Path to Our Miracle

Oliver's Birth Day and Pics of Nursery

2014-05-05T22:20:00.000-07:00

Oliver is 1 month old (plus ~~a day~~ 2 days by the time I finally finished this post)! This has been an incredible month! I can't believe it has already been a month, but I feel like it is so normal to have him here already, as if he has always been here.

My mom got here about a week before Oliver was born, and my dad got here 2 days before. We were expecting him earlier but it was so nice to have her here to help get ready for his homecoming. We did some scaling back of unnecessary stuff around the house. I was so worried about keeping everything clean, but trying to just take the time to relax before he arrived.

Here are some pictures of Oliver's Antique Travel Nursery ready for his arrival. I love the theme, and there are so many special items that were given or created for him.

Thursday, April 3rd, we had friends from Idaho coming by for the day. I spent the morning cleaning...again... and spent a little time with my parents. We went down to the beach and just hung out for most of the day. They were planning on starting their drive back home that evening, but when I got a text from Caryn, they decided to wait and see what was going on. We all would have been sad if they would have missed Oliver by only a few hours.

Caryn's account of the night is on her blog HERE. If you haven't read it, you can take a min a read now, because my account is not as detailed of the specifics.

Caryn text me the afternoon of April 3rd, letting me know after talking to a friend of ours that is a doula (that has been amazing with advice for Caryn especially towards the end of the pregnancy), that she thought her water might be leaking. We decided to go in and have her get checked out. She wasn't having contractions, and we were picking up dinner with our friends, so we decided to wait till she finished dinner with the kids. Just Caryn and I went in, just to see what was going on, and would let Brian and Carlos know if anything progressed.

They hooked her up to monitor her for about "20 minutes". About 7:45, they checked Caryn, to see how dilated, and she was a "tight" 4cm. The doctor that was on duty, knowing Caryn had already had her membranes stripped, tried to do it again, but wasn't able to. They tested the fluid, and it wasn't the water, so they would have released her at that point. However, Oliver had a couple minor variations in his heart rate. Nothing serious, but just something to keep an extra eye on. So, they decided to monitor her for an extra hour. During that time, Caryn was starting to have painful contractions, and Oliver's heart rate still wasn't perfect, so they decided to admit her.

I called Brian, Caryn called Carlos, and we made sure the nurses/doctors were calling Lt. Dell, because she said that she wanted to be there to deliver.

The contractions were getting worse, but when they finally checked her again at 9:50, she was 8 cm, so they were not going to be able to give her any pain meds. I didn't know what I could do to help. I just felt so bad that she was in that much pain. Finally Brian got there, and Carlos got there shortly after. She wanted to push so bad, but it just wasn't quite time yet. Her water still hadn't broke yet either. Finally, they broke her water, and it was just about time, so they started to get everyone in place. Just at that moment, Lt. Dell walked in, threw gloves on, and asked some questions. The plan was for me to get Oliver right away, and be able to do skin on skin. She had me pull a chair way up close to her. After Caryn had a couple pushes, at 10:35pm, Oliver was out, and in my arms! Brian cut the cord, and we were parents!

They did a quick check on him while he was in my arms, and then after a little while, did his exam. Everything was normal. His weight was 7 lbs 2 oz. Length 17.5 in. **Side note** His length has been questioned by a few different people, because not only did he seem long in ultrasounds, but he was 21.25cm at his 2 week appointment. For me, I will forever say he was 17.5 in. Reason I don't care to question? It doesn't matter, but if the 17.5 in is wrong, then I will never know what he was when born. In this case, I would rather believe wrong information (because in reality it doesn't matter) then have that unknown.

This was such an amazing night! I will never be able to put into words all that I felt.

So happy my parents were here to share this night with us!

And of course, the woman who did the hard work! I know the 2 phrases "I'm sorry!" and "Thank you!" went through my head a million times. I hope they actually came out of my mouth half that number.

This post is specifically about the amazing gift Caryn gave us. But I have to thank everyone who is reading this now. Each of you helped make this happen. Obviously the financial aspect that has and continues with the cost of this "out of the box" way of becoming a family. But also, the prayers and just constant words of encouragement and excitement for us has helped push us each step of the last 2 years. (I just looked, and my first blog post was April 28th, 2012!)


We thank you THIS MUCH!!!


Oliver Lucas Stone

38 Weeks and Counting....

2014-03-26T04:40:00.000-07:00

38 Weeks! This kid can be here any time! Both of Caryn's kids were 2 weeks early, so 38 weeks is kind of when we were expecting Oliver. So, now it feels like we are in overtime.

She has been having consistent contractions for long periods of time often for the past few weeks. It is hard even when she does let me know about them because I don't know exactly what they could mean. Lol! I know the times and numbers in relation to when she should be going in, but I am sure during them you get "a feeling"(not the painful ones) of how serious to take it. Also, we fall between the lines on when to go in to labor and delivery. They say earlier when it is your first, but waiting till contractions are longer and closer together if you have had kids before. Obviously we go off of the fact that Caryn has gone through labor before, and knows kinda whats going on, but I don't. The first couple times she told me she was having contractions, I was ready to walk out the door to the hospital. Lol!

I finally get to go to a doctor's appointment today! The last one I went to was the first one at 12 weeks with the midwife at the Naval Hospital. I am anxious to ~~see~~ hear if the frequent contractions have been helping. Also, I will be happy to physically see where labor and delivery is and how exactly to get there. It is a new hospital, so I don't know where everything is yet.

I am so nervous about everything during labor and just want it all to go so smoothly. I am ...grateful?... (not sure if that is the correct word for it) that I have been there during a delivery at the Naval Hospital before. It was a couple years ago at the old hospital, but I am sure it will be much the same. I am also so grateful that the midwife seems comfortable with and supportive of our unique situation. There are surrogates around here, but they usually wouldn't be seen there for insurance reasons I assume. I am a little nervous about the legal stuff, but not enough to dwell on it. The person that is managing Caryn and Oliver's files right now didn't really know what all the paperwork was that Caryn has been supplying. But we HAVE everything, and WE know what needs to happen, so I will just be making sure to triple check all the papers before we sign anything. I am sure it will all be fine, but it would be a big enough problem if something did go wrong that we need it to go right.

