WORD-I-NESS

It just is.

2016-11-24T07:30:00.000-08:00

It was a simple drive home but it ended up striking me in the heart - deeply, and now 2 days later I am compelled to share my feelings and thoughts... I didn't want to write this I tried not to, we are all weary of our world today - it's anger, pain, fear and injustice. .. but I must.

Wednesday afternoon: Leaving a client's in an upscale part of my beloved city, I notice the air had significantly chilled over the last few hours. At the last minute I decide to take a different route home, (I'm the daughter of a man that loved to take a different route to "see what we'll find"...)

As I drove down NW Everett St there were several young men on the sidewalk, laughing and shouting back and forth to each other, At first I thought they were meeting up, old friends glad to see each other, but then they stopped interacting, sat down on the sidewalk and grew silent. As I drew closer I could see their eyes were red, their beards scruffy and full, their clothes stained and torn.
My thoughts went to the men, women, boys and girls in my family and how much I love them all... grateful that none are on the street.

Then I began to wonder...
how did these young men end up on the street?
what is their story?
if I asked, when you were a child what did you dream about doing? can they remember?
do they have any hope?

At a stop light, I see a young woman standing at the entrance of a makeshift, blue tarp lean-to. It's butted up to a chain link fence along the sidewalk and the tarp ripples from the cold breeze. She reaches her hand in and as she withdraws it I could see the tiny packet of drugs. Her back was to me... her hair beautiful; long and dark and curly. Her stance and movements made me think, she's just a young woman.

My heart paled as I thought ,
where is her family?
why has she left them?
has she left them or are they out here too?
how did she get here?

I flipped on the radio, I suppose as a way to divert my wondering about the people I saw. My mind was racing... I needed a distraction, a Thanksgiving story.

They were telling a story, but not the kind I was looking for. -
"More than 21,000 students in Oregon public schools are homeless — nearly 4 percent of the student population."

Again my heart paled as I thought...
does that include the babies? (No, this is just school age kids)
do they have warm clothes and blankets?
do they have food... is it nutritious?
just where do they sleep? they can't get a warm bath.....
My thoughts were spiraling. I decided to do an errand I had been putting off. (I'm really good at distracting myself... aren't we all?)

Recently someone asked me why I am the way I am. It made me feel angry.

Meaning,
why do I have concern for others that have less then I do and
why do I care about their plight?

Why?
I don't know, its just my heart, I care.

Musing with a friend, he said... Lisa, this is you, it's just you. It's how God made you.
So, that is what I will embrace, it is just me.

So this is my plan.
I'll continue to look for ways to help others and whisper a prayer for them as I drive along or help at the food pantry. I'll smile from my heart with my eyes and give people dignity, that which we all deserve.

- Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Wherever you live I hope you can find many things to be thankful for.

Norman Rockwell/Artist
Photo Credit/Oregon Public Radio/NPR station

Time was the Factor….

2016-02-04T19:12:00.000-08:00

Rather horrifying to see that I posted only once in 2015 - Love to write and time hasn't been my friend. But now there are changes afoot and time is being held out to me, on a giant platter. Let's see what we can accomplish.

I'm told I am such a young ** year old and I think so too but this past Thanksgiving I experienced an accident with a "sneaker wave" that admittedly through me for a loop, and literally to the ground. Those of us that experienced that situation and those that love us and found out after the fact are all glad we survived. The injury to my body was localized and painful and slowed me down considerably for a bit of time - happy am I so many months later to have regained my energy and the ability to experience almost total recovery. Thank you. I look forward to the recovery being tweaked it's last little bit. Hurrah for healing and rejuvenation.

Now the newest is that I am seeking my next chapter in the work world. Seeking now a gentler work-scape with the joy of meeting new people and sharing laughter throughout the day. I've spent a lot of my adult life working very long hours and it's time for that to change. How? What will that be? That is the question. For now, I'm taking a deep breath and doing some thinking and research and decisions will come...it will be interesting and fun to see where I land and how the door opens.

For now I am happy that I am living in the city I want to be in and being able to influence a certain little man with love and attention.I'm meeting new people reconnecting with friends from long ago and not so long ago. I know my city a bit better, I have two favorite coffee shops, enjoy water aerobics and picking up a cooking workshop when I find one... who knows what else is around the corner - Oh and a satisfying, albeit tiny, little thing... It's nice to not have to use the GPS to get any and everywhere. ;)

And those coffee shops... Fillmore and Fleur de Lis
http://fillmorepdx.com/
and
http://fleurdelisbakery.com/

Here's a shot from another favorite spot, Forest Park.... hiking in the city. Perfect.

Decade by Decade - the first, in perhaps, a series

2015-04-19T15:56:00.000-07:00

Suddenly I am reflective about my past…..

I was laying there a little baby girl…. and simply blinked and turned around six times and looked again… Shockingly I am a sixty-four year old woman.

Some of the blinks were long and slow in my mind’s eye, but most, yes, most were really, really fast. Speedy fast – seemingly too fast. But you and I both know that every minute is 60 seconds and every hour is 60 minutes so the speed of it all is just an illusion.

Each decade up to the age of sixty, has been momentous in its own right. And this current one is proving to be the same. But this post is going to focus not on this decade, but on the first…. The first you say… what could that matter?

Let me tell you.

The first few days of my life started with lots of blood and included the struggle of almost drowning in childbirth - hanging on the edge for a few days - as was my mom.

The nurse told her. "You and your baby are going to die."

She said, "No, we aren't."

So we didn't, we lived.

There was the usual infant development (with no residual challenges of any kind from the harrowing birth) and by the age of three years, nine months I was big sister to a brother and a set of fraternal twins - one boy and one girl. Mom was in a physical struggle with her health from all this and I quickly became the busy helper. Dad was hard-working and he often talked to me about life and people and the importance of being kind - they both loved their kids and each other.

Tick ~ tock ~ tick. ///// Five years passed.

Starting kindergarten at just a few days five was, in a word, difficult.

I was very shy, very gullible and very naive. In addition to the littles my world was surrounded by a lot of adults and a few neighborhood kids, all many years older than I was.

My shyness at school (and all the way through high school) was translated by others as being stuck-up - in reality I was terrified of pretty much everyone.

When I was almost six we left the big city and moved out to the country... It was lovely and green and I was still very quiet and shy - now flash forward about three years -

It was the summer of my ninth year when the sudden and crystal clear reality of God's existence - the Creator - the Ever Watchful One -- showed in a simple but personally profound way.

Before that tale is told though I have to return to the first moment when I discovered He existed. I was four years old and ...

Oh wait, first -

Imagine this -

Being a mom with four kids in less than four years all delivered via three harrowing cesarean sections – Yep that was my mom.

Keep that in mind please when you read on….

Cause your first thoughts might be judgment towards her.

No judgement allowed. My mom had to be utterly exhausted.

Somehow, in the midst of attending to the littles, someone managed to drop me off at Sunday School. I don't know the name of the church, except it was in the big city. I cannot remember or picture anything relating to any of the other children or what we did in class. I can see in my mind’s eye the big, hospital green walls of the classroom, the right-sized chairs, the teacher's counter that included a sink, and big "old building type" windows. I cannot see her face but I sense the teacher was older, grandmotherly. I remember going there only this once, which translates to not really knowing her at all.

This happened.

Suddenly the room was empty, except for me and the teacher.

Mom was late - very late. Another woman came in and strangely enough, (oh the things we remember)

I remember her frowning and a mention of “my roast is in the oven” but she said she would "make the call" and left.

We waited and I remember sensing the teacher was concerned but calm. She sat down in one of the little chairs across from me. She knew I was scared... very scared. I mean, really, think about it, she was in reality a stranger. Fortunately she did the best thing ever. The thing I needed (though I didn't know it) - she began to read out loud Psalm 23, The Lord is my Shepherd…, etc.

We were there together long enough that she began to help me memorize it. As she read it and I whisper recited after her I remember still being tense but the scary feelings were dwindling.

After a long while, my mom rushed, really rushed into the room, frantic and apologetic and embarrassed. She'd simply lost track of time, I remember her mentioning feeding the twins - having the three littles at home...., etc. The teacher was gracious and we went on our way. As we left, though I didn't realize it then... I left with my mom and a treasure in my heart that remains to this day. That day a part of me received a portion of my foundation, verses of Truth hidden deep in my heart.

