STORY OF LIFE

taking risks...

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 17:27:47 PST

Nothing lasts forever. So live it up, breath it out. Laugh it off. Take chances. Never have regrets. Because at one point everything you did was exactly what you wanted! I read this somewhere and the words just got stuck into my head like the stamp to an envelope! Sounds the perfect thing to do but when you put it in practice, something is just not right! Live the moment, take it all in, be glad for every little thing that comes on your way...this is my philosophy but I could add up a bit of brain, pride, that essential ego! Do whatever crosses your mind, whatever your heart tells you but don't forget to pay a short visit to your brain because, sometimes is the best and safest way to enjoy the ride!
When you feel that the ground is shaking, that you don't know whether to turn left, right or go straight, when you don't know what you feel anymore, you tend to think with your heart and forget that this is the surest way to uncertainty, pain, doubt, fear and all those stupid feelings that drive you crazy day by day!
When all these are getting into your soul, just take a moment, breath, check on your brain (though it might not work properly being dominated by the heart), work hard, let time do its job, think of everything else but that certain thing, try to see the big picture instead of analysing the little details that don't count. Don't hang on to some words that were said in the heat of the moment, don't live guided by a simple feeling that you had in a moment of weakness and most important don't judge.
Lately i have started to ask myself a million questions regarding the way we are... when you have too many things in common with someone you think you are in love and see everything in pink. But after a while you realise that exactly those parts that you so much share together are exactly the ones that keep you apart. They are the difference between best friends and lovers... on the other hand, maybe that's why they say that opposites attract! You find someone that is so different, someone that you are trying to understand, to get to know and yet, at the end of the day you feel that you didn't find out anything, you still don't know him! That someone that you can't live with but you can't live without! That certain someone that you are so sure it can bring you the moon in the sky and in the same time start wondering if he really cares or is just and act... that someone that sometimes can make you feel so high that you actually fly and sometimes can bring you so down that you're not even able to put yourself together in due time! So good and yet so bad! Such joy and yet such pain... a mix of fun and danger! You never know what you get!

foto: alidavies
You take the risk, you are brave thinking that you can fix anything, thinking that you can bring out all that good inside..by the time you realise that you can't change facts and feeling you are so into it that you feel something just hit you right in the face and you just can't breath anymore! Exactly when you think that you can't take it anymore, that is too much, somehow you find the power to stand up, to risk again, to start all over again...you are up and down again not knowing what to expect, not knowing what tomorrow looks like. In spite of all these you just fight, fight until you can't fight anymore and that BE FOUGHT FOR!
You do everything that's in your power to make things right, to make them work...there are moments when you just think that you failed, that you just can't do more... exactly then something changes everything, a little gesture, a hug, a smile, a nice word, a flower, a cuddle...at the right time they can make miracles happen...
You just smile at today and feel like the world is all yours, that nothing can bring you down. Maybe you need the pain to be able to appreciate all the good that comes with it, maybe at one point all that fight and struggle is worth the pain!
After all, life is like a box of chocolates... you never know what you get! Maybe is all in the courage of risking it all for that thing that seems so right! So what if in the end you loose? At least you tried and learned something from it... you know that next time you should do things other way! Just think at the possibility of winning, that sweet taste of victory... if you don't risk you'll never feel the glory, you'll never know hot it feels to be queen of the world, to fly up in the sky, free as a bird!

I AM LISTENING TO:

GO WITH THE FLOW....

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 15:17:28 PST

I missed so much the quiet moments when i get to think about what should i write here. Lately i've been looking for an hour to just lose myself in the sound of my fingers touching the keyboard... so many plans, so many things to think about, few choices that i have to make...choices that involve my future here, in this place that i feel i belong with all my heart!
One day i was saying that life is easy, we just like to complicate it... well, sometimes not everything is easy, not everything ends up the way we would like to...not everything turns out to be what we think it is!
Maybe we just have to follow our instincts, to go with the flow and see where it takes us. I discovered what i really want for myself, i discovered my real passion (besides writing), the thing that completes me, makes me smile every day... this is what I should do...when everyone is telling you that you're a natural, when every single person trusts you in a matter of seconds only because they see your talent...is something, you feel a bit proud of yourself and start thinking that this is your call, that this is what you are meant to do.

foto: sayingsaboutlife

2012 started perfectly for me and i feel more and more confident. I know that this is my year, this is the moment when all pieces will fall together and make the most wonderful scenery ever.
Found my balance and learned how to trust myself and see the things that I should have seen a long time ago! Slowly i am learning to make baby steps, to wait for what has to come, to begin to understand that we have to let life take its own course without interfering or pushing things towards where we want them to go...
I have learned to let myself be vulnerable in front of someone without being afraid and thinking that this way i am weak. I think this means trust after all. Such a lovely feeling! Not being afraid of anything in spite of the fact that the one besides you knows your fears, your secrets, your loss, what makes you happy and makes you sad, what makes you go mental and what makes you laugh so hard. It's nice to have someone who encourages you and tells you that you'll do well in everything that you want to do!
In spite of all these, I can't see anything else. Usually i like to think the future, to imagine all sorts of beautiful things that i want to happen. Somehow, this time i don't see any of those, I can't imagine what will be, if it will be or how it will be! I just let things be the way they are without asking anything more.
On the other hand my time is occupied with important matters, with things i need to solve for my road should be paved with good things from now on! I am waiting for the spring, for the day to be longer so I could walk around like a lunatic, so I could spend some time close to the nature, to go in the park and clear my head, to listen the sound of Thames without freezing to death, to drown the bad thoughts in this powerful water and fill my soul with that special energy that gives me so much joy.
It won't be long! Till then... I just go with the flow!

I AM LISTENING TO:

AND SO ON....

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:49:01 PST

It's a full moon tonight and I am just staring at it for an hour thinking about everything and nothing, making plans for the future, trying to see how it's gonna be... guess what? I see what I would like it to be but one can never know if anything it's going to be like in our dreams...
Lately I've done things that I never imagined I would do. Lets see: ice skating (pff... never thought it would be so fun), started knitting (sign of old age) and lots and lots of other "strange" things like that!
How on Earth I started I have no idea but i am getting the hang of it! It's relaxing and gets your mind out of things you don't want to think about!
Had some fears that I am still trying to get rid of! Specially my fear of normality... this is the biggest one! For such a long time I have seen this like something almost unreachable for me and now i find myself in the middle of it not knowing if i should take it for granted and just enjoy it or live with the fear that it might end when I love it most!
There are ups and downs with damaged people and you just have to endure it hoping that time solves everything and you'll wake up one day and reap the benefits! It's a risk that rebounds take it without knowing where things are going! You just take the good parts, be happy and ignore the bad days! Don't think about it! Keep your mind occupied with some other important things and hope that time always heals!
Give space and freedom and you get what you want in return!
My friend was telling me that I am more into it then I let myself realise! She is so right like all the time! But... for how long I have dreamed about something so normal? How long I have waited for the simple things? Yeap... long time! So... I am into it more than I admit but just because I want to, because I choose to be and because I deserve good things!
On new years eve, at midnight I received a text that sounded like this: HNY! Hope you get what you deserve! I was thinking: is it good or bad? I mean... that person wished me for the things i wish for myself or it was like a warning? Still don't know but I hope it was a good thing because it's hard to think that someone will text you exactly in that special moment to wish you things you don't want!
Strange but... what can I say?!

foto: magickalgraphics

When you dance near a scorpion you start thinking that everything is possible!
This moon is so strange tonight! Can't get my eyes of it! It's like it hypnotises me...takes all my ideas and lets my brain empty! I get just flashes, small words that are hard to put together! And I find myself again pushing things through the road that i want without having that patience, the key to everything! I breath, count to ten and try to find it, to calm down and let things happen as they should, let life follow its course and just live!
My mind is so complicated sometimes! It doesn't let me rest and makes plans over plans, sees things that should never see, imagines things that are not supposed to happen, gets on a road that should be blocked... sometimes our mind plays tricks on us and we find ourselves n situations that we don't want just because we have the capacity to influence our life with this powerful thing called mind!
We are what we think! So... think beautiful, think happy, think love, think all the good things in the world! Don't let the bad get in your brain! Suck the good out of everything and enjoy the little things that count so much!!!

I AM LISTENING TO:

2012 ...

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 12:00:15 PST

My blog will be 3 years old in a month! I can't believe it's been so long since i started playing with words, describing my emotions, my fears, my happiness or tears! I never imagined it will go so far since I started writing for fun! After some time it became addiction and I still remember me sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and typing and typing all the time, thinking that actually nobody is reading it! This was my refuge and still is!
2012... i'll be 32 this year! The year when all my life will turn on the right track, when i'll get to fulfill all my wishes and live my dreams! This is the year when the child in me will sit quietly and let the mature handle every piece of thing I need to!
Every new year at midnight I think that i'll be better, happier, that i'll do only good things and i'll love everyone but somehow things never happen the way we want all the time! Last night i didn't think about anything in particular, I just lived the moment and i've been so happy to have my friend near me! The only person that understands me, knows me with good and bad and never judges me although sometimes I tend to do stupid things! She loves me the way I am and I adore her! Last year i was thinking that i will change my job, write a book, fall in love and get married... i did change my job, i wrote the book but is trapped in my computer and maybe will never see the light of the day, i didn't get married but I moved to London... so many changes and still I feel that I am only at the begining of my life!
Last night was beautiful up to one point but the memory of it will remain as one of the nicest and dearest I have ever had! I've kissed the two people I've wanted at midnight and I've been promise that "This will be our year!"

foto: fanpop

Step by step I am gaining my confidence back and I see myself as I was supposed to see for a long time!
For a few years I used to dream about being in London on New Year's Eve and admire the fireworks near Big Ben... well I was in London but the only thing I saw were the fireworks in my heart! Briliant thing...that rush that I got, the butterflies...2012 is going to be one of the happiest that will come along for me!
I dare to think that I've never been so sure and confident all my life! I dare to think that every piece from the puzzle that is my life will be were is supposed to be and it will transform into a beautiful scenery, one full of nice and good things!
I don't have any idea about what I am supposed to write more today! I can't find the right words so I better stop here with the promise that I'll be back as soon as possible!

