In His Grip

On the Road to Damascus

2012-01-27T10:15:00.000-05:00

On the Road to Damascus

It seems God has been very quiet in my time with Him lately. Have you had those tmes? I just went through a season where it seemed that every time I picked up the Bible to study words just leapt off the page and into my heart. But for the last month, it has been quiet. I have had to be still and listen for that still small voice. When it comes though, it starts like that driving rain and heavy winds…I see the tornado forming.

If you are a writer, you understand that. Moments, words, pictures are the things that start running through your head like a tornado trying to pull out all the “stuff” and find the point. It can be maddening sometimes watching all that “stuff” fly around in my mind waiting on the “point” to settle. If you ever wonder why I do not always blog at the same time, same channel…this is it. I am waiting on direction from God and that takes a minute or two with a tornado passing through. So finally, I saw the one thing that God wanted me to share and it is about Stephen.

There is much to be said from other more knowledgeable scholars and teachers than but this one statement stopped me as I was reading this chapter. When Stephen was being stoned for his bravery, courage and anointing by the Holy Spirit to speak truth to the Jews, as he was standing there knowing that God was welcoming him home….Saul (later Paul) was standing right in the midst of the people proud of his honor in killing Stephen, giving his approval. In fact, that moment incited Saul to go to greater depths of ugliness to persecute the Jews. That moment, looking purely into the Holy Spirit as it is displayed on Stephen’s face infuriated Him. Saul was ready to fight against that beautiful Spirit of God. We all know the rest of the story and the transformation of Saul’s ministry from there and how he really changed the life of the church we know today. God used him mightily. But that was not what leapt out of the page for me.

The neon sign that was blinking in front of me was this…God designed it so that Paul would be there to witness Stephen’s death. From that moment on, Paul would have no question when he was in the presence of the Almighty God. Paul saw firsthand what it looked like to know God fully. He had a living, breathing example of God’s love in front of him in Stephen.

If you read through the old testament to the new testament you know that it had been hundreds of years since God had spoken through the prophets. The culture of the Jewish people had strayed so far from God. They had integrated so many idols into their beliefs by this time. The Pharisee’s had become the “God” of God so to speak. They controlled everything the people believed and knew about God. So the healings that Jesus did, when Jesus rose from the grave, when He ascended back to Heaven, when the Holy Spirit came down like fire to the disciples were moments where only the believers could understand what God was doing.

The Pharisee’s stood back in astonishment at the futility of accepting these miracles as truth. Why? God had never spoken to His nation like this, through His Son. He had never started with the common people. He spoke to the prophets (which by this time were very, very few because God had stopped talking to his people) in the old days but that had really been hundreds of years prior. They could not believe that God would speak out to those less trained in the scripture, less knowledgeable about the scrolls and scribes, those who had not studied and knew the law as they did.

Hearing God’s voice would have been hard for Paul under those circumstances. He was the elite of the Pharisees. However, the day that incited him became the day he actually started listening past the scrolls to the Holy of Holies and the One True God.

Paul doesn’t talk about that day much. I imagine when God gave him a new heart it was hard to even think about that day. But to me, Stephen’s death changed one man’s life that would change so many. It is not obvious that is what happened but the Bible makes it clear that Paul was there giving his approval. That day become even more defiant to kill those that teach the message of Jesus.

Nice story Barb but how does that translate to us? When you look through your mirror of your life there are moments that your head lowers just a bit. There are moments where you know the decision you made hurt the heart of God. Please don’t be ashamed because we all have those memories. If we didn’t we would not know the grace and love of a wonderful heavenly Father. Those days that we never want to go back to are where we were in the wrong place in our lives and the guilt overwhelms us.

In those moments, to me the mirror seems so clear. I see a Father,a loving God standing right in the middle of that moment expressing His unimaginable love to reach us. To help us see that love and bring us back to him. That Stephen’s death, though horrific and sad was an opportunity to change lives even today. Those moments in your life, changes lives too. It changed yours forever. Yes, we always talk about the day we met Jesus on the road to Damascus (like Paul) but really there were moments before then that you saw God and desired His love. Otherwise, you would never have seen Him on that road…you would have passed Him by.

Stephen talking unto his death:

Act 7:52 Which of the prophets did your fathers not persecute? And they killed those who foretold the coming of the Just One, of whom you have now been the betrayers and murderers;

Act 7:53 who received the Law through disposition of angels, and did not keep it.

Act 7:54 And hearing these things, they were cut to their hearts. And they gnashed on him with their teeth.

Act 7:55 But being full of the Holy Spirit, looking up intently into Heaven, he saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God.

Act 7:56 And he said, Behold, I see Heaven opened and the Son of Man standing on the right hand of God.

Act 7:57 And crying out with a loud voice, they stopped their ears and ran on him with one accord.

Act 7:58 And throwing him outside the city, they stoned him. And the witnesses laid their clothes down at the feet of a young man named Saul.

Act 7:59 And they stoned Stephen, who was calling on God and saying, Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.

Act 7:60 And kneeling down, he cried with a loud voice, Lord, do not lay this sin to their charge. And when he had said this, he fell asleep.

Saul’s response:

Act 8:1 And Saul was consenting to his death. And in that day there was a great persecution on the church at Jerusalem, and all were scattered throughout the regions of Judea and Samaria, except the apostles.

Act 8:2 And devout men buried Stephen and made a great mourning over him.

Act 8:3 But Saul ravaged the church, entering into every house. And dragging men and women, he delivered them up to prison.

My word for 2012, A deeper Love

2012-01-13T07:24:00.002-05:00

The song goes “if a picture paints a thousand words, then why can’t I paint you?” We naturally know the answer to the question the artist is posing but I love the part that it takes a thousand words to describe a painting. Because that is exactly what words, do! Words create, they incite, they challenge, and they can wrap themselves around our hearts to move us. If I say the word “Beautiful,” you immediately create a picture in your mind of what that word represents to you. My picture will be different from yours because our experiences are different but that one word stirs feelings and emotions. The beauty of words is the effect they have on us. How they collect our thoughts together to create this picture in our mind. Writers are constantly challenged, whether a songwriter or a novelist, to write those words that help you “see” what they are talking about and not just hear.

The beauty of seeing words is that in using those senses we are able to make changes in our lives when necessary. The wonderment of the Bible is that those words come alive each time we pick it up. The bible is full of words and the words spring to life from the page. The scriptures can become life changing if we allow it.

With that thought in mind, I took the challenge from a friend at the end of the year to see what “word” God might be giving me for the year 2012. I am ready for a challenge. I have lived in constant change for so long that the time we have been at home has truly been an unfolding adventure for me. However, it has also been quiet at times. It is a bit hard to go from constant crisis to routine. I never thought I would say that. I craved the routine and mundane but I have learned it is harder to live in the ordinary than it is in the extraordinary.

My friend’s word was “surrender.” What a great word. Surrendering all your decisions, your worries and hopes with your dreams to the Lord. Challenging yes, but the treasures are infinite. I know my friend Julie is doing her best to experience surrendering in her life. She is blogging her journey and you might want to check out her blog at http://juliegarmon.com, she writes so beautifully about her experiences.

When I prayed and really sought the Lord, I was definitely curious to see the answer. I was not sure how I would know what “that” word would be but when it came to me it was obvious. It made so much sense to where I was in life. That “aha” moment happened and I knew He wanted me to have the full experience of that word in my life. Are you curious? I am so excited about it for this year. The word I hear for myself seems to be deepening my love for the Lord. That I might see life through His eyes just a little deeper. That I would take a moment and listen to the Holy Spirit just a bit closer. Relying on that love to help me keep my eyes on Him.

Deeper can be intimidating, even scary at times. It might require more of me than I think I can give. However, it fits right in the core of my life right now. Yes, I have walked down so many paths in my life that you would think I had this part down pat. The lessons I have learned, those moments, those mountaintops, and valleys have helped me see life in a different way. I learned those lessons in my journey in life and now is the time to apply them.

So this year I feel that my word is “Deeper”. A deeper walk with the Lord, a deeper love for Him and others and most of all a deeper understanding of who God really is in my life.

In my life, I am starting to see that life can be intrinsic. Our families, our jobs, our bills, and of course our “stuff” we need to live that life surround us. At times, they even engulf us. I think for me this year, God is asking me to look outside of my box.

My comfort zone is to stay in my house and deal with the life that is living inside it. For the first time in years though, I have the opportunity to get to know other people that are not trapped in a critical crisis. But let me just say, so many are out there caught in crisis without having to be in a hospital room. I have been in prayer and pain in my heart for some of the people I have gotten to know over the past few months that are in a crisis. When I heard going deeper in my love for God those faces were the ones that were “painted” for me in my mind. He wanted me to take that moment and see past the words and phrases in their lives and see them theway He would see them.

That sounds so pretty but really, it is hard. We have our own expectations. We have our own lives we are living. Looking beyond those walls we have built around our life takes energy. Stopping and asking the Holy Spirit what I should do in a circumstance will require more of me. When I listen though, I will hear the heartbeat of God and it will naturally take me deeper. I will be walking in a new place that has new vision for my life. New hope springs up. My eyes see a kaleidoscope of colors and not just black and white. Because when you start seeing past your life and seeing others in God’s eyes, your view changes.

We laugh and enjoy “How the Grinch stole Christmas.” The wonderment of the story is that one little girl changed the heart of the Grinch. That is just a story with a moral. But in reality a father sent His only son to show us love. That love not only changed one life but the lives of so many we can’t even begin to count them. When I see that love not only working in my life but the lives of others, well you can’t help but want to change and go deeper. So, this year I am diving in….I know it is going to be an adventure! I can’t wait to see what happens.

Walking with the Holy Spirit

2012-01-04T14:04:00.001-05:00

It’s the New Year. Time to get the schedule back on schedule right! I am rushing through my day to get all those things in order to start the New Year off right. But as I rush to the door with your keys in hand, coffee in the other, an d I go through that mental list of what needs to be done I hear that still small voice say WAIT. Start that list again I think I missed something. Yes, I hear it again, that soft whisper to go over the list one more time. I have to run but that small whisper is telling me to stop, just a minute. Think it through one more time, what did I miss?

Have you ever heard that soft whisper in your ear? I whirled around to see what I missed. It could have been that $20 bill that I desperately needed, an old friend I had not seen in a while came to mind, a passage of scripture I missed this morning floated to the top of my mind or even one minute to say that extra prayer for a friend. Whatever that moment, I stopped to take a second look and I was blessed by listening. I saw, heard, or felt where to go next. The circumstances vary but that still small voice was the guidance I needed for that moment.

So many times, we do not recognize one of the greatest gifts God has bestowed on us, the Holy Spirit. He has been given the task of taking care of us. He encourages us. Helps us learn, guides us and most of comforts us. His job is monumental because He never intrudes on us.

That same Holy Spirit also knits our hearts together. Have you ever wondered why when you met a new friend they felt as if you had known them all your life. Maybe that was the Holy Spirit knitting your hearts together so that you both can become stronger. Have you ever just “known” someone was hurting but no one else seemed to notice? Again, the Holy Spirit working in our life. Have you ever received a gift that you knew was directly from God, once again, the Holy Spirit working.

This New Year for me is going to be about going deeper in the Word so I can hear the Holy Spirit even more. I have found that He tells us more than we realize. He helps us to love more than we can ever understand and helps us forgive and give forgiveness beyond our own abilities. More than that He teaches us how to live our lives with an open hand. To give more than we have, receive more than we can understand and live more freely than we have ever done in our lives. These things draw people to the God that lives in us and ultimately to the gospel of Faith that they need so desperately.

So next time when you feel that extra “nudge” to do something, say something, act on something or just go talk to someone you might think about actually trusting God and doing it.

A Season of Remembering

2011-12-08T13:47:00.001-05:00

A Season of Remembering

The wonder of the birth of Christ that will save us from ourselves. What a mystery God created with the birth of Christ. How many people really knew that Mary was carrying the child of God? We always picture that of course everyone knew and accepted that she was. I am sure that Mary and Joseph were both overwhelmed with what God was doing. He told them first of course. When the Holy Spirit shadowed Mary and the Angel appeared to Joseph, to them there was no question it was God working in their lives.

When God first speaks to you, isn’t it glorious! You stand in awe of the moment and you just “know” all this is from Him. I remember when we were trying to have a child, how discouraged I was at first because we just could not get pregnant and we had two miscarriages. How devastated I was. I will never forget the hour that God told me to trust Him. In that moment, I knew that God would bless us somehow with a child.

After the blush of the Holy Spirit and the Angel, appearing to Joseph, life settled into a routine. The glory of that moment seemed to fade as it became more apparent to everyone Mary was with child and yet not married. Can you imagine what they had to deal with? Can you imagine the jeering, the gossip, and the whispers as they both tried to walk through what God had called on them to do? The judgment from God’s own people that did not recognize the gift He was about to give to us. The gift that would cost Him so much. These two people were burdened and blessed.

Did Mary unburden her heart to anyone? Did she suffer quietly? She had answered the call of God on her life and yet, she was set aside. She was doing exactly what God asked of her but, the people of God could not see what God was about to do. She lived here on earth with people that were blind to the Spiritual things that God was trying to accomplish.

Does it sound familiar? Maybe God has put something on your heart, or called you to do something that in the earthly world does not measure up. Maybe it will cost you your reputation; your material things or maybe it will cost you your family because that can’t see the spiritual realm that God has shown you? Whatever it is, the cost is worth it. The cost of going deeper with God is more valuable than you know. Walking with Him not matter the cost took me through a life that would tear everything I knew apart. What God handed back to me, a life that I would not ever exchange. The journey hurt. The journey was painful. The reward was great! My relationship with God is so much stronger than even I knew I could have.

After my heart was truly broken, spilled out before Him I could see a new life that would call me to a much deeper spiritual calling than I had ever known before. A calling to a life that was not just a passive acknowledgement of God and His works, but participating in His work. A call to love God’s people the way He did, through His eyes. To see their hurts, burdens and pain as a place to help them grow, learn to love deeper and to walk on with a God that loves them so much because I had been there. I can feel that pain even when it is not spoken. Because I have experienced that pain. Because I have been there through tragedies and moments of crisis, I know God holds us all tightly in His hand.