So here let me pause and give my thanks to the faceless, nameless woman that stopped and did the only thing she knew to do – the thing that would reach the scared, shy little girl (that was a stranger to her too) in the most kind and eternal way possible. No, I never saw her again... but I will someday.

Now back to the summer of my ninth year. We had, in science class that past school year, learned about the unusual, strange looking, praying mantis - a full color photo was in our science book. I didn't realize it at the time but I had logged that photo deep in my skeptical brain.

So it’s summer, lovely carefree summer, and I was up in the brambles looking for berries - strangely it was a moment in time where I was alone, with no littles around me.

Anyway.

I can even now pull up the feelings and sounds and sights; the warmth of the sun on my back, the chirping birds, the crystal blue sky, all the bramble branches and trees touched by a bit of a breeze. For every berry I picked I ate two… or three. I realized I had to go deeper into the wild brambles where I could see not only plump berries, but lots of them, very important because I had claimed I was going to pick enough berries for a pie. ;)

I crouched and ducked, the thorns did not deter me – I parted the thicket with the intent of finding a passage into the depths but suddenly, there, just in front of me at eye level it sat – praying pose perfect.

I remember gasping but having the presence of mind to do so quietly. I remember being in absolute and utter shock that a praying mantis actually existed and that I had discovered one.

I remember whispering, “It exists.”

Then I remember staring at it hard for a long while and for the first time ever, from deep in my heart speaking out loud to God. I said, “You really did make this God– it exists and I didn't really believe it did…. somehow now I know You exist too.”

I sat in silence and watched it.... It stayed there longer than I did. As I watched it a peace flooded me like I had not experienced ever and even though I had always walked alone in my shyness I suddenly realized I never was really alone. God knew this heart was skeptical…. I wouldn't even believe a photo in a science book!

These two experiences were the combination that opened the door of my heart and mind to discovery and ignited a quest to know about eternity.

Here’s a nugget for you to read below…..

Psalm 65: 1-13 – The Message -

Silence is praise to you,
Zion-dwelling God,
And also obedience. You hear the prayer in it all.

We all arrive at your doorstep sooner
    or later, loaded with guilt,
Our sins too much for us—    but you get rid of them once and for all.
Blessed are the chosen! Blessed the guest    at home in your place!
We expect our fill of good things    in your house, your heavenly manse.
All your salvation wonders    are on display in your trophy room.
Earth-Tamer, Ocean-Pourer,    Mountain-Maker, Hill-Dresser,
Muzzler of sea storm and wave crash,    of mobs in noisy riot—
Far and wide they’ll come to a stop,    they’ll stare in awe, in wonder.
Dawn and dusk take turns    calling, “Come and worship.”

Oh, visit the earth,
    ask her to join the dance!
Deck her out in spring showers,    fill the God-River with living water.
Paint the wheat fields golden.    Creation was made for this!
Drench the plowed fields,    soak the dirt clods
With rainfall as harrow and rake    bring her to blossom and fruit.
Snow-crown the peaks with splendor,    scatter rose petals down your paths,
All through the wild meadows, rose petals.    Set the hills to dancing,
Dress the canyon walls with live sheep,    a drape of flax across the valleys.
Let them shout, and shout, and shout!    Oh, oh, let them sing!

It's Been Way Too Long...

2014-12-27T09:14:00.001-08:00

Way too long....When did I realize that?

When I couldn't remember the last time I blogged. Tsk, tsk to me... but life has been trippy.

(trippy? - I know that pegs me as an old hippie - and I guess I am... days gone by and all that.)

My little old heart is kind of welling up today....with gratitude. I have watched/experienced lots of life unfolding in the last two plus years or so...

Moved to the mountains, got hired, met lots of interesting people there in the mountains, worked hard to bring health to the org, realized the mountains are beautiful but not for me full time, wondered if it could be possible for me to move to Portland, OR, started praying and praying and searching for possibilities, visited Portland, and said out loud... "I don't need a lot of different job interviews, just one.... I just need THE one, got called for an interview, got called again and again and then received an offer, accepted it.

Yes as you probably know if you know me personally... That all happened, it took about 2 years and 4 months.... including the move.

That's kind of a lot of life in a short time.

And say what you like about it being due to my perseverance or whatever... but the bottom line is it wasn't me that opened the doors. It's the One I love and the One that created me.

Now I love my new job... work with a great team. I am looking for this one last thing to happen, well not the last really, but the next thing. Looking for my home.... one last transition.

I'll keep you posted.

It's Been a While and I Still Love Chocolate

2012-03-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

It's true, its been awhile since I've posted. Busy job hunting, gardening, enjoying time with friends, and reflecting, (*lots of reflecting) on what my next steps (big picture) should... could... will be.
In the midst of all of that reflecting I have also been doing quite a bit of experimenting with recipes. I have always been known to try new ones and make up many of my own. And my daughter's recent decision to go paleo exposed me to a whole different perspective (thanks Meggie). That, coupled with the discovery of my sensitivity to gluten ... so that is why my skin was so itchy!... and my determination to cut out cane sugar set my curious mind onto new quests in culinary experiences.
Surely dear reader, you can understand the dilemma - because I still love chocolate - I ~~wanted~~ needed to find a recipe I could call dessert and still be able to scream "Yes, I am meeting my goals" and had a comfort food sort of texture.. You know, that texture reminiscent of childhood, which ~~fortunately~~ included creamy things like... Junket, Instant Pudding, Bosco & Milk, Jello, and yes, even cream sauce made with Velveeta. And then don't forget
Grandma's Homemade Light as Air Three (or Four) Layer Frosted Cakes and Pies (read flaky crusts) and Mom's to Die for Buttery Sugary Cookies.

Finally I found a recipe I thought worthy of trying - But I was very, very, very, very skeptical.
Why was I skeptical? - Ask anyone that attended my wedding and tasted
~ My Carob Avocado Wedding Cake ~
(homemade by me, the crazy bride-to- be, who had no money & could do it all anyway)

Wedding Cake.. you know, the one reason people stick around after the meal. Mine? Um, it was unfortunately a dismal palate failure.
Hated, like spit it out on the plate, hated by ALL the guests and
loved by one lonely park ranger.
Yes, I left my reception with him happily munching on the whole cake. I was so shocked when I took that bite from my then husband, I mean it was so fragrant when I baked it. So... I didn't bother to run a taste test. Just call me foolish and embarrassed.
I google-d high and low to find you that recipe... but for some (gee I wonder why) reason I couldn't find the exact one.... You're welcome.

Setting skepticism aside I forged ahead and commenced my search. I saw a version first on Pinterest. Yes, I admit to spending a bit of time there. I followed the link but it wasn't quite what I wanted so I set to searching and found over at "Edible Perspective" a recipe whose photos said, "Amazing"
Though very skeptical, yet wishing so deeply for dessert, I went shopping for said required fruits.

Here is Edible Perspective's original recipe.

And now my friends here is the amazing .... smooth, velvety, chocolaty, healthy, low calorie, dairy free, cane sugar free, full of surprising fruit, tastefully reminiscent of childhood recipe story.
As I blended and tasted I tweaked the recipe just a bit. But still I must admit that as I scooped it into the little bowls I was VERY SKEPTICAL.
Why, you ask? Because frankly, it tasted AWFUL. ... not quite spit it out awful but pretty awful. Whispering in the recesses of my mind I heard my grandma and my mom saying, "the flavors have to marry and meld, just let it be in the refrigerator."

So I did.
And oh my goodness they were so right!
Now picture it.... I was alone, late at night, when I tasted the married version.

The outcome?.... Note the caption on my photo - (*I apologize for the lack of focus, I just got off the phone with Canon and I am sending my camera into them again on Monday)

As I scraped my last spoonful up, I said right out loud....

"Oh my gosh, this is seriously good (and giggled)!"

I even served it to a guest the next day and she promptly licked her spoon clean!

My version of the original recipe:

Chocolate Avocado Banana Pudding (serves 6) only about 135 calories each

2 avocados, ripe
2 medium bananas, ripe
6-8T unsweetened cocoa powder - I used 8
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
½ teaspoon cinnamon
1 Tablespoon Blue Agave
About 1/3 cup coconut milk (light)
Juice of about ½ fresh orange – watch your consistency, just enough to add a secret flavor

In a food processor or blender, combine the avocado + banana + vanilla and process until smooth. Scrape down the sides of bowl as necessary.
Add the cocoa powder and cinnamon and begin to dribble in the coconut milk to help keep the mixture moving and blending. Process until smooth. Add the orange juice squeezing lightly on the orange to let it drip into the blending mixture. Spoon into serving dishes or pile into an almond pie crust.
Refrigerate until ready to serve and add any topping you like.
Cover and eat within 2-3 days.

