Catherine Denton

Cruising vs Stop-Start

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Fri, 12 Oct 2018 17:56:00 +0000

It was raining as my son and I were traveling home. Traffic was thick and I kept slamming on the breaks to keep from ramming into the car cutting in front of me. It was slow going and yet, I kept lashing us with stopping and starting.

I told my son I wish I knew how to transition better but I've always struggled to drive smoothly in this kind of traffic.

"Just cruise," he said.

"Am I doing it?" I asked.

He broke into a smile, "No."

I slowed down and moved my foot off the brake. I stopped trying to keep cars from cutting into my lane. I could feel myself relax. I often try to control the traffic around me, making everything fair - according to my supposed rules. I let one person in, but no more than two. I try to stay close to the car in front of me without letting another car in. This control was causing the neck cracking stop-start action.

As I slowed down and stopped worrying about the traffic and more about cruising, I could feel my stress fade.

"That's it," he said.

My desire to control doesn't stop with traffic and I have plenty of rules for everyone and everything around me. The stop and start of trying to make the world behave is mind-breaking. I need to let go. Leave the world to do as they will andjust cruise.

Cruising is more fun anyways.

Halftime

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Wed, 10 Oct 2018 13:00:00 +0000

Barring no unforeseen circumstance, I'm at the halftime of my life.

It's exciting. I'm contemplating what game plays I'm going to continue running and what plays I need to change. I think sometimes I'm too optimistic, I get these ideas of how long I'll live, how healthy I'll be and how much I will accomplish. I'm a dreamer and sometimes I wonder if that's a detriment, but I choose to believe it's a strength.

If we can't imagine a better future, then what good is our imagination?

I choose to look ahead with excitement and plans. I know it all could get derailed by life, but apart from that, I'm more committed than I've ever been to just keep plowing through. Maybe I'll lose, maybe I'll look foolish, or maybe it won't work; but I want to have no regrets. I want to know I did everything I could to make my imagined future happen. I imagine so many great things I want to do. But I also imagine who I want to be.

I want to "grow up" to be:

Incredibly understanding of others.

A vulnerable storyteller.

Unrattled by drama.

Responsible for my own emotional life.

Advocate passionately.

As healthy as possible.

Unmoved by other's opinions of me.

A fighter for the underdog.

Constantly evolving.

Strong and determined.

Gentle and kind.

Stubborn and unwilling to quit.

Fierce!

I'm working hard to be aware of all the patterns, thoughts and actions I have that aren't serving me anymore. Recognizing the time clock has lit a fire under me and I hope the next half of life is even better than the first!

Mind Cleaning with a Life Coach

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Fri, 05 Oct 2018 13:00:00 +0000

It's fall cleaning in my brain. I've been taking stock of all my thoughts and deciding which ones to keep and which ones to toss. Like cleaning out my closet, reducing items for a minimalist wardrobe; I'm reducing my thoughts to a minimal group. It'll give me some space to focus and help me pour my energy on the thoughts I want to keep.

I have a Life Coach helping me. I've toyed with the idea of trying a life coach for awhile, but the cost always held me back. I found a program training coaches who offered free sessions in exchange for practice. I immediately signed up! I was nervous the first session but it was so good.

I have an amazing coach that's honest, firm and incredibly kind in her guidance. We explore my thoughts and take them apart to discover long-held beliefs. I've never struggled with sharing my feelings so this comes pretty naturally. I am learning so much about how to sit with my emotions and work through my thoughts. I feel like it's breaking apart so many unhealthy beliefs that I've held onto for too long.

Looking forward to where this mind cleaning will take me!

Refusing Self-Pity

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 13:00:00 +0000

I didn't realize how much self-pity I had until I started taking notice. Then it kind of got ridiculous. I felt sorry for myself if someone spoke too harsh. I felt sorry for myself if they didn't speak to me. I felt sorry for myself when I failed a goal, and the same if I succeeded.

It was basically a non-stop ride of self-pity. And once I started being aware of it, I was overwhelmed. And honestly, started to feel sorry for myself because I couldn't get away from it! (AGAIN with the self pity!!)

But what could I do? I thought about it and wondered, what if . . .

I decided to live without self-pity.

The very thought felt impossible to me. But I wanted to give it a try. Now when I start feeling self-pity, I remind myself that self-pity is not an option anymore.

I'm not gonna lie, it is HARD! For so long I found comfort in feeling sorry for myself. There's a small relief that comes from it, because feeling sorry for yourself doesn't require anything from you. It's simply wallowing in how bad life is. It takes all the responsibility off of you and puts it onto the world.

The downside of giving all the responsibility to something outside yourself is that it takes away all your power. Allowing myself to play the victim set me at the mercy of everything and everyone. I didn't like that; I wanted it to stop.

Refusing to feel sorry for yourself, rejecting self-pity, gives all the responsibility and the power back to you. I don't have to stay stuck in a sinking muck of poor me's anymore. No time for it! If there is no room for self pity then

I can move forward!

