Really Funny Jokes

Really funny jokes-Hello

2012-01-31T00:01:00.001-08:00

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.

One turned to the other and said, "Hello."

The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

Short funny jokes-How many actors?

2012-01-31T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."

Hilarious jokes-Dog in Movie Theater

2012-01-30T00:01:00.001-08:00

Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the

movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"

"Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

Superhero jokes-Doc Ock

2012-01-30T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q. "What did Doc Ock drive to the bank?"
A. "An armoured car!"

Q. "What did Doc Ock do at the bank?"
A. "Commit armed robbery!"

Celebrity jokes-Best Supporting Actor

2012-01-30T00:00:00.000-08:00

Nick Nolte was nominated for Best Supporting Actor. It's his first major nomination since 2002, when he was nominated for Most Maniacal Mug Shot.

Really funny jokes-Struggling actor

2012-01-29T00:01:00.000-08:00

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks “What happened?”

“Well,” one of the officer’s says, “It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground.”

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief,“My agent came to my house?”

Funny jokes-Money saved by not smoking

2012-01-28T00:01:00.001-08:00

Juan sees a man leaning against the wall of a large building. The man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

Juan says, “Sir, I couldn’t help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?”

“Four.”

“How long have you been smoking?”

“Thirty years.”

“That’s over six thousand packs. If you didn’t smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building.”

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, “Do you smoke?”

“Never.”

“Do you own this building?”

“No.”

“Well, I do.”

Good jokes-How many Directors?

2012-01-28T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: How many Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one… but how do you get him in there with the cute, blonde?

Really funny jokes-Best guide in the United States

2012-01-27T00:01:00.001-08:00

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles.

”We’re lost!” One of the hikers complained.

”And you said you were the best guide in the United States.”

”I am,” the guide answered, ” but I think we may have wandered into Canada.”

Blonde jokes-Row boat

2012-01-27T00:01:00.000-08:00

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know – it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”

To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”

Funny jokes-One eyed pirate

2012-01-26T00:01:00.001-08:00

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"

His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."

The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook."

Celebrity jokes - 50 cent in Canada

2012-01-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: What is 50 cent called when he's in Canada?

A: 58 cent

Really funny jokes-Bowling teams

2012-01-25T00:02:00.000-08:00

Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death.

He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time."

One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys've got a driver."

Good jokes-Lions

2012-01-25T00:01:00.000-08:00

Two blokes are drinking in a bar.

One says, " Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."

Hilarious jokes-Grounds for Divorce

2012-01-24T00:01:00.001-08:00

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please. . ." he tried again,"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"

Short funny jokes-Forgery

2012-01-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

My Grandad was a fake blacksmith you know.

He worked in a forgery!

Hilarious jokes-Fail

2012-01-24T00:00:00.000-08:00

King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, 'I'm telling Kim Jung Mom.'

Really funny jokes-Squeeze a lemon

2012-01-23T00:01:00.001-08:00

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."

Superhero jokes-Public transportation

2012-01-23T00:01:00.000-08:00

Q: What superhero uses public transportation?

A: Bus Lightyear!

Hilarious political jokes-Best decision

2012-01-23T00:00:00.000-08:00

Senator John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver's license.

Really funny jokes-Carnival truck

2012-01-22T00:01:00.001-08:00

A carnival truck and a revival preacher's truck collide head-on, and everyone is killed. The next thing anyone knows, Saint Peter is interrogating the revival preacher very thoroughly. Suddenly, the carnival crew arrives at the Pearly Gates reeking of beer and reefer, and Saint Peter continues waves them all through as he continues questioning the preacher. The Reverend splutters indignantly and asks, "How can you let those filthy, unrighteous hooligans into heaven while you give me the third degree?"

"Take it easy," Saint Peter says. "They're only going to be here a week."

Hilarious jokes-Roustabout

2012-01-21T00:01:00.001-08:00

Two aerialists are up checking their rigging looking down on a roustabout who is setting up the lion tamer's cage. They are wondering how much brain you need to do that kind of work. So one performer gets a c-wrench and drops it on the worker's head. He loses half his brain, but keeps on doing the job. So the other aerialist gets a c-wrench and drops it down on the roustabout, until there is only a quarter of his brain left, but he goes on assembling the cage. The first flier drops an iron bar on the poor guy's head and he only has one brain cell left.

Immediately, the roustabout drops all his tools, walks over to the microphone and goes "Ladeeeees and Gentlemen and Children of Aaaaall Ages…!"

Short funny jokes-Around the world

2012-01-21T00:01:00.000-08:00

Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world?

He drowned.

Funny jokes-Blanket

2012-01-20T00:02:00.000-08:00

A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!"

He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're Mrs. Forsythe for a little while?

She says, "Oh, I'd like that."

He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."

Hilarious jokes-Prince Harry

2012-01-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

If Prince Harry gets married next month will Chels(y)a be playing Cambridge at family functions?