A New Day

do all things with love

2012-01-27T12:11:00.001-05:00

Just a quicky before I run out to the dentist. Fingers crossed for a good appointment and a fixed tooth. I'm feeling optimistic today, hopeful that we've put all the "yuck" behind us and are on an upward route now.

I have a article I want to share today... it made my heart fill, bubble over, and sing. I couldn't not share. Enjoy:

A Mountain I'm Willing to Die On
(text after break)

A Mountain I'm Willing To Die On
Posted: 01/26/2012 7:41 am

I've been watching America's response to recent bullying-related suicides closely. People seem quite shocked by the cruelty that's happening in our schools. I'm confused by their shock. I'm also concerned about what's not being addressed in the proposed solutions to this devastating problem.

The usual response seems to be that we need to better educate students and teachers about what bullying is and how to react appropriately to it. You can't argue with that. But on its own, it seems a little like bailing water frantically without looking for the hole in the boat.

Each time one of these stories is reported we tend to say some version of "Kids these days -- they can be so cruel." But I think this is just a phrase we toss around to excuse ourselves from facing the truth. I don't think kids are any crueler than adults. I just think kids aren't quite as adept at disguising their cruelty.

Yesterday I heard a radio report that the students most likely to be bullied are gay kids, overweight kids and Muslim kids.

Hmmmmm.

I would venture a guess that gay adults, overweight adults and Muslim adults feel the most bullied as well.
Children are not cruel. Children are mirrors. They want to be "grown-up." So they act how grown-ups act when we think they're not paying attention. They believe what we believe. They say what we say. And we have taught them that gay people are not okay. That overweight people are not okay. That Muslim people are not okay. Through our words and actions we send the message that these people aren't equal and they should be feared. We know that people hurt the things they fear. What kids are doing in the schools, is what adults do in the media. The only difference is that children bully in the hallways and the cafeterias while we bully from behind pulpits and legislative benches and in one-liners on sitcoms.

People are heart-breakingly sensitive. If enough people tell someone over and over that he is not okay, he will believe it. And one way or another, he will die.

So how is any of this surprising? It's quite predictable, actually. It's trickle-down cruelty.

I don't know much. But I know that each time I see something heartbreaking on the news, each time I encounter a problem outside, the answer to the problem is inside. The problem is ALWAYS me and the solution is ALWAYS me. If I want my world to be less vicious, then I must become more gentle. If I want my children to embrace other children for who they are, to treat other children with the dignity and respect every child of God deserves, then I had better treat other adults the same way. And I better make sure that my children know beyond a shadow of a doubt that in God's and their father's and my eyes, they are okay. They are fine. They are loved as they are. Without a single unless. Because the kids who bully are those who are afraid that a secret part of themselves is not okay.
*****

Dear Chase,

Whoever you are, whoever you become. You are loved. You are a miracle. You are our dream come true.

Chase, here is what would happen in our home if one day you tell your father and I that you are gay:

Our eyes would open wide.

And we would grab you and hold you tighter than you would be able to bear. And while we were holding you we would say a silent prayer that as little time as possible passed between the moment you knew you were gay and the moment you told us. And that you were never once afraid to tell us. And we would love you and ask you one million questions and then we would love you some more and finally, I would likely rush out to buy some rainbow t-shirts, honey, because you know mama likes to have an appropriate outfit for every occasion.

And I don't mean, Chase, that we would be tolerant of you and your sexuality. If our goal is to be tolerant of people who are different than we are, Chase, then we really are aiming quite low. Traffic jams are to be tolerated. People are to be celebrated. People, every person, Is Divine. And so there would be celebrating. Celebrating that you would be one step closer to matching your outsides with your insides, to being who you are. And there would be a teeny part of my heart that would leap at the realization that I would forever be the most important woman in your life. And then we would tell everyone. We would not concern ourselves too much with their reactions. There will always be party poopers, baby.

We just wanted you to know this, honey. We've worried that since we are Christians, and since we love The Bible so much, that there might come a day when you feel unclear about our feelings about this. Because there are a few parts in The Bible that discuss homosexuality as a sin. So let us be clear about how we feel, because we have spent years of research and prayer and discussion deciding.

Chase, we don't believe that homosexuality is a sin. Your parents are Christians who believe that the Bible is inspired by God, just like people are. And since the Bible is a living thing, it is in its very nature to evolve toward becoming more loving. We are to interact with it, to interpret it with our minds and hearts and souls. We are to consider the culture and time in which it was written and then consider the progress humanity's made since then. We believe that when those two things conflict, we are to consider the spirit of the law before the letter of the law. And to always choose mercy over judgment. Sometimes this means that we appear to be picking and choosing what we believe in the Bible. It's not really that, exactly, but it looks like that. And many will tell you that this approach to Christianity is scandalous and blasphemous. But the thing is, honey, that the only thing that's scandalous about this approach is admitting it out loud. The truth is that every Christian is a Christian who picks and chooses what to follow in the Bible, in one way or another.

Several years ago I was in a Bible study at church, and there was some talk about homosexuality being sinful, and I spoke up. I quoted Mother Teresa and said "When we judge people we have no time to love them." And I was immediately reprimanded for my blasphemy by a woman who reminded me of 1 Corinthians 6: 9-10 which says that none of the sexually immoral will inherit the kingdom of God and includes "homosexual offenders" on a list of those types of people.