It releases me! I can move beyond the moment of wallowing and into the promising future. I can stay present and enjoy this moment, instead of staying frozen in the past. Breaking away from self-pity allows me to grab life by the horns and ride.

Intuitive Eating

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Wed, 03 Oct 2018 13:00:00 +0000

I've been reading the book, Intuitive Eating, and it's fascinating. The advice is seemingly simple, you eat only when you're hungry (a 6 or 7 on their hunger scale) and stop when you're satisfied (at a 4).

They encourage stepping away from the dieting mindset and allow yourself to eat anything within the pocket of hunger. You only eat when you're hungry but with the knowledge you won't deny yourself when you're hungry again. This is to break away from the dieting mindset and let yourself be assured you won't deny yourself any food. They say to fully embrace it and allow yourself to be assured and after awhile you will crave healthier foods.

They explain that eating past hunger diminishes the taste of the food anyway, so why not savor it while you're hungry and then wait until you're hungry again to eat more? Your stomach can't taste it.

I'm thinking of trying this. I do worry about gaining weight on the front end but I like the idea of allowing your body to direct you to what it needs by intuitive cravings.

Since the book is written by an award-winning registered dietitian and a nutritional therapist, both specializing in eating disorders; it gives me more confidence in their advice and confidence to try it.

The Compelling Reason Why

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Tue, 02 Oct 2018 13:00:00 +0000

I've questioned why there are times I can commit and nothing can keep me from completing that commitment. Then other times I commit and within that same day, I bail. In those moments I struggle with feeling like a quitter.

But deep in my core, I know that's not true.

So why? Why do I quit some goals and stay firmly committed to others? I was listening to Brooke Castillo's podcast today and she explained that to be committed to something you need a compelling reason why. I've heard this before when I was in an MLM, they talked about needing to have a why to make it all the way. But at the time, I just thought it was mental gymnastics and trying to guilt yourself into doing something.

But Brooke explained it in a way that helped me understand more clearly. The compelling reason why has to be in direct contrast to the reason that you're not doing it now. So say I want to exercise consistently, but the reason I don't is because I'm too afraid of looking stupid. Looking stupid is winning, it's more compelling to me than my reason to exercise. In fact, it's making me committed to NOT to exercise. So until I figure out a compelling reason to overcome that "I look stupid" thought, I won't be able to commit and really follow through.

Looking back, the times I followed through, I had very compelling reasons. For example, I stopped eating meat a year and a half ago. I had never entertained the idea of not eating meat because I liked meat. But one book changed that! It shifted my thinking. My compelling reason became compassion, I couldn't contribute to the pain of animals anymore. (I'm not trying to convince you to not eat meat, it's a personal reason for me and I respect your right to do as you feel best.) BUT, that one reason "not contributing to the pain of animals" compelled me enough to overcome a lifetime of eating meat.

On the other hand, I have wanted to build a personal online business for almost ten years but have never done it. Why? My compelling reason for not doing it has been, "It's too hard". So in order to overcome, "it's too hard", I need to have something to motivate me which will eliminate my desire to abandon it.

I'm not sure what that compelling reason will be, but I've been working on it. I'm considering using one of the most consistent and biggest (vain) motivators in my life. The one thought that always seems to make me rise to the occasion:

"I was right!"

Creating New Pathways

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Mon, 01 Oct 2018 13:00:00 +0000

Helping my daughter with a paper, I came across an article about neuroplasticity. Basically, it's the ability of the brain to change it's pathways. It's literally like going down a new road instead of taking the old path you're accustomed to.

It's extremely hard to change, because our minds want to take the easy way ~ the way we've always done things. Our brain loves to simplify things for us and revert to a default we've created.

I've been working to retrain my brain. I have beliefs and thoughts that I don't want to live by anymore, ones that don't help me. And I'm finding there are a LOT of them!

Listening to Brooke Castillo's podcast has helped me think through my patterns. She says since we used to survive in the wild, our brain figured out a way to keep us alive by taking the path of least resistance. This worked for us back in the day when a lion could be lurking around the corner. We needed to stay where it was safe and not venture too far.

But for most of us, the lion days are gone and dangers are not lurking on new paths. In fact, to get somewhere new in life, we have to take a different path.

I'm at a crossroads now.

My kids are pretty much grown and they'll probably be completely on their own in the next five years. So here I am forging a new path, finding out where I want to go and what I want my destination to be! But it's a weird in-between place.

I'm torn between the past of nurturing little people, to now standing on the sidelines and deciding what is it I want to do with the rest of my life.

I'm learning to make plans. I've kind of let life take me along, and thankfully it's been a great life! But now I'm setting intention and getting serious about hidden desires and dreams I've not yet pursued. I'm changing my thoughts about who I am and what I'm capable of.

I've been limiting myself for years, hemming myself into this person that doesn't take risks, sits scared behind other people and isn't willing to lead. But the last few years I've been changing those stories. I'm starting to believe a different story about myself. That I am capable of taking risks and that I am brave enough to walk forward with fear beside me.