We always see this time of year as Mary and Joseph head to Bethlehem and the birth of Jesus as some tender, sweet journey through two Godly people. Which they were God’s chosen parents to take care of His son. What an awesome statement of their faith. However, the journey he sent them out on was not easy and would last for 33 years. I am sure they had years that were not as hard but Jesus was God’s son. Just like Jesus, they suffered from the judgment of their peers. Their calling was now participating in God’s work. His plan that was the ultimate gift of Jesus. However, most did not understand His plan. Nevertheless, they pressed on. As Jesus died and rose again, can you imagine how Mary must have felt. The testimony she would give of her son. Because, she was His mother. Her heartbeat was with His. She loved Him so very much. That was her calling and she walked through every heartache and every comment with pride knowing she was following God.

When God blesses He also provides. Before God ever blessed Mary with Jesus, He had already made a way for her to be able to withstand the judgment of this world. He knew the heart of His own people and what Mary would endure. He knew that not everyone would accept his plan for salvation and not all would understand who Jesus was going to be in their life. He knew that their eyes were blind to the gift that would enter this world.

God knew that Mary would need strength to endure it all. That she would need Joseph to stand behind her. She would need Joseph to be her strength when she could stand it no more. When God calls you, He also provides. Each step is already been walked before you by God. He goes before us and is our rear guard.

This Christmas I remember the birth of Christ but also remember the “call” on Mary’s life. The blessing she was to raise Jesus. To teach Him and help Him along the way as He grew into the man and son of God. The bible says she pondered those things in her heart. I am so sure she did.

As I remember the walk Mary took, I look at Olivia. No, not the same story, but a calling nonetheless. The calling to take the road less traveled. A road that we have walked so many years now and is painful. God entrusted us as parents to raise her to know Him and love Him through all her pain. He entrusted us to grow and know Him on a deeper level so that we might bring Honor to Him. The stories of faith, of lives changed, of miracles in our lives and others has truly been nothing short of miracles along the way. We have fallen short many times but every time we have gotten back up, scraped the dirt off and walked on because of greatness of who God is in our lives. This year as I remember the birth of Christ I realize the true gift of being able to walk “boldly into the throne of grace” and God listening. He listens as we pray. He loves us as we pray. He stands with us as we “ask and pray.” All because Jesus chose to be born into this world and was raised from the Dead.

A Season of Wonder

2011-12-01T12:26:00.001-05:00

Well, I have struggled all week about what to write. It just seems that this time of year is about the wonder of God and not a Bible Study. The season helps us remember what God has done for us and not what we have lost. So I made the decision to take the next few weeks and write about this season. This season seems to be a great time that we all reflect on what we have had, where we have been and where we are going. Some of us have great memories that have turned sad, some still have great memories and more to be made, and some have a mixed bag of blessings and heartache at this time of year.

This time of year brings all of those memories to me as well. I have a mixed bag of blessings and sadness. But through it all, above it all, I can see the blessings far outweigh the hurt, pain, struggles and strife. The joy and wonder of Christmas is the best blessing of all. Because the wonder of life, miracles, healing, and love have been poured out to me by a God and Father that loves me more than I can ever understand or contain in just that one word,love. The wonder and honor of His love is greater than anything we can imagine. It seems that Christmas, like Easter, reflects and demonstrates His ultimate love for us.

When I hear the word wonder I always picture this little girl in her warm mittens, scarf, and hat bundled up and turning around and around as the snow is falling to the ground. I just see the twinkle in her eye and the smile on her face and the snow seems like love surrounding her. She has no idea where the snow really comes from and she doesn’t care. She doesn’t care that it is cold because she is bundled and enjoying the moment. She is completely abandoned to her moment of wonder. I think it is the innocence and the pure joy of experiencing that wonder that shows me how God has provided for me.

My moment of wonder has been the start of the holiday season. My tree is up and decorated. The lights are going up in our yard and we are starting to continue some of our family traditions. I look around at all that is being accomplished and I am like that little girl with the twinkle in her eye, amazed at the “wonder” of the blessings of God. Hers was snow, but mine is the blessings and miracles God has provided in my life.

One blessing seems small but is huge for us. This year Olivia was able to help me decorate the Christmas tree. In the past few years her strength and endurance was just not enough to help. T his year we laughed as we spun the lights around the tree, we groaned as the ornaments would not go exactly where we wanted and we watched Christmas movies and giggled and talked through two evenings of decorating. I stopped myself several times to remind me to take a memory picture of this moment. This moment of pure joy and wonder of a Christmas, I was never even able to see coming.

We have a tradition of going to see different lights around our little city of Buford. We usually go out once an evening for about 30 minutes. These last few years Olivia has stayed home more than she could go to the point we stopped going. This year, we have been able to do it! We sing along to Christmas songs on the radio as we talk about each house that is decorated or not. We get ideas for our yard or for next year, we laugh and talk about the people that may live there. They must have kids; they are older and cannot do much etc. In fact, there are several places we go every year just to see what they have done this year. I always want to leave a card in their box to say how much we appreciate their effort, LOL. Not sure what they would make of that but hey, we do love it.

This may not seem like much to you but to me, it is a miracle and I am so thankful that God would allow me to have more time with my daughter. I am so thankful that God would allow me to marry a man that would endure so much heartache through this crisis (for eleven years and counting) and come out the other side a stronger, more caring, more loving man. That we would be able to withstand so much in our marriage and still be able to say “I love you” and not have walked away from something that became very precious. That the material things of this world have become so much less than the eternal things that matter. The wonder that God would know where we needed to walk each and every day to come to know Him on an even deeper and stronger level. The wonder of a God that knows each of us so personally and so honestly that we trust Him to know what is best for us can be so very hard and yet so very freeing. We have lost much and we have gained much.

As I have been thinking about this Advent season that is upon us, I remember. I remember many Christmas’s holding on to God’s hand, praying we would get through one more. I remember a God that would stand by me, call people to pray to hold my arms up one more time, and help us as we got through one more tough Christmas season.

I also remember that Jesus chose to be born here on earth so that He could save us from the death and destruction of this earth. Without His sacrifice I could not have walked into the throne room of God and lay on altar and ask Him to protect, love and care for my daughter, my marriage, my family as we all suffered. The ones I have lost along the way, I know they are in a far better place and have the love of an incredible Heavenly Father. Though I miss them terribly, I know their days are filled with joy. The wonder of heaven.

This Christmas for me is about the wonder of miracles. The miracle of healing that Olivia is experiencing right now. The many, many miracles that God has allowed us to see along the way. We would have never made it this far without God going before us and coming behind us. We would not have made it this far without the friends, prayer warriors, and family that have held us up and found a way when it seemed there was no way.

So this Christmas there are many wonders…many miracles…many blessings. One of the biggest blessings is you. That is the incredible “wonder” of God that knits hearts and lives together to help hold each other up as they struggle through their crisis so that they can experience the incredible love of God.

Blessings on this Advent Season. I will be remembering you in my prayers!

In His Grip

Barb

"Man of His Word"--Commitments

2011-11-14T15:13:00.001-05:00

Right now I am in the middle of “spring cleaning”. Why now? Because I have not had this much time at home in three years and it feels good to get things in order. Finally, I have decided to take care of my neglected baseboards, cluttered closets, and baggage galore from going back and forth to the hospital. I am working like crazy because order takes time. Cleaning is messy and rewarding. It takes all my effort to get dirty so it can be cleaned.

I was working in the kitchen and could not believe how messy my cabinets were down near the floor. Obviously, no one gets down on the floor and looks there but it was like a sore thumb to me. It was grimy. Things had built up, like the cleaner in the crevices, grease that was not cleaned up and so one. Slowly I made it to each cabinet and each place on the floor and was rewarded with a nice clean floor and cabinets. Once I surveyed the land, it felt good. I committed myself to the task and finished. Woohoo!

That was a choice. I could have pretended it was not there and eventually it would have been obvious to everyone. Or I could commit myself to the task and feel like I accomplished something. Choices. We have choices each day. Some of those choices get harder and harder to stand behind. The cleaning process starts and we get messy. God starts cleaning and we can get overwhelmed. I remember asking Him to do it but in the process we see things we never wanted to see. We start seeing the fruit if our choices and the changes in our heart.

The biggest change is the commitment. The commitment to press in and go deeper with God. When we start moving that luggage out so we can get closer to God, the process can get messy. We might have to deal with things that make us uncomfortable. The process can leave us wanting to throw in the towel, pack that luggage right back in the closet and move on. Simple, easy and we never even have to get messy. There are days that we are excited and happy to see the change but other times we are loaded down with our circumstances and choices that the luggage just will not even budge. We finally decided to pull out a piece of that luggage in the closet and thought better of it. The door is open and it will all start falling out.

Is the choice to throw it back in the closet? Or is the choice to finally get rid of junk inside this one suitcase? Do we want more or less? How many choices will we have to make to get that luggage cleaned out and put away? We have a choice to live with the hurt and pains of our past or we can choose to let them go with forgiveness and pressing in to God. In pressing in to God we seem to gain more than we ever set out with on that journey. The first step to walking on with God and growing to trust, love and believe in Him begins with commitment. The test of all love is commitment.

Remember Hannah. Hannah had a lot of baggage she was carrying up that hill to the temple. But this time she was committed. She was committed to God, she was committed to her faith, and she was committed to whatever God would ask of her.

I think great things come from a pure passion of commitment. We have forgotten in our culture the value of our name. Men used to take pledges on their word. A man’s word was almost as good as a legal contract. His word, was his commitment.

Today, why don’t we look at one piece of luggage in that closet. That one piece may even have the word commitment on it. Just pull it out, slam the door closed quickly, lest any others fall. Read back on 1Samuel and see what God may be speaking to you this week. Just commit to one piece of baggage. You never know how easy it may be to just let It go.

But if you are struggling, call a friend, find someone you can talk to and see what God has for you. God does say seek wise counsel. I encourage you do so. Keep it all in perspective and balance.

Blessings, praying for you this week. Praying many, many blessings on your life.

In His Grip

Barb

The journey is long, but the blessings are huge

2011-11-06T22:19:00.001-05:00

We are continuing on with Hannah this week in 1Samuel 1. I hope you are seeing Hannah as a real person. A woman hungering after God and the blessings she was lavished with by God. One of things I know God honors is a heart hungry after Him. I am praying for you this week to hunger and thirst for the God. To see Him in a new light. A new perspective. So let's read on and see if God will show you something you might need to start this week.

One of the most extraordinary things I think happened on that day that Hannah "fell" on the altar was a new depth of understanding of God's love. Not only was she ready to receive God's love, she was ready to give it. This process of that final day on the altar took years. Hannah had been tormented and tormented herself for years before she became broken and spilled out before the Lord. Her journey was a long and painful one. But the one thing that held her from becoming bitter , angry and despondent was her love for God. I am sure that was an attraction for Elkannah as well. There is nothing more beautiful than a heart for God. But those years all Hannah saw was a worthless rag doll of a woman. How much more was being created in her heart than she ever knew.

Some days that is how my life feels, long and hard. Every day is a new challenge, a new test of my strength. I look over at other women that have time (and money) to just get their haircut and shaped. I have to fight off the despondency. There are days that all I long to just be able to get exercise in and a schedule. My days consist of "Olivia" and then everything else. Please do not hear me complaining. I recognize the grace and gift of each and every day. But some days, you do tend to wonder and want what others have. That is the human side of our nature. That is some of the imperfections that God always wants to work out in our life.

Elkannah's second wife is a great example of never allowing God to work through those inadequacies of life. She was jealous, angry and bitter towards Hannah because she recognized something she did not have, Elkannah's heart. She did not turn her ways toward the Lord to allow Him to protect her from that hardness. She just became angry and bitter. I know that her heart was quite unattractive to Elkannah.

Since Hannah's heart was turned toward the Lord. He protected her heart. He saw her hurt and pain and patiently waited for her to turn it all over to Him. As a parent, God knew how important it was for Hannah to reach out to Him. That she would learn to trust Him. In that process, she would develop a strong foundation and a heart of love that would birth a mighty leader, Samuel. She also created a bond of love for Samuel so strong that he did not resent her for leaving him at the temple but anticipated her arrival each year. Only someone who knows love can give that kind of love that surpasses our earthly flesh into a spiritual realm.

God delivered on His promise and Samuel was born. But no longer did Hannah have that ache of hurt and shame. She was walking with renewed purpose. She could have doubted that God would not give her a child but honestly I think from that moment on, she really did not care. The promise she received on the altar was a love that was unconditional, overwhelming, everlasting.

When she became pregnant, Hannah more than recognized the miracle inside of her. She saw Samuel as the fulfillment of a promise but I think that promise was also one to her, about her. The love of her Abba Father. She promised to dedicate her child to him. That dedication, that ability of a mother to let go of her one and only son at the time. That one promise she gave back so freely to the Lord by sending Samuel to the temple to be raised as a priest. What a demonstration of love and sacrifice on her part. But because she was first loved…she was able to give love. The miracle that she wanted in one child became the leader of a nation. The journey of one woman being broken and spilled out, led to a voice of God to the nation of Israel. A huge miracle. God breathed and destined.

Wow. We really never know what God has planned once we start walking towards him. I am sure Hannah never knew God's intent was to birth Samuel as the leader of the nation. She just wanted a child. The reasons don't matter anymore, the journey does. The journey led to so many other miracles.

In our day, I wonder what Billy Graham's mother thought when she saw him speaking to the world about Christ. Did she have any idea that he would be such a strong voice for the gospel? I was able to meet Max Lucado at one time. He was so different than what I expected. I was expecting a very quite unassuming man. He was full of personality and charismatic. He was funny, lots of energy, and completely about his family. I wonder if his mom had any idea that he would speak so eloquently about Christ through his writings. Those writings are profoundly penetrating to the heart of the matter.

I have no idea what their parents were like but I know this, God has truly exemplified His love for His people through the word of God and in our day, through these men as well. Yes, there are many, many others, but when I think of love, God's love for His people, these are the men that come to mind.

Who comes to mind for you? Who shaped your love for God to allow you to hunger and thirst to know God more?

Has God showed you something important about your child that you need to nurture? Has He shown you a character trait that the Holy Spirit reminds you to foster at times?

When I look in the mirror what do I truly see?

2011-11-01T13:55:00.000-05:00

We left last week about Forgiving ourselves. This week we are going to look at our ability to receive love. Is there a hindrance in your life holding you back from receiving. Let’s take a look at Hannah in 1Samuel 1:1-8.Ask God to open your heart to hear if there is anything holding you back.