But, I was very confused because this woman was speaking. In church. And she was also wearing a necklace. And I could see her hair, baby. She had no head covering. All of which are things that are sooooo totally against the Bible Rules. * And so I just assumed that she had decided not to follow the parts of the Bible that limited her particular freedoms, but to hold fast to the parts that limited other people's freedoms. I didn't point this out at the time baby, because she wasn't a bad person. People are doing the best they can, mostly. It's best not to embarrass people.

What I'm trying to say is that each Christian uses different criteria to decide what parts of the Bible to prioritize and demonstrate in their lives. Our criteria is that if it doesn't bring us closer to seeing humanity as one, as connected, if it turns our judgment outward instead of inward, if it doesn't help us become better lovers of God and others, if it distracts us from remembering what we are really supposed to be doing down here, which is finding God in every human being, serving each other before ourselves, feeding hungry people, comforting the sick and sad, giving up everything we have for others, laying down our lives for our friends... then we just assume we don't understand it yet, we put it on a shelf, and we move on. Because all I need to know is that I am reborn. And here's what I believe it means to be reborn:

The first time you're born, you identify the people in the room as your family. The second time you're born, you identify the whole world as your family. Christianity is not about joining a particular club, it's about waking up to the fact that we are all in the same club. Every last one of us. So avoid discussions about who's in and who's out at all costs. Everybody's in, baby. That's what makes it beautiful. And hard. If working out your faith is not beautiful and hard, find a new one to work out. And if spiritual teachers are encouraging you to fear anyone, watch them closely, honey. Raise your eyebrow and then your hand. Because the phrase repeated most often in that Bible they are quoting is Do Not Be Afraid. So when they tell you that gay people are a threat to marriage, honey, think hard.

I can only speak from my personal experience, but I've been married for nine years and barely any gay people have tried to break up my marriage. I say barely any because that Nate Berkus is a little shady. I am defenseless against his cuteness and eye for accessories and so he is always convincing me to buy beautiful trinkets with our grocery money. This drives your sweet father a bit nuts. So you might want to keep your eye on Berkus. But with the exception of him, I'm fairly certain that the only threats to my marriage are my pride and anger and plain old human wanderlust. Do not be afraid of people who seem different than you, baby. Different always turns out to be an illusion. Look hard.

Chase, God gave you the Bible, and He also gave you your heart and your mind and I believe He'd like you to use all three. It's a good system of checks and balances He designed. Prioritizing can still be hard, though. Jesus predicted that. So he gave us this story. A man approached Jesus and said that he was very confused by all of God's laws and directions and asked Jesus to break it down for him. He said, "What are the most important laws?" And Jesus said, "Love God with all your heart, mind and soul, and love others as yourself." When in doubt, Chase, measure all your decisions and beliefs against that. Make damn sure that you are offering others the same rights, courtesies, and respect that you expect for yourself. If you do that, you can't go wrong.

Chase, you are okay. You are a child of God. As is everyone else. There is nothing that you can become or do that will make God love you any more or any less. Nothing that you already are or will become is a surprise to God. Tomorrow has already been approved.

And so baby, your father and I have only one specific expectation of you. And that is that you celebrate others the way we celebrate you. That you remember, every day, every minute, that there is no one on God's Green Earth who deserves more or less respect than you do, My Love.

"He has shown you what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." - Michah 6:8

Love, Mama

P.S. We thought we should mention, honey, that if you're straight, that's okay too. I mean, it'd be a little anti-climactic now, honestly. But your father and I will deal.

P.P.S. As daddy read this essay, I watched his gorgeous face intensify. He teared up a little. Then he slammed the letter down on the kitchen table and said emphatically and without a touch of irony, "DAMN STRAIGHT."

Which, when you think about it honey, is really the funniest possible thing daddy could have said.

Love you Forever.

Follow Glennon Melton on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Momastery

hi, i'm going to be dramatic

2012-01-26T14:09:00.000-05:00

Dear God,
Thank you so so much for continuing to have my baby get a little better each day. But as for all this other stuff of the last two weeks (credit card crap, fights with coworkers, ear infections, late night ER visit, HFM, strep, and a broken molar!), to play off of Mother Teresa's famous quote: Please, don't trust me so much!!

xoxo,
Meegs

Dear Universe,
I apologize for whatever bad karma I put out there... it was completely unintentional, I assure you! And I promise to put some good karma out there just as soon as I can leave this house! Just please, no more. I don't know how much more I can take.

Good ju-ju,
Meegs

Thankfully Gwen is feeling better and better each day. Her mouth only seems to bother her occasionally when she's eating, and there are only a few blisters left on her hands and feet. Her impetigo is almost completely cleared. Its so hard though being home all week and completely housebound though. We've read every book, done every puzzle, played with every toy, and colored with every pen or marker in the house. We had a dance party earlier, but it wipes me out. If it were a normal week, no problem... we'd go for walks, go to the playground, etc. Off limits at the moment. Well, we could go for a walk, except that is cold and wet out... so, no good for a sicky and a just now getting to be not sicky! Lol. I'm going to have to put on my thinking cap and come up with some new stuff to do, because we are both getting restless, and she's getting toddlery about it.

On a nicer note, her and Daisy are closer then ever.

Snack: apple and some oven roasted potato "chips" seasoned with rosemary and a touch of kosher salt.