Changing pathways in your mind is HARD! It's difficult to watch all the thoughts running across my mind like an energized puppy. It's work to not resist the negative emotions, but to sit with them and work through them. It's so uncomfortable! I've wanted change to be easy, but it's not.

Yet, there is something in my core that's driving me to do the work. Put in the time and change the story I'm telling myself. I have a dream of living to a healthy 100 years old, so I've got a lot of life yet to live and I want to live the FIRE out of it!

People-ing

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Sun, 30 Sep 2018 13:12:00 +0000

This morning we're having people over to the house for a light brunch of bagels. It's an unofficial ribbon-cutting ceremony for our renovated kitchen.

I'm naturally an introvert, so I don't have people over often. We used to have people constantly streaming through our house, and that's when I had three small children. It was a lot for me then and when I finally spoke up in protest, it slowed down considerably.

But now I worry that my preference takes precedence a little too often. When I told my husband I wanted to have people over, he was so excited it made me realize that maybe I'm not considering his extroverted heart enough. He definitely gets his "hit" of people by going out and about with friends, chatting with people on the phone, being part of projects and checking out places/events around town. But I didn't realize, until I saw his expression, how much he misses having people in our home.

I'm not the most organized or the cleanest housekeeper, so that's part of the struggle. I know how much I'll have to do before people come and that's half the battle. I mean, it's not like it used to be when we had a collection of toys carpeting the living room. It's easier now with only three grown-ups living here (our youngest is a high school senior). But I think the "getting ready" trauma from the past always raises it's head when I think of preparing for company.

The irony is that most of my friends could care less about how tidy my house is, they just wanna hang out. And yet, I put this perfectionist expectation on myself and build a barrier for wanting others in my home.

The introverted part of me is also nervous that I'll get overwhelmed or feel trapped. But these are just thoughts. The truth is, I usually end up having great conversations and love the energy from everyone having a good time.

Afterwards, the silence is always a high as well. Sitting in the quiet, with a clean house, surrounded by yummy leftovers, makes me insurmountably happy!

Losing Someone

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Fri, 07 Sep 2018 13:00:00 +0000

Last week a former student passed away. It was tragic and a shock to everyone in the school. This came only a month after our friend lost their middle school child. The loss of young lives is so devastating.

I don't know how to deal with grief, I really don't. It's such a terrible beast to engage with and yet there is something strangely beautiful about mourning a life. The pain is equal to the love and because of that, it's worth walking through.

I'm more comfortable with my tears than I've ever been. I let them fall when those waves arrive. My children have seen me cry in recent years and I wouldn't have let that happen when they were growing up. But I'm more comfortable with walking beside loss now. I don't want my children or friends to be afraid of grieving openly.

I'm normally a pretty upbeat person. My life hasn't lent itself to many hardships, so optimism comes easy for me and I like to spread it around. But I also like to be sincere. So when I'm in the middle of grief, I allow myself to go under and feel it deeply.

I used to feel guilty for grieving if I wasn't the closest person to the one who died. But now I see the grief of acquaintances as allowing their tribe to see the impact of how far a person reached.

There was a time I avoided grief and those grieving. I didn't feel like I had anything to offer, any hope to give. I was afraid I would cry or make them feel bad.

But I've learned that the opposite is true. You can't make someone feel bad when they have a loss, because they're feeling that loss constantly. You didn't remind them of it, they never forgot. As for crying around them, it's comforting to see that your loved one impacted others. It's healing to hear stories you might not have heard about them. It's soothing to be among those who loved them.

Nowadays I find myself more likely to show up than run away. I'll admit, I always feel a lump in my throat before stepping into the doorway of a grieving family, but I know I'll be glad I came. Even when I bumble my words or cry snotty tears, simply being there reminds them we are not alone in this pain.

Guilty Pleasure, The Bachelor

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Thu, 06 Sep 2018 14:48:00 +0000

I am ashamed to admit I have a guilty pleasure of watching the Bachelor shows. When my family comes home and I'm in the middle of an episode, there's a wash of shame that comes over me and an apology escapes my lips; but there is no attempt to change the channel.

When asked what I love about it, I can't pinpoint the reason. The truth is that I roll my eyes several times an episode and sometimes get really annoyed. Yet, I am drawn back in when the time comes around. I don't truly consider myself part of the Bachelor Nation. I think of myself more of a so-so fan who just can't look away.

Maybe it's the romantic in me that wants to see a "happily ever after"? Although the success rate is dismal. Or it might be the puzzle factor, trying to see if I'm right on who they'll choose. I always feel a huge sense of accomplishment if I'm right (which is only half the time).

Whatever it is, I continue to watch it. And when pushed on my choices, I 'maturely' remind those living in my home about the shows they watch which I hate!

Learning Spanish

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Fri, 27 Jul 2018 20:35:00 +0000

I'm learning Spanish. It's a super slow process, but extraordinary. I'm blown away by the beauty of the words. I've started and stopped several times throughout the last five years because life got in the way.

This summer as I restarted practicing again, it came easier for me. I recognized many of the words and phrases. I still have a long way to go to get to fluent. I can only speak Spanish like a very young child, but I'm excited about the prospect of getting better.

