thoughts

Unseen Hurricane

2018-01-26T02:47:00.002-08:00

There's time I cried the whole day
for the reason, even I, could not describe

Somehow I blame the steroid

I have been diagnosed with progressive SLE

I was not upset at first
I thought I was fine
I mean, only the diagnosis name changed right
I'm still the same

but of course I was wrong (Yes I was always wrong)

"We need extra vigilance to avoid lupus nephritis or cerebral lupus" -Dr A-

I kept replaying her words in my mind

I read a lot, later, especially on cerebral lupus. It is damn serious. I just get the fact right. If I started to have any of the symptoms, that means the end of my not-even-started career, doctor.

I know I shouldn't worry of the things that's out of my control, But how can I be so ignorant about my own well being? Or should I?

With every chaos I'd to face everyday, I chose not to tell others. But it hurts, especially when nobody see your struggle taking even a step forward. Oh yes, I am so good with a faked smile. Everyone bought with that faked smile. With that I looked strong, healthy, cheerful, and very positive.

because they couldn't see the unseen hurricane in my heart

********************************************

Since I quit usrah
Many contacted me, maybe to get me into usrah again

I am happy to reply their text, as a friend

But is is very stressful when everyone tried too hard to preach me

I mean, we've been lost in contact for quiet some time
then suddenly you came and suggest me to join usrah, again

I don't get it. Sorry.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate their presence. But, wouldn't it be wiser to acknowledge the problem before rushing to you-think-that's-the-best solution?

Upset
26012018

6 months in a blog post

2017-11-19T21:51:00.000-08:00

I officially graduated Medicine last May
Alhamdulillah :)

Left Ireland as soon as I graduated
my heart sank, tears tank exploded

I miss Ireland

**********************************

I thought living in Malaysia wouldn't be this hard
There are way more to be sacrificed

I mean when I was in Ireland,
I only have to think about myself
if I was tired or feeling down or whatever that was

but here, as the eldest, I couldn't put my family aside in every decision I made
I have to be with them, supporting them, especially when they need me, the so-called the only doctor in the family

to cut it short
I can't give commitment towards usrah, DnT

So
I gave up
eventually :(

**************************************

Since I am loaded with time at the moment
It makes me wonder if I'd took different paths beforehand

I might have more friends
I might have good memories of UKE
I might not be the same

I might still trying to commit

I might not be the same

But I have no chance to turn back time
and yet if I have the chance, I still could not figure out which path should I take

So I think this has to be my midlife crisis

Welcoming myself to adulthood

*****************************************

I have witnessed how blessed Arwah Dr Atik's life
I never knew him personally, even never met him in person

I only came to heard his name when he was sick
He was in comma due to brain hge 2nd to ruptured AVM

Everyone went to Ipoh just to support him and his family
especially those knowing him since in UK (He studied medicine there)

He was pronounced death a few days after the surgery

and after that
people came from every part of Malaysia to visit his family
Everyone prayed for him
and so many people be his witness of how much he has contributed for ummah

If I am to die now

I think I will be nothing but burden to those alive
I have no one, except my family, to pray for me

Up until today
I still could not stop thinking how my death day would look like

*******************************************

I really hope I could be a good servant of Allah

'abid
201117
Alor Lintang

mixed feeling

2017-05-07T04:16:00.001-07:00

sekarang ni mixed feeling habis

taksabar nak habis exam
2 clinical exams je lagi
moga Allah luluskan ujian sekolah perubatan ni

tapi

at the same time

sedih nak tinggal Ireland

semalam masa qadhaya usrah

"saya sedih nak balik. I feel belong to this place"

huu semua senyap.

"tapi Malaysia lagi best awak. hehs. takpun awak stay jelah teman akak"

"saya tak apply kerja sini pun akak"

sebab aku tahu aku rasa lagi belong pada tempatni
aku takut terlekat kat sini
sedangkan aku tahu aku perlu balik

haha. kira nak kurangkan option lah
so that aku tak pening sorang-sorang

haa kan sekarang dah sedih

insyaAllah 3 minggu je lagi duduk Cork

lepas tu taktahu lah bila lagi boleh tengok Cork
boleh tengok CUH
boleh jalan-jalan cork city

aci nak nangis bila teringat aku akan rindukan tempat ni

ahah dah masuk fasa cengeng

cork ni special kat hati aku
tempat jatuh bangun semua kat sini
tempat ak belajr jadi matang sikit

tempat yang jadi saksi
aku berubah luar dan dalam

kat sini aku bina himmah aliyah
dan kat sini jugak aku jatuh sebawah-bawahnya

dan aku mula bangun balik pada tahun akhir pun
kat atas tanah ini jugak

I tell myself

dear awak,
nanti masuk syurga
boleh mintak je dgn Allah
boleh mintak nak duduk cork forever

hehe

masuk syurga prioriti sekarang, okay?

2017-04-15T18:51:00.001-07:00

Liver biopsy done 2 days ago
I was knocked out by the effect of midazolam
I was asleep yesterday, without myself realizing it to happen

and by now I could still feel the dizziness effect of midaz

ngehs

2 days before exam
and all I can do is sleeping

and even when I open my eyes
all I can do is feeling nauseous

serius taktahu macam mana orang buat c-sect boleh survive
cut kecik pun rasa taksabar nak tunggu heal completely

rasa macam dah gatal sebab dressing ni

without treatment, 50% of AIH patients die within 5 years
(so gonna take all tx seriously this time around!)

kepala aku kira-kira
agak-agak kalau lah tak termasuk dalam 50% tu pun
mungkin lah paling-paling double life expectancy another 50% patients tu kan

kalau betullah ada 10 tahun je lagi nak hidup atas dunia ni
macam mana nak buat biar boleh masuk syurga ek?

dengan dosa 25 tahun lepas yang tinggi menggunung

and my heart answered,
by stop worrying
and continue worshipping Allah

hewhew
hikhok

baiklah
baiklah

setiap saat pun benih ke syurga kan?

2017-04-13T16:03:00.001-07:00

Final exam officially started today, with Paeds OSCE

I wasn't really prepared to be honest
I was exhausted by my own thought perhaps
distracted by tense that just arrived right before exam

blerghh

So basically too many things went wrong recently
Especially my health condition

I am fine, I am fine
just that the blood and body doesn't seems fine

That my liver has to be biopsied tomorrow

tomorrow yes
and next 3 days I will have my written exammsss

5 tahun duduk Ireland ni jadi tak pandai nak express pulak
tak pandai nak nangis
tak pandai nak relieve stress kot

pendam sampai takde perasaan

tapi action nampak sangat tengah tak betul
tidur 14 jam sehari

wth
sah tak betul

walaupun doktor cakap tu sebab penat sebab sakit

tapi aku still rasa tu psychology aku yang tak betul

blerghh

takut nya.
takut
takut
takut

taktahu nak describe macam mana takut tu

dear self,
stop being cengeng please
kuat
jangan nangis

this, too, shall pass

corcaigh 140417

moga redha ya hati

ukhwah

2017-04-03T13:07:00.001-07:00

Gaahhh I just feel like writing right now

This afternoon somebody decided to re-open old discussion group, randomly

which made me realized how much I miss them

They are far from me, as we obviously separated by distance

we rarely text or talk to each other

but when we do, it is always about important things in life haha

life, decision

the thing that bring us close

hehs.

takkan lupa kot

"betul ke kita nak buat ni?"

"betul. jom buka peta UK"

"jom search kat fb"

but life is never easy right?

life hit us hard, straight on our face

"maybe Allah wants us to learn the hard way"

simple

but whenever I started to give up

I always tell myself, 'Allah is teaching me the hard way. Hold on. Hold on'

I remembered one of NAK talk,

"we are on our journey to reach Allah's blessing (redha). We are not perfect, that's why Allah said it is a journey. Nobody will reach the perfection as His servant. and He only asks us to die on this path/journey"

So this is definitely a very long journey

we may part away, as we decided the thing we want in life

"Awak jangan lupa saya. Balik Malaysia nanti bagitahu kalau ada projek"

I couldn't promise about whatever project you are talking about. But I promise to not forget you (That's one of the reason I am writing right now)

whatever happen, wherever you are

the three of you, are too dear to my heart

"Akak, sekarang tinggal kita dua je. sedih"

"Tak, mana ada. They are still with us. Separated by distance, tapi ruh masih bersatu,dalam doa"

Dalam doa, mereka masih ada bersama aku

"Akak, sekarang saya nak tinggal akak sorang je ni haha"

"Takpe doa kan ada"

tapi, sekarang, kadang-kadang

rasa jelah sorang-sorang haha

Unfortunately all four of us are not expressive :p

Jumpa kat syurga, sis!

Fateh. Galway. Leicester. Surrey. Essex. London. Sabah

Costa Stansted Airport. Costa Cork

Cafe dalam Eason, Dublin

semoga mereka menjadi saksi

gundah gelana hati dan fikiran

yang banyak bercelaru daripada tenang

#8daystofinal #KakAnacomingsoon #mayAllaheases

Untuk mereka yang aku bertemu di atas jalan dakwah ini

moga kita terus sabar dan thabat di perbatasan masing-masing

thing to be grateful for

2017-03-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

I have been blessed with good health since last winter break

I might not be able to reach the baseline of my health condition
but I'm fine, doing very well, able to smile
even though there were some spikes here and there
but they were minors hehe

however, my blood doesn't seems to agree with me
they went haywire for these past 2 months
my liver enzymes go up as if I drink alcohol!

after changing of medication here and there,
they still don't want to go down
*sigh*

but I am so grateful to have a good doctor here

I remembered her calling me when I was in Portugal
to make sure I am fine since my blood doesn't looks good
She kept bugging me with her text to make sure I understand all management plan
and I feel so thankful to have such a committed doctor taking care of me
who willingly came to hospital on her off-day to see me
the most patient doctor trying to reach me (since I always silent my phone)

and so much more
weh balik Malaysia nanti mesti takde dah doktor baik macam ni

k ada je lah masa-masa yang geram
since She's not a native english speaker
sometimes she explained things dramatically, way tooo dramaticc

There is one time when she want to push me to find my future doctor in Malaysia
"You really have to find it now!"
"Okay I will" (dengan muka bersahaja yg mungkin tak convince kan dia)
"If you get flares up again you can die! So I want you to have a doctor as soon as you reach Malaysia!"

terus muka aku pun terpana
dan mengangguk dengan penuh convincing

hailaaa

walaupun dalam hati, "takdelah sampai mati kot"

She always think that I am worried about myself
when I am actually not.. at all

so actually she worried about me, more

"I will keep your number. Anything happen, call me straight away, even on weekend. I am not oncall but I am in Cork. Call me okay, call me"

"why do you use private number? I need to recognize your number when you call me"

pun boleh.

hahah,
aku selalu amused dengan kerisauan dia.

walaupun masa mula-mula transferred to her (sebab my consultant maternal leave)
I was like.. "nak previous consultant!!"

haha

She is god-sent
might not be someone close to me
but she basically knows everything about me though hehe

alhamdulillah for every single thing

finals in 2 weeks time
may Allah eases
moga lepas insyaAllah :)

medicine

2017-02-23T14:55:00.001-08:00

alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal

dah 2 minggu rotation medicine dekat Kerry
rasa dah jatuh cinta pulak dengan Kerry haha

I always love medicine
sampai ada satu masa dwell sangat dengan medicine
aku jumpa keseronokan disebalik semuanya (kecuali exam haha)

dekat UHK ni semua orang baik sangat
rasa macam part of the team
dekat Clonmel dulu pun dorang include kita as team jugak
tapi sebab masa tu first rotation
still tak reti nak buat apa as intern haha

aku banyak belajar dari setiap orang

Dari Ferrah yang always have the time for budak macam aku
walaupun dia tengah busy dengan patients
tambah exam untuk jadi consultant tu lagi

Dari Sarah yang sangat lembut dan penyabar
dan selalu ingatkan aku
"you can do this"
dan sambung dia lagi, "even though sometimes it will be so hard"

Dari Ben yang selalu senyum dan cool
orang pertama percaya aku untuk buat kerja intern haha
(ok mungkin sebab dah tak cukup orang)
kata dia, "you will be my intern and I'll be registrar today"
dan buat ward round without bosses :p

saje nak tulis
supaya aku selalu ingat
mereka pernah hadir dalam hidup aku
pernah meninggalkan kesan pada diri aku

aku selalu wonder
kenapa kita kena berpisah
bila kita dah jumpa orang yang best dalam hidup kita

dan aku dah jumpa pun jawapannya
supaya kita tak attach pada keindahan sementara
dan hanya sayang Allah sahaja

hidup dekat Kerry penuh dengan positive vibes
sampai aku rasa tu ideal workplace

semua orang akan memberi kita motivasi

teringat Dr Tariq introduce aku pada consultants lain
"she is medical student. She's our future haematologist"

dan mereka yang lain menyambut "masya Allah.. for ummah, sisters"

sape je tak terkesan kan :)

dan Dr O'Brien yang penuh hikmah
di sebalik ketegasan (dan high speed speech haha)
aku akan selalu ingat
cara dia mengajak kami belajar
"for today you will read more about this and that okay?"

duduk kat Kerry ni macam duduk dekat negara Islam haha
tak rasa awkward pakai tudung
semua orang acknowledge waktu solat

Dr Tariq siap tanya lagi
after solat baca khutbah ke tak
(aku rasa dia maksudkan ada tazkirah ke tak haha)

ideal kan?

kat Malaysia confirm takde semua ni LOLs

aku harap semangat aku tak luntur bila dah balik Malaysia nanti
aku takdelah betul-betul nak jadi haematologist

tapi apa-apa sahaja specialization yang akn dibuat
semoga betul-betul untuk ummah

:)

comel je tadi dorang bincang nak pergi Islamic talk
sebab ramai speakers hebat datang from US Canada bagai

wherever we go
we will never leave tarbiyah kan.

tak habis lagi rotation'tapi dah rindu Kerry :)

2017-02-11T11:16:00.003-08:00

minggu ni flare-up lagi
4 hari terlentang atas katil
bukan setakat tak pergi kelas, buku pun tak sentuh

bangun solat dan makan ubat ja

rasa macam penat sangat minggu ni

penat belajar, penat emosi, penat fikir

orang selalu mengadu down
dan aku akan cakap,
takpe, bangunlah balik
kita boleh

etc

tapi bila diri sendiri yang down
sila lah nasihatkan diri sendiri

hehs.

aku penat dengan manusia

tapi, mana boleh kan?

dear self,
taktahulah ok tak fake it till you make it
but you've gone through a lot
this is just another hurdle of life

keep going
strong
and brave

don't get bothered by those people
who don't even deserve you in their life
they don't worth your thought
(k ayat ego skit)

purify your heart
focus on achieving your dream
your remaining time is gradually lessen

......................................

corcaigh
110217

hayaa'

2017-02-05T03:55:00.000-08:00

semalam, bila murobbi tanya siapa yang boleh share hadith 20
aku volunteer, walaupun macam tak sempat sangat nak prepare
since ada kelas dari pagi dan weekend free ni lah nak tunaikan hak housemate

entahlah kenapa aku offer diri
mungkin sebab aku rasa ini usrah aku
dan aku yang bertanggung jawab menghidupkannya

bukan lah sebab 'kalau bukan siapa aku, siapa lagi nak buat?'
tapi sebab aku tahu kami perlukan tazkiyah dari sang nabi

it is a beautiful hadith indeed
ingatkan balik benda basic je pun
sejauh mana kita dzatiyah dalam tarbiyah sendiri
dan semuanya bermula dari jiwa rabbani

panjang sangat kalau nak share pasal hadith
and tak rasa perkataan hodoh aku mampu explain hadith tu

cuma
aku bermuhasabah

aku selalu cakap tarbiyah aku macam roller coster
tapi di saat ini Allah memberikan peluang lagi
untuk merasai betapa manisnya tarbiyah

Allah menghidupkan kembali jiwa yang pernah kering kontang

teringat sharing Nouman Ali Khan (haha somebody bring NAK into my life :p)
hati kita sangat berbolak balik
dan betapa kita memerlukan doa untuk pastikan hati kita sentiasa berada di jalan yg betul

tak terpesong walau sedikit

rasa macam nak nangis
sebab dulu rasa dah jadi routine sebut

'ya muqallibal qulub thabbit qulu 'ala dinik'

dan kerana sayang pada tarbiyah ini
aku kena jugak protect and bloom what I have today

bila bercakap dengan orag tanah seberang
semua orang ada struggle masing-masing

aku selalu rasa best nya korang ada sumber tarbiyah
tapi sebenarnya kalau hati kita mati
duduk sebelah sumber tarbiyah pun tak memberi makna apa-apa

aku belajar satu benda sepanjang aku berjalan, merangkak, berlari etc

jangan pernah berhenti bertanya pada diri
'kenapa aku masih ada disini?'

biar hati berbicara
dan kau akan tahu di mana kau berada

orang yang tidak sedar diri tengah sesat
takkan bother pun nak cari jalan keluar

tarbiyah adalah hadiah dari Allah yang paling berharga
bukan mudah nak mendapat tarbiyah

setiap titik peluh untuk mencari tarbiyah
itulah yang akan bawa kita kepada apa yang kita cari

aku harap diri aku tidak lupa
di saat ini hanya satu harapan yang aku tanam
hidup aku terhenti di saat jiwa aku lapang menerima tarbiyah dari Allah

dan untuk akhawat yang sedang berjuang di bumi berbeza
kalau selama ini semua menasihati untuk terus melangkah
aku harap kita semua basirah ke arah mana kita menuju

Corcaigh
050217

ps: hayaa' means hidup dan malu..

email

2017-02-01T13:00:00.001-08:00

dulu tahap benci tengok notification emails kat ipad and phone

takde kerja lain asyik bersihkan inbox

haha

tapi tu dulu

tadi bersihkan inbox, selepas setahun dan beribu emails tak penting tersimpan

terjumpa satu email penting dari seorang kakak yang sangat aku hormati

aku ingat aku dapat email tu

tapi tak ingat membaca dengan penuh perasaan

so I decided to read it, again..

baca dengan perlahan

sebab aku yakin ada sebab setiap ayat ditulis

hehs

lepas baca taktahu nak ada perasaan apa

tapi itulah pandangan manusia pada aku rupanya

merasakan diri tahu banyak

takmahu menunggu dan berjalan bersama dengan yang lain

meninggalkan ukhwah kerana ego

lari dari masalah dan tak mahu bersama menyelesaikan

and the list goes on...

Allahu..

banyak khilaf aku sebagai seorang hamba

mungkin sebab aku jarang meluahkan perasaan aku yang sebenar

siapa sahaja yang tahu

aku takut saat perlu membuat keputusan

aku takut andai tersalah memilih jalan

aku takut memulakan langkah baru

sebab manusia hanya melihat

aku sebagai orang yang kuat, lantang, tak kisah manusia sekeliling

siapa sahaja yang tahu

setiap perasaan yang perlu dikorbankan

setiap rindu yang terpaksa dipendam

setiap sayang yang tidak terluah

kerana ku lah manusia yang paling lemah

aku lah hamba yang paling tak mengetahui

aku lah yang tak punya hikmah, kefahaman mahupun pengalaman

kerana aku tidak punya apa

aku pernah cuba mengambil semua yang aku perlu

tapi aku kira satu sifat dunia, kita tak mampu memiliki semua yang kita mahu

tapi kita perlu memilih

dan segalanya terserah kepada Allah

untuk mengizinkan setiap pilihan yang dibuat

dearest future-self,

stay strong

sikit je lagi perjuangan dekat dunia

nak balik jumpa Allah dengan ada ahsanu 'amala kan..

dearest you (whoever you are),

moga Allah sentiasa tautkan hati kita di atas perjuangan aqidah ini

walau banyak khilaf seorang aku

yang mungkin saja membebankan harakah dakwah ini

moga Allah ampunkan khilaf aku

tiada daya dan upaya seorang hamba

melainkan dengan penuh harap dan takut

memohon agar Alla sentiasa mendekatkan kebaikan buat kita

dan menjauhkan al-hawa' yang menyimpangkan hati ini

hati ini milikmu ya Allah..

nothingness bring nothing

2017-01-23T04:17:00.000-08:00

Currently I am in Tutorial Block

Basically I have got only tutorials. And Monday is off-day for us.

So today I decided to come to the city, have a cup of coffee while finishing my FYP write-up.

Actually it's just because everything going slow for me. I mean, I did nothing over the weekend. Quiet unhappy with myself right now. So I took the bus to town and now at least, I managed to add hundreds of words in my write up. :p

It feels good to sit in the cafe and overlook the city, the people.

I shall do this more often (tapi most of the time too lazy to go out)

I am going to leave in 4 months time, insyaAllah
I really hope that I could graduate on time

I think it's the time for me to go home
even though I am too afraid to go home
frightened by the busy waqi' and very qawiyy akhawat hehe

therefore, I really need to catch up on many things

need to study hard
need to graduate on time
need to leave some marks before bfg
need to answer why I am committing myself to DnT
need to revise all bahan usrah and daurah

so basically I have loads on my plate

but instead, I become one lazy human
and do nothing
but keep checking on cheap ticket for summer break!

Seriously I need to wake myself up so I realized I have no time!

So this morning I have a cup of coffee,
which is very unusual for me (I only drink tea!)

Then I get palpitations
and my brain work very fast

haha

Up to this second, I managed to do write up some more

and wasting time writing here some more

haihh

Just had a sip pf coffee
have 1/10 in the mug to be finished

will surely miss the smell of coffee soon
coffee so mahal in Malaysia why lah

nikmat rasa

2017-01-08T15:57:00.001-08:00

I always wrote about the downside of my life in here
it's not because there's nothing happy to be shared
but most of the my happy times, I got to spent times with people
that I always forgot to share

as I count
there's not much time left for me
to live here, in Ireland, in Cork to be specific

I rant a lot about living here

but as I get myself to reflect on it

many things happened here

get to know many great awesome people here
was first diagnosed sick here
loving medicine here
feeling lonely, here as well

haha like a roller coster yes?

I gave up with DnT once
but Allah never get tired of choosing me
despite all my alasan errday haha

So, since a lot of things happened here
it turned me into someone that's very secretive

I kept everything to myselff
all people can see is the happy me

I did not express my gratitude towards the people who keep supporting me
even though deep inside I am too blessed to have them in my life

so yesterday I decided to confess to my usrahmates
haha sebab penat dah simpan sensorang
and I think I will regret one day if I don't

I told them how much I appreciate their presence
I apologize for my wrong doings
I keep avoiding from being their good friend
I backed off when I started to be close with them

as expected, you were hurt
but I told them, I feel it too

So here I am
ready to be better, again

once gain, let me try

and they accept me, again

I love you girls to the moon and back

hehs

dearest partener in crime,
thank you
for understanding
and not giving up with me
we can do this, ok?
(walaupun sy selalu macam fikir negative macam get lost ke whatevr, I still hope both of us jadi qawiyy very soon hehe)

dearest adiks galway,
I am more than happy to be your 'kakak'
sorry for not treating you as adik before
and keep avoiding your call

dearest ukhti qawiyy,
sorry selalu geram dengan awak
hahah

so, 4 months to go
let's revise!

Malaysia,
wait for me,

might not return as dayah Z, but a new me won't get you dissapointed I hope hehe

2nd day of school

2017-01-04T12:07:00.000-08:00

2nd day of school and I am still going slow

too lazy

hehs

3 months to go to final exam
hopefully I pass

then, hello malaysia

I have been longing for you since forever --'

please dream, don't stop

2016-12-30T05:42:00.000-08:00

I met many people throughout this winter break

I get to know my usrahmates
even I think just this past weeks I get to really know the person whom I close with

and I get to welcome new people into my life too

Lisbon had been amazing!
the trip would be one unforgettable event of my life

Allah sent us Aten
She inspires me a lot!

Thank you
for everything
for keep telling me to dream

we barely knew each other
but it seems like knowing you for the whole year ady hehe

tak ramai yang tahu aku macam dah give up untuk have dream
kadang-kadang aku pun lupa yang aku takde dream dah

Banyak nangis bila aten dah nak balik
sebab takut lupa lagi to dream high

hehs

and afikah dah nak bfg jugak

I could not imagine how usrah will be without her haha
surely I will be the most attentive listener ever
cause nobody will kacau-ing me
and trying to say something just by giving 'that' look
which distracted me as I tried to understand her 'eyes' message

hehe

I had this one belief
we should not have best friend

but Allah borrowed me one of His hamba
to be my best friend kejap

she will be leaving very soon
and as usual I'm not good with saying words

but I surely paling terasa kehilangan kejap hehs

4 bulan je lagi nak bfg Hidayah
please bring the best out of it

nanti menyesal padan muka haha

3 dec

2016-12-03T01:56:00.002-08:00

It has been 2 months since I wrote my last post
a lot og things happened in the past 2 months
all of them deserves a place in this blog
it's just me not having enough time (sbb aku banyak mengarut sampai habis masa)

Cork has lost its 'homie' feeling
I miss the old one

k mengarut

I remembered sembang-sembang with Kak S last weekend
she asked my opinion,
"why people leave?"

and I said
because the enjoyment of doing it 'hilang'

she nodded

*senyap*

actually it was based on my own experience

I wrote somewhere last year
I almost leave (haha dah bagitahu murabbi pun)

because I did not find it enjoyful
because I have to sacrifice a lot
especially my own feeling

but my murabbi reminds me about Nabi Nuh
tak best okay bila you preach but people sampai sembunyi sebab taknak dengar
that what happened to Nabi Nuh
but He never stopped!

because he did it atas dasar ketaatan
bukan sebab enjoy buat

muhasabah balik few years in tarbiyah
mungki tak secara indirect buat sebab orang
but I do enjoy ada akhawat yang baik sekeliling
ada kawan, ada teman, at least tak rasa sensorang
(walaupun kadang-kadang gaduh)

hihi

when I have the strength to do what I think I supposed to do
I did it

mula-mula tak rasa sakit
tapi sakit tu datang bila you want to go back to the routine

but you just not belong there

fly

fly away

hahahaha

I don't know if the future-me would understand this

but hey future-me!
you have been trough a lot to reach today

appreciate the chances you get

appreciate.

ps: kalau futur memang lah rasa sensorang sebab iman tak bersatu dengan alam :(

2016-10-15T13:36:00.001-07:00

since last week I started to fall sick again
all they symptoms came even though I took my meds everyday
I have no clue what to do in such situation

all I do
take paracetamol
for fever and joint pain and muscle pain

hoping it works
most of the time, it doesn't

in the bus to Galway on last Friday
I came across Mas Afzal's blog again
I knew him through his blog after he passed awayy
he is such an inspiration

survived med school while fighting against cancer

last time I read his blog,
I appreciate nothing he write about his condition

but now I feel everything he wrote in his blog

I could still remember all the testing done
multiple kind of blood test, twice daily (at least)
x-rays here and there, echocardiogram some more
drinking a jug of contrast water for CT scan

of course I will never forget
the first time I get into the CT scanner
the big thing looked like it's going to swallow me
also when they bring me on the wheelchair
to the biopsy room for FNA

sakit tahu tak FNA tu!

and the 'berdebar' feeling
to actually know what had happened to me
as they said they have to rule out lymphoma too
even though it looks more like auto-immune

I remembered myself acting so cool condition
as they blurted out their impressions about my
but as I talked to my parents via facetime
I cried and thats all I did
no words could described how I felt

many people came to me since then
even up until today
just to tell how strong I am

deep in my heart, I denied
because I am obviously too weak

people close to me surely knows
how much I cried at night for the pain
how I could not handle chill and rigors that I looked terrible
how fragile I am when the temperature spiked, out of nowhere

I remembered how umi was so worried looking at me
when I go back to Mys for summer break

when it flares up
nothing I could do except lying on bed
even I need umi and ayah's help to get out of bed
because myalgia hit me hard that I could not even use my muscle to support myself

I cried reading all of arwah Mas Afzal's post
then i questioned myself
why did you cry?

Are you afraid of death?

Everyone will die eventually
why are you afraid of death?

kind of worried about myself
is it because I afraid of death?

2 months to go until next appointmennt
I hope they won't forced me to driink that contrast drink again
I hope not to have FNA ever again
I hope they won't tied me on the ward bed ever again

everything starts with hope

I hope to not afraid of death
but anticipating for it instead
so I can meet Allah

:)

mesyy life

2016-10-09T09:09:00.001-07:00

I haven't get the chance to write about Jaulah Balkan yet

having time constraint to juggle everything
and sometimes (most of the time!) laziness hit me hard
somehow I need to work smart now

I just talked with umi this afternoon
she was calculating how much left before I come home

and I am quiete shocked
because actually I will be having exam in about 6 months
if I pass then i will become a doctor

hell yeah
not a safe on eright now though

I hope to be more competent in no time
but thats not how life works
in this world, we have to make effort to achieve our goal

so there is no such thing as 'in no time'
hahah

I had my surgery last 2 weeks
I was confident enough actually
but when the examiner came
I get panick attack
and everything goes down the hill!

but after all,
I passes the long case

just that
I didn't achieve y target
I hope for a first class
but just got pass instead

maybe because I depend on my effort
not on Allah

who knows

must work hard on my relationship with Allah too

till then,
chaiyo myself!

final year

2016-09-01T07:52:00.001-07:00

It has been 4 days since school started

hey, I'm in final year now!

another year, then I will be a doctor

i came back very early this year
in the past I usually arrive in Cork on the first day of class
but I was thinking of enjoying each moment of final year the best that I could

I went to Balkan countries
they are lovely

too many things learnt

I really hope I could write a travelog or journal about that jaulah

hoping for more keberkatan masa

insyaAllah

may I graduate on time, too :)

17 Ramadhan

2016-06-22T13:36:00.001-07:00

I feel better today
at least for half day
before the high temperature struck me again

kehkeh

I went home early today
I was shivering
so I put 2 duvets over my body
I hope to have heater at that moment

so as I get up from the bed
the whole room is spinning around me
I thought it's just because I sleep a lot
then I take wudhu' and pray

but my head started to feel heavier
now not the room is spinning
but i feel like I was spinning so hard

so I lay my body on the bed
I could hear my heart beating
the breathes sound so fast
and the chest started to tighten

then I remembered the novel I read last few weeks
actually it is true story

"When Breath Become Air" by Paul Kalanithi

it was a good read
it reminds me a lot about death

as a medical student/profesionals
I do take oxygen for granted

hehe I mean, everytime the doctor asked us about emergency intervention
the first thing we would answer is giving oxygen thearpy

as if it's nothing
and it's so cheap

but for those in need
one litre of oxygen means everything
it gives life, hope and more time

today when I was gasping for breath
that's how I value oxygen

after all the dramas
and inner conflict to buka puasa or not
I decided to buka puasa earlier, 3 hours earlier
at least before I collapse and menyusahkan orang

now I am gaining energy I guess
still not able to walk around
but I have to write this
so that I always remember how precious every little thing around me

16 Ramadhan

2016-06-21T12:50:00.000-07:00

So it has been 16 days of fasting here

I haven't been writing because of health problem

basically health issue is the main problem I have to face during this ramadhan

too tired to write

may I gain the best of this ramadhan

5-8 Ramadhan

2016-06-14T13:08:00.002-07:00

Menyepi seketika

bila Allaah uji dengan ujian kesihatan..

lagi..

lembik beberapa hari
telan makanan semua pahit
memang telan buat syarat sebab bukak puasa dan sahur je

dahlah weekend
bukan main plan nak pergi mizen head

sekali Allah tiup ujian sikit
dah terjelepuk atas katil sepanjang hari

tapi lembik pun Allah bagi jugak kesempatan bukak puasa kat masjid

menarik sangat bukak puasa dengan segala macam manusia ni

tapi paling menarik seorang makcik ni
taktahu lah bangsa apa
kalau dengar dia cakap dengan anak dia pun takleh detect bahasa apa

haritu dia datang lambat sikit dari semua orang
tapi sampai je terus salam dengan semua orang dan berlumba nak bagi salam dulu kepada semua orang

masyaAllah hebat sangat jiwa dia
betapa sifat Rasulullah tu hidup dalam diri dia

dan aku hanya mampu memerhati
konon introvert

tapi
kalau lah faham islam memerlukan kita untuk hidup bersama semua yang lain

mengapa masih bersandar di tepi

4 Ramadhan

2016-06-09T17:27:00.001-07:00

harini dah start coping well with fasting

so today I join the ward round with Prof MC
we went to meet few myeloma patients
they basically have few months to live

so she discuss with us about 'balance'

as an example
for extremely anaemic patients
we need to prescribe blood transfusion, regularly
it can cause iron overload

theoretically we can give Iron chelating therapy

but for patients with less hope to continue the battle
we tend to not give any therapy
because each therapy comes with side effects

she said,

"this is terminal illness.. well actually this life is something terminal too"

life is something terminal too

like the terminal illnesses
just few more moments to end

and we always hope for our life to end peacefully

I realized how everyon wants to end this life peacefully
that's the main reason of the presence of palliative care medicine

tapi eventually sape yg dapat keredhaan Allah je yg akan RIP.

3 Ramadhan

2016-06-08T05:00:00.002-07:00

it has been 3 days of 19 hours fasting

last night we had big group of people breaking fast together
Actually I don't expect it to happen
So I did not really prepare for it

as I am an introvert, having a crowd of people without myself prepare for it is something SCARRYY

So when the are too many people
that there is no space to put even half of my body
I decided to go upstairs to pray

I thought I was okay
but my friend noticed my hand shaking (tremor)
they thought I was having hypoglycaemia
so they gave me big glass of sirap bandung

but I don't think I was hypoglycaemic or anaemic
but the tremor caused by anxiety of the crowd
then I decided not to go for tarawih in masjid

I will do it myself at home

that day was too hectic
I think I need some time to be alone,
me and Allah

................................................................

So after tarawih and finishing my tilawah
I sat alone to reflect on my attitude

I remembered the lesson learnt in previous usrah

daie lives at the centre of ummah
which means there is no way to be a da'ie without living with the crowd
there should be no anxiety seeing people
because da'ie lives with people anyway

so once we become a da'ie, 24 hours of our time are not ours
ummah owns them all
including our energy, money, and ourselves (soul)

I think I still have 2 separate life
DnT life and the other 'abnormal' life

T.T

Now I have to comfort myself with wise words...

dear self,
I know I am far from being a mukminin
nor being a true muslim

but I am on my way towards it

one day, I hope to have only one life
DnT life

and other things will be with in it as well

#diariramadhancorcaigh

I want to write a diary for the whole month of ramadhan. Previous days I wrote in facebook but I think it is too public that people can make lawak out of it anytime they want

this diary is for myself. I may not become 'me' anymore after this. However I hope everytime reading this diary it will remind me how I want to be the best at Allah's sight

2016-05-24T12:44:00.001-07:00

I have mixed feeling for now
my friend said if I am to make weather forecast based on my feeling
everyday it will be like the Irish weather

LOLs

Thank you buddy!

I have just finished my final exam, if I pass this exam so I will finally be a final year medical student
sound wonderful, don't you think so?
Unfortunately it can't be confirmed by today

I am thinking of starting a new life
but am kind of in doubt
because i afraid of leaving the people that I a comfortable with
and I don't want to hurt them

so maybe I will wait a lil bit
at least to have stronger will

i will be spending my summer in Cork for a month
will be celebrating ramadhan here as well
I couldn't be more than happy welcoming ramadhan soon!
Hope to survive 19 hours of fasting well
without any scar and pain hehe

so i just feel like writing
but i dont really know what to write

counting down to home

hopefully a month will fly by as quickly as possible