Hopefully by tomorrow morning my throat will feel better because Trav is set to stay home, so I can head into work (48 hours on antibiotics... I'm cleared to go in). I have so much to do. (And crossing my fingers my dentist can fit me in.)

If you have some extra prayers, vibes, ju-ju, karma sitting around... send it our way?

update

2012-01-25T14:04:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posting... its going to continue, I'm afraid. The update...
Mama's got Strep.

Yup. Ugh.

Yesterday was the worst. I was just so tired and weak and felt awful. The night before had been another horrid night of little sleep, between a wakeful babe and fevers of my own. I hit the doc yesterday, got a prescription for an antibiotic, took some advil, forced myself to drink a breakfast shake (since I had no appetite at all), and napped with Gwen. After that I felt way better (though, still pretty crappy!). Trav brought me some wonton soup for dinner, and last night Gwen slept straight through! Meaning 6 hours straight, plus another 2 after Gwen came to bed with us.

I feel like a new woman today, though my throat is still so so sore. Hopefully tomorrow morning the antibiotics will have had enough time to get my throat feeling better. In the meantime, eating small bites and drinking lots of warm tea.

Gwen's blisters seem to be shrinking now. They are definitely smaller then they were two days ago. They seem to be bothering her less also. Definitely good. She's definitely still not 100%, but she's more herself each day. Her impetigo is so much better too. We stop the medicated cream tomorrow.

Can't wait to have a healthy household again!! Hopefully Sunday we can do a major sanitizing, and put this all behind us.

Send us healthy thoughts!

sleeping with my eyes open

2012-01-23T12:14:00.000-05:00

It has been quite the (long) weekend, and this Monday finds me almost asleep at my desk. I'm going to power through, but pardon if this is a little less then well written. I'm going the cheater's route and doing a brief day-by-day synopsis.

Thursday late late late at night: Gwen woke up crying hard and burning up.

Friday: Stayed home with the girl who was clearly sick... slept about 2.5 hours later then normal, took a 3 hour nap, in bed 30 minutes early. Highest temp 103.7*. Went to the doctor, double ear infection. Got antibiotic.

Saturday: Trav got up with Gwen like normal, but called me into the bathroom to check out her face... she had developed this weird rash around her mouth. Called the doc who told us to keep going with the antibiotic (no other signs that it was an allergic reaction), but to use hydrocortizone cream on the rash twice a day. Just stayed in and tried to relax.

Even when sick.. girl's got style!

Sunday: Gwen woke a ton throughout the night, thought it was the ears bothering her, but rash was much worse in the morning. Called and got an emergency visit to the doc. Doc didn't like the look of it, so changed out her antibiotic and prescribed an antibacterial cream for the rash. We head home and try to relax. Gwen is clearly uncomfortable.

Try to put her to bed (when she asked to go to sleep, almost an hour early!), instead spent an hour trying to console a wailing child. I kept asking her what hurt and she finally told me her feet. Turned the light back on and pulled off her PJs to find her feet covered in a blister-like rash, some on her hands as well. Call the on-call doc line, and get told to head to the ER.

So, off to C.H.O.P. we go. Thankfully it was almost empty, so we got seen quickly. The resident checked her over, then went to refer with his fellow, who came in to check Gwen, and then sent in the attending just to get a second (third?) opinion.

Apparently its Hand, Foot, and Mouth... a new/weird presentation of it that they had been informed of, but never seen. So the attending actually asked our permission to take pictures for a case study. Thankfully she should be better in 3 - 5 days... unfortunately there's nothing we can give her to speed up the process, just Motrin to help with the discomfort. And no daycare until she's completely cleared up. (On a nicer note, the ears seem to be cleared up. We were told to discontinue the antibiotic.)

We didn't get back home and into bed until 1, and Gwen was up almost hourly. I only got about 4.5 hours total and I'm exhausted today! Hopefully she'll sleep much better tonight.

She was a real trooper though, and I'm really proud of how she handled all the different faces coming to poke and prod her. Trav is off with her today, Wednesday and Friday; and I'm doing tomorrow and Thursday. Hopefully she'll be cleared up by then, with the weekend as a buffer, and will be cleared to return to daycare Monday.

Apparently she ate a good breakfast though and she's doing pretty well at home with Daddy. Fingers crossed that she sleeps well tonight, and is feeling better and better everyday.

craftiness...

2012-01-19T09:36:00.014-05:00

Monday I took advantage of my quiet day at home to finally get around to working on the necklace organizer that I've been wanting to make for a long time.

I started off with a plain wood framed cork board, and painted the frame:

I had picked up this pretty paper a while ago:

Cut it down to just bigger then the inside edge of the wooden frame:

Then carefully slide it under the edge of the frame and smooth:

I think it looks so cute, just as is! Next and last step is to add little hooks (the kind you can just screw in by hand), and hang my necklaces. I'll be sure to show a picture when I get the hooks.

Ta-da! :-)

Daisy {semi-wordless Wednesday} :: ETA: PIPA and SOBA

2012-01-18T09:17:00.007-05:00

Just a few pics of my sweetie pie Daisy, since the poor beast gets almost no picture love on here anymore...

We went to the tennis courts by our house on Monday to run around and work off some energy.

It was a lot of fun... though hard to get her so slow down for long enough to get any pictures in!!

