The Writer's Corner: Pen'Dclarations 📖

How Many Steps Did I Walk -9,221. For How Many Miles -3.5. Let's Talk About It & The Human Interactions.

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Thu, 29 Apr 2021 08:45:00 -0400

Walking 9,221 steps for 3.5 miles from my house on the bicycle and golf cart path all around Lake Peachtree my social interaction begins. A warm day hitting close to 80 degrees but remained in the mid to high 70 degree mark. The time, close to 3:00 PM started my journey. No one around during this sunny time on this day of the week in April 2 days before the month of May begins on Saturday. I am wearing white soft cotton T by Talbots comfort wear capris, a loose breathable cotton top with flutter sleeves, elasticized string-tie neckline and elasticized waist. It is medium length. Brand Old Navy. White Red-outlined flowers against a purple background. My walking shoes, SKECHERS striped red and white, with worn down aerosol gel foot supports in worn down, bad shape needing replacing! Wore them anyways and felt it throughout the walk until the final stretch. Decided to wear my hot pink "gold" rimmed medium sized hoops from Talbots. Today I decided to wear an actual outfit instead of work out, walking attire. These days it doesn't matter whether I wear either. I'm still sweating in them! Then to the hamper it goes.

My calves hurt today! Hurt really bad. Not all my walking days are like this. I hate it when they are though. I made it 2 miles to the end of the road where the tiny residential park in that area rested. It was like approaching an oasis. I kept telling my feet in my mind, "C'mon don't give out on me! We're almost there then I will take my weight off of you", which is 186.2lbs. (Accurate reading from my visit to the Clinic Monday for my Annual Exam. 5'3 and 186.2lbs. Not Good. Need To Drop It!) Reaching the bench at the park was The Biggest Relief and I sat there for maybe 15 minutes. Listening to my favorite session TINY DESK. The performer Raphael Saadiq. The wind was rustling the leaves on the trees and it can be felt all around. Against my face, arms, and through my loose top. It felt nice! For a warm day these are the type of days that work for me. The sun is out but the clouds cover it at times making it less hot. The wind must be breezy with a slight coolness to it, not hot! For Heaven's sake, No! Never like the Sahara Desert. The time is approaching for it. By mid-May there's no hope for cool breezes after that. Nothing but the smoldering hallucinating dehydrating humidity of Georgia. Ain't no way you're going to catch me in that monster. Heeeellll Noooo Sir/Ma'm! I'm getting my steps in while I can.

Rotating my feet as I'm sitting at the bench there is a mother and daughter playing basketball in the caged court a distance away from me. I'm thinking, this must be "coach mommy" time. The daughter spent most of the time throwing balls and missing them. Running after each one quickly. It just felt like the right narrative. The woman had brown hair just like the girl did. Wearing typical "around the house" clothes, not like a coach. There were also some other people scattered, a couple of moms with their kids on the swings, a man and another kid on the slide. Appeared to be together. Bottles of water and a dark blue large lunch bag sitting on the park table and bench they chose to sit at. Mine was not far away but not close which I preferred. I keep my distance during this Pandemic. I can feel the numbing from walking on the bottoms of my feet. The muscles contracting in my calves. Listening to Saadiq perform his 36 minutes set with guest Lucky Daye. I rest my legs and feet for a moment to be present feeling nature around me. This is meditative. I am very Blessed to be able to do this especially during this time of day in this neighborhood. You would've never caught me saying anything like this when I was younger wanting nothing more than to get away.

This is strictly my observation... I have come to the realization as a female, a Black Female, the more engaging and social types from the non-social. When I see Caucasian White women there are 3 kinds I've seen so far, considering the area where I live. The single strolling or exercising White woman in her 40's into 60's. The single White female in her 30's. The group of 3-4 White females in their early to mid-40's.

Then there are the other groupings. White women in their 40's to early 50's with their partners, boyfriends, or husbands. Single strolling or jogging White men in their 50's. Solo White males running in their mid 30's to early 40's. Focused and determined male and female cyclists in their 50's on up. The silly stupidly reckless teenager driving erratically and/or driving too fast.

In my sole opinion I must tell the truth from what I feel and what seems to be the common thread in society through the repetition in media outlets. The blatant disregard the walking group of 3-4 White women I've experienced is real. It is very rare in these groups I'll receive a single "hello" by mouth movement and/or sound included or the simple easy greeting of hand waving as I walk by. One on the end closest to me will say something but don't expect the other 2 "snobs" to do it. It is truly a group mentality! I'm so glad I stand on my own as an individualist. No one can sway me to act differently from what feels honest and true to my nature. No one.

In this community waving is a common gesture. Most people do it out of friendliness, commonality, or just acknowledgement of another human. Not everyone will do it for many reasons that are rightful such as, "I don't know you, Don't feel like it, Don't care. No reason to do it." It's all justified. No one is obligated to do anything but it is considerable. It is not a requirement unfortunately to be "considerate" but Selfishly it is nice to receive it!

Being nice and kind is a personal trait, habit, and state of being. I realize people are not going to be this way. The millions of walks of life that exist, No Way! I don't know everybody on the planet, who does?!!? Who knows what someone is going through. Who knows what's going on in their head. For instance I walked across the bridge towards the end of a length of walking past the library and Lake Peachtree 3 different types of people in a row walked by me. 2 women walking in their 40's or 50's, a woman and man walking in their early to mid 60's, and 1 guy in his early 30's walking wearing dark shades a blue shirt and dark blue jogging pants. At least 1 person in these pairings waved except for the last one, the guy. He looked like he was in a daze or angry. Hard to tell when you're wearing black shades. Waved at him and he kept walking straight ahead like he wasn't up to engaging with anyone. Something was going on with him. I could sense it. Instead of letting it irk me my reasoning are all the things listed above and frankly, Who cares! I choose, "I don't know you" and "I don't care" as the response. This person has no significance in my life. But Hey, doesn't it just make you feel weird?!! You wave at someone and they don't return it back. I've experienced it so much I just say something under my breath. So yeah, I don't always take it so easily but it's soon forgotten. I'm listening to my music by the way. I'm Good!

This walking excursion I had to sit another time on this 10K pole walking path. On the other side of the lake it was truly Beautiful. The bench was facing the water and seeing the sun light flicker off the movement is one of the Most Wonderful things about nature. It is natural sparkle. To the right of me an elderly couple were sitting on a wooden sturdy swing. The left side of me when I first sat down 2 Black females, very young looking possibly in their early 20's or teenagers, sat in another similar swing set. Contently just looking at the water. Solemn but peaceful, I could tell. Limited people at this time of day at this spot. It can get congested depending on the day and time. Here and there a bike rider aka cyclist, a walker, a few kids with their moms. Before I knew it around 20 minutes later the 2 Black females got up and left and a White woman and her son sat in the swing leisurely eating what looked to be a treat of some kind, maybe yogurt or ice cream. The elderly couple still sitting in the swing nearby, just at ease, peaceful. And there I was sitting on the bench shaded fairly well from the sun by the tree and its leaves overhead. Someone's kid's shoes and socks left at the top of the back rest on the end. The breeze was lovely when it blew and I closed my eyes many times. Imagining what my future looked like with kids. Bringing them outdoors to spots like this and feeling a sense of joy a mother would feel. I tend to daydream Blissfulness and Perfection when I'm happy. Believing there is such a thing-A possibility. Whenever I let myself get too caught up in the idea it tends to backfire and show me what life really does look like when the eyes are open.

I still want to believe there is a chance at it even if it's only for a temporary amount of time. I want to hope it can last longer than a moment. There are people in this world who have found the fountain of youth and the point of this life-this physical existence. Be Happy. Find Happiness. You Don't Have To Live With Pain and Suffer. Do What You Can To Get Out of the Confines of Your Circumstance and Find Your Damn Happy. It is Too Beautiful Out Here Not To Be. Our God Gave Us So Much To Live For To Not Allow Ourselves To Have It.

To be human is to feel all the emotions that come with living this physical life. Denying our feelings only makes us suffer. We must experience all of them. But once we do, don't let it be long term. Allowing the heart to heal allows for Beauty to return and Grace Herself into one's life again. I think this is the hardest lesson for many people to grasp. Don't get me wrong, there are times it will be hard as hell, but after dwelling in that space for so long it gets tiresome. You feel weary and you want to breathe and be alive again. There comes a point where the suffering just eats you up and you're just f*cking sick of it. I chose to live and come out of my lowest point. It took 2 years to feel "normal" (even though I still have much healing to do) but I let God walk with me through it. Guide and bring me out. One day I felt my body change and I knew my body and soul were recovering. I still kept myself at a slow pace, not letting myself get too anxious and fearful of returning back to where I came from. I worked too hard to be ok. Eventually I felt better.

It looked like more company appeared when I turned my head again. 2 kids included! Energetic boy and girl. He had a band-aid on his knee. 1 indication of a "rough and tumble". Both of them eating a treat. The boy, thinking he could be risky walked down towards the lake. Where I sat the incline had rocks and I kept saying to myself, Child be careful. He walked along the rocks and got past them then walked further to the right looking back to make sure mommy wasn't watching. Typical boy. Then eventually his sister ran to where he was safely on the grass. Young girl having fun. Eventually I got up after listening to the rest of Raphael Saadiq (the part where he talks about never experiencing A Black Marching Band because his high school in East Oakland didn't have one- I 2nd that! And if he ever had the chance to make his own music A Tuba was going to be in a song to pay homage! Shout out to NOLA, New Orleans. I remember the song too. It was during the turn of the millennium. I was in high school and saw the music video either on BET or VH1 Soul) and feeling my last breeze off the lake and kept walking. I still had some corners to turn but the shade from the trees were worth the walk. Solo walking through a forest. Saw a couple of ducks walking my way. So close and cute. Looking up I noticed a few people parked with their golf cart in a shaded area near the lake. Animals in the wilderness these days are easier than I've ever known before. In my childhood they were nothing like this! Fearful & Timid. Generations change even with them!

As I reached a turning point a couple on a golf cart whizzed on by going straight. I watched them at my split in the path and it felt like a movie scene- 2 people traveling in one direction like a happily ever after scene. I'm so day-dreamy like that. Then I kept walking. Coming up on the left side of me a White man in his late 50's walking/jogging by waved easily and I waved back. Met a Black man in his mid 60's to 70's on a golf cart as I crossed a gritty messy recently cemented neighborhood road and he seemed all too pleasant enough to wave at me. I waved back of course. By the end of my walk there still wasn't many people around. It truly was a day meant for me. After turning the last bend walking past a couple in their 60's there were 2 women and their 2 daughters ahead of me. I decided instead of going roundabout, walking straight, cross a mini bridge, and go through a neighborhood to reach the same path going home, to walk across the waterway bridge. I took my earphones out my ears listening to TINY DESK Jazmine Sullivan (who sounds pretty darn good if I might say!) and listened to the rushing water admiring the architectural genius of the design. Rectangular flat surfaces with water spilling over the sides making this marvelous, loud, rushing water sound that has your mind in another realm. Next to them rectangular storage for the water you can see.

On the way home this group remained in front of me. Both girls seemed to be fascinated by my presence, somewhat lingering behind close to where I was walking. Their moms encouraging them to come on. 1 blonde girl with straight hair and the other possibly Hispanic with brown hair. Eventually they stayed with their mothers. We reached near to the end of my walking day at a stop sign. Somehow more people appeared on 2 sets of golf carts and a bike. I was taking my time in no rush. My legs and feet were tired but I felt energized like they were accustomed to the walking by this point and felt less strained. A line of cars appeared on the right side. A couple of cars on the left from the light turning on the highway. A white SUV stopped to let everyone cross and I knew I didn't want to rush across. Motioning for them to go I stayed to let these cars pass. It was around 4:00 PM there was some traffic. It wasn't as easy so I waited a moment with my empty water bottle bottom pressed to my lips. A car was spaced a part from another far but not too behind coming up until I could dart across the golf cart crossing. 2 golf carts were on the opposite side and I ended up having to jump the curb onto the grass due to the lack of path for me to walk on. Common for what I have to do to get home it seems.

The women and their daughters were further ahead and I felt a bit saddened by the thought they forgot about me, the solo female walking behind them. The girls I was thinking of closely walking with their mothers engaged, not at all aware of anything else. I walked up the last hill to the neighbor's driveway across from us, bid them farewell as they turned the corner, looked both ways before crossing the road, then jotted across. Skipped the mailbox and the empty garbage can. Just went straight inside using my key on the chain on my left wrist. Yelled I was home upstairs. Took off my glasses, walking meter, mobile phone with earphones, sat my empty bottle on the kitchen counter, and went straight to the bathroom. After that I was hot, my legs were still "moving" contracting muscles from the walk, went upstairs, took off my clothes. Yup, I'm a nudie. Put on my "after walking" loose tee, went back downstairs turned on the box fan in my direction, got a chair for balance, and did my "after walking" 4 step stretching exercises to avoid any stiffness and cramping the following days.

It's important to drink LOTS of water after what I did. Gulped a good portion then I was hungry! I only ate a banana and it was around 4 something. Experts say if you feel hungry after exercising your body is really saying its thirsty. Hunger and thirst are 1 in the same. The body can't tell it a part. You just have to know what your body is asking for and usually it is hydration. When I feel that starved feeling with gurgling sounds it's when I know I'm hungry. From last night after bringing in food from Dogwood Church pantry and washing the packaging with soap and water, I took out a cup of Kraft mac and cheese in the cup. Don't knock it until you try it! Follow my advice for creamy and soft noodles if you like this texture after reading. In the toaster oven discovered remaining hash browns and buttered toast, now softened. Ate it all in the "cleaned" kitchen (no dishes in the sink or stove-everything orderly put back into place).

Tip For Creamy And Soft Kraft Mac And Cheese In The Single Serving Instant Cup.

Patience Required. I know you're hungry but trust me it's worth it!

After adding water to the Fill-Line Pour in a small drizzle of Grapeseed oil or Olive oil.

Add The Powder Cheese In The Packet Then Stir Everything Together.

I Tried Adding Black Pepper To See How It Would Taste And It Was Fine.

If You Try This And Discover You Need More Salt To Taste Add A Few Pinches During This Process!

After It Is Done In The Microwave after 3 minutes Stir Again And Lay The Plastic Covering On Top.

Take A Light weight Covering such as a Microwave Spill Cover or Lid To A Pot and Place It Over It.

Let It Settle For 8-10 minutes. Come Back And You Will Have Creamy, Cheesy, Yummy Mac & Cheese.

You May end up Eating a 2nd cup. I've Been Tempted! Think of this as actually making Ramen or Nissan noodles in a cup. I use the same process with that too. The noodles taste fuller and the vegetables/meat seem more plump. The heat still retains but not as fiercely.

There Is No Place For You With Love. Her Story Has To Be Told. Listen To Her.

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Mon, 19 Apr 2021 01:00:00 -0400

There are no words to describe someone who cannot be happy for you. Who says the closest people in your life cannot be the meanest, cruelest, most unforgiving, and unrelenting. Every day you wake up to realize you have been living with the same person who can't even say Good Morning or Good Night to you the night before, unless you said it. Has a problem with wherever you are and complains about your presence in every space you share with them. Gets defensive and combative often when you question anything they say to you or when you inquire about them. This hidden, secretive, untrustworthy side to them you know exists but they deny it. This person cannot admit to it. Telling all their private behaviors will expose them.

But you know. You can't help but to know after many years of living with them. They reject the notion you know anything about them. I guess it makes sense. Do they know anything about you? Yes and No. Know enough to criticize, condemn, demean. Know enough to use it against you if necessary. But never to expose them. They are flawless, never wrong, and not weak. To show it is to be less than, rather than above. It is their personal strength to stand over others and feel powerful and strong. Knowing they have control over everyone and everything. No, exposing themselves will be disastrous! No longer have power. Can't move in the shadows and do what they want without you knowing. Can't lie knowing you don't even know the truth. Telling you what they want you to know and get away with deceit.

No. they don't know you. They know what they need to find ways to use you. You don't matter. You don't exist. No pay, just labor. Use you to run around and make life easy for them. Anytime you come around they entertain anything you say to them but are waiting you to finish to tell you to do something. Did you hear me? Did you hear a word I said? In your mind, scared to speak out loud for fear of what they will do. The temperament is instant and raging. The mouth is reckless and ruthless. It tears away at your innards and depraves your soul. Words cut like knives. The hatefulness in every word. Do you even care about me? Do you even love me? Scariest thought to think. The fear in the idea. Who will love me if you don't? Loving myself is not enough. I have nowhere to go. No one to confide in to care about me. I am alone. You taught me "Love doesn't exist in this home". You are born to serve me. To make sure I am content. Nothing else do I want or need of you. Your existence is only for me to use at my will. No one is going to love you but me.

How do I view my life? Who am I? What is My Worth? Sleeping Beauty in the castle with the dragon below. Who will save her? Where is her Prince? Cinderella in her home. Tending to the cinders by the fireplace with ashes on her clothes and body. Standing over the sink filled with water and soap. Day and Night cleaning the silverware. Washing the dishes. Singing over the sink words that sometimes makes sense and other times don't. 13 years. 11 years just the 2 of us. Just the 2 of us. The Mighty Pair. Everything to convince me we are a team "we". What I lie. We means "me". We means "you" do this for me. There never was a team. No duo. No partnership. Nothing. Born into this world as Nothing to you.

