Just Not Like The Others

Funny thing fear.

2017-07-01T13:17:00.000+02:00

Funny thing fear.

It stops you from living your life, loving who you want to, going to places and experiencing the world in all its multi-coloured splendour.

When you live with fear your world becomes grey, compartmentalised and small. The endless horizons that stretch out for those who are courageous and brave, are not the ones that you have on your self-imposed landscape.

So why do we feel fear? Is fear not false evidence appearing real?

And more importantly, how do we kick fears butt right out of this hemisphere?

For me, fear stopped me from committing to love.

Until I met Special K and my whole perception of relationship and relating were challenged.

Nine years down the line and here we are two weeks away from saying our ‘I do’s’.

However when she asked me to marry her 9 years ago, I said no.

I was so fearful of the opinions of others and my concern about how my decisions would affect my son were uppermost in my decision making process.

I was challenged in my own understanding of what a ‘gay relationship’ was supposed to be and my tainted understanding of how my community and friends would respond to my life changing decision.

Admittedly I had baggage.

The wounding behaviour of some of my closest friends when I fell in love with K affected me deeply. I was disowned by a very dear friend and told by another when she had a car accident that she was picturing K and I burning in hell at the time…

Yet, here we are. Still together in spite of it all.

And slowly with determination I have started to look my fears in the face and make the changes I need to make, to live an authentic life.

I have had to make peace with the fact that my son does not have a ‘normal family with white picket fencing and a dog.

The reality is we have 4 dogs, 3 cats, a bird and a 94 year old, and actually, we do have white picket fencing. For real. My son is balanced, happy and a really decent human being. And I ascribe this to the influence K has had in his life. From her he has learnt so many things that I would not have been able to teach him; life lessons and skills that without her he would have missed out on. And on the plus side, he now has a fishing buddy for life.

When my Dad was informed about our decision his first response was one of concern. Concern that the people, who had hurt me, would do so again.

I made it clear to him that they were not invited. And that this time around, I actually do not care for their opinions. The lovely saying comes to mind ‘what other people think of you is none of your business’ has become a bit of a Mantra for me.

I am not unaware of the plight of black lesbians on a daily basis. I am not unaware of the widespread femicide and misogyny we have to try to come to terms with.

I am more than aware.

But I am no longer going to let that or the opinions of people I do not know or the disapproval of people I do know, stop me.

I am going to walk tall and live my truth.

I come out almost every day anyway, now I can add MRS to my repertoire. And I like the sound of that.

I believe that small powerful acts like these influence the world in ways we cannot fathom.

Spiritually, as well as physically.

On some deep cosmic level I am part of a collective movement to subtly bring us back to humanity.

One ‘I do’ at a time.

After all, lions don’t lose sleep over the opinions of sheep, now do they?

What I wish I knew at 18; a letter to myself.

2014-10-22T08:49:00.000+02:00

Recently a friend that I studied photography with many, many years ago posted some photos on Facebook of me when I was 18.

If I tell you that I had a physical reaction to them, I am not kidding.

Here was a familiar face staring back at me, and I realized how wrong I have been for all these years.

Not only was the girl in the pictures thin (!) she was delicately beautiful.

Behind the images is a story of a girl that was sexually abused as a little girl, physically abused by a lesbian girlfriend*, and an insecure and vulnerable individual who hid her pain behind her sense of humor.

Looking at myself at 18 has made me walk through memory lane, looking at my past and reliving some of the most momentous experiences of my life up to now.

And what this has made me realize is that I have made it.

Perhaps not in the exact way that I thought I would, but damn near enough.

I wanted to be a poet, an artist and a baker.

I have done all of these things to a more or lesser degree. I have had my poetry published, as too articles in magazines, exhibited and sold my art as well as my photography and I co own a restaurant where I bake almost daily.

My concept of fame may be completely different to that which I had initially aspired to all those years ago but that which I have achieved is valid and real and meaningful to who I am now;

I have addressed groups of women, some as large as 400 at a time, I have coordinated the most powerfully transforming events and have been invited to speak publically at various charities and events.

Having been so desperate to be loved I had perhaps been too keen to step into relationships that may have not been ideal, however these made me learn so much about me.

So to my 18 year old self I would like to say:

1. You are beautiful. You really are. Not conventionally in the chocolate box kind of way, but more in a porcelain doll or Greek Nymph kind of way. And you are thin. Enjoy it.

2. You do not need to change who you are in order to be loved. The right person WILL come along (this I promise) and will love you unconditionally just the way you are. They will also think you are drop dead gorgeous and seriously sexy. But I digress.

3. Stop being afraid of what other people think of you. It is none of your business and spending time in pain or anxiety over this will just rob you of precious happy time and energy.

4. Look after your physical as well as mental wellbeing. Dieting for 30 years is really a drag and living in a constant state of denial is enough to make anyone depressed. Especially you.

5. Find things that make you happy, such as Tai Chi, meditation, dance, swimming and going to the gym. Music inspires you, so use it to make yourself move. You will love yourself and the world for it. Also you will meet wonderful people along the way.

6. Be honest. (point 3 applies here as well) the more honest you are, the taller you will walk and the more authentic you will live.

7. You will have more than one love of your life. Be open to stepping out of your comfort zone and truly living in the moment.

8. As big as your dreams are right now, you will accomplish more. Your tenacity, courage and fearlessness in the face of adversity will create situations that will enhance your life, many times.

9. Love your Mom and Dad. Yes, and forgive them for being human. They are your greatest allies even tho you may not believe that right now.

10. You are highly creative and talented, but you need at least 8 hours sleep to be of any use to anybody!

11. Stop feeling shame for being a sexual being. Sex can be so much more than you imagine. Let the past go and revel in the fact that you are desired, sexy and love sex. But be safe at the same time. Never have sex out of guilt and never use sex as a weapon.

12. Not everything people do is about you or because of you. The fact that you are highly sensitive and highly emotional can at times cause you to behave badly and obsess to the point of madness. The sooner you learn to take nothing personally, the happier you will be. This will be a very hard lesson to master. But you will. I hope.

13. Live your life in the now. Be present. Life is really very, very good. You are so blessed, so lucky, so loved that when you look back you will be amazed at just how good it all was. And is.

14. And finally, I am sorry. That I did not believe in you, trust in you or treat you as well as I should have. When I look back to this moment from the future I will know that this was a catalyst for change. That starting right now I will be enough; pretty enough, wise enough, educated enough, thin enough, healthy enough, strong enough. Just enough. And I thank you. From the deepest part of me, for overcoming, for rising above and for not giving up. Ever.

You rock Sista, and I love you.

Me at 47.

* = http://justnotliketheothers.blogspot.com/2011/05/action-replay.html
* Photographer: Annie Macmillan

Article on my 'Embodiment series' in the Daily Maveric

2014-08-20T10:30:00.000+02:00

Embodiment of the quiet world

by MARELISE VAN DER MERWE
LIFE, ETC

As women’s month passes most of us by, not really changing anything, one photographer is using her camera to capture the essence of South Africa’s gay and trans women. Not to celebrate, no; but to connect, and to capture a slice of their history. And to prove that they’re just like everyone else. By MARELISE VAN DER MERWE.

“I liked ‘Sobriquet’,” quips photographer Zunia Boucher-Myers, when asked about the choice of name for her latest series, “but I couldn’t pronounce it.”
That’s what you get when you speak to Boucher-Myers: to expect the unexpected. And that’s what’s behind her photographic series Embodiment, which – just in time for women’s month – aims to capture gay and trans women in their natural habitat. Those women who, in Boucher-Myers’ words, “slip under the radar”, lost in the everyday. Those who don’t stick out and whom you might not have noticed living around you but who simply exist, being as average as possible – with one difference.

She wanted to capture the unexpected, where it wasn’t supposed to be seen.
Boucher-Myers has enormous respect for the work of pioneer artists such as Zanele Muholi, whose work was (in)famously denounced as a perversion by former Minister of Arts and Culture Lulu Xingwana, and the “delightful” Ivan Coyote, whose much-circulated performance poem ‘To the Femmes’ praises the “invisible” lesbians who don’t fit gay stereotypes and therefore have to declare their sexuality verbally on a regular basis, often not to be taken seriously. But Boucher-Myers does not view herself as an activist per se, rather as a person in search of her tribe. She wants to find what isn’t usually seen, capture what generally goes unnoticed.

And it’s not hard to believe. Boucher-Myers herself looks deeply conventional: nails neatly painted, neatly coiffed greying hair, impeccable manners, mum of one, co-owning a successful business, namely the restaurant at the Avontuur wine estate in Somerset West. For the most part of her existence, she lived as a conservative, deeply religious Christian heterosexual.
And then the woman she refers to as “Special K” walked into her life, just in time for her 40th birthday seven years ago.