What do you think? Will you try it? Do you have a version of your own? Comment away please!

Something Similar*

2011-10-04T21:49:00.000-07:00

I was having dinner with friends recently - one of those spontaneous, "Do you want to stay for supper... and share our leftovers?", dinners.... Love those kind of invites (and they were really good leftovers too).

Like all spontaneous times it turned into one filled with rollicking conversation, which in turn got me mulling -

- Friend, that shall remain unnamed, had an idea for a blog.... You Are Not Your Checkbook ..... or Something Similar.
*Hence the title of this post.

Friend's point being, "There are a lot of people living in America right now that are very challenged by their situations and are in places they never thought they would be." (sort of an actual quote)

Friend was relating how so many have taken huge blows to their financial situations through the 2008 economic crisis, oh and 2009, and 2010, and wait a minute, good golly no wonder people are a little freaked, the 2011 economic crisis; that makes it the economic crisis that never stops or something. Right?

2008-2011 results: lost savings, closed businesses, revealed lack of 'some' people's business integrity, loss of jobs/ahem - hand up on that last one.

My friends surprised me that evening, I really don't remember that I was worried or concerned or voicing "what I will do next" but they were so very supportive... brainstorming ways for me to make money without really working or some such silliness... Oh that there were a way! Wait, is there a way? If you know, tell me quick!

Friend said, "You should blog on this topic I brought up and it should have a spiritual side to it because a lot of people are despairing over their checkbooks, over their lives."

So this little mass of words is that attempt. And this post is dedicated to you, Friend.

Maybe I should be worried, but I am not. The facts, as I see them, are that this is not the end.
And if it is not the end then we have, can choose, hope -
Most probably most of us have a tomorrow. (I mean no horror there but the bottom line is we don't know when we will draw our last earthly bodily breath.)
- And if we don't have an earthly tomorrow
- then we can know what is Next and embrace it
- and breathe deeply and lift our hands in praise.

So in this little mass of words, in this my next earthly chapter; this is what I have come up with so far ~~~

I cannot tell you what to do.

But I can tell myself what to do.

And share it with you.

Note to Self in Midst of New Chapter in Life; do These Things
1. Turn on music often.
2. Breathe deeply often.
3. Search your heart diligently and discover what your real desires and hopes are. Often.
4. Think about what it would mean to realize those desires and hopes. Get a plan.
5. Enjoy this period of time, it is a gift. Discover.
6. Search diligently and repeatedly, meditate, pray and seek. Activate plan.
7. Smile at people you don't know. All the time.
8. Cook for your friends. They will love it and so will you.
9. Apply for positions with regularity. Don't despair.
10. Notice Stuff. All the time.

And now for your viewing pleasure (and mine again)...

One of my moments practicing - Number 10. Notice Stuff -

Setting the Scene -
I was writing this post, suddenly, really it was suddenly, I looked up and immediately leaped (I wanted to write leapt, but spell check didn't like it so I succumbed to leaped) out of my desk chair (stop it, I know you are laughing as you picture that), grabbed the camera, ran outside, ripped off the lens cap and.... I just had to. Here is why....

All tonight, in that order, night sky coming on. Breathed deeply, yes I did.

And then this happened ~~~~

And this is what I thought just then, "Sun going down to greet someone on the other side of the world."

To greet someone on the other side of the world.

Someone who is struggling with who knows what.

And that thought, dear reader gave me my numbers 11 and 12.

11. Remember, don't forget, remind yourself, we are all in this together.
12. Push back, get outside your own despairing head, it is a dangerous place to dwell, live your life today, it is your today.

Thanks Friend and Friend's spouse - you rock. And next time, I will make the salad.

Don't Be

2011-09-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

The latest reminders in my life include:

Don't be surprised.
Truth is.
There are no coincidences.
Carelessness with the hearts of people = bad.

So here we go..... Don't be surprised...

So a new curve in my journey has arrived. I join the ranks of those "laid off due to lack of funds." Never been here before, still adjusting to the idea let alone the reality.
But I can tell you this... I am not alone. Thank you very much.
I don't mean there are scores of others riding the same curve (though there are). I mean... oh goodness, now I have to tell you a true story and it starts when I was almost nine years old... but quickly jumps to today. - In other words I won't be long-winded because I'm respectful of your time.

When I was eight I had a tough year, I was questioning a lot and didn't have a very creative teacher. But what we did have in class was a science book, that had excellent pictures of... bugs. We lived out in the country in a little town in Ohio.... Hinckley - Home of the Buzzards - that come back every March 15th - Yes really and there was a parade and a pancake breakfast and a buzzard in a cage... a circus red cage. I am, er ah - happy to report, the buzzards still come back and the township has in that great American way expanded their celebration check this out: http://www.clemetparks.com/events/buzzards_sun.asp

But I digress, sorry. So third grade was over and summer was mine. I explored the hillside behind our house sometimes with siblings and sometimes alone. I loved to go into the huge wild grapevine "houses" with, warmed by the sun, just picked, blackberries and sit in the shade and think.. and eat berries.

Truth is.

One day I was standing in the middle of the blackberry patch, covered in scratches from the thorns - because in the middle of the patch were the best and biggest berries you see.... when there just was a hush in the day. It was very sunny and there were birds chirping and all sorts of hillside noises but there was a very evident hush. I froze and there in front of me was a praying mantis. "Oh, it's like in my science book, I said out loud, "God you really did create this, this, praying mantis."
I realized two things in that moment. One: I had questions as to whether or not what my science book purported as truth was. And Two: I had a holy God moment right then. I spoke out loud to him and I felt his presence. I stood watching that mantis in it's praying position for a long time and then quietly backed out of the berry patch... berry-less and went home, I was pensive and silent and realized I had just experienced some truth.

OK, big deal, a moment in your little girl life, whatever, how sweet.

There are no coincidences.

Little girl grows up, doesn't see a praying mantis in person ever since that day. So now, it is many decades later (never mind how many decades later, just a lot).

It is my last day at work. You see, this isn't just the loss of a "job". It is the loss of a job I truly enjoyed with an organization with a mission I believe in.... it was a sad day.

I have worked hard to finish well, because even though I was laid off I had determined that last almost month would be productive and positive - and now it is my last day and it is a big day.

Alright, so I am flying around the house finishing up a few things and suddenly decide I should water the plants on the front porch. Please note: This is something I would NEVER do before going to work.

I go to pick up the watering can and see something on the underside of the handle. Uh, yes a praying mantis. And in that moment, the day in the berry patch flashed back to me. And it hit me. It's not a sad day forever - It is today, but there is promise of tomorrow and I am not alone and that is Truth and there are no coincidences.

The praying mantis stayed right there on the watering can for three days and everyday I would crouch down low and look at it and its multiple eyes would look at me and its antennae would wiggle and I would think, "It's going to dart, leave, vamoose.", but it didn't and I was glad.

Now, last thoughts....
Carelessness with the hearts of people = bad.

Since that morning I have experienced so many people being careful with my heart. You've called and emailed and invited me places and given me hugs and coffee and dinner and good conversation and lovely glasses of wine. Thank you.
I didn't even realize it at first, not till Saturday morning, when I heard a song on the radio, a duet and the woman was singing a refrain ..... - "I think I see you being careless with my heart." But you weren't careless, and it really has helped.

I cannot get that phrase out of my mind, how many people have I been careless with, whose heart have I injured or bruised?

How about you have you thought about that?

I keep thinking of that line and I keep thinking of that simple moment when I encountered my first praying mantis and the last moment when I encountered the next praying mantis - and I don't know, I am just glad that Someone chose to be careful with my heart last Friday, that whole weekend, that Always. It inspires me - to be sure that no one can say I am being careless with their heart. Its hard sometimes, but I think we can do it.

Really how about you, what do you think?

Being Stretched

2011-08-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

It looks like I am going to be experiencing the turning of a page. Closing a chapter and beginning another. For some reason getting comfortable in a chapter just isn't part of the journey I am on. Don't read me wrong, I would like to kick back and be comfortable and just live where I am but it hasn't happened very often in my life... especially since, um goodness I cannot even remember! Uh-Oh.

