Harris Family

Never

2015-02-21T19:42:00.000-08:00

Weather man said it's gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldn't be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me
But you went away
How dare you, I miss you
They say I'll be OK
But I'm not going to ever get over you
Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I'm not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
'Cause you sing along with every song
I know you didn't mean to give them to me
But you went away
How dare you, I miss you
They say I'll be OK
But I'm not going to ever get over you
It really sinks in, you know
When I see it in stone
'Cause you went away,
How dare you, I miss you
They say I'll be OK

But I'm not going to ever get over you

Songwriters: SHELTON, BLAKE / LAMBERT, MIRANDA

How I'm feeling today 2/21/15

2015-02-21T19:35:00.001-08:00

well...
I honestly don't know how I'm feeling.
It's been 6 weeks tomorrow since we never got to say goodbye to Jon. 6 weeks since I touched and kissed his cold face on the last day I ever got to see him alive before walking away from my love and going home lone for the first time.

But what I can tell you is the pain is so real. And so strong. And has not let up. Everyone that tells me that time will lessen the pain.... it hasn't yet. In fact, it's worse. Everyday without Jon is another day without him. And that is just unbearable!!

I feel ungrateful when I'm sad and don't think about the amazing man that lived and loved and shared his life with us. I feel ungrateful when I do smile and remember the good times and laugh and have a good time because I'm not crying over the man I lost.
This is why I have no clue what to feel right now.

But what I do know? He should never have died. He did not deserve to die. And I can't accept the fact that he did die. It's not fair!! It's not fair that he doesn't get to watch his children grow up. It's not fair that he doesn't get to finish watching the Walking Dead. It's not fair that he doesn't get to live out our lives the way we had always planned to do. It just isn't fair that he is dead!!!!!
I do know that he was an amazing man. So accepting, forgiving, supportive, loving, patient, grouchy,handsome, gentle, firm.... and he has left such a void in my life that I can't even catch my breath sometimes!

And what I'm really pissed about right now?? We went to his cousins wedding today and I watched his bride and her father share a beautiful dance to the song "Time after Time"... and I realized that Jon and Rielly will never have that dance at her wedding.
And that is NOT FAIR!!!

Well.... Reality SUCKS!!!

2015-02-17T04:05:00.000-08:00

It has a been a great while since I have posted but all that is about to change. Because my whole world has changed and I need an outlet to just write.

I will warn you- from here on out, these postings may or may not make sense. And I don't care. They will contain a lot of swearing because I am a pissed off woman these days. And they will make you cry because I will be crying a lot as I post. And if they don't, grow a heart! So here goes....

The love of my life, my husband, my soul mate, the man of my dreams and the father of my two beautiful children died on January 11th, 2015 at 10:22pm.

There you have it.

It has taken me 5 weeks to even want to write anything about it but I feel I need to. Not just for me but for my children and for him. Because he lived. He lived 36 wonderful years. Well I don't know about the first 22yrs (I can speculate from what he told me but it isn't my place to share that time in his life) but he lived 14yr wonderful years because those are the years I knew and loved Jonathan Wayne Harris. And I will always love him. But now he is gone.

The evening of January 11th, I made our family chili cheese dogs (no longer allowed in my house) and sat down to watch tv just like any typical Sunday evening. Jon had been sick off an on and his ankle bothered him for over a week but that night he was feeling good so he fixed himself his usual girly drink- strawberry Sunny-D and pineapple rum after the kids went to bed and we sat down to watch Sister Wives. I hate that show!!!
If I ever met Kody Brown, I would want to first castrate him and then punch him in the face repeatedly with his pencil penis and my fist. He is such a condescending and controlling douche bag.

Anyways so I was bitching about that and Jon was playing trivia crack and all was perfectly normal. He got up to use the bathroom and came back down and sat next to me and his head fell back and he started making weird snoring sounds. I nudged him hard because it freaked me out and I asked him if I needed to call 911. He said no and for about 20seconds, he seemed fine. Until it happened again but this time, his whole body fell on me and he projectile vomited everywhere. I was already dialing 911 and screaming because I knew something wasn't right. Jon was in and out of consciousness and between the two of us and my adrenaline, I was able to get him on the floor.
The 911 dispatcher was AWFUL and I was basically screaming at him. He kept saying "ma'am I can't help you unless you calm down"... so after a few MANY f-bombs were thrown out at him, my door busted open and paramedics came in and all I could do was stand in the corner and cry.
Reese kept coming down and I told him to get upstairs but he was as freaked out as I was. Rielly was thankfully still kind of asleep at that moment. So they got Jon into the ambulance, I called the neighbors to watch the kids... the last thing I saw when driving away was Rielly in her window crying and watching and Reese at the doorway completely freaked out.