“Many things changed for me,” she says, in what one presumes is the understatement of her life. “Some things were damaged beyond repair - friends that walked out of my life because of my newfound sexuality - but some things changed for the better by infinite measures. I found my voice, which had been lying dormant my whole life.” She became interested in a more creative career path, and began exploring various means of self-expression.

But, she adds, she was also met with an unfortunate silence in some of the areas where she most wanted dialogue.

“What was glaringly obvious to me at that time was that there were no obvious lesbian role models in my immediate community,” she says. “Perhaps naively I imagined that I could go into the library or pick up a gay magazine at my local book store and find some sort of order or guideline for my rapidly changing life. But there was nothing. And so the search began to find my people, or more realistically, to find out about the community I was aligning myself with.”

It was a search that occurred behind the lens, mostly, but it was a revealing one. “My search for connection made me realise that so many of the gay women I know live very quiet lives,” she says. “Lives that for all intents and purposes go unnoticed and under the radar.”

But once she began advertising for models, the response was enormous, delivering a mass of volunteers from all over the country, aged from their twenties to their seventies. “What I wanted to capture was gay women in their immediate environment, the place where they felt most happy or with the person or people who mattered most. Environmental portraiture, if you will. And the response was overwhelming,” she says.
“What started as a small idea has grown into a historical documentary capturing the face of lesbians in South Africa.

“The mothers, daughters, activists, those trying to adopt or have babies, those who are pregnant, those on the cusp of marriage. Those who have lost a loved one. Those still in transition. These women have put a face where the label used to be for me.”

It was a step up from the library, certainly: the days of being locked up with Virginia Woolf, Vita Sackville West and Radcliffe Hall – and later she found a home in the local gay community, becoming an administrator of the Cape Town Lesbians organisation, which has grown exponentially in the last few years, now housing 5,000 members and hosting regular social and support events for them all over Cape Town.

Now, she believes, it’s crucial for the arts to move into a new area, especially where gender is concerned. Queer arts have for too long been boxed into heteronormative labels, she says – and it’s damaging.
“The stereotypical ‘dyke’ and ‘femme’ labels are archaic,” she says. “Out with the old and in with the new. New labels have evolved to capture our sexual fluidity. Hence the birth of Embodiment. Synonyms for ‘embodiment’ are also personification, label or picture - labels that we wear daily as gay women.

“For me personally, the label ‘lesbian’ is one that I do not wear with aplomb yet. I am much more than one simplistic sobriquet. I am many characteristics that do not shout ‘I am a lesbian’ at all.”

While depictions of queers in the arts and popular media have often focused on difference as a source of pride, and Boucher-Myers believes there is nothing wrong with that, she wants to include sameness, too, believing the mundane, the everyday, to also be an important source of inspiration. “My hope is that by taking these photos, capturing the day-to-day lives, doing the same things everyone else does; our interconnectedness, our ‘sameness’, our humanness, is exposed. And in so doing, perhaps make a difference in some way,” she says. “What I have learnt is that we all want the same things: a home, financial security, but mostly we want to be loved. And surely ‘loved’ is the ultimate designer label, one we should all be allowed to wear fearlessly, confidently and with joy?”

But isn’t that activism, then? Boucher-Myers isn’t anti-activism, she corrects. “In large part, this series does ask: What does it mean to be a lesbian in South Africa today? Who are the activists, the torch-bearers, and the voices of freedom? In a constitution where we are offered the same rights as our heterosexual counterparts, we have the liberty to marry whomever we choose. Or do we? On paper, freedom does not necessarily filter down to the everyday man or woman in the street, and hate crimes and prejudice are still widespread.

“There are some incredible voices that have risen out of the LGBTI darkness in South Africa; men as well as women…But this project was born out of a need to connect.

“I hope to show a softer side that has not been seen before. I want to dissect the antiquated ‘lesbian’ label that is no longer appropriate. We have evolved and changed…so many of us live sans obvious labels. I want to show us all in our multifaceted glory. I want to debunk the myth.”

From a technical point of view, Boucher-Myers keeps it as simple as possible: natural light, simple surroundings (“wherever the person is most happy or most comfortable”), letting the environment dictate the image. “I work quickly and instinctively,” she says. “The longest part is usually the filling in of the model release forms.

“I shoot with minimal equipment. A Canon 1100D, three lenses, two filters and two reflectors. I work alone, for the most part, or on the odd occasion have my son or fiancée holding the reflector boards for me. I don’t use a tripod.”

Photo: Zunia Boucher-Myers by Germaine de Larch.

So what’s next? Boucher-Myers recently exhibited Embodiment at the Bossa gallery at the Old Biscuit Mill, and will be exhibiting at other venues in South Africa in the upcoming months. She also plans to publish the series in book form.

Her next project is called Changeling, photographing pre-teens and adolescents in transition. “I love their gawkiness, all arms and elbows. Freckles and big eyes. So grown up and yet so innocent,” she says. “The images are a snapshot of a time that is fleeting and so dear. I am always amazed at how they change right after and I am always so thankful to have recorded their transition.” DM

* If you would like to be involved in funding Boucher-Myers’ upcoming projects or would like to model, Tweet her at @zeepix. You can visit her photographic blog and keep abreast of upcoming exhibition details athttp://thebholder.blogspot.com
Read more:

What makes a woman? Interview with Zunia Boucher-Myers onLandnSand

Photos: From the Embodiment series

Embodiment, not just a label

2014-06-26T12:30:00.000+02:00

When Special K walked back into my life nearly seven years ago many things changed for me.

Some things were damaged beyond repair (friends that walked out of my life because of my new found sexuality) and some things changed for the better by infinite measures.

One of them being that I found my voice which had lain dormant my whole life.

What was glaringly obvious to me at that time was that there were no obvious lesbian role models in my immediate community.

Perhaps naively I imagined that I could go into the library or pick up a gay magazine at my local book store and find some sort of order or guideline for my rapidly changing life.

But there was nothing.

I had read every book written on and about Virginia Woolf, Vita Sackville West and Radcliffe Hall, but I needed something a little closer to home.

And so the search began to find my people, or more realistically, find out about the community I was aligning myself with.

I was very fortunate that very soon after K and I started dating I met a girl who was just starting up a gay website and a Facebook group solely for Cape Town Lesbians.

Through her I was given the opportunity to write and later on become an administrator of this rapidly expanding group. From meagre beginnings this group now has over 4800 members an active committee and a constitution.

Over the years I have contemplated many L.G.B.T issues, been affected by the violence shown to my gay sisters in the townships, and pondered about the many labels we consciously and subconsciously wear daily.

What does it mean to be a lesbian in South Africa today? Who are the activists, the torch bearers, and the voices of freedom?

In a constitution where we are offered the same rights as our heterosexual counterparts, we have the liberty to marry whomever we choose. Or do we?

That on –paper- freedom does not necessarily filter down to the everyday man or woman in the street and hate crimes and prejudice is still widespread.

There are some incredible voices that have risen out of the L.G.B.T darkness in South Africa, men, as well as women. One of the most visual has to be Zanele Muholi who has made it her life’s work to put a face on the hate crimes the rest of the world tries to ignore. Those who have been beaten into submission or death in the townships. Her work is an ongoing legacy to the black L.G.B.T community and the courage that is needed daily to survive in that hostile environment.

My search for connection made me realize that so many of the gay women I know live very quiet lives. Lives for all intents and purposes that go unnoticed and under the radar.

For me personally, the label ‘lesbian’ is one that I do not wear with aplomb, yet.

I am much more than one simplistic sobriquet.

I am feminine, a mother, have longish nails; and many other characteristics that do not shout ‘I am a lesbian’ at all.

I have to come out daily, just like the delightful Ivan Coyote praises in her moving tribute ‘To the Femmes’.

The stereotypical ‘dyke’ and ‘femme’ labels are archaic and as is wont with humans, out with the old and in with the new, new labels have evolved to try to capture our ever changing nature and sexual fluidity.

Hence the birth of my photographic project called ‘Embodiment’

It was borne out of a need to connect, to find my tribe and on this life changing journey to discover who I really am.

I put it out on social media and asked for lesbians to contact me should they want to be photographed.

What I wanted to capture was gay women in their immediate environment, the place where thy felt most happy or with the person or people who mattered most.

Environmental portraiture, if you will.

And the response was overwhelming.

What started as a small idea has grown into a historical documentary capturing the face of lesbians in South Africa.

The mothers, daughters, activists, those trying to adopt or have babies, those who are pregnant, those on the cusp of marriage. Those who have lost a loved one. Those in transition.

These women have put a face where the label used to be for me.

And what I have learnt is that we all want the same things;

A home, financial security, but mostly we want to be loved.

And surely ‘loved’ is the ultimate designer label, one we should all be allowed to wear fearlessly, confidently and with joy?