We live in a Hispanic community and I desperately want to be able to communicate. I work at a high school and would love to freely talk to our Spanish speaking students and teachers. I don't like being singularly lingual. It feels uncomfortably elite.

Spanish is such a beautiful language. I attempted to learn it in high school, but learning it conversationally is much different than shuffling through all the grammatical lingo.

I'm hoping that in the next few years I will be at the point of fluency. I know it will take tons of hours and practice to get there but I get giddy about the possibilities it could bring.

"Don't Worry" Never Helps

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Tue, 24 Jul 2018 21:00:00 +0000

I understand why people say, "Don't worry", I've done it myself ~ but it never helps. As I write this, my son is attempting to travel home from China. I say attempting because it's been an ordeal. Due to an airline mistake, he ended up missing his connecting flight to the States and had a twelve hour layover in the Shanghai airport.

ALONE.

He's seventeen and has never traveled out of the country by himself or even flown by himself before this. No, of course this isn't my worst nightmare and I didn't lose my mind. (yes, I lost my mind)

The last two days have been intense! I don't handle stress great. I often want to lose myself in a pile of sweets and come out on the other side with a migraine. Handling my anxiety is not something I've succeeded at but I'm trying to do better.

Instead of running for sweets today, I've given myself a poster project. I'm attempting to distract myself with new episodes of Anne with an E, The Bachelorette (yes, I'm ashamed of this one but I can't help myself) and tons of art supplies to make Welcome Home posters because I choose to believe he will make it home tonight.

Of course it was then that I learned at his next connection, my young son has to race through customs, re-check his bag and arrive at his gate to get on his next flight in about an hour and a half. Is this real life? Sigh. The worry monsters raise their ugly heads. I hope he finds a good person who can help him get to all the places but I know that's the stuff of fiction. For me, the overwhelming terror is that...

I can do nothing about it! Nothing. Nada.

So here I sit, knowing I have no way to help other than being moral support. What do I do? I usually just sit here worrying about all the things that could go wrong; running every scenario through my head making myself a terrified mess.

BUT

I could accept that I have no control. I could hug it in like a long lost puppy and just sit with it. The obvious fact is that I can do nothing about the situation (believe me, we've made all the calls possible). So I can opt to keep my hands occupied, my mind busy and let it go. What happens happens. I have no way to change it.

Letting go is so desperately hard. Why is it so hard?! Is it the Mom part? the scared little girl part? the sky is falling part? I'd like to think it's the optimistic part that wants to believe there is STILL something I can DO.

But at some point, one has to either go crazy or stop.

So today, I'm choosing to stop. I'm going to believe that my son can survive, even if he has to wait for another twelve hours to get home. I'm going to watch the inventive, cheerful Anne of Green Gables to distract myself from obsessing while I drawing fancy hand-lettering on cheap poster-board.

(And I wouldn't be opposed to a box of chocolates or a plate of cookies!)

5 Simple Goals

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Mon, 23 Jul 2018 13:00:00 +0000

I used to write five goals for the month and track my progress with them. Usually half of them were something I wanted to accomplish and half just fun. I want to get back to that because a.) I love goals, and b.) It keeps me accountable to have fun. I may do them weekly just to watch my progress.

1. See Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again! with my oldest daughter. She and I have an obsession with this movie and the music. She's the only one of my three kids that doesn't gag at my musical theater obsession!

2. Walk 30 minutes a day. I've been walking with good regularity this summer but I haven't been consistently at 30 minutes. Sometimes I just fit in 15 or 20 minutes but I'm hoping to up my game and stay at 30.

3. Read Just the Essentials. I've been intrigued with getting more earth-friendly with my cleaning supplies/household items. I've heard good things about this book and picked it up from the library.

4. Weed my front flower bed. It's terrible! I need to put some weed killer in it I think because as soon as I weed it, it's back again. Maybe this is the perils of having a yard, but I've never noticed it being so crazy. We've had a lot of rain, so maybe that's causing it.

5. Replace my empty gel pens with refills! My friend gave me a huge amount of gel pens in December that I am STILL using. About an 1/4th of them are needing refills and the whole pack came with refills so I still won't be out of ink for awhile. I'm guessing it's going to last me all the way to next December ~ it's the gift that keeps on giving! I love using them to color, highlight and write. If you've been around long, you know I'm crazy about my pens and these feel like a treat every time I use them!

The Joy of Painting

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 22:30:00 +0000

Lately, I've been painting again. It feels like going back to childhood every time I return. I don't paint with an end in mind; I just play! It's so fun choosing my favorite colors, fun shapes and doodling patterns.

Seeing yourself as an artist is often a stumbling block to actually creating art ~ at least it was for me. As an young adult, I never imagined I could paint because couldn't see myself having any skill. You have to be able to draw realistically to be a painter, right? Wrong!

Scrolling the web one day, I happened upon a group of fabulous artists who encouraged me (via the internet) to embrace creativity and just go for it. For the past ten years I've listened to them and embraced the fun of painting without worrying about the title of artist. If life gets busy and I'm away for awhile, I'm always drawn back by the thought of color and swirling thick layers across a canvas.