Another exciting event today!?!? Oliver's Nana will be here this afternoon! Can't wait to see my mom!

Is He Here Yet?!

2014-03-07T23:15:00.001-08:00

I know I am not caught up here on the details of all that has been happening, but just needed to write this out and share.

Kind of hurting tonight. Just really feeling the reality of Oliver coming soon, and that is magnifying the fact that I am not carrying him.

I am so anxious for him to be born. I want to hold him, and be close to him.
I think that I have focused so much on the amazing miracles that have happened and I really have been pushing these feelings of loss down every day. Any time it comes to mind, I just remind myself how lucky and blessed we are to have what we have. But I can't ignore the loss forever. This is the part of being a woman that I have lost. A part of being a mother. I have dealt with it on the surface, but my heart has to accept it.

I know everyone will say all those feelings will go away as soon as I hold him, but that is not true (though they will not be front of my mind at the time). The loss is just part of me now and hopefully God will help me to deal with that soon without overwhelming me with the grief.

In the mean time, I am organizing all his stuff daily and just waiting patiently (kinda) to hold my baby.

And his name is.... (late!)

2014-02-07T21:01:00.003-08:00

Seriously! I admire all the bloggers that can get a post up more then.... once every 2 months!

December and January have been very busy months, as I know it is for everyone. I started preparing to open a childcare at home. On base, they require you to go through them to be certified, and they do all kinds of inspections. I have been watching Caryn's kids, but with them moving this summer, and with Oliver coming, I want to be able to open up to more families. It has been a long process, but I finally am fully open! I am so excited that I will be able to continue this job that I love and be home with Oliver.

Well, since I already ruined it, I forgot that I haven't shared his name on here yet! Baby Boy Stone's name is Oliver Lucas Stone. We LOVE it!!! (Obviously, since that is what we picked. Lol!)

My sister-in-law put on a wonderful baby shower in Bakersfield with our family! I am so grateful to be somewhat close to my family. Brian's mom was even able to be there on her way back from Christmas in Seattle! Caryn and her mom came too! I was excited for Brian's mom to be able to meet the rest of my family, and for everyone to meet Caryn, her mom, and the kids. They have all been such a great, supportive part of our lives, and will be an important part of Oliver's life too!

Caryn recently posted some belly pics on her blog HERE! She looks so great! I have loved being able to just hang out some evenings and feel Oliver moving around. Brian finally got to feel him moving around the other day! So exciting!

We had Caryn and the kids over for dinner this week. She was so helpful going over my list, and checking out some of my stuff to see what all we still needed. We were able to knock it all down to about 10-15 things still left, and a couple of those we have to see what Oliver likes (Bottles, formula, etc.)

My mom is coming this week! I can't wait to go through stuff with her, and start getting Oliver's room put together! I have been saving some of the organizing/setting up to do when she gets here!

Thank you everyone for your continued prayers and support! I am still in shock that we are almost to the end of this part! A whole new beginning!!!

Boy...Oh...Boy!!!

2013-12-31T15:11:00.000-08:00

We are having a BOY!!!

I know it has been FOR...EVER since I have blogged! Time is just flying by! I can't believe he will be here in just a few short months.

Brian was in a course when Caryn's 20 week appointment was. That is the appointment that they are able to try to see the sex of the baby. He was not going to be able to get the time off to be there. As a military family, we are used to him missing some of the big things, but it is so tough when he is not GONE (Deployment, field training, etc) and still can't be there for something. We were accepting, though sad.
Caryn surprised us though! She got together with our friends and family and they put together enough money for us to go to a 3D Ultrasound in the evening so Brian could be there when we found out! It was the night before the one at the Naval hospital. It was so amazing to watch him. I am sure many of you have been to one of these places by now, but it is this HUGE screen that he was projected on. He was so active, too! It was perfect! He is perfect! He was not shy at all about showing us he is a boy.

He has the sweetest little face! Almost looks like he is smiling in that middle one.

And look at those LEGS!!! And sorry if it is inappropriate, but he has got the cutest little booty! Haha!!!

We were/are so grateful for that gift of the ultrasound. It was so great to be able to find out together. And we even get to go again when our little boy is a little bigger.... cuter!?!?

Caryn and I went the next day to the appointment at Naval, and it made me even more grateful for the 3D one the night before. The appointment is to check that baby has all his parts and is measuring on track, so it is a lot more "clinical"-- measurements, and stuff. But still cool to see!

There's those LEGS again!!!

Cute little profile shot!

FEEEEET!!! TOES!!!

All these pictures were at 20 Weeks. Nov. 19th and 20th. Today, December 31st, 2013, we are officially at 26 Weeks! According to one of my apps, he is now 14 1/2 inches long and weighs about 2 lbs.

Eleven Week Ultrasound & 1/5 Baby Shower

2013-10-08T22:23:00.002-07:00

Yup, Carlos' wife is pregnant with a baby, that isn't his, and he is totally cool with it. Brian got a picture text to him from me of another woman carrying his baby (whoops! Baby bump pic spoiler alert! coming tomorrow!) while he is in the field. I imagine there are plenty of fun stories surrogates and intended parents have to this effect. Lol.

Alien Baby! :-)

I just started a new job, and one question I get every time I talk to someone new I work with, is if I have kids. Right now, sometimes I say, not yet. Sometimes I say that "We are expecting in April." Sometimes I actually explain. But the simple answers are not going to work here in the next couple months. Through this whole process the last 2 years (yes, it has almost been 2 years!!), I have "met" many surrogates. Unfortunately, the Intended Parent "network" isn't as easy to find.

It takes a minute to explain our situation, but I have found that most of the time when I have chosen to take the time to talk to someone about it, it has been such a good thing. People have so many questions. I have had 2 people the last couple weeks that I have talked to a lot, that have apologized for all the questions. I am so happy to share this story. I have met so many that have gone through years of infertility and miscarriages, and either they are still waiting for their miracle, or they have their miracle, and I just love when people are able to share that story with me when they wouldn't normally share. Also, every time I share our story I am reminded of just how much of a "GOD THING" this whole miracle is!