My hope is that by taking these photos, capturing the day to day lives, doing the same things everyone else does; our interconnectedness, our ‘sameness’, our humanness, is exposed.”

And in so doing, perhaps make a difference in some way.

(I intend to hold exhibitions around the country, as I will be photographing women in all our provinces. I also intend to publish the pictures.

If you would like to be photographed please message me)

You can see my work on my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/ZeePix of my photography blog http://thebholder.blogspot.com.

Viva Nelson, Viva!!

2013-12-20T08:00:00.000+02:00

Unless you live under a rock in the middle of the dessert, you could not have but been affected by the passing of Nelson Mandela.

So much has been written about the freedom fighter/activist/humanitarian that my words will merely join the ocean of words already spoken and written about him.

However, one cannot be unmoved by the universal outpouring that we have witnessed and it has made me look at so many things in my life that have directly and indirectly influenced by this man,.

Growing up as a teenager in Johannesburg in the 80’s, during the ‘state of emergency’, one was exposed to and witness many acts that were unjust, inhumane, unforgettable and unforgivable.

As a teenager that skirted the fringes of society, not mainstream, I saw many things.

I lived in a relatively conservative albeit eccentric household that was inhabited by a detached British colonialist, an over controlling Afrikaner boere Tannnie, a fucked up drug taking punk rocker and me.

My dysfunctional family were many things but fence sitters they were not.

My Mother probably was the most outspoken of us all, and had much to say about ’that terrorist Mandela’ She put the fear of God into me at the thought of F.W getting his way and releasing the man. God forbid!

Luckily my education in politics was balanced by my schooling which was at one of the most liberal . The National school of the arts, as it is now known, was merely called ‘the art, ballet, drama and music school’ back then and was but a stone’s throw from W.I.T.S University, the political hotbed for radicals and insurgents at the time.

I would love to say that I ran with a radical crowd, ones that caused problems for the government but alas, I cannot. My crowd was one already marginalized and for some of us we had our own freedom to negotiate. Being gay in the 1980’s was against the law, punishable by jail time. And we already knew how it felt to be ridiculed, mocked and physically and verbally abused.

Being marginalized gives one an empathy and a thirst for justice that goes beyond color or creed. It also gave me a deep seated fear of authority figures and men in groups (unless they are wearing tight shorts, are shirtless, covered in glitter and sporting feather boas)

Our conversations then touched on the political, the choices we would make if given, our lives, budding sexuality, romance and all the teenage angst one could hope for.

Just like any normal teenager of any generation.

But there was more to it.

Around us our male friends were being conscripted and the fun loving devil-may-care youngsters with their crazy hairstyles and make up were being replaced by numb looking shorn shadows of their former selves.

There was a lot to fight for. Just not what the N.P government had in mind.

Music has through the ages been used to incite, to inspire and to tell the story of its generation. And for us Rodriguez captured our hearts and imagination, and the fact that his music was banned (all the good music was!) merely added to its desirability. We would swap tapes and copy them on our tape decks at home. Oh the sadness if your tape got chewed and your copy was destroyed!

Along with Rodriguez's music the song that encapsulates my youth and my earliest memory of Mandela must be ‘The Specials –Free Nelson Mandela’

I loved this song. I loved it so much I would play it in my Mom's Toyota against her serious reprimands and unwavering raised eye brow. The fact that she let me play the song is testimony to her patience and love of me I guess.

Mandela’s freedom is deeply entwined with my own. I only realize this now.

Young lesbians and the deliciously termed ‘baby dykes’ of today have absolutely no idea of what we faced growing up.

Today, because of Mandela, same sex couples in love can walk down the road holding hands, they can kiss if they so wish and wonder of wonders, they can even marry, have children or adopt.

For a queer woman who has lived through the apartheid regime, the emergency years, the liberation of our constitution, Mandela’s legacy is one of true love and emancipation.

Fear once kept us in the dark. Holding hands under the table or carefully kissing good night, for fear of reprimand, or worse. We all had gruesome stories of violence to share over glasses of red wine and Black Labels. Gay night clubs went underground and there was always the reality of being raided.

Today our constitution upholds our right to family life, religious tolerance and sexual freedom.

His freedom meant we too were liberated.

In his own words ‘No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

I never realized just how imprisoned my own fear had made me. In the early days of my relationship I was often racked by thoughts of being hurt, raped or my child suffering at the hand of some faceless tormentor, because of me and my choices.

Over time I have come to be strengthened by our liberated and outspoken gay youth. By role models living ‘out’ and by those who have gone before me, the ‘Older Wiser Lesbians’ that I have befriended who have taught me so much by sharing their stories of courage, love and life.

If a man who was imprisoned for 21 years can let go of his hatred, forgive his persecutors and learn to love his oppressors, then perhaps I can live without fear…. And walk hand in hand, down the street, with my fiancé.

Just as Madiba had intended.

So just like him I too have realised that 'courage is not the absence of fear, but the truimphs over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers it.

Viva, Nelson. Viva.

(Mirror) Reflection

2013-11-25T16:00:00.000+02:00

As is my habit for this time of the year, November is a time for taking stock and inner reflection.

Questions like ‘ have you ticked off your to-do list for 2013’ come to mind and this is the part where I either smile brightly or nod my head from side to side. If some task has remained un ticked I will add it to the front page of 2014’s diary (already purchased), where all my goals are written neatly, waiting to be ticked off!! I really am not anal. I just like lists.

Over the years my goals have changed significantly. With exception of the one or two that are there year in and year out, never having the joy of joining those that make it to the other side, so to speak.

Except perhaps for this year.

This year I made those changes I have been kicking and screaming and MOANING about for ever so long.

It goes to show, at some point, if you carry on long enough, something shifts and change happens.

This year will go down in the history books, as the year I discovered movement.

The joy of feeling my body respond to physical exercise and the incredible realization that I love it and so does my body.

So much so that my mental health depends on me working up a sweat.

This year is the year where I made the decision to change and stuck to it.

What changed? What was the deciding factor to get me off my butt, get me out of bed in the dark of winter into an ice cold pool or freezing gym studio?

Two things happened.

I collaborated with a photographer in January where I photographed her, and she photographed me.

And the second is I read a quote that went in and stuck.

When Germaine photographed me I was not in a good place, I also knew that I would hate the photos. (sorry G) Having a Gf that has photographed my every move for nearly 6 years, I know what I look like. I do, but when a relative stranger looks at you through the viewfinder, trying to find an angle that will ‘work’ you know you are stuffed. Literally and figuratively.

Misery does not like company

I knew that day that it was now or never. The following day I took a series of nude photographs, to remind me that what I saw in the mirror would never be seen again.

The quote I read was one of the million memes seen on Facebook and Pintrest daily, except that I was perhaps more than ready to get the message.

The quote read ‘If you are tired of starting over, stop giving up’. So basic, so simple, so right for me at that moment and I realized that I am a wonderful starter, not a good finisher and in that simple truth lay may answer.

Who says Pintrest can't change your life?

I now know that I will continue to exercise only because I have found what I really like doing.

I love water and music; hence aqua aerobics gets my week days off to a fantastic start every Monday at 7 am. Tai chi and my brilliant teacher, calms my restless spirit and grounds me Tuesdays and Thursdays. My personal trainer who served his time in Afghanistan gets me sweating on a Wednesday and I am reminded of him for the next few days! And I end off on a Friday with stretch or aqua, depending on my schedule.

I have also put into practice the years of dieting and reading and yo-yoing and have made some changes to my food choices.

I have practically stopped drinking. Actually I stopped for nearly four months, but I am only human people, so I do have the occasional glass of tipple.

And I eat a very high protein diet.

It works for me.

The days of my sugar levels spiralling out of control are a thing of the past. I have sustained energy and I hardly hurt anybody any more in my rush to get something to eat.

I know that for me it will always be a reality that I watch what I eat. I prefer cutting out the wheat and the sugars. I like how I feel.

I do however really love a chocolate pastry or fresh Portuguese roll on occasion, and know that I won’t feel that good later. But I think that a 80/20 rule is a good one to live by and I try to maintain that for my peace of mind and general well-being.

I like that I have stuck to my goals this year. And it wasn't just about losing weight, it was about finding me.

My motto of making small, meaningful, sustainable changes, has definitely paid off.

Then, now...

Perhaps the new year will see another photographic collaboration, this time, I guarantee it, my smile will be genuine. Plus there is nothing quite as satisfying as drawing a line through a goal accomplished!

Getting Abreast of Yourelf

2013-10-14T13:54:00.000+02:00

As you all (should) know by now, October is Breast Cancer awareness month, and as you should also know by now, I will ALWAYS highlight this fact.

My Mom died of every kind of cancer known to mankind so I have firsthand knowledge of the evil that cancer is, and the damage it does to our bodies, lives and loves.