One of the artists who inspired me is the free spirit, Flora Bowley. Her book Brave Intuitive Painting gives wings to my tentative attempts! Not only does she dispel what an artist looks like, but she addresses the thoughts we grab onto that keep us from exploring our creativity.

Maybe not everyone will want to attempt to paint, but reading Flora might convince you to try! We all have the ability within us, we may just need some gentle encouragement. Play and willingness are the only requirements.

In this book, Flora's lessons remind me of what it was like to paint as a child with finger-paints, stamps, dancing and scribbles. It's all about fun and letting your inner child explore! Flora makes painting easy and accessible. If you're worried about knowing how to start on an empty canvas, she's got loads of tips to get you started!

Check her out, I think you'll love her style!

The Plant Killer

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 21:30:00 +0000

I have never had luck growing plants of any kind. I rarely plant-sit for anyone for fear of killing their beloved babies.

I shy away from growing anything of my own because (in the words of Anne Lamott), "They'd end up looking like I'd watered them with Agent Orange...you'd see it clutching its little throat, staring at you with its little Keane eyes, gasping and accusing--and I mean, who needs it?"

So recently when I walked out my front door and noticed a bloom on a bush I'd hopelessly planted last year, a scream erupted from my lips.

What was this? How had this plant survived the extremely cold winter and the water-less summer days? I knew it wasn't me because my track record is dismal, and yet, here was proof that I could actually grow something!

A little purple flower hung waving in the breeze. I ran over to make sure it was real and discovered multiple buds clustered around it. MORE?! I was growing more than one? I could hardly contain my excitement and flung myself down, pulling out weeds around it, as if I knew how this was done.

I sat admiring it and feeling all philosophical.

Isn't that just like us? I thought, we bloom in the most unexpected conditions, with very little watering and next to no attention. Yet here we are.

One day a plant-killer, the next day a bloom.

The Summer of Pretty

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 21:30:00 +0000

I'm wearing dresses again.

I think I stopped wearing them when I became a mom because I was always messy or chaotically on the go. I didn't have anything to dress up for on a regular basis and even when I did, I substituted pants with ballet slippers.

I think it was also because I'd gained weight. It started with leftover baby weight from pregnancies and continued with late night "treats" after babies were in bed. Somewhere during the transformation of my body, I let go of dressing up and feeling fancy.

But lately I've been working on loving my body. I must be making some progress because I bought a dress. It flatters my shape and swings around my knees. I love it!

Then on vacation, when we were thrifting our way through Des Moines, Iowa, I found dress after dress in those tucked away aisles.

How was I finding so many things that fit me perfectly when I'd struggled for years to find anything?! Then it hit me, it wasn't the clothes that had changed.

And now I'm living the summer of pretty, with a closet full of dresses!

The Deadly Trap of Assumptions

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Tue, 17 Jul 2018 21:43:00 +0000

We all make assumptions, it's human nature to connect things and want them to make sense. When something doesn't make sense, we put our own spin on it and solve the puzzle through assumptions.

But our version of things isn't always the truth. And leaning only on our assumptions can lead to the end of relationships, jobs, or dreams.

I've been in situations where I was sure I knew what someone was thinking or what was meant by something they said. So I walked away with hurt feelings or an injured ego only to find out days later that my assumptions had been completely wrong.

It's easy to assume, it's human even. But it can lead us down roads of loss that could be avoided by one thing. One simple action solves the problem of assumptions:

Learn to ASK.

Simply asking a question to clarify the other person's actions can clear up all assumptions and give the person a chance to explain. It gives us a moment to connect and listen. It helps raise empathy between us by hearing each other's perspective.

All this, with a tiny, significant ask.

How You're Hurting Your Feelings

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Mon, 16 Jul 2018 22:40:00 +0000

I grew up thinking I had the power to hurt someone else's feelings and I carried that belief into adulthood. I have always been a person to tries desperately not to step on anyone's toes and sometimes that's worked and other times it (obviously) hasn't. I think this belief happens naturally when adults tell you to be careful not to hurt your friend's feelings or Grandma's feelings. Or to mind your manners when you meet someone so you don't hurt their feelings.

I've been listening to a podcast called: The Life Coach School Podcast. And one of the recent ones I heard (episode 37) really challenged this idea.

The host, Brooke Castillo, talked about our ownership of our feelings. That we create feelings with the thoughts we think. Now, my first reaction when she said this was defensive. How could we create all our feelings? People do things to hurt us all the time!

But then she went on to explain that we, sometime in our life and often in childhood, attach a belief to something that happens to us. Maybe it's that when someone's mad at me, I'm unlikable. Or if I speak up for myself, I get consequences. Whatever those beliefs are, we carry them into our lives and live as if they are truths when they might not be. But we shape our actions around them. So when some circumstance triggers our thought, we automatically have those same feelings.