Our first impression of love comes from our parents. How they nurture us, care for us, and are passionate about us starts the process of that small seed growing where we develop the idea of who we are as a person. That process also starts helping us understand how to receive love. If you have ever read the book "The Five Love Languages" you know that naturally God has instilled in us certain ways we receive love. In our growing years, those languages can be messed up a bit if our parents do not lay a solid foundation for us.

Some of us have grown up with incredible parents that have done nothing but love us unconditionally. They have walked through hard times with us and still given all they have to help us find our way. We learned to respect their hand of love in many different areas of our life. The foundation for us to receive love is strong. Our mistakes may be the culprit that hinders us.

Sadly, some of us may have not seen such love and grace from our parents. We have only seen the result of their inability to love and have grace. We have seen them lash out and hurt those around them because of their pain or unforgiveness. The toll this takes on our lives not only affects us, but those around us. Our view of a heavenly loving Father that is passionate about us seems unreachable, unattainable.

In the bible God specifically talks about the role parenting has in a child's life. The impact of their decisions directly affects a child's view of their world. Their ability to reach out and be in the family God created for them. Jesus said let the little children come unto to me. So He could love them. He knew their precious hearts were open to hear a word of love and receive it. In those tender years, we are sponges that absorb everything around us.

That love for a child is where we start with Hannah. Let's open up in prayer here and open our Bibles to 1Samuel 1:1 Hannah desperately wanted a child. She wanted to feel life growing in her like her counterpart, Elkannah's second wife. She dreamed of the day that she could see her child playing with the other children. When she could bath them, nurse them, kiss their hurt and soothe their pain. Her heart yearned for that day. One other note we should make here is that in Hannah's culture, if a wife did not produce children she was worthless and usually put away. Back then, women were more property than considered an individual person of value. A little more than slaves.

The first thing that stands out to me is in verse 1. The first statement in verse 1 is defining Elkannah's heritage, not Hannah's. Her lineage does not matter as much as Elkannah's. The first few verses define her husband more than Hannah. I find it interesting because it is Hannah's devotion that leads to greatness. Nevertheless, it also gives us insight into how Hannah may have been feeling about herself. Can you imagine being one of two wives? Then, the other wife is able to establish herself more than you because the only reason you are in the relationship with your husband is to produce children and yet, you can't. But, wait, the bible clearly states that Hannah was given double portions of everything because her husband loved her the most. He is trying so hard to show his undying devotion to her. As if to say, I know she gives me children but you give me love.

Hannah, could not accept that love. Her heart was so hurt by not giving her husband the one thing that she thought he needed, a child. The other wife attacked worth daily and her society told her she had no value. All those things played over and over in her mind. So much that she could not see a true picture of her situation.

In reality, her husband was showing her for a very long time that all he needed was her. He gave her liberties as a wife she should not have had. He did these things because he loved her. He went as far as to give her double portions. His love and devotion was so obvious that the second wife was extremely jealous of Hannah. She was so jealous she taunted her.

But Hannah's pain did not allow her to see Elkannah's heart. Her heart was in so much pain, rejection and lacked self worth that she could not truly see his love for her. She definitely could not receive it. Hannah's pain was finally to much to bear.

I believe when she laid on the altar that last time, she gave it all up to God. She drug her suitcase through those halls. I can see her lugging it behind her. Each step, as it bangs against another step. Her last bit of strength gone from the heaviness in her heart. But, she finally takes that last step and just throws herself on the altar. Her weeping and moaning are so intense the priest believes she is drunk.

This day though, Hannah will not be daunted. She will not leave this place with all that baggage. She is ready for the hurting and the pain to stop. She is taking all she has and throwing it on the altar, busted and broken. That luggage is not going anywhere but here today. Here on the altar to be placed before her God. She is finally asking Him to help rebuild the fractures of her heart. Those remote places that need a healing hand that only he can heal. A place to re-paint the picture of her life through His eyes and not her own. As she stood to talk with the priest she felt just a bit lighter. She was much more confident. She had more love than when she walked up those steps. This day, she had called on her God to hear her heart and He did. He overwhelmed her with His love. The kind of love that cast out fear, that heals the brokenness and frees us from the chains of our past, our guilt, and our unforgiveness. He took her heart and gave her all the love she needed. This day, after that long journey, Hannah could finally receive it.

Today, why don't we take a moment and just get quiet with God. See if He has anything He wants to show us. We might not be weeping now, we may even be in a place that we know all of this but, let's just take a moment and hear. Let's open up our heart's and let the Holy Spirit speak.

When Samuel was born, I am sure that the love Hannah had for him was overwhelming. She loved him with all her heart. She gave all she was as a mother to give him a foundation that would serve him well as a leader of a nation. Hannah had endured some heart wrenching moments in her life but those moments were lessons to show her what love was truly all about.

Forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing we ever have to do!

2011-10-25T10:57:00.000-05:00

While I have been sitting here on my back porch the last couple of weeks, I have been trying to decide what to do with In His Grip. Over the last several years it has been a great outlet for me to express the things I have been learning from the Lord while walking through this huge valley of Olivia’s second transplant. But now, it seems life is turning to a new and wonderful place in life and what would I do with this place. In His Grip is very close to my heart.

Well, the Lord reminded me that I have been writing Bible Studies these last few months. I would just get inspired by a character or an event I was reading about and start writing them. So, if you will indulge me, I think I am going to put parts of them here. The great thing is that I have written a lot. The bad thing, well, they can exceed that 500 word limit that lose people’s attention. But, I guess if God is a part of it and you are gleaning something from it you will read on. So, let me know what you think. I am going to be able to do it at least once a week and if you like it I actually have enough to go twice a week. Drop me a comment if it you want to journey with me. I just like to affirm that I am hearing correctly from the Lord.

Forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing we ever have to do!

What does it feel like when you feel love for the first time? That moment when you finally know that someone loves you beyond the moment, the imperfections, how you see yourself, and they love you with all your mistakes. They even love you enough to help you forgive yourself for not making all the right choices. What a day that is. The most beautiful part is God loves you even more than that. Even the best of love here on earth carries only a tenth of the love of God.

Forgiving is a huge step towards receiving love. There are times in our lives when having that ability is so hard. We have to really work at it. There is our past, our past hurts, our past mistakes that are huge hurdles for allowing someone that close into our heart. Sometimes, forgiving ourselves seems to be the cornerstone of not receiving love. Our expectations and our mistakes are the keys that stand in the way of truly receiving love. When you finally release all that unforgiveness the overflow that you feel is a sense of cleansing. That old things have past and new things are possible. Love can feel like freedom, the freedom to be ourselves, the freedom to live unhindered by our past mistakes. Love can feel like forgiveness and overwhelming amounts of grace.

Forgiving yourself just might be the culprit standing in the way of receiving. It can be one huge piece of baggage.

As I sit here on my porch reflecting on all my years of struggle I am so happy where I am today. The heart that God has formed in me overflows with compassion and grace. But that took some mighty work and heavy lifting on my part and God’s. I had a huge pile of luggage that I liked to drag around with me. A lot of it had been around so long it was battered, dented and the rollers had fallen off so I had to truly drag it with me.

The key, which does not come with the instructions to our baggage, is to let Jesus in all the way. We have been so proud of our luggage that we have yet to allow Him in our hearts (or luggage) for fear of what He might see. We are sure if He saw it, He really wouldn't love us as much. Our feelings of guilt and worth start playing with our mind and we cannot seem to let it go. The reality is, He already knows what’s in it. If we never open it for him it doesn't matter. Remember love sees all and loves us anyway. In the end, the tighter we hang on we may never realize the forgiveness we have been extended and the love that He has for us. We may never really allow that forgiveness to free us.

In time, we put that baggage away with all the "stuff" in it. It becomes like the linen closet. You know no one will ever see it so you just keep piling blankets in there, stuffing them in until you are afraid of what might happen when you open the door. But, as long as you just keep walking by it, everything is safely inside. Hidden from view and really just a little tug in the back of your mind that one day you are going to get in there and deal with that closet. It might be cluttered and you might be scared to open the door. But all is safe. There sits that luggage of unforgiveness in our hearts. Nicely tucked away in a "safe" place that at times you don't even remember it's there. We have taken painstaking efforts to hide it.

We all have seen this reflected in so many different areas of our life. It could have been in our past. It could be something unintentional, or it could be feeling like we failed someone or even failed our own expectations for ourselves. Guilt and unforgiveness is a powerful tool that is used to keep us bound and a huge chasm that gives way to not truly receiving all the love of a Holy precious Father. Dare I say it even builds a wall around being able to receive love from a wonderful spouse, unconditional love of a parent and even children? It also hinders our ability to give love freely. If we don't know how to fully receive love then we don't always understand the full extent of giving free, unconditional love to someone else.

Receiving love allows us to understand our own imperfections. It allows us to give grace, forgiveness, a helping hand and wise advice to help one another. I may not have walked your path and I need that advice. You may not have walked mine yet and could use an encouraging word. Words that heal, give hope, and send love.

At times, we have allowed some love into our heart. We have accepted Jesus as our Savior, we have dear friends, we love our spouse and children but only you know if the wall is up and surrounds you to keep them all at a bit of distance. Just in case they may want to walk in and really know your heart. We only allow their love to go so deep in our hearts because we have still not allowed God in to wash away all that unforgiveness.

One of the most heart wrenching stories I have ever heard was in my own home. My dear sweet husband came from another faith that believed that sin was the root of not receiving blessings. They were more in the "name it and claim it” idea of God and felt that if you did not receive what you claimed then you were in sin. In time as he grew spiritually, he decided that the denomination he was ordained through might not be the way God would have him lead. So, in time, he changed to another denomination and another, deeper step with God. It was after this change in his life that we met.

We were married and then after four years we had Olivia. But, when she was three years old things started going horribly wrong for her. At first she seemed to stay sick. We had been through test after test being told she had a brain tumor to she only had a virus. Then the day came when we were told she was in total organ failure. Finally they revived her other organs but her liver. Through all this time, both Dean and I struggled with what God would have us do. How were we to take care of this precious gift?

But lurking in the back of my husband's mind this whole time, without one word to me, was what "sin" have I committed that God would bring his wrath on Olivia. The pot kept getting stirred more and more as we walked through each day of more tests, a liver transplant, a horrible attempt to save the transplanted liver and on the story goes. All through this time, my husband was silently suffering. His guilt was overwhelming at times. His ability to forgive himself was beyond words. Finally, one day he re-read the scripture about the boy that was blind. The disciples asked Jesus, "Who sinned? The mother or the Father that this boy is blind?" Jesus answered and said "neither, his infliction was so the Glory of God could be shown"…..that was the first time Dean finally opened up to me and asked for forgiveness. He had been angry at himself, at his friends that had told him it was about him and at God a bit because he did not know what to do. But for me, my heart just broke to think that he had been tormented so long. Finally we were able to work through all of that and he is free from that unforgiveness and guilt but the years of torment were just agony for him.

Today we know that God has ordained our steps. We would not trade one day of these last eleven years for a different life. We have celebrated more miracles at God's hand than I can even count. The freedom of love and forgiveness is just one example of a miracle we can celebrate. Believe me, we have had many.

Today is a great time to open up that luggage. Just a little if that is all you can do. Are there area's the Holy Spirit is talking to you about right now? Is there anything you need to pull out of that luggage and get rid of? Is there someone you need to talk to and ask for forgiveness? Or do you just need to have a talk with God and yourself and forgive yourself?

2011-10-04T14:44:00.000-05:00

Live, Laugh and Love….Really? Hold on, In His Grip

One of my favorite sayings is Live, Laugh and Love. If you stand in my kitchen you will see that saying right over the entrance of the archway into the kitchen. Because that is what I picture in my kitchen. The smells of baking in the oven, my sweet husband sitting in his chair delivering his news from his day and of course Olivia interrupting about fifty times to get in her every single thought that she has ever had. This is life evolving around us. Listening to life, laughing at our life and loving each other because we are in each other's life. Living, laughing and loving each other. Some of our greatest memories are made in the kitchen. Honestly, a lot of weight is gained in that kitchen but we lived while we were in there.

Living is hard these days for all of us. Some days we are all doing well to put one step in front of the other. I am amazed at the friends that surround me and how they survive life. Between cancer, sickness, job loss, home loss, lives lost ,each day brings a day of truly living. Not the fairytale but the realities of life. Where we take that life, where we walk in that path of life, the decisions we make along the way and how we get through it is our testimony of living.

My testimony touches those different facets of what we call life. I have walked down some hard, difficult roads that have led me to greater heights than I can ever imagine. I have walked through some valleys that I thought would never end. This does not make me an expert in life it just gives me a testimony that might come alongside someone else and pick them up and help them keep walking. My joy is to share my life so someone else may be a little stronger, a little happier and a little more closer to the God that has been ever faithful to me.

A friend reminded me this weekend that the model of prayer Jesus gave us was "Our" Father in heaven. She told me how God showed her that the "our" part joins us all together as a body. In that joining, my testimony of life, may touch you…your testimony of life will touch me and someone else and so on. So, if we want to really touch someone, we have to open our lives to others, we have to share our victories and failures and we have to be alone with God. That alone time leads us to hear Him and understand our journey so much more. Really the saying should be Learn, Laugh and Love because in the love part is where we get to hold on to someone else's hand. Giving them something they needed out of the abundance of what we have learned and been given.

So come join me in my quiet place . On my back porch that overlooks the pool and my garden. In my swing, with my coffee steaming and listening to the quiet of the morning I listen. Come visit with me and the Holy Spirit as we talk. Yours will be your own conversation. Telling Him all the things that you need …all the things that hurt…all the things you love. On my porch swing I will be doing the same. I will pour another cup of coffee. I want to tell you all about the God who loved me, laughed at me and with me, and more than I can imagine loves me. So that when we meet maybe my story will help you and I know your story will help me.

The scripture for my life is Proverbs 3:4-5 "Love the Lord with all your heart, lean not to your own understanding, and all they acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." I have found that to be true more than I can ever even discuss with you.

Unfortunately for me ,today is a one way dialogue. I have been doing all the talking. But if you knew me, personally, you would know the first question I would ask is " tell me about you. Tell me how you are doing?". Because that is my heart. To know you. To be a part of your life. Maybe, as the coffee starts to get cold you will hear from the Holy Spirit something that swells in your heart to make life just a little brighter today that you will share with me. Living can be one of the hardest things to ever learn. Sharing your life can be a milestone for you and yet, when we do, it is the closest I believe we can get to knowing God.