Originally I was going to post just the above, but I felt the need to edit to include some information about PIPA and SOBA, bills currently being considered by the Senate and the House (respectively). You may have noticed Google's blacked out name, or that Wikipedia is completely blacked out. Here's why. Should PIPA or SOBA pass, any website seen as a threat to copywrite laws could be immediately shut down, as could any website which links to said site. This doesn't seem so bad until you think about it this way: any individual user on facebook could post a picture they don't own, and facebook could be shut down; I could post a link to a recipe on another blog, and if they post a video of themselves singing a song they don't own the rights to, they could be shut down, as could I.

Copywrite enforcement is serious. As a writer and photographer, I take it seriously. But these laws are NOT the answer. They are worse then the thing they are trying to protect against. They impact us all. Check out this video, then please, contact your local reps to tell them to oppose PIPA and SOBA.

PROTECT IP / SOPA Breaks The Internet from Fight for the Future on Vimeo.

in the darkness

2012-01-17T09:29:00.024-05:00

When I hear her cry out over the monitor in the quiet of the night, the tiredness can be so oppressive that it holds me in bed for an extra moment or two. I even find myself saying, "Shhh, shhh, shhh, Gwenie. It's okay." under my breath. Sometimes that's all she needs (the time... not my whisper from three rooms away!), and she drifts back off. When she doesn't though, I slide out of bed, slip on my PJ pants, flip off the monitor, and grab my sweater from the door handle as I pass by - slipping it on as I stumble down the hallway. I can do it all with my eyes closed. I have done it all with my eyes closed.

I'm so tired, but when I scoop her up from her crib, her weight is comforting. She's so small, my babe, but so big compared to what she was; head on my shoulder and feet hanging down past my thighs. Already our nights are changing. We don't nurse in the night anymore. We say goodnight to "milkie" after nursing before bed, before she gets into her crib, and don't nurse again until she comes to bed with us in the morning for our snuggle/sleep time. So comfort now - in the rarer and rarer occasions when needed - is in the form of mama's arms holding her tight while I stand, rocking back and forth, in the calm of the night.

I'm always eager to get back to bed, of course. Morning comes so quickly, sleep is so fleeting. But in the darkness, I can hold my growing girl and comfort her just by being close. There is something magic in that.

------

Linking up to Just Write.

crispy Parmesan turkey

2012-01-16T20:07:00.000-05:00

On a nicer note, despite the rough start to the day, my day off was really nice. I was just the right combo of relaxed and productive. Made a craft (which I'll show later in the week), took Daisy to run around the tennis courts, put away laundry, read blogs, and of course, cooked!

We already made red meat this week, but I wanted a break from all the chicken... so I thought it was a great time to try out this yummy looking recipe I'd found in a magazine:

Crispy Parmesan Turkey

1/2 cup plain dry breadcrumbs
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 tablespoon parsley
1 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest
1 large egg
4 (5 ounces each) skinless, boneless turkey breast cutlets
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
4 tablespoon olive oil
Lemon wedges

Heat oven to 200 degrees F.

In a pie plate, combine breadcrumbs, Parmesan, parsley, and lemon zest. In a bowl, beat egg with 1 tablespoon water.

Lightly pound turkey cutlets until they're 1/8 inch thick. Season on both sides with salt and pepper. Dip cutlets in beaten egg, then in breadcrumb mixture.

Heat 2 tablespoons of the oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Add 2 cutlets and cook about 4 minutes per side, until golden brown and cooked through. Place on a baking sheet and put in oven to keep warm.

Repeat with remaining oil and cutlets. Serve with lemon wedges.

For a side dish I did Acini Di Pepe pasta (little round balls!) lightly dressed with lemon juice, butter, salt, pepper, parmesan cheese, and parsley... to mimic the breading on the turkey. And green beans to complete the plate.

Best part, I had all the ingredients on hand, except for the turkey breast cutlets.

ugh

2012-01-16T11:14:00.000-05:00

Sleeping in on your day off = awesome.

Being woken up by your CC's fraud protection dept calling = the suck.

$1000 on my CC that I didn't put there. Ugh.
Thankfully they cancelled the number and a new card is on its way to me (well, I'll get it in 5 - 7... another ugh).

Still, not how I wanted to wake up!

2012-01-14T20:06:00.001-05:00

Trav had to go into work today because of problems with a project he's working on. Not anything his fault, but he spent about 5+ hours there today highlighting each issue, one by one, so that IT could fix it. No fun.

Gwen, Daisy, and I took a walk around the block. It was cold, but the fresh air was so nice, and we were bundled up warm. Nap today was overdue by the time we got done with lunch. An early wake up time + a bad cold = a tired, cranky Gwenie.

But then she slept for 2 hours and 40 minutes!

The rest of the afternoon together was beautiful. Just relaxing, reading, playing, and making this:

Chicken Pot Pie... so so good.

Girl was down by 7:30, too. Hopefully all the sleep will help kick this cold to the curb.

Recipe after break (different, better one then last time!).