Such a cute profile!!!

Quick synopsis! Caryn advertised for a babysitter on pendletonyardsales.com. If you have ever looked for a babysitter on a resale site, you can imagine how many responses she received. I was looking for a babysitting job, replied to many on that site, and emailed back and forth with Caryn for a bit, then met with her and she hired me. Almost exactly 4 years later, she will be giving birth to our child!

On September 17th, Caryn had an ultrasound at the Naval hospital. She was 11 Weeks. This one, Brian got to come to. It was so funny, because it was a group of 3 of us going back when they called Caryn's name. The nurse, or whatever he was called that did Caryn's initial signing in when we got in the room, didn't even say anything about it. The midwife was so great. She was very good at incorporating us when appropriate, but then allowing privacy time for Caryn. Yes, it is our baby, but it is Caryn's pregnancy, and she made it a very comfortable separation of the 2.


Waving! Hi Baby Stone!!!

Brian left for training in Northern California at the end of September, and the Family Readiness team from his unit put on an amazing baby shower for all the new babies and pregnant wives of the unit. We are so blessed to have such amazing support from our 1/5 Family. Caryn and the kids went with me. It was a great time for me and Caryn to be able to do something social together. The kids got to do a craft in the child care room. It was great to see some of the ladies and get to meet even more. :-) I was so sad, because I could feel a cold coming on strong, and there were so many babies I just wanted to play with and hold, but I wanted to keep my distance. :-(

Again, I know I say this all the time, but I will never be able to say it enough. We are so, so grateful for every one of you that have been with us through this past 2 years and those that we are just now being able to share our story with. All of your love, support, kind words, and prayers are what has helped get us to this point. I truly am still in shock that this is real. I don't know when it will actually sink in, but this is real! We are having a baby! Caryn is 14 weeks pregnant, and time is going to just continue to speed up (especially since I am just the one getting ready for baby, even the last trimester is going to go quickly for me.)!

Final Trip to Arizona at 8 Weeks

2013-10-08T20:35:00.002-07:00

A whole month ago, Caryn blogged HERE about our final trip to Arizona.

We were all kind of hoping that both embryos had taken, and that we would have 2 babies on the way. There was one. There was about a second and a half of disappointment, and then just pure joy that one took. I could go on and on analyzing why we wanted 2, and why 1 is better, but we have a healthy baby growing, and that is just a MIRACLE!!

Unfortunately, Brian was unable to go with us on that trip, but I recorded the whole thing, and we watched it together when I got home. The "gummy bear" was so active. It was just so exciting to see. The heartbeat is perfect! We actually never got the audio on it, but we could see the actual heart beating.

Caryn and I were so happy to be able to see everyone that we had been working with for the last year at the clinic. We almost missed Dr. Nemiro, but we caught him just as he was between patients. I saw him down the hall and said "You want to see a picture of our baby!?" So glad we were able to thank each of them for everything that they had done, and looking forward to sending a birth announcement to them. One of the nurses, was very sad that Brian didn't get to come. She loves his car, and was disappointed to not be able to talk about it one more time. Haha!

From the time they froze the embryos, they all liked to rub in that, because of the genetic testing, they knew what the embryos were (male/female) and we didn't. We decided that we would wait until a normal ultrasound would be able to show. Since there was only one, Caryn and I decided just out of curiosity we would ask if they put in one of each or 2 of the same. Either answer would not tell us what it was. Turns out they put in one of each. So, even the nurses, doctors, and embryologist don't know which one is growing in there!

In these pictures, (I don't know if you can tell) the babies head is at the bottom. Baby is 8 Weeks and 1 day. Due date is April 8th.

Just so excited!!! Speechless! Enjoying every moment!

Surprise!!!

2013-07-30T21:29:00.002-07:00

SHE IS PREGNANT!!!

I am still kinda in shock, and still waiting to wake up, but it is real!

I know, we weren't supposed to find out until Friday, but originally the test was supposed to be Thursday (or Wednesday?) but with Caryn's work schedule, we decided to wait so we could go together on Friday. So, we are pretty much right on time!

Caryn will have the details from her side on her blog, My Pod Their Pea when she is able to.

I got a text from Caryn this morning saying that she had some bleeding and she thought it was implantation bleeding. I was freaking out, because I did not realize that this was a good thing! It is actually a sign of pregnancy. Finally, I was on the same page, and we were both excited! She put a call into the nurse at the clinic, and I told her to go ahead and get the results from last Friday's blood test.

Caryn called me later to tell me that she talked to the nurse and her levels on Friday were very positive!

She sent me the wonderful picture at end of post after taking a pee test today! :-)

I drove up to have lunch with Brian, and was able to tell him in person! I have been quite emotional all day! LOVE IT!!

Caryn will still be having the blood test on Friday, and then in about (3 weeks?) we will be headed back to Arizona for an ultrasound!

I can't believe we are here! Thank you everyone for all your thoughts and prayers! Can't wait to share this next chapter with you all!

July

2013-07-02T21:46:00.001-07:00

The retrieval is done. It was a little disappointing. They only got 5 eggs. Of those, only 1 was mature, but they inseminated them all anyway. All 5 fertilized. On day 5/6 only 4 were still growing. That day, they were biopsied for the chromosome testing and frozen. The results from the testing came back with only 2 "normal" embryos.

Facts to make myself feel better about the results:
*They will only implant 2 embryos to Caryn
*Caryn will not be able to do another round afterwards
*We really only started with 1 (rest not matured) and 2 is better then 1
*No extra charges for storage or decisions about any extra embryos.

But...it still feels like my body failed us again.

Caryn is getting ready for the transfer. She has had a couple visits to Arizona for them to do some tests and make sure everything is going well. The trips have been there and back all in the same day. Long days, but works best with the kids since I would normally watch them, plus nice to just have one day for it and be done. She has more details on her blog post about her appointments. July 12th we are going back to make sure her uterus is starting to look "homey" for the embryos. Then we will drive out on the 17th for the transfer on the 18th. We are staying in Arizona a little longer this time. First of all, the clinic wants to do blood tests on her on the 22nd and 23rd. So that will give her 5 days of bed rest at a hotel with me waiting on her hand and foot! Lol!

