my life... as I see it

We’re expecting a baby

2013-03-20T09:33:00.001-04:00

It was the day after President Obama was elected. We had spent the previous night out at a local pub with a few friends, watching the results of the election. Had too much to drink and stumbled home later that night.

The next day, we stayed in, ordered food and rented movies. That evening, Arizona had pressure in her lower abdomen. We had stopped birth control several months earlier, and both agreed we wanted to have a children… Although, for some reason we never thought we’d get pregnant so quickly. We both looked at each other, sort of in a daze… and I ran to the nearest grocery and bought two boxes of pregnancy tests. They were all positive. The daze turned into happiness, we held each other all night, imaging our new family, wondering if we were having a boy or a girl… you name it! (photo taken by Alex Waltl & Marina Kloess, Arizona was about four months pregnant)

We discussed separating weeks earlier because we had been growing apart, but after we realized we were having a baby, it’s like we were able to put up with eachother again. … or maybe we felt obligated to stay together for our unborn child? Either way, it seemed like there was hope for us.

I was so excited, I always wanted to be a Dad, but as a gay man, I never thought it was an option. I was extremely grateful; I couldn’t stop thanking God for this little miracle.

When it was confirmed, I promised myself I’d never cheat or do drugs again. My main priority was my new family.... so I was living more healthily and never saw that "casual encounter" again.

Wow, told you I was going to be honest!

Move to NYC

2013-03-20T09:19:00.000-04:00

The long distance thing was becoming an issue again, so guess what?!?! I moved to NYC to be with my girl. Leaving my job and my best friend in LA (my amazing boss), but optimistic about styling in the city.

We rented a garden apartment on the Upper East Side. It was perfect! Arizona was working a lot, so I had a lot of time to myself. I spent a lot of time at the gym, hired a personal trainer and really focused on yoga while looking for a job.

I finally got a job assisting the creative director of a top fashion magazine and assisting a major fashion designer. Everything seemed to be falling into place workwise, but Arizona and I began to become very distant. We never had any time together.

One afternoon, while leaving the gym, I met this guy… I can’t even remember his name, but I ended up going to his house. We hooked up and I left before his wife returned. I felt guilty, I think he did too…. but we continued to have these secret encounters, for several weeks. Eventually I didn’t feel badly anymore, I liked him.

Move to LA

2013-03-20T09:14:00.001-04:00

Several months into this “long distance relationship” I went to visit her in LA. The model apartment she was staying in was empty, so we had the place all to ourselves. It was nice to see her, I’d forgotten she’s cheated… guess I didn’t care anymore because I’d done the same.

I went on a shoot with her and met the stylist, who was first assistant to a major celebrity stylist team. She had a lot of clients of her own, and had just been signed to an agency. She was really good at what she did. She was very attractive, peppy, and completely organized... She offered me a job as her first assistant, so I flew back to Santa Fe, packed up and moved to LA immediately.

Arizona & I got our own apartment in LA. We were happy I guess. We were together again, she was modeling and I loved my new job. I was dressing the celebrities I’d always admired and was living in LA.

At this point, I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this girl… So I organized a weekend away, a surprise stay at a cute B&B in Santa Barbara. I asked her to marry me, she said YES. So, we were going to get married, eventually… we weren’t in a hurry, but I wanted her to know my intentions.

Arizona began working more and more, she was often in NYC… finally moving there full time. I was content in LA, very happy about my future styling. I didn’t want to move again. I loved driving at that time, never knowing where I was going, relying heavily on my GPS “Phoebes”. Hahahah!

I had a few days off, so I headed to NYC to visit Arizona in NY… as luck would have it, she had a last minute job in LA, so we were literally in the air flying in the opposite direction at the same time. I was disappointed, especially since I was left with her cunty roommates. When Arizona returned to NYC, we stayed in the bedroom for two straight days! We later estimated Nikko was conceived that weekend.

The Beginning

2013-03-20T08:45:00.003-04:00

It was December 2006. I was in the storefront window at J. Crew in Santa Fe, NM. At that time I was 21 and in charge of the window display. Arizona, or “Zoe” as she was called at that time walked right by the store before opening hours. She stopped right in front of me and our eyes connected, with a thick sheet of glass between us. She had long, curly, blonde hair. She walked to the door and attempted to enter the store. I told her to come back later when the store was open.