There're other details that remain really un-important to everyone else but me but when I got to the hospital, I was too hysterical watching what they were doing to my husband that they took me into the "quiet room" where I remained until the drs came in.
It doesn't matter to the masses who was there with me but what matters is that when 2 doctors walk into the quiet room and close the door, prepare for the worst. Because they will give you the worst!!! They told me that my husband, my best friend in the whole world, had 2 massive heart attacks and they were unable to revive him when he got to the hospital. So at 10:22pm on Jan 11th, his life left this world, and I wish mine had as well.

As you can imagine, this is very painful for me to write so I will sign off now. Everything is still so fresh.
But I do eventually want to share the strength my children showed from the moment they learned until now. They are the gift that keeps me living.

So here's my warning... I'm writing this here because this is my own personal space in the world that people can come because they want to- not because my woe is me pops up on their news feed. So if anger and bitterness and tears and love and MY LIFE is too much to handle, please don't come here. That is your choice. My hope though is that I can help others who someday, your god forbid, will have to go through this or anyone who just wants a fresh perspective of how real and fresh and short life really is or you're just my friend and you love me and don't mind me bitching about my reality.

Until next time, cheers Jon! I love you more than you'll ever know!

Moving....again?!?

2014-02-17T19:37:00.001-08:00

So about 2 weeks ago, I was cruising around online and drooling over new homes in the area.
We have been wanting to buy a home for awhile but because of our short sale several years ago, we just weren't sure it was a good time.
But the more we looked at these houses, we thought looking what is the harm in just looking??

So we lucked out on getting this amazing real estate agent Amy K.(if you're looking for one in the Nashville area, she is a must!) and started checking out homes in Smyrna.
Nothing was doing it for us.

So after branching out into Murfreesboro and a dozen or two houses later, we stumbled on this house that had everything we wanted!
From the outside, we weren't too impressed right away because of how close the houses are together. But completely wow'd when we went in.

Hardwood floors, like new carpet, stainless steel INCLUDED appliances, great paint colors and in AMAZING condition!
Plus the size is perfect!
And the schools are a 10!

But then Amy tells us the house already had a bid that was being submitted that day!
We honestly had no intentions of putting an offer in yet since we really didn't want to pull the kids out of school in the middle of the year.
But then we didn't want to lose the chance. And what harm would it be to give the other buyers a little competition. Honestly though because we couldn't close right away, we really didn't think we stood a chance.

SILLY US!
They accepted!!
Of course we are having to close much earlier than we wanted.
But we'll just have 2 houses until schools out.

Thank goodness having 2 months without a mortgage payment!
So now we wait.

But here is our house...if all goes well! I just wish it was my decor too!!!

Rec Room upstairs

Office but will also be our piano room

HUGE walkin closets

Kids bathroom

Very nice hardwood floors

Dining room

Guest full bathroom

Master bathroom

kitchen

Laundry room

Living room

Backyard (we'll be having a fence installed)

Master bedroom... I want their furniture!!

Master Bedroom closet.... this pic shows about half the size. HUGE!

Garage

Entry Way

Upstairs hall

So there we have it. We'll be moving in end of May...anyone want to come visit?!?!?!

Post from Shannon: stepping out of my comfort zone

2014-02-07T17:56:00.000-08:00

Hey my 2 followers!
I'm taking a risk in writing today because I don't know what the outcome will be. But I'm going to open myself up to you and anyone else that ever comes across this blog and this post. Please read with an open mind and an open heart while I share something very personal and heartfelt with you; my life.

The last year or so has been the biggest life changing time of my life. And to be honest, they have been the best I have had in a long time.
I've been finding myself. I'm not there yet. I have a long way to go. But I'm getting closer.
Yes I've lost a bunch of weight. And yes I've been working my butt off getting an education. But that isn't what I want to write about today.

I'll preface this with a disclaimer. What I'm writing is only for me. And my journey. Not my kids, not my husbands. Just mine and mine alone.

For 33 years, I've been a part of something that was great. Great for millions of people. Something that brings peace and happiness. Something that is beautiful.
Something that I never felt was for me.
I will never regret the experiences I have had because without being a part of this, I would have never met my husband. I would then never have had my amazing children. I wouldn't have met some great people that I hope will remain my friends throughout all this. So it will always remain a part of my life.

This is where the change comes in.
Deep Breath...
I know many of you already know this but for those that don't,

I no longer believe in the gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I have had many spiritual experiences in my life that I will forever cherish. And those experiences I can't discount as coming from a higher power to soften my heart and keep me believing and to have a greater understanding of Gods love for me.
I always assumed I had these because of the organization I was a part of.
But for me, that is no longer true.

God loves me because I'm a good person.
I don't have to be a part of a man made organization to know that.

How do I know this?