Today LIVE, LAUGH AND LOVE

In His Grip

Barb

The Word of our Testimony

2011-09-09T15:27:00.000-05:00

The Word of our Testimony

Friday, September 09, 2011

3:32 PM

For the last several weeks I have been very quiet in my writing. It seems that in the midst of trying to find "what" to write I got lost in the "why" should I write. You see, to me, when you write you are writing with the knowledge of being an expert. That is the one thing I am not . I am not an expert. I am just one person trying to live life being sold out being a follower of Christ. That does not make me an expert, just another person living life the best I know how.

This all started weeks ago with so much turmoil in my spirit. I just wanted to give up and throw it all in my delete bucket. But something just would not let me do that. God wanted me to stretch myself into hearing Him so that when I did I would not turn back. I would know it was Him and only Him.

It actually started on Wednesday night. I am listening to our Bible Study but in my mind all the things I feel I am supposed to be doing in life start rolling around in there, you know that head of mine can't keep still. I keep focusing back on the message and my brain keeps going back to my writing. It was quite frustrating arguing with myself in my head. Thank goodness Chuck did not call on me to answer a question because my answer may have not been on the subject he was teaching. I would catch a bit of a phrase it would take me all the way through the scenario in my head again. All this head space was taken up to find my purpose in writing. So many other things should have been able to go in my brain but really that has been my focus, arguing with God about this whole writing issue.

A friend challenged me in that area and because I know her, I knew she is right. I challenged myself. Why does it matter? Why not just give up. There are so many people out there doing a great job at it. So on and on the argument went. But in the end, why did it matter? I have a lot of other things I can do, why keep pressing me about this?

Through the last few years I have been challenged with so many things in writing. Things I did not know, things I did not understand and quite honestly people that have the ability to write eloquently and draw you in to their reading is such a gift that I did not really see myself as a writer. I happen to "feel" extremely insufficient to write. But something continually draws me in. The Holy Spirit constantly whispers in my ear these words that just feel like they need to be on paper. So, I kept hashing at it until finally I gave up. Until today.

God has been teaching me so much lately about making it less "me" and more Him. As I started seeing that picture of God drawing me nearer to Him, I saw more clearly what He was asking of me. Have you ever done that? Have you ever thought, God you just don't get it? Are you hearing me? Then, in that quiet still moment the answer to that monumental problem seems to just appear. Maybe it was in the shower as you were getting ready to go, or driving to work and you hear a particular song and it drifts your mind back to that problem and Wham! There is the answer. Or even, sitting on your back porch in your favorite spot the answer starts forming in your mind.

As each day passed I got closer to seeing the picture and today I saw it the best. I was at yet another Bible Study, I just love being out and about and learning, and I said to someone that God says " we overcome with the blood of the lamb and the WORD OF OUR TESTIMONY". I was just talking but in my head I was saying THAT's IT. No one has my testimony…no one has YOUR testimony. I was so excited to tell my husband that I get it now. God has shown me the reason to write. Because maybe someone will be changed, encouraged, given strength, seen the love of God because I decided to share my testimony. It isn't about me but it is about what God has done for me that it stands.

As I was processing that small piece of the puzzle, I got home and opened my email. I had received a letter from a young girl that had read "Why Doesn't God Heal Me". She told me how she cried, actually she said she started bawling which completely broke my heart for her , and had all the same questions as Olivia. How much she felt she missed out on in her teenage years because she was sick. Why doesn't God just heal her? Then, after she shared her heart she just wanted to thank me for sharing mine through writing. Wow. Tears just would not stop as I read her letter. That God touched her life, gave her hope and love that she so desperately needed and that He used her in my life.

I will thank her, because as the tears stained my face I realized how much God wanted to imprint on my heart that our testimonies matter. They do help and impact people. They do change lives and she will go on to help someone else because she is stronger and her faith has increased. I also know that she will be on my daily prayer list as well. There are no "chance" meetings. We don't always get to see the impact of what God is doing through us, through our life and through our testimony but He is using us each and ever day to impact someone in our life whether we realize it or not.

So…be strong…and share your testimony! God has some mighty things He wants to do through you! It may not be writing, that was my catalyst, but He has something that only you can do and say. Your testimony is the one that will reach one…that will reach one…and reach one and can you imagine if all we all did that!

Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound

2011-08-20T11:01:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

9:32 AM

This past two weeks it seems so much has hit our household. We had two very different but also very close friends pass away. Both were sudden and without warning. So much threaded through the halls of my mind. Some of those threads went into rooms that are closed and not used much anymore, just to be opened and re-examined. Others opened new doors to rooms that I had not seen before. But, through all the processing I was amazed at God's grace.

Our friend Jeff had a sudden massive heart attack. Though all the details are a bit unknown as to why it all happened, his family and friends stood vigil by his bedside until he took his last breath. I was honored to be one of those friends. There to be strength for his wife and dear friend Beth and just to do whatever I was asked or needed to do.

One of those things, Beth just wanted me to be there by her side. Just standing. Just being strong. Just being a rock for her while the wind of change was blowing through that room. Seeing her virile, precious, husband's life ebb into Jesus' arms. Having to make some heart wrenching decisions about life support. Having to watch her daughter just ache at the loss of her Dad. To be honest, the day never seemed to end. But it pressed on and so did we as the night turned to morning and the final breaths were taken.

I will never want to even speak to what Beth was going through in those hours upon hours. That is her story, but for me so much was shown to me in just a small span of time that I thought that God was exploding through the room.

For me , standing beside that bed and hearing the heart of a wife saying goodbye, hearing his daughter tell him all the things that she loved about him, and a Mom saying goodbye to her son but begging him not to go had my heart wanting to run from the room. But my Father in Heaven wanted me stand. I am not sure that I was all that needed at the moment, there were more than enough friends by her side. But for some reason God wanted me there and just wanted me to stand. When I realized that, it was in that perfect moment that we started singing "Amazing Grace". All of us around Jeff's bedside. Not loud but definitely strong. The peace, just like a river…surrounded that room. Tears were already flowing down his cheek, along with everyone else and I know , at that moment , he knew how much he was loved. He felt love surround him. He heard his family's cry and he also saw the Father waiting on Him. Waiting on Him to finish his goodbyes. In those long hours of holding on , love and grace were what flowed.

This week my friend Noran went home in her sleep. This is a woman that lived life well. She loved with all her heart, she prayed with all her might and she walked every day with Jesus. Though she went to sleep and did not wake up I know the Angels of Heaven walked her home in those wee hours of the morning. What a blessing and a comfort of grace that she did not suffer. She just woke up at home completely healed. But for us, one great prayer warrior has gone home.

As I witnessed my friends going into the arms of Jesus this week, I was struck by the amount of grace God has extended to me. You see, Dean has had three heart attacks and well, we all know Olivia's amazing story. I came home and loved on my family and I have a new appreciation of love and grace. Every moment in our life is designed by God. He is the only one that knows the hour and the day that we will go home to be with Him. I have seen my Mom and Dean's parents and sister welcomed home to be with Jesus and the Father. I know, in those moments of passing that they would not want to come back for anything. My sweet friend Noran and Jeff walked into Jesus' waiting arms this week. The celebration must be huge in heaven. But for those left behind, life is fragile and a gift. Each and every day is a gift to those of us that have been touched by the amazing people God has placed in our lives.

So this week I think I am going to be just a little quieter to hear what my friends and family are really saying and not just the words. I want to hear their heartbeat and their struggles. I want to understand their needs. I want to be thankful for every minute God has placed them in my life to help me, make me just a little better, and loved just a little more because they were in my life. Because for me, that is the grace of God. Prayerfully, I can also be that same person for them.

How do we lose our way?

2011-07-05T09:38:00.000-05:00

Last night I rode home with Dean so I could bring my car back to the hospital. Typically I never even leave Olivia's room but over the last year I have come to realize that I have to get away and let my mind breath, refresh, reboot so to speak. I have to keep my head clear if I want to survive this and help her survive it well.

It is a hot, humid, summer night here in Atlanta but it is just me and the car. I love that solitude of the car. No interruptions, no interacting.....just driving. Those are the moments I find that small quiet time, well maybe not so quiet, to talk with God. Sometimes I yell, sometimes I cry, sometimes I sit and just enjoy the beauty of feeling close to Him. But it is our own special time to really communicate.

As I leave I realize I have about 45 minutes to ride to the hospital. Just enough time to get all the yelling and the screaming and the crying in before I get there! I crank up the stereo and the songs are the only thing that can be heard. I have cranked it up loud, on purpose. I want the music to fill the car and my head. I want to hear God speak to my heart! And loudly.

Because the thing I need most right now are not words on a page but that deep river of wisdom that only comes from God. I need to feel the deep heart of God that reaches down and gives me that peace that passes understanding. My mind has been going in twenty directions and this last episode with Olivia caught us all off guard.

You see the problem don't you? I didn't until that ride to the hospital. Because for the past few months I have been trying to put the pieces of my puzzle back together. I have been trying to get our life back on track to where it was before all this happened. But, you know what happened, the harder I tried the worse it seemed to get.

My picture looked like this " Transplant and Olivia is better and getting her friends back, life back and happy....the drastic bills are paid off so we can start fresh....Olivia and I have time to get school back in line and we all walk off into the sunset praising God for His wonderful miracle!"

Now, I am not complaining. God forbid I be like the Israelites coming out of Egypt but it seems I did lose my way. I had my picture all ready to be put together. I kept trying to put those pieces into one another and it was just not working!

The life picture is ...Olivia keeps fighting to get well. She has had more bad days than good..I lost my job when I needed it the most....Olivia has not felt well enough to get a lot of school work done and no time to really spend with friends and just as we were thinking she could...she started getting sick again. Oh did I mention that perfect marriage seemed to be all about arguing lately!

I just kept pressing in. Tenacity seems to be the one trait in my character that is tried and true. I just don't have it within me to give up. I would sit on my back porch swing and just shake my head...God, I just don't get it. Really, don't we deserve a break. Can't you just let us have some sweet precious time of not worrying, not struggling, not preparing for the worst?" then, the tears would just flow like rivers. Trying to wash away the struggles ,the sorrow and the quilt. I have friends in much more dire circumstances than we have right now. But still I kept fighting. I wanted my puzzle pieces to work.

On the way to the hospital, in those sweet precious moments God reached down and whispered to me that " Trusting, believing and loving have to do with my picture, not yours." You see, I have been writing my book and talking about those particular things, repeating those things, but listening to what God is leading me to write is very different. You see, God knows me and He knows my heart. It may sound trite to you but to me my whole life needs to reflect God. He has been the true constant in my life. The truth of real love in my life. So, I really needed an attitude adjustment. I needed to see the picture through His eyes unless I do start sounding like those dang Israelites and have to wander in the desert.

So, the real picture looks much like this " Olivia's life is spared and she is getting better but will always have challenges. The challenges helps her character be more and more like Jesus. She is able to see those in pain and sympathize and empathize with her peers at a level of maturity that is beyond her years. She realizes that God is the provider of everything we have and so she knows we can lean on Him and trust Him. Then, God brought a community of people together to be the hands and feet of His gospel to surround us with so many prayers, love and support that we were able to survive all of this craziness. Hopefully that same community was able to see God's hand at work. Our family is stronger than it has every been and we are able to communitcate more than ever before. When the glass is half full, the picture looks so different. I had a friend tell me one time "Count your many blessings name them one by one" great hymn and great reminder.

To me, when I remember to look back the miracles are enourmous! Life is not always about rest. Sometimes, well most of the time it is about the journey and how we walk through it. Life does not stop or slow down. Many lives are being changed everyday forever. We all feel that we wish we could get off the merry-go-round for just a moment....but, lest we forget that joy of being on the merry-go-round. It is all in our perspective.

So through this hot July night I am singing at the top of my lungs. Worship is where I start. Worship allows me to see God and see myself in his laver. That mirror of honesty that brings all the sin and the joy to the top. I can get rid of all the things that have hindered me from hearing His voice and allows me to hear His heart. I hear Margaret Becker in the chorus " Look me in the eye, tell me if you see traces of yourself growing here in me.?" and that is my heart cry. That is what I am called to do and so it puts the last few days back into the right perspective of my life!

I lost my way but now I am on firmer ground again.

In His Grip
Barb

Driving down the road I can see all these moments over the past months reflecting back at me. In the process I realize I have lost my way, not from the trauma but from the routine. Wow, imagine that. The easy stuff is what gets us caught up in the wrong things. Trauma pushes us closer to what is important. I have been so concentrated on getting life back in order that I lost the reason that life exists. I bow my head, in my mind, and repent. I sit and hear Margeret Becker sing "Find Me" and

It has been almost a year since Olivia's transplant. It amazes me how much we all have changed since that time. We have not been able to fully recover yet, we have hit several bumps in the road, but she is getting stronger and stronger. We are currently back in the hospital and having some pretty ugly issues but she is stronger and working hard getting through it all.

When you look back at life it is so easy to see the mistakes, the heartaches, and the pain. You naturally see the hard stuff. It quickly comes to the surface of your mind. So, it does take a moment to remember the victories, the moutain top experiences and the joy that God has allowed us to enjoy over the year.
But here are the thongs that I am most thankful for that I have learned over the last year.

I am very thankful for God. He has been the one rock that I could count on no matter what. He has provided so many miracles for me and my family that I am in awe of His power and might. In fact, recently there has been some discussion around my house about some spiritual aspects about God lately and really at the end of the day, all that matters is that God is God. No more and no less. He gives, loves and extends his heart beyond the recesses of what our minds can fathom. I have been humbled and amazed at friendships that have not only endured miles, but years and mistakes. I have been blessed beyond measure with the outpouring of love and concern for me and my family. I am so very thankful for each and everyday that God allows me to bewith Dean and Olivia. They are the picture in my life of who God is. How He loves, how He blesses and how He is so wise.