Anxious and excited about everything this month. Trying to remember to still enjoy each day, because I am just ready for it to be July 29th and have results of pregnancy test. That is the fork in the road.

Retrieval Week!

2013-06-04T17:47:00.002-07:00

So much has happened since I last blogged! Major event is BRIAN IS HOME!!! This was a "short" deployment (compared to others) but with everything since December, I have to say it was definitely the most difficult being away from each other. Everything worked out that his leave falls exactly when the retrieval is! I am so grateful for that!

We arrived in Phoenix last Thursday for an ultrasound to see how I have been reacting to the meds. Everything looked fine. Had an appointment on Friday for another ultrasound, physical, and blood draw. Met with the Doctor on Monday, to go through all the paperwork, and to see when the follicles (eggs) would be ready for retrieval. He said that the last couple months, he has been pushing everyone an extra day then what he has always done, and they have been having even better results. Basically, normally they "trigger" you when the average follicles are 18mm, but pushing it one day after to get closer to 20/21mm. Yesterday, most of mine were about 16/17mm. Ultrasound today, they were closer to 18/19. He said there are about 12+/-.

I take my "trigger" injection tonight. It is red. I remember that from last time, but it still kinda freaks me out. Haha! Tomorrow I will be taking no medications. Thursday morning is the day of retrieval!!

Friday we will find out how many eggs fertilized. Sunday, we will get a "Day 3" update, and then Tuesday will be "Day 5" and they will biopsy (for chromosome testing) and freeze. That is one week from today!

This week I have really been allowing myself to be excited again! All the build up to this, I have just been nervous. Just trying to protect my heart, I guess. But I have to let that go. I am looking forward!

Brian and I have really enjoyed our time relaxing here. We have been at the pool almost every day, and the condo is right next to some hiking trails. We have only gone on those once, but it was a great little hike.

Also during this week, Caryn has started her meds, and we now have a date for the IVF! July 22! Yay! So happy to be seeing everything coming together.

Update

2013-04-19T11:33:00.000-07:00

I have been needing to update for a while now. I think I have been nervous. Everything was so open and every step updated last time. I really just haven't wanted to share my thoughts and feelings as we start this new round. I have managed to push everything down over the last 5 months, but since I started back on my protocol, with every step written out with dates, everything is starting to surface again. All the pain and loneliness in December is right back in the front of my mind. The fears of the same thing happening looming in. It is burying me. I just want to hide away until it is all over one way or another. But how I have been handling this has done horrible things to my health, friendships, and business.

I have gotta figure something out because the one injection that I have been on for 2 weeks is going to change to 3 injections, and one pill. This is the "stronger protocol" this time. I am assuming it is going to make me pretty crazy. I have set up my Herbalife stuff in the kitchen and have successfully been eating correctly and exercising 1 day in a row! Today will be #2! Then my Herbalife conference this weekend is sure to give me some great motivation. (along with a little "cheat" dinner in Long Beach to see my cousin) The thing I keep telling myself is that allowing this "self-pitty-party" to go on is only going to increase the possibility of negative results.

I should be starting the rest of the meds in the next day or 2. I will have a blood test and ultrasound here in Cali, then sometime the last week of April/first week of May (depends on results from Cali ultrasound) I will be going to Scottsdale, AZ. They are saying the retrieval should be on the 3rd or 4th of May.

Since I will need a driver, Caryn will be coming as close as possible to retrieval day, since she has to have some tests done there anyways.

It is STILL March!!

2013-03-14T22:03:00.003-07:00

Thank you everyone for a renewed support of this whole process. Everytime I say those words, they just don't seem to be enough. But I will say it anyway. :-)

I HAVE to share this story from a woman I met the other day. I was babysitting Ethan and Olyvia, and we walked to "their" park. Right after I said "10 minutes", a group came to the park so we stayed longer, because they LOVE playing with "friends"! I ended up talking with one of the moms for a while, about a lot of stuff, but I just loved her story. If I would have thought about it, I would have asked if I could share her story, but never did even get her name, I am only sharing the basics of what she told me, so hopefully this is ok...

Anyway, she was told she could never have kids. She was on birth control (Depo shot), and ended up getting pregnant! Difficult pregnancy and delivery, NICU, and now she has an awesome 8 year old boy! Then she started the pill... Hello, now 7 year old boy! Next, the patch. Next week is her daughters 5th birthday! And of course.... IUD. "(She) brought it out with her like a toy!" She said of her 2 year old daughter.

Four kids! Not only were they "not supposed to be born", they were that tiny "failure rate" of birth control.

It amazes me how God works! Being in the "infertility world" I know the thoughts of the women in this boat with me. I can not help but think "WHY!? Why can she accidentally get pregnant 4 times ESPECIALLY after being told that she wouldn't be able to."

This was just so in line with my post last week, that I had to share it. I am so thankful that I met her, and was able to see the amazing miracle God worked in her life. I can't wait to see our miracle, whatever/whenever it might be!

*********

Back in "Stone/Mata World"

I was so happy we were back on track last weekend when I got to see all of Caryn's family for Ethan's birthday! It made me realize that one of the best parts of this surrogacy is the blessing to be able to share this part of our lives with this family. Just another reminder of our infinite blessings and the love that this baby will have.

We have gotten a tentative calendar from the nurses this week. We are looking at egg retrieval sometime around the 25th of April. Then the IVF around the 27th of May. Yay for dates!! Even though they are tentative, we are true Military Wives and tentative this far in advance is AMAZING! Lol. We can work with that!

Injections for both of us will be starting in 3-4 weeks. BUT... all meds are ordered, and in the mail!!! YAY!

*********

Unrelated Life Info

We have been approved for base housing, and I even got to "pick one out"! Set to move in mid-April. I am overlapping a little bit of time, as I have a conference the weekend before the lease here is up. Also, that is exactly around the time I will be needing to go to Arizona for egg retrieval. I am Sooo excited!