I AM LISTENING TO:

CHRIS(TMAS)...

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 08:05:18 PST

Not many will understand the title but i think you'll get the picture at one point!
My Christmas Eve wasn't exactly how I expected it...fell asleep after couple of crazy hours...woke up in the morning to have a lovely and quiet breakfast in his arms...nice feeling!
Usually at this time I am waiting for my friends at home, prepairing special things, waiting for them to open their presents and see their happy faces, admiring the blue and silver Christmas tree and listening to Christmas Carols!
Seems like nothing compares to home! By now I would have received my gifts and the sparkle in my eyes would say everything about it! The smile all over my face, the joy in my heart...a bit of wine to relax...hmmm...those were my Christmas days, even if I was at work (which usually happened! Between news and lots of editing we felt in our hearts the joy of Christmas...I tried to make this day special for those who worked with me and I think I managed to do it good!
Anyway...this year I am not home, I am not working and I have only two people to be with: my lovely friend that I love most in the world, she means everything to me and I would like to make her happy, to make her feel the magic of Christmas and the other one, my crazy damaged man who is not in a Christmasy mood, who doesn't feel anything lately but pushes me to make him good again!
I was thinking that maybe I have a fatal attraction towards damaged men! I always believe that I can make them better, that I can cure them and make them see the beauty of life again! This time is different because I get something in return, I get the stability and confort, I get some piece of normality back... it's going to be a difficult ride...it's a dangerous road that I took but somehow I know that nothing is easy in life so...i'd better enjoy the ride and not think about anything else!

I don't know how I feel today...happy and mad, a bit crazy like he says...I am trying to make myself understand that nobody is perfect, that we have to accept the ones we want with good and bad, that we have to understand every little part of them in order to love them, that we have to get used to the ups and downs of a damaged person! Today more than ever I feel like patience is the key word here, understanding, being good, opening up when the other one is closing...hard but not impossible! It's a long way to go and I guess everything is in my hands... but after all this is life! You have to take some risks... you never know because if you win or loose but there is no point in sitting back and wondering "what if?"
I take my chances this time, risk everything and get my emotions up in the sky, put them on a tray and serve them as desert for the one that needs them so much! Come to think about it, I need to do this for myself too!
Apparently this is my december and I would never change it for anything in the world! I live every second of it like there is no tomorrow, not wondering what is going to be or if there is going to be...just taking everyhting for granted and floating, living my life like I should have done it all the time!!!! I learned how to be a bit selfish and how to think about what I want, what I need....
This Christmas is ours and no matter what I am going to be happy!!!
I wish you all the best and hope that the Christmas spirit will find you and bring you happyness, joy and tones of love!

I AM LISTENING TO:

DEAR SANTA....

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 04:12:27 PST

I've been meaning to write you a letter for some time! I know i haven't done it since I was a little girl... I remember those moments like they were yesterday!
Do you remember? I am sure you do...that magic night when you sat reading my wishes for Christmas...remember how I used to leave you oranges, apples and candy under the Christmas tree? I always thought that if I do this you will give me exactly what I wanted... such good memories...
Now, though I grew up, I've become more mature, I want you to know that I never forgot about you...I know not many believe in you lately but deep down in my soul I know you are real, I believe in your magic and that you see every little thing...
Maybe this year I won't have a Christmas tree but the spirit exists in me and I'll wait for you like always...
Do you remember how I used to fell asleep under the tree hoping to see you when you sneak in the house to bring my presents? I don't know how you do it but i think you have some special potion or something and you always know when we are fast asleep so you find that perfect moment when nobody could see you...
At one point I thought that you don't exist anymore because everything around me looked so dark...so silly of me not to look for you again and find you!
Some may say that I am naive or even crazy but please don't mind them! Just ignore these thoughts like I do! Or, maybe you could touch them with your gift and make them believe in you again!
Somehow i found you and you brought me back my soul, you brought back the joy in my life and I can't think of anything else that I could ask from you! Right now I feel like I am richer than anyone on this planet! You gave me back my best friend, you wrapped some love in a pretty box and gave it to me as a surprise, you made me realise how beautiful life can be and teached me how to open up again... God, so many things!

foto: atypicaltypea.com

I know i haven't been as good as i should have but do you think I can ask you for something more? It's not for me but it will make so happy! Please, visit my family and let them know how much I love them, bring a smile on their faces and light up their souls, go to my "sister" and give her everything she desires plus a big hug from me and please... pass by every house and when you see someone crying or sad...make them smile, fill their hearts with joy, make them see the beauty of life! Make them understand that there is no point in crying over the past because that is gone; make them understand that there is no point in stressing over the future because it hasn't arrived yet! Make them live in the present as beautiful as they can!!!!
Oh, i don't know if you have the time to read everything here but i hope you do! I need you to!
In the end i would like to thank you for bringing back the magic in my life! And because you are Santa Claus i trust that you won't miss anyone this year and that my wishes will come true!
So... THANK YOU, SANTA :)

I AM LISTENING TO:

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 00:59:04 PST

So many I have lived lately that I really don't know how to begin or if I should begin! I am home for 3 days now...not because I lost my job or because I have days off for Christmas but because I am sick. My face looks like an alien or a baloon...not quite sure...London's wind put it's finger on my face! It's depressing looking at myself in the mirror in seeing what I see! I hope I'll be ok because I really can't stand sitting in the house doing nothing...I need to work, to do something not to go mental in here...
I was praying for some days off to get the chance to rest, to see the lights in centre of London (they are amazing), to spend some time with my damaged man...seems like I don't get the chance to do any of those things! I couldn't even go out to buy presents for the ones I love and I want to...so badly!
Anyway...i have to get well by tomorrow or else I will forget the way I look normally and I'll have to look at pictures to remember...not the way I want things to happen!
Apart from that, things are starting to look better and better every day! I am not rushing into anything but the feelings that I get are the most beautiful in the world: confort, peace, stability...normality that I thought is scary but actually is quite good!
I miss the talks with my special friend and I hope that i'll see him soon and catch up things because there are so many to talk about! I need his advice and his words...but I am optimistic and I know this will happen very soon too
One of the most important things is the normality that I have found lately...someone who is making breakfast, hold me, prepares my bath when I get home for work, asks me how was my day, how I feel and what I want, someone who tells me: "you make me feel alive!", someone who tells me that i am going to have a special Christmas.... how I prayed for all these and now i take them for granted without thinking about it... maybe I am selfish but I think i deserve all of it and more!
I want my Christmas tree from home, the one with blue and silver that I made last year and the year before, I miss my mum's food but the things that are happening sort of compensate it! I can cook in here if I want but the taste won't be the same, I can make my Christmas tree here but I am sure it won't have the same magic... some things just can't be replaced...

foto: zerrorollouke

Sometimes I get to think about it and I realise that no matter how hard we try there are things we can't forget and we can't replace...good or bad...some of them are stuck inside of us and will stay there forever! They come to the surface when we least expect them... they are our memories, they are part of us and they define who we are!
I was talking the other day with my damaged crazy man about changes, about the way we are... it's strange how we come to like someone for who he/she is and after a while to make so many efforts to change them...when we finally achieved what we wanted...we don't like the picture anymore! I was wondering: why this insane desire to change the ones we love? Do we feel like we have to mark everyone in our life? We were saying that we don't want to change anymore for anyone...that we want to stay the way we are... come to think about it...we are not the same we were last year and we are not the same that we'll be next year but this has to come from us, from what we want, from who we are and not from the ones near us!
Why do we feel like controling every little part of our partner? Why not letting them leave? Why not giving them the freedom we also need? Controling comes from not trusting and if you lack trust...you don't have anything anymore! Let them free...if they come back it means that is worth everything, it means that you finally got what you wanted! Safety, stability...these are the things we all need...the rational butterflies..."It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone" - comfortable quiet...the moment when he kisses your forehead, holds you in his arms and none of you say anything...that perfect feeling that you are not alone anymore - everyone's dream!!!
I've been promised to have the most beautiful and special Christmas in my life so I have to make it like that for him too! He deserves it! We both deserve it so...stay tuned!

I AM LISTENING TO:

DAMAGED GOOD...

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 14:46:23 PST

Lately i couldn't find the right words to describe what i wanted to write about! I started to think about the lagguage that we all carry with us along the way, that lagguage full of damages...we all get dissapointed, we all run like crazy to find that happy ever after story and we get hurt while trying to find it, we all carry memories - some good, some bad - and we all have scars - some very recent, still bleeding from time to time, some old but sensitive! At one point in life everyone said: "this is the one! i can stop now and live my story" - somehow it didn't happen! With this you can add some weight into your lagguage... stay still for a while, try to redescover yourself, you even allow yourself time to heal not thinking that exactly that time is doing nothing but to get you deeper and deeper into a painful state of mind...
Recently I've met a very nice person but also very damaged! From that point on we started getting together more and more often, talking for hours and hours almost every night about feelings, about damages, about how can you heal from a bad experience or how long it will take you to heal... guess what?... there is no recipe for that, there is no answer to that... it just happens without knowing, out of the blue... it can take months, years or forever... maybe we all are damaged in a way or another, struggling to get over bad experiences...trying to face the world as good as we can!
At first we all say that we need time for ourselves, time to process the pain, time to heal, time to redescover who we are! We just take 6 months of lonliness, thinking it should be enough, that after all this time we can be again on the market! I realised that all this time that we say is for healing is actually a waste... we never have enough time for all the things we want to do so why waste it on doing nothing? Time is too precious!
We will never be the same again, experiences change us, some make us stronger, some put us down but in the end, they just define who we are, they change us into a more and more mature human being, they test our limits so we can find out how much we can give from the heart wihtout receiving....

foto: guxaxiji

On this road we call life, we just gatter more and more luggage to carry...but at one point all this has to go away, has to stop...we don't have to let ourselves pressured by past, we don't need to live the past cause that was lived once upon a time... we have to let go and move on...we have to see the good and beautiful things that happen in the present, today, now...we need to think about what will be and not what is was....
Day by day i become more and more confident... i have learned how to get rid off the lagguage that was keeping me still in one place, i realised that we are all damaged ready to heal but never healing...we all have deep dark secrets, we all have scars and we all suffer from time to time but... we have to keep walking further, to make one step forward not backwards every day so in the end we can say: this was my life and I am proud of it!!!!