Well....I used to be extremely judgmental.
*I* used to think that being a part of this organization was the only way anyone could return to live with God again. And not just a part of it but an active time and money giving, rule following, long underwear wearing, no coffee or alcohol drinking, guarded tolerance of others who are different, perfect submissive homemaker and mother part of it.
Please understand that not every member is like this.. but this is how I felt I had to be in order to be with my family again after this life in the highest kingdom of eternity.
And I was failing. Miserably.
And I was/am depressed. Zoloft daily depressed.
Going to church was painful. Listening to the lessons from people saying that all I needed to do was pray and read my scriptures and have faith (faith in what??) and everything would work out left me with anger because what was wrong with me that doing those things wasn't working. Why wasn't I happy then?
And that lead me to wonder other things....
Maybe I wasn't happy because I was in a bubble that was holding me down.
That I don't have to be all those things.
It just wasn't me.

So I took a deep breath and started climbing out of the bubble.
I started asking questions of WHY I was supposed to do all those things to gain my eternal salvation when all God asks of us is to love HIM and love my neighbors.
Where did these rules come from? Were they truly from God or from someone trying to gain some sort of control by making me think this was the only way to be with my family again?
And why was I not happy when I was told by doing those things, that is the only way I'll be happy?
Why would God require them from me and those in this one particular organization but to hell (literally) with everyone else?

That lead me to other questions...
Patriarchy in the organization
Revelations vs. Social change and pressure (ie blacks in priesthood, women's rights)
Polygamy in the beginning and how it's still practiced today (it is..)
Polyandry (look it up)
Brigham Young... ohhhhh that man!
Views on homosexuality
Peep stones
Book of Abraham
Plagiarism in the BofM
Early temple ceremonies
Current temple ceremonies
etc etc etc

So I would ask but could never get a real answer other than to not ask. And to just have faith. And that asking or questioning is bad and I should never do it.
But if this is all so true, why is asking questions bad? There should be nothing to hide. Right?
Why am I expected to give my life and everything that goes with it without knowing why?

So needless to say, I started looking for answers on my own. I've gotten a lot of criticism for that too.

But asking and finding some answers has brought me to where I am now.

I've realized that I don't know what's true and wasn't isn't.
And that's ok.
I'll never stop asking questions that I want the answers for. That's just who I am.
And I'm going to live my life the way I want to.
And to love others UNconditionally.
And to accept people for who they are.
And to be tolerant.

This is what the God I want to know asks of me.

So I'm cutting the ties that bind and I am going to get to know God without the restraint that I had put on myself.
I'm going to accept and love myself. It's going to take time but I'm going to get there.
I'm not going to feel guilty anymore for things I have no control of.
This is a struggle though. Because for 33years, I've let myself think that God will punish me for eternity if I do certain things or think certain things or feel certain things. But honestly how can such a merciful and loving God do that to me when I am still a good person? If we are created in His image and our ultimate goal is to become like Him, is that the person I want to be? So I don't think God is this way. And the only way for me to come to terms with this is to separate myself from the source of these feelings.
And like I said, I have let myself feel this way. They didn't make me. I did it.

Because there is a HUGE difference for me between spirituality and religious and I have become a more spiritual person the less religious I have become.

So what do I believe?

I believe that we are all equal in the eyes of the creator. Equal. He loves us ALL. The creator that I want to believe in anyways.

I believe that if we live a good full life, we will be entitled to what God has for us in the eternities. He won't keep me from my family because I indulge in a cup of coffee or a glass of wine or decide to go swimming on Sunday. He won't keep my sister from her husband because they were married in Vegas and he's Jewish.

I believe there's potential for good in everyone. Well most everyone. Even the jerkoff who broke into my car. But people who hurt children... well that's another story.

I believe in the laws of the land as sucky as some can be. No one is above them even if they think they are. No church, no politician, no one.

I believe that we are entitled to happiness. I believe in happiness. And the pursuit of happiness.

And I believe that beliefs can change. And it's okay. It's progressive. We are creatures of change. It's constant. Just embrace it and don't hide from it. Own the change and own the past. It's ours!

One thing I do want to clear up though. There's a common misconception among the church community in which they think those that walk away from the organization do it because:
*they are offended
*desire to "sin"
*faithless and lazy
I know this because I have thought the same things. And maybe for some that's the case. But for many, this is just not true. And for me it's not at all. My need to step back is based on my desire for truth and personal happiness that I was unable to find within the religion. That's not to say it will always be this way. And that's not to say I won't go to church at all ever again. I will go when I feel I need it. Not because I'm obligated to. I will go if my children want to go because I won't deny them their own quest for knowledge and happiness.