Preheat oven to 350*.
Slice 2 chicken breasts into bite sized pieces, sprinkle with salt, pepper, garlic powder and rosemary, and saute in a large pan with a little butter or bacon grease until cooked.
Add diced carrots, onions, and corn; cook for a minute until slightly softened. Add minced garlic, stir and cook for another minute.
Add one, small can chicken broth, ~ 1 cup of cream, and a few tablespoons flour. Season with a shake of powdered ginger, 3 shakes ground sage, salt, pepper, rosemary. Mix well.
Add peas and let cook for one more minute while you spray your glass pie pan with olive oil spray. Pour chicken mixture into dish and cover with pie crust. Cut slits in top to vent.
Pop in oven for ~20 - 25 minutes, until pie crust is lightly browned and chicken mixture is bubbly and thickened.

Enjoy!

2012-01-13T13:59:00.000-05:00

Looking forward to a weekend snuggling and playing with this silly monkey...

nothing else planned, and I'm thrilled about that!

Enjoy your weekend!

food glorious food

2012-01-12T19:56:00.000-05:00

(Meant to get this up this morning, but the day got away from me. Super busy, but super productive too!)

I cooked a bunch on Sunday, and more on Tuesday (when I worked from home)... I got to use some new recipes, plus my immersion blender and dutch oven. ::warm glowy feeling::

(Pictures up top, recipes - as needed - below the break.)

From Sunday:
Pomegranate juice simmering and becoming lovely pomegranate molasses.

Pan roasted chicken breasts... the secret is bacon grease. That's always the secret.

Oven roasted brussels sprouts, drizzled with just a touch of that pomegranate molasses. Mmmm.

From Tuesday:

Thai Peanut Sauce, which I served over Rice and Shrimp

picture © She Simmers

Last night
(really, I made it Sunday, froze half and put the rest in the fridge for a dinner this week):

Pumpkin, Pear and Fennel Soup (from notakeout.com, but tweaked).

picture © NoTakeOut.com since I freakin forgot to take one... doh!

Recipes after break... let me know if you try something!

Brussels Sprouts:
Preheat oven to 350. Wash and halve brussel sprouts; toss with salt, pepper, and olive oil. Place on baking sheet (lined with foil). Place in center of oven for 30 minutes. Flip 1/2 way, and add more olive oil if looking dry. Optional: Once done, sprinkle some pomegranate molasses.

Pomegranate Molasses:
If you can't find this at your grocer, simply add 100% pomegranate juice to a small soup pot and bring to a boil, reduce heat slightly and let simmer until reduced by 2/3, stirring frequently. To make it a little more savory, add a dollop of balsamic vinegar at the beginning.

Pumpkin, Pear and Fennel Soup:
(Below is how I made it, with my tweaks.)

Trim the root ends and most of the green from 2 medium leeks. Slit them down their length, rinse well under cold water, and thinly slice. Put them in a strainer and rinse again.
Peel 1 medium acorn squash. Cut in half, scrape out the seeds, and cut into 1-inch chunks. (Actually, easier - cut in half and scrape seeds, then cut in each indent, peel separate pieces, then cut into chunks.)
Peel, core, and chop 2 large Bartlett or Anjou pears.
Grind or coarsely chop 1-1/2 tsps. fennel seed.
Place 2 tbsps. butter in a stockpot over medium heat. Add the leeks and sauté until softened, about 3-4 minutes.
Add the squash, the pears, ~ 2 Tbsp ginger paste (or 1 in fresh ginger diced), the fennel seed, 3.5 cups chicken or veggie broth, and 3/4 cup of water to the stockpot. Increase the heat until the liquid boils, then reduce the heat so it simmers. Cook until the vegetables are soft, about 25 minutes.
Puree the soup until it is smooth. If it is too thick, thin it with either apple cider or water. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Makes four dinner servings. They suggest garnishing each with a dollop of crème fraîche or yogurt, and a sprinkling of cinnamon. We ate "plain" and it was delish.

time flies when you're something something

2012-01-11T15:49:00.001-05:00

We took down our Christmas decorations last night. It made me a little sad, thought I know its definitely time. I'll just have to find other ways to keep that "Christmas feeling" alive. Like maybe watching Carol of the Bells (my favorite Christmas song), Muppet Style, over and over again:

What's not to love about that?! I hit play anytime work gets too much for me lately, so I've listened to it 300,000x this week.

Since my post on mama guilt, I went to the aforementioned jewelry party and had a wonderful time! No guilt. Gwenie and Daddy did just fine together too.

Reading together in the a.m.

Which I like to hear... especially since Trav and I talked, and I am going to be joining Lauren and a number of other friends for her 30th birthday extravaganza in Las Vegas come October. ::gulp:: It will be my first time away from her for more then a night. Trav's first time doing an overnight on his own. So many things to figure out. But I'll worry about them later. A LOT can change in 9 months.

Right now, I'll worry about this:

There is decor to buy, food and cake to figure out.
How is my baby going to be 2?!

A food post tomorrow, I've been doing a bunch of cooking.

mama guilt

2012-01-06T20:26:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I'm hopping in my car post-nap, and driving 2 hours to my good friend's place for a jewelry party. I'm not going there for the jewelry, but because it is a great excuse to see my friend and a few good mutual friends as well. I adore her and I'm so excited.

I also feel a little guilty. I'm leaving either right after Gwen gets up from nap or before she gets up depending on nap timing, and won't be home until after her bedtime for sure. I adore bedtime. With work/daycare taking up most of our waking hours during the week, bedtime is our cuddle time. Our quiet, snuggly, nursing time. Its when we can finally slow down and just be together. I feel guilty for missing that.