One of mine is feeling stupid. I have an emotional reaction if I ever feel like I've messed up or said something wrong. It's because my subconscious mind believes a thought automatically and it causes a reaction. That thought is, I'm stupid, and then I feel embarrassment and shame. But the same situation may happen to someone else and they won't feel stupid because they don't have that thought attached to that action.

Castillo says that we must learn to recognize the emotion and back track to the thought. Then sit with the emotion, sort through where it came from and deal with it. Only then can we move forward and begin to change our thoughts. If we change our thoughts, then we'll change our feelings. She claims that all of us are responsible for our own feelings! We must learn to direct our feelings through our thoughts.

I find this a bit mind-blowing; it might take me a while to get my head around.

The Anxiety Toolkit

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 13:00:00 +0000

I wrote quickly in my notes as the speaker explained symptoms of anxiety issues that are found in students. I remember listening to his list of symptoms thinking, but those are totally normal, everyone thinks like that! Then it hit me, do I have anxiety issues?

I drove home home feeling confused and told my family about my weird revelation. They chimed in that of course I have anxiety, they all knew that!

They knew that?! How did everyone know I had anxiety except me? I'm an introspective person, so it really bothered me that I'd been blinded to something so obvious to others.

I'd always assumed my excessive worrying was a part of my analytical nature and possibly a side effect of mothering. But with my new awareness, I set off to learn how to better cope with my anxiety.

It wasn't long after that, I stumbled across The Anxiety Toolkit in a used bookstore. I snatched it up thinking it might give me a few solutions for my anxiety-ridden mind. It gave me more than a few solutions, the entire book was packed with insight! One of my favorite parts was the section on rumination.

Rumination

"Anxiety often leads to two types of overthinking: rumination (mentally replaying events that have happened, either in the recent or distant past) and worry (fear about what may happen in the future)."

People with anxiety tend to ruminate over past or current situations, conversations, decisions and end up in a loop spiraling downward. The author, Boyes, had a few tips for stopping this process.

1. Recognize when you're ruminating.

Ruminating can begin without us realizing we're doing it. Our thoughts go over each moment reviewing the events and questioning why we did certain actions. We're often critical of ourselves, nitpicking our choices.

It can lead to demeaning accusations of ourselves such as:

Why am I so stupid?
Why didn't I just do this instead?
Why do I always do ____?

But if we can recognize when we're starting down the path of rumination, we can stop ourselves from the dangerous pattern it creates. Instead of allowing ourselves to worry and focus on the bad that could/did happen, choose three ways to work towards a solution.

Shifting our mind towards three things to DO, can give us forward motion and keep us from being locked in our anxious thoughts. It actually re-directs the brain from one function to another.

It gives us movement outside ourselves. Even if the only solution is taking a walk, or calling a friend; these steps will give us something to work towards. Movement will feel more empowering and give our thoughts a place to go.

2. Become aware of memory bias.

" . . . Don't trust your memory. You might be ruminating about something fictional or at least magnified."

This has been a good but difficult lesson for me. I've had to learn not to make assumptions. If I feel that something is off, I need to ask the person about it instead of putting my own assumptions on them.

Letting go of trusting your own instincts can be difficult. I've had to recognize that sometimes my instincts are off because of my hyper-alert sensitivities. Sometimes my thoughts are tainted with a bias of expecting people not to like me, or that they'll be disappointed in me; so that is what I see.

Instead of assuming I'm right, I ask them to clarify. Are you upset with me? Did I disappoint you? Are you feeling I'm not a good fit for this?

It's a little more vulnerable to ask these questions, but I've found that often times my assumptions were wrong and speaking up helped restore the relationship.

Since ruminating is in the mind, it doesn't help the situation or bring a solution.

If I interpret someone's actions as being angry at me, I might pull back and not engage as much. But stepping out of my head and asking a question gives us the opportunity to relate. We can clear the air, even if I imagined a problem where there wasn't one.

3. Accept that you often won't know why other people have acted in a particular way.

"Recognize that if someone acts strangely, there's a very high likelihood that the behavior has something to do with what's happening for that person, rather than being about you, and you're probably never going to know what the reason was. . ."

Determining what we do and do not have power over can help us let go of what is out of our control.

Trying to control people or situations doesn't usually work. The sooner we decide to let go, the easier it becomes to see what we CAN do. We have control over our own actions, relating, decisions and purpose. These should keep our thoughts busy enough.

Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness meditation is giving your mind a helpful focus instead of worry or rumination. It's a way to train your thoughts to go in another direction.

It doesn't have to be sitting yoga-style and chanting (although it can be) but it can be as easy as taking a few minutes to listen to your breath. It can be a mantra that calms you or builds you up, such as, "I accept myself as I am right now." It can be walking through the neighborhood and making sure to take notice of what your eye lands on.

For Me - after realizing I had anxiety symptoms, I was able to look back over my life and recognize that I've always been an anxious person. I'm wary and careful. I'm vigilant to stay cautious and safe.

Anxiety has its place and can be very helpful when it comes to surviving. Our forefathers had to stay alert and watch for danger to survive.