So there you have it friend(s). I know some people will think I'm a lost cause.
And that's okay.
But I know I'm not.
And those that truly love me and care about me will always love me and care about me.
No Matter What!
This was not a decision taken lightly. Many tears and prayers have gone into learning what I have and feeling as I do.

Love,
Shannon

Remember me??

2013-04-14T16:50:00.003-07:00

What a slacker am I???

So much to blog, so little time.
SO I'll just start from where I am now.

Semester #2 is almost over at MTSU. So ready for that!!!! Looking forward to a funfilled summer! Nashville Shores, Florida, Universal Studios, Disney, beach and best of all; NO SCHOOL!!!

I'm fully recovered from my Gastric Bypass surgery and feeling great! I've down just over 65lbs and feeling great! I hope to lose another 20 but having not been this size since exiting the womb, I'm pretty happy with it!

Kids are doing great. It was a hard adjustment for Reese especially with his new school but he is getting the hang of it. They are both playing soccer now and both in piano lessons and really enjoying it.

Jon's job is great! Got a raise and a bonus this year and we've been really blessed from it.

Life has been kind of a struggle for me personally. Without going into too many details yet, I've starting looking for some answers to questions I've had for a very long time and finding them has been a difficult journey.
Life can be tricky sometimes but one thing I do know- God loves me and He will always be by side. That's a beautiful thing!

So forgive me that I can't catch you all up from my last posting but I hope to be better from now on. But I'll leave you with a thought for today that I've really found to be true:

I'm still here!!!!!

2012-09-20T05:20:00.000-07:00

Hey all! I'm still here I promise! I am so behind in updating that I don't know where to even begin! I've been posting a bit over on www.runphattyrun.blogspot.com just abou my surgery and all. But once life slows down, I'll get this page back up and running! Just know: Kids are doing great We moved and love our new house in Smyrna Going back to school in your 30's is not as easy as it seems Life is good Love you all!

Place in this world...

2012-06-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like

I'm Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own
Show me

I'm Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

I absolutely love this song.... I have been thinking about it a lot as I've been searching for my own place in this world.
I mean- I know I am supposed to be where I am. With the husband that I have, my children... even my dog!
That is my place.
But I know there is more to enhance this experience we call life. Which is why this yr, my life is taking so many twists and turns. And while they may be difficult and scary and hard, they are supposed to be part of my world. Yesterday in the mail, I got this:

So.. it's really happening!!! By mid July, I will once again be a college freshman! Only 14yrs later! And I'll be enhancing our financial future (well not by much) and my way of life.

I also got a all this morning from Bobbie at Vanderbilt Weight Loss saying that all my requirements have been faxed off now to my insurance and they have 15 days to respond.
So by mid July, I will have a date of when I'll be physically changing my life.

But the one thing that will never change is my heart. The love I have for family. For others. And increase the love I have for myself. And hopefully won't change the love others have for me. And now... I will never forget!

Thirty-One LOVE LOVE LOVE

2012-06-10T19:56:00.001-07:00

I found a new obsession!!!

I hosted my first Thirty-One party not too long ago and completely fell in love!!!
What is Thirty-One?

After my party, I realized I just couldn't get enough. Of course we all know my bag obsession! But what really drew me to this company is the bags aren't only super cute but they are SO roomy, extremely durable, easy to clean and you can personalize them!!

So I decided... why not join them?!?!?! So here I am.

I swore after selling Tastefully Simple for several years that I would never do direct sales again. So for me, this says a lot because for one- I'm cheap! And two- I hate being pressured and to pressure. But for me, these bags are perfect for everyday use and for organization!!

So check them out!!!
www.mythirtyone.com/shansharris
You can always shop under any party I have going on (those won't charge or ship until the party closes), or just shop on your own. Or email me and I'll hook you up!!

Oh did I mention that when I hosted my party, I got $90 in free stuff, 2 items half off AND an exclusive item for a huge discount???

I got this rolling thermal and I LOVE it!!
And my party was online so I hardly had to do anything! So for now, I'm only doing online parties with my hosts.

Every month, they have a cool special going on. This is this months:

PS: I just bought Reese this thermal with his name on it because I'm tired of him loosing his lunch bags!! Rielly will be getting one to next month since it'll be on special and they both are getting backpacks with their names on them! I'm excited!!

Changes....

2012-06-10T19:37:00.001-07:00

“It doesn’t matter where you are, you are nowhere compared to where you can go.” -Bob Proctor

And I am ready to go somewhere!

Typically I hate change. I avoid it however and whenever I can. Until lately.
I'm embracing change. Realizing that no matter what, the ONLY THING constant is change!

So this year I will be changing.

Changing my diet and my weight because I am going to be having gastric bypass surgery. You can keep up with that at www.runphattyrun.blogspot.com

Changing my routing since I will be going back to school to begin my several year journey towards getting a teaching degree.