I AM LISTENING TO:

HERE AND THERE...

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 13:42:50 PST

The human mind is the most powerful thing in the Univers...it can bring you up and down in an instant, it can make you see fireworks or cry your heart out for things that actually don't exist.
I always hated beginings, they frighten me. Starting from a new place, a new job to a new relationship... beginings are the scariest thing in the world for me! Start meeting new people, see new things, do something you never imagined, or go on a first date expecting the world and getting nothing or the other way aorund...practically... you never know what you get!
Lately I am here and there...my mind in wondering around and makes me look like i don't live, makes me look like a child with her head in the clouds!
Wanting everything now and not later, loosing my patience, this rush that i get...makes me feel more and more confused!
I feel ready for things i never thought i'd be again and I want them badly and just because of it seems like i can't get them! When you block your mind and you panic, start having negative thoughts... your life goes there and not where it's supposed to go! You just close the doors that are already opened for you, you say no to happyness and start walking in circles around your dreams!
We should live life as it is, without higher expectations, without thinking of something natural like is the centre of our own world when is just another experience or another brick that paves our road towards what we dream of!
Never had I imagined that my thoughts would guide the events in my life, that we are what we think and we attract what we think!

Fear stops us from doing what we have to do, stops us from achieving what we desire, what we need...fear is the worst feeling when it comes to guiding our life!
Positive thinking attracts positive things in our life! An open soul can be felt by all around you and can bring you absolutely whatever you dream of!
Just live, be glad that you have what yo have, thank every day that you are alive, that you smiled and you brightened someone's day, that a smile changed your day, thank every day that you are closer and closer to your dreams, that you have learned even the smallest thing and you are wiser than yesterday; don't judge a book by it's cover because, most of the time it's pages hide magnificent feelings, stories that you couldn't imagine...that can change your universe forever! Don't be afraid of anything, go with the flow, make mistakes and learn from them, follow your instincts and don't think that it's too soon or too late for something...try it and see what can come out of it! You have nothing to lose! Invest emotions without thinking that you don't get anything in return! If you think and feel that it is worth it..got with it!!! Live the moment, be happy for the opportunity that you get and don't start analysing every detail...you'll lose the most important aspect... the joy itself...you'll just attract fear into your thoughts and you end up ruining beautiful things...

I AM LISTENING TO:

IN TIME...

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 14:09:58 PST

It's so hard to believe how much one can change in a year...this time last year things were completely different. I was completely different. If someone would have told me that my life will have such a turn I would have laughed and laughed till I got tears in my eyes... I would have said: "You are comletely crazy! It's imposible!"
Just one year ago I was planing a Christmas party in my house, I was making New Year plans with the girls and we were watching "Pretty Woman" remembering how we were when we had 18 or 20...this time last year I was telling to the girls that my plans are so strong that I refuse to fall in love in December so everything will remain as we planed... no men were allowed in our group for that month...It was actually the first year when I had weeks off from work and it was incredible! So much time to spend with my friends and do everything I want...
I was between two important work projects and nothing seemd to be wrong... though i was thinking about quiting my job and going to another place... in the same field of course because at that time i couldn't imagine myself doing anything else than what I always did... I couldn't imagine myself starting over my life, making decisions like i did...I couldn't imagine myself feeling so strong about places I had never seen...
I started thinking about how I was and how I am...I am still the same and yet I have changed so much...
Sometimes we make plans, we say things that we really believe but life takes us by surprise most of the time...one can never know when will find love, when will find that something that changes all in a second... our stories are already written, we just have to read them while we live our lives...we can't change the destiny no matter how hard we try...if something is meant to be... it will be!!!
This time last year two people teached me so many things... i still love them deeply and I can never thank them enough! They teached me how to believe that dreams can come true, they teached me that life is not only about worries and concerns, that i deserve the best there is... they teached me how to smile again and how to feel! One of them told me one day that I have so many resources, that never knew a stronger person than I am, that I am such an extraordinary woman who knows nothing about believing in her own strenght...I still don't see that amazing person in myself and maybe I still don't have that confidence that I should but those words made me think about a couple of things I have done, things that not too many could have done by themselves... come to think about it: i accomplished lots and am still afraid of failure. Whenever I want to do something really important i back down just because I am too afraid... I know where all these come from and I am frightened by the thought of never recovering from that... yes, I made progress in the healing process but will I ever be completely recovered? I keep asking myself and I don't have an answer to this one....
Time heals but some things can never change...some scars remain for life and change us...

foto: ME

This time last year I wouldn't have thought about changing so many things...this time last year I was really happy... now, this year I am still happy but in a different way... even happiness has so many faces...like we do!
Now I keep asking myself why people don't have the courage to scream out loud their feelings, to see their dreams, to connect with whatever makes them happy... why some forget who they really are... why they can't look in the mirror and say: I am like this, I feel this and I want that...instead they hide behind their masks and forget completely the person they really are...maybe not because they want to because they just forgot...
Couple of days ago I saw a movie that has an interesting point...it's called "In time"... did you ever thought how your life would be if everything would be measured in seconds and minutes of your life? If you get paid in time, spend time for food, for clothes, for transport and everything you need? How would you appreciate your seconds then? If you could give time to someone...who would you give it to? If someone would have too much time and will just give it to you... what would you do with it? I know I would give my time to people have lost on the way...if I could I would keep them close to me for as long as I could afford...

I AM LISTENING TO:

THAMES AND THE BUTTERFLIES

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 14:11:51 PST

Morning is one of my favourite moments of the day...doing my coffee and savouring it in perfect silence I manage to crack up, to find the optimism I need, to clear my head and clean my soul... Just couple of months ago I felt so fulfilled, I had such an amazing feeling looking at the beautiful sun...shining just for me, feeling the cold grass on my feet revigorating all my nerves... I was thinking how bad it will be when I won't have the chance to sit on my bench in the garden... this time came so fast... now I am having my morning moments looking through the window at that bench and missing it so badly... still those 30 minutes spent only with myself are priceless...the smell of fresh coffee still enlightens me
Holding a baby in my arms and looking at him smiling at me strangely reminded me of something... at home I don't have butterflies! They disappeared somehow...I don't know where but I really miss them...
Here I just watch their crazy dance and I smile. White, black, blue... an infinit of colours flying from one place to another giving me an incredible state of mind...
Their wings in the light of the day... they are so free! When I was little I used to dream about being a butterfly... being able to fly wherever I wanted to, being able to be in any place anytime... I was dreaming about their freedom having no idea what that feeling was called while I was thinking at it...
Since I came here I saw them so often, I admired them and I started thinking that just now I started to have what I was dreaming! Slowly but surely every detail starts to have a certain shape... I started thinking that all these years, all the pain, the ups and downs, the loss.... all of these have been given to me so I can be able to appreciate what life will offer me in the future.
Lots of us think that we get the butterflies only when we fall in love. Actually we feel them when we are happy, complete, fulfilled... I get the butterflies everytime I go at night to my favourite place, on my special bridge, listening to the song of the Thames accompanied by the gong of Big Ben; watching the night light reflected in the water... i don't know how, by miracle taking all my worries away and giving me such a positive energy that I can't describe; I get the butterflies when I think of all the changes that will take place; when I feel the cold air on my face in the morning...

foto: animals

It's absolutely fascinating to live like a butterfly! To be completely free, to be happy that you are alive and not for a certain something; to love freely without asking anything in return; to have an open heart without being afraid of anything
I think we all have to learn to be like these amazing two wings creatures, to fly freely wherever dreams take us, to create our own universe of colours, that infinit of nuances that dance in wals steps in front of us!
Have the power to dream , have the power to wish for absolutely everything because dreams can come true! Miracles happen every day! Why not to you?
It's all in our minds... as long as our brain creates only positive things, nothing bad can touch us. We make our lives by what we think. The human brain has the incredible capacity to attract positive or negative energies by the way we control it... We attract good things, memorable ones, special moments that we live at such an intensity because we want them...
Suffering is like a contraction of mind and, unlike the pain... is optional! We choose to emphasize it or to fight against it. We choose to get lost in the past or to move on and enjoy what is real, what is next to us!
After "secular struggles" that lasted 31 years since my mum brought me to life I learned to choose what I have to choose, to have the courage to risc it all for one dream!
I am like a butterfly with millions of colours... free to dream about everything I want, free to love unconditionally, to treasure the blue sky, the burning sun, morning coffee and this place in witch I feel like nowhere else! I am a butterly with an infinit of nuances... a soul between souls, happy that exists and happy that sometimes has the chance to live moments that take your breath away!