The top ten cancers among South African women (excluding skin cancers) are:

1. Breast cancer – Lifetime risk of 1in 33

2. Cervical cancer – Lifetime risk of 1in 39

3. Primary site unknown* – Lifetime risk of 1in 104

4. Colorectal cancer – Lifetime risk of 1in172

5. Kaposi Sarcoma – Lifetime risk of 1in 430

6. Melanoma – Lifetime risk of 1in 297

7. Oesophageal cancer – Lifetime risk of 1in 297

8. Non Hodgkin Lymphoma – Lifetime risk of 1in 343

9. Lung cancer – Lifetime risk of 1in 259

10. Ovarian cancer – Lifetime risk of 1in 394

Those are quite scary stats, in fact it has been said that by the year 2030, 78% of the population will have cancer.

So how can we change this very frightening possibility?

According to C.A.N.S.A, you can make a difference if you follow these tips:

1. Know your family history of breast cancer.

2. Eat smart and healthily. This means avoid junk foods and include more fresh fruits and vegetables in your diet. I like to think that anything inn a packet should be excluded from your diet.

3. Exercise more and stress less. Exercise builds immunity and strength and makes you feel amazing (all those endorphins) This in turn helps you to cope better and to manage your stress levels more efficiently.

4. Stop smoking and drink less alcohol. The link between tobacco, alcohol and cancer is an established one. You would be foolish to ignore that.

5. Touch yourself more. YES, you read that correctly. After your period make a date with your breasts monthly. Your own observations of how your breasts change could save your life. Women over 35 should have a mammogram at least every three years.

6. Go for regular check-ups and have PAP smears once a year.

7. Encourage all your female friends, your family members, sisters and your Mom to do the same.

Don’t become a stat. Don’t say ‘I wish I had not been so tired/lazy/bored that I had done my monthly breast exam and picked up the changes earlier.

You have two powerful tools at your disposal..

Use them.

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Dirt Road...

2013-09-26T10:58:00.000+02:00

Have I fallen off the edge of the world, you must be wondering..?

No, indeed, my silence has a joyful ring to it, not a nasty dark edge.

I have been busy on some alternative projects. It has been such a blast writing, photographing and getting my work published that I have not spent any time with you!

Forgive me.

Below is the link to one of my articles, about road trips that I recently did which was published in the Landnsand magazine.

Travelling not too far from home, but just far enough to feel as if I had had a little break and returned refreshed and inspired.

I love road tripping and find that the little pieces of my soul that the daily grind of work and responsibility erodes, returns intact to me. I am so lucky that I have the perfect road tripping partners. My son and Special K. But this time I went solo, as I had just celebrated my birthday and felt the need to spend some time alone.

What is it about the open road, fantastic music and a tank full of petrol that inspires me?

I think that it is my firm belief that I am never lost. Every road is an adventure and holds countless possibilities.

I have been asked if I am never afraid. Being on the open road with nothing for miles? And the honest answer is no, I have never been afraid. That is not to say that I am not hyper vigilant and super aware of my environment. I do not take my sex or my position in my country for granted. South Africa has the highest rape statistics in the world after all. So I would be foolish to think that I am invincible.

But I have never let my gender stop my adventure.

I think that we so often overlook the beauty on our back stoop. Looking overseas for inspiration and creativity. Yet not two hours from my back door I have met the most interesting characters, seen the most imaginative art and experienced the most breathtaking natural beauty.

I have come to realize that a successful road trip or any trip for that matter starts from a place of curiosity and confidence.

Without curiosity you would not leave your sitting room and without confidence you would not deviate from the path.

Curiosity has opened up so many doors for me, and confidence has led me to make conversation which has eventually blossomed into friendships.

Perhaps holding a camera in my hand gives me a sense of self-assurance that I would miss if I was empty handed. Photography, after all is the reason I am on my adventures in the first place. My camera has broken the ice many times, allowing me to enter spaces and strike up conversations with an ease that only holding a camera can. And I am learning to overcome my shyness (which I still have occasionally) and ask more often than not if I can take a photo if the urge strikes.

I intend to spend more time on the road in future. With my camera at the ready and the wind in my hair, anything is possible.

Watch this space…

http://www.landnsand.co.za/magazine/item/19-june-july-2013

Am I a Woman? Answers follow...

2013-08-06T11:28:00.000+02:00

Yes I know, Kittens, I have not written IN AGES!! And I am so sorry. But with running a business, being a single mom, working on getting buff for summer and just generally being awesome I have let my blog posts slip. I apologise.

But to make up I have a fabulous post written by a highly creative writer, Ulla Kelly who is the editor of a new digital magazine called 'Landnsand'

For Women's month, Landnsand are highlighting those of the feminine persuasion and they have chosen to interview me.
Here follows the interview. You can also click onto their link and read their fabulous magazine (you can like them on FB an Twitter too)

'If you're already one of our readers, or follow us on any of our social networks, Zunia Boucher-Myers will be familiar to you. She is, of course, a LandnSand writer. She lists her hobbies as co-owner and chef of the Avontuur Estate Restaurant,photographer and a long list of other things you will find out as you read. I decided to ask her a few rather irreverent questions (and some serious ones), so I did a Q&A session with her. With her tongue firmly in cheek and her eye on the proverbial ball, I give you ... Zunia. Please send her back in good condition when you're done.

Are you really a woman?
Define woman? If you mean am I of the feminine persuasion, who multitasks and is capable of extraordinary accomplishments in a day. Then yes, I am she.
 Prove it.
How much time do you have? So I shall keep it simple. I am a mother, sister, daughter, entrepreneur, business woman, artist, photographer, chef, motivational speaker, poet, writer, gym bunny, Tai chi practitioner, wine buff, mentor and muse. Enough said.
  What are your thoughts on Women's Day in South Africa?
I think it is a paltry drop in an ocean that needs drastic change. Giving the SA public a day off to ‘celebrate’ women is, in fact, farcical. Women are in many impoverished communities the main bread winner and they do not in fact take the day off, if given a choice. Looking at the rape statistics in our country, which are by the way the highest in the world, indicates that there is absolutely NO honouring of women in our land. We live in a state of perpetual crisis and disharmony.
 Where were you during the struggle?
I was a young girl, studying fine art and photography. Going to dodgy night clubs, and hanging out with Wits lefties. It was a very interesting time.
 What changes have you seen, for South African women, between 1994 and now?
As a feminist I think that a lot of doors have opened for women, but not enough. Politically there are many dynamic women that are taking centre stage, Helen Zille and Patricia de Lille to name but two of many. Constitutionally women can now marry if they are gay, which is great. Practically this means little if you are a lesbian in a black community. ‘Corrective rape’ is a uniquely South African term for ‘changing ‘ lesbians back into heterosexuals by raping them. On a more positive note, I think that there are many more female entrepreneurs who have seen a gap and taken the bold move of going for it. You will find women in every sector of the job market now. Just looking at Margaret Hirsch, who won the title of Business woman of the year, one can see that anything is possible. She was fired after her boss at the time found out she was pregnant, so she and her husband started a business repairing washing machines and fridges. Today they have businesses around the world and have a billion rand business in SA. Not bad for a toaster sales lady ( her words!)
 What are the most important issues facing us in 2013?
As a business woman, for me the most pressing issues are financial. How to succeed in a business where you are only as good as your last plate of food and people remember what went wrong, not went right! Also growth, personally, business wise and most importantly impacting the growth of my employees and my son. How can I make a difference?
 What's it like being a female chef?
The same as being a male chef except with boobies. Seriously, sexism exists everywhere. Perhaps it is just a little more obvious in a kitchen where you are dealing with adrenalin, deadlines and dangerous equipment. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
 Do you face the same advantages/disadvantages as a female business owner and a photographer?
If you work hard, show up, and do your best, you will be a winner. In every situation, this is my motto. From cooking to photography. No one ever made a million by hoping the job would get done. I have cried many tears, and wanted to quit many times, but I never have. The person who wins, is the person who perseveres. Yes, contacts and networking are a great advantage and you have to work at gaining people's trust, but that takes time and you have to be consistent to make a difference. I have never let the fact that I am a woman stop me, in fact, it has made me fearless.
The million dollar question - what makes a woman?
The ability to be many things at any given time. To be ever-changing, from a gossamer wing, to an iron-clad fist. To be a nurturer, educator, lover, disciplinarian, playmate. To be everything and nothing. What makes a woman? To have the ability to put others first, no matter how exhausted you are, and to love people in spite of our pain.

So there it is. I think it's great. What do you think?

http://www.landnsand.co.za/blog/item/79-what-makes-a-woman-zunia-boucher-myers
http://www.landnsand.co.za/magazine

(S) Hero's to the Rescue!

2013-06-25T15:30:00.000+02:00

I absolutely LOVE female comic book hero's, or as I like to call them 'Shero's.'