I have been able to email with Brian quite a bit. He is doing fine. He wants me to pass on his love and thanks to everyone.

NEPHEW IS COMING!!! Well, not yet, but I don't even know what happened to this week, so I know it will be before I know it! Next couple weeks! So excited for Patrick and Laura!!

What a Month!! News!

2013-03-07T22:29:00.003-08:00

Yes, I am still here.... It has been a full month since I have blogged. I had so many planned blogs for last month, but every time I started to write, I couldn't put anything into words.

The one thing that has been constantly running through my mind is this conference that I went to in February. My sister in law found it, and sent me to it. It is "Choose Joy: Surviving Infertility & Adoption". It was so amazing to meet this group of women that were involved in putting this event together. It was equally amazing to meet all the women that joined from all over San Diego and Orange County. I wish I could tell you all about the whole event. I WILL say, if you are on a journey of infertility or adoption, you MUST go to this conference next year (I am assuming they are going to do it again, as well as it turned out).

There was one session that I went to that day that just blessed me! The woman's name who spoke, was Rachel Goode. You can read her blog, Heirs With Christ. I have not dug into it yet, only read a couple posts. But I will be. I loved listening to her with her strong, Southern accent (I think Alabama?). Her session was titled "God's Heart for the Hurting; Waiting Hurts, Waiting Perfects." Another reason I loved her session was her "19 points"! I LOVE taking notes, and I love when speakers speak with that in mind. Anyway... the "meat of the session":

You do not know if you will get what you are praying for: Ephesians 3:20 says that God will "accomplish infinitely more then we might ask or think."

God's timing is different and mysterious, yet it is perfect! II Peter 3:9 says Despite what we think, God is not being slow, He is being patient for our sake. Making sure we are ready for his gift.

Plan "A" did NOT fail. Everything that happens is God's "Plan A". We may be on our "Plan Q" but God is checking each step off his list still on "Plan A". I LOVE THIS!!

I was going to say this is my favorite lesson from that day, but they were all amazing. God's mercy is what keeps him from revealing his plan and purpose. We would not be able to comprehend the vast "tapestry" (AWESOME analogy from Rachel) that is His plan. Our lives, and this one situation are just a TINY portion of the BACK of this beautiful tapestry. It looks sooo jumbled, but if you see the other side, you see how beautiful that piece is, though it is just a portion.

I learned a lot in this session with Rachel, but I also have felt these things SO strongly, and just not had the right words to put with them.

I have seen these things play out in our lives one after another. I can remember so many of the MAJOR pains in my life. The feeling of (what I thought was) despair. I think of the minor TIMING "problems" that "ruined my plans". I could go on and on with every one, but I can tell you AT LEAST one good to amazing thing that came out of that pain.

My first memory of "despair" was when my parents, brothers and I moved from California. I was only 7 or 8. I remember the night we said goodbye to my grandparents was the last night we were there. We had the fifth wheel and were staying in the driveway. I was balling my eyes out that night. But I can tell you I am so grateful for that pain. I still am sad for the missed times with family in California, but I am appreciative of EVERY moment I get with them now. I am grateful for the pain that took us out of a home that I knew for a few years and took us to Idaho, creating the AMAZING life that I have now.

I am sooo grateful for the pain of break ups with boyfriends (few that I had), and for the 2 "non-boyfriends" (different times of life) that I prayed about and cried over for years! (Don't judge... you all had at least one.)

Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, a hundred different situations in my life.

I am grateful that I NEEDED a job at the beginning of 2010, finally finding a 2-3 day a week babysitting job for 2 little kids. EASY-PEASY!

I am grateful that Brian "would not let me move" out of the apartment I wanted to move out of, as I met an amazing friend that has been such a solid support.

I am grateful for the stressful months of feeling like the surrogacy was never going to start.
I am grateful for the negative pregnancy test.
I am grateful for the realization this weekend that we could not do this financially in the amount of time that we have.
I am grateful for the 18 hours of pain after canceling the process for good (planning to revisit options when Brian got home and we could communicate within a 24 hour time frame).
I am grateful for the fear, stress, etc of telling a couple family members of our decision.

These are just the "BAD" things that I am grateful for! Haha! I will share the good stuff some other time, but I don't think I will ever be able to share everything.

Don't worry. That is not the end. Through my phone calls, we were presented with a long term option, that we were going to think/pray/talk about. (So grateful for that offer! <3 )

We were then presented with a more immediate option (not sure on the details of sharing this information yet, so I will fill you in if I am able to).

After giving Caryn approximately 24 hours, to grasp the shock and freedom :-) of no longer going through with this, I then became grateful for the STRESS and FEAR of having to ASK Caryn to be a surrogate. Yes, I know it has been the plan all along, but it "was over". She said "Yes"! ( "I said wow...she said when... I said how about right now..." Sorry. Brad Paisley was singing in my head as I typed that last sentence. Had to share with you. Lol).

SO... in the end, we are right back where we started when you read Caryn's last post. However, I feel like it is a completely new process! There has been such a myriad of emotions, thoughts, and conversations since Monday. I feel rejuvenated and ready. I am reminded of the "village" that is with us through every step. I am more ready now then EVER for Brian and I to have a family.

Thank you all for your continued love, support, and prayers! Every one of you are so special to us.

Great Start to 2013 and Auction Numbers!

2013-02-08T23:00:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have been going nonstop this last month! Love it, because the deployment is flying by, and I am not getting much contact with Brian right now. But, that means that time is passing that we are not starting on the next round of IVF. No real new information in the surrogacy world this month. Going in to talk to insurance company in person this week, and hopefully doing taxes this week. After that, I will have a MUCH better timeline of when everything is going to happen.

AUCTION: AGAIN, Thank you all so much for participating in the auction! All items have been shipped. With the exception of 2, you should all be receiving them within the next 3-4 days. I have done all the final numbers, and the total raised was $869.00!! After Shipping and Paypal charges, the total is $704.05!! That is AMAZING! In addition, we also had a couple donations during that week. We are so, so grateful for all of you!