I AM LISTENING TO:

THE CHILD IN ME

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 22:54:17 PST

In each and every one of us there lives a child who knows how to be happy because of certain things without others to find out....we like to say that we are mature enough, that we passed the age when a toy ment the world for us... we hide our crazy little pleasures, we are brave, we are now grown ups with responsabilities who think at a certain level and see the world with different eyes....
Actually... we are all a bunch of lost kids who sometimes stop and stare, don't know where they are heading for and wait for a good word from mummy and daddy or a big good friend! We all get into certain situations when we just don't know what to do although we keep on saying: "you have to get over this one" "be brave" "you are an adult now! nothing can stand in your way!" ... empty words meant to give us strenght, to take us further more in this life, words that we keep on repeating over and over again so that maybe one day we will learn to handle our existence on our own....some do succeed, others don't...

foto: composedvolcano

It's the same thing as when a baby is learning how to walk... he is happy because he doesn't realise that in that moment, the miracle that he is facing will just get him deeper and deeper into the world we live in, into daily life, passing another step until he will hear that from then on he can manage on his own! The little one realises only that left right move that is taking him everywhere without help from someone else... the only thing in his mind is a little trick that he can do in every little corner of the house...he sees the magic of that moment... when, actually his parents are glad that with every step their child is learning to manage on his own...
One day we wake up and we are in kindergarden, school, highschool, college... then work... and that's it....we are in the middle of our lives and we forget all the magical moments, we forget how to be happy because the sun is shinning, we forget how to appreciate the little things up to one point when we get tired of all responsabilities and so much seriosity, of decisions that we have to make, of problems and so many other things and we remember that after all we are kids and deep down inside we redescover the joy of a silent moment, the wonders of a walk in the park and we remember that the child inside of us can never die because no matter how much we try he is there even we don't always see or feel him...The child inside us is just sleeping. The only thing we have to do is to wake him up, to redescover what hope means because it's the only place from where we can feed our souls with so much courage..."mini us" is the only one with absolute power over us...is the only one from where we get the strenght in times when we can't afford to be naive but also in times when we can afford a moment to breath so after we can make the big decisions! Is the innocence and hope! We couldn't live without them... we couldn't imagine life without these two feelings!
The child in me is the one who makes me smile at the sun, makes me do crazy things without thinking about what will be but at what it is! In the same time, the child in me lets me enjoy everything around me and always tells me that I can do just about everything and that tears don't help; gives me new hopes and dreams so I can get where I have to! The child in me knows how to love, to give and to believe that everyone has something good inside even if they hide it very well! That "mini me" is the engine that puts all my circuites in moving and reminds me every morning that I have to be grateful for what I have and that I don't have to crave for impossible things; mini me teaches me how to enjoy little things like the petals of a blooming flower, the smell of fresh grass, the fact that I exist and that i love... makes me think that there are no too big problems for me, that I have the courage to defeat them all like they are not real problems but little humps on my way to becoming someone when i will grow up...

I LISTEN TO:

PEACE AND QUIET

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:17:20 PDT

Lately I found myself looking desperately for some time spent only between me, myself and I... i am quite a loner so these kind of moments are all I need to charge my batteries and carry on! I found myself dreaming of just an hour in the company of a book and complete silence. Somehow i just couldn't find it... seems like if you have such desires.... they won't see the light of the day... or, at least for me
The noise around the house, the nice job with the shitty boss filled made me get deeper and deeper into a state of depression that I haven't had in ages...I actually don't remember when I've been in such a bad mood before...Today I was so close to finding that perfect moment when I realised I left my book at home...bad luck and my state of mind got from bad to worse... met my friend in Cost and had a little chat... I can't believe I started crying in front of him...God, I felt like a stupid child who lost his favourite toy or something...I was weak and I don't know how I will get over the idea of someone seeing me so vulnerable...After he left I sat there staring at a Christmas tree made out of paper... five words were marked with red colour: share the love this Christmas,...suddenly I heard the sweet carols in the backround and I was confused... smiling and crying in the same time...I started thinking about the Christmas spirit, about the magic that brings in my soul, about that amazing night when I listen to my music and stare at that green tree dreaming about all I want for myself, about Santa Claus and his reindeers... I need a Christmas tree and lots of snow...
I got out and the sun was shining in Spanish for me...opposite to the snow and cold it brings...strange thing but instead of trying to smile I wanted to cry and cry till every bad thought was out of my mind...
I got home and my friend took me shopping thinking that this old therapy will cure me... she even got me a pair of pink pijamas: sleepyhead ones...nothing seems to work today for me... not the pijamas, not the christmas carols, not her mum's visit...absolutely nothing could get me out of this crazy mood...
I fell asleep in the afternoon with my eyes wet and a terrible headache...when I woke up, put my boyfriend jeans on, a pair of nice boots and a furry vest, took my book and got out of the house... I was still looking for some peace and quiet...stopped in a coffee shop and there it was...one latte, "Rudolph the rednosed reindeer", a comfortable chair and a very good book... after couple of pages I found myself smiling with my eyes and feeling confident again...everything will turn out exactly as I want...not everything is that bad...and after all... how can I imagine that I can have it all just by trying to sprinkle fairy dust all over my life?
Someone said to me once that reality is a far fetched bitch we all struggle to understand...maybe it's true...maybe I had to understand this on my own terms in order to admit it out loud...

foto: lowdensitylifestyle

There are a million things I have to do, there are an infinit thoughts that run through my head like butterflyes and there are moments when I feel like a child... but maybe we all have this spirit inside till the end...I know I have it and from time to time gets out at the surface and smiles, and acts foolish, and makes crazy jokes and likes to play in the park and eat lollipops...
It's past ten o'clock and I am locked in the kitchen hearing only the sound of my fingers hitting the keyboard ... feels so relaxing...i even smile at the thought of crying in public like a weak depressed woman...after all we have moments when we feel down and it's so conforting to know that the ones you care about and love are just a text away when you need them...and that the moments you treasure so much appear exactly at the right time...
Sometimes we get tired of what we do and can't find the pleasure that it was there before but with a little help...everything can fall back in right place and we find the strenght to carry on because every dream is worth fighting for...

I AM LISTENING TO:

PS: this one was stuck in my mind all night so... UPDATE:

TRICK OR TREAT

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 14:49:20 PDT

...and the title is just to be in the spirit of Holloween, or maybe not! I am not sure yet. I've got the flu so my brain takes short brakes from time to time. It seems that i can't manage to start writing though many ideas run around my mind these days.
One of them is the running away part...running away from responsabilities, from certain sitations, from feelings...dissapointment, bad relationships and choices, hurt...all of these make us build walls around us, walls so thick that at one point we don't even know who we are anymore and we start asking ourselves: am I strong or weak? am i romantic or not? am i sensitive or not? who am I after all? Just a simple actor on a stage called life! We all play a part. Some good and become stars, some bad and no matter how many times you see them... you're just not impressed!
We all wear masks over masks. You are one at work, one with your friends, one in public and one at home. We all try to hide our feelings as deep as possibile so we won't be considered weak and vulnerable. Those who explode with happiness or sorrow, those who just learned to be honest with themselves and with everyone else, those who have the courage to admit their feelings... they are just freaks in a world full of actors! They scare the others so everyone runs away and treats them as minority! They don't act so they don't belong here!!!
Sometimes I think about who I really am... how well I know myself and how well others know me! Some say things about me that I didn't even realised, some think that I am like this or that when in fact they don't know nothing about what I feel, what makes me smile, what hurts me, what I love and what hate. Some say I am the strongest woman they met and others that I am the weakest they know...
So... let me tell you something about myself: I am stubborn and no one can condition me in a way or other. I choose to have around me people like me, people who pay attention to detailes (sometimes too much, people who know what they want from this life (mostly in matters of the soul and what is inside not outside us) strong people who can say that a black ball is white untill they manage to convince everyone else... sometimes I pitty the weak and sometimes I stay away from them. I am just an observer of everything around me and I strongly believe that I can learn something from everyone. Maybe all these come from my self education, maybe my whole existence is about learning...
I have an infinit of good and bad parts...the worse may be the stubberness because when I say NO, God forbid you try to convince me of something. No is no till the end. There were times when I regreted this NO, times when I hit my head to the wall but once a decision is made, there is no way back. I calm myself, try to mobilize myself and move on.

foto: tumblr

Maybe this is just one of my masks or maybe is who I really am...maybe I play hard and learned how to hide my weakness for fear of getting hurt, maybe this is the wall I have built...or maybe i just grew up and changed from who I was a long time ago...
On the way we may find that we got lost in someonelse's dream, that we play another part on another stage... how we find our own way back then? Run around from a stage to another? Take a deep breath and try to remember our part? Or play along and stop questioning?
Maybe the flu affected my brain and got me to think all these crazy things or is just the fact that lately I can't stop but wondering: how well do we know the ones near us?
Everyone has secrets, everyone has a certain part of their life that they just don't want to remember though, exactly that part makes them who they are. They've loved and have been dissapointed so they don't trust anyone anymore even though happiness knocks on their door so many times... others decide to keep on trying and fail most of the time just because they are nothing else but fools of love, eternal optimists who dream about storied they read and movies they see not thinking that is all a fantasy...
"Love isn’t perfect. It isn’t a fairytale or a storybook and it doesn’t always come easy. Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, and impossible to live without. Love is work, but most of all, love is realizing that every hour, every minute, and every second was worth it because you did it together. When you truly care for someone, you don’t look for faults. You don’t look for answers. You don’t look for mistakes. Instead, you fight the mistakes. You accept the faults and you overlook excuses. The measure of love is when you love without measure. There are rare chances that you’ll meet the person you love and who loves you in return. So once you have it, don’t let it go. The chance may never come your way again." I don't know who said this but is just as simple...
We make choices after choices...some good and some bad and we have to live with them and learn from them because after all, in life... we trick or we treat?