Is this not a great, modern, yet retro image with such a powerful message?

In 1960, 1 in 60 women had breast cancer in the USA, today that number is 1 in 8. In South Africa the number is 1 in 13.

Touching your breasts more regularly (so that you can tell what is 'normal' to you or not) is key to early diagnosis. Which could save your life.

Breast cancer is sneaky, mean and a killer. The good news is it is one of the easiest cancers to diagnose and to cure.

Put on your cape ladies, warm your hands, and touch your breasts more often.

(Follow the link at the bottom of the page if you are unsure or do not know the steps to take. )

http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/testing/types/self_exam/bse_steps?gclid=CJT3ofSl_7cCFbMbtAodbzIAtQ

Getting it Together...

2013-04-27T16:37:00.000+02:00

So my birthday has come and gone and I am glad to report, no ecstatic would be a better word, that I am not the same person I was last year.

Last year if you remember correctly, I hit the ‘I am growing old and will soon die’ blues and it hit hard.

So hard in fact, that I wrote a number of blogs about this topic as well as ones about depression.

What I have learnt, as there is always a lesson, is that:

1. Thank God people change.

2. Unless you make a stand against all that you are rallying up against, as Einstein put it, you are an idiot for expecting your non action to make a difference. So I made some changes.

So my misery brought me many tears but also some astounding insights and lessons.

This year I have faced my birthday with joy and have been surrounded by love and the people that really matter.

I have lost 10 kilograms as I have become physical and not only employed a personal trainer but upped my sporadic visits to the gym to every day. Unless there is a drama, I am working or I am ill.

Not because I have to. But because I want to.

I have discovered that being physical, doing water aerobics, Tai Chi and the circuit has made me more aware of my body. In a way that I had forgotten since childhood.

We are meant to move, dance, and be physical. But my body remembered and has thanked me for it every day since the beginning of the year. I have actually relished the feeling of my muscles feeling tender or laughing and feeling my stomach muscles say ‘ouch!’

The biggest lesson is that I have to do what I love or I will not sustain it. Also getting out of bed in the dark, in winter and in the cold and rain has been a supreme act of will.

I will never become that person again.

I will ensure that the small meaningful changes I started to put into practise last year will ensure a solid foundation for health, not only now, but as I do grow older.

The fact that I have been doing Tai Chi, twice a week for almost a year is miraculous. For me.

But doing what you love and what makes you feel strong, healthy and full of life, is how we are meant to feel and be.

As for the habits of a lifetime and the knowledge that I can revert back to them as quickly as you can say ‘pass the chocolate brownies, please’?

One step at a time. One class at a time.

One bite at a time.

I am loving who I am growing into, and know that at last this is where I am meant to be.

Happy in my skin.

At peace with my changing body.

In love with my life.

Happy Birthday 2013

2013-04-16T10:27:00.001+02:00

On the eve of my birthday I am feeling so grateful.

Grateful for overcoming a really intense, lesson laden past year. Grateful to have 'gotten' some of the lessons, to have met and made new friends along the way.

For a deeper love and understanding not only for those in my life, but for myself.
And I am excited my outer transformation, which reflects my inner changes.

Here is to a beautiful new year, I am ready!

Image thanks to http://dailydoitgirl.tumblr.com/

A Ring for All Seasons...

2013-04-09T09:00:00.000+02:00

Getting Married...'coz We can.

2013-04-04T09:00:00.000+02:00

As a young girl I had a scrap book that I filled with images that I painstakingly cut out of magazines of beautiful ladies dressed as brides. And of course ideas and tips for brides maids, flowers, and the wedding itself.

But mostly my focus was on the dress that I was one day going to wear.

Fast forward as one does to adulthood and as I look back, I am acutely aware that for me marriage meant the wedding dress.

At no point have I ever been concerned about the day after the wedding or very much else. My ‘happy ever after’ was dependent on that dress, that’s for sure.

Now that Special K has ‘put a ring on it’, I am reminded once more of a) my love of all things white and puffy, and b) my reluctance to go through with it.

Backtrack a bit so that I can give you some history.

I have in fact been engaged before. Well, to be 100% honest and in the spirit of disclosure, five times in fact. Not including, ahem, this time. (I have the scrap books filled with wedding paraphernalia to prove it…)

And no, I have never actually gotten married.

And no, I have also never kept the rings. I should have, as Zsa Zsa Gabor once said when asked about the many times she had been engaged, and if she gave the rings back. Her answer? "Of course dahlink, but first, you take out all the diamonds.”

In my favour, this time, I have one very clever Kookie on my side, who knows that I balk at the slightest provocation and have been known to run for the hills before any mention of tuille, icing or gift registry.

No, this lady aint called ‘Special K‘ for nothing.

There has been no mention of weddings, receptions, parties, or even honeymoons. Instead there has been a casual mention in passing of a surprise elopement and a ‘visit’ to Venice. It appears she knows me well and in this knowing, has understood my only fault.

Yes, the one that pretends to ‘like my space’ and who ‘craves freedom’ and also needs to ‘be alone’. My ‘Gaboresqueness’ is but a triviality to be accepted and ignored!

I love this about her.

Her casual acceptance of my darkest fears, her ability to put my torments underfoot and show me the minute scale of my demons.

Her unconditional love.

In this month and a bit of all the hoo-ha of the Americans trying to figure out who can marry and who can’t.

I am genuinely glad that I can.

I am starting to understand that marriage is not a heterosexual right but a human one.

And in understanding that and honoring it, I am blessed to be able to have the choice of a gown, a party, a bridesmaid and a piece of paper that makes my reality, my relationship, valid in the eyes of not only the government but also valid in my community, or any community I find myself in.

The validity of my relationship is no less important because there is a penis missing in the equation.

The strength of my love is no less real because we are both women.

The commitment we have made is as binding, as serious and as deep as any I know.

Our blessing is that we can show it, we can share it and we can get married if that is our choice.

And why should it not be?

As for my phobia of actually stepping on to that red carpet to the strains of ‘here comes the bride...’?

Because NOTHING is normal about this relationship or engagement, I have a feeling that the next time we discuss this; it will be from the back of a Venetian gondola with the sound of sweet Opera wafting on the breeze....

International Women's Day Tribute..

2013-03-09T08:30:00.000+02:00

In honour of International Women’s Day, I thought it only apt to pay tribute to the women in my life, past and present that have inspired, impressed, inflamed and amused me.

This is my homage…

In no particular order:

1. Yo-Landi Vi££er – From ‘Die Antwoord” for her sheer guts and cuter than cute hot pants.

2. Vita Sackville West – my first real Lesbian crush. Known for her magnificent gardens and her book, ‘Orlando’ and her scandalous affair with Violet Trefusis and Virginia Woolf.

3. Eartha Kitt- for her smouldering voice that moved a young teen to aching distraction.

4. Dorothy Surrenders- fabulous writer/blogger/social commentator who continues to inspire me almost daily. Follow her on http://dorothysurrenders.blogspot.com/

5. Ellen DeGeneres- the first ‘open’ and honest Lesbian to hit the media in modern times. Her relationship and marriage to Portia de Rossi is an inspiration to gay and straight couples alike. Not only is she gorgeous, she is screamingly funny.

6. Oprah- Inspired beyond measure. What she has done for the world’s collective soul will send her straight to Heaven. Plus she shared her cover with Ellen. Need I say more..?

7. My Mother. For the love, patience and humour she blessed me with. For the lessons I learnt about death and dying, her fist shaking courage, the way she rocked ‘wearing’ no hair, but mostly her grace in the face of that unyielding foe, Cancer.

8. My ‘Mentor/Tormentor, Melanie. Friend, business partner, the mother of my God child, at times enemy but mostly the most honest and unflinching teacher I have ever had. To her I owe a lifetimes gratitude.

Big M, does not like photo's , horses are her favourite and she would approve of this beautiful pic to represent her.

9. The ‘Recreation Centre Ladies’; Miss Merle, Miss Helena, Miss Marion. Each one of these Misses was in fact a Mrs, and have left an indelible mark on my life.

10. And last but not least.. my greatest love. Special K, you have rocked my world, broken my heart, stepped in and let ‘Little Miss Fix It’ do her magic to mend it, grown bunches of beet root and strings of beans for me, acted as peacemaker, smoothed my ruffled feathers, complimented and loved me at my most fat, been my staunchest supporter, documented my life, one click at a time, been the inspiration for my poetry and life. Without you none of this has meaning.

There are of course many, many more wonderful and inspired women out there who have touched my heart. Past and present.

I say Thank You, to every woman who has crossed my path, who has brought gifts of learning, love, friendship and even pain.

Without your presence, no matter how brief or fleeting, I would not be the woman I am today.

Thank you.

Lesbian Bed Death; fact or fiction?