Left me to figure it out when I needed you the most. Stayed away from me when I waited for you. Waited for you to love me. Waited for you to care about me. Waited for you to change. Wasted years. Wasting my time. My Youth gone. The days of carefree, hope & wonder, excitement for what lies ahead-The Future, is gone. You crushed my dreams. Confusing my aspirations with your own. Expecting me to be You. Living my life like it is yours. Never fully accepting I Am Not You. Never Been You & Never Will Be, You. To Be Anyone But You Is A Disgrace. It Is Shameful. You Turn The Other Way. You break me down and shatter my soul. Leaving me there to perish and die. Sometimes you "care" and other times not. Broke me down with your hatred and left me there shattered and broken.

Look All Around. What Do I See? The World Staring Back At Me Serenely. The Image of Perfection. The False Perception of Happiness & Joy. It Looks Sweet. Joyful. Beautiful. Loving. But it's not. How do I know? Not at first. Took time. I can't bear listening to anyone tell me "it's not what it seems". It has to be better than not ever feeling loved. Loved for being who you are. The good and the bad. Young girl- Who told you they loved you? No one. Who meant it when they said it? No one. What does it mean to you when someone says, "Love You". It is just words. There are no meaning. Are you Unhappy? Yes. Do you mask your unhappiness with blocking out your pain? Yes. Do you feel Blessed for having the resilience to pick yourself up, smile, laugh, and dance? Yes. Without it I would not be here. How I lived this long is a miracle. This young girl is now a woman. Young but not as young as twenty. Learned a lot and grew a lot. She Still Feels Stuck. Held Back. Held Down. Chained. To The Past That Won't Let Her Go. She Still Has To Tell Her Story. She Still Has To Live Her Life.

She Is Living Her Life And She Needs To Talk About It. You Need To Listen To Her.

This Is Bliss

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Sun, 6 Dec 2020 19:59:00 -0500

Lying on your bed

Listening to All the Words You've Said

You Made Love to me with Your Voice

Then again with Your Words

It surrounds me with warmth

The most Tender & Beautiful Bliss

That feels Physical

What we consummate in the Physical

Only continues in the Mental

Lying still...still

You gave my mind and body so much to feel.

Music softly in the background

Your voice creates the most Beautiful Sounds

I can't believe I am here so very still

Feeling this real

It is like a Dream and it seems it will never end

On my stomach I lay watching you play

Your fingers across the keys on my body I need.

This Physical Bliss every second I miss

Everywhere I still feel your kiss

From my head to my toes no more lonely woes

We both experienced before now

All I hear is the sound of your music in the background

I can't stand up

My feet will never feel the ground

I just want to lay, just lay, to stay in this Physical Bliss

Every second I miss with my mind remembering your kiss

All over my body

Your closest four legged friend comes in

Laying across my back all 3 of us are a pack

And it feels so right looking at your majesty with the morning light

I can't move. I don't want to. There is nothing I want to do.

But listen to the Music & the sound you make that soothes.

The way of love is the softness of a dove.

Your white with my night is the Light of my Life

As I lay here living here in this Mental & Physical Bliss.

If I try to leave I know you will need me again.

We cannot end this insatiable sin

Over and over again we continuously win

Our minds and souls are always in

I can't comprehend how I'm still here.

I stand up to leave with your eyes all over me

I feel your stare seeing me completely bare

And nothing compares.

Your eyes make love to me all over again

I have to walk away and you make me stay

If I may, is it wrong to stay another day and watch you play

Nothing seems Better.

You play your music in the background like a love letter.

Written only to me.

I see where I'm supposed to be

Your body laying next to me, in a dream, for eternity.

This Physical feels Spiritual making love to my mental.

Your voice so deep it instantly puts me to sleep.

In my dreams I meet Him and tells me to stay it's no sin.

You are to be with him.

Just stay and just lay and listen to him play.

There is no better feeling than this.

Rushing back to the world you will surely miss

Whose kiss can be so sincere.

The way he looks at you and calls you dear

He just wants me near and I'm in love with him

We must pray that we can stay in these moments Forever

If in a different way, alright, I will accept any way.

To just stay here with you.

I pray and pray and wantonly pray.

All the senses you display.

Sight, Sound, Touch, & Taste

Sweet Smells from candles, the visuals I can Taste.

My lips against your skin.

Your lips.

On the table herbal tea you provide I sip.

And sip listening to you play your music

It just makes me slip again to our physical bliss.

Every second I miss.

Everywhere I still feel your kiss.

From my head to my toes, no more lonely woes

We both experienced before now.

You have me forever floating on a cloud.

The noise outside is loud but not here and now

In this Mental Bliss as you equally give me

Physical Bliss.

Saying Goodbye : Memoirs of a Misunderstood Young Brown Girl

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Sat, 5 Dec 2020 17:07:00 -0500

Original Date: April 2014

The house on the street. Long winding road. Third house to the left. The image of the perfect home with the imagined "white picket fence". In a city, a pleasantville, but only for certain people- not me. I come from what appears to be the perfect family but in all actuality it is far from perfect. My own personal struggle is surrounded by working parents and this 4-wall square box of "shelter" called home. I am the legitimate only child of a man and woman. No siblings, just one dog *Snowball, whom I couldn't fully connect with. Loved her from the day I first saw her but I was too much of a spoiled, provided-for girl to be responsible enough to "train and raise" a puppy into a dog. The day she had to be put to sleep was one of the saddest days of my life. It was days before my birthday, my hair had been cut super short from extreme breakage and damage. With no preparation for the traumatic event I felt a departure, like the death of a loved one, happening as a major snip and cut took place to discard the majority of my hair.
The drive with me and my father to the Animal medical hospital. Her hair was everywhere on the back seat and she slipped and slid with the turn of the car with a loud bump. She was sick. She almost fell on the seat as we made the turn. Never did I believe I would feel the way I did. Death was not common in my life other than seeing my mother getting out of her car in August 1998 crying, with a personal pain that could be seen on her face, her father had passed. We went to the funeral and all that, bought a black and white horizontally wide stripped dress with black oxford shoes to wear from Kohls, and I remember being there in that same church my mother grew up going to with her four brothers "going through the experience" and not having much to feel. Didn't know how to feel. As we handed her over to the female vet care I rubbed her head and said, "It's going to be okay Snowball"...as if she could "hear" me talking to her. We handed the leash over to the woman ready to let her go. She led my dog around the corner, then I started welling up and it all came over me. I couldn't do it. Not yet. We asked the woman to bring her back and she walked back, just casually not knowing what was going on, just like any other day. I got down on my knees and I embraced my dog, held her like I was hugging her because that's what I needed to do...It was my way of saying I love you, goodbye for now. It was like she knew And I'm proud to have done that because it would've stayed with me for all these years after. Her hair was stuck all over my over-sized Polo hoodie I've had since middle school. I didn't want to wash it- it still smelled like her. We received a special letter in the mail during the week of Christmas addressed from the Animal clinic- it was blue paper with the sweetest poem pretty much just saying she is in a better place and we'll see each other again. At the bottom were her two paw prints. It was so touching and I felt peace. Truly did. She was not suffering anymore and her soul was free. After feeling my head for the usual thickness of hair and realizing I felt more of the sculpture of my head the reality sunk in that most of it was on the floor. Before cutting the hairdresser gave me a relaxer (which never happened again when I tried to grow it out and have it cut again)

These Jobs Are Looking For What?!!?

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Sat, 5 Apr 2014 00:59:00 -0400

Good evening Kool World.
Need to share this. Is there anyone else out here who thinks these part-time jobs are expecting TOO MUCH from candidates to join their 'team' and work for them?!??
It has become increasingly ( and my opinion only ) STUPID the run-around and lagging-on for the interview, the follow-up, and the offer itself!
Recently I applied for a job that was perfect for it's location. Went through the process: application online, resume, call-initiative (introduced myself to the manager/hiring mgr to tell her that I was interested in the position and completed the application and resume on Indeed.com), received a call from the hiring mgr to schedule interview day & time, spent an hour with the general manager who was also female for over an hour on a Sunday, basically told I fit exactly what they were looking for (I came prepared, had the expertise, and I'm hired for the position), expect to receive a call Friday while she coveres other information: background check etc. & I'm assuming references (and this is the kicker) and after she interviews other candidates. But of course I had nothing to worry about, because more than likely I would be offered the position.
During interviews not only am I being asked the tough questions, I do the same right back! From research online, there are questions you can ask the manager since you're going to be working under them or with them. In your search engine try 'QUESTIONS TO ASK DURING AN INTERVIEW'. About.com has Questions asked during job interviews and the answers you can adjust to your understanding for the job you're applying for.
I'm waiting anxiously for Friday but know that in retail the interviewer never offers a job or calls back when he/she says they will. And I was right. I call back Tuesday because Mondays are the days no one likes, chances of her being there are slim since Store Managers usually are getting prepared for the week and busy, or just plain not there. Reached her on Tuesday and was given the excuse of how busy it was in the store over the weekend, more than what they expected, she had to catch up with the interviews she had done, and apologized for not being on top of things but will let me know what to expect in the next couple of days, so call back then. I had no reason to think otherwise of what was happening. Her voice was all chipper and up-beat and 'cordial' -all the perfect makings of retail persona. So this is what happened...The following morning as I'm online I happen to check my mailbox and see a message from the company. I had applied at two different companies but they were under the same parent corporation. My mind impulsively assumes the 'you have not been selected for the position for this job' was for the other job I had applied for. Then something struck me and I re-read the message, paying close attention to the subject line. Not what I thought, it came from the company I very least expected. Wasn't I just on the phone with the store manager the other day and she said to contact her in the next couple days?!!? Yes.
With my mother being in retail she tells me don't think nothing of it, I've received those generic letters all the time, it doesn't mean anything. They're sent out automatically after so much time has passed. There's nothing that can be done about it. But still I couldn't help to wonder Why? and What the hell is going on? I just had an interview - why would an e-mail like that not be stopped from being sent to my mailbox? It's misleading and quite frankly f*cked up. I decided to give her a call the next day to be clear on what was going on, hoping it was an error and nothing to worry about.
You want to talk about played, bamboozled, mis-lead, lead-on, lied to, cheated, and set up for failure and false sense of hope! Tell me why with the most calm and courteous tone I could muster the answer I receive from this shady low-down individual is 'That's right, you have not been offered the position'. After waiting around, stalling, and believing there was a possibility, even from her lying false mouth that's all I receive as the end result. Did she not say, I am a direct person, I know what I like and what will work, and more than likely I'm hiring you for this position because I believe you will make a good fit. She gave her word up-front and center (and it meant NOTHING).
So I let her have it! But first I needed to know What did I not show that was not a 'good' fit since you (I addressed her) told me I would be offered the position, was what they were looking for, and had the expertise (her words). She tries to give the ole' spill -the truth is you were our runner up but after going through the interviewers we found that would better suit/fit our team for what we're looking for at this time. I'm even more purplexed, puzzled, whatever the hell you want to call it because it was two-sided, contradictory, & absolute backwards nonsense.
Why worry at this point what I'll say? I didn't get offered the job. So I threw it all back in her direction exactly that.
IT WAS A LET-DOWN, DISSAPOINTMENT, AND DISCOURAGMENT AFTER SPENDING AN HOUR TALKING AND GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER, BEING CONSOLED THAT I HAD THE JOB, AND JUST NEEDED TO WAIT FOR THE CALL. I BELIEVED IT WAS FOR THE NEXT STEP IN THE PROCESS, NOT TO RECEIVE A GENERIC MESSAGE THAT I DIDN'T GET THE POSITION AS IF I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE TO MY NAME, SOME RANDOM PERSON WITH NO EXPERIENCE. I EXPECTED A PHONE CALL FROM YOU, NOT THAT. I CALLED BECAUSE I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT.
YOU SAID YOURSELF THAT YOU'RE DIRECT AND KNOW WHAT YOU WANT WHEN YOU SEE IT AND THAT'S WHAT I BELIEVED- WHAT YOU SAID. I'M ALSO DIRECT AND MEANT HOW MUCH I RESPECTED THE COMPANY AND WHAT IT STOOD FOR. I MEANT WHAT I SAID WHEN I WANTED TO WORK HERE. I LET A POTENTIAL JOB INTERVIEW GO BECAUSE I RELIED ON WHAT YOU DIRECTLY SAID TO ME BECAUSE YOU SOUNDED SINCERE...
And of course her reply was to defend herself. All that I didn't give a damn to hear... 'You Need to Understand 2x and it just fell on deaf ears! I can't remember anything else because her saying that shut me completely down. What I understand is everything I was told was a waste of my time and I'm presently without a job. At that point I wanted to curse her out, YOU'RE GOING BACK ON YOUR WORD AND NOT OFFERING ME THE JOB and you're telling me I NEED TO UNDERSTAND. Kiss my ass. That's all I felt. What annoys me is the competitiveness of these fly-by-night, simple, highschooler retailers out here trying to create the 'SUPER' Team to reach and exceed sales goals every day. If the location is suffering there's something wrong with what's going on inside the store (with management) and/or the traffic is sparse. No super team will make a difference. Not sure what is being saved AND now it's no concern of mine. There was no mention of 'commission' and that changes the dynamic in my opinion.
So just to note to myself I inquire 'What are the chances of any positions opening up?' We're probably not going to be needing anyone else right now. You can apply again in the summer for any openings. Just the typical 'I-don't care' snootiness that is prominent where I live.
She ends the call with a rehearsed perked-up 'Your application will still be on file for the next 60 days and you have the opportunity to apply for other job openings'... blah blah blah in that sickingly annoying chipper, fake-ass, retail perfect voice that now sounds just as phony and two-faced as she is. I was like, yea, ok, hung up on her ass.
Now I'm back at square one. More determined & sharper than before.

Laws of Attraction- Monagomy or Hit It And Quit It

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Fri, 14 Mar 2014 02:13:00 -0400

It's a rather complicated thing -Liking someone. It's easy for it to happen but the act of liking can be tricky since there's more involved than just being fascinated or turned on. Have you ever met someone and after talking to them or seeing them engage with others you were instantly smitten? We can relate to this and it happens ALL the time. As humans we have a need to bond. It would be so much easier & better if we liked someone and they equally showed similar interest. As we wake up from our fantasies we realize it's not that simple and quite unrealistic & unsatisfactory. It comes as a challenge and it must be earned.
So let me explain the earning part. If you've ever argued with someone and it felt like you were talking to a wall then this sums up the point. It is nearly impossible to be into someone without him/her feeling the same way because it hurts. I see this all the time in "going nowhere" relationships with us 20-30+ year olds. If I'm the only female on this green earth that says it I'm going to be the one to say, "If the guy doesn't like you he's not going to pursue you. If the chick doesn't like you she's not going to show any interest." It is truly and unfathomably that simple. We complicate things because we over-think all the time about everything. Trust me, life would be just as interesting and amazing if you just take things at face value. There is a difference between enjoying life and misinterpreting "drama" as having a good time.

For two people to like each other they find something in common or of interest in the other that draws them together. When it's the opposite it is like Looney Tune's notorious skunk Pepe Le Pew and his reluctant apple of his eye, kitty Penelope Pussycat. Someone is literally chasing the other and it becomes a terrifying ordeal as the other tries to get as far away as possible -running for the hills. You can't just go after your crush, infatuation, or love-interest with the delusion you're going to get what you want. Unless you're shadowed by your own desire, you must earn their interest!

Watching Millionaire Matchmaker

I actually understand why it’s important for women to be smart about who they open their legs for. There are men out in this world who are perfectly ‘fine’ with sleeping with woman after woman, one after the other, and never commit to any. Generalizing I look at these types of men as irresponsible, ‘douche’ bags, who are not capable of going to the next step in their manhood. Then I think about it again and realize there are men in the world who are not made to be husbands and fathers, which is unfortunate. God created us all to need each other and to bond. But they truly just like the accessibility. Why it is important for women to not fall for their charms and bullshit is so she doesn’t ruin her life supposedly by getting pregnant by this type of man. She won’t have to worry excessively about him walking out and leaving her to raise the child on her own. Men like these are afraid and cowar from commitment for whatever reason. They will never claim monogamy.

If a woman doesn’t receive the commitment of monogamy from a man then he is not ‘marriage’ material. Marriage takes 2. If a man never says it or claims her as his priority anything that happens falls on her. People of today act as though this is ‘ancient’ and not modern, but I would like someone to explain why modern would mean women believing a man loves them and the minute there’s a difference in opinion or disagreement he bounces?!? Or why it’s the smart option to just ‘sleep around’ until the right one comes along –the Cinderella with the glass slipper syndrome or the Goldilocks and the Three Bears syndrome. By the time the right one comes along emotions have been pushed to the highest they can go- mistrust, dishonesty, bitterness, rebounding, and judgment that any hope of giving the RIGHT ONE a chance is nearly impossible. Then he/she has to worry about getting themselves ‘therapy’ for all the shit they went through or put themselves through because they did it completely wrong. Seems like the common issue these days.

No one is capable of loving or giving of themselves to another. There’s compromise and sacrifice that comes with loving someone else and sharing your life with them. When it’s all for the right reasons it doesn’t feel like you’re ‘giving up’ anything because both people are working together as one. I still believe in love and compatibility. Too many of us are meeting our complete opposites and incompatibles and believing it is ‘LOVE’ when it’s just our competitive sides wanting to ‘win the fight’. Conquering the opposing force, and it’s just fucking stupid. It’s not a video game where you can turn the power off and put the controller away. It’s real life with REAL consequences that can affect the rest of your life with court, money, and children. I see this ALL the time.