When I look back at the full year, in context, this is where I end. But there are many middle parts that have changed my heart and outlook. There have been many days that I had to face reality and realize that my will and God's will may be different. And if there were different, how would I handle that. I am sure you can read between the lines here. Also, I have wept with several mothers that did not have another day with their child. The disease had taken its toll on their poor child's body and walking through that has brought an ache and scar that I pray will never heal. It gives me that hesitation that life is more important than cleaning the house. It gives me that understanding that friendships are so much more than just a FB quote. It reminds me that the hunger and passion I have for God will always be strong and fervent. I stand in His presence broken and spilled out.

Life is beautiful

2011-04-29T16:10:00.000-05:00

Life is Beautiful!

You know what I am doing? I am sitting bawling my eyes out over a movie. One of the saddest movies I have seen in a while and it caught me by surprise. I thought it was this nice sweet movie and then the turn happened and I thought it would never end.

As I was watched the story unfold, I felt I was getting hit with a shotgun full of memories. Those memories I try to ignore. Memories of pain that I never want to see again. I know you have seen those movies that bring memories flooding back and you want to run out but for some reason you are transfixed to endure it all to the end. Well, that was the moment I was having.

At first, this poor guy…this very perfect guy falls in love with a deaf girl that has never found love because her Mom has suffocated her trying to protect her. He helps her find her place in the world and to stand on her own feet. As the story unfolds you find out her Dad has died and his Mom died of cancer. Sad, right! But then, she goes back to her Mom out of duty and has to give him up because her Mom does not see past that fact he is a waiter. She finally stands up for him and they are getting back together and well, he ends up in the hospital with advanced brain cancer. Yep…the rest of the movie is all about him dying. But throughout the movie he is the most positive, hopeful, guy that only sees the beauty around him. What a statement.

Why did all this affect me so much? Because, at first all I could see was "how could all this happen to one guy?". Such a nice guy, loved with all he had and lost it all. My mind obviously went to losing my Mom, so many times almost losing Olivia, times Dean and I just were not connecting and it almost spiraled for me into this horrible pity party. Then the worst of it is that sometimes I feel horribly guilty. Guilty because my girl lived. Is that not awful. But so many Moms I know, did not get that opportunity to have their kids and see them get better, not here anyway.

And somewhere in the middle of it all. The pity party, the reflection, the story in the movie I pulled from who I know best, God, and knew that the part of the movie that was crucial was not the sadness but the beauty. The beauty of the relationships that have held together through these horrible ordeals in my life. So many have held my heart, my prayers and my strength by standing with me. What a blessing that will never be forgotten.

The beauty of my marriage that has been rocked with all kinds of trials and tribulations. The amazing truth is that when you put two people together, God has to be the third person in your marriage. Sometimes, though not theologically sound, I think that is why we have the trinity. It is a picture that it does take three strands to stand strong. Just two of us would never have made it this far. But through love, friendship, forgiveness and God we have held on stronger and stronger through the years. I never thought that would be possible. But only beauty can come from the ashes of dying to yourself. The beauty of love as it unfolds, not in moments, not in the honeymoon, not in falling in love but from selfless acts over the years that transform us to be better people and better friends. To me, that is the beauty of love.

Then of course Olivia. The beauty of her personality. The kindness of her heart. The fact that she is a spontaneous giver. The morals that have already been established in her heart that she owns. These are traits that are unfolding like a rose. Slowly, her personality is starting to blossom again and I was not sure what it would look like. She had been so angry and upset for so long. But now, she embraces life. She soaks up every moment with as much enthusiasm as she can. She still gets mad because she gets sick so easily but nothing like before. The rose is slowly opening as her heart is starting to embrace life again and I love being there for each moment. That is the beauty of love. Seeing through someone to their heart and loving them unconditionally. So, that when it is a season for the rose in their heart to blossom you can see those velvety, beautiful petals.

The most important part of beauty is seeing life through His eyes, His ears, His heart. We can never even come close to being able to fully do that but we can try. We can look into someone's eyes and ask God to help us see them as He does. When words are spoken in anger, ask God to allow us to hear what they are really saying. When someone is hurting and wounded we can ask God to allow us to see their heart so that we know how to comfort them. When we start looking around life is beautiful.

So for me, my pity party turned into a celebration of sorts. Thankful for the beauty that is all around me. Special friends, wonderful family, wonderful husband and daughter. I lost my Mom but I still have my Step Mom. She has given me so much love and support that I needed. And if by chance my sister ever gets this far in reading my blog she might see how much I appreciate who she is in my life as well. My friends has sustained me through so much and loved me unconditionally. My husband, well, words cannot express all that he has endured personally and endured with me and still stood. That is beautiful love that makes us all very rich people. I may not have two pennies to rub together, like my Grandfather would say but I have more love than can fill the Mississippi river. And if you have ever seen the Mississippi river you would know how beautiful that is too.

The rest may fall. Jobs come and go…material things can go away but love and beauty will always last. I lost my job, life isn't that easy right now but I can do what I know how to do and that is live like God would have me live and trust Him with the rest by focusing on the beauty around me and not the worries that the world would try to put on my shoulders. Not that we should not do our very best to do all we can do but when we have truly done our best….letting God carry the rest. Focusing on the beauty allows us to be grateful for all that we do have and not want what we don't really need.

With Joy

2011-04-18T08:42:00.000-05:00

With Joy

Monday, April 18, 2011

This weekend was such a joy. I spent Saturday at the Extraordinary Women's conference with some dear friends and then church on Sunday. It was a completely joy filled weekend. What a fresh breath of air for me. I am finally rolling into real life. Life that does not have that horrible dark shadow that is always hanging on. A life of normalcy and expectation. What a precious gift.

My friend Barbara always seems to have the fresh breath of air around her. I love that. I love her joy, her expectancy of life. It is contagious so I long for the days that we can spend time together so I can breath in her air. At many points in my walk it reminded me of life.

God, this weekend, took a moment and reminded me of my gift of Joy. That it was back and overflowing. The gift was bigger than I ever thought possible. I realized on Saturday, as I listened to these women of immense strength and faith talk, how truly blessed I am. I heard them speak about where they had walked. I listened to their testimonies intently. I wanted to shout out Amen several times. Because I had been there, walked there, hurt there but now, I am free. Free to soar . Free to run and not get weary. I just wanted to celebrate the moment. That moment of Joy. That joy that comes in the morning from the long night.

Before my friend Donna was to speak at the conference on Saturday, we took a moment and prayed together. At first I was thinking how many times she had asked me to come, and now I could finally be here, as a friend with no worries, nothing hanging in the back of my mind, just a friend able to pray and be a support to someone else. What a joy that brought to my heart. Just to be!

Donna and I have been prayer partners for a little more than a year now and God has done some amazing things but we both live in different states so this was the first time we were able to pray together, in one place. Just the two of us. I could finally pray for her and it not at all be about me. I stood backstage and was prepared to call a host of angels down for my friend. But before we started she looked me right in the eye and asked me "how are you doing?" and without hesitation, I said "Great!". Then, I started to cry…crying because of the joy that overflowed. Crying because I could be there with my friend and crying because, well, because God is so good. But that moment was not about me. It was for Donna and you know what? It made it even more special. That I did not have to be in the moment of tragedy but I could be in the moment of hope, joy, support, and life. God breathed life.

As Moms we all take joy in our children. We can't help it. They are amazing. We all take joy in the love of our husbands. But, for me, that joy has so much depth that it just overflows. I can’t even talk about it without tears. Because for me, I was not sure if any of these days would ever be here. I have spent the last two years looking God right in the eye and saying "where ever you have me walk, I will walk, I am not sure I am going to like all your answers but I promise to keep walking". I kept to that scripture that says "do not turn to the right or the left" and Proverbs 3:4-5 "in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path". I have clung to them, I have screamed at them, I have begged God to release me and my family from this path and can we at least start a new one. But I can now, for the first time look back. Though that path was full of rough terrain, I would never want to walk another one. This path seemed to be the perfect one for my family and I. Rough terrain and all. We are healing but in such a better place. Our hearts are different. We look at life differently. We look at people differently. We have more compassion. We have more grace. We have more love to give because we have been filled with so much. We laugh more, we walk a bit slower in some ways so we can see life. Feel life. We are running without weariness and we are soaring with the Eagles. Spiritually.

I know, you are thinking it must be a great place to be, it is. Are there still mountains in our life. Oh yes. I lost my job a few weeks ago. We have a mountain of bills that I just look at and then look up. We have to prepare Olivia to finally be a teenager and get back into her social life which will not be an easy task. She has been sheltered and grown up in an adult world. You see, we still have issues but when I see who God is, how He has brought me through each and every valley, each and every heartache, each and every stumble….well, those are not problems. As my dear Donna would say, they are inconveniences. God will work those out, I just walk through the doors that I see Him open and continue to be obedient and it will all work out.

There was a time in my life that I would not have been able to sleep at night with just the bill problems. I would hold on to that issue until it was a not just a problem but a mountain in my heart. I have been so amazed at the view point I have today. I am not ignoring them. I am walking through and doing what I can but the burden is gone. Just being truthful and giving God my best. I still am amazed at the lack of stress it causes me now. Because I have way too much joy to see it any other way than God has it under control.

So, today I am blogging about the joy. Real, freeing, beautiful joy. It creates a new heart in me for sure. Maybe it will be contagious, like my friend Barbara is to me, and you will find yourself with a song in your heart today.

Bless you and keep you today.

In His Grip

Barb

(Just a side note, Donna was phenomenal. She is an amazing speaker and such a strong message for today. So if you want to check out what God has and is doing in this Extraordinary Woman's life go to www.donnavanliere.com .)

The Pure In Heart

2011-04-07T10:17:00.000-05:00

The Pure In Heart

"Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God". I have read that scripture many, many times as I am sure you have as well. I have heard it preached more times than I can remember. My picture of what that verse meant and what it means to me today is two completely different places.

Before, I think I saw that verse as an individual. You know, that person that is contrite and humble. They are soft spoken and when they speak all listen. Some of those things that I will never be able to do. One of them is being quiet. For some reason being quiet is not my strong suit. But that is how I viewed that verse.

I love word of God. You can read it over and over and over. The words seem to be ever living, ever breathing, always a word of life to my soul. I can read a book and never pick it up again because I know what happens, I know the plot and the outcome. But the Bible, I know the stories, I know a lot of the outcomes but it is like water to a thirsty soul. I want to read it again and again. Each time I turn the pages and breath in I see a whole new depth to the words that have been written. My perspective changes, my heart changes and I have new strength to carry me.

A couple of mornings ago is when I saw this verse again. I had opened an old journal of mine. I do that sometimes to remind myself of the things God has done for me and how He has answered His promises to me. The very first page is worn and the binding is quite broken on the journal. I start reading through those pages of years ago and I see a picture of myself. I hear myself talking through the prayers and outpouring of my heart to God. As I read I can even overlay the changes that have come about in my heart since that time.

On one of the pages I had written "God you keep speaking to me about your outpouring of love but all I see is that I am on this earth to suffer. I am trying to see you in all that is happening but the suffering is so hard to walk through" I wrote this, not in the last two years but in 2005. Before so much else was going to happen.

Why is that so important? Because you know how I started out with "for the pure in heart will see God". I finally got it this morning. Suffering is a part of the world but it is also a purification process. I say all the time that trials are like pressure to put your heart in a fired up crucible and allowing the dross to come up so you can clean out the "junk" that resides there. Crucibles are used to heat gold and silver and such. The heat purifies the mineral so that only the pure form remains. The trash and other items that have melded together with the mineral are taken out as dross as it gets hotter and hotter. They float to the top and is cleared off. This process happens over and over until only the pure mineral remains.

Sometimes we don't see the "junk" in our heart. Sometimes our friends or family don't see the "junk". But God sees the junk and wants to get rid of it in our lives. For me, it has been so many trials I can't list them all. Olivia's issues being a major part. But as I read that verse today I see those trials not as suffering anymore. I see them as a place to conquer. Because that purification process allows me to get a glimpse of God. Each trial fires up that crucible. I decide if I am going to see the "junk" and clean it out. But if I face myself and look into that crucible the Holy Spirit will help me clean it out. When I get it cleaned out I can see a glimpse of God and what He is doing in my life. If only just a glimpse. Then instead of "suffering" I can praise Him. Because He does know my heart and He knows what I need and His purposes are higher than mine. I can see those things that truly are more important than my pity party. I only have to listen to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to help me become pure in heart. What a revelation. That verse is not set aside just for someone else. That verse is not unattainable. That verse is just about something we do as naturally as breathing. We put our life in God's Hands and we get to know Him. In knowing Him it happens to be a natural process of love.

I am not totally "pure in my heart" but I am working each and every day to get there because just that small glimpse of Him is worth whatever I have to face in myself to get there.

Through the looking glass of parenting

2011-03-10T10:24:00.001-05:00

I think the best way to view ourselves and God is through parenting. Olivia gives me a look into myself and in her world that no other can give to a Mom but God. That simplistic thought and perception of life through such innocence and love is incredible.

I remember when she was a baby and she was wanting to walk. Her determination was evident in her eyes. You could sit and look at her face as her eyes traveled around the room mapping out her journey by the placement of furniture so she could pull herself up and walk to the next place. The only place she could not go on her feet was the kitchen. But then, that little brilliant mind figured out she could push her walker in the kitchen and be right up under my feet. I would turn around and trip over her more times than not. But even at the small age I could see those big eyes and so much was being said behind them. That brain was just working in overdrive. That was determination.

So it should not be a shock to me that she is so determined. That she "wills" her body to conform to what her mind wants to do. It has become a joke between the friends that really know Olivia. Because if you just look at her casually and watch her playing with other kids (even though now as a teenager I guess that might be the wrong word) you would have no idea how tired and worn out she is. She is doing her best to keep up. Then, as soon as we get into the car…she falls over in a heap and is begging to get home. I have never seen anyone with as much strong will power as this girl has.

Reflecting on the that strong determination, I see in her a perception of life that is different. I am reminded of something I had seen before and learned a long time ago but really now see more clearly than ever. The total beauty and sacrifice of the cross.

We all know that God sent His son to save us. We all know that Jesus took upon himself the sin of the world. We also know that he died and rose again. During his walk on this earth He never sinned. He couldn't sin. If He sinned He could not pay that price for us. He was fully man and fully God. So what was it that He accomplished for us besides forgiveness with the Father?