Here are a few highlights from this year so far!

I Made Supervisor in HERBALIFE!

Baby Brother, Patrick's 26th Birthday!

Sis-In-Law, Monica, Opens

ALETHEIA DSGNS!!

My First January Spectacular Conference

Sis-In-Law, Laura's Baby Shower!

Surrogacy Online Auction

Watch for another post this weekend, because I am going to be having a very exciting "Surrogacy Journey" day tomorrow!!

AUCTION!!!

2013-01-23T13:44:00.002-08:00

Under the menu, click on "Auction". This will take you to all the items, guidelines and item menu.

Thank you so much!

Good Luck!

Upcoming Event!!!

2013-01-14T19:23:00.001-08:00

A New Hope

2012-12-21T20:21:00.001-08:00

All through this last week, "Hope" has remained in our hearts. We are not giving up. We want a family.

After speaking with Brian, Caryn, and Dr. Nemiro, we decided that it we want to try again. We have no more embryos, but we do still have Brian's sperm. We will be going through the egg retrieval again, and the IVF. I have been laying out the plans over the last few days. The goal is to start on this either first week of January or first week of February. If all goes well, that would put the transfer at the beginning of March or April. Excitement is starting to grow again. So grateful that she and Carlos are willing to go through this again.

I know this is completely not what we had planned. We were not prepared to have to try again. It seems crazy to go through the financial stress and the risk of it not taking again. We are going forward with our eyes wide open. This IS an emotional decision, because that is what this is all about. Our emotional desire for this baby. However, we have thought through it all. What all we will have to do without, what we have to give up, how the stress may effect our relationship, and how it all will effect our future. It seems like so much, but the reward will make everything worth it. Nothing that we have to give up will take the place of how blessed our lives will be with a child.

Again, we all want to do this ASAP. All the same reasons apply. There is no garauntee how long either of our families will be living here in 2014. Also, we have some testing, physicals, etc that already apply and will not have to be redone if we can do it in the correct amount of time.

At the end of everything, we have paid just under $40,000 with hotel, fuel, meds, etc. With a discount that Dr. Nemiro is giving us and some of the things that will not have to be repeated, our budget is $25,000. This will also cover a third round of IVF if there are enough embryos and it is necessary. This amount seems so big first of all because it is what I originally thought our budget was for the first cycle. But this time, I know what extras are necessary. There will not be any surprises. I have revamped the "Financial Info" tab to show our details. I will have the "Fundraisers" tab back up when I recreate that.

I have 2 things I am working on right now. I am selling our 2 cars, and getting 1 car with low, low payments. Just something to get me by for a few months. Then we will have to figure out our transportation issues after Brian gets home. Secondly, I am working on "MINIMIZING" I am selling everything!... mostly. I do want to apologize to friends and family about this. I am having to make some tough decisions on things. There may be some things that you have given me. I hope that I do not insult anybody by this. If you do see something that insults you are saddens you that I am selling, please tell me and I won't. This is just where we are right now. Brian has decided to sell his car that he was wanting for so long, and he loves. I am cutting our DVD collection in half! I am selling some of my organizing supplies, and craft stuff! For those of you that know us, you know the meaning of that. ;-)

I hope you all can understand our decision, and be happy for us. I fear that some may think we are being irresponsible about this. Please... if you do, just keep it to yourself or don't follow us on FB and the blogs. Sorry if that sounds harsh. We have thought this through from every angle, and are supported by our immediate families (and Caryn and Carlos). I do not have the emotional strength to argue it with anyone.

We are so blessed to have so many prayers, love and support from all of you.

Is There Still A Miracle At The End of This Path?

2012-12-19T14:48:00.000-08:00

Thank you everyone for you kind words, prayers, and support this last week. It has definitely been a tough one.

As expected, the results on Monday came back negative.

Sunday and Monday Caryn's kids were with me. I was kind of nervous how I would feel around them. They have been so excited about the whole process, and I knew there was going to be conversation about it. I asked Caryn what words she had used so that if they talked to me about it, they were getting a consistent explanation. I was just reminded of how blessed we are to have this family in our lives. They did have many "solutions" to how we would have a kid. None of them work. It was just so nice to play with them, listen to them, and watch them play with each other.

I did talk to Dr. Nemiro Monday night, and he just had no explanation to give of why the transfer didn't work. They had 6 transfers around the same time, and 5 of them were positive. They were not expecting to get a call from US with a negative. He said the embryos were beautiful, Caryn's lining was perfect, the transfer went smoothly. In the last few months (I don't remember how many 2-6 months), disregarding age, they have had 84.7% success. Despite the result, I still am just so thankful for that whole office. They are so easy to talk to and you can honestly feel the commitment and the care that they have.

Brian has been calling me as often as possible this week. I am so grateful that they are not on the ship yet, and that he is able to communicate so easily. We have started talking about where we are going from here. A couple of options on the table. Trying to sort out all the details before making any decisions. We are both just so heartbroken with the results, we want to make sure we think it through and don't do anything crazy simply based on emotion. No matter what though, the decision is based on emotion. We want a baby. What are we willing to do to make that happen?

I don't remember exactly what my answer used to be when I was asked what I want to be when I grow up. The one answer I do remember was "Mom". My mom was a Stay-At-Home-Mom up till I was in Jr High. I just wanted to be like her. Even into high school, that was always my answer in my head, but of course it didn't really work out loud. I struggled to find "a career". Started college without a major, changed my mind about 46 times on what job I wanted. I have realized that I have never been able to figure that out, because I want to do everything. Here is my list of majors/jobs that I seriously considered: Psychology, child development, education, health/nutrition, interior designer, professional organizer, accountant, life coach (Bahahaha!!! Seriously!!).... that might be all. Notice a pattern there? I am sure any mother/wife would. The problem I had with every one of these is I didn't want to do it ALL the time. I didn't want to study EVERY area of each of those. I didn't want to make a career out of any of them. I simply wanted to be "good" at each one. As a mother, I will be able to constantly improve in each of those areas. There is a part of my mind that has always been a mother. Every thing I learn, I apply it to being a wife and mother.