I'm not much of a conscious dreamer. I mean I don't sit around and think about what I want to do or wish I could do. I just have always done what is in front of me and tried to do it well. I did have a few dreams that came to reality. Two great kids. Founded the preschool, ran it, helped lots of families. I never dreamed of going to Africa, but I did... twice. I did dream once about moving to San Luis and did. I don't want to talk about the stuff that happened that was, well, terrible because of course I never dreamed of doing any of it.

But now I have two friends that have challenged me to really think about what I want to do. So I am, really thinking. It is frankly, ... exhausting.

I thought I was where I wanted to be... already, at least for now, but maybe not, maybe not.

I'll keep you posted.

Ethiopia on my Mind.... UPDATE

2011-02-27T16:15:00.000-08:00

It was one year and four months ago that I was in Ethiopia. - My life was/is forever changed and my heart deeply pierced.
We did not just visit Ethiopia, we made new friends and saw opportunities, possibilities for people. People that think and feel and hope EXACTLY the same as you and me... except their lives are so hard and exhausting I don't really know how they go on.
Do you remember the two words I came home with after the trip?
Thoughts.... "How will I ever begin to describe the people and the country of Ethiopia to my friends and family at home? Give me just two words, two that will help me tell about what I experienced. The country. The people.Two words that would describe both." That is what I wanted, and I got them.

Strength

Beauty

And now sixteen months later I add five more words. So now, when I say Ethiopia these words come to mind:

Strength

Beauty

Joy

Resilience

Perseverance

Life

Hope

Remember THIS picture?

I call it Hopelessness and Death

It was taken near the community of Tamma Mexi. This is where the people of the community come daily to gather water. Unless it is not the rainy season or there is drought. Because then this pit of of sickness and death dries up.
And then the women and children travel on foot over very rough terrain... Oh, what? ... rough terrain... what? I asked what that meant.
This is what the chief in Tamma Mexi told me. He said, "That means no animals, no carts... Animals cannot go there and that means no cart can either. So the women and children carry their jerry cans." Those jerry cans that weigh 1 pound each, they fill them and rest a short time....
Then they lift the jerry can filled with water.

They lift the jerry can that now weighs 41 pounds and carry the water back to their homes.

And that takes 8 hours every day.

And yes, that water too is the same quality as the water pit near their homes.

Not Safe. Not safe for human consumption.

But that is all they have, so they consume it, because they are thirsty.

Just like you and me.

Here are some of the children I met that day - Notice how their clothes are mostly beige, brown, dingy? That is because the water they have is not only their drinking, cooking and yes, bathing water; it is their laundry water too - it stains their clothing.

When we left I cried. But the people stayed there, because that is their home.

So home we went. We had a project plan and funds were raised and so we could stomp on injustice - the work could begin.

My colleague, Kiera, is in Ethiopia right now. This morning, wonder of wonders we were able to chat online - She filled me in on what she was seeing and sent me the pictures of Tamma Mexi that she took a few days ago.

Here is the pit of water today.

Empty.

No rain since May.

But that is not why it is empty.

It is empty because the water is captured now at the spring, where it is safe.

So now let's call this

Health and Freedom

Look close and note the sign says, "Hand Dug Well" - That's right, no big machines could get in there. So. Hand dug. By the people.
People of strength and beauty.
The people that sixteen months ago said, "We ask for help, we are ready to work, we will do the work." They meant what they said.
Kiera said that though people were not drawing water when she was at the pump she saw them in the community, and good health is evident. (Yes! Fist Pump)
She was happy to report "I drank water from the pump." She could do that ... Because now the water in Tamma Mexi is SAFE WATER.

This kind of giving and helping is called - Helping without Hurting -
It is a hand up, not a hand-out. It is a good way to work to bring true help to real people, people that are just like you and me. You might want to consider a couple of these ideas -

Check out this website.
Order the book.
Read it.
Spread the word.
http://www.whenhelpinghurts.org/

For reflection and more true stories; consider this idea.
Eight short chapters, one a week for eight weeks. Do it alone, do it in a group.
http://www.lifewater.org/significantsacrifice

Bring dignity to lives. Do something significant and lasting.

Offer a real hand-up not more dependence.

Please.

Puppet Truths and Appreciation

2011-02-06T08:50:00.000-08:00

I like puppets. I like that you can make them be whoever you want them to be. Mr. Rogers was good at that. Wait, don't leave me... read on, please.

He created this puppet and gave him these qualities:

Who is King Friday the XIII? (voiced by Fred Rogers) - He is the imperious monarch of the Neighborhood. He is relatively egocentric, irrational, resistant to change, and temperamental, although open-minded enough to listen when told he is wrong. He has a fondness for giving long-winded speeches and using big words. Despite these qualities, he's basically a good regent, capable of summarizing the lesson he has learned after something has gone wrong.

A friend posted this quote this morning. It has me thinking and pondering....

In his 2001 commencement address at Marquette University, the late Fred (Mister) Rogers said: "For a long time I wondered why I felt like bowing when people showed their appreciation for the work that I've been privileged to do. What I've come to understand is that we who bow are probably-whether we know it or not-acknowledging the presence of the eternal: we're bowing to the eternal in our neighbor. You see, I believe that appreciation is a holy thing, that when we look for what's best in the person we happen to be with at the moment, we're doing what God does. So, in loving and appreciating our neighbor, we're participating in something truly sacred."

Mr. Rogers & King Friday XIII

I realized when I read the quote that my thoughts about eternal things - Er... please read 'things', people - has not been sacred enough.
Mr. Rogers! you connected some dots for me. Thank you, sir!

What I knew....
There is eternity - I am me housed in a body.

I had heard about the eternal living in me and others, and believe it.

Appreciating other is a good and right thing to do.

But this picture that he spoke. Stops me in my tracks. Actually it stopped my heart with a giant check mark.

Flashback to one post earlier... Splinters and Planks.... I have so much more to learn. The older my body gets the less I know. It's like my younger body with it's thick walls and strong beams keeps some eternal realizations OUT.

Could it be, as my body grows older, more of the depth of the eternal can get in? As the walls of this world around me weaken can I see out the cracks to the future of what is true and eternal?

I don't know. I'd like to think so.

House with "eyes" looking out and up

But honestly... Today, after this many years here... how many? Um, 60.

As I was saying, after this many years here, I know little of what is really, really real. Because here in this place I see darkly. But someday, I will see clearly. And that brings me peace.

Maybe we should think of our time here like this....

"I have never really considered myself as a TV star I always thought I was a neighbor who just came in for a visit." - Fred McFeely Rogers

Splinters and Planks and Planks and Splinters

2010-12-09T21:38:00.000-08:00

This post has been awhile coming, it's been brewing and running through my mind - back and forth, back and forth for about six months.
Tonight, as I left TJ's with my groceries it HIT me.

"Write it tonight." So here goes.

Planks and splinters are EVERYWHERE.

In YOUR eye I SEE a big old plank...

and in MY eye... ha - there, what do I see?

a tiny splinter.

HA.
- The truth is this:

In MY eye is a giant, ge-normous BEAM.
And it blinds me - all the time it blinds me.

And really in your eye what I should realize and see is a teeny, tiny, ever so teensy splinter.

In other words....

What I SEE in others and think is so dirty, so bad and so disrespectful and so immature and so wrong, so evil, rude, pompous, and prideful.....

WELL
It is absolutely NOTHING compared to what my own real stumblings, mistakes, judgements, prides, attitudes, frustrations, and angsts are.

See, I see others and see all this stuff that is just well, frankly, bothersome and crap. But really, I am the one with the problem.

It shouldn't really matter what is in anyone else's heart or what they are doing, what does matter is what is in my heart and what I am doing. (No don't start protesting here, don't start quoting stuff in your head... about the heart or other people's actions and choices... read on, get the whole thought)...

The thing that matters, I think, the very most is this:

Can I, will I, ask God to show me what HE sees when he looks at the person that I THINK has a plank in their eye? OR am I just too busy staring at the perceived by me plank in their eye to do that?

Am I so sure that what is in my eye is a splinter is so teeny, tiny, ever so teensy? - I mean really... am I?

When I was about eight years old we were attending this church. A church of brick with nice people and a little class for kids my age. I liked it. I learned stuff. We had this workbook and every week we would hear a story and then look in the workbook and see a small illustration of the story and then, I am sure - fill in the blanks, cause when you were eight back then that is how you participated.