Here's the thing though, I shouldn't! As mentioned, this trip isn't about buying jewelry, its about putting time in on a friendship that I value. That's something that Meegs, the person, needs to do.

Ironically, my guilty is normally over something exactly opposite. Normally, unless its something important, I'm the mama who's staying home and not missing her babe's bedtime because, as you can probably tell, its really important to me. Its not that my friends aren't important to me... because they are! Immensely! But this time is so fleeting, that I want to soak up as many bedtimes as I can before she's no longer nursing, before she doesn't want me to sing to her, before she's too big for me to pick up and hold.

And I feel guilty for that too.

I'm working on it though. Pushing the guilt away and reminding myself that I'm allow both kinds of nights, I need both kinds of nights. I'm getting better at it, but not perfect yet.

What is it about this damn mama guilt?
What brings the guilt out in you?

just write

2012-01-05T10:43:00.001-05:00

Today there was snow on the ground when I woke up. Not a ton, but a good coating. If you had told me, back in October, when we were having a freak snow storm which dumped feet of snow on us, that come January a coating, a dusting, of snow would be noteworthy... well I probably would have laughed in your face. But here we are.

Of course, it was gone by the time I got into the city (and its going to be 50 come Friday).

Gone just in time for me to get to work and be verbally accosted by a person who works for the law office we share a floor with. Accosted might be too strong a word, but apparently this guy TALKS! ONLY! WITH! EXCLAMATION! POINTS! Which is especially affronting when its someone who's never even smiled at you before and the topic they want to discuss is where that guy from your office went... you know, that one who died last year. Maybe its the way I was raised, but I don't yell-talk at people about such things (Cancer! But he was so young! Was it fast?!), I use more demure tones.

Now, I almost wish for someone to yell-talk at me, as the next few days are being spent sorting through countless resumes - for a position, for internships, for a teach conference - and good gravy, it is dry, tedious, boring work. This weekend will seem all the sweeter for it, I suppose.

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Linking up with Just Write.

state of mind

2012-01-04T09:12:00.003-05:00

There was a blog post the other day by the bloggess, a really good one - touching and achingly real - about depression. It got me thinking about some of my family who struggle with it, friends who have and had, and of myself, and my struggles with it and with self-harm. Reading that post made me thankful that those times are behind me. I no longer need the physical pain to numb the ache I had in my heart, and to overshadow the sadness I didn't know how to control.

It made me thankful too, that separate from the self-harm, my struggles with depression seem to be mostly behind me.

But that doesn't mean that all emotional struggles are things of the past. Instead, that post made me stop and think about where I am emotionally and mentally right now, and realize some truths that need to be addressed. While I am happy for the most part, while I find great joy in my daughter, while I love my husband... I have been struggling in our marriage. And I had a realization lately, that it might be mostly me.

I confessed to Travis that I couldn't believe, after 11 years, we were still having so much trouble communicating. I couldn't believe how I could not read him. How I had so much trouble with interpreting his reactions and determining when he was really upset. I was met with confusion. He thinks all is well.

Further discussion led me to realize: 1) I actually do know better then I thought when he is upset about something, but I was apparently, accidentally presenting myself as thinking he was upset with me. Hence when I would inquire about his anger or frustration, he would think I was asking about anger or frustration with me and argue that all was fine. That was leaving me angry, confused, and frustrated. 2) I think I may have been projecting. Lumping all feelings from previous disagreements on top of the current. It is not healthy, and was leading to a negative and disparaging mindset.

Not to say that it is all me, or all that, but that those things are making things worse and are making my mindset worse. I have to change how I think about things.

So I'm taking a few small steps. Not all of them I'm going to share. But here are the ones I do feel comfortable putting out there. 1) Work on my phrasing and delivery. If Trav seems frustrated, ask if there is anything that I can help him with, or if there is anything he wants to talk about. If the answer is no, drop it and let him be. 2) Focus more on the positive. He does a lot for me, for Gwen, around the house. I need to spend more energy appreciating that. 3) Keep working on feeling like I'm nurturing myself, so that I can nurture our relationship. I don't know how I can be a good us, if I don't feel like a good me. 4) More sex.

This isn't going to be a magic fix. It isn't going to be perfect tomorrow. But I'm going to work on it, and reassess in a few months. Hopefully things will be looking up.

2012

2012-01-03T09:38:00.001-05:00

Another day, a new year. Gone is the year of the house fire. Gone is the year of my little babe, and here is the year when she turns 2, my ever growing, ever changing girl! Two!

So much has changed, and now is when we reflect on that... though really, only one more day has passed. What is it though, about New Year's, that makes it so inherently magical? The same amount of time passes between New Year's Eve to New Year's Day as between any other two days, yet somehow it feels like more.

This year I decided not to do resolutions so much as just try to keep work on finding a balance in my life, and doing things that I want to do anyway. I'm going to try to keep up with my 101 in 1001. And I want to take better pictures again. Lately its just been too easy to snap a quick pic on my iPhone, which is convenient, but its sacrificing quality. I want to take more quality photos.
Are you doing resolutions? I'd love to hear them.

As for the holiday itself... lovely. Four-day weekend, one of which was just Trav and I for a number of hours, one of which was just me, all-day. It was rejuvenating. A perfect way to end the crazy holiday season.