But staying alert to danger when there is no danger can lead to missing out on the beauty around us. I'm learning to balance the two and getting better at distinguishing when my anxiety is warranted and when I might be hyper-alert where there is no real danger.

Keeping thoughts centered on what I'm grateful for and what I can control is more productive. Calming myself with breathing techniques works when I sense myself spiraling towards panic.

How do you handle anxiety?

I'll Be Your Designated Reader

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Mon, 25 Jun 2018 13:00:00 +0000

For years, I tried to figure out my thing.

You know, the one thing they say to look for, threaded throughout your life that's your sole purpose? The thing that gives your life meaning?

But it kept alluding me.

Until one day (after a ridiculous amount of time searching, self-reflection and discussions) I looked around my chair to find piles of books. Books I'd read, books I was reading and half-finished workbooks. Then it occurred to me:

Reading is my thing!

As a child, one of my favorite activities was finishing books as quickly as I could, so I could exchange them during our weekly trip to the library.

I read to learn, escape, discover and share with others.

Every friend of mine knows this because when they have a problem or struggle, I always chime in with, “You need to read this book (insert title)!”

But I’ve noticed something ironic, even among my book-loving friends, they don't want to read the book. They simply want to be told the best parts.

And I get it. They may not have time, or maybe they don't like the genre I recommend. If they don't have the desire to read these books, then I might be their only introduction to the content. They won't discover the good parts without being told. And if the juicy bits speak deeply enough to their lives, they might eventually buy the book! Or at the very least, recommend it to others.

Maybe as you're reading this, you identify with my friends. You don't have time or desire to read. Maybe you wish someone would read for you and just deliver the good parts. I don't want anyone being left out of fabulous content just because they don't have the desire (time/energy/resources) to read. So I have an idea:

Let me be your designated reader.

People have designated drivers, so why not a designated reader? I love to read and I love to share what I'm learning. I could keep you in the loop of all the good books and their outstanding content. And if that helps you, it'd make me doubly happy!

I'll share the life-hacks, encouragement, tips and insight I find that could make your life easier, happier or more productive.

I want to save you time!

I'm not interested in doing book critiques or reviews, just sharing my takeaways ~ what I liked, what I tried, what worked and what didn't.

In the end, you might find a solution to your problem or even a book you actually want to read!

Oatmeal for Days

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Mon, 16 Apr 2018 13:00:00 +0000

I'm a creature of habit.

If I have a routine or something I love, I repeat it for a long time. My roommates would tire of hearing the same music droning from my room and my children have complained about visiting the same treasured bookstore. Thankfully I have friends and a husband that push me to try new things! But recently, for my health challenge, I decided to go with what I do best ~ familiar and repetitive.

I read an article listing the best thermionic (fat-burning) foods your body can consume and it listed: oatmeal, yams, sweet potatoes, multi-grain cereals, whole-grain bread & pasta, brown rice, broccoli, spinach, salad greens, asparagus, grapefruit, oranges, apples, blueberries, pears, cantaloupes, chili peppers, paprika and caffeine. I decided to start with breakfast and simply exchange what I had been eating for oatmeal. I've had oatmeal with blueberries (no sweetener) everyday and I'm loving it! I sprinkle a little cinnamon and a teaspoon of flax-seed in to help the flavor and maximize the results. It's been really satisfying and keeps the hunger at bay for longer. HighCarbHannah once explained that oats like street-sweepers for our body pipes. I've always been a fan of oatmeal, so this hasn't been hard to incorporate. I know this level of repetition is not for everyone, but it works for me! Such a simple first step.

Easy Exercise

I've also been walking daily. I've mentioned this before, but I find it so much easier to walk everyday when I don't require myself to go anywhere. Sometimes I walk around the neighborhood and sometimes I just walk inside my house. I try to make it fun. Either I dance-walk with my favorite songs, or I walk while listening to a podcast or audio book. Books and music are my passion, so it makes the yucky exercise part seem less daunting (the yucky exercise part is growing on me too). Another exercise I love is yoga ~ not super hard yoga, just basic stretching. Yoga with Adriene on YouTube is my favorite because she's quirky and chill. She makes you feel amazing just for showing up! After my post a few days ago, I got more recommendations from friends about other exercise channels I should try. I'm going to check them out and let you know what I think!

What easy tips have you found helpful for a healthy, happy life?

New Beginnings

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Tue, 10 Apr 2018 12:30:00 +0000

New Beginnings I'm at a new phase in life and feel a little lost. My kids are leaving the nest and I suddenly have a lot more time on my hands. I look ahead and wonder what to do with my life. I have causes I want to support, and pursuits I've never pursued at the level I want to. There's so many things I want to do. I already have a part-time job I love, working as a receptionist at my son's high school, but I definitely want to focus on writing, creating, personal growth and physical health with the rest of my time.

Writing has always been a passion of mine, but in the past I've worked on it in waves instead of keeping a consistent practice. I've always dreamed of writing books and I want to take that dream seriously. I have a need to express myself. So my focus will be to simply practice the art of writing/documenting, send off articles and build my writing skills.