So anyway, there was one week where the picture showed these drawings... stick sort of persons that were mostly HEAD. Two of them.

Coming out of one of the head's EYES was a giant, I mean a ge-normous PLANK. BOOM! They had my attention! The plank head was just looking and staring and fixated on the teeny splinter in the other head's eye. And plank head was frowning and had his arms crossed and was all judgmental and squinty eyed.

That picture totally mesmerized me. I kept looking and looking at it. I asked the teacher if I could take the workbook home, I wanted to show it to my parents, but the answer was no. Cause back then, you left your workbooks in the room. period.

OK SO....I just
kept staring at the picture and there and then I experienced a moment of understanding and change.
I made a decision.
I went home that day and I just had a different view.

But,
I STILL sometimes (a lot of times) thought/think

ha, ha, ha I ONLY had/have a splinter in my eye...

BUT
EVERY-SINGLE-DOGGONE-TIME.....

I was/am WRONG.

I always had, have and will have here on earth a ge-normous PLANK in my eye - and I better be doggone sure that I am working on getting it out of my eye, cause it blinds me...

- I NEED A CRANE, A CHAIN SAW, A GIANT PAIR OF PLIERS, A CROWBAR, a something, some tool that will do the job and I need to use it on my own PLANK.

Not anyone else's... splinter.

I am NOT trying to sound self-righteous or perfect because I AM SO NOT ... SO NOT.

But tonight, like other times I have blogged, I just felt so very COMPELLED to write and I had to write and share this weak and sad part of me.

May I always when in my own stumblings, mistakes, judgements, frustrations, and angsts STOP myself and ask...
please show me how to change... in fact, change me.

AND, secondly,

Instead of seeing another person's stumblings, mistakes, judgements, frustrations, and angsts AND dirty, bad and disrespectful and immature and wrong, evil, rude, pompous, and prideful STUFF,

.....may I instead ask God to show me what HE sees when he looks at them. Cause he sees stuff like I don't - he sees people, every one of us with love, always.

"if what you see by the eye doesn't please you
then close your eyes and see from the heart.
Because the heart can see beauty and love
more that the eyes can ever wonder." - Unknown

Favorite Things -

2010-10-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

I am in a "pick up your heart and brain and appreciate everything about life" mode. What? Rolling your eyes, are you? I saw that. Well it works for me.
So there. And here goes.

I like...

Listening. To my kids - John and Meg and Andy and grand Rockford. To other people.
Conclusion on this thought: I like to listen, mostly.

Hearing and Moving to: MUSIC. Van Morrison, Mark Knopfler, Bonnie Raitt, Joni Mitchell, Emmy Lou Harris, Dire Straits, Lyle Lovett, Paul Simon, Carole King, James Taylor, Fleetwood Mac, Eva Cassidy.
That is just a start.
Do NOT ask me to put them in order of LIKE.

Discovering. Anything. Especially if something new.. Meaning I forget I know about some things. Meaning I am often easily delighted.
Ha. Ha. I know that is what you were doing just then. Laughing at me. That is just fine.

Because another thing on this list is...
Laughing. Hearing it. Doing it. Causing it.

Remembering. What I forgot. What it was like to be a young mom. And memories in general. They are so sweet. Especially the good ones. The others... pfft, they are OVER.

Breathing. In crisp, cold, fresh air. And I like breathing in general as well. I find it important to daily life.

Looking. At African Violets. Up into the trees. Across an expansive valley. At anything Yosemite. At Rockford. The Sky - daytime, nighttime, any weather, anytime.

Watching. Trees sway. The staid and solitary 'praying mantis'. Ladybugs. Bees. Owls. Flowers nodding. Birds as they take flight. Birds landing. Birds watching the world around them. Birds hopping. Birds in the birdbath. (Someday I will blog you my history with birds. You will be amazed. And my 'praying mantis' story is a good one too.)

Smelling. Hay. Fresh cut grass. Rain. Spices. Herbs. Roses. Lavender - Big, huge, bunches of it. Indian food. Thai food. Italian food. BBQ'd chicken, beef, lamb, fish. Strawberries. Peaches.

Good golly that must mean I like to....
Taste. Indian food. Thai food. Italian food. BBQ'd chicken, beef, lamb, fish. Strawberries. Peaches. Foods that call for lavender in the recipe.

Speculating. Which can get me into trouble. BUT LISTEN. Sometimes it is the way to think something through and assess to bring decision.

Touching. Lots of things. Soft things. Animals. A gentle touch to someone's shoulder. Rockford's cheeks. Velvet. Hay. Vegetables... as I pick them warm from the sun, from a garden.

Ignoring. Pompous people.
And Mistakes people make. Which leads to - appreciating them for who they are.

I could, if I chose to, go on.
But I won't. Cause I am betting you are getting a little bored with this post.

So stop thinking about ME and tell me about you.
Where is your heart and brain? What's your list look like. Think it out, do it, go to Comment.

The Box

2010-10-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

Oh.
Boy.
I took a little drive yesterday. I had a bit of a mission that I wasn't so sure about. I made very sure, oh so sure, I was driving at below the speed limit to extend mission arrival. I needed to be in charge, in control and I knew it. To bolster myself I very, very, yes, very purposefully took note of things along the way. Some of those things bring me peace always... but some of the things I noticed on purpose so I wouldn't have to think about my mission.

Quite fortunately, my mission destination was in Morro Bay and so being a lovely SLO afternoon the highway was full of just plain stunning views. Interestingly, I saw no herds of animals or other living, grazing creatures - that was, well, strange. Even the birds didn't seem to be out and about though it seemed that the air currents above would have been perfect for soaring. So I looked at the rocks, trees, hills, and meadows and when my brain started to spin itself the nasty way it seems to lately; (poor me) I looked at the cars I was passing and the people in them. And again, interestingly, they all looked deep in thought and frankly, not very happy thought. Hmmmm.

Quite suddenly the sun was gone and the fog dropped down around my car and I thought, "Oh, fog. That is about right." I glanced to my left and saw the mission's destination. The building seemed to jump out at me from across the highway where it sits on the frontage road. Oh, already here. Hmmm, again.

I take the exit, then the roundabout, and come to a full stop, not a California stop and look both ways. Slowly and very carefully. Pleasantly, I wave someone through the intersection. I am on the frontage road.

I have had this feeling before. I do not like it. I do not like it. I do not like it. I slow down and take a deep breath. And say to myself, "Just keep driving and look for the entrance, go in and park and oh, I know, use the restroom first... - Should I also comb my hair, put on a bit of gloss?"

I pull in. Park in a disappointingly familiar spot. Take a deep breath, lean back on the head rest, close my eyes and open the car door. Stepping out I am struck by... nothing. I cannot think of another thing to do, not one, except,..... go in the door. So I do.

I follow my plan, smile, and pleasantly ask for the restroom. She smiles, sort of, "Here for a pick-up?" I nod..... she directs me to the restroom. It smells faintly like cigarette smoke but is clean. Taking my time... ha. I wash my hands and wrinkle my nose.... I hate soap that smells like food... passion fruit... ick, more like wet fruit loops. Yes, that is what I thought at that moment, anything, think of anything except.

Exiting I walk to the office but from behind me I hear, "I'm over here." Right by the door, the exit. OK, this will be quick. I sign where indicated and she gestures to the Box on the mantel. "There 'he' is"., she says.... creepy.

Yes, it is my dad's ashes. I smile, sort of, and comment foolishly, - "Oh the Box is bigger than I thought." "Yes, she says avoiding my eyes, we usually use a MUCH smaller box but there was no way for him." I chuckle, sort of, "Yes he was a big guy."

I pick up the Box and
go. to. my. car.
I am walking in a daze. surreal.

I open the passenger door and set the Box down, now I am in a hurry, I want to leave fast. I jump into the seat, turn the key and begin to back up. And stop. All of the sudden I am overwhelmed with a strange feeling. I look to my left and see a woman, I look straight ahead and stare at the building. Then - I look to my right and look at the Box and say, right out loud....
"OK, so here WE are." I sigh, "I feel like I am supposed to DO something, but I don't know what it is! - any ideas?" (silence) I back the car out and drive away, Box there, and think...

Get a grip, think about what you know. And thankfully I can do that.

This is what I know and so this is what I think to myself.