We have this need to defeat the odds and prove the wrong right. Sometimes, it is opposing because it’s not meant to be. What comes to mind also are age gaps like 10-15 years in between, 18 years old and a 20 something year old. If two people come together and like each other, that’s their choice. They know what they’re getting themselves into. But it stays there unless proven otherwise. The minute it becomes serious will determine if the romp, tryst, liaison will last or continue. Once reality hits you realize, you need to stop ‘kidding’ yourself. What did you expect?!? What comes with age is perspective, priority, responsibility, and vision towards life that is not considered so strongly at a younger age. The older you get the more you realize the clock is ticking and how much time you have left. It’s always fun to do something unconventional and naughty for the looks it gives or the bad-ness it makes you feel, but at the end of the day the dream will end and you wake up. Life tells you that you got important things you need to do or your ass will be homeless, unemployed, and wondering what to do next.

FLEETING YOUTHFUL YEARS -From Work to Life

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Fri, 14 Mar 2014 00:45:00 -0400

Adulthood...already?!?
Where did time go, or in my case where did my time go???
Today triggered these thoughts after a job interview for another part-time position (to make ends meet since the past few were not secure in longevity). I know my age, even more so that I'm still job hunting with the same position in mind -part-time. It may be questionable to these interviewers why someone who is on the brink of turning thirty, not in a higher position or seeking more than a position that high schoolers run after for chunk change (with the security of mommy and daddy taking care of them at home, oh those were the days!) I guess in the back of my mind I'm hoping for my life to change so a window of hope or "never-may come" hope opens to blow me out with the wind to wonderful possibilities. It could just be unreasonable optimism -perhaps it is. But to avoid sounding too woe as me and broken-down I continue to maintain a sense of hope for my future I'm still quite uncertain and honestly lost in.

What I've come to find, despite how redundant the process of retail interviews or job interviews are in general, is that I may be an adult now and almost thirty but I'm still trying to find balance in my life and comfort in myself. I've come so far from where I used to be, but the battle of maintaining the confidence is much harder when there are constant reminders of how others are perceiving you -family maybe even friends and those you must interact with outside of your home for one reason or another. It shouldn't matter at all what the next-door neighbor thinks or a random stranger in public (who you may never see again) but I'll share what makes these unimportant people 'matter' and it's not what you expect. When there are voices in your ears influencing every move and decision you make in life making you feel at a loss you can't help but to internalize "what the world thinks of me". I honestly don't want to spend my days caring because what I hold myself to: Giving back to humanity, showing the best sides of myself, finding my own happy and living that every moment given, contentment with myself, associating with people who lift me up and help me to grow matters more to me than measuring up to everyone's ideal of what they want me to be. I'm not a robot or a programmed device. Tell that to the voices or voice that is always speaking in my ear.

Personality, we all have one -my mom says. Only I know my past, my hurts, pains, and experiences. Perhaps the people I've experienced them with may know, but I'm not concerned on their memory because more than likely it hasn't hurt them as much as it has affected me. I've thought I knew my personality (as of late) and from the interview today it has made me question and take a second look. What I see myself to be or want to be because it's 'perfect and right' is not what the world sees me. The interactions and experiences I've had with the world has been less than pleasant. For every good interaction it was highly praised and gratifying. I sensed it and felt the need to be more 'giving, caring, etc.' and in return it has served as a 'weakness' for people to take advantage, use, and take me for granted. Can't win for losing. There's almost a fear tinged with being too open, friendly, and welcoming out here in society. There's always the wrong people stepping into the light with their false appearances to show you exactly why exposing too much of yourself is a bad idea. If there's any lesson I've learned it is to protect what's private and personal, show kindness and decency, and try to be as positive in all situations as you can. There's no good in opening up entirely because for every good person there is a bad, looking for an opportunity to cause trouble, pain, and ruin someone's life.

How it all came up was with a question the Interviewer asked. I'm believing the answer I'm giving was what she was looking for but instead was thrown suddenly completely off my rocker. It makes me nervous and turns my mind from glass half-full to half-empty for any hope of being offered the position. If there's one thing I've encountered it is the turn-off from the hiring manager for not receiving the answer to their question they were looking for. It threw me off so much I needed to inquire deeper to figure out exactly what she 'wanted' me to say...it fired me up. I wanted so much to say it's not that I'm avoiding the question or disregarding it. It is honestly just your discontent for not receiving the response the way you exactly wanted! There is really nothing that can be done about it and it's quite unfair.

It's amazing how the original question I can't remember but the revised I can. In summary she says, Let me redirect you back to the question, because you went off it. Let me start over because you may not be understanding the question, you're missing what I'm asking you. What motivates you to come to work everyday? Do you enjoy the environment, teamwork, engaging with customers..etc?!??
The clarity dawned on me that if I didn't make sure she understood that of course I have interests in the activities and things I attribute my time and effort -she would turn me down and it would've been a waste of time. I felt like I was spilling my guts with any and everything that popped in my head to satisfy her almost to the point where umm and ya know became the lingering last words to a few sentences. Interviews can rattle your brain but I didn't expect it to be that discouraging and challenging.

I tried. That's all that can be said...just wish I felt more sure than what I went into the interview thinking.
But don't think she got away with it. I put her 'through the ringer' as she said she did to me, and let her have it with my direct and off-beat questions. Totally different reversing roles because what I learned to be negative -talking too long was not a problem for her. Would it matter in this case? She has a paying job and I'm trying to get a job. She can actually do whatever she wants that's why it's a vulnerable place to be in. It turns me back to 'Personality' and what it means to 'have one'. She had me perplexed even more when she said 'she could see some of it there somewhere' and that she was trying to 'pull it out more'. I've never had anyone intentionally try to figure me out or dig to do it. There was one major compliment that came out of it all and it was how professional and prepared I was. It wasn't what she was used to seeing and with the expertise I have (how long I've worked in retail) it shows. And I wonder what difference it would've made if I never laughed...I can only imagine how much that would've been held against me. Truth is every manager is different and looks for specifics in potential associates. To hold against me that I didn't show enough personality would be a terrible discredit to me when interviews are meant to be taken seriously and not a giggly gab fest.

Here I am. Thinking back to my earlier days (because I still consider myself young) wondering where did they go. Reflecting back there were many times I was asked, Will you be ok? At the time I didn't see the big deal and wanted to be treated as though I could handle my situation, had it all under control. Rely on me as responsible and mature. Don't worry about me. Don't worry about me being alone. I wish it never happened. If I could take it back I would. In the long run it actually did affect me...and not for the better. It's not that I didn't have a childhood. Thank God I had anything remotely close to one! It just seems that my memory returns to the lonelier points as a child growing up rather than the happier moments. I think what happened was I was made to think in advance for my age and was ahead of those in my age group. Already experiencing troublesome emotional challenges that a child shouldn't have to deal with. It made it hard for anyone to relate because it made no sense to them. There was a point where I knew my existence was the only thing that was alive but not me. For years there was blame towards the ones who provided me shelter, food, clothing, and medical/health needs. It seemed like the sensible thing to do since I felt like I was missing something. I've learned that I did. Did anyone care about the girl living with her mom and dad -shy, quiet, reserved, detached?!!? More than compassion and concern the response I received mostly from the outside world was detest and criticism. It's like I was put on this earth to be treated tough and hard. There were so many days left unattended (emotionally and mentally) to myself, in my mind space, in my room, in a life I was living but didn't feel connected to. Each day came and went.

Maybe that's what the world saw, my anger, loneliness, pain... I was the easy target of any predator so there must've been an angel by my side that kept me from danger. Let's just say that now actually being 'expected' to be an adult is not as special and rewarding. It reminds me of the past and not having the complete unconcerned innocence of not being so maturely adult. It almost feels as though I didn't grow up and I'm still there at a younger age 'thinking I'm responsible, relied upon, confident, and certain' like an adult. Somewhere between there the gap was large and it lost me. No one checked in to make sure I was mentally maturing and developing well. It was all left up to 'chance and luck' I suppose. That's another story.

Julie 'JV' Stanley: Author, Poet, & Editor Paving Her Own Way With Literary Verbose

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Mon, 20 Jan 2014 18:15:00 -0500

Welcome Kool World into the New Year 2014! We're returning back to RPRAI's Artists On The Come Up Series with the Latest Edition on respected Author & Poet (with a myriad of more to discover!) JV Stanley. For anyone who is reading our Artist Feature for the first time, having an actual writer is imperative to focus a spotlight on since 'writing' is a vehicle for many of us to express our full thoughts. Artistry allows us to have a voice through creative expression and just like art, it can be perceived 'one-sided' depending on how it is viewed. Therefore our purpose is to break the mold and enrich minds. In our meaningful and candid girl talk together we unearth the makings of the day-to-day life of your every-day writer: As a wife and mother in the balancing act of meeting needs & obligations of her family while finding time for herself, the challenges of staying committed to this "unconventional job" and never giving up on herself, describing how her work speaks to her through her voice AND as it speaks back to us, adding on the simple joys of life like her children, canning/jamming, 'walking across waterfalls' and lastly the challenge that every writer and artist faces: Rejection and set-backs while finding the faith and inner-strength to never give up. Stanley revels in the thought that her time is coming and she has no intention of giving up now when she has come so far especially with motivation ringing in her ears of her biggest supporter & influencer, her father - "Do what you love, the money will come later". The BEST advice to receive from someone you love in a field that doesn't hurt to have as much backing and support as possible. Spend a moment of your time and become immersed in the poeticism and introspectively captivating philosophical story-telling of Ms. Stanley. You'll feel as though you've known her all your life as our next 'ARTIST ON THE RISE'.

Hi Julie, it's pleasure engaging with you!

The first time we really talked was a few weeks ago and from what I know so far about you and reading your work you are a respected poet and author.
I had the opportunity to read your poem
"The Mortician of Inevitable Immortality" and
it really caught my eye. I knew I had to meet you after reading it because the content was good and worthwhile to read!

We must start where it all began to get the ball rolling of course! ;)

Where and when were you born?

I was born and raised in Lower Michigan on the twenty-sixth day of October in the year of our Lord, nineteen hundred and eighty at old-o-clock. (laughs) I realize I’m not that old, but sometimes I feel old.
Ah the nasty 30's! You're only 4 years older than me, and I refuse to feel "old" lol. If I'm keeping it young and sexy then you must as well JV ;)

Where do you currently reside?

During my senior year in high school, I immigrated to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan where I morphed from city girl to country girl. I ended up graduating up here and fell in love with the area. My mom and stepfather moved and I decided to stick around. I used to work as a dealer at the casino in Baraga and I remember a number of times before I’d go to work, I’d walk on waterfalls. Yes, you heard me correctly.
Adventurer! I was like huh?!? Did she really say "waterfalls". The bible mentions Jesus Christ turning water to wine and walking on water, so I guess you're the modern-day version The Waterfall Walker, wow. Perhaps you can add to this unique skill you possess with explaining how you're actually walking across waterfalls. If there's a bridge involved then you aint that great lol.
My favorite pastime is walking on waterfalls. Immediately following said adventure, I’d mosey on into work with my pant legs soaked to the knees and no one was the wiser.

How many people can do that before work? The Upper Peninsula is gorgeous, albeit, brutally frigid during the winter months. It’s a bit of a common joke up here that we only have two seasons: winter and construction.
Without a doubt, who can literally say before work they walk on waterfalls lol. An adrenaline rush to say the least! Before work I'm usually running behind with time not being my best friend.

I live about forty-five minutes to an hour west of Marquette. Michiganders have a tendency of calculating distance by how long it takes to get to one’s destination. The Upper Peninsula is its own little world-tranquil, serene, almost like living in a completely different country. Those born in the U.P. call themselves ‘Yoopers’ and have delicately nicknamed those residing under the bridge…yes, you guessed it. Trolls. I’ve lived up here since 1999, so at this point I consider myself more of a ‘Trooper’ than a ‘Transplant’.

You may already be waiting for me to make a "wise-crack" on this -Yooper & Troll (even though they can't be avoided for laughs). Wish I knew names for the area where I live but all I can think of is "bubble-town" and entitled littletons lol.

Tell us about your childhood growing up.
Was it average, hard, special, unusual, or different?

If there’s anything that sets you a part from others share it too! Were you playing with Barbie and having tea parties or were you the tomboy who enjoyed just rough and tumble stuff?

I came from a broken, dysfunctional home. I think that is what initiated my love of writing. I kept a journal since 1989 and found that my prose was therapeutic. It allowed me to reflect upon my life and gather insight into what I was feeling and why. It later developed into poetry. A few of my friends in middle school started writing poetry and I found that I appreciated the unique art form. It was then when I began writing my own. In 8th grade, I had my first poem published which subsequently won an award. From there, I continued writing poetry and prose.

Now here's something I can definitely relate to! Writing did the same for me in my life but instead of finding my inner voice through poetry, fine art became my subconcious outlet for what I was feeling. I can still hear my teacher of four years in high school tell me to relax and not be so heavy-handed. lol.

During the summers of my youth, I would go fishing, hiking, and participate in a myriad of other outdoor activities. My stepfather fostered my love for the outdoors, including walking on waterfalls! When I wasn’t off on an adventure of some sort, I would be in my room reading and writing to music.

Beneficial mix to have the creative mind flow of being outdoors and to come back inside to release it out. Reading was big for me too! Did you have any genres or Artists in mind (at that age) that inspired your music writing style?

I didn’t have a strong relationship with my biological father until I was in my early twenties, despite the fact that I saw him once a week during his visitation during my youth. This was entirely due to the very strained and hostile way my mother portrayed him. It was later when I realized that I was a victim of parental alienation, which attenuated my connection to him while I was growing up. When I finally realized that my mother had manipulated me against my father, I was able to connect with my father in a way that I never dreamed possible. He fostered within me a reflective, more philosophically reserved way of approaching my problems and provided an attentive ear. I attribute my outlook on life as well as my ethics and personal philosophies to my father. His guidance and understanding through my adult years have proved immeasurable. I cannot go a few days without talking to him.

As for my mother, we have been estranged for the past three years and I would like to continue to maintain that distance.
The physical and psychological damage that I had endured in my youth has affected the way I perceive relationships. However, instead of succumbing to the troublesome nature of abuse, I find it an invaluable facet in how I perceive life and the relationships I have with other individuals. Instead of allowing it to define me, I use it as a source of strength by which I can overcome and empathize with others. Instead of allowing it to weaken me, I’ve used it as a way to strengthen my resolve (as well as inspire me).

omg how awful...

Again I can relate on this-more so on an emotional level. Your response to it is nonetheless similar as well :) You're a brilliant mind JV and it may have much to do with how you've managed to turn circumstances around for the better.

Our past does not make us who we are; abusing others is a conscious choice that we make due to either ignorance or laziness to learn the difference between right and wrong. There are far too many people who abuse others and blame it on the fact that they too, were abused. Instead of seeking out the help, therapy, or venues that various programs have to offer to assist in our own personal growth and development after enduring abuse, we resort to what we already know or assume. This is why the cycle of abuse continues-people lack the capacity to fix themselves despite that they recognize the warped ethics that they grew up with.

I couldn't agree more...
Wow it's amazing how much we have in common with views. With your wisdom/understanding you could also go into psychiatry/sociology. If many of us could channel into this form of thinking we would probably live healthier lives.

I model my parenting style to that of my father, who, while I was growing up, allowed me to live life to the fullest. From taking me to the circus every year, monster truck rallies, and even catering to my love of the arts by taking me to the Detroit Institute of Arts on regular occasions; he broadened my horizons in ways that have affected how I parent my own children. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful my father is and has been and I can only hope to live up to him. Between my father’s influence as well as my grandmother Zell’s influence, I am who I am today because of their love and because my father never gave up on me, regardless of the hostility and abuse that had hindered our relationship in my youth.

Taking a trip down memory lane, as a kid what did you want to be when you grew up?

Choir was one of the most influential classes I had in high school. I was in choir from freshman through senior year. At first, I wanted to be a singer and had the option to attend Central Michigan University through the recommendation from the university professor who attended one of my solo performances. As my writing developed, I started receiving recognition, and found a home within the literary community.
Again we share something in common! Are you my soul sister or what?!? ha. I was too fearful, unlike you who had the courage and recognition of your ability with pursuance from your mentor. It must be great to know where you can take your skill-sets in case one slows down or you want to do something different.

As a writer and poet myself, I find it easy to write and convey my thoughts from making it a habit since 11/12 years old. When did it all began and how did this become your career focus and claim to fame?

As a result of my disjointed childhood, I began conveying my thoughts within a journal. It was 1989 and I believe I was either in third or fourth grade. I wasn’t the popular girl in school (GEEK), so I usually buried myself in make-believe and daydreaming. Once I hit high school, my journals depicted elements of imagery, symbolism as I tried to hide what I was really feeling or relate it in some way in metaphor. Most of my earlier works are so esoteric that many individuals complemented me on the form, structure, and beauty of the images, but didn’t quite understand the intent. Back then I was grateful because I hid a lot of my emotion within it. To have someone decipher its meaning would probably result in my embarrassment or leave me feeling uncomfortably vulnerable.
Growing up makes it hard, in my opinion, as a writer because you're trying to make sense of what you're feeling and how to put words to what you see happening around you. I think it's with growth and maturity when we can accept our lives for what they really are and not be ashamed of our experiences -we can't feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. It makes us who we are and others appreciate the honesty because perhaps they went through similar and never had a way of expressing it. It's liberating for everyone.