Changing our vacation norm since we are taking the kids on a cruise with us next month rather than going along.

Changing.. well hell I don't have much left to change so maybe I'll change my hair color, get some new jewelry, definately smaller clothes, etc... but the above two will change my life completely!

So CHANGE... here I come! I should say we because these will affect my family. So CHANGE... here WE come!

2012-04-22T10:39:00.001-07:00

Hey friends! Vote for my kids would ya??? We could use the money for summer clothes! You can vote once everyday :)

https://apps.facebook.com/promotionshq/contests/210794/voteable_entries/48180488

My new baby!!!

2012-04-20T16:57:00.003-07:00

And I love her!

What the hey is it you say?? Well I'll tell you-

The Silhouette CAMEO® is an electronic cutting tool for personal use. Like a home printer, it plugs into your PC or Mac® with a simple USB cable. However, instead of printing it uses a small blade to cut paper, cardstock, vinyl, fabric and more up to 12" wide and 10 feet long. The machine also boasts a quiet motor and the ability to register and cut printed materials.

Why do I like it? Because for $18/mo, I can get $150 worth of images (.99each) and unlike a cricut cartridge, I pick which images I want. I can cut ANY font I have on my computer. I can create images through the program, print it and then have my cricut cut it out perfectly. I can cut vinyl of any length. Etc Etc Etc.

Here's a few projects I made with it. Keep in mind, I've only had it a few weeks and haven't played too much but it really is fun!

Invites for K.B.'s sons graduation brunch

Easter baskets for the kiddos

My very first project

Changes

2012-04-20T16:52:00.002-07:00

I'm still here!
I miss all my blogging friends.
Life gets busy... I shouldn't let that stop me from blogging though.

I have started to blog on www.runphattyrun.blogspot.com

Not really about running anymore tho.
But I'll be on here more often and get better abt sharing my life with the world!

Letting Go

2012-01-21T07:14:00.000-08:00

Confession: I was on a dark road last night driving home from dinner with friends and I was looking at my phone. It wasn't like I wasn't watching the road or anything but I'll call this awful,illegal, and dangerous multitasking. Not sure why but I just put it down suddenly and looked up. A guy was walking down this road wearing black and had I not been looking at that exact moment, I would have not seen him and hit him. There was no voice in my ear saying look up. No powerful kick. But it was something giving me that feeling to look up. I could have hurt someone last night. He was stupid to be walking down that road but still.. it would have been bad.
Why am I saying this? Because I believe this was one of those moments that I truely felt I was being protected by an unseen power. And so was the idiot wearing black on a black road at almost 11pm.
And why was I?
Me- who has basically all but given up believing that God is truely mindful of me. Me- who has pretty much let those I attend church with affect my desire to attend anymore.
Me- who has many times had such anger in my heart that I questioned all I have been taught and almost threw it all away.
Why would I have been saved from a lifetime of regret and flashbacks and knowledge that my decisions not only changed my life but someone elses for the worst?

I don't know.

But I was.

And it is a kick in the pants. It's time to get things back in gear.
Time to stop letting other peoples choices and actions affect me.
Time to be okay that I'm not accepted by many people I worship with.
Time to be okay with the fact that I possibly will never feel another child growing in side me.
Time to be accountable for my own thoughts and actions rather than blaming others. Time to be okay if people don't like me and stop harboring my own feelings of dislike.
Time to hand things over to God and let Him help me with my time.
Time to LET IT GO!

As I was thinking about this this morning and thinking about the things and people and friendships I have lost lately and the feelings I have felt, this song kept coming into my mind.
I hope I can do this.. because it is time.
And it is freeing!

I can still recall the hour
my father told me it was time
to let it go.
Though it's mended wing had made it sing
He said the bird I cared for was not really mine,
Let it go.

"Letting go," he said, "seems to break your heart.
Though it will heal it feels slow to start."
Though the pain burned within me so,
He held me tight so I could let it go.

Years have passed since then,
And so has he, but I still hear his words,
"Let it go."
There's so much of life that can't be lived
When you're still holding on to hate and anger deep inside.
Let it go.

Letting go opens up the heart.
There is a new day hungry to start.
You can't change what has hurt you so,
But you will heal if you can let it go.

All that's wrong in your life
Let it go.
All that is worth saving is love.
Love will hold you tight,
Love lifts the burden,
And love shines the light.
Only love nourishes us so;
If it's not love, simply let it go.
**Michael McLean

I just read this passage that was written in another blog from the book "The Continous Atonement" and I found it appropriate for what I need to remember:

God is bound to love me. It is his nature to love perfectly and infinitely. He is bound to love me – not because I am good, but because He is good. Love is so central to his character that the scriptures actually say, ‘God is love” (1 John 4:8, 16; emphasis added). … Not only did He require me to have faith and confidence in Him, but He is required to have faith and confidence in me. … God and Jesus are bound to believe in me – in my potential and possibilities – even when I don’t. God is bound to be as close to me as He is to any of His children because He is a perfect parent.

He believes in me and that I can be strong again.. because of this, I own it to Him to believe in myself!

My baby turned 7!!!

2011-12-30T10:44:00.000-08:00

I never imagined I would only have 2 kids. I always assumed coming from a family of 11 kids that I would at least have 4 or 5. But I have been blessed with 2. And yesterday my baby turned 7yrs old! How and when did that happen?
She is beautiful. And spunky. And challenging. And funny. And artistic. And smart. And spastic. And imaginative. And everything I could have ever imagined my daughter to be.. and more!

Happy Birthday Rielly!!

1 week Check-up

2011-12-30T10:22:00.000-08:00

Went to my one week post op checkup on Wednesday. Everything is healing nicely. Thank goodness!!! I don't know what I was expecting but seeing my foot caused me a lot of anxiety. Maybe because for 30+yrs, I've had the same shape of foot. Sure- parts have grown and shifted but that's all I've known. What I was seeing wasn't my foot! There was no bone bulging out of the side of my toe. I kept saying "this isn't normal". Jon and Dr Knox both said "This IS normal". Needless to say, I went pale and almost passed out looking at it uncovered.
But eventually, I will have a pretty foot!

This is showing the straight cut next to my big toe and the staple that is holding my toe together.

Here's a closeup of the staple.

My lovely swollen bruised bunionless foot.

My new shoe!

My first New Yrs resolution...

2011-12-24T19:08:00.001-08:00

Change in my surroundings.

I've realize a lot that who/what I surround myself with or who/what I bother to care about in my life can make all the difference in my personality and feelings towards life itself.
This past week, I've done nothing but reflect on the blessings I've been given in my life. I have been stuggling with this recovery but all around me, God has put people in my path that truely care about me and love me and are willing to serve unselfishly. It has been eye opening and very life changing. Those are the people I need to keep in my life and remove all thoughts and cares for those that don't.
That is my resolution #1!
I also don't want to be that person that is a negative nelly in someones life. So maybe by changing my thoughts and surroundings, I'll be able to be let into others lives where I wouldn't have been otherwise. Does that make sense? Enough being the grinch with the heart too sizes too small!!!!
I apologize to all those that I have been a toxic friend to! I promise this is something I'm going to work real hard on. Don't give up on me just yet!!!

I came across an article today about this very thing that I'll share here to serve as a constant reminder to myself.

Discovering and removing the negative influences in our life will help us more than we realize. Studies show that our own thoughts, attitudes and behaviors are a reflection of the people we spend the most time with.

All too often, we are faced with negative people and influences that surround us and affect us as a person, in all areas of our life. “Toxic” people are like vampires . They suck the life and energy right out of you. Toxic people are ultimately the people who cause you the most negative stress in your life. They are the people that make you feel unhappy, or spoil your mood purposely every chance they get.

Toxic people can be a challenge to be around. They will bring you down and drain your energy, and all too often, they will squash any type of lifestyle change YOU are trying to make. Toxic people are just pieces of the obstacle course you will run through in your efforts obtain your nutrition and fitness goals, and they have a detrimental effect on your mental thoughts and mental toughness.

Who wants or needs that?

Toxic people truly believe that they are constantly taken advantage of by others and that bad things are always happening to them. They are often the people who make mountains out of molehills. Toxic people are those who think they are doing something right, by complaining and blowing up almost any situation, whether it is a small issue or a large one.

Amazingly, toxic people believe their negative comments are helping to solve the situation in some way. In addition, they often rely on others to entertain them or make them happy. Even if it’s not other people, they often rely on some kind of outside source to keep them happy. All too often, toxic people find this happiness in social settings with food and drinks, which ends up being a “perfect” setting to express their negativity.

Unfortunately, toxic people are everywhere; just take a moment to look around. Don’t let them take your happiness away or affect your mood. Toxic people only have as much power, control, and impact on our lives that we allow them to have.

Each day, we are faced with a decision and need to say to ourselves, “I can either allow these negative and “toxic” people to ruin my day and my actions for that day, or I can choose to rise above them, completely remove them from my life, or speak motivating words to them and move on!” At that point, it is up to them as to whether they choose to use the motivating words to their advantage or not.

Toxic people need boundaries, and giving them a time limit lets them know you will only tolerate a small amount of negativity. Check your watch, allow them to vent for two minutes, give them some positive words of encouragement and then move away and fill your head with positive affirmations and thoughts as soon as you can!

Transform your energy into positive energy and remove these negative “toxic” people from your life. I realize that these toxic people might include close friends or even family members. Remember, in order for you to reach your goal you must stay focused on the end result , remind yourself what is most important to you, and if your friend or family member can’t support you with your goals, why are they in your life… and do they truly care for you and your well-being?

So, my question to you is: who do you spend the most time with, and do they help you toward your goals or pull you away from them?

So how do I get there??? This is where I will be working the hardest.

Goal #1: NO GOSSIPING!

Goal #2: No WHINING OR COMPLAINING ABOUT OTHERS OR THINGS BEYOND MY CONTROL(in public anyways... my blog and with my hubby is a different story)

Goal #3: NO CO-DEPENDENCY- this was a big problem for me this year and ended up leaving me hurt and taken advantage of.

Goal #4: NO CROSS CONTAMINATION- just because I'm present in a situation, doesn't mean I need to participate on an emotional level.

Goal #5: NO BEING "HOLIER THAN THOU". I will be avoiding people like this so why would I want to be one myself? By running around thinking I'm better than others will only alienate myself. Get over myself.. I am no better or worse than anyone else!

And what do I wish to achieve by doing this? I will be able to enjoy life and consciously become who it is that I want to be- not who others want me to be! Bridges will be burnt. I am preparing myself for that. There are people in my life sadly that I need to be removed from to avoid drama and heartache. That will be the hardest thing. But as the saying goes... "the ladder of success is never crowded at the top".

Now I just hope that I become the person that people want in their lives... no more the person that was removed.

Recovery mode

2011-12-23T11:39:00.000-08:00

After much waiting and anticipation, I went in Wednesday morning for a bunionectomy on my right foot. The surgery itselt was cake. I wasn't as freaked out because my dear friend Regen took me out the night before and hours of girl talk without hearing "MOMMY" in the background did wonders for my anxiety. Anyways all the nurses at Stonecrest were amazing. The IV went in painlessly (first time for me ever!). I went to sleep and woke up a minute later with my foot bandaged up with one less bone.

But that ends the easy stuff. It has been rather painful. At times, excrutiating. Simple tasks like going to the bathroom are dreaded. I know at some point, the pain will end so I'm just pushing through as much as I can right now. Wonderful friends from church have brought over meals which have been so wonderful. Sadly the ones who I would have thought would be more supportive and helpful have been completely non-existant. One in particular who I was there for during some very difficult times really has shown how much my friendship meant to her- apparently nothing. But it just has made me even more grateful to the people in my life who are selfless and kind. Jon has been amazing to me and with the kids. I know this isn't easy for him. Having to help me with the simplest tasks and watching me in pain. I am very blessed to have him by my side!

Next Wednesday I go back to Dr Knox and have the bandages changed and to see how my foot is healing. The week after that, the stitches come out and then he can decide how much pressure I can apply to it. Hopefully get a walking boot and walk without crutches! And 6 weeks later, I should be ready to resume normal activities! And THANK GOODNESS I only have 2 feet! Only one more time will I ever have to go through with this!

So prayers and thoughts for a painfree Christmas and the sanity of my family are much appreciated!
And again a big thanks to all those who have been already praying for me and just being a sounding board for me! Love you all!

So excited to go to the OR- can you tell?

Before

After

On the bright side...

2011-11-27T09:29:00.000-08:00

I have some pretty cute and awesome kids!!!
Not sure why the pictures are all over the place but what can you do?
Happy Fall Ya'll!!!

Pictures taken by Karen DeFriez DeFriezFrame Photography

I hate depression

2011-11-27T09:10:00.000-08:00

Why I hate depression:

It sneaks up on me when I least expect it.
It's a silent menance.
It interferes with my life and completely alters the way I think about things.
It pushes people away.
It makes me doubt myself and others.
I hate knowing I have to be on medication for the rest of my life to keep a bandaid on it.
I hate knowing there's no reason I'm suffering from this- just my unfortunate lot in life.
I hate being unhappy.
I hate smiling and pretending everything is great when inside I'm just blue.
I hate the weight that has crept on while I so desperately want to take it off because of the change in meds..I hate the comments being made abt said weight gain.
I hate that the people who I need the most don't understand why I'm struggling.
I hate waiting for the meds to kick back in after I try to go off them and the dissapointment I feel in myself that I can't go off them.

Because right now I am waiting.

Depression sucks. I don't recommend it.

But..tomorrow I'll be just fine!

stop stop stop stop STOP!!!!!

2011-11-21T09:39:00.000-08:00

I need to stop!
Stop feeling sorry for myself.
I need to stop remembering what was and accept what is.
Now before you start thinking I had some major life change or catastrophe, no worries there.
It's the little things that I'm struggling to stop dwelling on.