I AM LISTENING TO:

DREAMS

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 15:00:28 PDT

I can't stop wondering why everything happens for a reason... lately i felt so tired and i started thinking that I made only one step towards my dream and that there are so many many more till the end. At the begining I was happy that I found a job so fast here and mostly because everyone was telling me how lucky I am in this matter. But come to think of it this is not happyiness at all... is just another baby step. I started feeling more and more disappointed of me, I wasn't even able to write wich was the worst of all... day by day I started to feel like I am getting dumber and dumber not being able to use my brain as I was used to!
This job is not me at all!
Last night I got a kick in the ass from a dear someone! Without even saying a word about it he started telling me that it can easily show that I am not doing anything that I love, that I am stuck in a place a don't belong and my glow just fades...that I am wasting my talent and nothing I do comes from the heart! Nothing more true than this!!!!!!
Today I received another confirmation!
The truth is that I felt scared to make another move, not being so sure of my myself when it comes to english speaking and writting but come to think of it, maybe I really am silly! I started to wonder how many people came in London 20 years ago and they are just incapable of speaking at my level and still...they found somewhere that confidence that i lack!
Long story short... what makes me happy? What I really love doing from the bottom of my heart? WRITTING!!!! This is the only thing that completes me, that defines me as a human being. So why shouldn't I try to take off my mask and do exactly what I like doing?!
I was very brave when I took the decision of living behind all my life, my family and friends, all I have achieved in so many years of hard work just for coming in a place I feel like home. But... as was saying, this was just the first step from the many may to come.
Probably the time for the second step is very close because I feel the need a for change, for something higher than this. Everything is easier said than done...
you got to learn to trust so tough.. you got to reajust, you must believe that you are the one! Sometimes I was wondering if the risc is worth the ride...YES it does!
I know that patience should me my middle name but when it comes to my dreams, exactly patience is missing. Maybe it's time to just breath, think, relax, enjoy the ride for a while and put myself together, trying to find the strenght to make baby steps and to wait for the oportunity that I have been looking for! Maybe rushing is not what I need, maybe running with my head in front is not the best solution to get where I want!

foto: lexicerc

I was told to think more of myself, to see the real me, to see my real potential that I am not aware of and from here to find my self confidence but come to think of it I need a balance! It was always like this! The balance between work and private life... if I don't have one I have the other... hmmm... if I have both... that is perfect for me! When nothing works the way I want to... i find myself lost! Now... I can't say that i am missing the balance. I have a part of this and a part of that but I don't settle for: better than nothing! I guess I am just a simple human being after all, just a person who wants more and more of everything!
Our lives are all about taking chances, risking everything, having the courage to move on from a road to another!
And in the end, I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the ending - we don't.Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance and in peace that comes from knowing you just can't know it all. You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong... Maybe not knowing is the key...maybe not having an answer for everything is exactly what we need!

I AM LISTENING TO:

MISTAKES

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 13:30:12 PDT

I just read something that made me think about that little thing that always scared me: signing a piece of paper called wedding certificate! It got me so horrified! I used to see it the same way as becoming someone's property!
At one point I couldn't stop wondering if all this is true or everything is just a piece of my crazy imagination!
"I felt hurt when I lost all men I fell in love with. Today I am sure that nobody loses nobody because nobody owns nobody. This is the real experience of freedom: to have the most important thing in the world without owning it." (Paulo Coelho)
We tend to see the ones next to us as things that belong to us instead of human beings. We tend to forget that they have feelings too, that they love us no matter what...we just take them for granted because we are so sure they will be there tomorrow like they were yesterday!
Maybe we all are selfish when it comes to love and we get lost on the way. Maybe this is the reason we lose and we just have to realise the mistakes we make instead of asking ourselves: "What is wrong with me? What did I do? Why everything happens to me?" - and so on....
Mistakes are normal, we all make some during our journey through life. What is important is to learn from them so we won't keep on doing the same thing over and over again! In tears and pain we all swear that we won't do this and that, we won't fall so fast, we will watch our every single step when it comes to starting something, that we won't get emotionally involved as fast as the speed light, that we won't start saying big words until the other one! We keep on repeating these in our heads till we are so convinced of what we are saying!

foto: afewsilentwords

The problem is that some say love lasts exactly 3 years... hhmmm... and after? What we are supposed to do? Get over and find someone else to love? And from this we can go on forever and ever... habbit is dangerous but on the other hand is so nice to know every little detail that makes the other one laugh or cry, is so amazing when you know that someone is just there whenever you need him/her, that they are the ones who are able to listen to your problems without saying just "aha", the ones that hug you in that exact moment when you need a pair of arms to protect you!
Forgetting about habbit we can thing about the situation when after those 3 magic years of love you come to realise that the other one doesn't make you happy anymore but you just don't have what it takes to walk away and find something better!
Come to thing of it... i lost myself! I don't know what I want but I surely do know what I don't want and from here I think it might be a point to start from. I made mistakes, sometimes I took the right decision, I cried and laughed, i loved and suffered and I am sure I will go through all of these again and again just because this is life! I am in the middle of it like we all are. We just have to live and be thankful for everything that comes on the way!
I was thinking: how would it be if i had a time machine? I would be able to go back in time and repair every mistake that i made, i would retract words that i didn't mean at some point, i wouldn't trust the ones that hurt me, i wouldn't have loved the wrong one! It would be so nice to be able to correct my mistakes! Or not... without all these I wouldn't be ME...maybe I didn't learn all that I was supposed to but I am sure that the important issues got stuck in my head!
I have learned that I don't have to regret anything, good or bad. Without making a certain mistake I wouldn't have had other good things in my life. I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
We shouldn't be scared to make mistakes because without them we wouldn't shape our lives, we wouldn't be who we are...feel free to be wrong from time to time but learn to to the right thing next time! Feel free to love at any age and to start your life all over again and to follow your dreams because THE FUTURE BELONGS TO THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN THE BEAUTY OF THEIR DREAMS!!!

I AM LISTENING TO:

IN SEARCH OF HAPPINESS

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 12:53:45 PDT

Their entire life people try to get where they think they will find happiness. At the end of their journey they find themselves unhappy; on their way, some forget what they are searching for. Then they start going round and round without a purpose...
Just stop for a moment and live in the present!
Experiment, meet new people, ask questions, be creative...it's the only way you can find what you are looking for!
If you can do this...you can do just about anything you have dreamed of! Everything in this life is about knowing ourselves, about knowing who we really are, about understanding our own feelings in the pursuit of happyness! We all want the moon in the sky but deep down inside we know we will never get it! On the other hand, we have to be aware of the fact that there are some things we can achieve!
Sometimes we lack the courage to start looking for what we really want, we lack that little push that will take us back on track, that little push that makes us remember what we are ment to do on earth, what our hopes and dreams are! Maybe we will never find eternal happyness but it's worth trying to achieve it!
There are moments when we stop and stare... when we just question ourselves: Is this what I really want? Am I happy like this? Where am I going to? Is this my dream?
Life is a journey and we all have to go on a certain road but you never know if is the right one untill you reached then end of it! From here you just figure out that there are moments when you have to think just about yourself. Not about your family, your friends, your lover ... but about YOU!!! What makes you happy, what makes your soul shine, what makes you feel the butterflies running aroud your head (and I am not talking about the crazy, no brain butterflies but the logical, realistic ones)!!!
Maybe there won't be a certain someone who will turn your life upside down but a certain thing, a certain passion that has been sleeping inside of you for such a long time! For some these butterflies appear when they write, for some when they paint, when they sculpt, create music... for some when they love, for some when they see the beautiful smile of innocence! You never know untill you discovered that magical feeling that makes your entire being just glow!
We all have a meaning in life and we all look for happiness but someone's happiness can be others pain!
We all understand our own notion of happiness and if we don't make that big step towards it we'll just live with no meaning... maybe there are moments when we don't feel that we are happy anymore in a certain place or in a certain relationship but we get stuck in there just for the sake of it, just because we got used to it and we don't have the courage to move on or because we don't want to hurt the ones involved! But what is the point of all these? How can you find your own peace of mind if you don't have the guts to start all over?

foto: studio83

At one point I was dreaming of becoming someone, I was dreaming of succeding on my own in a little world... somehow I managed to do that! I got to the point where I thought I will find happiness... strange... I found out that it was just one of the many dreams I had! I wasn't happy enough or it just wasn't what I was ment to be on this planet! For a while I was afraid to admit that I spent so much time chasing something that was not ment for me.... a simple trip made me realise the fact that I was stuck somewhere where I didn't belong. Just a plaine ride and I figured out the fact that home is not where you are borned but where you feel that some strange power takes you when you least expect!
For a while I was thinking I am kind of a freak trapped in my own world, loving my lonliness... well, I learned that I am not the only one, I have learned that for some of us is just normal... Come to think of it, in order to love someone you have to learn to love yourself first, you have to learn to love your lonliness and after that you can say that you are capable of loving another human being.
I adore my lonliness, I adore my moments when I am just me, myself and I... and maybe this is the point when I finally find myself able to love someone else....