2013-01-30T08:00:00.000+02:00

What is it about ones lover going away for a few days that makes ones blood boil and heart beat faster when they are making their way back to your waiting arms and lips?

I love those rare occasions when my GF leaves home for distant shores and I am ‘single’ for a few nights.

I love the space and the ease at which I find myself again. But before long I start to pine and ache and long for her in all the ‘right’ places.

That being said, our reunions are always joyful and very, very fulfilling.

Which leaves me to ponder the obvious?

Lesbian bed death, fact or fable?

‘B.B.A.L’(before becoming a lesbian) I had never heard the term ‘Lesbian bed death’, I was more familiar with ‘the seven year itch,’ which implies that after seven years or so, one tends to look outside the boundaries of ones established relationship to more greener pastures. ‘A.B.A.L’ (after becoming a lesbian) I learnt that the term ‘Lesbian bed death’ was coined by University of Washington sociologist Pepper Schwartz in her 1983 book called ‘American Couples.’

Schwartz states that more than any other type of couple, lesbians in committed relationships, have the least amount of sexual intimacy. Compared to other couples, 47% of lesbian couples in long term relationships had sex once a month or less. If we do the comparison, only 15% of heterosexual couples report these findings.

Shocking statistics.

Then again how does one capture the essence of female sexuality in such generic terms? Especially when there are so many ways in which to be intimate? The archaic perception of penis and vagina defining sexual intimacy is outdated and certainly not central to lesbian sexuality.

Our sexual complexity has led to criticism being cast on Schwartz’s findings, in recent years, for the very reason that our sexual behaviour has been interpreted too narrowly.

According to lesbian feminist, Marilyn Frye, ‘Schwartz’s comparisons are not accurate, she states. ‘What 85% of long term, married couple’s do more than once a month, takes on average less than eight minutes to do. What we, as lesbians do on average, we do less frequently, but it takes us more than eight minutes to do. Maybe about 30 minutes, at least..’ Frye concludes.

Many lesbians shudder at the very mention of Lesbian bed death, citing their disbelief that it even exists.

This confirms the findings of Masters and Johnson’s 1979 study on lesbian sexual practises. They conclude that lesbian sexual behaviour focusses more on sexual satisfaction, than their heterosexual counterparts.

Lesbians focus more on full body contact, rather than on genital focussed contact. There is less preoccupation or anxiety surrounding orgasm.

More assertiveness and much more communication about sexual needs. Much longer sexual encounters and much higher levels of satisfaction.

Unfortunately many internet sites have profited by the unhappiness of many a lesbian couple believing in the ‘hype’ of lesbian bed death. Advice offered to ‘cure’ lesbian bed death, range from ‘watching porn together to abstaining from having sex for a month, to mention but a few.

The reality is that we get used to each other, no matter what gender or sexual preference we prescribe to.

Comfort brings with it many good things, one of them being familiarity. It is up to us to navigate our way through the natural ‘up’s and down’s’ of our relationship’s journey.

And if there was so much truth to the notion of ‘lesbian bed death’, why is there not more documentation, with more stats and facts?

Surely the more astute pharmaceutical companies would have jumped in by now to fill the gap, so to speak, and provide the female equivalent of Viagra, for lesbians?

No, the good news is that in one of the latest surveys, ‘The 1995 Advocate Survey of Lesbian Sexuality and Relationships,’ shows that lesbian women, in America, had more enjoyable sex than most heterosexual American women.’

Which certainly brings a smile to my face.

Now you tell me, why has this survey not received more media attention than its 1985 counterpart..?

Indeed, sexual drought is a possibility in any lesbian relationship. Or in any other.

The secret is to stay connected, communicate and above all make time to be alone.

Date night is a plus in anyone’s diary and should be scheduled in on a weekly basis!

The glue that holds your relationship together is that which sets you apart from merely being friends.

So, grab that pencil and diary and schedule some much needed ‘getting down time’ with your gal, and let’s put a stop to all those silly ‘lesbian bed death’ rumours collectively.

Origionally published in Alice Magazine visit Alice at www.alicemagazine.co.za

'Time For Rings"

2013-01-23T08:00:00.000+02:00

When Special K said on our fifth anniversary that ‘it was time for rings’ my heart skipped a beat.

Not that engagement is new for us. She asked me within months of our blossoming relationship, and I said no.

Then I asked her, one passion filled and hedonistic stop over at a B&B in Cape Town, only to retract my offer in the morning.

And more recently (roughly two years ago) she returned home after a business trip with a gargantuan ‘ring’ for me, once again proclaiming her love.

She knows me so well.

After slipping her ‘time to get rings’ statement casually into a conversation she just as smoothly moved on to some arbitrary subject about the vegetable garden needing to be watered, and briskly got on with her chores. Leaving me to ponder, once again my wildly beating heart and its cause.

I am no stranger to the search for the ‘perfect’ engagement ring. One which is meant to symbolise the deep love and commitment that the institution of marriage invokes. However, the search for the ultimate ring has in fact symbolised the deeper search for meaning that had always evaded me and left me cold and for the most part single.

Hence the fact that I have always been a bridesmaid, never a bride. I just could never commit, believing that I was about to give up more than I was willing to part with.

And I believed the stakes were just too high.

Until now.

Five years of so much living, loving, highs and lows has started to change my point of view.

When I wrote my first blog in August 2008 called ‘What I know for sure’ http://justnotliketheothers.blogspot.com/2010/08/what-i-know-for-sure.html , I had NO idea of the road our lives would take and the extreme joy and gut-wrenching heartache we would have to endure together, and at times on our own.

Our journey has been one of many lessons learnt..

But what I know for sure five years down the line is this:

1. Great love and great achievement requires GREAT RISK. And that is true. Without stepping out of your comfort zone, you will never truly experience life.

2. Relationships change as do people. The high flying, hitting the wall running early days evolves into a deep and real slow burn that sustains way more than you can imagine.

3. Sexual intimacy is vital as it defines your status as a couple. But this can mean different things to different people. You have to find your comfort zone together.

4. Talk, talk and talk some more. The love of your life is never going to ‘get’ you if you don’t share the real you. Warts and all. Vulnerability, honesty and respect shape the fabric of your relationship profoundly.

5. Hang out together as often as possible. This is an absurd statement in the ‘honeymoon stage’ as all you want to be is together, alone preferably naked. But as you change and grow there is danger in changing and growing apart.

6. Make eye contact and lip contact daily. The small little touches that usually go unnoticed are the little bits of glue keeping you on the right track.

Perhaps for me, my luck is not luck at all in finding the perfect ring. But in finding the perfect person. And that I know for sure.

MindShift

2013-01-03T16:13:00.000+02:00

‘Relationship as a Transformative Path

Never before have intimate relationships called on us to face ourselves and each other with so much honesty and awareness. Maintaining an alive connection with an intimate partner today challenges us to free ourselves from old habits and blind spots, and to develop the full range of our powers, sensitivities, and depths as human beings. In former times, if people wanted to explore the deeper mysteries of life, they would often enter the seclusion of a monastery or hermitage. For many of us today, however, intimate relationships have become the new wilderness that brings us face to face with all our gods and demons.

Most people in our society share a peculiar belief: We imagine that we should be able to establish a rich and satisfying relationship with someone we love even if we have never learned to relate to ourselves in a rich, satisfying way. We imagine that a successful relationship largely depends on finding the right person and doing the right things. We often don't see that how we relate to another is an expression of how we relate to ourselves, that our outer relationships are but an extension of our inner life, that we can only be as open and present with another as we are with ourselves.

The increasingly precarious state of our planet and its inhabitants is calling on us to wake up, revaluate how we are living, and align ourselves with a larger, sacred vision of human life. In these times when our world and our very humanity are increasingly at risk, we need a new kind of grounded spirituality that addresses the challenges of ordinary living and that can transform the quality of life on this planet through being fully embodied in the here-and-now. Fortunately, we have a powerful vehicle close at hand for developing this kind of wisdom - our intimate relations with those we love.’ By John Welwood

This was posted on my Facebook Timeline today by a friend that lives thousands of miles away from me.

Little did she know that everything I have recently gone through, from my ‘midlife crisis’ to my rock bottom depression is to be found as the cornerstone to what she posted.

What a funny year 2012 turned out to be.

For me it was a year of blame and recriminations with everyone else being the persecutor and lil’ole me being the victim. And how did that work for me, you ask?

Not too good.

The reality is, is that I did not want to take ownership of my life or the multitude of changes that comes with growing up or getting older.

My rose tinted glasses had gotten cracked along the way and I was hell bent on wearing them anyway, with the result that everything I looked at became distorted and broken.

And nothing and no one could make me happy. How could they when they were up against the most formidable opponent of them all. My own self destructive inner dialogue/ego/victim mentality.