I wrote my first short story in my high school creative writing class. I enjoyed the ability to paint that cinematic picture within the mind so much that I not only took the class again, but also begged a few of my classmates to do their homework for them. Aside from the journal entries we would write during class, I began writing similar pieces in my own journal. I would turn on Enya, Loreena McKennett, Deep Forest, among other assorted artists and write to my heart’s content. I’d write mostly prose during that time and later I would whittle it down into poetry I’d later share with my friends. A few I submitted for publication and won a fair number of awards.
You were indulging the creative beast! There is a freedom with creative writing -no limitations or restrictions. But on the other hand there's something great about limitations because it forces a writer to dive deeper for creative outlet and possibly help them discover a side of themselves they never knew or paid attention to before.
Which contests or competitions were you submitting your entries for us out here who want to do the same?

Miracle Ezine is currently developing its second annual poetry competition; I plan on entering that one.

I’ve also submitted a short story of mine to Dream Quest One in their winter 2013-2014 competition. Submissions are currently closed on that one but it’s advisable to check back periodically. http://www.dreamquestone.com/rules/enter-now/

The Boston Review is also hosting a poetry competition that I plan to enter.
http://www.bostonreview.net/contests

Probably one of the greatest resources regarding the craft of writing is visiting Writer’s Digest. They often host competitions as well and can direct authors to various ones being held.

Another excellent resource is The Writer’s Market. That book has a whole chapter dedicated to various writing contests. It is advised that one should procure the most recent copy as the specific details for submissions are often updated. The competition includes ones for books, poetry, essays, as well as many others. Some offer publication and others offer a monetary prize. The Writer’s Market is like the Holy Grail of publishing resources.

I realize its off-topic but I have to suggest a few excellent books on writing and publishing that have helped me out tremendously throughout the years. I started studying the art of writing at a young age and a few of the books that influenced me the most are:

The Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr. and E. B. White

On Writing Well by William Zinsser

How To Get Happily Published by Judith Applebaum

Write Is a Verb: Sit Down, Start Writing, No Excuses by Bill O'Hanlon

Crossroads: Creative Writing in Four Genres by Diane Thiel

Literature Without Borders: International Literature in English For Student Writers by George R. Bozzini and Cynthia A. Leenerts

Also, I’ve been reading the Norton Anthologies since high school. I’d find older editions at used book stores and found that I really enjoyed the stories within them. These anthologies also included mini biographies and discussion questions pertaining to the story that encourage thought and analysis. In order to be a successful writer one must read. A lot. Reading for pleasure is a fantastic escape . However, when one stops and analyzes the writing that is when the story really comes alive. There are many other books I’ve read but these ones are my favorites!

In college, I enjoyed the same rewards of writing short stories. In 2006 after the birth of my first child, I decided it was about time to write my first novel. I wrote it between diaper changes, feedings, appointments, and the mundane domestic responsibilities I had to accomplish. By the end of 2007, I finally completed the first draft. During the interim, I studied all areas of the publishing industry and any book related to editing and writing. Two of my favorite books on writing are ‘Bird by Bird’ by Anne Lamott and ‘On Writing’ by William Zinsser. These texts offer a wealth of information and I believe are invaluable resources. I tried to send out the manuscript to agents and publishers to no avail. I received rejection upon rejection and eventually gave up.

I took a sabbatical from writing until my divorce. Sometimes at the end, you must go back to the beginning. My beginning is where I found solace. I felt more at home writing than I had in years during that tenuous and stressful time. I didn’t stop there, though. I went on to write a poem that has inspired an entire novel (I’m currently working on it, ‘Irony, Karma, And Fate Walk Into A Bar…”). I later learned about Kindle Direct Publishing and decided to dust off that old manuscript of mine and get it published myself. With the help of an author friend who advised me to modify the book in some areas to improve it, I went on to edit the book until it was ready for publication. I just had it published November 20th and it is currently available on Amazon.

So happy for the turn-around. I'm a sucker for happy endings :)

What genre or genres do you express yourself the most in? Why did you decide to go in this direction for your writing.?

I’ve always had an affinity for the macabre, Stephen King being my favorite author since I was a kid. I also gravitate toward personal and universal philosophies within my writing. I’ve learned quite a lot throughout the years and find myself reflecting upon life and the philosophies of others.

Where do you pull your inspiration from?

I daydream, a lot. I used to sit for hours when I was younger and daydream to music. I would sit and reflect upon things I should have said, things I should have done. I reflect upon the actions of others and contemplate the relative meaning behind them. I have a great advantage in my writing as I’m extremely empathic and particularly receptive to the emotions of the individuals who surround me. I think this particular quality of mine has had a strong influence in my writing. I tend to feel what other people feel. Some individuals are more projective with their emotions than others.
Like a more human approach. You connect with others on a profoundly more compassionate level, from being interpersonal with just having time to know yourself. There has to be a bigger role you are made for in this life with these qualities you have Julie :)

Some of my ideas hit like epiphanies, almost as though a cartoon light bulb suddenly flashes above my head. Once I have that spark of inspiration, I either jot it down in my idea journal or I begin writing in a frenzy.
Me too! And if you're like me you've used anything you could get your hands on like kitchen napkins, wrappers, plates, store receipts, and anything else that can be written on.

Is your subject matter primarily for adults or do you also write for young adults and children?

I’ve tried my hand at writing a fairy tale once. I’ve currently sent to another author friend for assistance in its completion. I primarily write for adults but perhaps someday I will gravitate toward young adult fiction. I will go wherever the winds of muse will carry me, I suppose.

There is a grave tone from reading, that I notice, about your style and energy. Does this tell readers about your personality or is it how you prefer to express yourself?

Through the course of my study in poetry, I’ve noticed similar attributes in other authors. When one thinks of poetry what often comes to mind are the more romantic pieces, like Shakespearian sonnets. There are a plethora of different emotions that are expressed in poetical form. Some of my work focuses on the fatalistic nature of my thinking due to unfortunate or enlightening events that I feel compelled to write about. More often times than not, the gravity of emotions are often serendipitous.

It is my belief that there is more to an individual than aesthetics, and by aesthetics I am not just referencing appearance. There is the individual that you see, the aspects that people choose to allow people to see, and then there is the depth within them. I imagine it as a cavern with multiple passages that lead to different areas of an individual but end within the heart. Upon first glance, I could be described as goofy and fun-loving, relaxed and laid-back. To those who know me well would describe me as deep, passionate, and intelligent. Depending upon the situation, I could be classified first as one or the other.

Does your family compose of writers, just like yourself, literary observers?

My older brother, Jerrid would read a lot. He was the first to introduce me to adult chapter books. The first series I ever read was the Xanth series by Piers Anthony that he handed down to me. I would sit curled up on the couch with my cat and do nothing but read in front of the window in my parent’s living room. From there, I was introduced to the Anne Rice novels and it snowballed from there. I was the black sheep of the family, honestly. Where my brothers went on to ‘real’ jobs, I was the one daydreaming and writing stories and poetry. I have a cousin who is also in the arts, Joe Wakefield, but his aim is Hollywood where mine is Random House or Simon and Schuster.

ANNE RICE

How did they feel about this being your job-focus, were they all for it or wanted a different path for you?

My mother wanted me to be a singer. My brothers admired my creative ability but thought I would be better suited with a degree and a ‘real’ job. My father just supported me and wanted me to do something that made me happy. “Do what you love, the money will come later.” is what he always told me. Doing what you love isn’t always simple and it’s far too easy to give up and move on. Life has so many opportunities within it and like other writers who struggle to follow their dream, they too understand that it takes work and dedication to succeed. Some do not find their success until later on in life, but I am a patient woman. I will not stop if I am unsuccessful with one novel. I plan to write many, many more in the years to come.
Wow, that is BIG! What your dad told you speaks mega-watt volumes. I believe what parents tell their children can either make or break their dreams -spoken and unspoken. Even your mom sees the bigger picture of the possibilities in music :) A 'real' job for you is following your heart & it takes real courage.

How challenging is it to be recognized and taken seriously for the type of job that you have?

Some individuals I’ve spoken with admire my dedication. I recently participated in a pistol tournament where I won third in the female division at the Sagola Township Sportsman’s Club. I chanced to meet a number of really interesting individuals from all walks of life. One woman approached me and asked what I did for a living. I told her that I was an author. “I’ve never met a published author before.” she said and shook my hand. I felt very flattered. She continued asking me about my work and I was very enthusiastic with my responses and she was eager to listen.

I’ve also had individuals who don’t take me seriously at all. I’ve heard the ‘You don’t have a real job’ and ‘Why don’t you go out and get a real paycheck?’ It’s disheartening, obviously, but even more so when I’m looked down on in certain circles. I have found that these individuals are under the misconception that wealth equates success. I am content in that my children are proud of me and share in the excitement that their mom is a published author following her dream. Their opinion far outweighs the opinion of those who belittle me for what I do.
It can also be challenging when it's a choice between having electricity or water running as well. When it gets down to the realness of basic necessity, money is either coming in to provide for yourself (and family) or it's not. When it's not then the whole 'get a job' nag is for the better good because at least it's understood as 'pay per hour' for a steady income. But if it's just to dictate how a person should live their life, it's not warranted.

You're also the developer and marketing director of MIRACLE EZINE, a literary magazine that helps to support creative writers and multicultural literature, which excited me a bit since I also refer to my work as an ezine in the making :) What inspired you to be involved with it?

The credit all goes to a wonderfully talented woman, Guntaj Arora. Almost a year ago, I was perusing different literary magazines I intended to submit my work to and I chanced upon this fledgling magazine. I submitted my poem, ‘Footprints’, which was accepted for publication and included in their third issue. When I saw that the ‘zine was looking for a Development and Marketing Director, I jumped at the opportunity. I’ve always had an appreciation of multicultural literature and this magazine perfectly displays the work in a magnificent format. I’ve always felt that multicultural literature is an essential element of understanding. There are far too many bias and fallacies derived from assumption and stereotyping. One of the greatest and rewarding ways to achieve understanding of the differences in cultures, is to read multicultural literature.

My job consists of sharing the magazine with the world and spreading the word of its publication. I am in charge of contacting bookstores, universities, and libraries requesting that they carry the magazine. I also assist in procuring other writers and encouraging them to submit their work. I do so by various channels, either by direct contact, development of leads, and disbursing contact information to various universities and writing groups.
I also write the book review column for the magazine and submit my poetry for publication periodically. The credit for this wonderful periodical does not go solely to me, but to the entire team of individuals who have made this magazine one of the greatest I could ever hope to work for. Guntaj has been a blessing and it has been an honor to work for her this past year.

Tell us what the pros and cons are with being the director of MIRACLE. By the way congrats on completing the first year of publication and having your first print edition!

Thank you so much! Having the magazine in print has been one of the major goals we have attained. I actually just received my copy of it and I couldn’t be happier with how it turned out. It is simply amazing and such an accomplishment. It’s been a struggle as with any creative endeavor, but I am so thankful for the drive and ambition that Guntaj has for this magazine. With the talented team of individuals she had selected to work on the magazine, we have seen steady growth and support. It is my sincere hope to see the magazine lining bookstands in the future.

Ok so I must share this with you Julie…I have an affinity for pens especially ball-point color pens. I love free-flowing ink, calligraphy pens, just writing in ink. How about you? Do you have that same giddiness with writing utensils?

My calligraphy skills are horrible, to be honest but I do admire the art. My grandfather, Paul Zell was an artist and I inherited his calligraphy pens but haven’t been brave enough to practice with them. I admire him greatly though he passed away before I got the chance to get to know him.

I unfortunately do not own a good pen set that I write with. Perhaps for Christmas, if Santa is feeling generous, I’ll get a set. I personally like pens with ink that flows smoothly and glides across the paper. I’ve had pens that I’ve had to dig into the paper until the words are practically embedded within the back cover.

There’s another I must share with you lol, there’s something about writing and the way words are written on paper. Can’t get enough, it’s just the way letters look and read on paper that is interesting to me. Do you share the same or something similar?
( It’s ok if not! Lol ).

I miss traditional correspondence a great deal. Corresponding through snail mail is so much more personal than email. I miss the days when I received a hand-written letter. The way an individual writes, their penmanship, handwriting tells a lot about them. I’ve kept all the letters my brother Jason wrote to me while he was in the Navy. Even cards and letters I received from my grandparents. An email can be copied and pasted, it can be backed up and saved forever, sure, but the way someone writes, their handwriting is irreplaceable. I kept a letter that my now fiancé wrote to me 12 years ago while he was in boot camp. He was amazed that I had kept it all this time but I didn’t have the heart to let it go.

I must admit the same. Computers have taken over everything to the point where a basic form of communication such as letter writing has disappeared. I've saved written documents in my memory boxes. Looking back on the years when they were written tells a story in itself because it was before we got carried away with the easy access of texting and emails. Someone's handwriting does give a personal meaning because we all have unique ways of doing it. You feel as though the person is right there with you or you're connecting with them personally -almost spiritually.

Handwritten correspondence is a lost art form. Correspondence has evolved into a cursory message that takes seconds to send and receive. Although the convenience is irrefutable, I think a lot of the soul is lost because of it. Individuals have resorted to texting as opposed to conversing, basking in the convenience as opposed to depth.

Funny thing, I was perusing Kickstarter trying to find ideas for presents for my kids and to help support fellow artists. A number of the gifts for donations for some of the projects included a hand-written letter of thanks. It actually made me a bit sad. A thank you note is quite a treasured gift, but these days some would overlook it as though the individual is being cheap. My father raised me with manners and encouraged me to write thank-you notes and show appreciation. Sadly though, there are a lot of people who overlook these lost traditions and neglect to show that appreciation. Either that or they believe the convenience of a Facebook post or email is sufficient enough.

Jonathan Swift

An author friend of mine, S. A. Mantell sent me a hand-written letter not too long ago. I was both amazed and surprised by her thoughtfulness. She is a beautifully rare soul, that one.
Value in the little things really matter in the end. What the world or society deems as "important" varies from person to person drastically. I don't know if we see where we're going honestly...
It just feels like humanity is drifting a part and before we know androids and robots will be speaking and acting for us. That's scary...with animals we know to go extinct we may eventually be following that trend as one of those animals. Or to go deep with this thought, become a lesser species, and another animal evolves and develops traits that we possess, resulting in domination over us. Anything is possible.

During Halloween last year I recall us talking about your first novel being published and released on the exact day. That idea fascinated me but did it work out for you?

If so, how well do you think it turned out?

I can't help but laugh a little. As hard as I tried, I couldn't get the edits finished in time for that particular date. At the time I was working on editing a manuscript for one of my clients. As far as I was concerned, her manuscript took precedence over mine. After I sent the manuscript back to her with the final edits, I took the opportunity (and the week-long break from classes and bouts of sickness) to edit my novel and make it fit for publication. I finally managed to get it up and out on November 20th, nearly a month after my expected deadline. I'm rather proud of how it turned out after I made the necessary changes.

You mentioned your next collection of poetry will have a philosophical meaning...

Are there any philosophers you admire and read their work? What do you like about these particular philosophers?

Although I do admire the works of familiar philosophers, such as Plato, Aristotle, and Socrates; Henry David Thoreau is one I admire the most. He focused more on natural observation and incorporated personal experience into his work. Tolstoy is also an influence, but his work is far beyond depressing. There are many

Henry David Thoreau

others who are considered ‘writers’ as opposed to ‘philosophers’. Voltaire’s Candide, is based on his political philosophy and I found peculiar. It is considered a satire, or comedy but I found that the underlying message and presentation dark but bore universal truths within it. Jonathan Swift’s work is also a great influence.

Most authors on some level display an amount of philosophy within their work. Whether it is universally depicted within the characters, plot, semantics, symbolism, or metaphor; the philosophies of the author shine through at least to some degree. I gravitate toward works that were at one point, controversial. I admire the strength and courage some classic authors and poets had for peeling away the skin of truth and baring the bold raw actuality of a topic, despite the collective reader’s opposition. It is amazing how at one point these philosophers and authors were at one point, ridiculed for what they wrote. As the years progressed and more individuals were educated, their work went on to be admired because they were brave enough to recognize and acknowledge truth, instead hiding behind ignorance.

Yes, their work teaches us how to believe in our own paths in life and to follow them no matter what. It may not be recognized at first but eventually others will see the greatness. It's not all the time that great people are seen but in step with their achievements they become iconic.

Just by us talking about your poetry led into another interesting fact, you're also an Artist with an interest in graphic art & painting. That too I have under my belt as well so we're coming from the same place. What type of painting and G.A. have you set your focus on?

I found a love of oil painting years ago. As I said before, my grandfather was an artist. When my father was moving, he collected all of my grandfather’s paints and supplies and passed them on to me. I have his easel, his drafting table, along with oil paints and brushes he used back in the late 60’s to early 70’s. I prefer to paint scenery pictures because I haven’t quite mastered portraits quite yet. I’m currently working on a mixed media piece. I’m incorporating one of my poems with steampunk embellishments. Hopefully I’ll have time this winter to complete it. I haven’t decided whether or not I will put it up for sale.

As for graphic art, again, I prefer natural scenes. Decades Review just recently accepted one of my pieces for publication in their January issue.

I'm a major foodie and noticed you have a love for canning and preserving. Name some of the things you love to preserve and/or a master at doing?

I learned how to can jelly when I was a kid. Admittedly, this is one of the fondest memories I have of my mom. During berry season on the weekends, from the early morning until well past dark, we would pick berries until our hands turned purple. We

Thimbleberries

would then go home with our bounty, rinse the berries and either refrigerate them until the morning, or freeze them until we had enough for a batch. After I bought my first home, I continued the tradition and mastered the fine art of making Thimbleberry jam. This particular jam at stores around here cost about $15.00 for a half pint jar.

This past year I finally invested in a pressure cooker because I wanted to start preserving meats and soups. Sometimes through the hustle and bustle of life, I don’t have the time to cook a nice homemade dinner. Instead, I thought I would make them ahead of time, can it, and cut out time spent in the kitchen on a busy day. I started looking up recipes on Pinterest and found a number of recipes I have fallen in love with. Spicy hot watermelon pickles are probably my favorite so far. I could eat those on anything. I’ve also made my daughter’s favorite, tomato soup. I’ve also tried my hand at making corned beef hash. This little Irish girl loves her corned beef hash but I’m not a fan of the price of each can at the store. It turned out a lot better than store bought, that’s for sure.

For Thanksgiving, I bought a 23-pound turkey. Since the flavor of the turkey gets a little gross if frozen for a while, I decided that I’d can the leftovers for future use. It preserves the flavor more and tenderizes the meat so if I end up botching the turkey, at least the leftovers will be tender lol.

What are some meals or deserts you love to make?

My fiancé is a fan of my home made brownies. I’m also known for my epic no-bake cookies and sour cream blueberry muffins.

When I was growing up, my brothers had fought over the title of who made the best apple pie. For the longest time my brother Jerrid was the reigning victor. That is, until I brought my walnut streusel apple pie to Thanksgiving dinner a few years back. I created my own apple pie spice, which gives it a unique flavor and thus I won the title. I don’t think either of my brothers bothered waiting until after dinner to delve into it either. They walked around with fork in hand and ate it straight from the tin and almost drew blood over the last piece.

Boasting rights for you Ms. Baker!

We’re living in superwoman times literally with all the roles women juggle in their lives while still maintaining a sense of self. You have your hands full as a mommy and wife. Where do you find time to make it possible to do the work you love and how are you able to manage the demands of keeping up with it?

I’ve been asked this a lot. “How do you do what you do? Where do you find the time?” Most of the time, sadly, I forego sleep in order to get a lot done. It’s kicked me right square in the behind on more than one occasion. My kids are gone every weekend to visit their dad, so while they are gone, I delve into my responsibilities as much as I can. My fiancé will sit next to me while I’m working and we’ll cuddle while I work. When I appear frazzled or overly stressed, he’ll force me to take a break to play Skyrim and unwind. Most of the time I get so engrossed in my responsibilities that I often forget to take time for myself.

My fiancé has been endlessly supportive of everything I do.

Even though writing is your passion and may consume much of your thought space what activities do you like to dive into when you’re not writing?

My fiancé got me into pistol competitions. The first one I participated in I won third in the women’s division. I would have won first had I used a .22, but I opted to use his 1911 instead.

Aside from that, I also play video games. I’m an RPG geek (role playing game). Skyrim has had my attention for the past year, but I only play it when my fiancé suggests that I play. Again, I need to be reminded to take a breather. I also like going on adventures with my kids, hiking, baking, art. I also try to volunteer at their school as often as I can. For Christmas I bought myself a program so I can start creating spoken word poetry tracks. I figured that could be something fun to do as well while I’m all snowed in.

Most of my time spent not writing, I’m editing manuscripts for clients. I started Writerz Block editing services around the same time I accepted the position of Marketing Director at Miracle E-zine. I found that I love editing as much as I love writing. I also love to teach, so as a different approach to standard editing firms, I offer classes tailored to the specific individual and their needs. When I edit a manuscript, I also note what I changed and why, allowing the author to either accept the changes or modify as they see fit. As a writer myself, I know the difficulties of the editing process.

That's very helpful and beneficial to give back to your peers & give knowledge to others. I'm sure you find complete fulfillment in giving back using your skills!

What work did you do before now? Did it lend itself as an opportunity to advance you to do what you’re doing now?

I worked as a freelance writer and editor at a few sites. I used to write articles for www.mycollegepal.com and then progressed to ESL editing for a content writing firm in Pakistan. Before that, I worked as a waitress. I loved that job too as I have an inherent desire to feed people.

ha! ha! right. Love that.

If you simply had to make a living with an alternative profession what other skills do you possess that could make it a simple transition? If you know what other jobs you would be good at share please!

I was an amazing waitress and I used to deal blackjack at a local casino. I would continue working with ESL writers or tutor as I have in the past. Until I earn my BA, there are unfortunately not many jobs in this area that I would be qualified for. I have been contemplating the potential of working at a university after I receive my degree and go on to earn my Masters. When I first started college, I was aiming toward a degree in elementary

education. After I transferred to Northern Michigan University, I changed my major to Art & Design and English. When I got pregnant in 2006, I had to quit college due to the fact that the classes I was taking at the time were studio classes and I would be around chemicals that could have potentially harmed my daughter. I started attending again in 2011 at the University of Phoenix online, this time for English and Communications. I will be earning my degree in June 2014 and shortly after I’ll be working toward my Masters.
Do you see yourself finishing your Art & Design courses at the same university?

From experience being a writer can at times be lonely with one’s own thoughts but it’s captivating because the mind is very active and it’s about expressing through an introspective form, maybe even outward. Can you explain what it’s like for you?

Sometimes I miss waitressing, conversing with the customers, and making them laugh. I loved making people smile. It’s not too bad with my fiancé around, he’s even started his own yarns and we take a break at times to talk about our work, what we’re doing, where we’re going with it, and our plans to finish. There are times though, when it gets really lonely. The kids would either be at school or at their dad’s, my fiancé would be either at work or drill for his weekend with the National Guard and I’d be alone. Admittedly, Facebook is pretty much my only social life, so although it may appear that I’m online constantly; I usually just have it running in the background. I’ll pop on for a minute or two while I either write papers for class, edit a manuscript for a client, write, or market for the magazine.

I’m always thinking about something; even while I’m driving I’ll be contemplating a new idea or something someone said. Sometimes I dwell upon topics that occasionally hinder or enlighten me. Mostly though, it’s an inner reflection and the best way I can express difficult emotions or circumstances.
I know all about it lol. Somehow my best ideas and creative flow floats into my mind when I'm washing dishes. Anytime we allow our minds to wander is when the greatest ideas come to us! Balancing them with reality helps with keeping them from becoming a burden.

How do you keep yourself motivated when ideas are not coming so clearly, regularly, and you experience writer’s block?

I just keep on writing. Even if what I’m writing seems nonsensical or disjointed trains of thought. The important part is just writing and continuing to write. If I feel stumped with one story line, I will begin another. I have poems that are half-finished, simple phrases that come to mind that I plan on developing later that I still haven’t gotten around to because of that loss of ‘inspiration’. Then there are times when I just sit back and enjoy the works of others; I read. Sometimes the news inspires a write. I have one poem that I wrote that was inspired by an article I read a while back on Huffpost. It was about this mother who ran across a dieting journal her six-year-old daughter wrote. The mother was concerned that her daughter was exhibiting signs of a potential eating disorder. Then I remembered when I used to do that. I used to catalogue everything that ever passed my lips. I wrote a very lengthy poem about my struggles with my body and image, my battle with anorexia when I was in my early twenties, along with the massive changes my body underwent once I got pregnant.

It is very brave to share your personal struggles and express it through your art form- writing. Anyone who reads our time togther will know they are not alone with whatever they are suffering with.
Huffpost is one of my favorites for news/education and it definitely gives individuals thought-worthy content to share their thoughts on.

Inspiration can be found anywhere and has the potential to be write-worthy. Just because a piece of writing isn’t meant for publication or you have no intent of having it published, doesn’t necessarily mean it shouldn’t be written. A love of the art of writing is far more important than monetary gains. You can tell when a writer is writing for the sole purpose of making money as opposed to the writer who does it because they love it. Much like any other 9-5 job, you can tell the difference between a worker who is there solely for a paycheck and the worker who does it and is glad to be there.

What has been the biggest compliment or critique you’ve received from followers and/or critics?

Truthfully? When I gave the raw manuscript of Faces In Still Waters to author David W. Moore III to review and tell me what he thought, I was more nervous than I had ever been in my life. The rejection letters I had received in the past had nothing upon

the anxiety I felt as he read it and I waited for his input. I have always been confident in my skills as a poet, but when it comes to novels, I was terrified. Did I suck? Should I be doing this? Is it stupid? So many questions and negativity ran through my head until I got his call that he was finished. “It has good bones” he said, and then proceed to tell me where I could improve the novel.

“Do I suck?” I asked, hesitantly.

“No, you don’t suck.” he responded. This coming from the author of “The Shroud” and two other captivating books of poetry. I would have to say that was the biggest complement I had ever received.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for him, my book would probably still remain buried within a folder on my desktop collecting dust bunny pets.
Just like the saying goes, You never know until you try ;) right.

Has it been fairly easy to develop a following or do you still consider it still growing?

I have a lot of people following my poetry but I will admit that my following is still growing when it comes to my fictional pieces. Reviews are an integral part of marketing and a lot of indie authors rely on them to procure more readers. If a book has no reviews, the reader doesn’t have a way to gauge whether or not a book is worthy enough to purchase.

I really cannot wait to receive my first review. Some authors take serious offense to a less-than-perfect review. I know that not everyone is going to love my book because every reader is different in their likes and dislikes. Books are like an all-you-can-eat buffet. There are some dishes you will always love, some you are willing to try, and then there are some that taste like roadkill. But to others the roadkill could be perceived as a delicacy that is savored; it’s entirely dependent upon the individual’s tastes. If I end up with a negative review, I should expect the reviewer to explain why so that I can improve future novels. Every experience, even negative experiences, should be taken as an opportunity to learn and grow.
Totally agree! I'm wondering though will you be able to personally handle reviewers/critiques that are left without a reason?

This is why I love my education in communications so much. If someone were to leave a critique without reason, whether negative or positive, I’ll just take it at face value. A lot of the sites that include book reviews such as Amazon have rating system that a lot of people misinterpret. If I were to receive a one star review, my feelings would be hurt, sure. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, though. I’m well aware that not everyone is going to enjoy reading my book for one reason or another. What’s ironic is that I just recently posted an article about reviews and critiques on my blog. There are a lot of authors out there who get offended with a four-star review. This particular article can be found at the following link: http://jvstanleywb.tumblr.com/post/73293795975/five-stars-of-death-the-misconception-of-book-reviews

In what ways do you engage with your audience and encourage more to be involved?

Sometimes I offer giveaways. I plan on doing so here shortly with an autographed copy of Faces In Still Waters. I’ve also asked questions about writing ups and downs and shared other authors that I believe in.

Do you have a lucky habit that you do before or during writing that means you’re on a “winning streak” or a firestorm of brainstorms, or helps you to stay on track?

Not really, honestly besides staying up all hours of the night until my vision blurs. I’ll set public goals for myself via Facebook status updates. This allows people to know that I’m off in my own little world of creativity and shouldn’t be bothered. Ironically, though, that’s when I get more messages and notifications.

First impressions mean everything but they can also be wrong at times. Have you experienced any situations where you were not given the benefit of the doubt or there was a misconception about who you are?

How did you correct the misunderstanding or turn it around ( if you felt the need to )?

Obviously I would try to apologize for any miscommunication on my part. I have had situations where I’ve had personality clashes and often times when that happens, I tend to apologize and bow out politely. If it’s a friend, we talk it over. With individuals I’m unfamiliar with, I approach the situation directly and this is where my long-winded tendencies take hold as I explain the situation. I’ve had to diffuse arguments and hostility due to misunderstandings between classmates on a number of occasions. Usually, when considering the other individual and their feelings, I can often times resolve the matter.

What is a day in the life of J.V. STANLEY.
(Finish the rest any way you want)…
“From the moment I wake up in the morning until the time I go to sleep I ….”

I wake up, get my kids their breakfast and get them ready for school. My daughter is in 2nd grade while my son is in the Headstart program, so he leaves a few hours after my daughter does. As soon as they’re gone, I begin my day by making some coffee, if I hadn’t already. I then start working on whatever project that is of utmost importance, either my own writing or editing a manuscript for a client and marketing for the ‘zine. I’ll take breaks periodically to clean or socialize on Facebook, retrieve my children from the bus, and then make dinner. I’ll spend a few hours with them before bed time and then start writing or working some more. At around eleven at night, I’ll start homework and work on that until 2 a.m. Sometimes by then, I will collapse into a heap or I’ll force myself to keep working. On the weekends, I work from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. If I have an appointment or have scheduled volunteer work for my kids’ school, I will work around that time. The commute to town is horrendous though. I live out in the middle of nowhere; about a good forty-five minute drive from the nearest civilization, pending weather conditions, of course.

Despite how busy I am, I always block out time for my family. Every moment I spend with them is precious to me.

Are there any countries you would like to visit or have visited?

I’ve been to Toronto, Canada once for my senior class trip. When I was married to my ex, we spent our honeymoon in London, England. I would love nothing more than to go back, but I would opt not to go during the Christmas holiday next time. Very nearly everything was closed but I still enjoyed my time spent there.
Oh yea overseas they don't play when it comes to their holidays! They understand the meaning of "break-time" even during the year.
I’ve always wanted to visit Scotland and Ireland. I was even contemplating whether or not my fiancé and I should get married in one of those countries.

What’s your favorite color(s)?

Purple and red.

What is one of your most favorite movies?

I have a number of those. The Saint, Shawshank Redemption, Troy, Star Wars trilogy (as in 4, 5, and 6 as opposed to the Jar-Jar Binks monstrosity), Lord of the Rings trilogy, Serenity…there are countless others.

Do you have any unusual talents that you can share with readers?

I could talk your ear off. Seriously, it will get up and walk away. Does sarcasm count as a talent?

I think it's hilarious that you constitute "unusual" humorously with basic communication overdone lol. Sarcasm is definitely your niche from our conversation. Why not? I mean come on, if it's used creatively how can it not be a "talent".

In all seriousness I can operate an assault rifle and the care and feeding thereof. I also do voices, as in cartoonish voices. I’ve creeped my friends out with my impression of Cartman (from South Park) and Gollum. My impression of a chicken is especially convincing. I had a boss that had me do my chicken impression whenever I saw her and she’d laugh and have me do it for her friends. I wasn’t sure if I should have been flattered or embarrassed.

I was singing Frank Sinatra's duet with Celine Dion..."All The Way "

I also sing. In Wal-Mart. At the top of my lungs. I’m patiently waiting for the day when I end up on ‘The People of Wal-Mart’ website. Christmas is my favorite time of year because that’s when I really belt ‘em out.
Wow, I'm speechless... lol

What keeps you driven and how do you define “success”?

I don’t measure success by the dollars lining my pocket, by the friends I have, the popularity or notoriety I have attained, or even the awards I’ve won. I measure success by the level of happiness I have. I measure the success of my life by the success of my children and their happiness. I also measure small successes like mini victories such as my ability to help others to achieve their goals overcoming an emotional problem.

What motto or saying guides you through your hardest or toughest times?

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.”

― William G.T. Shedd

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

― Plato

I also find myself quoting Dale Carnegie quite a bit as well.

Has writing changed anything about you?

It has allowed me insight into my own life. Sometimes as I write, I recognize aspects about me that wouldn’t have come to the forefront of my mind had I not sat down and written about it. It allows me to determine what emotion I am feeling, or what an underlying problem that needs resolving. It has also helped me understand a little better the motivations of others. I’ve found that I pay closer attention to the people around me and am more attuned to their feelings and mannerisms. This inevitably leads me toward an understanding of their intentions.

Personally what do you take away from doing what you love to do that is significant to you Ms. Stanley?

I would have to say I take away a greater understanding of myself as well as the people around me. Situations, conversations; sometimes we need to stop and really listen instead of just maintaining our sense of hearing.

With the power you have what do you aspire to change for the better ( about anything in life )?

I wanted people to read my writing and gain insight, perhaps into themselves or others. I want people to stop and really think about how my writing relates to them in life. I suppose I’ve studied enough literature to recognize and relate to some of the works by authors, while the average reader delves into a piece of work not just to learn, but to be entertained. I desire to share my knowledge, insight, and understanding within my work. If my writing influences or inspires just one person, I would be content in that.

If you can meet anyone in the world who is presently alive who would it be and why?

Authors: I would love to meet my author friends in person, notably Victoria Selene Skye Deme. She and I would have a blast.

Victoria Selene Skye Deme

As for mainstream authors, I’d love to meet Anne Lamott, Barry Eisler, and Stephen King.

L to R: Christopher Eccleston, Billie Piper, & Barry Eisler

If I could meet an actor, it would be Kate Winslet, Gary Oldman, and the cast of Firefly, including Joss Whedon so I can beg them to make a sequel to Serenity. I’m a Whovian, so I’d also love to meet David Tennant, Matt Smith, and Christopher Eccleston (he was an amazing Doctor). Billie Piper, too; I just love Rose!

Lastly how can readers keep up with the Latest & Greatest?

I can be found on my Facebook pages as well as my websites

The Writing of J. V. Stanley Official Website: http://jvstanley.weebly.com/

Official Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/JVStanley.editor.author.poet?fref=ts

Writerz Block editing service:
http://writerzblock007.wix.com/writerzblock

Writerz Block Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Writerz-Block/183631025056560?ref=ts&fref=ts&__rev=1024226

I'll Do What I Must To Get Where I Need To

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Thu, 16 Jan 2014 21:02:00 -0500

This came to my mind as I'm watching American Idol...

I noticed how the contestants I've seen who are in their late 20's, early 30's have the job position title with the word 'manager' in it.

And it got me thinking...

2 Questions for everyone, even those who fall in those age categories.

Do 20-30 year olds emphasize leadership? (at work, home, church, and all other facets of life)
If no, why do you feel they're lacking in leadership?

Are today's youth and young adults trying to reach success and reach the top by any means necessary? (like crabs in a barrel clawing at each other to reach the top)
If yes, why do you think they are using these measures to reach their goals?

Just Some Mad Ass Kids

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Wed, 15 Jan 2014 16:14:00 -0500

The way our parents grew up was different on how their parents raised them. The world was different. It was about “you don’t discuss this or that, you keep this to yourself, you don’t show this (express) yourself. They faced challenges and hardships that were extreme for their generation and time yet the world they once knew no longer exists. These kids who have grown up into parents are trying to raise their modern day children the way they were raised or lack thereof and it doesn’t 100% apply. Discipline is still discipline regardless and shouldn’t be skipped around, but I’m not talking about that. Kids have to learn a new set of skills on how to survive in the world they live in.

This is 2014, not 1950-something. I hear all the time about kids having “mental illness” which very much is possible with some of us. But I personally have talked to a few people who are in the same age bracket as me and we’ve all come to the conclusion that there is a gap in communication and understanding with us and our parents. We have been addressed by our loved ones as having “something wrong” with us when we openly and candidly spill our pains, sorrows, and frustrations with them. It’s dismissal and rejection that causes us to turn away believing maybe there is something wrong with us but more importantly we’re not received by those we care about in confidence and vulnerability. That leaves a scar that ones like us bear and continue to hold on to without any resolution.

I’m also looking on the other side of the coin to understand that perhaps it does take others who “get it” to support and connect with us because that’s the only way we’re going to be the best we can be in our lives-as mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, granddaughters and so forth. Maybe the generation gap is so large that it is impossible for our parents to be a source of help, hope, and security for us- it takes a little bit more. We may just have to help each other, instead of ripping each other a part YOLO-ing and middle finger up-ing each other. Turning our backs on each other and separating into our elitist groups of entitlement and superiority will be the death and destruction of the future of our children. The signs are there if we only pay attention to them and correct them while we still have time. If we’re not willing to do that then I guess we’re saying to hell with everyone including those we love.

It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks but it’s not too late to change the youth around us. Iyanla Vanzant speaks of “pathology” and how we continue a process of bad behaviors and hurtful tactics that we pass on to each other (potentially in our families). Ever since I learned of this term it is part of my dialog with discussing the perils of pain many of us continue to endure. If we don’t face our demons now then when will we? They will still be there affecting the lives of our (my generation) children and children’s children. There is a MAJOR difference between behavioral issues and mental illness issues even though both are so much alike. If we eliminate closeness, bonding, and affirmation from our daily communications with these kids and not discipline them properly when they are “acting up” and showing out then we’re creating uncontrollable, fearless, immoral monsters. I’m a firm believer that it starts at home. We need to do a trial and error there first to make a diagnosis from that standpoint. Instead I’m hearing left and right about a child presumed to be “mentally ill” for the way they drawn in, rage out -having these wild disorders developed from feeling alone, misunderstood, and unheard.

Also until we address Bullying as a source of destruction to the human spirit in this day and age we will never get a grasp on what’s really killing today’s children. Nobody wants to feel alone, especially with a hurtful secret. It’s toxic and as it stores in the mind of the afflicted it becomes an internal poison that breaks down the soul of the individual. Meaning they are a walking emotional breakdown! But because we live in a society where you’re deemed weird or odd for showing your emotions outwardly (even in 2014) something is potentially “wrong” with the individual when many of us have our own problems keeping our emotions within. It’s truly what needs to be focused on and it will take more than 1 or 2 people to do alone. It takes a whole body of people to change their way of thinking. However way we can make that possible it definitely needs to happen. To speak from the place of mistreatment, abuse, belittlement, ostracization,

What sparked this entry was Katie Couric’s talk show – 3pm today with its first segment on a young Caucasian boy whose parents didn’t know what to do with his emotional/behavioral issues and deemed him mentally ill (experts/themselves).

Lee Daniel's 'The Butler' Is America's Story- Through the intimately raw Life-story of a Black Butler

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Tue, 14 Jan 2014 19:00:00 -0500

Just had the opportunity to watch the first day release (Jan 14) on Red Box, The Butler with Forest Whitaker and Oprah. We made sure to get it before all rentals were unavailable. It is one of the BEST, soul-wrenching, life-joggling films I have ever seen. Not only does it tell the story of a black man who was a devoted Butler for 20+ years serving many presidents but it captures the world as it was in a time of racial indifference, hatred, violence, and the evolving movement of the US. Starting from his youth as a slave all the way throughout his life as a husband and father, the paths his sons took, the struggles of his wife (Oprah), and his own self-realizations from what he knew as a young man trying to find a way to survive and live in a world that rejected him to a well-lived man seeing the world change before his eyes and seeing the progressive results of the fight many blacks lived and died for so that one day we could see a man of color be our nation's president. It's a story that you will be engrossed in and once you're done you'll feel glad and proud to have seen it.

After watching and turning back to "normal" tv it was like coming out of a trance. I was back in reality again...and what do I witness on tv, the same ole bullshit we all see on an everyday basis, reality tv, drama, falseness, and delusion (because before poppin in the movie we were watching Bravo). And it made me think again how so much involved we are in our imaginations and stories we made up for our leisure entertainment. We may have forgotten about where this country has evolved from... We're still in a rough place but in no comparison to what our ancestors went through- all of us. It's not just black history it's all our history. Whether we were the opposers or the ones being opposed. Movies like this allow us to re-think many aspects of our lives: what we have, what we want, how we treat each other, how we feel about ourselves....understand the importance of humility and humbleness. It touched me; what I'm trying to say, and I wouldn't recommend a movie unless I felt it was important to pass along. I need to do my duty (as we all do) by letting others know about work of art that is mind-turning and valuable, not just because I'm black but because as an American citizen it affects all of us.

Rent or BUY The Butler on DVD. It is available today!

Doing Many Things And Completing Zip

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Mon, 30 Dec 2013 18:25:00 -0500

I don't know how effective "multi-tasking" is when it wears a person out in the end. Seems like the only accomplishment that has been made is the depletion of energy of the body and soul. Should we prove that we're capable of doing so many things at once or is it better to show we can do many things, just not at the same time? I would like to say that I work my best doing one thing at a time very well and if I want to and able, will add on more. Success feels more rewarding to me when I know what I can handle and knowing when I can do more. Depending on how I'm feeling for the day I may just want to focus on one thing instead of a dozen others. We seem to cram so much in at once and we wonder why we resent what initially gave us pleasure in the first place. Just saying, what are we rushing for to complete by many deadlines at a time?!? Americans we are overworked. Adapting a new way of managing work could do us good.

Perfectly Planned

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Tue, 26 Nov 2013 21:55:00 -0500

I just look at them and think, You have no idea…

For anyone who has speculated that the life of an “only child” is so spectacular and “perfect” you don’t have a clue. To directly put it, you don’t know anything about it. As a child everything was pre-made, done for me, any problem that arisen it was fixed. When you see life as an organized, readily made organic routine you don’t look to the future thinking everything will change. I hoped for change because unlike the presumed notion that all sibling-less kids are happy with everything they could possibly ask for it wasn’t enough. What child wouldn’t want to live in a home where they have both of their parents, a two-story home, three meals a day, a bed to sleep in, decent clothes to wear, (toys if younger) and nothing else to worry about??? Who wouldn’t want to be secure? It is in our nature to maintain and provide what is necessary to be comfortable and safe. It is a fundamental that we must have to function properly. What I’m frankly saying is we all need these things… It is what we add on in addition to it that becomes the misunderstanding, especially for single-children homes.

You want to call me a spoiled brat, go ahead but I will correct you and say it is wrongfully misused and insulting. Would you mind me calling you a self-righteous judgmental asshole? I’m sure you wouldn’t. Summing up an individual into a category and labeling them is exactly what is wrong in our society right now. First of all I don’t know who came up with such a title to describe single children with both parents. It implies that generally we’re all ungrateful kids who get whatever we want. Has anyone stopped to think that perhaps what is given is what the parents choose for the child to have? I guess it has never been viewed that way. It’s not necessarily whatever the child wants, but I will agree that we are much readily able to have certain things if we ask (and do all the right things parents want). I’m referring to things. I’ve escaped some situations with the protection at hand much more easily than otherwise expected. I value those unexpected holidays like Valentine’s Day or Easter when my mother would buy little gifts and create a cute basket. I’m sure many of us can possibly relate to that. If it was my choice I would trade in all that I have for the bond and closeness that is non-existent from those that matter most. Over the years it has gotten worse and now it’s only a memory and ideal of what I want family to be.

Whether we feel we’re justified in it or not doesn’t change the fact we don’t allow ourselves to open up to learn about who someone is. There are times I’ve been proven wrong but it doesn’t change me from getting to know someone else. I am this way because I have been categorized and labeled all my youth: whether it had anything to do with my upbringing, my personality, my ability to learn, or anything else—I can’t stand it because I know what resides in me is a character, a somebody, a whole being, that is not given a chance to be seen. We listen to what each other say about someone and we immediately form an opinion. All possibilities for seeing the true essence of him/her is robbed because of what someone else has put in our heads. The sad part is we allow it to cloud our judgment. Every once in a while I’ll catch someone brave enough to say, “Think for yourself” and I love it because that’s what I always try to do no matter what. One of my biggest pet peeves is someone telling me what my thoughts are or telling me the decisions I’m about to make as If they’re controlling my body like a remote controlled robot. You want to know what a hell-raising bitch looks like take a trip inside my mind because it’s happening at those very moments. I’m an easy-going person, at least I’ve always believed myself to be, and I believe in you and anyone else having your own freedom. I live under this notion that if I don’t run your life then you can’t run mine. So when I come across anyone who thinks they can live my life better than me I have a problem with that…

Do you want to know the similarities between a child who has it "all" and a child who has nothing? Do you really? I know there are people reading this thinking, Give me a break! We already know the “vast” differences. But just give me a chance to explain and maybe this will shed some light and help you to view people’s circumstances a bit differently. A child who has it all may have the perfect picture life but feel completely alone. Things only tide us over, keep us occupied for a moment of pleasure, but they don’t fill the void of what you really need. What only children may miss is for others to see them for who they really are. When a child is alone with no parents, no family, no home, nada they have to rely on basic instincts to survive. It’s about finding love and on this journey it can lead to the wrong places, bad places, bad people. Things overshadow what is really there and important. When it becomes the basis of any relationship there’s a need to go out to find what fills the emotional void. Besides an orphan or foster child having no one an only child experiences loneliness through the distance and lack of understanding from their parents when their emotional needs are not met and having no siblings to share and confide in. Having an extra body that is the bridge between parents is missing therefore the child must learn to cope and figure things out. This is not to blame because there are cases like mine whereas it would’ve been life threatening for more children to be brought into the world. This happens, this is life.

What varies according to every only child’s life is the closeness with extended family. I was unfortunate especially in my late teens, early adult years… With my mother and father’s presence in my life it was familiar and safe. I was upset by the detachment within my extended paternal and maternal family but it didn’t hurt as much as it does now since my father is no longer living. The void of him has made a difference and impact in my life especially being at home with my mother. Her work life has not changed and therefore she is just as consumed in it as she was when he was alive. Because I’m left with the knowing that he is not around and my extended family has not reached out to be comforting, supportive, and present it has affected me more than ever. My father was present at the birth of his daughter’s second son by his first marriage. He will never see the potential birth of children I bring into this world or walk me down the aisle if I ever get married. He will never know my children or meet the man I want to marry. Even though I’m almost 30 I still feel there’s something I’m missing and was left out of knowing. There is no manly-guide in my life anymore. There is nothing for me to base anything from and now I must rely on my instincts and continue asking God for guidance. Life will take a swing at you and remind you that not all good and secure things will last. This was my wake-up. I believe that the Lord is creating curbs in the road of life to change the course of our lives for the better. We all have a timeline and my father’s ended at the time it did. Mine is still going therefore the path that was once made has reverted in a different direction for something else to take place.

I want to make this one point very clear. It doesn’t matter what you have or how you have it if you don’t have the foundation of strong family ties you have absolutely nothing. There is a void, emptiness, and hole that cannot be filled with monetary and material things. Unless you have a strong bond with friends that are a constant in your life then you’re not going to find it otherwise. When you don’t have the security of extended family and lose a parent you will definitely feel the sting of loneliness. It doesn’t matter how much your family pisses you off you must think about is it worth distancing and separating yourself. I know that what lies within my family’s history is much deeper than what saying “Sorry” can fix. The unexplainable can create a much bigger gap than what can be explained. My days are spent uncertain of tomorrow or where my future leads but I keep hope in knowing that in spirit the Lord guides me through all my challenges teaching and helping me to grow inside and out. As an only child I’ve learned to rely on a higher being when I was misunderstood, taken for granted, ignored, and mistreated. In the end it’s all we ever have, so I hope I’ve shed some light on what it means to walk a path “perfectly” alone and you can find an understanding that is most of the time misunderstood.

The Green Still Lives & Grows

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Mon, 4 Nov 2013 14:34:00 -0500

I start off my story-telling series with this visual of a basket of thriving green. I'm not much of a planter or someone with a green thumb. From a young age I can recall nearly drowning a soil plot with a single seed of a sprouting bud. It was a toy from McDonalds possibly or a small gift back when kids actually had toys that gave them something to do and actually "learn". We are the last of what can be considered "innocent" because I don't know where we're going in today's society with "raising children".

But anyhow, all spring and summer hardly any growth was happening and being that I don't tend to plants as regularly I wasn't watering it like I should. Astoundingly it really started to show new growth by the end of the hot days of summer somewhere around the last couple of weeks of September. Surprisingly I hadn't noticed the progress until then and was exited by it and unsure of what will happen with the cold days upon us. If he/she decides to weather the storm will be a miracle for me. It will be a strong green to hang on through the bitter cold of Georgia's winter. If we're lucky it won't be dreadfully cold to the point it just weathers up and dies. Maybe this time I'll consider another option of keeping it thriving with a heater, something warm.

You will be surprised to know this basket of soil was at one point a beautiful bouquet of white lilies, tall and kind. It was a gift out of condolence during our time of mourning in April 2007. My mother and I lost my father at 58 during one of his normal, routine days of work on a Monday. It was a gloomy, overcast day, looked like it would rain and I can't remember if it ever did. He came into my room before he went to work to tell me he was leaving. Usually I would peep out the front door hole and watch him drive down the street, turning right out of the driveway in his 1998 sporty black Honda Civic, until I couldn't see the car anymore because it turned the corner at the end of the road we lived on; but that day I stayed in bed. I didn't get up and went back to sleep. My father and I were not super close like many father daughter relationships, we argued, there was tension, it was bothersome. He got on my last nerve and we just butted heads for the realness of it all. I've always understood that when two people just can't deal with each other it is because they are so much alike its like two repelling forces. We just clashed. So the last memory I have of my father was during the start of the roughest years that lied ahead for me in my middle 20's - we were at that place of rubbing each other the wrong way and it was apparent every day including that particular day. So I stayed in bed.

It wasn't even noon, from what I account because details were a blur from my recollection after that, and I was sitting at my new DELL 1525 Laptop with custom design magenta lid cover getting ready to figure out how to set-it up when I realized he had taken the instruction manual in his bag to work. My father was always trying to do more, frankly in my opinion because it became routine for my mom to tell him to do "Honey-Do's" or help with "something" or another. I remember the night before he was up late, as was customary of his nighttime boutness, and had my computer opened and looking it over. He wasn't like a Geek Squad techy, but he knew enough to pass relying on his techy co-workers/ work colleagues especially one he was particularly close to Lee, to aid in figuring things out. That's what I remember...the light on in the room with the tv on, sitting at the table with my laptop open figuring something out. We weren't close so at that time it annoyed me he was all engaged in my computer and I hadn't had the chance to do anything with it. That's just how it was, the life it was.

The phone rang and I went over to the caller I.D. to see who it was and it was his work number. I answered it and this woman asked if it was me. The weirdest thing happened, I had a feeling - I "knew" something was wrong and feeling that sudden uncertain knowing fear I hung up. For some reason I had gone upstairs, we live in a two-story house, and went into that same room he was in the night before and answered the phone when it rang again. It was the woman that worked with dad. She sounded upset and I just knew. This is where it gets very fuzzy for me...

I can't remember word for word what she said because my memory doesn't pick that up now, but in paraphrasing she told me, something happened to him... I know she was hysterical and I couldn't continue listening, not even a second longer to hear everything she had to say - just hung up in the middle of her talking. She asked if it was me and that my mother was at the hospital...two people were coming to get me to take me to the hospital to be with her. I'm not sure at this time if my mother had tried to reach me to tell me what was going on but I'm sure she did through tears and extreme emotion. Too much was going on. I got dressed and not that long came a knock at the door. It was a medium-height and frame white man with curly brown hair dad worked with and a woman who also worked with him sitting in the passenger seat of his jeep. I just get in and all this random small talk between long intervals starts happening in unsettling quietness. No one told me what the case was, what really happened.
I was left in the dark with bits of information without really being told anything - riding in the car downtown. I caught the man glancing back and forth at me through the rear view as if he was trying to read me. It annoyed me. My emotions were probably unreadable, it was a solemn moment in time. I looked out the window not sure what to think or what I would find when we got to the hospital.