The Breakdown.
Wore: I'm a big fan of The Working Closet, and recently she recommended a pair of skinny jeans. I've never owned skinny jeans, and never thought I'd own skinny jeans. My thighs... not skinny. But the Lands’ End Ultra Fit Slim Leg jeans were supposed to be good on everyone, and they were on sale. And (cue tears) my beloved Joe's Jeans had just ripped. So I got them. And I LOVE them. They make you look skinny. Stop holding out and buy a pair. Tuck them into your boots (easily and comfortably!), and wear a soft sweater. Hot.

Saw: Friday we slept in a bit, then got up, got ready, dropped the babe at daycare and headed to see Hugo. Its beautiful, touching, fun... more then just the sweet, kid-friendly movie I originally thought it would be. There is so much more to the story then the trailer shows (which I didn't know, having not read the book). We both loved it. And the French setting, ses magnifiques!

Ate: After the movie, Trav and I enjoyed something super rare... a meal alone! We headed to Uno Chicago Grill... nothing super fancy, but definitely yummy food. Walnut-encrusted goat cheese salad for me (Mmmmm), deep dish personal pizza for him, all-you-can-eat soup for both of us. For dessert, fresh baked (still warm and gooey) chocolate chip cookie topped with a scoop of ice cream and some whipped cream. Top that off with eating everything while its warm, not having to stop anyone from throwing anything, and being able to talk about whatever we wanted, regardless of little ears and without the need for any "in your mouth, not on the floor" or "feet don't go on the table sweetie" -- well, it was a winning meal!!

Cooked: Homemade pulled pork BBQ. First time ever! Slow roasted a pork shoulder in the crock pot all day Friday, then Trav removed the fat and shredded the meat, while I made some fresh BBQ sauce (ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, apple cider vinegar, liquid smoke, pepper, crushed red pepper, garlic salt, garlic powder, onion powder). Ate a little for dinner that night, but was easy to reheat in the crock pot for sharing on New Years Eve when Ro, Pat, and the girls were over. Delish.

I also made some chicken, corn chowder yesterday. I used this recipe as my base recipe, but eyeballed it and tweaked for what I did or didn't have on hand.

It was tasty and filling.

My pretty new Dutch Oven... isn't she lovely?

Up for later in the week... roasted Brussels Sprouts and a Pumpkin, Pear, and Fennel soup!

Lounged: Yesterday, my "me day" started off with getting the babe ready and them both off to daycare/work, then hopping back into bed until 10:15!! I ate some breakfast, then took a long bath (can't remember the last time I did that!). Read a magazine while in the bath. Put away some laundry. Ate lunch (turkey, ham, and cheese, on 12-grain bread with honey mustard, and half an avocado pureed with a smidge of lemon juice, salt, and pepper). Pumped. Caught up on blogs. Put away more laundry. Then did dishes, dashed to the store, and came home to cook. Lovely.

Nothing extraordinary (well, yesterday was a little extraordinary!), but a promising start to the new year.

Welcome 2012, I can't wait to get to know you.

rough morning, great year, see you in 2012!!

2011-12-29T15:37:00.000-05:00

What a morning. Gwen often gives Trav a little bit of a hard time... she doesn't want to get her diaper changed or get dressed, but once they get past that, they have fun brushing teeth and then they head downstairs to eat some breakfast and relax until I'm done getting ready. I love listening to them read books together or do puzzles.

This morning was so much worse then normal. He finally gave up and I ended up changing her, dressing her, brushing her teeth, everything, once I was out of the shower. I don't know if it was because she's not feeling great due to the cold she's fighting off, but she was a clingy, weepy babe this morning. She went into her carseat easy enough, but when I went to say bye, she broke down and kept asking to be picked up. I tried telling her how much fun she would have at daycare today, and that I'd see her later, but it was no use. It broke my heart and I'll admit that I cried when they drove off. I hate starting days off like that.

I'm looking forward to lots of hugs tonight, and some sleeping in for all of us tomorrow. I am definitely looking forward to four days off, quiet time with my husband and by myself, and some good family time.

In light of that, I'll taking a four-day blogging hiatus to enjoy ringing in the new year with my family.

It was a rough morning, but overall it was a great year. Gwen has grown in leaps in bounds. We had great vacations. We had some trials (house fires and subsequent annoyances!), but I think we are ending this year better then we started it, and that's all we can ask for. I look forward to all that 2012 has to bring!!

Ps. A video to share because I don't want to be the only sap crying over it...

ESPN: The Finish Line 2 - Short Feature from Evolve Digital Cinema / IMG on Vimeo.

well we didn't get a white Christmas...

2011-12-27T16:40:00.001-05:00

... but we certainly got a wonderful one!

Two days of extended family Christmas time, flanked by two days of just our little family and relaxation time! Perfect.

I made Trav some special snowflakes:

Boba Fett

C3PO

My fav... Yoda!

I also whipped up a few dozen cookies, thanks to the dough from Ro. Mostly ginger cookies:

But also some Peanut Butter Blossoms:

Saturday was Christmas Eve at Willy's. Its always fun to see Trav's cousins, and 2nd cousins.

(And this year, the first 3rd cousin!)