I AM LISTENING TO:

FARYTALE

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 15:22:55 PDT

What woman doesn't dream of living a fairytale? If there is one who will answer NO to this I really wish I could meet her. Even if they admit it or not I think they secretly long for one!
Once upon a time, someone asked me if I want my prince...I said "NO! I don't want any prince charming who will come and rescue me on a white horse and take me to his castle!" I still have the same answer but this doesn't mean that I don't wish forr my own version of a fairytale!
Since we were little we have been fed with stories about unconditional love, about the poor girl who was working from day till down and out of a sudden she met this guy - who, by accident was some kind of a prince, becoming king - and fell in love with him and he fell in love with her and so they lived happily ever after. THE END!
How many times does this happen in the real world? Did ever "Cinderella" lost her Manolo Blahnik shoe (the only pair of good shoes she had; bought while starving for 3 months)and the "night in shinning armour" found it and looked for her all over the world? How many times "Snow white" chocked with an apple and the prince happened to look for her in that moment, to kiss her and so on? How many times a woman lived the "Sleeping beauty" story?

foto: my-family-fun

All these are just stories and we were borned to believe in them! Of course is good to dream, is nice to have expectations but I started to think that most of us grew up emotionally damaged because of those fairytales. There is no perfection in real world, there is no "they lived happily ever after" in his castle... ok, maybe in her castle or in a nice house but we have to admit that this includes a couple of arguments now and then just to spice up the life!
Can anyone imagine how two people would live a lifetime together only in happiness? Won't they be bored to death from all those pink clouds? Where will they find the beauty of making up after a fight about who is going to buy food this week or who is taking the garbage out?!
Now... I want to live my own fairytale, the one in wich I have everything I ever dreamd of! Security, protection, understanding, love... not perfection! Nobody is perfect so how can I dream about something that doesn't exist?! When I was little I used to be so sure of the fact that I will never get married. I used to tell my mom that I will have only one baby ( a boy); that I will raise him on my own ... practically this was my idea of how I wanted things to be! She was looking at me like I was an alien and was telling me to keep my mouth shut cause I don't know what I am talking about! She was right. I didn't know anything about life at that point. Come to think about it, I don't know much in the present either but a couple of things look different from this point. I still want only one child but now I also want my own version of "prince charming" who, accidentally doesn't look like the one in the stories I grew up with. He is not mister universe, he doesn't live in a castle and he doesn't rule the world. He is just an ordinary man who is able to protect and understand me, an ordinary man who knows when to shut up and when to talk, who knows when I am right and when I am wrong and the other way around... just a man who is able to understand that I am not all honey and sweet...
Thinking about it I start to wonder... do we have only one "prince charming" that crosses our lives? Or maybe there is the one we meet in our 20's, one in our 30's and so on? In other words: “It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.”
— Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Once upon a time, someone said: The concepts of soulmates arose from Greek mythology. According to the story, our ancestors once had 2 heads, 4 arms. They did something to offend a god so that god punished them by splitting them down the middle, resulting in the creation of humans. As a punishment, we are condemned to spend our lives searching for the other half, our soulmates

Is there such a thing or is just another story to be selled to the people?

I AM LISTENING TO:

FULL MOON

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 16:01:28 PDT

Ideas run through my head like millions of butterflies on a field of sunflowers...it's been 3 days since i pray to have at least one hour just for myself...to be able to enjoy the sound of my fingers touching the keys of the laptop...i so missed this feeling, this perfect silence that makes my mind fly wherever she wants to...
Finally, when I find myself alone, I am just staring at the blank page trying to put some words together but somehow I don't know how to start. There are some many things I want to say but can't find a way to make them fit together... I am thinking about time, about the full moon, about the strange energy that I started to exchange with the children lately, about how strange life is and where it takes us sometimes, about the fact that I so want to do so many things ... and so I am back at thinking about time! Such a precious word...TIME! We don't know how to treasure every minute of our life...we get caughed up in our daily routine that we forget to live, to enjoy every breath we take.

Still, even when you learned what makes you smile in the morning, what makes you carry on even when you feel you hit the rock bottom...you realise that time is so cruel... never lets you do all the things you want to do... it's never enough for those who need it, for those who dream about it!
Yesterday was my day off and I had so many plans, I wanted to do so many things... in the end I realised that none of my plans worked. Why? Simple... because I didn't find the time... John Burroughs was saying: I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.
I find so much truth in these simple words!
Time passes so fast lately! Feels like yesterday I came here and in fact it's been already four months... so many things changed... feels like I changed in a blink of an eye but am still the same...maybe I just found myself as I dreamed for such a long time!
Good things happened and one of them is the fact that I had that closure that I needed like the field needs the rain in a hot day!
Just sitting and talking today I realised that I am finally cured of the pain I was hidding for such a long time! Don't know how, don't know when but it happened and it feels so good!
I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together!
No one teaches you this lesson! You have to learn it for yourself. You have to make mistakes, you have to go the wrong side of the road so that you can realise why certain things didn't go the way you wanted and others that you didn't even consider just fell into your lap and made you feel like "king of the world"; why certain plans failed and others succeded against of all odds.
I started to think again about the farewell letter of Gabriel Garcia Marquez. His words inspired me and helped me get the balance right in my life the day I thought hope is just a word and life has no meaning...
You think about that and start to treasure every second of your life because time is cruel and never comes back.
"If for an instant God were to forget that I am a rag doll and gifted me with a piece of life, possibly I wouldn't say all that I think, but rather I would think of all that I say.
I would value things, not for their worth but for what they mean. I would sleep little, dream more, understanding that for each minute we close our eyes we lose sixty seconds of light.
I would walk when others hold back, I would wake when others sleep.
I would listen when others talk, and how I would enjoy a good chocolate ice cream!
If God were to give me a piece of life, I would dress simply, throw myself face first into the sun, baring not only my body but also my soul.
My God, if I had a heart, I would write my hate on ice, and wait for the sun to show.
Over the stars I would paint with a Van Gogh dream a Benedetti poem, and a Serrat song would be the serenade I'd offer to the moon. With my tears I would water roses, to feel the pain of their thorns, and the red kiss of their petals...
My God, if I had a piece of life... I wouldn't let a single day pass without telling the people I love that I love them. I would convince each woman and each man that they are my favorites, and I would live in love with love.
I would show men how very wrong they are to think that they cease to be in love when they grow old, not knowing that they grow old when they cease to be in love!
To a child I shall give wings, but I shall let him learn to fly on his own.
I would teach the old that death does not come with old age, but with forgetting. So much have I learned from you...
I have learned that everyone wants to live on the peak of the mountain, without knowing that real happiness is in how it is scaled.
I have learned that when a newborn child squeezes for the first time with his tiny fist his father's finger, he has him trapped forever.
I have learned that a man has the right to look down on another only when he has to help the other get to his feet.
From you I have learned so many things, but in truth they won't be of much use, for when I keep them within this suitcase, unhappily shall I be dying."

YOU SHOULD HEAR THIS:

KARMA

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 14:41:25 PDT

Lately I've been thinking about karma quite a lot...about how much truth is hidden in the old saying "what goes around comes around"
It takes time to realise that you get back ten times more than what you give... you give love - you receive love, you give a smile and that smile returns to you in a way you don't expect! The world is what we make of it! To understand this we have to learn to know ourselves, to forgive ourselves and after that to try to relate with each other.
Mind, body and soul have to work together as one. When you abuse one of them your whole self gets lost on the way. "Emotional dis-ease lies behind many illnesses. The breakdown of relationships in marriages, families and other human groups strains the well-being of those involved. Drug addiction and alcoholism, the abuse of human body and mind, and the prevalance of crime, violence and racism are signs of a deep-rooted sickness in our local and national life" (A time to heal)
I have learned to find happyness in small things, i've learned to look for joy in the sunshine, in the magnificent lights that shine over a beautiful city, in the flowers that fill a room with beauty...
Everyone looks beautiful when they smile with their eyes and this only because the eyes ARE the mirror of the soul. A beautiful soul is seen and felt by everyone around and enlightens every dark corner of the world!

Find that thing that makes your soul smile and take advantage of that because while the movies look best in black and white, the real life has so many colours that you can't imagine! It's all in the way you explore every nuance in it!
Best things happen to those who wait, those who have patience...what is ment to be will come to you easier and faster that you expect. If not... you can make as many efforts as you can... it won't happen'... This is one of the most important lessons that I have learned. There was a point in my life when coming to London seemed like a dream and although I was trying to makes things work, nothing was coming out of it! One day, everything became real without me doing nothing. Everything became exactly as I used to imagine while I was lying in bed daydreaming on the wings of the night in a world that I felt so close to me, in a world that I felt like home! I realised that everyone has the right to decorate their own traditions as they want to, everyone has the right to accesorise their life in their own style just because it's theirs. Something simple can have as many nuances as you can imagine! Today you see something... tomorrow a little more and so on till you get the feeling that behind everything is hidden something... maybe sometimes a big secret held by the author of a good book, by the painter who finished his work of art trying to make you understant exactly what he felt when his brush was slowly moving on the canvas... like a moment in time!
There are no rules when it comes to beauty of life... only the ones that we make for ourselves and those are the only ones who count! Look deeply into your soul and forget all the bad things that make you sad... look at the bright future that is in front of you and be happy that you exist, be happy that you are a part of this world!
..................................

Words are tears that have been written down. Tears are words that need to be shed. Without them, joy loses all its brilliance and sadness has no end - Paulo Coelho

I AM LISTENING TO:

FEELINGS

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 13:05:13 PDT

I was talking with someone a while ago and I was saying that sometimes I feel the need to be taken care of, to be vulnerable. He said to me that it's something that will last for 5 minutes cause these feelings are not quite a part of me! Someone else told me today: "You are a tough one!"
Hmmm... how come? I really don't know. I am brave, independent, strong... am I? All I know is that I feel a little tired lately. I started thinking about the fact that everyone says to me that I am not the vulnerable type, I am not the "cute doll" that all feel the need to protect. I have been used to being the strong and bossy one but ... don't we all feel at one point that we are actually weak...ok, maybe not weak but not as tough as we are. I don't know...
Maybe it's because I am so tired that I started thinking like that, or because I find myself in that point of my life where I want everything in a second. I know that I will have it all but patience is not my virtue now!
Baby steps... good ones, recomended actually but somehow I forgot how to walk like that...i feel like I am rushing to something...something that I know is good for me but something I really can't describe....
Maybe it's time I let things go and just wait for that certain something but I don't know where to find the patience I need so badly!
I made a rational decision about what I want from my life. I want the kind of things a whole load of other people want. Still I find myself being scared of normality. I want it but I don't know how to deal with it.
Sometimes I wonder what normality is, if is good or bad. I chose a path in life that led me to a tone of happenings that made me who I am, changed me in a way I couldn't imagine. I chose my way and yet I now stop and I ask myself: when I started wanting normality? What clicked in me so strong? Maybe it happened so slow that I didn't realise till soon.

foto: photobucket

The things I left behind had melted in my mind and now there is only purity... I see the big picture and what is yet to come makes me so confident. I don't know from where I get my energy and the power to believe but it just comes natural this time and even if I am sorounded by fog when it comes to what will be, a light somwhere is so bright that makes me smile all the time.
It's not easy to head off into uncharted waters, but every journey starts with a first step. Fear will keep me from taking that first step, from untying the boat from the dock. Fear will also keep me from making new discoveries - I have decided to sail and see what God had planned for me. Maybe normality scares me but I can't change the direction of the wind...instead I can adjust my sail to always reach my destination!
Five minutes of writting and I am positive again. Exactly what he said to me: i won't resist to being vulnerable.
I believe in karma... what you give is what you get, love and be loved...smile and that smile will return to you ten times more beautiful and powerful! Last night I was talking about karma and reincarnation...I believe that we all have a purpose in this life, a certain role in the world, a mission to accomplish...things left unsolved, lessons not learned from previous lifes. Some of us have to learn how to love, others how to share, to dream, to believe, to hope... In a book I discovered that I was Henry Tudor...strange having in mind the fact that since the first moment I stepped foot in London I felt like home... I don't know if it's true or not but I only know that feeling that can't be described in words.
I could write forever about this but the main idea is that we have to discover our own path, our own mission and to walk that road without fear.