As my blogs from last year attest, I became more and more caught up with my own propaganda and the reality of my life became one-sided and disjointed.

The change that was sorely needed came on Christmas day. And spiralled on for a week to finally come to a head on the cusp of 2013.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our own heads that the real world and the inhabitants of our lives get left on the side-lines. Our inner and outer worlds become so conflicting, that eventually something has to give.

I am not minimising my experiences of last year or saying that my sadness and depression were not real.

What I AM saying is that a whole lot of misery could have been averted had I practised honesty and communicated with the one on whom all the blame was being levelled.

The first day of 2013 has probably been my happiest in a very long time. Not because I did anything more special than stay at home with the person I love most in this world. And talk.

Opening the doors of communication is sometimes not the easiest thing to do. But once you overcome your fear and real, and meaningful discourse takes place, anything is possible.

Forgiveness. Acceptance. Understanding.

So as I move into a radical mind shift I do so happily, knowing that perhaps the Honeymoon is over, but like cooking, real love should be approached with reckless abandon or not at all.

River Deep or Mountain High

2012-12-29T08:00:00.000+02:00

Here it is. The End of the Year, perhaps even the end of the world as we know it.

But that remains to be seen, so until then I shall continue with my train of thought.

Looking back over the blogs that I tend to write in November/December they share the same starting point and that is an overview of the year that is nearly over and a summary of all that I have experienced, learnt and loved.

This year has been no different. Except perhaps that I have gone deeper into the chasm of joylessness and discomfort.

But I have also come to realise that as Diana Cooper so succinctly put it in her book called ‘A little light on the spiritual laws’, and more recently my readings of the work by Marianne Williamson, in particular ‘The return to love’ is that what is happening on the inside will start to reflect on the outside.

So as you can imagine my sadness and joylessness has eventually taken me down.

And at some point one reaches rock bottom. Which I did a few weeks ago.

No, I was not suicidal or manic. Just overcome by a build-up of too much sadness, heartache, adrenalin and stress that I had swallowed and internalised for far too long, and which, I had hoped would simply go away.

But it never does.

In some people all of the above manifests as illness eventually, in some people substance abuse takes over to numb the obvious.

For me, I have gone grey, ballooned and am filled with a permeating lethargy that has sapped whatever humour was lurking right out of me. This in itself has added to my woes. Ironic, isn’t it?

So what do you do when you hit the bottom of the pond?

You start to gasp for air.

And you realise that if you don’t move, you will surely die and in that moment of absolute clarity you choose the direction you need to take to change your course. And hopefully your life.

Which brings me back to this moment. Sitting here, looking back over the last twelve months I am amazed at all my accomplishments.

In no specific order;

1. I have won a photographic competition and in so doing am now the owner of a really great camera!

2. I have sold my first prints.

3. I have come fourth in a national photographic competition.

4. I have had articles published in magazines and various websites.

5. My blog has had over 75000 hits.

6. I have done two photographic workshops.

7. I have made two photographic books.

8. I have celebrated two special anniversaries. One with my girlfriend (four years) and one at my restaurant (ten years)

9. My Dad turned 90 and is a perpetual source of amusement and irritation.

10. I did a Transcendental meditation course.

11. I was asked to photograph M.C.Q.P. and loved every second!

12. Started doing Tai Chi and have found something that makes my soul sing.

Looking at my list it is obvious that a lot of what has fed my soul is photography.

New friendships have blossomed on Facebook with incredibly talented photographers from around the world. I am so inspired by the ever changing world around me that it is a valuable tool in my healing.

Please forgive my slow drowning over the last year. Unfortunately I looked down into the ‘Swamps of despair’ and was sucked in by my own misery.

I cannot say what will change or shift for me. I guess like everyone who lives and breathes, we intrinsically know what we must do in order to shift the balance.

But fear holds us back.

It has become harder and harder for me to write as I feel such a sell out as I am not ‘happy’ or ‘chatty’ or writing about the world ‘out there’ but am so caught up with the world ‘ in here ‘and it must be getting tired and boring. It is for me!

I have some resolutions for 2013. Last year I decided not to have any.

But this year I want to change my focus. My direction. Me.

So I do have some thoughts.

I want to learn stuff this year. Especially (obviously) more about taking pictures, but also about dealing with things like stress, depression, diet.

I shall not say the word DIET without great trepidation, but it will be something I will be changing. I know so much about it and yet I am living the opposite in every regard.

My days of crazy hedonism are perhaps a thing of the past, and my days of blissful happiness are perhaps just on the horizon.

Either way, it is up to me to make that change and choose where I am going to be for the next 365 days.

Sinking or swimming........

River deep, or mountain high. The choice is mine.

The first print I sold.

P.s Thank you to everyone who has read my blog and especially a big thank you to those who voted for it. #manythanks xx

Original Sin

2012-11-05T13:49:00.002+02:00

Deepak Chopra in his book based on the Karma Sutra, wrote, that the first sin was not sex, it was in fact shame.

When I read this I was profoundly intrigued as I had an insight in that instant, that awakened me to the truth of this statement and how it applied in my life.

For as long as I can remember I have felt guilty or ashamed.

I cannot say that my family were overtly religious or that we attended church except for the perfunctory visit on Christmas day. And only because it was a quaint little chapel, overlooking the azure blue ocean on our annual Christmas holiday. And not because of any real religious reason.

Religion was of course a vital and integral part of my conservative Afrikaans schooling. Right from grade one to grade ten.

And conservative was an understatement.

Being an all-girl school, we were not even allowed to wear trousers!! The fact that we had the most intense physical initiation in our first week of high school, where we had to get up-close and personal with the grade twelve boys from our brother school across the road, made little impact on any one. Except me.

My first boyfriend had a devout Anglican mother and had spent many Sunday mornings doing what all good Anglican choir boys do; passing the time surreptitiously ogling the female members of the congregation.

When we got together and I was introduced to his church, I loved the incense wafting antiquity of it all. As well as the personal blessings and the promise of hope.

But sex was a guilt ridden nightmare.

I loved every second, but hated myself for being so ‘weak’ and suffered hours in torturous contemplation. My ‘sinful’ nature and how I was going to change became a priority.

I often looked at those around me who seemed to float effortlessly through their lives, without any thought to what seemed so obvious to my hyper vigilant nature.

Where was their shame, or guilt, or fear? When I had been lavished with these characteristics in abundance?

Fast forward to having a baby out of wedlock and then horror of horrors, I fell in love with a woman.

If you could have been a fly on the wall of my brain, you would have been caught up in a tsunami of questions, condemnations, reprisals and eventually a fog of numbness as I could not move forward with all those nooses around my neck.

Five years prior I had become a ‘Happy Clapper’ had been baptised in the sea and was living a great life. Almost sin free.

Because I was single, and sex was not an issue.

No longer did I trawl the internet ‘researching’ porn sites; that was all behind me now and a life of weightless, shame free joy was mine.

Until Special K walked in and sent my little boat akimbo!

The fact that I lost friends and went through hell has been well documented and does not form part of this epistle.

It is the meat of my spiritual bones that is calling for nourishment now, and I am caught between that that I have been ‘fed’ my whole life and that which I instinctively feel, no longer applies.

If there was no Heaven or Hell, I would not be driven by this nameless fear. This shameful guilt.

My distress about ‘sinning’ and upsetting the powers that be would be laughed at and I could live my life in such a way that all living creatures, people and life would be celebrated and respected.

Women in my faith would be revered and adored as the life giving ‘mothers’ of the world. These daughters of nations would be cherished.

Love would be encouraged and fear would be off historical significance as it would no longer exist.

But that is the stuff of ‘Never-Neverland’ and the real world is knocking on the door of my every day.

I have no answers and I have no life jacket to travail these waters of uncertainly.

I am not alone in my quest for inner peace and fulfilment. Since time immemorial man has questioned, and we have been fed on a Diet of Lies to quieten us.

The astute thing to do is to not open ones mouth so willingly. Or to swallow so gullibly. And to question everything.

The world as we know it IS changing. That is a certainty.

Where we go to from here is anyone’s guess. But I think that the whole concept of sin and shame is one we as humans will drag along with us, if we do not change our precepts of faith, religion and belief.

And it starts with the concept that we are inherently good. That war turns even the most saintly into a monster and that if given a chance; we would all choose to be loved, rather than feared.

Perhaps I am being naïve.

But it is a place that I need to start from, as it is the place where I will let my shame go.

Will you meet me there?

Sock it TO YA!

2012-10-03T12:09:00.002+02:00

Ahem, so following on from last week's disclosure about my newly found interest in South African music and how well that is going for me, it is time to disclose the second of my new obsessions.

This young lady is not only a phenomenally talented musician (this singer/ rapper plays the piano, writes and performs her own music) but she is also a Princess!