I had forgotten about the girl I’d seen earlier that morning… several hours later she entered the store. I was dressing a mannequin and she walked right up to me. She said, “I had to come back, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” She was cute, her laugh was adorable, her big smile. It appeared to be love at first sight. I don't think it was though, we were so young. Looking back, we were just stupid kids, who needed affection... looking for something that didn’t exist, if that makes sense.

I asked for her number and called her later that night, we made plans to hang out. I’m not sure of the date, but I was sitting at the bar at the Hotel St. Francis downtown. I gave her a call and she arrived half an hour later. At that time I wore blue contact lenses, it was very obvious I was gay. We talked about my boyfriend, and to my surprise I found out she was 18. I don’t remember, but she must have had a fake ID.

She didn’t have a problem with me being gay… We totally hit it off, I can’t describe it. I ended up getting a room at the hotel and she spent the night with me… We didn’t manage to get much sleep and ended up going to her Dad’s house very early in the morning, did lots of cocaine with him and his friends, it was quite the night. It was our first meeting, I’m sure he had no idea we’d end up together.

Arizona was a senior at SantaFe Prep, but spent most nights at my house near the plaza. We started dating immediately. My friends were confused, and when I broke up with my boyfriend whom I cared for dearly, he was devastated. I felt badly… but when I met Arizona, I no longer had the same feelings for him.

The house I was renting had been on the market, and two or three months after Arizona and I started dating it sold. I’d become very close to Arizona’s family… so rather than renting another place immediately, she invited me to move in with them.

I lived at her mum’s house for about four months, and shortly after Arizona graduated high school, I found a rental downtown for Arizona and I.

Arizona deferred from University and decided to pursue a modeling career and moved to LA. I wasn’t happy about her moving, but I encouraged her.

We decided to have a long distance relationship, but about a month after her move I found out she had been seeing someone else. I was hurt, and told her never to contact me again. It was over… I was sure of it.

I called my best friend. He was and still is this tattooed, macho, womanizer type, but the most considerate guy I’ve ever met. He came over and took care of me. We snuggled at night, LOL, and even had a three-some with a girlfriend of mine. He was by my side the whole time. He forced me to get off my ass and out of the house. The next few days were fueled with cocaine and vodka.

A few days later, to my surprise, Arizona showed up to my place. She had driven all through the night from LA to Santa Fe. She apologized, and begged me to take her back. I didn’t invite her in. I guess she spent the next few nights at her mum’s… I finally caved, invited her over and we were back together, but it wasn’t the same, not like before.

She soon headed back to LA, I was fine with it… I didn’t miss her as much this time. I was going out a lot, having lots of parties… & one night invited her best friend over for a few beers. I had a feeling he was gay (not going to mention his name), but wasn’t out yet. Long story short, we hooked up that night. Subconsciously, I must have done it to get revenge, but never told Arizona. However, she told me a few years later she knew about it, he had told her, but she kept it a secret from me. She has always been good at keeping secrets.

Overview

2013-03-20T08:31:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone… I’m Manuel Quintana, 28 years old and currently living in Santa Fe, NM. I’ve been doing a lot of writing recently, so I have decided, like most people these days to write a blog. I was recently accused of giving an interview to the most insignificant newspaper. So, I'm being proactive... I want to set the record straight about my relationship with my son's mother, Arizona Muse. My own words, I'll be completely honest... I’m tired of hiding everything. At the end of the day, this is not for anyone else, but for me, and my son, Nikko, whom I adore more than anything.

I guess what I’ll do is talk about, or rather answer all of the questions I’m bombarded with on a daily basis. I'm tired of pretending everything is always alright, you know?

For the past several years, I’ve worked in the industry in one way or another… visual merchandising at a major fashion brand, assisting an international clothing designer, celebrity wardrobe stylists, and most recently was the creative director, working for an international pop singer. However, the most significant and personal relationship I’ve had has been with Nikko’s mother.

Most people these days aspire to be famous, I mean I did at one point.… but in reality, seeing what it does to people, I’m quite frankly disgusted with this business called “FASHION”!

This is the first time I’ve written a blog, and am not the most articulate; so if you need some clarification, just ask. I might go back and fourth a bit, but I’ll cover everything.