They dropped me off at the entrance and I was met outside by another woman, my father's boss I think, unsure. She led me into the sanctuary to my mother very upset with a tear stained face being consoled by who was probably my dad's boss. It was so strange I just went along with the motions still unknowing of what was going on. My mother was relieved to see me and found some composure with me being there. I think she asked me if I was told what happened and I told her no, or it was about dad. It still didn't hit me when the chaplain came into the room. He said a prayer and we all bowed our heads... I guess in my mind I thought my father was not well or fighting something and we were praying for his recovery. Mom and I went back to the room where he was in a hospital gown lying on the bed with the sheets pulled up with the monitor going and tubes coming out of his nose. Mom stood there rubbing his gray hair (my father had premature gray hair), emotional. I just saw him lying there unsure of everything. I didn't want to touch him knowing what I was possibly looking at and didn't want to feel the cold. There was dried blood under his nostrils and it made me wonder. That's all I could think about, what happened? Why is there dried blood under his nose? Those questions were not answered with certainty since no one seemed to know what actually happened. My father kept to himself and my mother usually referred to him as a "loner", the story on this will be in another entry. He didn't sleep well at night, having nightmares, and staying up late most of the time falling asleep in the same room I've mentioned at the beginning. He worked in an environmental firm as the scheduling manager and on occasion would fall asleep at his computer in his office space. With it being an open space with windows it was easy for anyone to walk by and notice everything.
This Monday he was found lying on the floor. Even though he was given CPR to resuscitate him it didn't work... no one knows how long he was unconscious. I keep thinking 15 minutes, my memory keeps showing this number, but unsure. We, my mother and I believe that he hit his head on the table and it knocked him out, but I feel that is only part of the conclusion. Something else happened but the autopsy results showed nothing was wrong. He died of natural causes.

My father had just got a new pace maker since the last one was not at its best anymore. A smoker for as long as I can remember growing up. I remember him having the procedure done the actual day of Halloween 2006. There were no problems with his heart to cause what happened. So we were left with knowing that there was no cause of his passing except it was his time to go. And it's so weird reflecting on this because I remember when I was still taking classes, at Bauder college downtown in Atlanta, and a Sunday before returning back to the apartment him asking me, "If anything was to happen to him would me and my mother be okay". He was a worrier, and I told him confidently everything would be fine and I meant that. I felt that with my mother's strong, take-charge, handling everything ways with my independent and go-getter ways there was nothing that could break us. I was also saying it "matter-of-factly" with no inkling that something was awry or the future would hold this change in life's dynamic. The sad part is in my mind I could actually believe we would be okay without him, assured we would be fine. It's something you don't want or need to experience to find out. There is no one in your life that you can do without or be okay without. My father and I did not have the best or closest relationship but with him not being here it has changed so much of our lives. We were already 3 in a home, just us and no other family, and with him gone it created the worst strain that continually grows. I grew up feeling lonely, misunderstood, and struggled with my peer-oriented relationships, extended family relationships, and authority figures, along with my parents. The later years of my 20's have been the hardest, most challenging, miserable, and loneliest times of my life. I prayed throughout my teens that life would be better because I couldn't fathom my future being any worse than the moments I've had. So you can understand my emptiness and hopelessness to experience the 20's where you're having the time of your life while messing up and learning your way to maturity - to have advanced challenges to face.

Besides not having the strongest support system from neither side of my paternal or maternal families I realized that time was passing and I still didn't know where to go with myself. To be quite honest I'm still trying to figure that out but I am in a much better place now if I decided writing would be my purpose. The issue that lingered in the air before my father passed was the rising tension about me still being at home. My life didn't have much meaning and I didn't know who I was. I'm still learning about who I am currently right now but think about this. Imagine not having a strong relationship with your extended family especially during the loss of a parent, not having the comfort and support of close friends, no job, living at home still, and not knowing what to do next. It can feel like the bottom is about to give out, which is what eventually happened to me with my health. You're not supposed to be in your 20's with issues involving your well-being. Vitality, right? Not so, never have I experienced a single debilitating migraine, my mom used to have them when I was in middle school and early high school, until now. It took five years to experience it but never before has it been a problem. What the female body goes through during high stress is overwhelming and crazy. I think it was the hardship of experiencing loss having an internal affect I failed to believe. When we left Georgia and stayed in California to spend time with family we hadn't seen since I was 16 my body expanded like a balloon. Feminine complications set in and I was off-track for three months. It was abnormal. With everything my mother and I were still sorting out emotionally I never brought it to her attention but she was aware of how much weight I gained. Upon returning home something else was happening that was unusual. I felt light-headed like everything was spinning, especially during the night, and thankfully approved medical insurance allowed me to go to the doctor. I was able to get regulated again over time and eventually the "vertigo" episodes ceased.... just too much was going on. But it wasn't over yet...more on the horizon lasting from October 2008 until March 2011 at a demeaning job took me for another loop in my life...

Opposite Side of the Tracks

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Wed, 2 Oct 2013 17:40:00 -0400

"Dangerous & Violent Love" along with other episodes I've seen on Dr. Phil has encouraged me to start talking about a very sensitive topic that has affected me for as long as I can remember. I'm searching the internet for a specific form of abuse and what I find is the opposite of what I expect. I know personally what I've experienced is something that is extremely personal and hard to deal with even now as an adult. There are times I don't view myself as an "adult" and have to convince myself that I'm 28, not a child anymore. Even saying it can feel strange....and other times it feels fine. I've made points in status updates on Facebook and Twitter to emphasize the uniqueness in my life compared to others (even though I don't know anyone's story other than my own) because when you feel the way I do you believe your life is "different". I'm not where I would like to be or where I would've liked to be if I had an idea of what it is that I would want to be. I know this may sound like one of the characters in Alice in Wonderland or Yoda from the Star Wars Trilogy but hopefully you're able to understand my point. LOVE has a very strange meaning in my life, that has never been the "ideal" that I wanted it to be. I say ideal because I'm believing now after years of growing up that I see things "perfectly" or "happily" and life is not that way. I want to believe there are happy times and loving people out here but my youthful timeline has presented muddled forms of everything I believed to be "right" or true.

It is best for me to start with the confession that I know for myself....I'm alone. No sympathy or pity I'm seeking when I say this, but I've learned to accept the fact that I'm alone. The peace I've obtained from learning we come into the world alone and leave not alone has helped me to manage. My growing faith and reliance on a higher being, The Divine, guides me to happier places and hope for better. Have you had days where you feel at a loss and other days you're fine? Well it can be scary at times when you don't have a handle on things. It could just be the fact there's no "control" that I have in my life presently I'm confident and happy about. It can be tough trying to stay ultimately positively when mentally and emotionally you keep drifting back to a place you don't want to think about and want to move away from.
There were plenty of disagreements...misunderstandings because let's face it I'm not easy to understand and I guess relate to. I've spent my youth having to "explain" myself and apologize for everything I did because it was always taken out of context. When I'm able to analyze myself (take a moment to think before acting or speak before talking) I realize I'm impulsive and quick to react. I've tried to slow myself down and really assess what I've heard or seen before having something to say or do about it.... and I've come to find that when I do give myself a moment I'm able to address the situation much better than anticipated. I'm feeling better and honestly quite embarrassed because I realize I could've made an ass out of myself. It really is important to try hard to put one self into another person's shoes (even if it's challenging to understand their perspective) because you find a commonality. It spares the drama and indifference that is likely to happen. So Reader I ask you to walk in my shoes as a black female living in a small little town going to a predominately white school all your years (with the exception of a few ethnic kids) and living in a neighborhood on a main road, no kids playing in the streets, people walking up and down the pathways, old neighbors, and having an extremely distant paternal and maternal family dynamic.

Some would say I lived the "charmed" life because there wasn't the piddle to post problem for me and there was no financial struggle since both matriarch and patriarch held down the fort. Life was clock-work. Work, school, weekend, and so forth. Remember being told, what you don't know won't hurt you? There's some right and wrong to that. Children don't know nor do they understand why things are the way they are. I've always been filled with many questions and as an adult its been a relief to receive answers to those questions. It didn't matter whether I liked it or not. I just wanted to know the truth. There were ALWAYS people "wondering" about what our lives were like. It was annoying. Mostly work related people but also family which made it odd. I could never understand what was so 'fascinating' or why people were so nosy but my mother's response to it taught me that they were "wrong" and low-down for it. I adopted that attitude too. As an adult I believe some people were just concerned or worried, not knowing how to really tell us. It's a tricky thing wanting to be honest with someone you know and not knowing how to begin speaking to them on a personal note without causing tension or causing defense. Sometimes I just want to not give a d*mn because I just say what's on my mind and don't like to walk around my words. But there's something about getting older that you realize you are doing a service to yourself and others when you're mindful of your words and show tact. So I'm addressing those people and then there's others who are just seedy, shady people that must be kept at bay. It's hard to tell the difference because I've been let-down and hurt by those that I believed would ride or die until the end. Hurt doesn't even seem like the appropriate word...it's more like betrayed. It's life lessons like these that mold us into the people we are. Gain a wiser more careful approach. But I understand now and that's all that matters.

There was a concern for me that people had....I didn't know why. I thought I was fine and they had no business acting as though something was wrong with me. This touchy and defensiveness I'm aware of about myself came from growing up and being the target of negativity. There's a fighter in me that came from being the victim of prejudice, bullying, and mistreatment from every direction. From the inside looking out I viewed myself as a non-threatening, harmless, quiet, shy, scared, anxious girl who didn't understand why people treated her so roughly. What I came to find was I was being treated as though I was troublesome and "bad". I couldn't be myself without there being a connection to something "wrong".
I just wanted people to like me and more importantly accept me... There was no reassurance or a place to draw strength from with my family. I was alone to walk the path and learn the hard way of dealing with the challenges and stresses of my environment. It was a battle and instead of learning quickly it turned into a slow ordeal that became unbearable and torturous. All my years in school I felt trapped and wishing to be set free. Many times writing I want to get out of here. It seemed to lag on right down to the last year in high school. Just when I thought I couldn't hang on any longer it all ended. Graduation finally arrived and it felt like a ticket to a freedom that took too long to get there. I walked away from those years thinking life would be better but there was one thing stopping me that I didn't resolve with and that was my family life. Friends come and go even though "childhood friendships" are those memories of your past that bring some wholesomeness. That was another part that never felt complete and I'll touch on that later.

LOVE...love..love... well if it means knowing you're related to people who come from the same "bloodline" as yourself then that's what I've known growing up. "Blood is thicker than water" I held close to my heart and still do. How I view it though is much different from understanding my family dynamic. Nowadays blood is thin and water is still the same, if you get my drift. Many of you come from families that you know without a doubt you can turn to in any situation and lean on when times get hard. You're so lucky, fortunate, more than you know... Truth be told milestones have never been a big hoopla. Holidays come and go. After listening to rap Artist Drake's single "Too Much" (currently on homepage http://RPRAI.com) it connected with me when he mentions his family's dynamic...it parallels my own with the "distance". If he's feeling the way I do the need to talk about it and direct it head-on helps in confronting the issue instead of pushing it under the rug or ignoring it. Which leads me into saying this, how I've come up in this generation is a far-cry from the old school generation (my parents and their parents). We're about addressing everything and leaving nothing unspoken, even taking it so far as to show acceptance towards unacceptable and profane aspects of life. In other words using the crude word f*** open-ended and playfully referring to each other as "b*tch and ho" and the list goes on. Not to confuse my mention of this as adoration or glorification per se, more so showing how us young people are turning a new leaf to what was once rejected.

What do you think of when you hear someone tell you "I love you" or actually say it yourself ? One major issue I notice is the use of it without the meaning these days. I've heard it more times than I'd care to mention but it's sickening. Love means so much to me and it should to all of us to say it when we mean it. Sporadic and sparing phone calls from those I thought "loved" me ended with I love you as if it was a closing statement, a salutation to a letter to just say. It's even more strange and uncomfortable for me to say it now than when I was a kid. It meant so much to feel a part of something bigger than myself and my shortcomings. It was a let-down and a major disappointment when all the pieces of the puzzle came together as I witnessed the deterioration of my vision of love in a family. Realizing we're not as "close" as a family should be allows me to aim for those important values when I have a family of my own one day. I don't want to hover, spoil, or smother my child or children but give them a sense of home and closeness that seemed to lack in my own. I've been blessed to have both parents and lived without concern of where we would be living the next day or if we had anything to eat. I'll forever thank God for these blessings. Saying I love you and showing love are lessons to be learned over again and every day I try to do something unselfish that gives of myself back to one or more people. I'm also on a journey to surround myself with people who embody a sense of love because I want it to absorb into my character - to be a better person than I was in my past and to not give up on it in.

So this covers inside my world and life a bit and I'll be returning with more and hopefully progressively you'll learn all sides of who I am and find some relation to your life.

SP

GET A GRIP : Ladies, IT'S TIME TO GET REAL WITH IT [Mature Audiences]

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Tue, 17 Sep 2013 10:29:00 -0400

Let's stop the lies that we are telling ourselves once and for all.

It's about time I decided to get this pen to work and actually talk about some real topics.
So let's begin with the #1 topic on the tops of females and males minds. SEX

After video and video of watching the same redundancy. The same innuendo in tv shows.
The same "I wish I had the stud in high school" scenario being played out over and over again on "reality" tv. Guys chasing tail and girls chasing the fool... Doesn't it all become rather stupid?

How long can the same actions be repeated before it really sinks in that it's NOT working?
I may be viewed as an "over-thinking, imaginative, idealist" but I'll tell you one thing - having some good damn sense never hurt nobody and it sure kept my ass out of a lot of stupid, wasteful, and troublesome situations.

This is for my ladies....I'm addressing this to you because I am one of you and maybe in my "idealist" mind it can help many of us get on track to where we belong in this wack society of "female empowerment" that is questionable.

If we are truly "empowered" then why are we still chasing and not allowing ourselves to be chased? It's just simple laws of nature. The male is the hunter and we are the "unfortunate" prey, or though it seems. When you look at it from that stand-point it sounds rather hopeless and degrading. We're more than just the animal getting caught and humped to death until the hunter has had enough. We are living breathing creatures with hearts, minds, and souls. And that's the truth. We deserve to be treated with the utmost respect of THE higher order of the animal kingdom as Queens on our thrones. And we deserve nothing less than a KING to rule beside us.

When I read or learn of a female "giving up her goodies" or her lady treasures to her man without so much as a reason why it burns me up when I realize she's been hanging onto the dude for years and he still hasn't made a real commitment to her. Commitment meaning he has not suggested he wants to be with her for the long run and actually MEANS it. Not living together, or in other words "shacking up", but actually putting an actual engagement ring on her finger (putting a damn ring on it!) and professing his intentions of a future with her. That is a solid deal. There are cases where the guy is mixed up and can't get his priorities straight and slip up a time or two but for the most part if he's going to make that big commitment to you then he means business. He sees you as a future life partner, the mother of his children, and a reason for being a man with real obligations and purpose.

Let me backtrack and emphasize this once more, "When a fellow woman or young lady gives up her lady treasures to her guy without so much as a reason why and it burns me up...." Let me tell you why. I may be completely wrong but there is a gut feeling I have that tells me some of it will register. If we're going to break it down to the simple idea of "Hunter and Prey" think about what it feels like when you accomplish something that you've worked so hard to achieve. Feels empowering doesn't it? Makes you feel you've gained something valuable. You've earned your damn keep...

Well that goes for the Hunter or "the male". If a guy feels that he has earned his stripes he is going to walk around proudly and treasure his accomplishment rather than have it handed to him on a silver platter. When was the last time you felt proud of having a reward handed to you without doing a damn thing for it?!?!! I bet you didn't know what to do with or could understand why you received it in the first place. If you're feeling me on this one then you will be able to follow my rant lol.

Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with giving a lil sumthin sumthin if the mood hits. That's the whole point, both sides need to be feeling it. But when one side is just handing it over then there's something very wrong with the scenario. That person is neglecting their needs and wants, lowering themselves to an insignificant place. I know this because in my life I'm always giving to those around me and in return I've been given everything other than the same equal return. You feel like shit. You continue to do it because you hope one day someone will treasure your giving and kindness. The problem with it is you never know when that day will come so you may spend your entire life just waiting, until it's over. So for me and you it's a lesson we need to cop to quick because let's face it, we deserve a hell of a lot more.

If it's your birthday ladies then let it be YOUR birthday, not his. If you find yourself giving him all the glory of the day then you f*cked up. I just have to be very candid here.... He should be the one showering you with gifts, making you feel special, giving you a damn lap dance, and stripping for YOU lol
When I learn that a fellow woman is doing all those things plus extra on her special day ( and let's not forget every other holiday that counts like the anniversary of your relationship, Valentine's Day, i.e.) I know that she is fighting for something. What was there in the beginning that he was readily showing and proving to her diminished and she's trying to get it back. Somewhere along the line it dwindled down and there seems to be a distance or lack in chemistry. It's not as passionate, or lustful, or hot, whatever the case may be. We all know relationships have their ups and downs. It's life. We're all human. When you get used to something you sorta lose your attention on how precious and valuable it is until the worst happens. But you don't want it to get to that point.

I'm not an expert, just giving a perspective. Maybe the relationship is hot and the case may be you both may not be as compatible as you thought you were. Maybe it's a thing where he's bored and wants to try something else. Hurts Ladies I know, but you got to understand The Hunter. We know all the tricks of the trade but we ignore them and play the dumb damsel in distress. We allow ourselves to get hurt when we know what's going on. We cry, we whine, we beg, we plead, we grovel on the damn ground, and we get stupid jealous because we let our power get away from us. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest this so if any of you feel that it doesn't work feel free to share your thoughts because this is all a discussion we all need to have together. Period.

The next damn time you decide you're going to open your legs for a guy without him so much as earning the right to enter the kingdom of heaven really think about what you're doing.... We live in a time where 12 year olds and disgustingly younger than that are losing their damn virginity, just because of all the foolishness of our time: curiosity, lack of knowledge, no parental guidance, peer pressure, sexual explicit garbage on tv, profanity and suggestive content on regular damn cable tv...
Little kids are knowing far too much before their time and are already hip to shit that used to be back in the day strictly for adults only. SEX is treated as simply as pouring a glass of juice, meaning there's no "value" involved in it's meaning anymore. Everything is so desensitized.