When I see the cross now, I think I get it. I think I see what happened when man fell…what happened when Christ came and died and rose again. You all may know this, I am sure you do but for me it was an epiphany of sorts. What Jesus did was die to his flesh so that His spirit was the "will". When the bible says he took the Keys to the Kingdom back for us. That was the key…the key to live our life above our earthly pleasures, desires, wants and our sin. That we could have the ability, with the Holy Spirit, to actually be so determined that we could will our spirit to help us walk through this world and not our flesh.

I have heard this before. I have taught it before. Even at our Women's retreat earlier this year we touched on it. But, it is one thing to "know" something and another to "see" it before you.

This January we went to see "Beauty and the Beast" at the Fox Theatre. What a beautiful opportunity. But Olivia was so very ill. We didn't even realize how ill she was. She was so determined to go. When we made it downtown she could barely walk. I kept thinking we should turn back. Go home. But she pushed on. I thought the walk just through the lobby of the theatre was going to do us both in. She was shaking, she was hurting, she was so weak. But, again we pressed on. Through all of it, not once did she say " I need to go home", not once did she complain, she just pressed on.

We found our seats and she curled up in it as much as she could and waited for the show to begin. She took joy in looking at the scenery, the costumes, the singing and the fun of it all and not once did she complain until we were ready to go. All she asked is if Dad could bring the car up to the sidewalk. As parents we really did not want her to miss something she so dearly loves but we also want to protect her. We rely on Olivia to tell us where to draw the line.

We made it home and she collapsed. On Monday I got the call to bring her in immediately that she was in acute kidney (yes, not liver) failure. All I could think of was how sick she was and we didn't know.

For Olivia, her spirit transcended her flesh and she was able to do something she loved. The same with Jesus. He pressed in to the Father's will and not once did he complain. He pressed on because of something He loved dearly, us. Not only did He press on but He left us the Holy Spirit to be able to press in to the Father and listen to His will for our lives and live above our flesh. What a gift is that!

It's A New Year

2011-02-03T10:51:00.000-05:00

When you start every New Year there is something within that automatically starts reflecting on the year before. We evaluate where we are, where we want to be and where we have been. But, when 2011 started my feet had already hit the ground running. I was already battle weary, tired and just so ready for a New Year that thought of reflection passed quickly.

Recently though, maybe a little later than we are supposed to, I had the time sit and reflect, look into the New Year and hope again. All of sudden at the end of the year I felt like I was overwhelmed with good things that were happening in our life. I ended 2010 a very tired girl. It seemed that the storms of life, the battle wounds and the whirlwind of life was getting the best of me. But in the midst of that storm God took a moment and blessed us. In fact the line "my cup runneth over" ran through my mind constantly. Though some circumstances seemed to not get worse, in other places we were overwhelmed with the goodness of God.

The ultimate view of last year would be that God is a mighty God. That His Hand covers all that we are, all that we see and all that is unseen. I see this huge portrait in my mind where God has placed each stroke with loving Hands and knows exactly the beauty that will eventually be seen in the canvas. His creative eye has already begun to put in the radiant colors called my life and is perfecting this picture so that maybe, just maybe, others might see who He is and that I might be just a small part of His perfect plan.

On my level of walking through this canvas of life I see each stroke of the painter's Hand in my life. I see the pain, the exhaustion, the stress and the walk of someone that everyday had to lay it all on the altar and trust that His plan was the right one. This I would call the crucible of fire that takes all the dross, sin, lost focus, and pain and burns it up so that all you see is the beauty of the gold that has risen to the top. From those ashes has become a beautiful testimony that I will never forget or regret. I will look back on those scars of human frailty as building blocks of trust and obedience to a Father in Heaven that loves me more than I can ever imagine. I have many years and miles left to go that I will go back into that crucible but last year , the entire year was lived inside the fire. So much was lost in the fire and what a good thing that was and so much was gained from His love for my family.

I wish I had time to recount all the things that , in the midst of the storm, God provided. He provided arms of encouragement and love when we needed it. He provided every financial need when it needed to be met, He provided hope when there seemed to be only despair, He provided strength through so many long days and nights of no sleep, He provided friends that prayed and prayed and still pray. At times it felt like He was in the room with me, guiding me, giving me wisdom and holding me so I could get to the next day. The closeness of God was alive in my heart and in my life.

So the deep waters of God overflowed into my life and there is nothing like it. At the end of the year the thing that God showed me, almost audibly, is that I have to start taking care of me again. I have to get back into the place of being all that I can be. He did that in two ways. The first was the Women's Retreat at our church. When I walked in all I could think of was dry bones but I was so surprised that the truth was Living Water was just wanting to rush out of me. WOW. How amazing. Where I was thinking I was downtrodden I was actually full of excitement, love and hunger for the things of God.

The other way He did that is with the Deserving Diva Makeover Contest that I won. From so many aspects that has changed my view. I had to take a hard look at where I am at in a different realm, this earthly body. Boy, that was a good hard look that I did not like but just like the pain and heartache it takes for to sometimes clean out our heart I am seeing the same thing Soul and Body. So this year, I am taking that precious gift and multiplying it to my health. So you might hear me crying in my cornflakes that I just can't do it…but then I will get right back up and start again. One thing I learned from the last several years in my life…I have a lot of tenacity, LOL.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

2010-12-11T13:42:00.000-05:00

Saturday, December 11, 2010

True beauty is all around us especially this time of year. It might be your home. I was in a beautiful home just a day or so ago and mesmerized by the beauty and warmth that was flowing through every room and every touch of décor she had in her home.

It might be in a supermodel. I recently met Cindy Crawford (yes, the Cindy Crawford) and the woman is just a natural beauty. No wonder men can't stop looking at her. She is so strikingly beautiful but also very lovely on the inside. I could see myself hanging out with her at Starbuck's just talking about real life. That is when I got over the "WoW" you look like that and well, I look like this, LOL.

It might be in a moment when an old memory dances across your mind and reminds you of something that brings back that smile. Maybe when you met your husband for the first time or maybe an old family memory.

It might be that new outfit you bought that makes you look and feel like a million bucks. You waited and waited for it to go on sale or you splurged for the first time in years just to get it.

It might even be that lady friend that is your mentor that just shines and oozes Jesus every time you talk with her. She reminds you of the things that are most important in your life and the priorities because she has gone ahead of you and knows the wisdom of a life well lived.

It might be your circle of friends that you laugh, cry and pray together through this road called life. That you hold them up in prayer before the Father with a little extra blessing because of who they are.

For me this Christmas I see all of that beauty but I also see something I have not seen before. The true "Eye of the Beholder" of beauty is the ability to see the handiwork of God through those eyes. The most precious place I see that handiwork of God in Olivia. I guess it has just caught me by surprise. She has been sick for so long that the personality of really who she is and what she thinks has been hidden. Now she is getting a little better everyday and she is talking. We are talking like we used to, or she is talking non-stop it feels like, but the conversations are so different. I am amazed at her heart and how she handles different situations. The love, mercy and grace in her heart is liking watching a rose unfold. Each day it opens a little more and the full beauty of the petals and the smell of the rose rise. After all she has been through, she could have made so many different choices about the person she wants to be. She could have been bitter, angry, frustrated and closed off. She could have been shy, scared, and ashamed because of all the different scars she has endured. But, instead of all those things, she has embraced beauty, mercy, grace and friendship as the character traits she wants to be a part of her life. She has chosen to allow God to heal her inside and out from all the things she has walked through. What a miracle. What a blessing. What a beautiful heart.

So, as Christmas is unfolding for you. See the beauty around you. Take a moment a let God shed some light through his eyes in what is happening with those around you, those in your home, and all the special things we love about Christmas. We celebrate the life of Jesus this time of year and I know his heart and eyes saw the true beauty in each of us.

Merry Christmas and thank you for continuing to journey with me through this life. It is a blessing that touches my heart in so many ways and I feel truly humbled and blessed by it.

Oh, and PS. I am starting my book in 2011…so look for it :)

In His Grip

Barb

The Real Heroes of the Faith

2010-12-02T09:51:00.000-05:00

The Real Heroes of the Faith

Be Still and know that I am God ! I have been sitting in my house just listening and enjoying the sounds surrounding the moments. I listen to the quiet, stillness of the morning. I listen to the dog barking her warning as the birds fly by the window. I hear the rain outside as it is coming down and I rejoice. My heart is soaking in the peaceful existence of being still and knowing He is God.

Sometimes when we describe our life it seems to form a picture of a book. From beginning to end is the book and we close chapters as we walk through these adventures of life. This chapter in my book is hopefully and prayerfully done. It is written. Yes, there will new chapters to write but today, after a long ten year battle this weary warrior has been allowed to come home to rest. Rest in the peace and quiet of restoration knowing He is God.

We all have our chapters don't we? The battles that are so intense that we literally have to gird ourselves in the full armor of God to take on the day. To even be able to put our feet on the floor to start the next day from the pain, bruising and continual onslaught of whatever road we are walking down should be written down as a monumental moment. The story, as it unfolds in this chapter of your life, seems to be the part where gloom seems to hover just at a distance. The cloud a constant reminder of the weight of the battle that is raging. We pull every fiber of our being to the Word of God and stand. We weary as the battle rages on. At times we think we cannot take another hit and survive it. But yet we do. We press on. We hold on to the truth.

The truth that He is God and He is our Father and has our very existence in the palm of His Hand. One of my favorite verses to hang on will surprise you but to me it shows me that God is a Father foremost. The scripture says the "what Father would give their child rocks instead of bread". So through the battle I hold on to the knowledge that God loves me more than I can imagine and His purposes will be for my benefit and not rocks of nothing.

For some of us the battle sends us into to places we never would have thought we could go. I never thought I could weather that first transplant and a second one unfathomable. It has been the hardest walk I have ever been in and yet I know so many that have harder walks. But it just never felt that the end was within my grasp. The pain and suffering that I have watched Olivia endure is insurmountable. Your mind cannot even wrap around it anymore. I cannot even begin to understand all that she has come through. I think a Mom any day of the week would rather it be her life in the balance all the time instead of her child. And the battle raged on.

It raged on with Olivia, it raged on in our lives as we saw my Mom pass away from cancer. A year later we sat numb as we attended the funeral of Dean's Mom, Stepdad and sister that were killed in a single car accident.

The devastation of moving to Atlanta. The financial burdens. The last two years when Olivia had been really so very sick it was scary. I knew way to many parents that did not make it to the hospital in time or get a liver in time. The battle just raged and there seemed no relief.

If I lived within those circumstances I think I would have gone insane. If I did not have a Savior and faithful Father in my life that gave me more than I could ever imagine I would not be able to even write this down. But in my peace filled moments right now I am learning more than I could have ever realized through the battle. My Father provided for me more than I can ever imagine and girded me with strength that surpasses all understanding. All by His Grace. But those things came with a big lesson. One that I will always remember and keep tucked in my heart.

I have learned the power of a praying people. I have seen the arms of so many linked together in prayer to the heavens that I know millions of angels were put to flight. The cloud of the mighty warriors were not from me but from heroes and some I may never know. I have learned that the real heroes in my life are not the superstars on television or the dynamic pastors with the great messages or books.(Though those pastors and books can speak into your life) I have learned that it is those around me that have laid down their lives, sometimes daily, to pray for me and my family. It is also the children God reminds every night to pray for Olivia. It has been those that have put hands and feet to the gospel in my life by holding up my arms, letting me be "real" at times, letting me be hard headed at times and also those that have been a friend and told me to get back up, brush off my clothes, check for any damage to vital organs and get back in the battle. Those to me are the Heroes of my Faith.

In your battle there will always be someone standing at your side, filling in the gap between the altar to hold your arms up in battle. To see things in a different perspective because they are not called to be in the battle with you as much as they are called to walk beside you. Giving you a drink when you are thirsty, giving you scripture when your spirit needs the balm of Gilead, giving you room to stand back up on your own when you need to, giving tough love, giving sweet merciful love and lots and lots of grace. Those people, those friends, those prayer warriors, that sweet family in Christ, those are the real Heroes of your Faith. They are the ones that have learned what it means to lay down their life for a brother and they know the value of the prayer of a righteous man. Because the prayer of a righteous man avails much. I am a walking testimony of those prayer warriors' and I am so thankful for each and everyone.

Comfort?

2010-11-14T09:48:00.001-05:00

Comfort?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Who doesn't love a good cup of hot soup in the winter or snuggling in a blanket in front of a good fire with a nice steaming cup of hot chocolate with those nice marshmallows in them. I know I do. I love sitting in a comfy chair and reading and I love a good pot of home made soup but most of all I realized yesterday that I love stability. When I think about the things that comfort me and allow me to heal, to think, to get perspective the one thing I know, it starts with some comfort. Sometimes small things that the smell of walking in my front door and sometimes big things like sitting watching a movie with Dean and Olivia. But the healing can start when I have something to lean on.

In my life of constant change I did not realize how much I crave comfort. You see, underlining all this whirlwind of surgeries, disappointments, frustrations and constant back and forth to the hospital you would think "Wow, she has it down". It seems like everyone else's week, we just go to the hospital. Sometimes it does become routine. But here is the reality, as long as I can prepare myself and I have the one thing that underlines it all….my nurses, then I survive. Those ladies on the floor that love me no matter what! When I had to handle life and death stuff they held my hand and my heart and helped me make it another day. When I could not take another Doctor they took the time to help me talk it through. They have loved me, cried with me and helped me walk a little straighter and stronger. So, why, oh why did God have to rock even that boat for me.

For the last week the Doctors have had this "something" about who is taking care of Liv. The Liver Doctors have written her off because according to them she is fine. If you have the chance to really look at her I would beg to differ but hey, the surgery went well. Her scar healed. She is losing blood everyday but I am sure that is just normal…UGGH. I had to draw their attention back to that point because they seemed to overlook it as they were so assured of her liver numbers. Then the pulmonologist. You never see them, they never come by, they have been just writing orders here and there and all the while…in this world of limbo Olivia and I have been at least assured of one thing, our nurses on the 6th floor. They love her. They don't judge her. They allow her to be afraid, hurt, mad, happy, and to work through so many problems that she has to face. So the idea of changing floors has been a looming dark shadow over us. Most of the fifth floor nurses are more about protocol, process, orders than the person. Of course they are nice and helpful but they are just not used to seriously ill kids. They are used to the teenagers with no parents here. Attitudes, frustrations and fighting them to follow protocol. You would think we would be a cup of fresh air.

So, last night, all of sudden we had to make the move to the 5th floor. I had prepared myself all week. I had prepared Olivia all week. But, when the time came I just fell apart. I just couldn't stop crying. I tried to hold it together but it just seemed my world was being ripped apart. I just could not figure out why I was so upset. Then it just hit me. That comfort. That stability. That kindness was gone. I would have to start over with new nurses. The struggle of having to make it all work on my own again was just ahead. The simple things and nuisances that you look for in a transplant kid is lost on this floor. My anxious thought of "what do you think" lost on a protocol than really just a Mom trying to get a thought or opinion to relieve the anxiety.

Then the big picture just loomed above me. God, "Why are you taking this away from me!"…"I just made friends that really understood where I am!" …"I am not the one always giving this time, there are people here that help me too!", " God I am so tired and weary". Dean wasn't even here to help me make the move to the fifth floor because he was home sick. I had to do it all by myself and boy that led to, " I feel like I am doing this all by myself most of the time"…(which is a silly pity party on my part and so not true but hey, there are times that you have to vent something out.) Then, as I was unpacking Sophie came to the door. Dear Sophie. And part of the picture that is bigger than my pity party came to light.

You see, Sophie's Dad left them the last time she was in the hospital. He decided he did not want to be a Dad anymore. But not just that he did not want to be a Dad, but he took the time to tell the kids that. Her Mom is in the middle of trying to start over and move to another state. Sophie is here at the hospital for the first time by herself. Even though she is fourteen, still, when you have had your Mom all the time it is hard and my stubborn attitude melted just a bit. She is two doors down. How can I not know that God moved us down to help her. And yes, comfort is nice. Walking this life is not easy but, God knew at the end of the day I could handle it. Because the picture is bigger than my comfort.

Don't get me wrong, when I get home I am making that soup, I am watching all the TV I want to and I am having a good cup of coffee and hot chocolate. You can count on that. I am even going to curl up in a chair and enjoy a good read in my fluffy housecoat. Then, I am going to cook and get ready for Thanksgiving at the King household with all the trimmings I can muster. We may have to freeze some food by the time I get through or give it away but who cares….my life is bigger than those moments of comfort.

I am called to lean on God, not nurses for my comfort. I am being called to a higher walk with God than I ever knew I could do. Because today people need to see real people living a real life with God. I love that at our church we don't call ourselves Christians but Christ Followers. Because the word Christian has become symbolized as something negative. But those that live life out as a follower of Christ just naturally draw people to them. Why? Because people need God. They need love. They need that comfort that I received from the nurses. They have emotional and spiritual needs that they can't even identify but when they feel it or see it…they know it! The sad part, it is the person going out of their way to help someone is out of the ordinary these days. It is the person caring for just a moment about someone else and not themselves that seem strange to our society anymore. The Christian walk is harder now than it has ever been because of how the morality of our culture has changed. So one person at a time. One moment of the time we are called to make a difference. Even if it costs us that one thing that means most to us. For me it was that small bit of comfort. But I know and God knows, I am strong enough to handle even losing that and like I told Olivia some child needed our room up there and they needed what we received more than we did. And down here, we will make the best of it and God will bless our time here…it will just be different.

Someday soon we will go home and I will be able to heal wrapped in the warmth and stability of my own house. My own living room, bedroom and kitchen. So I will look forward to that and not look back at what was lost but more importantly what was gained. I gained invaluable friendships. I gained love that I did not realize I needed so badly and I am learning one step at a time to trust God's design. He knows what we need and how much we can handle.

Oh, and just as I am finishing writing this the Doctor's come in to tell me that her blood problems might be related to an antibiotic she is on. Wow, they could have saved me so much worry if I had seen them yesterday. Yet again, give me a little comfort that things may not be what they appear or just trust my God to know what is ahead and just breath. Just breathing…..in and out…in and out…….

Wow, I am humbled to be honored

2010-11-04T07:36:00.000-05:00

Wow, I am humbled to be honored

Thursday, November 04, 2010

The days have gone on and on and I am so grateful for this opportunity to talk about my thoughts, feelings, and all the emotions that go with it. What memories I experience when I go back through some of these blogs and see how far we all have come. Because this journey has not been just my own, but all of you that have walked with me. I have been amazed at the journey. Sometimes good, sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes shouting from the mountain top. But each and every day I see the hand of God in this walk and that is all that matters. I have been amazed at the at what God has brought me through not only through the last few months but really, my whole life. My life has taken many rough climbs up the mountain with so many falls, spills, scrapes, cuts, and sometimes a broken bone or two but every step, every breath, every move with God is worth it.

More importantly I am amazed at how God uses this blog. For me, I am just writing my thoughts and heart…but for some it has been life changing. Now, that is a God thing. That God would even use such a simple writer to reach someone else. That makes the experience worth it to me. This is a writer that had to take writing twice in college to pass it. So even when someone says something good about my writing I just chuckle inside because I know God has blinded them to all the infractions, errors and grammar mistakes I know I have made along the way. So when I begin to tell you about a pretty cool award the blog received I hope you know it was a little more than humbling for me.

In His Grip received the Versatile Award

My dear friend Anita passed on the Award to me and I was completely taken by surprise. You have to understand that I am a member of a writers group that has stellar writers and Anita is one of those writers. In fact, she writes some incredible devotions on her blog called "From the Mango Tree". They all have books written and/or published. They all sit on some board for writer's somewhere and their abilities far surpass mine. The fact that they allow me to participate is amazing to me. In fact, when I started my blog I tried to hide it from them but ever so slowly I think they have all found it. I am truly humbled and honored to receive the award.

As a result of the award, I have to do two things: pass on the award to other bloggers, and share a few things about myself…so here is my list:

1. I love good coffee. I love Starbucks but my home Kuerig machine is the bomb to me.

2. I am so introverted though no one seems to believe that.

3. I am passionate about family , friends, Olivia and my husband.

4. I am passionate about writing even though I know I am not a writer. My friend Melissa's says it is all in the editing anyway.

5. I love to entertain and decorate my house for the seasons and/or holidays. Having friends over and just chatting is always the way to go with me!

6. I love my job. I love Marketing anything. If I could, I would work all the time so I have to force myself not to.

7. Spending time with my friends is the best medicine in the world to me. People are important. Their lives are important. Their friendship is the most important. To me, people matter!

8. I do not like rude people! I can't stand to be in a crowded store and see where the world has gone in rudeness. It makes me crazy!

9. The number one thing you need to know about me, I am passionate about living for God, knowing God and having a relationship with God. That supersedes anything else with me.

I am giving away the Versatile Award to these blogs that mean so much to me:

1. www.wordmom.com, Melissa is one of the best writers I know and has such a great humor

2. http://amellott.wordpress.com Anita really does have the best devotions

3. http://www.guideposts.org/blogs/woman-woman My friend Julie and her Mom write the best blog. It makes me miss my Mom so much. Great blog

4. http://2moms2kids1help.blogspot.com this blog I am proud of. My friend Kim and I started this blog to help other Moms with Chronically Ill Children and Kim is a great writer.

5. http://www.anemulligan.com/Ane_Mulligan/Home.html Ane has a great blog. I love the title Southern-fried Fiction. She makes me laugh.

6. http://psalm516.blogspot.com from Nora called Novel Journey. She writes about new books coming out and does and excellent job with the site and with her book clubs.

7. http://robertbeeson.com Robert happens to be a serious writer like me. We don't throw in many jokes and we seem to be more introspective. That may be why I love it. His blog is so worth the read.

8. http://livingwithbiliaryatresia.blogspot.com this is my new friend Kirk Kraft that is writing about his daughter's story but also including other hero kids going through liver disease

So now you have the blogs I like, some new things about me but what about you? Do you have some things you would like people to know about you?

Thanks Anita, I am quite humbled and thanks for all of you that read this. I pray all the time that God give you something new. Just maybe we will all learn more and I won't give up on my writing :)

In His Grip

Barb

Puzzles, perplexes, frustrations and then there is God!

2010-10-19T09:21:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Do you like jigsaw puzzles? I do, well, sometimes. I don't like the ones that are all one color. That is way to tedious for me. I need something that is challenging but not so detailed I can't get it done in a day or two. But when you open the box all the pieces pour out on the table and you start to organize them. The ends pieces in one pile and the middle pieces in the other. Each piece uniquely fits into some unknown piece. You place them in groups too if you can. You are hoping to find those pieces that relate and fit together.

Life can tend to be that jigsaw puzzle. Some problems you pour out on the table and try sorting to piece it all together. You know God holds the box with the picture but you can't quite make out the different lines and shapes that color that picture into your life. So you start putting things in different piles to see what might fit together.

For the last several months I have been trying to put together this puzzle of explaining God's plan for Olivia. I have hit that table more than a thousand times trying to get the right pieces to fall into place to help her understand how this life isn't always easy. We don't always get the road travelled well but, we get the road less travelled. That being angry with Doctors, or God…while is understandable is not healthy and will eventually lead you down a path of bitterness and unforgiveness. Discussion after discussion. She sits there listening. I know she is thinking "great! I got it! This is lecture 4,780!". She listens and most of the time is respectful but you see that in her eyes and head this is not getting to the heart of the problem. My words are only correcting actions not attitudes and definitely not heart motives. Her head understands but her heart is covered with the muck and the mire of disappointment, pain, emotions, and never ending struggles that seem to have a promise of hope and yet those hopes get dashed.

Then one day I do something completely unrelated to this situation. I have no idea why I was frustrated but that frustration led to a big piece of the puzzle that will unlock that girl's mind and open her heart.

I accidentally walked into God's plan. I was not praying and had an epiphany. I was not reading the Bible and the Holy Spirit whispered the answer to me. In fact I was completely in a frustrated place. It totally came from my frustration rather than a Godly place. I will insert here that I have been concerned and praying about this problem for a while so I can feel a bit better about the situation. The sad thing is that it was still my frustration that allowed me to see what God was doing. (insert a V-8 moment here).

So on to the problem of the day! Olivia loves to read. She has a passion for reading. I always approve the books she reads but I try and encourage her to branch out and read other things. She seems to get set on a series and will not put it down until she finished the whole series. When she is enveloped in a book she loves, that is all she talks about. That saying "you are what you read" characterizes Olivia to a tee. I do understand that most kids have so many other outlets going on and she is captured inside her room but still it makes me crazy at times. So, the other day she is going on, and on, and on, and on about a book she is reading. Oh, did I say she was going on and on…as a Mom I hope you get the implication. If you have girls in your house, really at any age, you completely understand. Girls are chatty. So, as she was telling me about the dragon book she was reading, the conquering hero, the size and shape of the creatures and the complete plot of the book, all 600 pages, I asked her about a devotional she was supposed to be reading each day. Of course she had forgotten, had been tired, had left it in the car and the list went on and on. I had purposely bought that book for her to do a daily devotion so she would be pouring in some about God each day. Did she not understand I was trying to help her with that anger problem she has been having? Did she not get that God was not going to talk to her if she spent all her time with those stupid dragons? Oh, did she not know that Mom was not trusting God at that moment but trusting Mom to help her? The answer to the last question…neither one of us got that point. Shhh…don't tell Liv the answer to that question because I was the only one privileged enough for God to show that answer to me.

The girl had promised me she would read the book. She had promised! I was so frustrated. In hindsight, not because she did not read the book but because I was desperately trying to open her mind to a more world view. The book had several stories about other kids that had gone through some devastating stuff and God had walked them through it. She was not getting it if she didn't read them. It seemed those other books were such a hindrance. I was hopping mad on the inside. So out of frustration I find my favorite book, besides Oswald Chambers, "Hinds Feet on High places". If you have never taken the time to read it…you will regret it. I search the whole house to find my copy and I march into Olivia's room and announce that she will not be able to read anything else until she finishes this book. I knew she would immediately jump on it and start reading so she could get to her next book in the series she is reading. That would fix that problem. She would have to read something about God. The book is set in a story manner like the Chronicles of Narnia so I knew she would not be "brow beat" by reading something too boring. But at least I would know that she was spending time, kinda, with God on her own. Insert here that obviously that might have been the point but God was using it in so many other way.

The funny thing. I forgot the significance of the story. I had forgotten how the story weaves the role of Jesus in our lives. How, when we are afraid and having to walk through the hardest valleys, He is there. His role is there to love us, to help us, to walk with us up that mountain. I had forgotten the whole premise of the book actually. I was too busy concentrating on getting a book I thought she would read than realizing the impact it could have.

So, as we are walking through the Suwanee Square I ask her about the book. She is telling me that the character names are weird but that she can really relate to the main character "Much Afraid". She also talks about the The Great Shepherd in the book and how that is Jesus. She starts talking about the things that Much Afraid is going through and how that is exactly what she feels and understands. When I wasn't lost in my own thoughts about what God was doing, I was mesmerized by the depth of understanding my daughter had. It was truly amazing to hear her talk. Then it hit me. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

There I was, standing stunned with my mouth wide open, realizing that Olivia's main problem was not anger at all. Her main problem was fear. And without me even realizing it, God was answering my prayer. He knew all along that the explosive volcano spewing out at times had nothing to do with being angry. He knew her more than I ever could and had the answer for her all along. He just needed me to step out of the way and let Him work. That moment of realization walked me into a few new places as a Mom.

One, Olivia was taking that next step of independence and two, it was time for me to start letting go a bit and let God do His work in her. That she had reached that age of accountability in some area's and that He was able to reach in and be her God, her Father, her Teacher, her Comforter.

In that split second of a moment, my little girl grew into a young lady. Most importantly, a young lady of God. She had always gotten it. The anger was never the problem. It was the fear of walking through those dark valleys over and over. Through this book I know she will start seeing the wonder and amazing grace of God that will help her. I just pray that I step out of God's way and learn to be her guide now. But that transition is awfully hard.

Facing our Fear

2010-10-04T12:48:00.001-05:00

Facing our Fear

Sunday, October 03, 2010

What a statement. Fear just starts rising up thinking about facing those things in our lives that we try not to think about. Then that fight or flight wells up in us and we are ready to go. We either start running or we pull out the armor.

This past year has been a multitude of fears and challenges for me. Most of the time I did not get the choice to run or fight, I just had to stand there and hold on, fighting with what seems like every breath I had. Praying harder than I have ever prayed and trying to listen to the Holy Spirit whisper every step of the way.