I always thought this was corney and cliche, but I understand the depth of it now. There is a piece of my heart that is reserved for our child. That piece is missing. This Path to Our Miracle is not over. God still has a miracle for us.

Grief

2012-12-15T09:15:00.001-08:00

I keep staring at this empty screen. I have no way to say how I feel right now.

Thursday morning Caryn went in for her blood test to see if she was pregnant. The test came back negative.

I was so anxious that morning. I talked to my Mom, my MIL, my SIL. Finally I worked out to help distract me.

Caryn said it was going to be an hour for the results. When I had not gotten an answer after an hour and 10 min, I think I knew. Of course I kept telling myself that "1 hr when dealing with not only a hospital, but military, I shouldn't worry till 2 hrs."

When Caryn called, I remember just staring at the phone. Whatever she said would change our lives. I don't remember most of the conversation. All I remember is the sadness in her voice and the word "negative".

I got off the phone and cried. I called my mom, but I could barely speak through the tears.

I cried. I just kept trying to "mind talk" to Brian so he would call me.

My initial reaction whenever I get sad about something is to turn on the TV or play a game. Something to focus on other then what I am feeling. I fought this urge. I just allowed myself to think about everything. I allowed myself to cry. I cried myself to sleep.

I was woken up by a call from Brian. I had sent him an email so he knew the results. It is difficult to deal with this over the phone because it is hard to determine real emotions. He has called me as often as possible over the last couple days.

Telling him allowed me to start to deal with the reality. Before that all I could think about was telling him.

I had every intention of pulling myself together and dealing getting some stuff done on Friday. Then the horrible news of the shooting started flooding FB. Emotions all over the place again.

I am doing better today. I am not sure how I "should" feel. It is only the loss of an "idea". Especially after the loss of all these kindergartners, and the many families I know who have lost children in the past. I am reminding myself not to compare my life to others. But I feel ridiculous with my sadness while these people are dealing with such a tragic loss.

We are still kind of in limbo with this blood test on Monday. There is a small possibility that it will be different results, but I am not expecting anything but another negative.

We have to start figuring out what our new options are. No idea where to begin. The cost of anything else is going to be so high. Maybe we really aren't meant to have a child. Again, very difficult decisions to make through a deployment, but I think we will have to work on it.

Well, that is all for now.

Two Week Wait

2012-12-13T02:33:00.001-08:00

In just a few ~~short~~ LONG hours, we will have an answer! This has been the most excruciating 2 weeks of my life! Thank God it isn't really a full 2 weeks before we can do the blood test! But first of all, I can not believe it has not even been 2 weeks since Brian left on deployment! It seems like forever! And it has been just over a week since Caryn and I returned from Arizona for the transfer! Again, it seems like forever!

I know Caryn has been in so much pain, and so uncomfortable. I am sooo happy to have our blogs and that she is so open about everything. I feel guilty every time I hear about any pain, inconvenience, or uncomfortableness (<<< Is that a word?). I know this is going to be an issue throughout the whole pregnancy. When I hear something, I don't know whether to say "I'm sorry" or "Thank you" or what. But I want her to be able to talk to me (or blog) about those things.

We will also have to work together to find that balance of helping and annoyance. Haha! I keep wanting to help and be protective. Partially to protect the babies, but also to just help her be comfortable. We have talked about this a little, but I suspect it will be something that we will just have to continuously be open with each other about.

I have been fairly positive throughout this whole time.... well, mostly I have just been watching Netflix non-stop so that my brain doesn't start thinking about stuff. Yesterday (Wednesday) was the first day that I have officially been freaking out. I keep thinking that we have been so overconfident. What if we are about to come to a sharp turn in our life path? What if what we have been planning is not what God has in store for us. This is our only shot on this path. Of course, this is when I start crying, and then I decide what I should do next off my "todo" list so that I can stop thinking about it.

No matter what happens today, thank you ALL for all your thoughts, prayers and support! This has already been such an AMAZING journey and we hope we will be sharing with you for a long time to come!
Watch my or Caryn's facebook status' today for the earliest results! Eeeeekkkkk!!!! I can't believe it!!

....Go

2012-12-11T22:40:00.001-08:00

Transfer was completed on Tuesday. Caryn and I drove to Arizona on Monday. The transfer was Tuesday afternoon, then we drove back Wednesday. You can read Caryn's version on her blog.

After the long drive out there, we passed out in the
hotel Monday night. Caryn got up early enough for the hotel's breakfast. We both just "relaxed" for the morning.

I kept trying to write a blog post, but I just could not put anything into words.

We had a quick lunch, then headed over to the clinic. Every time I walk in that door, I just love the atmosphere and the people there!

We were taken back and Caryn got changed. I got to wear a little jump suit and cap. Lol. I probably would not have worn a skirt if I had thought about it. It looked like I had a multi colored diaper on.
Lisa, one of the nurses, walked us through the process. I did some final waivers and permissions.

Through everything I just could not/can not believe what was/is really happening. I can't even now, put into words how I felt. Shock, awe, forever grateful...

As Dr. Nemiro came in to talk with us, Lisa reminded him we don't know the sex of the babies. Lol. I love how laid back he is! It is just so easy to relax. Even during the procedure, they all were just so laid back and jovial, but not unfocused. They talked through every step. Not just what they were doing, but how and why.
Both embryos thawed perfectly and Dr Nemiro said they looked beautiful! One was even starting to "hatch"? I think that is the word he used.

They took us into the next room. It was so dark. It is the same room I was in for the retrieval. There was a monitor in there that was connected to a microscope in the lab.

Again, unable to put into words what I was feeling. I could not believe this was the moment Caryn will be starting to take care of our babies. This was the "point of no return". She is no longer "going to be" but is now our surrogate.

Caryn was moved back into the other room to lay flat for 1 hour. We watched some "reality" tv. Lol. Did the whole Facebook updates. Eventually started talking about stuff. All I really remember is the overwhelming feeling of gratitude for Caryn. I tried telling her. All I could get out was "Thank You". Then I started crying, so I couldn't talk anymore.