Latoya Buthelezi, has exploded onto the music scene as a fresh, intelligent and talented young woman from Empangeni in Durban. Her great-grandmother was Princess Magogo, the traditional Zulu composer and mother of IFP leader Mangosuthu Buthelezi.

One would think that as a member, no matter how distant, of the royal family her life would be indulged and easy. This has not been the case. Toya has not gone without her share of loss and heartache. At a young age she was put into a catholic boarding school. This was where she learnt to read music and started to play the piano. Writing her own music (as only secular music was allowed) was her means of coping with her circumstances and a means of channelling her feelings.

Playing gigs in Durban and eventually going solo her street cred gained momentum and it was not long after that Sony records showed up knocking on her door.

Her mix of jazz, electro, hip hop, pop, with bass elements coming through from her jazz background, her style is as unique as it is catchy. So too is its commercial viability.

Visually this lady is already setting trends and Reebok has taken her under their wing to be a brand ambassador. Described as ‘Afropolitain’ with her trademark thick rimmed glasses and braided Mohawk, she certainly has broken the mould. Combining retro elements with sneakers and some funky jewelery, this lady has her own unique style and is a natural trend setter.

I just love her look and her sound.

Don't you just love a story about about a princess, a convent, hip hop and success?

I do.

Dynamite called Yo-Landi Vi$$er

2012-09-22T09:30:00.000+02:00

Ok, so I have a mini crush.

Suddenly from not having any interest in South African music, I have developed a weird obsession with not one, but two South African performers.

The first is Yo-Landi Visser (Yo-Landi Vi$$er, born Anri Du Toit)Singer/rapper for the rap-rave band known as Die Antwoord.

Not only is she visually unusual (understatement) but she has this little voice that sings about the most bizarre topics wrapped up in the cutest little body.

Admittedly I have unusual taste. Love her or hate her, they have certainly put SA on the map with their unusual 'zef style'.ZEF' being an Afrikaans term, loosely translated means 'kitch' or common.

I love her white hair and haircut (she says her Mom cuts it), her prepubescent sexuality and her darkness.

See for yourself...

I will let you kn ow about my second obsession, once you have gotten over my first!

x

Shaking Off The Black Dog: 5 tips to ease depression

2012-09-04T13:31:00.000+02:00

As with everything in life, what goes up must come down and visa versa.

My recent downward spiral was as intense as it was short lived and because I have made it part of my life’s work, I looked for the trigger to circumvent that particular button being pushed again.

What I have learnt from my years of living with melancholy/the blues/depression; is that a bout is usually triggered by an event or a verbal interaction in the present, that brings up issues from the past that are not (quite )resolved yet.

The proverbial onion skin of life, the layers upon layers that make us who we are.

People around you who do not experience depression, often make nonsensical statements such as ‘shake it off.’ ‘Just get on with it’ or my favourite, ‘what have you got to be depressed about…?’

Those in the know will understand that there are times that the mere act of breathing takes effort as does getting out of bed, brushing your teeth or going to work. Add children in to the mix and your depleted reserves are soon taxed to the max.

What I have also come to realise, as per my first line, is that one cannot stay on the pond floor for very long. At some point a chink of sunlight is going to touch your face and you are going to find something to make your heart re -awaken.

Here are a few ideas to help you shake off the black dog of depression, which have helped me:

1. Get enough sleep. SERIOUSLY. Lack of sleep can cause similar symptoms as depression (lack of energy, irritability and fatigue)Most of us require at least 8-10 hours of sleep per night and due to our stimuli driven obsessions, go to bed far too late!

2. You are what you eat.. Eating junk food, having too much refined sugars or drinking too much alcohol is going to make you feel worse. Carbohydrates will give you a temporary ‘high’ and make you feel better for a little while, then your sugar levels will bottom out and you will feel even worse than before. Change your food and you will change your life. Add in more raw foods, food with lots of colour- think berries, veggies etc. Adding better foods to your diet will impact on your life positively, over time.

3. Get off the couch and get moving. I have found that doing Tai Chi has made me a happier person. Find something physical that makes you happy. Remember when you were a kid and riding your bike around the neighbourhood with the wind in your hair, made you feel so alive and joy filled? Well, try to find that thing that will inspire you to get out of bed in the dark, in the dead of winter, just for the pleasure of doing it. When you find it, nothing will stop you.

4. Catch some rays! We do not get enough sunlight on our skin. Vitamin D is needed to boost the immune system, helps with bone health and increases brain functioning to name but a few of the suns’ benefits. Also just being outside, in nature, will go a long way to helping you lift your mood. Do remember to respect the sun and not get burned!

5. Nurture yourself. Allow yourself to have the occasional (indulgent) ‘down’ day without feeling guilty. I put the indulgent in inverted commas, as depression is not something we allow or not, it happens without our approval. But instead of always feeling like you must ‘overcome’ it ASAP, sometimes the gentler alternative is allowing yourself the space to sleep the whole day or immerse yourself in fragrant bathwater up to your ears, or listening to evocative music that makes you cry even more. Those days of allowing yourself to just ‘be’ in the moment are as important to your heart and soul as the days when you take up your weapons and fight off the negativity like the true warrior that you are.

Taking my own advice and getting some sun on my face, in nature, doing what I love, taking pictures...

Ophelia Dreaming

2012-08-27T15:03:00.000+02:00

Today I am feeling melancholic.

Sinking into the blues is like walking through water and it gets harder the faster you try to go.

So I am slowing down and trying to stay afloat of what lies beneath the surface, so that I may, by virtue of my inbuilt will to overcome, stay buoyant.

I cannot always be happy. I know this.

I cannot always control what happens to me or how other people behave or treat me or the world.

But what I do know is I can choose how I respond and behave. How I allow people/actions/behaviour/the world to affect me is a choice.

And generally I am strong, I cope, I take it on the jaw and live to see another day. I shake my fist at injustice and I try to do the next right thing or make a difference.

But just for today I am going to do what Sylvia Plath did when she was bitten by the black dog. She ran a bath and submerged herself in it.

Up to her ears, with just her nose sticking out. Listening to the beat of her heart, her steady in and out breath and the the subtle distortions of her life, under water.

I shall submerge myself, metaphorically in poetry and wallow, letting the words wash over my body warmly.

Bringing comfort and healing, washing away the debris of my discontent in fragrant verse.

Tomorrow I will emerge, washed clean, ready to fight another day.

Tangled Tree, a Wine for all Seasons

2012-08-06T17:00:00.002+02:00

Meet my newest favourite wine!

I am always on the lookout for a wooded Chardonnay that has more to it than just overpowering wood and not much else..

Well, here it is!

And what's more there is a story behind it.

I quote verbatim from their website:

‘If trees could speak, what stories they could tell!

This is certainly true of the botanical collection to be found in the tranquil garden at Van Loveren. Their tales would weave the chapters of a unique South African heritage – enticing chronicles of a family, of change and growth.

One of these is the anecdote of the Karee tree planted in the 1940's. Jean Retief had ordered a hardy Rhus lancea sapling from a nursery in far-off Natal. When it finally arrived by train at the tiny Klaasvoogds railway station, some local farmers recognised the tiny specimen as a Karee, a fairly common tree.

Jean however, disagreed and insisted the newcomer was what she'd ordered. To settle the dispute, her husband Hennie fetched a branch from a Karee growing by the river and planted it beside Jean's Rhus lancea. The two turned out to be identical.

Over the years the pair has grown entwined and become a symbol of enduring love, reflecting the life Jean and Hennie spent side by side on the farm.

These trees and their symbolism provided the inspiration for the Tangled Tree range of wines. The wines represent the commitment of the farmers and winemakers of Van Loveren to conservation, and the Retief family's deep respect for nature.”

You can read the rest of their story here and it is absolutely worth the visit. http://tangledtree.com

So apart from its delightful label of the bird and the entwined trees, (which is made from tree- free paper, Bagasse, a left over substance derived after sugar cane juice has been extracted), the actual bottle is made from PET, or polyethyline terephthalate, an unbreakable thermal polymer that is also up to 80% lighter than glass and is deceptively light and slightly narrower than its glass counterparts.

So it is perfect for the great outdoors and can go on picnics or hikes with the greatest of ease.

But the best part is undoubtedly the golden nectar found within. It is truly a pleasure.

The nose is an explosion of butterscotch, and crème brulee. The palate is wonderfully creamy and the rich butterscotch nose follows through in the fullness of flavour and mouth feel. It is well balanced from first tentative sip to last pleasurable swallow.

We enjoyed it with a lentil and pasta- rice dish, but it will be wonderful with salmon, cream based pasta dishes, shellfish, chicken and creamy cheeses.

So it stands to reason that not only are you doing your bit for the environment by reducing your carbon footprint, by drinking this wine… you may find it is so good; you may decide not to eat at all!!

Either way, 'cheers' to a wonderful new discovery.