I AM LISTENING TO:

NEW CHAPTER...

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 10:04:04 PDT

Hmmm.... i could say "long time no see" but lately i've been using these words too much...i have decided to start writing in english. Not because i want to show off. I hope that the ones who really know me will understand. I've been "crying" for such a long time looking for my inspiration not knowing where i lost it...milions of ideas run through my head but somehow i can't find a way to develop them...Out of nowhere I discovered the reason...it's almost imposible to write my own thoughts as easy as i could before just because I am speaking another language every day. I started thinking in english and when i want to empty my mind...nothing comes up...they don't sound the same as they used to...Anyway... the ones who count have the capacity to understand this thing so I will get to the point.New chapter I was saying...lately i started feeling like I am only at the begining of my new life, like new pages start to complete by themselves without me doing anything... it's strange how you can find yourself in a point where you stop and stare for a minute, thinking about what it was, what it is and what it will be, about what you want, what you desire, what you dream and hope. Words form sentences that become stories...the stories of our lifes. Destiny...i believe in it...in fact i believe that everything is written somewhere when we are born and no matter what we try to do, no matter how we fight it...we can't do anything about it! What is written never changes...is like when you fight for a lost cause...fight until you can't fight anymore, you struggle to achieve something that wasn't ment to be achieved ...so destiny is something we can never change!

foto: statz

"The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think that it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly coloured, and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question - is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us. They say 'Hey! Don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride.' And we...kill those people. Ha ha ha. 'Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride. SHUT HIM UP! Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and family. This just has to be real.' It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter because: it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings, and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourselves off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what you can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defence each year, and instead spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, for ever, in peace." - these words belong to Bill Hicks. Everytime i tend to complicate things in my life (like we all do... aparently simple doesn't match as good), everytime i tend to become drama queen... i read them and remind myself that after all it is just a ride. Life has ups and downs but this, only to remind us that we have to treasure every second of the time that we have in this world cause nobody knows for sure what happens after our souls decide to leave our bodies.At one point in my life i realised that no matter what life brings us, we have to embrace...good or bad! Imagine if you only had good things happening every day, 24/7....would you know how to apreciate them? would you know how to treasure the green grass, the smell of the flowers, the amazing smile that a baby gives you when you hold his tiny hand? Answer : NO! YOU WON'T! Bad, painful things exist in our lifes so we can learn to apreciate the good ones at their exact value!
I started writing last night but somehow i stoped...put myself to sleep hoping i would dream the world. This morning I woke up smiling to the sun, full of hope and energy. Grabbed my book - started a new fascinating one - made my coffee and went to the garden. Complete silence...the smell of fresh coffee...just me and the story, me and the sun...took my shoes off and stepped onto the cold grass... what a feeling! It's amazing how i found myself living again...lately i forgot about the little things that made me feel so alive. I was so tired from all this work...today I charged my batteries :) Today I rediscovered that "me" that i was looking for for such a long time...actually not that long but it feels like ages since I last felt exactly like I want to feel...
Made new friends that I like so much! Some of them became so dear to me in short time but I don't want to get into detailes cause I am selfish about it: i'm keeping all to myself! All I can say is that I am sorounded by positive energies that complete me in a strange way.... I like positive so...it's good.

LISTEN TO THIS:

BE TRUE TO YOURSELF

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 03:23:38 PDT

In ultima vreme am inceput sa ma gandesc din ce in ce mai mult la un aspect destul de complex...sinceritatea...si nu ma refer la cat de sinceri suntem cu cei din jur ci in mod deosebit la cat de sinceri suntem cu noi insine.
Este unul din cele mai importante aspecte ale intregii noastre existente si totusi, multi dintre noi nu realizam faptul ca uitam cine suntem, cum suntem...ne mintim singuri din teama de a fi vazuti altfel... afisam diverse laturi ale personalitatii in diverse medii si situatii pana cand gasim numitorul comun si atunci incepem sa fim altcineva...cel mai grav este ca acel "altcineva" ne acapareaza total... de cele mai multe ori realizam prea tarziu ca nu suntem asa, ca nu gandim asa, ca ne dorim cu totul si cu totul altceva doar ca ne-am adancit intr-o stare de nimic cu gandul ca e mai bine asa...
Am observat atatea si atatea asemenea persoane... e trist! Oameni care sunt fericiti numai de suprafata, care nu au curajul sa isi recunoasca faptul ca au pornit pe un drum gresit si au continuat sa mearga mai departe numai de ochii lumii, numai pentru ca asa li s-a spus ca este corect si nu pentru ca era exact ceea ce isi doreau!...atatea si atatea persoanea care nu sunt in stare sa isi exprime un punct de vedere clar, spun ceva si gandesc cu totul altceva... o spun doar pentru ca sunt constienti de faptul ca este exact ceea ce vor sa auda cei din jur!
Nu pot sa inteleg unde le este curajul, nu pot sa inteleg unde este personalitatea, demnitatea... ma depaseste!
Mi-e greu sa realizez de ce se intampla asa ceva...mi-e greu sa inteleg de ce ajungem sa ne mintim pe noi insine, de ce confundam atatea si atatea aspecte ale vietii... confundam materialismul cu nevoia de a avea ceea ce ne dorim, confundam iubirea cu atractia fizica, adevarul cu parerea cuiva... in final... ne confundam pe noi cu altii!

foto: donnamalach

In urma cu ceva timp cineva ma intreba ce m-a determinat sa las totul in urma si sa ma mut la Londra. I-am raspuns asa cum raspund oricui. E greu de explicat si putini inteleg exact ceea ce s-a intamplat cu adevarat in sufletul meu. Evident ca nu a perceptut vorbele mele ca ceva real. Imi spunea ca are senzatia ca este mai mult de atat, ca e ceva ce nu spun, ascund un anume aspect... hmmm... oricat m-am chinuit sa explic, parerea lui a ramas aceeasi. Acum, eu sunt cea pusa in postura de a crede ca e ceva dincolo de ceea ce mi se afiseaza. Poate ca nu e nimic mai mult decat mi s-a spus insa mi-e greu sa accept asta.
Si de aici ajung la concluzia ca adevarul unora nu este si al celorlalti neaparat, ca fiecare avem pana la urma opinii si pareri, motive si motivatii pe care altii nu le vad decat ca pe o serie de ascunzisuri menite sa ne blocheze anumite aspecte ale existentei proprii pe care nu vrem sa le afisam.
Evident ca toti avem amintiri urate despre care nu vrem sa vorbim insa asta nu inseamna ca mintim, nu inseamna ca le ascundem. Pur si simplu le omitem. Poate din dorinta de a ne proteja, altii poate pentru ca nu suporta compatimirea, unii pentru ca nu simt nevoia sa impartaseasca cu nimeni experiente mai mult sau mai putin placute! Insa de aici si pana la uitarea de noi, la sinceritatea fata de noi este o cale atat de lunga incat nimeni nu o poate ajunge.
Nu putini sunt cei ce se mint singuri si vor sa para ceea ce nu sunt. Nu putini sunt cei care nu mai stiu cine sunt cu adevarat, cei care isi ascund de ei propriile dorinte si sentimente din teama de a le constinetinza la adevarata lor valoare, din teama de esec poate sau pur si simplu pentru ca nu isi pot accepta propria existenta!
Poate ca toate aceste aspecte ale vietii apar odata cu maturizarea, poate ca suntem meniti sa le observam dupa un anume timp, sau poate ca unii nu le vad vreodata! Cine mai stie?
M-am gandit intotdeauna la acest aspect observand o multitudine de caractere din jurul meu...e trist cand vezi oameni care au o anumita valoare si nici macar nu o stiu. Au uitat de ea pentru ca au ascuns-o atat de bine incat nici nu si-o mai aduc aminte. Oameni deosebiti in interior, oameni cu suflet de artist care s-au inchis in ei, s-au amestecat in multime si au acceptat mediocritatea majoritatii doar din teama de a nu fi altfel....
Astfel, fericirea zboara dusa de vant spre cei care au curaj sa fie asa cum sunt, spre cei care au curaj sa fie sinceri cu ei insisi!

BARBIE ASCULTA:

EGO...