He's not here, he is there and it is ok, (smiling) and wiping my (MY) tears away I go on because as I remind myself; when I woke up this morning I was filled with a deep sense of knowing that I had moved, beyond coping to Living again.

Living here, where I am and that is a good thing.

The Box? Yes I have it, sitting there on the shelf for another day. A day or a weekend, when we will gather and remember and scatter and cherish our memories and each other. And that will be fine, just fine.

It's a New Feeling

2010-10-16T22:18:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's no secret, I am let's just say... older. I have two grown kids, a grandson, and past careers spanning purchasing for a department store, owning a catering business, running a home daycare, teaching and directing a preschool, founding a non-profit organization, and now working in international development. But I am just the same as everyone else. I have the same fears, worries, and now another new "feeling". This sounded crazy to me in the past when an adult said to me, my parents have passed and now I am an orphan." I would be, in my mind, really it is not the same as it is for a child. And it isn't, but there is definitely a different something there.
It is just not the same kind of thing as when my grandparents or brother passed or even when mom passed 6 years ago..
I always knew no matter his thoughts or condition, if I needed or wanted to I could call my dad and he would listen and either nod his approval or look me in the eye and show his emotion, his thought... Those looks ranged from - "what are you crazy?" to "oh no, I don't want that for you" to " I want something else for you" - he really at this age (thankfully I am sure) didn't have to say much... but those looks always gave me pause and made me think it through just a little bit more. So, ah, yes, this is different.
Don't get me wrong it wasn't like I was running to him for his thoughts and go ahead all the time. It was just that he was always interested to listen and the best thing of all was when he got that "pleased as punch" look on his face. That was really good.
So I am navigating a little differently now. I am thinking more and also of course, thinking "what look would dad give me right now"....?
Listen people, no matter your age, when it comes to your parents you will always be their little boy or girl. That is just a fact. But of course, if we choose to, and I did with my dad, we can also have an amazing friendship with our parent.
That is what I want/try/hope I accomplish everyday with my kids - it is a tension, a balance, cause they have their own lives and minds and plans. And they should, they better, that is healthy. So I balance the best I can and just love them for who they are, encouraging them and not being afraid to quietly reveal a little bit on my face... or NOT. Cause that is just as important if not more so sometimes. I mean seriously, who I am to judge? And all in all that is the one HUGE thing I learned from my dad. He just didn't judge me, he just never seemed to be jealous, or hateful, he just had this amazing thing that happened in his heart and mind in the late 60's - His capacity to love was altered for the good. And that helped him to look and shrug off what he needed to.That is what I am seeking, cause though he was often misunderstood, and made many mistakes, and was even considered by some fools foolish, he wasn't. He knew how to love unconditionally.
What do you look to do, to be to share with your family or friends? Thoughts?

Letting go - it's hard.

2010-10-03T00:09:00.000-07:00

I have been letting go of a lot of emotion these last few days. I am not known as one to cry. So when I woke up yesterday and truly, before my eyes were really open burst into loud wracking sobs - I can only say... I was shocked.

But I have also had some soft and silent, peaceful and dripping with joy, moments. I know that sounds pretty dramatic, but that is the only way I can describe them. I mean I still cry more then I have those moments I just described - but that is because I am icky, fleshly and human and self-centered. (And doggone it I miss my Dad. - woman stomps foot)

As I think about grief I think that is a lot of what grief is... I think it is icky, fleshly and human and self-centered, and for heaven's sake so out of control.. I mean it just takes over when it feels like it and then suddenly it is gone... for a while.

I know, I know, it is that we miss our loved ones. Are you thinking right now, "Really woman, you should stop beating yourself up and just roll with it." Wait though... you have to admit that it is kind of all about ME missing someone - and I hate the part of me that thinks about myself more than others - it so prevalent. ICK.

Think about this...

In eternity; there are no tears shed (except maybe tears of joy), there is no pain, there is no emptiness, no thought of one's need, no wondering, no anguish, no worrying, no anything I don't like.

I believe that when someone is "there" they can still see me - so I am sure they aren't missing me the same way I am missing them... at least I don't think they are. I believe yes, that they are waiting for us, but they just know it all so they can wait in joy - I even wonder if they know when we will be there. - Or are they just hanging out watching and waiting and looking at the calendar wondering? Ha! That's a funny picture in my brain now.

Today we had a little tribute to dad and just as we finished saying goodbye to a few people and clearing everything to inside, there was a huge clap of thunder and it began to pour. BUT the sun was so brightly setting, the clouds white with just a hint of grey - it was lovely, I mean seriously it was.

We stood under the eaves and someone said, "Look, look straight up, the drops are huge and they are sparkling!" And you know what? They were. Sparkling and glittery and falling straight down, very straight - We were all exclaiming that we had never, ever seen that before.

Suddenly, and it was suddenly, I took a deep breath and I realized... the air was completely fresh and clean - like even more than usual.

I remembered having a thought drift across my consciousness yesterday, "It's going to rain tomorrow and it will be significant." And it did and it was.

My sister said, "What do you think this means?"

This is what I told her; "I think it is just dad saying he is washed clean of everything, including his ties to this earth, he is free and just full of joy and so happy."

When I said that out loud, right then is when I had this incredible burst of dripping joy and I could see, in my mind's eye, my dad, smiling at me with those blue eyes twinkling.

It was very cool.

I remember as a kid, living up on the top of a hill in Ohio - My dad taught me how to look out the picture window and way across the vast valley and watch the rain come across to the hilltop. "Watch, watch," he'd say, "Do you see it moving our way?" Then almost every time it rained it seemed like he would say, "The air is fresh and clean after the rain."

And one day, I could see it the rain was coming - I remember looking up at him and thinking, "Wow, I see it." Then I remember him opening the door to the back yard and breathing deeply... "Can you smell it, can you Lisa? It is so lovely after the rain." Just one statement. One true statement.

What do you believe? What do you think about grief? Please leave your comments ~ I would love to hear from you.

I love my dad

2010-09-30T18:53:00.000-07:00

I love my dad. From the first moment of my life we had this special thing. My mom was very sick and I bonded with my dad in a way I cannot even put into words.

My dad died last night, passed to the other side. And I, I was blessed to be there with him. - To hold his hand for the last two hours of his life and tell him of my love for him and hear him tell me things I will never forget.

God gave that to me. And I am forever grateful. After I was there with him for just a few minutes in the emergency room, I saw that he was pretty stabilized and for a very little while I thought maybe the premonition I had just a few days earlier was wrong. But then he looked me deeply in the eye with his beautiful blue ones and he said, "You are such a pretty girl." - You see, I knew right then that he was going to go soon.

Why? Well, I was the firstborn of four, the first grandchild, the first great grandchild on my mom's side. Let's just say that I was pretty much the center of a lot of people's lives. My mom and I had almost died as I was being born and we both pulled miraculously through, despite a nurse telling her we were both going to die.

My goodness. All the time, everybody told me ..... I was pretty. But my dad, my dad was the one that said it the most. So much that my first word was not ma-ma or da-da but.... pretty!

So when my dad looked at me last night and said it again in this certain way he had, I just knew, this little sentence, this grasping so hard of my hand, this looking in my eye and letting some fear show... "what is going on daughter, what is happening to me?", meant something, something big. He was confused just a little, and kept forgetting where he was, and ya stuff.

But he knew me and he talked to me and loved me one last time in the here and now.

The the nurse came in, time for some more of "that medicine" that will help his heart even out a bit, the last dose has completed its course. She explained, he looked at me, this will help your heart Dad, it is beating so hard. Yes he agreed it was beating so hard. With a wave of his hand he ok'd the medicine.

But then just as she was to begin, he looked at me again.... and his eyes were wide and bright and I don't know I just saw something there. I thought to myself, no, he is going to go now. Then he said oh so loudly, my head hurts! And then his body just had done it's job for as long as it could and I saw him go. I felt him go straight out of his body into a better, much better eternal place.

And all the sudden the doctor was ready to start extraordinary measures. But dad had said, no and signed the paper to seal that years ago. I told the doctor, I appreciate that you care (he had tears in his eyes) but he is already gone. He said, "I want to respect his wishes, can I do just one little bit of medicine?" I said, "OK"... but as he did that I turned and looked at the monitor and watched where they told me to. I said, "It isn't going to work he is already gone. He is home and he is with his wife and his son, and his little great grandson, Tobin."

And I was right and I cried but I cried for me and inside I smiled for him.