I don't know that I will ever be able to fully put into words how grateful I am, and I know I will never be able to repay this amazing gift.

I am posting from my phone and I can't get the picture of the embryos to load, so I will put them up when I can turn my computer on.

Ready...Set....

2012-12-01T17:40:00.002-08:00

All the build up over the last year is HERE!

Deployment has started. We had a window of time, but we didn't get official word about the time, until less than 48 hours before. I always try to make the last couple of days as perfect as possible. Making a couple special meals, have the house pretty cleaned up with just his gear as clutter. We did have a nice dinner at home, but it wasn't nearly the "perfect" dinner I had planned. Just many things that don't matter. I finally just stopped. We just relaxed and watched a movie for a bit. The house was a mess, and I didn't do my hair and nails, I didn't have the snacks I wanted to send with him, I didn't get to write the notes that I wanted to add in his bags. However, we had a wonderful day! That was the important part.

As you may know by now, it is time for the transfer!!! Holy Cow!! I can't even believe we are here! We have had so many moments that we questioned if we were really going to be able to make it. But God has made it happen! We definitely couldn't have done it without those of you that have been following our story, praying, helping, and donating. There is no way we will be able to fully show our gratefulness. We will continue our thanks, and we will cherish our family beyond belief! Thank you all again!

Caryn and I will heading to Arizona on Monday afternoon. She has been doing great with the medications. Even the oil injection that she was really worried about. She has gotten some advice from friends that have done it before. I'm so glad it isn't as bad as she expected!

Tuesday at 1:30pm Mountain Time we will be at the clinic for the transfer! Sad Brian can't be here for this, but they are able to record the microscopic placement of the embryos, so at least he can see that. They just told Caryn not to exert herself too much over the couple days after the transfer. We will stay Tuesday night, and drive back on Wednesday. This week is when we need EVERY prayer we can get! This is what every step has been heading toward. I am so excited! I am also scared. This is the end of this road. We have 2 embryos with 1 opportunity. If they attach, we will be parents. If they don't.... we will have a whole new fork in the road we will have to chose. But, POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!!!!

Contract (late posting)

2012-12-01T15:31:00.001-08:00

Just found this in my "Drafts"! Should have posted November 20th.

So today we finalize our contract. This is a formality for courts when we have to file for maternity/paternity rights. Because whoever gives birth is the "mother" that goes on the birth certificate. This way, it is easier with the hospital and legal system. PLUS.... I believe that contracts are so important even in personal situations such as this, where you think "why would we need that?"

The basics are simple: It is Brian and my baby. Caryn does not want it. Caryn and Carlos know and accept the risks of pregnancy. We are fully responsible for any financial needs that involve our baby. But take even just a normal pregnancy... walk through all the variations that could come up.... now add another couple to the mix... through in some extra emotional chaos from each individual party...I am guessing a little extra financial cost to make sure surrogate is happy and healthy... and just for laughs, make sure you can maintain a civil relationship because mother babysits surrogates children! Hahaha!!! We are all clear on what is going on, but I am so happy we have this contract to deal with any issues before they come up.

A Month Later!.....

2012-11-15T18:45:00.000-08:00

Well, what an amazing month this has been! I can't believe it has been a month since I have posted! I am sorry I am not keeping you all updated! You may want to make sure to follow Caryn's blog at www.mypodtheirpea.blogspot.com. She is much better about updating! Haha!

First off, my amazing friend, Maria, and her husband cosigned on a loan for us! With this, we are able to finish paying the clinic, pay for the meds, pay for all of the travel including hotels & food, and anything else that comes up. The day the loan went through, I just sat and cried forever because there was just this HUGE weight lifted from my shoulders! We still have to pay the loan back, and we have really been trying not to add to our debt, but this is just what needed to happen.

We also got a little surprise at Caryn's first appointment. There was a polyp that needed to be removed. This is the second thing since this process started that has had to do with Caryn's health that would not have been found without this. So grateful for this so that they don't sit there for years and get worse. Tricare would not cover the removal for this, but we needed it done, and we needed it done quick to not add to medication costs and extend our timeline. Brian's Aunt Debbie offered to do the procedure at no cost in her office in Seattle! You can read more about Caryn's time there, HERE.

I will explain more on my next post (won't be a month! I promise!). But basically, everything is looking good. Caryn is on pretty much her full cocktail of medications right now. She has another appointment next week, and the transfer is scheduled for DECEMBER 4th!!!!!

Thank you everyone for you love, prayers, and support!

Don't Count Those Chickens!

2012-10-17T10:22:00.001-07:00

You would think with living the "Military Life" and even just having made it to this stage in life, I would have learned this lesson. At least to not "count out loud".

I am such a trusting person. When I am told something is going to happen, I have no reason to doubt this. The truth is, people don't always follow through... or they have their own time frame.

The main thing that has proven this lesson to be correct is the military. I love this life (difficult as it is). However, there have been so many times that Brian has been told one thing ~~will~~ might happen. I try so hard to remember that things change...that what is said rarely happens as planned. But even with that in my mind, I open my big mouth (like I am right now) and I share information that I am excited about. Then... things change, and I am left looking like an idiot for saying anything. So, after that happens about 20 times, why spend that emotion!? Why share? Why do I keep opening myself up and allow myself to be viewed like this? I don't know that this WILL change. I don't know that I WANT myself to change. I like that I think the best of people first. I don't want to always think "I'll believe it when I see it." BUT... I do need to keep things to myself if it is not set in stone.

All of this came about because we have been having difficulty receiving one of the loans that was promised by someone. It is a loan from a person (as opposed to a bank loan), interest free, and relaxed payback timing (although time of birth is still our goal). We are in this same situation where we need to pay for things right now. I have been taking a break from "bugging" everyone with constant fundraisers, because I was counting on this. But here I am again, "egg on my face" unprepared for a variation from the plan. Fortunately we are not at risk of complete standstill and loss of the progress we are at. However, I still look like an idiot, and will be back to "bugging" you all with our fundraisers! :-)

I am excited to hear about Caryn's appointment today, and for her to share with you!