But let me get back to my original point, there's beauty in the chalice that lies between our legs. It forbears life and it gives us the closet feeling to God that we can feel on this physical earth. Why does it deserve to be handed over as if it's a disposal?!?? Just tell me that...why does our bodies need to be treated as objects to leave gunk and stuff into as if we are not made of better?!!!? The next time you go find love with Mr. so and so with your (O.P.P) on display remember what he's thinking of after he's had it and didn't do a thing to earn it. You may have him again for a few more times but expecting a real connection and relationship to develop is a fool's game.

I don't know about you but unless I'm horny there's not going to be a rump in the forest. Ladies, it's time to let your man know about what makes you happy too. He can want it all day and night but unless you're in the mind-set too there is no mutual interaction. There's nothing worse than being in a situation you don't want to be in with your mind not in it. Remember how orgasms work? If you're not mentally there then it's just an object going in and out of you. What good is making love if it's just that, no feeling, just allowing yourself to be used that way? You might as well hang your womanhood up on a coat rack and never look back at it again. You DESERVE more. We are Queens.

Lastly let me emphasize this point once more, if a guys knows he has you then there's no going back to where it was before when he was pursuing you. I'm sure somewhere in the male manual it's possible but it will take a hell of an effort to get back to it. Continue being chased and being the prey because the ultimate power lies in your hands. You hold the scepter and to make the decision of whether you want to invest your valuable time in him or not. This is how I see it... it takes a lot more effort to chase and pursue than it is to be the one pursued. The Hunter or the male has to deal with his ego and whether or not he will be able to handle the blows if you say no or reject him. And if he's really diggin you it's even harder. When I was younger it annoyed me when random guys came up to me throwing lines and acting goofy because I didn't understand it and I didn't understand the power I possessed. IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE GAME THEN YOU WILL FEEL LIKE "PREY" OR THE VICTIM.

If you keep him chasing you then you won't fail. Keep him on his toes. Don't have him believe he's got you wrapped around his finger and you're easy to take. There's no pride in the win. He will take what he wants, get tired of you quick, and throw your carcass back out to the wild for the vultures to pick all over it. Gruesome analogy lol but it got you thinking though, right? If you've noticed in your own relationships if not your girlfriends and the women in your family, you find yourself fighting for his attention and eventually turn into the nagging, fussy woman that you allowed yourself to become. When you look at it from the outside, like a fly on the wall, you'll see how crazy it looks. He's basically blocking you out, not hearing a damn thing you're saying, and you're just wasting your breath. He's got you whooped. He believes in his mind that he doesn't need to take the relationship to the next step, potentially marriage, because he's got everything he wants. The saying is 100% true, WHY BUY THE COW WHEN YOU CAN GET THE MILK FOR FREE. Yes, Yes, Yes and 100% Hallelujah. You ALL should be saying AMEN Sister! Why do YOU deserve to be wifey material when you've already gave all that you got? He has nothing to fight for. So he's riding the wave until you blow a gasket about when is he ever going to propose and ask you to marry him. He'll make you feel like you're overreacting and whatever other reasons he can come up with about why he hasn't done it. You don't know if he ever will and the indecisiveness of it all is deafening.

We're learning and teaching our younger sisters and daughters to be the man's dream...to be this image, this walk, this talk, this hair, these eyes, lips, nose, legs, stomach, butt, every damn thing...
We're offering ourselves on a silver platter for their pleasure but they haven't given anything to deserve such rewards. Why are we DOING this? That's what we need to ask ourselves...WHY am I objectifying myself for a man's love and affections? I'll tell you this ladies because many of us have been subjected to this all our lives. When you grow up not understanding your real, true worth, not had anyone tell you you're worthy, special, beautiful, and all that you comprise of is valuable and should only be given to those who will respect it, then you become vulnerable to the evils of the world. You don't know what you've never understood. If your father was never in your life, left it at a certain age, died unexpectedly, abused you, molested you, or never talked to you about the world with males in it then you're missing one of the most valid, important messages of being alive on this earth as a female. I didn't have that "boy talk" with my father but I learned through observation, tried and true experiences, and learning from the women in my life about what it means to feel value and know what is valuable to me as a female and a woman. As women it is our duty to remind ourselves, each other, and our girls these things or we forfeit our own self-worth and dignity.

I don't have kids but if I ever have a daughter she will know directly from me what every part of her body should mean to her and how she should carry it. SEX is a part of life. It is life and we all need to stop acting like it's taboo with our youth. They are learning about it the wrong way that is harming and even killing them. It's our fault every time a kid gets a disease or gets pregnant super young because it could've been prevented if they received the attention and concern from us. AIDS is still a major factor whether or not there are medicines to treat it. It's still in our bodies and who deserves to live with the virus roaming in their bodies?!!? I know I'm talking about numerous things but my point is strictly just value your mind, body, and soul. A relationship should be healthy, meaningful, and trusting. When we notice our guys acting uninterested, it's not the time to start handing over our goodies, but to reevaluate the situation. If push comes to shove go back to basics - get to know each other all over again without SEX firsthand. Whatever happened to flirting, seduction, and making out? Do people even make-out anymore?!!!? I guess it gets too hot and heavy. But maybe that's the point, maybe there should be a form of sexual tension or resistance just to keep him wanting you. Give him a run for his money instead of handing it over. As long as both of you are on the same playing field then there's a chance of a future. Courtship is not dead. Kissing a lady's hand is not ancient. Opening up a door and letting a guy pull your chair out for you is not old-fashioned. It's respectable gentleman etiquette. It ain't the fact you can't do it yourself. It's allowing a man to be a man and be considerate to you because you deserve to be treated like a Queen.

Why Even Get Out Bed

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Tue, 13 Aug 2013 16:49:00 -0400

It's an odd thing. How we're able to repeat our actions and train our subconscious to do the talking and walking for us when the rest of us is not there. "There" meaning in the present, willing to do all the things we do in a single day if we chose to do any and everything at all. But do you ever wonder how we manage to continue the same pattern of how we rise in the morning and do it again the next day? Does it help you to feel in control of something, anything, when everything else is falling apart? Or is it just the right thing to do because you've been taught to hit the alarm when it goes off and get up, straighten your bed, put on the morning coffee, and get yourself ready for another joyous or tireless day of going to that job or whatever you do in your day-to-day life.

So why get out of bed when there's no reason to get up? How do you find a reason to continue the same routine? You keep telling yourself, Today will be different. I'll make a difference today...or just "give it a go, just one more time". It must be scary for someone who has the fear of not knowing what tomorrow will bring so they live in a state of anxiety and paranoia while everyone else seems to easily and readily get going every day with no problem. At least there's something to work with, something to give a biological or chemical diagnosis towards, but what if you know there's nothing wrong with you...

You've been doing the same thing for as long as you can remember since your mother, if you've been fortunate to hear the constant persistence engrained in you, Time to get up! Get up sleepyhead! Or in my case a mother and an annoying cousin who happens to call on a Saturday morning at 11 to "remind" you that you're still in bed. Thinking about it makes me laugh inside because if you need someone to get you going just allow a family member to call "out of the blue" while you're in a sleep oasis to bring clarity to your life, or start your day off wrong in my opinion.

It's engrained. It is the way of life. Everyone else does it...your mother and father, your siblings, your friends, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your neighbors, the mailman. That's what it looks like, or so it seems. You can blame it on being sick why you don't feel like getting out of bed, which is exactly how I'm feeling right now. The difference is I'm feeling better today than I did 3 days ago but you just lay there just wanting to lie in it, your bed, and your thoughts. Then you can start giving a face to it. It's your frustration, anger, your aggravation, your lost and brokenness, and just feeling tired. There's a difference between your eyes partially closing from a long day and just feeling the kind of tired that falls upon you when you wish it would go away.

When your life is not on the right track or you find yourself questioning, why am I not where I want to be? What is the easiest way to excuse it all away? What do you tell yourself? This is what we should ask ourselves every day. What am I going to do to make it better, what am I willing to change about myself or the situation to make living my life better? It's about getting out of a place of bad and ultimately reaching a place of "better" or good. I'm not an expert otherwise I would be charging per session by now but I do think it's what we should be talking about with each other and not rotating it over and over again in our heads.

Maybe if we all listened to each other instead of wanting to "hear" only ourselves talk we can learn from what the other person is sharing and let it influence the repair of the problems in our own lives. We talk so much, expletive, we talk so damn much! If you only knew the people I know you would understand how strongly I feel about this. It's like screaming inside of a glass jar or more realistically behind a sound proof wall. The words you say just float upward or dissipate while all you hear is a never-ending tractor trailer collision and train horn steam-rolling on tracks of non-stop self-involvement. Just by experiencing these kinds of people in my life I've felt the need to personally teach myself to listen more and talk less. Unfortunately there are times I get so passionate and opinionated about a TV show, the news, or what someone has said or done that I must get it out. It could feel like a "never-ending story" but I guess you're learning about that right now with the length of this entry.

So how do you get out of that bed you're supposed to at least get eight hours of sleep in at night? Simple, just remind yourself you'll feel fatigued and experience the most annoying energy-deprived bed cramps for a good part of the day. Side note, it helps to have hot water in the shower beat down on the spot for a moment. Believe me that is another issue to turn you into Oscar the Grouch while figuring out how to change the scheme of crazy and bother in your life.

But in some unusual way if there's any possibility that my ridiculous, mundane, below sea level "average" life can make a difference with a pen full of sarcasm, silliness, and sincerely good intentions continue reading and I'll be sure to give you just that. Who knows it may give you something to smile about as you figure out your own life or give it a jump-start in knowing you're not the only one who is trying to pull their self out of the bed every day.

Celebrity Combo

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Wed, 17 Jul 2013 19:20:00 -0400

Jenny McCarthy, Donnie Wahlberg Are Dating: Pair Spends Fourth of July Together

Drugs & Alcohol Wiping Out Today's Generation

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Wed, 17 Jul 2013 17:25:00 -0400

Cory Monteith's Tragic Death: "Everyone Is in Shock"

To Commit And Not To Commit

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Wed, 17 Jul 2013 17:13:00 -0400

Stacy Keibler Opens Up About George Clooney Breakup

Lost Dialogs Circa 1999

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 12:12:00 -0400

Are you Baptist or Catholic?
Have you been 2 a Catholic Church?

Baptist. No I have never been to a Catholic Church?

Are you Catholic?
yes no (check mark)

I went last weekend
Holy Trinity - 2 Catholic big experience-difference
Music very different.
The church looks different.
Tell ya 2morrow when have more Time.
What's the name of your church?

Oak Grove Baptist Church

Have u been 2 Friendship Baptist?

It's in College Park, I go there.

Lost Dialogs Circa 1999

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 12:10:00 -0400

Guess Who I talked with last nite?

Rapper - he's NEW!

I don't NO

You will definitely Not Believe Me!
Turn onto back to see ->

LIL' TROY
*wanna be a Baller...

Are you any Kin to him or something?
Does he look good?

Keiha why you actin like a sped gurl?
Have you seen the music video?
He is the 1st one rappin'....
anyway this n*gga gonna come do a concert here in ATL in like a month -
I talked to him last nite? Do you believe me?

Lost Dialogs Circa 1999

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 12:09:00 -0400

I like your rings
Where did you get them?
Would you like my number jus only if you want 2 call sometime.
You can call me if you want 2, whenever u have the time!

Thank you, the one on my left is from my boy-
friend. (but I can't really see him anymore
because my parents thing he is too old) long story.
Anyway, my others are from Lizard Thicket.
I think that your hand writing is absolutely beautiful!
Yeah, I would like your phone # .
Also my pager # is XXX-XXX in case you needed to reach me.

Thank you, so many people since I was in 3rd gd said was pretty
or good. I love everybody elses handwriting like yours. That's kool
you have a pager. I just think your rings are real cute and I have been
trying 2 find a few good ones. I love Blue and the last ring I had was
blue & it broke. Thanx for being so kind. I would think a lot of the
Junior girls would turn their noses up at me

I know what you mean.

THE MYSTYCISM OF AFRO-AMERICAN HAIR: To Touch Or Not To Touch

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Sat, 8 Jun 2013 06:39:00 -0400

"You Can Touch My Hair"

Explores Fascination With Black Hair, Sparks Debate (VIDEO, PHOTOS)

MAJOR READ :

Black Women's Hair And The Human Zoo: Admiration, Exploitation And Othering

Gabrielle Dunkley @lgabriellel

As a black female I'm torn between the "exploitive and the admiration" merely because growing up there has been an emphasis on "black hair" and what to do with it. It's a shame to say what it felt more like a hassle and detriment than anything else instead of a prized naturality of my make-up. For years it was about pressing combs and relaxers until I experienced hai thinning and loss a few years ago where my hair was thinning at the crown and showing in other areas that I became "natural". I honestly didn't know what my own hair felt like until, shame to say, as an adult. Even now I'm not sure if I could allow anyone to just "feel" my hair even though there's nothing to be ashamed of. It is my natural hair...but it's a mind-set. It's psychological. When you grow up with black women around you bringing attention to their hair, how it looks, feels, and when it's time to get it done (and yours too!) it forms your way of thinking about it. It automatically asserts me into realizing my cultural and racial difference, from Caucasians most definitely. I'm sure many black females can say the only people they have felt comfortable with and allowed to touch and manage their hair are the women who know and understand the same hair they have, the sistas at the hairdresser. The hair stylist who knows how to make it look "good". To have a random person just put their fingers through my hair and "dig in" for a feel I'll admit has never happened and I don't know how to feel about it. When there's a purpose behind the touching (washing, conditioning, or styling) then there's no anxiety. For many of us we're unhappy with our own natural God-given hair that we are uncertain if someone else will accept it. As if it is an extension of who we are, which it is, but it doesn't define our character and what is essential about us. Maybe we feel we'll be unliked if it's not "pleasing" to someone with straight hair I don't know. It's a rather personal thing, hair. When it's cut or colored it's a personal thing no matter what race you are. Much like Samson when his hair was cut, losing his strength. I commend this exhibit. It stirs up thoughts and creates a necessary discussion. Definite praise for this! Continue on and don't stop :)

Second Year In College - Course Reflective Journal Exercise

SerenadasPen@gmail.com (SerenadasPen) — Fri, 31 May 2013 19:00:00 -0400

Anti-Social - Grouped Together - Separated
Is what I see surrounding me.
Stares - Judgement
Is what I notice.
I see the Judge.
Through the stares - gawking - laziness
I guess I meet the world defensively or racing past.
Defensively because I'm not sure - I'm unaware - Tired of being talked about or made - fun of -
because I feel & "Know" that I'm all alone & no one is going to have my back 100%
This is good to keep me strong and enduring in my life and in the world but also bad.
Bad because I probably won't let certain people in My Life and probably see me for me.
Looking at life this way keeps me hidden and secretive - shy -
Not loose and carefree like I want to be.
I do not like it.
That's what it is like for me.
Through time and work I will not have to see the world like this anymore and feel this way.

The Writer's Corner: Pen'Dclarations 📖

How Many Steps Did I Walk -9,221. For How Many Miles -3.5. Let's Talk About It & The Human Interactions.

There Is No Place For You With Love. Her Story Has To Be Told. Listen To Her.

This Is Bliss

Saying Goodbye : Memoirs of a Misunderstood Young Brown Girl

These Jobs Are Looking For What?!!?

Laws of Attraction- Monagomy or Hit It And Quit It

Watching Millionaire Matchmaker

FLEETING YOUTHFUL YEARS -From Work to Life

Julie 'JV' Stanley: Author, Poet, & Editor Paving Her Own Way With Literary Verbose

I'll Do What I Must To Get Where I Need To

This came to my mind as I'm watching American Idol...

I noticed how the contestants I've seen who are in their late 20's, early 30's have the job position title with the word 'manager' in it.

And it got me thinking...

2 Questions for everyone, even those who fall in those age categories.

Just Some Mad Ass Kids

Lee Daniel's 'The Butler' Is America's Story- Through the intimately raw Life-story of a Black Butler

Doing Many Things And Completing Zip

Perfectly Planned

The Green Still Lives & Grows

Opposite Side of the Tracks

GET A GRIP : Ladies, IT'S TIME TO GET REAL WITH IT [Mature Audiences]

Why Even Get Out Bed

Celebrity Combo

Jenny McCarthy, Donnie Wahlberg Are Dating: Pair Spends Fourth of July Together

Read more: http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/jenny-mccarthy-donnie-wahlberg-are-dating-pair-spends-fourth-of-july-together-2013127#ixzz2ZLbYSv4k

Drugs & Alcohol Wiping Out Today's Generation

Cory Monteith's Tragic Death: "Everyone Is in Shock"

Read more: http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/cory-monteiths-tragic-death-everyone-is-in-shock-2013147#ixzz2ZL9wpCPr

To Commit And Not To Commit

Stacy Keibler Opens Up About George Clooney Breakup

Read more: http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/stacy-keibler-opens-up-about-george-clooney-breakup-2013167#ixzz2ZL6rQ7gH

Lost Dialogs Circa 1999

Lost Dialogs Circa 1999

Lost Dialogs Circa 1999

THE MYSTYCISM OF AFRO-AMERICAN HAIR: To Touch Or Not To Touch

"You Can Touch My Hair"

Explores Fascination With Black Hair, Sparks Debate (VIDEO, PHOTOS)

Second Year In College - Course Reflective Journal Exercise