Everyday I'm reminded of how I can't run anymore. Or walk long distances for that matter. I used to walk/jog a bit.. heck walking 7-8miles daily wasn't a big deal for me. It was my thing and I loved it.
But here's the ironic thing: it's because of all this stepping that I can't do it anymore. You see- I have a lot of weight being put onto my tootsies and that only sped up the inevitable.

Bunions!

I've always had them. But they never bothered me before. Until one day, I was walking and suddenly it felt like nails being hammered into the bone on the side of my big right toe. And it hasn't stopped since. The bone is always bruised.
So I went to the pediatrist and they told me what I've feared all along. At this point, the only fix is to have them removed. One at a time!

All I know about this surgery is that it's painful and has an 8week recovery period. My pre-op appt is Dec 12th. At that time, we decide when I should have the surgery. Should I do it right away? Or wait until Jan? And how long should I wait until I have the other one done?

It's just so frustrating because walking was my main source of exercise. It's what I enjoyed. And since I stopped, the weight has crept back on. I've found myself struggling to stay upbeat. And this is completely out of my control:(

So HOW do I stop feeling sorry about all this? And how not to get depressed during the first few weeks that I can't walk. Especially during the upcoming holiday season? I know it'll all be worth it but even when all is said and done, I have to start all over. And since I no longer have my walking/training partner/friend to get me started, I'm on my own.

I can't wait to be done stopping...and to once again start!

sigh... hi remember me??

2011-10-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let ya'll know I'm still alive!!!
I have so much to post about but let's be honest-I probably won't. I have gotten so lazy with it though!

So a few higlights:
-School started
-PTO keeps me busy! (Fall Festival.. holy moly!!)
-Foot surgery in December for bunion removal
-Quick weekend to Mammoth Caves, KY
-7 day cruise to Western Carribean and kids going to Disney during fall break
-Getting ready to go to Az for brothers wedding
-Vegas in December for a 1/2marathon I can't run

I'll post pics soon I promise!!

I needed this today...

2011-08-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

And maybe you do too.

It's hard... but it has to be true right?

PS- This is how I want to be! :

Do the things you talked about doing but never did. Know when to let go and when to hold on tight. Stop rushing. Don't be intimidated to say it like it is. Stop apologizing all the time. Learn to say no so your yes has some OOMPH! Spend time with friends that lift you up and cut loose the ones that bring you down. Stop giving your power away. Be more concerned with being interested than being interesting. Be old enough to appreciate your freedom, and young enough to enjoy it. Finally, know who you are. ~Kristin Armstrong

Man.. this is really who I want to be!!!! And now is the time to do it.

Ballet? My kids?

2011-08-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

Not sure if I had mentioned this before but last school yr, the School of Nashville Ballet gave an incredible opportunity to a few schools in the metro school district to have kids try out for a full yrs scholarship to study ballet.
SO I figured why not?? So I took the kids down to west end and after waiting forever, they took them back to do who knows what ballet folks do and that was that. I never thought they'd get it but A few months later, we get letters saying both kids were accepted. Being the boy that he is, Reese said no but Rielly was and is thrilled!

So next Saturday, Rielly starts ballet "study" here:

http://www.nashvilleballet.com/school/

Because of the school that it is, they are pretty serious and strict. They produce professionals and expect excellence. No tardys. Complete uniforms. No talking. Etc Etc Etc.
And those things are the least of my concerns!

My fear is how I'm going to turn this:

Into this:

They even gave me a bun kit...
heaven help us all!

One of my favorite foods...

2011-08-20T17:06:00.001-07:00

Deep Fried Pickles!!!!

You can't come to the south without trying these babies!!
Just trust me k?
And since I know you all are still saving your pennies to come visit me, here's the recipe to try to get you excited.

From Paula Dean:
Ingredients
1 24-ounce Jar Kosher dill pickle spears or slices
1 tsp garlic powder
1/2 cup Louisiana hot sauce (I like Texas Pete)
1/2 cup buttermilk
1 gal peanut oil
2 cups Uncle Bubba’s Fry Mix

Directions

Drain the juice from the pickle jar and refill the jar with the garlic powder, hot sauce, and buttermilk. Marinate the pickles for at least 30 minutes.

In a Dutch oven over medium-high heat, heat the oil to 350 degrees F. Drain the pickles. Put the fry mix in a large mixing bowl, and toss the pickles to coat thoroughly. Shake off the excess mix by tossing lightly in a strainer and deep fry the pickles in batches for 3 to 5 minutes, depending on the size of the spears.

When golden brown, remove the pickles from the oil with a clean strainer or slotted metal spoon and place on paper towels to drain off any excess oil. Serve immediately.

My mouth is watering!!! Too bad I can't cook darn it! Fat Mo's here I come!