Then I thought to myself... Oh and, he is there now with his mom and dad and sister and brother in law and some very dear friends that have been waiting for him. He is dancing and praising and worshiping the King of Kings and it is what he has longed for for ever so long!

It is hard, my dad taught me so much, and helped me just hold the course by his example. I am who I am because of the things he taught me about how to love people. He lived on this earth for 85 years and 65 days and he finished well. He had hard times and he had good times. I watched his whole life change in 1967 when he discovered what it meant to know Jesus. I saw him completely change and he was, well, transformed.

I watched him love and forgive and apologize and be strong and be afraid and always encourage me no matter what. And he told me things that it was ok to let go of and he was always right about that. But he never tried to control me, he let me be me and he saw my strengths and encouraged them. He was a really good dad.

In these last years we were friends and I am so glad I took time, spent weeks with him after my mom passed - they were together almost 60 years - He never really recovered from losing the love of his life. These last two months I saw the restlessness, I saw him get mad at his body as it betrayed him more and more each day, I heard him apologize that he needed help, and I was so happy when I could help him and tell him it was ok. I begged God to take him, because that is what my dad wanted and I didn't want him to feel like he had no more dignity...and he did. And it is ok, hard, but ok and right.

I am sorry for the ones I love that did not have the same kind of dad that I had. I wish that was different.

I wish everyone could have a dad like I did...do... He showed me love and it was pure and beautiful and because of it I know how much my creator loves me, really how much he loves all of us.

I'm Not Old Enough

2010-01-24T09:13:00.000-08:00

If you know me and my life you may have already figured out what the title of this post is all about... ?

It's this; I am going to become a grandmother and I cannot quite believe it.

Inside I am the same person I have always been and frankly at this time find myself muttering things like:
• It went too fast.
• I remember my mom saying "blank" (oh, gosh she was right)
• I wish I had done "this" differently.
• Will I be able to get to know my grandson living so far away?
• What kind of mistakes can I try (oh so hard) to NOT make.
• and ad nauseum.

It really and truly was yesterday I was pregnant and trading stories with women who:
• had never had a baby
• had at least one baby
• were pregnant with their first, second, third,(etc) baby
• in the midst of rearing
• done raising
• in the midst of releasing
• were full on grandmothers - who I might add were always just smiling like Cheshire cats and walking away to go out to lunch with friends
• etc., etc., etc.

It's no secret to anyone that I am one of those women that as a kid always DREAMED big about having kids of my own. My teen years were punctuated with babysitting and aiding teachers and interestingly visiting seniors in a convalescent home. I grew up with this innate sense of enjoying helping others. I still like to do that, help others I mean.

But frankly I don't like to do it 24/7. Who would? Um, in the past, me. For a large part of my life I did that - all the time. Now, I am very glad to help others from time to time. But now in the mix that includes helping me.

ALL of my close friends are grandmothers, veteran grandmothers in fact. It has been fun to watch them navigate the “becoming one” stage and see them figure it out. I only hope to do it as well.
• I will blunder
• I will fall
• I will make mistakes - all givens.

What I know for sure - I care about him... oh my gosh, I love him already!

I will really enjoy:

• getting to know him
• hugging, kissing and tickling
• playing peek-a-boo
• rocking and singing
• chasing and being chased by the little guy.

I will enjoy watching my daughter and her husband raise him and know they will do a good and thoughtful job. And I will be (am) thankful that they have lots of friends that will be around – what is better than another person that cares and loves? I cannot think of anything to top that. So when I mess up and say the wrong thing or do something I shouldn’t do I will take a deep breath and make "note to self" and then see if maybe it is time for me to take him to the park... or not. In other words, I just want to be a good grandma. (picture me, with BIG SMILE here).

Ethiopia I love you

2009-11-05T09:44:00.000-08:00

It's true, I love Ethopia. I love the people, I love the countryside, I love the amazing history of thousands of years, I love the wildlife, I love the flowers and stately trees, I love the avocado mango juice! But I don't love the poverty and the great needs of so many people. I want to fix it, I want to make a difference in lots of lives.... but I can only do my part to help.

I hope you have had time to look at the pictures I have posted on Facebook. I put them up so everyone can look. Even if they are not a "friend" of mine. Please take a moment and view them as if you yourself lived there. As if you yourself had to drink the water and wear the tired and dirty clothes. As if you had to wash your clothes and your body in the brown dirty water.... meaning your clothes and hair and skin are never clean and you are always sick with diarrhea.

The people of Ethiopia are amazingly resilient and hard workers. So many live in poverty with very little to live on. Mud huts and stick homes are the norm, apartment buildings and homes as we know them are few and far between. Our partners, who may live in apartment buildings still have to do their laundry by hand and cook all their food from scratch. Just to make the bread staple, Injera, takes 3 days.

A friend suggested that I should put my pictures on note cards to help raise money for the project in Ethiopia and I think that is a great idea. SO.. if you are interested in something like that just let me know what pictures you would like on your cards and I will work on making it happen. email me at
ms.lisazisa@gmail.com

As you can see by the pictures I have posted on Facebook; water is a great need and along with it training in basic hygiene, water management and sanitation. Yes, open deification is very prevalent not just animals, but people too. Somehow, over the last generations, these very basic habits have been lost. In talking to our partners they are aware and very puzzled as to what happened and when. But they are committed to working hard to make the tide turn!

The project that Lifewater is doing in Southern Ethiopia is almost fully funded. One of the stipulations of the grant is that for every $8.00 funded Lifewater needs to raise $1.00.... Maybe you could consider making a donation to help reach that goal?

Lifewater has recently been blessed with the ability to upgrade the website - here you can read lots of information and stories about projects and see the progress of what is happening. I hope you will look often.

As you can tell, my heart has really been grabbed by the needs of people around the world, I was so humbled and felt so sad when I thought of all I have at home. We are truly a rich people.

Thinking it through.....

2009-07-21T23:28:00.000-07:00

I have been doing some reading and really felt compelled to share this. As a point of reference, the author was British.

"I remember once when I had been giving a talk to the R.A.F. an old, hard-bitten officer got up and said, 'I've no use for all that stuff. But mind you, I'm a religious man too. I know there's a God. I've felt Him, out alone in the desert at night: the tremendous mystery. And that's just why I don't believe all your neat little dogmas and formulas about Him. To anyone who's met the real thing they all seen so petty and pedantic and unreal!'
Now in a sense I quite agreed with that man. I think he had probably had a real experience of God in the desert. And when he turned from that experience to the Christian creeds, I think he was really turning from something real to something less real. In the same way, if a man has once looked at the Atlantic from the beach, and then goes and looks at a map of the Atlantic, he also will be turning from something real to something less real: turning from real waves to a bit of coloured paper. But here comes the point. The map is admittedly only coloured paper, but there are two things you have to remember about it. In the first place, it is based on what hundreds and thousand of people have found out by sailing the real Atlantic. In that way it has behind it masses of experience just as real as the one you could have from the beach; only, while yours would be a single glimpse, the map fits all those different experiences together. In the second place, if you want to go anywhere the map is absolutely necessary. As long as you are content with walks on the beach, your own glimpses are far more fun than looking at a map. But the map is going to be more use than walks on the beach if you want to get to America."
- C.S. Lewis

I find this so compelling... what do you think leave your comments, please.

Kefir, Kefir, Kefir

2009-07-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

My newest healthy thing.... and one I will never leave Kefir. I used to drink it when I lived in Northern California. It was so hard to find though - you know those were the days when health foods were looked down upon and there was no such thing as a health food store. People that grew their own stuff were considered out of the mainstream and raw milk was impossible to find.... unless you bought Alta Dena and people were getting sick from it.
With the economy bottoming out and people waking up to what is local I am excited to suddenly find healthy food available in abundance. My next quest is to find raw, unpasteurized milk from a small farmer and make my own kefir. Check out this article and actually the whole site. You won't be disappointed!

Health benefits abound... including it is wonderful for lactose intolerant people. The health benefits list is so long that you should just copy and past this into your browser -
http://www.yourkefirsource.com/category/kefir-benefits

You will be amazed - Oh and if you have a source of raw, unpasteurized milk that you trust, get some kefir grains and make your own!

A sense of peace

2009-06-04T20:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true I am surrounded by a sense of peace. I like it, who wouldn't? I recently had a scare when I went in for my yearly check-up... fortunately no, there is nothing to be concerned about. But in the process I, of course, did a lot of research to see what I would be facing IF and what I could do to make sure that IF didn't happen I at least could make some changes that might help out with keeping the old body functioning.