We got home a bit late, got Gwen straight off to bed, then it was time to assemble some of her bigger gifts.
Some pictures from Christmas morning at our place:

Trav got me the immersion blending I've been longing for, so hopefully I'll be making some soup soon! He also got me the first 3 Twilight movies on DVD... I'm embarrassed, but I love it!! Another great gift, a new set of flannel sheets from Trav's brother, his wife, and son. They are lovely!

From my parent's place, the rest of Christmas day:

Dear G*d do I love this girl!!

From my parent's I got some iPhone workable gloves and a really nice Dutch oven. Yay! Lots of cooking to come!

It was an amazing weekend. I'm feeling full of love, thankfulness, and rejuvenated.
Honestly, it is one of the best Christmases in memory. Gwen was so great and "got it" so much more this year then last. It was pretty stress-free, and just lovely.

Sunday I spent some time going through Gwen's toys, sorting out the ones that she really doesn't play with anymore, the ones that are too young for her and packing them away. Its a little sad to see some of these really great toys going away, but she's gotten good use out of them and its fun to see her grow into new toys.

I didn't do it yet, but I think its also time for me to do a another sorting of my t-shirt drawer. I'm annoyed with the overstuffed state of it, but had previously be emotionally unable to part with many of them! I think I'm ready now, and my overburdened dresser will thank me, I'm sure! I think the new organic cotton tee I got from my mother-in-law for Christmas will help ease the sting too. ;-)

Now its back to work, though Gwen couldn't resist a quick color this morning before it was time to leave:

Only two more days to get through... then another long weekend! I could get used to this.

How was your Christmas/holiday weekend?

Although it's been said many times, many ways...

2011-12-25T12:40:00.001-05:00

"Merry Christmas to you."

Wishing you and yours a Christmas full of wonder and good cheer; as well as family, friends, and food.

xoxo,

Meegs, Trav, Gwen, and Daisy

rambling thoughts

2011-12-22T16:19:00.001-05:00

Counting down the minutes until I get to leave (45). I cannot wait for our four-day weekend. We have nothing planned for tomorrow or Monday, which is wonderful. I need destress time with my loves.

Waiting for a call back from the talented tattoo lady who did my back, about an appointment for the end of February. Money is already set aside and I'll probably be getting two smaller pieces that I've been thinking about. It makes me feel like I'm finding my way back to me.

Gwen got a baby doll as an early Christmas gift from her best friend Dominic.

We're calling her Lily and she's quite the hit.

I like that she received a baby doll, and that she will be receiving (from us, on Christmas) a wooden tool bench. I want my girl to always feel free to play with whatever she likes.

We're on a break from potty training for now. After going on the potty everyday for a bit, Gwen has now decided that she does NOT want to sit on the potty. That's fine, we'll keep offering and start again when she's ready.

Okay, back to work for me. Enjoy your weekends and holidays!

wordless wednesday {beautiful.whimsical}

2011-12-21T12:05:00.000-05:00

c Cristian Mesa Torre

christmas cards...

2011-12-20T11:34:00.000-05:00

I was lucky enough to find two deals for 15 free cards (each), and won 25 cards from another blogger, then got 40% off when I ordered another 20 cards. So, we ended up with four different card designs... and we only paid less then $20 for 75 cards!

So just in time for Hannakah, I wanted to share.

Card #1:

Card #2:

Card #3:

Card #4:

Here's our holiday greetings from our family to yours... May it be bright, happy, peaceful, loving, and fun.

2011-12-19T16:44:00.000-05:00

I have over at least two dozen cookies on my counter at home right now... and at least a dozen and a half more still unbaked in the fridge. Please feel free to come over to eat some, since I definitely don't need to eat as many as I certainly will end up eating over the next week. The coconut thumbprint cookies are mine, but help yourself to gingerbread men, snickers cookies, or chocolate cookies with a peppermint drizzle. They are all amazing!!

Ro and I had a great time baking many dozen cookies (she kept as many as I took, plus we packed at least the same amount for Pat's parents), our second year doing so. The girls had fun decorating a few gingerbread men:

Gwen doesn't normally get a lot of treats... so that gingerbread man, and the m&ms that didn't make it onto the gingerbread man, they made for one silly child! The whole way home she was going, "Hi Mommy, Hi Daddy (we'd say Hi Gwenie)" followed by hysterical giggling. At one point we were heading down a block that was particularly decorated and asked her if she was looking out the window at the lights... she pauses, looks out the window, and from the back seat we hear, "Whoooooaaaaa."

::snort:: (Our kid was pretty much high off of sugar.)

Of course, I can't really blame her for the reaction considering what we saw:

(these houses were side-by-side... it was overwhelming!)

It was a good weekend.

Less then a week until Christmas... I can't wait!

2011-12-16T16:47:00.002-05:00

I received an early Christmas present from a friend of a new office chair... I still have to think about it a little, but it makes me sit up in a more "correct" position. I'm hoping it helps with my end of day fatigue and back aches.

I'm so glad its Friday. I'm in need of a weekend, really more then that, but at least following this weekend is a four-day work week, a four-day weekend, a three-day work week, and another four-day weekend. A girl could get used to that.

Daddy, in box!

The giggles this produced were epic.

I have to be off... but how about a little linky/video sharing?

I love every one of THESE PICTURES:

This Pink song makes me cry every time. I hope Gwen always knows how perfect she is to me.

I heart OK Go.

THIS VIDEO is cute.

Okay all, have a great weekend!