I managed to bring it back to iOS8 as how it should be, I accidentally (again read that as eagerly) jailbroken it. I thought it'd be fun, battery life-saver and stuffs, but no fun, actually. Made a mistake, again. Once again I tried to bring it back, to unjailbreak it, but failed. I tried various ways and reached the same outcome. And finally, I came to this one conclusion which is, download the IPSW and restore it to it original, walled-garden state. And a few experiments done and I am now downloading it, the latest version of iOS, actually, somehow Apple just released the latest version of iOS, which is 8.1.3 so I am downloading it's IPSW now and by tomorrow I can restore my phone back to the circumstance of how it should be.

One problem almost solved. Another 2 just solved just now. Today this home's Internet connection was a bit of slow and I have no idea why. So I just restart the router and that's it, problem solved. Another one is my laptop that is I have no idea why too why it became quite slow starting last afternoon, so I just restarted it tonight and it is now back to be all fine again. Thank god.

See, things can be fine, because if it is not okay, then it is not the end. I forgot who said that but I started to feel like how makes sense it can be. I should start preparing myself too. I mean, new semester is coming up, my finals result is coming out, my DPP transfer application is coming out soon too and my birthday, yes, it is going to be February in a few days and, I should start packing things now and brace things in a new way. Things are changing and they are happening no matter we're ready for them or not. I'm getting older, and I really hope that I'll be much wiser than how I am right now. Because this is how life is going to be.

hide

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Sun, 25 Jan 2015 13:01:00 +0000

Can I just go and hide. Hide myself away. I don't feel like needed, in any other way. Or maybe I just don't want myself to be needed. But at least for a while, can I just go and hide myself away. For some reasons, I feel like I should be invisible. I don't want to be seen or be known of my whereabouts and let me just be on my own.

I feel empty.

I don't want some sort of sympathies or anything. It is just I feel quite tired and just want to lock myself away from people for a while. It makes me feel like a mistake for going out of bed in the morning. In college, I was just like, wishing I wouldn't meet anybody that knows me so that I don't have to greet people. At most of time, yes, I do feel like so. I wished that my glasses would be large and black so they people will notice that they shouldn't be greeting me. I'm not some sort of antisocial or something like it. But I feel like I need to be on my own. It is not that I regret for knowing them, it is just that I don't want to talk or, yea. Some people understand this. Some might consider me as snobbish and other 'societiness' kind of words.

It is just that, it is true that I've been feeling empty these days, especially yesterday. When dad called off our plans to go to Mydin on yesterday's morning, I got so turnt. I was being cranky. But finally we went to Mydin because we seriously need to buy some stuffs and we agreed to disagree on such childish plan. Sorry to say. One more thing, I started to feel like that both my parents are starting to take this whole mourning thing beyond the track. It is normal to mourn, to feel sad, to feel such emptiness of the loss, but I don't know. Maybe some people think that I am being insensitive, but it feels like we're holding on to something that avoid us from living our own normal daily lives. Yes, I do still think of sis, I do miss her badly, I do seriously want to meet her again. And for the record, last time I see her was on the last October, so how could I be so 'insensitive' or those whatnots words you'd like to call me. I cried to sleep last night and I somehow sure I am going to be at it again tonight, and most of coming nights too. It is sad, real sad, for me to see her room everyday. Her door. Her stuffs. I even sleep with her pillow. Her tablet is placed right next to my head. Her door is the first thing I see after I get out of my room every morning and the last thing I see every night before going back to my room. It feels so lonely. Plus with no-tv rule that's still on which sometimes drives me crazy because I'm the one that stays at home, all morning, 7 hours till 7am to 3pm and my parents expect me to be on my own with my laptop, phone, tablets, slow Internet, on, my, freaking, own. I used to turn on tv to make out sounds to avoid the silence. If before this, yes, I don't need tv, I have my sister. But now not anymore. I am on my own. And I need tv to distract me off from this whole sadness, emptiness, loneliness thing due to the asbsence of my sister from my life anymore, my whole life, my whole sad, empty, lonely life. God. How things can be so different from a month ago.

I do envy other people's perfect life, that's all. I have no idea what to say anymore. I just want to hide. I just can't wait for time to fly so fast and I can just move on with all these things and live my life the way I want it to be. I can't wait to be on my own. Meet a lot people. Ditch a lot of people. Have some good moments with people. Live some busy life. Buy more Apple products and so on. But first that need to get with all these things. I'm going to ask for dad's permission to turn on tv and I am going to explain to him all these things. I need something to distract me. I don't want to see myself in frequent sadness. I am so sure that sis wouldn't want to see me this way, and also this whole family to be in such a way. It has been almost a month. I just can't stand of this kind of pressure anymore. I'm just not ready. I am just another weak person. I just don't mean to be or sound disrespectful, but I don't coming home expecting to be this stressful. I'm sorry.

donuts

noreply@blogger.com (hazari.) — Thu, 22 Jan 2015 13:45:00 +0000

I've cried like numbers of times in Twitter regarding my body weight. It has been like a catastrophe to my body weight like since months ago. Not the catastrophe that'll put things into shatter kind of form but more to like building it to bigger, like plus size to it. I'm not sure if the future me will understand that sentence when I read it again soon but, yea, my body will. So, the thing is, I started to sense this since last September where I just can't stop eating like I used to in the previous semesters. I just eat, eat, like nothing was wrong especially with my money in the bank. And things were just so simple for me like it was surely for me to get JPA.

Regarding this matter too, I've told Koyum that I'll stop eating so much and I will start to make my own little budget starting last 15th of November, marks the time of 2 months left before I'll be back home which is on 15th January, initally, well, before the rearrangement of finals schedule. But 15 turns to 20, 20 turns to 25, then turns to early of December, which finally to the date where I don't even know what to name anymore. Plus with JPA, I've stopped worrying so much regarding my financial issue and, there I was, shopping for foods like there's no tomorrow. My tummy was and still, my first priority. Until the time this post is being written, I still have 2 donuts remaining and I'll be eating it soon.

And since the start of this semester break, I've been eating and eating and eating. Breakfast at 7.30am, lunch at 1.45pm, and dinner, sometimes 6ish sometimes 9ish. 3 sessions of eating, full. Full of rice with at least 1 plate of rice. Sometimes 2. And yesterday we had ayam bakar and I had 3 plates of rice for lunch and ate almost half of the chicken at night. And today, hm, I bought 6 donuts. Dad and I went to Tesco today and I bought a box of 6pcs of donuts. I felt happy, and satisfied with my decision. But the outcome, it is going to be quite depressed. I literally, in term of eating, lived my life to the fullest. And of course, I should start worrying now about this if I want to avoid diabetes since my family really is has some history regarding this disease. And if I want to look good too because dad just got me a few new pants which is good and I think it'd be suitable for me to wear this upcoming semester and the sizes are only around 31-32 and yea I should work quite hard to be in such figure again. Heh. Still, I enjoyed the donuts today and I can't wait to have it more soon. Looking forward.