Low and behold.... there were several things I found out.... one chicken if it is not natural, range, organic and every other healthy word you can think of, produces something called xenogestenes and those in turn can make a woman produce fibroids. Not good for any woman at any age, but in particular not something a woman my age wants, needs or hopes for.

So, I will pay excruciatingly high prices for fowl and just eat a bit less.... actually as someone I know pointed out to me, grocery chicken is shot full of water so when you buy an "everything healthy" bird that weighs 5 pounds you will get 5 pounds of bird (including bones). Now doesn't that make us all feel better? I mean really that means that our dollars really do go further purchasing "everything healthy". Overall, I do purchase very wisely and almost "everything healthy" but there is more I can do so I will. And while I do that I will be thankful that I can afford to do so.

Right now, I am having a great time visiting my nephew Jesse and his fam. We have been having a lot of fun, and laughing a lot too. My next hope and dream... to get a Wii and Rayman,; oh my it is hilariously fun. Tomorrow we will get ready for the Battle of the Bands they are putting on for the high school kids and Rise Up International and Meg and Andy will be here too.

Saturday, evening I fly home and get ready to go to Palm Springs with girlfriends next week for a couple of days. Off-season = CHEAP. Ye-Ha more fun ahead!

Then to top off all this "comp time" we will see Les Miserables at PCPA's outdoor theatre in Solvang. Followed by a mad dash to get ready to get back to work!

Learn new - keep growing

2009-04-19T14:49:00.000-07:00

I heard a report on NPR the other day that was really interesting -
The story? Well, let me just say, as I listened I was amazed.

The topic was Relationships - Saudi Arabia and the United States - the commentator was tracing from present day back to the interest the US has in the country. He listed off presidents from Bush to Clinton to Bush blah blah back and back. I almost turned the radio off but am so glad I didn't.

It seems that FDR, yes FDR, that is how far back the relationship traces... was flying over the country and looked out and thought.... Hmmm, looks like this is a country that could become a big agricultural hub, we should connect with them.

Now I don't know about you but my mind does not, repeat NOT work that way when I am flying and look down. What kind of an amazing mind, a creative mind, an entrepreneurial mind is that that God created!

- So FDR then went home and set to work looking for a way to meet with Saudi King Abd al-Aziz Ibn Saud, warrior king of his country.

After a lot of amazing negotiations FDR managed to get the king to meet him on a large destroyer, the U.S.S. Quincy in the Great Bitter Lake, Egypt.

The king, being a king, had certain things he wanted to bring with him.... for instance; a few of his special wives and 100 of his finest sheep. Now don't roll your eyes, this was his culture, his life and this is what warrior kings did/do. Don't expect that he should just be happy that the President of the United States wants to see him and on a big ship no less.

The two met and FDR noticed something.

You see he was looking for a way to connect with the king and he didn't know what or how he could figure that out. Until he saw the warrior king.... who was in his 70's and had difficulty walking... FDR seized the moment and presented the king with his back-up wheelchair. The result? The beginning of a friendship. FDR recognizing the need to respect the Saudi culture and knowing that smoking was taboo chose to smoke in the recesses of the ship, so as not to offend the king. i.e. respecting his culture.

And that's the story of how the United States of America and Saudi Arabia first became friends. The rest is let's just say an "oily history".

Hilarious Girl

2009-03-13T22:58:00.000-07:00

I love that I am getting old and I am still learning! HA! That's good.
So I have been taking an ounce of acai juice with a teaspoon and a half of flaxseed oil every morning for the last couple months... well I just added the oil two weeks ago. But hey I have a lot more energy and my dry eye is going away and my skin feels better. So good.

I also realized today that as I was listening to the local news hearing all these younger people being mentioned for either arrest or awards, etc. That as each name was said I was rehearsing the names in my mind; hoping that if it was an arrest I would NOT hear the name of a former student. I mean for heaven's sake, I was holding my breath! Love and caring runs deep. And by the way no arrests and one award for the home team! good. but not good for those who were arrested. sad.

I got one of those exercise balls. very fun.

Ha ha, I just noticed that every paragraph starts with "I" - I guess this is a self-centered thing these blogs.

Tomorrow should prove interesting. That's all I can say right now.
Peace

The Geography of Bliss

2009-03-08T18:16:00.000-07:00

I can't take credit for this title... it's the title of a book I am reading by Eric Weiner. He took a trip searching for the "Happiest Places in the World". http://www.amazon.com/Geography-Bliss-Grumps-Search-Happiest/dp/044669889X/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1236562274&sr=8-1

So far, I have read about a third of the book and he's having difficulty! It seems every country defines it a bit differently, happiness that is. It is often tongue in cheek and has caused me to chuckle out loud a few times.

I am glad I can say with confidence I have a lot around me that makes me happy. Good friends and all that, fun job and all that, good fam and all that. I am pretty sure that at the end of the book he is going to know what a lot of us already do. "Um, home is where the heart is, um, mom knows (knew) best, um love your work and be happy." Seems like the next line should be "love the ones you're with" or some other line from an old song.

On another subject I went for a couple of walks this weekend, nothing too huge, but the wildflowers are popping so I have to be among them. And I am glad that it is in the mid-60's and sunny. I like it cool, I like needing a sweatshirt when I walk. It won't last for long... the wildflowers or the sweatshirt weather - enjoy 'em while you have 'em I say.

Things I Know

2009-02-28T11:52:00.001-08:00

Thinking a lot about how life keeps on moving - I know I am still hung up on time. It is so interesting to think about though.
I am very fortunate, I have 3 friends that I would trust my life to. I mean if we were in a really bad situation I think we would all do our best to help each other out of it. That is something that a lot of people don't have.
So when I get uncomfortable with the things that I think should have happened in my life and didn't it is good for me to think on that.
What are the things that make me uncomfortable, that I think should have happened... or not happened in my life? Here is my list:
1. I should not have had to go through a divorce. It wasn't my plan when I said,"I do". My advice - don't live in a fog when you are young and think that everyone is thinking like you and has a healthy outlook on life; even when they talk like they do. If you do that you just might wake up on the first day of your honeymoon and say, "Oh my God what have I done?" But I didn't bail, I really tried and prayed and fasted.
2. I shouldn't have ever had a man look me in the eye and say, "you make too much money" - especially when it was when I was investing my life in the lives of families with young children. And especially because I don't have any retirement or own a home, etc. And especially when he was being paid probably almost 4 times what I was making at the time. (at least that is what someone said to me after they heard him say that to me.) His job? - pushing numbers around spreadsheets. Outcome in my life: that's proof - we live in a broken world.
3. The rest of my list is really to private to share here - so sorry.

Here is my list of the things I love that have happened in my life:
1. I made it this far and am happy and full of peace.
2. Ya, I am still proud of my kids. Speaking of which, if you are a mom whose kids are out of the house... you should watch Diane Keaton in "Because I Said So". I don't like the fact that her kids seem to be encouraged to sleep around, but there is one scene on her birthday where she is absolutely spot on in describing what it is like to be a mother whose kids are grown and what moms are supposed to do now. It is hilariously true.
3. I have been given a cool sister and despite our differences in life and lifestyle we really love each other and help each other - and like she said last week when we were saying good-bye on the phone: "when i started talking to you my back was really hurting and now I guess some good endorphiens were released while we were talking cause my back feels so much better!" Now that's cool and makes me think... I hope I have that effect on a lot of people, as opposed to being a pain in the behind!
4. I have discovered that I really like color, even more than I realized. And light. and the beach. and the mountains. And most of all. that I get to go and experience all those things most anytime I feel like it. I am so blessed to live here.
5. I have had many careers. And I have loved them all. Department Store Buyer, Caterer and Baker, Mother, Teacher, founder and director of a Christian preschool, and now managing volunteers for an international organization that cares about the people of the world that don't have even safe water, sanitation, effective hygiene or the knowledge of Jesus love. Which one did/do I love the most? Absolutely impossible to tell you. I do know that the ones I used to do I don't desire to do now... except baking, I love baking bread. But I don't because bread is fattening and I like to eat it.... while it's still HOT with real butter.
6. I have truly loved a few times, unfortunately they weren't capable of that too. But I have still loved truly and honestly and that makes me glad.

I hope your list like this one is long.