Creating art comes in at a close second to writing. I love so many forms of creativity: painting, hand-lettering, singing, doodling, drawing, acting, coloring, knitting, dancing, stamping, chalking, playing, embroidering, and on. Practicing this one comes easy for me, I find it easier to do everyday because it's easier to start and stop. I want to focus on drawing and doodling; I'd also like to continue learning ukulele.

Personal growth is an obsession with me. My personality leans towards analyzing, so it easily transfers to my own behavior. I enjoy the puzzle of learning how to live better, react better, work better and any other kind of improvement. I feel a bit smothered if I don't have something to work towards. I want to continue pursuing that, sharing the tips and resources I find helpful.

Health is a hard one for me. Of course I want to be healthy, but this has always eluded me. I've held the wrong belief that I'm not a "health nut". Somewhere I started believing that if you were a healthy person then you weren't fun. I know that's totally ridiculous, but deep down I believed it and I've worked to change that wrong belief. Over the past year I've been alternating between eating vegetarian and/or vegan and I feel better. But I think I've been a bit of a junk-food vegan and I'm trying to eat more whole foods now. I'd also love to be in better shape, so I need to incorporate an exercise program that I can make a habit of my daily routine.

Sharing I'll be sharing my journey here and on social media to have accountablity. Sharing online helps me stay focused.

How do you handle transition? Have you ever wondered what to be when you grew up ~ even at middle age?

I Want . . .

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Fri, 16 Mar 2018 15:20:00 +0000

I want a simple cottage in the woods.
I want to hear singing birds and rustling leaves.
I want to snuggle on a squishy couch with my laptop.
I want long walks through tree-lined paths.
I want my family around me laughing.
I want to travel with my husband to new places.
I want to explore ancient buildings.
I want bravery to speak my mind.
I want to stare at the stars in awe of what I still don't know.
I want to doodle an entire sketchbook.
I want unlimited time to browse through art museums.
I want my words to lift lonely hearts.
I want to paint freely with abandon.
I want to soak up every moment while I'm in it.
I want to love well and live long.

Something to Say

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Mon, 12 Mar 2018 11:30:00 +0000

You have something to say.

It may not be profound

Or extremely life-changing,

But you have wisdom to give.

Small, explosive wisdom

That comes from living life

In the honest trenches,

Deeply aware of your failures.

You learn lessons in the pit

About what connects you

To the heart of others and

What pushes you away.

You learn your weak-

Spots and blind-spots.

You see your mistakes

And bravely own them.

You find your hidden power

In unexpected moments.

Emerging as a leader,

Creator, or problem-solver.

You awaken from growth

On the side of experience

With tender wisdom to share ~

Something important to say.

Introverts Get Happy on Less

noreply@blogger.com (Catherine Denton) — Tue, 16 Jan 2018 17:43:00 +0000

When our kids were little, my husband always wanted to have people over but I rarely did. I felt out of energy at the end of the day and having people over (as much as I loved said people) sounded horrible. I wanted quiet and solitude with a side of cuddling. I felt guilty and selfish for not wanting to be social. Often I would give in, but feel resentful for it. I hated telling my husband and kids that I wasn't up for company because I felt like the bad guy, the party pooper. Being extroverts, they couldn't understand me.

But now I realize why.

Reading through The Introvert Advantage, I learned some key pieces of the puzzle. According to Laney,

Introverts actually get energy or dopamine hits much faster than extroverts.

That's why it doesn't take a whole lot for an introvert to be happy. Sitting under a quilt with a good book is dreamily stimulating for me. While the same "hit" would take my husband multiple outings and/or multiple people interactions each day.

I used to feel frustrated that my husband couldn't just enjoy being home instead of going out. But now I realize that staying still too long feels suffocating for him, just as going out too much or interacting often is draining for me.

Since introverts reach their "hit" faster, they can become overstimulated easily.

This is why at parties they seem to wilt, sometimes with glazed-over eyes. They often seek solace in less crowded areas, like the porch or the bathroom. You'll often see them sitting in a corner away from the crowd.

I've learned to conserve my energy if I have multiple interactions coming up.

I give myself quiet and solitude in the hours or days ahead, immerse myself in a book or intimate discussion with a close friend. These things fill me up and get me ready to dispense energy out. I'm much less judgmental about my family's need to go and do things these days, but I'm also more vocal about when I need to quit.

Sometimes keeping the balance is simply going home for an hour to sit in the calm and allow the over-stimulation to settle down. Sometimes it's refusing an invitation to go out because I've already exerted too much for the weekend. Sometimes it's taking two cars so I can leave early.

I used to feel weak because I was happy with small things. I love repetition and all things familiar. It made me feel boring next to my adventure-seeking family. But now I see the strength and beauty all of us bring to the table. My extroverted family convinces me to try things I would never try on my own and they keep me from being a recluse. I help them rest and notice the simple pleasures in everyday life.

Both perspectives are needed.

Instead of feeling trapped by being an introvert, I now understand my strengths. I go deep. I'm easily entertained. I enjoy life.

Introverts get happy on less and that's a good thing!