For me this is not so unusual though. Most of my life was and is a serious of situations that are fearful, out of my control and yet I have to face them head on. But there are times though, we get to choose. We have the opportunity to say, "no thank you, I will pass on this one" or "I am going to pull my big girl pants up and let's ride". Unfortunately or fortunately, I happen to be one of those girls that live in the "let's ride" category. This can be a blessing and a curse. You feel life more. You see life more. But you bleed more, you self evaluate more, you love harder, you expect more but it is so hard to keep yourself in a cage.

I think something changes in you when you have a choice. For so many of us our fear is a result of bad choices. I was sitting in my "Chasing the goose" class with Pastor Chuck last week and he was talking about the cage of guilt. All of us in the class could relate to the cage of guilt. We may have dressed our cage up so beautifully that it blends in with our lives. We have so eloquently positioned it in our lives that blends in with our view so that we do not even see it anymore. We know it is there, we heard it rattle at the beginning of reading this. But we have chosen not to face it.

Another view for me is fear is usually related to that guilt cage in some form, sometimes. That the conformity of our "church life" allows the devil to not only create guilt in our life from some bad choices but also creates fear that if anyone really knew me? That fear keeps us bound inside the cage of guilt. Our perception of what the Christian life should be keeps us bound by our own fear. Oh but the freedom to open that cage and choose to face it all and use it for God's glory. Real freedom. And that is a whole other thought.

As adults we can all relate, can we not? We have, at some point, created our cage. But what about a child that has faced fear and guilt with no baggage. No cage that has been built around her from bad choices, just life has created the fear and the guilt. What does this look like through their eyes. This weekend I was mesmerized with God, with people and with Olivia. It never occurred to me how much she would have to face being a part of the youth retreat. I never realized how much I would have to face allowing her to go.

When we arrived, Olivia was having a hard time finding anyone to really "hang" with. She was really new in this group of 127 kids heading out. Her friends were there but by now, after a year and a half of not being there, had created their cliques and she was outside the circle. I see her walk from one group to another as they walk off to see yet another friend. I saw her hope dash several times as she moved around the crowd and tried to fit in. As a Mom my heart just fell. I had to hold it all in and let her sink in that ocean of kids and it was killing me on the inside. At one point, I was about to cry so I had to move about talking to my friends to get myself steeled against the flight mode. Finally, she came up to me and just stood. I knew in that moment if I just mentioned she could ride with us instead of the bus, she would and that would be the wrong thing. How did I know that, all I can say is the Holy Spirit and prayer cover because this Mom wanted to scoop her up and protect. I am sure none of you have had that moment, LOL.

So, I gave her a minute and then I suggested she ride with us. Never in my life have I seen such fear and determination in my life. She rose up and told me that there was no way she was not getting on that bus. Wow. A girl that age, feeling lost and alone, having a back up plan. She could have run but not my girl…she bolstered herself up and got on that bus. If you are a girl reading this you can just imagine how much that took to stand there, take a deep breath and choose to face that fear. That fear of being different, not fitting in, not being accepted. She chose to face that fear head on. She knew the kids knew she was different. If not, well you couldn't miss the nose tube across her face and the tube hanging out her side. She knew she was a little awkward sociably because she doesn't always understand that teenage code because she has been growing up with adults and in the hospital. But instead of shielding herself from the fear she put her big girl pants on and went on that bus. I wonder if Jesus at some point always knew He was different He would always stand out and be different for the rest of His life. I wonder if, through His eyes, He saw more, He felt more and yet He chose to face it all. Choice is a freeing thing. It lets us soar...

That first fear was only the beginning. The challenges and the fears kept coming this weekend but Olivia and I had a huge step of growth. She was determined to keep up just like everyone else and that first night was a good one. She went to the first session, came back to her cabin and they played games, and she was making some head way into friendships. She was hurting and did end up coming to our cabin after everyone was asleep and tried to get some rest because the morning came very early. After the morning session and lunch they had free time to climb the Alpine tower and the alpine swing.

My first thought and really I was quite vocal with Liv about this.."You are not doing that!". It is 25 feet up climbing tower, you are harnessed but the climbing is difficult and well, she has all these tubes that could come out. The better part of parenting would be to say absolutely, emphatically, "No!". But, when you face so many things life, death, being different, things are way out of your control, as a person you have to be able to face that fear and know that you can face it and conquer it. So, Olivia pleads her case of facing her fear of heights. How simple that sounds to her but in reality she was facing so many more things than just that. How easy it was to see that my fear of protection was what I had to face. And well her Dad, he went along with it because he has two girls that keep him off kilter just enough to give in every once in a while. Somewhere deep inside I knew she had to do this if there was anyway possible. Because she is like her Mom. Face it, move on. Face it and live!

So we worked with the volunteers to get that harness just right. We worked with the other volunteers to make sure she was secure and off she went. Up that climbing tower. The first hard part she hit, she wanted to stop. It took all I had in me to keep urging her on. My Momma's heart wanted her to come down but my other Momma's heart knew she had to do this. Not because she was afraid of heights but she needed to conquer her fear. Her fear of dying, her fear of being mad with God, her fear of being different, her fear of being alone. There were so many things she was conquering in that moment because she had control and a choice. You see, those other times she was courageous because she had to be. There was no choice. She had to walk through them because what else could she do.

But, that day she had a choice. She chose to conquer her fear and have the control. So, she took that next baby step and kept going. I was cheering her on but then all of the kids were cheering her on. She was so proud of herself and yet still pretty terrified. But she made it! She faced her fear and won. She would not build a cage around her and allow the devil to take away her life. She was going to live it. Wow.

No one but me was able to witness all of that. Olivia has no idea that is what happened on Saturday. She just knows she did it and something changed in her heart. All of those kids have no idea how much it took for her to even take on that climbing tower. The month before she could barely lift her head off of a pillow. Physically, emotionally and spiritually it took five times more strength for her to conquer that tower than all of us on the ground. They never saw the accomplishment like I did. Most of the adults around were happy for her and loved seeing her but I realized how much they could not relate to where that child has walked. The depths of pain and courage that she had if she never even attempted to climb that tower. And no one will ever know the depths it took this Mom to push her on. To conquer instead of live in that cage. I know some of you know that depth because you do the same thing. Whether you send a child off to college, to the military or to give them a chance to move on in life the letting go is so hard. The dying to yourself is more than you ever imagined. But once they take flight….and you see them leave that cage…Wow.

I sit here reflecting on all of this I see how much God sacrificed for us through Jesus. So much more than we can even imagine. But, He had to let Jesus go. He had to let Him make the right decisions. He had to watch Him sacrifice Himself because God could see the bigger picture. That picture of all of His children knowing Him. Not lost and forgotten. Not different and alone. Accepted, loved and adopted into a family that allows mistakes…that allows sin to be forgiven…that allows us to free ourselves from our own cages of fear and guilt. And when we soar, all heaven rejoices! Can you even imagine.

Pastor Chuck, thank you for the inspiration. Your class has helped we walk back into that deep relationship with God that I have so needed for so many years. I have felt revived, energized and challenge to finish well.

Pastor Richard, thank you as well. For reminding me to always be a Christ Follower and not a Christian. Because I think sometimes we truly have forgotten that Christ is the one to follow, not each other.

Dean….thank you for always being there and always challenging me on what I believe.

Donna…thank you for challenging me to do even more. Girl, if I could just keep up with you I think I would be alright.

Barbara D...my dear, dear friend. Thank you for always reminding me to look to Jesus and to get off my rump and walk and always speaking truthfully into my life. No matter how hard it is...I love you for that.

Olivia…if you ever read this, thank you for being you. Because you are the reason that I know how much God cares for all His children.

Why Won't God.....Heal Me?

2010-09-23T10:21:00.000-05:00

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Yesterday was a great day in some ways because we, what Olivia and I call "breaking out" of the hospital were able to come home. We give it a spy theme to make fun of finally getting out of that place. This last time we were in a room so small I called it the broom closet. So we were ready to be home to say the least.

On the way home we dropped Dean back off at work and headed to the house. You know how it is though, in the car the chit chatting starts. Firing off all those random thoughts so that she has someone to bounce it off of and see how it sounds. The conversation is pinging off the windows in rapid fire fashion until she gets to the one that she is trying to ask but not sure if she should.

Some of my best and worst conversations always happen in the car with Olivia. I guess there is safety in the car than any where else. No one can interrupt you, add their two cents, listen in, or over hear except the person who you are talking to. Olivia I think decides then is the time to throw out those hard questions. These are the times that usually I get the big questions. The ones I can't answer, the ones that have to do with random things from being a teenager, to friends , to God. As she throws out question after question I promise I always get that one question that throws me for a loop and I start begging God for the right answer. The praying starts when the question starts because I feel it coming out almost like turning the arm on a Jack in the box. You are not sure when "Jack" is going to pop out but you know it is coming. So I start praying right then as she turns that question into another until she gets to the root of what she really is wanting to know. Because it is always that question that will make the difference in how Olivia sees life. What lens she chooses to use to view her life and those moments are not in the parenting handbook. And can I just say that sometimes I want to throw that parenting book out because it never covers those life things that get really messy.

Yesterday I finally got the question that I truly was dreading. I knew one day she would get the courage up to ask it out loud but I was hoping it would be with her Dad, youth pastor, friend…okay I am reaching here…I want to be there in the big question moments but I just do not feel adequate to answer them all the time.

Here comes the question, firing out like a bullet because she is mad. No build up to the question. "Jack" just popped right out with no time. Her question is wrapped in the fact that she is going home not feeling well. She is mad and she needs someone to understand she is just mad at her life at the moment. I believe you can get mad with God, He can handle it. But it is more how we deal with our anger that sin really gets into our heart and creates bitterness. This would be a critical answer for her to help her from wrapping that anger in bitterness. So Venting with God can be a good thing so here comes it comes in the overflow of anger "I know God can do miracles, I know He can heal people so "Why Won't He …..Heal Me". Now I put in the "…" because I know everyone has that question from time to time and those "…" allow you to put in your crisis with God. When Olivia asked that question, at that moment she wanted a real answer. Not a christianese answer, not bible references, not a moment to stop and pray, she wanted me to answer her because she knows I know Him. She knows that I depend on God for everything. I know His character and His believe and trust Him. Not just for myself but for her as well.

In her mind if anyone might have a clue, it would be me. Now, every Mom, friend, wife, sister that is walking with God has had this question asked of you at some point. Because we should know, shouldn't we? But the reality is, there are questions that do not have answers yet. Some questions we may never have answers to this side of heaven. And that is where trust comes in. That is where knowing Him and His character helps us trace his miracle at each turn. Her pain, her hurting, her frustration of not being able to be a normal teenager slipping away, her dreams seem impossible to conquer and day to day she can help people, love, make a friend for a moment but in the big picture "Why don't He Heal Me?".

Over and over we discussed so many views of our life walk. We have talked about how it helps people, we have talked about life getting better a little further down the road, we have talked about God's glory being revealed but today…those were not the answers she wanted. Today she wanted it all over. She wanted to move on. We have been going to church, shopping, cooking, getting together with friends when we are out of the hospital and this taste for life has just been enough for her to want more. And when you know God can heal, well, you want to know why you are still not healed.

Today my answer had to be more honest and more real for her. Today, it just had to be the thing that she could hold on to for another minute. For today, she just needed to know "why me?". Because she was asking as well, why is He letting all this drag out and go on and on and on. Why do I have to be in pain? Why do I have to look at another horrible operation? Why do I have to be the one to go through all this? Yes, I know Mom, there are so many others worse and I am thankful but Mom! The only answer I had at that moment that was raw, real and honest was "I don't know why?"'

But in my desperate plea to the Lord to help me because these are life changing issues she is talking about. Huge spiritual issues, I start begging for help. In my mind I am desperate for the Holy Spirit to show up and audibly talk. For God to provide that "dang" burning bush in the car so I can point to it. Some huge miracle that will engage all her senses so that she would see how Big My God is.

Then I see her face in the rearview mirror, but not just her face, her ng tube and it all comes together, for me anyway. Because that is only one of the many battle scars that child has on her. If you were to see her stomach, it could make you cringe the amount of scars on her body from surgeries, stents, and g-tube placements. But they all have on thing in common. A walking, breathing testimony of God's grace, mercy and healing. I choke up and can only talk in a whisper as I tell her my story. My truth. My raw honest truth as I pray it pricks her heart and shows her something about God that she may have not seen before. Because we are always looking for the big miracle but really the small miracles are what cling us to the cross and draw us closer and closer to Him. The big miracles we eventually forget…but the small ones…well, they seem to change our perspective, longer.

We started talking at first about why God is allowing this all to drag out. Would this next surgery be the end or just the beginning to another long path of surgery and another transplant? The only thing I told her that I was sure about is that God was in the middle of it all. I started talking about how if God healed her right away that maybe, like so many others, she would forget what God had done. That each step we walk we have those small miracles that remind of God's hand in our life. This way we all would have that moment we will never forget….when Olivia starts to run again. …that God had been with us the whole way. That each step was designed by Him as long as we press in to hear where the next step is supposed to be. I am not sure why some people are miraculously healed and some of us walk this path of bruises and heart ache. That I was not sure if that was a reflection of how stubborn we are or not, but at least God loved us enough to allow us to keep going.

At fourteen she may not feel healed but this Mom knows her path of healing. I have walked this path so long with Olivia that I had really forgotten during the battle the miracles that God has done. So I explained to Olivia something that I just realized myself. All of those scars etched in her body are my miracles. All of these days are a miracle of His healing. No, it does not seem that way but in reality it is almost like the Israelites building an altar when God did something for them. That stone altar always represented God's might and His answer. And there is a Olivia. The traces of God's hand all over her body. His protection and mercy on her very life represented by each day that she has made it through. Her entire life is an answer to "Why Won't He…." because those scars represent when He did. No, we did not have that miraculous healing but we have something more. Something precious. We can see the Hand of God in our life daily. And I told her that when I look at her, I see more love of the Father for me than anyone in the world. Because she means so much to me and His Hand has held her through it all. That she is one of the strongest, bravest, stubborn people I know and that every trait she has, has been etched by His Hand and her scars are there to prove it. His answers don't come easy for us but His provision, His love, His comfort is evident throughout her life. "That might not mean as much to you" I tell her but to me, it has changed my life. You are my walking miracle and so I can keep believing for the next one, the next one and so on.

Praying for your miracles today. Praying for the answer "Why won't He…?" for you.

In His Grip, always,

Barb