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 12:45:46 PDT

Am reusit sa imi iau liber azi intr-un final glorios... am dreptul la o zi pe care mi-o aleg. De data asta ceva insa s-a schimbat. Se pare ca nu va mai fi optiunea mea ci a sefului... by the way... cica este italian... hmmm... ma indoiesc dar ce sa zic... trebuie sa il cred pe cuvant. Se lauda cu natia lui si adauga faptul ca mama lui e din Croatia. In 3 saptamani n-am auzit un cuvant italian din gura lui... cred ca este o corcitura gen... masa a plecat la munca in Italia, a ramas gravida si uite asa s-a nascut specimenul asta...
Nu imi place sa spun ca urasc pe cineva insa de data asta sunt nevoita sa afirm sus si tare ca nutresc un astfel de sentiment pentru fenomenul asta numit om...
Orgoliul masculin depaseste orice limite...este ca vorba aia cu vulpea care nu ajunge la struguri. In momentul in care sunt refuzati vad negru in fata ochilor, brusc neuronii nu mai functioneaza si incep sa te vada ca pe o cantitate neglijabila oricat de mult muncesti sau oricat de inteligenta ai fi... este in firea lor proasta!!! Nu se pot abtine, nu stiu sa piarda, nu stiu sa accepte un refuz, nu au capacitatea mentala sa inteleaga faptul ca laudele in materie de sex nu atrag o femeie ci din contra....
Dar ce rost are sa mai continui sa discut despre o nulitate, despre o cantitate neglijabila ca asta? Sper sa schimb locul de munca cat mai curand astfel incat sa nu ii mai vad mutra aia handicapata...
Parca e mai bine acum... incep sa ma calmez... cand scriu ma descarc nervos, ma linistesc!
Se pare ca nici Anglia nu duce lipsa de astfel de ratati... dar ce mai conteaza? Cred ca iese si un lucru bun din asta, daca nu cumva mai multe... sa vedem ce si cum insa se anunta vremuri bune si interesante!
..........
Asta inseamna ca am facut o pauza ceva mai lunga, de vreo cateva ore... mi-au adormit ideile odata cu mine. Mai nou cred ca am descoperit un nou hobby: somnul! Cum prind ceva timp liber... il fructific prin somn....
Nu stiu cat conteaza acest aspect in tema de azi dar simteam nevoia sa il mentionez.
EGO.... am observat in ultima vreme ca cel mai important lucru aici este sa inveti sa iti tii gura. Cel putin in anumite privinte. Cam greu pentru mine avand in vedere ca simt nevoia sa imi exprim punctul de vedere intotdeauna si ca tin neaparat sa mi se dea dreptate atunci cand este cazul.

Multi mi-au spus ca discriminarea este la loc de cinste in Anglia. Culmea este ca nu am simtit-o din partea englezilor ci am inceput sa o simt tocmai din partea unuia care nici macar nu stie ce natie este, sau mai bine spus caruia ii este rusine ca provine dintr-o tara mai putin dezvoltata chiar si decat Romania....
Am cunoscut cativa britanici si niciunul nu a schitat vreun gest auzind ca sunt din Romania, asa cum toata lumea afirma. Sunt chiar mult prea politicosi iar in momentul in care incepi sa discuti cu ei aspect ce ii intereseaza... stiu sa aprecieze conversatia si punctul de vedere al fiecaruia.
Parvenitii, cei care se dau englezi numai pentru ca traiesc aici de nu stiu cati ani... astia sunt cei care au senzatia ca le stiu pe toata cand de fapt nici macar nu au reusit sa invete engleza la nivelul cuvenit.
Stiu ca sunt pornita impotriva lor si sunt putin rautacioasa insa astia sunt oamenii pe care eu chiar nu ii suport. Niste specimene cu douazevi de fete care nu sunt in stare sa emita o parere despre nimic insa iti repeta constant ca ei au dreptate... Dumnezeu stie in ce privinta.....
Nimeni nu isi face probleme si nu se sperie de o femeie puternica si independenta, din contra... asta le place insa cand vine vorba de englezii contrafacuti... lucrurile stau ca acasa. Nu le convine! Ei sunt masculii, ei sunt cei ce conduc iar tu trebuie sa fi un simplu pion pe tabla lor de sah... din pacate aspectul asta nu este unul pe care eu sa il indragesc astfel ca lucrurile se complica pe parcurs... e clar! Trebuie sa imi gasesc un nou loc de munca!
Lupta dintre orgolii este destul de apriga si nu am energia necesara sa ma lupt cu morile de vant!
BTW... am zis eu ca iese si ceva bun din asta! Intr-una din zilele nebune de la munca, intr-unul din momentele in care seful meu se dadea cocos si facea pe interesantul in fata mea, domnul in cauza a simtit nevoia sa ma intrebe daca sunt ok si daca este necesar sa spuna ceva si sa ma apere. Mi-am luat pauza de masa si am inceput sa vorbim. Este englez de la mama lui. Imi place stilul lui si faptul ca politetea este la ea acasa! Vrea sa ma invite la cina si la film. Ce dragut. Poate ca o sa accept invitatia. Se intereseaza in fiecare zi sa vada daca sunt bine si daca am mai avut conflicte la locul de munca.... Dar povestea asta o lasam pentru alta ocazie. Poate dupa intalnire. Sa vedem si cum iese.

BARBIE ASCULTA:

LONG TIME, NO SEE - partea 2

alinamariabarac@gmail.com — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 14:00:32 PDT

N-am gasit alta rima azi... avand in vedere ca sunt exact cuvintele rostite de londonezul meu cand, in sfarsit am reusit sa ne vedem dupa lupte seculare!
Am avut parte de o zi frumoasa, linistita, o zi in care am reusit sa imi limpezesc creierul, sa ma relaxez asa cum aveam nevoie. Munca de aici este de cele mai multe ori extenuanta astfel ca acele cateva ore petrecute in compania lui erau exact ceea ce trebuia!
Sunt un infinit de aspecte ce ne despart. De data asta distanta nu face parte din ele insa celelalte conteaza mai mult decat zeci de mii de kilometri. Nu pot spune decat ca va face parte din viata mea pentru totdeauna si il voi pretui ca si pana acum. Cu toate astea, probabil ca este timpul sa inchei unul din cele mai importante capitole.
Unele lucruri nu se schimba deloc si totusi nu sunt la fel de la o zi la alta... asa cum nicio iubire nu este ca cealalta,... asa cum suferinta ta nu se compara cu a nimanui, asa cum, dupa o betie crunta iti juri ca nu mai pui gura pe alcool si totusi
data viitoare uiti si o iei de la capat!
Poate ca unele lucruri nu sunt menite sa fie indiferent de cate eforturi am depune, indiferent de cat de mult ni le-am dori! Poate ca fiecare ne avem destinul scris in frunte cu litere de-o schioapa si nu il putem schimba nici in ruptul capului! Totul se intampla cu un motiv anume, un motiv pe care nu il aflam decat la momentul potrivit.
Stateam si ma gandeam uneori pentru ce am fost obligata sa invat limba rusa din clasa a cincea pana la finalul liceului... nu am gasit o explicatie oricat am incercat. Subit, am inceput sa am un interes deosebit pentru limba lui Dostoevsky... a inceput sa ma pasioneze din ce in ce mai mult si chiar ma amuza...nu mi se mai pare atat de imposibila ca in anii de scoala! Dedicatia mea pentru aspectul asta ciudat nu este una extrem de importanta, una care sa imi marcheze existenta. Cu toate astea, de vreo saptamana s-a produs un mic click in creierul meu si ma impinge sa acumulez cat mai multe cunostinte.
Astfel, nimic nu este intamplator. Am invatat rusa cand eram mica, acasa, in Bucuresti, sa o pot folosi dupa atatia ani in Londra. Am gasit-o dificila si imposibila, ba chiar urata atunci ca acum sa imi para amuzanta si chiar simpatica. Un motiv exista dar nu este de mentionat si nu stiu daca va fi vreodata!
Am inceput sa devin individualista si sa inteleg din ce in ce mai mult sfatul celor doi ochi albastrii de acasa; am inceput sa imi dau seama ca egoismul in doze moderate este absolut necesar si ca oamenii pe care ii ai langa tine neconditionat ii poti numara pe degetele de la o mana; restul - cunostinte, colegi, sefi, subalterni samd...
Incredere este un cuvant cu o semnificatie majora si nu poate fi atribuit oricui si oricand...

Ma plangeam ca mi-a disparut inspiratia de cand am ajuns aici. Mi-am dat seama ca nu a plecat de langa mine ci au intervenit alte aspecte ce ma determina sa nu mai relatez chiar totul cu o usurinta aproape nebuna. Unele lucruri ... e bine sa ramana nespuse, sa ramana inchise undeva numai pentru mine sau impartasite doar cu cei ce ii numar pe degete. Poate ca orasul asta incepe sa ma schimbe din ce in ce mai mult, poate ca incepe sa ma maturizeze... ce-i drept ma face sa vad lumea cu alti ochi. Poate pentru ca aici nu toti oamenii sunt la fel... infinitatea de natii adunate intr-un singur loc schimba cumva perspectivele oricui. Incepi sa cunosti cum sunt romanii, englezii, rusii, italienii, indienii, pakistanezii, brazilienii, spaniolii... incepi sa cunosti diferite culturi, civilizatii si caractere! Astfel realizezi ca fiecare traieste pentru el, pentru propriu-i interes, pentru propriu-i vis, pentru nimeni altcineva!!!
Nu pot spune decat ca schimbarea de fata imi prieste, ca poate trebuia sa ajung aici cu multa vreme in urma ... dar, asa cum se spune: mai bine mai tarziu decat niciodata! Nu regret nicio miime de secunda decizia pe care am luat-o! Mai e mult pana departe, pana sa ajung sa rezolv fiecare detaliu legat de ceea ce imi doresc insa pasul cel mai important l-am facut! Chiar si pe al doilea si pe al treilea... ... de fapt am invatat sa merg din nou si ma indrept spre ceea ce este al meu de drept!

BARBIE ASCULTA: