Really Funny Jokes

Short funny jokes-Planning for the future

2009-11-11T00:04:00.000-08:00

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

Doctor jokes-The treatment

2009-11-11T00:03:00.000-08:00

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! !!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the `B'."

Really funny jokes-Waiting at the Medical clinic

2009-11-10T00:04:00.000-08:00

A man arrived at a walk-in medical clinic, promptly at opening time, only to find two other men outside, waiting.
The door was still locked.
He knew one of the men and they started talking. About five minutes later the receptionist came running across the parking lot, apologizing for being late.
The man turned to his friend and asked, "Are you first in line to see the doctor?"
"Yes," the other replied.
"Well, I guess I'm third then," he said.
"No," the second man said, "you're second."
"Second? What about you?"
"I'm the doctor."

Adult jokes-Breaking wind

2009-11-10T00:03:00.000-08:00

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always awake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.
Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.
She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning..
Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled aback her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tip-toed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

Short funny jokes-Dentist

2009-11-09T00:04:00.000-08:00

Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!

Sports humor-New exam pattern based on IPL rules

2009-11-09T00:03:00.001-08:00

Cricket has reached exciting levels with IPL.... Infusing the same thing into exams, some suggestions: -

1. Reduce exam duration to 1 hr and marks to 50.

2. Introduce strategic break after 30 minutes.

3. Give free hit, that is a chance for students to frame their own questions and write answers.

4. 1st 15 minutes power play, that is no invigilator in the exam hall. (Wow…!!! I will love this....!!!)

5. Introduce fair play awards.

6. Cheer girls to cheer for every correct answer written....!!

Really funny jokes-Keep from getting pregnant

2009-11-09T00:03:00.000-08:00

"Doctor, can you tell me what I can do to keep from getting pregnant?"
"Why certainly, just eat peanut brittle."
"I love Peanut Brittle! Before or after?"
"Neither before nor after. Instead of!"

Short funny jokes-Drunkard in trial

2009-11-08T00:04:00.000-08:00

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have A scotch and soda."

Office funny jokes-The manager

2009-11-08T00:03:00.000-08:00

The manager of a large corporation suffers a heart attack and the doctor tells him to go to a farm to relax. The guy goes to a farm, and after a couple of days he is very bored, so he asks the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer tells him to clean up all the cow manure. The farmer thought that for somebody coming from the city, working his whole life sitting in a plush office, it will take him over a week to finish the job, but to his surprise the manager finishes the job in less than a day.
The next day the farmer gives to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer is sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes are still empty.
The farmer asks the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first 2 days, and you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I've been cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to take decisions!"

Adult jokes-Prince charming

2009-11-07T00:04:00.000-08:00

Prince Charming walks into a tavern appearing downtrodden. Immediately, the bartender turns to him and asks why he's so glum.
"You wouldn't believe it," he replies. "I was walking through the Enchanted Forest, when suddenly I approached Snow White fast asleep on a bed of stone. The dwarf next to her tells me that she ate a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips.
I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So I give her a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. Soon enough, I'm making passionate love to her right there in the woods when suddenly, she screams out, 'Ah, Yes, YES'!"
"That's great!" the bartender excitedly replies. "Then she's alive!"
Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming says, "Nah. She faked it."

Sardar jokes-Own food

2009-11-07T00:03:00.000-08:00

Santa and Banta went into a cafeteria and ordered two drinks.
Then they produced snacks from their shopping bags and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own food in here!"
Santa and Banta looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged their snacks.

Really funny jokes-Petrol station

2009-11-06T00:04:00.000-08:00

A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?".
The man says "Sorry -we're right out of petrol."
So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?"
And the attendant responds "Sorry, but no oil either."
The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen,to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?"
The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front." The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres!"

Adult jokes-Unbearable

2009-11-06T00:03:00.001-08:00

Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies. The first month went by and it was really awful, second month was really bad, third month was almost unbearable, fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn't handle it anymore so they buried her.

Short funny jokes-Siamese twins

2009-11-06T00:03:00.000-08:00

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
A: So the other one could drive.

Ultimate jokes-Disaster

2009-11-05T00:04:00.000-08:00

"Oh,No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived, he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16 year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath an proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened.
There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for Heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

Adult jokes-Special meal

2009-11-05T00:03:00.000-08:00

A lady fixed her husband a special meal for his birthday. After dinner she fixed him a pitcher of martinis then poured him a drink. Then she left to pick up his favorite dessert from the local bakery.
When she returned from her errand she found her husband, drink in hand, prancing about the living room wearing her bra, panties and high heels. "What the hell is going on!" she exclaimed.
Her husband got a quizzical look on his face and said "What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told you. I wanted to eat, drink and........be Mary."

Funny jokes-Can't accept that

2009-11-04T00:04:00.000-08:00

One Saturday evening a man walked into a bar and said, "Excuse me, I would like a pint of beer." The bartender served the man his drink and said, "That will be four dollars." The customer pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and handed it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender said, "but I can't accept that."
So, the man pulls out a ten-dollar bill, and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the puzzled man asked the barkeep.
Pointing to a neon sign behind the bar, the bartender explained, "This is a Singles Bar."

Clean jokes-Buying a drink

2009-11-04T00:03:00.001-08:00

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"

Really funny jokes-Young Ventriloquist

2009-11-04T00:03:00.000-08:00

A young ventriloquist is touring through the southern United States and stops to entertain at a small bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says, "I've heard just about enough of your smarty pants hillbilly jokes. We ain't all stupid here in the South."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smarty pants little fella on your knee."

Short funny jokes-Who cares

2009-11-03T00:04:00.000-08:00

Who cares about Russia? What did they ever give us, really? That stinkin' dressing? We had ketchup and mayonnaise the whole time, people.

Adult jokes-Good, bad & ugly

2009-11-03T00:03:00.000-08:00

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Hilarious short jokes-No intention

2009-11-02T00:05:00.000-08:00

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Funny jokes-Stay fit

2009-11-02T00:04:00.000-08:00

Mary and Sue hadn't seen each other for years. When they finally sat down to lunch, Mary was stunned at how trim and healthy Sue looked.
"My God," she said, "What do you do to stay so fit?"
"Well," answered Sue, "I've found that nothing keeps me trimmer than having affairs."
"Really!" exclaimed Mary, looking her friend up and down. "You simply must tell me who does your catering!"

Really funny jokes-Things to do in an Elevator

2009-11-02T00:03:00.000-08:00

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap him on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if he has an appointment.

9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask him if he can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing him occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

22) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Short funny jokes-Jewish lady

2009-11-01T00:03:00.000-07:00

In the University of Texas student newspaper: "Sweet, little old Jewish lady wishes to correspond with UT undergraduate. Prefers six-foot male with brown eyes answering to initials J.D.B.
Signed, "His Mother."